#if I’m wrong about all this. then ok. still gonna assume this until it’s outright stated or shown

[lavenderjewels]

I know a lot of people joke about it but I still think nobara is alive and coming back

[aggresivelyfriendly]

Tis the Damn Season

Chapter 6- Last Christmas

Hi all! Sorry she took forever- I edited all by myself, so be gentle!

Plans change. Tickets do too, it seems. Harry's beautiful hope, his gift, it came in handy.

Not in the right way, the intended way. Not because she came to him, ran around the world or even an unfamiliar city with him. Those were dreamy ideas, when she wound up spending all of fall semester in Holmes Chapel. Those daydreams shaded the hospital walls and funeral home with sunny possibilities.

Her father had a heart attack and her mother a breakdown. It was too late, when her mother noticed he'd been out with the dog for too long and the dog was inside whining.

"I knew, in my gut. Day dawned wrong. And then never ended." She'd cried. Her mother had cried in her arms in a reversal Emma felt was way beyond her maturity level.

That hadnt been over the phone. Over the phone had only been muffled sobbing and her dad's name, "John."

Emma didn't call him John, but she could forgive her mother. It was up to her mother's good friend Di to share the news: Emma had always looked up to Di, she'd had some tragic marriage in her youth, and then decided god damned men weren't for her.

At the moment, Emma was of a similar mind.

Emma assumed she'd have a similar life to Di, had planned for it actually. Di had her own house, a thriving career as a solicitor and no children. A life like that, of her own, was Emma's dearest wish before she wished to be able to say yes to Harry.

Now she just wished her dad was still around.

There were so many plans to make, a funeral to finance and a mother to support, to put back together.

It's a wonder Emma wasn't an outright romantic, the way her parents had been, lifelong sweethearts. They still had moon eyes for each other until the very end, could be found holding hands on the couch often. Emma had come home unexpectedly early last year and found her mother sitting on the kitchen counter with her father between her legs making out like teenagers.

It was a lot to live up to.

Emma supposed it was why she kept all her heart eyes and love life in the closet and saved it all up to spend once a year. Just like an old lady's Christmas budget.

This year, she didn't think it would be happening. Harry must have had some rich person thing going on with the ticket, because the minute she decided that rather than ask her mom to buy her a ticket to get home, for the funeral, instead use the one she  had from Harry, he'd called. There was clear excitement in his voice, hot on the heels of her phone call to the airlines. It was August. He was set to embark soon, she'd just got back to Amsterdam. He must have thought she was gonna sneak in a cheeky visit.

"You're coming?"

"What?" She was so disoriented. Coming where? What was going on? Her brain was muffled with plans her feelings kept stumbling over at the knees like a trip wire.

"To see me? I got a notification you used the ticket?"

Her brain was muddled, like an egg in a hot pan, what? How did he do that? "No, Harry, umm I'm not coming. I don't even know where you are right now." She barely knew where she was.

"Whose fault is that?" There was a tiny edge to his voice that would cut her if she could even notice. "You could have answered my calls."

"Harry," she sighed, she had been avoiding him a bit. Mostly because she had an evergreen memory of his disappointed face when she told him going on tour was too much, that she simply didn't have the time. She was glad she couldn't see his face when she said the next bit. His voice was buoyant with hope, she was about to pop that balloon. "I need the ticket to go somewhere else." She couldn't bear to say it, was biting her lip hard not to think it, the liquid memory brimming anyway.

"Yeah, ok. Well, Happy Christmas I guess. See you in four months, maybe." The bitterness in his voice was like an old lemon and she didn't even have time to sweeten it with truth when his phone clicked off.

That made her resentful. How could this truth be sweet in any way? It got worse over time, the resentment just nestled among her other griefs.

Then he wouldn't answer her calls. She supposed that was giving her a taste of her own medicine and it was a quick wash down her throat with no water after the other jagged pill life had just forced down her throat.

And it didn't get better. Though, she had to scoff at herself for even having a square of heart for Harry to break leftover.

Break it did though, when she heard he had a new girlfriend, a blonde, a model, a French blonde model.

Of course.

Emma couldn't help but stalk her instagram. His was useless, ill used, so when she'd finished a day of running the house she'd been a child in while taking care of her grieving mother, she'd torture herself some more and watch stories where the beautiful blonde played in a pool, or made jokes, or showed the big mirror over her bed.

That one hurt most. She'd never seen Harry's bed, nor he hers. The little devil voice inside her head whisper shouted that he much preferred the one he was in now, with the mirror and the model to the tiny inn room they'd spent all their overnights in.

She didn't hear from him, and she never called to explain herself either. What would she say? My life fell apart and I needed your ticket, but it hurt to much to say it out loud and you were to much of an asshole to let me say it.

Harry wasn't an asshole, not really, he was hurt. Emma was stunned she had that power, though she had admitted to herself there was more between them than mistletoe kisses and holiday fucks.

She'd admitted it was more to her.

He acted like it was more to him, unless this was just a bruised ego. She didn't like to think that. Harry had every reason to have a giant head, figuratively to go with the oversized cranium he actually sported, but he'd never shown it. He was cocky at times, just enough to be sexy. All of that was a veneer over a sweet vulnerability that made everybody want to be around him, protect him, love him.

Did she love him?

No, she didn't think so, but given more time, the potential was there, like a rock at the top of a hill, all it would take was a push.

Which, time on tour with him would have been. If she could have went. Which she couldn't. She wanted to explain all of this to him as soon as she has the chance- which she would in 6 hours.

Her promises to herself were that she would not cry and that she would accept his new relationship. His real relationship. Emma would not try to touch him, or kiss him, or confess her almost love to him.

He was probably in love himself, from her internet stalks, she was halfway there, with both of them. Harry edged it out by being perfect in person. Camille, that was frenchies name, could only be half as perfect as Emma made her in her head.

"Do I wear the sweater?" She asked her reflection. She'd had to become her best friend the last six months. Emma might have called her mom her best friend, just based on time spent together, if their relationship was reciprocal, but at this turn of the road, she was supporting her mom as she grieved and got back to herself. Emma could see glimmers. She had hope.

She however wasn't sure she had hope for herself. Was she really contemplating wearing the sweater Harry gave her last Christmas to his mother's Christmas party? How pathetic was that? She was rolling her eyes at herself. He'd had a big year, and he bought lots of gifts, probably for his new girl, so her thinking he'd remember felt narcissistic.

Plus, it was her favorite, which mostly had nothing to do with the fact it was from Harry.

Emma really didn't want to go, but Gemma was expecting her. And she really needed to see her, have her support. They'd been texting, a lot. Gemma had heard about her dad and reached out. It was the only emotionally connection Emma really had, those texts, and she needed to see Gemma, honestly. Even if it meant seeing Harry.

She might have wanted to see Harry.

To explain, and maybe just to see him. Make sure he was happy, feel his warmth, steal him back.

No, that was unlikely. See if he was happy and wish him well.

She wore the sweater.

The house was cozy when she arrived, like it always was and it thawed her heart enough for it to ache a bit. For something new. Her heart ached a fair bit off and on, then went numb. It was the only way she'd survived lately. Emma knew she was putting off really feeling her major loss.

It was a strange pleasure to mourn something as minor as heartbreak.

The hug from Gemma made the trip through the snow and down memory lane worth it. And the people all around her and their laughter were invigorating.

The alcohol helped as well. Their house was pretty dry but had been especially when she started to notice her mom was unconsciously developing a bottle a day habit. When it wasn't there she didn't mention it though, so Emma didn't buy it, except for special occasions.

She was merry, and felt held. Her hand was in Gemma's. She'd stayed away from the back bathroom and the kitchen, even come in the front door.

Emma felt like she was getting away with it.

Harry wasn't there, with girlfriend in tow or not. So all her pontificating about checking on him was all for naught, and she was getting all the crosses. She certainly felt like today was a plus.

Until she heard a tone of elation issue from Anne's happy voice that only motherly joy could produce.

Harry was here.

"Fuck!" Came out of her mouth, and Gemma looked at her sharply.

"What?"

"Nothing, guess I'm jumpy, your mum's shout made me spill." Emma thought she shouted an excuse me while she hurried up the stairs to hide, find a place farthest away from Harry and his happiness. He might be alone, but if he was glowing like a brand, the way he did when they holed up together only slightly dimmed by their parting, now because of it, from some other lover, Emma couldn't stand it.

Plus, she thought she'd heard another name connected to his over her own rated r exclamation.

She was coming out of the bathroom. Emma had suppressed her tears ruthlessly and her bottom lip might bruise from the brutal teeth marks she employed. She'd have given herself some words in the mirror, affirmations helped, but what was she gonna say. "You're happy for him."

She wasn't. She was happy with him.

"Fuck this." Emma decided the only course of action was a straight line to her parents house. her mother's house, she mentally corrected and gave herself a more legitimate reason to cry than over a boy. Even if that boy was Harry Styles.

Who she barely stopped herself from running into as she kept her head down and rounded the bannister to head down the stairs.

"Jesus! You gave me a fright!" She dramatized and kept a hand over her heart and her tear stained face down.

"Emma." His voice was flat, and not cold, but the warmth that snuggled around her name was absent and she shivered. "I wondered if you'd be here." Not Hoped, she noted. "What are you doing up here? Don't your usually use the back bathroom?" There was just a bit of heat in that statement, but it didn't warm, it burned. Was he being mean, that wasn't like him? "Nice sweater." Ok, definitely mean.

Her face came up with that thought, it shocked her out of the sense of control she was exercising.

He did look hard, mean, for a moment, but soft around the edges like a melting popsicle when he caught her face.

"Are you crying?" His hand came up and he stopped it mid air before it wiped away her tear.

Emma felt her body lean into him and another tear slipped out when his warm palm and always chilly finger tips touched her cheek.

God she'd missed him! While she was bolstering her mother, she'd needed support. He was supportive, or would have been. But he wasn't taking her calls, and she couldn't bring herself to text, "my dad died". Then, it was such old news, she figured he'd have heard from Gemma.

He took his hand away like she was a hot cooktop.

He pushed his hair back off his forehead with the hand probably damp with her tears and bravely changed the subject. "How long you in town for this time? Jetting off to some climate refuge hotspot soon?"

Emma flinched. Oh- he didn't know.

"Un, no, I'm living here." She didn't elaborate, maybe saying it out loud was as hard as texting it. "I was actually just about to head home to check on my mum. The back bathroom was in use, and the cold makes me need to pee." What the fuck was she talking about, he didn't need that information.

His dimple pressed in just a bit and he went to say something, but Emma just couldn't. She couldn't look at him anymore, or tell him about why she lived there, or about the ticket he seemed to have been hurt enough to move on over. She definitely didn't want to see evidence of his movement, especially not his upgrade. "Anyway, nice to see you," the words shot out of her mouth, impresonal and true. "Bye Harry."

"Wait Emma!" She thought she heard, but she just kept going. She'd tell Gemma she was sick.

She nearly was when she saw Harry's girlfriend hugging her closest friend in the living room.

"Oh god."

Luckily, when she got home, her mum was awake and feeling chatty, not blue. Emma focused on her and the special she was watching. Let the warm sound of her mother's once common laughter wrap around her as a blanket. It was more comforting than a cup of tea.

She waited until later to cry herself to sleep.

The next day was Christmas- the first without her father. She dried her rightful tears before she saw her mom, though she would have had all the standing in the world for them and she felt better about them than those she's shed the night before. She knew though that her wet face would cause a cascade event, the first drop in a waterfall, so she dried them up.

They had traditions to get through.

And get through they did. They each wrapped a gift for her father that they left under the tree and held each other right before tucking into a late brunch and preparing a boozy and sweet laden Christmas dinner, Emma contributed the puddings.

They were very much her mother's favorite, and she broke out a scandi recipe she'd enjoyed the last several years.

She Skyped her university friends, they exchanged the small gifts she'd mailed them and them her. She missed them something awful. She missed school horribly, so much she even emailed her advisor. All of her heart hoped to return after the winter break.

Emma thought the feeling of missing something was a bit like a paper cut and losing your keys combined.

Harry called late Christmas Day, just a few minutes shy of Boxing Day. That more than stung, it was a gut punch, or a knife plunge, though she'd never had either.

Emma ignored the call from Harry. What was there to say?

Boxing Day, well, Emma wasn't much of a drinker, but it was basically a tenet of British culture to get obliterated while watching the queen.

For the last several years, Emma had been off her face on Harry. This year she chose savingnon blanc with her mum. Two days, then they'd go back to a dry house. Tradition was tradition, and she couldn't think about the one she'd started and ached all over for.

What a pale imitation of ecstasy drunkenness was, though she supposed they both left a hangover, a residue.

Her bed, when she begged off to it early was warm and fragrant, but it smelled all wrong. No sandalwood or black coffee, not even the mint she'd come to associated with the comfort of love, or something like it.

It was worse, because when she closed her eyes, having seen Harry's someone in person, she could see him snugged up to her, so cozy. It was in their place, their room at the Boat's Head.

It was over, Boxing Day, when she puked.

She had another missed call from Harry. 11:59 Her personal witching hour.

The next day was a little bit better, either because she had her literal hangover to tend, or because she'd ripped the bandaid off her hurt and let the wound air.

"Hiya!" Gemma's voice and face were bright, unlike the gray day.

"Hello." Emma smiled and her voice held it, she held onto it. "You're merry!"

"Yeah, I'm at the pub. Everybody is at the pub," she flashed the phone around so Emma could see the waving swaying people, "we wanted to get you outta the house, you made such an effective Irish exit the other day you've let your people down, we need to see your smile. You feeling better?"

"Yes, thank you." Emma thought about it, there was a pull to the pub. "Um, maybe I can swing over."

It only took a few minutes to throw on jeans and a jumper, not her former favorite. The walk was a little longer.

When she found them, her first comment was "Im not drinking!" Over a grimace.

"Too much wine with old Elizabeth, huh? " Gemma Laughed

"Yes! Did you know my mum has a long pour?" Emma shared with a laugh.

"No, but mine's gotten more heavy on the booze with me lately, they must like the new stages. Daughters as actual friends and drinking partners. Mum is thrilled!" Gemma grinned.  "So am I! Harry's a little jealous."

Emma tried to catch her grimace before it stomped across her face. Gemma kept talking and she thought she'd got away with it.

"He wants to be one of the girl's! He came down last night and mum, Camille and I were sharing wine and mum was showing her atrocious pictures. You'd think he'd be mad or embarrassed! He was like, 'Where's my glass?'" Gemma was staring at her while she chuckled.

Emma had less success not responding. Her face was a picture she was sure, a jealous one. And then she heard herself asking, "what's she like?" She gulped down the g word she almost voiced. "Camille?"

Gemma made a funny face, then looked at her again. "Um, she's silly and kinda quiet and I think she's worried my mom will care she's posed nude."

She wouldn't. That wasn't Anne's style. And if she did have an issue, she'd never voice it. She was really big on respecting her kids choices. Even some of the stupider ones Harry had made.

Was she ranked among those now?

"Why do you ask?" The gentleness in a Gemma's voice told Emma she knew more than she was saying.

Emma couldn't explain, she was still in such a tender state, like a fissured piece of glass, she knew she couldn't go over it. "I just hope Harry's happy."  It was the only true thing she could say.

And Gemma, bless her just looped her arm through Emma's and said like she was holding a cracked egg. "He is." She left it at that, before she stood, pulling Emma after her. "And we need another drink." Apparently Emma was drinking, she needed it.

They spent another couple hours at the pub and Emma walked home through the soft snow. Her nose was stuffy, and her eyes were leaking, and she was drunk. Least she realized she must be, cuz she was crying. She really hated crying.

She was still weeping under her breath when she got home and found Harry on her doorstoop.

"You're still here?" She boggled. She assumed he'd taken his girlfriend to his big London home Emma had never been to, since she wasn't ever his g word.

"Yeah." He rubbed his hands over his corduroy flares. She'd consider what that might mean, but the pants distracted her. Those were new, must be getting fashion influences from new places, mew people. Those pants were roomy for him. He looked good in them. He looked good, happy.

"Did you need something?" Seeing himwas ripping her guts out and she could barely keep more tears at bay. Her insides were dangerously close to the skin now, tender and exposed. She hoped the distance between them and the weather and, well, maybe his rose colored glasses brought on by loving some other girl, he wouldn't notice her crying.

Over him. At the moment.

"No, I, um," he swallowed. "I thought we might talk." He made those green eyes at her and she hated it. Cuz they were soft and for someone else these days.

"I think we've said it all."

"We haven't said anything, not really, in a year."

"Yeah, well actions over words mate." Good, she was angry. She tried to go around him, into her door. Out of the cold and this situation.

"Emma, wait." He caught her shoulders and her blood froze in her veins but her tears were hot on her cheeks. "I'mso sorry about your dad." He choked up too.

She looked at him and let hurt run down her face, didn't even bother trying to stiffen her upper lip. When he opened his arms, she went to him and cried in a way she really hadn't let herself, into the comfort of his scent, the hurt of his presence.

Emma wasn't sure how long she cried, they wound up siting on the cold stone bench when their knocking knees froze.

"S that why you used the ticket?" He whispered against her hair sometime later.

She nodded. Sniffed up her tears and his pain laced smell.

"Why didn't you call me?"

She shrugged.

"I would have understood. And I would have come, to be with you."

Her tears apparently hadn't run out. She knew that, but she was hurt, by his hurt and his expectation.

She looked up at him. Her lips were so close to his, the outer edge that felt so plush and lovely.

That was a Liberty she didn't have. Maybe never a right she had, like him just expecting her to drop her goals to go to him.

"Where's your girlfriend?" She said the word like the four letters it felt like it was to her.

"Um," he stumbled over the subject change . "She was tired."

"You tell her you were coming to see a girl you used to fuck?"

"What?" He looked at her with a frown and Emma supposed she was being mean, mean but honest. "Don't say it like that. That's not what we were about."

Emma quirked a brow at him. "No?"

"Listen, why are you being like this?" He swallowed and looked like the wronged party when he was the one who assumed the worst of her, then abandoned her, moved on, and showed up, she could only assume, to rub it in her face.

The last year had been the worst of her life, and he'd been part of that. Mostly his absence.

Whoever's fault that was.

"Look, I don't need your pity or your condolences. Or your forgiveness. You just assumed I was taking advantage of you like you didn't know me at all. Which I realized is true apart from knowing what I look like naked, right? Let's be honest Harry? Huh, I'm just the girl you used to fuck over break. Your Christmas bit of fun. Til you found your next model. Who you couldn't wait to come home and show off, right in my face. So if we were more, you're a heartless asshole." She was crying over him now, but half the tears at least were angry and her face must be bright red.

The kicked puppy look on his face was so genuine and felt so false to her she could scream. "Why would I even think you would care if I had a girlfriend or not? If anybody was just the person the other thought of as a holiday fling, it was you about me, Emma."  He huffed, took down the finger he'd stood up to point at her. "I tried for more, asked for more?"

"When?" He'd asked for more, how'd she miss that?

"What'd you think the ticket was for? That was me asking you for more, at least more time?"

"I don't have extra time." She countered. Emma supposed that was some mealy mouthed passive way of saying you wanted to spend time with a person at least.

"And I do?" He yelled that before taking a big breath and muttering sorry. "Listen, I know what you're about, and that you are very serious saving the world, but I'm just as busy as you, more, and I would have made time for you."

"Why?" She stood up into his space. "So I could just miss you more, fall more for you and not get to have you in any real way? To torture myself?" And there is was. Emma knew the ache of the first weeks without him, and she'd always counted their brief time together as worth it. Subjecting herself to more just seemed masochistic. "Have more time with you so I have to get over you all over again multiple times a year."

"Who says you would have had to get over me? We could have been together!" Both of their voices had escalated past the bounds of polite disagreement.

"Together in every way except literally?" She threw her hands out at her sides. "What's the point of that?"

"The point?" He huffed. "The point is that I wanted you and you wanted me, and we could have had each other, but you're too busy," he sneered, "and couldn't talk to me."

"I couldn't talk to anyone!" She screamed. "I was supposed to text you that my dad died and I needed to use the ticket that was supposed to be a gift but was more like a curse, to take care of my mom. That my dream was at best on hold while I made sure my mum could get out of bed?" He looked a little slapped. "While you were off what? Being a rockstar? Having a record breaking year? Moving on? Out of spite?!" She didn't want to think that, but she'd wondered. She knew she was giving herself to much credit. "Why you made sure to bring her to Holmes Chapel? You take her to the Boar's Head too? Or just fuck her in your mum's powder room?" The words were explosive, the cadence like charges lighting off each other. Emma felt like a powder keg.

He was shaking his head. "Stop it. No, no, I didn't move on, not until I thought you were done with me."

"Oh, when I needed you and you wouldn't answer my calls?"

He looked at the ground then. When his eyes came up , the lovely green of them was even more vibrant, due to the tears crowding around their ages. "Emma, I'm so sorry about that. I'll never forgive myself."

His sincerity softened her, though the anger she'd wrapped around herself like a coat was all that was keeping her ribs together.

"I'm so sorry, I know the last year has been more than anybody should have to bear, especially alone." He took  a big breath. "But Camille, I didn't, it's not," he stumbled over the words like they were glass edges, but Emma had a feeling she was the one who was about to get cut. "Um, she and I just met and, well, we, we get on." That was a kind way to put it. "I wasn't looking for somebody else. But I was lonely and she's," the changes on his face ripped through Emma. "She's lovely. I brought her home, because I wanted mum to meet her." That told Emma everything.

"You love her?" She already knew the answer.

He ran his hand through his locks, avoided eye contact until the last second, "yeah, yeah, I think I might."

Emma was nodding, biting her lip to gatekeep the fresh round of tears threatening. "That's good Harry, I'm," she breathed, "I'm happy for you."

He looked at her then. "Really?"

"Course, I care about you, your happiness." That brought on the tears and he reached for her and she had to throw up her hands to keep him away. "No, no, please don't touch me."

His phone rang, he was the only person she knew who actually kept their ringer on. Well the only person under 50, it made her smile. Then cringe, the weird personal knowledge she had because of how much of an almost they were. From his face, Emma knew it was his actual calling.

"Um," he shady buttoned the call. "I have to go."

"Yeah," was all she could respond with, she already knew that. "Well, have a happy nee year Harry. You sticking around?" God she hoped not. May have to convince her mum to go to London if so.

He shook his head, "Um no, we're going to Paris." Ouch. Emma tried for subtle when she wrapped an arm around herself. "Sorry, I'd like," he always looked so genuine lately, in every interview she'd watched to hurt herself, his heart on his sleeve, in his eyes now. "I'd like to hug you, think you could stomach it?"

