cricketwashburn

[stonerzelda]

23 yr old coworker making me feel so stupid and dejected...I shoulda kicked her when she was a baby even tho I was only 3. I was so good at kicking when i was a toddler

[russeliarat]

In regards to Cia in a lot of the LU fanon space (aka fics and headcanons), I feel like she's being portrayed far worse than she actually is in Hyrule Warriors. I do think that Wars would have a lot of trauma regarding her considering she's the whole reason a war was started in his name. I do also think that starting said war is pretty bad. But I don't think she really deserves the black-and-white viewpoint most people have of her, it undermines the (attempted - it was a bad and rushed attempt but an intentional attempt nonetheless) redemption of her character arc. I say this as someone who owns the game and has combed through it for hours to attempt to rewrite that bullshit game.

But I think a lot of people are missing the part where Cia actually had control over her one-sided love for centuries as she only watched each hero and never interacted, but it was when Ganondorf came in and corrupted her that she started the war. She was under Ganondorf's influence throughout most of the game, even when she defected from him and attempted to gain the Triforce. She eventually made attempts to redeem herself after becoming free of Ganondorf due to Lana. There's also an element that Cia herself was exploited for Ganondorf's own power fantasies, it was likely that he manipulated or even told her to go to such extremes as making a war to get the Triforce and just used Cia's quiet yearning as a motive.

As dogshit as Hyrule Warriors is as a game and story, I think the idea that Lana is this perfect good is a great foil to Cia's unwavering evil, both forced to these extremes because of Ganondorf, who then regained their humanity once Cia finally broke free of him, though is more subtle in Lana is actually expressed kinda well compared to the rest of the wonkiness of the game. I think there's something to be said about Cia treatment as a antagonist compared to others like say Shadow, the way they're treated as being redeemed villains who were manipulated by Ganondorf for his own gains is vastly different across the fandom. Idk if there's a reason but it feels so distinct and I can't answer why.

This isn't to say that I don't think Wars would have a lot of issues surrounding what happened, its quite obvious he would have a lot of relationship problems on top of everything going on about the war. Its more a ramble about how people portray Cia post-HW/during LU. I myself don't understand how it happened, but as a DLC that was added for free in the Definitive Edition, Cia was revived and re-evilised, so yes she is technically alive still. I don't blame people for thinking she's some mega evil seductress that wants to capture the hearts of all the Chain, she seems very one-sided as a character at first without either getting the game and playing through yourself or skimming every website about the game (which is surprisingly few compared to its Age of Calamity counterpart - which also has its issues) and analysing the very misleading text in wiki pages and reviews. But no, she's not portrayed as a rapist (wtf literally where in the game is it even implied) nor is her character shown to be a pedophile (each hero she has been shown to fawn over are very explicitly the adult heroes).

I'm fine with headcanons, but the kind of stuff I see passed around in LU fanon is basically character assassination. It's kind of sad to see Cia just absolutely obliterated. I'm fine with some of the tamer headcanons, but some of the aforementioned like her being a rapist or a pedophile is so gross to me (and yes I've seen both multiple times in many more words to try to soften the blow of the writer/headcanoner's implications). I don't really like her character myself but I feel like I've analysed her and reworked her and picked apart her character too much to even consider humouring these kinds of ideas. Saying things like she's hypersexual or playing into her seductress image and appearance is fine because it's almost canon, I'll even agree with people calling her a stalker because she definitely was one during the war, but saying anything close to her committing anything more extreme is just not it for me.

[camelely]

Good Trouble Finale...

Okay I liked that episode. It had all the elements to make a good finale, it fit the tone of the show, and it got us ready for the next season. It wasn't the best but I did really appreciate it. Anyone else think they did multiple cliffhangers so they could gage how the audience would want to see these plots end before actually writing an end lol?

First things first the Callie plot

Judge Wilson!!!! I'm so glad they brought him back to call out Callie in the dream sequence in the courtroom. It was so good. His speech. Roger Bart's delivery. The emotional impact and Maia's performance. It was a great scene and the perfect scene for both characters.

On to her actual plot. Why didn't they tell us the verdict? This whole season has been building on this case. If one thing needed to be resolved by the finale it should have been this. Also they brought up Jerrod but once again provided us with no updates!

It's interesting how all of Jamie's character development has been off screen. Like is it too much to ask for some of it to happen in front of us? It doesn't even need to be in front of Callie? Like we can just see him doing something or learning something outside the courtroom.

If all this is building to Jamie and Callie starting a firm together I would be here for it. But only if Callie takes in the message of actually listening to other people sometimes. It is important to fight but if you dont hear what others are saying how can you fight?

Callie needs to learn not every case is some big fight to change the system case. The justice system works best when both sides have decent legal representation and yes we live in a world where that rarely happens. And juries are rarely actually impartial. But Callie is a lawyer. She's not a politician and she's not a judge. She thinks she is morally superior to everyone around her and I'm so tired of it. I really hope the dream sequence finally pushes her into some character growth.

As for her and Gael I've always disliked them as a couple. In every season before this she has treated him like a second choice and never given him the support he deserved. Everytime she went to him it was because of a fight she had with Jamie or Mariana. It kinda felt like he was finally just returning the favor this season lol. Also like I said before I actually kinda like Isabella and I'm excited to see where Gael goes when he isn't attached to a bad love triangle plot.

TBH at this point I'd rather see Jamie and Gael be happy then actually try to work things out with Callie lol. They both seem to be in better places without her and she needs sometime without a guy.

The Mariana plot

Okay I hate it here. I know the message is friendships come first but like wtf the girls were really horrible to Mariana. It's really shitty that lady... jackie? stole the app idea and idk what I wanted from this plot but the fight club girls deciding to be friends with Mariana again just wasnt it. They treated her like shit all season. Also there were more of them at the start of the season lol. Also Jackie and Evan working together like wtf. Evan was a decent guy nothing in his character makes me think he would be the type of person to be vindictive after a break-up... this feels all sorts of weird and unnecessary. Even if they end it with him choosing to help Mariana I can't see this plot actually doing anything exciting tbh. Mariana is my favorite character and this plot is already exhausting, I have a feeling it's only going to get worse from here. Overall this was the worst plot of the season and I'm not happy to continue it into next season. I just want Mariana to be happy lol.

The Dennis plot

I love it. The truck connecting back to his past trauma and healing process is 10/10. The way he is finding a passion is 10/10. Overall 10/10 lol.

The Davia plot

Also mostly good. Again they chose a cliffhanger when in reality they didn't need to? I think if you dedicate an entire season of a show to a question and have the character (or a jury lol) come to decision in the finale and then choose to not tell the audience it cheapens the whole experience and drags a plot passed its expiration date. If you want a plot to end in a cliffhanger thats fine but this isn't a cliffhanger... this is just cutting out audio that should naturally be there... for the sake of creating fake tension. Doing it once is bad enough but twice in the same episode felt personal lol.

The Malika plot

Ah Malika and the only cliffhanger that actually works. Isaac. I love Isaac. Like he's amazing and I love him so much. I really liked how their plot was focused on Malika exploring how a Poly relationship could be/is right for her. The whole plot is really well done. If she decides she wants to be monogamous with Isaac I'd be okay with that as long as it is a well written thing focusing on her choices and not his. I also wouldnt mind if Isaac and her get closure and he moves on. I think him deciding to be poly could work but I also think he made it clear that isn't really what he is looking for. Maybe an open relationship or something like that could work for them? Idk exactly but I'm very excited to see where this all goes and I'm confident the writers will do right by these characters.

More exciting is her work/activism plot. It's clearly going to cause problems with her and Dyonte but honestly Dyonte and his personality is my least favorite part of the Malika plot lol. He reminds me of Speech from the band Arrested Development. That probably isn't a fair comparison and probably makes no sense but it's the vibe I get. I like Angelica and I hope her ex/friend is a good person. I have high hopes for this plot and I really hope GT doesn't let me down. Lol watch this be the worst plot next season and Mariana be the best just because I predicted the opposite.

The Alice plot

This was the one with the most consistent writing IMO. It wasn't perfect. They had some weird character choices/build with Alice's comedy group And honestly they could have cut the program down to like four finalists. All of them started to blend together anyway. I think bringing a few into the spotlight a little more would have helped balance the character choices and if one of them was to betray Alice it would have been more emotional if we actually knew them. I liked the choice to quit but it was a lot of money and a great opportunity too. It was a truly wild way to end the plot lol. As for her and Sumi... Okay so Sumi was my least favorite Alice LI, but over this last season she really grew on me and I'd be okay if they eventually found their way back to each other. For now I'm glad they are making the more responsible choice and staying friends.

Overall this finale was very much in keeping with the themes and choices the show tends to make. But it was 90 minutes long and didn't answer any of the big season long questions. It was a really well made episode though and I liked watching it.

[one-abuse-survivor]

look i want your opinion and advice on this;

but i have two friends. that’s it’s. one i’ll call taylor, the other i’ll call penelope. (fake names). i’ve been friends with taylor for 4 years now, since 2017. she was really nice and kind to begin with, but then around 2019 i found out she was engaging and talking about me to some ex-friends about me. how i was stupid for over thinking, that they wanted to kill me or fight me with fists or words. that’s i’m annoying, mean and judgemental. that i don’t try in class therefor they shouldn’t help me. it all just felt so crazy because none of it is true. not only do i get better grades then her, try my ass off in every single subject more then her, but i’ve put so much effort in being nice, kind and sweet. not only that, but she’ll constantly find new friends and only hang out with them. will disappear in lunch’s and recess and i won’t find her so i can’t hang out with her. she isolate me, even in classes we have together. i end up sitting alone, doing my work well i can hear her laughing and giggling with her bf and friends. with penelope it’s the same. i’ve just known her less. i only knew her since the start of this year, but it’s so conflicting as she’s also very much isolating me and ignoring me. if i ask her for advice or help, she’ll answer in one or two words, or just letters like “ooooo.” but when it’s her, i give her a detailed list of advice and comfort which helps her massively (she says it does anyway) and whenever i bring up something bad happening to me, she’ll go and bring up what happened to her bad. it puts all the focus on her. too make matters worse, taylor acts like she’s penelope’s friend, but in reality will talk to her to me, and will be rude, calling her a cheater, stupid, saying how she hates her and tries to get me in with her sending mean anon messages. so i’m stuck going wtf do i do? like neither of them are prefect but i’m so fucking tired when i’m around them at school. i’m dreading going back to school next year because i just know, that not only will i be left out and left to sit in my classes only, usually on a different row or different desk (which no one ends up sitting next to me), and then hiding out in the bathroom on my breaks or in a classroom doing school work because none of them care to ask me if i want to hang or talk. it feels like i’m a nobody but it’s my last school year so idk if i should try anything

i sent the ask with the names penelope and taylor. idk it just feels so isolating and lonely cause i can’t go to them for shit as i never get a good response or they laugh about it. they never try and hang out, i’m always the one starting conversations. i hate it. i just wish they tried

Hey, nonnie. I'm really sorry you're in this situation—Penelope and Taylor sound like really bad friends, if they can be called friends at all, and they remind me a lot of some of the people I befriended in school. I'm glad it's your last year and you won't have to be around them for much longer, but I still hope this new year is treating you a bit better than the last one.

You deserve better than to give your time and energy to people who talk badly about you, who ignore you and who don't put any work into the friendship, nonnie. I know it's hard when you're in school and these people are the only friends you have, but sometimes it's better to be alone than in bad company, especially if you're already spending most of your time in class and during breaks alone because they leave you behind like that, and you already feel alone and isolated.

It's a hard decision, but I'd seriously consider ending the friendship with them, because they're not bringing anything positive into your life and you don't deserve to waste your energy helping them with their problems and starting conversations if they're going to continue to treat you like this.

If the situation gets any worse or if you feel it's seriously affecting your mood or your school life, I'd also consider talking about this with any teachers you trust. When I was in a situation similar to yours, a teacher noticed and asked me if I wanted to be changed to a different group, and I was able to become friends with people in my new class thanks to that. That may be an option for you to consider too :)

Good luck with school! Sending all my support your way ❤️

[darkpoisonouslove]

Winx Club Season 8 Thoughts Part 1

Here I am! The latest season of Winx. Can’t believe I made it here (especially after I sped through seasons 6 and 7). I am kinda excited about this because I am finally getting to watch the second part (I have seen the first one) and I think that after season 7, it really can’t get that much worse. Also, I am now used to the idea of the art style even if I still despise it completely and passionately. So let’s do this!

8x01:

- Who thought this art style was a good idea? And why did they have to bring the band back? That was so unnecessary. But at least the song in the opening isn’t bad.

- So... Bloom is the main vocalist but they just leave Musa to write all the songs? Didn’t think that could get more unfair and yet it did. Also, love how they changed the art style but Stella is still acting as immature as she has since season 4.

- Kiko is actually being acknowledged in the second minute? Please, tell me that will last after the lumens.

- Oh, wow, the plot is already starting? I am actually pleasantly surprised. Took them only two minutes.

- Ugh, not Obscurum! Pleaaaaaase!

- Lumenia is the star that lights Solaria? Does that mean it is the first sun of Solaria? Okay... That’s actually kinda cool.

- Oh, great! The one with all the info has amnesia! But actually, that might be a good idea because not everything is convenient for damn once! Edit: And Timmy and Tecna are back to being inventors! *happy sob*

- How is a scare supposed to trigger memories? By inducing a flashback of traumatic events? That’s cool but fear can also cause memory blockages. So idk about that. Lmao @ Kiko with that hammer, though. You might have the right idea, Kiko. We’ll come back to you once Twinkly gets annoying.

- The dissonance between the maturity of the Specialists’ voices and their FUCKING FACES! It is unbearable!

- Oh, Kiko is hitting on Twinkly? XD Jk. He just wants to cheer her up and it’s actually really cute. Almost makes up for them totally ruining his design.

- Not a song number! I am forewarning everyone that I will be skipping all of those.

- Omg! A scene of the Specialists talking? About their own stuff?!??! And them messing around with each other (read: mocking each other (and especially Nex)). We haven’t had that since... season 4? It was sorely missed, THANK YOU!

- Riven is back!

- And Knut is back! But wtf is up with Griselda’s voice? Also, how did they change her design the least, yet still totally ruined it? I cannot comprehend that! Lmao at her gestures at Knut, though!

- The memories of Twinkly actually looked pretty scary and traumatic. I can’t believe I am saying this but this season is doing a decent job so far and even more than that.

- Dammit, why do I have to suffer Butterflix again?

- I was gonna say that that was quick but the thing actually reappeared. That’s... pretty nice. Could be used to such a great advantage! And it was actually Stella’s spell that worked and not Bloom’s? They gave up on their obsession with Bloom to make this make sense? Um, yes, please?

- Okay, stealing starlight sounds like a rocking plan as soon as they explain well why the hell that is the goal here.

- Yeah, Stella, you are so damn cautious! Girl, you’re almost as impulsive as Bloom. (But XD @ “Caution is our middle name... More of a nickname, really”)

8x02:

- Twinkly: Where am I? Me: At Alfea. Shut up!

- Why does this show have such an aversion to letting Kiko sleep in peace, dammit?!

- Flora has a plant that takes care of other plants? Omg, that is so cool! And we’re finally seeing her care for the plants in her room again! This season is already better than seasons 6 and 7 combined.

- Stella could just use magic to shrink down that enormous suitcase.

- Omg, they’re spending time with their boyfriends again instead of just screeching at them for no reason whatsoever? Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Why are Winx mad that the Specialists didn’t tell them about Riven? What would it have changed? They still would have been shocked. And why the hell is Musa yelling at Riven? They broke up! He doesn’t owe her a schedule of his every waking moment! I hate this reaction.

- Why... are the outfits gonna let them travel in space? I mean, can you imagine how cool they could have looked in spacesuits?

- Wow, that’s a lot of pink. But that IS the Winx aesthetic to differer from the aesthetic shown in you-know-what.

- Why is the queen ruler of all the stars and not just of Lumenia? Otherwise, the star lore is pretty cool. I have to say that the whole thing with the rivers reminds of the Underworld a lot which is an interesting parallel to dwell on.

- Stella is pretty amazing in this already indeed!

- Oh, the crystal monsters. I remember those. They were really annoying. And I am not a fan of the upcoming transformation upgrade.

- Did the Specialists follow them there? Not the most unshady thing they’ve done but at least they’re helping. Also, I would like to point Netflix’ attention to the way their weapons look! Take a close look!

- OH MY GOD! Someone had a smart idea here! They are actually handling themselves even though their powers aren’t all that effective! Riven is saving Musa and being awesome! This is good enough to make me cry, wtf?

- Ooh, damn! Love the way Valtor’s mark showed up and how actually bothered by it they acted! That was cool and really created a good atmosphere!

- They saved the river AND they actually talked about the sneaking around in a (mostly) mature manner? And they resolved the conflict? RIVEN IS COMMUNICATING?????? This season is a fucking treat so far! Except for Musa being a goddamn primadonna!

