#if any of my classmates are reading this they can 100% identify me by this post oh no

[macaronis-telegraph]

What are some interesting and lesser known titanic or WW1 facts?

Apologies I took so ridiculously long to answer this! Been coming up to crunch time with a huge project I've got at school... But some of the things I've been researching recently can answer this question! Bearing in mind that what is interesting to me may not be interesting to everyone else, but anyways.

First World War Fact!

Disposable menstrual management products as we know them today actually owe a lot to the First World War:

Due to the shortage of materials such as cotton and wool that affected both sides of the war, alternate materials for making field dressings were sought out. One of these was Cellucotton, produced by Wisconsin based Kimberly-Clark, and field dressings made of which came about alongside the American introduction to the war in 1917. Kimberly-Clark came to notice that nurses at the front had been using their cellucotton field dressings as menstrual pads, and, after the war, decided to pivot their production to this market, and rebranded themselves as Kotex.

Kotex wasn't the first disposable menstrual management product out there, but it was the first with a widely successful marketing campaign, and made strides by getting the product out of just catalogues, and onto physical store shelves. While there's of course a lot of discussion today about the environmental impact of disposable sanitary products, their widespread adoption to begin with had a multitude of positive impact on those who used them, including aspects of hygiene, ability to travel, etc.

(One of the other cotton alternatives used in field dressings was sphagnum moss! In brief, sphagnum moss can absorb up to 20 times its own weight in liquid, has antiseptic properties, and brought with it an enormous campaign of allied volunteers on the home front to collect the moss and manufacture it into dressings. I stumbled upon menstrual pads made with sphagnum moss too, dated 1919! But I don't know much about that endeavor and want to find out more.)

For a Titanic Fact:

The interview with junior wireless operator Harold Bride, taken aboard the RMS Carpathia upon returning to New York, and printed in the New York Times, is one of the most referred to interviews surrounding the event. The acquisition of this interview is widely attributed to a Jim Speers, and much of the literature I've read regarding this interview credit the interviewer as such. The problem is:

No one named Jim Speers was working at the New York Times in 1912.

The actual interviewer who urged his way aboard the Carpathia (alongside Guglielmo Marconi himself!*) to get that interview was a man named Isaac Russell, who was actually acting against his assignment from the NYT that day. His name was not published with the article, and thus fell unknown until Russell's own unpublished manuscripts came to light. Where on earth the name Jim Speers came into play though, and why this nonexistent man started getting the credit, I've not gotten to the bottom of.

*Marconi's intentions were very much out of concern of not hearing from his operators, while Russell, whose act of getting an interview BEFORE encouraging Bride to get his injuries treated feels rather exploitative to me personally... but I digress.

[blubushie]

Yikes, reading some of these messages hit a little too close to home.

I'm a trans man, and my relationship with masculinity has been more rocky as recently. I started T and realized I have much more dysphoria than I realized because I was ignoring it. And I've experienced my fair share of transphobia.

I've had classmates say (jokingly, I know) that I'll start becoming entitled, and a misogynist because I started T. In a university level queer studies class, they all had certain distaste for men. The expectation was that they would shut up and not talk over the woman's experiences (to be fair, I was one of 2 men in that class). Even one of my closest friends has issues with hating men that I've meant to bring up (I'm the exception because I'm trans and don't really look like a man most of the time). But I've always brushed it off, saying that "trans women have it worse" or "this is what I get for becoming the 'enemy'".

It took me a long time to even admit I was trans because I know that men were "the enemy" and I was betraying people by becoming one.

That anon who said that he didn't want to become a Twink, oof I relate to that. It wasn't until I got into TF2 that I realized what kind of form I wanted (Engineer and Soldier being major players in this realization).

You are the only one I've ever really seen talking about masculinity. Like ever, and I've been in queer spaces for a very long time. It's comforting to know that my struggles are real. And aren't being brushed off as "well xxxx have it worse." (I know. I know other trans people have their struggles and should not be treated as irrelevant. I know that. But I never see anyone talking about masculinity. It's treated as a disease almost).

I'm rambling, but I guess I just wanted to say thanks. I rarely talk to anyone on the Internet, content to just observe, but you've really made me feel seen. So thank you

I don't wanna be the one to break it to you, but if someone says they hate men and say you're an exception because you're trans or don't look enough like a cis man, it's because they're transphobic and don't see you as a "real" man. And that will change when you start passing and getting clocked as male, and it'll especially change when you express any joy in what testosterone is doing to your body or any joy in being perceived as male. You're most likely an exception because they don't see you as a man yet even though you are one.

Additionally I don't know how long you've been out, but since you're just starting on T, this means people have probably been clocking you and IDing you as female most of your life. Which means you have every right to discuss women's issues and misogyny because you have been subjected to misogyny. NO ONE gets to just erase your lived experiences growing up in a female body and being subjected to misogyny just because you are now openly identifying as male.

And we don't choose our gender. We're born this way, remember? You're betraying no one by "becoming" a man because you were born a man. At most you're making a choice to change your body to ease the symptoms of an illness—gender dysphoria—and I don't see anyone copping shit with depressed people for taking antidepressants. You're not on some random drug, you are specifically on a medication to treat an illness that you have. If people don't like that because of what variant of that illness you have, they can get fucked. They are not worth your time.

You are 100% valid in your experiences and feelings. I'm glad that I can offer a safe space for you to speak about those things.

Also, if I can suggest, it might do you some good to join a club of some kind with a lot of men where you can see masculinity be celebrated in a positive light instead of demonised. I'm not sure if you're into hunting or fishing, but those are my best suggestions. An archery club, a hunting club, a fishing club, etc. Hang out at your local bait shop looking like a sad puppy and some old fart'll find you and invite you fishing.

Chookas, mate. Keep your chin up. You're doing fine.

[veryberryjelly]

hello-first and foremost, congratulations on graduating :DD

secondly, i have never done these sort of things due to my shyness as well as english not being my mother tongue so apologies for my lack of understanding if i ever word something wrong.

i saw your cafe event and just decided out of the blue to give it a shot so, here we are-(apologies if i give too much info or too little-)

🥐

for fandom, preferably the marauders fandom if that's alright- i have recently been sucked into the marauders fandom due to a friend(i did not expect this much angst-), now onto some info about myself. i am an intp and a libra, currently taking psychology, who also does art from time to time- but for the most part i am a cosplayer. i read, occasionally, and it's always either a really dark novel or a light-hearted romance. my hogwarts house is slytherin, which people say are a half surprised and half expected, because i try not to get too confrontational but when i am- i get too brutally honest and make sure my opinion and thoughts are clear. i can also be a teeny bit petty at times, and i've been known to somehow always get what i want- i am a big big big hopeless romantic, and i pretty much spoil my friends by buying them flowers or writing letters to them almost everyday because that's my love language. when people first meet me, i am very cold and distant which intimidates most people but once i feel comfortable around someone i get pretty loud and clingy. my aesthetic, in the best words that i could put it in, is the grungy rockstar gf aesthetic.

i also do makeup on anyone, to the point that my classmates will ask me to randomly do their makeup during lunch break. i practically live in eyeliner and black coats. i am also polyamorous, asexual, omniromantic and identify as a demigirl(though i am starting to question my gender identity AGAIN). i spend most days at the library or just my room in general, but on the occasional days where i go out, i will normally go visit museums, go shopping, or stop by cafes(i love cafes alot). and i think that's everything? again, apologies if i did something wrong and congratulations again on finishing school :DD

𝐣𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐟𝐞 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭

thank you so much for this ask 🖤

i ship you with...

poly!wolfstar !!!

okay, so, i was going back and forth between sirius and remus, but then i saw you're polyamorous so i thought it just more appropriate to give you both <3

you and remus are trading books every few days, recommending and giving eachother annotated books

i feel like sirius would be apprehensive about dating you because of your house and his whole family history with slytherins, but after he gets to know you he cannot get you out of his head

remus is 100% ready to jump in head first with you, but he did have a slight moment of hesitation a few weeks in when the full moon comes around.

if you write any love letters to sirius or remus they'll keep them in their bedside drawers and even ask lily how to press flowers so they can keep the ones you give them

every time you give them something they return the favour.

you give them flowers, you're getting a field of them in your dorm

sirius would 100% ask you to do his makeup for him, even if he's not going anywhere, but especially for parties.

he's laying on his bed with you on his lap applying eyeliner while laying his head in remus' lap so the three of you are involved.

they'll never let you feel left out for even a second.

[neobora]

Hi Neo, I'm new to your blog so I hope I'm not annoying you with this and you're free to ignore my ask. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not satisfied with my life...at all. Sure, it could be worse but I'm allowed to feel that way, aren't I? I've never had any interest in going to university because my desired reality is to be a successful dancer and have a business that's so successful that it becomes my main source of income. I also want to wake up in my desired city and just have fun however and whenever I want. And then when I've enjoyed everything I want to shift to my actual desired reality where I'm a successful and happy singer.

I know this is all confusing but I just wanted to first shift to a reality where I was successful without the fame and just living a simple but active lifestyle with great friends before I experienced a reality where I was famous. I've always dreamt of being a singer since I could remember anything, and I truly love music. It's a source of comfort for me...but I just want to experience a life before fame first because honestly, fame scares me a little but I don't 100% hate it.

Now that I got that out of the way, I can't help but compare myself to my high school classmates. I'm 21 now and all I'm doing is working part-time with a boss that couldn't care less about my existence with a body I don't like and talent that I'm not satisfied with. I worry everyday about my mom's health (and everyone in my family's health to be honest) and I spend 10 minutes contemplating on whether or not I can buy a tiny stick of lip balm. I was raised with a religion I don't believe in and that I feel forced to participate in and my rented house is consistently having problems. And then when I look at my former classmates, they're at university with friends, pursuing their aspirations, they have enough money to be traveling to Barcelona and Milan and Paris and here I am just feeling like I've been left behind. I still don't want to attend university...I don't even have the money to do so even if I wanted to. But I feel so unsuccessful and unsatisfied with everything. I've always felt like I was meant for more but clearly that's not the case. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like giving up but I can't bring myself to pull out of all of this.

Hi!! Don't worry, I'll gladly answer this. I really hope I don't come off as rude when I tell you guys it's only you making yourself suffer😭😭 But it's true and needs to be understood.

First off, it's great you know exactly what you desire. By deeply desiring your Inner Self is telling you what it is that makes you feel fulfilled. Even if you don't feel like it right now, everything will conspire to help you achieve that because while you may feel like you're not, at your core, you are always God, the inner self.

I used to feel like that too. What helped me was starting to see the outer world as a dream, or simply as an old thought that will come to pass. I started FEELING the wish fulfilled by imagining and feeling like it's actually happening right now (because it is). Start off by just doing that and being persistent. When the fear hits, make clear to yourself that imagination truly is the only reality and you are always the inner man, my power is always at max. you are free to always identify with the inner man, the choice whether you want to go back is yours and YOURS ONLY. understanding that no one is forcing you to feel (identify with) anything is so freeing. you are free to see something like an undesired appearance as simply not true, that is the past, that is not you. then persist and never go back, no matter what. when there's resistance, always go back to your core, the inner self. do you want to feel that? no? then don't.

It's simple, but to understand you have to actually allow yourself to. I really like how Edward Art explains this in his videos and series (100% worth reading frfr). maybe you want to check them out. it's so important to actually be open to feeling instead of worrying. i know you can do it, at our core we are all the same :)

[alwyscrtns]

Song Storytime Sunday

feat. LS6 by Slaney Bay

(the song goes with the story, and its good, so play it as you read if you want!)

SO back in freshman year I took geometry (I took alg in 8th), the class was easy and my classmates were nice (mostly). At some point thoughout the year me and this girl, I'll call her C, get sat next to eachother. She was funny, I was funnier (in my opinion) we get along and become good friends.

I, a artist, noticed that her headphones were audio-technica m40s, valued at $100+. for those who don't know, that's a popular audio brand for professional audio. (Aka, not just regular headphones). I asked her where she got them from and then she told me about this radio camp she went to. Now also, as a artist, every single one of us gets excited when we hear the word "radio". Getting radio play is usually the #1 milestone for any small artist. So, when she said "radio" + "camp" I basically went like "!!!!".

We talk about it for a few days and eventually she shows me her radio "learners guide". It's really all common sense but it had a few funny moments. There was a list with words that you can't say on the radio. Including:

(all censored in my unique way)

Sht, P*ss, Fck, Cnt, C***sucker, MF, T*ts, BS

So anyways, I get her discord and apply for the summer camp that year (past the deadline). I wasn't expecting to get in, but I put down that I knew C on my application. School was ending, but me and C keep in touch through sending each other memes on Instagram and Discord.

