#if anyone has a different opinion i’m open to hearing about it as long as it’s a respectful convo | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

artsymeeshee · 2 months ago

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Hello! I just found your laundry list of art last week, and I have to say…I LOVE IT! Love the instinct comics, Ford being cool never ceases to make me giggle, and I loved the autumn drawing. I’ll admit, that one had me in tears…made be believe in the what-if’s of my own family. What they…could be like someday. Or what I wish they were. Thanks for the tears, they were much needed.

Anyway! This is what I came to message you about! Although,…I am extremely sorry for the late message. I tend to check back into tumblr at…weird hours of the night. Heck, it’s almost the next day as I type this. I seriously need to sleep more. So! I had a few thoughts on Stan and Ford relationship, and I wanted to hear your thoughts on it. Just a disclaimer, I’m kinda basing this off my actual life as I find these characters mirror personal events very closely! I am also a writer and soon to be author! Might post some archive of our own content about these two soon. Also, and this is the most important, I have NOT read book of Bill yet. So plz…no spoilers. Anyway, long introduction aside, let’s begin!

In my personal head cannon of these two, which I don’t imagine is “too” different than how anyone else could see them, Stan and Ford have an extremely awkward and emotional conversation after Weirdmagedon. Why? B/c they’re both, to some degree, emotionally numb. In my opinion, why wouldn’t they? They haven’t spoken to each other in 40 years, properly, and they have repressed a ton of their emotions since then. It’s hard to bring that back up. (Speaking off of experience) I’d say even harder for Ford. Stan, thanks to the twins, has learned to loosen the locks on his heart while Ford kept running away from those emotions to defeat Bill. Just like his ambitions, that was the main priority, and everything else later. To me, this would explain why Ford never bothered to talk to Stan properly since coming back during the show. He wouldn’t know how to. If they were to talk, and this is where the writer in me comes out, I’d write Ford as the one that needs it most. He’s been traveling dimension for decades, running from the past that held him back…but he has no anchor now. Stan becomes that anchor, paralleling what he wasn’t when Ford was lost. And Ford…he just breaks. Like, completely breaks. And Stan is there with him, breaking like he is, but still there for him brother. Finally back after all those years apart. And as someone who has been on the side of neglect from one’s own brother…nothing would be me happier if we went to connect. Just like Stanley and Ford. And eventually, soon to be sailing on the seas to connect even more.

Phew…that was a lot. Sorry for the rambling. Told you I had some ideas! So, what do you think? Do you see Ford acting like this? If not…why? Genuinely, I’d like to know. Anyway, thanks for taking your time to read this. Again, sorry for the ramblings. Oh! One more thing, I know you aren’t taking art request right now, but would you be open to take them in the future? Say in 2 months time? Anyway, bye!

Well first off, thank you! I appreciate it! :D

And to answer your headcanon, I agree on it. Stan is definitely more open to talking, especially thanks to the kids. I mean there's still moments where it's hard and awkward for sure. And Ford would for sure have a harder time opening up, especially with the constant guilt and mistakes that replay over and over. And there's always that lingering feeling of "well, Stan has to hate me for what I've done" and it's always so surprising when Stan tells him differently and he never once hated Ford. Sure, was angry but never hated him. He had too much self-hatred to feel that way with Ford. And as many times as it needs to be said or repeated, it really makes all the difference when they tell each other how much they love and care for each other. As Alex said, "they're both so damaged, they desperately need each other."

As for the requests thing, most likely not. Only because I'm entering the busiest time of year for my work so it's gonna be a miracle if I even have enough energy or motivation for drawing if I'm not completely burnt out.

#ask #water-god19 #long post

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contentloadingandstuff · 8 months ago

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Discovering Your Past - Eula & Keqing x Male!Reader

In which they find out you were abused by your ex.

CW: Mentions of past trauma - physical abuse and SA. Modern AU. A/N: My fics are getting longer recently. I wonder if you guys mind?

Injuries are a natural part of life.

A scraped knee, a concussion, a sprained or broken limb - all creatures will have to endure these hardships one way or another. And, as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Each wound leaves a scar, each fight or accident is a lesson for the future on what to do or avoid.

What about those on the other end? Most feel regret about hurting others, are forced to do it or are convinced of their actions' justified nature. Yet among those are some starkly different cases. People who enjoy causing pain, be it physical or mental. And, undoubtedly, she was one of them.

Fate had it that your heart longed for her. She was a beauty, benign and friendly, whose charms worked on you without fail. She pushed, she pulled, slowly dragging you into her web. Your mind was too clouded with feelings to notice just how badly she trapped you. Like a spider she wrapped you in silky touches and words of affection like in a cocoon, and you were completely oblivious to your situation. And that she was - an apex predator, an effortless liar and natural manipulator. She stoked the flames of family conflicts, estranging you from your loved ones. Friends? She gave you a simple choice - it's me or them. You were coaxed into signing off your house under her name, as she encouraged you to do with many of your belongings, until you had nothing. Time and time again she pulled your strings through your heart, backing you into a corner. Alone. Unable to escape. Without anyone to turn to, anywhere to get away.

When your eyes opened at last, nobody was there to hear you scream.

Years. It took you two whole years to escape her clutches, two years of cruelty hidden behind a veil of love. With only the clothes on your back and some Mora in your pocket, you set off to another nation. There, you found a new home, and a new love. Sweet, caring and warm.

But wounds of the past cannot be hidden forever.

You push the door behind you, closing it with an accidently loud thud. Eula kicks off her high heels and enters the hall, placing down her bag and taking her jacket off. You put yours on the hanger and move to take hers, but she sends you a sharp look and walks past you, doing it herself.

The silence is tense. You know what you did.

“Honey, listen. I know I shouldn't have started that discussion-” You try to speak, but she turns around and cuts you off.

“Yes, you shouldn't have.”

Her eyes send daggers towards you. Your heart aches at the sight of your lover so full of anger, all because of you. Her family wasn't easy to interact with. Her choice of career made her the pariah of the line, but after she married you, the relations seemingly normalized enough to make them liveable. Seemingly.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have. I mustn't do that ever again. I promise I won't.” You raise your open hands, as if showing you're unarmed. What was supposed to calm her down just irritates her.

She scoffs and approaches you. “I say you are an intelligent man, but times like these are when I doubt it. What's so hard to understand in ‘my family isn't normal and the less you interact with them the better’?”

She's right. Eula has told you time and time again that the opinions her father, mother, grandparents, uncles and aunts hold are final. Nothing will change them, they won't ever back down. They are egomaniacal with a tendency to bring those around them down to elevate themselves. And yet, there's something drawing you to them, something natural that tells you that they can be a source of warmth.

Because that's how things are supposed to be. A family should love each other, be united and supportive instead of polarized and hateful. Something in your soul doesn't seem to understand that you can't find any support in her side of the family.

“I know, Eula. I try to-”

“Then your ‘trying’ is not enough!” Her voice elevates further. There is something building in your chest. The pressure crawls from your heart up through your throat, rotting itself inside your neck. A choking feeling.

“Y/N, you shouldn't talk to them! Never, ever. You know how it ends, don't you? They bring you down, they hurt and belittle you. And you know that, don't you?”

Her eyes are narrowed. She speaks louder now, her words coming from a place of compassion and love rather than hostility. Your mind, however, is focused on something else.

Something familiar.

Her tone picks up, and so does your heartbeat. She's almost screaming now.

“Sorry, dear, but are you masochistic? Or just stupid?! I will have vengeance!”

Your hyper focused eyes spot movement. Her hand goes upwards, your chest sinking. Body stiffening, you turn your head down and sideways, exposing your cheek.

Just as she taught you.

Fighting back was pointless.

You deserve it.

You hold your breath.

Silence.

The blow doesn't connect. You hear the sounds of a barefoot step. You crack your eyes open. You see Eula has taken a step back, her eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. She blinks a few times and pulls her hand back towards her body.

“Not t-that kind of vengeance.” Eula barely mumbles the words out in pure confusion. She shakes her head in disbelief, her gaze leaving you and dropping to the floor. “Never. I w-would never-”

You spring back to life, as if a grave threat or danger just vanished.

“No no no, it's alright, honey. I just got a little scared of you, haha. It's fine, really!” You smile sheepishly, shame crawling under your skin. On reflex or out of habit, you rub your cheek. “Maybe I really am stupid, for being scared and all, you know?”

She takes a slow step closer. Her voice is far quieter than mere seconds ago, now down from a scream to a whisper.

“No. Don't call yourself that. My… My emotions got the better of me, honey. I’m sorry.” Eula’s voice composes, worry furrowing her brow as she stretches out her arm towards you, this time taking care to do it slowly. “May I…?”

You smile and nod, letting the palm of her hand connect to your cheek. Her touch is gentle, fingers tracing your skin with utmost care.

Your skin is so soft, so smooth, familiar. Her heart clenches, her mind holding no doubt about your reaction. You are not someone easily scared, nor are you particularly fearful of harm. Something, somebody…

“Who was it?” Her hand trails down smoothly, coming to rest on your shoulder. “Who hurt you?”

You shake your head. “What? What do you mean? Nobody, I’m fine-”

“I said…” She huffs and crosses her arms over her chest. “... who hurt you?”

At an instant, the thoughts in your mind already form into a rebuttal, a measly attempt to cover the truth. But you know better than that. Eula isn't that stupid.

You sigh, trying to figure out what to say. Seeing your hesitation, she places both of her arms on your shoulders, her eyes focusing on yours. Within her beautiful irises fading from deep purple to light yellow you find a steadiness worthy of a captain, but also a lover.

“You don't have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable, honey.” She speaks softly, stroking your skin in calming circles. “I just need to know if justice has been served, or some additional, very particular and very severe vengeance needs to be added to my to-do list.”

“My ex-girlfriend is… She’s no longer a threat, alright?” You close the distance between you and Eula and embrace her. Your lover secures her arms around you right away, providing you with just the comfort you seek. “I just don’t want to go back to those days. They’re over and I just want to focus on you… On somebody that actually loves me. Somebody that doesn’t scream at me for no reason, belittles and insults me, and…”

Your voice trails off. Images and sensations rush through your memory. Every insult, every impact weighs on your voice, trapping it beneath the torrent of nightmarish memories. Eua squeezes you tighter.

