#if i had seen it in the store i'd have never got it. it's labeled for professional use only

[thegeminisage]

roadblock: the fucking bleach i bought is off-the-scalp bleach which calls for a max of 20volume developer. all i have is 30, and it's definitely gonna touch my fucking scalp. i'm not sure how to assess the risk of using it anyway (am i looking at discomfort and minor damage or chemical burns and baldness?), but if i have to buy more product, it will have to be in the morning, after driving for 45 minutes, and hoping my sectioned-off hair doesn't get ruined before i can get what i need and get back home

[888sss]

All you had to do was knock

This is NOT proofread, because I'm lazy, and just thought of this so I sat down and typed away.

Theo nott x (Slytherin)reader

(I think I have a crush on all TV characters named Theo)

the title is related to something Theo says, idk if it even makes sense

It was Christmas time, and snow had just begun to fall, you were walking with Astoria, through the shops of Hogsmeade.

"Everyone knows what it means to ask a 'friend' to Hogsmeade," says Astoria. Her brown hair hung over the sides of her face and she looked down at the ground.

"I know! He might be an introvert, but Teddy isn't stupid that's why I'm upset. Pansy even thought Teddy liked me, and then he turned around and asked her on a date." I said.

Theo and I were really close, and jokes about our friendship were often made by our other friends, due to how close we were. I'd liked Teddy for ages, but recently he had started asking me to hang out individually, and sitting next to me at meals in the great hall. He even switched with Blaise to be my potions partner, and I suck at potions. Of course, I didn't mind the extra time spent with him, and I loved his company, but now I regretted it, I felt like I had let him lead me on.

"I'm sure he does like you, Y/N. I haven't seen Theo spend this much time with anyone since, well, never." Astoria reassured me. I'm not sure how she could say such a thing when Theo was literally on a date with another girl right now. We walked into Weasley's Wizard Wheezes and looked to see what new ideas the twins had come up with. Astoria wandered to a display table towards the left wall, "You could buy this, and Theo won't even remember Pansy's name." She held up a glass with a sparkly, heart-shaped label that read, "Love Potion". I smiled and gave her a look of disapproval.

"Too soon?" she asked.

I opened my mouth to say something, but I heard the door open, and a cold breeze made the hair stick up on my arms. I turned to the door and saw Pansy walking in, but rather than Theo behind her, it was Enzo. He scanned the store and waved at Astoria and I.

"Y/N, Astoria! Hey guys what are you doing here?" Enzo asked as he was on our side of the store in a few strides, Pansy following close behind him.

"Hey guys," Astoria gave them both a quick hug, "we're just shopping around, y'know?" Astoria holds up the love potion so that Enzo and Pansy can see it.

"What're you buying that for?" Pansy asks reaching for the glass.

"I'm not buying it, y/n is!" Astoria joked.

"I am not buying that, put it back!" I told Astoria, quickly taking it from Pansy and putting it back on the shelf we got it from.

"Trust me y/n if you're buying it for 'you-know-who' then you do not need it," Enzo said raising his eyebrows, exaggerating his tone on certain words. I punched Enzo in the arm,

"I'm not buying it," I said sternly, I knew they were all just joking, but now was a bad time, especially since Pansy was literally right next to me. "besides, Teddy and I already get along just fine, why would I need a love potion? We're just friends."

"So if me and Draco share a bed, you wouldn't think that was a little bit weird?" Enzo asked with a quirked eyebrow.

"Well, not if you guys were both cold, and one of your beds was all the way down the hall," I told them, understanding the message they were trying to send.

The topic of the discussion changed many times before we got back to the comfort of the fireplace, surrounded by green couches, and various books. I sat in an armchair closest to the fireplace, before getting up to use the restroom. When I walked down the hallway I could hear the laughter of my friends, and faintly hear their voices. When I finished up, I looked in the mirror and ran my fingers through my hair, the hat I had taken off messed it up, and no one had thought to tell me. I walked back into the common room and saw that Teddy had returned from wherever he had been, and taken the seat I was sitting in before I got up. Without much thought, I sat down on the arm of Theo's chair and ruffled his hair.

"Hi Teddy," I sang, and seeing him for the first time today, I had almost forgotten I was mad at him, "where have you been?"

The room had gone silent and our friends all watched our interaction. I quickly noticed our proximity and moved to an empty spot on a couch, near his chair so I could still listen for his answer.

"Just around," He spoke softly, "nowhere special."

I was surprised by his answer and looked over at Pansy to see if her expression would show that she knew anything more than he let on, but she had turned back around and was talking with Mattheo about who was the better quidditch player. Theo obviously didn't have much to say, and by the bags under his eyes I could tell wherever he had been, had left him exhausted, so I let him be, and decided that I should get some rest myself.

Morning came, and despite being under water I could tell the sun had risen by the dim rays shining through the windows. I showered, and got ready for breakfast, putting on a jumper and some trousers I'd pulled from a drawer. When I left my dorm and walked into the common room, I could see Draco and Astoria waiting on the couch, tossing a hair tie back and forth as they continued in conversation.

"Good Morning!" I said as I approached the couple.

"It's about time," Draco said as he pretended to be annoyed, "If you took any longer I might've died of hunger."

"I'm actually early today, Malfoy so maybe save your starvation for another day." I laughed.

We made our way down to the great hall, and the rest of our friends made space for us at the table. Pansy was in her normal seat between Blaise and Enzo, rather than next to Theo, which confused me since I thought they liked each other, but I didn't think much of it.

As I took my usual seat next to Theo, an owl flew above our heads and dropped a letter down right in front of me.

"Y/N, you have mail!" Mattheo yelled from a few seats down, as if I couldn't see the envelope land in front of me. Blaise hit him on his had and mocked him for stating the obvious.

"Open it." Theo nudged my arm urging me on.

I turned the paper over in my hands and didn't see a name, other than my own so I ripped open the envelope. A piece of parchment was folded inside it,

'Hogsmeade? 2:00 - Harry Potter'

"Harry Potter, as in the Chosen One, you've got to be kidding me, mate." Draco sighed as he shoved his face into his hands.

I laughed and looked across the room at Harry who was already looking at me, I nodded at him, and he smiled in return, turning back around and saying something to Hermione and Ron.

"You're going to go?" Theo said to me, shocked that i assented to the idea of a date with Harry.

"Yeah, why not? He's cute and popular, he probably just needs a favor anyway," I said "Plus, you can go on dates why can't I?"

Theo's jaw dropped, and then closed again, and he got up and left.

"He deserved that," said Pansy, "I told him no, by the way, I wouldn't go out with him because I know you like him."

I wanted to curse Pansy at this moment for announcing to everyone around us that I liked Theo but decided I would appreciate her rare kindness.

Time passed quickly, and before I knew it, I was dressed up to meet Harry. I zipped up my snow boots and heard a knock at my door, "Come in!" I called whoever it was.

I quickly kicked the clothes next to my bed, under it, in hopes whoever it was, wasn't a professor, or Harry. The door opened, and when I looked up it was Theo.

"Hey Teddy, what's up?" I asked, wondering what he was here for, I had barely seen him the past few days and assumed he was done with his attitude.

He didn't say anything, he took the chair from under my desk and sat down, looking at the ground. I stared at him waiting to see if he was going to say anything.

"You can't go on that date," he said finally meeting my eyes.

"Are you kidding me, Theo? That's what this is about because I'm going out with another guy, you want to show up in my dorm and act all possessive?" I shot at him. He had rarely talked to me in two days, and this is what he came to say.

"Please, you just- you can't go," he stood up, moving in front of me to hold my hands in his.

"So, let me get this straight, we've been just friends for months, and when you decide to ask Pansy on a date it's okay, but when I get asked out on a date you can just come to my dorm, demanding me not go?" I reiterated. I was hurt that Theo genuinely thought I would be okay with this.

"My door was unlocked," he whispered.

"What?" I asked. I felt like I had asked him so many things and hadn't gotten one response.

"I waited for you to see if you would try to talk me out of going, and ask me to stay with you instead." Theo said

"Teddy why would I talk you out of doing something that you obviously wanted to do, I want you to be happy," I told him. I was extremely confused by his intentions.

"Just please don't go y/n I'll take you to Hogsmeade myself, just don't go on a date with Harry Potter of all people." He begged me.

"But why, Theo?"

"You know why." Theo insisted.

"Say it."

"Because I love you y/n, I'm in love with you, and if you go on that date with Harry, you might start to like him, and then I'll have to move to be alone," he confessed.

I was speechless. Not because I didn't reciprocate his feelings, but because I didn't understand.

"So what about Pansy? You just asked her out to see if I would come knocking on your door?" I scoffed.

"It was her idea, I'd ask her to Hogsmeade, so you'd get jealous, but we didn't go by ourselves, Enzo and Blaise came along, that's why Astoria went with you, to make sure you didn't run into us as a group." He explained

Theo was standing so close to me that it felt like his tall figure was hovering. I could feel his breath on my face and looked up at him. He took my face in his hands and crashed his lips into mine. His hands moved down to my waist, and I kissed him back, moving my hands to his hair, pulling at the roots.

"You're really good at that," I said when we finally separated for air, moving my hands to the back of his neck.

Theo smiled down at me, "better than Potter?" he asked with a smirk. I jokingly pushed him away and sat down to write Harry a letter about how I'd be canceling our date last minute.

[lots-of-sun]

A/n: Somehow I always end up writing about people walking LOL. Also a lot of my fic titles come from song lyrics!

Tamao Serizawa x Fem!Reader

SO KISS ME

Working at a bookstore always had its interesting experiences, especially when I'm usually the only person on shift everyday. Despite still being in high school, I was always rostered on, I guess being in senior year was bound to have it's downsides. The boss was always so picky about who worked here, not that it really mattered as long as you were competent. But over the two years I'd been employed here, I seem to be the only one who stuck. Not that my boss was ever mean or harsh, just didn't accept lazy or disrespectful staff. That's how I always ended up on the same schedule every week. Not that I minded, consistency was oddly relaxing, not having to worry about what to do next, always knowing.

The shop is small, yet packed with book shelves and a single table seating area right at the front of the main floor, across from the counter. I'd always loved the vintage and cozy vibe this building had, tucked away on a back street, like a little treasure that you'd only be able to find if you looked hard enough or stumbled across by accident.

One thing that kept me around this job for so long, was the people. With every face that stepped through that entrance came a new story, a new corner of the world I'd never learned about, a new adventure. The odd sense of home I got from the regulars who frequented for the newest reads or even the classics, always put a smile on my face. Though there was someone who stopped by often, despite never buying anything.

Tamao Serizawa had slipped into my life fairly nonchalantly, so much so that I don't entirely remember ever meeting him in the first place. Though I do recall the first time I'd seen him, walking past the open doors of the bookstore about a year and a half ago. He'd been surrounded by his group of friends, laughing along with them. He hadn't noticed me back then, but that changed a few months later.