Emma nodded and went to him for the barest second and then concentrated on the pressure behind her eyes while he kept her close. "I'm so sorry Emma, for everything. I'd really like to be friends," he'd pulled back to hold her eye line at that.

She nodded, she wasn't sure how she'd handle that, but at best it was a couple phone calls, and no weekends away, they hadn't mentioned that in their middle state, she didn't think it would be to hard to keep him at arms length when they had continents between them most times. "Yeah, ok, friends. You take care of yourself, Harry." Emma was a strong girl, woman now, she could handle some texts and a phone call or so.

He kissed her cheek, a continental affectation she closed her eyes over and turned to go. He was almost out of the gate when he turned back. "I'd never take her to the Boar's Head, by the way, that's our place. I'd never take anybody else there." Before she could even think of a response he looked away quick and started to go. "Take care of yourself, Emma. Happy New Year." That came back to her on the wind.

Blew away like the hold she had on the heart she'd given him last Christmas. At least he was someone special.

[angeltannis]

Mechrogunner: A Headcanon Masterpost

@fudgeroach and I have been cookin’ this ship up for a bit now, and we’ve come up with a bunch of ideas for it that I’m finally ready to post!

Background for context: We both headcanon Moze as a he/him transmasc, so that’s how Moze will be referred to in this post.

So, Gaige and Moze.

How do they meet?

-Pretty simple – at the Wainlock wedding. Moze hasn’t been out just relaxing and having a good time in so long that he stays later than pretty much everyone else. When he’s finally ready to call it a night, he goes up to Hammerlock to let him know. Hammerlock casts a glance over at the bar, where Gaige is practically passed out on the counter by that point, and asks if Moze would be willing to check on her for him. Moze is like “Uhhh...okay...”, not really getting why Hammerlock himself couldn’t just check on her.

Hammerlock, of course, has an agenda, trying to set Gaige up with a friend her own age. He didn’t plan on it going much, much further than that, lol.

Moze sits awkwardly down beside her and is all business, just asking her bluntly if she’s all right. Gaige, flirty drunk that she is, immediately latches on to him, telling him he’s great and that she loves him. Moze internally is like 😳 but acknowledges it’s because she’s drunk. He stays with her for a while, keeping it light, talking about their respective robot BFFs and telling her a couple funny old army stories to keep her awake and with it until she sobers up a little.

Both of them are so lonely that by the end of the night they are definitely both nursing lil crushes, but Moze has thick walls around his heart after what happened to his squad mates, and he’s too traumatized to let anyone in at the moment. When they finally part ways that night, he assumes he’ll never see Gaige again.

Then he gets a text from an unfamiliar number. Turns out Gaige got his number from Hammerlock, and has ““questions about Iron Bear””. (She actually does have questions about Iron Bear because she’s a fucking nerd, but make no mistake, she is definitely interested in both mech AND pilot)

Moze hasn’t been in this kind of position in, well, ever, really. He’s not sure what to do. He really likes talking to Gaige, though – she's stunningly smart, wild and funny as hell. He’s never met a woman like her before. He may not have a clue what she’s talking about half the time, but he sure does love hearing her say it all.

Gaige, on the other hand, is immediately and blatantly smitten with Moze. She tends to develop crushes on pretty much anyone who pays her attention, but Moze was so sweet and gentle with her while she was embarrassingly drunk that Gaige finds herself thinking about him long after they part ways.

The dating stage:

Moze is terrified of opening back up to anybody, so he keeps Gaige at arm’s length even as their texting goes from occasional, to frequent, to most of the day every day. The other Raiders encourage Moze to ask Gaige on a date, but he’s nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment.

When Gaige asks him to bring Iron Bear to her lab-slash-hideout so she can “check him out”, he tells himself and everyone else that it’s just a friend thing.

It’s totally not a friend thing oh God

He’s hanging out in her garage (I imagine Gaige hides out in some craphole abandoned building somewhere and that her garage is also her lab, kitchen, bedroom, etc.), watching her eyes light up as she examines Iron Bear when he realizes he’s in too deep to get out. She pulls a whole-ass little measuring tape out of her hair at one point and he’s like Oh god, you’re adorable and has to bite his tongue to refrain from saying it out loud.

Deathtrap is just watching them, aware that something is up, but he doesn’t know enough about humans to know exactly what it is

The first time Moze feels comfortable enough to show up in something other than his freaking Ursa Corps uniform, he’s a little shy because he’s been chopping at his own hair and feels like a doofus. To his surprise, Gaige lights up and immediately starts complimenting his “punk” hairstyle. She lets her own hair out of the pigtails with a grin, showing that she hacks at her own hair as well. It’s all split ends and uneven layers, and Moze’s heart flutters just a bit as those bright green eyes are suddenly framed by a mess of bouncy orange hair.

While he’s hanging out with Gaige, Moze eventually comes out of his shell enough to start cracking little jokes and feeling a bit more at ease. He hasn’t felt this way since the last night he spent with his squad before Darzaran Bay. Gaige is just so easy to talk to, and she laughs at his jokes and doesn’t pry about his past. He doesn’t pry about hers, either, though he can glean from her current situation that something has clearly gone horribly wrong in her young life.

Gaige is afraid to let anyone into her life, either, since every person who knows her whereabouts is another potential source of danger to her (and to them). She finds herself wondering why this soldier is all alone without a squadron or a battalion or whatever terms the army uses. The faraway look Moze sometimes gets tells her there’s a long and painful story behind it.

It takes a loooooong time, probably close to a year or more, before either of them are ready to admit they’re not just visiting each other as friends multiple times a week. 

They’re sitting outside one evening watching the sunset when Gaige grows uncharacteristically serious. Moze assumes she’s going to confess to some awful crime or something, and his first reaction is “Okay I don’t know what you did but I forgive you and I’ll help you hide the body”. Gaige is like ??? Ok well I did kill somebody in the past but I was actually going to ask if I could kiss you?

Neither of them have ever really had a proper kiss before. They basically end up bonking their faces together like a couple of clueless dorks. It goes on to become a favorite inside joke between them, with the two of them frequently headbutting each other and then having a good, confusing-to-everyone-else laugh about it.

The relationship:

-Moze is self conscious about his height, but it turns out Gaige actually prefers it because then she doesn’t feel like such a shrimp herself. Short couple rights

-Still though, Moze likes to wear his chunkiest combat boots when they’re together together so they’re at least equal size. Eventually Gaige starts wearing her own old combat boots, though, so poor Moze can’t win lol

-They’re not real sappy out in public, but they’re always either holding hands or Moze has an arm loosely around Gaige’s waist (or vice versa which makes Moze go “NOO I’m supposed to be the one doing that!!” And Gaige is like “Muahaha, Feminism Babey >:D”)

-Gaige found out Moze has a corporate tattoo and since then his life has never known peace (she teases him about it relentlessly)

-Moze sends lovey-dovey memes and texts...exclusively in Russian. Forcing Gaige to put them through a translator helps put a little bit of distance between the words and his feelings, so he doesn’t feel quite so vulnerable...

…But then Gaige struggles to learn some basic Russian in secret, and the next time Moze says something corny she can actually understand it and responds in kind. Moze is floored

-Gaige is a ball of repressed horny nerdiness. Moze was never very sexual to begin with, and his trauma has basically turned him completely asexual. While at first Gaige was (inwardly) a bit disappointed, as time goes on she realizes she cares way more about Moze than she cares about getting laid.

She’s still a slut for cuddles, though – and luckily Moze is willing to provide. At first he insists on being the “big spoon” (more like the backpack), but it’s tough to resist being held by a pretty girl who covers you in kisses and takes the time to change into her non-spiked metal arm after that one time she forgot and almost got you in the eye with a spike

-Gaige sleeps in a bed that’s FULL of pillows and blankets and stuffed animals and anything soft and Moze, who is used to sleeping on a barren military cot if not just on the floor, is like “Oh God, I’m drowning”

All you see is his hand reaching desperately out of a pillow pile before it, too, is absorbed and he disappears completely

-Semi-related to the last bit: Gaige sleeps completely sprawled out in her bed while Moze curls up tight, taking up as little space as possible. Occasionally he gets grabbed like a stuffed animal and smushed up against Gaige’s chest in her sleep. He finds he actually likes being held while he sleeps. It helps keep away some of the nightmares.

-When eventually Gaige finds out what happened to Moze, she starts ranting about the military-industrial complex and corporate corruption and Moze is kinda 😥 because he was basically bottle-fed army propaganda since he was born, but it all makes sense, and the military did fuck him over, and maybe there’s so much more to this than he even realized…

-Finding out Gaige’s backstory, Moze is like “Psh, Marcie Halloway sounds like a cunt. I would’ve killed her ass, too.”

-Moze never allows anyone else to even look inside Iron Bear’s pilot seat because of all his private belongings (ie the photos and mementos he keeps of his old squad mates). Gaige never outright asks because she knows it’s personal, but one day Moze asks if she'd like to have a look inside and see if there’s any cool stuff she would want to build into Bear. Gaige realizes that’s a huge step in their relationship because of how much trust it requires on Moze’s part, and she is like !!! “Yes of COURSE”

-[Gaige voice] So when am I gonna get to be Mrs. Gaige Hayussinian Yan-Lun Al-Amir Andreyevna?

-Both of them will eat anything, so romantic dinners can consist of anything from actual gourmet food to “Want a bite of my fried ratch?” “Um, obviously?? Gimme-“

-Perks of dating someone your own size: You can easily wear each other’s clothes. Cue Moze showing up to Sanctuary in a spiked leather jacket with patches shittily ironed on all over it, and Gaige keeping warm in an Ursa Corps bomber jacket (that she covers with patches and stickers to hide the Vladof advertising)

-Gaige operating Moze’s Dakka Bear turret, wildly spraying bullets and screaming catch phrases while Moze is in the pilot seat like 🥰 You’re wasting all my ammo but god I love you

-Moze jumping into combat: All right, let’s do this shit *puts on his helmet with pink skulls and hearts and PROPERTY OF GAIGE 💜 spray painted all over it*

-Gaige is still worried about being caught by the cops, which can make dates a little difficult, but she’s admittedly a little more at ease now that she travels with a fifteen-ton mech and his dashing pilot.

[having-a-hyperfixate]

Secret Reports

Gonna just edit this thing and put line breaks as I get more of them.

I’m also working on the rest of the completion, and will probably wander off in the middle of this to do Another Day, which will probably have its own post. I fully expect that to be sheer madness. 

#1 So is it just me or is Mr H writing these reports to channel how extremely stressed he is. Cuz like. Mood. *gestures vaguely at blog* *gestures at this post specifically*

I. Hold up. Skeezy McFuckwad and Joshua did what resulting in which now. Excuse me. EXPLAIN!??! Joshua had a sneaky Game running with Skeezy that directly lead to Hazuki ordering Skeezy to destroy Shinjuku??? Is that what I am reading. Or possibly the order was already in the works, and then there was the Game, which ultimately just pushed that forward?? You can’t just say shit like that and not give details ffffffff.

 #2 Mr H having about as much contempt for Shinjuku rules as I do I feel seen haha. Bogus indeed. I can’t remember if I said it in one of my other posts, of if it was in a group chat, but I made a comment somewhere how this ruleset doesn’t seem to work with the stated purpose of the whole Reaper’s Game system. Sweet validation.

 #3 Not much to say except that if I had read this entire report when I actually got it, I would have been much more alarmed by all of the Replays Rindo has to do after that. I got it partway through week 3 but decided not to read it until I beat the game and then BAM it has this lovely tidbit about potentially being able to destroy the UG and RG.

 #4 So, the business that the fandom refers to as the Long Game is known in universe by the higher-ups and Shibuya’s impurification, because it didn’t get ‘purified’ like Shinjuku (I object to that term but ok).

“The hierarchical freeze presumably stems from opposition to the impurification”

Skeezy wasn’t reprimanded when he arrived in Shibuya “possibly because most Higher Plane denizens still oppose Shibuya’s impurification”

ExcUSE ME. I. WHAT. In one of the secret reports for the first game, Mr H says something about the way things turned out be an ‘ideal parallel world’ according to the Angels. I guess he only meant the ones who didn’t want the city destroyed holy shit. That most of them didn’t want Joshua to change his mind and STILL DON’T is so massively fucked up I can’t. Dear Higher Plane, what the actual, ever loving fuck.

-----------------

#5 One hundred and four Games under Shiba. That’s… so. many. teams. Holy shit. And the teams we knew had seen at LEAST 30 teams go. And the three teams we saw weren’t small. So many people…

Also, “Minamimoto seems to be plotting something” is the funnies thing I’ve read in ages OF COURSE HE IS that’s what he DOES. XD That was some mood whiplash.

#6 I was so hung up on the lack of entry fee for so long you don’t even know. Like. Those were so important in the first one it was baffling to me that Shinjuku rules didn’t have anything similar. And then eventually I just decided that the whole Game wasn’t being run correctly and Shiba was clearly after something other than driving the improvement that’s supposed to be the point.

I would like more explanation on this ‘Rindo’s stagnation makes him perfect for time travel thing’. I kind of understand how his reactions being consistent would be helpful in being able to control where the timeline goes (also I just realized this further confirms that Angels remember the other timelines glad I wasn’t imagining that the Prime days are a blur), but what does he mean about being able to maintain abnormally high levels of imagination? (It might tell me later so don’t say anything lol)

“I can only hope I’m not overthinking things.” Oh, you aren’t. If I’m understanding everything correctly, Skeezy actually had two proxies. And poor Rindo managed to end up being proxy for both sides at the same time which is. A mess.

 #7 Well, finally we know how Coco managed to get her hands on a taboo sigil. Plagiarism. Lmao. That at least makes sense and I can worry less about her being Something Else. I would like a word with whoever didn’t clean that up from Udagawa long enough for her to copy it though. That’s hilarious. Interesting that Mr H thinks it wasn’t a perfect recreation though, that something in him got changed. Once again, please elaborate. Please. *headdesk* What prompted Coco to just. Copy a taboo sigil though. Cuz that seems. Unusual.

------------------

#8 Ok there’s a lot to unpack in this one. Namely, more Shinjuku rules. I would love to know if these are long standing rules or relatively recent. Cuz like. Did Shinjuku’s Game ever run in a way that would drive the kind of improvement that’s supposed to be the overall goal? Or has it always, or at least for a while now, been basically a meat grinder? The players that don’t clear that minimum bar probably just get erased outright, I would think. Actually, I’m confused. If normally, one team would get to leave and one team would be erased, wouldn’t that normally keep the average pretty level, so the Game would basically go on forever? Otherwise what do you do with all the other teams that are between first and last? I’m confused. It can’t be normal for teams to keep asking for more rounds. And what if the winning team says ‘everyone gets to go home’?

“The Conductor has yet to contact the Composer” and “it is possible he is unaware of the Higher Plane’s purification protocol.” I don’t know why, but I get the feeling these are important.

 #9 These secret reports are really driving at the whole ‘Rindo just goes with it’ thing, aren’t they. Like, that was his thing, right? He has trouble making definitive decisions? So his arc culminates in that moment in Udagawa where he tells Hazuki that he’s going to take the risk and go back one more time, where he’s making that decision purely for his own sake. And here Mr H seems to be saying that prodding Rindo down the road to character growth is going to be a lot harder than it was with Neku back in the day. Which makes sense, I think. Confronting someone with the concept that other people have value is a lot less complicated than trying to get them to not only make a firm decision, but to choose something that is purely because it’s what they want and need, not because someone else thinks they should.

It’s a little alarming that this report implies that if the pin wasn’t absorbing the Dissonance caused by the Replays, the UG and RG would already be having a bad time. Yikes. This is the report for day 2 of the second week. We haven’t even gotten into the crazy time travel yet.

Aaaaand #10 is for completing the social network, so I have to actually go do Another Day. I want to read these in order; it is much less confusing that way.

------------

#10 I really shouldn’t read these late at night with a possible migraine coming on, they’re already confusing enough. The bits that made sense: Uzuki was acting Conductor damn girl. (Did she have to deal with Joshua and was he in Dignified Mode or Being a Shit Mode because that’s possibly an oof.) I had assumed Shiba was Shinjuku’s Conductor and then just kinda took over after they moved in but apparently not? And RIP the actual Conductor, apparently. Weird that so many Reapers made it but the Conductor, who by all rights should have, didn’t.

I am slightly concerned by the fact that there’s standard procedure for obliterating a district. That’s. Alarming.

I don’t think page 4 is continuing the thought on page 3. Fucking. Stop that. Don’t just say a thing and then start talking about something else I would like EXPLANATIONS. UGH. “Almost” he says. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that almost is a big deal, so why don’t you tell me about it.

Four cases where a district got into trouble before a final decision on whether to reset or not was made. And one was the last game. I wonder if that means whatever was wrong that made Joshua want to destroy it, or if the ‘imbalance’ was all the madness that happened after he agreed to one final Game with Kitaniji and the left the UG. Cuz in one of the first set of secret reports, it says that with the Composer absent, the UG is starting to fall apart as the rules are no longer valid, or something like that. I would definitely call that an imbalance.

 #11 All I care about in this report is that Mr H wants to have a digital art bonding party with Kaie and that is so random why are you writing this down you absolute goober. The first page of this report is like ‘everyone is getting depressed’ and then just a wild left turn into dork-town. Lmao what.

-------------

#12 I don’t think Mr H knows at this point (you get this report for W2D5’s Boss Noise) that the Ruinbringers are all Reapers. He’s gonna be mad. He does know what Shoka is up to though. He’s worried. Aw.

 #13 It didn’t occur to me until this report hit me in the face with it, but they’ve set up a fantastic contrast between the two people Rindo knows from online. One is. not great, let’s say, because I did not take the reveal of Motoi’s true self well. The other is Shoka, and she’s a real friend. I now see what you did there. One relationship that’s a farce and one that really, really isn’t.

 #14 Me, out loud, at 1:30 in the damn a.m.: WAIT. HOLD THE FUCK UP.

If getting Tsugumi out of Mr Mew required an Angel, how in the hell did Shiki manage to…? What. I’m very confused.

Also damn, saving Tsugumi was so important that Shinjuku’s Conductor died for it. Did he know what she could do, the whole visions thing? Or maybe that something was wrong with Shiba and it would take someone like her to potentially stop him in the future?

I still would like to now how the hell Tsugumi got her hands on Mr Mew. Especially since its apparently the ORIGINAL Mr Mew and she seems to have had him during the inversion? What.

 #15 So… Inversions don’t always happen when a region is purified. I’m trying to wrap my brain around what a ‘complete loss of character’ in and area that’s had an Inversion could mean. Like… I think I get it, but my brain won’t make words, let alone sentences. Like when you go into a hotel room, and it doesn’t feel like a home, as opposed to when you go to a friend or family’s house, and it does? Kinda like that but it’s the whole district that’s just… blank? That’s kinda creepy.

If there are so many who think a ‘regular purification’ isn’t enough, the a) what does that even look like, b) is that what Joshua was going to do to Shibuya and c) is there an intermediate step between ‘normal’ and Inversion? I have been staring at this report for literally 15 minutes now.

 #16 “I wonder how [Shiba] will feel about all this after he is allowed to return to his former self.” Yuuuuuup. I still Do Not Like him, but dude was borderline mind controlled so like. Yeah. And I did get to kill him once, so. As long as he minds his business and isn’t a total dick from here on, whatever. It all just sucks.

*facepalm* Well at least we got to being suspicious of Replay eventually. Why did it take you this long Mr H. Though I do wonder what Rindo would have been able to do without the interference. He had to have some kind of latent skill for the pin to react to him, right? I’m now going in circles mentally trying to puzzle out if Replay is like, a leveled up version of whatever Rindo would have naturally had, and regardless, where exactly it came from. Because the only time I can think of when anyone had a chance to mess with the pin was when he didn’t catch it in the prologue. And I’m pretty sure it was Joshua who picked it up. Aaagh I’m giving myself a headache.

I find it hard to believe skeezy would just yeet a random time travel pin out into the world. That seems both dumb as fuck and inefficient.

 #17 “Some of them who know what I am occasionally try to contact me.” Lol so Kariya DOES know who Mr H is, I take it. Alright.

I’m having some kind of emotion that Wildkat still exists in a way for the Reapers, and that some of them still go there.

I just imagined Uzuki texting him like ‘plz make the Composer fucking do something kthx’ and I’ve got the giggles now oh dear

 #18 HA! I was right! Minamimoto WASN’T in control when he attacked us! ‘Distortions within himself’ though, that’s concerning. Does that have to do with how he’s come back from the dead twice now? And how Coco’s copy of the sigil was apparently imperfect?

 #19 I was about to say ‘who would target him for his abilities?’ and then my brain turned back on because duh. Shiba and them were looking hard for Neku, to the point that they flooded the RG with Player Pins in the hopes that he would pick one up and get sucked into the Game. A thing that occurred to me last night at 3:30 in the morning because I am a disaster: Mr H says that Minamimoto ‘seems different’. Neku says much the same thing after he comes back. So… Neku’s ability to Scan all the way down to someone’s Soul is potentially close to as sensitive as Mr H’s long distance ability. Which is a little insane. On top of the fact that he can use basically every psych imaginable no problem, survived a pact with a Composer for a full week, while said Composer was using crazy light beams which probably should have melted Neku from the feedback, and then almost singlehandedly defeated the Conductor while somehow inventing four-way fusion attacks. Kid is mad powerful. And he’s just a human. Like, the OG secret reports say that people always become dramatically stronger when they become Reapers. Reaper!Neku would be unstoppable.

“This would be much simpler if I could sit down and talk with him.” Okay, I laughed out loud. Like, loudly.

So… Shinjuku’s Composer… basically had his Conductor assassinated by skeezy. And because skeezy was messing with Shiba’s head, he could prompt Shiba to take the Reapers to Shibuya afterwards, to start doing it there too? Hazuki ordered Shinjuku’s purification so… Oh dear. I might have a few bones to pick with him.

 OH NO. OOOOOH. OH NOOOO. SHINJUKU’S CONDUCTOR. HE WAS TSUGUMI’S BROTHER OH MY GOD. That is fucking tragic what the fuck. What the FUCK. Okay several things make sense now but OH MY GOD FUCKING HELL I WAS NOT READY FOR THAT. Shiki fixing Mr Mew allowed Tsugumi to free herself because her brother had already done part of the work, I take it? Along with us getting the Noise out of there? No wonder the Conductor stayed, he had to go get his sister… Shit, man.

 …… Did Coco steal Mr Mew and take him to Shinjuku?????

----------------------------

#21 isn’t very interesting, just a rehash of stuff we already knew.

#22 Okay Haz IS Shinjuku’s Composer. What. Why? I’m. So confused. Why would he intercede on our behalf, and why NOW? He was happy to throw his own city away, but stepped in to stop skeezy in Shibuya? And then tried to put it back together, and when Rindo was miserable he came to try to understand why. And then cajoled Rindo into having a breakthrough in his Character Development to boot.

