#idk. having thoughts at six am
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I'd kind of prefer being some kid's weird guy "friend" over just. Being an in class novelty to my peers because at least that'd give me confirmation I'm at least. Sort of present in the minds of others.
#i can't make friends at school and i haven't for Three Years and i think im Yellow Hair Kid's weekly entertainment because he likes to watch#me fail at social interaction but at least he Talks To Me and actually responds to.things i say?#there's a few kids who do that actually. but they're few enough and far enough between im definitely novelty or non-existent in most of my#classes.#to be clear. yellow hair kid is the only one who EXPLICITLY treats me as sort of. a weekly tv show. and I think that's just him also not#being great at interactions. but I'm the piercings kid or the smart kid or the kif who flips his shit to so many of my classmates that i#take it as malicious.ore than i should#and even to my friends sometimes im their frienf who doesn't have a lot of other friends#idk. having thoughts at six am
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Forever and ever
#wip!! one direction fools gold came on while I was in the shower and listen… LISTEN#omg not me searching up anatomy references.. not me digging thru my unused anatomy ref folder 🫢🫢#I tried to give macaque straighter posture here on purpose based on the flashback. he seems more serious than Swk so I wanted to convey that#thru body language. although I am torn between one being taller than the other but I like giving them their own features so they stand out#ANDDD .l think I finally figured out how I want to draw their sideburns now sort of!! fuck their hairlines though I’m never gonna learn how#to draw that shit 🗿. I also have another drawing of mk based on one specific frame during his fight with azure. like he’s sort of crouching#crouching on all fours and leaning away from the camera like the Akira bike slide but as a monkey. idk how to describe it but I wanna see#how far I can go with that one. idk if I’ll finish it thought but it looks SO COOL in my mind#my art#myart#doodles#shadowpeach#lego monkie kid#lmk#monkie kid#lmk sun wukong#lmk wukong#lmk swk#lmk six eared macaque#lmk macaque#idk if this counts as#lmk s4 spoilers#Lego monkie kid season 4
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I don't know, I'm cooking other theories, trust.
Just something small. But like, I feel like it would be really funny if whenever Erlang and Macaque would meet up, they would jokingly flirt with each other. Right in front of NeZha and Wukong. Just thought it'd be funny. ...yeah👍
#Idk I'm mentally insane#what am I doing with my life#do Erlang and Macaque have a duo name?#I promise I'll post something serious in a bit#Maybe Tang and Macaque would do this to just to tick off Pigsy#lmk macaque#six eared macaque#lmk liu er mihou#fan thoughts#lego monkie kid#lmk erlang#lmk wukong#lmk sun wukong#lmk monkey king#lmk nezha#implied shadowhound
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#tag talk#social anxiety is so much worse to deal with when only half of you is anxious because you never know when it'll happen#like. R is not anxious at all. she loves being around people and since we came out she's not scared anymore#but me on the other hand? being around people is a nightmare. agoraphobic for sure.#I wanted to go running again cause we woke up at six again. but the thought of going outside and being perceived? terrifying.#maybe I need to practice getting R to front. we're used to thinking of L as the defensive front but if R's sociability is the best strategy#then she would be the strongest front to present.#the problem is I've tried that and it just results in me feeling even more sullen and anxious because I feel dragged into things then.#because going out on public even with friends still makes me feel anxious and angry and generally annoyed.#ugh I'm so tired of being unpredictably two different people.#if I were just L all the time I could embrace that and find workarounds to these issues. but they hit me so unpredictably#so I don't have the reliability to trust. so my strategy is usually just 'wait until you change into someone without those problems'#because whatever issue I have can usually be fixed by the other half of me.#scared of upsetting people? turn into L. scared of socializing? turn into R. scared of doing tasks? turn into L.#it's also wild because when we're L we shift into a morning person. and R is definitely a night owl#so waking up at five am to go out and read a book on the couch is so great as L but staying up all night reading is R's sweet spot.#idk. I'm so tired of bouncing so much between these two people#and I'm beginning to suspect that we have different food preferences as well. which is.. frustrating#I wish it were as easy as going 'oh duh I'm making this up in my own head' and just stopping#like. yeah it's all in my head unfortunately that's where my sense of identity is too.
