#idk why i make these but theyre fun for me

[babyzzai]

hiii!! hewwwoooww!!! i weawwy loves ur hcs!! i juf found uw blog an i love it sm!!! i saw dat u make mostly lil!dazai hcs, but could i get lil!chuuyah hc?? if u not comfy w makin it/u no wanna do it, itz fine!!

little chuuya headcanons ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

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i actually LOVE little chuuya. hes so special to me, but my favorite character just happens to be dazai which is why i talk about him so much, but i am MORE than happy to write babychuu!! :3

⋆ ˚｡⋆⟡♡⟡⋆｡˚ ⋆

headcanons below the cut! . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ .

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ chuuya regresses to 5 years old! hes a flip with a caregiver lean! hes a very polite kiddo, and is honestly an easy kid to take care of. youd think with his confident personality when hes big hed be a bit more of a louder kid, but honestly, hes very calm and polite. he says please and thank you, he cleans up after himself, a very good baby :3

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ he LOVES those airbuds movies, i made a post about it around a month ago, those movies with all the golden retriever puppies, like santa buddies, spooky buddies, snow buddies, treasure buddies, etc. theyre his absolute favorite!! he gets so excited to see them! anything puppy themed is his go to, seeing as how much he loves puppies. i can also see him liking paw patrol, and hell get all excited and keep on saying "chase is on the case!".

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ he likes to go outside a lot! in the spring and summer hell play in the mud and get pretty dirty, but chuuya knows its not good to track mud and dirt and grass around the house, so hell allow himself to get cleaned up at the end of the day and then have a nice little treat as a reward :3

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ hes mostly verbal when regressed, hes not really a baby baby, moreso toddler/kiddo age, he can vocalize his wants and needs pretty well, but there are a few times he needs nonspeaking time, or help with big words.

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ hes had a few caregivers in his lifetime.

♡ in the sheep, regression was common (i mean- theyre all kids having to act like adults with no parents, living on the streets. it makes sense that some of the sheep would use regression as a coping mechnaism). no one in the sheep really had a set caregiver, but shirase and chuuya were close, so shirase would babysit chuuya.

♡ then albatross was a caregiver for chuuya. ill admit i havent read stormbringer yet... i wanna but idk why im procrastinating 😭 i know a decent amount about it, and about the flags from fanfictions and just being in the fandom though. i dont think albatross really knew a name for what chuuya was going through, but i do think he loved and cared about chuuya, and understood he was traumatized and not doing well mentally, and figured it would make sense for chuuyas brain to seek comfort in a childlike way. he already viewed chuuya as his little brother, he didnt care what age that meant, he just wanted to be there for him! the rest of the flags would babysit for chuuya as well, doc would bandage any ouchies hed get and give him a lolipop to keep him from crying. lippman would love to dress chuuya in fun outfits, and vice versa. iceman would spend quiet time with chuuya and color with him, let him sleep on his lap, pet his hair and make him some tea while he drank his coffee (giving caffeine to a five year old doesnt go over well, lol, he didnt want chuuya too excited- that part he left for albatross lol). i hc specifically that iceman would give chuuya sleepytime tea to get him tired and to fall asleep lol, he likes a quiet environment, and though chuuya is by no means a rowdy kid, sometimes its just nice to relax with a sleeping baby in your lap! i dont know much about pianoman tbh... but he babysat for chuuya too!!

♡ i could see adam being a caregiver as well, and this is where chuuya discovered that what he experienced had a name- age regression. adam, being a robot, was able to inform and educate chuuya about it in a way that the sheep or the flags couldnt. chuuya didnt see anything wrong with it. from all of his life that he could remember he regressed, other people he knew regressed, no one had a problem with it, and if they did they could mind their own business, so help him, lol.

♡ and then ofc, dazai caregives for chuuya! whereas i headcanon chuuya as a flip, dazai is solely a regressor, and has problems accepting his own regression, but would take care of chuuya no questions asked at the drop of a hat. he knows chuuya would, and does, do the same for him, and theyre partners. having each others backs and taking care of each other is what they do. and if taking care of each other means watching paw patrol for hours, or taking chuuya to the park to pet some puppies, or cradling him as he falls asleep, drooling onto dazais chest, then thats what hes gonna do.

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ the caregiver headcanons were so long... but its not my fault, everyone loves chuuya!! they all wanna take care of the baby!!