Mr H says he has an idea why Haz did all this. And then doesn’t fucking say it because OF COURSE. *headdesk* That gets really old really fast, game.

I’m now running through The Last Day’’ to get the final two reports and this entire section with Haz is somehow even more confusing with context. God damn it Nomura.

 #23 Even after he said we were on our on this time, he forced the Soul Pulvis to reform as Pheonix Cantus to make it easier for us to fight? Bro. What. Are all Composers just… walking contradictions? Aiya.

Shoutout to emotional support Joshua at the end there lol. I remember half-hysterically thinking ‘what are you just here for moral support?’ but ok. And I mean, it did work, Neku did manage to do the thing, so. *sigh* Speaking of, it is ABSOLUTELY INSANE that Neku manage to sync with the entire city without his brain melting. Remember at the beginning of the first game when he scans for the first time and has a massive sensory overload? Look at my boy, all grown up.

 #24 Holy shit world building on how exactly people come back to life without everyone freaking out. I never thought I would see the day.

I still have so many questions but that was always going to be the case. The first game had so many things it left open as well. Agh. Time to start wearing new holes in my brain overthinking things.

[365days365movies]

February 18, 2021: The Danish Girl (2015) (Part 1)

The list of movies I’ve seen is a little...limited.

And I mean in general, not just this month. Now, don’t get me wrong: I’ve seen a FUCKTON of movies, to say it lightly. But in terms of the diversity of films I’ve seen...it could use some updating, I’m not gonna lie. So, because of that, I haven’t seen too many LGBT focused films, which is one of the reasons I wanted to add them this month. 

So I REALLY haven’t seen films that prominently feature transgender people, and Ace Ventura pretty obviously shouldn’t count for various reasons. But I have seen one major one, which I think has been recently somewhat forgotten. Which is a shame, because I actually really liked it!

Tangerine, directed by Sean Baker, is a comedy drama film about two transgender women who are sex workers on the Hollywood strip, and it’s a look at a few days in their lives. It’s all shot on an iPhone camera (yes, really), and yeah, I really did like this movie! Saw it in theaters in early 2015, when it came out, and around the time I was starting to diversify my tastes, movie-wise.

Look, all of this is me saying that this project of mine is an attempt to watch more films, and to expose myself to new and different perspectives. So, even though this is the only transgender-related film on my list (yeah, sorry about that), there will be more in the future, I promise. If you have any good ones that fit into other genres, and that I should’ve seen by now, let me know! I’m definitely interested. Anyway, with that said: The Danish Girl.

Directed by Tom Hooper, who...wait. Tom Hooper? Like, this guy?

Neat! That movie wasn’t bad, as musical adaptations go. Had its issues, but for Hooper’s biggest and most recent musical, that’s a good staAAAAAAAAH

OH FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT CATS

...Ahem. Well, other than that movie that I saw in theaters NOT A JOKE I SWEAR TO GOD, Hooper’s 2015 biographical film about real-life transgender person Lili Elbe made quite the critical smash when it came out, and was considered (and won) several awards, including some Oscars. So, I’m looking forward to seeing this one! As long as there’s no James Corden and Rebel Wilson in it...or the mice...

...

...SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

Einar Wegener (Eddie Redmayne) is a newly successful landscape artist in Copenhagen, in 1926. His wife, Gerda Wegener (Alicia Wegener), is a portrait painter, although obviously a bit stifled by gender politics of the time. The two are pretty obviously very much in love.

Einar goes to visit Ulla Paulson (Amber Heard, and we’re not gonna get into THAT massive-ass controversy, NO SIIIIIIIIR), a ballerina and a prospective godmother to any future children. 

At a portrait painting with a seemingly VERY uncomfortable gentleman, Gerda does some musing on the female gaze vs. the male gaze, and dude is FRAZZLED. Also some talk about submission going on there, so THAT’S interesting. These portraits are viewed by a gallery owner, Rasmussen (Adrian Schiller), who believes that portraits aren’t her forte, and she needs to find another subject matter.

That makes her understandably upset, and she takes it out on Einar when she comes home. This is made far worse by the fact that the two are trying to get pregnant, but that doesn’t seem to be working either. Despite this, she asks for Einar’s help with a portrait of Ulla, and needs him to put on her stockings, shoes, and dress in order to pose for the painting. And that’s when the first realization hits.

As he starts to realize something (which he obviously can’t quite place), Ulla arrives and hands him a bouquet of flowers, joking that they’ll call her “Lily.” He brushes this aside...mostly, I assume. That night, Einar comments on Ulla’s new night garments, and the two embrace lovingly. Still, though, you can tell that Einar’s percolating.

At a party that Ulla’s throwing, there’s a mostly ironic discussion about Gerda dressing provocatively by showing off her ankles. And yeah, it’s meant to be a joke, but the fact that they’re making a joke in this movie that I would 100% make in real life is so delightfully meta to me, and I love it.

That night, after some more sexy, sexy ankle talk, and THAT leads to the revelation that Einar is wearing the new undergarments of Gerda’s. And, to my EVERLASTING surprise and delight, Gerda’s TOTALLY COOL with this, and the two make love. Afterwards, Gerda draws Einar in a more feminine state, which Einar quite likes.

Two two speak about another upcoming party, Ulla’s Artist’s Ball, to which Einar doesn’t want to attend, as...they...feel like they’re forced to perform as themselves. Gerda half-jokes about going as someone else, and while that’s not really an option they’re considering, the two do begin to craft a separate female identity for Einar, with makeup and clothes, as well as lessons on more feminine behaviors.

Einar, as Lili, accompanies Gerda to the Artist’s Ball. It’s very awkward at first, but that changes with the introduction of Henrik Sandahl (Ben Whishaw), who’s immediately attracted to...well, “Lili.” I’ll explain the quotes in a minute, I PROMISE. “Lili” first rejects his advances, but then...HOLY SHIT, they kiss. And Gerda sees this, and it understandably goddamn upset.

The next day, the fallout comes, and Gerda and Einar have a discussion about the kiss, and Gerda says that Lili shouldn’t “visit” anymore. However, Einar’s not as certain of that even being a possibility.

That seems to be further confirmed by the obvious strain Einar is feeling afterwards, and in a frantic rush, he heads to a studio that they use and looks at himself in the mirror. And as Einar examines himself in the mirror...I think this is the right time to explain the quotes from earlier.

See, here’s the thing: up until this point, both Gerda and Einar thought of this as a lark and a curiosity, respectively. But now, in the mirror, Einar’s realized that it’s something far more than that, as has Gerda. And it’s at this point that it’s time to switch names and pronouns, at least to they/them. Because up until now, I don’t believe that they truly understood themselves.

And now they’re starting to. Hasn’t outright said it, yet, but the mirror scene seems to cement it for me. In the meantime, Gerda also seems to realize it, subconsciously at least, as she completes one of the portraits that she drew of Lili. She brings this to the art dealer from earlier, and he surprisingly takes it!

But Lili’s doing something...less than totally OK, as she goes to meet Henrik, who continues to show attraction towards her. A self-confessed romantic, he happily lets her into his place, but I’m not certain whether or not he’s aware of the full situation.

Whether he is or isn’t, it doesn’t quite matter, as he wants to go further in their relationship physically, with Lili is NOT ready for. She goes home, where Gerda finds her, surprised. Lily admits everything, and while knowledge of the affair hurts Gerda significantly (GODDAMN IT MOVIES STOP THE INFIDELITY), another revelation emerges which is more important.

See, Lili and Einar seem to be dissociating, as Einar is now assigning Lili’s feelings to a separate person, and is essentially dissociating. These feelings include a past childhood kiss shared with a boy names Hans, which are now associated with Lili. But as all of this is coming to light, Einar suddenly collapses.

Einar goes to see a doctor, Jens Hexler (Pip Torrens), who believes that it’s all caused by a chemical imbalance, and decides to treat it with...radiation. That...that can’t have actually been a treatment for “chemical imbalance”, right? I mean, it’s certainly fitting with the time, but this would DEFINITELY make hormone problems and infertility WORSE, not better.

But despite this, Einar and Gerda go through with this (almost certainly didn’t happen) treatment, after which Einar says that the doctor “hurt Lili.” Deemed unsuccessful, the doctor calls Einar insane, and leaves them and Gerda, who are both upset. And that’s not made better by the fact that the doctor has reported them, and someone will take Einar to the asylum...unless they leave.

Good thing, then, that Gerda’s been asked to exhibit the paintings of Lili in Paris! They get the FUCK out of Copenhagen, and head to Paris. But with all of this, Einar’s beginning to unravel, losing even the painting side of themselves, as their relationship with Gerda also begins to change.

And I think that it’s at a Paris peepshow that Einar officially assumes the role of Lili in her own mind. So, I’m going to end the first part with the following statement:

Her name is Lili, and I’ll be referring to her as she/her from here on out. See you in Part 2!

[smartguyreviewed]

2x6 - Trial and Error

Original air date: Oct 15, 1997

Okay, so we begin this infuriating episode with Floyd coming home and calling out for his biological children. None of them are home. Except for Mo. Mo broke into the house. No, seriously. He broke into the house and started eating somebody’s leftovers. Now in any other case, this would warrant a passionate ass whooping and a call to the parents of this child because what the fuck are you doing so wrong to have your son breaking into houses and not stealing anything except for food? However, this is sitcom world and Floyd just seems more annoyed than anything since Mo is always there anyway.

Mo tells Floyd he needs to be more careful about locking the windows. So linebacker ass Mo really needed to eat and somehow oozed through a window just to get food? Ok, I take back what I said about him needing his ass kicked. Mo is clearly malnourished even though he’s huge. His parents must be poor and therefore can’t afford to feed him. Holy shit was that dark. Moving on. 

Food and TJ’s brain are the reasons for his crime. His parents are going to kill him if he brings home another D. This is really helping me build a theory that Mo’s parents are abusive, so let’s assume his parents are literal this time about the kill thing. Floyd then realizes that Mo’s punishment would equal him not being over again to eat up their food and casually break in so he tells Mo that TJ joined the Marines. Nice, Floyd.

Just then, the rest of Floyd’s flock comes in babbling about who got what part in a play. TJ is naturally upset because he wanted a bigger role, still not getting used to the idea that he’s a 10 year old and unless he’s playing the role of a character with dwarfism, it wouldn’t make sense for him to have a huge part. TJ storms off in a huff. Typical TJ things.

The next day, everyone is atwitter over a test from their more over it than Lisa Simpson teacher. This man wants all of his students to fail. He hates his students. He’s a teacher and yet he hates teaching. Maybe this is the wrong profession for you, bruh? And it’s evident his ‘over it’ level is on a million from the way he comes in and tells his class to “get ready to hate me.” The deadpan, dry delivery was funny though. 

His first task is to give his students an assignment so hard that even he doesn’t know all the answers. Um, why? If you don’t know the answers, how are you gonna grade the tests? Isn’t this just creating more work for you, someone who already hates his job? Why the fuck does Piedmont hire such bad teachers and faculty, dammit?

Even TJ is intimidated by this test! Mo asks Mr. Bringleman why stuff from another chapter he previously said wouldn’t be on the test is on the test. He simply says he lied. This man is evil. I hated teachers who did that bitch ass shit. Yes, I only studied for what you said was going to be on the test because I have other classes too, ya know. I’m a teenager, not a machine!

I’m just gonna call him Mr. B for the rest of this review because fuck this most likely racist white man. His ass was listening to the boys talking about how hard the test was and then Mo says he wishes he could do to Mr. B what he does to all of them. Mr. B asks if he’s threatening him and Mo stammers. Then Mr. B insults his intelligence by asking if he ever has a complete thought. Before he can even fix his mouth to call him the N word, not Linda Ellerbee shows up to see what’s going on. Oh yeah, and she’s the new principal. She’s the third one so far and this is only the first half of the second season.

Anyways, she needs someone to cover a class and outright forces him to do it. Ha-ha. When the boys laugh at him, Mr. B says he’s going to grade Mo’s test. Nice, I just love seeing teachers bully students.

At the play rehearsal, TJ is still campaigning for a lead role. Mackey has to be the one to humble him, asking for duct tape. Marcus’s play related arc in this episode is pursuing acting seriously in case music doesn’t work out. His part has no lines so he’s trying to act with his face. He can just feel the SAG membership card in his hands.

Just then, Yvette bursts in wearing a Prince-inspired outfit and lets everyone know there was a fire in the chem lab. Dun du--pause. Why the fuck is she telling everyone? Wouldn’t they have had a fire drill? Are there no fire alarms in this blasted school? How the fuck did nobody know about it or smell smoke and why is Yvette bursting in like the town crier in this Purple Rain ass outfit???

All the students are happy until Linda Ellerbee hands Mo his charred playbook and asks him to come into her office. Dun dun dun. Later we find out that Mo was expelled. Because he is an abused child who only feels safe at the Hendersons, Mo has once again broke into their house and begun working out in their garage. Floyd is over it.

TJ comes home and talks to Mo. He is sad to learn that nobody thinks he’s innocent but says that TJ has to believe him because he has the “wide-eyed innocence of a child.” He follows this up with shitty examples of kids trusting adults who end up being assholes. Once they finally get on a good example, TJ is able to see that Mo is innocent and decides to help Mo get back into school.

The next day, TJ is in the principal’s office waiting for Linda Ellerbee. She has mice in her office because Piedmont is the worst public school ever and is resorting to playing the Spice Girls to get them out. Is that supposed to be a diss to the Spice Girls? Fuck anyone who disses the Spice Girls.

Sis is not budging when it comes to letting Mo back in the school. Sounds like a job for TJ’s cuteness and persistence! He gets her to agree to a mock trial where Mo would have to come back to the school. I...whatever. Order in the courtroom!

TJ is Mo’s defense. The opposinjg side calls Marcus to the stand so we already know this will end in disaster. It takes less than a minute for Marcus to admit that Mo threatened Mr. B. Ugh! Stupid Marcus. But he doesn’t even do the worst on the stand. Mo actually manages to fuck it all up! Marcus and TJ are trying to paint Mo out to be, what the kids today would call it, a “punk ass bitch.” Rather than play along and accept it, dumb ass Mo puts his stupid, fragile masculinity ahead of his chance to get back into school and says that he follows through on all threats. Once he realizes his gaffe, he immediately sits his ass down. Yvette is annoyed.

Vice principal Millitch, who will later replace Linda Ellerbee in one of the only sensical things I’ve seen regarding Piedmont, qualifies that Mo’s playbook was found at the scene next to Mr. B’s burnt gradebook. It was nice knowing ya, Mo. We know how the legal system works.

So then the loser teacher gets on the stand and tries to make it seem like he doesn’t intentionally make his students suffer by giving them ridiculously hard tests and lying about what’s even going to be on the test. To him, Mo is just a stupid, violent nigger so of course he’d want to commit a crime instead of studying harder. And then he lays it on thicker by insulting his intelligence again, explaining what the word combust means in the most smug ass, irritating way. It’s fucked up upon re-watch but at least it’s super realistic how predominately black public schools get racist white teachers often. They’re usually there for the tuition reimbursement.

TJ is now realizing that he may not be able to help Mo out of this jam. While eating dinner, Yvette comes in and apologizes for her lateness, saying the trial is over and now the school can continue with the play rehearsals. She tells an adamant TJ that Mr. B, also assuming the trial’s conclusion, was chain smoking cigarettes and humming “Don’t Worry Be Happy.” Floyd is appalled at the latter. TJ’s gears begin shifting. Side note but doesn’t Mr. B just look like a miserable ass teacher who smokes in the classroom?

TJ and Mo break into the school. Geez, so much trespassing in this episode! Mo isn’t even worried about being caught because what are they gonna do, “expel him from college?” Slapstick ensues while TJ collects samples from the gradebook. Mo, on the other hand, is battling a mouse trap. I was super high when I watched this last night but this scene had me in stitches. Omar Gooding is really good with physical comedy. Look, even TJ gets stuck to him when they’re leaving! Priceless!

At court the next morning, TJ calls Mr. B to the stand. He brilliantly examines him and exposes him for smoking in the classroom, which was the actual cause for the fire. This man is fucking evil! He was actually about to get away with very possibly ruining a teenager’s life until a fucking 10 year old stepped in and dug deeper. He could have seriously gotten him disowned by his parents, making him homeless, forcing him to turn to the streets for survival. All because he’s an asshole and didn’t have the heart to own up to what he did. Hell, it’s fucking Piedmont! I’m sure they would have kept him!

Seeing as he just gets sent to Linda’s office, he’s most likely getting a slap on the wrist and paid vacation leave. Oh well. Also frustratingly realistic. At least Mo isn’t expelled anymore. Too bad Mo’s unwashed hands are still sticky when he shakes the principal’s hand and the joke continues.

At the end, Marcus gets bumped up to the illustrious Juror #2. Gotta love a true thespian! Case dismissed. Bring out the dancing lobsters.

Things I noticed:

- Stinky Steve is Mr. B’s defense.

- Piedmont has no respect for their students’ time. The mock trial began at 8am. Assuming that their school day begins at 9am, I bet the play participants probably hate TJ for forcing them to get up an hour earlier than normal, on top of having to do the play after school.

[sunnykeysmash]

mac and dennis’ breaking point

Or, a continuation of the analysis of the development of Mac and Dennis’ dynamic, starting from season 9 all the way to season 14.

I’ve been thinking about this post, this post and this post for quite a while now, and since the OP of the first post, @softhowerton​, never continued the analysis post as far as I’m aware, I wanted to continue it myself and throw my two cents in as I believe there is an actual, clear point that shattered the relationship as we know it at least until season 14, and it isn’t just hero or hate crime as the post suggests, in my opinion. Spoiler alert or tldr: it’s Suburbs, click read more to understand why I think so.

Ok so, I’ve been rewatching sunny casually, trying to figure it out, I’ll admit I haven’t rewatched all of them so this is only gonna be a partial analysis up until hero or hate crime, after which I’ve rewatched all episodes, but anyway I still think I have enough proof on my part. I’ve had a little bit of a journey so I’m just gonna go through it in this post to make it comprehensive. 

Sure, in the past Dennis had said he hated Mac, but it was in front of the gang (Mac Day), and even so, his actions still seemed to contradict it, and especially Mac had not noticed any significant change in behavior on Dennis’ part despite all of this. Besides, it seems his hate was born out of Mac’s tendency to seek other people’s validation and change himself in the process, which we know is something Dennis hates. 

Anyway, see Flowers For Charlie for reference of their relationship still being fine here, the You’re The Inspiration scene. We can assume Dennis saying he hates Mac to the gang in Mac Day is not when he actually starts growing distant, quite the contrary, he cares a lot, as his outburst near the end when he demands Mac to be true to himself indicates.

So at first I thought the breaking point was Boggs, the season 10 premiere. It made sense as the episode ended up being very relevant later on and it’s the first instance of Mac letting Dennis go and accidentally hurting him, plus symbolically speaking, the episode right before it is Squashes Their Beef, where the macden apartment burns down.

However I thought more about it, looked at episodes after that, and Dennis still seemed to be very close to Mac. Especially considering them not having an apartment and sleeping on Dee’s floor (presumably close to each other) as pointed out at the start of Suburbs, they did have problems and yes Dennis had already began to shift his attitude, but they were still close, a breaking point had not been reached yet, post Boggs.

See The Gang Group Dates, the episode right after Boggs, where Dennis admits to giving star ratings to his own sex tapes for Mac (and Charlie) to make it easier for them to watch the best ones.

Or see The Gang Spies Like U.S., where they share their porn recommendations together and allegedly also jack off together. In fact, if anything, it almost seems like sleeping together in Dee’s apartment has made them closer, they’re back to being attached at the hip around these episodes, so again the crack of which we are witnessing the fallout to has not happened yet.

No episodes in season 11 ring any bells in terms of major conflicts until, you guessed it, Mac & Dennis Move to the Suburbs.

And if we take this entire episode into consideration, it’s clear that they had not had a breaking point prior to this, prior to Dennis snapping and saying to Mac that he hates him right in his face.

I took the liberty of screenshotting some moments prior to their big conflict in Suburbs that really highlight how close and comfortable with each other they still were.

No episode after this one has them be this close anymore.

I don’t think I need to point out that the breaking point is in fact Dennis saying to Mac’s face that he hates him.

For Dennis, it’s a build up, he has been silently collecting reasons to be pissed in general and at Mac during the whole episode, for Mac it comes all at once, with the realization that comes with Dennis outright saying it. Nevertheless, this is when their dynamic experiences the fracture, and it’s especially detrimental that it happens in the episode where they’re framed as a stereotypical heteronormative couple, roles they’re obviously not meant to fulfill, at which they fail miserably, and which plant in Dennis’ head the idea that they might not be meant to live as a couple at all (which will later play a role in his decision in DDL), and this living as a couple while not being one and failing contributes to the overall stress.

Let me explain what I mean by Suburbs framing them in stereotypical heterosexual roles since I’m at it, it’s quite simple, it follows most tropes you’d expect.

Dennis is the typical husband; he goes to work and provides the money, he has no time to provide emotionally for the wife, and contributes nothing to the home life, while also not letting the wife experience fulfillment in other ways, out of jealousy. Despite this, he himself does seek fulfillment elsewhere, reflecting the typical husband who acts jealous while also cheating.

Mac is the typical wife; cooking, cleaning, fixing. His work is hardly acknowledged at all, so he feels underappreciated. He feels cooped up and lonely because Dennis is emotionally unavailable, and all his attempts to cope with it are met with anger, possessiveness or frustration because they’re not what the husband allows.

Finally, they get a "reparatory child" in the hopes that it’ll fix the situation, and of course it doesn't work.

Keep all of this in mind for when I’m gonna tackle DDL later on.

Furthermore, speaking of Dennis saying he hates Mac, in the episode right after Suburbs, Being Frank, we get this dialogue:

Mac: “Hey, Frank? Do you think that Dennis hates me?” Frank: “What?“ Mac: “I just want him to think that I'm cool, you know? And I just feel like- is this a little bit lame? I just feel like I can talk to you about this kind of stuff.” Frank: “Yeah? Oh, yeah, you can tell me anything.” Mac: “Really? Oh, well, honestly, I just feel like...” [...] Mac: “You know what I mean?” Frank: “Yeah, yeah. Totally, totally.” Mac: “Yeah, okay. Well, look, if you could just casually, off the cuff, mention that I can bench-press [...] I think that he'll respect me.”

Now, I might be mistaken since as I said I haven’t rewatched every episode, but as far as I remember, Mac has never asked to anyone or himself if Dennis hated him prior to this moment. Aside from all of this, it suggests a correlation between fitness stuff and impressing Dennis for Mac, which makes Mac being ripped at the start of season 13 all the more tragic, and is again reinforced when the doll shames him and he starts doing crunches in response to it.