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#GAGGGEDDDDDD#yay omg yay:)#guys i am going to die#oct 27 2024#no cosnlike. in dreams or whatever WHATEVER#sick to my stomach i've literally been hallucinating delusional etc#u don't understand i'm going to die#LIKE FAVORITE PERSON EVER SORRY#the way i cross my sevens and z's and don't leave a space for the smiley face :|#hope she never knows how obsessedddd :)#oct 28 2024#:| idk it's the only thing keeping me going but also i survived six months#oct 29 2024#giggling twirling my hair kicking my heels looking at my phone get a grip...#. no bc my brain#i am having a terrible day but i love her#being delusional works!#i am SO EXCITED lutkkenekenfksnfn i am so excited i've missed her so much#actually soooo sick and twisted the way my irl ummm what do you call... emotional support older white women are actually the best huggers in#the world like it's not my fault#lik i don't i don't i do not i donut even care !#no thoughts head empty#stoppp cos like building it up in my head based on the past etc etc ...... but it always lives up 2 it & more!#oct 30 2024#cointinuing to be insane 🙏#idk there is something so tender ............#waaaah ok waaaaaaaaaaah i cant#just want to go HOME#want to swim in prelude 4ever#girl who is so so tired and just wants it to be 7:30 east
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WIP Title Game
I was tagged by @riotstarruika!
Rules: Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs.
(I had to censor the one because it's such a specific ship that when it gets anonymously posted for an exchange in a couple of days I don't want everyone to immediately know it's me.)
Tagging @saintmouthed @akallabeth-joie @opens-up-4-nobody @fremedon @everyonewasabird and @riotstarruika again, since it's been so long that you probably have entirely new WIPs by now. XD
#also I drafted this in April but apparently tagging people was too many spoons#so the fic (Favourite/Fantine) is now up#it's technically been written since before posting#but the pacing was annoying me#had a minor breakdown. got therapy. changed jobs. back babyyyyyyyyyyy.#and starting writing again in ... November XD (new job is great but now I have a social life idk man)#tag game#cannot overstate what an absolutely insane state this original tagged post found me in though#I had just driven five hours through the hot SE Asian summer to my old host family's village while listening to Yellowface#and also anxious about a workplace issue#I arrived at my grandma's house and deadass thought “oh no what if they find out I'm white”#y'all it's been seven years I LEARNED [language] with them I AM UNAMBIGUOUSLY WHITE#and then I saw this post and started doing screencaps#and then my brain said “but what if people realize I stole my work from someone else?”#again for SIX YEARS this is literally NOT something I have ever done I have always written my own work#Yellowface had me THAT fucked up#anyway it was a joy Ms Kuang hmu when your latest criticism of an academic institution releases <3#ask game#APPARENTLY
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#i KNOW my mental health is down the drain because i woke up panicking at 4:30am for seemingly no good reason#and that was half an hour ago and i still can't go back to sleep#and i've been feeling exhausted and on the edge about switching from this dual deal of education and job training#to a full time 8 to 5 deal#for the past 2 months#kept saying that i need a break soon or i'm gonna burn out but also kept pushing myself through daily sensory overload because#i kept telling myself that there are only a couple few weeks left of this and i can do it#and now there's exactly one week left of it all until i finally get a month off and i need to do my best to keep myself from tossing it all#out the window#because i'm worried about not being able to keep up with a full time job i now signed a three year contract for#considering this half time deal already took everything out of me#it's super frustrating because for a while there i really thought i'm on top of my shit but now i'm showing symptoms of an impending#mental breakdown and i have a month to get all of this under control somehow or i'm gonna blow my chance at a job i've been working my ass#off for the past six months to a) get it in the first place and b) earn important certificates for it#and a month is just not enough to get an appointment with a counselor who i can talk to about this#and once i'm working i'll hardly have any time left for appointments considering the insane amount of time i'll be spending commuting#to work every day because i didn't yet receive the bonus payment towards a car i was promised for my efforts here#genuinely wish i had someone i could rely on during times like these but i am basically providing for my entire environment and i just#gotta keep going somehow idk#rant#gonna try to get another half an hour of sleep in now i guess
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I'm gonna give Brian a lil garden in my fic. Btw. If you even care.
