#if i could draw- id never stop drawing
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AUGHH IDK IF IM LATE BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Anyways,back to flipaclip🏃♀️
OH MY GOD???????? COKE THIS IS SO ADORABLE OH MY GOD?????
THANK YOU SO MUCH??? I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY🥹
#non tickles#strawberry speaks#YOURE SO TALENTED COKE🥹#THIS IS GENUINELY SO NICE#I LOVE THIS SO MUCH COKE WORDS CANT EVEN EXPRESS IT🥹❤️#LOOK AT THE LITTLE STRAWBERRY#AND THE#AND THE LITTLE BIRTHDAY HAT#AND THE CUTE LITTLE BOTTOM LASHES#im so envious of people who can draw#if i could draw- id never stop drawing#id never get anything done!!!#BUT THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND SWEET AND COOL AND#i love this so much thank you🥹❤️
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you open my Super Important Documents and its just pictures of charles xavier
#xmen#mcu#xmen movies#xmen first class#charles xavier#professor x#snap sketches#todays schedule has been ruined by my ever occurring need to practice drawing movie charles its horrendous#i started this sheet last night but then i kept adding to it and i keep wanting to add to it but i MUST stop myself#in an ideal world i get paid to draw charles xavier and erik lehnsherr but no i live in this baka society#sleepless charles WAS inspired by me starting this at 1AM and forcing myself to sleep at 4AM#and then here i am picking i up still later .... i need professional help i fear but i aint got time for that#NEVERTHELESS I THINK IT GOT IT NOW. I THINK IM OK. i think i know how i wanna go bout drawing him now ...#chat can i confess that like. .5% of the reason i barely draw FC charles i because of his hair#for some reason some demonic entity prevents me from drawing it easily i am in STRUGGLE CITY#the only thing that gets me is that whenever i draw him i can only think of the likes of a disney prince but man thems the strokes ig#i also drew a quick dark phoenix charles but i figured id just keep this first class oriented#anything else i want to say ? uh. hm. its funny i never do any of these sheets for erik#genuinely On My Life made One (1) sheet and was like 'no yeah i got it. i got it down'#literally not my fault his head is So Shaped and defined but anyways. this aint about him.#i mean it could be. i still wanna do a doodle page concentrated on drawing how his powers show#more specifically how do i wanna draw the glow cause i cant decide on it ... also i wanna draw the 'levels' ...#but thats for another time. for right now i should probably eat i havent eaten all day#bye bye !!!!!! here's to hoping i draw something thats not a doodle sheet one of these days
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#good grief im gettin a lil tired of seeing 'DONT DO THIS' kinda art videos#i very much understand its a youtube thing and that clickbait names and thumbs get the views and attention needed#but it doesnt mean it doesnt annoy me or that I cant be annoyed by it#sometimes i just see it in tutorial pictures too#but the large DONTS with red Xs near the supposed ''wrong'' way of drawing is so demotivating#people start and draw in many ways than one#its what makes art their own#but when videos or tutorial posts are made and show the ''WRONG'' way to go about it#its like scolding the new artist or long time artist with that style that they're doing it wrong and that its bad#no matter the intention its not the way to go about helping artists learn to draw#and in my personal opinion#the click bait ''DONT DO THIS WHEN DRAWING'' thing is what keeps me from actually watching the vids#i get theyre probably helpful but i don't like that I have to feel some NEED or DESIRE to click on a vid cause I feel like I did a thing#wrong or that i never should have done it at all#i wish i could see more 'here are some tips that helped me#kinda vids cause yes i would love to learn what helped you rather than being or feeling wronged for drawing in a way that isn't theirs#im rambling but i have been seeing a lot of 'DONT DO THIS' NEVER DO THIS' 'IF YOURE DOING THIS STOP NOW' kinda art vids#im speakin for myself here#but im an artist sifting through art youtube or spaces always willing to learn new ways of improving my art#i dont need to feel click baited like the next 3am don't this kid to learn how to improve my inking skills#if it was more a 'this is my personal preference and I wanna share it with my audience and maybe teach some things' kinda vid#id watch that too#but im just so tired of seeing art youtube going down this need to tell folks 'YOURE DOING IT ALL WRONG. THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY"
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tb2 the spark of my spider-man hyperfixation - not a movie or a comic, but an aerial silk performer at a cheapo circus who was dressed as spider-man shout out to him
#i think about him all the time#could not stop drawing spider-man ever since#the sci files#i love spider-man stunt shows so much you know i saw a spider-man and goblin fight in the coco bongo club in mexico#its the best its so good they did it to darude sandstorm.#i want to see more spider-man themed stunt shows and circus performances#id kill to have seen the spider-man musical. im so upset and theres no justice in the world that i'll never get to see it#has anyone seen any cool spider-man stunt shows or circus performances??? tell me where im on my way
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Speaking of ocs, I have no idea why I deleted this drawing off here. I think I hated it when I finished it, and now I looked back on it and I'm like, this is pretty okay??