Again, I wanna stress that Dennis and the gang knew about Mac being gay before he came out, of course it’s said in Mac Day, but we’re reminded of it yet again in The Gang Goes To Hell pt1, with the dialogue:

Mac: “There are two guys in this church that are gay.” Charlie: “Who's the other guy?” Mac: “I don’t get the joke.” Dennis: “What’s wrong with that [anyway]?”

And later when Mac actually comes out, we’re reminded by the reactions.

All this time, and especially in Mac Day, it has been implied heavily that Dennis dislikes Mac when he’s in denial and desperately trying to be someone he’s not, yet, as soon as Mac actually comes out for the first time in The Gang Goes To Hell pt2, Dennis becomes outwardly angry, defensive and distant. It’s no wonder that in Tends Bar Mac seems to think that Dennis acts like that because he’s uncomfortable with Mac being gay, as the two elements seem to coincide perfectly every time, but as Charlie rightfully points out, he already knew, so that can’t be it.

The Gang Goes To Hell pt2 actually has some interesting dialogue relating to all of this.

Mac: “Welcome to my first ever dinner party. I'm gonna have lots of these types of functions in the future, you know, with my new lifestyle.” Dennis: “Wow, you're really just diving right into that, huh? Just, stereotypes and all.” [...] Frank: “So get rid of my dog?” Mac: “Yeah, no dogs. [...] We do not allow dogs in our house, right, Dennis?” Dennis: “Wh- Our house? Wh-Why's it our house?”

A couple of interesting bits, such as Dennis getting suspiciously pissed about Mac supposedly stereotyping his own sexuality, despite it not being Dennis’ place at all to get offended.  Mac saying that dogs are not allowed in their house, one could assume because of the Suburbs incident, so again, another reference to that conflict. And finally Dennis somehow being surprised that Mac would call it their house despite the fact that they have lived together for 20 years so it’s only natural that he’d say that. Again, Dennis gets defensive.

It’s hard to pinpoint why he would, if we stress the fact that they were all always aware of Mac’s sexuality. It might be because when Mac was closeted, it was never an actual discussion, but now that he’s out he’s always mentioning it, and in general we have enough proof in the show to say that Dennis tends to get defensive at any mention of gay that could be traced back to him, even if not related to Mac at all. Remember how offended he got on Mac’s behalf in The Gang Texts when Dee called him the f word, and then how abruptly he changed the subject.

This is interesting, as the dialogue that I included from part 1 would have you assume he has no problem with the subject in general, only when it can be traced back to him, when he feels exposed or when it’s been talked about negatively. So we can assume Dennis feels uncomfortable being perceived as non-straight, and this still rings true as of season 14, to a lesser extent.

So we arrive to season 12, and what stands out to me is that Mac keeps noticing how Dennis has started to act pissed towards him all of a sudden and for seemingly no reason. Remember, both of the times Mac acknowledges it in any way before Tends Bar (which are, Being Frank and Making Dennis Reynolds A Murderer) happen when he is not out yet. So despite Dennis acting pissed in Goes To Hell pt2, he has no clear reason to be distant as of yet if we don’t consider Suburbs the breaking point, because Mac is not out yet in those two episodes.

In Making Dennis Reynolds A Murderer, we get this dialogue, after a short bickering between them with Dennis acting annoyed about their new movie night antics which Dennis insists are not funny, while Mac insists they are:

Dennis: “Are we done with this? Can we be done? I'm tired of saying the same things over and over again.” Mac: “Well, wait. Wh- hold Dennis, d-don't leave without me. I mean, dude, look, are you mad at me?”

As we know thanks to Texts, Dennis supposedly hates repeating himself. It seems there’s some communication issues at play, with Dennis constantly saying some things and Mac misinterpreting them, which deeply resembles Texts’ conflict as a whole. 

Dennis is mad about something;

Mac senses that he’s mad about something, is distressed by it which leads him to either avoid the situation or confront it directly, in this case he asks him about it. The distress also makes him insecure, which Dennis dislikes.

Dennis thinks Mac is not genuine about his distress, that he’s not actually sorry and just wants Dennis to stop being mad. Mac becoming defensive and lying, hesitating or doubling down doesn’t help his case. Mac’s track record in misunderstanding Dennis doesn’t help either (see, Dines Out, when Mac didn’t get the speech was for him, or Suburbs, when Mac didn’t get that Dennis was implying he got him a dog until he literally had to tell him). Mac does not perform well when subtext is involved, either positive or negative. Dennis only communicates in subtext, again both positive and negative. This creates a discrepancy.

Anyway, because of this, Dennis does not come forward with the reason he’s upset at Mac. He just keeps being upset.

Dennis at this point thinks Mac never listens and never gets him and is never remorseful for his actions, so he has stopped trying to communicate his hurt to him, resorting to suppressing his feelings of anger instead.

This dynamic started with the Suburbs conflict, but I need to go more in detail to explain why I think so.

Let’s take Dines Out as an example of their ideal, usual dynamic.

How do Dennis and Mac behave usually when one hurts the other?

For Mac it’s:

Dennis is hurtful to Mac (laughs about the karaoke machine)

Mac demands respect and confronts him directly

Dennis doesn't take him seriously

Mac almost goes away

Dennis reveals his feelings/apologizes to keep him from leaving

For Dennis it’s:

Mac is hurtful to Dennis (not recognizing the speech was about him) 

Dennis snaps

Mac apologizes

It used to be like this, but then Suburbs happened, and suddenly Mac is afraid that if he stands for himself Dennis will hate him, and Dennis thinks Mac doesn’t care about his feelings.

So now, post Suburbs, it’s like this.

For Mac it’s:

Dennis is hurtful to Mac

Mac doesn't say anything because he doesn't want Dennis to hate him

Dennis keeps being hurtful to Mac because he’s unaware he’s doing it 

For Dennis it’s:

Mac is hurtful to Dennis

Dennis doesn't say anything because he thinks Mac won't be genuinely sorry or won’t care

Mac keeps being hurtful to Dennis because he’s unaware he’s doing it

So it started with the explosive conflict in Suburbs, and Dennis has been clearly distant, or mad, since, as the episodes seem to point out, and it only got worse, eventually becoming exacerbated with Mac coming out and risking damaging Dennis’ public image, but not starting because of his coming out.

Dennis is also not mad because of the dog or for what Mac did, necessarily, of course that hurt him but he’s mad more in general about Mac’s inability to recognize when he has hurt Dennis and own up to it and apologize. We have seen it time and time again, that’s usually when Dennis scratches Mac, and in Texts it’s especially apparent when he comes up with an excuse instead of apologizing. Aside from that, he’s also mad at Mac’s constant need for attention and validation that was also showcased in Suburbs, amongst other things, with the terribly oppressive visual gag of Dennis opening the closet only to be inundated with Mac and Cheese boxes, symbolizing Mac’s overflowing need to please Dennis and receive praise from him.

As of Chokes and Texts, it seems that both of these conflicts have found a resolution. 

Chokes resolved Mac’s problem in dynamic, letting him once again stand up for himself even against Dennis. Texts on the other hand resolved their problems of miscommunication but specifically Dennis’ problem in dynamic, letting him know that Mac does feel sorry when he hurts him. Again, all very positive developments.

So, getting back on track, the episode right after Making Dennis Reynolds A Murderer is, in fact, Hero Or Hate Crime.

Despite saying that he hates Mac at the end, which I interpret to be entirely performative, he still makes the very nice gesture of proposing that they let him have the rest of the day to feel happy. 

Not only does this clearly show that Dennis doesn’t hate Mac, even post Suburbs, it shows that he cares about Mac’s feelings to some extent, and it also shows that he’s happy for him that he came out. He’s not reacting negatively, he’s not lashing out at Mac. He might’ve been deeply impacted, as we see in his expression and behavior, but he does not hate Mac for the choice of coming out. I’d go as far as to say that he’s proud of him. And it checks out with what we know thanks to Mac Day.

PTSDee doesn’t give us more insight on his relationship with Mac, but he doesn’t go out of his way to try to include Mac at all.

The episode after this, The Gang Tends Bar, is a clear example of the argument I was trying to make. Dennis ignoring his feelings and acting like everything is fine, until he no longer can, he’s cornered and he snaps.

Everything I can say about this episode has already been said better by the post I linked at the beginning, but still, notice the dialogue:

Mac: “[Dennis] is acting, like, so weird, especially towards me. I think it's because I'm gay and he's, like, totally uncomfortable with it.” Charlie: “Yeah- Well, no, 'cause he's known that forever, so it's, you know...”

The episode itself does not show us Dennis being particularly distant to Mac, so we can assume that this is meant to be taken in general. Again reaffirming what we know.

All in all, Dennis wants Mac to care about him and his feelings, wants to feel loved by him, but is not ready to be perceived as non-straight, so he ends up pushing Mac away, which comes easier considering how he’s still mad at Mac at this point in time.

Although, more than mad, as Dennis’ Double Life happens, I’d say he feels hopeless, that’s what his final stare communicates to me.

As the RPG, the symbol that represents romantic love and the possibility of a romantic relationship with Mac, sits on the counter right at the end, as the apartment is fixed like nothing ever happened (which reinforces the concept that Mac tends to sweep conflicts under the rug in Dennis’ eyes), he wonders if maybe what he has with Mac is truly unfixable, and decides to go away and try to seek what he truly desires (romantic love and to settle down) with someone else, but not before hesitating at the door, hoping Mac will care enough to stop him.

By going away, he’s in part trying to rebuild a life for himself like he wants, and in part hoping that the drastic gesture will lead Mac to care, without realizing that he already does. As the title suggests, a true Double Life.

So it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that Dennis’ Double Life deeply parallels Suburbs.

Starting from the obvious, the trend of the names of Dennis’ serious lovers starting with “Ma” continues.

Maureen, Mandy, Mac. 

Yes Mac is not a lover as of yet, but the implication is clear, and it doesn’t end there.

Check this dialogue:

Mac: “You got me a dog?” Dennis: “Yeah.” Mac: “Oh, Dennis, Dennis. I'm gonna name him Dennis. You're Dennis. He's Dennis Jr.” [...] Dennis: “You with me, buddy?” Mac: “I'm with you. I'm gonna raise this guy like he was our own son.”

So, metatextually, Dennis has a “son” with Mac in Suburbs, that Mac names with Dennis’ name + Jr.

And then, in DDL, it’s discovered that Dennis had a son with Mandy, which she called Brian Jr. His perceived name, Brian LeFevre + Jr.

Making a parallel this clear leaves me to assume that Dennis’ “double lives” mirror each other in every aspect, including his potential relationship with Mac being that of a couple.

And with the RPG, which again symbolizes their romantic love (it was inside the crate, which Dennis remarks “is always empty, there’s nothing in it”, because he has “opened crates” all his life and never found love, which is, as he says, “the one thing he wanted more than anything else in the entire world”; so, as I said, a loving relationship where he can settle, like he was trying to build with Maureen, and like he tries again to build with Mandy, failing both times as there is no love on his part), again sitting on the counter in DDL as Dennis leaves, it seems that the only thing standing between Mac and Dennis and a relationship at that point in time is the conflicts born because of Suburbs, which were still unresolved during DDL. And so Dennis leaves.

What happens from this point forward is shrouded in mystery to me.

The entirety of season 13 is vague, ambiguous, and I can only give my personal interpretation of it, so that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Verbally, and in public, Dennis keeps pushing Mac away. Of course, they’re still mad at each other because the ND incident has scarred them both and they’re hurt, plus they haven’t resolved their issues, but surprisingly enough, Dennis shows no problem with inconspicuous intimacy. He holds Mac by the shoulders when they’re alone in Escapes, he keeps his leg uncomfortably close to Mac’s in Times Up and even shares complicit glances in Time’s Up the likes of which we haven’t seen since Suburbs. He also outwardly seeks Mac’s attention in New Wheels (you could argue he seeks the gang’s attention, but the framing of all the shots make it look like he’s talking only to Mac), and wants him to come to the concert in Bathroom Problem.

Mac on the other hand is letting Dennis have full control, but it appears that he’s no longer walking on eggshells trying not to get Dennis to hate him, he’s not avoiding saying when he’s hurt when he has to. He doesn’t protest often, but he does do it, in Bathroom Problem for example, or when he asks Dennis when the photo of him he shows in Time’s Up was taken, or when he ignores him at the start of New Wheels, so the reason for Mac not saying anything most times must have changed. I don’t know what it would be, possibly just not to hurt Dennis if he can help it.

At the same time, Dennis is going out of his way to be mean to Mac, by lashing out where he knows it hurts. The first thing he says to him as he comes back is “Hey, Mac, did you gain a little weight?”, and in Time’s up, again “Well, guess what, pal? You are ugly, and it doesn't matter how much you work out. It's never gonna change that fact.”

Actually, let’s take Time’s Up.

His whole rethoric and speech towards Mac falls apart at face value the moment you actually recognize his message.

Dennis: “But guys, I got some good news for you. Okay? It's not a crime to be ugly. But you can't be ugly and sloppy.” [...] Dennis: “I got the documents to prove it, so don't try coming at me. But some of you you just haven't been careful enough. So you're asking yourself, "What can I do to save myself now?" You got to clean up your act. Otherwise, you're going down, and you're gonna take me down with you, and I ain't going down.”

When it comes to the others, it makes sense, what they do is recurrent criminal activity, and if they get busted he gets busted. But in which way does this apply to his very personal rant to Mac? How is Mac being affectionate the way they’ve always been in the past going to bring him down, especially considering he never had a problem with it in the past and especially considering he has not done anything particularly unusual that we could see in recent times? 

Continuing:

Dennis: “I'm just saying we need to be more careful so we don't get accused.” Mac: “And we should probably stop harassing them.” Dennis: “Uh, well, you know, I don't know. One step at a time.”

Dennis’ point was never “stop doing what you’re doing”, it was don’t get caught doing it, have proof that you didn’t do it, that you weren’t complicit. What’s his proof? The public rejection he just did.

Dennis: “You know, you got to stop kissing me, man. I don't want it. I don't want you touching me at all. Okay, it's never gonna happen. All right? Not willingly.”

By publicly stating this, he’s constructing a clear alibi for himself in case he gets caught, but his intent was never to ask anyone to stop what they’re doing, just to stop being sloppy with it.

Which is why this whole episode, coupled with the subtext in Escapes about “keeping it between themselves”, is very confusing to me, as a whole, for their implications.

Either way, in Bathroom Problem it’s shown that Dennis still feels insecure in his sexuality or uncomfortable with being mistaken for non-straight, going out of his way to point out time and time again how much of a heterosexual male he is.

Skipping Clip Show’s moment of realization (”Dennis, everyone knows that the most annoying person in the world is Mac. So why would you ever want to live with him?”) since it’s unclear what exactly happened, this leads us to Mac Finds His Pride.

Nothing of note here, except for Dennis supposedly feeling claustrophobic driving the pride float, and Mac saying he’s “not ready for a relationship”.

And that is pretty much it. Despite everything, aside from Chokes and Texts, there isn’t much indication of what’s going on between them in season 14.

They seem to be back to being reasonably close, and there seems to be something that is making Dennis progressively angrier as the season advances, but it’s left mostly unclear what that is, especially considering that he’s still unbelievably mad in Global Warming, Jumper and Chop, despite the conflict between them being already resolved by that point.

Dennis is somehow shown to be “uncomfortable” sharing a bed with Mac, despite having slept next to him on Dee’s floor for at least a good year in the past, but he’s not against physical contact, he has no problem stretching on top of him in Chokes, or letting him massage his pecs after a workout (although that’s in private). He looks happy when Mac winks at him, and he even winks at Mac himself while saying “smash test” in Jumper, whatever that implies.

All in all, they’re comfortable with public touching and vicinity again, and the problems that stemmed from Suburbs should be resolved, so it must be something else making Dennis mad and frustrated, and whatever that is it has something to do with Mac failing to do something. Thanks to Chokes, Global Warming and Jumper, we know it seems Dennis wants Mac to do something, but what that is hasn’t been revealed in text yet, so we can only assume.

Still, Dee Day seems eager to remind us about Dennis’ Feelings, with the dialogue:

Dennis: “Today of all days, and now I'm being forced to listen to her feelings? I won't do it. And who cares about her feelings anyway? Nobody, that's who. What about my feelings? Now, that's interesting.”

So I’ll leave it at that. Either way, if season 15 does happen, it seems the direction their dynamic is headed towards is very much promising. Fingers crossed.

[jessicajonesrp]

An Awkward favor (reposted, since I screwed up response in last one)

It's been about a week since Jessica told Luke that she was pregnant and they were going to be parents. It was news that Luke was excited to hear even tho it scares the hell out of both him and Jessica they were still quite happy. However his wife's unrelenting hatred of doctors is a REAL PAIN IN THE ASS!

It came down to either she bit the bullet and see a doctor or Luke did something that was completely uncomfortable for all involved. It took a day or two for him to get up the nerve to make the call, funny the man can let a grenade explode in his face but calling her made him hesitant.

After finally making the call a meeting time was set..a neutral spot in a Manhattan coffee shop. Luke debated taking Jessica with him, I mean this was basically walking off a cliff for him because who knows what his firecracker of a wife will do but this is for the sake of their baby so he really didn't have a choice.

They arrived about 20 minutes early and found a table towards the back. It wasn't long until a woman walked up to them and sat down, she wore a short jacket to cover up her dark blue scrubs, the meeting time apparently coincided with her next shift. Luke stood up, pulling out a chair for her, smiling at the woman to cover up the awkward feelings he had seeing her again.

"Hey Claire, thanks for coming." 

Claire eyes him for a second before smiling and addresses Jessica holding out her hand. "You're Jessica Jones? Hi I'm Claire it's nice to meet you." 

Luke thrown a little when she ignores him but not so much that he doesn't notice the wedding ring on her finger.

"You're married..Congratulations I'm happy for you."

j

Jessica had always thought that she was the one with mental issues in their marriage. Apparently she was wrong, and Luke had hidden depths of crazy of his own. Because what kind of guy thought his ex wanted to be the baby doctor person- whatever, she wasn't an expert on pregnancy related terminology yet- of his current wife? Or that she, said wife, would be comfortable with the idea of a woman her husband assumedly slept with looking at her naked?

The only reason she even agreed to a meeting with Claire to see if the woman didn't laugh in both their faces, which was no less than Jessica expected, was because Luke trusted her. And for Jessica, that said a lot. She was very skittish with any touch from anyone not within her tiny circle of trusted ones, doctors included. Even pre Kilgrave- after all, it was doctors who made her and Phillip what they were. But if Luke trusted someone, she in turn trusted him, which was more than could be said for a random stranger.

Besides, this was not an ordinary baby or pregnancy. If she had to see a doctor, it had to be one with superhuman experience.

"Yeah, hi," Jessica nodded stiffly, giving Claire a brief glance over and wondering if the woman was doing the same towards her. She shook her hand as quickly as was minimally polite and as was her way, got to it.

"You probably wonder why the hell your ex would ask you to come meet his wife when she isn't obviously about to die, so lets get to that so you can turn us down and go. Right, I'm pregnant, and I hate doctors, because of many reasons, and he says I have to go to some doctor. And he says he trusts you, and I trust him, but obviously with you being ex and me being current you're going to say no. So, sorry for wasting your time."

She starts to back away, ready to leave since she assumes she just had the whole conversation for everyone.

Claire looks at Jessica bewildered. "Excuse me, first of all you don't know me..At all! Second I'm a medical professional so if someone needed my help I have to help them third ain't nobody thinking about yo man or dying to see you naked. Now how about you asked me what you wanted to ask me and let me decide on rather or not I'll do Boo for your skinny ass!" With that she turns to Luke and begins cussing at him in what is probably the dirtiest Spanish on the planet.

Luke holding up his hands in his defense says the equivalent of Yes yes, I'm sorry, but please we need your help back to her in Spanish and smiles at her, 

Claire tries to bring herself to cuss more but sighs before turning back to Jessica. "Look.." sighing again "You need someone that knows how to monitor you and your bady.. And I have experience dealing with you kind of people..So look Luke's a jackass but..Damn that's all I got he's a jackass, so let me help you."

Turning back to Luke. "I don't do this stuff for free anymore, this won't be cheap because some of the stuff we'll need is expensive..But Mr. Big Time that shouldn't be a problem for you."

 Luke nods yes. "Whatever you need I'll take care of it..But this is absolutely on the down low Claire..So not even your husband can know about this." He looks at Jessica concerned "Guess it comes to you Jessica, what do you want to do..If not the hospital or Claire, something else?"

"We'll do whatever you want." Claire moves closer and smiles again "This is some awkward shit but I can do this..Hell I've done harder with less than what your husband just agreed to buy and not be cheap about it either." Giving Luke the side eye 

"Its gonna be ok.. I'm off Sunday, I'll come by the club and take a look at you." 

Luke interrupts her "Actually we have a place in Harlem, it's nice I'll text you the address." 

Claire gives Jessica one more look of assurance.

Jessica turned back to face Claire, taken aback by her attitude. This was the first time she had met someone who was actually more verbally feisty than she herself, and for a second she just stared at her, a little stunned by her response. She was still processing that the woman had more than just dished back at what Jessica had laid out at her, and was in the middle of turning over in her mind how Claire had figured out she was squeamish about her seeing her naked while simultaneously calling her skinny, before the Spanish flurry of exchanges started.

"That's fine, anyway I have to get to the hospital to start my shift, so see you Sunday?" She looks at Jessica waiting for an answer.

Jessica, who knows about as many Spanish words as might be uttered in a Taco Bell commercial, outright stares when Luke starts responding back to her in Spanish in return. She had no idea that he knew Spanish, let alone enough to be able to understand the rapid, angry-sounding spew of words that Claire had just flung at him.  Her taut shoulders ease up a little as she watches, and she slowly starts to smirk.

“Damn, Luke. I’m starting to see a pattern, you really like women that say it how they see it, huh.”

When they finally start speaking English again and Claire addresses her directly, Jessica stiffens, not liking her calling Luke a jackass, but she can get why she would feel that way, considering the position he’s putting her in as his ex.

“So…wait, you’ll actually do this? Even though you sounded like you wanted to take his head off a second ago?”

When Claire continued to assure her, she shifts nervously, playing with the sleeve of her jacket.

“What stuff do you need? The expensive stuff you’re talking about. And, uh, what do you need to do to me, exactly?”

She hesitates, hating as usual to have to actually verbalize any kind of feelings-related, vulnerability-involved things, but if this woman is going to be her doctor, it’s more than likely going to be a necessity, so she makes herself spit it out.