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ pet names!! i think chuuya would like to be called baby boy, honey, kid/kiddo, pretty common ones. dazai would ofc use chibi, mackeral, and slug, i read somewhere the hc that he calls baby chuuya neonate, which is the baby version of a slug lol, and i love that. adam calls chuuya very basic names, like sweetheart and honey. i like to imagine shirase calling chuuya little lamb, cuz they were in the sheep, and singing mary had a little lamb to him, and chuuya was the little lamb.

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ speaking of the sheep, chuuya has a sheep nightlight. he uses it when not regressed too, because hes scared of the dark. it gives him nightmares and reminds him of his time in the lab. so his sheep nightlight lets him sleep easier.

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ bed time is relatively easy for chuuya. hes an active baby, always wanting to get his hands onto a new activity, be it playing, coloring, tv, drawing, games, whatever. hes always a bit tuckered out by the end of the day and will easily fall asleep in his caregivers arms. he really, really likes to be cradled to sleep, or hugged in someones arms, because the warmth and safety of his caregiver's arms is a welcomed difference to the cold, loneliness he felt in the lab, or when he was afraid and breaking down all alone :(

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ chuuya is a trauma regressor (he is heavily implied to have cptsd, and i also headcanon him to have bpd). he regresses to cope with not remembering his childhood, and moreso from what he does remember of his childhood.

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ chuuyas a bit of an older kid, and he doesnt usually suck his thumb, but if hes feeling especially nervous or had a bad day or is having a panic attack or flashback, i think hed start sucking his thumb for comfort (despite telling dazai not to when hes taking care of him lol). dazai never understood the sentiment of pacifiers, but he knew when he was regressed and sucked on his fingers, chuuya always made him sue a pacifier, so he thought in the long run chuuya would appreciate if he gave him a pacifier to suck on. chuuya accepts it, he has nothing against pacifiers, he just needs the sucking sensation to calm down.

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗ the baby loves cuddles!! even when hes not little, too, but especially when hes feeling small!! hell tuck his head under his caregivers chin and nuzzle into the neck, and he loves to sit on his caregiver's lap! and yknow whats even better than cuddles...? KISSES!! chuuya, the eversweet little guy he is, loves to give his caregiver kisses, and loves to be kissed!! he loves to shower them with kisses on their cheeks, and feels so warm and cozy when hes being put to bed for the night and his caregiver gives him a sweet, tender kiss on the forehead.

ugh i have so many more headcanons but this is getting really long... im so into little chuuya especially with the release of the stormbringer manga... like theres no way this poor child doesnt regress to cope ☹️ i lowkey had to remind myself not to make this caregiver dazai centered because im brainrotted by soukoku lol. hes there vaguely, but i wanted little chuuya to be the center of attention!!

[sapphicdib]

dyever f thing about stars and shut like not just big bright stars but also the dead ones what were they calldd proton stars no no thats young stars it was uhhhhhhhh idk star corpses you know what i mean white dwarfs neutron stars and black holes theyre all just really so cool like especially neutron stars hell id argue that in some scenadrios neutron stars can be more dangerous tan blaco holws and i mean if you compare it by mass than pwr capita neutron stars are way more dangerous than black holes and are kinda crazy too in subtler ways but honestly ieven eneutoron starz get their fair shair of love but not white dwarfs no white darfs dont get much love at all even though theyre arguably the best candidate for life to remain around once all stars dies i mean black holes have all that relativety time business and neutron stars are extremely horrifically anti life but white stars are both very stable and so so so so so so so very fuckin long lived i mean even when the last star dies the first white dwarf wont have died dont quote me on that but you get the idea like even when white dwarfs die they dont die die they just slowly run out of nergy via thermal radiation and over the course of what was it i think a quintillion or so years white dwarfs become black dwarfs although those arent exactly helpful for life and eventually they just turn into big iron balls but thats beside the point the point is if you really wanna live as long as possible you gotta create a superstructure around a black hole theyre marginally stable they make a lotta energy and they last a frankly unreasonable amount of time like you phsycially cannot conceptualize the amount of time they last no one can its impossible thats why if you could manage to build a habitat around one thatd be lifes best chance for living functionally forever but at that point is it really worth it i mean we dont really know what happens when black holes fizzle out we dont know whats at the end of a singularity we dont know what the universe will be like when even the last white dwaff turns to ash and iron who knows maybe after a billion billion billion billion billion billion billion billlion billion years a spark will reignite it all and we'll have big bang part two yknow its kinda similar to rain world do you really want to stick around for the end of the universe do you really want to prepare to live forever or would you rather enjoy it as it is yknow?