#also I hate how you guys have literally sent asks for my oc game(thanks!!!!)#but i still feel this weird 'oh god im being so annoying' ickyness#will i never be freed from the prison which is my own head#im like ah i need to draw ocs more :) its comforting#and then i start drawing them more#and my brain starts clawing itself abt having not drawn any fanart in a bit#tbf i dont really have good ideas for either 😭😭#but thank you guys for supporting my recent endeavors :)#even if i still feel anxious abt it. all your asks have made me feel very soft <3#but yah idk i try to engrain in myself: my blog i do what i want#and then i still get insecure abt being annoying. but you guys dont care :) so i need to stop caring#idk i think people could literally yell at me that im not being annoying and id still have to go lay in the dark +#and have an entire self monolog to myself abt how im a plague upon this world#catie.art.
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Thank you For making me feel alive again For making me believe in myself again For making me have passion again For saving me There's no words out there that can describe how I feel without me sounding cheesy and corny, but you have no idea how much you helped me rediscover myself. I wish there were more times when I could see you. Maybe one day.. we could do it all again Thank you so much for that day of January 8th, 2023 @jampreserves @banyanas
#kleo draws#friends#idk man i just dont know how to express it#its crazy how much this movie helped me#without you id probably never watch it#id probably just disappear somewhere never to be seen again#and even though we dont talk much anymore i still love you lots#i will never stop calling you my friends#i wish we could talk more#but i know my mental issues might come in the way and thats my responsibility to solve them all#you two are one of my closest people since 2019-2020...#i posted this a day early because i just wanted to let it all out#i love you jam and bany <3
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I opened the doc my teacher sent me of her revisions for my persuasive speech and felt the 50000 tons of grief I was ready to have dropped on my head dissipate into the wind like dandelion seeds ... houhughfdsugohdfosughdsofughfdsoughsdfjkghsdfkjghkjdfshgdsfgfdfdsgdfgjdhfugutigherotugher < - what pure relief looks like
#my rambles#im glad. because my eyes were GLUED to the rubric as I was writing it#I haven't done much drawing these last few days#I need to get on it#I wish I managed my time better . when I'm not doing my assignments i'm sitting on my ass thinking about doing my assignments#I could have so much more free time if I stopped procrastinating#I wish id least do something PRODUCTIVE when I'm set on shirking the shit I Need to do#im like.. noo I don't have the time to work on any of my animations or learn music#or finish the second part of my hs comic thats already taken me over a year to make#but I DO have time to sit around and. I don't fucking know what I do but it's never what I need to be doing#sitting and trembling whether it be in the shower or at my desk
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i hope more acotar artists make canon divergent art just to piss off those people that like to get on their high horse and talk nonsense about how it's somehow the artist's fault if people are dense enough to let fanart solely influence their opinions instead of... idk... actually reading the books??
#as if it's the artist's responsibility when ignorant people purposely rewrite canon#if someone wants to know what actually happens READ THE BOOKS#jesus fucking christ. stop being assholes to artists. its not our fault if people misconstrue everything#this is why even if i could draw sjm characters id never ever share them#yall treat artists like dirt. you dont actually care about us#tp
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due to Life Shit I kind of stopped drawing much about a year or two after I graduated high school bc I just kind of didn’t have the time or mental/emotional/physical capacity to fit it in, despite art being something I really want to be a part of my career. It kind of makes me sick to realize how much muscle memory I lost just from that time (I had only about a year and a half total of absolutely no art but that was enough. doesn’t help that during that time I seriously injured my hands) considering I’ve been drawing my entire life. I really wish things had not gone that way and that I could have kept going, but expectations were on me to do something else and any time I sat down to draw was treated as wasting time. There’s also something weird about recovering from severe trauma that kind of adjusts how you engage with a hobby you used as a coping mechanism, which Art very much was. I almost never drew vent art, but I used it to focus on something and make myself happy and proud of work I actually could do, and once I was out of the environments that funneled me into drawing (being forced to go to church, school, anything involving sitting down for a long period of time) I found less time to actually have an excuse. Someone bought me a single college course of art classes right out of high school, and I think that was where I COULD have had the opportunity to really get started if I had actually had the money to continue and the college hadn’t been so far away. After that course ended I didn’t have that excuse anymore. I used to draw in DeviantArt and Discord art groups, but those began to fall apart and soon I didn’t have that option either. After that I doodled but didn’t really create Full Pieces unless some friend asked it of me, and it was never a commission bc I’d never trained myself to get that sort of shit done without taking too long, so I’d always do it for free. So even that wasn’t a big motivator eventually. Now that I’m struggling for work after becoming more physically disabled after COVID, all that time I could have spent honing my art skills so I could do SOMETHING with my art really is weighting down on me. I have the option to do freelance work, illustrations, pet commissions, even things like cards and cookies. I’ve seen these avenues open up for me gradually, but I’ve lost the skills I built up that I need to actually make something I’m proud of. I’ve taken to tracing old art to try and remember my thought process and my “style”… but my memory was bad BEFORE the covid, and it’s worse now, and my brain fog makes it hard to focus even if I could get back on the train of thought. I don’t remember the construction that would be in my mind’s eye. I barely can keep a clear vision in my mind’s eye anymore, worryingly. I never had a crystal clear imagination, it was always sort of abstract, but I could see the lines, I could construct a scene. Now I have to focus hard to get any sort of detail clear in my head. It’s like if you tried to look directly into someone’s face in a dream, or put in a prompt in neural blender. So I have to adjust to performing the entire thought process physically, slowly and tediously trying to figure out what I’m imagining before I can really get started. Those old art tutorials for constructing shapes and bodies and such just aren’t coming naturally anymore so I have to dredge deep into my mind to remember which advice helped “click” the best and knowing it might not do it this second time around. It’s like if you forgot how to ride a bike. It was something natural to you, you could even get started haphazardly and distracted and still be able to tell where you were going and not fall over or trip on yourself, but now it’s like you have to focus on each step and it constantly feels like it’s taking everything you have to not crash. I’m glad I can start drawing again, but it hurts that something so huge in my life has been turned into this. I’ve ranted about it before it’s just easier to notice when you’re not sketching out people’s pets or doing super stylized doodles.