“It’s not really the you being ex thing that trips me out, okay.” She took a breath, then ground out, “ I have PTSD. I don’t always do great with people touching me. And the last few encounters I’ve had with doctors have been the doctors that made me what I am, and the doctor that made my rapist who he was. Who also happened to be his father, and trying to save his life, but that’s a whole different story. I’m not trying to be an asshole, I just…..it isn’t anything personal.”

She looked towards Claire, but not directly at her as she finally answered. “If you’re willing, I guess I’ll try. I want the baby to be okay. Just…you have to tell me what you’re doing, and why, and stuff.”

[silver-wield]

Nobody asked for this one, but I said I was gonna do it anyway. Barret and Cloud's friendship development.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna make a mile long post. I'm just gonna hit on the key moments, but I think these two deserve a bit of spotlight.

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be reasonably long.

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Other analyses if anyone’s interested.

Shinra HQ vision scene (Cloti/plot analysis) 

Chapter 3 (Cloti reblog) 

Tifa character analysis 

Aerith Resolution (plot analysis/theory – I should probably update this since I’ve had other ideas since then) 

Train graveyard (not really an analysis, but I got some sweet screenshots of Cloti) 

Clotiscrew tunnel analysis 

Cloti reunion analysis 

The Promise Analysis 

Andrea’s approval (Cloti ask response) 

Leslie analysis (not mine, but a good read) 

Cloti action touching 

Aerti friendship analysis 

Cloti body language chapter 3 

Cloti healthy disagreement 

Cloti post heliboss battle (chapter 15) 

Clerith playground scene 

Cloti body language plate fall 

Now, strap in and enjoy the ride.

I'm not recapping the whole game lol

Chapter 1: Barret isn't impressed one bit with Cloud. Watching back their early interactions and I keep noticing this sad look on Cloud's face when he's excluded. But then, I'm also like “Well you pushed them away first”. But I also wanna hug him.

Yeah, so Barret isn't impressed and he's outright hostile, calling Cloud names and antagonising him. He even shoots at Cloud and then raises his gun to take out a security bot. This man doesn't like Cloud and isn't afraid to show it.

You gotta remember, Barret is 6'5 and built like a brick shit house and has a machine gun on his arm. He's not someone to mess with. Taking that in, Cloud's dismissiveness is pretty impressive. I mean he's almost a foot shorter than Barret, after all, and his sword probably weighs more than him lol

Perhaps by the end of the chapter – after Cloud saves Jessie – Barret might have thawed a tiny bit towards him, but he's still mistrusting and doesn't like him.

Chapter 2 and there's not a lot of interaction between them. Barret does actually agree with Cloud when he says “what's done is done” in reference to the destruction. This shows Barret is pragmatic and not against Cloud himself, just his role. After that, Cloud's alone for the rest of the chapter until the above screen when he leaps into the cargo carriage of the train and Barret says, “You had me worried for a minute.”

He looks caught out when the others all look at him because he's been a total dick to Cloud throughout the mission, but this shows he cares about his team, even if he doesn't like everyone on it. Showing concern for his people is the trait of a leader and if the game were showcased differently we could assume that Barret is our leading man.

“The folks down here don't have the luxury of choice, you know.”

Still in chapter 2 and this is such a great moment between Cloud and Barret! There's no arguing, just Barret giving Cloud a different perspective that's not the badass merc “Idc” one he's showcasing. You can see once the conversation is over that Cloud grows introspective, so Barret's words clearly resonated with him. This looks like another marker on Cloud's chart of going from a douchebag to a decent human being. He thinks about how things are for other people. Later, Marle tells him to consider others feelings, too. To listen. I'm loving all these small moments that come together to build a clearer of picture of Cloud's development.

Barret actually removes his sunglasses – why is he wearing them at night? – to meet Cloud's eye. This is a gesture that shows his sincerity and belief in his words. He's not just blustering for the sake of it. He cares about the people and the planet.

Chapter 3 and we don't see Barret until near the end. He's back to being snappy with Cloud – understandable since he's being a dick going on about money.

(aside: can I just squee at Cloud smiling at Tifa through this whole bit. He's such a dork)

And when we see Barret again he's very professional and courteous. There's no emotion in his tone and his words are very formal. He could be talking to anybody. His head dips as he's speaking, in an effort to lower himself more to Cloud's physical level. On an emotional one, he's making himself non-threatening. This isn’t a confrontation is what he’s putting out.

Cloud doesn't look happy at the dismissal and something we know about him is his desire for acceptance, so this probably hurts, although he acts otherwise.

We're up to chapter 5 and this is a turning point between Cloud and Barret's budding friendship. Barret's in battle dialogue makes it clear he's trying to show off in front of Cloud, who's dismissive still. There's a lot of back and forth between them in the kind of guy banter that suggests they kind of respect each other, but they also just have to put up with each other.

The above screen is the second before Cloud says to Barret that he's better than that in response to his arguing with the Shinra manager. Barret seems surprised Cloud even tries with him, but what's more telling is this expression from Cloud shows he gave it some thought before speaking. He considered the right words to address Barret which shows he's thought about the kind of reaction Barret could have. He took in Barret��s words from chapter 2 and Marle’s from chapter 3. This is called character development!

Chapter and Cloud throws some shade and Barret blusters lol

Tbf Barret's grown a lot less hostile since chapter 1. He's not as combative to Cloud, nor is he maliciously insulting him anymore. They've entered a stage of snarky banter, which we all know is one of the big steps on the road to friendship lol

Clearly Barret being able to see Cloud in action and rely on him in battle – not to mention Tifa's enduring good opinion – are starting to colour his own opinion.

(Tifa actually rears back when Barret waves his arm around in this bit lol)

Barret looking to Cloud for back up here. I mean, they're all in the shit, but this is interesting that he's looking to Cloud for that reassurance they're gonna continue kicking ass. The fact Cloud agrees without even the tiniest disagreement is probably the first time they're genuinely on the same page through their own choice.

Let the friendship begin!

Now, I bet you're thinking I picked this one to showcase cloti, well you're wrong. This is an example of how Barret's mellowed towards Cloud from his chapter 1 hostility to now. Cloud disagrees with him and instead of getting pissed that his leader decision is overruled, he lets it go.This could be a moment of contention between them, but they’ve both grown enough over the game to get to the point that not everything between them is a fight.

Now, maybe Barret's saying this because he thinks Cloud is about to die, but that seems selfish and like he's saying it to make himself feel better after being a douchebag, and for a selfless man like Barret I just don't buy it. He's genuinely regretful of his past actions and this is the point between the two of them that they can start again and actually become proper friends.

There's no time for much of a guy reunion between them when Barret does see Cloud again all the way over in chapter 12 -- that’s a long ass time apart for Barret to think about how he treated Cloud -- and we kind of brush past Barret's feelings because the plate collapse takes priority.

After that, Barret is much nicer to Cloud, trying to get his praise in battle and being a proper support to him. There's still that snarky banter between them, but the hostile edge has gone. We see a culmination of their friendship development during the stairs climbing sequence. Where before their banter had a hard edge and combative nature to it, this is very friendly and full of jokes and warmth. Barret has definitely softened towards Cloud and considers him a real friend. You can't fake that shit.

Conclusion

Yeah, I kinda cut this short and didn't do the latter half of the game, but that's because it's much more clear than this early development. Focusing on the small interactions between them that built a gradual friendship, it took a huge shock to get Barret to reassess his opinion of Cloud and him dropping from the reactor, going missing and then showing up to save the day covered it. It was like he got a reset and from that he dropped his prejudiced preconceived ideas about Cloud and opened up to him more. Because there’s such a huge gap between the time Barret sees Cloud again, it’s easy to miss the middle part of their friendship. The part where it goes from dislike to like. It’s easy to remember Barret hating Cloud and then see them being a team after chapter 12 because those moments stick in your mind more. It’s the transition that gets lost.

I love their development and how they become friends. It's not the kind of friendship that Barret shows with Red. Those two are bros the instant they met. Cloud and Barret's relationship is more complicated because of Cloud's role and identity. It takes Barret a long time to see past that persona, especially when he's only got evidence of that to go on – unlike Tifa. Once he does, he gives Cloud his full support and trust.

I, for one, can’t wait to see how they go forward in Barret’s arc.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S4 Ep 23: Roland Freaks Out for 25 Straight Minutes

Oh man, took a break from the blog for a bit there because I gave myself a project to do that is 160ish color panels to draw by June 30th and um...it takes a while to do that, it turns out. Every time I’m like “wow I actually have enough time to make a buffer for the blog” I get so distracted.

But anyways, I started having some issues with my wacom tablet, my mouse is a nightmare, and so...I’m just gonna look the other way and write a recap and unplug all of the wacom stuff and just stay the hell away from whatever happened to that...tablet.

maybe It’ll be fine tomorrow?

*sweats nervously*

Thank God I didn’t buy a cintique, that’s all I’ll say. 

Anyway, lets go back to Yugioh. Where were we?

That’s right. Mokuba is checking in with my favorite Kaiba, Roland, who is currently just trying to keep the company running while the official Kaibas are flying to California.

And I’ll be honest, as I was typing this I thought “and why are they going to California again?” and it took me like...10 minutes to remember that Seto dropped absolutely everything and jumped on this massive plane in order to beat Rafael at cards to win the title “King of Games” which...Yugi had already lost to Rebecca about 2 years ago prior, but don’t tell that to Seto. Or Rebecca.

Also don’t tell Seto that the “King of Games” title originally comes from being possessed by a very emo ghost that has a tendency to set people on fire with Russian whiskey and has nothing to do with whatever shenanigans went down with Pegasus.

Honestly, I like to think that in the modern version of this show, Pegasus threw the “King of Games” line out there as like a corny joke, and when the teenagers started latching onto it like it was real, he was like “Oh what?” and left it alone because he just got his left eye ripped out of his face and was very distracted by the large amount of cultists in his basement that he suddenly needed to let go.

But youknow it’s the end of the world, Kaiba’s company is being bought out by a competitor, one of Dartz’ assassins are trying to kill both him and his brother, but he has to go to California immediately to play Rafael while he has the chance. Not sure how Alister got the tip-off that Kaiba would be flying back to California so quickly, but knowing the Kaibas, they probably jump on a plane several times a week.

I’m just still baffled that Mokuba’s doing this over a cell phone. That he was like “I better call someone.” and instead of calling the Airline or the Coastguard he’s like “I’ll call Roland💗”

I’m pretty sure Roland saw that phone ringing with Mokuba in the callerID and was like “NO NO NO NO NO”

(read more under the cut)

Luckily for Roland, everyone at Kaiba corp has to learn how to fly planes in order to pass the entry exam.

For reals though, that plane just casually bumped off a mountain like it’s in Diddy Kong Racing.

There’s a lot of levels of brother’s saving brothers in this episode. You have Seto who thinks he’s saving Mokuba, but in fact it is Mokuba saving Seto by keeping this plane afloat. And then in reality, you can take another brother step backward and say it was Roland who was saving Mokuba who was saving Seto by giving the phone to that rando, and take even another step backward and say it was this Random Guy who was saving Roland who was saving Mokuba who was saving Seto.

So in reality, no brothers were really able to save eachother, it was actually that one secretary at the desk who screamed “JUST PULL THE LEVER HARDER, I DUNNO” until it worked.

But just remember that the theme of this episode is brothers saving brothers, although Mokuba is too small to really fly this plane, and Seto is too crazy to stop this duel and Roland is not really the secret inept heir of the Kaiba bloodline, and only in my little headcanon.

And also, I just have no idea who that random secretary is.

Anyways, Alister made this thing happen on the field.

Hey guys?

How many guns do you need on a tank?

Like I...

That is a hilarious amount of guns on this tank.

Like every character designer part of me is dying right now. It’s when you’re learning Maya, and you finally figure out the duplicate tool, and you just--you just strap a billion guns on a spaceship. We’ve all done this.

But like...this gunship has a face, and that face has it’s own tiny Oricalchos.

All I’m saying is that Alister is having a hell of a time in his Maya 101 class he takes at the local community college when he’s not busy working for Kaiba Corp Airlines or busy killing people for Dartz. I want to know what grade he got on this project, because in my Maya classes the only people who were this dedicated were building weird ass warships for their games or building intense 3D My Little Pony fanfic.

Here’s a list I can think of from the top of my head of challenges Seto Kaiba either quit or completely failed outright (basically the times Seto has NOPEd out or been forcibly kicked out):

-Joey Wheeler’s many challenges and also Spanish Class (as mentioned above)

-Beating Yugi in a card game

-Not joining Pegasus’ tourney initially so he could go on a vacation.

-We’ll just assume he’s only taken like a bunch of random college classes but only got an honorary degree

-Chess (like he was a Grand Master at one point but wtv, cards exist now)

-Didn’t arrest the Big Five or remove them from his mmo so they freakin died in there.

-Being the actual owner of the Millennium Rod

-Every time Yami tells him that they should be friends

-That whole story line where he was dating a dragon in a past life

-fulfilling that prophecy of killing Yami in the present timeline to end the world

-attempting to blow up his own battle city tournament before it was over because he didn’t win

-Getting all 3 Godcards

-When a possessed Tristan appeared over a mountain top to duel everyone and Seto just went “I’m out” and simply walked away

-Flying a blimp from point A to point B without it setting on fire

-Getting his Dad to build an amusement park

-Just anything to do with Noah

-the existence of magic in general

-every attempt he’s had to rebrand Kaiba Corp as “funtime games inc I swear we don't make tanks anymore, stop looking at all the tanks”

-Seto Kaiba’s entire Destiny storyline this season that he has gone way out of his way to get away from.

And like I’m sure there’s more, but I feel like half of Kaiba’s MO is that he is either Too Good To Bother With This or he has Lost Everything Very Dramatically. Mokuba at least has the right idea, by being one of the few people who has beaten Yugi Muto by peacing out halfway through the duel and stealing all Yugi’s stuff off of Yugi’s side of the table.

Anyway, despite it being like...5 seconds since we saw Roland in a weird cyber room in what I assume was Japan, we now see him with his head pressed against the glass of this helicopter being like “BOYS NO NOT AGAIN WHY”

And youknow, Roland was just trying to do the right thing, but he accidentally made things a million times worse by just showing up.

And so Alister was like “well I better crash the plane now with this gust of green energy that destroys all mechanical equipment.”

Really not sure how Alister was planning to leave this plane after this duel was over. I don’t know if he thinks that far ahead.

this isn’t even a joke I made up, Roland really did run up to the pilot and was like “Just throw down some ladders! That should work!” and it’s like...Do you not see the giant ship covered in a thousand guns right now, Roland?

And then Alister and Seto decide to have a fight about ethics where they’re both pretty wrong.

I mean it’s not the exact line but yes this is basically what Seto said, point blank, and I was like “well...at least he owns it.”

So cards happen, dragons get played (so MANY dragons) and because we had to end this arc, Alister loses the duel as we kind of knew he would.

And then Mokuba, because he knows no other life, sees an asshole older brother in pain and just wants to adopt him.

Enjoy that trauma tossed onto your already megalith sized trauma pile, Mokuba.

Elsewhere, the legendary dragons have started syncing again, which is a weird thing that they can do that none of these guys have any control of.

Mostly it just irritates whoever is holding these cards at the time.

But behold! the glory!

The glory of three tubby dragons wielding a plane!

It’s what Kaiba always wanted but he had absolutely no idea he was doing it. Will anyone tell him that he managed to summon three dragons to fly him around the sky like a mamma bird? No. No one bothers to tell him that his wildest dreams just came true.

FYI There were other stills of more of the dragons and the plane, but I kept pausing on instances where it kinda looked like they were humping the plane so I gave up.

But, at least we all get to meet up, around the smoke coming out the back of this giant plane that now...will just sit here...until someone sues KaibaCorp over it, I guess.

Like a soccermom, now Roland gets to give the whole frenemy crew a ride with...copters or whatever.

I dont’ know how Roland got here, y’all.

This happens a lot with animated shows, youknow, there’s a lot of plot threads, a lot of scenes and episodes that get freelanced out and outsourced, and people who make these shows aren’t working on the whole thing at once, they’re just going off of director notes--so there’s a good chance they had no idea that Roland...just shouldn’t be here.

But it’s OK, I enjoy whenever Roland is panicking in the background. He’s good set dressing.

Seto does not give any more explanation of this corpse.

And then, sprinting as fast as he could out of his copter comes Roland, who does what Roland does best. It’s this moment where you would usually see a parental figure reveal how much they care and adore their little children. But because it’s Roland, and these are the Kaibas, he instead takes this moment to reveal exactly how inept he is at the very last second.

Never change, Roland. I love this massive green haired disappointment.

Anyway, I’m not sure when I’ll get the next update out, since I’ll be knee deep in drawing art I don’t need to draw, but just know I’m not dead. Usually I post fanart or whatever, but all I have is this Dartz I started drawing but he just has so much hair that I don’t think that one will ever get even remotely finished.

But anyway, if you just got here, this is a link to read these from the start.

[alinaastarkov]

Some times i feel like you're making shit up exactly because you know your followers will believe anything you say. i hate j*nsa with a burning passion, but i've NEVER seen them claiming jon would choose sansa because she's pretty and arya isn't. I've also sparcely seen jaime x sansa shippers, and i've never seen them "replace" brienne with sansa because sansa is pretty. I'd be nice if you could start sourcing these evil sansa stans, because it seems like you're always making shit up

I’m not making anything up.

J*nsas don’t explicitly say that, of course they don’t. They would absolutely be in the wrong if they just came out and said that. What they do say is stuff like “Arya isn’t as pretty as her sister”, “Jon likes ladylike women (based on zero evidence, with in fact plenty of evidence to contrary)”, “Arya is too far gone”, “Jon wouldn’t be ok with who Arya is now”, “Jon has a pre-canon crush”, “Arya is going to die and become one with Nymeria and Sansa is going to have her as a pet,” etc. I’m also not going to search through blogs, most of which I have blocked for good reason, to get links when people ask me stuff. If you want the evidence, by all means go find it, but I try and keep myself in a positive mood and reading that stuff doesn’t help. But, when I say I’ve seen something, I absolutely have, and many others have as well. I am not the only one saying this.

As for Jaime x Sansa, as I said in that answer, I have rarely seen anything from the ship and I haven’t seen what the anon talked about. I stated that outright. When I get an ask, if it’s just asking me a question, I prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are telling the truth, and then give my opinion on it. I certainly made certain to say I have never seen this myself and asked for a link so I could verify. Seeing as I haven’t seen this, I obviously don’t have a source.

If I haven’t seen any example of what an anon is talking about, I never claim to. The same thing happened with Sansan and I ended up talking with some people from the fandom and it was all cleared up. I am always waiting to be proven wrong, or rather, in these cases where I actually haven’t seen anything, I am waiting for these anons to be proven wrong. When I have seen examples, I am still waiting to be proven wrong (or right, if my opinion is positive) cause I like to think well of people. Until then, however, I’m just gonna keep on keeping on 😊

[live-love-laugh-lesbian]

Choose Me Again

(I posted this on ao3 like, a month ago or so, but not on here-)

Summary: Emile Picani is born without a soulmate mark, a "Spare". Thankfully he meets someone who doesn't care about the rules, and has enough overconfidence to pull off a fake soulmate mark for far too long. Emile can't help but fall in love with that sort of person. Maybe his brother was right, Deceit really is a bad influence.

Words: 5,643

Emile Picani was born without a soulmate, just a blank wrist.

His parents were a typical love story in their world. They met young, their names burning bright on their wrists, shock and awe and excitement as they realised they’d found their soulmate. They stayed together through high school, of course, and got married as soon as they finished university. His mother wore a pretty mermaid tail white dress, his father had gushed over how lucky he was to have such a beautiful soulmate, and two years later they’d had Emile’s older brother Logan, who was born with the name Roman Prince on his wrist in deep red. It sparkled in the sun, and Emile swore there were flecks of gold within it.

 But then Emile was born, pale blank wrists, a doctor reassuring his parents that many people don’t develop their marks until later. That he had one patient who got it at “the cut off mark”, and how lucky they were, how close they were to not having one!

 So his parents relaxed, assumed he’d develop one in due course.

 He was three when he first realised he was “different” than his family. Logan was only two years older than him, and really didn’t understand as much as he’d like to pretend.  So when Emile traced over the curves of the R and asked why he didn’t have a name, Logan had said they were still looking for someone good enough for him.

 Emile found it funny, had blushed, made some high pitched squawking noise, and continued playing. His parents overheard, and used it as the reason whenever the question came up. Anything to make their son feel normal.

 Emile went to playgroup, met a variety of children with a variety of names. Only a couple didn’t have theirs yet, but they were too young to really understand why it was such a big deal.  Em  ile met  Remy there,  a boy with pitch black letters scrawled over his wrist, deep and inky.

“October,” Emile reads proudly, “I don’t know anyone named after a month though...”

 R  emy shrugs,  picks up  a pen and starts doodling over a sheet of paper, as blank as Emile’s arms.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s a dumb name. Yours is cooler.”

 E  mile smiled, gap toothed and  rosy cheeked,  looking forwards to the day he met someone with his name on them.  He liked to imagine it as pink and bubbly,  maybe with a sparkle like his brothers.  He started looking at his wrist more often, imagining  the name that would appear.

 B  y the time the year ended and he had to start school with Remy, he was the only person he knew without a name. Just a blank wrist.

“It’s ok,” his mother reassures him, “my grandmother didn’t get hers until the cut off point. She was thirteen! A day later and she’d have been a Spare!”

 Spare.  Emile doesn’t understand the word as an insult, but Logan does, and he understands  that it’s bad the day Logan comes home complaining  a kid called Emile a Spare.

“Like a spare pencil?” Emile asks, almost hopefully, “you know, in case you need an extra one!”

 H  e was young, but old enough to recognise pity.  He sees it in how his mother smiles sadly, his brother runs a hand through his hair, and his father nods.

“Yes, Emile. Like...a spare pencil.”

 R  emy  works it out before him, of course, the two sat under a tree  reading  when Remy blurts out that  his mother thinks Emile’s a Spare.

“She says you’re not gonna get a mark,” he says, “but she’s wrong. You’re not a Spare, don’t worry.”

“What’s a Spare?” Emile asks, “people keep saying the word, but I don’t get it.”

“Just means someone without a name. They used to believe it was the universe making sure there were people left over in case of death or something,” Remy says it like he’s been told it a million times, “it’s sad. I’ve never met a Spare before though. Maybe they don’t exist.”

“Maybe,” Emile agrees, and closes the book he’s reading. He finds himself drifting to books and shows without romance in them. He knows he’s not a Spare, but it doesn’t hurt to take his mind off things.