I had easily forgotten about seeing him, I saw almost a hundred faces a day, even if it was just from people watching when the store was dead. It was a Monday afternoon when he'd entered the shop with his usual gang, I'd been adding pricing labels to newly arrived books from behind the counter near the door. They all wore classic school boy uniforms, yet they all seemed to be tweaked differently, defining them to being individual. They'd piled in near the entrance and brushed off my offer for assistance, though a pair of eyes seemed to linger on me. Even after they had looked around and left without purchasing anything, I couldn't shake the feeling of having someone watching me. Though I tried to brush it off as nonchalantly as I could.

That was until they began to come in more frequently, sometimes it was the whole group and other times it was only two or three of them but Tamao was always amongst them. Soon, they'd started spending most afternoons in the small seating area near the front of the store, never reading but always talking, plotting things I'd only eavesdropped on when I got bored. It became apparent to me pretty quickly that they were a part of one of the neighboring gang schools, though I didn't judge, there was no point, not when I didn't know them. After their first few rendezvous, they began including me in conversations, some were incredibly trivial, the kind of chats you'd have with friends. And others were serious, asking for advice and even if I didn't know how to answer, I tried my best.

On most weekends, Serizawa came in alone. Browsing the visual novel section, making small talk and asking for recommendations. He was always more engaged and at ease when he was alone, like he had more time to think without someone talking in his ear all the time. It's something I found comfort in, getting to see two separate sides to the same person. I wonder if he was like this with his friends, if he was actually always this calm and I just overlooked it when he was surrounded by others. But I definitely grew attracted to this side of him and eventually began to watch him more often, even if it was brief glances in his direction.

Today was no different than any other, heading straight to work after my final class of the day, changing out of my uniform in the stores bathroom and relieving my co-worker from their shift. I head out to the main floor and take a seat on the wooden stool behind the counter. My eyes scan the open notebook that sits next to the cash register, going over the list of responsibilities I have to complete before closing the store for the night.

Then the entrance bell rings and I don't even need to look up to know who it is, I'd heard them before they even made it to the door. The familiar sound of chatter and heavy shoes against the hardwood floors makes me smile. I raise my head to see exactly the people I'd expected.

"Hey guys, finally decide to indulge yourselves in literature?" I joke, knowing the answer is a resounding no. I take in all of their appearances, looking how they always do, save for a few extra bruises. My eyes linger on Serizawa for a split second, his gaze already fixed on me by the time I look towards him.

"Not today, but maybe one of these days" Tokio speaks up first, over the chorus of greetings I received.

"I could use a good book" Tokaji mumbles, already heading over to the seating area with Tsutsumoto.

"Serizawa's definitely trying to indulge in something else" The Mikami brothers whisper to each other, snickering at their own teasing words. They earn a slap on the back of the head by the man himself, the same hand retracting to run through his short hair.

"Don't mind them, monkeys haven't had their banana today" Serizawa's voice is thick as he lunges towards the brothers who scurry away to join everyone else at the table. He turns back to me, giving a small smile. "Yellow suits you" He adds softly, referring to the crew neck sweater I wore, before turning to join the others.

I smile at his words, feeling my heart leap in my chest. My eyes follow him to where he sits, it's kind of odd seeing him so outwardly different when he is around his friends, knowing there's a whole other side to him. I need to stop staring before any of them notice, even worse if it's Tamao himself. I busy myself with the duties of the checklist that's been taunting me since I sat down, but don't miss the feeling of someone watching me.

I hadn't even noticed how late it had gotten until I come out from the back room and it's getting dark outside. Tamao and his gang had left not too long ago, having said their goodbyes before disappearing down the street, while I continued to pack up for the night.

I let out a sigh of relief, happy to be finally heading home. I double check that I've locked the doors properly before turning to start my walk home, maybe I'll catch a taxi instead, I'm tired tonight. But as I turn to my left, there he is. Tamao Serizawa, standing under a yellowed street lamp with a half finished cigarette hanging from his lips, which he exhales the smoke through his nose. He's facing me, watching me like he usually does. Except this isn't usual, he's never here when I close the store, not that I've noticed at least. But overall, he seems to have been waiting for me. He flicks the cigarette to the pavement and puts it out with his foot, clearing his throat as he takes a few slow steps towards me.

"Serizawa? Is everything okay?" I ask, a slight concern filling my voice. Blame it on the overthinking, but I jump to the conclusion he might need support, whether it be emotionally or physically. Though as he lets out a calm chuckle, I think he might want something else.

"I hope so" He responds shortly, a smirk ghosting his lips as he stops when he's close enough to talk more gently. "Sorry to make you worry, I just thought I could walk you home." He clears his throat, "It can get... lonely"

I sort of blink at him as I purse my lips, trying to hold back a smile at his reasoning. It was clearly an excuse but I let it slide, barely. I notice the way the corner of his lips quirk up and his eyes squint, obviously being aware of how blatant his defense is. Now we're both standing here, staring at each other in the dim light of the side walk, clearly trying not to laugh. He tries to break his expression but ends up falling into a deeper grin.

"Yep" I squeak out, closing my eyes as my voice cracks with a rising laugh. "It can, how thoughtful of y... you" My slight pause comes from the lurch of my body as I try my hardest not to laugh at the expression he's making, he looks like he's trying to hold in a sneeze and I probably don't look much different.

We both let out a small snicker at each other, which devolves into a chuckle and a laugh. It feels like I'm melting into this moment and the implications of why he'd want to walk me home has my heart racing. We try to compose ourselves, a small giggle here and there. He looks down at his shoes before back up, seemingly regained his previous demeanor, despite the curl of a smile on his lips.

"Let's go, it's late as is" He tries to be serious and I let him, let him be who he wants to be. I nod in agreement with him and as I begin to walk, he follows.

It's not long before we're in my neighborhood, I'd always lived close to where I worked, not wanting to have to take the packed trains everyday. We'd walked in near silence the whole way here. It didn't bother me though, if anything it was sort of endearing, not feeling like I have to talk all the time. Serizawa is the first to break the silence as we near my house.

"I don't want to mess this up" His voice is vulnerable, it almost shocks me into freezing but I match his slowing steps and look towards him. I open my mouth to speak, ask if somethings going on but he cuts me off before I can.

"You mean a lot to me, more than I thought you would. You were always beautiful to me and I couldn't stop myself from coming back to you, even when I wasn't sure. But now I am sure, I know how I feel and I don't want you to slip away without ever telling you." His voice is the calm, soft tone it always was when we were alone together and my heart leaps to my throat at the realization of what he's trying to say.

"Serizawa, are y-"

"I like you a lot and if you are willing, I'd love to take you out" He speaks again before I can finish my sentence. He seems so assured in what he's saying. A smile is now growing on my lips as I go to respond, to tell him I'd love to.

"Tama-" And once again, before I can say any more he interrupts, this time sounding slightly more nervous and he holds an unreadable expression. He brings his hand up to run his fingers through his hair.

"I understand if you don't feel the same way but I needed to at least tell you, I wouldn't be able to let you go if I didn't say anything" He concludes sincerely and this time he finally looks towards me. I can't help but grin and the heat that's rushes to my cheeks tells me I'm blushing. He looks unsure, like he thinks I might just start laughing at him.

"You know what I love about you?" I start, a small laugh escaping my lips. "How you let me finish my sentences" It's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders as he mirrors my smile, giving a small chuckle. It's my turn to cut him off as he opens his mouth to say something.

"And, I love when you come around and the way you run your hand through your hair when you're nervous" My grin widens as he looks away slightly, seemingly surprised I'd noticed his anxious habit. I place my hand on his arm softly, "And I'd love to go out with you"

His smile widens and his expression is something I've never seen him have before, it's a mixture of relief and adoration. The way his eyes are trained on mine in the soft glow of the street lamps, it has my heart pounding. I let myself relax, relieved that my feelings weren't one sided.

"Then it's settled, let's date?" He asks, sounding like he's double checking that's what I really meant.

I can't help but grin wider, shaking my head softly in disbelief. Pushing the gate to my house and holding it open with my body, I face out into the street to look at him, I nod reassuring.

"Yeah, let's date, unless you've already changed your mind" I tease him softly and I watch as he rolls his eyes sarcastically. It feels odd how easily we seems to fit in with each other, feeling closer and more confident.

"I could kiss you right now" He says those words like it's the most natural thing to say in this moment and maybe it is, but I still feel my face burn in a deeper blush. He lets out a chuckle and stuffs his hands in his pockets, preparing to leave. But I don't want him to go, not yet at least.

"Then do it" I take a step closer to him, hearing the gate squeak softly as it moves with me.

He looks up towards me now that I'm standing on the small step that leads to the gate, his eyes shine with something I can't quite recognize. He takes a step forwards as well and I lean down slightly so I can reach his face. One of his hands withdraws from his pocket, raising to rest on the curve of my waist and my hand moves to cradle his jaw. Our lips connect in a soft but quick kiss, one that leaves me wanting more. His lips are cold but inviting and I don't want this to end. As I pull back gently, I feel his hand leave my side and mine retracts back to tuck under the warmth of my crew neck.

"Goodnight, Tamao" I whisper, leaning in to press a chaste kiss to his cheek.

I enter the front area of my house and begin to close the gate as he steps out of view behind the solid fence of my property, not before hearing a small 'night' come from him. As I approach my front door, the hum of a tv playing fills my ears. Though as I step up on the front step that leads to the threshold of the building, I turn back to look over the top of the fence, watching the back of Tamao's body get further and further away.

"Yes!" It's soft but I still hear it and watch as Serizawa pumps his fist in the air like he's won a great victory. The sight makes me cover my mouth to hold in a small laugh. I finally look away and I find myself still grinning. I don't want the way my heart lurches for him to stop and something tells me it won't ever, something tells me he'll keep my heart safe.

[embracing-the-ineffable]

Good Omens, staying skeptical, and the mystery and the lie at the heart of Gravity Falls

-Neil Gaiman, 29 June 2023

I recently came across this post by @apathetic-revenant, which goes into extensive detail about a whole secret meta lie generated by Alex Hirsch, creator and head writer of Gravity Falls, midway through the show.

It went like this: the show was very focused on mysteries, codes, ciphers, etc, and early on a character discovered a mysterious journal with an unknown author, and this drove the plot. There were clues placed in the show so that people could solve the journal author's identity, or more probably so that it would all make sense in hindsight after the big reveal. However, the show ended up with a larger-than-expected fandom who started organizing online in a way the creators hadn't expected or planned for, and they were worried everyone would collectively solve the mystery too easily, too soon, and the suspense and appeal of the story gradually unfolding would be lost.