“Shh. Don’t think about it now, sweetie. You're here, safe in my arms. I promise to be your shield. However…”

Eula's characteristic pout forms on her face.

“For not telling me about this, I will have vengeance.”

“That was a little shameful for me-” She cuts you off.

“Silence. My retribution is nigh. For your transgression, I shall cuddle you and feed you ice cream while subjecting you to the terror of your favorite movie.” She narrows her eyes theatrically before gently, but firmly grabbing a hold of your wrist. “You cannot escape now.”

You smile in horror.

The screen flashes with a jump scare as a curtain is moved aside. A disfigured monstrosity covered in black goo and rags opens its jaw to reveal a set of sharp, but surprisingly pristine teeth.

“Brains!” Its voice is clearly augmented in some way, deep and a little echoing.

The punk screams at this sight but before he can do anything, the zombie grabs his head with its skeletal hands and bites down. The rest of the group squeals. The man's head is cracked open like an egg, filling the undead's mouth with fake blood and flesh-like props.

“Oh my…” Keqing can't help but gasp a little, her arms tightening around your chest slightly. “That's a lot of jaw force…”

As the zombie digs into the man's brain, a joke comes to your mind.

“He's not going to extract a lot of brain from him, is he?”

In response, Keqing chuckles a little. “Yeah. But at least he is also quite brave. If not for him, that girl would have been the meal instead.”

“True, true.”

The movie continues. The female lead escapes the locker she was trapped in moments ago as her friend is being devoured. Another character throws an empty bucket of paint at the creature, making it fall back, before raising up and exclaiming joyously:

“More brains!”

The kids scream and run away. Keqing, as much as she finds the movie interesting, can't help but recall one scene in particular.

A smirk settles on her delicate features. “So… How's the movie? Do you like it?”

You nod vigorously. “Of course! It's a classic that I wanted to watch for a long time now, but never got around to that. And I can confidently say that I regret not watching it earlier. It's a lot of fun.”

Keqing hums in understanding. Her fingers, one of them brandishing a beautiful and intricate golden ring, slowly move up onto your leg.

“Did you enjoy any scene in particular, honey?” Your eyes follow her hand as it moves up, each finger making a slow, deliberate step.

Just a glance at her slight blush and sly smirk is enough to make you catch on, making your cheeks heat up as well. You gulp.

“Well…” You start, but Keqing places a finger on your lips, silencing you.

“Aw, sweetie~ I know full well how you were eyeing that girl. Your thoughts were betrayed by much more than just your stare.”

Her hands move up, sliding underneath your shirt and caressing your exposed chest. You feel her desire through her movements, careful, seductive, yet impatient at the same time. A little shiver of excitement crawls through your body.

“Honestly, Y/N, I can't blame you. That redhead was quite a beauty, after all. ”

Her hands clench over your body as she rolls to sit on your lap, her eyes, twinkling with desire, pointed right at you. Keqing sends you a wink. Your hands settle on her buttocks.

“But you see, my dear, you got me just a little too jealous to resist showing this handsome guy which girl his attention should be on~” Her hands shift to meet yours, fingers wrapping around your wrists. “So relax and let me have the spotlight~”

Your eyes widen as she hoists your arms off her and pins them to the wall above your head. You try to struggle away, but her grip is iron thanks to the additional strength provided by her Vision. An attempt to release your body from underneath hers fails as well. You're nervous - this never happened before.

“Keqing, you're-” You start to say, but are interrupted by her right hand locking onto your throat.

Your hands clench, eyes growing wide. You choke, any words of protest dying in your restricted windpipe. You look at Keqing, who smiles mischievously, completely oblivious to your discomfort.

“What did I say? Bad boy!” She uses her other hand to pry yours off her choking arm. You relent, shocked and increasingly scared at her sudden roughness. “Now stay still, or you'll regret it~”

Tears form in your eyes as she leans and begins kissing and licking your cheek, adding small bites here and there. You close your eyes, not wanting to see what happens next. The feeling of her genuine affection recalls different images in your mind. The past and the present melt into one in your mind.

As you lay helpless, Keqing continues loving you until her tongue hits an unusual note of salt on your skin. She pulls back and, upon seeing you crying, lets go of you right away. Her hands go to cover her mouth in an expression of pure horror.

“I’m sorry! I’m… Oh Gods, I didn't mean to-!”

You squirm away and, in response, Keqing jumps off of you. She reaches towards you, but ultimately stops herself. Shame, guilt and sadness light up her face, hidden behind her small hands.

You wipe your eyes with your sleeve. By now your senses have returned. Her reaction brought you back at an instant. You get up and approach her.

“Keqing, I'm sorry, nothing-”

You're interrupted as she dashes past you. You can only call out to her as she runs to the bathroom and slams the door behind her. The sound of a lock turning halts your movements.

You sigh and drop back down on the couch. The movie is still playing. Your ears pick up the sounds of soft sobbing from behind the bathroom doors. The heart tells you to get up, to talk to her, to knock down the door if need be, but the brain speaks with reason. She needs time, and you know it. It's better to let her calm down on her own. If you were to approach her now, she likely wouldn't speak to you, let alone open the door.

Tears return to the corners of your eyes. Your heart aches at the sound of her pain. You can tell what she's thinking. That she's awful, dangerous, creepy, abusive. That it's all her fault.

But the truth? She's not the problem. You are.

The TV's noise irritates you. You turn it off and throw the remote across the room. Your head falls into your hands.

How could you have done this to her?

Why can't you just let go?

Why are you so weak?

A shaky sentence manages to make its way out of your lips.

“It's all my fault.”

—

Deafening silence was all that filled the following hour when her crying died down. You went through every possibility of what would happen when the bathroom door would open. You planned what to tell her and how, you anticipated all of her possible reactions. You knew you couldn't fail again. You couldn't leave her in the dark and risk another incident like this.

She shouldn't suffer because of me, you thought. It was your obligation to be transparent with your wife. Not like you weren't dying to apologize, to comfort her, to let her know it isn't her fault. But you were patient.

When the door finally opened, Keqing looked abysmal. Her make-up was completely gone, first made running with tears, then washed away along with them. Her hair was a mess, not a trace of her usual prim and proper style left. Her eyes were red and barely open.

You spoke gently. You hugged her, asking for a chance to explain yourself. She nodded wordlessly and you sat with her by the table. There, you told her everything. You told Keqing about your previous partner and about exactly what you suffered at her hands. Your wife was very quiet, but still nodded every now and then. From the shakiness of her voice when she spoke the few words in your conversation, you could tell she was stopping herself from bursting into tears again. Nonetheless, you continued until the story was told.

“As such, Keqing, my wife, my love, the sun to my moon, none of what happened is your fault.” You continue, following the script you prepared in your mind. “It was my weakness and my inability to move on that caused all of this in the first place. For that, I’m… sorry. I truly am.”

She nods. Her eyes are focused on her hands, fingers fiddling with each other. Keqing slowly lifts her eyes to meet yours. You spot tears gathering on her features.

“Why… I don't understand…” She starts, but upon realizing her instability, she sniffles and swallows the sadness weighing on her chest. “Why would you ever say that you're weak?”

You sigh. “I should have moved on by now, but instead, I kept it with myself and now it hurt you as well. It is my pain and thus my responsibility to handle it.”

“No, n-no that's… How… How could someone such as you be weak?” She shakes her head. “You survived so much. So much pain, so much fear, so much hurt… And yet here you are, Y/N. Not only trusting another woman, a woman whom you not only married, but also allowed into your bed. I can't imagine myself doing something like that so quickly. You've moved on, honey. You regained the strength to trust and to love again. How can this be called anything but strong?”

You open your mouth to challenge her on this, but she acts first.

Keqing breaches the gap between you and falls into your arms. Her body wraps around yours, holding onto you tightly. One of her hands travels to your cheek.

“Y/N, you're strong. For having endured it, for having moved on, trusted again.”

You drop your gaze. Perhaps she is right. Keqing gently lifts your cheek to direct your attention back at her. She smiles, her tearful eyes shining with boundless affection.

“You're the strongest man I've ever known.”

Thanks for reading!

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literatureloverx · 4 months ago

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Now i'm curious (from how you considered dazai's openness around chuuya "debatable") about how you consider chuuya and dazai's dynamic? I'm not presuming you think their connection isn't important or anything, or that you think dazai doesn't trust chuuya, but i'm interested in how you think dazai's openness around chuuya is debatable. I'm 50/50 on it too tbh, so maybe your analysis can give more insight :D

Sure, dear, let’s dive into it.❤️ This has become a grand analysis + my comments lmao. I hope you enjoy it!❤️

🩵~~~🩵~~~🩵

First of all, it’s important to note that I personally classify Dazai and Chuuya’s relationship as truly meaningful and admirable—but not in a romantic way.

I want to be clear that I don’t see their dynamic as romantic, which is where I differ from many Dazai x Chuuya shippers. This is exactly why this post will be very, VERY long.

Asagiri himself said that he understands where the Dazai x Chuuya ships are coming from and he definitely gets it, but he won’t make the ship canon because he doesn’t want to dishonour/disrespect the original authors.

So it is indeed very kind of the illustrators and the studio to still provide the fandom with “fan service material,” which is on one hand very thoughtful and kind, but on the other hand fuels toxic shippers and feeds their theories, which they accept as absolute facts. (I suppose they make much money from it no matter what they do, so why would they care, right?)

I’m not trying to demoralize anyone or diminish their character shipping preferences. Everyone is entitled to ship whoever they want, and I don’t want this post to come across as a hate post.

However, I don’t view these dynamics (or any ship in BSD) through rose-colored glasses but rather in a more realistic light.

Many ship blogs tend to romanticize nearly anything that fits their perception (and while I often understand where they’re coming from, I find their interpretations naive compared to other logical explanations), but I want to approach this from a perspective that stays as realistic and logical as possible.