#I didn’t know you could max out a ‘text block’ on tumblr also. my indication to stop LOL#long post#vent#kind of. I’m not like super angsty abt it I’m just sad that I have to spend more time remembering#instead of actually accomplishing anything with my dreams. I’m 26 and there’s 18 year olds living my fucking dream yknow#I know you don’t have a certain age requirement for art but I also know you never stop improving#and being set back before I was even proud enough to set prices for my work is kind of devastating#I just love art. I want to be an animator or something involve with creative concepts.#I want to make things I’m proud of. but what used to come easily now feels like chewing nails#the metal ones not the cartilidge. anyway#I know I’m kind of hard on myself but it’s hard not to be when you’re surrounded by people with such talent#and it feels like you’re running behind when you see people getting to their dreams so much sooner than you.#I know it’ll happen but it hurts sometimes remembering what I used to imagine id be doing at this age#and realizing past me probably had more of a chance at these careers than I do right now bc of brain damage and physical and mental issues#it’s not confirmed if I have brain damage but like. I can tell something is different.#it’s not like they’d be able to diagnose it by now or even that it’d change anything#I just have to keep going and keep trying. it’s just discouraging and frustrating#I wish I could summon all the memories from my brain back up so I could feel happier about my art#I’m happy to have the chance to start drawing again don’t get me wrong. I still like to draw. it’s just.#I can tell the difference between how it was and how it is now and it makes me mourn#ough I wish I still had a therapist lmao. Deb get the fuck back here you traitor.
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i have to drive for like two hours tomorrow and all i can think of is old people
#snap chats#i always call them old but i never think of them when theyre ACTUALLY old....#im lying. kinda. LISTEN I TRY TO THINK OF OLD ARASAWA BUT I JUST THINK OF DIVORCE#if you know me from kh you know two old men being divorced has not stopped me. its fueled me ever. still crying over the novel brb--#BUT I JUST DONT HAVE TOO MUCH MATERIAL. I THINK. my brain puny.#i cant even think of anything to do WITH that tho. like sure i have an idea or two but nothing i think is worth executing#2019 the saddest year for the elderly i just think they should be happy#cant believe arakawa gave jo full custody this is so sad. jo is this what you wanted it should be but--#tbh tho i told myself id do some comm sketches to have them ready for tomorrow#and that as a reward i could draw The Guys but im chillin with my sister and now im distracted#shes doing work and like. every five minutes she keeps saying 'this is bad' she lit just said it as i typed this LMAO#point is bro i need my fix. i just looked through the pixiv tag for them for the like. ninth time#it never updates and most of it's n/s/f/w and/or ads for doujins but still#i take what i can get dawg theyre just so funny to me. im going insane like actually its so bad tonight apparently#ok bye lemme go ACTUALLY work so i can cook my food. so to speak
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my brother n i are so funny i know totk is a one player game but its two players to me link is two guys. and they keep going back and forth talking about "ohh we gotta go to hell tomorrow" "unfortunately this road also goes to hell" "we're going back to the torture labyrinth" "labyrinth again "ohh it goes down" "yeah it goes down" "down again" "back in the dark"
to me the hero of time is now twins who just keep parroting "we gotta go in the dark"
"despite popular belief i don't like going in the dark"
"you could have fooled me, you keep going back"
"many such cases"
#armour clanking#then theres also the shrine stuff with. '(chinscratch) how' 'easy shrine for babies. zonai babies. just (xyz)' 'why are you so smart? stop'#there will never be a sibling dynamic depicted in media that will actually capture. the unending stream of bullshit#that is so funny to me always because i like him :)#totk#i like my brother a lot i like that wd are the same person copypasted . twins born a few years apart. it can happen you have to believe me#if i could actually draw like. the way ppl do those two-protag FE comics id do this you just have to jmagine it#ganondorf vc fuck theres two of them#link one and two huddled around a fire desperately trying to figure out how to make better food. try four blocks of goat butter next . okay#loz
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Ahhhh it feels good to draw
I havent drawn anything in months