So they took a fake BTS photo that appeared to reveal the journal's author and "leaked" it online. To give it credibility, the show's creator posted "Fuming right now" and then deleted the post soon after, once they were certain it had been seen and screenshots taken. The Gravity Falls fandom then stopped trying to solve the mystery, as they believed the answer had already been revealed. It was a solution "targeted toward delaying that group problem-solving, without actually affecting the experience of any individual person watching the show."

Ok, Good Omens fandom. Are we Gravity Falls all over again? Are we also experiencing meta lies?

Is it possible that Amazon's marketing department has just released a new promotional video about Aziraphale & Crowley's "timeline of interconnectedness" (discussions here and here ) where they honestly:

got several of those timeline dates wrong, including labeling the entirety of seasons 1 and 2 as belonging to the same year?

mixed all the season 1 and 2 clips together so they're completely interconnected and out of the order they were presented to us so far?

didn't consult with Neil Gaiman for even a moment to be sure they had their facts straight? (Or literally anyone else who's spent years working on it? Or even someone who has just watched it once while paying attention?)

didn't understand the way most series tell a story by moving through time in a realistic linear fashion?

When Neil said today that "time is fine" in response to questions about the timeline of interconnectedness video, was he trying to misdirect the fandom away from the mystery that's clearly hidden throughout both seasons (and especially season 2)?

The Good Place seems suddenly more relevant than I'd imagined:

Neil has told us that his Tumblr posts aren't canon. He's also said:

"Never trust the storyteller. Only trust the story."

"Writers are liars, my dear, surely you know that by now? And yet, things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot." -Both quotes are from The Sandman [link]

So here's my plea to whichever part of the fandom might read this: Stay Skeptical. It's wonderful to talk to Neil about his characters, the worlds he's created, his writing process, his views on world events, his sense of humor, his kindness, his compassion and empathy, and his good advice & encouragement for the entire range of the human experience. I respect him very much, and I'm thrilled he's here on social media talking to all of us. (Except he doesn't have social media, obviously. He's like Schrödinger's Social Media Neil-cat.)

I'm looking forward to all the surprises I'm certain are in store for us (and Aziraphale and Crowley) in Good Omens season 3. I trust Neil (and Terry!) to deliver our beloved characters to a very satisfying ending. But I don't trust Neil to honestly answer all of our questions on social media - and neither should you.

Especially not when he's already blamed obvious season 2 changes to the Bentley on the "lighting" (as just one example).

With lots of thanks to the members of the @ineffable-detective-agency - including @bbbitchvibbbez, @kimberleyjean, @maufungi, @noneorother, @theastrophysicistnextdoor, and @thebluestgreen for all their excellent fact-checking, ideas, and discussions!

Interested in diving further into all the Good Omens mysteries? I have more posts plus Clues and metas from all over the fandom, here.

[barrenclan]

went absolutely nuts one night at 4 an and stsrted absolutely screaming about how you could have been anyone by roar is rainhaze coded before i just passed out before i could finish writing this

Sell off the licensing rights to your mind

(Very easy to pin this line on Rainhaze, he gave his mind to Defiance whole-heartedly, before he himself had even realized.)

You'll sit through some ads before you can see the light

(Can be interpreted as his heel-digging to embrace the Defiance beliefs, not only the resistance he presented but the gradual process and conditioning he went through. Depending on the perspective this line it can be interpreted as him finally understanding the gift of slaughter, or in a metaphorical sense the light at the end of the tunnel, repesenting the death of the old Rainhaze and the birth of a Defiance broken tom.)

Life doesn't mean a thing until you've almost none

(Can align with the beliefs of Defiance directly, so many animals take their lives for granted, submitting to the roles relegated to them and labeled solely as hunters or prey. Only until you understand you can be so much more and see the beauty in killing can you then understand you have power.)

You could have been anyone

(Very fitting lyric, if only he hadn't gone this path, perhaps a mate would have lied away from him, maybe even kits. A loving uncle who helped support his nieces and nephews through their struggle to unserstand their identities. A brother who could provide care to his deeply scarred sibling. A cat who above all else loved his family, instead of the grotesque, twisted love his mind was warped into believing.)

You can find Jesus in every thrift store

(In every single Defiance member lay a fragment of Deepdark.)

And you can catch hell, condemned by the Lord's billboards

(And when he wills it, he can tower above you as the almighty jury he is and damn you.)

Wildfires opalize the skies

While they try thinking of ways to monetize

Ways to monetize

Life doesn't mean a thing until you've almost none

You could have been anyone

I love it when people do all the analyzing work for me!

Well, I wouldn't blame you for just the name. I like it with her, though! I don't think I've ever gotten a song suggestion for Rosey.

And I've seen the way the seasons change when I just give it time But I feel out of my mind all the time In the night I'm wild eyed, and you got me now

What a sweet and romantic song for such a pair of weirdos! Deepdark is always associated with "paleness", though, and I think Prowl being sappy is pretty funny.

Good morning, how's the weather dear? My feelings are so clear I just wanna be with you Doing what you do, always Show me how to live <- big darkprowl energy

"Death Thrice Drawn" has the word 'pining', automatic Pinepaw song. Haha, but I also like it as a song for both Pinepaw and Cormorantpaw, musing on their relationship.

Hotshot, have you got a clue how long I've been pining for you? Spent so many sleepless nights in unbaptized decline

The awful truth has eluded you for too long Uh-oh, everything you know is all wrong

Oh, more vocaloid! Songs about barren, abandoned wastelands always fit PATFW.

I can imagine this song being sung by a young Pinepaw.

I'm missing a house That I've never called home I'm missing a time that I've never known I remember a tree, had a whole leaf of my own But now we're reaching spring Was it just a dream? I don't know

The children hum a hymn And I'd like to run away But to leave would be a sin

A distant memory that itches my brain Now it remains a dream

I am always here for more Kate Bush! This song is really beautiful, and I'd definitely apply it to Asphodelpaw, though I think Mallowstar is a bit too old for the relevance. Perhaps more young cats throughout BarrenClan's history?

But he didn't have the money for a guitar (What could he do?) (Should have been a politician) But he never had a proper education (What could he do?) (Should have been a father) But he never even made it to his twenties What a waste Army dreamers

Give the kid the pick of pips And give him all your stripes and ribbons Now he's sitting in his hole He might as well have buttons and bows

My mom is a big fan of Eurythmics, thanks for suggesting it. I can imagine Slugpelt walking through the warm spring rain of BarrenClan, thinking about her past with Cashew.

Here comes the rain again Falling on my head like a memory Falling on my head like a new emotion I want to walk in the open wind I want to talk like lovers do

Want to dive into your ocean Is it raining with you?

I think I've been suggested this song before, yes! I agree, though perhaps this would fit Saltburn's Clan even better. PATFW is not set in a desert after all.

When the last light warms the rocks And the rattlesnakes unfold Mountain cats will come to drag away your bones

She twines her spines up slowly Towards the boiling sun And when I touched her skin My fingers ran with blood

I don't believe it has! I haven't even heard this Mitski song before.

I better ace that interview I better ace that interview I should tell them that I'm not afraid to die

I wanna see the whole world I wanna see the whole world I don't know how I'm gonna pay rent I wanna see the whole world

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #344

Ooooof. Sephiroth. It has been a very long day. It has been a very good day!! But still, it is long. I'm gonna do my best to write today's letter, but admittedly, I'm already struggling to keep my eyes open.

Well. Let's start at the beginning. I went to work for 5 hours, and it was good!! I was kept very busy doing all sorts of things, like helping customers, putting cookies on trays, putting pies into containers, putting labels on containers, putting things out on display, and so many more things. I was so busy today that I definitely did not have any time to snag any pictures for you (which was really sad!), but!!! J came over to visit and to get some bread, and he got a couple pictures of what I do that maybe you'll like!

Here's one of the best examples I've seen in a long time of the fact that I tend to unsettle people by holding my body weirdly:

I definitely look like some kind of weird goblin in this one, haha! Man, being dyspraxic and awkward sure is wild, hahaha!

Oh! And in case you wondered – those cookies on those racks in the background were arranged by me! All in all, I prepared 29 trays of cookies today! I was supposed to prepare 31, but I ran out of sugar cookies and had to make two less than what was called for. Oh well.

Interestingly enough, the manager of the whole store was, once again, helping out in my department, since Thanksgiving demands just... so much bread, oh my goodness! And he saw J taking pictures of me, but he didn't know that J was my husband! So I guess he thought that J was being a creep towards me, and his protective instincts kicked in, and I guess he was maybe two seconds away from demanding that J leave the store, or else decking him directly in his face, until Tr, one of my bosses, reassured him that J was my husband!

...The notion that the store manager cared enough to want to protect me was... really nice, actually. And J was grateful for his sentiments, too. I really do work with some very amazing and caring people. I feel astoundingly lucky!

Also... I'm pleased to tell you that all those who ate the brownies I made came up to me to tell me how amazing they were! They were the pumpkin brownies that I made with you in mind, and so... their reactions make me wish even more that I could just pop over to where you are and give you a container full of them, haha...

...Goodness, but you have no idea what I'd give up just to be able to do that... You have no idea...

When I got home, I had every intention to eat, and then either do some leisure writing or take a nap. But a lot of the folks from the friend-making app wanted to talk to me (this will never not be weird!), and... I ended up prioritizing them instead of myself.

...Sigh... my bad. I am genuinely interested in speaking to them, which definitely does not help me to prioritize myself. Sheesh.

Still, I made a tea! I even took a video of it! The captions aren't ready yet because I didn't have time to do them, but... you can see it here. Though I'll warn you, this might not be my best handiwork...

J had an outing planned with one of the folks from that “Speed Friending” event, too. So we went and did that, and it was good! The place was about an hour's drive from our house. It had an amazing menu! Here were some of the things:

I was very hungry and my body was somewhat sore from being physically active for much of the day, so I got the lobster bites and the ribeye! If you've been reading my letters up until this point, then I'm sure you already know that I asked them to only just barely cook the ribeye, hahaha! I got some yummy pictures...

...And yes, they absolutely did oblige my request to leave it mostly raw:

...This was one of the most beautiful steaks I've ever had the pleasure of eating. It was perfect.

Are you ready for this? Because I was amazed by this. And it was wholly unexpected:

...The spinach tasted even better than the steak. And I have no idea how that can be. It was buttery and garlicky and just a little bit salty, and... oh my goodness. I want more of it, and I'm very sad that this place is an hour away, hahaha!

The person we were with was very jolly and is amazing at keeping a conversation going! I had a lot of fun listening to him and J talk about various things! I liked that he didn't seem to mind that I was more inclined towards listening than speaking. And I really liked that when I did speak, he listened and responded with experiences of his own to show that he understands what it was that I said.