So, I kindly ask those who are sensitive about their own opinions and perceptions to consider skipping this post, as I don’t intend to hurt anyone’s feelings.

A small reminder: you’re allowed to have your ship and preferences, but please don’t act like they are canon or the ultimate truth, or hate on those who don’t share your opinions. This is truly rude and disrespectful.

Wow, that intro was long, but it needed to be said. Now, let’s dive into it:

🩵~~~🩵~~~🩵

If we brush off the fan-service material of the scenes in Dead Apple (which we still don’t know if it is canon, and those specific scenes aren’t even incorporated into the light novel, I hear? I’m not sure about it, though; I haven’t read the light novel), what remains?

In my humble opinion, there is a great understanding between the two of them on a humane level, but their dynamic is double-edged.

So why did I consider Dazai’s openness around Chuuya "debatable"?

It starts with Dazai’s perspective. I once saw someone write (sadly, I have no idea where; sorry, I’m not good with past experiences and memories) that “Fyodor understands Dazai but doesn’t get him, and Chuuya gets Dazai but doesn’t understand him.”

I believe this thesis to be entirely true. The problem is that while Chuuya gets Dazai but doesn’t understand him, Dazai gets and understands Chuuya very well.

Let us move over to the 15 manga, if I recall correctly (lmao).

There was a scene where Dazai was ready to sacrifice a whole city just for Chuuya to find out his truth about humanity because it was bothering him on such a deep level.

Dazai could understand his feelings very well because he himself is also struggling with his own humanity.

Their dynamic is so meaningful because they are like two halves of an apple.

Dazai struggles with his humanity because he doesn’t feel human (the true reason behind it remains still unclear), but he is physically human.

Chuuya struggles with his humanity because he is physically inhuman, but he is still human with every fibre of his being.

I believe Dazai can see that as well, which leads him to believe that Chuuya is the most humane person he’s ever known.

This is entirely true. Chuuya embodies almost every aspect of a human so perfectly—with visible flaws (he is so gorgeous to me), emotions, impulses… (this aspect could be a whole other post, but I need to stick to the main point right now).

Does it matter that he is physically inhuman?

No, of course not. What truly matters is the inner persona of someone.

That is the exact aspect Dazai is struggling with. He feels empty, he feels inhuman because he lacks all those aspects Chuuya brims with.

I personally see admiration on Dazai’s part because Chuuya embodies the things he lacks perfectly.

We either admire people who are able to do or have the things we cannot, or we’re simply jealous or hateful. In Dazai’s case, he admires Chuuya; he is flabbergasted.

But wait… hate? How does this manifest in Dazai?

Remember how he said that he’s been trying to find a way to kill Chuuya for the past 7 years?

Well, first of all, I don’t believe he genuinely wants Chuuya dead. However, this statement could indeed be true (with Dazai, you never know if it is), because Chuuya embodies everything he is not.

He might have found solace in simply the imagination of getting rid of him, not truly trying to make it a reality. Because we all know—if Dazai wanted to, he would have.

The reason why he doesn’t want Chuuya truly dead? Well, isn’t it obvious? I believe from the bottom of my heart that he cherishes Chuuya. But not in a romantic way, because in the canon context, there is really no evidence of that.

You can find so many clues that suggest their bond is deep, heartfelt, and close. It is so beautiful, truly. Their bond is one of my personal favorites of all BSD relationships.

But the romantic side of it? There truly is none.

This is the common problem here. Just because their bond is very meaningful and deep, people find every opportunity and reason to make a romantic relationship out of those things because we sadly live in a world where meaningful relationships are not appreciated at all but simply put in a box called “romantic & sexual tension” (there speaks the INFJ). Most relationships are multifaceted, people.

However, I’m babbling too much. Let’s dive into Chuuya’s perspective:

Chuuya seems to be more aggressive towards Dazai, clearly and often declaring that he “hates” him. Does he now?

No. I don’t believe that he does.

I believe that he sees through Dazai’s antics and his void of self, which makes me think that he is rather feeling bad for him (compassionately). I know that Chuuya doesn’t seem to be the most empathetic person in all Bungo Stray Dogs universe, but I believe that he actually is quite empathetic; he just doesn’t show it much.

He tolerates Dazai’s unsettling aspects most of the time, even though he is short-tempered.

Speaking of him being short-tempered, this side of him shines even brighter at Dazai’s side. He is much calmer and composed around others.

I believe that this is: first, because he trusts Dazai that he has everything in control so that he can act more freely; second, that Dazai knows exactly how to push him into irritation, which makes him aggressive quite rashly.

I said this before when I described Chuuya’s ideal type, and I’ll say it again: Chuuya doesn’t hate Dazai, but rather the challenges he provides that unsettle him deeply.

Now, I’d like to point out another example: Remember when Chuuya hit Dazai, and Dazai said to him that it hurt and he is only a human too? Chuuya answers coldly, “no one would believe that” (again the 15 manga, I believe?).

This is the solace Dazai seeks from Chuuya. He helps Chuuya to see that he is indeed human and expects the same in return from him, which Chuuya doesn’t provide.

Chuuya, someone Dazai sees as the picture-perfect human, denies him his own humanity. That must hurt really, really bad.

This is exactly what I mean with “Chuuya gets Dazai but doesn’t understand him, while Dazai gets and understands Chuuya.”

Chuuya is unable to provide Dazai with solace because he is so fixed on his worry about the other people dying and struggling that he is unable to see that he hurts Dazai.

Which is ironic because not seeing what is in front of him is again, very Chuuya-like and very humane, after all.

We’re human; we may be impulsive, we make mistakes, we might hurt our friends and families.

And Dazai again is looming in shadows, lying almost dead on the sofa without a care how many people will die, which is again, very inhuman.

So, let me bring in another aspect:

Why did Dazai install a bomb in Chuuya’s car before he left the Port Mafia?

I believe it was his coping mechanism, as always. His cheerful, uncaring attitude he wears like a mask, his desperate attempt to show Chuuya he would’ve loved to get rid of him, but sadly he was lucky—once again. That stupid slug.

Chuuya is someone who Dazai cherishes, maybe not as much as Odasaku or even Atsushi, but he cares deeply for him. (This is initially why I thought that Dazai has a heart of gold, because he is able to cherish so many people so very deeply, and he himself isn’t even really aware of it, which is adorable to me.)

I read somewhere that those two are soulmates, and I believe that to be true also, but as I already said—not in a romantic or sexual way.

Remember when I said that I adore soulmate connections, not only the romantic ones but also the platonic ones? The relationship between Dazai and Chuuya seems to be exactly that to me. I love them and I love them as a duo as well.

So, as an addition, I’d like to speak about their unwavering trust in each other, which is one of the main aspects of their relationship and dynamic. Dazai trusts Chuuya because he knows that Chuuya understands his trust and has already plotted the entire situation with no errors whatsoever. Chuuya needs to play his part in order for Dazai’s plan to work out as intended.

The reason Dazai trusts Chuuya is quite simple: Chuuya is a truly trustworthy person. To work as partners, they need to establish a strong sense of trust, which plays out perfectly. They are both able to forget their quarrels and focus on the job at hand, making them unstoppable together. Chuuya is known for his loyalty; it is his most prominent personality trait. That is why Dazai trusts him so much, knowing that Chuuya also trusts him because he understands that Dazai never fails.

To Chuuya, Dazai is nothing short of a genius—a very strange one, that much is sure. He is well aware that Dazai is depressed and lacks many of the qualities Chuuya possesses naturally, but he doesn’t really judge him for it, as seen in his high tolerance for Dazai’s antics and childish manner.

In summary, their bond is truly admirable, deep, and very important. Please don’t diminish it by confining their relationship to a box of sexual and romantic feelings in a canon sense, as this simply cheapens their dynamic.

Create your ships, write your fanfictions, but please don’t be rude to others who don’t share your perspectives. It’s absolutely fine to disagree with my opinion and interpretation, but please be respectful to me and my dear followers.❤️

Reminder: Chuuya calls Dazai “Dazai”, just like the ADA members, which is his surname. This suggests distance. Dazai calls Chuuya not “Nakahara” which also would be his surname, but “Chuuya”, his given name, which suggests that he might disrespect Chuuya or not take him seriously, since Chuuya is actually older than Dazai. I’m not sure what to think about this fact, so I wanted to mention it but I had no idea what analysis I can make out of this.

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scekrex · 6 months ago

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Soooo since I'm in an angsty mood and in need for something to cry over...

I was reading some ff today and there was that one addiction to it that I instantly thought could happen with Reader.

So hear me out....hanahaki disease, but maybe with a happy ending??

The reader thought that love could not hurt, he never has been in a serious relationship and when he got to heaven Adam had him falling in the instant, they quickly became friends, the reader was happy, he could be near his object of feelings. It started as a cough, nothing serious, it'll pass as they said. But it didn't stop, it got worse and worse the more he waited scared to tell Adam something and when it got serious, when he started coughing petals, he finally realised what was happening to him. Even then, he didn't say anything, maybe it wasn't fear of rejection, but fear that Adam will think about him differently, because of that stupidly painful disease... The reader wasn't coming out anymore, Adam started to get worried and decided to visit his best friend. That's how he found out, the reader left a note for later when he'll die again, but since Adam came too early... Adam was running in a reader's house trying to find him

And that's it

Omg I love this soooo much, I enjoyed writing it on a different level

I’m lying to myself until it’s true

pairing: Adam x male!reader

warnings: language, hurt/no comfort

note: not beta read bc fuck you

When Heaven’s gates opened for you and Adam was the first one to greet you with a lazy, “Sup,” while slurping a drink, you simply knew that this man would cause you a lot of thinking. Because Adam was careless in the most affectionate way you could imagine, he carried himself confidently, with pride. He looked so holy, so pure and absolutely attractive, no matter what it was that he was doing, you found yourself starring. And given the fact that Adam had been the one to greet you and show you the ropes, the both of you grew quite close rather quickly. Adam was an open book, he made his opinions on certain topics clear, he stood in for himself and he talked a lot about himself. A thing that would have bothered you if Adam would’ve been anyone else, but it was Adam, he was interesting - the most interesting angel in heaven, at least in your opinion. And he was spending time with you simply because he liked your vibe and your company. The first man could’ve had anyone, no matter who, and yet he chose you.

