#idk this is my relationship w all my disorders honestly

[sideblogformentalhealtshit]

Hm. So am I the only one who 'likes' having ARFID?

Like don't get me wrong it's horrible it's caused so much damage to me but also like. I've had it my whole life I can't imagine a version of myself without it and I wouldn't want to not have it.

It's as big and fundamental a part of me as my autism. Sure there's bad parts but it's what makes me me, and without it I would cease to be me and become a whole nother person.

I've always found it a 'fun' part of me, a unique thing I was completely alone in most of my life, something that made me different in a funky way.

[desire-mona]

heard we were making house ocs and ive had a dingus floating around in my head since january so i FINALLY got around to actually making a proper ref sheet. i present my silliest

Dr. Nanette "Ninny" Amesbury :3

more under cut !

big warning lore n backstory n stuff is very bare bones and not all the way there cuz im #lazy

birthday is vague but lets go with ~35 circa s2

if i had a nickel for every oc i had who had absent parents and was raised catholic by their grandparents, id have two nickels. unintentional that it happened twice i sorta forgor the other one's lore for a bit and now its stuck so ummmmm sorry laney. wont be going into childhood bc i havent come up w that yet and honestly i dont care to!!! yada yada yada catholic guilt but not in the chase way bc she hasnt left the church n likely never will

ummmm relationship chart + template

lets just quick go over some relationship highlights cuz some are def more important than others

wilson: mr president a 4th ex wife has hit the james wilson. when were they married? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 😁

but they were married for like. 3 years? YES it ended bc he cheated but nin also wasn't the best either her ass was literally never ever there she was ALWAYS at work (like more than normal doctor amounts of at work - only came home to sleep and even that was only 4x a week(also worked at a different hospital))

tw suicide for next part bee tee dub

a big part of the beginning of their relationship was (big surprise) wilson's attraction to what he THOUGHT was neediness but was literally just nin wanting (and trying) to kill herself lol. once the magic of all that went away (perceived independence thats rly just #bottling shit up) he was just kinda like oh :/ its not cool to have a mentally ill wife anymore :/ i was expecting ramona flowers :/ or whatever. so infidelity impact font, hijinks and moving away for [amount] years ensue before nin being hired at ppth as the head of pediatrics. brief fwb situation w wilson Again b4 she finds out shes a lesbian at the end of like. s2.

oh yeah she also tries to kill herself again once she figures it out (see catholic guilt mention) but its cool she lives

cuddy: GAAAAAYYYYY GAAAAYYYYYYY GAY!!!!! DR AMESBURY WANTS TO FUCK THIS WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its one sided tho boooooo cuddys briefly like Wait ? just b4 nin moves away at the end of s6 roughly but shes already. thats done its not happening.

kutner: dont even fucking talk to me. i dont wanna talk about it. im gonna talk about it.

so kutner (like the slut that he is lowkey but society isnt ready for that) asks nin out just after he gets hired and shes like ermmmmmmmmmm! but sensing his loser aura she (still deeply closeted) is like hey haha i dont swing that way sorry !!!!!!! but its ok they become super mega best friends and get nerdy together

i like to think they listen to weird al together OH YEAH NINS THE BIGGEST WEIRD AL YANKOVIC FAN IN NEW JERSEY

and then nothing bad happens!

if youve seen this post about the little writing things kutner got after he croaked then hooray here's nanettes

they make me so fucking upset.

anyway as i stated above nin moves away after s6 for a bunch of reasons. 1) thanks obama 2) a big part of what contributed to her suicidal ideations n such was the fact that deep down she didnt ACTUALLY know what she wanted to do w her life. u may be like she doesnt. want to be a doctor ? NO she doesnt thats just what she did to get money to eventually do what she wants. whatever that is. something something feeling lost in life and unable to reach a goal when u dont even know what the goal is something something. also persistent depressive disorder but like spoon in kitchen.

idk what shes gonna end up doing after she moves but id imagine she shows up for house's funeral so i cant just be like lol nobody gets to know! im thinking painter but idk IDK guys her lore is ROUGH

thats it if u have questions ill answer thanks

[icefang111]