We will get together sometime soon – hopefully at Eggcellent! I am eager!

...Sephiroth. I wish you could have some of these aspects of my life. I wish that for all the best parts of it, I could just plop you where I am so you can have it. I absolutely would not mind trading places with you for just long enough to let you experience the good and delightful things.

…

...Sephiroth.... I'm falling asleep. I want to write more to you. I want to speak more gentle and loving things at you. I want to show you more of what it is to have a relatively normal life, and I want to prove to you that it's something you can achieve. Because you can. You totally can. And... you could probably pull it off even better than I can.

...But. If I keep writing, I'm going to ramble, because I'm having trouble just with making sure my train of thought doesn't run away. So I guess I'm gonna go to bed now.

Hey. I love you a whole lot. And... I hope you're keeping yourself safe over at where you are. Please... please don't do things that will lead to you disappearing, okay? Please rise up into truly living. We miss you.

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[tardis-stowaway]

I spent the weekend at DragonCon, a convention I've been attending off and on for decades. Some notable experiences and thoughts this year include:

Jodie Whittaker was there, and her panel was an absolute delight. I lined up almost an hour in advance and ended up with a pretty good seat. She talks with her hands constantly. The other celeb panels I saw (Catherine Tate and a LOTR panel with Elijah Wood, Billy Boyd, and Dominic Monaghan) were also really fun.

One of the more notable moments of the con happened as I was failing to get into a panel. A huge line formed waiting for the Science vs. Movies panel Sunday night, and it got routed down a corridor of the Hilton that I'd never seen before. It wasn't signed as a staff-only area, but it was an intensely liminal and weird space. After passing through multiple turns, I ended up finding the end of the line in an area where half the overhead lights were out! The carpet had weird swirls and a bit of color theory. Many of the locked doors along the corridor were labeled as meeting rooms (why wasn't the con using them in its constant need for more space?), but others had signs like "Fire Control." Even through my mask it smelled faintly of mildew. The Distortion vibes were strong. I am delighted to report that someone on reddit posted a photo of what I believe is the exact area where I joined the line. Luckily the people in line near me were all good-humored and fun. When the line finally moved we did not make it into the panel, but the corridor did allow us to exit with our lives and what remained of our sanity.

I spotted a Magnus Archives/Protocol photoshoot on the schedule Friday, so I went to that to see cosplay and say hi to people in the fandom. It was held at night outside on a very noisy party patio, which impaired photography and conversation. Still, I had fun! There were some very cool costumes. A Jane Prentiss cosplayer gave me (gummy) worms.

I cosplayed one day this year. I was Carpenter from The Silt Verses, during S2 when she's carrying the homesick corpse. I'd originally conceived of trying to make a backpack into a whole cloth-wrapped corpse with limbs, but I wasn't able to get that construction to work in the time I had. Instead I just had a wrapped head sticking out of a backpack with attached speech balloon saying "Please...I have to get home." Presumably the rest of the shriveled corpse is shoved in the bag. I knew that the odds of being recognized were very low since the costume is for a podcast, and not even a podcast where fanart is super widespread or settled in distinguishing characteristics. Still, I figured that horror podcast fan overlap meant that I might find other Silt Verses fans at the Magnus event. Sure enough, I had one (1) person recognize me there. Silt Verses fan with the long colorful hair, you made my con!

The Our Flag Means Death fan panel was a good time. The love was strong in that room.

Masking, while more common at the con than in your average store or public building these days, was still way too low considering how many people were crowded in after traveling from all over. I kept my mask on indoors except when eating or drinking, and ate almost all of my meals outside. We'll see if that was enough to keep me healthy.

The Brit Track needs to do a better job at getting some new voices with more varied opinions on their Doctor Who discussion panels.

I saw lots of Fourteenth Doctors, which I expected, but I was sad not to have seen any Fifteenth Doctors cosplayers.

In general I feel like I saw slightly less really impressive cosplay than in some past DragonCons, but that may have been just my habit of avoiding some of the really crowded lobby zones when possible. Still plenty of awesome cosplay work around.

As usual it was far too crowded inside and too hot outside. I'm now tired and super achey (in a too much time on my feet way, not in a con crud/covid way for now). Nevertheless, I had an excellent time.

[irradiate-space]

Manhood Gothic

One time on the bus, coming home from shopping, I got to talking to a guy in his 50's riding across from me. He wanted to know why I had a bunch of flowers. Snidely, he asked if I was giving them to my boyfriend. (I had on a vest with Pride pins at the time.) I explained actually, they were for my French professor, whose mother had died. He was confused that I said my professor was male. Nobody gave him flowers when his mom died a year ago, he said. I took a flower out of the arrangement and handed it to him as my stop approached. He looked at it as if I'd given him an entire flower store. — @pro-anomalocaris in this post

Once upon a time, one of my relatives was dying. We were no longer particularly close, since time had robbed her of her memory and distance had robbed us of proximity. Her funeral arrangements were uncertain, so I'd mentioned at work that she would be passing soon, and that I might have to call off unexpectedly. She eventually passed, and I made mention of this to my coworkers, all of whom were at least 200km from me. They said the appropriate things, and I thanked them.

Somehow, a plant arrived at my doorstep. It arrived without boxes, packages, tags, care instructions, or species, just the plant in its planter with a card attributing it to my employer. I had never seen this type of plant before. I was very shocked at its very arrival.

It was one of those emergency-braking panic-stop moments when People Are Behaving Strangely, and I had no clue what was going on or why. Getting ding-dong-ditched by a florist in an unmarked car was not how I expected to memorialize a death. I'd never ever heard of giving potted plants to the bereaved. But then, I'd never been on the side of the divide that handles such things, and never been the recipient of such sympathies. There were few things going through my head other than "¿!?!?" and "¿safe for cat?" and "¿what kind of florist doesn't include labels?"

(Epilogue: Two of our HR folks tracked down the order, determined that the plant was a "prayer plant", and reassured me that it had no qualities that were harmful to my pets.)

[marshallpupfan]

New Marshall Merchandise #57... or #32... or #29, I've Lost Count!

You know, I started posting these updates a few years ago, back when many of my followers were curious about anything I added to my collection. Some of them have gone quiet, possibly moved on or lost interest in PAW Patrol. I'm not sure if my current followers have any interest in these updates. At this point, I just post about these now because I enjoy showing off new items of my favorite character. 😇

And new items, I indeed have! Many of these I've collected over the last month or two, as finding new items hasn't exactly been too easy lately. Most major stores are still selling Jungle Pups and Mighty Movie toys, so hopefully anything new will pop up soon enough. Despite that, I have managed to find a few interesting things!

I first found out about this little figurine when it popped up on Ebay, but nobody would sell it without the other pups (Chase, Skye and Rubble... sadly, no Rocky or Zuma). Someone on Twitter told me they seen some at a Dollar Tree, so of course, I tried checking all the stores I have near me. It took a while, but one finally got some in! Best of all, it's only $1.25, so that's cool!

Hey, you know what else is cool?

Accidentally finding another piece of merchandise I didn't expect to see! I'd actually seen one of these on Ebay earlier the same day, but I thought it was a part of some set. Much to my surprise, Dollar Tree also had it, and also for $1.25. It's not the most impressive of the bath squirters I own, but I'm still happy to add it to my collection!

Ha, look at the label! Chase, Marshall, Skye... and Zuma! Well, it makes sense, given he's the water pup, but I still didn't expect that. Nice to see him on a label for once. :)

I'd actually seen pictures of these online a few times over the years, although they were typically branded as Christmas candy. I never could find any at the stores near me, but then a friend said she seen some at Walgreens. I searched around and finally found one... the last one they had left, in fact! Score! And yeah, I likely won't eat it... it'll sit in my collection along with that other Easter candy I got. lol

...huh, I just noticed it's cracked around the neck. I don't think it was like that when I bought it. Guess I somehow did that. Oops... but it still looks cool, right? Maybe I can find one to replace it when they show up again next year... if they show up again next year. 😅

I seen this at a garage sale for $1. How could I say no? Besides, just look at Marshall on this thing! Too cute, as always! 🥰

Actually, this was yet another lucky find, since I've seen these on Ebay for like $10 (with $5 shipping or so). The fact it's practically in perfect condition is also quite awesome. Living in a small town has it perks!

Last, and it's the priciest item today. I seen this while helping my folks with their shopping at Walmart. They had a few, but they were all Marshall. I wasn't going to get one at first, due to just how big it is, but my mother knows I collect practically anything of Marshall, so she bought it for me. Indeed, I'm already having trouble finding a spot for it, but no doubt I will... eventually... along with the other items on my table. Remember my last few updates? Yeah... most of those items are still sitting there, too. I'm running out of room! lol

That's all for now! I actually do have a few more items coming in the mail, so I'll have a few more things to show off soon enough... Valentines plush dolls, in fact. Ones I expected my local Walmart to get, but they never did. Otherwise, a friend of mine in the UK has offered to send me something I believe is only being sold in her country, so I'll get to add another imported item to my collection soon! I always love doing that, so I'm looking forward to getting it!

As for the Rescue Wheels toys, I've no idea when they'll show up. Maybe in June? July? Whenever the USA finally puts the episodes on their schedule. Now that I think about it, they'll probably be the last toys based on the original designs, huh? All future merch will likely use the new style. We better enjoy it while it lasts, I suppose.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

This post originally appeared on Reddit

My "Aha Moment" happened because of a package of hamburger meat. I asked my husband to stop by the store to pick up a few things for dinner, and when he got home, he plopped the bag on the counter. I started pulling things out of the bag, and realized he'd gotten the 70/30 hamburger meat - which means it's 70% lean and 30% fat.

I asked, "What's this?"

"Hamburger meat," he replied, slightly confused.

"You didn't get the right kind," I said.

"I didn't?" He replied with his brow furrowed. " Was there some other brand you wanted or something?"

"No. You're missing the point, " I said. "You got the 70/30. I always get at least the 80/20."

He laughed. "Oh. That's all? I thought I'd really messed up or something."

That's how it started. I launched into him. I berated him for not being smarter. Why would he not get the more healthy option? Did he even read the labels? Why can't I trust him? Do I need to spell out every little thing for him in minute detail so he gets it right? Also, and the thing I was probably most offended by, why wasn't he more observant? How could he not have noticed over the years what I always get? Does he not pay attention to anything I do?

As he sat there, bearing the brunt of my righteous indignation and muttering responses like, "I never noticed," "I really don't think it's that big of a deal," and "I'll get it right next time," I saw his face gradually take on an expression that I'd seen on him a lot in recent years. It was a combination of resignation and demoralization. He looked eerily like our son does when he gets chastised. That's when it hit me. "Why am I doing this? I'm not his mom."