- Valtor’s new design is also pretty close to his original one and yet... just NOT. IT!

- Cosmix time. Okay, the visuals are actually quite pretty (I especially love the fact that they look transparent at first; I have a feeling there’s a nice symbolism to this but I’ll have to think about it a bit more). The song isn’t bad either but it’s a little repetitive,

- They probably could have done better with the name than “star yummies” but it isn’t quite so bad. I mean, we’ve seen worse and this is pretty minor considering that they’re doing pretty well with almost everything else (so far and I hope I am not jinxing this).

8x03:

- Okay, the name sounds dumb but it’s accurate.

- I have to say that I saw the twist with Obscurum coming even if I was only clicking through the episodes when I first watched this but now I want to see if it was foreshadowed. Him saying he wants to rule Lumenia still isn’t enough foreshadowing but it does raise the question of why Lumenia specifically so it’s headed in the right direction at least.

- Nice move, Stella! And, omg, did Flora just use something that’s not vines? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am getting really hyped up over here.

- They’re thinking! They’re actually instantly adapting to the problems that they are facing! Man, this is even better than season 1! HOW? Not that I care. Just don’t let it stop!

- So Valtor is actually using starlight to buff himself on a magical level? And in season 1 they said that starlight was the purest source of magic (4kids). Is this... continuity between the first and the latest season??????? I am literally tearing up over here because I never believed this moment would come but it has and it is beautiful!

- Not a fan of the Valtor and Obscurum dynamic because it is just... a big no again, just like his working relationship with the Trix (except I can’t decide if this is worse because Obscurum is afraid or if s3 was worse because Valtor was leading the Trix on about *gags* you know (don’t make me say it)). Love the castle in the stars, though! So cool (even if it is also so very impractical).

- Man, Twinkly really is just a stand-in for the pixies, isn’t she? Same bravery and complete and utter uselessness balance.

- Stella is fucking shining and I am loving it! But did Obscurum just say “erase them”? You mean... this has actual stakes? And Bloom’s projection of the Dragon Fire makes sense because Cosmix is light-based? Musa is using an attack that basically acts like an earthquake except without the damage aka... safe for usage? I am going to pass out from happiness. Like, you don’t even know.

- THEY ACTUALLY LOST?????? And they are not giving up but... coming up with a plan???? That is smart??????????????????? I am in love with this season for now.

- They powered the core! And that will now cause Valtor to make a shift in his strategy! This season is actually dynamic! Goddamit, yes!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

-  Obscurum to Valtor: “Something more intimate? You, me...” ... Why is he hitting on him? Bleh. But damn! The trap dimension has so much potential!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Oh, song time. Goodie. Why is Obscurum acting like he has the dancing plague? And, for fuck’s sake, why am I getting Christian Grey vibes from Valtor? Ugh! *shudders* Please, no! But he is actually taking Winx seriously and coming up with countermeasures? Um, yes, I will take that!

- Ugh, why are they having classes again?! I hate that part!

- Sky, you know where they were! But I actually kinda like the change to have Bloom be the one that doesn’t have time for dating instead of having her sulking over Sky being a prince and having royal duties the whole time.

- What do you mean that Griselda doesn’t know what is going on? This is not Griselda!

- Tecna, watch what you’re putting in your damn potion! I know Musa fucked up but you could have checked what she handed you!

- Aww, Tecna throwing a dance party to cheer Musa up was so cute! And look at Stella dragging all that luggage up the stairs on her own! She is precious (and devoted to fashion but this time in a not so annoying manner... so far.)

8x04:

- Dammit, why is Obscurum the first thing I see?

- Okay, it’s pretty cute how excited Bloom is. And all the rest of Winx helping Sky while at the same time judging him for not being better for Bloom and putting more effort in it. This is just the dynamic! I love it!

- Musical food? What the hell, Musa?! But lmao at the Sky and Flora moment there. And Musa and Layla’s reaction to his words. But he was right. Flora was the only one being useful.

- What picnic under the stars? There are no stars! It’s the middle of the day!

- Oh, why the drama now? Bloom also forgot their date in the previous episode because of her mission. Sky is doing the exact same rn! Hypocrisy much?

- “Your Great Malevolence” and “Your Vileness”? I don’t like Obscurum but his decorum is amusing at the very least.

- But if a star has to be attacked before it will alert them that they need to go there, they won’t be one step ahead of Valtor. They might be able to catch up with him but they are still one step behind him.

- A moving star. That was actually a cool idea although I am not sure how the hell that is supposed to work.

- Why have those lumens never heard of music? But damn, I am actually happy that they made the band plot relevant (for all of 3 seconds). At least make it have some purpose.

- At least Bloom actually also supported Sky while attacking him. She is literally the definition of mixed signals here but that’s better than her just being plain mad.

- Can they use the music to capture the star yummies in a trance? That would be nice and it would justify having the band in this season.

- Stella is having the time for a selfie while actually being super effective and handling that part of the mess on her own? Yes, please! Where was that in the previous seasons?!

- The thief is not “trying” to attack. He is attacking! But damn, Brandon made some good moves there! Are you telling me that we actually get to see the Specialists doing their own missions again plus a really cute parallel between Brandon and Stella? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it!

- They’re being pulled in a black hole? Holy shit! This season is actually getting intense! And it makes sense? I am shooketh! Can Stella save them with her light, though?

- Oh, nvm! They’re gonna do it together. Eh, that still works I guess.

- The Specialists were really working as a team here and I have missed seeing that so much! It’s great to have the show acknowledge them again. It could have only been better if they didn’t look like first graders.

8x05:

- Oh, now the whole starship is being pulled into the black hole? That is actually cool! They are maintaining the tension for more than three seconds and they are showing how things actually function? Well, there’s a big surprise.

- I am glad that they are actually solving this but why couldn’t Stella generate stardust herself? She is the fairy of the sun, the moon and the stars. It would have been really interesting to see her do that and this season’s theme is right up her alley.

- Valtor’s failure is kinda amusing. But I feel a little bad about Obscurum because he literally has to walk on eggshells around Valtor. No one should have to be put through anxiety like that.

- Ooh, zero gravity plus invisibility device? That is so cool!

- I wish Bloom and Sky would have talked about their little drama with the surprise, especially because there was no need for it since the delay actually helped make things even better and much more romantic. And I am also not all that sold on the Beauty and the Beast vibes I am getting from this.

- Why is Musa acting like that again? Riven is trying to be supportive and take interest in her music. I know that he ran away but obviously something happened.

- Good thing that Riven is being competent while the rest are busy partying. He did pretty well considering that he just intercepted a planned heist and he wasn’t prepared.

- Aren’t you supposed to drift in space instead of fall as if there’s gravity?

- I am a little done with the ship being threatened yet again because it can’t move without the stupid core but I really want to see how Winx are gonna save it now that the ruby is stolen.

- Maybe if they try something else other than generic blasts they may be able to defeat it.

- Valtor was the one that summoned the black hole? And he is getting low on magic juice? That kinda makes sense now that he doesn’t have Dragon Fire anymore.

- O-kay. That strategy was semi logical. Not the best they have done but it could have been worse.

- Selfish? He is trying to save a whole planet! It wasn’t like he was stealing it for the money! No, I get it that his actions weren’t okay but Musa is being a bitch to everyone. And what she just said to Riven. She is refusing to give him a second chance but is acting like she’s the one who is making all the compromises here!

8x06:

- Why wouldn’t he be allowed on Eridia? Oh, he really fucked up the core.

- Oh, shut the fuck up, Orion! It is your fault it didn’t work because you were the one who broke the core and now it can’t hold the light!

- Flora is really rooting (whoops) for abandoning the core. Nice one! How the fuck does she think to save the plants without fucking light?!?!?!?!

- Can I throw Orion in the black hole? HE is the one who fucked the whole thing up because he didn’t know what he was doing and now he is yelling at them that they don’t have a plan! Even though they agreed to help him instead of throwing him in jail!

- At least Valtor is adapting to the situation on the go and coming up with new strategies. But Orion is such a fool. He is desperate but why didn’t he consider the question of why the hell Valtor would care? Obviously he has beef with Winx which puts him at the not-so-trustworthy column.

- Man, Riven is right. Orion is a damn actor and very good at playing them. That isn’t his problem, of course, but the Winx’. I just wish Musa would think instead of pout the whole time.

- Shut up about the goddamn plants, Flora! You can’t save them in any longterm way without fixing the core of the planet first!

- DO NOT make “starsome” a thing. It sounds ridiculous. It doesn’t even make sense!

- Riven is actually discussing how he feels with the other Specialists? And they’re having fun (even if it is at his expense)? Why does Musa refuse to see how much he’s changed? I hate the way they are just trying to make more stupid drama!

- You do not look like big lumens to me but okay. Twinkly has a serious crush on her friend, doesn’t she?

- Yes, we all know that Tecna is a genius. And that is why she doesn’t become pray to stupid love drama when there is no reason for any!

- How the hell was Stella supposed to know if it will actually be safer? She said it looked safer! There is a difference! Also, they are only now wondering why Orion left them on their own!

- Now you guys are screwed! But wtf, why did Tecna just covere her eyes instead of... trying to do something like the rational person that she actually is! And you have to love how they only had Flora and Stella arguing so that they will have to come together to save the rest giving the illusion that they are actually undergoing some development. But hey! An episode without a musical number!

8x07:

- What is this now? Are they trying to make us sympathize with Orion by showing some remorse on his part? It is not working!

- They made Obscurum a cheerleader? He seems to be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, though he is not exactly a prisoner or hostage of Valtor’s. But still. There is some kind of similar vibes.

- Cool! They revealed that the star yummies are actually corrupted lumens. That was a pretty clever idea, not gonna lie. And it is totally on brand for Valtor which is also great.

- Well, I don’t see you, lumens, fixing the fucking core yourselves so you might wanna start appreciating the fact that they’re trying! They didn’t know the core was broken and wouldn’t hold the Cosmix light!

- And how do you plan on saving them, Orion? You have no idea what you’re up against and you just betrayed the only people that cared about helping you!

- Why is Twinkly not being corrupted like all the other lumens? They are different in some way that was never explained but it was already implied that the corruption works on ALL of the lumens! So what gives? Except obvious plot convenience, of course.

- So Flora actually tried something else and didn’t go for the vines at all? I am shocked... but appreciative!

- Why aren’t the plants answering? Are they too dead for words? But that spell was actually pretty cool! They made a little sun that also has nature powers added to it to shine on all of the plants at once! That was so clever and actually pretty creative! I love it!

- The nature defeating technology theme is a little misplaced I would say considering the way they fix the problem with the broken cores of the stars later on.

- Wait! Winx were transformed when the robot caught them. Why did they have to transform again and when did the transformations disappear?

- They didn’t actually fight the thing! So far their powers have been used very little for actual battle and a lot more in creative ways to restore the balance of the stars. That actually makes a lot of sense since that was what the Cosmix was for! I like it!

- Did they just make a magical sun out of Stella’s powers by boosting her energy? This was awesome!

- Why did they think Orion was the one that changed the lumens? They know that Valtor is the one working with Obscurum and commanding them! That was such a stupid guess and for what? To give Obscurum some kind of “witty” line for his entrance?

- Orion does have cool inventions but for being a genius creator he is being a fucking dumbass! Oh, now you want to be “united” with them. After you almost got them killed and your planet fucked over big time.

- Musa is gonna give Orion a third chance but she’s gonna keep being a bitch to Riven, huh?

- Wizgiz’ redesign is giving me nightmares. Why is he teaching them something that they have been doing literally since season 2 and just did not three minutes ago?!?!?!?! And why are Knut and Kiko painting the yard pink? Really? Just so that Winx can show what they have learned even though they’ve known it for about seven years now?!?!?!?!

- Submarine star? That sounds rocking. But wait, they are using Sirenix in the next ep? Why don’t I remember that? I have watched this... I think. Yes, I have. I remember the stupidity and Nex and Layla having a moment. So why don’t I remember Sirenix?

8x08:

- I thought Valtor was on the scene and then it turned out he was just in an illusion. *sigh* And why can’t he just go himself? He is not doing anything this season. Just sitting on his ass and bossing Obscurum around. It’s just... not Valtor at all. And what’s this obsession with fucking up Andros every goddamn time he shows up?

- Aww, Winx are being so adorable and supportive! Nex, too, though that is OOC. But I can’t understand why Layla didn’t just pick up the phone and tell Nex that she needs him to stop calling so that she can focus. What is so hard about that?

- I like this version of Stella’s fashion obsession. It feels a lot more natural and isn’t overtaking the whole group and the show.

- Well, they didn’t ruin Theredor and Niobe’s designs! That’s something. And Ligea looks pretty much the same as well. I don’t understand why they felt the need to fuck up Winx and the Specialists’ designs but okay.

- Why are they making Layla unable to remember three sentences? She can do much more than that and she has always been the most capable one of Winx and an exemplary princess.

- Oh, so they already mentioned that the queen’s brother disappeared exactly when Valtor showed up (How tf does she even know that? The flashback that was shown later plus the fact that no one seemed to know Valtor was back before Winx saw his mark in 8x02 contradict that.). That and Obscurum saying he wants to rule Lumenia plus Valtor’s obvious knack for corrupting and changing everyone that’s working for him, spill it all out.

- Pretty sure no one at that party cares about Twinkly but whatevs. As long as she isn’t on screen to be annoying.

- Nex transformation time!

- Sirenix is back (never has that ever happened before) and I hate the redesign even more than the original. Didn’t think it was possible. They have also fucked up the transformation sequence and made it more boring. Nice move!

- Why is Layla refusing to talk? Coming forth about her feelings is gonna make it better. I like that Nex is actually being sensitive here even if he never naturally changed to become like that and they are just writing him wildly OOC. But he was so much of an asshole that I prefer this tbh.

- How the fuck do Sirenix powers have no effect on “a creature of darkness”? They went on the Sirenix Quest to defeat Tritanus who was definitely a creature of darkness! The writers don’t even know what they’re saying anymore. At least they left Winx handling the shark even if their powers aren’t working on it. If they’d sent Nex after it and Winx after Obscurum, it would have been too convenient.

- I like the fact that they managed when their magic was useless against the enemy. At least the writers are being a little more creative in the battles by making them rely more on strategy rather than on their powers. I can accept generic blasts and beams if the idea is that that makes their magic so useless that they need to find a creative solution.

- Nex is rooting for teamwork? He really has changed. I just wish they would have shown that instead of just jumping the gun like that.

8x09:

- Why didn’t they try trapping the star yummies in a morphix net? Or something that Tecna made with her magic? Or figured out a way to close the portals that let the star yummies come and go?

- They’re gonna make THAT a problem? Breathing underwater without Sirenix? Not like Layla has been able to breathe underwater continuously throughout seasons 2-5 without the need for Sirenix. AND she also taught the others how to perform the spell. This is such a non-problem.

- They also changed the Sirenix spells, didn’t they?

- They have been in tougher predicaments. I hate how they keep making Layla despair without a reason because she has always had a damn fighting spirit.

- Oh, look! It’s the anemone stupidity. And how is Stella supposed to wake up when she is under the influence of the anemone sting? You could try a spell if you want to wake her up, Flora!

- You’d think the lumens of Andros would know their fucking princess!!!!!

- What was the big idea with rushing out of the cave if Layla didn’t have a plan? Also, she was the one that figured out the anemones attacked when they were provoked, yet she kept attacking. Stop fucking attacking them! It’s only making things worse! Jeez, it’s not so hard to figure out that you shouldn’t antagonize them.

- So the Andros lumens sing but the Peripla ones have never heard of the existence of music? Pretty damn solid. Also, they just sang the same melody the whole time even after Layla asked them for something extra beautiful.

- How the hell did she fill the morphix with air? Did she pull all the water out in the morphix shielding and only left the oxygen atoms inside to make up oxygen molecules? This somehow doesn’t seem normal but anyway.

- So what unspelled the shark? The light of Gorgol? The living star? The starfish star? They are really starting to fuck up this season.

- Love how they never said how many years old Andros is becoming!

- Why did they make the trap dimension look like a pinball machine? What was up with that? And why did Gravity Falls do it so much better?

8x10:

- So now Alfea is having an anniversary as well? And why the fuck is Twinkly only asking now about the meaning of anniversary when they already were at the anniversary party on Andros? And they really made “starsome” a recurring slang? I hate it.

- Why is Faragonda letting the students organize the anniversary? Also, not a fan of how these latest seasons are making Griselda and Faragonda look not so fond of each other. They definitely felt a lot more in sync in the first seasons.

- Lmao, love how Winx are roasting themselves. But I cannot believe that no one has said anything about Helia’s ugliest haircut... yet. They couldn’t have possibly fucked it up more after the season 4 disaster and they somehow did! Fucking spectacular! And why is Riven wearing a scarf? When the fuck have you seen Riven with a scarf? This is ridiculous!