Commented this in a youtube video but I wanna share it here cause more people should hear it, actually. (also op of the video was really nice about it once I pointed it out so wanna share it w more people)

"I’m actually really sad about your take on Izutsumi’s ‘picky eating’ esp after the praise for how Laios’s autism was handled. It was honestly so refreshing, when it's so often dismissed as childish, to see Izutsumi get treated with respect for it and have it accommodated as best they could. So often these things are glossed over in shows, and for a bit I thought our only take on it would be Marcilles cultural food hangups which would be treated as a flaw to be overcome. So seeing Izutsumi, and that the story would actually address this topic for once was… amazing, if scary as idk how it’ll be handled fully yet. I have a lot of difficulties with food from a lot of underlying mental health issues, most other ‘picky eaters’ do too (I’m sure Izutsumi with her cat nose and tongue and many on the spectrum can relate to the sensory hell certain foods can be, as one example). It's always been a huge source of shame and serious difficulty in my life, particularly because so many people view it the way you do in this review. With ridicule and seeing it as unreasonable, as just choosing to be difficult. But asking me or Izutsumi to “just get over it” because it's not convenient right now is every bit as unreasonable as asking Laios to “just take the hint/read the room”. It's just this behavior is from a disorder you don’t respect.

Sure yes it causes problems! Of course it would, disabilities do that! But honestly, as an anime only, I deeply hope that while Izutsumi becomes less selfish, she DOESN’T stop being a picky eater. That those two things are decoupled from one another! I am so sick of seeing it portrayed as some character flaw people just have to get over whenever it actually comes up. Having someone who doesn’t stop being a 'picky eater' but still has a healthy and respected relationship with food, in a show so focused on the philosophy and morality of food, would be amazing. I don't know if that's how the story will take it, but I hope it does. I'd be really sad to see it treated as a childish flaw here.

All this to say: seeing Izutsumi treated with respect for what food she can and can't eat, and through being treated with respect starting to work with Senshi and doing what she could to compromise, was every bit as therapeutic for me as the Laios/Shuro fight was for those on the spectrum. And I just wish people would treat that with a bit more respect and understanding."

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

cw / ed

it’s just hard for me to genuinely believe u care as much as u say when u keep making “jokes” even after ive explained to u so many times how much it hurts me OVER and OVER when i HATE opening up to ppl so even setting tht boundary was hard asf!!!😭😭😭 u know how hard i worked to get in recovery and how it’s been even harder to actually STAY there. u know all the stories abt how my disorder tore my relationship w my family and my old friends about. yet u constantly say triggering shit ON A LOOP EVERY DAY with no fucking warning. bc i had the audacity to be vulnerable for once in my fucking life and open up to u abt my insecurities? then u say my trust issues in general are unfounded and “crazy” when U PERPETUATE THEM. just say u liked me better when i was sicker at this point instead of beating around the bush. for fucks sake

and these r supposed to be my ppl, the closest friends i’ve ever had in my life yet they constantly make me so uncomfortable with the things they say abt my habits and the tidbits they know abt my struggles w mental health. they’re so so great otherwise but then there’s this and no matter how much i explain it they never stop? it hurts so much. and it comes in sprees too; where they just basically bully me constantly for a week and i hav no idea where it came from or how to stop it. i don’t want to let a few idiotic comments interfere wifh all the progress i’ve made but fuck. i decide to treat myself w a lil dessert and there’s a comment. i walk outside in literally any outfit and it’s “oh u better lay off the [whatever food they saw me eating recently] or that’s not gonna fit anymore lol!” i genuinely. don’t understand. iv explained to them hey im in recovery from anorexia after multiple years of struggling w it, ik it’s just jokes to u guys but it really hurts me. nope nothing. the running gag in the friend group is basically that im fat and ugly. that’s their favorite bit nd when they remember how funny it is Oh am i in for a long couple of weeks.