I suddenly felt terrible. And embarrassed for myself. He was right. It really wasn't anything to get bent out of shape over. And there I was doing just that. Over a silly package of hamburger meat that he dutifully picked up from the grocery store just like I asked. If I had specific requirements, I should have been clearer. I didn't know how to gracefully extract myself from the conversation without coming across like I have some kind of split personality, so I just mumbled something like, "Yeah. I guess we'll make do with this. I'm going to start dinner."

He seemed relieved it was over and he left the kitchen.

And then I sat there and thought long and hard about what I'd just done. And what I'd been doing to him for years, probably. The "hamburger meat moment," as I've come to call it, certainly wasn't the first time I scolded him for not doing something the way I thought it should be done. He was always putting something away in the wrong place. Or leaving something out. Or neglecting to do something altogether. And I was always right there to point it out to him.

Why do I do that? How does it benefit me to constantly belittle my husband? The man that I've taken as my partner in life. The father of my children. The guy I want to have by my side as I grow old. Why do I do what women are so often accused of, and try to change the way he does every little thing? Do I feel like I'm accomplishing something? Clearly not if I feel I have to keep doing it. Why do I think it's reasonable to expect him to remember everything I want and do it just that way? The instances in which he does something differently, does it mean he's wrong? When did "my way" become "the only way?" When did it become okay to constantly correct him and lecture him and point out every little thing I didn't like as if he were making some kind of mistake?

And how does it benefit him? Does it make him think, "Wow! I'm sure glad she was there to set me straight?" I highly doubt it. He probably feels like I'm harping on him for no reason whatsoever. And it I'm pretty sure it makes him think his best approach in regards to me is to either stop doing things around the house, or avoid me altogether.

Two cases in point. #1. I recently found a shard of glass on the kitchen floor. I asked him what happened. He said he broke a glass the night before. When I asked why he didn't tell me, he said, "I just cleaned it up and threw it away because I didn't want you to have a conniption fit over it." #2. I was taking out the trash and found a pair of blue tube socks in the bin outside. I asked him what happened and why he'd thrown them away. He said, "They accidentally got in the wash with my jeans. Every time I put in laundry, you feel the need to remind me not to mix colors and whites. I didn't want you to see them and reinforce your obvious belief that I don't know how to wash clothes after 35 years."

So it got to the point where he felt it was a better idea — or just plain easier — to cover things up than admit he made a human error. What kind of environment have I created where he feels he's not allowed to make mistakes?

And let's look at these "offenses": A broken glass. A pair of blue tube socks. Both common mistakes that anyone could have made. But he was right. Regarding the glass, I not only pointed out his clumsiness for breaking it, but also due to the shard I found, his sad attempt at cleaning it up. As for the socks, even though he'd clearly stated it was an accident, I gave him a verbal lesson about making sure he pays more attention when he's sorting clothes. Whenever any issues like this arise, he'll sit there and take it for a little bit, but always responds in the end with something like, "I guess it just doesn't matter that much to me."

I know now that what he means is, "this thing that has you so upset is a small detail, or a matter of opinion, or a preference, and I don't see why you're making it such a big deal." But from my end I came to interpret it over time that he didn't care about my happiness or trying to do things the way I think they should be done. I came to view it like "this guy just doesn't get it." I am clearly the brains of this operation.

I started thinking about what I'd observed with my friends' relationships, and things my girlfriends would complain about regarding their husbands, and I realized that I wasn't alone. Somehow, too many women have fallen into the belief that Wife Always Knows Best. There's even a phrase to reinforce it: "Happy wife, happy life." That doesn't leave a lot of room for his opinions, does it?

It's an easy stereotype to buy into. Look at the media. Movies, TV, advertisements - they're all filled with images of hapless husbands and clever wives. He can't cook. He can't take care of the kids. If you send him out to get three things, he'll come back with two — and they'll both be wrong. We see it again and again.

What this constant nagging and harping does is send a message to our husbands that says "we don't respect you. We don't think you're smart enough to do things right. We expect you to mess up. And when you do, you'll be called out on it swiftly and without reservation." Given this kind of negative reinforcement over time, he feels like nothing he can do is right (in your eyes). If he's confident with himself and who he is, he'll come to resent you. If he's at all unsure about himself, he'll start to believe you, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Neither one is a desirable, beneficial outcome to you, him or the marriage.

Did my husband do the same to me? Just as I'm sure there are untold numbers of women who don't ever do this kind of thing to their husbands, I'm sure there are men who do it to their wives too. But I don't think of it as a typical male characteristic. As I sat and thought about it, I realized my husband didn't display the same behavior toward me. I even thought about some of the times I really did make mistakes. The time I backed into the gate and scratched the car? He never said a word about it. The time I was making dinner, got distracted by a call from my mom, and burned it to cinders? He just said, "We can just order a pizza." The time I tried to put the new patio furniture together and left his good tools out in the rain? "Accidents happen," was his only response.

I shuddered to think what I would have said had the shoe been on the other foot and he'd made those mistakes.

So is he just a better person than me? Why doesn't he bite my head off when I don't do things the way he likes? I'd be a fool to think it doesn't happen. And yet I don't remember him ever calling me out on it. It doesn't seem he's as intent as changing the way I do things. But why?

Maybe I should take what's he always said at face value. The fact that these little things "really don't matter that much to him" is not a sign that he's lazy, or that he's incapable of learning, or that he just doesn't give a damn about what I want. Maybe to him, the small details are not that important in his mind — and justifiably so. They're not the kinds of things to start fights over. They're not the kinds of things he needs to change about me. It certainly doesn't make him dumb or inept. He's just not as concerned with some of the minutia as I am. And it's why he doesn't freak out when he's on the other side of the fence.

The bottom line in all this is that I chose this man as my partner. He's not my servant. He's not my employee. He's not my child. I didn't think he was stupid when I married him - otherwise I wouldn't have. He doesn't need to be reprimanded by me because I don't like the way he does some things.

When I got to that point mentally, it then made me start thinking about all the good things about him. He's intelligent. He's a good person. He's devoted. He's awesome with the kids. And he does always help around the house. (Just not always to my liking!) Even more, not only does he refrain from giving me grief when I make mistakes or do things differently than him, he's always been very agreeable to my way of doing things. And for the most part, if he notices I prefer to do something a certain way, he tries to remember it in the future. Instead of focusing on those wonderful things, I just harped on the negative. And again, I know I'm not alone in this.

If we keep attempting to make our husbands feel small, or foolish, or inept because they occasionally mess up (and I use that term to also mean "do things differently than us"), then eventually they're going to stop trying to do things. Or worse yet, they'll actually come to believe those labels are true.

In my case it's my husband of 12+ years I'm talking about. The same man who thanklessly changed my car tire in the rain. The guy who taught our kids to ride bikes. The person who stayed with me at the hospital all night when my mom was sick. The man who has always worked hard to make a decent living and support his family.

He knows how to change the oil in the car. He can re-install my computer's operating system. He lifts things for me that are too heavy and opens stuck jar lids. He shovels the sidewalk. He can put up a ceiling fan. He fixes the toilet when it won't stop running. I can't (or don't) do any of those things. And yet I give him grief about a dish out of place. He's a good man who does a lot for me, and doesn't deserve to be harassed over little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Since my revelation, I try to catch myself when I start to nag. I'm not always 100% consistent, but I know I've gotten a lot better. And I've seen that one little change make a big improvement in our relationship. Things seem more relaxed. We seem to be getting along better. It think we're both starting to see each other more as trusted partners, not adversarial opponents at odds with each other in our day-to-day existence. I've even come to accept that sometimes his way of doing things may be better!

It takes two to make a partnership. No one is always right and no one is always wrong. And you're not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It doesn't make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little thing he does that's not to your liking. Ladies, remember, it's just hamburger meat.

==

What socially acceptable abuse looks like.

[serendipitous-mage]

i don't want to derail the post but was thinking this morning about the bar kid comic and how despite my father being a complete and utter bastard he didn't do that to me-

but then i realized

he *did*

not at a bar, but at the church. my family was very religious when i was growing up and we always went on sundays. my father worked a lot, and when i was younger i still liked him because i didn't know things and he was my dad, of course i would want to spend time with him, right? so sometimes after church, instead of going home with everyone else, i would elect to stay with my father while he chatted with friends that he never really got to see anywhere else probably

it would be fine for a while, i was—and i cannot stress this enough—a *very* easily amused child. i didn't make friends until middle school i was very used to keeping myself entertained all day and had an extremely active imagination, so i'd hang around by his side for a while when there were still people filtering out of their seats, but once the place was mostly empty, i'd start running around and crawling under seats. checking cushions for loose change or buttons or paper, anything i could stack or toss or play with. sometimes there would be another kid or two and we would play tag or something for a while, but they always left after not too llong

not my father though

hours.. and hours..... and HOURS he would stay there. i don't even know what he was doing. i would eventually run out of energy and get hungrier, and hungrier, and he'd say we would leave soon. i would eventually lie on some of the seats staring at the ceiling a short distance away from him and whoever he was talking to, kicking my feet and Waiting to be able to go home (it was a short walk, but i wasn't old enough to cross the street by myself). i would eventually realize thaat this was always what was going to happen, and not stay behind...but not for a while, because i still believed him

this was before cell phones were common, and we were too poor for me to have one anyway. i couldn't message anyone to come and get me, i just had to wait until he decided to leave

sometimes on a rare Lucky day, i'd either find in the seats or be given a few cents to go spend at the little candy store ... which in hindsight, might've been illegal (although where it was a church, let's be honest, i'm sure there's some way they get around it). they would have individual reeses or hershey kisses and other little candies for like 5-10 cents, and after service the place was always flooded with kids loading up on sweets with their paper bills. we usually didn't have the money, so any time i actually had a few little coins for myself i would look around Very Carefully and Think Hard to try and maximize my chocolate acquired for the amount of cents i had

but the little store was never open long after service, so if we were there for hours, it's not like i could really go anywhere else. just rows and rows of seats and my father aand a friend talking in the corner. sometimes if it was an especially long stay, i'd start wandering the hallways. there was a cafeteria downstairs used for events and holidays, and if we were there long enough all the lights there and in the halls would be out, and it was dark and spooky and quiet. i liked it, but not enough to be stuck there and starving for as long as i was

we're quick to slap a big old 'addiction' label on people who have problems with alcohol or drugs, people who get sucked into video games or shows, but religion is always seen as normal, as healthy even, regardless of the extremity. the reason i would stay with him even though i knew i would be bored after the first few hours is because that man poured *all* of his free time into the church. volunteering, nursing home ministry, *giving money away when we didn't have enough for food*, he was 'charitable' to a fault, and the entirety of the negatives of that fault came back on his wife and children.

he was always there, and back then i still wanted time with him because i didn't know any better ... even if that time was just spent in the same big room a world away while he kept promising just a few more minutes, and i sat hungry, waiting

[big-low-t]

Impact Albums, Part 3

@pyretic-perfect-storm (thank you!) posted some of the albums that impacted her while growing up. I thought I would do the same...