- Love the way Flora and Helia just decided that they will be matchmakers now! But I do think that they should first try figuring out why Musa can’t forgive Riven before deciding she will trust him.

- Why didn’t Twinkly just sit on Riven’s shoulder instead of plopping herself down right on top of the controls? The zero gravity dancing was actually pretty cute but Musa could have tried just dancing with Riven. Or at least they could have said something about why she feels like she can’t even dance with him (because she feels him unfamiliar anymore or something).

- Hypsos looks so very familiar but I can’t place it. Reminds a little of Amentia’s kingdom tbh.

- I cannot believe that the Twinkly and Lumila storyline will actually have a bearing on the real plot. How did they manage? Though, I suppose I should be happy about that.

- Turning a constellation into an actual monster was a damn good idea! Although, the writers sort of implied that Valtor has the power level of a god which has not been supported by the narrative. He was such a stronger villain in season 3.

- So... what did they do? Did they send the Hydra through the portal that the star yummies use? I actually remember it being a bigger threat and harder to defeat. Is this really the end?

- Oh, look! They can reverse the star yummy corruption with the power of love! Cut to the wedding (of Twinkly and Lumila).

- I said wedding, not a fucking concert!

- Musa, I don’t even know you anymore! Since when doesn’t she want to be the center of attention! She was literally mad at him because he hadn’t called aka paid her attention! Besides, she’s a singer (which you couldn’t fucking guess from the fact that Bloom is the goddamn vocalist!). What do you mean that he exposed her? Those are just some outlined images projected! She is a lot more exposed when she sings on stage! This is so goddamn stupid! Season 2 Musa would never.

- And why are they making Flora and Helia fuck up their own sync over Musa and Riven? They should just not meddle and keep their own relationship in harmony!

8x11:

- I am so glad we’re getting rid of Obscurum soon. I have had it with him! “Go undercover as one of [Winx]”? What the actual fuck?!

- Why is the trap dimension a goddamn gaming universe? They are truly wasting its potential! And why not just shove Winx in there?!

- Flora and Helia have never had a disagreement before? Come again? And now she’s saying they never even had different opinions on anything? That is so totally healthy, you know. And the implication that that is how a relationship should be. Wow! Fucking spectacular move!

- Just don’t make Winx fight over the Flora and Helia situation! And that was a perfect example of why they don’t need to agree on everything.

- At first I agreed with the opinion I have seen floating around that the emogix are too specific but this is the Magic Dimension. They have teleportation. What is so hard to believe that they have code that can quickly animate specific actions with pre-coded visual parameters about every separate object in the animation?

- I want to see Griselda react to that fireworks explosion!

- That was the big talk? At least they said that disagreements are not inherently bad but still. This was just a damn non-closure to a damn non-problem.

- Well, Obscurum’s plan isn’t so bad but Winx have already not been welcomed by lumens. It isn’t so original.

- Why are Knut and Kiko coming along all of a sudden? Oh, that’s right! Because those lumens are ogres like Knut. How convenient!

- I don’t know what’s so hard to understand about the fact that the lumens obviously believe that Winx have come to steal their treasure and that is why they’re attacking them.

- Tecna needed an analysis to tell that the lumens think they’re enemies and want to steal their treasure? They said that! REPEATEDLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Was the core broken accidentally or on purpose? I missed that part but I don’t think that Valtor has caught on to the fact that breaking the cores will make it much harder for Winx to save the stars. Also, why did he never try to steal the Cosmix light that the Winx put in the dark cores? That would have been an interesting plan!

- Well, Convenient Knut is being awfully convenient! As was planned.

- So now the crystal is actually gonna serve as a core? Wow, what a cop-out.

- You’re telling me that Obscurum was actually the one that thought of the idea of breaking the cores on purpose? This season is really doing Valtor dirty. I just... I can’t watch. Why do they have to be like that?

- Also, he’s only now figuring out he needs to get rid of Bloom? He had that figured out at the beginning of season 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8x12:

- A wishing star that hasn’t been seen in almost a 1000 years? And he needs Cosmix to get near? How is enhancing his powers going to get him closer to the star if the problem is his darkness? What, is Cosmix gonna conceal his dark powers? Somehow, that doesn’t make sense. But damn, at least this thing is protected from dark powers so that malevolent wishes won’t be made.

- Bloom has her priorities in check and Sky comes third? After Vanessa and the mission? That is a nice change of pace, actually.

- Why doesn’t Bloom just use her goddamn magic?! It would have been so much easier! It’s hers! It’s not like she is forbidden to use it.

- Lmao, Obscurum is acting as if Valtor actually cares about him. And he thinks he’s evil? Wow, that’s cute.

- Is it me or does Vanessa look so much thinner than she used to? Not a fan of that.

- You’re telling me Bloom never made an album for her parents before? But I love the fact that they are sharing and Bloom tells them that she loves home more than anything. That was actually something that the show could have used about 4 seasons ago.

- Why do the Earth lumens look like Roman soldiers?

- Anyone else feel like the transformation of the star yummies into bigger entities is legit based on Pokemon evolution? It really operates the exact same way Pokemon evolution does.

- They’re mentioning the queen’s brother again? In what is not foreshadowing but a plainly obvious non-twist.

- Musa is really disgusted by the star yummies? They actually look pretty cute and fluffy to me. Kinda cuter than the lumens even. Not to mention that they can face monsters and whatnot but they can’t make themselves touch the star yummies? Some Guardian Fairies you are!

- Valtor feels like a nervous teenager about to introduce himself to his crush. What the hell were they thinking?

- I like the designs of the dark giants where the writings on them are concerned. They look like rune rings around their torsos and arms and I actually love the idea of that.

- The scene with Bloom and her parents was pretty good. I love the way she compartmentalized the situation and managed to be on all the fronts she needed to be on even if she had to ask for backup to do it. It was awesome!

- Valtor finally decided to show the fuck up! Halfway through the season! Love how Stella is sassing him! A little surprised that he knows her name, though.

- I don’t think that hugging that last form of star yummy evolution is gonna work. Might be a too big concentration of corrupted lumens in order for the hug thing to work.

- Goblin yummies? Oh, no. Stargoyles. Wow. Okay.

- I love the dilemma that Valtor presented! Bloom really can’t be in two places at the same time! I would be very interested (as I was the first time) if I didn’t know how this ended... aka in disappointment.

8x13:

- Backstory time! What the hell do you mean that Valtor’s life force was drifting through the universe? For years? After the Dragon Fire - that literally made up his whole being - was extinguished? And how the hell was he brought back with the power of the stars? Wtf?

- Bloom, it’s really not that hard to figure out that Obscurum is the queen’s brother! I guessed that the first time I watched this and I didn’t even know she had a brother because I had been clicking through the episodes!

- If Obscurum really thinks that being Valtor’s minion is better than being in the shadow of his sister, then she must have fucked up big time! And I mean, really big time!

- So the artificial cores are not supposed to be that small? That is just a prototype.

- I have a question - how fast do the Specialists’ ships travel for example? Because Twinkly says that she’s traveling at the speed of light but I doubt that the tech can go so fast. Aka my train of thought was what if there are planets in the Magic Dimension that are so far from one another that the people can never meet because the tech doesn’t travel fast enough? Since that seems to be the common method of transportation rather than teleportation which could totes solve that problem.

- I really wish someone other than Sky would be protecting Mike and Vanessa. And wasn’t Valtor saying that only he can stop the Stargoyles? “Cause the Specialists just got rid of all of them. At least the dark giants truly seem to be unstoppable.

- I was so hyped when Bloom said she’d give Cosmix to Valtor! It would have been so interesting to see how they would defeat him if he had Cosmix as well. But they just had Cosmix reject him? Because it has sentience apparently? That was such a fucking cop-out! Just commit to your best ideas goddammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Why is Twinkly getting the artificial core to the Specialists instead of the other Winx? They need it inside the sun! Not on the surface of the Earth.

- Wtf? Didn’t Bloom send Twinkly towards the Earth? She is inside the Sun! What was that maneuvering?!

- So the dark giants would have been defeated when the sun was fixed anyway? Meaning that Bloom could have chosen to go help Winx and that would have solved the dilemma aka there was no actual dilemma, except she didn’t know that? Man, what a bummer!

- Poor Vanessa. Had her birthday almost completely ruined!

- Wasn’t the queen supposed to be powerless? But that moment was so emotional there! And I love the fact that she acted as an example to the lumens to have them freeing the star yummies and helping them change back. Does that mean that the part with the stars is over for this season, though?

- Not a goddamn concert again! Come on! Dedicate the song to your mom, at the very least!!!!!

- Where is Valtor? This doesn’t look like the castle amongst the stars. What happened? Oh, and you’re telling me he has no more magical energy?

- What the hell do you mean that the Trix have power like the power of the Winx? Icy’s power is literally an opposite of Bloom’s!!!!! What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I have been so confused about this ever since I first watched it over a year ago! But at least the Trix were imprisoned separately this time. Someone in this goddamn universe finally had a smart idea!

Part 2 is here.

[fencesandfrogs]

cloudtail’s daughter: dovewing

so i felt the compulsion to analyze more of the warrior cats bloodlines in terms of genetics but i'm not going to do that, that feels like a bad use of my time.

instead, i'm going to keep writing about the cloudtail's daughter au. namely, now that i've described the basics and gone over some world building stuff, i'm going to discuss each of the protagonists in turn. this isn't going to be about their books, but an overview of what they do across the series. i'll do book summaries later. and then i'll just write the whole fanfiction why-don't-i.

anyway, we're starting strong with dovewing, because she's the whole reason i'm writing this gd au.

section one: lovewing dovewing

so dovewing. i've talked the most about her so this will either be the shortest or the longest post in this collection. my money is on the longest. first, i want to talk about why i love dovewing so much:

i have sensory issues. dovewing has sensory issues. that's all.

oh, and i think her and tigerheart are cute.

anyway, in serious, dovewing is an underappreciated character. she gets a lot of flak for replacing hollyleaf. i hated hollyleaf when i first read the books, so i was happy for a replacement, especially in the form of a fluffy grey kitten, but even now that i'm older and have a larger appreciation for hollyleaf, i still love dovewing.

she's caring and anxious and awkward and easily overwhelmed. she's selfish, but no more than is reasonable in a child. she legitimately loves her sister but can't quite understand why ivypool is mad at her all the time. she's desperate to prove herself, and she's shattered when the external thing she's anchored herself to is ripped away from her, and she really does have sensory issues that plague her throughout the series, are aren't really resolved until she's an adult with kits. (even then, i'd personally argue she's just no longer a focus so we don't see it anymore. given that shadowsight finds her in tigerstar's den a lot, i'd almost bet that she's hiding from the outside world. that's an inference, though, that's weakly grounded.)

so yeah, dovewing appeals to me as a character, but i also understand why people aren't so universal fond of her.

section two: dovekit

dovekit is born to cloudtail and brightheart. she's fluffy. very fluffy. ivykit is also fluffy, but she becomes sleek over time. dovekit stays fluffy.

at first, the nursery thinks she might be deaf, because she's really slow to respond to auditory cues. she's really fast to open her eyes, too, which just compounds everyone's thinking. but they confirm she's not deaf, just, well, they don't know.

her father is big and fluffy and concerned for his wife, so she spends a lot of time with him. cloudtail notices she's always hiding in him, like she's being chased, and she speaks really quietly. so he's like. hey, brightheart, love of my life, i think our daughter is hearing too well.

brightheart is like damn that's a thing? cloudtail is like idk but explain this (and he points to dovekit, repeating their conversation to ivykit too far away to hear it that well.)

everyone is a little aware of firestar's general approach to throw-the-disabled-cats-in-the-healer-hole approach to disabilities, and so they decide to handle it as a family matter. ivykit, being equally young, is mostly left out of this. of course, they don't know how to compensate for hearing too much, only too little, and it eventuall becomes obvious dovekit isn't relying on sight the way she should either. but eventually, she starts to learn the names for what she's hearing, starts to recognize what's coming from in camp and what's coming from out, and that lets her attach images to words in a way she was struggling to do before.

her nose gives her minimal issues, because it's just a little less overwhelming. it's the weakest of her external senses, so she's not smelling the whole territory at once.

anyway, they also realize she's hyper aware of touch. she hates the rain, she's cautious around new textures, and she continues to sleep on top of brightheart for a very long time because mom = soft, nest = not. they don't really know what to do about that, so she just kind of learns to suck it up.

but she really doesn't like it.

anyway, ivykit is a typical kit, and dovekit just kind of sits there. staring. with big, blue (kittens eyes start blue then change colors her eyes will eventually be green) eyes. and just when you think she's zoning out, she turns to another conversation across camp and starts talking in it like they can hear her. but i mean, there have been worse kits starting their apprentices.

(leafpool thinks its a shame they have a fully trained medicine cat, or she would make, well, not a good medicine cat, but certainly better than a warrior. jayfeather does not want that. jayfeather is right.)

section three: dovepaw I, pre-beavers

dovepaw and cinderheart are a good duo. cinderheart is young, but patient and caring. and no one thinks dovepaw will be a difficult apprentice.

she excels at scenting territory, even if she is a little cautious of where the borders are, and she can seek out prey very well. she lands a couple of early catches, making ivypaw grumble, but for, like, a moon afterwards, she fails to catch a single thing.

not a ton happens in this time, to be frank. dovepaw and ivypaw squabble but there's no wedge between them yet. dovepaw wants to impress cinderheart but she can't focus. she can locate prey but she never catches it, and her crouch is always perfect but she misses the target, and she doesn't understand why. cinderheart doesn't either.

so, dovepaw knows everyone is treating her with kid gloves, and she's pretty resentful about that. she decides to sneak out at night and practice hunting. she's mostly unsuccessful, and she eventually falls down the tunnels and meets fallen leaves and is stuck there for about three days. ivypaw finds her, and helps lead her out. dovepaw is thankful to be home, but feels like even more of a failure. this is when she becomes full and proper anxiety child. (this is actually a major part of book one, distance whispers, but it's really more part of ivypaw's journey that dovepaw, because dovepaw spends most of it hurt and scared and hungry.)

then, dovepaw hears the beavers. (in the tunnels, she could kind of hear the other parts of thunderclan, but not the beavers. eventually she's like, "yo cinderheart what part of territory has the loud click clackers." cinderheart is like "wtf.") the lake has been drying up, but dovepaw was born into a drought. she doesn't know what's going on, not how bad its getting. but the beavers? yeah. she tells cinderheart about them and cinderheart is like "ohhhhhh. dovepaw is special. that explains a lot." and tells firestar about it. anxiety dovepaw vibrates by her side the entire time.

interestingly, dovepaw is a lot closer to firestar in kinship than she is in the original (because she's actually kin of his kin), but she's still not super close to him. he's pretty old, and she's decently far removed from him. he cares about her as cloudtail's daughter, not as dovepaw, if that makes sense? like any care for her beyond the care extended to any other apprentice is not because it's dovepaw, but because she's cloudtail's daughter.

section four: dovepaw II, beavers

so dovepaw knows she's dragging 9 cats on a crazy quest.

(why nine? a) i think it's neat if nine is a holy number for cats. much better than eight. b) hollyleaf needs to come so there's a narrator during this. it can't be cinderheart or hollyleaf and jayfeather & lionblaze and cinderheart share their books like ivypool and dovewing, and i don't like that because then there's a false parallel being drawn where it doesn't make sense. like, i could do that, but the problem is, the books don't line up with key points in their relationships. so. doesn't work.)

anyway, dovepaw knows this is insane and she feels desperate to prove herself. she's in front of warriors from other clans, and she can barely hunt, and her senses are going wild. cinderheart takes her aside and is like, "so dovepaw, do you want to tell them what's up? we can explain."

and dovepaw, anxiety child and desperate, is like "sounds like an excuse, so, no."

tigerheart is like, this dovepaw. she's fluffy. she's cute. dovepaw is like. this tigerheart. he's fluffy. he's cute. and they get off like gangbusters. tigerheart is gentle towards dovepaw, but not in a way that makes her feel like its because she's fragile. it's because she's dovepaw. and he wants to be gentle to her. cinderheart is like, "this might be a problem," but this is also the first time she's seen dovepaw out of her shell and talking at a reasonable volume. so she's not about to stop this. at least, not yet.