#you briefly meet him in chapter three#but i wanted you to hang out with him in chapter six#and i was thinking. where could you hang out. cause just sitting in his room the whole day would be boring#and i wanna give him some cute hobby bc i love him#so#he has a lil flower garden on the ship#also spoilers i guess but he tells you that hes not just a robot like you thought#but a human that got mechanized#so now you know that it is possible to get completely rebuilt#something you wrre wondering about after tim asked if youd like to stay#and i think that will be the chapter where you make a decision. to stay#which means! after that will be the chaoter that i already started writing a while ago where you are mechanized#and qfter that a lil epilogue that i wont say anything about#so i have only three chaoters left to write!!!!#at that pace i think i may be done by the end of this week. or the next one#honestly idk#im writing a lot but you know i have other things to do too#still i am very close to the end#excited to share#bee buzz
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So I’ve gotten back into reading TGH and reached chapter uh… I’ll put that later. Anyway here’s the summary—
“They go to Stedding Tsofu to find a Waygate. Waygate is firmly blocked by Machin Shin. Their journey seems for naught. But at least we get more Loial lore, and learn Ogier women just arrange the marriages and tell the men who they are marrying. Mat -full cringe failboy he sometimes(often) is- says human men would never let a woman boss them around like that. Rand mutters about Mat being wrong. Everyone else presumable at least side eyes him. Because he is wrong. Verin is right there telling everyone what to do. Rand remembers the woman’s council bacually betrothing him to Egwene before he knew what was happening. Fun times. They realize they have to use a portal stone to get to Fain. The Ogier happily show them the portal stone nearby -anything is better then the Ways. The boys keep insisting they are not ta’veren or Dragons or Aiel anything like that. Everyone nods and then ignores that and talk about them being ta’veren and how they’ve basically got no choice but to live in their wake. Rand is reminded again he can in fact channel, in fact doing so with little resistance after being asked -possibly s first? He is also unnerved meeting several Aiel women. Because they tried to kill them and also well… damn does he look like them. Aka “The ever increasing eroding of Rand denial copium receives several serious blows in a few days.”
I’m currently mid Ch 37 “What Might Be”, portal stone icon I believe.
Oh! And just for fine to cover it… Also Fain delivered that Horn, Turok was like “you’re probable lies amuse me for now. Perhaps I will give you to the Empress. Let me describe the terribleness of the royal court. Nvm you’re way too eager about that.” And Fain is just internally grinning and steepling his fingers like “ah ha. Yes give me more information. Give me more access to your leaders. You play right into the plans I have made and am making right now. And will make in the future.” Hilarious.
also…
I’ve decided that Hurin is a lil bit of a dipshit simp. Yes he has sniffing powers. And a wife. And children. But he’s a Gilear if you will. Also probably brain mushed by ta’veren a bit. Selene didn’t show up! (Good) Oh and how deeply I am not looking forward to the parts of Mat featuring “a tale of his sad little misogyny even if it often makes him look foolish. Still a bit too cringe” -at least that’s my fear. We shall see.