Fugazi - "13 Songs" - In college I rented a house with a buddy and some other students were renting the house beside ours. One day I was blasting the Ramones first album and one of the guys next door yelled from his window - "Is that the new Ramones album?" I said "No, it's their first one." He replied "Shit, it doesn't matter, they all sound the same and they are all awesome." So I had a music fan living next door I began talking to him from time to time. I shared a Voivod album with him and one day he played me this Fugazi record. Amazing band. This got me into following and listening to many of the artists on the same label as Fugazi - Dischord Records. I feel lucky to have seen Fugazi play live two times. One of the most amazing bands I've ever seen. One of the greatest bands, EVER.

Skinny Puppy - "Rabies" - I was already listening to "The Land of Rape and Honey" by Ministry at this point of my musical journey. I had heard that Ministry album playing at a frat party in college and me being the music nerd that I am, instead of drinking and chatting up girls I was asking what that band was that was playing on the stereo. So fast forward a bit and I am browsing a record store. I see this Skinny Puppy album. Minstry's Al Jourgenson's name is on this one and that got me to buy it. My fist Skinny Puppy album. Not their best, but wow they were just so different from anything I had ever heard before. So it got me to buy a few of their older albums and I was fully hooked by the time they released "Too Dark Park," which I consider Skinny Puppy's best album. I will forever regret not catching one of their amazing live shows.

Morphine - "Cure For Pain" - I never thought I would find myself listening to a band like this. No guitar, just drums, bass and a saxophone. These guys had some sort of jazz, alternative, blues, smoky bar tinged sound that didn't exactly fit into any normal genres. I couldn't help but like them when I first saw the music video for the song "Thursday" on MTVs 120 minutes show.

-----------

And talk about an impact musically, 120 Minutes on MTV opened the door to so many bands for me. Lush, Pixies, Depeche Mode, Hum, R.E.M., Echo and The Bunnymen and just way too many to list them all. I tried to watch it every Sunday whenever I could.

Thanks again to @pyretic-perfect-storm for her post. Thanks also for anyone brave enough or insane enough to have read all of my music rambling. I'd love to see some impactful albums and artists from some other Tumblr folks... but only if you have the time and want to do it! Have a good day everyone!

[revisitnormal]

asher's dubious bastard ramen recipe

are you like me, someone who both fucking loves ramen and also can't make the real deal to save their life?

boy do i have some good fucking news for you

I never measure jack shit, which is a bit of a shame because I know folks like specifics in recipes, but I have faith in your ability to improvise. Ready? Ready.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything I used for this I just had chilling around my kitchen. It's mostly very flexible, and (save for one extremely key ingredient) you can use whatever you have sitting in your kitchen for this to work!

First off, toppings

In order to make packaged ramen a closer cousin to the real deal, you gotta add some toppings. This also has the added benefit of making it into A Whole Meal instead of just noodles in broth.

I have a specific list of the toppings I use, but that's just because I'm a very picky boy. I'll throw on some thinly slice some mushrooms and scallions, add some chicken I cooked up, and poach an egg in the broth to finish it off.*

Other recommended toppings I've seen are: nori, bamboo shoots, American cheese, kimchi, spam, bean sprouts, bok choy, sriracha, frozen veggies, and more.

Truly, you can put whatever the fuck you want on this bad boy.

Next, the soup

We've got our toppings all chosen and prepped, now it's time for the star of the show.

First up is the chicken broth. If you can get your hands on it, I'd recommend one of the "bone broth" labeled ones. To my knowledge, all stock/broth is bone broth, but they seem to have put some extra effort into these bad boys. In any case, if you can get good quality chicken broth you should use that, as it's the majority of the base.

Now I like things to have a bit of spice to them, so I add a dollop of gochujang (a Korean chili paste) and some pre-grated ginger (I use the kind in a tube, but that's just because I hate doing dishes and didn't want to grate it myself.) I didn't add that much for this ramen, but you can adjust accordingly to your desired heat level.

You'll also need a little pat of butter, the seasoning packet from the ramen, and some soy sauce.

Then, the Secret

Gelatin. Powdered gelatin.**

You know what gives ramen broth its delicious body? What makes it velvety and delicious and hearty? Yeah they make that ingredient in powdered form and it's indefinitely shelf-stable. As I was grabbing the instant ramen pack I saw it gathering dust in my pantry and went ".....huh"

Folks this is the one non-negotiable ingredient in this secret recipe.

Luckily, unflavored gelatin is really easy to come by in the baking aisle of your local grocery store.***

Finally, the process

Gather your toppings. Wash and slice what needs to be washed and sliced (mushrooms and scallions), cook what needs to be cooked (chicken), and set aside things that can't be added yet (soon-to-be-poached egg.)

Get some chicken stock heating on the stove. Add in your gochujang and ginger, as well as some of the instant-ramen flavoring packet and soy sauce to taste.

While you're bringing the broth to a boil, bloom your gelatin according to instructions. Generally, this means sprinkle over cold water and let sit for 1-5 minutes so the granules can hydrate properly.

Add your brick of noodles to the water once it boils, keeping an eye on it. While the noodles are still a bit undercooked, use tongs to take them out and put them into your serving bowl.****

Once your noodles are safely moved and your gelatin fully bloomed, turn the heat off.

Transfer a few spoonfuls of broth into your gelatin water and stir until dissolved. If it's not dissolving, you might need to add some more hot broth, or potentially the gelatin didn't bloom long enough (which I don't know how to fix.)

When all the gelatin is dissolved, pour the mixture into no-longer-boiling broth, add your little pat of butter, and stir to combine.

Crack an egg into the broth and put a lid on the pot to trap the residual heat while the egg poaches.

When the egg is done (???? minutes later? I am so sorry), transfer everything into the serving bowl and top appropriately.

The end!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know this is a super bastardized version of real ramen, but when you want something similar but don't have the cash for the real deal this version is still pretty darn tasty. I hope your instant ramen turns out as delicious as mine did, and I'd love to hear if you decide to give this a try.

Love,

Asher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Frozen corn and bean sprouts also join the mix when I have them, but bean sprouts go bad faster than I can eat them and I always forget to check the freezer for ramen ingredients. Sometimes if I'm feeling fancy I'll toast some sesame seeds, but only sometimes because of Textures™️

**I only used powdered because that's what I had, but I don't see any reason why you couldn't use sheet gelatin instead!

***If you're a vegetarian/vegan, make sure you check to see that your gelatin is too– not all of them are.

****The instant noodles' structural integrity is dubious at best, and will turn to mush if you let them cook all the way.

[scheherazades-vigil]

CW: disabilities, (mild daily type) ableism, mental illness, chronic illness, transmasc identity, (mild daily annoying) transphobia, COVID, discourse, abuse

Trust, I've seen some shit. It's honestly been noticeably *harder* for me to find both belief and sympathy when addressing my (invisible) physical limitations and disabilities. Frankly, I'm just glad I've got enough (worsening) leg trouble to justify my cane, because fuck if that don't justify my existence in the eyes of the vocal majority.

I'll never forget the time I, after the queue for disabled store hrs during early COVID, waited in line and heard countless times that you needed to be "elderly or pregnant," to be allowed admission.

Legally/per store instruction, disability was a necessary requirement of this trifecta, but no employee bothered to assure it. I hope no disabled people fucked off b/c of the stupidity of these (presumably) young, cishet white dudes, parrots with a smirk essentially telling them to do as such by implying without statement that their lack of presentation presents as a lacking of worthy disability. The old Karens of the waiting crowd would jeer at passersby. "Elderly and pregnant only!' they'd screech. Then, if a younger person got in line, best believe they were notified repeatedly by the throng. Wish I could steal a pair of balls that I ought've been born with from the start, so I could scream right back at them without mortal terror and shaking with the right of it.

Good thing, again, for my cane. I'd be disabled regardless, but with it, I (to my amused-rage), I'd be left well enough alone. Same with my disability placard. Look able bodied with it, tho, give up on ever feeling peace again. Least as I hear it. Even if you do have it, eeeh. On all the counts. Perks just suck.

The part I cared about was after I got in, though, already cleared by staff obviously. There were some odd goings-on. But some old woman (yeah, it was always the old women tbh, larger numbers but seemingly unlimited supply of judgment so all the fiercer), that, to my surprise, approached me to discuss the state of my cart.

How full it was. How quickly. I realized I was getting into a "What big eyes you have," discussion sooner than I would've cared to (at least afterwards, then, I'd have had just cause to get her in trouble). Instead, she got her metaphors all mixed up, and I moved on from her, the old wolf who would be a woodcutter. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My sister was there helping me, naturally. Contrary to popular belief, disabled people do have families, may not be able to drive themselves, may be able to load a cart quickly if necessary, but may also be unable to unload it, etc etc. Whatever. I just smiled and agreed and smiled and nodded in all the ways one does with the old; eyes locked, nodding, growing to imposing stature, backing away.

I made my escape, but only barely. Lolol sorry I'm not aiming to play this up, I'm just easily amused. There's a million little (or huge) things that happen to invisibly disabled people all the time. Bizarre, cruel things. The elderly, especially, who most talk of our (millennials and younger) entitlement, tend to be the most entitled of all I've met, be they boomers or older. They've decided they've got a horse in this race (??? but why), and that gives them leave to patrol it. Anyway, you don't need to be invisibly disabled. They might call you a faker or just not care.

ASD lvl 2. Practiced all my life to pass, not to act out of line as a "proper woman," perhaps because I am neither. Yet another situation the aggressively abled impose upon. You're either not disabled enough or too disabled and there are functioning labels and yeah either you couldn't possibly get it you're just normal or you don't get it because you're not normal enough. It's rancid.

It all comes together in funny ways at the Starbucks inside, where people do not know how to treat me, because obviously "as human" is a reach for them. Also yeah, trans shit? I'll tell them a nickname. It's 3 letters and they ask how it's spelled. "Eli, okay..." excruciating pause, averted eye contact "... and how is that spelled?"

Anyone who reads Eli as my name and sees me? Yeah. No, *they* don't ask. They speak assuredly, "Ellie!" Little menaces lol. Big bag stuff is wise, but this still adds up.