(cinderpelt may or may not be like "hey hey hey do you remember the leafpool drama? do you want to do this again?")

tigerheart is also super quiet. this isn't really a product of him, so much as their environment, but he's quiet when he's not talking and loud when he is, and dovepaw just feels safe around him. so they get close.

for the most part, the rest of beavers proceeds as in canon. there's no reason to change it, even if cinderheart wasn't strong like lionblaze, having hollyleaf there would definitely compensate. so they're fine.

they return victorious. dovepaw, by the end of the journey, is practically sleeping on top of tigerheart.

it's not really romantic yet, by the way. dovepaw started this journey sleeping on top of cinderheart. everyone in thunderclan knows that dovepaw sleeps on top of people. but tigerheart is big so he basically doesn't notice when dovepaw, who is tiny and isn't done filling out (she's full height all the apprentices are that's how cats grow) is on top of him.

cinderheart is like, "this is definitely a problem." hollyleaf and cinderpelt are facepalming.

but no one wants dovepaw to go back to being quiet, and she's already kind of shut down after the deaths taking care of the beavers, so they all try to bring dovepaw into the group, and dovepaw doesn't resist, she just likes tigerheart. she's going to miss him a lot when they get back, and that's why they keep meeting. because tigerheart doesn't treat dovepaw the way most thunderclan cats do, and she likes that.

also, after they get back, she develops a huge crush on him.

(since we don't get tigerheart perspective in this series, i'll add in here: tigerheart has complicated feelings about dovepaw. warrior cats do not establish a good age for cats to be with each other, but i'm going to say that if dovepaw and tigerheart were in the same clan, everyone would assume they were leaning towards mates. but they aren't, which makes it complicated. he likes her companionship, and he's not opposed to her as a mate, but mostly he feels deeply protective of her and cares deeply about her. kind of like how i assume brambleclaw and squirrelpaw were supposed to be portrayed, but like, done well.)

section five: dovepaw III, post-beavers (pre-tribe)

so this is probably the section that's most similar to canon, but it'd like to do the tigerheart dovepaw shit better. hopefully, by setting up tiger/dove better before, they'll be more compelling now.

anyway, ivypaw is annoyed at dovepaw, and dovepaw is like, "bruh i can't even hunt"

dovepaw feels really inadequate because now everyone thinks highly of her even though she can't do anything. she overhears someone (greystripe? brambleclaw? lionblaze?) discussing making her a warrior, and she feels even worse. (ivypaw also overhears this, but not for superpower reasons.) she feels especially bad because she knows ivypaw is holding back and now dovepaw is getting rewarded and that can't happen.

so dovepaw is falling apart, and cinderheart decides something needs to be done. piecing together everything she knows about her apprentice, she decides mabye the mountain is helpful.

section six: dovepaw IV, tribe

okay we have a travelling book. not that this is about the books, but this takes place in about one book, so i might as well point that out.

anyway, cinderheart, lionblaze, dovepaw, and ivypaw all head to the tribe. why them? lionblaze knows ivypaw is holding back. anyway, we're not covering them.

so they get there and dovepaw is like "too loud too loud can't hear shit too loud" but the tribe kind of knows how to deal with this. see, tribe kits are born with the waterfall in the background, but every now and then, a queen will kit away from the main cave, and so they have to make a temporary den for first two moons, minimum, of the kits' lives. more if it's winter. so when those kits get to the waterfall, they're overwhelmed.

and here, with nothing to hear or see but what the tribe hears and sees, dovepaw is on level footing. they let dovepaw train with the prey hunter to-bes, and she's basically starting over, but she's not that old compared to the tribe to-bes, and the strategy works well for her. ivypaw doesn't really fit in, but they decide to train her to be a cave guard.

dovepaw is succeeding but barely, and ivypaw is still excelling (from dovepaw's perspective), and all dovepaw wants is to be good enough, and then cinderheart is expecting them to work together, and no one can hear dovepaw because she talks too quiet.

but ivypaw and dovepaw do make a good team. so. two to three moons later, before winter sets in and they can't leave (or they stay over winter, not sure, need to check timeline of books), they head home.

dovepaw, senses blocked, is at 200% anxiety 100% of the time, and she's vibrating, but at least she can hunt. i mean, hunt as well as a fresh apprentice on their first patrol, but she's improving rapidly, as long as ivypaw is with her.

section seven: dovepaw V, post-tribe (final dovepaw)

so dovepaw gets better and better at hunting, and she learns to keep track of non-ivypaw cats, and they're finally made warriors.

dovewing and ivypool sit vigil and dovewing realizes that it's not that hard to not talk to ivypool. and she's not a fan of that.

section eight: dovewing I, tigerheart

at this point, dovewing is in BGCH, so this is probably the most important part of her life for this post. anyway, dovewing and tigerheart continue to meet. they are in L-O-V-E love. it's not in the books because we know it's happening and it'd get boring we had a book of them bonding we don't need another unless it's a romance novel (dovewing's silence, tigerheart's shadow).

anyway, this is when the bumblestripe drama occurs. she is, for lack of a better word, bumblestripe is courting dovewing while dovewing is planning to elope with tigerheart. but bumblestripe treats dovewing softly. with kid gloves. like she is a fragile thing he needs to protect.

this is distinctly different from tigerheart, who views her as precious and worthy of protection, someone he loves and would dedicate his life to keep safe. she's not fragile. she's strong.

so yeah bumblestripe can't figure out why he doesn't like her. dovewing tries to express it. dovewing also misses ivypool. i'm not sure who she's friends with right now. i don't have a good handle on young cats her age. poppyfrost? briarlight?

honestly, yeah, she gets on with briarlight and jayfeather. her sense of smell was too overpowering as a kit for her to like the medicine cat's den, but now that she's older and she's learned to cope, she starts to bond with briarlight. for one, it gives her a convient bumblestripe spacer, and for another, briarlight and jayfeather are legitmately kind and caring cats.

(yes, jayfeather. we'll talk about him.)

ivypool eventually begins to make it up with her, but both of them are tense about the affair.

anyway, this carries on, status quo, until the prophecy is revealed.

section nine: dovewing II, dovewing in shadowclan

so dovewing and ivypool are sent to shadowclan. tigerheart is a little upset about dovewing not telling him about the prophecy, but she was ordered not to via medicine cat, and that's a higher power he respects. so for the most part, they're okay. a little bit of squabbling as they're adults living together now for the first time, but they're alright. she eventually goes back to sleeping on top of him.

pine needles are prickly, she likes soft things, ivypool is mad at her all of the time. dovewing is good at hunting in shadowclan territory: with less birds and twigs, she can focus on the important sounds. she's not a fan of frogs and lizards but not everyone in shadowclan is.

and most of all, everyone in shadowclan treats her normally. no one cares that she's a prophecy cat. no one minds that she's slow to talk sometimes and she's kind of spacy. she's kind and she's a good hunter and a good tracker, which is a valuable skill considering their land can get pretty wet.

so yeah. dovewing and tigerheart are basically mates in all but name, and she wishes ivypool wasn't mad at her all the time, but she's happy for the first time in ages. they begin to discuss moving her to shadowclan after the battle. things are good.

section ten: dovewing III, the battle

so dovewing's job during the battle is not to listen all the way to the dark forest. that's stupid.

i'm not 100% sure what it is yet, tbh, but it definitely involves informing strategy. i'm thinking she basically opens her mind up to the terretory and jayfeather taps into her mind and communicates this to messengers and the like.

either way, she doesn't really care about it. or, well, it just gets erased from her mind because trauma. that's a better way of saying it.

section eleven: dovewing IV, dovewing's silence, bramblestar's storm, tigerheart's shadow

so this is past the scope of this au, but basically, dovewing gets "trapped" in thunderclan because of the storm and not being ready to move to shadowclan yet. she still does all of her screaming in the tunnels thing because as hard as her senses were to learn to manage, they were her's and she doesn't really know how to function without them.

i'm not sure who dies in the battle, but probably cloudtail. i'm way more attatched to brightheart. maybe they don't lose anyone. i don't know.

she leaves in tigerheart's shadow because she's got self-worth issues and forgot that shadowclan dgaf if she has prophecy powers. tigerheart also makes her feel a little unvalued by not following her. but from there, things go on as in canon.

dovewing? done.

[klonoadreams]

Been on a Villainess* kick, have some of my favorites (*not all are villainess but most are)(mostly manga not webtoons, sorry if that's a deal breaker)(wow, there was more than I was expecting, feel free to ignore!)

My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom!- if you're a fan of the genre you've probably already read/watched it but! I'll rec it anyway just in case

The Result Of Being Reincarnated Is Having A Master-Servant Relationship With The Yandere Love Interest- or that one where almost everybody is reincarnated and trying to stop the bad ends

The Villainess, Cecilia Silvie, Doesn't Want To Die, So She Decided To Cross-Dress!- er, exactly what it says on the tin

Fiancée’s Observation Log Of The Self-Proclaimed Villainess- good mostly outsider pov

Endo And Kobayashi’s Live Commentary On The Villainess- if you could change the story of a game (as the player), would you?

I Am Troubled That My Fiance Is A Villain- accidentally getting involved

The Reincarnated Villainess' Dark History- reincarnated in your middle school fanfic

The Villainess Is Adored By The Crown Prince Of The Neighboring Kingdom- very shoujo

Tearmoon Empire Story- no isekai, just trying not to die

Fiancee Be Chosen By The Ring- no isekai or reincarnation, just dorks in a panicked arranged engagement

I'm The Prince’s Consort Candidate However, I Believe I Can Certainly Surpass It!- magic arranged engagement

Middle-Aged Man's Noble Daughter Reincarnation- yes, if nothing else, read this comedy

OHH, I’ve read most of them actually!!! Y’all underestimate how much me and the guys in my server just INHALE these things.

We go at them carefully, cuz some of them tend to be a bit...YEAH.

There’s one where our MC ended up with black hair and dark skin (which isn’t really dark, she’s got a light olive tone at best in the cover art) because she can control darkness that made a LOT of people wary of her, when really, she’s just a nice kid... BUT UHHH, the implications about THAT.

And not helping, is that in the comments, there were some spoilers from the novel, that later on, she loses her dark skin, like...wtf?????? EVEN WORSE, THE WAY SHE’S TREATED IS CHANGED IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE OF IT (they treat her BETTER).

I just dropped it after that, I’m not even gonna bother with stuff like that. Idk what’s going on there, but I literally cannot deal with that shit cuz of the implications. (it’s called  I'm Not a Villainess!! Just Because I Can Control Darkness Doesn't Mean I'm a Bad Person!)

(literally the premise is so damaging, and like, I’m nowhere near pale, but I’m still on the lighter end of brown, so seeing that is just...it’s gross)

ANYWAYS, the Old man reincarnated as the villainess is AMAZING. Literally all started when the Zoids Mangaka was posting stuff on twitter about what HE wanted to see from an isekai like that.

I followed it pre serialization, and am currently following it now that it’s been serialized. Literally, old man KEEPS FUCKING RAISING FLAGS. BECAUSE HE’S BAD AT BEING MEAN. He’s just...A DAD. But also, really nice.

The Fiance’s Observation Log is also good!! Was following it when the LN was getting translated, and then immediately jumped to the manga adaptation when I saw it existed.

Same goes with our girl, Katarina in Destruction Flag Otome. And a lot of these, really. Eheheh, when I came across Destruction Flag Otome, I went on a BINGE on novel updates under the villainess tag.

Read the Yandere one, and I have another one to suggest, It Seems Like I Got Reincarnated Into the World of a Yandere Otome Game. Lycoris is our girl, and she’s doing her best to avoid getting killed, but like...ehehhee, the yanderes are still THERE, despite her meddling. It’s just that it turned into a softer yan, where everyone is just protective of her. It has some elements of horror and psychological stuff here, which is what makes it so interesting.

There’s May I Please Ask You Just One Last Thing? if you want some catharsis since our MC will beat the shit out of those who piss her off. The downside is that the guy interested in her is...really pissing me off, since he only likes her because everyone else bores him like. No. Just no. That’s not romantic.

If you want to use a premise like that, Fiance’s Observation Log does it better because it started off with him being a CHILD, and doing things cuz it was interesting...AND THEN HE GOT ATTACHED because of it.

The Daughter of the Albert House Wishes for Ruin is AMAZING, our MC wants to be a villainess because she has REASONS, but the problem is THAT SHE KEEPS COMING OFF AS A TSUNDERE. And the Heroine just accepts that, like “WOW!!!!”

Milady Just Wants To Relax is a good one if you want fluffy beast-kin getting treated nicely by our MC, who opens up a cafe after reaching her destruction flag. She’s having a nice time and the beast-kin have taken to protecting her. They try to stay in their human form, to keep her from feeling intimidated, when in reality, she likes their beast form. It’s just fluffy times here.

I have so many others to recommend, but I just suggest looking up the Villainess tag on mangadex.

THAT SAID, do keep an eye out for any red flags that pop up. Because you never know when you’ll come across another Abandoned Empress. Anyways, thanks for the recs!! Gonna read Tearmoon Empire Story!!

[geekkatsblog]

GREY'S ANATOMY 16X15 REVIEW

Wow, is the first thing that comes to mind with that episode, it's the first one I enjoyed so much in years. It wasn't like the old Grey's good, but I certainly enjoyed it. Now with that being said, onto the reviews.

The craziest ones first.

_________________________________________

Deluca

Oh boy, where do I start?........ Deluca ran out in a blizzard to have collect a liver WITHOUT GLOVES and ended up with frostbite. He is currently clearly having some mental issues and I hope that they're able to treat that soon before he's fired. Sure, he saved a kid's life and before that he saved Suzanne's life but what happens when his luck runs out? His hands are going to be out of commission for a while and I hope that he gets some help by then because something is definitely up with him and the way he's acting with the people around him is becoming harsh, which means the problem is getting worse.

_________________________________________

Meredith/Dr Haynes

Lumping them into one section seeing that were together for most of the night. Haynes is definitely enjoying having conversations with Meredith. In a way if they were to get together this would be the best way to do it. Too many relationships in Grey's start with sex first talk later and it worked for Meredith with Derek but it didn't for pretty much everyone else in the show, not everything is like the Mc Dreamy situation.

Must admit I enjoy the interactions but, I'm still not at shipper level yet. The bonding over their past spouses and raising kids ......☺☺☺. He had me going at first when he said Christina never mentioned Meredith, but turns out she just calls her the twisted sister, fair enough, I wouldn't be surprised if Christina had planned to set him up with Mer since the first time they spoke. On another note his passion for his patients is very admirable, hes not Alex Karev level yet. But I like him.

Meredith is trying with Deluca more than she did for Maggie when she was in her slump🤔🤨. She really has no plot right now, the show at this point might as well be called anatomy. She's trying to help Deluca, but only gets abuse in return, I really am praying that he is sick if not........😡🤬.

Then theres her and Haynes budding friendship. But that's pretty much all for Meredith.

_________________________________________

Jo and Alex

WTF, Alex better be dead or I'm going to be disappointed, he never even went to his mother's house and has been ghosting everyone......... excuse me what? I'm not seeing any proper valid excuse for the nonsense that is this plot. Why are they doing this? All of his progress is regressing. Next week is his final episode and it better have a valid explanation.

Jo is understandably a reck, I kind of enjoyed her sass though. I'm honestly confused. (Did he go after Izzie cause that would really be insane.) I understand they wanted to make it as painless as possible for Jo, but how is this better? She's heartbroken, they would have been better off if he'd died instead. I'm curious to know where the hell he is though.

But at least we got to see her have some support even if Link is a wreck as well.

_________________________________________

Teddy/Owen/Koracick

This story line definitely was the biggest WTF moment I was not expecting that from Teddy and more importantly the stupid Owen, Teddy, Koracick triangle starts again, but this time with a side of Amelia like OMG please stop🙄. Props to Teddy for being able to add up dates or having intuition or whatever her reason was for knowing. Although she could have discussed first instead of having pent up feelings that have now been released in the form of a huge mistake.

Poor Koracick at the end of the day Teddy and Owen will probably patch up the relationship and he'll be left once again heartbroken. I wish he had, had the strength to reject her. He's always the scape goat when her and Owen are having issues.

Owen, actually was being a good spouse and got cheated on but I guess Karma comes back around. He, just saved a baby and mom and asked Teddy If she wanted to ski for this episode. But I'm sure he's going to have a major storyline soon along with the others in this mess.

This love triangle just got even more complicated, especially if Amelia and Owen starts to catch feelings again.

_________________________________________

Richard

I'm actually perturbed by him tonight. Is he retiring? Better not be if he wants to stop preforming surgery, fair enough but he needs to be the intern director or something I can't have him leaving too after Karev, he can't give up too.

He found inspiration from a new intern. I thought she was going to be the new Dr Bailey for him. But nope she's not even a doctor. Her story was touching, but was she really going to cut into a patient with only barely having been in med school. How did she think that was going to work out? And poor Richard he was finally starting to get that teaching spark in his eyes again, only to find out she wasn't even a registered doctor. At the end he talked to her about never giving up, gives her his sethescop and says he no longer need it, like I said before they better not get rid of Richard as well, and where is Catherine? For someone who fought hard enough to buy a whole hospital for him to have to be around her, she sure is absent.

_________________________________________

Miranda Bailey

She spent the whole time helping Joey study for his GED and then took him on a tour of the hospital to see job options and it was just adorable, their banter is hilarious and is it me or is he going to be a surgeon. He was so interested in them saving the baby and the mom.