Anyway whats your favorite media besides Rain World, if that's it?

fun fact i took astronomy in college so theoretically i recognize those words but i just woke up with an insane migraine + on my period so i do not have the brain capacity to actually parse all that but i do remember that i had a massive existential crisis in class while we were talking about what could be beyond the edge of the known universe so im just gonna say agreed!

aside from rain world i love hollow knight, vocaloid, hannibal, inside job (fuck you netflix for cancelling it on a cliffhanger), gravity falls, invader zim, madoka magica, kill la kill, stardew valley, and some other shit i’m probably forgetting.

also media related i guess is that my new year’s resolution was to get into more all female metal/screamo bands and artists. i’ve been listening to a lot of poppy (current fav), kittie, deathbyromy, jazmin bean, zheani, and snowblood! so if anyone wants to recommend anything similar that’d be awesome!! i collect records too!!

this is the inside cover of zig it’s hanging up on my wall because it is simply that badass

other favs include my signed copy of negative spaces (i’d already listened to a couple poppy songs before she dropped this album but this one is what REALLY got me into her stuff. listen to it, it got me thru so much rough shit)(also she makes insanely good iteratorcore songs bro like WUHH), my 1/2500 og pressing of take this to your grave, and then my (approximate) rainbow of vinyls above my lesbian flag!! my brother got me am i a girl for christmas, the only album from poppy’s discography on vinyl i have left to snatch up is i disagree!! (…and poppy.computer but the amount that one sells for on discogs is fucking unreasonable).

other than that i thiiiink this is the rest of my collection? i have all of fall out boy’s discography and most of mother mother’s, i NEED a welcome to the black parade one but i dont like the cover of the one thats everywhere in stores :( others on my wantlist include a specific pressing of zaba by glass animals that goes for like 600 bucks on ebay which is fucking criminal, double dare by waterparks, OH AND THERES APPARENTLY A VINYL COPY OF VIOLENCE AGAINST NATURE?? WHICH I WANT SO BAD BUT GIRL ITS A *SINGLE SONG*…BUT ALSO…ITS SO GOOD…

anyways this is getting really long oops. actually this kinda helped cuz i rambled thru the time my medicine sorta started working so at least i was distracted during the worst of it. idk why i started rambling about my record collection but oh well!

[paingoes]

eeeee thank you so much for the tag :D !!!

1. What is the main lesson of your story? Why did you choose it? 

Lesson? Not sure tbh. but there are definitely themes that recur throughout — complex/repeated trauma and the way it shapes your self image, codependency and bad friendships, having to grow up too fast, and culturally sanctioned violence and cruelty. i chose these because they’re relatable to me frankly! theyre things i think about a lot.

i feel like any lesson i pretend im giving is just going to come off as trite and i think at this point self explanatory. main ones:

“it is wrong when people mistreat you, regardless of how many people are doing it, regardless of how culturally acceptable it is”

and

“be careful about what ideas and behaviors you internalize and which ones you impose onto other people because it can end up hurting you all very badly”

2. What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding? 

Sorry I am blanking on like every story I’ve ever been told right now. 

My worldbuilding front is pretty bare bones — it feels a bit more like a trope amalgam than something derived from any specific source. I guess Star Trek is the obvious one. I hadn’t actually seen Star Wars until well after starting this series but I think I definitely inherited the cultural idea of it. X-men also!!! that was a huge inspo behind the institute. evil x-mansion situation. 

Also, to come clean, the concept of psychics as i use them drew heavily from homestuck! The use of psychics in combat or as living batteries was a very minor element in the actual comic but it was a piece of worldbuilding that the fandom really latched onto for a time. so maybe it’d be more appropriate to say i was inspired by homestuck fanfiction. haha. please dont unfollow.

3. What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness or help the reader grow as a person? 

delta’s more specific goal is the abolition of empire, but he really just wants to make up for what he’s done. he wants to be useful and moral. he wants to be good.

paris’s main goal has only ever been survival, but there’s a large amount of egotism tied up in that. he also wants to be good, but he means it in a very different way than delta does. 

ummmm i hope my story can simply entertain people and make them happy! not much grander ambition. i just hope you like it :D

4. How many chapters is your story going to have? 

IDK bro. Rubies main arc is resolved, Crash Out is ending in one more chapter, and then uhhhh something really cool happens.