#i was near tears the past couple of days cuz ive been sad about not having the energy to make art for months due to work#i stayed home from work today cuz ive been depressed from not making art#thankyou kansas day#you gave me an excuse to draw that had nothing to do with all the projects ive had planned for months that i havent been working#on due to work and stress and no confidence in my abilities despite the fact that i am actually decent at drawing#for someone who rarely practices#like...school had way more shit going on and it was still less stressful for me because i could draw in class#i cant draw at work#i need both my hands for my job#ive tried doing some sketches at lunch but im too stressed trying to keep an eye on the clock to really focus#if im not feeling it at work i cant just stop and draw flowers in the margins of the papers#which i frequently did at school#hell my last semester of chinese class i sat in the corner out of the line of sight of the camera so the teacher#couldnt see me and just spent the whole class drawing in peace#which is probably why i dont remember any chinese#i never thought id miss highschool but here we are
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sorry if you've already mentioned but what (re?)ignited your love of comics/x-men/cherik? curious because there are so many different adaptations of them
i think im gonna speak for a few (or a lot of) people when i say that TL;DR the wolverine x deadpool movie that came out this summer is what pulled me back into comics and i COULD leave it there but i will go into excruciating and unnecessary detail instead because i love an origin story and i love oversharing.
under the cut tho because im nice sometimes (there's also wxdp doodles in here. if you want to see that)
ironically (and probably commonly), growing up i was more of an avengers kid. Kinda. Loosely <- binge watched the cartoons and movies and read copious amounts of comics and fics and i am hoarding fanart in my old dresser as we speak ok 'loosely' is a modest lie.
embarrassingly i remember getting into discus cause of captain america LMAO so yeah needless to say i was a Humble Fan- me joining my school's comic class/club didnt help either (shoutout to my teach from that she was the realest one out there for. A Multitude of reasons). she definitely is was inspires me to even draw still and make comics and i often think bout the tips i learned from her class tbh she was great
back to the movies t and comics tho, i got into em because my brother would offer to take me and that's how we'd hang out (i rarely saw movies in theaters and i even more rarely went anywhere as a teenager. still kinda like that today tbh ooops) and yk. it just snowballed after that.
my brother and i have always liked comics- he just more than me for a while (though he still very much loves comics and As We Know From My Posts we still talk about them whenever i see him To An Exhausting Degree)
durin then i was really into stony and i have a few surviving doodles i made but those are between me and god. and anyone who asks tbh LOL
'snap can you make this related to x-men again this is long' ok so fast forward to This Summer again I Still Don't Really See Movies but my brother offered to take me and this was the first time i'd actually seen an x-men movie in full
as a kid i only remember seeing the 'perfection' scene between erik and raven in first class while i was channel surfing. pretty sure i changed the channel after seeing mystique naked cause i was scared my parents would get mad at me if they caught me watching it LOL
BUT MOVING ON As A Kid i think it's also natural you'll sometimes watch 92 if it's on And I Did though evidently it didn't stick too hard (i do remember really liking beast and gambit though.... still do really): my knowledge of x-men was. INCREDIBLY sparse. like diabolically so so i didnt have too much expectations (aside from the fact i vaguely liked deadpool beforehand).
tbh i dont know why my bro never took me to see any of the x-men movies. it's not like he doesn't Also like x-men (90% sure nightcrawler's his favorite but my brother will be caught dead saying he has absolute favorites like that)- he owns a bitch load of deadpool comics/omnibus sets too (of which ive read over the years and reread this year) but Shrug moving on
Much Like Most Of The Internet i fell down the rabbit hole that way. i have some doodles i made a couple days after seeing WxDP that i now have an excuse to throw at all of you Look And Perceive
and so. As I Do. i got curious and told myself i'd binge watch all the x-men movies the week before i went back to school And Then I Did ft. My Brother Sometimes and then i said i'd binge watch all of '92 and And I Did That ft. My Brother Sometimes But Less So and now we're here. currently watching Evolution...