 H  e likes cartoons, he discovers.  Where he can ignore romance, if there’s any,  and focus on the action, the characters.  He likes Steven Universe. He likes that even though  Sapphire and Ruby are in love, he doesn’t have to focus on it.  Besides, most cartoons didn’t have  soulmate marks.  Most of them.

“You’ve got time,” his mother reassures him when he mentions this, “and we can take you to see a doctor if you’re worried.”

 He doesn’t like that, the idea that he should see a doctor, that something is  wrong  with him.  He tells this to Logan,  who presses a kiss to his forehead and tells him  he’s perfect, that  nobody deserves their name on his wrist anyway.

“Soulmates are a ridiculous concept,” Logan tells him, emphasising the large words proudly, and Emile giggles because he’s seen Logan pondering dictionaries in his spare time.

 (  He giggles a little less when  Logan comes home  talking about the new kid at school, about how he’s called Roman Prince, about how Logan’s name  looks like a galaxy on his wrist and it’s beautiful.)

“Yeah, well, you’ve always got me,” Remy says with a grin, “romance sucks. You’re safe from hearing about it with me.”

“You can talk about it if you want,” Emile replies, but is grateful nonetheless.

 T  hey spend their days  complaining about their teacher,  doing homework in thick  coloured pen,  then  playing Crystal Gems  in the local park.  There’s no expectations, and  nobody looks too long at Emile’s blank wrist  for it to be a bother.

 H  e’s eight when he sees a Spare for the first time.  An elderly woman  with a  bright spotted  walking stick,  a pink shawl around her shoulders.  He stops to  fanboy over her  Pearl keyring,  talking about how much he loves that show, talking about cartoons and  fantasy novels.

“Such a bright boy,” she tells his parents, and he puffs his chest out proudly, “though he’s wrong, the best fusion is definitely Opal.”

 E  mile is so busy spluttering and  trying to argue that he almost misses the sight of her bare wrists,  no names written on  her dark wrinkled skin.

“Mummy, she was like me,” he says.

“Yes, you both liked your cartoons!”

“No, mummy, she had a blank wrist!”

 L  ogan tells him he shouldn’t have said it, that it was rude to point it out. His mother starts crying,  saying that  the woman was different,  that Emile wasn’t a   Spare  .  Later his father tells him to be careful with what he says,  even though Emile is confused.

“Why is being a Spare so bad?” he asks.

 (  He sees an announcement that a cartoon loving woman is dead three weeks later in the newspaper. A funeral is arranged by her estranged brother, but  when Emile goes past the funeral that day he notices the only people to turn up are the brother and his soulmate.)

 H  e hears more people say the word now he’s getting older. He’s half way to the “  cut off” point, and there are whispers. The other kids talk behind his back at school, and the whispers follow him home,  where he lies awake at night hearing  his parents sob about how they have a  Spare  as a son.

“Ignore them,” Logan tells him, “you’ll get there when you get there.”

He watches Logan laugh at Roman’s jokes, watches Roman listen to Logan’s music choices, the two watching musicals and sci-fi films on YouTube at every given chance. He’s happy for his brother, and agrees that his name looks like a galaxy against Roman’s wrist. Purple and black and blue, but shining brighter than any star he could name.

 E  mile dives further into cartoons and fantasy, away from  the love of his parents, his mother’s name s  carlet and  bold, his father’s  milky and  bright as the moon. Away from the love of his brother and Roman,  red and galaxy mixing beautifully when they link arms.  Away from the world of soulmates,  so he can pretend  he’s normal.

 R  emy is always there, always  arguing with people over whether Disney should s  top using soulmate marks  in their shows.  Does it matter who Moana  is  destined   to be with, after all?  But Emile doesn’t mind so much, content to watch fantasy people  have fantasy adventures, content to imagine that the concept of soulmate marks is just part of the fantasy.

 R  emy meets October in the summer before they start middle school.

 They’re playing on the swings, excited  to be moving up in the world.  And then a boy  with wild black curls comes up shyly, holding out his wrist,  where Remy’s name  is scrawled  in messy capital letters,  the colour of ground coffee beans.

“October?” Remy asks, and Emile knows he’s the second choice from then on out.

 T  o his credit, October   –  or Toby, as he likes to be called   –  is lovely.  He passes no judgements on Emile’s blank wrist,  never mentions the concept of  Spares  , and  turns out to be a Disney fan.  He fits into their group seamlessly,  as natural as the rise of the moon,  and Emile  knows Remy’s never been happier.

 M  iddle School is a nightmare. Emile quickly realises he’s the only one in the building with a blank wrist, and finds himself hiding it under cardigans and bracelets.  He pretends to be shy, changes topics from soulmates to  cartoons, and makes sure to clap and respond politely when people around him start meeting their soulmates.

“I get it, it’s a big deal for them,” he assures Logan, who looks so concerned these days, “if they’re as happy as you and Roman are then that’s all that matters!”

“I’m happy if you’re happy,” Logan tells him, and hugs him tightly.

 B  ut Emile’s thirteenth birthday approaches   quick,  and Emile’s parents are on edge, each day checking his wrist, sometimes subtly, sometimes just grabbing it outright.

“He’s a Spare,” he hears his father sob, “was it something we did, do you think? I read that too much sugar in infantry-”

“Maybe I ate too much fish whilst pregnant with him?” his mother suggests, “some people say-”

 T  hey don’t know Emile can hear them, and Emile feels bitter when they pretend to be happy the next day. He wants to call them out, but fears their reactions too much.  What if they’re angry with him? What if they decide it must be his fault?

 H  e’s crying a week before his thirteenth birthda  y  alone in the toilets at school.  He’s supposed to be  at  Band,   but instead he’s  wishing he had a name instead of just a blank wrist.

“What’s wrong?”

 He looks up at the voice,  vaguely recognising the kid looking at him.  They share a few classes, he’s pretty sure.  A boy with dark hair,  dark eyes   and vitiligo across his  dark  face.  If not for the flashes of yellow  in his clothes he could blend  in with the night better than Lapis Lazuli with the ocean.

“I’m a Spare,” he whispers, wiping his eyes, “I turn thirteen next week and I don’t have a name. My parents are going to be so disappointed.”

 T  he boy hums, and  Emile sees  the name  Virgil Knight   flash across his wrist,  patchy purple and swirly.

“Parents suck. Does it matter that much that you have a name?”

 Emi  le shrugs. “Logan says it doesn’t, but my parents  d  isagree.”

“Logan Picani, right?” the boy tilts his head, “he’s the kid dating Roman, the drama club guy?”

 E  mile nods. “My brother.  I’m Emile Picani.”

The kid hums, then grins, walking over and grabbing Emile’s arm before he can protest. Out comes a pen, and then Emile has Deceit Hart on his wrist.

“Well, Emile, looks like you have a name. And yes, that’s my real name. My mother was angry because dad cheated on her, and I got the lifelong reminder.”

 He says it dryly, but also tiredly, as if he’s had to  explain this a hundred times. And if he’s telling the truth, then  he probably has.

“Later, Emile.”

 H  e rushes home to show them his “soulmate mark”.  Logan looks suspicious, but plays along, whilst his parents gush, too happy and relieved to question why it looks a little more inky than the average mark.  Roman is there, and leans  over.  The drama club guy.

“Hey, Deceit. I know his brother!”

Remy insists that Deceit start joining them at lunch. After all, Toby did, so Emile’s soulmate should as well! And Emile is certain that Deceit is going to spill the beans, out Emile as a Spare, but instead he grins and accepts the invitation, fitting in with the group so casually that Emile is almost convinced he really is his soulmate.

Deceit goes over the lines every day, and his own sleeves get longer, covering the name Virgil Knight, so nobody can argue that the two are soulmates. Emile feels bad for Virgil, whoever he is. He tries bringing it up with Deceit, pointing out that he can’t lie to his future soulmate.

“Virgil can deal with it,” the boy says dryly, “you can’t be the soulmate of someone called Deceit and not expect a few lies, can you?”

Three months later his parents insist on meeting Deceit, wanting to know what their son’s soulmate is like. Roman talks about Deceit’s brother, a kid in his and Logan’s year called Patton, who Logan speaks fondly of as well.

“I admit, I didn’t know Deceit had you as his soulmate,” Roman says, “I would’ve thought I’d noticed!”

Emile tries to laugh, but the lie still tastes bad on his tongue.

It doesn’t stop him helping to cover up Deceit’s soulmate mark with make up, then going over the now-blank wrist with a pink sharpie, his own name now looping over someone’s wrist.

“Pretty,” Deceit comments.

“I guess.”

Emile introduces Deceit to his parents, and Deceit is perfect, on his best behaviour, smiling and cracking jokes and showing interest in everything his family says. Emile wishes Deceit really could be his soulmate, and wishes he could be sure that Deceit isn’t lying about, well, everything.

“See? Not so bad. And now your name is on someone!” Deceit grins afterwards, holding up his wrist, the pink still as bright as it was when Emile first applied it.

“I feel bad lying though,” Emile mutters, “and what are you going to do when you meet Virgil?”

“I’ll just discuss it with him. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

Deceit says it confidently, and Emile thinks that’s his favourite part about Deceit. The confidence. Deceit never hesitates, never backs down, never hides how he feels. He’s chosen to represent their year group in a debate competition, along with Toby, and the two go to the finals against Logan and Patton.

(Brother versus brother!)

Logan reassures Emile that it’s ok if he wants to support his soulmate rather than his brother, and Emile can’t help but resent the statement.

But he supports Deceit regardless, because he’s convincing. He’s loud and convinced from the start that his side is right.

It’s a silly debate, really. The school have tried to keep it light, so two thirteen year olds are arguing that you should skip a wedding to go for an interview for your dream job, whilst two fifteen year olds argue that you should go to the wedding and support your friends.

“He believed in egoism – or, acting in your own self interest,” explains Deceit, smirking because he’s got everyone’s attention.

“But that’s wrong!” Patton protests, whilst Logan looks annoyed at having to reign in someone so emotional.

“No. You’re wrong.”

Emile’s heart flutters a little at how confidently Deceit can say such a bold statement – and to his own family member!

Deceit and Toby win, though really all Toby did was agree with what Deceit was saying. It was to be expected, in a way, because Deceit manages to get Mr Sanders, who is supposed to be the neutral judge, to agree with him.

“You’ve got a talent,” Logan says afterwards, whilst Patton hugs his brother tightly, “you should join the debate club. I’m happy to put in a recommendation for you to be Captain next year.”

“Nah, I’m not that fond of debating,” Deceit says, and they all know it’s a lie, because he accepts Logan’s recommendation, and the next year takes over the position.

“You’ll be in High School too soon,” Logan points out to Emile, “make sure you let them know Deceit’s your soulmate, that way you’ll be put into the same classes.”

(Emile shifts awkwardly, and Logan considers mentioning that he knows Emile isn’t Deceit’s soulmate. But he lets it go, because if his brother’s happy then that’s all that matters.)

Deceit and Emile keep up the lie throughout middle school, going on double dates with Remy and Toby in their final year, two pairs of fifteen year olds arguing over which Disney movie to watch at the cinema. Emile likes it, likes holding hands with Deceit, likes the kiss on the cheek he receives at the end.

“We’ll still be friends after you meet Virgil, right?” he asks timidly one night.

The four at at his house for a sleepover, Remy and Toby having fallen asleep during Lilo and Stitch two hours ago. The make up has smudged enough that the purple letters are just visible, and Emile’s heart aches at the idea of losing his wannabe-soulmate.

“Best friends,” Deceit promises, and kisses Emile’s forehead, “forever.”

It’s the summer before they start High School, Remy and Toby finally making themselves official, and celebrating with a week away at Toby’s grandparents’ house, a pretty cottage by the sea.

“Have fun!” Emile hugs Remy tightly, “I’m so jealous of you guys, find a pretty seashell for me, would you?”

Toby laughs as Remy returns the hug. “We can manage that,” he assures Emile, “text us if you reach your growth spurt whilst we’re gone, ok?”

“I hate you,” Emile snaps, but laughs nonetheless when his three friends crowd around him, knowing he’s easily two inches shorter than them all.

“Use protection,” Deceit teases Remy, nudging Toby in the ribs, “try wait until Wednesday.”

Emile smacks him lightly around the head, and Deceit laughs. Deceit had already turned sixteen, whilst Remy and Toby shared a birthday. Emile still had two months to go.

“Watch it, or I’ll keep you filled in,” Remy warns, but his eyes sparkle.

“Ooh, fill me, yes please-”

“Dee!”

And then for a week it’s just the fake soulmates, starting each day redoing each others’ names and planning what to do.

“I think I might dye my hair when my parents go for their anniversary this weekend,” Emile says, “what do you think?”

“What colour?”

“Pink.”

“You’ll look fantastic. I was thinking of keying our local politician’s car.”

“That’s illegal.”

“And?”

Roman walks in on them dying Emile’s hair, and calls to Logan, saying that Deceit’s clearly a bad influence on his little brother, smiling nonetheless.

“Oh yes, a terrible influence,” Deceit says dryly, running pink through the tips, “after we dye his hair pink we’re going to get our ears pierced and spray Trans Rights over our headteacher’s car.”

“That’s illegal,” Logan points out, and doesn’t understand why Emile and Deceit burst out laughing.

The pair do both things. They go to the local Claire’s to get piercings, knowing it’s not the best place but doing it anyway. The lady coos over their soulmate marks, talks sadly about how her niece is a Spare, and Deceit loudly proclaims that his brother is a Spare, and how rude it is when people use the word.

“It’s just a blank wrist,” he snaps, and pays half what he’s meant to, despite Emile trying to convince him.

“I didn’t know Patton was...”

“Oh, he’s not, I just didn’t want to out you.”

They go over to Deceit’s home to get spray paint, and Emile sees the faint chicken scratch on Patton’s wrist, decorated with drawn-on flowers. Patton sees him looking and hides his wrist.

“I think there’s more in my room,” he tells Deceit, who hurries off, then turns to Emile, “...I know you’re not my brother’s soulmate.”

Emile almost throws up, a deer caught in the headlights. How are you supposed to react when you’re called out on a three year long lie? “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“Don’t be, I’m sure it was Dee’s idea. But I hope you two know what you’re going to do when he meets Virgil.”

Virgil Knight became Emile’s nightmare. The idea of someone who would walk into his best friend’s life, reveal the lies, and walk away with everything Emile wanted.

He began to resent Virgil, tried to imagine him as someone particularly ugly, or stupid, or nasty, someone that Deceit wouldn’t want. He knows Deceit knows his thoughts, because when deep in his hatred of the mystery soulmate he finds Dee squeezing his hand gently, thumb tracing the fake soulmate mark.

Toby and Remy return from their trip with three sacks of shells, and lie them out on Remy’s bedroom floor for Deceit and Emile to enjoy.

“Take as many as you like,” Remy tells them, and Deceit picks up a translucent pink one, feeling the spiral and the perfectly smooth interior.

“Emile, this one’s almost as beautiful as you,” he says, and Emile flushes as he takes it.

(He puts it up on his bookshelf at home, and gently holds it to his chest every night before he sleeps.)

Deceit flirts a lot with him over the summer, and he knows it’s intentional, because Deceit grins at him every time, sly and mischievous.

“You can’t do that,” he protests one day towards the end, “what would Virgil think?”

“No idea, never met him,” Deceit replies breezily, “more importantly, what do you think?”

“Huh?”

“What do you think? Like...say I kissed you, what would you think?”

Emile goes red, changes the topic, and tries to ignore the way Deceit’s face falls for a fraction of a second.

They don’t bring it up again.

And then Virgil Knight makes his appearance two weeks into their High School life.

“Deceit?”

The four look up at a tall gangly emo kid, smudged mascara and almost entirely hidden underneath a band hoodie.

“Whatever it is, I probably did it, and definitely don’t regret it,” Deceit says instantly.

“No – I mean...you’re Deceit Hart, right?”

Deceit nods, taking a bite out of his sandwich, and Emile knows what’s about to happen before the words are out of the emo’s mouth.

“I’m Virgil Knight. I...I’m your soulmate.”

Emile’s life falls apart in slow motion.

First, Remy tells Virgil he’s wrong, because Emile is Deceit’s soulmate, and shows Virgil his wrist.

Then Remy sees the name is smudged, because for the first time in three years Emile’s fake soulmate mark has smudged, as if it knew what was about to happen.

Next, Virgil rounds on Deceit, demanding to know why his name is on someone else.

Toby is in shock, staring as the scene unfolds.

Remy is yelling, Virgil is crying, people are watching.

And Deceit is silent throughout, looking thoughtful, as if debating on what to say, as if anything could make this situation anything less than humiliating and painful.

“Nice to meet you Virgil,” he says finally, “this is Emile, he’s my best friend.”

Virgil explodes, and Emile later compares it to when Pearl gets popped and her clone goes nuts.

Virgil is screaming, grabbing Deceit’s wrist, seeing the make up cover up his name, demanding to know why Deceit doesn’t want his actual soulmate.

Emile, Deceit and Virgil are sent to the headteacher, who takes Virgil’s side, pointing out that lying about your soulmate is a crime in some countries. He asks Emile who his real soulmate is, and realises a moment later that Emile just has a blank wrist.

“It was my idea,” Deceit says quickly, seeing the tone of the headteacher change rapidly, “please don’t get mad at Emile, this whole thing is because of my actions.”

Emile is sent home nonetheless, and his parents alternate between being furious and being distraught. He can’t tell if they’re upset he lied to them, or if they’re upset because he’s a Spare.

“I can’t believe you’re blank,” his mother sobs, “you’re a – how could – my own son is a Spare!”

His father comforts his mother, and Emile quickly realises where the two stand. There’s anger inside him, boiling up, bitter and dark. It wasn’t fair that they were crying over his blank wrists, it wasn’t fair that everyone’s ideas of him changed when they found out he was a Spare.

“Everyone at school thinks it’s your fault,” Remy tells him down the phone, “...you could have told me you were lying, you know.”

“I’m sorry,” whispers Emile, “I didn’t think it’d get so...like this...”

“We’ve been friends forever, Em! You shouldn’t have hid this from me!”

“I’m sorry.”

He hates having to tell Logan, and cries as he does,

“I’m not angry at you,” Logan reassures him, “though it was a reckless decision to make. Is it really so bad to have blank wrists?”

“I don’t want to be a Spare,” Emile snaps, “you don’t know what it’s like, Lo, when everyone makes a thousand judgements at once because part of your skin is blank. It doesn’t feel good! I hate it! I hate everyone! I hate myself!”

(He cries late into the night.)

Remy and Toby approach him the next day at school, wrapping their arms around him gently.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“We’re not angry at you,” Toby says quickly, “or Dee, really. It was a dumb thing to do, but...yeah...”

“Just tell us next time,” Remy says gently, “it hurt, Em, no lie. But we still love you. Just...be honest with us in future.”

Emile is grateful for his friends, because Deceit has been removed from his classes, placed into ones with Virgil. He hears nothing from Deceit for three days straight, and he’s so convinced that Deceit has dropped him now he has Virgil.

Then Deceit breaks into his bedroom late at night, looking worse for wear, with dark circles under his eyes and a bruised cheek.

“Surprise!”

“Dee, breaking into places is illegal.”

“I know.”

Emile hugs him tightly, and cries softly when Deceit pulls him close, soft and firm and warm and perfect.

“Why didn’t you message me?”

“My brother took my phone,” mutters Deceit, sitting down and pulling Emile onto his lap, “says I need to learn to be responsible.”

“Your cheek-”

“Yeah, turns out my mum considers the whole lying about your soulmate thing to be a lot like cheating. Virgil agrees, so I’m kinda outnumbered. I, uh, don’t think Virgil expected her to react so badly though.”

Emile presses a gentle kiss to Dee’s bruise.

“What’s Virgil like?”

“Annoying. I mean, he’s cool and all, but being forced to spend all your time with an emo whose life revolves around My Chemical Romance is a pain. Plus he’s really angry with me, and we have nothing in common except for a love of Harry Potter. And he doesn’t even know what house he is!”

Emile laughs, because out of everything Deceit could be annoyed about, the Hogwarts House seems to have gotten him the most worked up.

“-And I said, maybe he was a Hufflepuff! But nope, he rejected that too!”

“Tell him he’s a Hufflepunk,” suggests Emile, “he might prefer that.”

Deceit pouts. “No way, there’s only one Hufflepunk in my life.” And he runs a hand through Emile’s pink hair, smiling softer than Emile’s ever seen.

“...I wish you really were my soulmate,” Emile confesses.

“I don’t,” mutters Deceit, “the whole thing is stupid, being made to be close to someone just because you have their name on you...”

“My name’s been on you for three years.”

“That’s different. You were a choice.”

Later, neither would be sure of who kissed who first, but Emile likes to think he made the first move, clumsy and awkward, lips meeting Deceit’s in a silent declaration of love.

“Then choose me again,” Emile whispers, pleads, and Deceit kisses him back.

To say Virgil dislikes this turn of events would be an understatement. Emile can’t blame him – to be told your whole life that you would meet a person who would love you forever, and then that person turns around and says no?

“I’d still like to be friends,” Deceit tells him quickly, “you seem great, and I’m happy to have met you, I just-”

“I can’t believe that between me and a Spare, you chose the Spare.”

“Don’t call him that.”

“I’m meant to be your only choice,” mutters Virgil, “not second to some...blank wristed nobody.”

Deceit rolls his eyes. “I can choose who I like. And I choose Emile, blank wrist and all.”

Virgil makes his dislike of Deceit and Emile obvious from then on, and does his best to avoid them, but destiny forces soulmates together one way or another, and within a year Virgil gives up on avoiding them, instead calling a truce of sorts.

Remy and Toby are silently thankful throughout that their own lives have a lot less drama in them.

Roman is happy for Deceit and Emile, simply stating that he finds the choice a lot more romantic than a typical soulmate meeting.

Patton comes around eventually, but it puts a rift between the brothers, and Virgil becomes closer to Patton pretty quickly.

“What university are you applying for?” Deceit asks Virgil when the time comes, “I want to make sure I’m applying elsewhere.”

“Fuck off,” snaps Virgil, “I’m not sharing anything with you.”

(So of course they end up applying to the same places, and Virgil goes to Patton in distress, complaining about how the universe hated him and that destiny was out to get him.)

“We’re just doomed to keep running into Virgil,” Deceit tells Emile, Remy and Toby, “I hate it.”

“Maybe you guys will be friends, eventually,” Toby suggests.

“Maybe.”

Emile’s parents never quite get over having a Spare for a child. They get Emile to specialists all over the country, as if that could do anything, until Logan puts his foot down, demanding they stop putting so much pressure on him to be “normal”.

Emile goes to the same university as Logan, eagerly telling his friends about his plans to study psychology there.

“I’m thinking of becoming a therapist,” he says, “I think I’d be good at it.”