C texts me, "she (wxox leader girl) says you can come in the last day of camp if youre free". i was SOOOO EXCITED. I replyed cool, when where how?". One thing led (lead?) to another, and I was inside the broadcast center one afternoon in July.

i did the hellos you usually do when you walk into a building, and waited on the couch in the lobby. (there was some cute boys there but i digress), C walked in and we start to talk about the books in the room. eventually, thats boring so she led me around to say hi to the other DJs who were early in a tour like fashion. there's not much to say about that, but I will note that I introduced myself as DJ Fruity 🏳️‍🌈 to the other DJs.

We go back in and the leader girl walks in and does a presentation/speech type thing and introduces me to the djs who came in after my tour. not much to note here, but everyone was very nice.

we go into the studio and a very professional looking guy comes in with us. he shows me this LOOONG radio contract. I dont sign without reading, so I sit and read it for a moment.

"we reserve the right to use, share, publicize, and monetize your radio show in perpetuity"

(normal talk: we own everything you say on the radio forever)

The other guys before us were doing some talk show, and were running overtime (a serious infraction in the radio world apparently). very professional guy comes in and ushers them out. I fiddle with the headphones (also m40s) for a while (they fold on themselves), professional guy helps me, and then it was time to go on air.

we snap a pic first:

C: "Hi, this is me, DJ C (forgot her dj name) and today the show is about national r&b history (something). I'm here along with..." she pauses for me to answer (thankfully)

Me: "dj create!"

(I figure you can't identify as DJ Fruity on radio)

I forget what she says next, but somehow we get onto the topic of my music "career" (i still consider it a hobby).

C: "which one of your songs did you you have the most attachment to?"

me: "I released this one song back near the start of my "career" titled albu, its real emo. the whole song is a extended metaphor with internal conflict and a lake"

She starts playing the first song, 🎵Killing Me Softly With His Song🎵. (by Lauren Hill) Anyone who's listened knows that that song knows that it ends with... a not so radio friendly bit. so we had to quickly abort halfway through the song and we go into a interview type thing.

C: "do you wanna play a song?"

me: "idk any good r&b songs"

C: "it doesn't have to be r&b, just radio friendly"

So, I played the song of the day, ls6 on the radio for r&b day. if you're listening to the song you obviously realized, it's not a r&b song, but everyone loved it anyways. I loved the experience, and I hope I get to attend the full boot camp next year. Shout out (to whoever read this whole thing) to WXOX 97.1 FM radio Louisville ❤️ (they also go by ARTxFM sometimes, Idk the difference, sblmk)

link to wxox website

Picture of all of us:

(Profesional guy is far right, leader girl is the one next to him with sunglasses on)

the end

there's more to this story, but I don't want to write too much if nobodies listening. if I get enough likes (like more than 20 ig) I'll write out what happened afterwards! comment any questions you have!

post song bonus ideas:

(r&b trivia and "the force")

(pizza party)

the actual end

[sevicia]

Idk if I ever mentioned but I started listening to Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata yesterday and finished it today. It's very short, exactly 3 hrs 22 mins, and I really really liked it

My favorite part of the book was how Keiko behaved and spoke and thought, because it felt really familiar. Stuff like mimicking others' behavior to "fit in" (speech patterns, fashion choices, etc.), and of finding ?comfort? in a set environment such as the convenience store. I don't know if it can be accurately called "comfort", because while it IS a set routine, something to base her entire life around, it is, at the same time, oppressive in the way that it becomes her whole world and dictates everything from her eating habits to her speech patterns.

Keiko says a lot that, in the convenience store, they are only convenience store workers. Not men or women or any other identifiable quality, just workers, and I found that an interesting way to view it because when it gets broken near the end of the book, she is very upset about it. Being upset when something you convinced yourself of (with basis, yes, but still not 100% true in practice), is broken, is very understandable, but the way that she became so agitated, didn't understand why everyone had changed, and kept insisting on following the convenience store routine, made the thought of her being autistic really solidify in my head.

Because she mimicks other people, doesn't understand most social cues (the ones she understands, she has been taught), and also doesn't understand the reason behind people's attitudes when they change suddenly, not to mention her apparent lack of empathy at the beginning of the book (towards the bird and her classmates) and throughout it. She's autistic as fuck imo but I could be wrong.

Also, on the topic of sexuality, she is 100% aroace, like there is no room for doubt there. This results in trouble for her, being a single woman living in Japan in her thirties, since all of her friends and her sister pressure her to get married or at least date somebody. This is obviously fucked up, but Keiko just sort of goes with it in hopes of becoming "normal".

There's also a lot of talk of Keiko being "cured" throughout the book, which, while already messed up, is even worse when you read her as having autism. We all know why.

On the topic of Shiraha, I fucking hated the guy (as anyone with half a braincell would). Literally an incel droning on and on about the stone age, about being the victim and about women not wanting him because they go for (basically) alpha men (he doesn't phrase it like this, but c'mon). He also berates Keiko time and time again, which she doesn't care about at all, but as a reader / listener, it's really infuriating, especially since the two things he shames her for are:

1. Being a single woman in her thirties

2. Working at a convenience store while in her thirties

Which is obviously misogynistic, and ageist, and I don't know if it's the right term, but also classist. He views convenience store workers, and most definitely all retail / "lower end" workers, as trash that will never get anywhere (as if HE'S going anywhere), and he also speaks frequently of how he is looked down upon for being a virgin at his age and then proceeds to do the same to Keiko. He's such a hypocrite it's unreal.

Another thing, the way that Keiko's friends consider her an outsider until she lies about having a boyfriend is really painful to read about when you're similar to her. I have this fear of forever being an "other", and this made me feel queasy.

While I couldn't relate to Keiko at 100%, I still could relate to her quite a bit, so it really hit close to home whenever she was told she was a nobody, that she would go nowhere in life, and other horrible things. Keiko herself doesn't seem to care about this, but I do.

A lot of people call this book disturbing while others call it funny. I don't know where I fall, but it's definitely not funny.

I think my only major gripe with the book was, for some reason, the way the title was translated. The original title (as said at the end of the audiobook), is "Konbini Ningen". Which if I'm not wrong, translates literally to "Convenience Store Human". I like this better since it ties in with Keiko's view of herself as nothing but a convenience store worker, if not a "convenience store animal", as she says towards the end. However, "Convenience Store Human" doesn't have the same appeal as "Convenience Store Woman", so I can see why they went with that instead.

Anyways, I really enjoyed it. It felt oddly familiar, and was fun to listen to. I gave it 4.75 🌟 on Storygraph, because (I don't know why) it wasn't QUITE there for me. It might change in the future though idk.

If you read this whole thing:

1. you're insane a little bit

2. thank you

3. I love you. Here's your reward..... :

booboo wheel

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

[madd-information]

Hello.

Lately I've been thinking that I might have MaDD. But it seems like one of the main elements that define MaDD is the fact that the excessive daydream is supposed to cause distress or social impairment to the person dealing with it.

But I think that it would be difficult for introverts to relate to this even if they have all the symptoms of MaDD.

Introverts are already socially impaired individuals. They already live inside their head and they'd rather spend every single hour of the day in their own space without interacting with any other human being. The external world is what causes distress in their life.

As an introvert myself, I think i started daydreaming when I was around 10 yrs old after I had to deal with some stressful events. This new world I created in my mind kept me sane for more than 14 yrs. My fictional characters helped me get through my hardest times. They are the ones who deal with the strong emotions that I can't personally deal with, like anger, sadness, genuine happiness. Whenever I can't express those emotions, I know for sure that my fictional characters will find the best way to live them to the fullest. Whenever i'm sad, they are 20×times sadder.

My characters are 100% fictional. Their personal background hasn't changed for the past 14 yrs (mostly traumatic), but they have to deal with different situations everyday like disease, death, work or family-related problems. Most of the time, my main characters discuss about important social topics like feminism, sexuality, racism, morality, marriage, etc...

I'm not a part of this world, so I am in no way involved in my characters' lives. But my mood influence their situation just like I am influenced by their deep interactions/dialogues and their original way of dealing with every inconvenience.

Yes I cry over their traumatic experiences.

Yes I'm the happiest when they are living their best life.

Yes, I'm often impressed by how deep they can get into their debates/dialogues, which makes me kinda proud of my imagination.

I can daydream for 1-4 hours a day. I am always mad when my daydream is interrupted and I often have to quickly change my facial expressions when someone enters my room unexpectedly. Tears, smile, expression of disgust or wonder are the main clinical symptoms I deal with. As an introvert, I rarely express anything externally, so I don't pace or talk while daydreaming.

I often have to get back to an episode of my daydream with new plots and better or deeper ideas. Most importantly, I can get out of a daydream if I absolutely have to. I know it's not real but it's just so comfortable .

Sometimes, I can read or watch movies or listen to music normally without going back to my daydream, even if they might actually bring new ideas for my scenarios. On other days, I can't remain concentrated on whatever I'm doing because every single thing acts like a trigger.

As I already told you, I never had a real social life, so my daydream doesn't really interfere in my interactions with the external world (family, classmates, colleagues,....). And as a professional procrastinator, I often spend time doing nothing even if I'm not daydreaming. So excessively daydreaming has little to no impact on my social life. I just know that I daydream too much and that my emotions are way too linked to that fictional world so it's kinda dangerous. I feel empty when I don't daydream for weeks. I feel disconnected from my inner-self, even if I am not usually a part of my imaginary world.

I want to know if I can still identify myself as potentially having MaDD even if the excessive daydreaming doesn't cause distress or social impairment in my life.

#MaDD

I try to deal mostly with directing people to resources and facts on this blog, though sometimes I give my opinion and/or advice. The following is completely personal opinion: I think your reasoning here is fundamentally flawed in viewing introversion as a social impairment. Introverts are a wide spectrum of people with different behaviours, but their preference for being reserved or working alone is not necessarily 'impaired', they're just a different way of doing things as compared to extroverts. MD does not only effect social interactions either. An introvert may do fine socially but find their daydreaming impacting other areas of their life. Or, though they may prefer to spend 'time in their head' they might like to do that with an activity like reading and find it difficult because they can't stop the fantasy from taking over. I think that just because someone has a more introverted disposition it does not mean there is little for MD to effect negatively. As for your question at the end; MD is defined by it's negative effect on ones life. This effect is different for everyone, and the line between 'this is fine' and 'this is a problem for me' is different for everyone too. I don't know where that line is for you, perhaps you have not found it yet, it can be very blurry for some people. But, if after careful consideration, you do find that there is no distress or dysfunction caused to you by your daydreaming habit then, no, you would not have to label yourself with MD. There's nothing maladaptive about choosing to spend your free time daydreaming if it is having a positive effect on your wellbeing.

[painted-crow]

Submission Time #9

Hi, Paint! Thank you so much for letting your inbox available and taking time out of your day to read this <3 I’ll try my best to make it as short as possible, but I do tend to talk too much, so I’m sorry if this turns out a bit long. Also, sorry about my English hehe.

No way, this is really clear and well-written! You've made things easy for me here ^^

Well, guess I’ll start with what I do know sorting wise! I’m a Snake Primary with a Lion model and one thing I’m very aware of about my secondary is a Bird model that I use for basically everything lol. I think my actual secondary burned sometime around my teens and I’ve been living in this model ever since. I like it, it’s very fun and incredibly useful, but doesn’t really feel like me, you know? Getting things done can end up a bit frustrating at times, especially when I’m overthinking everything and making some half-assed planning I'll most likely end up throwing away at some point.

Okay, so leaning towards one of the Improvisational secondaries. Cool :)

When looking at other secondaries tho, I relate to some aspects of them, but not the core thing about them, if it makes any sense. I mean, I understand that as complex humans we won't relate to our sortings 100% all the time, but it seems like the key characteristic is always missing.

Like Lion, for example. I’ve been told I can give some pretty inspirational speeches and a few times after project presentations classmates told me I should probably get into theater or become a coach lmao. I’ve always been a bit of an improviser, too? I don’t tend to think much before presentations, usually there's just a guideline and then I come up with all the nice words on the spot. I seem to be able to do and learn things rather intuitively too, like getting high scores on essays about books I didn’t read or on tests I barely studied for, if at all. And still have no idea how I did that...

Almost certainly an Improvisational secondary, then. Not sure which. Either that or you have two models happening.