and idk maybe they dont mean it. maybe they rly just think it’s funny; maybe they think there’s nothing wrong w my body so commenting on it is a funny joke bc of the contrast but idrc honestly. one of them even HAS body dysmorphia (and knows i do too!) and STILL does it. like shouldn’t you understand how fucking DAMAGING tht is? its all so hurtful to me in so many ways nd i can’t stop thinking about it. they know i struggle w sh and suicidal thoughts too yet keep this up. like shouldn’t u know that’s gonna make it worse??? i don’t rly have any interest in seeing them if this keeps up. i don’t wanna eat around them or even exist around them if they keep doing this. i feel rly sick. i don’t want to think this is genuinely how my best friends feel abt me and they think it’s ok but. :( i can’t help it. i rly don’t know what to think

[draculagerard]

u asked for it so i am HERE to tell u about the netflix tv show never have i ever......except im not going to explain Everything super concisely bc i already have a hard enough time trying 2 explain the complexities of devi vishwakumar when my brain is Actually working but rn i am running on three hours of sleep, an energy drink that partially sprayed out of my nose, and some sour punch straws but i am going to do my best to like. idk explain it. apologies in advance bc this got so long im SO sorry. ANYWAY. never have i ever. its about a first-generation indian american girl named devi and she is like. well. not cool. her n her friends are called the "UN" which they thought meant united nations bc they're all woc but no it means unfuckable nerds. and the person who coined the term unfuckable nerds? one ben gross, aka devi's longstanding academic rival. do u see where this is going yet? great. wonderful. devi spends most of season 1 chasing after this jock paxton (who. we do love. just not with devi.) and imploding all of her personal relationships in an attempt to Not Feel the grief of her father dying. at one point she even tells her mom that she wishes her mom died instead of her dad (ouch, but also, been there). atp devi's friends, the other members of the UN, are taking a "friend break" bc she was. well kind of a bitch. so she moves in w ben (rival) for like a week and then he drives her, unlicensed, to where her mom is spreading her dads ashes and then she goes back up to the car and they go "you stayed" "yeah i just wanrted to make sure you were okay" and then KISS. KISS!!!!!!! but then paxton (jock) also likes her so she dates BOTH of them and then implodes on her and they both break up with her. and then she accidentally spreads a rumor around the school about ben's new girlfriend having an eating disorder which ends up being true. and then paxton (jock) dates her again. and then they break up after like 3 months and ben's new girlfriend (aneesa) also breaks up w ben same day and then ben and devi are like. besties for a bit. devi dates a new guy des who honestly should probably be in a relationship with his own mom instead and then he dumps her bc of his mom and THEN. after all of this. ben jokingly gives devi a "one free boink" card. (was it really a joke ben was it i dont think so!!!!) and. at paxton's graduation he sort of mentions devi but not by name and the narrator (which, i should mention the narrator for devi's inner monologue is american tennis player john mcenroe) says she doesnt get stomach knots!!! but then she and ben share an like an intimate moment in the hall and mcenroe says "there's the stomach knots" like!!!!! and THEN later that night!!!!! she goes to ben's house!!!!!!1 and redeems the one free boink card CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!! and thats where season 3 ends....

season 4 comes out in THREE DAYS and weve gotten SOOOO many spoilers for the first two episodes which (if anyone who watches never have i ever is still reading this and doesnt want spoilers please sotp reading) we find out that ben and devi DID boink and that they both thought iut was like?? bad foir the other person??? and ben just didnt know what to say so he asked if she needed him to call an uber like ben WHAT. as rae @ice-sculptures put it "can you believe that ben gross not knowing what to say after fucking led to the whole spiral of miscommunication lmfao" like they just DONT TALK devi tries to ask if he wanted to get coffee and he says NO because a basketball player at the gym told ben that devi wasnt serious about him because she put a period in the text or somethjing?? so instead he goes and dates this girl from art class margot and devi sees ben with her on the first day of school and gets. well upset. and then someone spray paints "STUPID BITCH" on devi's car and of course she thinks its margot!!!! (but shhhh it wasnt....it was actually this kid ethan....more on him later) and then like other stff happens im not super clear about that but basically at some point ben tells devi that margot doesnt want ben talking to devi anymore :( i dont rlly know much else past that i think thats where s4e2 ends??? but we do know that devi ends up DATING that ethan kid at some point but. sooo many things point to ben/devi endgame esp bc her other main love interest (paxton, the jock) is now STAFF at their high school so like?? i dont think they're going that route but im just. dsjfkhjsad SO EXCITED except i cannot watch s4 the day it comes out bc i will be seeing waterparks which. im so excitred for but also WHYYY do they have to be on the same day

i feel like i didnt explain this very well and left out a lot of like pivotal ben/devi moments but im sitting here jus.t typing and not rereading any of this im. So sorry that this is as long as it is jkhsddfsd thank u for reading this and. if u didnt read it i dont blame u szdkjhdfsakd

WOW OKAY HOLY FUCK A LOT GOING ON THERE HUH????? HELLO.