once i got to school i realized i lived near a comic shop and started getting into the comics that way (the first ones i got since going down this rabbit hole was Magneto Was Right!, The Resurrection of Magneto, and The Trial of Magneto. if you were curious !!!!! clearly i didnt care too much about context i just needed to see My Guy jelvejlkvj i have no regrets and Evidently ive read more since)
i'm pretty sure what dragged me into cherik specifically was the fact i saw a clip of The Famous ending to 92 where erik's aghast at the notion jean even has to question his love for charles. i think that was what officially had me refocus my lens on them: not a single poolverine thought after that LOL (all the cherik posting i saw on twitter definitely helped too but that was the nail in the coffin for any other interests i had: i was locked into cherik and x-men in general now)
that clip specifically, i was surprised at the fact they- frequently even- have the x-men franchise say erik loves charles and vice versa so bluntly. even if it's not meant to be romantic, i fear im just a fan of how casually the word's thrown around with them two and i got tender bout it all. Then Yk. i just live for the drama. the hilarity even. the sincerity .... they make me sick if i think of them too long so im gonna end it here
before i go tho ironically enough, the first x-men issue i owned was This one (story a this is that while stuck in some wacko dimension charles accidentally gets himself trapped in logan's mind while utilizing his astral projection. if you were curious). pretty sure i got it for free with another comic set i got years ago since our old comic shop loved to do that, but it's poetic aint it. maybe ill doodle something referencing it..
i should probably look into finishing this arc someday im Dummy curious to even know how it started and how it ends.....
#snap chats#usually this onea them posts i ramble bout in the tags but i have photos and this is Long long so .. i use the main body for once ...#sorry i gave a biography but i never talk to people and i also love typing. im one of those party can-of-worms i fear#i feel like i could talk about this forever because x-men itself has never been super prominent in my childhood#it was just kinda there in the background BUT comics themselves have always been with me. theyre a keystone to me i think#but yeah. x-men definitely sticks a lot harder than avengers does now OOPS this is not me taking shots i am just SAYING#i have a lot of old marvel doodles tbh .. i found an old deadpool one i remember drawing with my bro during a car ride#kinda funny how much my bro and i bond i dont think of it much but I Guess thats another reason why comics are special to me#we dont bond much- i dont bond with my fam in general tbh we're kinda. Isolated in a way LOL so its cool we're tight at least#if you wanna go deeper bout Comics And My Family my dad really liked comics growing up- more dc tho maybe#apparently he used to draw hulk a lot but if he did those drawings are loooong gone.. at least i know who to blame for me drawing#he loves superman tho. i remember id get embarrassed watching superhero cartoons and superman was on screen when he was around#for some reason i thought id get in trouble if he caught me watching superman but when he did once he was real happy so. tf wrong with me#he loves to say hes superman a lot and id be like Dad... Stop... LMAO but in the cheesiest way possible he do be my hero so. accurate ig#but yeah thats my origin story for why i like comics again thank you for reading if you actually read all that#and sorry it got all sappy Unfortunately i be like that sometimes. i am very emotionally constipated and i over explain a lot#ok i fr gonna end it here im gonna keep going by accident if i thinka any longer and i have stuff i still have to do
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im in a bad mood.
#i say it a lot but i dont know what i like about drawing its just the thing i do. i do LIKE the idea of drawing. sometimes i want to do it#and everything. i spend hours on it. i sit down and spend time on it. it is a hobby of mine. its my creative outlet besides... talking to#myself. and now ai i guess. and on the topic i do feel like im like a fake artist because if i could imagine an image and have it made in#seconds. i would. does that make me not an artist.#i dont enjoy learning. i dont like learning. i dont want to learn things and i dont want to put in effort. does that just#make me a lazy asshole waiting until i can just imagine things and be happy. i dunno#i dont know if i would stop drawing if that was possible. i think im just depressed. as per usual. but i feel bad#and i feel bad that im not drawing so im not getting attention so i feel worse#not that drawing gives me attention. if it wasnt for the part of me that desperately wants to believe that if i just keep trying ill blow u#and people will like me and care about my work id delete my stupid social media accounts. i post here so much and beg beg beg beg beg for#likes to no avail. nobody owes me anything. if i want to succeed i have to try harder. i have to keep trying. it doesnt matter if it never#ever works. if i keep trying ill get something to show for it. if i try hard and like a work maybe one day someone else will like it too#not today. or tommorow. or next year. or the year after that or any decades in my lifetime but one day#i dont even believe i do try that hard. i cant i dont have the energy. makes it easier to blame myself. i used to post every day and did#better. i used to draw fanart and did better. i used to be more social and did better. and i stopped and now i did worse for what. for my#mental health? for my personal want? its not helping#simons spouting
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why is it LITERALLY so hard to make tattoos like LKJDFSAKDFJ im tryna draw and I wish I was an artist like
#no because#making cc has just reinforced the fact that I suck at art in my brain#like oh my god if I could draw?????? id literally never stop#oc after oc#one after the other#no one could stop me
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Not Her Man
Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Childhood friend!Reader
Chapter Synopsis: Feathers fall gracefully slow
Warning: Girlrotting
Word Count: 3193
Part 1 • Part 3
You were always scared to do drugs.
You saw Rafe at his highs, you were with him, keeping him from doing anything stupid like when he was so sure he could backflip from Tanneyhill’s rooftop and land on the grass perfectly.
But you also wondered how difficult it was for him to get clean. To suffer from withdrawals. And as you lie on your fur carpet, staring at the glimmering crystals of your chandelier, with your closet half emptied and scattered all around your room, along with rolling wine bottles on the polished hardwood floor of your bedroom, you think you might have understood just a little.