But the actual Lion thing, the need for integrity and being myself at all times? I don’t have it. That "inspirational" bit people mention is probably more related to me being rather good with words and voice intonation, it doesn’t necessarily come from a place of genuineness. It does feel more like a performance, I'm actively trying to be entertaining and catch people's attention while explaining the subject. Guess I also prefer to take more indirect approaches to solve problems, rather than charging.

So it sounds like Lion is less of a thing for you. Let's think about Snake instead.

As for Badger, I think there’s at least some performance going on. The thing about getting unprompted confessions and having people randomly asking for favors? Happens pretty often. I consider myself more fluid too, and I relate more to the Badger description of “mirroring” than the Snake thing of becoming someone that’s “charming” for a certain person. Especially because social cues aren’t exactly my forte haha. So it’s easier to go along with and reciprocate whatever vibe the person is giving off. I’m definitely not a community builder tho. Relying on people makes me anxious and I generally feel more comfortable with smaller groups. I would say I'm a caretaker, but that's it.

I don't think Snakes would have a hard time mirroring if they wanted to. A Snake who wants to give off chill vibes can (consciously or subconsciously) just decide to do the Badger mirror thing. And if you do that a lot, then yes, people are going to feel safe around you and you get the random confessions thing.

That's not to say you don't have any Badger, though.

The hardworking and showing up part are definitely tools I’ve used before and it’s what helped me get hired for jobs more than once now. Work ethic is important, but I guess I focus too much on the end results and “work smarter, not harder” is not a philosophy I tend to go against. As long as I can still be efficient and provide good results, I don’t mind taking shortcuts. In fact, it would feel a little selfish to me to keep up a slower, less updated method if I can be more productive and finish things faster by trying something different (really hope I'm not offending anyone by saying this, it's just a personal view).

"Tools" is the word you use, and I know you said you're thinking your secondary is Burned, but it's interesting how neutrally you talk about this. You don't seem emotionally invested in Badger, either as part of your identity or with those complex mixed feelings Burned Houses often have.

Maybe you use Badger sometimes as a performance, but from the sound of it, it doesn't feel like it's yours.

Finally, Snake. The parts where Badgers and Snakes overlap are definitely the ones I relate to the most. But, like Snakes, I don’t need to believe what I’m saying to make it work. I only have to believe I’m being convincing enough haha. The less I think about it, the better.

Hmm. I was already leaning towards Snake for you, but I wonder if "the less I think about it, the better" isn't a leftover habit you have from pushing Snake aside to use Bird. I'm probably reading too much into this.

When I was younger I used to take some pride in being a pretty good "“liar"”, but I don’t know why I started feeling like people can see right through me? That they’ll think I’m always faking everything and can’t be trusted.

Ooh, imposter syndrome. Fun.

So, you used to take pride in this, but you started feeling like you weren't good at using Snake? And you're thinking your old secondary might be Burned.

Anxiety™ definitely doesn’t help with that, however I started wondering if part of it comes from having a very, *very* loud Lion secondary mom and she always expected our relationship to be open and honest. I’m glad I can be like that with her, I even agree that when the matter is important enough, you should be honest and communicate with your loved ones.

So there's a family/community expectation that conflicts with your using Snake...

But when being so open in general isn’t in my nature and I have to force myself to be a little more like her…. Maybe I internalized that being indirect and reserved is inherently bad and I feel guilty when that’s precisely my first instinct.

So, Lion REALLY isn't your thing. I'm very much leaning towards Snake for you.

But as I said, I’m not a people charmer. More like a negotiator, maybe. And reading some Snake secondary statements, it does come across as a little… “extreme” to me. Like having multiple accounts with personas that don’t overlap? I have three atm, with a lot of overlapping, and it already feels overwhelming lmao.

There isn't a set way to use the secondaries. Snake in particular is very adaptable and it's definitely up to you how you use it. The specifics of how other Snakes use their secondary aren't a requirement for you to be one.

"Negotiator" absolutely is a form Snake can have, and if you can identify yourself with a fluid, reactive word like that, then that's a hopeful sign that you're un-Burning.

And the world better watch out when you do... A Snake with a strong Bird model? Hell yes, that's a combination :D

I wrote this trying to sort myself more than anything, but at the end of the day, guess I’m still a bit lost. If I had to pick one… Maybe I’m closer to being a Badger…. A very impatient one, if that's possible.

Aww, hon, your mom just doesn't realize how awesome Snakes can be.

I think you're slowly recovering your Snake, but you're only letting yourself adapt in ways that look Badger, because Badger is safe and socially acceptable. Especially to your family... you said you're a Snake primary and if your mom is Important to you in a loyalties way, you might find that changes how you treat your Houses.

Anyways, I was curious to know what your considerations would be! Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to read all of this mess and commenting on it. Hope you stay safe and have a great week!

This was very articulate and not a mess at all ^^ hope this helps!

-Paint

[23sheets]

my favorite study tips no one asked for

as an intj and a type a person, i am very much into all things related to productivity and planning; (i love holding on to this illusion that i can somehow control what goes on with my life lol) these "tips" are basically a messy amalgam of all the things i've picked up. i do not stick to these tips 100% of the time bc i am after all just human and therefore bound to have many messy, unpredictable events thrown at me.

1. SHOW UP. This is by far the simplest and yet the hardest tip i learned. if i feel even just a tiny bit unprepared or unmotivated to go to school before, i'd simply skip it thinking attending classes isnt even that important anyway. but IT IS!!! especially if you're taking literature classes or humanities courses; what you learn through your classmates is sometimes far more valuable than what you get on the internet. plus, it makes the material easier to recall because a class allows you to engage with whatever it is you're learning.

2. MOTIVATION IS OVERRATED. PRACTISE DISCIPLINE INSTEAD. Since we're doing remote learning, the first tip wont be really applicable unless you set your study schedule. find the schedule that works for you and stick to it. this way, even when you don't feel motivated to do the work, you're still likely to do it. like anything, this one needs practice but you have to remember that you're not inherently stupid or lazy. you simply lack the skill at the moment to study effectively. and since it's a skill, it's something you can hone and master.

3. ROMANTICIZE THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR STUDYING ROUTINE. Pretend you're spencer hastings or rory gilmore (when their shows didnt fuck their characters yet). pretend you're in a ghibli film. pretend you're already this disciplined, well-rounded, kind person you wanted to be. (i also like to watch youtube videos on studying or lurk in studyblr when im feeling extra demotivated or drained. but again, discipline is much more reliable than these momentary urges to study.)

4. MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS. I read somewhere that procrastination is not a time-management issue but rather an emotional one. and this totally makes sense!! identify what's holding you back from doing the things you have to do in order to achieve your goals. my biggest emotional problems include perfectionism and fear of failure. identify what's yours, recognize when the emotion shows up and when it's affecting your work. don't villainize the emotion but simply note it and realize that you can actually let it go or at least redirect it to something more fruitful or worthwhile. when you're ready to work again, focus on smaller tasks at hand instead of the end goals/outputs. this makes it less daunting/overwhelming. (Meditation can also help you manage your emotions.)

5. STAY ORGANIZED. this is very personal and what works for someone else may not work for you. but having a sort of game plan prepares you to do the actual work and frees you up from any extra anxiety. write lists. plan ahead. make schedules. do what you can to be able to focus at one task at a time. BUT ALSO REMEMBER THAT IT IS OKAY IF YOU CANNOT ALWAYS STICK TO WHAT YOU INTENDED TO ACHIEVE/DO. not all things are in our control. the sooner you'll accept that, the more intentional you'll become at what you do.

6. LOVE YO SELF! lol the idea that you have to run on zero sleep to survive college is a myth. while it seems like an hour of exercise or getting 6+hrs of sleep is a waste of your time, in reality they're your time-savers. when you're well-rested and alert, you can devote your time to your studies with more focus resulting to better and more efficient work

Practical tips:

1. this one i learned through meditation: start any task with an intention to give your whole-hearted attention, sustained effort, and gentle focus

2. Break tasks into chunks and use pomodoro technique. take breaks.

3. after your study sessions, give yourself tangible, concrete rewards. this will enable you to form positive associations with studying.

4. don't just absorb the materials. engage with it: ask questions, make summaries, rewrite it, or teach it to your invisible friend.

hope this helps anyone who will come across this post 🥰

[purrincess-chat]

Kill Em With Kindness CH2

Thank you all so much for 3.5k (and growing)! You are all so wonderful, and I’m glad that you all enjoy my content enough to stick around and follow. I have a lot of plans for the future, and I just hope that you all will like them! Here is part two of this next spite filled adventure.

The opening scene and really this whole fic were inspired by lenore’s post from forever ago after Chameleon came out so shouts out! Also, I know several of you wanted me to tag you when I updated this, and I will do my best to get everyone, but I suggest getting an AO3 account and subscribing to the fic there instead. You’ll get an email whenever I update, and I always post on AO3 first before tumblr. 

Read on AO3

Previous chapter Next chapter

Chapter 2

“You know, when you made these plans with Adrien, I thought you meant to be nice,” Tikki said chidingly in the bathroom as Marinette washed her hands several days later.

“I am being nice,” Marinette said with an innocent pout.

“You put a ‘Coping with loss’ book on Lila’s desk yesterday.”

“She said her hamster died.”

“And the safety glasses by the napkins in the cafeteria?” Tikki cocked a brow.

“Max was worried about losing an eye.”

“You did your science presentation on tinnitus.”

“Well, after the music festival with Juleka’s mom, I was worried about our hearing.” Marinette snatched a paper towel from the dispenser and dried her hands.

“Your history report on the greatest liars and cheats in history?”

“I became fascinated with P.T. Barnum’s life after that movie and finishing with a comparison of Volpina and Rena Rouge was just a modern-day example everyone could identify with.” Tikki gave her a look. “I got a standing ovation for that presentation.”

“What about the fact-checking robot you petitioned Max to make?”

“For Alya for her birthday! I’m just trying to help her become a better journalist because I’m a good friend.” Marinette placed her hands on her hips haughtily.

“Speaking of Alya, you’ve been telling her to just hang out with Nino lately.”

“She said she wanted to spend more time with him. I’m just being supportive of their relationship,” she shrugged.

“Marinette,” Tikki sighed.

“What? We can’t expose Lila, so we’re just playing along until she inevitably exposes herself which I will watch probably with popcorn,” Marinette said with a laugh. “It’s called kill em with kindness.”

“It’s called being petty.”

“Semantics,” Marinette waved it away, but Tikki was unamused. “Look, I can’t beat Lila at lies. She just makes more, so I’ve come up with another plan that doesn’t harm anyone and keeps everyone from getting mad at me for calling her out. I mean, you saw what happened the other day when she got me expelled. Scarlet Moth almost made a comeback, and I was on the frontlines.”

“I guess we can’t let that happen again…” Tikki reasoned, tapping her chin.

“Exactly. Lila wants everyone to believe those things, so I’m just gonna let her keep falling down the rabbit hole until she eventually hits the bottom,” Marinette said with a twisted grin. “If I happen to push her a little deeper along the way then so be it.”

“That’s very underhanded of you, Marinette.”

“I don’t like it when people use my friends and threaten me.” Marinette clenched her fists. “She almost got me akumatized multiple times now, and we can’t ever let that happen.”

“You’re right. Just be careful,” Tikki advised.

“Don’t worry, Tikki. Coming up with solutions is my superpower.” She winked as her phone buzzed in her pocket with an akuma alert. “Speaking of, we have a city to save. Tikki, transform me!”

***

“Ladybug!” Alya waved her down after the battle, brandishing her cell phone. “Do you have time for a quick interview?”

“A little,” she said with a shrug. “Make it quick.”

“Okay, okay, many of my viewers want to know what advice you have to help people stay positive to avoid being akumatized,” Alya began, pressing record.

“Well, I would recommend changing your perspective a little. Instead of being bummed out about failing a test, maybe commit to studying harder next time. If you get into a fight with your friends, just take a deep breath and remember that if they’re your real friends, they’ll forgive you.” Ladybug replied, placing her hands on her hips. “And if you do get akumatized, don’t make a big deal out of it. Chat Noir and I will always be there to save you. Negative emotions are a part of life just like positive ones, and everyone can have a bad day, even me.”

“Next question, with the passing of Hero’s Day, my viewers want to know what they can do to help you and Chat Noir.”

“Just do your best every day. Lift each other up instead of tearing each other down and do your best to help others who need it,” she said with a smile.