Okay okay key notes:

I already like Devi and I haven't even watched the show.

WHAT THE FUCK IS BEN DOING HELLOOOO. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM DSFJJFD

by boink im assuming it means fuck right. cause like i've never euphemism in my life

THEY END S3 LIKE THAT ?? FWERLJW

oh LORD devi's complex relationship with her mom okay i hear it

bro the miscommunication sounds SOOO bad... like they cannot communicate properly even once huh 😭

devi ends up dating WHO now???? first the guy who gave them the name un and then the stupid bitch dude?? HELP....

IT COMES OUT IN 3 DAYS??? oh shit good luck??!!

OMG youre gonna go to a Waterparks show????? have fun holy shit

anyways are you kidding ofc i read the whole thing i NEED media rants rn

[crymeariveronceagain]

Ah this is awkward. Um.

You're like, gray aroace right? I'm pretty sure I'm fully aroace (as in has never had a crush sexually or romantically) and idk if I wil at some point but whatever.

Anyway, so like, I was talking w my friend - and like, I have two people I really consider 'friends', who I'd always like... kind of imagined spending my life with ig? Like not romantically, but in a 'you're my best friend and how can I ever stop caring about you' way. And so my friend was talking about how they really want to find love and get married and like...

My other friend also talks about finding a gf and all that and basically the point is they both talk about how they're so scared they'll never find 'love' and 'move on'. And the thing that terrifies me is they're like moving on from when, other than familialy, our platonic relationships were ig most important? Like, they will never value these bonds as much as I do. They'll leave me behind for romantic partners and I'm so scared I'll have to force myself into loving someone that way just so I don't get left behind. It's hard enough with my parents, and I'm so scared of losing them, but I'm going to because I'll never matter as much to them as they do to me.

I think that was the moment it really clicked for me 'I'm different' and I don't know what to do.

Hi darling!!!!

First of all, I don't identify as any manner of ace or aro. They're not comfortable terms to me, and it's taken me a long while to get to a place where I can actually, like. Write that? I used to identify as ace, but I don't anymore. Primarily because it became such a huge anxiety trigger for me. And, honestly, it still kind of is. The entire question of my sexuality makes me feel like throwing up, a little. Not mad about it or anything, and not offended either(you can assume whatever you want about me) but, anyways. I love you <3

So, like. I'd like to start off with saying a couple things.

First and foremost, your perception of friendships is completely normal, actually. So many people today, and I mean this honestly, have a disordered perception of the value of relationships. So often they set friendships on back burner, and instead focus on romantic relationships. And, actually. I'll tell you why.

Friendships are so, so, so valuable.

With any luck, any person can find a lover. In fact, most people without much work can swipe right a few times and get everything they want out of that situation.

But a friendship? A real, whole, true one?

Stars, you're lucky if you get one in your whole life.

There is something beautiful, soul-quenchingly holy and wonderful about true friendships, about kindred spirits. There is something so endlessly pure about loving a person not even for some kind of romantic pursuit, but just for the hell of it. For the hell of loving. For the hell of living. For the hell of understanding, for the hell of breathing, for the hell of sharing. There's something so infinitely beautiful, and there's something scary.

Because true friendship doesn't ask for anything but companionship and patience, for the mutual care of someone. That's all it wants, and that's its end. That's the goal of friendship. Mutual care. Patience. Companionship.

Romance asks for more than that.

But true friendship is one of the most pure loves.

The ancient Greeks called it Philia.

C. S. Lewis said, about it, in his book The Four Loves(100% recommend you read this at some point.) "“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

That's a beautiful, amazing thing right there. It's like philosophy, it's like art. It's brilliant. It's lovely.