“I think so too,” Remy says, smiling.

“You’re good at lots of things,” Deceit comments, and winks, “but does this mean I’ll be able to call you doctor and get you to-”

“Dee, if you end that how I think you’re going to end that, I’ll kill you,” Toby says seriously.

“Kinky,” Emile and Deceit say at the same time, and Toby gets up and leaves.

“That makes no sense!” they hear him yell, and Remy just shakes his head.

Deceit gets a snake tattooed around his wrist, covering up Virgil’s name. In response, Virgil gets a band of music notes over a galaxy sky, covering up Deceit’s.

“Want me to get your name tattooed?” Deceit asks Emile one day, the pair lazing about on a hot summer day.

“Not really. I’ve had enough of names,” Emile holds up his own blank wrists, “besides, then I’d get yours done, and I’ve come to like my blank wrists.”

“I like them too,” Deceit says, capturing them lightly and kissing Emile, “though they’d look even more pretty wrapped up in rope...”

Emile shakes his head, mutters that Deceit has no chill, and kisses him back. And if he deepens the kiss a little and mentions where Deceit might find some rope, then, well...that’s just a bonus.

There is no ending to their story, of course not.

Emile is a Spare, and every time someone sees his wrists they do a double take, look at him in sympathy, or offer him the number of a doctor that definitely knows how to “cure” that sort of thing. As if having no name was equal to an illness.

(Emile eventually starts explaining to these people that he is a doctor, and he knows better than to trust any that claim they can cure the lack of a soulmate mark.)

Deceit’s name is covered up, and someone will always whisper about it, expecting some sort of story behind it. And there is, yes, but Deceit has a dramatic flair and prefers to give over the top excuses every time.

(Eventually Emile convinces him to start writing his stories, and his books become world famous.)

Logan and Roman get married, a typical soulmate story, and Emile begs to be a bridesmaid.

Patton meets his soulmate, and Virgil ends up joining them in a polyamorous relationship of sorts. There’s never any real forgiveness between Virgil and Deceit, but the two can’t stop running into each other and eventually create their own terms of peace.

Remy and Toby don’t get married, but stay friends with the pair throughout their life, because as Deceit and Emile know, sometimes it’s the people you choose that you’re closest to.

“I’m glad I chose you,” Deceit tells Emile each morning, waking him up with kisses and a squeeze of the hand. Emile smiles every time, knowing exactly what he means.

“I love you too.”

[god-hunter]

I feel very stupid (pt. 2)

This is a little follow up to my rant from last night.  I thought a hang out wasn’t gonna happen, but it did at the last minute and in the end, I got what I wanted.  Right?

Well this rant will be a little less whiney and serve as more of a Reminder to sober the Hell up out of this work crush I’ve got goin’ on for this girl.

There was 4 of us.  Technically 6 of us, but one couple split mid-way through the night to go to a different bar together, and then home.  Which is fine.

But yeah, we went to 2 clubby bars and at first I definitely drank mixed drinks first, which isn’t usually my way.  All 4 of us got shots of Fireball, but my crush got 2 extra because there was a deal on getting 6.  So we did 2 extra together.

Since the place was loud with a DJ, there wasn’t much room for actual conversation.  Instead she started dancing a little bit with the girls in the group. Sometimes her and I talked about the songs, but soon enough we were out of there and on to the next place.

I decided to be a gentleman and offer her my scarf in the cold and she accepted.  This was my soft-flirt, which could just be interpreted as the “nice friend” thing, which I’m fine with.

We got into the next place which was a real club, now.  Loud dance music all night, everyone was going crazy, and pretty much right away the group was all over it.  We had more beers in us.  I definitely got a Sprite & Vodka and offered her a sip.  She took it.

She easily could’ve said, “No thanks,” so this I thought was another soft-flirt.

Then of course the dancing was coming in.  I kept it light.  We are co-workers after all.  We are friends.  We both have partners...  But I know she’s on the outs with her man, and she knows enough that I’m not great with my girl... [I’ll get to that later]

I remembered any of the videos I’ve been watching.  “Make your intentions known.  Start touching when you talk or dance,”  So.  I did.

Light back grazing.  Around the shoulders.  Eventually it was even the hips and lower back!

She took it!  But it wouldn’t be long before she would twirl and back away.

I felt like this was a light acceptance.  Of the attention if anything.  

Which in a way is fine, considering our current situations.

I’m gonna fast forward to the end of the night, where this other guy came in.  Definitely younger than me, definitely ripped, and he was definitely flirting with her.  He’s a friend of another girl in the group, so it wasn’t like he was a rando.

But eventually I caught him whispering to her, making her laugh, and then they swapped phones, and he put in some info.

I for sure thought that they were trading numbers.  The other girl in the group danced with me and I just asked in her ear if that dude was getting her number. And she was like, “Noooo, he’s getting her Instagram.”

And then I was like, “Yeah, but that’s low-key getting your number, isn’t it?”

And she said, “No way.” and that it wasn’t like that or something.

But then I saw them dancing...

Keep in mind, this girl was drunk and on her phone ALL NIGHT.  Dancing, twirling, grinding and texting!  I couldn’t believe it.  She is Addicted to her screen.

Eventually I playfully said, “Wanna dance with me, Social Media?”

And she smiled and put the phone away.  We did our thing for literally a minute before she kind of turned around and danced with the group some more, before pulling out her phone again.

Which brings me back to the way she danced with THIS guy.

She fuckin’ walked right into his space, ran her finger down his chest, and sort of stopped with her hand right by his lower stomach.

It was very clear what she wanted.  And it wasn’t me.

And in that moment, I had to leave.

Look... I did all the right things.  We talked, struck up conversation.  (Meaningful ones too, when we stopped to get more drinks). She bought for me, I bought for her.  I even saved her from a creepy older dude, who was trying to grind with her.  She thanked me for dancing her out of the situation.  But when it came down to our own dancing... she’s just not into me like that.  Period.

Ya gotta know when to fold ‘em dude.  And I did.

I was definitely drunk.  I should’ve probably sat for another half hour or so with water, before leaving.  But I had to get the fuck out of there.  I couldn’t look at that for one more second.  No matter how ‘not like that’ it was.

So in the end, I let my intentions be known.  I came right over to the girl, put my hand out and she took it.  Then I pulled myself in with a shake-hug and I spoke in her ear, “I’ve gotta get out of here.  I had a great time tonight.  Thank you for this...”

And I kissed her on the cheek.

She was probably confused.  I don’t know if she was put off.

But she just made the peace sign and said, “Ok bye,” or something like that.

I was so defeated.  I felt stupid again.

The other girl who’s a little more perceptive went over to me after I said goodbye and asked if I was okay to drive.  I said yeah.

And I was.

But God, was I dehydrated and had to Pee!  Like, really bad.

...I walked to my car the wrong way, but not for too long.  Found it, got home without any trouble, and I was in bed by 2.

My phone had died, but this girl had apparently texted me 3 times at 2:00AM to ask if I was alright and got home okay.

When I saw that this morning, I thought that was so sweet.

But also...  I can’t forget the body language and overall vibe of last night.

She’s my Friend.  And beyond that, she’s not into me.

Anything to make me think otherwise was from past conversations where I overheard her tell another co-worker that I’m her Favorite person here.  And she outright told me that she thinks I’m amazing the last time we drank.

So...  Of course, I thought I had some clout.  But she probably never thought of me that way.  I’m just the cool older dude, that’s still hip enough to hang.  But who the fuck am I kidding?

This blends into another topic for another day possibly/probably.  But what the fuck do I want??  This girl made it very clear to the group that after she breaks things off with her boyfriend, she doesn’t wanna be tied down to no man.

And of course, if things went south on my end, absolutely.  I’d love to fuck her.

But I know where that goes, and soon enough I do get attached, or the other one does, but there’s the weird title/non-title social phobia that gets in way of the headspace.  Everything gets gray and wishy washy.  I’ve been there before and it’s incredible until it sucks! Those years are Over!

I really can’t back pedal.  I can’t go in reverse.

So this blog is just a Reminder...

That no matter how much attention this girl gives me.  How many nice texts of, “I had so much fun last night,” and whatever meaningful conversations we have..  All the initiations for getting food at work or talking about future hang outs, that come from Her!!! ...  I have to take them in stride, and Know that I am her Friend.  And will only ever be a Friend to her.

And honestly, that’s probably the best thing that could’ve happened last night.

Through all my bitching about this girl last night, about how this hang out wasn’t going to happen because she got sick.  I was initially going to say that this was like the Universe Balancing itself out, making sure the right thing happens.  The rant was headed there, before she called me out of nowhere and completely changed her mind to stick it out and get crunk with all of us.

But that leads me back to what I was just saying...  What do I want?  A Party Girl?

Last night was a lot of fucking fun, [minus the very end], don’t get me wrong.  But I can’t make that my life.  I’m not a clubber.  That’s not my scene at all.

Going to SHOWS, now that’s my scene!

And... people do this when they have crushes on each other.  They imagine the other person in their life.  And they invite them to things that the other doesn’t usually do.

I invited her to my show a month ago, and she was SO excited about going.  She texted me a lot the night before, but it was a complete bust.  The show got snowed out and barely anyone came.  I was really bummed out, but I understood.  She also expressed the most sincere, sweetest apology in person, which absolutely made my day.  She was just as bummed out as me that weekend, for not being able to go.  And I knew she meant it.  That really meant a lot to me at the time.  

But that’s beside’s the point.  She asked about seeing one of our co-worker’s plays together.  It won’t just be her and I, but the rest of our friend group don’t like plays...  Which means it would be a couples thing if my Woman wants to go.  But assuming her and her boyfriend are done?  She might 3rd wheel it.  Or maybe my Lady won’t really wanna go out.  Who the fuck knows?

But I’m not even gonna let myself get excited about it, because after last night.. I can tell that she doesn’t want me.  Not in that way.

The texts this morning were super minimal.  At 7:53 I got back to her saying that I got home okay.  Since that was her request.

An hour later, “Good, I was nervous,”

20 minutes later I said, “Sorry about that! My phone died, remember?”

I absolutely told her that when we were getting our beers at one point, but she might not have heard me, or just forgot.

Either way, I was just open opening this tab to start my rant at Noon when she started texting me for real.  Responses were way quicker.  Minutes apart.  I do feel way better, and less down on myself.

We had a nice conversation about last night and how much fun she had, she asked if I had a good time.  I half-truthed about needing to leave.  I was honestly at my drinking limit and I was getting tired.

The topic of that guy did not come up at all on either of our parts.

But that doesn’t change the fact that it happened.  Or could happen again if I continue to come out to her dancing bars.

During the night, I absolutely set a precedent saying I would absolutely come here again after doing my usual Friday Night lessons.  And she really liked that.  This seems to really be her jam.

Which again, brings me back to her pulling me into her life, right..?

But my hopes aren’t up.  I honestly don’t want things to advance with her.  Not in the situation that I’m in right now...  Maybe if I was living alone, but if things were to ever go in that direction [which I highly doubt], then it would only make things VERY ROCKY here.

Which brings it back to me.

What the fuck. is up. with me.

...I don’t know.  It’s rant for another day, man.

This 2020 is about sealing the cracks in my current relationship, and if I absolutely can’t, then I won’t.  It’s only February, but so far we went on weekend vacation with 2 close friends where all she did was complain about how far things are and how much her legs hurt.  There was a lot of resting in our Air BnB, and not a lot went on...  And last week I took her out to a little bar where my old college bud played an acoustic set of Classic Rock.  My Woman isn’t a bar girl, but Holy Shit was the food amazing at this place.  Other College acquaintances were there too, so it turned into this impromptu group dinner reunion, which she really enjoyed actually.

My Woman’s very social.  And that’s one of the things I love about her.

But in the car on the way home she wasn’t talking to me...

Like I said, this is a rant for another day.

But it’s been 5 Years, man.  I’ve been here before and I know how this goes!  You run out of things to say...  And sometimes even the smallest of interactions can piss you off...

We’re both very moody people.  Her, more than me, although she would absolutely contest that.

And of course she’s never In the mood.  Which brings me to all of this.

My eye is out.  It’s been out for a while.

THAT is the rant that I’ll need to do, to really get introspective.  The only problem is that I think it would be aimless.

I don’t know.

Anyway, this is how my night went and where my life is going right now. I absolutely like this girl at work, who’s young and fun, but I’m probably misinterpreting her conversations and giggles as flirty.  Or maybe I wasn’t and somewhere she changed her mind.  Or maybe she doesn’t know what she wants either...  I’d opt for that.

Whatever this Slow Burn is, I know it’s not a good idea.  Especially not in the current state I’m in.

Given different parameters, it’s still not a great idea.  There’s no longevity in the bigger picture, as I know she wants to eventually move out of state and focus on the career. Yada yada yada.

And what do I have to offer?  

I couldn’t hack it as a Music Teacher, so now I got an Office Job...

Yeah... that’s fuckin great.  That’s a hard sell to anyone.  New or Old.

Which is why I need to get my shit together.  All around.

Better job, better living with the Woman.

And hopefully all of these dumb flirtships will go away.  Because honestly they’re going nowhere.  At least nowhere good.

[geejaysmith]

On mobile, there are no readmores.

Ok, so maybe the key thing that pisses me off is that either way you dice it, the whole "evil Dirk" bullshit is either the distortion of a writer with a noted history of fanfics distorting characters into their most cynical form if not outright mischaracterizing them for an abuser/victim dynamic, or its commentary about an author who lets their own soapboxing overtake the willing suspension of disbelief in the characters' voices and the fabric of the world, rather than anything the character showed signs of being in the actual text. And if you're going to go "but timeskip! People change!" that's a hack move that Homestuck became far too dependent on in its later run, especially after the retcon, that cons the reader into doing the writer's job in order to try and resolve the cognitive dissonance of, say, a character who *actively did not want* to be what he's just suddenly become, and who's showing a level and flavor of asshole he never was.

Also, having a gay character, who a ton of young readers have identified with for years, suddenly turn bigoted alt-right-in-all-but-name just to make SURE you know he's the bad guy? Idk, that just strikes me as an asshole move. One of several asshole moves, like never addressing how the actions of one or several other characters contributed to his feeling guilty, especially about his sexuality when he's the one gay character whose orientation is directly discussed in the story proper, or how the character who can be reasonably assumed to have the a large hand in contributing to that guilt is never held to account, but instead victimized by Dirk with out-of-the-wild-blue-nowhere transphobic horseshit in the epilogue. In fact, would it be going out on a limb here to say that entire plot point seem to exist *only* for the sake of said out-of-character transphobic horseshit?

Sorry, I was about to say "but this is a whole different rant" but like, no, actually, this pisses me off. It *really* pisses me off how *badly* Dirk gets treated as the one prominent homosexual male character, and it has always pissed me off.

But no, really, the biggest thing pissing me off in the "oh this isn't rational to feel this way, actually, fuck it, I don't care if this is rational, these feelings aren't going away and this shit is PERSONAL now" way, is how most of what makes its way to my dash about Dirk since the epilogues dropped just comes off as uncritical about this. That even in trying to "fix" the damage done, it still tacitly admits there may be some validity to it, instead of staring it down and asking "and what the hell is your justification for that, outside of 'Hussie said so'?"

And let me take a moment to indulge in my neurotic impulse to hedge my own words and say, fine, ok, you want to explore evil!Dirk? Cool, your prerogative, we clearly find this character close to our hearts for very different reasons, whatever. But I don't and never want to see it and now it's everywhere, and people aren't taking to say, fascist Jane with the same gusto as they do to drag my favorite character, whose problems and insecurities are so close to my own he's the first work of fiction I've cried for for since childhood, through the mud.

Oh, and is it worse because this is basically just the same "Dirk is a monster" bullshit I've been fighting since the Great DirkJake Tag Discourse of 2014? Yes. Yes it is. I really do believe that Evil!Dirk - not "he has flaws as a person that result in toxic behavior", not "his actions have resulted in tangible harm and that needs to be addressed", but outright malicious intent or at least such utter disregard for the people he loves that intent is an automatic moot point - in other words, the ugly caricature being paraded around in the epilogues under the fig leaf of authorial approval, alongside the ugly caricatures of Jade and Jane, who only further expose the whole farce - in all its incarnations is and always has been an outright mischaracterization that only holds water if you push for deliberating interpreting the text in the most negative way. And I've spent *years* arguing with myself in my own head because fandom bullshit has convinced me that the only way I can hold an opinion and have a right to speak it is if I can have an airtight argument for my stance, like it's some fucking debate club, or something. And I am done. Dirk is not a monster, never was, and I am *done* screaming at myself in my own head instead of speaking out loud because "oh no, what if I'm wrong on the internet? What if randos online think I'm some dumb yaoi fangirl who's doing an abuse apologism?" Who cares? I know what I fucking read. I know the character that I saw.

You know what happens when you grow up isolated and don't have that first great "I wasn't fully cognizant of the fact that other people have thoughts and feelings like I do and acted like an ass and am now facing consequences - oh god I fucked up, I need to make this better somehow" young, when the stakes are low and you forget about it by puberty? You know how that childhood loneliness gives you a paralyzing fear of rejection that leaves you with a guarded persona, makes you agonize there's something wrong with you? How it makes you feel like you're irreparably broken, irreconcilably different?

I do.

So I'm confident that I know what I'm talking about when I say "it looks a lot like Dirk Strider." Coincidentally, it can also look a lot like Jake English. I know because I've been both. And you'll notice, pile of neuroses though I am, I am neither a victim nor am I a monster.

So. Yeah. Evil!Dirk upsets me greatly and always has and I don't want to see it. Except now it's everywhere and I once again have to tread lightly if I want to find any content of him that isn't made directly by me. A thing I loved has become something that makes me feel feelings that suck. *Again!* And I don't have the time or energy to throw into counteracting it at the moment, unlike with TLCstuck and the retcon a few years back. And yeah, this is personal and no one is responsible for my feelings and emotional wellbeing but me, yes, yes. But also this is my blog and I get to pick what goes on it and this is me telling myself "to hell with what people think when they see it, it's Tumblr, this is the house that personal emotional-fueled discourse built", and also if I didn't get this out I'd kind of end up screaming about it in my head again until all I can articulate is a high-pitched screech? I just need to fucking vent this out so I can get on with my goddamn day and it's out of my head? So maybe it'll quit coming back? It's way too fucking early for this? And oops, this post got way too long and a lot more emotional than I was expecting. Hey, crying helps relieve stress, y'know (Note: I'm not actually crying, it's the principle of the thing).

tl;dr, I have always thought Evil!Dirk was bullshit but it still hurts to see, and while I know I have no reason to bear a grudge against the people writing it as people, on principle, there's a part of me that wants to fucking punch those responsible for putting it back in the fandom consciousness in such a big way? Especially when I'm not seeing anyone pick over the horseshit done to other characters in quite the same way.

That is all. Carry on, I've vented my spleen. I'm gonna toss this post to the wind and go back to Wolf 359 shitposting.

[otomesruinedmylife]

#emberplays: doki doki literature club

AKA. Why Doki Doki Literature Club is So Freaking Good The First Time You Play It and It’ll Blow Your Goddamn Mind (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ

When I first posted this on my other tumblr it was way before any youtuber did a letsplay of it, so I’m gonna have to rewrite parts of it and readdress some things. Thats not at all saying I dislike them, I actually found a majority entertaining. But now everyone pretty much knows what happens in DDLC, the jig is up and we all are #triggered with two infamous words.

So, listen. I know what you’re thinking. Why am I recommending a totally moe looking VN? I’m not moe, I don’t go gaga for animu girls. But I do love me some visual novels, and I love me some meta-level fuckery. Doki Doki Literature Club is a ren’py VN that just (now somewhat) recently came out that looks completely harmless. What could possibly go wrong? And It’s COMPLETELY FREE, yes you heard me, free. So fucking play it (unless it's going to trigger you, in which case pls don’t). And it’s… really interesting.

Spoilers and heavy triggers for DDLC under the cut (I didn’t want to spoil that but I think it's only fair to let you know what you’re clicking on)

.