“My friend Marinette is like that, always helping others and helping us stay positive,” Alya remarked, and Ladybug bit back a smirk.

“I think I’ve met her a few times. She’s alerted me of a few akumas here and there.” She tapped her chin with a coy smile. “Not everyone has superpowers like me and Chat Noir, but there are a lot of ways to help out in your school, in your community, or even in your own home just like your friend. I think that everyone should strive to be a Marinette.”

She pressed a hand to her earrings as they beeped and palmed her yoyo, flashing Alya a peace sign. “Gotta go before I change back.”

“Thank you for your time, Ladybug!” Alya bounced on her heels, clutching her phone to her chest as Ladybug tossed her yoyo over the roof.

“Bug out!”

***

When Lila walked through the doors of the library that afternoon, she stopped short when her eyes locked with Marinette’s sitting at the table with Max. They held that same taunting innocence that made Lila’s blood boil, and she knew this was another one of her “nice” schemes.

“Oh, Lila, there you are,” she greeted with a smile, and Lila did her best to suppress an eye roll. “You haven’t been doing so well in class, so I’ve asked everyone to pitch in helping you catch up. Max is here to help you with your maths and science, Rose has agreed to help you with Literature, Sabrina can help you out with history, and then Nathaniel said he would be more than happy to help you with the art project we have due next week.”

“Oh, that’s not necessary. Adrien agreed to help me,” Lila said, waving it away. “He should be here any minute.”

“Actually, he had a pop-up fencing lesson with Kagami this afternoon. She insisted because her mother is so hard on her to improve her technique, and Adrien is the only opponent who challenges her enough, so he just couldn’t say no,” Marinette explained.

“Adrien does score well across the board on all of his exams; however, his schedule guarantees an 87.96% chance that you won’t get sufficient help in order to pull your grades up in time, so Marinette reached out to the rest of us to step in on his behalf so you don’t fail the semester,” Max stated, and Marinette smiled sweetly beside him.

“As class representative, I’m just looking out for the needs of everyone,” she said, standing up. “Thanks again for your help, Max.”

“No problem, Marinette.” Max waved it away. “Oh, and I will have prototype designs for that software you asked me for later this week.”

“Awesome! You’re the best, Max!” Marinette clasped her hands together cheerfully. “Good luck, Lila, and let me know if you need any more help.”

Lila offered her a forced smile before her face fell into a scowl.

“Have fun at movie night!” Max called, waving as she left.

“Movie night?” Lila quirked a brow.

“Yes, many of our classmates are convening to watch movies at Kim’s house this evening, but seeing as it’s a movie I’ve already seen, I agreed to help you catch up on your studies tonight instead,” Max explained, pulling out his textbooks. “I’ve assembled 100 maths problems for us to work covering each section of material that you missed while you were traveling then I have a PowerPoint reviewing over our particle physics unit from last term-”

Lila glared at the door Marinette had gone through, gripping her pencil with white knuckles. She wasn’t quite sure what game Marinette was playing with her, but she was definitely up to something. No matter, she wasn’t about to be defeated so easily. After all, she had Gabriel Agreste on her side.

***

“How did Lila react to Max?” Adrien asked as Marinette grabbed a juice from the snack table.

“She looked half ready to strangle me,” Marinette replied, popping the tab and taking a sip.

“There isn’t going to be a lot I can do if my father decides to use her in photoshoots again, but I’ll help you in any way that I can outside of that,” he said, grabbing a cookie.

“What are you two whispering about?” Alya asked with a smirk, and they both stiffened.

“Uh, I was just asking Marinette if she wanted to sit with me during the movie,” Adrien said, nudging Marinette with his elbow.

“Y-Yeah, I- of course. You don’t mind, do you, Alya?” Marinette fumbled, and her friend gave a proud beam.

“Not at all. I was actually on my way to tell you that I want to sit with Nino.” She winked.

“Great. Then it’s settled.” Adrien waved as they moved to their bean bags.

“How did she sneak past your father anyway? I thought he was some impenetrable wall?” She asked, and Adrien threw his head back with a sigh.

“Your guess is as good as mine. Is it wrong I kind of wish she’d teach me?” He chuckled, popping a popcorn kernel into his mouth.

“Your dad let you come to this, didn’t he?” Marinette pointed out, but Adrien averted his gaze guiltily.

“I’m technically supposed to be meeting with my Chinese tutor right now, but I may have told him I lost my voice while also telling Gorilla that this was his address,” Adrien admitted, tapping his chin with an impish grin.

“Sneaky,” Marinette complimented, but he curled his shoulders.

“I feel kind of bad disobeying him, but all I want to do is see my friends. What’s so wrong with that?” He shrugged, and Marinette offered him a smile.

“Nothing, and I’m sure your dad will come around eventually,” she said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Thanks, Marinette. I really hope so.” He smiled weakly, his gaze softening on her. “You really are the kindest girl at school. Lila won’t know what hit her.”

Marinette bit back a smile, cheeks pink and heart pounding.

“Ya know, Adrien, maybe if your dad ever allows it we could-”

“Lila, Max, you made it!” Kim called, and Marinette felt her blood run cold.

“I’m a really fast learner,” Lila said, shooting Marinette a pointed glare, and her jaw clenched as Nathalie entered through the doorway beside her. “Oh, Adrien, I ran into Nathalie on the way over. She was worried about where you were, so I told her we could check here for you.”

“Adrien, you’re supposed to be at Chinese right now,” Nathalie scolded, and Adrien stiffened, face falling. “If you come now, I won’t tell your father about this.”

“Yes, Nathalie,” he said glumly, shooting Marinette an apologetic wince. “I’ll see you at school.”

“I’m sorry, Adrien. I didn’t realize you’d get in trouble.” Lila winced, pressing a hand to her lips in an ‘oops’ manner. “Nathalie said your father was worried.”

“It’s okay, Lila. It’s my fault,” Adrien said as he passed, head hung low as he made his way out with Nathalie.

When the door closed behind them, Lila curled her shoulders and turned to everyone with a pout.

“I’m sorry. I feel like I ruined everything. I didn’t realize that Adrien was here without permission,” she said, covering her face.

“Don’t sweat it, Lila. You didn’t know,” Nino assured her, and she peeked over her hands.

“I hope he doesn’t get into too much trouble,” she fretted, but Nino waved it away.

“Nah, Nathalie totally sticks up for him. If she says she won’t tell, then she won’t,” he said, and Lila relaxed a little.

“That’s a relief,” she sighed.

“Well, since Adrien had to bounce, why don’t you take his seat next to Marinette? You two have been getting along so great lately,” Alya suggested, pointing to the empty beanbag beside Marinette, and Lila flicked her gaze to meet Marinette’s with a grin.

“Do you mind, Marinette?” She asked, a challenging glint in her eye as if to say, ‘your move.’

“Not at all.” Marinette smiled sweetly as Lila paced over to sit down, and her phone buzzed in her pocket with a text from Adrien.

Well, looks like we have our work cut out for us.

Marinette glanced at Lila out of the corner of her eye, chatting with Rose about Kitty Section before typing a quick reply.

So it would seem.

*sigh here we go*

Tagging: @teresarosiadeviluke2112 @sam-spectra @posyfoot @captain-rice @aloeveraspeaks @somethingelsefine @crazylittlemunchkin @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @rlv29 @kaleigh-girlonfire @kokoa-vb @fanwarrior-at-your-service @liebredavinci @starberry-mina @dalandana @rose-sparks13 @foreverblindedbystars @a-6-yearold-inside @redheadeddemon16 @deerestaurelia @graduatedmelon @janaikam @zatanni @shamefulllove @lunar-wolf-warrior @french-dog-joke @magnitude101999 @pinkittwice @musicallylara @summersprit-sims @timelinegodabandoned @patronusxcharms @azureocean33 @zazzlejazzle 

[hajimes-erect-ahoge]

Postmortem- Chapter 5

Kokichi goes to the emergency room.

ao3

“Ouma-kun, how are you feel- Ouma-kun?!”

A nurse had walked in to check on Ouma after hearing about the incident in the dining hall, only to be met with a horrifying sight: Ouma had a knife to his throat of his own will, and tears were streaming down his face while his whole body was shaking.

Upon hearing the nurse speak, Ouma opened his eyes to look at her with big, fearful eyes.  He instinctively lowered the knife to make it look like he wasn’t just about to slit his own throat, but it was too late: The nurse had already rushed over to his side, reaching to confiscate the knife. She grabbed it from his shaking hand with ease, despite Ouma’s cries and protests.

“No! What are you doing?! Give it back!!” He reached to grab the knife back from the nurse, but she held it out of his reach.

“Please calm down, Ouma-kun!” The nurse pulled out a handheld device and pressed a button on it, alerting the other staff of what was going on. Immediately, a siren started blaring from somewhere in the room and red lights began flashing. While it seems far-fetched, having patients in the Team Danganronpa hospital try to kill themselves was awfully common, so they implemented these security measures so that all the nurses could identify the room where the problem was and quickly meet there.

Within seconds, about half a dozen other nurses arrived in Ouma’s room, prepared to deal with the crisis.

”No! You can’t do this! You don’t understand! Why can’t you just let me die already?!” Ouma leapt out of his bed to try and grab the knife from the nurse from a shorter distance, but was immediately held back by two other nurses. Being considerably stronger than his sickly form, they lifted him up off the ground.

”Let me fucking go!” Ouma sobbed, kicking and thrashing about in their hold. ”Just let me fucking kill myself already!”

“We need a sedative!” One of the nurses holding him called.

“I’ve got one!” Another nurse responded, walking up to Ouma and the other two nurses with a sedative in hand.

“Don’t you fucking dare!” He screamed, panicking once he saw the needle. ”Let me fucking go!” His sobs returned in full force, wet tears falling down his cheeks. “Please… Just let me die…”

“We need a stretcher!” A nurse shouted as she injected Ouma with the sedative. After a few more seconds of struggling he relaxed, going limp in the arms of the nurses that held him.

“On it!” Another nurse shouted, exiting the room to go get a stretcher for Ouma.

Opening the door, the nurse exited Ouma’s room, running into none other than…

“Momota-kun!” the nurse was a bit surprised to see him, as she assumed everyone was still gathered in the dining hall.

“Uh, hi…” he said awkwardly, scratching at the back of his neck. He averted his gaze. “What’s going on in there? I came to check on Ouma, but then I saw a bunch of nurses heading in there and I heard him screaming, so…”

“Ouma-kun was about to slit his own throat with a knife when one of the nurses walked in and alerted the rest of us. We had to sedate him, and I’m on my way to get a stretcher so we can bring him to the emergency room.”

“Shit, I’m sorry for interrupting you! Just, uh… Take good care of him, okay?” Momota replied.

The nurse nodded in response and headed to get a stretcher for Ouma.

-------

When Ouma awoke, he found himself in a room that he was completely unfamiliar with. At first, he assumed he was in his own hospital room, but then he remembered what happened. His memories were fuzzy, but he vaguely remembered being carried here on a stretcher after being injected with a sedative in his previous hospital room. Now, he had no idea where he was.

“Ah, Ouma-kun, you’re awake!” A nurse with a clipboard said cheerfully as she entered the room.

“Where am I?” he looked around once more for good measure, but he had concluded that this definitely wasn’t his previous hospital room.

“You’re in the emergency room. You gave us all quite a scare with that stunt you tried to pull before!” the nurse was unusually upbeat, most likely because she wanted to put Ouma at ease. But instead, it had the opposite effect, making him feel on edge at her out of place attitude.

She pulled over a chair and sat next to the bed that Ouma was situated in. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have to ask you a few questions, okay?”

Ouma nodded.

“Do you know why you’re in the emergency room?” she asked.

“No shit.” he replied curtly.

The nurse continued without missing a beat after writing something down on the paper on her clipboard. “What did you do to end up in the emergency room?”

Ouma rolled his eyes. Both him and the nurse knew why he was in here. Was it really necessary to ask him that?

“Like you don’t already know.” he spat.

“Ouma-kun, please… it’s just protocol.” the nurse said with a sad smile on her face.

Ouma sighed. “...I tried to kill myself.”

The nurse continued writing on her clipboard before continuing to ask him a series of repetitive questions about why he tried to kill himself. Ouma found himself rolling his eyes at every question the nurse asked, not seeing the point in asking him things that both of them already knew.

“Alright, that’s it! The therapist will be coming in shortly to talk to you about what happened. Try and relax until then, okay?” the nurse reassured him before exiting the room.

