#idk what tw this would have in it lmao

[opens-up-4-nobody]

:-P

[mad-hunts]

oh, by the way, it's random headcanon time because i thought y'all should know this: barton's doll motif does, in fact, go deeper than his 'doll-making.' because although his hair isn't always this way, you can always sort of tell when barton is really spiraling, because he will just stop brushing his hair to let it become matted and resemble a ' doll's ' hair more closely. and as for what that looks like, think the ringlets that seem to resemble a doll's that has yarn for hair that i used in my pinned post, except they're blonde. so yeahhh. though, of course, there's nothing really wrong with that. however, comma, did i also mention that he is SO wack that he stitched someone else's arm onto himself and now uses it as his own like one of his ' doll-like ' creations?

and as you guys can probably already tell, there are definitely some things wrong with that 💀 i mean barton just cannot go even one day without causing some sort of horrific upset, am i right, guys? JSJSJ / j NAH i'm kidding, i'm kidding (... actually, i might not be this time. idk LMAO ). but anyhowww, i'll tell y'all more about that later because it will probably be a long post due to the nature of how that came to be, but how are we feeling about barton now with this information? like has your opinion of him changed or is it pretty much the same? i am just genuinely curious so feel free to leave a comment below to tell me.... because i know it is gross to think about and also terrifying, but barton is SEVERELY demented so he doesn't think of it that way personally

[vincent-sinclair-deserved-better]

hm

thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol

[sophiethewitch1]

in my hater era

[lesboylycan]

...

[piplupod]

talked to guy at centre about my anxiety and avoidance around applying for welfare and he was not super helpful but I expected that. however I was explaining the way I feel theres a clock ticking down to an endpoint (irt my money running out) and thats partially why I'm so stressed abt this all, and he asked me kind of hesitantly and cautiously like "...would your parents help or... ?" and I kind of was like UHHH PROBABLY NOT I DUNNO HAHA trying not to get choked up and also unsure what i can say, AND I'M JUST. ?? because what the fuck would any parents even do. if ur child runs out of money and cannot/"refuses" to work, then... what is there to do lol. like they could help w the welfare application process i guess but other than that...? i cannot think of what "help" would even mean in that situation

[msftsn]

and @maljefe wrote in the journal; staining paper with ink to bleed the words : ❛  the truth is, i don’t want just anyone. i want you.  ❜ love confessions . loni & kazimir .

unnaturally blue eyes widen for a moment, surprise taking the cyborgs visage over like a thundering storm and for a moment it was as if kazimir brahms didn't exist. as if that cursed man from all those years ago was still alive, still human. as if that wretched man was standing here instead of him. as if there was still any humanity left in him. he stares at her, looking as though she'd just casually revealed the secrets of the world to him. she looks conflicted, as if she too can sense that this wasn't how it was supposed to be. the playful banter, the tension in the air ... it was supposed to be casual. sort of. they both knew better than to chase after something with someone who could ruin their life. & yet here they were. for a selfish moment he wants to smile.

because he never stopped loving her even after death.

his mouth opens, and perhaps for the first time since kazimir brahms first came to be his voice is more human than robotic; his throat constricts, hurts with the strain as it trembles in shock. even though he knows that he shouldn't be saying anything when he was the one who sought her out, who wouldn't let his past remain buried and followed her even though she didn't even recognize him. who selfishly pulled her in and pulled her close while donning and entirely new life and name. they both silently agreed that this was not going to be some cheesy story. that she'd do her thing just like he'd do his - that the closest to commitment they shared would be chris because whether he wanted to or not, that was her son. what foolish, emotional hypocrites they had been. his voice trembles, shivers. cracks and wavers.

❛  this isn't supposed to happen! you can't just fall in love with me!  ❜ - ❛  too late. ❜

she looks at him as if she's not sure if she can truly reach him; as if she didn't know she already owned his heart before she even knew him. and she doesn't, he remembers. because he's cruel. unfair. because he never truly told her anything other than the scraps he was willing to throw over his wall. he wants to think that maybe he wasn't built for love, but even though he knows he wasn't ... he does. he loves. he loves her with all his heart, with every fiber of his being and every piece of his brain. with every last bit of his soul; he loved loni valadian. itohan eghide once said that the actuality that the heart does not want to feel doesn't negate the certitude that it once felt and will still feel. the second he read that quote he hated it for its truth.

now that he thinks about it, perhaps he's been too self-indulgent, too selfish in the entire ordeal of this; and now he alone carries the guilt of two heavy hearts bared to destinies cruel wits. mien relaxes, shock making way for a raw sort of sadness that he should not be able to convey. he is breaking his system; or rather, loni is. but it is not the kind of breaking that will cause him to short circuit, rather it is a sort of brokenness that will allow him a little more freedom in his humanity, maybe. if he is lucky. and if he isn't ... well, it was nice for a few seconds he'd say. he looks at loni, looks at the furrowed brows, the serious expression on her face; the faintest twitch of her mouth that betrays that she wants to grab him by the collar and shake him for not saying anything else and letting her words dangle in the air - for allowing himself to get hurt, badly, without giving her a chance to say these words to him.