I’ll probably continue to write bonus chapters for both Rubies and Crash Out though!!! Things that occurred at random points in their timelines. I still have a couple of ideas for those.

5. Is it fan fiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it? 

Original :) i post on ao3 and tumblr obviously 

6. When did you start writing? 

Started this last summer!!! And made my blog intro at roughly the same time. This has been so much fun.

7. Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow writers of writeblr? What other writers do you follow?

ummmmm i love you. it will be okay. i said this last time but please make sure your work is still in service of you and not the other way around!!! if you are writing for fun please make sure you’re actually writing for fun yknow. nothing on social media is real 🐓🚗 look at this chicken it is bigger than the car

uhhhh just gonna tag the other writers i follow to participate if they want :D 

@floral-comet-whump @sir-fenris @thewhumpcaretaker @chiswhumpcorner

Tag Game: Author Ask Tag

thxxxxxxx @sacratos for the tag!

Question Template: 1. What is the main lesson of your story? Why did you choose it? 2. What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding? 3. What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness or help the reader grow as a person? 4. How many chapters is your story going to have? 5. Is it fan fiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it? 6. When did you start writing? 7. Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow writers of writeblr? What other writers do you follow?

1. What is the main lesson of your story? Why did you choose it? 

Don’t be an idiot and actually communicate with those you love, lol. In all seriousness, I don’t know if my story has a main theme, but there are several themes for sure. The importance of having family that loves and supports you (whether found or biological), taking back autonomy of oneself, and the importance of community.

2. What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding? 

Other BBU/pet whump authors! If you have written for the BBU, trust me, I have used some idea of yours as inspiration somewhere. I also use middle school me’s obsession with dystopian novels as inspiration as well.

3. What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness or help the reader grow as a person? 

All my MCs are trying to heal, in one way or another and I want my readers to connect with my characters in some way. Not really teaching a lesson or having some big, major theme, but I want my characters to feel real and connect with the readers (yes, even if you want to kill them you cannot touch Star, he is immune from death)

4. How many chapters is your story going to have? 

Hahahaha ha ha ha. . . yeah, no clue

5. Is it fan fiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it? 

Original content from my brain! I post it here, and only here

6. When did you start writing? 

The minute I learned what stories were. I think I wrote my first “story” (bible fanfiction. No I will not be taking questions about that) when I was about seven or so, then my first full fanfiction at nine and I have not stopped since. 

7. Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow writers of writeblr? What other writers do you follow?

Read! Seriously, I cannot stress this enough! Read! And not just to compare yourselves with other writers–please don’t do that at all–but read to see how others write emotion, descriptions, characters, plots! Take what you like and figure out why you don’t like other kinds of writing, then apply what you want to your own writing. Also, your writing voice will develop in time. Don’t worry about that.

A large chunk of people I follow are writers! Can’t list all of them here, but they know who they are and their writings have inspired and shaped both my style and my content. Ilyasm! 

Tagging (w/o any pressure!) @quietly-by-myself @whump-card @sparrowsage @whumble-beeee @whumpyourdamnpears and anyone else who wants to join in!

[thousandth-island]

🥳Neo 3’s Quinceañera💃

-they all saw it in a movie and they wanted to replicate it-

Callie: UN APLAUSO PARA LA QUINCEAÑERAAAA *taking pictures of everything and everyone the entire time* (one of the damas)

Marie: Tia behind the scenes making sure everything is going smoothly, the literal backbone of the party (also a dama)

Marina: DJing, playing exclusively BANGERS

Big Man: (DESTROYING the dance floor) SUAVEMENTEEEEEEE

Captain 3: (besame) looks like they’re there for the food but are genuinely having fun, chosen to be a chambelan.

Agent 8: omg this is just like that beverly hills chihuahua movie ☺️ (chosen to be one of the damas but doesn’t know what that means, dancing with Captain and Big Man)

Agent 4: primo in the corner on ao3, only starts to dance when Marie comes over and encourages them.