The brunette was the most attractive being you ever met and it felt so easy and natural to simply adore him, he was so honest and talkative, so funny and sometimes bitchy but you liked that, you liked it a lot. And while the first man did not know about your feelings for him, you were simply happy to be near him. There was no need for Adam to love you back, as long as he would give you his attention you were happy with the situation.

That was until you got sick.

It started with a cough, nothing too serious, something that would leave again soon enough. Adam commented on it, the ‘simple cough’ got worse and worse as the days passed by and it got worse enough for the brunette to notice. Not that he hadn’t noticed it before, he had, but he simply never addressed it, the leader of the exorcists thought you were responsible enough to look for a doctor. But you weren’t and that was what made Adam worry, not that he’d ever voice those feelings out loud, but he deeply cared about you in his own Adam-ish way.

And while you were okay with how things were, you also craved to simply let him know about your feelings, you hoped things would be easier. Maybe he would return your feelings and he wouldn’t play guitar with the strings of your heart every time he told you about a new hook-up. But that would mean you’d also have to tell him about how serious the state of your sickness had gotten. The coughing had only been the start of it all and while Adam very much had noticed that your sickness was not simply disappearing like you had claimed it would, he didn’t know how bad it actually was.

“That’s it, bitch,” he grumbled as he picked you up and threw you over his shoulder. That action of his caused you to cough violently, you were barely able to catch your breath as you did so until small but colorful flower petals fell from your lips. Adam wasn’t able to see them, not with the small petals falling behind him, but you saw them and your eyes widened in shock.

No, that simply couldn’t be.

You started, your body was shaking, it felt incredibly hard to breathe and your mind was going absolutely crazy. A layer of sweat covered your skin as you desperately tried to get out of Adam’s grip and off his shoulder, you needed space. It felt like his arm, which was wrapped around your body to prevent you from falling, was crushing your lungs and while the logical part of your brain knew that wasn’t the case, the emotional part of your brain strongly disagreed and yelled at you to get away from Adam, to distance yourself as far as possible. He was slowly going to kill you.

It was the brunette’s voice that brought you back to reality a second later, “You’ve been sick for fucking how long? Don’t care, long enough. And since your prideful ass is too fucking busy blowing his own dick, I’m gonna fucking take you to the doc.” Your nails dug into Adam’s shoulder and your body tensed up at his words, the first man hissed painfully and softly slapped the back of your thigh, “Watch it, that fucking hurts.” But you were unable to relax, not when Adam was about to carry you through all of Heaven just to get you to the best doctor he knew of. “Let me down,” you whispered, your voice sounded rough from all the coughing and for a moment Adam seemed to actually consider listening to you, but then his grip only tightened and you watched with shocked eyes how he spread his wings.

“Adam, let me down,” you tried it again, speaking louder this time, it only resulted in coughing though, which was why he didn’t put you down, he did the exact opposite. The first man’s grip on you tightened and he shook his head, “There’s no fucking way, don’t want you to fucking die on me.” And that caused you to freeze. He didn’t want you to die and yet he would be the reason why you would die for a second time. You weren’t blaming him for not loving you back, it wasn’t his fault after all. Emotions and feelings are not something he can control, especially feelings like love for a certain person. And yet the unrequited love you held in your heart for the first man was what would end your life a second time. “Then drop me off at my place.”

Adam seemed to consider your words, then pushed himself off the ground which forced another cough to rumble through your body. Flower petals fell from your lips once more, they were bigger this time though, and not just a little. “Fine. But if you’re not doing better by tomorrow I will fucking drag your ass to the doc, if you fucking want or not.” And while the answer itself caused you to relax at least the slightest bit, it really didn’t make things any better.

Adam had not seen you the next day though, he hadn’t seen or heard from you in quite a while which was very concerning because somehow you were always around the taller male, no matter what he was doing - not that he minded, he didn’t mind your company at all. He liked having you around a lot and he wanted you to cling onto him again. And since you were not answering the door, responding to his texts or picking up his calls he decided to take things into his own hands, he went over to Zack’s house. Adam knew that Zack was one of your closest friends, he somehow always managed to know where you were at and what you were doing, surely he’d know where to find you.

But when the brunette arrived at Zack’s place, the other male wordlessly looked him up and down, then went back inside, closing the door right in front of Adam. The first man was about to complain but then the smaller male came back. With a serious look on Adam’s face he pressed a small piece of paper against the first man’s chest, then he slammed his door shut - this time he didn’t come back out again. So Adam took off, as he made his way over to your place instead he read the note Zack had given him - though it was more a letter than a note.

Dear Adam,

if you read this it means you went and talked to Zack, I hope he didn’t give you a hard time, knowing him he probably didn’t even speak to you. And knowing you, you're probably wondering why. Well, it’s pretty simple actually. I’m dead. I wrote this to let you know about some things that were going on before I died though, I feel like you deserve to know but first of all I wanna apologize. Apologize for not talking to you, for not telling you face to face what was going on. There’s no real excuse for this - I was scared.

So it’s not a secret that I was sick and while you thought it was just a simple cough, maybe a flue, it was worse and much more serious and yet I never did anything to prevent my death simply because I was scared you’d think of me differently, because I was so afraid you’d push me away and I’d have to die, knowing you hate my guts.

I loved you - still do. And that is the entire problem. Before I passed away a second time I suffered from the hanahaki disease. It was just coughing at first, pretty harmless, huh? But it got worse as the days went on and soon I started to cough out flower petals - not so harmless anymore. It got hard to swallow, to breathe, to eat and drink. I gave this letter to Zack during his last visit, I told him that I wanna go like I came - alone. I’m sorry you had to find out about all of this in a shitty letter that’s not even long enough to cover everything but I hope you understand why I did what I did.

Love, Y/N

Adam choked on his spit, then he started running. His mind was filled with you, pictures of you laying dead in your apartment filled his head and his vision went blurry because of the tears that welled up in his eyes. He was so caught up in his thoughts of you that he didn’t even think to use his wings.

Once he had reached your apartment, he kicked the front door open and ran inside - something he should’ve done sooner, way, way sooner. But he could blame himself for that later, now he had to focus on you. He screamed your name, his voice sounded as broken, his eyes were filled with tears which made it hard to see anything. You weren’t answering - how would you be able to?

And then he finally found you. You were laying on the couch, struggling to breathe. His eyes widened and he rushed over to your fighting body. Without hesitation he pulled you in his arms, looking down at you. Tears fell from his eyes onto your face and the wetness caused you to open your eyes.

You were still alive.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel adam #adam x male reader #male reader #adam x y/n #adam x reader #adam x you

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panic-flavored · 4 months ago

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I keep imagining some robotnik superior showing up unexpectedly in his lab and being like "🤨...Wait there are three mermai... *stone kills him*

I plan on writing a fic about this eventually, but I've been short on time lately 😭 Long story short, Robotnik moves Stone to an underwater lab he's been building to save him from being un-alived by the government, and at roughly the same time they find out Stone is pregnant. So fortunately the merfamily is totally safe! Here's a blurb from the WIP of that fic, since it probably won't be posted for a while:

---

The words echo off the lifeless conference room walls and rattle around unpleasantly in Robotnik’s brain. They are not words Robotnik wants to hear, and if he’s being honest, some time ago he’d forgotten that he’d ever have to hear them in the first place.

“Doctor?” Commander Walters offers Robotnik an appropriately concerned frown. “Did you hear me?”

Robotnik clears his throat, refocusing. “No, uh- no. I must have spaced out. Say that one more time for me.” He heard him loud and clear, of course, but he wants to pick through it one more time, see if there are any loopholes or contradictions he can take advantage of to be found in the words.

“Oh, sure… I understand, I’m sure you’ve been working around the clock lately.” Commander Walters says. “I said that if you’ve acquired all the data you can from the living specimen, it’s time to turn him over to the autopsy team. It’s still your project of course, so you can be as involved as you’d like to be going forward. But after six months of research, I think it’s safe to say we can–” here, Walters does that annoying rotating motion with both of his pointer fingers, “--wrap it up.”

Robotnik feels a little bit sick. Furious, mostly, but the sour heaviness in his guts is close to making him gag. Has it been six months already? Back then, this plan didn’t bother Robotnik in the slightest. When he first stormed into the biology lab to assert himself as the project leader, he didn’t care how injured and malnourished Stone was - Stone wasn’t Stone back then, he was the ‘specimen’. Robotnik hadn’t chewed out the pitiful scientists over their subpar treatment of Stone because he’d worried about Stone’s safety, it was because they’d compromised the scientific process. There was no sense in researching a living subject if that subject was too weak and sick to move, after all.

Obviously Robotnik’s opinion had changed rather quickly. He’d been told that the ‘merman’ wasn’t intelligent, wasn’t sentient. That he was mindless and violent. Fools. Almost as soon as Robotnik dismissed the rest of the team, it became apparent none of that was true. Stone quickly proved himself to be highly intelligent, learning ASL almost as fast as Robotnik once had. He was complex, loyal, and terribly interesting. He saw the world so differently than anyone Robotnik had ever met.

This is a very wordy way of saying that Robotnik fell in love, even if he hated framing it in such a simplistic, childish way.

Stone fell first, to be fair. He’d marked Robotnik, he claimed him, they were mates and now Robotnik is hearing another person say that Stone needs to be killed and torn open soon. It all seems so surreal.

“You can’t just put a time limit on science, Commander,” Robotnik says icily. “Six months is nothing. I haven’t even had ample time to study his metabolic rate yet, it’s vastly different from a humans–” “Six months was your estimation, not mine,” Walters counters. “When you took over the project, that was your projected timeframe.”

Robotnik inwardly kicks himself. He originally gave himself six months to ensure he had a comfortable cushion of time, but he’d been positive four months is all it would take to collect all the necessary data before passing Stone off to another team.