Once he was alone, Ouma found himself recollecting the events that led him here. He clearly recalled Harukawa threatening him in the dining hall, as well as bringing the knife back to his room with him. His memories after that point were fuzzy, but he still remembered crying as he brought the knife to his throat and then kicking and screaming as he was sedated by the nurses. After that, he woke up in the emergency room, leading him to where he was now.

Looking around the room, he noticed that there weren’t any windows, eliminating the possibility of him jumping out of one and ending his life that way. His grip on the blankets of the hospital bed tightened. Why couldn’t he just die already? It’s not like anyone wanted him here anyway.

His thoughts were interrupted by someone knocking on the door and then entering the room.

“Good afternoon, Ouma-kun.” Another lady with a clipboard greeted him. At this point, there was no telling any of them apart. “From this point forward, I will be your personal therapist provided by Team Danganronpa.” Ugh, just hearing the word “Danganronpa” made his stomach lurch. This therapist probably didn’t give two shits about him anyway. Not like he even needed a therapist, Ouma thought; He was perfectly capable of handling his problems by himself.

And if being perfectly capable of handling his problems meant trying to slit his own throat, then Ouma was 100% correct. However, Ouma was much more transparent than he wanted to be in this regard; The nurses, as well as his former “classmates”, knew that he needed help. After all, they all needed help coping after experiencing the killing game. But Ouma was the only one in still denial, insisting on handling everything by himself.

He didn’t bother to greet the therapist, opting to just sit there ruminating in his own thoughts.

“Do you know why I’m here to talk to you?”

Oh my god not this bullshit again. Ouma rolled his eyes into another dimension.

The therapist just chuckled.

“Don’t worry, I’m not only here because of the suicide incident. All participants of Danganronpa are required to see a personal therapist, so I would’ve had to talk to you eventually anyway.” The therapist paused for a second before continuing at the lack of a response from Ouma. “So, how are you feeling?”

“Peachy.”

“Why don’t we talk about what happened today?

“...”

“Harukawa-san threatened you in the dining hall, correct? How did that make you feel?”

“Shitty.”

“And why is that?”

“...Huh?”

“For example, many patients who attempt suicide after participating in Danganronpa do so because they feel unwanted by their peers after the actions they took in-game. Do you think that applies to you?”

Ouma just glared at her. How dare she attempt to read him as if he were an open book!

The therapist sighed before writing something down on her clipboard.

“Well, Ouma-kun?”

He had to bite down on his tongue to prevent himself from lashing out at her.

“...Sure. If that’s how you want to explain it then go ahead.”

“Ouma-kun.” she set aside her clipboard to gaze intently into his eyes. “I understand that this is difficult for you, especially after all the walls that you built around yourself during the killing game. But you have to understand that-”

“I don’t have to understand shit!” he shouted, slamming his fists on the bed.

“Ouma-kun… if you continue to be uncooperative, you won’t gain anything out of these therapy sessions. Don’t you want to feel better about yourself and get along with your classmates?”

Ouma turned himself around in his bed, facing the other direction.

“...I’ll leave you alone for now, I suppose.” The therapist picked up her clipboard and exited the room.

When he was sure he was alone, Ouma began to cry to himself. Damn that stupid therapist for thinking she can get a read on him! No one was supposed to be able to do that, not even the Ultimate Detective himself! Well, the former Ultimate Detective, because apparently not even their talents were real.

Ouma wanted nothing more than to rid this world of himself. The only other alternative to that would be to exit this hospital and never see any of his former classmates again, but since all of his memories were fabricated by Team Danganronpa, he had no real family or friends to turn to. Thus, the only viable solution to his suffering was to kill himself.

You’re just a fucking failure. Look at you, you couldn’t even succeed in fucking killing yourself. How pathetic. No wonder your plan in the killing game failed.

Pulling the covers of the blanket over his head, Ouma closed his eyes and cried, trying to will himself to go to sleep.

-------

“Please! Even if it’s only for a few minutes, just let me talk to him!”

“I understand why you’re concerned, Momota-kun…” the nurse replied. “But I think it’s better for Ouma-kun to rest for now.”

The nurse turned to walk away, but Momota impulsively grabbed onto her arm to stop her.

“You don’t understand! Ouma, he…” Momota averted his gaze, clenching and unclenching his fists. “I’m the only one who can get through to him. I talked to him in the hangar without that mask of his on, I’m the only one who he can have a serious conversation with. Just please let me talk to him.”

“Fine, just… be careful with him.” The nurse said begrudgingly. “He’s highly unstable and hasn’t been responding to therapy very well, so who knows if he’ll open up to you…”

“Don’t worry about it! Leave it to Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars!” he pounded his fists together, flashing his signature determined smile.

The nurse smiled at him. “Good luck, Momota-kun!”

Momota made his way to the emergency room that he was told Ouma was in and knocked on the door.

-------

Ouma was mid-nap when he heard a knock on the door, waking him from his slumber. He sat up and sighed to himself, not wanting to have to talk to a nurse or his therapist again. When the knocking didn’t cease, he pushed himself off the bed and answered the door himself.

“...Momota-chan?”

[icarus-suraki]

12, 46, 119 :)

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

In no particular order...

The Banjo Beat Yeah, I know it's a meme staple, but it's got the kind of sound I love and how cool would a bellydance choreography look to this?

Little Dark Age (slowed) Yes, I first heard this in one of the Angels & Demons tiktok compilations and I loved it, shut up. I love the 80s goth energy in the video too. Like, it just hits the spot, you know?

Tick.Tock.Magical.Idol.Time  Because sometimes you just gotta find a happy place, okay? If there's ever a lipsynch or idol show at a convention, this is gonna be what I perform in my cute cyclops kigurumi mask. Absolutely. (The Pripara animes got me through a very long winter a few years ago. I'd literally get up earlier than I needed so I could see the latest clips after a new episode aired before I went to work lol. And, yes, I love Yui, but Lalaa is best girl. They get to perform together, though.)

Lots of Zenbukimi and Not Secured,Loose Ends songs lately. I'll throw these here for an example: "Loud Asymmetry" and "独白園" ["Garden Monologue" or "Monologue Garden"?]. I have a whole YT playlist, lol. I'm kind of fascinated by the whole "underground idol" phenomenon and the CodomoMental label groups because they're both idols and anti-idols, which is kind of an interesting conflict within "idol-style" music in Japan...

Superman This is what I use for my alarm every morning in the hopes that high energy ska-punk will make me get up. It doesn't always work, but I like the song anyway. I've been on a real ska and ska-punk streak lately.

46. What are you paranoid about?

On the one hand, as a Thomas Pynchon fan, who has major themes of paranoia in, uh, all of his books, I have to laugh. But, at the same time, I'm so much less paranoid than I used to be. I put this down to my medications. In the past, wow, I've been paranoid about, uh, everything?

I think I'm kind of weak willed because any kind of "world's gonna end on x date" thing would send me into multi-day panic attacks. Nostradamus, obscure and dubious prophecies, biblical interpretations, Book of Revelations, political stuff, anything. I'd find myself believing all kinds of irrational things but not feeling like I could do anything about it (I mention this in particular because it’s markedly different from the Q-Anon fandom that is determined to Do Something about what they believe is happening; I felt informed but helpless, like there was an air raid siren blaring but nowhere to go and no shelter to be had, only inevitable destruction needling down from the clear blue sky). Like, all these terrible things are going to happen to us all and there's nothing we can do about it. Biblical stuff would always set me off in a major, major way. I'm rather proud I can shake off all the people talking about microchips in vaccines because a few years ago I would have been panicking about whether that was true and what the ramifications would be because, obviously, there was no way to get out of this inevitable fate or possible damnation and maybe it was the Mark of the Beast so what does that mean? Are there going to be people starving outside grocery stores now? Was xyz event really a sign? How much are we going to suffer??? What if I'm not good enough for God?????? Lots of religious anxiety in my past, as you can see. And some still, to be honest.

Yeah, it sucked. Glad I got most of that anxiety sorted before 2020 lol. (I sometimes think I could use a bit of anxiety because now I'll do dumb shit without fear because, eh, who cares? So I may have swung too far in the opposite direction.)

119. Favourite book? It's a three-way tie, baybee!

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury: I wrote a bang-up college admissions essay on this book and why it's not actually about censorship (as is usually but incorrectly taught) but rather about a disinterest in books/reading or an anxiety about the intense emotions that reading can bring out in the reader and I want to major in English so please let me come to your school to do that. And, guess what? They did. I read this book and then I felt feverish for, like, a week after. That's how hard it hit me, especially surrounded by high school classmates who really didn't care about school or reading or anything. It was like "fuck, this is too close to possible!" Anyway, it's still not about censorship.

Ulysses by James Joyce: This book, this thing, has such a reputation of being Evil and Dirty. So I read it. Fuck it, why not? Actually, I had been assigned some stories out of Dubliners to read over the Thanksgiving break my freshman year and I was kind of like "why the fuck did no one ever tell me to read these before now?" So I went and read Portrait of the Artist. N.B.: I think I was ~18 or 19 at the time and that thing hit me like not just a ton of bricks but about six tons of bricks. Like, I know I'm part of the .05% of people who actually like The Catcher in the Rye, but I think that's because I read it when I was ~15 or 16, because I was the ideal age and in the ideal mindset to read it. (The older I get, the more I identify with Holden's teacher, Mr. Spencer, who essentially tells Holden that if you can just hang on, I promise it gets better and you can do the shit you want really soon. But I also know how badly that would have gone over with my 16 year-old self, so...) So, anyway, in internet parlance, I realized I was kin with Stephen Dedalus, right? The only natural next step after PotA was Ulysses, since that picks up after PotA, so I just jumped into that with a copy from the used bookstore and separate annotation book from my school's library. And, o my fuck, Jim, you fucko, how did you do this? Like "I'm gonna create so many references and so many layers that you're going to have fun picking at this for years." And he was right! I have never been to Dublin but I can navigate the older parts of the city thanks to this dirty, profane, vulgar, obscene piece of literature lmao. I finished it the first time when I was almost 22, Stephen's age in the book. I went to Europe that summer, 2004, which was 100 years after the events in the book (1904) and intended to play at being Stephen, but that shit did not work out as planned and ended up being more accurate to canon than expected: i.e. everything was terrible and I suffered very artistically. I had planned on going to Ireland this year, because I turned 38 this year, Leopold Bloom's age in the book. 2020 wasn't having it. So maybe 2021? Or maybe 2022, the anniversary of its publication. This thing hangs in the background for me constantly and it's like the most amazing running joke in my life. I dressed up as Stephen for Halloween in 2004 too. Just sayin’.

Gravity's Rainbow: When I was working at a major chain bookstore immediately after college, it was retail hell and I was extremely depressed and everything sucked. I had no direction, no plan, no nothing. I kind of wanted to go get a PhD in English, though. So I started using my employee's discount to buy and read all the books that everyone seemed to talk about but had never read. Among those was Gravity's Rainbow, which was a title that intrigued me but I had no idea what it was "about." And saying what it's "about" isn't all that easy but that's kind of not the point. Just know that it's a dirty little book about sex and rockets. The point is the fuckery that our boy Tom Pynchon does with words and language and imagery and little winking references to things. I fucking love it. It's like, yeah. It's set during World War II and immediately after and it's bonkers and the author wrote most of it while very, very high. I went on and read the rest of his books (The Crying of Lot 49 is pretty much tied with GR for my affections; I would cosplay a theatrical interpretation of a Tristero courier if I ever had the opportunity) and bought Against the Day literally on the day it came out because I had become that much of a dork. (I also read Finnegans Wake about this time, which I also really love, a fact which really unsettles some people.)

Why can’t I be normal? I have no idea. I blame my past and my proclivities. 

Ask me stuff! Put question in, get blathering out!

[pandawritespoorly]

With Time: Chapter 12 - Coolest Dad

Author’s Note: Double update, like I said! I'll be back Saturday as usual, though. Reference slide for akuma here! 

Chapter Summary: Ladybug deals with an akuma at Marinette's new school.

First | Previous | Saturday

Marinette woke up much later than normal. She could immediately tell that her fever had gone down some. Her memories of the day before were hazy at best, but she was pretty sure Allan, Claude, Allegra, Felix, and Adrien had come over. Maybe Chat Noir too? 

Her parents had clearly decided to allow her to stay home from school, which was probably for the best. She sat up, drawing the attention of her Kwami.

“Marinette! You’re awake! How are you feeling?” Tikki flitted up to her face.