Now, all that to say, that if friendship is like art, you are not different or new to value it as you do. It means you have a natural predilection, maybe, to value it as you do, just as some people are naturally disposed to art or philosophy, or even to romance.

On to the specifics about your friends. If your friends don't value you like you value them, they're kind of crappy friends.

Because even a desire for a relationship should not change the love they have for you. Even being in a relationship should not decrease their care for you.

It took me a while to learn this, and in fact it's through the love of my best friend that I have learned this. I had friends, when I was in high school, who abandoned me, repeatedly, for each other. They treated me like I was disposable. Like my existence didn't matter. I'd have died for them. They wouldn't have died for me.

But then, I met the girl I'd call my "bosom friend--an intimate friend, you know--a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my innermost soul. I've dreamed of meeting her all my life. I never really supposed I would, but so many of my loveliest dreams have come true all at once that perhaps this one will, too. Do you think it's possible?"(Anne Of Green Gables, by L. M. Montgomery)

She's in a relationship, set to be married, actually, now.

But the thing is, I have never once questioned her love for me. I've never once had to. She's never made me feel like I didn't matter to her. I even brought it up, once. That I would always expect to be second to her husband-to-be, and she said we weren't on the same playing field, so to speak. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it's settled, deeply in my soul. It was something along the lines of, He's my boyfriend, but you're my best friend. It made me cry, nearly.

She's my best friend, and she values me like I value her.

So, I've got to tell you.

If they do not love you like you love them.

They're not the people you want to line your dreams up with.

Believe me. If you believe nothing else I say, believe me on this.

You want people who love you just as fiercely as you love them.

They should value the bond as much as you do. Don't settle for less. Find friends who will fight and die for you. If they won't, you can do better. Find friends who are willing to love you. Find friends who want you in their futures.

Really, dearest, this has very little to do with sexuality.

Ik it sounds dumb, because why wouldn't it?

But this is about friendship. It's about this stupid world we live in refusing to place emphasis on friendship. Stars, compare it to art! How would you feel if people went "Art is kind of stupid, we don't need it to live, so there's very little point to maintaining it or making more or making the stuff that sticks in your ribs and makes breathing hard." Like, that's what society has said about friendship!

It's been so greatly reduced, so greatly destroyed, so corrupted by the media and by hook up culture and by the concept even that friendship doesn't matter unless you're gonna date eventually.

Literally, what the heck is up with that?

It's so stupid and pointless you don't understand.

We live in a world that destroys and degrades friendship on an altar of romance.

My best friend's brother once heard her tell me she loved me and he called us gay. That's how estranged we are from a world that respects friendship. Brothers crack jokes that burn and make you wonder if you're doing something wrong by expressing something so simple as love.

I still tell her I love her. I call her beautiful. Lovely. She does the same for me.

We lift each other up, point each other towards where we want to go.

And there is so much hope for our futures in our lives. I'm going to be in her wedding next summer. I want to meet her husband. I want her to meet my future spouse, whoever they are. I want to meet her kids. I want her to meet mine. I want to go to movies with her. I want to eat dinner in her house. I want to meet up for a glass of wine and sit as grandmothers on the same front porch and talk like there's an endless life before us.

My friend wants the same things.

Look.

Darling, dearest anon.

If your friends want to move on from your friendship, they're not the kind of people you want as friends.

Because you deserve to be valued as you value others.

That's just a fact of human existence.

And if these friends want to move on, to step out into the world and leave you behind, to cast aside your friendship for romance, pretend like that's some sort of mutually exclusive relationship, pretend, for even a moment like love is some sort of finite resource, and that they're willing to cast you off like you don't matter in exchange for it.

Not only are they wrong, it's highkey cruel of them.

If they're thinking the friendship is limited, that it's conditional, that it's doomed, or that it's fading, or whatever kind of hula hoops they're jumping through in their heads, that's what it's going to be, because they're striking a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It has nothing to do with you.

You honestly sound like you're the normal, functioning person here.

They sound like they're the ones who are different.

Sure, a point could be argued, I suppose, that in this culture an emphasis on friendship and a platonic love of others is different.

Sure. You could say that you're different because you want to be loved and valued in return. That you love intensely and deeply.