“Well if it hadn’t taken two months for the creature to fully recover from what those amateurs did to it before I arrived, I would have been done by now!” Robotnik growls. It hadn’t taken two months for Stone to recover, but it seemed a believable amount of time to a person who isn’t personally familiar with how quickly merpeople heal. “Why do you think I’ve been ‘working around the clock’, Commander? Making up for lost time!”

Walters frowns in consideration, rubbing a knuckle thoughtfully against his stubbly chin. “Ah yes, I remember reading about that in your initial reports. I hadn’t considered how much that may have set you back. In that case, I’ll give you another two months to finish your research, Doctor. Does that sound fair?”

It takes Robotnik less than a second to run the numbers, the estimations and impromptu simulations - yes, he could certainly finish his work in two months. Not the work Walters was expecting him to finish, obviously. Something much, much more important. “Two months sounds more than fair, Commander.”

#fic #reply #stobotnik merman au #stobotnik

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rebelrayne · 5 months ago

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Hi there 🩷

What are we thinking about the likely reveal that Hamish and Melissa have shagged? Personally I’m pretty sure it has to be them. Because why else would he have been so pressed about her leaving? And the weird things he said?

Ngl I’m a bit nervous about this. I won’t give a fuck and snap him up as soon as I can anyway but still… I wanna hear your theory 👀

Hi Rae!!!

Settle in, babe. Just call me Marisol because I'm about to psychoanalyze this manchild that I am so fucking desperate for. I've got all the opinions under the cut lmfao and it's A LOT of opinions (and a really long headcanon)

Let me know what grade I get on my thesis paper

First let's go back to the scene of the crime: Season 6. Hamish tells us that he has dated someone seriously and it was a girl he'd met back in University. I suppose he does not specify that they were in college at the time that they dated, rather that was where they met. We'll still assume it couldn't have been long after that.

Why is that important? Well, Hamish admits that he's cheated in two different places: in Season 6 during the Judge and Jury challenge, and then once in Season 9 where he says to Finn: "Haven't we all?"

But this is actually contradicting the one of the two times this man has ever seemed human in a group setting: at breakfast when he admits that his girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend. He was upset, and he looked it. Sure, this could have been Ivy but most likely, it wasn't. It was the first girl and she ripped him apart. I think we all know that Ivy probably got fed up with him because he's kind of fragile and needs someone really patient, and Ivy needs someone very self-assured.

No, this other girl ruined him. Ripped his heart from his chest and stomped on it. The man accidentally admitted he was a virgin until almost 25! So either, this girl was using him to get to said best friend that she cheated on him with, or he did get sex from her out but only because she was tricking him. Not to mention, either way, he got his V card swiped out of pity, I'm sure.

What's this all mean? It means that Hamish is putting up a front. He's trying to make it seem like he's this big party dude, with tons of friends and game. He's rejecting girls left and right, they all want him and so yeah, of course he's cheating-everyone wants a piece of him, right?

Wrong. No one wants him. He's literally the wacky sidekick of the main male character in every romance movie. He's fucking Alan in the Hangover. This man has never cheated on anyone because he's the most insecure man he knows and has ever met. He's trying to make himself seem like he's something he isn't, trying to make others believe that he's just such a player and he doesn't catch feelings-he's too cool for that kind of thing.

Well, until he isn't. The issue with Hamish now is that he wants to keep this façade going. It worked for him in Season 6, didn't it? That's why he was invited back in the first place. He clings to the first girl he couples with, but the thing is, he's messy. He's never had this many girls actually show interest in him. Hell, the only date he had outside of Ivy since the S6 season stood him up.

This man is literally trying to be like his best friend. That guy gets all the girls, doesn't he? He has them chasing after him, pining for him and he's confident as hell about it. Hamish isn't being his true authentic self. He's pretending to be like his best friend, who stole his girlfriend, so that other people think he's cooler than he actually is.

Because let's be honest: Hamish is soooo uncool. Funny, sure, but cool? No.

So to answer the question you have: Did he have sex with Melissa?

No. My very first instinct was that Hamish didn't take a chance. He's been starting to have feelings and he's been too scared to let himself open up because look what happened last time he did? He's stuck because women don't normally pay him any attention but here he's got Natasha, Kat, Melissa and MC all chatting to him. He kind of likes Melissa and MC, too. He has a connection, but he's too scared to just say that.

Melissa leaving-that was a wakeup call because what if MC is next? What if he does what he's always done since his girlfriend fucked his best friend and he doesn't put himself out there? Will he be sad and lonely for the rest of his life?

The answer was yes, so that's why he opened up on the date. "I have a crush on you." because he does. It's going to take more to make him be okay with being vulnerable, he needs someone to be patient with him. He's had this front up for so long that he doesn't know how to take it down.

Not to mention that because Hamish never gets any girls, he's screaming it to everyone when he does. He hasn't been very shy about his affections in challenges, either. Remember Grace? He started to slip up that they'd hooked up. He can't keep a secret at all. Why would he keep it a secret if they had sex? MC would have been the first to know. Hamish might know every bit of tea in that Villa, but he is always talking to MC about it when he has any to spill because he does like her, and he does want to connect with her.

Plus look at his friends!!! He said he was only 15 minutes away from them and kept making wrong turns, yet he wasn't found in that dune for three hours? They weren't looking for him. This guy is essentially Tom 2.0 but in the way that he actually doesn't have friends that like him that much. He's trying to be something he isn't and that's kind of sad to me. I think we're going to continue to see more and more layers. He's way more complex than we thought he was.

TLDR: Hamish is a liar. He's uncool and never cheated but thinks he sounds cooler to everyone if he says he did because he has soooo many girls that want him. Melissa didn't fuck Hamish, he wouldn't be able to keep it quiet if he had.

#litg #litg all stars #litg hamish #litg season 9 #litg s9 #one of the things i have in common with hamish wow thank you everyone

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demonqueenart · 5 months ago

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Thank you for answering, I really appreciate it <3 I remember when people were speaking up about these issues a few years ago and many people in the phandom either shut them down or ignored them, and while I’m sure there’s still a lot of that going on even now, I’m really glad that we’ve reached a far more open and understanding point where it’s okay to talk about this stuff now. You and blogs like yours are doing a really good job putting yourselves out there, and we really are striving for a more inclusive community, because we all deserve it!!

Per the subtitle thing, I did some more research and went back to their recent videos, and it seems that while the majority of them do have proper subtitles, I think DnP don’t tend to upload their videos with proper subtitles on them at first, and instead do the subs afterwards and then add them when they’re finished, because the most recent video still has auto-generated subs on it.

While I am thankful that they do put on proper subs, since far too many YouTubers (some even bigger than them) don’t even bother, I believe they should make sure that the subs are there when they upload their videos; since I usually wait a few days to watch new videos, I didn’t notice the time-gap between auto-generated and proper subtitles, so that was my mistake! I appreciate their captioning, but D/deaf people, HoH people and people with sensory processing issues shouldn’t have to wait for accessibility, so I do think they have the capacity to do better in that regards. I’m not an expert on how captioning works on YouTube, so I don’t know how long it takes for captions to be made, but overall I think there’s definitely room for improvement.

That’s my opinion, though, as someone who uses subtitles, but obviously someone else may see this completely differently!

Absolutely! People should be able to enjoy an upload right then! I imagine it’s disheartening that someone would have to wait for a subtitle to be in a video while others have already watched and geeked about the whole thing. That must have made people feel excluded from this community in some way. I hope they’ll hire professionals for subtitles in the future, or find other ways to make people able to enjoy an upload right then! (It’s still very nice of them to use subtitles in their video early on tho. I think it’s something that people can overlook so easily, I’m glad this is not what they do :) )

Also, if anyone wants to share their pov about this, I would love to hear them. The more pov, the better!

[ID/ a banner with light blue sparkly background; the disability pride flag slides in from the left and darker blue text pops in reading "Make some noise for Disability Pride Month!!" /end ID]

Banner by dapg-otmebytheballs

Auto-message: This ask’s purpose is to acknowledge dnp’s past/present exclusivity, not to cancel them! But to embrace mistakes that they’ve made so that 1. we won’t exclude people in need in this community, and 2. we can normalize bringing up exclusivity so that improvement can happen. Hopefully this will one day help dnp realize that this is a safe space for them to talk about their mistakes, so that this space can become safe for people of all kinds too <3

*If you don’t understand what is happening, scroll through my blog for context. And I’ll be taking time to answer my asks, so don’t think I’m ignoring youuu*

#Dan howell #Phil lester #dan and phil #terrible influence tour #phan #phandom #inclusive

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cal-daisies-and-briars · 3 months ago

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🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸

Damn! 162!

SPOILERS AHEAD

---

Consciousness returns to Buck like something slippery and elusive. An eel under murky water. Every time he thinks he’s got a grasp on it, it manages to get away from him.

His memory of the time between passing out in the backseat of Maddie’s car and firmly feeling lucid again is fragile. He knows he did wake a handful of times. Knows people spoke to him. Though their words always sounded like gibberish. He knows he was burning hot, then freezing cold. He knows he was nauseated and parched and in horrendous amounts of pain. But, when he finally has a hold on his mind again, Buck can’t say exactly what has happened to him.

He isn’t sure he’s a vampire. Though he remembers that was a risk. Even before he opens his eyes, he’s thinking about it. How would he know? Does one feel vampiric? He just feels gross. Heavy and foggy and sore in several places. Thirsty. Very thirsty. But for water. He manages to wiggle his tongue - which feels like lead in his mouth - enough to touch the bottom line of his upper canines. They feel normal.

Buck cracks his eyes open. They’re dry and crusted with sleep. Immediately, the blare of overhead lighting has him regretting his choices. He remembers this sensation. There’s only one place he could be. The hospital.

“Buck?”

No offense to Sophia, who he loves dearly, but hers was not the voice he was most hoping to hear.

“Soph?” He rasps. His throat is horrifically dry.

He turns his head to see her sitting by his bedside. She looks tired. She’s wearing a hoodie and jeans. Not what she’d been wearing when he saw her last.