she's yelled at him for that before, right when he woke up. he assumes it's because she knows that unlike normal people he does not need time to readjust after waking up when his wounds have been tended to, simply because his body cannot feel the exhaustion and fatigue humans or humanoid-aligning creatures can. he lets out a dry, low huff at that, gives a bitter smile at the ground. he's feared that, for a while. he'd hoped that loni would be like him; a coward in their own right. but she isn't, never has been and he regrets underestimating her like that. she shouldn't be so intimidating to him in this moment, she was the one with her heart on her sleeve, she was the one baring it to him not the other way around. and yet, he falls backwards, lands his ass on the couch and puts his head in his hands, body racking as if he's sobbing violently. and maybe, just maybe, if his body could it would be doing just that. but it can't.

❛  don't do that. don't love me. don't give me your heart for me to waste it. ❜

his voice is breaking, cracking at the edges to reveal the sharp vulnerability that has cut him all these years. reveals the rawness that he's hid behind the lie of being incapable of processing such deep emotions. if he wasn't himself maybe he'd be happy. ecstatic even. he remembers a time where he would have jumped in joy to find out his emotions were reciprocated. but those times were over, at least in the outwardly joyousness. that person died when he thought of trying to help make the world safer against people like him. when he thought the one good deed he could do was destroy the very group that wanted to send him after the she-wolf.

he doesn't need to look up to know she probably feels just as helpless as him. it had to be said, had to be outed. if he stops denying it then he knows that much, but he would've hoped it never had to happen. emotions as soft as this deserved tenderness, to be treated like the fragile things they were; not to be thrown into two lives full of darkness and violence. he shakes his head, again, again and again before he gives up. looks up at loni with utter defeat in his eyes. his voice is hoarse, the faint traces of static buried underneath the pure agony in his voice. no, he's destroyed himself with this love. he refuses to pull her into the self - inflicted destruction too.

❛  don't love me. it will kill you the way it killed me to love you. ❜

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

okay so like two things about this particular line.

one: i like the irony in claude telling someone to trust more.

two: HOWEVER, dimitri has literally absolutely no reason whatsoever in the name of yeehaw fuckity to not trust claude. i hate the way the game tries to absolutely force the things gw/sb claude does into ag when it doesn't even exist at all in ag. he never made a single hint of planning to just betray/harm the kingdom and this is literally at their first war meeting. not just that, but claude chose to go to faerghus himself and didn't ask them to go to leicester (which he specifically states being the one to choose to go to faerghus), so there wasn't anything indicating he might be up to something at all.

then we've got this stupid nugget:

each side lacks trust and is expecting foul play? the church expects foul play from the kingdom? from the alliance which has done nothing to them in this route, and that's bad enough... but the fucking kingdom too?

the kingdom and alliance watching for foul play even though they're allies and never had a history of being aggressive toward each other?

i know i've talked about it before but... i just hate how they tried to force this "claude is always scheming something terrible" plotline, even where it doesn't belong. then they also added in the dumb bit here about even the church not trusting the other armies, even though they've... literally been helping them, gratefully, this whole war. they also didn't have to fight but chose to out of gratitude for being sheltered.

suddenly after the timeskip they just... don't trust each other?

like i totally get just being in it to reclaim gm and go home and not really in it for someone else or anyone else, but the distrust is just an asspull to make the church seem BaD as usual.

claude just walked in and wasn't trusted. they also keep hammering it in right through the whole second half of the route with lots of kingdom allies (including playable ones) not trusting him. even if they relatively trust the alliance and the soldiers helping them that were integrated into their army, they specifically do not trust claude at all and are apprehensive about him.

dimitri agrees here if they can't be trusted, but he doesn't mention just personally distrusting them a whole lot. he agrees that they should be cautious if what the others say is true, but he also just shrugs it off as "they'll be enough to deal with the alliance if so". he seems unsure at first and kinda goes back and forth, but by the end he's the only character who faithfully believes that claude isn't just fucking around and leading them on (which literally, right to the very very very end, every single character except him is still very vocally doubting claude).

but like... why? there's... just... nothing to distrust him because of in this route. man literally exists and the game wants us to believe he's untrustworthy.

yeehaw wtf??? why would anything happen between the kingdom and alliance after the war? why would anything need to happen? even if you try to argue that claude is gonna try to uwu depose of the top church officials, if the church is watching the kingdom like hawks like dimitri is apparently aware of, why would the kingdom get involved? why would they care? clearly the church doesn't trust them all that much after all, or at least anymore since the timeskip for some unknown reason, and the kingdom has now, after this war, paid back any debt it owed the church.