“Uh, a little tired? But I think that’s just from the cold…”

Tikki handed her a thermometer so she could check her temperature. As they waited for the reading, Tikki crossed her arms and looked at her disapprovingly, “Marinette, you overworked yourself on Saturday. You probably gave yourself a fever. You have to take care of yourself more!”

The thermometer beeped and Marinette looked at it, 37.7 (100℉). Her fever wasn’t as serious now. That and the heaters that seemed to have been set up probably contributed to the fact that she is lucid now.

When did the heaters get set up?

“Speaking of taking care of yourself…” Tikki draws the girls attention back to her, “Chat Noir told me what you said when you got hit.” Her voice is serious.

“W-what did I say…” How much of a disappointment did she end up being?

“A bunch of nonsense, that’s what! Marinette you are a wonderful and talented girl who deserves every opportunity you’ve gotten! How long have you felt like this?”

“L-like what?”

“Oh Marinette. You called yourself useless. You said all your old friends treated you the way you deserve and are right to hate you. That’s not okay Marinette.”

“O-oh.” Marinette had been dedicated the past few weeks to committing those things into her mind as fact. Tikki might as well have been trying to convince her that 2+2=5. Something just doesn’t add up. “But-”

“Marinette. None of that is true. None of it. I think you should talk to someone.”

“But they can’t know about Ladybug…”

“You still need help.”

“It feels wrong to keep something like that from a therapist. They’re supposed to know everything right? I don’t like the feeling of it…”

“Alright. If you don’t feel comfortable with therapy at least speak to your friends. They care about you.”

“I don’t know…”

Their conversation is interrupted when Sabine opens the trapdoor carrying a tray with a small lunch of soup and water - with some cookies because her parents have noticed her sudden hunger for the treat. Tikki hides behind a pillow.

“Hey sweetie, are you awake?”

“Yeah. Uh, what time is it?”

“Time for you to eat lunch. What’s your temperature? You were pretty out of it yesterday. Your friends were really worried about you.”

“37.7 (100℉).” Marinette accepts the tray, setting it safely on a flat surface. She hears a ‘ding’ from below. Her Maman looks over to her desk. 

“Oh, you’ve got messages from your friends! Here!” She handed the phone up as well, “It’s good that your temperature has gone down. Be sure to eat!”

When she’s exited the room, Tikki floats back into view, looking at the phone, she gives Marinette a meaningful look, “You should talk to your friends!”

She floats to sit beside the bowl of soup on the tray. She munches on a cookie and watches the girl.

“Okay…” She opens her phone. There hadn’t been much activity in their group chat because it was a school day. Beneath Claude’s good morning text was another message from the actor. Another appeared just as she opened the chat.

 Kid Mime: hey mari are you up yet

Kid Mime: its fine if ur not but we misssss uuuuuu

 Patisserie Princess: I’m up

 Kid Mime: yayyyyyy!!!!!!!!

Kid Mime: allan sayd to ask wat ur temp is

 Patisserie Princess: 37.7 (100℉)

 Kid Mime: thats better! 

Kid Mime: hey can we facetime? Itll be easier

Kid Mime: neither of us can eat if were typin

 That’s a good point. She’s got nothing against it, but maybe she should warn Tikki.

“Hey Tikki, I’m going to facetime them. Is that alright?” “It’s okay Marinette. I won’t show up on camera and they won’t be able to hear me either!”

Right. She’d forgotten about that. She nods, and starts a call. It doesn’t take long for Claude to pick up. She props her phone up so that she doesn’t have to hold it.

“Yay! Hi Mari! Alright I’m at the table now, so I’m going to prop- oh no you fell over - okay there you are!” 

The camera clears as Claude moves back. She can see Felix and Allan there too, Allegra is probably still in line.

“Hi guys!” She waves at them in view of the camera.

“Hi! How are you feeling?” Allan sounds concerned, which, given what had happened last he’d seen her, made sense.

“Uh, a little better. I’ve got food, and the fever isn’t as bad as yesterday. I’m a little tired but that’s normal.”

Allegra arrives at the table halfway through her talking and waves at her when she notices the girl.

“What do you mean by that? I recall Adrien mentioned something similar yesterday, but did not have a lot of information.” Felix looks up questioningly from his lunch.

“Oh yeah. I meant to tell you guys when it became more relevant, but uh, then I kind of overworked all my stamina away? Heh. Basically, last year I got diagnosed with a ‘yet-to-be-identified’ medical condition’” She scoffs at the air-quoted words, and the others get the distinct feeling that there’s an inside joke that they’re missing, “The general gist of it is that my body tries to go into hibernation? I get hungrier in the fall and once it gets around November I get really tired - the colder and later into winter the worse it is - and forget to eat and stuff.”

The others look a little alarmed at this and she quickly adds on,”I mean, it’s really not that dangerous for me. As long as I have food I uh, generally remember. And the tiredness isn’t really a problem as long as I stay warm. I probably won’t actually hibernate unless I fall into a snowdrift or something-”

Just as she finishes speaking a school bell rings. It’s from Françoise Dupont, and it’s a reminder of the consequences of staying home today. She tenses immediately, thinking of all of her old classmates who are right there. Right across the street and heading out for lunch. They’re probably with Lila and-

“What would happen then?” Allegra’s voice draws her back. She blinks as she jolts out of her thoughts.

“W-what?” Oh, right, the snowdrift thing…”I would uh, probably just fall asleep and stay there. My parents don’t really want me to go outside alone after there’s snow on the ground.”

“Can’t blame ‘em.” Allan jumps in. So far none of them have mentioned her little ‘moment’ after the school bell. “We can keep an eye on ya’. Don’t want you to freeze.” He sounds distressed, probably at the prospect of Marinette freezing to death.

“It’s really not that likely! I’ll just be really sleepy, so I’ll probably fall asleep on at least one of you by the time winter is over - whichever of you is the warmest in the room. Sorry in advance?” She says the last part sheepishly and shrugs apologetically. She hates to think that she’ll be such a bother to them, but there isn’t much she can do. She’ll try her best to avoid it.

“It’s all good! As long as you’re not in any danger, we don’t mind!” Allan speaks again and the rest nod in agreement.

“Mariiiiii! You haven’t been eating!” Claude calls her out as he swallows some of his own food.

She smiles in apology as she brings her tray into her lap. She can see that, as Tikki reminded her, the Kwami doesn’t show up on camera. Her phone dings as she sits back. Squinting at it as she reads, she flips it away. 

“Adrien says he can’t get away, so he won’t be joining us. Uh, do you guys still need his number?” She looks at them questioningly as she starts on her soup.

“Nope!” Claude chirps, “I got it yesterday!” The others give him some odd looks, but she brushes them off. It probably doesn’t matter.

“Yeah, sorry about yesterday. I don’t really remember much. I know you guys came over - I think?”

“Yeah, Adrien thought we should check on you because it was November, and when we got to your place you were pretty out-of-it.”

“You didn’t like we were interrupting your sleep, it took some convincing to get you to actually drink something.”

“Are the heaters set up now? I recall that we did not do so because Allan feared it may cause you to be too hot.”

She nods, though she isn’t entirely sure when that happened. Maybe her parents? Her fevered mind clearly didn’t think it was important enough information to remember.

Their conversation continues as they all eat theirs lunches together. After a little bit she starts to droop. It’s a clear reminder that she isn’t entirely recovered, and that winter is on it’s way.

She doesn’t plan on saying anything because it would be rude to cut off the conversation. Marinette tries her best to seem alert, but the others aren’t fooled.

“‘Nettie, you doin’ okay? You’re looking a little sleepy there.” Allan smiles at her, cocking his head.

She shrugs and any words she was going to say get cut off by a yawn. She blushes.

“We’re going to let you go now. You need some rest.” Allegra flutters her fingers at the camera.

“Rest well my priceless pigtailed pal!” The group waves as the call ends.

Tikki floats up to her,”Marinette, I know you’re tired but you can’t sleep with the tray on your lap.”

“...right” She moves it safely away before she lays down again. It doesn’t take long for her to doze off.

 ---

 Marinette manages to arrive at school the next day at a reasonable time. She gets to their regular spot in the library and lays her head on the table. The only problem with so many heaters in her room is that it makes the outside seem that much colder, especially when she’s still got a (very) slight fever. She isn’t in her heaviest winter gear because she doesn’t want to seem weird and it’s only November anyways, she’ll manage. Her mom gave her a doctor’s note to show all her teachers to remind them of her ‘condition’.

Honestly the most annoying part of it not being that cold is that she feels tired, but she isn’t sleepy to the point where she can actually sleep. She just feels like she didn’t get enough sleep, even though she spent plenty of yesterday resting.

“Oh my good golly gosh, did Marinette beat us to school?” She hears Claude as he approaches the table and forces herself up to look at him.

“Hi guys.” She can’t muster up the energy to add in the appropriate excitement. Maybe they won’t hate her if she’s still friendly. They put up with her through September…

“How are ya’? I wasn’t sure we’d see you today.” Allan sits at his usual spot and the rest follow suit.

“Yeah. I’m basically back to normal. Just tired.”

“It is good that your fever seems to have passed.” Felix says as he gets out his book as usual.

“It is good to have you back!” Claude gives her an excited hug. He glances at Allegra who is finishing her math homework, “Hey, why do you think math books are so sad?”

Marinette is too tired to try and stop him, but Allegra glances up. 

“Don’t you da-”

“Because they have so many problems!” He finishes excitedly, giving no heed to Allegra’s pleading.

Allegra drops her head onto the table and sighs heavily. Felix pats her on the back consolingly.

“Did you hear about that guy who got his left side cut off?”

Marinette sighs. At least when she was feverish she couldn’t remember the puns.

“He’s all right now!”

“Claude.” Allegra pleads, “I can’t do homework in the midst of this.”

“What gender pronouns do you use for chocolate bars? Her/she!”

“Marinette I’m sorry that you had to return to this. There’s no end to his madness.” Allegra has yet to remove her head from the table. Claude’s grin only continues to grow. Allan is smiling as he watches. Felix is focusing intensely on his book.

“Ah, ‘legra. Look on the bright side. At least your music class is your last hour.”

The braided blonde finally sits up and glares at him suspiciously.

“That way you can end your day on a high note!” Claude’s looks at her, the pinnacle of innocence.

“No. Nope. I’m done.” She pushes herself up and packs up quickly. Felix glances at his watch and follows suit, “It’s close enough to first hour. Come on Mari, let’s leave these crazies to their insanity.”

“Let’s.” Marinette pushes herself out of her seat, and waves as they leave the library.

 ---

 Allan and Marinette arrive at the lunch room together and claim the group’s usual table. Felix joins soon after.

“Greetings my great, glorious, and grand group!” Claude and Allegra arrive together, taking their seats.

“Please spare us the puns.”

“We’ll see…”

Marinette is about to say something when something catches her eye. There seems to be a girl in a heated argument with her father. She turns from him and returns to her seat, but that’s not what drew her eye initially. She could have sworn she saw…

There.

A purple butterfly floats near the man’s head. Before she can say anything, it makes contact with his glasses.

Marinette stands immediately, drawing the attention of her group.

“Is everything o-”

“Ineedtogonowbye!” With that rushed excuse she hurries off to be out of sight. As she transforms she hears the screams as people realize what has happened. She sends a text to her partner and heads to the roof to await his arrival. It would be strange for Ladybug to show up so soon, especially when there had never been an attack here before. 

It would also be for the best. Akumas in smaller spaces could be extra difficult, especially when the duo didn’t know anything about their powers. It may be for the best to just wait for Chat Noir.

“Hey Bug!” Speak of the devil, here’s her partner. He seems tenser than usual. Probably because the last time they’d spoke- no, that isn’t for Ladybug, that’s for Marinette. Ladybug doesn’t need to feel.

“Hey Chat, I haven’t seen much of the akuma yet. I figured it would be best to wait for you-”

An explosion shakes the building they’re standing on. They meet each other’s eyes and move to enter the building. When an akuma causes damage they prefer to finish it quickly to lessen any risk of injury.

They arrive in the mostly empty cafeteria to see a hole blown in the wall and a few… interestingly dressed stragglers wandering about. Some have leaked out into the street. The akuma is in another part of the school, they can hear his voice echoing down the halls and follow the sound. Soon enough, they find him.