And as expected she has decided to adopt Joey however it happened like I didn't want it to..... really fast. So fast that she didn't even bother to inform her husband and I know Joey and Tuck were playing video games and getting along but does he understand that he's about to have a new brother?

I knew a Ben and Bailey fight was coming and I guess now it has (they've been too happy and no couple in Grey's stays happy for long. Luckily it seems like an easy fix.)

_________________________________________

Link

Link is ultimately depressed and it's sad because that means that he really did truly love Amelia,he should have taken some personal days as well because being depressed at work is never a good idea. I really hope that they aren't trying to set him up to be with Jo, I like their brother sister support system.

_________________________________________

Nico and Levi

Now I love my boy Levi, but sometimes I feel like being a surgeon is not for him. He fainted in the OR twice, cried when he had to give the patient bad news and then lost a patient, I hope he gets it together soon before he kills someone.

_________________________________________

Now as for his love life Idk what the hell happened. Nico took a 360 turn. Maybe he's bipolar as well, because I am lost. He's being such a douche, sure Levi's almost child like innocence and need to over share can be annoying at times but he deserves an explanation, he ditched his family for you because he pretended to be a fully open gay. The least he could do is give an explanation. Can't believe the way they're relationship is turning. I think this may be the beginning of the end for them. I hope not, they were good together.

_________________________________________

Jackson

Barely raised his head up from carrying on the work of Mark Sloan to fight with his new girlfriend Vic. Which I'm sure is not over they apologized but, that 2nd fight is coming soon.

_________________________________________

Maggie

No plot really besides being salty about no longer being chief, saving 2 lives, then confirming to Teddy that she's not crazy for thinking that Amelia's baby is Owen's and apparently giving her the courage she needed to cheat on Owen with Tom.

_________________________________________

Ending notes/ questions

• WHERE THE HELL IS ALEX?

• What's going to happen with the hot mess that is Teddy/Owen/Koracick/Amelia/Link.

• Is Deluca really mentally unstable and becoming like his dad? And is he going to be Ok?

• Is Richard retiring? (He better not be if his hand is shaking then fine stop surgery and teach instead, but you do not get to leave too Richard)

• Will Ben and Bailey come to agreement with adopting Joey? And will they agree to just him or adopt the others as well? (It seems strange that after the whole thing about having to keep them together they would just split them up and leave it like that.)

• What's going to happen with Meredith and her love triangle/not love triangle.

• Will they finally give Maggie's character something to do besides supporting people. She had like one or two 5 minute plot for like the past few seasons.

• What is wrong with Nico, he suddenly changed for the worst in 2.5 seconds and Idk where they're taking his character.

• Is Jo going to fall into the slump again like she did when she met her mother? I hope not. It's her time to shine now.

_________________________________________

Excited for next week's episode it's looking like Drama and emotions the whole episode. My favorite types.

[thewonderingsorceress]

Urgent PSA- Threads & Activity

Let’s have a talk about my semester and the next year, because I really need people to hear me and understand wtf is happening. I randomly set this to post so it’s not directed towards everyone. (With everything with RBG I thought it’d be a good time to try and explain what’s been going on with me and how it’s not going to get better until a few months from now.) If you need to contact em please feel free to IM me I am online right now and will be for a while. 

SCHOOL THINGS & Activity

As most of you know I am a ‘grad’ student. As some of you know that field is law, so I am a law student, and this is my last year of school. I was hoping to have some time to go between and gets some replies done during  class like I normally did BUT there’s a few things with that.

First you need to understand I have clinic, which is where I am working as an attorney for the semester to get my experiential credit required to graduate. This requires a minimum of 20 hours a week.  Law school is hard to say the least and I put a lot of time into it, clinic and pandemic learning though are 2 completely different monsters. So for clinic I have been working a 40 hour week PLUS being a full time student because my problem I am working on with my client is “novel and complex” to the clinic aka the clinic has never done anything like this and its super complicated even for my faculty advisor. I am literally in tears most days from the sheer amount of stress and my faculty advisor not wanting to help.

Then with pandemic learning I have teachers who do not want to teach, and are giving us the bulk of the work to teach ourselves and if we can’t we basically fail the class because we can’t answer questions in class (Zoom) because if we can’t answer the questions they will mark us as absent even when we’re not and fail us that way. My 2 credit class it also treating the class like a 4 credit class.

I have to take decent notes because I am working as a note taker for the extra cash.

I also found out I didn’t get the grade I needed for an exam by 2 points and have to retake it late October and study while moving and class things.

Now my school is also talking about being online in spring again, while trying to raise tuition because they are bankrupt. 

I also have to study for the bar this year and idk what my schedule will be like until after that is taken. 

Needless to say I stressed from school alone but there’s more.

Home Life & Moving

TW: abuse & suicidal ideation  in this section skip down to Roleplaying

So as some, though very few may know I live in a very abusive home. It is mostly mental and emotional but recently since the BLM movement becoming more active and the pandemic it’s become more physical because I don’t believe in anything my parents believe, and I am LGBQ+. So I took out money from my school and am moving in the middle of the semester when papers are due, exams are given and right before my retake. My mom is trying to keep my cat at home with her and saying its just as much hers as he is mine- I pay for everything though. So I am worried she’s going to call ASPCA on me bc I am “abusing” the cat by moving him with me.

My family has only gotten worse and I need out I am so gd tired and this quarantine has been for nothing bc people like my mom carry the virus and don’t wear a mas or anything. I have become suicidal over the past few months and struggle to just live every day- obv school has not helped with that.

Political

TW political things

I am in the US and at this point I am pretty positive that Trump is going to win just based off the trial run of McConnel’s voting day and what they are doing to try and suppress votes. This is terrifying for me and my friends for many reason. (and now with RBG gone, RIP, he will take over majority of the supreme court) and my parents literally think he is jesus christ incarnate so I am not safe where I am esp since my parents recently bought guns to “fight against the civil unrest” that’s all I am going to say about this but I am sure ppl understand how that is a lot.

ROLEPLAYING

Now why am I telling you all this when I’d rather yet myself off a roof than say anything.

a)      I still want to rp a lot, but that is very difficult right now. I am trying to save everything but my activity hasn’t been working.

b)     I would like to start some things on discord because that is what works best for me right now so if you’d like please let me know if you’d be willing to be discord things.

c)      There has been some passive aggressive comments about my activity and they aren’t appreciated and makes me want to be on here even less. Just stop. I don’t mind people asking about if I got a thread ( I appreciate it actually) or talking to me about things but when you say things like ‘oh you’ve posted for this person’ or alluded to that or something just stop. I don’t have the ability to be nice about this anymore I’ve gotten in on both of my accounts.

[mukamibabe]

How would the S and M brothers react to their s/o with anger problems breaking a mirror and hurting herself in the process ,and she end up crying

uhhh yea the boys aren’t very nice or supportive in this one so sorry about that.. um profanity tw,, ...mention of self injury tw??? abuse mention tw?? mean boys tw??? 

Sakamaki’s:

Shu:

• ????? are they 12????

• lol he’d honestly make fun of them- like.. did they really just do that??

• and …why are they crying after it?? you mess with a mirror,, you’re gonna get hurt ok that’s just how it works ksksksk

• he’ll clean up his s/o, but the mess? no,, his s/o can do that.

• he doesn’t even know what got them so upset but he really doesn’t care. if they do it again, that’s his s/o’s problem, not his. 

Reiji:

• ok well first of all, reiji doesn’t even know if he should punish them because they kinda just punished them self,, but.. are they serious??? 

• ok you know what, this type behavior isn’t going to be tolerated. this is his s/o, not his child.

• he’s going to make them pick everything up with their bare hands, and he’ll just sit and watch. 

• if they mess us? too bad, they caused this; next time don’t be so immature and learn how to control your anger.

• and of course, he’s not going to let their blood go to waste, so.. ouch?

Ayato:

• honestly he’s kind of shocked

• like.. the look on his face is probably very amusing but it’s not going to be funny when he starts yelling at them

• why the fuck would you do that??? 

• i mean- yeah he gets angry too but do you see him breaking the fucking mirrors?? no

• yeah he really doesn’t do anything but laugh after it; never will he stop teasing them and making fun of them for it. so like, the nest time you guys are near a mirror, he jokes around and is like ‘uh oh looks like i can’t get you too angry’ or like.. when they start to get pissed off, he’s going to trigger them even more and be like ‘what ??? u gonna break a mirror or something???’

Kanato:

• um... s/o better watch out because she’s probably going to get smacked or have something thrown at them

• HOW DUMB DO YOU HAVE TO BE IN ORDER TO BREAK THE MIRROR?? ?CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS YOU BITch fksdksk

• yea.. kanato does not feel bad at all. in fact, he might even just want to see them try and pick it up with their mouth or something

• like.. out of all of the people to do this around, kanato’s the worst. don’t ever break things around kanato- he’ll break your throat

• also he probably makes his s/o sleep on the floor or something because dON’T BREAK HIS DAMN MIRRORS KDSFJKSDJF

Laito:

• wow?? um.. lol he wasn’t excepting that but, okay! keep crying, this is a very good look on you, (y/n)

• especially if he was the one to make her so upset?? mmm.. he likes

• after that, he’d probably try to push their buttons even further, just dying to see what else they’d do

• he will help clean them up, though- and then he’ll offer to help take their mind off; both sexually,, or if they refuse, then he might take them outside and go for a walk or something

• lol but he’s just really driven by the fact that they got so upset, they broke a mirror- he jokes and tells them to stop acting like subaru-kun, but really.. please do continue; give him a reason to punish you or to make you feel better

Subaru: 

• ??? WOW

• he’s feeling a lot of different things right now. who or what caused you to be angry?? because he’s ready to fight- and if it was himself that caused it, omg.. expect him to feel really bad about himself; worse than usual

• also.. he kind of takes that as a sign that they’re very unstable, and that brings back a lot of memories for him so he’s going to be distant

• he’ll just yell at them and be like “wtf happened are you ok???” 

• he doesn’t even know what to do; like he wants to help but also.. they caused this.. so :/

Mukami’s:

Ruki: 

• will yell at them like he’s scolding a dog or something

• ok?? he gets it, you were angry but are you serious?? you don’t even know how to control your own feelings?

•“if you are going to act like a child, does that mean i must treat you like one, as well?” 

• yeah ruki isn’t going to handle this well. you’re cleaning this up, and you will be getting a punishment

• and it’s not going to be a uwu spank me- you’re probably going to be staying outside

Kou:

• ohoho just what do you think you’re doing, (y/n)?? 

• he’s actually very shocked, but he doesn’t show it at all. he’s as calm as ever, and his tone is so.. upbeat, it’s actually really scary

•“oh no, you broke the mirror? (y/n), that’s no good! well, you better get cleaning; unless you’d like to stay locked in here, and starve?” 

• also.. he’s going to throw them in the bath, or the shower because.. ‘oh, it looks like your bleeding! lets get you cleaned up.’

• ...if that’s not enough to get his s/o to at least attempt to control them self, then idk what is-

Yuma: 

• LOL

• he can’t do anything but laugh

• he’s really not mad about it, though- yeah it’s annoying that they made a mess and stuff but like..? so what; they’re going to pick it up, so it really doesn’t bother him

• kinda similar to ayato, he just.. teases them for it. all the time.

• but he’ll tell them to knock it off, and if they ever do anything like that again, he will punish them

Azusa:

• can you hurt me like that-

• skksdk he’s actually really impressed. he didn’t think his s/o would ever be able to do anything like that but.. he’s not complaining

• but now he’s got high expectations for them to hurt him, and even if they do, he expects to be treated just like that mirror

• his s/o will probably have to stop him from picking up the glass with his bare hands.. he has good intentions, he’s cleaning it up for you, but like.. he’s going to cut himself (which.. yeah he doesn’t mind) and make another bloody mess

• but hey!! he’s going to help his s/o feel better afterwards. maybe like a hug- also he offers to be their mirror punching bag in the future

[sofhyuck]

Greasy Baby

Genre: fluff, greaser!hyuck

Word Count: 2.4k

A/N this au stems from some enlightening conversations with @cinanamon who is graciously allowing me to use some of her ideas, this one’s for you bb ;))))

greaser!hyuck is...a lil shit to say the least

like ye he’s a handsome boi i mean,,,imagine him in a leather jacket,,,hair gelled back,,,yes pls

but he knows him and his group of bois (dreamies hello) are hot shit and he’s not afraid to show that he knows it

him and the dreamies are always seen cruising around town,,, harassing hollerin at the ladies from the inside of hyuck’s beat up mustang (is that a time period correct car??? idk and idc to look it up lol)

he never actually physically harasses anyone, it’s all fun and games (for them at least don’t accept cat calling kids men ain’t shit)

there’s just...nothing else really for them to do around town

the only forms of entertainment come from the drive in theater and the soda shop that all the kids hang out at after school

he attends his local university since him and the gang come from a small town and didn’t really care to leave or have the grades to go to a better school

and you...well you don’t really know why you decided to attend a university in such a dinky little town

maybe it’s because you wanted a change of pace from the city, and maybe it’s because it’s your mother’s alma mater and you spent a few of your summers there

but somehow you find yourself at the school

the only problem is,,,everyone who attends the school grew up in the dumb town,,,meaning everyone already knows each other and has their friend groups and cliques

leaving you to fend for yourself and kind of live as an outsider

sure you make acquaintances in your classes but,,,it’s hard for you to make solid friends when everyone else already knows everything about everyone else 

so you’ve been living your life on campus, smiling at the acquaintances you’ve made when you pass by them on the street, but you never really hang out with anyone after school

your sophomore year you got a job at the soda shop bc college ain’t cheap and they were hiring

surprisingly enough you made close friends through the job, your coworkers went to the same uni as you and the clientele were also in some of your classes

so you began to actually go out more (when you weren’t working obvi)

on day you were on campus walking to your next class and you saw one of said new friends

but while you were distracted with waving to them you bumped into someone and woop guess who????

you guessed it our boy hyuck with the rest of 00 line walking past

he was bouta pop off but then he sees it’s you the cute lil waitress from the soda shop that he’s lowkey seen around and been crushing on for a few months now

so when he sees you stuttering out an apology bc boi is brighter than the damn son and took your breath away

he just smirks and lets out a lil chuckle and just says ‘don’t worry about it sweetcheeks’ with a wink and then he’s off

you stand there for a moment in shock bc like obvi you know who he is even if you’ve only been around a few years who tf doesn’t know hyuck and co

and ofc your friends all saw and were like...b don’t even worry about it he just be like that sometimes ya know

and you’re like yea u right and forget about the whole encounter

but guess who doesn’t ohohoho it’s mister lee donghyuck himself he be thinking about it the rest of the day bc wow you’re even prettier up close huh

and the rest of dream are like...mmhmm ok mr. lee not sus at all we’re on. to. you.

so guess where hyuck ever so casually zooms off to after his classes are over????

oh boy you guessed it right off to the soda shop but oomph poor bb you’re not actually working that day and bb is sad :(((( meanwhile his boys are just laughing at him bc omg hyuck is so w hi p pe d

so now bb is going to the shop every moment he can until!!! finally!!! you’re working again god bless!!!

as soon as he sees you’re working baby sits bolt up right and starts fixing his slicked back hair that he had totally not been running his hands through out of nerves

the other boys weren’t there bc??? they have better places to be than at the soda shop for the 50000 time that day even though chenle and jisung had been there earlier just to laugh at him

but now holy shit you’re coming over and you look so cute in the dumb poodle skirt they make you wear as a uniform with your hair placed in a high ponytail

meanwhile you’re sw e a t i n g bc shit it’s hyuck and he’s still a handsome ass boy and you have to serve his table n ow f u c k

so you sidle on over and give him your usual spiel asking what he’d like to order n shit

and this boy omf remember when i said he was annoying?

well yea he fucking goes ‘are you on the menu bc I’d certainly like to have a piece of you’

and you’re like...boy tf oh my god i want to SLAP him 

but you grin through it like ha ha...funny ok...our specials for today are...

hyuck ain’t listening anymore bc he’s busy mentally kicking himself bc??? really hyuck??? you’re trying to make her like you wtf were you t h in k i ng

so he just points at some random thing on the menu, his head hanging in shame

and yea you’d think it was cute if he hadn’t just gotten on your damn nerves

but, alas, you have to continue serving the boy who had ordered literally just a fried egg but you know who were you to judge

he eats the egg rather quickly and then just...sits there...not doing anything...and you don’t know what to do like you can’t kick him out he did order something and it’s not particularly busy

meanwhile hyuck’s head is spinning trying to think of how to woo you after completely embarrassing himself earlier

after like an hour passes you head over to him, ready to ask him again if he wants anything else to eat 

but as soon as you get to him he jolts upright scaring the shit out of you and he’s like fuck sorry i didn’t mean to scare you 

and you’re like it’s fine now seriously do you want anything else-

but he cuts you off and suddenly...lee donghyuck?? is grabbing onto your hand??? and rapidly apologizing to you for being so Gross earlier

you gotta shake the boy off of you and honestly,,,he’s really endearing like aw he’s so embarrassed what a bb

when you get out of his grip you’re like bro it’s ok tbh i get much worse all the time

suddenlt hyuck is ready to f i g ht like who tf??? i will square up 

in your head you’re like,,,bitch ik you catcall don’t even try...but in reality you’re like mmmhmm sure ok you couldn’t hurt a damn fly

hyuck is angery now like wdym im tough >:( don’t you see my leather jacket and cool hair and car???