so like, why would they suddenly rush to the church's aid and help them if the church doesn't trust them? if they were friendly/allied it would make sense if they still wanted to help, but if the church is expecting foul play from the kingdom, why would the kingdom even care what happens to the church? they could turn a blind eye and pretend they don't have the resources to aid them anymore and that their own territory is still busy recovering.

even if you argue what they discussed at the very beginning of the war, the church either A: didn't ask for aid in this second conflict, or B: even if they did, the above stands. i don't think there would be any riots or anything like that in those cases if the kingdom didn't help the church. it's one thing to help, but it's another to just fight at the back and call of another territory, which dimitri clearly expresses he won't do in gw because he puts the safety of his people first. no matter what his feelings are on the matter, he knows he's a king and that he has a responsibility to his people first and foremost, as would be expected of a king (to protect his own people first and foremost).

while i could see claude wanting to talk after the war and get things straight, and while i could see dimitri there as a mediator, there's just... literally no reason for bad blood after all this. even if they don't trust each other, there's just no reason - and that's aside from the fact that it's total bs that they all just don't trust each other.

lorenz just asks if shez has confidence in them. doesn't mention claude. shez though just... randomly is like oh yeah btw just not claude. totally unprompted.

lorenz distrusting claude has been part of his character since houses so his part of it is reasonable. normally i'd say it's really pushing things with claude not being trustworthy for someone to say they feel bad for shez/the kingdom army for the implication of having to deal with claude even as an ally, but the only reason i give this a pass is because it's an understandable and reasonable character who says it.

still though, it's like the game throws it in at every single possible opportunity for no reason at all. they don't give us any indication that claude is this big bad evil guy. he doesn't trust the church. like... that's it. he made that clear even in ag (even without the zaharas chapter), and that's just... it. the rest of this makes it seem like claude is going to just up and invade the kingdom after this war and try to unify fodlan (i.e. just go what edelgard's been doing this whole time).

it's just like... here, nobody trusts claude at all in this game just for simply existing. you don't even have to bring him up, because someone else will do it for you and shit talk him to remind you he's the biggest piece of shit the game can offer! meanwhile, we've got marianne who is concerned about edelgard (implication is her well being no less!) because the empire's army ain't doing so hot. poor indading aggressor! sure hope she's doing okay! fuck our leader though, he's the biggest steaming pile of bullshit garbage to ever exist (marianne didn't say that, but that's what the narrative is going for: poor edelgard, it's so sad that the invader is having it rough right now. anyway fuck claude he's literally as evil as tws).

i love ag but i'd say this is one of if not the worst hiccup in the writing. when it comes to faerghus itself and its characters, it's mostly fine and even great, but when it starts going into other territories/characters it ends up taking a nosedive in quality.

siiigh

[mosspapi]

I truly do not understand how my parents expect me to just. Be totally chill and normal and have no rules or issues with food completely out of the blue, as if they didn't spend literally my entire childhood from ages 0 to 19 like. Fully banning 90% of "junk" food, not allowing anything other than water or juice more than once a month on special occasions, only letting us have fast food more than once a year (if we were lucky) when it was literally medically prescribed to me bcuz I was so underweight and deficient in shit I needed a neurologist to tell me if I didn't eat Pringles every day I would probably die, literally saying to my face that the blood sugar gummies I ate bcuz I was too sick to keep anything else down were "too high calorie", saying that even iceberg lettuce is unhealthy, and so much more. Like. You guys. Why are surprised that I'm not comfortable having two cups of iced tea in a single day. I unironically feel like I should be taken out back and shot for doing this. And that IS your fault. You cannot act surprised that I'm like this when you are the ones who raised me to be this way.

[be-gay-do-crime-ahaha]

Holy fucking shit the dysphoria is dysphoria-ing right now. I feel physically nauseous oh my fucking god. I’m gonna fucking kill someone maybe myself rn I’m gonna lose my shit holy hell.

Doesn’t help that I’ve been incredibly overstimulated the past few days every sound is like a fucking cheese grater in my ears oh my god.

[strangefable]

just have to crylaugh when a perfectly random innocuous thing slams into you like a fucking freight train and reminds you that no, actually, you're never going to stop being traumatized about your dead parents

[edith-is-a-cat]

Fuck.

I wish I could help.

[tardis--dreams]

Girl you gotta write your term paper and not cry about your poor life choices

[old-skulls]

i have an irrational hatred for percabeth, not in the “she’s abusive!!!” way but in a i just don’t like these characters together way

[doomsdayradio]

YALL I GOT POSTED ON FDC BACK IN MY PRO-ENDO DAYS? 💀

[piplupod]

trying to remind myself that this exhaustion and fatigue is a heavy layer of Bad over everything and skewing my perspective but dear fucking god i really feel like there is Nothing for me and everything is so scary and overwhelming. trying to just grit my teeth and tell myself once i rest and recover from the roadtrip then life will feel manageable again but i am not anywhere near convinced this is true fhfkdl