The man Marinette saw earlier has doubled in height, and has had an extreme outfit change. He’s donned an oversized hoodie covered in various emoji prints. He’s wearing rainbow tie-dye converse shoes that double as pants and seem to be denim. There are rips in various places up the pants but the lace cross over them, tying near his hips. On top of the shoe-pants he’s wearing Shrek crocs, and is wandering around on a gold light-up hoverboard. Around his neck is a glowing set of headphones with lights and animal ears. He’s got airpods in and pizza hat on his head. He’s wearing oversized glowing neon shutter shades that shift between different colors - much like the other light-up pieces of his ensemble. The source of the explosion becomes clear when he makes finger guns at the wall and an emoji shoots out and explodes it easily.

They remain some distance away, and he hasn’t noticed them yet. Ladybug sighs tiredly, she almost wants to cry looking at this mess, “Sometimes I wish Hawkmoth was some sort of fashion designer because these designs are just…they’re honestly almost the worst part of this.”

“My eyes.” Chat stares, “As a teenager, I don’t know if I should appreciate the effort or feel insulted someone thinks that is an accurate summary of my age group.”

The emojis that are being used as projectiles don’t just get rid of walls though. Ladybug and Chat Noir watch as an unfortunate student get hit by a fire emoji and and gains the akuma’s ridiculous sunglasses. He announces he must go hunt for ‘pokey-mans’ and heads off, passing a group of bottle flippers.

A teacher gets hit and gets an even worse makeover. She gains ripped jeans and a black hoodie that says ‘I didn’t choose the dank meme life, the dank meme life chose me’ and has a dabbing hot dog on it. She has the same headphones as the main akuma but is actually wearing them on her ears. There’s a golden light-up fidget spinner in each of her hands, matching the gold light-up heelys on her feet. Some of the affected students notice her and begin following her around.

“We must stop this.” Ladybug nods at her partner’s statement, immediately moving to get the akuma’s attention.

“Ah! Ladybug and Chat Noir my broskis!!!! It’d be very dank of you to hand over those swag miraculouses you’ve got!!!1!”

“Sir-”

“Why so formal??? I’m the Coolest Dad - so lit!!! No need to call me anything but your bestest bro!!1!” he gestures around him, “Look at all these Cool Dudes!!! Aren’t they sooo hip with the kids now?? IKR!!! So great! Look at all these savage Broskis, so happy to have people who understand!!” 

“Oh dear Kwami what is this?”

“Anyways, if it’s all good with you fam, I’m just going to be on my way!!!” a purple butterfly mask appears over his face, “Nah, chill my mothy pal!! These hip teens will get with the program eventually! It’d be very uncool of me to take from them!!! I can get you your Gucci jewels in a moment!!!! For now I’m going to spread this fetch coolness around Paris!!!! #SquadGoals!!!1!!1”

As he rolls away they hear, “Paris will be the fleekest city around!!!”

“Uh, Is that it…?” Chat Noir turns to her.

“Yeah. I think so.” Ladybug hops down to the ground, looking around. There are several ‘Broski’s around, and some ‘Cool Dude’s. She sees a few dabbing and doing Fortnite dances and turns to see if there’s any civilians left in the area.

“Ladybug…?” She turns at the voice, beside her Chat seems to relax.

Allegra stands in the doorway of a classroom, she’s glancing around nervously, but when she can’t see the Coolest Dad she decides to take a few steps toward the heroes. Behind her are Allan, Felix, and Claude. Chat seems to look at the doorway as if waiting for another person. His worry returns.

“Yes? Is everything alright?”

Allegra nods, leading the duo back to the classroom. Inside are several students and staff, hiding from the akuma.

“We helped all of these people to hide, and we were wondering if it’s safe for them to come out now.”

“It is, though the akuma is still around the school, so it would be best to stay close to a hiding spot.” Ladybug assures her. Chat keeps glancing around at those in the room, seemingly checking for something.

“But, actually we had another question. Our friend disappeared just before the attack and we were wondering if you’d seen her.” The worry of the group is clear and Ladybug wonders who they’re talking about. Marinette didn’t see anyone else when she was sitting with them.

Claude speaks up, “Her name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng. I’ve only known her for a few months, but I’ve already fallen deep in platonic love for her!” His usual theatrics do nothing to hide his clear anxiety over- wait.

She’s their friend?!

They considered her their-

Focus.

Chat has stiffened beside her, and she jumps in before he promises to find the ‘damsel in distress’,”I’m sure she is fine. After the cure you can find her.”

“She’s hasn’t been answering her phone. We just don’t know if she’s ever been in an akuma attack before.”

“Oh, she has, though I typically don’t see her much.” She really doesn’t want them to be worried about her alter ego. How can she reassure them? “If I recall correctly, she went on a date with an akuma once so I’m sure she is perfectly capable-”

“She what?!” Allan speaks for the first time.

“Wait you know her?” Allegra sounds surprise. Ladybug doesn’t know how to explain, but Chat helps her out.

“Oh that class…” He has a point. Even if she hadn’t been a student in it, her old class has a concerningly high rate of akumatizitions. The school as a whole really, “My partner is correct. Ma- Ms. Dupain-Cheng is a perfectly capable individual, I’m sure she’s fine She took over City Hall one time, so I trust she’s safe.” He sounds as though he’s trying to convince himself along with the group.

Yelling is heard near the front of the school, “I’m sorry miss, but we have to go now.”

They nod uneasily, and the heroes jump away. At the front of the school the Coolest Dad is shooting emojis at several passer-bys. Alya has arrived, but remains out of sight.

When the akuma notices them, “Sup my dudes!! I have got to ask, have you seen my hip daughter??? I wanted to show her how swank I am!!!!”

“No, uh, we haven’t

“Well let me know if you do!!! I’m like high key worried, and that’s the tea!1!!!”

“Oh I forgot how bad it was…” Chat looks so done already, and this akuma hasn’t even been around an hour.

“I will just have to finesse my search!!!! I feel so uber-not-blessed with her missing!!! I wish she hadn’t yeeted away!!1!!”

As he rolls away, Ladybug is suddenly struck with an idea. She catches up to him, grabbing his attention.

“Uh, actually, TBH, my dude-” The akuma looks to her patiently.

“Oh Bugaboo not you too. Please.”

“-I was thinking that your glasses were just so lit. They’re, uh, so swag my guy, could I maybe get a lit-er look at those, um, dope shades? It’d be very chill of you...”

The man looks delighted, and takes them off and sets them near her. Chat lands nearby, not wanting to leave his partner alone so close to an akuma. 

Up close they’re nearly blinding, and Ladybug avoids looking at the Akuma’s face, fearing what his eyes may look like under the glasses. Turning slightly to her partner, she hisses, “Chat, now!”

He nods, and before the akuma can do anything, he rushes forward touching the shades, “Cataclysm!”

A butterfly is released, and Ladybug wastes no time in purifying it.

“Miraculous Ladybug!” 

As the Ladybugs wash over the city, Ladybug hears a call of “Ladybug! Care for an interview?” The voice says more, but Ladybug can’t hear.

Alya. No no no.

Not here. She’s not supposed to be here.

This is where Marinette came to get away from her.

No no no nononono…

Chat’s ring beeps, bringing her back to reality. The two fist bump quickly, and leave to detransform. Ladybug doesn’t see where Chat goes, solely focusing on getting back to her school. 

To her friends.

She lands in an alley, and after a minute of making sure there is no one around, she speaks, “Tikki, spots off!”

The Kwami groans, landing in her purse to eat a cookie. Marinette spots her group and is about to join them when she sees her. 

It’s not really a surprise, she knew Alya was here, but she didn't know that Alya isn’t alone. She brought her.

She brought Lila.

The pair are talking with her new friends and nonononono. Now they’ll like Lila too. They’ll turn on her too. She’ll be alone again, she’ll have to leave, just as she was adjusting. Oh they’ll hate her, they’ll hate her.

They hate her, they hate her, they hate her nonononononono.

 ---

 Adrien is standing in Chat Noir’s place. He knows he’s not allowed to miss school and should really be on his way back, but he needs to check on Marinette.

It was worrying enough to have Ladybug tell him that there was an akuma here, but then he saw Alya, and she brought Lila.

She probably thinks bringing the heroine’s ‘best friend’ will land her an interview.

If either of them see Marinette here- oh he hates to think what will happen.

Just when things were looking up for her too. If only her new friends knew what happened, this wouldn’t be so bad. He understands why she doesn’t want to tell them, but he wants her to realize that they care about her and won’t be upset at her for what happened.

“...but actually we’re looking for out friend-” He hears Allegra talking as he approaches the front of the school.

“Come on! Just a quick interview! A first-hand account of Ladybug’s first battle here!”

“No, we’d like to find our friend.” 

“What’s her name? I used to work with an international search and rescue group, I could help!” 

Before any of them can answer that question, he hops in, “Alya, Lila! I didn’t think you’d be out of school.”

He can see the confusion of Allegra, Allan, Claude, and Felix. They have no idea what he’s doing over here in the middle of the school day. Lila and Alya on the other hand look delighted. Lila latches onto his arm as usual, he stiffens slightly, but she only continues to hang off of him. Allegra’s eyes narrow.

“Adrien, what are you doing here? I thought you had a photoshoot?”

“It was in the area - got canceled ‘cause of the akuma attack.” He scratches the back of his neck. Lila rests her head on his shoulder.

Out of the corner of his eye he spots Marinette and oh she’s seen Alya and Lila. She looks like she’s having an attack. He can’t do anything without alerting the girls in question, but she is not okay.

“Well, if you’re out of school then you can hang out with us!” Alya seems delighted by this stroke of brilliance, ��Nino can skip and we can all go on a double date!”

“Doesn’t that imply that I’m bringing a date?” Adrien knows where this is going.

“She means me, silly!” Lila giggles and runs her hand through his hair.

“Lila, for the last time, we’re not dating-” He tries to pull away, but she’s got an iron grip on his arm.

“Sureee, lover-boy~” Alya winks at him, dragging them away. 

He manages to extract himself and sends a couple texts to the OMMAM chat, before excusing himself and heading back to school. He hopes Marinette will be okay.

 ---

 Allegra is seething beside him, “Did you see how she was clinging to him?! Who does she think she is?! He was so clearly uncomfortable! Ugh that little-” Claude drowns out her angry muttering when his phone dings.

 Adrien: You guys need to check on Marinette.

Adrien: Now.

 He sees that the others have noticed the message. They’re looking at each other in confusion, worry clear. What’s happened?

“Oh dear, look.” Allan is the first to see the girl. Claude turns to where he points, his heart stops when he finally spots her.

The girl is crouched in an alley, her hands digging into her scalp, and breathing erratically. He could see her tears from here. The akuma attack hadn’t been that long, but in the time they’d been separated something had happened. 

They all rushed to her immediately, crouching by her side.

“Marinette, hey, can you hear me?” Allan speaks clearly, gently resting a hand on her shoulder.

To their surprise, she reacts immediately, looking at all of them panicked.

“I’m so sorry!” 

“What?”

“I don’t know what she said, I don’t know what she told you-”

“Marinette, hey-”

“Just- just- just- tell me and I’ll-I’ll-I’ll”

“Just breathe with me okay?”

“Marinette, we don’t know what you mean dear. Everything’s okay.”

“I’ll find sources, I’ll back it up this time, I’ll-I’ll I’ll call Jagged, please believe me-”

“Marinette-”

“Please, oh no no nononono.” She covers her eyes with her hands, finally breaking her frantic eye contact. Curling into herself tighter, “Oh please, not again, not again no no no-”

Her nails are digging into her skin, and Claude worries she’ll draw blood, but she doesn’t even seem to worry. She entirely distracted by whatever has consumed her.

“Marinette!” Allan stresses her name, gently trying to take her hands off her face before she hurts herself too bad. She doesn’t even notice what she’s doing, “Marinette, listen, it’s alright, just breathe okay? Do it with me…” 

Marinette doesn’t seem to notice initially, but eventually her breathing evens out. She looks around at them tearily, wiping at her face. She opens her mouth, but Claude beats her to it.

“Don’t apologize Mari. You were upset, nothing’s wrong with that.”

“But-”

Allegra hugs her gently, “No. No buts. It’s okay to be upset.”

But she’s a hero. A hero who fights akumas. Being upset means failing.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Talk about it? Then they’d know. She wants to trust that they’ll believe her, but that’s what she did last time. They don’t hate her currently, so she shouldn’t do anything to risk changing that. She shakes her head.

She feels her purse move strangely at her side. It’s subtle enough that she isn’t worried that they noticed, but when she hears a tiny cough she begins worrying for Tikki.