and you,,,oh you little reader pat lee donghyuck’s fUCkiNg head and now he is blushing oooooh

in a smol voice he asks for his check and leaves you a v generous tip despite your protests

and by that time his confidence seems to come back bc he winks and tells you he’ll be back

you giggle and give him a lil wave bc...wow lee donghyuck is just a cute shy lil bb hehe

and now hyuck is coming in every day,,,sometimes with his boys,,,sometimes alone but no matter what he’s always sure to, in a respectful manner, flirt with you and chat you up while dream just look on in amusement bc, again, hyuck is wh i p p e d

y’all just kinda...live like that for a few weeks but it’s v clear to e v er y body that there is shit going down between the two of you

like at this point hyuck’s hanging around campus with you too so like,,,everyone and their mother knows at this point bc,,,like i said earlier,,,everyone in this damn town knows everything about everyone

so ya’ll are stagnant, hyuck flirting, you laughing and sometimes flirting back

until one day ohhh boy there’s a new boul in town and he is not ashamed at all

and by that i mean he’s the biggest fucking asshole to ever step foot in the town, thinking he’s hot shit and everybody wants him when everyone hates his g u t s

and this boy has been hanging around the shop, livin his life, waiting for his moment to strike

but uh oh he made a mistake bc the first person he attempts to come on to...is you

and hyuck has been there bc he knows this guy has been hanging around and he wants to keep an eye on you his girl

it was a good thing too bc... this boul is going all out

tugging lightly at your skirt when you come to take his order while he uses the same cringy line hyuck used on you that first day

and hyuck knows you’re a big girl who can handle herself which you make very clear by firmly rejecting him with a smile plastered across your face

but...boy does not and will not let up

and you’re getting more and more frustrated and hyuck can tell esp when you keep throwing exasperated looks in his direction w the occasional eye roll

he would laugh but he’s too busy trying not to flip his shit

until boy fuckin just goes to grab your ass and you immediately move back, ready to reprimand him

but all thoughts are brushed aside when a loud crash sounds followed by heavy footsteps

hyucky had stood up so harshly that his chair had fallen over but he hadn’t even bothered to fix it bc he immediately stormed over to you, loosely wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you into his side 

he is m a d like you thought he couldn’t fight before but now he looks like he could rip a guys head off and you lowkey find it hot but that’s not what’s important right now

the guy is like oh woops sorry bro didn’t know she was taken but hyuck is not having it going off about how you shouldn’t treat anyone like that period no matter if they’re in a relationship or not

and yes hyuck and his friends had been the same way a few months before but meeting you changed his way of thinking and his friends as well

bc the idiots had never had any female acquaintances before but now they have you and you’re like a sister to them except for hyuck obvi bc he’s in looove

anyway back to the matter at hand i swear i keep going on tangents soz

you have to calm hyuck down before he actually punches this guy in the nose and the guy throws some money on the table before booking it out of there bc he’s high key scared rn lol puddy

your boss comes out and is like...y’all good? and you’re like uhhh yea mind if i talk to him for a minute? n he’s like ya sure whatever

so you pull hyuck over to a back room and you’re like,,,bro,,,wtf you good now??

but hyuck is on a roll now and just flat out says ‘i’ve liked you for a while now so will you do me the honor of being my gf?’

you ??? for a second before snapping himself out of it and you’re like ??? hell yea boi tf???

so now y’all are dating woo!!!

he makes sure to come to the shop whenever you’re working

at first he even would miss classes but you were not gonna have that oh no education comes first kids >:(((

and he was like ugh ok fine but he always managed to get other dreamies to be there when he couldn’t just so he knows you’re ok :(((

you get really close with the other dreamies tho so now you’re all one happy family

even when hyuck isn’t at your shift he makes sure to pick you up afterwards

waiting outside, leaning against his beat up mustang …leather jacket on…waiting for you to come out…and when you walk up to him he grabs you by the waist…pressing a chaste kiss to your forehead…before opening the door for you…driving off to who knows where…but neither of you care as long as you’re together…

sometimes you go to the drive in and cuddle up in the backseat making out for the duration of the movie hehe

you climb onto his lap and sometimes you can hear the people in the next car wooping and hyuck just gives them the finger before bringing his hand back to settle on the back of your thigh

ahem anyways enough of that

other times you just,,, drive around,,, windows down,,, blasting music and laughing,,, just living your life as two college students should hyuck’s hand resting on your thigh shhhh

you always stop at the same dingy diner that’s hidden away on some side road

(shout out to steph for this next part love you bb uwu)

and hyuck always rummages through his pockets  for change to buy you a drink, even when you say he doesn’t have to and you know he doesn’t always have the most money he says he wants to

trips to the diner are always followed by sunset drives where you have to remind him to watch the road bc  he finds it so much fun to smiles t you and try to kiss you while driving and you scold him that he’s going to die one day, him saying it’s better to live hard, die young

[morbidlittlebitch]

my family makes me feel like shit. so why do i even bother trying to speak to them? they treat me like i’m nothing so fine i’ll disappear where they won’t find me. they act cold and avoidant like i’ve always done something wrong yet they won’t tell me wtf i did. i wasn’t abused growing up but they never showed me affection physically or even with words. most of the time they acted like i wasn’t even there. the only time i was ever shown attention was when i did something wrong, or on birthdays and holidays.basically ever really shown negative or obligatory attention. never positive validation. i grew up never hearing the words “i’m proud of you”, “good job”, or “i love you”. nothing like that even though i did very well in school and for the most part i wasn’t a problem child that stayed out of trouble. i was always left to play alone in my own fantasyland. and growing up i thought that this was normal until i started making friends around the time of middle school and high school. i started to see how their parents would treat them and how they would tell them positive things and give them hugs and kisses.  my brother on the other hand was the golden child. whenever he did anything wrong i was always blamed for it, and whenever he lied they would always believe him over me. my parents got so angry when i started to develop and show signs of my mental illness (mine started around the same time that i hit puberty). they couldn’t understand WHY i was always sad. why i hated myself, why i was cutting myself and being suicidal. the most frustrating thing was that i couldn’t even understand why i was that way myself. and it wasn’t like i was trying to be that way. i didn’t want the attention...at least not in that way. so my parents would react very angrily. they would constantly ask me WHY i was crying or WHY i wanted to kill myself when i had a good childhood and they were such good parents who never abused me and provided food and shelter and everything that i needed. and i had no answer for them! most of the time i didn’t even know WHY i was crying, or wanting to die, or feeling the way that i was! i just knew that i was feeling that way and that it wouldn’t fucking go away. soon i started to spiral out of control, and my parents were the most abrasive and non-supportive people they could be. my mom got in my face and even told me that i was selfish and that all people who try to commit suicide are selfish because they are only thinking of themselves and not about what it would do to their family and loved ones. it made me feel awful but i still couldn’t help myself. but nowadays i wholeheartedly disagree with this belief that she had; and that most people have. i’m so sick of hearing people call suicide victims selfish. you have to understand that they are in such a dark spot mentally that they actually feel like a burden to their loved ones....and they actually BELIEVE their loved ones would be better off without them!  my dad also would get in my face and scream at me for crying and not providing him with a proper answer. they would shake me and scream and tell me to snap out of it. they would accuse me of just wanting attention even though for the most part i kept that shit to myself, but there were times i would lose control completely. i remember when i first got baker acted at the age of 16 for attempting suicide, and they also found out i had been cutting somewhere where no one would see. a therapist had pulled my parents into the room at a meeting and pretty much starting placing blame of them for being the way that i was. this upset me so much because i in no way felt that it was their fault at all! i also didn’t want to make my parents feel responsible or guilty and i didn’t want the whole situation between us to become worse. i remember my mom became so incredibly angry and outraged. ever since then she hated therapists and the whole mental health profession. my parents even years later would still refuse to acknowledge the fact i had a serious mental condition, even after all of the suicide attempts. they also didn’t take me seriously many of times, and also wouldn’t take me to the hospital several times when i needed to be, and honestly doctors are amazed that i even survived some of those times. i still don’t like the idea of placing blame on anyone for my mental condition. i also don’t believe in when people say things like “it was his fault i hurt myself because he made me feel bad”. i still believe that most of the time your actions are entirely your own decision ultimately. although with mental illnesses there are times your actions are out of your control i can admit, though you still have the conscious decision to fight them or not. my most recent therapist brought a good point up to my attention. i was telling her how frustrated it was growing up with my condition and about my relationship with my parents. she told me “there may have been some truth in what that therapist had said back then. i know you don’t want to place blame on your parents, but give this book a read and then tell me what you think.” she gave me this book to read and boyyy was it enlightening. basically, from birth until late childhood your brain is still forming, your psyche is still being programmed. most mental illnesses actually occur and develop later on in young adulthood and adulthood because of either your enviornmental/social/nuturing and emotional surroundings as a child, or due to early drug abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc. although my parents never abused me, this very cold and distant and nonloving upbringing had a major impact on my psyche. it also didn’t help that in my teens a drank alot of alcohol and experimented with a few mind-altering drugs. my low self esteem and feeling like i’m constantly worthless or constantly doing something wrong/everything wrong is because the only sort of validation and attention i received from my parents growing up was always negative and when i did something wrong. thus this belief was programmed into my brain and made me start to feel that way about myself in general.  i read so many interesting things in this book about psychology and mental illnesses, and honestly, i do now believe that my parents and my upbringing had a major role in my later formed major depression and social anxiety. i don’t really blame them but in a sense i can now feel a bit relieved to have an answer as to possibly why i developed my mental illness. it’s something that makes sense, and before i never had an answer. my life wasn’t perfect but my childhood wasn’t especially traumatic either. for the longest time i couldn’t understand why i got hit with this mental illnesses out of no where around puberty that has been a constant struggle for my whole life sense then. before i always thought that it could possibly be hereditary, as my grandmother on my dad’s side used to take anti depressants in the past. or that possibly it was a hormonal issue since started around the time that it did. but neither of these possibilities were ever very convincing for me.  anyway, recently i’ve been trying to contact my mother and she’s been flat out ignoring me. all of a sudden. in the last message i tried to send, i told her that i loved her and normally she will always say i love you back. but this time it was just a thumbs up. it really hurt. because everytime she starts acting this way towards me, it’s always because i did something to upset her. but she will never tell me what it is! so....tbh i give up. and learning all of this new information, i’m not even sure i want to try anymore with my family. i just feel bad because i would like to stay in contact with my dad since he did have a stroke recently. idk. i’ve always been like the odd one out of my family, and no matter how hard i’ve tried to be closer to them it just feels like they don’t even love me but put up with me because they feel that they have to. i’ve always felt like the one left out my whole life. i’ve pushed nearly all of my friends away too, i just can’t seem to form close bonds with people anymore. and i’ve gotten to the point that i don’t even want to anymore, either. guess i’ve got isolating bitch disease.

[chronic-confessions]

Confession #3,258

Part 1 - no support from family for boyfriend kind of

Ever since day one my parents never have supported me or thought I was “faking” my pain. I used to miss a ton of school because in the morning I would wake up and feel so nauseous and sometimes vomit, I would be so exhausted and still tired or wake up with headaches and be so tired throughout school id fall asleep in class, on the bus, and come home and sleep for five hours once I got home from school. They used to force me to go to school because I had to and the whole time they thought I was just faking it so stay home and sleep in. Then when my stomach problems started coming up my parents thought I was faking it again and complaining about my stomach to go to the doctors and get notes and excuses to miss school. Especially in the beginning when the doctors couldn’t find much wrong with me. Until they did an endoscopy and found gastritis and ulcers and eventually did a gastric emptying test and found I have gastroparesis. N guess what? The doctors diagnosed me with all of this shit in-front of my parents and even showed the pictures of the ulcer and gastritis in my stomach and my parents still think I’m faking it. 

They always tell me how if I “ate better I wouldn’t have any problems” or “ if you wouldn’t of had went vegetarian this wouldn’t of had happened to you” and all of this bullshit. It pisses me off so bad especially since now here I am 20 years old and still suffering from stomach problems having flare ups and now new symptoms where two of my doctors thinks I have some kind of autoimmune disease possibly multiple sclerosis. I sleep so much at least 10-13 hours a day and my boyfriend constantly calls me lazy to my face. I just don’t understand how people can be in the room with me while the doctors clearly is saying there’s something wrong with me and then they turn around and talk shit like they don’t know I have chronic illnesses. My boyfriend literally told me that in the future he’s not going to let me sleep in because I need to be productive and wake up early and cook breakfast and do all of this shit and I actually cried because wtf. I have a ton of anxiety my doctor thinks I’m depressed as well and having no support or anyone to talk to makes it completely worse. I can’t even have sex anymore because majority of the time I get these SEVERE cramps that make me want to vomit and my boyfriend has seen me collapse on the floor crying curled up in a ball in pain and then asks me to have sex again the next day. I stopped working and I know my boyfriend doesn’t like it because he says shit like “ it must be fun to sit around at home all day especially if you get approved for disability, shit lay around and get paid for it”. It makes me feel so bad especially since sometimes I have good days and sometimes I have terrible days. Especially when I have a flare up and I’m really sick for a week this is why I don’t want to get another job. It’s like when I’m sick my boyfriend takes care of me but then when I have a few days where I’m less sick and feeling OKAY to do things he’s like “ why don’t you get a part time job”. Idk like my boyfriend is better than my parents but he doesn’t get it. He has these severe chronic painful migraines and I’m so supportive of him and do everything I can to help him and he should understand how I feel because he misses a lot of school and work because of the migraines but yet when I used to stay home from work because I was nauseous and having abdominal pains he would sigh and just be like “ so you’re really not going to work today?” And just make me feel really bad. I especially can’t talk to my sister because she’s called me a “hypochondriac” multiple times even though she has fucking diabetes since she was like 6 years old she should understand too. I hate how my sister and boyfriend both think because they still push through work and school that I should just “suck it up” and try to live a normal life. Don’t even get me started with the shit people say to me when I mention I want to file for disability. My parents,friends, and boyfriend all say something along the lines of “ you’re fine just get a easy job” “ you don’t quality for disability you just ant to lay around all day” etc. it really breaks my heart and makes me feel so bad that I can’t talk to ANYBODY when I’m sick or feeling sad and want to vent. Something that kind of makes me mad if that my boyfriends mom has a virus that she is fine most of the time but sometimes gets really sick as has to go get blood transfusions and medications in the hospital and stuff and my boyfriends dad keeps her from working and everyone is all over helping her but yet when I have a flare up and having s lot of nausea and abdominal pains and all these other symptoms people tell me to take a tums and get up. Like I have a diagnosis of serious stuff too just because the doctors don’t ever want to keep me in the hospital doesn’t mean it’s not serious. If I’m being honest the times I go to the hospital for pain the doctors treat me like I’m looking for drugs or tell me that I’m “just constipated and drink some water”. Like the way everyone has been treating me has been bringing me down so much and there’s no way of escaping it. 

Part two: I don’t know why my health is so bad for more than half of my life

Ever since I was 9 I’ve been in pain starting with my periods. I was put on birth control and it’s helped a lot so that’s hardly one of my issues now. When I was around 13 that’s when my stomach problems started and now that I’m 20 years old two doctors think I have multiple sclerosis and I’m going to see a neurologist next month. It’s been really hard for me to deal with being in pain all the time since I was young but I feel like I’m almost accustomed to the pain that I don’t show it so much on the outside. Especially when it comes to my nausea I’m nauseous every single day and usually I don’t complain about it because I’ve been nauseous every day for years only when it gets really bad I’ll lay down or hunch over. At least every other day I get abdominal cramps or pains in my stomach or the urge to vomit. My stomach problems have lead to other issues like malnutrition and other stuff. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems that have been scaring me I’ve been getting a lot of numbness on anywhere on my body that pressure is applied. Even for less than a minute my body part won’t even get pins and needles feeling it’ll just go straight up NUMB like can’t move my fingers or my arm or leg feels really heavy shit even my butt goes numb when I’m sitting on a hard chair or if I lean over a table to grab something or do something for a few seconds my arm or hand will start to go numb. Even when I’m sleeping and I’m laying on top of my pinky it’ll go numb. I’ve been getting these shocks of pain in my left hand that make me drop stuff or even have to let go of the steering wheel when I’m driving. I have these lingering headaches mostly behind my eyes or like one side of my head. I have a lot of trouble sleeping and my vision isn’t blurry sometimes it’s hard to focus and I’ve been having these black specks in my vision and lastly I lose my breath really easily and my heart rate shots up for doing any little thing even just shampooing my hair I be breathing heavy and feeling my heart beat in my neck and chest like I feel like I’m going to pass out… and two of my doctors think it’s multiple sclerosis. I just don’t get why I can’t live a normal active life. I used to go kayaking on my good days and it used to make me soooo happy and relaxed even thought I’d be really fatigued from all of the movement kayaking in the springs was my passion and the only thing to completely take my mind off of how sick I felt. Now that I live in Texas and I’m almost having these neurological symptoms I don’t think I would even be able to go kayaking at all there’s no springs to go kayaking here anyways but and I just sit at home all day and feel depressed.