My mental health is, to put it bluntly, garbage. Leg-aside (I have fallen at least a dozen times on tile, with my kneecaps, ftr, esp the bad [right] one, average 1-4 bone bruises biweekly, just started getting it sorted, but ya my leg was bad before anyway), my chronic illness is doing me a disservice. The ebb and flow between it and mental illness is disturbing and rude. I have EPS/TD from an antipsychotic prescribed to avoid "autistic irritability" from a time when I was being actively abused, idk, for like 11 years I guess, and I was so very damaged from that (cPTSD among others)... but I was never irritable, and no one warned me I could be permanently disabled in a new and horrifying way (+emotional lability for weeks before evening and maintaining, never leaving, + important control disorders in the form of "retail therapy" that built debt I can never repay hahaha and it's back again now that we're trying other meds! I had a brilliant month and a half of misery but zero spending, there!).

Meh I'm making myself sad but, there's a ton of other things I wanted to include and address in agreement with this post and for the sake of pro-intersectionality of everything and anything, more or less. I'm "too white" for a mestizo Latinx, I'm too feminine to pass as male-aligned, so if people see my legs I'm lucky when they ¯\_(ツ)_/¯and tell their kids "some people like that," I'm too young to be in so much pain, I also must be exaggerating my pain, especially dentally (so confused, I had total mouth surgery? I survived that agony for which I wasn't even forewarned?! My local ran off mid-root canal and the dentist finished anyway, despite my shouted, clenched protests, because you can't just. Get up or you'll lose an eye or smth idk? But no, THIS pain surely must be invented or it's hyperbole?!? Peeeeeooople).

I'm too inexperienced for a lot of other stuff, disputes, passing, whatever. I feel like a child. I may have known significantly more in the past, functioned more convincingly, succeeded in places I can no longer be physically or mentally present.

I also have OCD, DPD, (am I bipolar now? do I just have mania forever, and if so what does that mean diagnostically? I need to ask but want to wait to see how my meds are shaking out so I can mass address), MDD, GAD... Certain I'm missing things, but I've got to leave now anyway! Hugs! Be well y'all.

I hope this is somehow helpful and not triggering for anyone, because it hurt a good deal to write it. A confession, of sorts, if short.

There's a mistake I see a lot of people in the mental health community make and in all honesty, it's one I've made myself. But I think we should really work on it. And that's saying "if this were a physical illness, wouldn't you care?"

I've learned that no actually, people wouldn't care. Katelyn Weinstein (theADHDprincess on Twitter) is a neurodiversity acceptance activist who really put this in perspective for me. She said that it's actually more an issue of longevity than physical vs mental health.

If you're having a bad day people will generally be understanding. But when you're experiencing chronic depression and you have many bad days people lose sympathy.

In the same respect people may be understanding when you've broken a bone that will heal properly or when you have a cold that will go away soon in ways they simply won't understand when you have chronic pain or need to use a wheelchair. They may send chicken soup for a temporary situation, but when you need consistent accomodations it's an entirely different story.

I understand that from our perspective it looks like people care more about physical health than mental health, but it's good to remember that our own perspective is also limiting. Facing ableism doesn't mean you can't be ableist. And I know so many people are not ill-intentioned when they say this. I know I wasn't. But we can't discount the lived experiences of physically disabled people. If we want true equality we need to be united and we need to listen to those with physical disabilities and illnesses. And those with physical disabilities and illnesses (some of which are also invisible) have said that they are not given proper accomodations either.

So let's be united and fight for equality and accomodations for everyone, no matter what their illness or disability may be.

[mspi]

Trying to get an idea

I'm asking this bc an example would be Star Wars. It's not as if any of us needed to see the Star Wars Prequel. However reading Dune in order can get darn helpful. Note: I haven't seen any of the Dune films as an adult who can understand the storyline.

There's a reason why I pulled up the review on this series. Now that I think about it, an illustrated edition can sometimes be helpful.

It's fun for me to post these things because in some cultures, they consider being called a nerd cruel and demeaning. Here's the thing, I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area/Silicon Valley where it's generally accepted and even embraced. My claiming the title scares so many others. Then again, my beauty queen title long ago frightened a major league crush of mine to the point of backing away--we were sitting in the front seats of his car.

Hold up, there's a theme with people I've dated later in life. My nerd self way part of my identity and they had to have known without saying a word--they didn't need to. Finding that I happily worked for a video game store of my free will had to count for something. Following a day of school with a trip to the bookstore after I finished a book so I can pick up something new from the NYT Bestsellers pile to feed my hunger after the last read must've sent a message. If not, maybe finding me reading on the 3rd floor of an empty university library was a sign. Nah, the last bit couldn't be it. They didn't even ask what I was going through. Had they asked they never would've guessed I was deciding my concentration. Hilarious they contacted me decades later with a picture of the book I was reading and pointedly laughed about my stealing a library book. Touche, I had that book from a class I took from a different college years earlier. Remind me to label my stuff.

Geek confirmation is also given when I'm recognized by voice or face at conferences. Embarrassing sometimes but at others it's a relief when a total self promoting loser of a self described amazing hacker is bugging you. Never thought I'd find myself trying to get away from the twit. I only stopped by their presentation as I read one of their books in college; even have a kindle copy of it. Grr... Now I have an autographed copy of their newest one. All so I could take a pic with them and post the selfie to irk old colleagues. It was on Valentine's Day and I had to show an interesting date to irk some people. Hope it sent a message to the dweeb when presenters of an international security company called me by my last known title and told me to go to them so they could show me their new goodies. It's the hardcore IT moment when they want to show you what they've created for the government. Hah, the doofus got flexed on.

Really though, what that company did was the equivalent of calling a little kid over to show you dog to them to play with. However when I began discussing international use of the security company's tracker with satellites and why I would no longer need it, the goof who thought they had game shrank in stature. Not knocking the cute animal to reel in clients or anything. Years later a diff security company had cats at their kiosk. Awesome, but I'm deathly allergic.

Now the Jack Russell terrier who trailed me and stole a ball I tossed up in the air was too cool. That and the female hackers at their booth and I got to discuss what it's been like as women in IT. We also shared the creeper feeling that radiated from the nerd I fled from in the last paragraph. The guy's not all that bad, he's a good programmer and an idjit of a hacker that's learned how to turn their experience getting caught into a business of teaching others how to not so easily get hacked. For that, I'll salute the man because it's something I'd never ever want to be doomed to do as a job.

I've gotta quit going off topic. Believe what I was trying to initially cover was how important reading a series of books in order is. How's this? Pulling up a video review covering it does the trick while also bringing along spoilers with it. Another lesson from this read is that engineers have layers--like an onion. 📝 I'm gonna need to turn the awkward moment into something Mean Girls or Clueless cool one day.

Happy trails and I'll share more with y'all again later. 🍻

-- dnagirl

24.02 2023

[koitrash]

I like your voice P3

I wanted to get this chapter out last night but smut got a little heavier than anticipated and the chapter just got too long so i had to cut it in half. anyways i hope you guys enjoy! thank you so much for the love on the other two! <33

Pairing: Ellie x Fem reader

Warning: Swearing, slight NSFW, finger sucking

Word count: 3.1k

Part 1, Part 2, Part 4

"Cleared out the west building." You panted as you caught up to Jesse, a bead of sweat forming in between your furrowed brows. He has just finished checking an abandoned store for supplies but he looked like ran through a rats nest. "I take it you didn't find anything." You continued, lifting a brow at the boy covered in cobwebs.

"No." He huffed, brushing some webs off his shoulder with a frown playing on his features. "I didn't find shit Y/n, thank you very much." He said, clearly annoyed that you pointed out his failure.

"I'd rather crawl through cobwebs than find a group of runners so I'd say you're lucky." You pushed your pistol into its sleeve on your thigh. Sighing in the surprisingly hot sun, warming your face. You sported a black tee shirt with your favorite jeans and a heavy backpack now starting to ache your muscles. Wiping some gross zombie guts off your leg you eyed the gun holster tied to your thigh. You might not like patrol but you can't deny how attractive you felt in this get up.

"Hey, is that a bookstore?" You squinted at a small building that looked like it was the product of a nuclear war. "What was that book you said you lost?" You continued walking.

"Hey- wait you never even told me what happened on your last patrol." Jesse followed, reminding you about information you failed to share. To your defense you haven't seen him for a couple days since you guys have both been so busy.

"Oh right. Seems like Dina is into you, I wouldn't worry about Ellie too much." You summed up the interaction quickly, leaving Jesse satisfied enough to not continue to press. You heard him mumble a soft 'huh' as you ducked your head into the dark bookstore. You walked along the dusted books, letting your fingers drag along the hardcovers.

"Savage starlight." You heard Jesse call as he also ducked into the building. "It's a comic book," He continued, making a beeline for the area labeled comics barely hanging onto the wall. "It's blue with a superhero on the front."

You walked around seeing nothing close to what he said. You even swore you went around twice to no avail, not that there were a lot of books here to begin with, or at least readable books. Some of them were covered in moss, others were in puddles of water. The ones that remained neatly on the shelfs weren't blue and didn't look like a comic book at all.

You ducked out of the building with a small book stuffed into the side of your backpack. You weren't much of a reader but you did enjoy short horror novels when you had time.

"Hey what do you say we grab some drinks when we get back into town?" Jesse offered, now catching up to you as you approached the two horses next to some trees.

Jumping up, you pulled yourself into the saddle, sighing as you settled. "Yeah" You huffed." I can go for some drinks" The ends of your mouth tugged into a smirk as you glanced over to Jesse also atop of his horse.

He smiled at you before clicking his cheek and his horse took off.

The Tispy Bison was relatively busy, not super packed but there were definitely enough people to make it hotter inside than out. You didn't enjoy coming here because of Seth but it was the only bar in Jackson, and the patrol workers get free drinks on Thursdays. Jesse's broad shoulders crashed into yours to catch your attention. He nodded towards a table with some girls sitting at it. You threw an eyebrow up, squinting to reveal none other than Dina and Ellie chatting with each other drinks in hand. Your face immediately started heating up thinking about your last encounter with the brown haired girl. You chewed on the inside of your lip for a second, knowing Jesse was obviously hinting at sitting with them.

"I'll go grab some drinks, you go ahead." You mentally praised yourself at the quick thinking. A couple of drinks was definitely needed to sit next to Ellie again and not practically leap into her arms. Jesse smiled and nodded now headed towards the table as you went the opposite way to the bar.

She's into you right? There's no way you were reading into it too much, the girl was literally staring at your ass. Maybe you caught her at a bad time and she was looking at something... behind you? Don't be stupid she was staring at your ass. You weren't super oblivious, you could tell when a girl was into you. However, you did like to ignore the blatant signs. Relationships were strictly off limits in a zombie apocalypse. It was rule no. 2, right after Don't die. You've had your fair share of hook ups here and there but you couldn't imagine yourself just hooking up with someone like Ellie Willams. She was practically the woman of your dreams and you barely even knew her.