“Could I, uh, have a moment? I need to, um, call someone?” They nod at her and walk a little ways away. She ducks out of sight to check on her Kwami.

She opens her purse to see Tikki curled up in an uncomfortable ball.

“Tikki? Are you okay?”

She coughs, “Sorry, Marinette, I think I’m sick again. The Revealer…” she trails off into a coughing fit.

Right. If there are consequences to Marinette overworking herself for an all-day akuma, then the same can be expected of Tikki.

“I’ll go to Fu’s…”

Tikki nods at her, quieting herself as best she can. Marinette doesn’t want to delay helping the Goddess, so she prepares herself to lie to her friends again. She hates to think what they’d say if they found out just how much she lied to them.

Stepping out of the alley, she approaches them carefully and they turn to her patiently.

“Hey Marinette. How are you doing?” Claude speaks to her attentively.

She holds up her phone, pasting on a sheepish smile, “Uh, I have to go talk with my, um… mentor? If I come back late, can you let the teacher know?”

“There is no need to rush yourself. They have cancelled the remainder of the school day due to the akuma attack. Take your time.”

“O-oh. Okay.”

“We’re going to my place now, so you can come over when you’re done!” Claude holds up his own phone, “I can text you the address again if you need it.”

“No no. I’ve got it saved.”

They say goodbye, walking in their respective directions.

---

Author’s Note: Poor Mari. So, uh, that akuma... I, uh, it's... unique? Reference slides here? Suspension of disbelief means believing a school's wifi would allow for a glitch-free facetime call. It also allows me to tweak the climate of a major city somewhat. Thanks for reading, and constructive criticism is welcomed in the comments below! See you Saturday!

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[charlie-minion]

What were the highs and lows of this year?

I didn’t do journaling on my blog this year, but I didn’t abandon my insightful nature either. I believe this year was better than last year and considerably better than 2017, so I’d like to borrow the last journal entry from last year in order to organize in my head the good and the bad of 2019.

LOWS:

I spent a long time staring at the word “lows” and trying to write something, but every time I came up with an idea, my brain provided a thought that made it seem like it really wasn’t a big deal and that it all worked out for the best, anyway. I guess my psychologist would be very proud of me right now! For instance:

I let go of some friendships and acquaintances.

After uttering this statement, I realized that this was more positive than negative because I learned to invest my time and energy wisely. I learned the importance of giving and taking in a relationship (platonic or otherwise) and the necessity of letting go of those who don’t make an effort. So, in this regard, I regret nothing.

I had another depressive episode and some serious moments of crisis.  

This is another low that turned into a high. I started to feel the decline in my mental health again at the end of June and promptly looked for help. I realized the health care system in my country does offer mental health services for free, so I went back to therapy. I had regular weekly sessions with my psychologist for 6 months, and I was properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist. They discovered I had been wrongly diagnosed with major depression the previous times I had hit rock bottom, but in reality, I’ve had bipolar disorder all this time (which makes a lot of sense, truth be told). Without that depressive episode, I wouldn’t have gone back to therapy and many of the highs of the year wouldn’t have happened.

My social service project and master’s thesis took a lot longer than I expected.

However, I can’t complain much about this because everything worked out great in the end. And the fact that my graduation was in September gave my big sister the chance to come to my country and be here with me on such a special occasion.

It took me a long time to sell the missing half of my old property.

But it was worth the wait because a friend of my mom’s bought the house and I don’t carry that burden into 2020 anymore.  

I didn’t get a job.

This isn’t true, though. I did get a job. I got a job as the vice-principal of a private school, but I decided not to sign the contract because there were things I didn’t agree with. I was offered two other jobs during the year and I just wasn’t interested in taking them. It took me some time to realize that I didn’t want to get a job because I wasn’t stable enough. I felt pressured to do so because it was expected of me as someone with both a bachelor’s and a master’s degree, but I didn’t really want to, so not getting a job was actually a good thing and the Universe knew better.

I burned the bridge with my ex-girlfriend (whether temporarily or for life).

When I broke up with my girlfriend, I didn’t do it because I didn’t care for her; I did it because I wanted to give her a chance to learn what she truly wanted. She’s still hot and cold and that’s understandable due to her age (there’s an age gap to consider between us). She kind of tried to communicate with me a few times (mostly when she needed something) and I tried to stay friends, but when she approached me a month into my depressive episode of the year, I was not in the right condition to keep playing mind games with her and decided to set very clear boundaries that would leave her out maybe for good. On the one hand, this could be one of the lows of the year, but on the other hand, I simply don’t regret a thing because I had to do what was best for me and my mental and emotional health.

Honestly, there’s not a single low this year that can’t be turned into a good thing. And I know that must have been true in the previous years as well, but I wasn’t in the right state of mind to do so.

HIGHS:

All the aforementioned things are definitely highs, but they are the result of an automatic exercise my brain did to transform something negative into something positive. My therapist spent weeks and weeks working with me on this, and I thought this was the most difficult exercise of all, so that’s why I believe she would be extremely proud of me if she saw me doing this unprompted.

Now if I want to talk specifically about the highs, I can mention:

I had a spiritual awakening on January 28th.

When my depressive episode kicked in, I started to doubt the spiritual awakening had been true. Then when I learned about my mental illness, I thought that maybe what I thought was a spiritual awakening had simply been a hypomanic episode. But the truth is that my level of consciousness shifted and there’s no denying that. I may have a serious mental illness and I may be on meds for the rest of my life, but the fact that, from January on, I’ve been very in tune with my intuition has nothing to do with all that. There’s no need to go deep into this because I don’t feel the need to talk about it or convince anyone anymore, and isn’t that even better?

I got closer to my family.

I realized that I didn’t have to turn my back on my family because not everything is black or white. They may not be perfect, but I’m not either; nobody is. So, I made peace with some relatives and got closer again to some others. I’m a lot better at setting boundaries now, so I’m not a people pleaser, but I’m not nasty either. All in all, I feel good about the fact that I may not be as alone as I thought I was.

I released the two major sources of stress I still had.

When I finished grad school and sold my house, I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t have any more papers to worry about, professors or classmates to deal with, or fees to pay. I don’t have to clean my old house or continue paying the bills. I’m finally free! And there’s no better way to start a new year and a new decade.

I got diagnosed and was given the proper treatment.

As I mentioned before, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It’s not that I’m happy about it, but I was treated incorrectly for so many fucking years, that it feels wonderful to be taken seriously for the first time in forever. I started medication in November and my psychiatrist has been really helpful. The effect of the meds has been evident! There haven’t been side effects and my brain has reacted beautifully to the treatment. It feels like I can use my rational mind now, and I can even keep it together when other people act in a threatening way (which has happened). I’m amazed at how different life feels like from this perspective. I never quite understood why people liked to be alive because all I felt on a daily basis was despair, so to me being alive used to feel like a burden rather than a blessing. It doesn’t feel that way now. I know both the meds and the changes in my life style have contributed, but I can say with 100% certainty that without the meds, I would not feel the way I do right at this time.

I look freaking fantastic!

I have lost over 80 pounds since I started exercising on March 20, 2018. I have a lot of energy and feel good about myself. It’s not just the fact that I’m not overweight anymore, though. I’m proud of myself because I’ve had the patience and discipline to do something that didn’t give me any immediate benefit. I see the results now and everyone praises me for what I’ve accomplished, but I exercised daily for over a year without seeing much of a change, and despite that, I kept going. So, this is definitely a high! I’m missing just 25 pounds to weigh what I want, and I’m confident I’ll be there soon.

I appreciate the people who are still part of my life.

I haven’t let go of every friend; I just got better at knowing when a cycle is over without taking it personally. Some people have returned to my life, and some others have left. That’s just part of life, I guess. The only thing I know is that those who remain mean a lot to me, and I’m thankful for them.

I finally learned what I want.

It was December of 2017 when my friend Kate asked me what I wanted after yet another failed suicide attempt. I couldn’t answer her question because I didn’t know; no one had ever asked me that, not even me. I’d always done what others wanted me to, or what I thought others wanted or expected from me. Last year, when I had to answer this question in my journal, I had trouble giving a straight answer. It was easier to identify what I DIDN’T want. That was progress, indeed, but still not enough. This year, I’ve continued to progress. I know what I want! I want to live as if I had already retired without feeling guilty about it. I want to feel proud about my academic accomplishments without feeling that I’m obliged to climb a professional ladder because of them. I want to have time to enjoy my hobbies and to enjoy the simplest things in life, even if I can’t eat out at fancy restaurants or buy fancy things as often as I used to. I want a humble, simplified life. And that’s exactly what I have right now!

I may not be where I thought I wanted to be 10 years ago, but at the time, I didn’t even know what I wanted. I was just acting in autopilot, following other people’s beliefs of what I should want. I’m convinced that 2020 will be an amazing year precisely because I am EXACTLY where I want to be, and if that’s not where others expected me to be, all I can say is that I don’t give a single fuck! :’D

Thank you for everything, 2019!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone, especially to those who read all of this! ♥♥ 

[firstavenue7thstentry]

GET TO KNOW: NUR-D

Ahead of Nur-D’s performance at First Avenue’s Best New Bands of 2019 in the First Avenue Mainroom on Saturday, January 25, we got to him a few questions. Read what he had to say below:

AQ Mohamud: Growing around Minneapolis, how does the city influence your music? Nur-D: The city influences my music by its very nature. Sometimes, depending on the day or the street you can be in a different atmosphere which allows for different types of musical influences. Also, real talk, the fact that we have such extreme weather on either side of the spectrum will influence stuff. We get that deep, introspective, stuck inside in a blizzard type music and also that hot, party out on the lake, dance-type music too. Then you take how both hip-hop, Americana folk, and Rock & Roll have such interconnected roots here. It just leads to a different writing style that most other places don’t really have I think.

AQ: You've mentioned how you want to dismantle toxic masculinity through your music, what is the process to that? Nur-D: Well if I could give you the foolproof 100 step plan to effectively dismantle toxic masculinity I would be a very rich dude! While I know the concept is pretty massive in scope for the purpose of this or any one interview I think a good way to start is for more male-identifying people to express their feelings of longing. I know that might sound weird but the fact that men have a need to be desired and want to be wanted is so often seen as weakness. The ability to embrace that part of yourself that wants to be seen, held, desired, cared for is not something that every man feels the safety to explore. So often because of that, they lash out in ways that are destructive for everyone in a society so often run by males. If my music can show that being vulnerable in your skin, being gentle, being teachable, and expressing complex emotion is ALSO a “manly” quality I think that helps us move in the right direction.

AQ: Favorite Netflix Original Show? Nur-D: Oh dang you’re killing me with this one! There are so many good ones. I would say that it’s probably a good 3-way tie for me with Bojack Horseman, Big Mouth, and Black Mirror.

AQ: You love comic books and other stuff that use to be considered "nerdy." How do you go about showing through your music that that genre is not nerdy at all, but fun and amazing? Nur-D: See I think that comics, manga, D&D, all that stuff is still profoundly nerdy. I don’t think my music does anything to change the fact those are pretty nerdy things. But I would like to think that my music shows that's totally awesome! You can be nerdy AND fun AND geeky AND sexy AND weird. Being odd is mainstream now. So I think it’s time to let our freak flag fly a little higher—plus it allows for people to see that you don’t have to be huddled in a dark basement to enjoy these things. You can be a nerd on a stage in front of a thousand people and it’s great.

AQ: Who deserved NBA Kia MVP in 2017? Russ or Harden? Nur-D: Harden. The states are pretty clear that, overall, he was doing the most. The spots where Russ overtook him weren’t by so much that he should have lost out to him. But Russ is a great player and I can see how he took home the gold.

AQ: Here in Minneapolis, is it safe to say that at your live shows the majority of the audience is white? Assuming yes, how does that make you feel?  Nur-D: I can say that the audience of shows that I book myself often look different then shows I find myself being booked on.  As far as how I feel about shows where the audience is mostly white...most of my time in school was in Rosemount, MN a majority white town, in a majority white school district, with majority white classmates. Every theater, choir, football game, etc. was filled with a majority of white people paying to be entertained. It’s nothing new for me when I look to see a majority of white faces in a crowd.  I could probably go on for a long time about all the different factors that make this happen. But to focus on one of the positives I can genuinely say that I am so happy that my music can bring peoples from multiple cultures together under the umbrella of shared interests and fun tunes. When I look out and see all types of people woven together I kinda feel like I am doing my part to break down the barriers that so often keep us from growing as a society.

Blog by AQ Mohamud (Marketing Intern)