Frye: prima stealing every decoration. The party is growing barer and barer in terms of decorations by the hour and Frye’s bag is conveniently getting bigger and bigger. Marie is the only one who notices and puts it on her tab

Shiver: Nobody thought they could speak spanish. Not even herself. Somehow knows every song. Perfect accent. Fly octo fly more like vuela mi pulpito vuela

Pearl: sings along to every song but doesn’t know the lyrics. Complete gibberish. Is somehow more of a native spanish speaker than Shiver

Cuttlefish: calls neo 3 agent 8, 1, 2, 3, 4, kiddo, niño, boyo, and squirt. All in that order. Doesn’t know which of his grandkids this is but he’s still proud 🥰

Octavio: complaining that he isn’t the DJ the whole time and yet he stays busting it down octo style with Cuttlefish. Manages to convince Marina to have a dance with Pearl halfway through just so he can DJ. Cries with Cuttlefish during el vals bc they’re sappy abuelos

Little Buddy: he is so happy! Not 100% sure what’s going on but neo 3 is happy and gets to wear a poofy dress and eat lots of food and he understands he has an important role (top chambelan of their corte de honor). He’s all dressed up too <3

Neo 3: was doing it ironically at first. For the laughs tbh. Gets emotional during el vals bc the found family is starting to get to them

[vodid]

its perfectly normal to flirt with the angry and murderous decepticon guy looming over you, wouldnt you tihnk?

[bacchuschucklefuck]

okay unironically I love so much that porter is like this world SUCKS its BAD here and it HURTS you why do you care abt it!!! and literally every single bad kid is like ngl we just hate ur ass it does not matter what ur philosophy is

[bandtrees]

they would get divorced in one universe just to find eachother in another one

alternatively titled: sometimes you're the level-headed token flesh-head impulse-control-and-polycule-member of a stubborn, eccentric, and hearty telephone-headed drug addict, and there's cruelty in the world you deem fit to suicidally fight, and that either goes about as well as you'd expect it to, or you learn about love and the value of your life and junk along the way

[gingerswagfreckles]

Well they caught him. If he wasn't the exact kind of person tumblr loves, the conspiracy theories about this being a random person being framed would have continued to spread. But he's an attractive 26 year old white man who was caught carrying a manifesto about corporate America and has an internet history that matches up with tumblr's general politics. So everyone is going to get excited about how he's a martyr and go back to acknowledging reality in that there isn't a conspiracy to frame the wrong guy.

The discussions over whether or not this man should be lionized as a hero are honestly not as relevant as the comfort with which people are going to drop the conspiracy theory they would have been fully committed to if this man's politics turned out to be nuts. The ease with which the userbase of this website switches between realities based on whether or not they confirm their biases is really alarming. I just hope people understand how weird it is to claim a random person is 100% going to be framed by the FBI on one day, and then drop that by the next day when it becomes clear that the person being "framed" is the exact kind of communist you had hoped.

[soupmanspeaks]

the topic of Helpy makes me go insane /pos like I have this headcanon that William/Springtrap just, DESPISED Helpy because William took heaps of pride from the Funtime line of Animatronics, he saw it as his son's crude mocking of HIS creations, when in reality its just Michaelangelo S Afton trying to use humor to once again cope with the horrors™️ Like I've probably said this here before but I headcanon that Helpy found his way into the PizzaPlex's marketing is because after the FNAF6 fire he just was under the rubble remarkably preserved or something and instead of going into the RockStarRow Museum, the FazExecs had dollar signs in their eyes and were like "yeah, that one will make us bank, ong" Ive also probably said this (bad memory sozzz) but a headcanon to go in tandem with that headcanon, is that Glamfreddy sighs in resignation whenever he passes by one of those Helpy monitors (he wasn't paid royaltys <//3 ) AND LIKE I GOTTA KNOW WHAT (glam)MIKE WOULD THINK OF THE ENTITY THAT IS SATAN DISGUISING HIMSELF AS AN AGENT OF LIGHT (Helpi) WOULD HE FEEL SAD? ANGRY? AT THE MIMIC? THE COMPANY?! please the topic of helpy is so interesting PLEAs-

[faunandfloraas]

All the giant album concept pics feel so.... Ate b cuts like.... okay you just did photos like this 3 months ago.....

[marcmorrigan]

they keep me warm on cold nights / we must be quite a sight all tangled, wow

yayyy finished this just in time! this server exchange was so fun and i had such a good time making this for @oloreandil omg im so excited to have gotten you as my giftee!!! ILYSM i hope i did your prompt justice!

[skitskatdacat63]

those 2011 pics remind me of hard the McLaren race suits used to fuck, I loved the vodafone era suits so much 🥹

YES AGREED!!! I love the Vodafone McLaren livery, literally peak!!!!!