Blocking him was the hardest thing you have ever done in your life, especially when it was your routine to giggle over whatever interaction you had through text that day. The itch to open his account for any update made you want to bind your hands together.
Your parents are out of the country, busy overseeing their business, forgetting to oversee their daughter. Your maids were there for you, at least they try to be. They bring you food on schedule, even sliding in a few scoops of ice cream every now and then in your room when your sobs start to echo around the halls.
Rafe tried to contact you multiple times. First, through your phone, but you blocked him. Next, he tried to throw pebbles at your window, but your seventy-six year old gardener fired a shotgun at him, thinking that he was a burglar. Next, he tried a different approach, he was sending you gigantic bouquets of your favorite flowers, making the hallway leading to your room look like a wedding set up, the flowers perfumed the entire house too, drawing a concerning amount of bees. One epipen to your chef’s thigh later, Rafe stops sending them.
He never really does anything right. All he does is mess up, create more problems for himself. You almost wanted to give in, but you remind yourself of the things he said. Anger and hurt quickly replaces pity.
A familiar chime of your phone had you groaning. Your friends are probably going to have another attempt of making you step out of your room, like inviting you to have your nails done or shop, just to get your mind off of Rafe.
You just let the ringtone end and you go back to staring at the chandelier, wondering if you’ll be quick enough to get out of the way if it somehow falls. Before you can plan a strategic roll, your phone rings again.
Blindly reaching underneath the scattered pillows, you finally locate the buzzing device. You answer without looking at the caller ID.
“Y/N speaking.” You mumble lazily.
“Hey, girlie.” There goes the high-pitched voice of your friend. “Sooo, the girls and I-hush!” You hear a bunch of girls giggling behind the line and your brows crease together in annoyance. “We’re going on a party tonight and we’re thinking that maybe you’d liketocomewithus?”
You play with the lace of your dress, eyes just following the patterns when you hear your name being called again over the phone.
“I’m not in the mood for parties.”
“You are never in the mood for anything anymore.” She whines behind the line. Her tone prompts you to sit up to pick up the stale wine you left out in the open for too long. Taking a sip and ignoring the thin coat of dust it caught after you ransacked your closet for something that made you look confident, only for you to end up squeezing in the dress that Rafe got you as a present for your 13th birthday. He didn’t pick it out for you, of course, but it still made you all fizzy and bubbly and excited inside.
You put down the wine to scratch at the waistband that is digging on the skin of your under bust, the fabric being stretched beyond its capacity.
“I know.” You tried to sound apologetic. “I just can’t, okay?”
She sighs, making you let out a grateful sigh. There’s still some ceiling viewing you had to get back to.
“I’m picking you up at seven.” She speaks with finality and before you can answer, she continues. “Please don’t let that awful man get the satisfaction of knowing that he has this much effect on you.” You can hear her begging behind the phone. She and the other girls are just looking out for you.
With an unwilling heart, you decide to get on your feet, your socked foot nearly slipping the moment it touches the wooden floor. Cursing, you finally crouch on the piled up clothes you threw earlier.
“Fine, I’ll come.” You roll your eyes. “Dresscode?”
You hear an airy chuckle and you can imagine her pinching your cheeks if you were within her reach. “Party’s open to all, Kooks or Pogues. In the community beach house. You dress however you like. I’ll match your vibe, if you’d like.”
This makes a smile creep on your lips. She’s definitely on the top 10 list of the most annoying people you know but you thank God everyday for a friend like her. “You know I love you, right?”
She snorts before bursting out in a fit of laughter. “Duh. I love you too.”
“See you later.” You grin. “Tell the girls I’m coming too.”
“Sure, see you!”
You hang up and get started on searching for the right outfit. Well, there’s the classic white flowy dresses, but everybody wears them. You could wear a short and a cute top, show some belly? Blech, you’re not exactly in one of your maneater moods. But perhaps if you covered it with that oversized white pinstriped polo, it could work? Yeah, something casual yet put together. It’s not like you’re dressing to impress anybody, or somebody in particular, you’d prioritize comfort over fashion tonight.
A knock on your bedroom door pulls you from your thoughts. With a shrug, you throw your chosen clothes on your bed.
“Coming.” You call while trudging over to open the door. There stood your maid, she was looking anxious, wringing her wrinkly hands. “What is it?”
She glances at your odd choice of clothing before she looks away so as to not make you uncomfortable. “Well, uhm, Sir Cameron is here again, miss. He’s waiting for you downstairs, in the drawing room.”
You press your lips in a firm line. “Tell him I’m not here.”
Your maid smiles apologetically. “He…he saw you in your bedroom window before he came in, miss.”
Huffing, you tap your feet impatiently. “Just tell him I’m busy.”
“He said you’ll say that.” She mutters, amusement in her tone. “And he asked us to tell you that he can wait.”
You close your eyes to keep them from rolling. “Whatever, he can stay as long as he likes, but I’m not coming down to meet him.” You push the door a little wider and your maid’s eyes widen at the state of your room. “I’m sorry, I know you’re busy but can you help me clean up?”