Part 3: worried about my future

I know I can’t go to school because I have a really hard time focusing,concentrating, or remembering things I would fail. In elementary school all the way through sophomore year of highschool( before I left to homeschooling because of my chronic illness) I’ve always had a really hard time with school with attendance and keeping up my grades. I’ve recently lost two jobs in a row because of my attendance because once again my chronic illness and I just worry what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I’m not going to college because I know I can’t handle it and I don’t want to go back to work because clearly I can’t hold a job and my doctor himself told me it might be best to not work to keep my stress down. I just feel so lazy but when I force myself to try and be productive and do things when my body doesn’t let me I end up getting sicker for longer and it’s really frustrating. I’ve already mentioned how my boyfriend told me how in our future he’s not going to let me lay around all day because he wants me to get up and do things which i understand I don’t want to put the burden on him for everything but it’s like my BODY WONT LET ME. my dad is fully disabled and he lays around all day and watches TV and sleeps all day and people don’t bother him but when I mention getting disability I’m just “lazy” and “fully capable of working but just don’t want to” I just really don’t know.

Part 4: losing my job recently and wanting to get disability

So in November I started a receptionist job. I specifically applied for this job because I figured it would be low stress and I would be able to sit and basically have it accommodate with my illnesses. Well I was wrong because that job had me stressed out every. Single. Day whether it was rude clients, my rude and condescending co workers, having to wake up at 4-6am depending on the shift, constantly being called in on my days off, having to get up and run around the building looking for stuff for a client or one of the doctors, etc. every day I would come home pissed off and complain to my boyfriend and the almost three months I worked there I had probably around four panic attacks at work because of the situations and stress I was put under. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems on top of gastroparesis flare ups and before my 90 days I missed three weeks of work whether it was because I was sick and couldn’t make it to work or had a doctors appointment, in the hospital etc. Nobody ever wanted to switch shifts with me so I always just had to miss work and I brought a doctors note for every day I missed. Right before my 90 days ended they let me go which is kind of a relief but now I have no money coming in and bills to pay. I’m thinking about applying for disability but I’m waiting to get my possible multiple sclerosis diagnosed before I start going through the process. My last job was working as a technician in an animal hospital and it was wayyy too stressful and active for me a dog pulled me so hard my wrist and back were fucked up and I had to miss work for four days and go to the doctors and chiropractors. I had to lift up dogs that weighed up to 50/60 pounds and that also fucked up my back on two occasions because I’m really skinny and when I try to lift with my legs they shake and give out. I would be bruised up from restraining dogs and they barely bump into me and I get a painful red and purple bruise. I’m too “fragile” to handle the naughty big dogs that would pull me to hard and then once again rude co workers and rude clients that gave me a ton of anxiety and stress. My doctor told me himself I should leave that job and that’s when I went for the receptionist job and it was just as bad. I mostly want to get disability because I feel like I’m not reliable to keep a job with doctors appointments and flare ups that I have and I feel like at the reception job I couldn’t handle the easiest of shit my memory is so terrible I got in trouble for fucking up a handful of situations and was actually called “dumb” by a co worker. Not to mention the stress of having to somewhat argue with my boss that I can’t come to work on so many days because I’m going to the doctors or calling out because I feel so sick and having to tell them I’m going to the doctor tomorrow so I can’t come in or I’m in the emergency room and been here for nine hours and it’s already 2am and still here I won’t be able to come to work tomorrow etc. So yeah idk we will see but there’s no way I’m putting myself back in that situation. Now that I get to lay down and relax and a majority of stress is cut from my life I’ve been feeling better but still not by any means I’m completely fine I’m still sick everyday but the stress was making me way sicker.

[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: can we chat? Rio: 'Course we can Indie: you still mad tho? Rio: No Rio: Serious Indie: me either Indie: my heart b heavy but not w that Rio: What's wrong, babe? Indie: all things Indie: its bad here Rio: How bad? Indie: dred like i dont wanna drag you back in but i cant cope w it Rio: Don't worry about me Rio: I'll have to sort some stuff here but how soon do you need me back Rio: and what can I do 'til then, like Indie: let me be w you i wont 2s mckenna or no thing Indie: but i gotta be out Indie: theres too many fucking situations Rio: alright Rio: of course Rio: i'll sort the uber now, where am I sending it Rio: is it the things i know or has something else, or multiple something else's happened? Indie: [sends random ass location because honestly where the fuck she wanna be rn] Indie: theres more and worse Indie: how you want it? Rio: First tell me you're safe Rio: then tell me however's easiest for you Indie: I'm proper high rn are they gonna let me come to london? Rio: Yeah, obviously don't bring anything but if it's gone it's gone Rio: You'll be fine Indie: safe Indie: i got none left to bring Indie: it been like that Rio: Damn Rio: Say no more, but do Indie: i get why my ma werent trying to do nothing but this Indie: cept its there still when you come thru Rio: That's the problem Indie: cant keep it goin innit cant keep no thing goin Indie: cant keep drew from wildin acting like a younger bringin feds to my door and my boy on my back cos hes fave target Indie: neither chatting to me like i done this Indie: did i? idk Rio: Nah, you didn't Rio: I can't even expand on it because just no, how could it be you Indie: thats how the boy treating me like i livin for the drama Indie: but the feds want drew in the pen & thats how he want it cos theres nothing left for him to fuck up in these ends Indie: i cant stop it none Rio: That ain't you though Rio: and who would be about this shit, it's the worst Rio: As for Drew Rio: I'm sorry Rio: We've been here before, there's no talking to him when he's in that space Rio: and that isn't on you Indie: every day we on this he be spitting angry at me throwing shit around but acting like im the one creating Indie: its too hard Indie: and yeah then theres drew back on his bullshit Indie: w the only apology yours to hold cos he aint offering Indie: i want him gone & i put that out into the universe so mayb i did it Indie: this is proper gone tho & that baby gonna be born soon Rio: Oh babe Rio: He don't know you like that, he shouldn't be treating you like that, standard Rio: even if you were the biggest drama queen in the world but you ain't and he got you so fucked up on that Rio: Nah, he's doing it all himself, even if you thought you wanted it or still do if not this way Rio: you can't make him do the dirt he do, or make him not Rio: The baby will be good, it'll have it's Ma and Bea is staying with her still and everyone else, you know it'll be okay Rio: what about you though baby Indie: how i let him chat to me that way? who am i rn? wtf Indie: i just want our yard back and you back and things to be what they were Indie: but its not Indie: cos even if we there what kinda ma she trying to be for real? im spinning out but like where in the universe is she @ Indie: & none of this is gonna hurt you most Indie: thats the last thing i aint chatted Rio: We've all put up with shit we shouldn't have Rio: 'cos we thought it'd pay off Rio: You ain't alone in that, nor does it make you less you even if it makes you feel less altogether Rio: I can try to talk to Drew, about the flat, idk if I can make that happen but if he goes jail he loses his lease, he only kept it in the past 'cos his boss' would pay it if he dealt inside, like but he ain't got the clout he used to have Rio: accept it or nah, no doubt we could chat about me taking it on if it comes to that but i ain't making promises Rio: I know but, you gotta trust we will all be there for damage control Rio: we're all alright ish, yeah? Rio: Go ahead, babe, I can handle it Indie: i got caught up cos i wanted someone to be for me & about me one time & everyone else has somewhere to lean Indie: you and mckenna being goals in my face Indie: everything else was a mess but i just added Indie: and now she has Indie: cos what i gotta tell you is bills told me edie be gone Indie: hardcore packed up and run out Rio: i know there's nothing i can say to make you feel less shit about it but i swear to you babe, we've all been there Rio: you know i have Rio: it doesn't make it better for you but it ain't your fuckup, it's one we all go through to grow through, yeah? no bullshit Rio: she did talk to buster but Rio: i didn't think it'd be anything more than normal Rio: i'll tell ma Indie: i reckoned bills was gonna cry she was carrying that much worry Indie: i aint no what to tell her Rio: I'll talk to her too Rio: I don't know what I'll say but Rio: it'll be alright, we can sort this Indie: i been swerving dem all hard as you Indie: more than she got detention for how hard she was trying to hit me up she said Indie: doing everyone the dirtiest ever why i gotta leave Rio: I can't blame you Rio: This shit is hard Rio: and painful Rio: I'm sorry I left you alone Indie: he aint try and fuck me i got no excuses Indie: [sends selfie] am I 😢 I can't feel it so what you seeing? Indie: not trying to be out here in the wild 💔😭 Rio: Baby calm down okay, you're good Rio: Your flight is booked and the uber is en-route Rio: I sent all your deets to you, all you gotta do is get here Rio: we're gonna sort all this okay and the shit we can't we gonna make bearable at least Indie: i dont have anything tho cant b living in mckennas garms after the last Indie: he gon b mad enough im rolling up likely Rio: No he won't Rio: I got plenty of shit you can borrow don't stress on that Rio: Nance has got a mental wardrobe here too Indie: o yeah other mckenna Indie: always sleeping on her living there too Indie: she aint but she do Rio: Exactly, I've had to borrow her bed loads of times before and you know they living that en-suite life Rio: you can stay for as long as you need Indie: innit what school gon do put drew in prison? 😂 Rio: Tbh Rio: In the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter rn, soz teachers Indie: ill screenshot them words like my ma says Rio: I missed you Indie: safe cos imma be in your face soon Rio: wish it was under better circumstances, like Rio: but we'll get there Indie: @ the age to have a breakdown once a wk soz bout it 😂 Rio: that i can handle Rio: nothing that a pint of ben & jerry's and some chill time can't Indie: warn mckenna to lock up his squad & we all good Rio: 😏 Will do Rio: he's not really rolling with them rn so temptation should be outta the way Indie: 😍💍 be like Indie: i feel it Rio: Erm I ain't that hoe 😣😂 Indie: theres how you say & how you do bitch 😏💘😂 Indie: 👀 you from the front row in a few Rio: 🙄😔 am I really that bad Indie: nah nah Indie: mckenna be amp as Indie: its a good link Rio: Yeah but I mean Rio: do you feel like I've been ignoring you Rio: pre you know, that bullshit Indie: allow it babe Indie: you never done nobody that way Rio: Promise Rio: 'cos that ever what I was trying to be Indie: you always on the clock & your game Indie: trust Rio: Alright, 'nuff about me Rio: is there anything else you need, either now or for when you get here? Indie: gon need to grab my shit while 👻ing this boy Indie: standard juggle Indie: if hes been holding that long & not dashed it out ill break in Rio: You're gonna take some mates with you, yeah? Indie: bitch please i dont need the lads knoing my business that hard Rio: is it a good idea tho, even if he got his own van u kno they all got each other's backs, like Rio: be careful, all i'm saying Indie: they aint gonna call the feds on me man Indie: ill leave it til im back need a clearer head than this for a lock pick Rio: Yeah, don't worry 'bout it now Rio: anything replaceable we can sort now Indie: im not tryin to lose my head over things rn Indie: if imma be in london i got what i need Rio: That's the main thing Rio: and I ain't gonna come at you with 20 questions either, like Rio: space can include from me, just lemme know what you're feeling Indie: i been had enough space from you girl Indie: i miss you Rio: was hoping you'd say that Indie: i love you more than Indie: thats the mood Rio: i love you too Rio: no outs Indie: dont lets lose each other again Indie: 💖💖 Rio: never 🧡 Indie: how long this uber tryna be im 😫😫😫 Indie: imma b sleepin on this wall like i kicking it nursery rhyme vibes Rio: it's saying it's nearly there on the app Rio: if you gonna crash at the airport make sure you near the gate tho Indie: safe Indie: o sick idea Indie: the plane not trying to be up long enough for that shit tho innit Rio: legit its as quick as the bus into town like Rio: be here in no time Indie: its a madness Rio: yeah, see, it's not that far really Indie: feels like Indie: but mayb thats just how i want it so i can 👻 this town harder than afore Rio: it's far enough for that Rio: ain't letting drew out the country are they Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: not less they start deporting crooks old school like when 🐨 country just one big pen Rio: He wishes Rio: always got his top off like we living that life here Indie: fr like he needs a tan to appear more peng nah nah Rio: if we wanna get a new wifey Rio: least if she out there we unlikely to be related to her so go off Indie: true true Indie: unless he tryna head to spain for my nan we all good Rio: 😬 Rio: yikes, not a mental image we need Indie: idk i hear she keeps things tight & fresh Indie: hes done worse Rio: Stop 😩 Rio: 'less you gonna bring me one of them sick bags Indie: get you a straw donkey when he drag me out there for the 💒 Indie: i got you Rio: when u don't wanna be nan but u down to be ma Indie: least she too old to put a 👶 in Indie: & it aint like being down to be ma is top of his list for how he want his wifeys Indie: that ones just for you like Indie: ro not trying to mother me no mind the one she growing rn Rio: Fair Rio: Willing to put up with his shit and mother him is clearly more vital Rio: 'low it with the mommy issues like he's the only one going without Rio: twat Indie: o snap Indie: just cos yours aint want you boy dont mean you gotta kill mine tho Rio: o snapped too soon Rio: but he ain't get snapped on enough for that Indie: when he offering you dem same goodies ☠ Indie: thanks dad Indie: you a real one Rio: waste Rio: he's so fucked Indie: i was 👍 Indie: down & out Indie: what that make me? Rio: you a kid Rio: not chatting down to you, but you allowed to be is what I mean Rio: he's grown and he caused your shit, he should know and do better so you could Rio: literally his job Indie: idc now if he show up for astrid thatd do man Indie: grown past him still Rio: Yeah Rio: we'll have to wait n see if he can be arsed to prove himself Rio: idk if he's been allowed near since you know Indie: not from what ive 👂 Indie: coulda changed since he stopped chatting at me tho Indie: or he coulda just been chattin it so it dont look his fault he swervin Rio: wouldn't blame them from keeping him away rn, your hormones are fucked and she's never had much sense when it came to him Rio: but i don't know if it's a forever deal or what Indie: i can see her lawin it cos he burned her so hard w this Indie: proper owned Indie: she aint tryin to let you come thru & you fam so Rio: well you know Indie: cant call her out that hard when it aint that different from how my ma tryin to be when Indie: they all 🤡 for him Rio: yeah Rio: i don't get it Rio: whatever, he's good looking Indie: so your da he aint a wasteman w it Rio: it's easier to be treated like shit sometimes though than accept the love init Indie: call out 🔫 at me bitch Rio: not what i was going for Rio: just saying he ain't special with it, we all do it Indie: 👀 you Rio: 😏 shh Indie: 😂 Rio: neway Rio: he's out, yeah? Indie: innit Rio: 👍 Indie: how you livin Indie: gimme dat 411 Rio: yeah good tbh, the place where i work is cool Rio: i'm just doing promo stuff 'cos i don't wanna get too into anything obvs but it's fun, not dry like the angel was getting Indie: sick! they gonna let me in or ⛔ Rio: see what i can do Rio: sure we get u made up no one gonna be too amp Indie: dont 🤡 me Indie: keep it 💋 Rio: oi don't be doubting my skillz Rio: you ever seen me out like that 😂 rude Indie: doubtin my ability to carry all that Indie: you ever seen me in 👠 bitch Rio: you don't need 'em when you out with me Rio: only just be touching your height in mine so Indie: 😂😂😂 Rio: 😣 be looking stupid short 'round here Indie: you will stand w mckenna Rio: what i'm sayin Indie: 😍 gotta travel far 💖💖 baby Indie: good thing he extra too Rio: 😂 Indie: hows the love Rio: I don't wanna be extra about it at you Rio: but it is good Rio: and no one totally flipped shit on it so Indie: im not that 💔💔💔 you cant speak on it Indie: boy dont get to do me dirty and keep me pining long Rio: That's my girl Rio: 💪 Indie: throw shit @ me again he gon catch these hands Rio: serious, what a cunt Rio: he ain't gonna have the chance Indie: do me a solid & dont tell the fam yeah? your ma only just calmin after wanting to merk drew Rio: 'course Rio: you got it handled Rio: they don't need to know every little thing Indie: i did nearly run there the other thinkin i was gonna be baby'd up same time as my step ma near Indie: but nah 🍀 Rio: remind me to take you drs yeah Rio: 😰 Indie: its chill i not letting any lads near me in the 24 or out of Rio: still, with your memory, i don't think the pill is the one we'll get you the implant maybe Rio: or the coil, they last time Indie: sexy Indie: he was wrapped but it got fucked up idk was wild Indie: get them posho london drs to sort me 😂😂😂 Rio: nah you wanna be the one in control of that shit babe trust Indie: 👑👑👑 Indie: i feel that Rio: boys be mad dumb that shit could be old or ripped there's no telling Indie: fr 😒😒🙄🙄 Indie: he only got a year on me too idc how many girls he tryna chat he been w he dont kno that much Rio: You can defs take off at least 20% of whatever he chatting Rio: Trust Indie: serious? Rio: Probably Rio: or think about how many of them were like Rio: 5 minute fumbles at parties and shit Rio: doesn't really do much for your game even if its a numbers booster Indie: tell me mckennas i wont say shit to him swear down Rio: 😂 i would but idk Rio: i ain't asked Indie: girl WHAT Indie: bitch imma do it for you Indie: we taking off like 90% for him 'cause how he like to chat or nah? Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: I can imagine like, I don't need confirmation Rio: Poor baby 😂 Indie: do he kno your numbers? Rio: Nope Rio: 'less he tryna keep track like that which I doubt lmao Indie: its jam we can keep em on 🔒 Rio: Idc I'd tell you Rio: but he ain't wanna know trust Indie: boy too jel Indie: how they all be Rio: you know Indie: drew be tellin me how to do w my body like he something to me so we can let mckenna stand Rio: yeah that's a whole nother thing Rio: that ain't cute or wanted Indie: he aint 😂😂😂 Rio: truth hurts 😂 Indie: innit tho Rio: ur uber says its there so pull up Indie: i be waving to someone Indie: gotta b Rio: kinda excited even though it's cos everything is shit Indie: it me you gotta be hype 💖💖💖 Rio: That's alright then 😘 Indie: what mckenna say bout it? Rio: He's cool, gonna talk to his Dad so we don't have to Rio: getting food too to show he can, like Indie: trying to flex o boy Rio: ever since you dissed him Rio: gotta get good Indie: he need be told 👌 Indie: bring 🍔 🍕🍟 any of Indie: it aint hard if you smart Rio: idk if he taking orders but i'll let him know 😏 Indie: hit him w a screenshot and add 🥊 or 💪 Indie: 💍💍💍 life be like Rio: You have no idea babe Rio: getting it from both of yous again now 😜 Indie: is it? he wearin the 👖 thats how you 😍😍 Indie: i been knew Indie: 💘💘💘 Rio: Shut up 😩 Rio: That just how it be in the bedroom don't get it twisted Indie: 😏😏 when he such a daddy you let him wear the 👑 out 😏😏😏 Rio: yeah you lucky you still a flight away Rio: 🥊 'fore 💋 forreal Indie: 😂😂😂😂