But stars.

Lovely, most beloved anon.

Find new friends.

Ditch these people. I know it's gonna hurt. Friendship breakups hurt more than heartbreaks(I've experienced both, I can attest to this) but if they're not going to love you as you deserve. You are worthy of so much more than this hovering feeling of impending doom. You're worth more than listening to them talk about the romance they want to leave you behind for. You're worth endlessly more than them underappreciating and undervaluing your friendship.

Just walk away.

It's not worth it to love like that. It's unrequited. It's undervalued.

There's a best friend out there for you, I'm sure of it.

Someone who will value you just as much as you value them.

And maybe it will take a while to find them. Maybe you'll have to go through more friendships that aren't valuable enough to the other party.

Who cares.

True friendship exists. True filial love exists. You can find it.

The world probably feels really small, right now. It is not small.

The world is huge. It is full of people.

And you don't need a lot of people. That's another lie.

All you need is one good friend. All you need is one. And you'll be okay.

I never thought I would make friends who actually loved me. And then, I did.

So if a wreck like me can find legitimate friends who love and value me as much as I love and value them, you'll have no problems, dearest.

There are people out there waiting.

There are friendships in the world that you can make.

These two people are not the only two you get.

I swear it to you.

[besidesitstoowarm]

series 3 retrospective

martha jones. you were fantasic.

this season is like evenly split between half garbage and half genius. "blink" is easily one of the best episodes the show has ever put forth in 60 years; penis dalek. really nothing else to say there! sally sparrow and penis dalek. woag... the beauty of the world

i've said it in previous retrospectives but martha really got the short end of every single stick here. there were some HUGE shoes to fill in the first post-rose companion (even worse w catherine tate for the christmas special too!) and it's certainly not that i think freema agyeman can't fill them! i love martha! but the "colorblind" vibes of the casting really don't help. first black companion (sorry not counting mickey) and she's the doctor's rebound.

i'm not even sure what the solution is. i WANT to say that they could have the romantic aspect initially (they have some chemistry in "smith and jones") and maybe it would naturally peter out through the season? like she'd get to know him better and realize actually no thanks? "human nature" is kind of late in the season but it would be a really good environment for martha to go ACTUALLY i'm over your ass goodbye. idk i love her SO much but no matter what "first companion after rose" was ALWAYS going to be a hard sell, let alone "also romantically interested in the doctor" LET ALONE first black companion!! martha deserves better. in my mind she dates river.

i think the reason i love this season so much (besides martha my beloved martha) is that it suffers from "star wars prequels disorder" which is like, fantastic ideas hamfisted by a moron at the helm (also racism) like hooverville is a fantastic dw setting! understandable to modern audience but also thematically resonant. again i say this story makes more sense w cybermen than daleks BUT taking the "upgrade your abilities or die" and compounding it w the great depression is amazing!! bad story tho quite bad. "lazarus experiment" had so many points to make!! but the scorpion king was there. sad!

and of course. the goddamn master is here. again i must say, i KNOW they had crazy gay sex offscreen. this finale is easily my fave until s10 with the mondassion cybermen (<3 <3 <3). i honestly couldn't really explain why. the camp? the hobbit doctor and the world's worst cgi? whatever mental illness lucy saxon has they didn't explore? martha jones saving the world?? all of the above??

i really do love this season. for all the missteps, i do appreciate the work they DID put into miss martha jones and the weird relationship she had w the doctor. if it's true she returns for the 60th my dick is going to explode. there are some highkey BANGERS and some losers, which is always to be expected. i wish martha luck on completing her residency and look forward to DONNA NOBLE (and her granddad)