The rest of the afternoon was spent tidying up your room.
It was dark out, a couple of minutes past seven when your phone buzzed. Knowing that it’s your girlfriends, you pick your bag, filled with the usual party necessities and head downstairs. It’s a habit, assigning yourself as the responsible friend who stays sober to look after the others.
You are slipping in the pearl bracelet your grandmother got for you last Christmas when you hear your name being called and in instinct, you turn around.
“Oh, right.” You say with a tone that is drier than the Sahara desert. “You’re here.”
Rafe’s standing just outside your drawing room, his hands falling to his side.
“Yeah.” He spoke awkwardly, his eyes glancing at your outfit, familiarity crossing them before he looked at your eyes again. “I was waiting for you.”
You exhale softly and he just stood there, waiting for your reaction.
“I know.” You say simply. “Gotta go.” You start walking again to your door.
“Wait, Y/N.” He easily catches up. “You’re…you’re coming to the party, right?” He asks hopefully.
“Yes.” You respond without looking at him.
Rafe smiles but it quickly dissipates when he sees a different car waiting for you. “Hold on, I can drive you there.” He says quickly, his hand gripping yours just to get you to listen to him. “I can drive you to the party.” He says in an uncharacteristically sheepish way.
For a second, you look at him, really look at him. His smile grows wide. He missed having your eyes on him. You’re his best friend, and he’s used to doing everything with you by his side. He also liked how dependent you were on him too, always asking for his approval. You have a bit of an overbearing attitude but he would be lying if he’ll say that he doesn’t miss you doting on him too. Perhaps you’re not the only one who’s dependent on this odd friendship you both have.
“No, thank you.” You say before pulling your hand away with a sharp look thrown his way. He watches you walk away to greet your friends. He’s still stuck there, staring, even after the car drives away.
He doesn’t understand it.
You’re the emotional one, why are you doing so well without him? You never go to parties with other people, it was always him that you stick close to. Clinging on him, pulling him to the dance floor when he’s about to do a line of coke, or accidentally knocking his cup when he’s had too much drinks.
Running a hand through his face, Rafe decides to hop on his car and follow you to the party. You’ll be in the same space as him in the next few hours. He’ll get another chance there. He’s certain of it.
He didn’t get the chance.
With you by his side all the time, you memorized his set of activities at parties and you evaded him perfectly. Rafe decided that it was best to stand by the punch table. You’d get thirsty eventually, and he’ll be there waiting if you do.
On the other side of the house, farthest from Rafe, there you sit by the porch swing, admiring the push and pull of the waves. The party was at its climax and everybody was cramped inside the house, dancing and drinking, or doing unholy activities. You don’t know how you managed to slip away from your friends but you’re glad you did. You needed the fresh air.
You’re just starting to get comfortable when a man stumbles out the door. You watch him struggle to keep himself up. He looked lost? Or just flat out drunk. You watch in amusement as he scratches his blonde head, he must be having a whiplash from all the blinding neon lights inside and suddenly his vision switches to the bright light provided by the LEDs.
His feet twist and he starts to fall to the side, your head tilting to follow his fall. You wince when you hear the loud thud of his body hitting the floor, followed by his muffled but loud groaning.
“Motherfu-” He sits on the floor, his legs sprawled out in front of him as he shakes his head like a dog.
“You alright, JJ?” You chuckle.
He whips his head to you, cursing again when his vision spins. “Y/N?” He drawls out while rubbing his eyes. “You saw everything?”
Still laughing, you get up to crouch next to him. “I did.” You smile when he groans out again. “Are you okay?”
He props up a knee and rests an arm there, he looks buzzed, his eyes are heavily lidded as he stares off into the ocean.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He glances at you. “Well, this is a strange sight.”
“What is?” You mumble as you look away from him, deciding to play dumb.
He shrugs animatedly, hands gesturing to you and the entire space of the porch. “Usually, wherever you are, your boyfriend is not that far behind.” He points a thumb behind him. “And if I wasn’t imagining it, I’m pretty sure I just saw him brooding over the drinks.”
You chuckle dryly as you bring your knees to your chest. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
JJ looks at you with an unimpressed face. “That’s all you heard.”
Playfully punching his shoulder, you sigh. “We fought.”
He frowns, back straightening immediately. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?” It’s kind of sweet how your words seemed to have sobered him really quick.
“No! No, he didn’t.” You reply right away. “Well, at least not physically.”
You watch him grimace. “Outside physical fights, I have little to no idea how to respond.”
“That’s okay, JJ. I don’t wanna talk about it, anyway.”
He gives you a boyish grin, as if to reassure you before scratching at his jaw, your eyes mindlessly follow his movements and you see a scratch.
“You’re hurt.” You tell him, pointing at your own jaw.
“Huh?” He touches his jaw and winces. “Ow! Must’ve scratched myself when I…uhm.”