Thank you for sending this ask bcs now I get to talk about 2011 in particular. There were these special Saturday race suits and they're all so pretty!!! Hugo Boss did a design competition to celebrate their partnership with McLaren and different artists made different designs for the Quali days. They're so beautiful 🥹🥹 Why can't they do anything fun like that now???? I digress, I went through all the Qualis and compiled pics of all of them!!

[sometimeswritingsometimesdying]

in the years ive been off tumblr ive done a lot of traditional work so here's one of my favorites <3 it's titled "the epilogue"

oil painting & stitching on canvas, february 2024 (words by me!)

[oceanwithouthermoon]

ive been unhealthily fixated on kubosai for the past few weeks, i just have no idea how to put it into words. kuboyasu aren and saiki kusuo are in love btw

[foolsocracy]

YOU'RE A TIM DRAKE STAN, TOO?? That guy's one of my favorite, but I think I'm leaning more towards Jason Todd as of the moment. Him and Peter-Noir have some things in common, like being forced to become an adult because of a responsibility that was given to them even though they were just kids/teens. I love my mentally unstable boys.

He's the one that really pulled me into DC. His earnest and obsessive ways endeared me.

I love all the robins though! They all have such different aspects to them that I really like. I haven't read too much of jason's robin days but from panels I've seen he looks really fun. And I had a great time watching Under the Red Hood which also broke my heart. He does have stuff in common with Pete! I feel awful for them both for their canon lives they've lived 😭

Strangely enough I think by now I have more Robin-Dick that I've read than Robin-Tim, but I feel like the Robin Tims ive read have more weight to them so who can say. 60s teen titans vs Death in the Family & Contagion & No mans land, etc. Its pretty different lol

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

Hi hello I watched all of carmilla in a weekend when I was 17 because a student teacher who in retrospect I had a bit of a crush on mentioned that she knew one of the actresses. also I am pretty invested in all your recent vampire stuff because I watched iwtv in 2 days last week because your edit intrigued me

oh hiiii 🫶 thank you for indulging me. thats so cool that you watched iwtv! did it live up to the expectation?

i also watched carmilla at 17! or like, 17-19. i found it when s2 had just started and followed it to the end. did something permanent to my brain but i think it was a good thing. on rewatch now im like, i was right to like this. like it's a solid show, it's good. it has its flaws obviously but it's well written, the emotional moments still get me, i can see why i liked it and i still like it now even when it's not anymore, you know, meeting every need that baby gay me didnt even know they had

what it doesnt reaallyy do though - i dont remember if i posted abt this or if i left it in my drafts but - is explore vampirism as a concept. their subject matter is more lesbianism than vampirism. which is great! thats what they wanted to do and they did it and it's very good. but reading interview with the vampire the book rn im realising how much potential vampires have to be metaphors for like so many things and i started wondering like 'wait, did carmilla just not really engage with it or did it all go over my head'. but it just didnt really engage with it all that much. which again is fine bc that wasnt what they were doing. im glad they were more about the lesbianism than the vampirism

but there's this interesting difference in framing, because in iwtv they keep calling armand 'ancient' right? and emphasising how old he is. and he's like 500? and i was like 'wait isnt carmilla like 400?'. she isnt, shes 340, but still, thats getting there, you know? and we know quite a lot about her history, but kind of just the Big Events. when she was turned, the events of the novella, coffin of blood, silas. thats sort of what we know. but none of the long lonely slog of history day to day you know? with armand i feel like we can really feel how much time everything takes. how every one of those years is made up of single days. with carmilla i dont feel that as much. i keep kind of thinking about daniel, when louis calls him a boy in the first episode, saying "im an old man, with all the triggers that come with it"

because carmilla might look 18 (or mid twenties at this point) but she has lived all that time. shes also seen her native land be claimed by like a succession of ruling powers, right? like armand. shes been buried alive, like louis. when lestat is born, shes already 80 years old, shes lived a whole human lifetime, and the entire adult part of it shes been a vampire. shes lived through 1680-1870 being a lure. i compared her to abigail hobbs in some tags on a post, i dont know if youre familiar with hannibal the tv show, but i do also kinda keep thinking about that comparison