[girlfromplut0]

a short letter

hi friends ! wanted 2 share a couple thoughts nd ideas with u if thats alright . ive been finding it really hard to connect with people lately , everyone seems so far away . idk if its dissociation from ptsd or just growing apart but it feels like there is a lot of distance between me n a lot of ppl in my life . n idk thats a bit strange . i feel like a stranger in a lot of places where i used 2 feel like an important piece . i suppose thats what happens when u grow , some things make less sense but eventually things will make sense again . most things dont make sense anymore honestly . even typing this i dont really feel real . dissociation has been really hard for me . after getting out of an abusive relationship its been hard to feel how i think things used to feel (and even on tumblr im kind of scared of saying those words out loud, im really afraid of that person even though i dont want to let that fear control me). idk ptsd is really scary . its not like anything ive faced before in my life . people tell me it gets easier and i believe them but a part of me is scared that things just keep making less and less sense . but in another way , every problem you face u have the wisdom and growth of every problem u have faced before at ur back . i used to have an eating disorder but cooking has become a super important part of my life , and i think im really good at it and its been rewarding to share that with my mom and people i love . im the highest weight ive ever been in my entire life and ive for the most part overcome my disorder and eating related trauma . so even if im sad and disconnected from people , at least i am giving my body the fuel it needs to continue living . i haven't spoken about really any of this in public and i guess this kind of secret tumblr acc feels safe for me to be a bit more candid and long form for once . i can't really use twitter in that way anymore , mainly for boundaries and mental health reasons . but yeah i guess a lot of things have been strange lately . idc if nobody rly gets my music anymore . even if it doesnt appear to be , if u see it as jus being like flexing or some shit whatever , it is like a deep expression of a lot of emotions im feeling . n i dont feel the need to explain it 2 anyone i prefer 2 let my art speak for itself . my art is the only place i feel like i can be free and honest and genuine nd create something that is a true expression of myself and that matters more 2 me than anything else . a lot of ppl i kno wld be lost w/o seeing a bunch of numbers . but when u making music for someone else u have already lost , u have chosen to surrender your space to what u are guessing someone else wants . no truly meaningful art can come from a place like that . sharing a little song i made , was produced by maiden who is an incredibly talented and kind soul nd i will link their sc under this u should listen 2 their songs ! im not sure if this song will ever be a part of something larger but since u read my long rambling thing i wanted 2 share one of my favorite songs ive made , in case its never on anything else . thank u for caring about my art and supporting me. often the love i feel from all of you overpowers the discord in my mind. and even if my art is made for myself, seeing that this expression of myself connects with so many people is deeply deeply meaningful to me. im excited and incredibly grateful for the opportunity to connect with as many of you as i can during tour next month. if you see me around before or after the show feel free to say hi, your support means so so much. i love you - meadow (pluto)

[the-land-of-eternal-winter-novel]

6, 15, 16 for radek and svetlana

Ok buckle up

6. Purpose in story

Radek: pointing Anatoliy on the straight and narrow path mostly. I'd say the relationship between Anatoliy and Radek is one of the most important if not the most important in this novel. The relationship being, namely, family to enemies to real friends. Family as in, Radek is married to Sveta, Anatoliy's sister, therefore the two are brothers-in-law. But Radek is 10 ish years older than Anatoliy, which means he knew him since his tween years. So in a way they really were like a brother duo. But then Anatoliy kills Vaidas who guess what, was extremely important to Radek too (as per draft 2 "retcon", they are step-brothers). So obviously with this level of betrayal they are in some sense "enemies". And Radek is obviously extremely torn because the situation he has been forced into is "older wiser lowkey dad figure older brother was killed by annoying immature but otherwise cute uwu baby little brother". (This is what gets established within like the first 3 ish chapters, and the plot goes on from there). So his character arc is mostly in relation to Anatoliy but ofc not only (he is also in conflict with his mother, who nowadays is too eager to get involved in political intrigue).

Sveta: her purpose in the story revolves around her role as monarch. Afanasiy being dead, she has to ascend to the throne etc. But ofc a lot of stuff goes down and she isn't able to rule her country in peace (and honestly not even rule her country at all because her uncle Grigoriy is lowkey seeking to usurp the throne). Her character arc ofc is relation to several characters. Afanasiy: she compares herself to him a lot (but she will ofc find out that he's not flawless either). She has to become more of a real leader, and so far she has the technical skills and the principles but what she lacks the most (and frankly Afanasiy too) is courage. Anatoliy: she is obviously very conflicted between the natural instinct to defend her baby brother and the knowledge that justice has to be done at some point (especially since she represents the country!). That plus dealing with what is basically an anxiety disorder (I'd even say outright OCD) in a time + place in which psychiatry is not very valued, risking outing herself as "insane".