“When you decided to attack the floor.” You finish for him and he clears his throat. “You’ll have to disinfect it.”
“Pfft, it’s fine.” He shakes his head. “It’s just a scratch.”
But you are already grabbing your bag by the swing and you return with a small kit.
“I forgot to bring wipes.” You mumble before crouching down in front of him. He swallows at your close proximity. “Come on, JJ. It’s just antibacterial cream.”
He hesitantly shows you his face and you gently apply the cream, tutting when he dramatically pulls away.
You grab his face and tilt it slightly and JJ squeezes his eyes.
“It fucking stings.” He nearly whines, making you roll your eyes.
“Don’t be a baby!” You huff and he stays still for a second, allowing you to smear the cream evenly and he rolls away from you as soon as you’re done.
JJ was muttering about God knows what while you’re busy putting your stuff away. When you sit next to him again, he’s much calmer, a lazy smile back on his face again.
“Thanks, Y/N.”
You throw him a playful glare. “You’re welcome.”
He touches the scratch and you almost tell him off but he quickly pulls his hand away.
“Why didn’t Cameron make you his girl?”
You blow out a big sigh. “He doesn’t like me.”
“Bullshit.” He laughs but he clears his throat when you look at him unamused. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” You smile at him genuinely before averting your eyes. “I wouldn’t blame him. I mean, you saw how I can be.” You chuckle this time but there’s no humor on JJ’s face, he’s looking at you rather sadly. “I care too much and everybody suffocates around me.”
“I don’t.” He says quickly. “I was just being dramatic earlier.” He rubs his nape. “I’m not used to having people tend to me, I mostly just do it myself.” He seeks your eyes and you finally look at him.
You hear a creak behind you but before you can look, JJ cups your face to keep you from breaking your eye contact, making your breath hitch.
“I liked being taken care of like that.” He whispers and your lips part slightly.
“JJ.” You say breathlessly and he grins, his face leaning dangerously close to you. “You’re drunk.”
He gently bites his bottom lip and you have to look away from his blatant flirting. “I’m sober enough to kiss, I promise.”
This…this isn’t right.
You gently push him away and his lips immediately form a pout. “You’re such a kid, JJ.”
He clicks his tongue and angrily stoops as he glares at the ocean. “You had no idea how long it took me to build the courage to do that.”
“Five minutes?” You jokingly bump his shoulders, making his act break at the edges, a smile threatening to crack on his lips. “Seriously, J, I can’t kiss drunk guys. It’s unethical.”
He mimics you in a childish voice and buries his face on his palms harshly. He turns to you again, with his hair disheveled and sticking to his forehead and red blotches appearing on some areas of his face. “I’m not as drunk as you think I am.” The way he glances at your lips had your throat drying up. “I really wanted to kiss you.” Aside from Rafe, you have little to no experience with the male attention and frankly, you don’t know what to do.
You place a hand on his shoulder and stiffly pat it twice. “You’ll get over it.”
JJ looks at you exasperatedly. “You’re taking this too lightly, this is my feelings we are talking about.”
You stifle a laughter. “Oh, so you have feelings for me.” You raise a brow at him and he nods his head enthusiastically.
“Every guy on this island has a thing for you.” He says animatedly. “If it wasn’t for your bodyguard, we would have made our move long ago.”
You are deeply flattered, you can’t resist the girlish smile from tugging on your lips, your cheeks slowly heating up.
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
He looks deeply offended and places a hand on his chest.
“You’re the ultimate dream girl, stupid!” He dodges a punch from you. “You’re like the total package. You’re sweet, and smart, you’re also very pretty, you can be funny too when you let loose.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you and this pulls a laughter from you, a real, genuine laughter that had your shoulders shaking.
“When are you gonna get serious, J?” Wiping the tears from the corner of your eyes, you get up. “Wait here, I’ll get us a drink.”
He gives you a two finger salute before lying smack down on the floor, with his arms spread out. You shake your head, chuckling when you open the door.
And your hair stands on end.
There stood the very person you have been avoiding the entire night.
But for once, he isn’t wearing a scowl or a condescending cocky smile.
He was looking at you like a man defeated and broken.
“Rafe.” You whisper as you reach for him but you stop yourself before your skin can touch. He looks at your hand and then your eyes. You don’t know if it’s the trick of light but you could have sworn his eyes are glassy.
“Hey, Y/N, everything alright?” JJ calls.
Rafe glances at JJ and then back at you, he nods slowly as he takes a step back. Your heart aches as you watch him take another step away from you but you will yourself not to follow. He runs a hand on his mouth and he turns away from you.
You stare at his back as he leaves, torn between choosing your own pride or running after him. For what seemed like hours, you stood there, frozen. Still lost in the onslaught of emotions that surged through you.
Not Your Girl • His Girl
#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron x y/n#rafe cameron x you#rafe cameron#outer banks#drew starkey x y/n#drew starkey x reader#drew starkey x you#rafe angst#rafe outer banks#rafe imagine#rafe x reader#rafe obx
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