Ĵ̷̙̑ ̴̳̯̘̞̘̺͍̩͔̙̘̗̲͚͊̍͑͋̒̽U̵̡͓͖̰̣̪̫̘̐͜͝ͅ ̶͇̮͎̝̫̩̊͊̊͛͘Ş̸̛̥͓͙̞͕̼͗̽̽́̈́̈́̽́̚̚̚̚ͅ ̶̡̨͍̰̽͋̀͆̊͑̂̅̓͆͠T̴̪̝̼̖͙̲͎͖̘̩̒͆͜ ̴̨̘͈̘̬̱̟͕͖͔͈̞̺̇̆͋̏̀͋̇̉͒͒͝ ̶̧͓̥̻͒̓́̊̈́̔͑̀͆͗͊͜M̴̘͚̀̑̆͒̋͌̈́̕͝ ̷̧̡̞̹͙̖̣̝̖̣̜̙̻͋̅͠͠ͅO̶̢̡͉͓̞̰͔̬̔̊͆̊̄͗̆͝͝ ̷̫̦̱̹̈́N̵̘̺̬̰͍̗͙̾͂̈́͊ ̷̺̲̝̜̦̘̒̈́́̈́͜Ï̷͉̻̖͉̣̥̣͕̟͍̜͍̳̥͎̋͂͑̆̋̇̊͆̆͗͘̚͘͘ ̸̡̧̨̙̻͈̮̻̫̤͖͉̱̟̤͗̈̔͑́̂̚̚͘͝Ķ̷̧̮̼͓̺͓̱̹̩̅̈́͝ͅ ̵̧̥͍͓̬̻̙̀͋͆͜ͅͅA̶̢̲͎͎͕̟̋̇̎́̐̍͛͐̈́͋̕͝͝͝͠ ̵̛̦̺̖̘̝̜͕̮͇̤͔͈͐̓͐͂̀̏̈͒͊̏͋͝͝͠J̴̝̼̫̃̃͌̅̏́̈́̽̒̊̋̏̚͝͝ ̷̡̢͚̬̜̯͍̲̰͎̩̮̤́͋̈́͑͊́͆̈́̀̃͘͝Ų̸̨̼͓̬͉͖̰̜̣̺͔͇̀̔̐̎͒ ̷͇̲̗͎̱͖̮̳̹̜̜̬̦̠̖̈́̒̾͋̽̍̿̌̽̋̏͑́̕̚S̴̢̰͎̯̪̠̗̏̈́͗͒̓̍͊͜͝ͅ ̷̠͑̈́T̷̮̾̂͊̂̎̈́̊͑̍̍͘ ̷̛͖̺͚̬͎̠̥̱̓͐̔͆͂̈͋̕͜ ̶̨͙̣̭̺̬̙͚͖͔̭̰͓̠̇̈́̐̊͘͠͠M̸̮̹̾̎͌̃͠͠ ̸̮̱̗̤̖̼̺̟͍̓O̷̢̡͓̗͇̰͈͕̟̫̓͝ ̸̨̛̛̲̮̞̑̈́̇̀͋̀͐͆́͘͘̚͠Ń̶̖͕̖͉̱̝̃̊̈ͅ ̵̙͇̠̜͔̖̖̯̪͔͊̋Ị̴̮̺̬̈́͗́̀ ̷̯͖̤͙̬̜͈͔̪̮̳͔̄͂͂̂̎͊͗͠͠K̴̹̳͈̰̫̖̠͈͛̔́̐̓̅͋̈́͂̎͘͜ͅ ̷̠͔̗̳̲͕̲̱̪̊͂̅́̚Ḁ̵̡̠͍͔̩̲̦̯̗̔͐͑ ̴̡̡͎͔̳̻̣̞͎͚̠̀͑̍̃̌̂́̊̒͐̓̚͝ͅͅJ̶̠͑̀́̑̔́̋̉̉̋̀̚͘͠ ̵͙̖̘͓͔̄͗͌̍̉̅̈̾́͘Ų̶̹̂͘͜ ̵̹̗̠͙͉̪̜̜̦̏̅Ṡ̸͖̤͚̣͕͔͙͖̯̞̬̪͇̌̀̋͑̇̂̔͝ ̵̢̛̖͉̟̹̩̇͐̐̽͆̑̊̓̂̏̾̚T̸̲͙̼͉̓̒ ̴̢̛̛̛̠̑̒̀͛̽͑̀̍͒͌͘͜ ̵̧̗̩̲̈́̏̐̅͆̽̋Ḿ̶̡̼̤̯̥̳̤̰̠͍͍͔̝̯ ̷̢̦̓Ǫ̸̞̳͇̜̮̜̞̉͆͐̍̎͂͗̔͆́ ̴͚̂̍͜͠N̸̨͌̃͌̑͒̄̚̚͝ ̶̢̡̼̩͙͈̬̰̬̙̞̔́̒͌̅̑̓͛͛́ͅI̵̟̗̤̲̹͍͍̖͊́̎͒̃̽̓͒͒͊̕͘ ̴̛̱̿̄̑̈́̇͑̂̎͘͝K̴̝̜̑̏̾̿́̒͗͊ͅ ̸̡͍̠͐̅̒̈͂̓͆̉̚͝Ȃ̷̧͍̗̲͇͇̱̜̊͛̀̎̐͛̌̈͜ ̴̡̡͎͔̳̻̣̞͎͚̠̀͑̍̃̌̂́̊̒͐̓̚͝ͅͅJ̶̠͑̀́̑̔́̋̉̉̋̀̚͘͠ ̵͙̖̘͓͔̄͗͌̍̉̅̈̾́͘Ų̶̹̂͘͜ ̵̹̗̠͙͉̪̜̜̦̏̅Ṡ̸͖̤͚̣͕͔͙͖̯̞̬̪͇̌̀̋͑̇̂̔͝ ̵̢̛̖͉̟̹̩̇͐̐̽͆̑̊̓̂̏̾̚T̸̲͙̼͉̓̒ ̴̢̛̛̛̠̑̒̀͛̽͑̀̍͒͌͘͜ ̵̧̗̩̲̈́̏̐̅͆̽̋

(TRIGGER WARNINGS: SUICIDE, CUTTING, DEPRESSION.)

To really talk about why I enjoy DDLC so much, unfortunately, we need to talk about when this cute moe dating sim turns into a glitchy acid horrorshow. The game starts with you choosing your name and being introduced, and then the game introducing your next door neighbor and close friend Sayori who looks like a bubbly ray of sunshine. She convinces you to join her (*surprise*) literature club at school, and you meet three other girls: Nasuki, Yuri and Monika. They seem like pretty nice girls. Nasuki is the typical young tsundere, Yuri the quiet passionate type, and Monika, who seems, well… pretty normal. You join their club and immediately get wrangled into things and this is when it starts taking a weird turn. Monika breaks the fourth wall. Yuri drops she’s into some weird shit. Nasuki has troubles at home. And Sayori might have a little bit of a crush on you. 

Then you have to write a poem.

UHH GAME, WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE POEM WORD CHOICES????

This process repeats but the game starts forcing you (or at least in my playthrough) into decisions, which in my experience with VNs is a telltale sign of an Oncoming Bad End (see mysme, amnesia, etc.) Monika becomes an ominous figure of knowledge (at first I thought maybe she was a yandere stalker… oh, was I wrong). Yuri goes batshit crazy yandere obsessed with you. Natsuki keeps a somewhat level head, surprisingly enough. 

Sayori though, poor Sayori has it pretty rough. You find out she’s dealing with a surprisingly accurate depiction of MDD (major depressive disorder) at least by cutesy video game standards.

Shit gets real when the day of the festival when Sayori ends up being missing and Monika heavily lampshades something bad. You race home and the game starts glitching out as you find Sayori has committed suicide. Having seen a fair amount of bad endings in VNs, I was like “wow this is over the top, but ok” and the music gets lowkey terrifying. I was expecting to see the BAD END screen as most otomes go and for the title screen to show up and it does, but YOUR SAVE FILES ARE MISSING. (nice page out of cheritz book y’all, good shit ;) )

This is refered to as ACT 2 of the game and the demarcation line of when we realize we are playing a horror game not an otome. The title screen is glitchy and corrupted over where Sayori was. And then the game starts bugging the fuck out and shit gets real. Shadow selves with darkened text, crazy yandere eyes and Monika handwaving everything away. The poetry gets to a level of insanity that’s unreal as Yuri basically goes cuil theory on your ass at one point.

Anyway, JUST MONIKA, amirite?

Let’s skip ahead then backtrack. What I think makes this game so great is the level of awareness we must assume Monika has. She’s completely aware she’s in a video game and is forced to watch her friends around her be romance options and fall in love, but she’s been relegated to the role of side character and thinks she has no agency in the story. And this takes a toll on her sanity. She tells you in The Final Room that she started messing with the character data to make you dislike the others, but since it backfired and it only drew you closer to each of the other girls she had to take more drastic measures.

Completely frustrated after all the corruption of their data doesn’t work, she resorts to pushing Sayori’s depression to suicide. Letting Yuri’s cutting finish in a finale of garbled text and stabbing herself to death only to let you stay with her as she rots over the weekend at school. Nasuki gets outright deleted from the game on a whim by Monika, and then she goes so far as to delete everything so it’s just the two of you sitting in a room. The assumption is that it’s a pretty permanent situation. Try turning the game on and off at this point. Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, Monika is without a doubt, one of the best versions of how a yandere knowing the meta of the situation can make a situation horrifying. Think like Yuno Gasai from Mirrai Nikki. If you know the plot and have god-levels of information, you can fuck around mercilessly with the viewer/player. And Monika does. The slow descent into madness the game takes because of her corruption of the game is probably my favorite part. The blink-and-you’ll-miss-it changes of the characters, music, and surroundings. And the railroading you into choices giving you such a sense of helplessness as you play. I really felt like I was on a train off the tracks by Act 2 and it was great.

You really think you have choices (at least at the end), but the more and more I think about this and go in for another playthrough I don’t think you ever truly have ANY choices and Monika’s holding all the cards. It begs the question what is Monica supposed to be? A sentient AI? What actually is Doki Doki Literature Club? Some weird form of a reverse turing test once you get to the Monica Room? It’s bizarre and oddly novel in its take on the VN horror genre by stripping you of any power to do anything and sit back terrified as it gets meta on you. No matter what you do the culmination of the game is essentially the same and there’s no real happy end in sight or resolution once you realize that even the game is aware it’s not real. At that point you are finishing it to finish it, to come to an ending. 

And that's simultaneously the best and worst part about it, but man I can’t complain, that was a wild 5 hours of my life....

Ĵ̷̙̑ ̴̳̯̘̞̘̺͍̩͔̙̘̗̲͚͊̍͑͋̒̽U̵̡͓͖̰̣̪̫̘̐͜͝ͅ ̶͇̮͎̝̫̩̊͊̊͛͘Ş̸̛̥͓͙̞͕̼͗̽̽́̈́̈́̽́̚̚̚̚ͅ ̶̡̨͍̰̽͋̀͆̊͑̂̅̓͆͠T̴̪̝̼̖͙̲͎͖̘̩̒͆͜ ̴̨̘͈̘̬̱̟͕͖͔͈̞̺̇̆͋̏̀͋̇̉͒͒͝ ̶̧͓̥̻͒̓́̊̈́̔͑̀͆͗͊͜M̴̘͚̀̑̆͒̋͌̈́̕͝ ̷̧̡̞̹͙̖̣̝̖̣̜̙̻͋̅͠͠ͅO̶̢̡͉͓̞̰͔̬̔̊͆̊̄͗̆͝͝ ̷̫̦̱̹̈́N̵̘̺̬̰͍̗͙̾͂̈́͊ ̷̺̲̝̜̦̘̒̈́́̈́͜Ï̷͉̻̖͉̣̥̣͕̟͍̜͍̳̥͎̋͂͑̆̋̇̊͆̆͗͘̚͘͘ ̸̡̧̨̙̻͈̮̻̫̤͖͉̱̟̤͗̈̔͑́̂̚̚͘͝Ķ̷̧̮̼͓̺͓̱̹̩̅̈́͝ͅ ̵̧̥͍͓̬̻̙̀͋͆͜ͅͅA̶̢̲͎͎͕̟̋̇̎́̐̍͛͐̈́͋̕͝͝͝͠ ̵̛̦̺̖̘̝̜͕̮͇̤͔͈͐̓͐͂̀̏̈͒͊̏͋͝͝͠J̴̝̼̫̃̃͌̅̏́̈́̽̒̊̋̏̚͝͝ ̷̡̢͚̬̜̯͍̲̰͎̩̮̤́͋̈́͑͊́͆̈́̀̃͘͝Ų̸̨̼͓̬͉͖̰̜̣̺͔͇̀̔̐̎͒ ̷͇̲̗͎̱͖̮̳̹̜̜̬̦̠̖̈́̒̾͋̽̍̿̌̽̋̏͑́̕̚S̴̢̰͎̯̪̠̗̏̈́͗͒̓̍͊͜͝ͅ ̷̠͑̈́T̷̮̾̂͊̂̎̈́̊͑̍̍͘ ̷̛͖̺͚̬͎̠̥̱̓͐̔͆͂̈͋̕͜ ̶̨͙̣̭̺̬̙͚͖͔̭̰͓̠̇̈́̐̊͘͠͠M̸̮̹̾̎͌̃͠͠ ̸̮̱̗̤̖̼̺̟͍̓O̷̢̡͓̗͇̰͈͕̟̫̓͝ ̸̨̛̛̲̮̞̑̈́̇̀͋̀͐͆́͘͘̚͠Ń̶̖͕̖͉̱̝̃̊̈ͅ ̵̙͇̠̜͔̖̖̯̪͔͊̋Ị̴̮̺̬̈́͗́̀ ̷̯͖̤͙̬̜͈͔̪̮̳͔̄͂͂̂̎͊͗͠͠K̴̹̳͈̰̫̖̠͈͛̔́̐̓̅͋̈́͂̎͘͜ͅ ̷̠͔̗̳̲͕̲̱̪̊͂̅́̚Ḁ̵̡̠͍͔̩̲̦̯̗̔͐͑ ̴̡̡͎͔̳̻̣̞͎͚̠̀͑̍̃̌̂́̊̒͐̓̚͝ͅͅJ̶̠͑̀́̑̔́̋̉̉̋̀̚͘͠ ̵͙̖̘͓͔̄͗͌̍̉̅̈̾́͘Ų̶̹̂͘͜ ̵̹̗̠͙͉̪̜̜̦̏̅Ṡ̸͖̤͚̣͕͔͙͖̯̞̬̪͇̌̀̋͑̇̂̔͝ ̵̢̛̖͉̟̹̩̇͐̐̽͆̑̊̓̂̏̾̚T̸̲͙̼͉̓̒ ̴̢̛̛̛̠̑̒̀͛̽͑̀̍͒͌͘͜ ̵̧̗̩̲̈́̏̐̅͆̽̋Ḿ̶̡̼̤̯̥̳̤̰̠͍͍͔̝̯ ̷̢̦̓Ǫ̸̞̳͇̜̮̜̞̉͆͐̍̎͂͗̔͆́ ̴͚̂̍͜͠N̸̨͌̃͌̑͒̄̚̚͝ ̶̢̡̼̩͙͈̬̰̬̙̞̔́̒͌̅̑̓͛͛́ͅI̵̟̗̤̲̹͍͍̖͊́̎͒̃̽̓͒͒͊̕͘ ̴̛̱̿̄̑̈́̇͑̂̎͘͝K̴̝̜̑̏̾̿́̒͗͊ͅ ̸̡͍̠͐̅̒̈͂̓͆̉̚͝Ȃ̷̧͍̗̲͇͇̱̜̊͛̀̎̐͛̌̈͜ ̴̡̡͎͔̳̻̣̞͎͚̠̀͑̍̃̌̂́̊̒͐̓̚͝ͅͅJ̶̠͑̀́̑̔́̋̉̉̋̀̚͘͠ ̵͙̖̘͓͔̄͗͌̍̉̅̈̾́͘Ų̶̹̂͘͜ ̵̹̗̠͙͉̪̜̜̦̏̅Ṡ̸͖̤͚̣͕͔͙͖̯̞̬̪͇̌̀̋͑̇̂̔͝ ̵̢̛̖͉̟̹̩̇͐̐̽͆̑̊̓̂̏̾̚T̸̲͙̼͉̓̒ ̴̢̛̛̛̠̑̒̀͛̽͑̀̍͒͌͘͜ ̵̧̗̩̲̈́̏̐̅͆̽̋

Oh, by the way, hope you’re familiar with deleting files out of your game library, because Monika isn’t going anywhere until you do... still she has like tons of unique conversation if you wanna stay and chat for a while.

I did enjoy her anguish when I got rid of her even though I ended up really liking her later. I’m excited to see what happens because she’s rumored to be the protagonist in the next team salvato game. Yeah.

My only complaint of this game is once you know the premise it really doens’t hold replayability value, quite the same as anything from the horror genre is never really as scary as the first time around. It does what it does so well its not the same and is basically only worth playing again to fuck with your unassuming friends.

Which I, of course, did.

What did you guys think of DDLC? Was it over the top? Did you know what was going to happen? Or have it spoiled? Have you tried deleting other character files and playing the game or decoded any of the secret info files? 

Send your thoughts to my inbox and stay tuned for the next time #emberplays otomes!

NEXT TIME: #Emberplays: Keisuke Sanan (Hakuoki: Kyoto Winds)  LAST TIME:  #Emberplays: Toma Time (Amnesia: Memories)

[macgregorhoughton]

First off, thanks for sharing your headcanons, I love them! I'm really hoping theres gonna be ride references too, from the clips we're getting the puns at least. I'm gonna be watching the backgrounds for any sneaky references to the Society but I bet you're right, its going to be in there somewhere. I’m the same with the Native issue, I’m a bit worried how they’ll deal with it but hope they might have a bit of awareness and address how messed up some of the stereotypes the ride had were- cont

Response under the cut! (following asks copied there too for reference)

First of all before I respond to anything, you do not have to apologise. This is quite literally my dream way to spend my time- talking to someone about a thing I like at length. The fact that you checked all the posts I made and took time to respond to them with your thoughts means the world to me.

2- I’m also really hoping we get a lot for McGregor (wtf is with that alternate spelling Disney?? But I do want the other two to call him Mac, I’d love that), learning to relax and find his place. I LOVE that Lily gets to do physical comedy, you’re right female characters often only get to be funny so long as that means they can still be sexy while doing it. Lily looks like she just goes “nope” to that and dives headfirst into a bit of slapstick and I love her already- cont

3- I really like Dwayne, hes got a warmth to him that comes across in Frank, even if hes trying not to show it to the siblings at first. I really want proper sibling moments too and I love that little one we got in the clip. Like, “you don’t get to laugh at my sister, now excuse me while I go give her a hand while laughing at her”. Like thats a great example of having siblings, I’ll help you out, but I’m totally going to mock you while doing it, but no one else can. BTS have me hopeful too- cont

4- I love your idea for the coming out scene. I think they’d be walking a very fine line in order to get it right, but if they did it could be wonderful. I really really hope we get that scene, no skirting around it or making vague illusions, I want McGregor to say “I’m gay” outright. Like, we’ll all know he is even if they don’t let him say it but for once I want Disney to live up to what they promised and let an actual main character be actually gay.- cont

5- I love the connection with the lights for our trio in the posters, I didn't put that together. I really want them to be a proper Trio, I’m really hoping this is a success so we can get sequels. Even if they’re terrible I still want them to see these three together. FRANK IS HUGGING MCGREGOR, I’VE GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS ALREADY. I don’t really have many thoughts on our three villains, other than I'm getting evil musketeer, smug plantation owner & WWII in that order- cont

6- I LOVE THAT GIF SET OF THE PUNS SO MUCH!! McGregor’s little smile and his laugh, hes loving it, Frank is loving getting a reaction, Lily is going to eventually find it funny how unfunny they are. I can’t get over how much I love McGregor’s little face in this, I can’t want for this scene, I’m gonna join you in imploding. Also, in your protective brother gifset, is he wearing a little tartan/ plaid suit? Love it. And on that note, I adore Lily’s costumes- practical and realistic but flattering

7- ok so thats me taken up far too much of your ask box, I haven't even property looked at the press tour things yet, but I do have one more thing, I have a theory about how Jack ends up in the middle of Emily and Dwayne's kiss if you'd like to hear it. Thanks for kickstarting this fandom and the wonderful gif sets, we're so close now! - Skip

So on to my very long response!

I've watched SO much about the ride just so I'm prepared to catch any reference. They just released Behind the Attraction on Disney+ and ep 1 is about the Jungle Cruise ride (Dwayne Johnson is in it too!). He talks about how much he loved the ride as a kid and used to imagine himself as a skipper which is SO cute and I'm so happy his dreams came true (and I find it very relatable as someone who dreams about being a raptor handler at Universal).

I'm genuinely a lil mad that the spelling changed. Because if you google it really everyone thought it was McGregor, they must've at some point released something on the movie for the press with that spelling and then changed their mind. Now everyone has it wrong because I suspect these featurettes are also gonna be the DVD/Bluray extras so I'm confident this is the final spelling. However I will continue to live in denial until I see the other spelling ON SCREEN.

"I really like Dwayne, hes got a warmth to him that comes across in Frank, even if hes trying not to show it to the siblings at first." Yes! I love that every character is a trope that I ADORE. Frank is the cynic who thinks everyone just wants to cheat you anyway and miracles don't exist who eventually cracks and warms up to people and shows that there is a soft, warm person in there after all. Lily is wildly optimistic and aggressively individualistic, not trying to fit in or caring about what anyone thinks and will probably have a moment of losing that optimism and doubting herself after all. And McGregor is the person who appears to think he's better than everyone, who's pampered and refuses to sacrifice any of the luxuries he's used to until he reveals he's gay and you realise most of it was just a show to cover up how hurt he really is. Three PEAK character tropes we're working with here and COMBINED with a reluctant-allies to lovers and a siblings trope.

"Like, “you don’t get to laugh at my sister, now excuse me while I go give her a hand while laughing at her”. Like thats a great example of having siblings, I’ll help you out, but I’m totally going to mock you while doing it, but no one else can" I have a gifset for that queued already, I love that you also focused on that rightaway bc I really went "Siblings! peak sibling energy!!" and gifed it immediately.

Based on the reports (that I cannot stress enough I have no idea how accurate they are) he doesn't say "gay" but it's unambiguous what he's talking about. Let's hope that's true! I'm imaginging some sort of "relationships with men" or "no interest in women but rather men" or sth like that. I hadn't really considered that it might be ambiguous to someone who doesn't know he's supposed to be gay so that's a new fear unlocked lmao

I'm going to be so sad if we don't get sequels cause so many franchises with several movies don't have a core group of actors that are just friends and get along as well naturally as these three. Or if we get more movies and Jack isn't in them or sth like that. Like any future where these three aren't the leading trio in more movies is a nightmare.

"I'm getting evil musketeer, smug plantation owner & WWII in that order" this sent me I swear. I'm most interested in Edgar Ramirez bc I'm curious abt the whole "conquistador alive "today"" thing. also what's up with the snakes lmao.

McGregor laughing at Frank's puns alone could sustain me another year if I had to wait that long for the movie. Luckily I don't have to. It is so wholesome tho, like the fact that they're gonna get along and also get closer and McGregor won't end up sidelined for being a bitch until the last minute or sth is so wonderful.

And yes! It's tartan! We've seen p little of the beginning of the movie in London and since that's gonna be focused on just Lily and McGregor I'm so excited bc we got so little content so there's gonna be SO much in the movie to look forward to that I can barely even piece together!!! (All we know is lily will steal the arrowhead before falling out of the window which mcgregor sees and he immediately follows her so I assume he knew to come there and that there's a scene where she asks him in one of their bedrooms about wanting to go on an adventure. So I'm assuming the bedroom scene comes first and she'll tell him about the arrowhead, he'll refuse to help her but decide to come last minute because he's worried about her (and the worry is immediately proven right as she falls out of a window lol). But we know so little that it's a really loose theory.

And yes!! Lily's costumes are so good. Frank calls her Pants so they will absolutely address that she's dressed very unusual for a woman of her status in 1916/17 and I hope they explore that a little and address where she even gets her clothes and everything. I mean Emily Blunt looks good in everything but the costume department really made something gorgeous with this. She is, for the time the movie is set in, very gender nonconforming which I love in a female lead. And Emily described Lily's fighting style as very Indiana Jones and brutal without much tactic or thinking and just brute force and I really would die for this characterisation. Like when I compare this to similar female leads like in The Mummy for example they're usually highly feminine, aggressive only in their attittude and witty banter but always emphasised to be beautiful and wearing dresses and lots of (usually historically inaccurate) makeup and they get like one scene where they smack the bad guy with sth heavy or sth so noone can say they're a damsel in distress even though they are. But Lily feels very much like a coherent person to me. She's very unusual for a woman at her time, her desire for adventure is in line with how she fights and dresses but she doesn't seem to have the "uwu I'm not like other girls" thing going on, she's just exactly who she is and wants to be.

and of COURSE I wanna hear your theory are you kidding! Cause I still haven't figured it out at all lmao. I just settled on "she probably meant he was off screen but right next to them while they filmed it" or sth bc I couldn't make sense of it otherwise.

also I haven't posted everything new directly here I think, but you probably know where to look for the new stuff. like there's some clips on their instagrams and most stuff is on youtube.