“You seem actually awake this time,” she observes.

“Think I am,” he agrees, but he can’t be certain. “What day is it?”

“Friday,” she informs him.

Oh fuck. He confronted Kim Tuesday night. Yikes. That’s a long time to be out.

Buck looks at himself. Moving his neck too much causes a painful twinge in his shoulder. Probably from the stab wound. He’s got a cast on his left forearm. He can feel bandages scratching at his abdomen and neck. Okay. So he’s rather fucked up.

“Eddie?” Buck asks.

“At home,” Sophia answers. “We didn’t want him here for long. In case anyone wrongly suspected he was the one who did this to you.”

Oh. Buck hadn’t even thought of that outcome.

“He’s going crazy having to keep away though,” Sophia adds.

“Maddie?” Buck asks.

His sister who is rightly furious with him.

“We just switched off,” Sophia says. “She had to go home to her kid. Or, as she said - annoyed, mind you - her other kid.”

Oof.

“She’s really mad?”

“Mad and worried,” Sophia answers. “Like me.”

“I’m sorry I worried you, Soph,” Buck says. “Really.”

“But not that you did it?”

“Had to try.”

Sophia takes a deep breath. “Alright. I’ll forgive you and I’ll call for a doctor and I’ll text everyone that you’re okay, but… But I need to know one thing first.”

“Okay,” Buck replies. “What is it?”

When Sophia speaks again, her voice is very low. Almost too quiet amidst the noise of hospital machines. She doesn’t want anyone to overhear.

“Why didn’t you include me, Buck? We would have had a far better shot together. You might not have gotten hurt at all.”

Or they both would have.

But he gets it. He understands her anger. He would feel the exact same way, if she’d done what he did. They spent so long operating as an airtight team. Trusting only each other. Buck excluded her when, in her opinion, it mattered most. Yeah, he’d be livid, too.

“I didn’t want to make you a murderer,” Buck admits.

Sophia furrows her brows. She doesn’t understand.

“We were always ready to kill before,” she says. “We both took the same risks.”

“It’s different,” Buck insists. “That was only ever out of necessity. Dangerous vampires, who weren’t in control. Kim is just a regular person with a life.”

“She hurt you and Eddie!” Sophia hisses.

“I know,” Buck says. That’s how he justified it, too. “And I hunted her like… Like the very thing we hate, Soph.”

She closes her mouth. He can tell she’s biting the inside of her cheek.

“I didn’t want you to be that,” Buck says.

“I would have, for my brother,” Sophia protests.

“I know that,” Buck replies. Of course he knows that. That’s why he didn’t tell her. “But Eddie isn’t the only person I want to protect.”

Sophia’s breath hitches at that. Her eyes are a little teary.

“Fuck,” she complains.

“I’m sorry, Sophia.” Buck says.

“You should be,” she grumbles. “But I love you too, or whatever.”

Buck smiles weakly. “Thanks for not hating me.”

She rolls her eyes.

“Now, can you tell me what the hell happened to me?”

💧💧💧

Sophia can’t explain it to him easily, so she calls for the doctor. Which is definitely concerning, to say the least.

But when the doctor arrives to talk to Buck about his condition, he finds it’s surprisingly… Good? Other than a fractured wrist, and some flesh wounds that will need to heal - and probably require some physio, for his shoulder - he’s more or less okay. He’s not a vampire. He’s not even sick anymore. Apparently he has been quite fevered and ill, he just can’t remember any of it.

“You were indeed exposed to Hemodhampirosis,” the doctor explains. “We monitored your blood closely over the past three days. Somehow, Mr. Buckley, you fought the infection off.”

“That’s… Sorry, what?” Buck asks. “I didn’t know that was an option.”

“Frankly, neither did we.” The doctor replies. “And if the CDC does, it has not been shared with us.”

“I don’t understand,” Buck admits.

Why him? Of all the people who have been infected. Eddie. May. Why would he be able to fight it off?

“Well, our best guess is that you have, in a slow and painful way, inoculated yourself,” the doctor explains. “Your records state you’ve been hospitalized for a severe bite once before. Likewise, your sister-in-law here explained that there has been another instance of you being bitten by an infected individual. So that makes three occurrences where you came in contact with Hemodhampirosis.”

Sister-in-law? When did that happen?

“Uh,” Buck replies sheepishly. “Yeah, there’s been more than that. Recently.”

#daisies and briars writes #long death fic

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endversewinchester · 3 months ago

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I'm curious about your take on Julian's opinion that Legend doesn't love him.

Say no more anon!

Well to put it simply, Julian is wrong. There are quite a few moments in the story that break from what he believes here to be true (which doesn't mean he's not entitled to his POV).

Let's start at the very beginning, when Dante became magical and immortal. If he lost his love for his brother he wouldn't have offered to turn him or any of the Caraval crew ageless, nor would he have kept them around. We are talking about a man with half the power of every single Fate. He doesn't need anyone to put on a show.

That doesn't mean he can't get caught up in his magic, and in fact it does have the kickback of turning him into a villain the more he plays one. Which is what ended up happening.

The next moment we know of that I can bring up to you is after Rosa died due to Dante's actions. Scarlett has access to that memory through Aiko's journal. Let's see what it says:

"The three women turned as a young man trudged by at the very rear of the procession. His dark hair was not so long and his hands contained no ink from tattoos—no rose for Rosa—but Scarlett recognized him right away. Dante. Just then, Dante’s head cocked in Scarlett’s direction. But his wounded eyes did not fall on her. They roamed the crowd as if hunting. Searching through the thickening curtain of black flower petals. A soft puddle of them formed around Scarlett’s feet, and several petals covered Dante’s eyes as he walked past her. The flowers blinded him from seeing the one person whom Scarlett imagined he’d been looking for, a young man in a velvet-rimmed top hat only a few paces from where she stood."

If he didn't love Julian it wouldn't matter that his brother was upset with him. He wouldn't be hurt, as was the word Stephanie used.

After that they make up, and get matching tattoos to seal that promise. Again, not something he would do if he didn't love his brother and wasn't seeking his forgiveness.

"Then he ripped open the buttons of his shirt. They skittered across the ground as he arched back and stepped away, just enough for the torchlight to reveal what Scarlett had thought was a scar above his heart. But it wasn’t. Fainter than year-old memories, a tattoo in white ink curled near the top of his ribs. A rose.

“It’s a different color, but I’m sure you’ve seen this on Dante,” said Julian"

The next few moments I didn't reach yet on my re-read, so I won't be very specific. But I'll list them out for you:

Refusing to allow Julian to rescue Scarlett with the excuse that if he died he wouldn't come back.

Taking Julian's advice about letting Tella go seriously.

Sacrificed himself to save his brother from the Fallen Star. Risking being trapped for eternity on that account.

Okay, so I established Dante loves Julian. Why does Julian feel it's not true?

Because his brother shuts him out.

Dante is the bastard, unwanted kid of a terrible man. He grew up rough and unloved, and clearly learned to internalize his feelings. We see this in Legendary, when Julian asks him how he feels about Tella and he immediately shuts him out.

“Find her sister.” Dante again. “Get her into Tella’s room at the palace. I don’t want her to wake up alone.”

A pause followed, extended in a way that made Tella fear her hearing had failed her until Julian’s voice broke the quiet. “You really care about her?”

Another pause.

“I care about finding those cards, and she’s our best hope for it, brother.”

I'll bet it was like this their whole lives, because Julian says his brother never loved anyone. Added to him being immortal, Julian has no reason to believe otherwise. So that is why he tells Tella what he does.

So there you go, anon. That's my POV here.

#caraval #caraval series #dante santos #julian santos #stephanie garber

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alexanderlightweight · 1 year ago

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Omg could we get another part of maybe I’m the villain ? I love your writing!!

This is named ‘maybe I’m the villain’ because saeth said that magnus is delighted by the idea of being one of those villains with a pretty, soft cat on his lap.

thank you! ^_^ i hpe you enjoy!

lumine

— Alexander is shaking under his touch and he’s betrayed his own nature just by his response to Magnus’ own testing rumble.

Perhaps someone without the right knowledge would see Alexander’s large, silken ears and lush, thick tail and think his other form to be nothing other than to be a well-bred, competent housecat, but Magnus knows better.

Alexander is a born predator.

It’s just too bad that compared to Magnus, he is still only prey.

“These hunters the clave sent to me, do you know them personally?” Magnus asks and his voice is casual even as he releases Alec’s ears and summons a drink, his free hand falling to Alexander’s thigh.

“No.”

Magnus rewards the instant honesty with his talons kneading Alexander’s leather clad muscles.

“Do you trust them to listen to you in the field, little shadowhunter?”

Alexander hesitates and then shakes his head.

“If you can’t trust them to follow your orders in the field, then why should I trust them to obey my laws?” Magnus asks and Alexander bites his own lip, using pain to force away the instant answer that undoubtedly would have set him against the clave, verbally at least. Magnus decides to be generous, feeling content with the weight of Alexander on his lap and how soft his ears were under Magnus’ fingertips and claws.

“I will allow them entry—” Magnus decides finally, “but their presence will be tolerated only for so long as you remain where you are. The moment you leave my lap, Alexander, their permission is rescinded and their presence will be a deceleration of war. While I may allow you some leeway in regards to the rest of demands, this one matter is non-negotiable or our deal ends here.”

“The clave expects me to lead them.”

“The clave expected you to negotiate with me.” Magnus cuts in, not about to play these little games when they both know better. “If they can’t be guaranteed to follow your orders then there is no guarantee they will protect you. If you die, kitten, then what is to stop them from claiming ignorance to whatever you and I agree on?”

— Alec knows Bane isn’t wrong.

That’s the thing.

He’s completely accurate in a way that would horrify the clave, simply because it means that Bane is much smart and better informed than they give him credit for. Which, in Alec’s opinion, is stupidity, hubris and hypocrisy at the finest.

If warlocks are the biggest threat as the clave says — and out of all downworlders and even more so than seelies, they are — then they should be taken seriously at all times and respected as the actual threat they are.