Two glasses filled halfway with liquor plop in front of you, drawing you out of your thoughts. You nodded and grabbed them, twirling around to the table that's got your stomach doing backflips. Walking towards them Ellie glanced up looking uninterested in the conversation between Dina and Jesse. Her eyes immediately settled on you, stalking up to their table. She smiled as she sighed out your name.

"Y/n, Hey." She visibly relaxed, watching you hand Jesse his drink. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Your chest tightened hearing her say your name again.

"Hey." You smiled at her, admiring her beautiful face. That beauty mark that you'd never get tired of, her soft lips pressed into a smile, a slice in her eyebrow just enhancing her features. You glanced down at her shirt. She wore a white tee again but this time without the flannel accompanying. Her arms flexed as she moved them to rest atop of the table, fiddling with her fingers. You don't know how you missed it but, boy were you head over heels for this girl. A big fern tattoo covered her arm and you mentally thanked the universe for putting this beautiful woman in your life.

"Woah, neat tattoo." You said as you sipped your drink, holding down the urge to twist your face up. She lifted her arm slightly, glancing down at it like she forgot it was there. She thanked you softly as you slid your hand over to it.

"Can I touch?" You looked up at her, letting your hand hover over her arm. She looked shocked, eyes wide as her eyebrows shot up. She nudged her arm into your hand. "Yeah, of course." An excited smile playing at her mouth.

Her skin was smooth and warm. You let your fingers dance over the soft ridges of the slightly risen tattoo, admiring the veins that popped out underneath. You twisted her wrist around to see the rest. A moth drawn neatly close to her the inside of her elbow. Your fingers traced down the fern to the top of her hand when you stopped, middle finger barely caressing her knuckle. God everything about her was so perfect. You hummed, letting your index finger lightly tap her hand before retreating it back to your cup.

"Tattoos are so cool, I wish I had one but I have no idea what to get." You sighed glancing up at Ellie who seemed to be frozen in place, arm still hovering over the table like it was still in your hold. Her face was slightly red as her ears pulled back, a smile curled her features. "Did it hurt?" You continued, lifting the glass to your mouth as your eyes studied her reaction.

"Nah not really, what are you scared?" She teased. Truth was, that tattoo hurt like a bitch. She's never admit it, but it was done by her ex girlfriend who babied her through the entire tattoo, knowing Ellie would never tap out or take a break. "Okay maybe shading hurt a tad bit." She smiled.

You scoffed at her. "I'm not scared-"

"Don't worry, Y/n, I'll be there to hold your hand." She grinned, taking a sip of her drink. You let your elbows lean forward on the table, licking your lips because for whatever reason your mouth felt incredibly dry. "I might take you up on that offer." You smiled glancing at her as her lips left the cup and was replaced by her hand. Her eyebrows shot up at the undeniable flirting you'd been doing. You wanted her to get the hint so bad, and this liquid courage was doing wonders.

"Uhh-" She coughed, " I saw you patrolled the town today." She tried to change subjects.

"Yeah, I found an interesting horror book in a store." You smiled, excited to go home and read it.

"You like horror?"

"I love it. Halloween is my favorite movie. It's so stupid."

"Have you seen the third one? Cracks me up every time, I would watch it with Joel all the time."

"You have a copy of the third one!?" You practically jumped out of your seat. You've been looking for that one everywhere.

"Yeah" Ellie chuckled watching you beam with excitement. "You should come over and watch it one day."

Wait a minute-

"Halloween? Aw I love that movie!" Dina butted into the conversation, probably after noticing you damn near jump out of your seat. "Are you guys going to watch it?"

"I've never seen it." Jesse added on.

"Ellie, you still have the copies at your place right?" Dina turned back to Jesse, resting her hand on his wrist. "You have to see it, I swear you'll die laughing."

"Uhh yeah it's at my place if you want to watch it." Ellie replied, not missing the way she touched him.

Dina jumped up, downing the rest of her drink, she beamed at the rest of the group. "Well what are we waiting on losers, let's go watch it!" She turned on her heels and marched straight for the door. Jesse, having already finished his drink, stood up following her promptly. You whirled your head around to Ellie who looked equally as confused as you. She met your eyes and melted into a soft smile before she downed her drink and stood up. You, doing the same, curled your nose at the awful taste and stood up, now realizing you were slightly buzzed.

The sun was down and it got chilly fairly quickly. It wasn't super cold but cold enough for your hairs to stand up on your bare arms. You followed Dina and Jesse, Ellie walking by your side. Her house wasn't far, maybe a 5 minute walk. You guys talked about random things idly after settling into comfortable silence. Her arm brushed yours a notable amount of times. Dina led the group like it was her own home stopping at the door to wait for Ellie to open it.

It was small, cozy, sloppily decorated like a teenager lived here. She quickly lit a candle on the coffee table next to the couch. Dina immediately started shuffling through some discs looking for the right movie. Ellie turned back at you after turning on her fairy lights bordering the garage. "Do you want some popcorn?" She asked, subconsciously playing with her fingers.

"Come on girl, what's a movie without popcorn?" Jesse joined in before you could answer. Ellie only dropped her hands and scoffed, apparently annoyed that Jesse answered a question that wasn't meant for him. She turned on her heels and grabbed a pan. You started to inspect the space around you. Her bed wasn't made and she had clothes on the floor. A table to the right was covered in papers, little doodles of portraits scattered over them. There was a guitar in the corner of the room. A moth drawn on one of the frets. You turned back to Dina who's shoulder seemed to sag in defeat.

"Ellie, I can't find it. You have the first one right?"

"Uhh, no I think Tommy has the first one, I just have the third." Ellie replied, now hearing kernels pop.

"Oh i've never seen the third one." Dina smiled as she kept flipping through the discs. There weren't a lot of them so this had to be her fourth time carding through them. Ellie had now finished the popcorn and poured it in a large bowl, walking to place it on the coffee table, she glanced over at Dina.

"Dina, it's in your hand." She sighed at the obviously frustrated smaller girl.

"Oh, Haha!" She laughed and you peeked over at Jesse who quite literally looked like he was going to get down on one knee at any second.

You enjoyed watching Dina and Ellie interact. They moved so well together, like they've known each other for centuries.

The movie started playing and you settled down on her bed with everyone else. Dina and Jesse were seated in front of you and Ellie, closer to the headboard. The popcorn in the middle of the four of you.

It was probably 30 minutes into the movie till Dina got bored. She was playing with Jesse's fingers when she finally chirped up.

"Let's play truth or dare." She caught everyone's attention as she grinned widely, turning around to face you and Ellie. You two were leaned into each other, not yet touching but damn near close enough. Your knees were pulled into your chest as Ellie's absently hung off to the side. Dina sat criss-cross in front of Ellie as Jesse sat up and turned around.

Ellie scoffed knowing Dinas short attention span wouldn't allow her to actually finish a movie, especially when the guy she's crushing on is sitting right next to her. "Okay. You go first, truth or dare?" You smiled at her, ready to tease Jesse into the ground.

"Hmm.." She weighed her options for a second. "Truth." Grinning as everyone fell silent, thinking of a good question to ask.

"Is it true that you have a breeding kink?" Ellie asked, grinning from ear to ear. Dinas grin fell flat as her face lit up bright red. You barked out a laugh at the suddenly invasive question. Jesse and Ellie joined in as Dina let her silence answer the question. "No way!" You continued to laugh at her embarrassment.

"J-Jesse , truth or dare!" Dina snapped her head to him wanting so desperately to change the subject.

"Dare." He answered quickly with a smug grin on his lips.

"I dare you to... unlatch Dinas bra... with one hand!" You giggled, feeling payback seep through your veins.

"With your eyes closed!" Ellie added, mirroring your shit eating grin.

"Guys!" Dina barked, red pooling into cheeks. "What the hell!"

"Hey you started it." Ellie laughed as she put her hands up.

Jesse's face was in his hand as he sighed. "Leave it to thing one and thing two." He mumbled lifting his head to reveal his face red as a tomato. You barked out another belly laugh. Man this felt good. That drink from before was fully running through your system now, making you feel unstoppable. Jesse covered his eyes and held a hand out as Dina turned around.

"Atatat '' You tsked and put a hand up. "From the front." You giggled knowing Jesse is absolutely going to kill you for this. Dina groaned and turned back around, having Jesse snake his arm around her back and struggle to open the latch. His eyebrows furrowed as he let out a strained groan.

"What the hell?" He cried. Your sides hurt at how hard you were laughing at the awkward encounter. You wish you had your camera to take a picture of this idiot in front of you. The latch finally gave as Jesse let out a breath and Dina's face got redder. She immediately moved her hands to rehook the bra in embarrassment.

"Ellie, truth or dare?" Jesse uncovered his face, soon returning to a normal shade of red as his embarrassment lingered.

"Dare." She smirked and you almost passed out when she peered over at you. Curiosity written all over her expression, waiting for you to give her a dare. However Dina spoke up this time.

"I dare you to feed Y/n." Dina smirked. It was a fairly simple request. A little too simple. "With my eyes closed?" Ellie asked, eyebrows pushing together in confusion. She knew the request was too simple.

"Nope." Dina replied, a smile still playing on her lips. What the hell was she thinking? You thought to yourself meanwhile, Ellies face heated up. Ellie knew exactly why Dina said that. Dina knew Ellie had zero self control when it came to you. She got flustered so easily at a simple touch, there was no telling how she'd act at this simple gesture.

"Easy." She scoffed trying to play it cool but nobody missed how red her cheeks were. She grabbed a piece of popcorn turning to you, her lips curled into a smirk as her eyes drooped lowly and hungry. You felt your heart damn near beat out of your chest as her warm fingers made contact with your chin, lifting it slightly. She pushed the popcorn pinched in between her fingers into your lips gesturing you to open it. You tried to hold back a smile because quite frankly this was extremely attractive. She held eye contact with you the entire time, like she was drinking up every little detail of your face.

You opened your mouth enough for her to push it in, accompanied with her thumb. Your eyebrows shot up as you looked down at her finger fully in your mouth. Her hand moved quickly to cup your jaw as she watched your shocked expression. Your tongue naturally moved to curl against her finger as she started to slide it out, dragging it down leaving it hanging at your bottom lip for a second. You couldn't help but to curl your lips into a smile because there's fucking no way that just happened. Her hand dropped as she turned back to Dina and Jesse, whose mouths were dropped like they just watched a porno. You chewed on the popcorn as you turned back to them as well, immediately choking at their expressions.

"Y/n, truth or dare." Ellie coughed, Dina and Jesse were still too in shock to speak. Honestly after those rounds of dares you were a little inclined to choose the first option.

"Truth." You stated promptly.

"Do you want to kiss Ellie right now?" Dina questioned.

You've got to be shitting me right now.

Ooooo cliffhanger hehehehe fear not, for i have already posted the next part and it's littered in filth (not really). Thank you for reading!! <333