#wot book spoilers#Series of many thoughts on twot#<- block/filter to stop seeing these#Now I’m: the short version#am I back? Idk. We’ll see#For now uh. I have the first six books and need to get thru them so I think I’ll just give my final thoughts initially#maybe later I’ll expand more. Sry. Not as fun but who knows I might have a couple longer ones mixed in#Otherwise I’ll never finish Takes so much more time to do those Tbh things are picking up I want to be sink into it Long form takes me out#Tgh spoilers#The great hunt#the wheel of time#wot#twot book spoilers#long post#Wheel of time
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btw i was Really Smart in communications today :]
#marzi speaks#i asked a question that stumped our professor and answered his questions well#i didn’t take a spotlight tho. i waited a fair bit or to be called on before answering#it’s weird for me#now that i’m in college i’m realizing just how crazy competitive my high school was#and like. i /knew/ it was competitive. but it was competitive in ways i didn’t even realize#like things were presented to me in a way where if i didn’t know everything i was doomed to fail from the start. i was fucked#i mean hell i wasn’t even top third of my class. 200 something in a class of 600 something people#but now i’m in college and i’m with my peers and i’m realizing like. actually i am pretty damn smart#i never thought i was /dumb./ i just never thought of myself as exceptional either#and i definitely have my struggles. my poly sci class is so fucking boring i Do Not Like It#but i’m realizing now that i’m a lot smarter than i’ve thought i was for the past… what six years? seven? ten?#a long time. essentially#and it feels WEIRD!! god it feels weird#i’m kind of afraid to be percieved as smart??#i think it’s tied to internalized misogyny. bc when i inspect that fear#i realize i don’t want to be reduced to a (sorry for hp reference) hermoine granger type of misogynistic caricature#it’s probably tied to how my mother (very smart) was regularly dismissed or even laughed at for her smarts#idk. when a guy is smart then it’s just cool.#when a girl (or girl-adjacent thing like myself) is smart then oh it’s levioSA not levioSARRRR sorry brainiac oh the WOMAN has an OPINION#stupid WOMEN and their stupid THOUGHTS. who let them think. etc etc#so idk. i’m worried that if i let myself recognize that i’m smart#instead of letting other people make the observation for me#that i’ll be seen as stuck-up. bossy. etc.#but if i don’t acknowledge that i’m smart who the hell will?#i think that a lesson my mother has been teaching me for my whole life is starting to be fully understood in my head#i should call her and talk about it. kinda wanna just talk to my mom in general#ANYWAYS. trying to let myself be proud of my smarts again. in a healthy way this time#without worrying about failure or impressions. because i am smart. i have a lot of ideas and i ask a lot of questions#i don’t need to explain my smartness to anyone. i can just be smart in this way. maybe that’ll get easier as i practice it
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Since I’m visiting back home I have stolen borrowed my sister’s switch to play Pokemon and animal crossing, and that, of course, got me thinking about if Pokemon existed in the avatar universe, which ones would my OCs have
(Up front, I don’t see either of them going into competitive championships, too much shit going on in their lives to even consider it. Oh, and also, my knowledge of Pokemon comes entirely from my sister infodumping, me watching the entire first season of the anime twice, getting a bit too invested in Hanamusa fanart and playing Y, Moon and Shield (never getting to the end of a single one rip) so keep that in mind)
For Midori I feel like she’d have the ones that she could naturally find in the backyard while doing gardening or other work – oddish and bellsprout and budew and the like. Maybe a sandshrew or caterpie or rattata. I’m completely obsessed with eeveelutions so if she had an eevee, it’d evolve into a sylveon bc of how much love Midori has to give. Starter-wise, if she had one despite not doing competitive battling, definitely a bulbasaur, but since she doesn’t use it for anything but help around the garden it probably wouldn’t ever evolve, though they’re both okay with that. And I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t shoehorn some angst in, so before the RL left for the South Pole, Ghazan gave Midori his camerupt for safe keeping, saying it would protect her in case she needed it. She hides the pokeball with it from Haya and only lets it out of she knows no one will see her, terrified Haya would do something to such a blatant reminder of her brother