However Bane isn’t aware of all of the information — first, that this is being used more as a scare tactic and less of a warning and second, that the clave wants him alive to breed — and Alec is loath to share that information with anyone, but especially Bane.

“I agree.”

Alec’s murmured vow seals between them like a barbed arrow hooking into his heart.

“Are these shadowhunters as competent as yours?” Bane asks and Alec can barely understand him through the strength of the vow, but even he can hear the compliment in Bane’s tone. “Even I’ve noticed the difference in efficiency and talent in New York since you’ve taken charge.”

The praise is nearly too much with the vow still open and pulsing between them and Alec has to do something.

His hands reach out without permission and tangle in Bane’s open shirt and his thoughts swim as he tries to answer, to be honest, to be good, to earn more of the thick, honeyed words that slide down his spine like molten heat.

“No.”

—

Alexander scoffs the word, listless as he blinks and tries to contain himself.

His ears are twitching languidly and his tail has slowly been curling closer as he himself settles more comfortably and heavily into Magnus’ lap. His fingers are long and calloused as they brush Magnus’ chest, seemingly unaware that he’s broken free the last three buttons of Magnus’ shirt.

“They’re Idris hunters.”

Magnus is told quietly, but no less judgmentally and that, Alexander seems to think, is enough of an explanation and perhaps it is.

“Then I can’t trust them not to die on my territory.” Magnus says with a sigh, “and that is a tedious amount of paperwork, kitten. Even as charming as you are.”

It’s not the truth, not really, but Magnus is ever hungry for more and he will take every bit that he can from Alexander. The praise — little as it was — seems to drape itself across Alexander and his tail curls around Magnus’ wrist delicately.

“A little death, in return for each that I have to deal with because of incompetence.”

Charmingly, Alexander seems to have no understanding of what Magnus means and Magnus is met with confusion.

“You want me to kill for you?” He asks, cautiously but not upset by the idea and Magnus wants to know who taught Alexander to so readily step into the role of a weapon.

“I want a far different pleasure than true death, kitten.” Magnus murmurs and he spreads his thighs just enough that Alexander falls closer to him and Magnus can shift his hips up to make his point clear. “For each death I suffer the tedium of paperwork for, you’ll pay me back with my pleasure.”

Pure shock followed by want and hesitation pour across Alexander’s face and Magnus croons deep in his chest even as he viciously yanks on the open vow between them.

“Agreed.”

It’s more of a whisper than anything but Magnus lets it go because Alexander is breathless from the weight of the vow as six promises ties themselves to him, waiting to be called.

“Good boy,” Magnus murmurs absently, pretending he wasn’t waiting to see the way Alexander reacted. To catalog how he shakes at the praise and surrenders more to Magnus.

“Allowing so many nephilim through my wards while still keeping them up is not how I intended on expending my energy tonight. Especially when there is no time frame for how long they'll take.” Magnus makes it an idle remark, instead of carefully calculated and he takes a sip of his drink and enjoys the feeling of Alexander’s tail unconsciously tightening on his wrist.

“Do you need my energy?” Alexander is quiet, sides still shaking even as his brow furrows and he tries to figure out how to get ahead of Magnus this time.

As absolutely tempting of an offer as it is, that will be saved for another time.

Tonight, Magnus wants to play.

#lumine writes #writing wednesday #writing wednesdays #maybe i'm the villain #shadowhunters #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec

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theflyindutchwoman · 1 year ago

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Given recent discussions in the fandom and because I’m curious to hear others’ opinion… would you want to see a Chenford breakup next season?

All right, let me start with my usual disclaimer : this is only my opinion and it has no more (or less) value than anyone else's. And this isn't meant as a personal attack either, regardless of which side of the equation you're in. I actually enjoyed reading other people's takes on this, particularly the ones who want a breakup, to see their perspective on the subject. It was truly interesting (no sarcasm).

To answer your question, dear Anon, no, I don't want a breakup. Mainly because I feel that so many shows go there, so I'm more interested in seeing Tim and Lucy navigate the ups and downs together.

One thing that attracted me to their relationship was their ability to talk to each other about everything and anything. How, despite their differences and their rocky start, they could always confide in each other… Be extremely vulnerable. And that is what I would love to see going forward. How this shorthand they've developed by working together can translate into their personal relationship. Don't get me wrong, just because they are usually good at communicating doesn't mean that it is perfect. It's not. Even before they became a couple. There are some cracks that became more and more visible as the season progressed. The theme of 'honesty' was their main thread in 5b. The storylines involving Sava & Jake or Isabel served to highlight that aspect. To emphasise how lies, deceit and miscommunication can destroy a relationship. Now it could be used as a foreshadowing… Or it could be used as a warning. Tim and Lucy already have a much stronger relationship, so I choose to believe that this could be a learning experience for them. Learn from other people's mistakes, learn from your past (in Tim's case).

Right now, those moments of dishonesty revolves around one common theme : work. Tim taking a desk job without consulting Lucy first… Lucy doing the five-player trade behind his back… Him trying to lie at first that he wasn't bored out of his mind… Her not saying anything about Primm (as far as we know)… Him not wanting to open up about his fears regarding undercover… Those are starting to pile up and they're going to need to address it. The sooner, the better. Particularly the undercover talk. This has been a long time coming. It's clear that Tim is terrified but doesn't want to burden Lucy with this. And she can sense it. That last scene in 5.21 was (for me) a step in the right direction where they started voicing their concerns. It's nowhere near sufficient. But they stopped avoiding that topic altogether. Like I said, they can be great at communicating… But they can also be their own worst enemies. They're both selfless when it comes to the other… they're both used to do things a certain way. And now, they need to learn how to do these things together. To talk about these moments that may seem insignificant to them but isn't to the other. To stop making decisions for the other. This is quite new to them : as we've seen in the past, they didn't truly open up to their boyfriends/girlfriends. That's something they are going to have to learn together. And that's okay : this is part of the journey of being in a relationship.

Another reason why I don't want to see that is related to the characters' growth. The thing is, I actually could picture Tim breaking up with Lucy because there is a pattern here. If he got it into his head that he is holding Lucy back, an idea already planted by Noah in 5.16, then yes, it wouldn't be out of character for him to break up, thinking it's the right thing to do for Lucy. Which is not that dissimilar to what he did in 5.02 : sure, they weren't together, but it still felt like a separation. Especially since the end of that scene mirrored so well another one from 1.12… when he decided to divorce Isabel. And if you remember, that was pretty much for that very same reason : he was afraid that being with him would only remind her of her time as an addict and bring her down. So he did what he thought would help her the most and decided to divorce her. So breaking that pattern would be a tremendous character development for Tim (in my opinion). Then, there's the fact that this is something they knew would be coming up at some point. This isn't a new obstacle. The episode before they got together had Lucy go undercover. And Tim, even more so than her, knew what he was getting into when he told her that it was worth the risk. He may not have explicitly said it but the implication that she was worth fighting for was right there. So breaking up for something that they could foresee kind of negates those words. And it would play right into Lucy's insecurities. She was so hesitant because she didn't want to lose what they have. She is finally letting go of the fears that prevented her before from fully committing to a relationship… Her certainty in them is absolutely amazing. So breaking up now would hurt her so much. (I focused mostly on Tim here because I struggle to see a reason for Lucy to break up. At least, not if this is related to her career, be it undercover work or her promotion).

Now, that's not to say that it can't be executed in a beautiful way. Sometimes breaking up can help strengthen a relationship, as odd as it might seem. Sometimes it gets too much and taking a step back can offer a new perspective and a fresh start on healthier grounds. Just like sticking in a relationship at all costs can be very damaging and toxic. I mean, take a look at Lucy and Tim in their last respective relationships… They stayed well past the expiration date. But I, personally, would rather see them work this out together. See them 'fight' and argue, like they've done in the past… that very same thing they didn't do with Ashley and Chris. See them all vulnerable with each other, like they've also done in the past. I honestly think the writers could pull off the angst and drama with this storyline, without having to resort to a breakup. But again, that's only my preference :)

#ask & ye shall receive #the rookie #chenford #lucy chen #tim bradford

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thotsforvillainrights · 2 years ago

Text

~Kai is Clingier than Usual~

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

-He’s been behaving weird lately. Perhaps no one else had noticed more than you at first, but as time went on it became more apparent. He spent less time focusing on the task at hand and more time trailing behind you. Even when he was in his own office for the day, tending to the Hassaikai, he took more time than usual to text you or to even call you. On his days of rest instead of moving about his own path, he actively sought you out. At first you’ll admit it was rather lovely having the germaphobe suddenly attached at the hip with you. However, it became a little more troublesome than you’d like to admit.

-You didn’t have enough space to do chores or to focus on your hobbies like usual. Chisaki was always there, sitting silently by your side or sometimes attempting to keep up conversation you could clearly see he wasn’t used to doing. He would tuck his head right into the side of your neck and peer over your shoulder to keep a watchful eye on whatever you were doing. At night he seemed to have gotten even worse.

-His arms were like a trap you couldn’t shake yourself from. He comforted himself at night by tightly wrapping them around you, leaving barely enough room to breath and not nearly enough room for you to avoid being sweaty. He would usually wake up and complain about the night sweat but he remains content on the very next day.

-As long as he can be near you.

-It had gotten to the point where you’d practically snuck away from Kai just to find the patriarch of the group. You confided in Pops rarely but the old man didn’t care either way. He loved and adored his time with you. That’s why when you quickly entered the tea room and locked the door behind you, the old man immediately placed his attention on you with a warm smile plastered upon his kind face. “Y/N, to what do I owe the honor of my precious in-law visiting me today?” He chuckled as you quickly took a seat in front of him. “Pops, I’m sorry to say but I think your son has lost his mind here lately.” The old man pauses for only a moment before chuckling. “Please tell me something I don’t know!” He teases but you brush it off.