[systmgltchs]

sYsTm gBbRsH: letting go

I don't know exactly how to start. Gah. The last few days of the 2018 had been very exhausting and enlightening to me. Thus, the struggle to write about this. Fuck.

Over the past few years, I've been starting to let go a lot of things in my life. I've let go of a lover, abusive and toxic friends, toxic relatives, bad habits, pets I really loved, ambitions, and a few more things. Although every goodbye crushed me completely, I came to learn that clearing up real estate in my life has been very freeing and shed some light on who I really am and who I really want to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a coward when it comes to letting go, but each time I run away or get left behind, I become braver walking this world alone. Everytime it's the same: you're gonna have to struggle at the beginning, but as time runs its course, you get used to it and you get stronger.

Which is why this time, I am ready to let go a decade of friendship with someone. And also limiting my energy and emotional efforts to a few others. Let me tell you how I got to this point.

I'm well-aware of her quirks since we've known each other for a long time. She's smart, eloquent, outgoing, fun, charming, and a goofball. I also know her bad parts, she's a bully, high-maintenance friend, sensitive Piscean, and a social climber. For years, I loved her for and despite all these things.

However, things changed since December 2017 at our circle's year-end party. I was then broke, tiny bit depressed, delayed in college, and still recovering from a breakup and my encounter with an abusive friend. My circle was one of the only best things left in my life so I really was excited about the trip. However, I had financial problems, and she came to the rescue. Treated me. I was grateful. And so we went.

It was all fun at first, but that didn't last long. Before we left our house after a whole night of preparations and shenanigans, I already feel something is off. But of course, being grateful for the treat and the excitement, I disregarded my hunches. I still gave in to the fun.

And so we go to the end of the road. I was bullied. The worst bullying I've ever experienced so far. Every damn time I open my mouth or try to help with the food and other stuff, she and my other friend either pokes fun at me or completely dismisses me. I was really upset. I don't know what I did to deserve this treatment. They thought it's fun. They thought it's no big deal since I am the introvert of the group and perhaps, the most submissive type. And the worse part is, since I was treated for the trip, I think it would be ungrateful for me to call them out or walk out. God, I don't even have the money to go home. So I just kept my mouth shut. I was silent. It was getting hard to hide my anger and frustration.

So to cope, I smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Whenever my hands are empty, I smoke. And they hated it deep down. Well, not all of them, but I'm sure she does. And so my lighter got lost. I'm sure she had it. Kept it. At first, I had no idea where it fucking was the next morning. I even asked the boys to find it with me. Nothing. I had a hunch that she took it because she have shown hate for my smoking the most explicitly among my friends. Hell, I don't even smoke at their faces. I usually smoke far away. But of course, I didn't jump into conclusions. Until, she pulled a move in the most foolish fashion. She handed me my lighter and told me she found it at the place where we scanned the most and has the least mess in our area. Total bullshit. So I took it. I was really upset. Smoking is a coping mechanism for me. Fuck. This is the only thing that kept me sane not only the entire trip but also to my crumbling life and she took it away from me. I was so angry. But yeah, got to keep it together. I've been more silent than ever. But I have already shown irritation.

I was so tired after the entire trip. I was also blind on the way home because the frame of my glasses broke. What a lucky bastard I am! I stopped talking to them for days. Didn't even bother to postprocess and upload the photos early. Because wtf, all that trip has given me is trauma. I've been friends with them for years, and I've never experienced such disrespect. The only good thing I can only think of from that trip is my self-control. Glad I didn't snap because my anger is so explosive it can immediately burn bridges. And I think theirs too.

I can never forget that experience. But because our friendship is strongly bonded and run by our yearly reunions and our colorful high school life, I chose to cool down and repressed that memory a little. So I uploaded the photos, laughed, and went on like before. But I know it's never going to be the same. As much as I want to forget, that's not me.

Fastforward a few months. We had another gathering. Unfortunately, I came early, and guess what, she's also an earlybird. So of course, the obligated small talk. Then suddenly, she changed the topic to the trip. She told me she was aware of what she did to me and she really was sorry. Hell, creepily, she even mentioned one of my Facebook posts that enlightened her to the incident. Ugh. The worst thing you can do to me is make me feel I'm being watched. Of course, as a delicate soul, I focused on her apology. God, I was almost in tears, but I tried hard not to cry. And so, rainbows and butterflies again. Or so we thought.

More months followed and we still had our reunions just like before. I tried to forget all the trauma and stuff but I can't. I also keep noticing that she's struggling to hide her inner bully. She was more calculated to me this time, but I can see a fluke. I realized that there's no going back to that trip on the fateful day of December 30th year 2017. I'm never getting any closer. And as much as I want her not to notice, I can't. I'm no liar. But not giving her a lot of evidences for conclusion that I absolutely am uninterested in being her friend anymore. Just going with the flow for the sake of the rest of our friends and the yearly tradition.

Despite this, a part of me still wants to try. Since we're getting older and mature, I had hopes that she might have changed her ways. Also, there was a lot of time we spent not talking or meeting each other since we've been really busy, so in the meantime, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

And guess what. I was wrong. Changed? Mature? Bitch, she's been slipping behind my back! A few months ago, my friends opened up to me about her. I was blown away. How changed she indeed is. My friend who is a board exam topnotcher told me that he was told by her to ditch the university he went to in his resume. Mainly because, the university doesn't belong to the biggest universities in the country. What the actual fuck. That university was integral to my friend's academic achievements and to all of us since we also went there in high school. That is also the place where our friendship blossomed. And just like that, just because it's not at par with the popular universities, she got the nerve to disrespect my friend's education, well, ours too.

But perhaps you're wondering, how did she get the nerve? Well, because she went to college in one of the most expensive universities in the province which is also very popular to be the home of the upper class or financially-privileged students. She lived amongst the richest kids, even got a boyfriend. And as much as I hate it to happen, it got in her head. Back in highschool, she was already arrogant and a total bragger (idk if it's a word), imagine what she has become now.

Intolerable. She keeps rubbing in our faces her lavish lifestyle and her rich boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with sharing our successes and breakthroughs in life, but she just can't stop bragging to the point that others' achievements get invalidated or get disregarded. Every opportunity she gets, she brags, and sometimes, we don't even know if they're facts. Sometimes, she brags even if it's unnecessary or does not contribute at all to the conversation. It is getting annoying and even some of my friends agree.

But the worst thing that completely threw me off happened on another December 30th, this time, 2018. She disrespected one of our friends. Now this may completely sound nonsense to them or some, but it really spoke volumes to me as I was talked about the same way in the past by my toxic aunt. She talked about my friend's body correlating to her current romantic relationship and was implying hate on my friend's hesitance on talking about sex. My friend was not around then. God, the disrespect. She was also making a controversy out of our friend's social media posts. What a creep. She haven't even felt bad or sad about her not attending the sleepover. Insensitive.

After that night which is now one of the worsts for me so far, I've never felt more exhausted in my life in a long time. I was so annoyed and disappointed not just on her, but my other friend who joined her in talking shit about our other friend. God. Instead of hitching a ride in her boyfriend's car, I chose to leave early and walk home. Our house was near anyways and I just want silence after a night of useless conversations filled with lust, desperation, and an overwhelming amount of bragging.

That day, I decided to let go. Even if we shared a decade of friendship, I'm very much willing to leave it in the past. This is no longer working and will no longer work. And I hate forcing things because we'll only get even more hurt and carry a heavier baggage in the future. So before some explosive fighting match happens, I am leaving it all.

Also, I can never forgive the trauma she and my other friend gave me. I don't think they're sorry at all. Why? Because they still do it to me. I can feel in my spine how they look down on me. I just feel small around them. But more importantly, I really feel bad for my other friends when they treat them with disrespect or insensitivity. They are so full of themselves that they refuse to see how the others are doing, feeling, their welfare, and their progress. Do you see that as friendship? I don't think so.

I think I've had enough of them already. Thinking about it, I never needed them. None of them ever went the distance to do me a huge favor nor our other friends. And after all those years of keeping them company and making their lives colorful, what ungratefulness they've shown not just to me, but to our other friends.

So.

Goodbye.

[violenceeisgolden]

Tmi/tw/an update

Had such strong cravings for alcohol/such strong urges to say "fuck my health, I'm already fucked, lets fucking lose all this weight you gained in recovery, buy some adderall and vodka and allllll the opiates in the world and at least enjoy however many shitty yrs you have left" except like ???? Okay, so my private insta kept !! Getting !! Fucking deleted !! Idk why, like yeahh i bitch about my drug problems and my mental illness but i have never shared a triggering picture? Meanwhile all these accts with people fkn shooting up are still up? Huh what a concept So anyway, i was thinking of making a side blog. Or i could just vent on here i guess but posting on my side blogs sounds safer. Damn. Been out of the Tumblr world for a while now. Anyway, since it's quite clear that I don't care about a fkn thing anymore... lemme give you all a lil update on the joke that is my life. This one's gonna be EPIC. So. Uh. First things first... I made it five days without any form of any opiate in my system. I did not eat anything in those 5 days. (Wanna lose weight?! Just get addicted to painkillers and develop crohns, then quit your painkillers cold turkey!!! You'll drop 10 lbs in a week!) I did not keep many fluids down, aside from the days when i was in the hospital. I was shitting and puking blood by the fourth day, because my body had nothing left in it to get out. I still smell like the stench of withdrawal - aka, overpowering body odor, desperation, sadness, guilt... etc. On the fourth day, my "stool" was nothing but black and blood.. I knew my potassium was low, not including sodium, etc. Was starting to get chest pains. Blah blah blah. IST was acting up. Whatever. I knew I had no choice but to go to my shitty hometown clinic (and... yeah i hate NOTHING more than that fucking place). Luckily, I got this cool 1st shift dr who appreciated my extensive knowledge of my esophageal and colonic conditions. She also gave me morphine. But I mean, 4mg through an IV is like... nothing. But.. that fucking rush. Whenever I get IV narcotics in hospitals, it's a nice reminder for me to forever stay tf away from needles. Anywhoooo Moving along. So i got some fluids/potassium, two of my veins are dead now (not even bc of drug use, as i stated above.. legitimately because I've had one too many IVs placed or wtf ever) so they had to stick me a million and one times and i was like :))))) yeahhhh keep causing more pain guys because ya know. I can just fucking take it obviously!!! And then.. this bitch drops the bomb that i realllyyyyy have been hoping was NOT true for like... ya know... a fucking year... that... okay fuck it, you guys all know i am a shit person anyway, lets add onto it.. anyway yeah. I have herpes. And my HPV is progressing. Still dunno about those cancerous cells bc no one tells ME ANYTHING but she said i have a severe pelvic infection that is travelling towards my liver. So they're like "lets do a REALLY intense course of antibiotics" and im like ??? Fucking a man im getting mad just writing this all out. Anyway i was like uhm. How tf am i supposed to keep down antibiotics when i CAN'T EVEN KEEP DOWN WATER THAT IS WHY I'M FUCKING HERE JFCCCC. And they were like "yeah we're aware but you legit do not have a choice" bc yeah, don't want my liver to go downhill (I've been such a lil fuck to my drs lately.... could not care less tho bc they deserve my bluntness) so i called my new case worker (she is super chill, super gay, lets me swear and call my drs fuckers as much as i want, which is dope) and basically explained, she said she's gonna try and get me back on subs legally so i can at least nourish myself and keep my health up (ill still be in pain but I'm learning that id rather have my body not slowly dying and be in pain... what a cool sacrifice. I also was like... "Hey yeah no hospital is gonna admit me rn... and my health is worse now than it was in '14 when i weighed 60 lbs less so like... I'm going to use street subs. Or opiates in general. For a few days. So i can get my electrolytes back somehow... also did i mention i have herpes? *bawling ensues* anywhooo... Just thought I'd let you know." And she was like "Fair enough. You need to eat." And i was like okay cool tell my dr and his bitchy nurse that usually replies to my messages bc i do not need anymore fucking stigma rn .. okay? Tyvm" so that was.. that i guess. So yeah. I used. On day 5. And... i didn't even truly fucking want to. That's the worst fucking part of this whole fucked up bullshit... I WANT TO PROVE EVERYONE WRONG AND SHOW THEM THAT I CAN DO THIS. And i could have. If it wasn't for my poor health... i fucking could have. And I'm gonna tell that to my pdoc when I see him. But you know what? I fucking ate. I kept down a loooottttt of liquids. Opiate wds technically cannot kill you. And the thing is... I've been through the "near fatal" ones (booze and benzos)... but I always caught my alcohol dts super fast, got treated and then away i went. But no. Opiate withdrawals will not be dangerous~~~..... to a person who is in decent health. I say decent bc lbs if you're using them either legally or illegally, something is already prob wrong lol. I remember a story that my ex sponsor who is now a good but distant friend (who relapsed, and when she relapsed, we became close lol shes sober now tho dw) told me once about opiate dts... she said one of her friends was so dehydrated, malnourished, etc... that he almost did die. And it took him almost dying for anyone to take him seriously. And, as I was laying in that miserable hospital bed... I remembered that. Opiate wds cannot kill you, but you're gonna wanna a) kill yourself, because it's honestly fucking easier that way (or so your mind will tell you) and b) if you're in poor health... try and find a detox center/hospital that will take you. ASAP. On tuesday... fuck i lost my train of thought... (in other news, i now have a promethazine script and... boy oh boy lol probably the best non naroticc/not scjeduled drug I've ever gotten my grubby lil hands on)... yeah idk that's all I publicly got rn. If you actually read all this... 👀 @ you, Ashley, bc ik you're the only one who reads my shit on here anymore (love you for that, btw 💜)... but yeah if you read this all, you guys are the real MVPs... I'm gonna start using one of my private blogs on here. Mainly because..welll...its fucking private and also really enjoy the fact that i saved the URL "clonqz3pain" so... yeah that's all I got. Hope you all are doing better than me.