if youre not familiar, in the first episode of hannibal the murderer of the week is this guy garrett jacob hobbs who kills and cannibalises girls who resemble his daughter. and later on it turns out she was made to be his lure. like they'd go places and he'd sent her to the victims to make friends and maybe get them back to their home or smth. not sure if they specified all the details. but that's what carmilla did for mother. and in s2 we hear from mattie that while every couple of decades carmilla had to lure victims for the fish god, she also seemed to just enjoy humans between those times, right? like the doctor, gets lonely, gets a new companion. but we've only sort of got mattie's mocking word for it ("dont eat him, hes a poet! or her, shes got such a wonderful voice. or that one, shes just too pretty to ruin"), we don't know exactly from carmilla's point of view what she was doing or why. if mattie's talking about stuff that happened after the blood coffin, 1950-now, then i think it's a fair assumption based on what carmilla says in the s1 sock puppet show that after she'd figured out what the real situation was and what her role in it was, when she'd started trying to save girls from being sacrificed, that she mightve been doing the same trying to save people from becoming mattie's victims. it's probably more likely that she was just trying to find excuses to stop mattie from sucking someone dry rather than actually having like an aesthetic based morality. but it might be a bit of both. im still trying to figure out what her philosophy actually is, like i dont know what existentialism actually means ghkfjghkj but i will

i also found it pretty striking in the movie when shes turning back into a vampire she says like "this was supposed to be done, you know? the blood lust, the self-loathing, the sleeping tied to a chair in my own bedroom". thats what defines her vampirism, wanting blood and hating yourself for it (the third part is a joke/reference to s1 but also i think meaningful for how she sees her relationship with laura when she IS a vampire. little bit of that 'she will reject me for my monstrousness' shining through). and thats what defines vampirism for lots of vampires across the genre obviously, but i dont know, it struck me. we dont get a lot from carmilla's pov, we know a fair amount about her, but the story is always told through laura. we get laura's diaries, but just snippets here and there from carmilla, what shes thinking, how shes feeling

and i love that shes a philosopher. i love that thats how she seems to try and find something to hold onto, in a world that kind of moves around her, having been murdered, kidnapped, turned and groomed to be a lure on the cusp of adulthood, never having been properly loved (the relationship with her father wasnt good she says in s3, and her mortal mother i dont think has ever been mentioned (like laura's)). the only good relationship she seems to have had for the better part of 3 centuries seems to have been mattie, and mattie seems to love being a vampire. i can imagine carmilla just sort of going along with anything mattie wants to do just because shes so desperate for that friendship. not like, against her will necessarily really. but more like, she hasnt even had the space to develop her own will, you know? and philosophy lets you do that. philosophy gives you frameworks to understand the world and to develop your own opinions on it. and by the 21st century she seems to have developed those opinions, she has a sense of her own values, but shes also still stuck in that same situation. shes jaded and cynical in the face of laura's optimism and strong moral code a lot of the time in s1 because she feels probably pretty powerless. like she does what she can to save some girls but at the end of the day shes scared of her mother and she has nowhere else to go really, right?

i like how she grapples with that over the course of the series, in tandem with laura grappling with her black and white morality. she sort of jumps ship from her mother to laura bc theyve fallen in love, but then laura still stuck in her hero thinking refuses to see her monstrous side. not literally bc i think the biological vampirism never seemed to be a problem for laura, but morally. the having murdered. carmilla needs laura to see that and love her while seeing it bc the last girl she loved rejected her for being a vampire.

but you see her kind of swing back and forth in s2. she softens first with laura but then they break up and she leans back hard into the sarcastic cynic defense mechanisms, leans hard into "im a monster, dont expect heroism from me". but thats like, it's sort of learned helplessness i think. it's powerlessness, resignation. bc morally shes not a monster. maybe she doesnt have as strong a drive to help other people as laura does and is a little more selfishly hedonistic in that she just wants to enjoy her/their life, but she doesnt hurt people for fun, she never has. she just sort of didnt have another option for a Really long time. so she pretends she doesnt care. "im a vampire, this is what i do, this is who i am". but clearly from the way she talks about it when she turns back into one, she doesnt enjoy it

and i like how she goes even further in s3, where she starts swinging even more to the heroic side, bc she sees hope. shes like "wow if we kill my mother, i'd be free". theres hope and she becomes like a lot more active. and shes like that at the start of the movie too, a lot happier, a lot more relaxed, and then vampirism is back and bam depression gfhgkjh like shes immediately more gloomy, ashamed of her past and her self, retreats into herself

sorry i just took this as an opportunity to dump all the carmilla thoughts floating in my head on you. you didnt ask fhkghgjh consider this an open invitation to you or anyone else to come talk to me about carmilla