-You take time to explain Chisaki’s behavior to Pops, unaware of the listening ear from the other side of the door. By the time your conversation ends (and Pops reassures you that Chisaki is not sick), that listening ear is long gone. You feel much better after having a little time alone even if it was spent chatting with Pops. When you make it to the bedroom you’re solemnly greeted by Kai. Alarm bells ring in your head when you notice his somber disposition. It only takes a second to meet him at his side on the bed. You explain how you’ve been feeling but he also takes a second to open up as well (something rare for the man indeed).

-”Apologies...I’ve felt lately like maybe I haven’t been the best at giving you attention. I was listening to Chrono speaking with mimic just the other day. He mentioned something along the lines of our differences, allowing me to feel as though I must be pushing you away. I should’ve killed those two for talking about you behind your back, but when they brought me up, I just had to stop and think about things. Foolish I know but...I worry sometimes. I worry that I just might not be giving you enough, angel.” You start to understand fairly quickly why he’s been acting like this now. “Kai forget about what them or anyone has to say about us. You know people are going to have their opinions regardless of who it is. Besides, they were probably just joking around like usual anyway! You are just enough for me. You’ll always be enough for me. Stop worrying about how you think you need to act around me and start loving me in your own way. Besides, all the clinginess was starting to drive me insane anyway.” You tease him lightly and he smiles.

-”I’m glad to hear you say that...now please keep your disgusting night sweat off of me tonight...” You laugh at him. “Just make sure you keep those death trap arms on your own side of the bed.”

#happy birthday chisaki #kai chisaki #overhaul #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #shie hassaikai #Headcanon

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whoredmode · 5 months ago

Text

On Johnny and Anteros

like i was saying. i’ve been working on something.

There's something inside Johnny and Anteros’ dynamic that has plagued me for the longest time, an element of their relationship that I just haven’t been able to put into words. It, to an extent, can be said of Anteros and his dynamics with other men from SR1 (Dex and Troy), but the key difference here is that Johnny and Anteros never develop any sort of romantic feelings for each other. That, despite everything, the love itself is rooted in friendship. Perhaps something almost fraternal. This feeling being the expression of love and masculinity.

As I said, this feeling can be seen in Anteros’ relationships with Dex and Troy in SR1/SR2. The walls begin to crumble between the respective partners because of mutual romantic feelings, though each held back by particular hurdles of the time (for Dex, period-typical homophobia and his own closeted feelings keep the two from being as open as they could be, instead left to love each other behind closed doors. Not to mention Dex’s growing feelings of envy towards Anteros for becoming what is essentially Julius’ favorite, a title he’d long been working for and felt most deserving of. For Troy, his own feelings of guilt and inadequacy, as well as fear that Anteros does not reciprocate keeps him from initially moving forward, only reaching their climax after a particular practice fight in the abandoned theater lot. Perhaps the fights were only a means to touch him). But I'll be here all day if I sit down and dissect those two dynamics (though I'd happily do so if anyone wanted to hear about that).

This is about Johnny and Anteros. This is about a man open about his love for other men, his love for his friends, his own relationship with masculinity and femininity. This is about a man who introduces himself by describing his cock, a man who channels his feelings into violence, a man who will never get over the death of his wife (of which he blames himself and the Saints for).

What do you do when you have all these feelings but no outlet for them? When faced with the one person you wanna confide in, you instead find yourself held back by your own self-doubt and adherence to masculine social norms? In the most basic sense, Johnny and Anteros do not speak the same language. The “I love yous” are only ever said when the other isn’t listening, when the other cannot understand. They do not and maybe will never express their love for each other in a way that makes sense to the other.

So instead Johnny and Anteros will find themselves in a constant push and pull. They fumble through the motions, doing what they can and hoping the vague conversations can get across what they mean. Johnny’s outlet for his feelings is violence; he struggles to be emotionally open like Anteros is. Violence will give you an end result. Talking about things, as far as he can tell, won’t change anything. He can’t wear his heart on his sleeve like Anteros can. In the same vein, Anteros can’t hide his feelings no matter how hard he might try. He will tell his life story to a stranger.

The Boss and Johnny Gat are mirrors of each other. And when they look into that mirror, when they look within that reflection, they become more aware of their own faults.

“The Saints failed me. They failed Aisha. I failed her.”

“How could I be the leader of the Saints? I’m just some stripper who walked on the wrong street corner.”

How do you express that when you’ve spent your whole life putting up the mask of machismo, of being the indestructible magnet of power that is Johnny Gat? As Anteros, how do you express that to the one person whose opinion you want most of all, to the person who’s been by your side the longest yet still feels a million miles away? The connections they make will always be fragile. Anyone could die tomorrow. Both understand this well. But neither wants to be alone.

Perhaps the great irony, the echo to Johnny’s toughness, is that Anteros fears appearing weak to Johnny. He needs to be the boss for the Saints. He needs to be the boss for Johnny.

In many ways, at one point in time, Johnny and Anteros were each other’s last friend in the world. Close enough to comfort. And to hurt.

We see how Anteros’ decisions weigh down on Johnny as time goes on. During the events and ending of the LoP Story and through the beginnings of SRTT, we see how Anteros changes and how it impacts the people around him. None more so than Johnny. Shaundi and Pierce can adapt. Johnny cannot—in this way once again mirroring Anteros as we knew him in SR2. They are men both haunted by their respective pasts, unable to let go of certain events and people and times. What do you do when you can’t express that to your only friend left in the world? How do you tell him he’s changed? What do you say when the reflection in the mirror is unrecognizable? So many of their actions are rooted in this desire to reach out to the other in the only way they know how, trying to prove to each other that they are what’s worth fighting for, worth loving, that they know they need each other. Johnny is more than capable of showing love. Anteros is more than capable of showing his strength. But they’ve locked themselves in this stalemate, this impasse in which showing vulnerability, insecurity to the other is unthinkable. They need to be strong for the other’s sake. Failure for Johnny manifests as guilt and aggression. Failure for Anteros manifests as humiliation and grief.

Maybe there isn’t one grand conclusion to it all. As the years go on, as they experience more tragedy and joy together, perhaps the barriers begin to fall gradually. As they hit their 40s in the modern day, I find myself thinking about how similar they’ve grown to be by that point, both bored by the lack of excitement in their lives now that the Saints have a steady hold over Stilwater. In recent years, they’ve found themselves genuinely confiding in each other about that, spending more time together one-on-one, reenergizing the friendship and brotherhood that started all those years ago in 2006.

I just find it interesting is all. Examining male friendships and love under the expectations of manhood, comparing it to the expression of feelings in romantic relationships. How it impacts them both.

Johnny and Anteros need each other in a way so uniquely theirs that I’ve found it so hard to explain for so long. Maybe I’ve gotten those feelings across. Maybe not—the latter being the more apt answer, ironically.

#every time i post johnny analysis i get scared #again. this is speaking for johnny and anteros and my canon #inb4 anyone says anything there are LOADS of other factors at play here that i didn’t even touch on for the sake of brevity #this is a topic that could be discussed all day #anyway did this make things clearer or even more convoluted

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fictionalmenxyn · 1 year ago

Text

Secrets

Mentions: Ghost x amputee!gn!reader (amputated from the shoulder down, like Bucky if you know him)

Grabbing your prosthetic, you pulled it onto your shoulder and pull the straps that rested on your shoulder and around your ribs. Tightening the prosthetic to a comfortable yet durable grip, you grabbed your long sleeved shirt and pull it over your head. Grabbing your hoodie you did the same and then grabbed your gloves and pulled them on, hiding your prosthetic.

Hearing a knock at the door, you opened it to see Soap, “Hey there, you ready to grab some grub?” He smiled. You nodded and smiled back, closing the door and locking it behind you; you both headed towards the lunch hall.

Seeing the queue, you and Soap joined the line. Grabbing your trays and the food you wanted to eat, you grabbed a drink and waited for Soap.

While you were queueing up with Soap, you were being watched… watched by the one and only Ghost. He has been protective of you, since you first joined he’s always been like that. You didn’t mind, but he had a feeling you were hiding something from him and today was the day he was going to hopefully find out.

Going over the table to meet up with Ghost, Gaz and Price. Sitting down Price greeted “glad for you to joins us, you pair.” Soap laughed “yeah, apologies for being late the new kids were squabbling so I had to break them up.” Price nodded.

Eating you all were in many different conversations with each other. Finishing food you all dropped your plates off to the counter again. You decide to head to your room, you were going to go grab a beanie considering it was quite cold today.

Feeling as if you were being followed you turned your head to see Ghost. He nodded and spoke “Y/l/n” you nodded and spoke “Ghost.” He walked with you to your room and he asked “can I tell you something?” You nodded and let him into your room.

He sat on the edge of your bed, he looked down at the floor and looked back up as he met your gaze. He spoke “I’m sorry if this offends you but… I feel like there is something you haven’t told me like your keeping something big from me.” You nodded and sat next to him and placed a gently hand on top of his.

You replied “I have, it’s uh nothing bad it’s just-” you didn’t exactly know how to tell him so you stood. Standing in front of Ghost, you lifted your hoodie and shirt only slightly. He stopped you, you chuckled and spoke “don’t worry I’m not trying to do anything like that, it’s my arm.” You revealed your prosthetic.

His eyes widen ever so slightly, he asked “why do you hide it?” You pulled your hoodie and shirt down and sat next to him again. You replied “so I don’t get looks or more so my enemy doesn’t see my weak spot.” He nodded and you said “that’s also another reason I wear these gloves. It’s also cold today so that’s another reason I am wearing them.”

Ghost chuckled, he spoke “you know, when your just around your task force you don’t have to hide it.” You nodded and spoke “I won’t from now, I’ve been building up my confidence. But when there are other people I’m going to stick to covering it up. I’m not telling my story all the time.” He nodded and said “you don’t need to worry about people’s opinions or thoughts. If anyone makes fun of you or makes a snide comment, come to me. You know I’ll protect you.” You smiled and leaned into his side. He made you feel safe and comfortable even though he just found out about your prosthetic. He made you feel as if he has always knew you and your prosthetic. That’s why you liked him so much, you can show him something new about you and he’ll talk to you about it as if he’d known forever. He keeps you safe and you know that’s what he enjoys doing.

He’s your safe place, your home.

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