Suiren’s a bit harder since she has enough to worry about without getting a bunch of animals involved, but theoretically, I’m thinking squirtle for a starter that she has managed to evolve into a wartortle but not further yet. Eeveelution wise vaporeon would be the obvious choice but with her cold nature I think she’d invest in an ice stone instead and get a glaceon. I like to imagine that while she was travelling for a mission one day she ran across an absol in the mountains and took it home despite knowing the rumours it was a bringer of disasters and a bad omen (she relates to it, but you couldn’t waterboard that out of her). Maybe she found a yanma in the swamp at some point and kept it once she found out how cool its evolution looks. Likewise, she found a phantump and, remembering how phantumps come to be, couldn’t bear the thought of leaving it (and, well, its evolution and how it controls trees through roots reminds her of the swamp). Back with the angst, she inherited her mom’s milotic (Ming-Hua was a kid when she found the ugliest fucking fish she’d ever seen in a swamp lake and snuck it food. It warmed up to her and eventually she stole a pokeball and caught it. Fast forward a few years and it suddenly became the most gorgeous pokemon in existence. Shit happens). She hides it too but once she learned how to navigate the swamp she takes it to that very lake.
Suiren leaves her pokemon with Midori when she goes on missions, not wanting to endanger them, and every time Midori is scared that those pokemon will end up being the last things she has left of her sister, just like the camerupt and milotic are the last things left of her parents
#this post is very ironic considering there are characters named Suiren and Midori in pokemon#Midori was a girl from season 1 who took care of a bulbasaur and a bunch of oddishes and rattatas and the like#ash got his bulbasaur off her#and Suiren is the gen 7 water type gym leader#the Pokemon characters actually parallel what my Suiren and Midori are like lmao#though in the English dub of pokemon Midori and Suiren are called Melanie and Lana#so I didn’t even know for the longest time lol#idk it’s past 4 a.m maybe I’m being completely incoherent#I’m sorry it seems like I gave Midori less thought#she’s just genuinely the type to care for every living creature that passes through her garden#so it’s easy to name a few and be done with it#while Suiren is not only very selective but also not prepared to care for a lot of Pokemon#so it’s a lot more concrete for the ones she finds and does keep#again I’m running on six hours of sleep and have a pounding headache maybe I’m not making any sense#seeds of the red lotus#sotrl suiren#sotrl midori#pokemon#also of course this devolved into angst have you forgotten who I am#kinda have the urge to draw smth based on this tbh#but not rn bc I’m exhausted
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me, lounging around on my time off, looking through mobility aid options and wondering if I really need any of this or if im making it all up in my head
the heel of my right foot, which I’ve had propped up on pillows for half of the day, suddenly throbbing in pain for no good reason out of nowhere
:/
#having to remind myself none of this is “coming out of nowhere#having to remember the breakdowns when I first started working because I couldn’t handle the constant standing#and capitalism doesn’t like sitting cashiers#18 and in pain#reminding myself of what physical education in school was like for my body#elementary school and I struggled! i once tripped and gashed my eyebrow open on the pavement#when I was six#probably because my body ain’t work right!#was I in pain?#am I overlaying my memories with pain from the present? am I remembering that far back correctly?#or am I remembering having pain from stretches as far back as first grade?#maybe I should just get a cane#disability thoughts ?#im not diagnosed with anything so idk if that’s the right tag
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#ok we're gonna try to finish this story in under 30 tags ok let's go#SO. 'hahaha yeah wow that's crazy that you know him! we did date yeah. (does not elaborate)'#but. okay confession time. i know this was a questionable choice. it was selfish. it fed the brain gremlin that craves validation#but i never blocked M on snapchat#so even though we never talked. i could see when he viewed my stories. and i won't lie. there is a smug part of me that enjoyed#letting him see me go on about my life.#i am a flawed bitch. so sue me. it was a manageable amount of contact that didn't send me into spirals#and he DID keep viewing them.#he even messaged me once! i don't know maybe a year ago. it was totally out of the blue. 'saw this book and thought of you' on a picture of#a nice edition of The Hobbit. i didn't respond. i had to have a petty moment for all the times during the Bad Era when i tried to message#him and he took too long (in my shitty estimation) to message back. so i left him on read. for like a year#okay you can see where this is going so I'll cut to the chase#'i ran into a friend of yours' is a perfectly reasonable conversation starter. it can be the whole conversation if it needs to be.#well. it wasn't#idk. my world state for the last six years has been 'M doesn't care for me and there is no world in which we ever have a civil chat again.'#well. that doesn't track with 'it's past my bedtime but i don't mind staying up to chat' and 'i would love to get an earful about podcasts'#and 'let's chat again' and 'it was really great to hear from you'#idk. i don't know what emotion i should feel. anger is gonna be the first one that makes it to the surface i think#got a good healthy dose of anger happening#grief. i do think there's some grief. mmhmm yep there it is#there are probably some positive emotions but those are the most strenuously repressed and i don't think I'm ready to let the collar off#i have made a lot of choices in the last six years to protect my mental health specifically because of how that relationship ended#so even just talking to him is. well for one thing it's playing a bit fast and loose with the health i have managed to build up#i feel good. my life has been good lately. my therapist moved me from monthly to once every three months. my social life is the most#thriving it's ever been#i am possibly in a place to unbox some things that were thrown in the attic as an emergency measure#i should talk to my therapist
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alexa how do i find the will to live when i’ve been without a hyperfixation for months and am bad at the only things i even remotely feel like doing
#the only part of this that is a joke is the fact that i don't have an alexa#anyway every day i wake to miseries and pass out to miseries and there is literally no joy in my life haha lmao#the only thing that's been getting me through has been re-watching symbalily's hollow knight playthrough#so i thought i would give it another go since i bought it years ago and was bad at it so i gave up#so i added a mostly invincible mod so i wouldn't die every 3 minutes#alas. i am very bad at video games so all it does is make me tense and pissed off#nothing is fun anymore and hasn't been for a long time now#like. six months.#which is a long time to go without finding joy in anything#and idk every time i try to make myself do something to help or change things up in the hope it'll make things a little better#it doesn't work and then i end up feeling worse for the fact that it didn't work#idk. i'm just so tired of this being endless#i'm 31 and feeling the same or worse than i was at 13#disgruntled octopus
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#tw depressing thoughts#i can feel my friends forgetting me#i cant hang out with people as much anymore because of my illness and i get exhausted really easily#plus all of my friends live over an hour away#and i cant drive that far to see them#it feels lonely as hell#i have friends online but its not the same and being with people yknow#yeah i get to see my friends every couple months#but going from every day to seeing them once every six months sucks#i feel like im being replaced slowly in their lives#and it hurts pretty bad#my best friend doesnt even respond to my texts anymore#shes always hanging out with other people#and going to parties and stuff#it just sucks#my other best friend is engaged and i probably am not even going to be invited to the wedding#ive known her seven years too#it just sucks and hurts#idk what to do#nobody responds to my hangout texts anymore#i reach out all the time too#and I get left on read#fuck#personal post
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hhhhh i wanna finish sickfic soon but idk if it's productive to work on that tonight
#i got six and two hrs sleep earlier today (separately)#this is after being awake all of tuesday and most of monday#i went in to work for a few hrs earlier dead on my feet but came back n ate dinner#and now i am here vibin not ready to sleep not exactly tired anymore either#not full of energy but when i can't hold my eyes open anymore that's it i'm not setting an alarm tmrw either#idk i think the point is it was working on another wip last night that i am still into#switching to another fic feels like it'd take a lot of brain power + energy that i don't have rn#it's almost 1am tbh and i thought i'd be asleep when i got home at 930 earlier
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