(I'll have to work on this more in draft 2 but ofc part of their character arcs also involves their relationship to each other. And the way they parent their kids will be more relevant too)

15. Five personality traits each

Radek: extroverted, optimistic, funny, confident, honest

Sveta: introverted, overthinker, disciplined, diplomatic, patient

16. How they became a character

Oh like the behind the scenes?

So Sveta was there since draft 0 as the Rightful Ruler needing to be brought back

Early sketches:

I introduced Radek after finishing draft 0 but by the time I wrote draft 1 he had a well defined place in the narrative. At first he was supposed to be a friend of Kęstas' (and get killed off!), and was supposed to be only rumoured to be in a relationship w Sveta etc. Then in draft 1 Kęstas is his brother and Sveta his wife etc. In draft 2 Vaidas is Radek's step-brother so Kęstas would be somewhat of a nephew but whatever. His marriage to Sveta will be more developed (as well as the way he parents the kids vs how she does it).

Early sketches:

In terms of basic appearance and personality type, and idk if to be ashamed of this or just embrace it, the two were basically based off these Hetalia characters:

(Because the whole of draft 0 was actually based on a Hetalia fanfic go figure - if you are curious about this whole backstory search the tag "#draft 0.5" on this blog. The main ship being aph!Lithuania and aph!Belarus, which in my draft 0 became Kęstas and Elena. Yes that means Anatoliy was literally based on the little psycho that is aph!Russia. And Sveta the wise older sister figure was based on aph!Ukraine. And guess what very obscure ship I recently found at the time of writing draft 0??? Yeah exactly early Radek was based on aph!Poland. Lmao. Insert domino meme: me being a Hetalia fan in early 2019 ... skips a few steps... in 2022 working on draft 2 aka rewriting + adding to my already 120k draft 1 of my novel with original characters etc)

[shjayd]

1st post not via iPhone 🤨

ok... i'm typing this from my laptop. i like you enough to download you to my laptop, Tumblr! 😉 i don't think i can even edit any of my font or anything, so that part sucks (if in reality i can't), so i'd say app via iPhone > Windows when it comes to you, #TUMBLR <- idk if that will even tag in the middle of my post/only at the end.

GOTTA START SOMEWHERE.

previous text complaint: taken back

it's time to get this started ⌚ i heard about you from the Netflix true-crime documentary, Hotel Cecil or w/e, & the thought of posting my thoughts like a social journal (among some other things I've ran across or made self - i like to do calligraphy and hand lettering. i've became creative AFTER getting clean AFTER getting pregnant with my daughter. i always was, i guess the drugs took that part of my imagination away? i'm also obsessed with astrology. if you ask me, i'm a professional astrologer 🔮🌙✨..🤥🫤😤

Taurus Sun, Taurus Moon, and Rising Gemini... i know. a SCARY, yet BEAUTIFUL mEsS. ❤️‍🩹 i'm also very educated in mental health. from personally, to genetics, family and friends, to past work experience. i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (BPD) after my HORRIFYING encounter with Post-Partum Depression, PPD, (although i've most likely suffered from my BPD since a very young age. my mother and brothers who lived with me all of my life would agree). i just never took, nor wanted to take, what my mom and family dr. told me a/b therapists & referrals to psychiatrists anywhere near serious. i honestly thought everyone felt/acted the way i did with both my lowest of lows & highest of highs 🤯… to me, it was always “this is what everyone has to go through. this is life. this is life… everyday”.

i'm a twin, my mother & i are as close as they come (it’s scary b/c I know she won’t be here forever, & both my daughter i I NEED her. forever). her EVER leaving us is another thing I refuse to even think a/b. NEXT SUBJECT;

yes, DADDY ISSUES 🙄 i was the wildest teenager into my late 20s. that was all until i FINALLY realized my self-worth & left my toxic, to say the LEAST, ex-gf, FOR GOOD, & ended up with my life-long best friend's brother, who i've been close, actually very close with, ever since i met his sister when we were ~10-years-old. he saved me. then our daughter came at the most perfect time to save us, as we started to go down that path holding hands. i'm DEF. not going to go into depth, y'all would drown, if you haven’t already.

*the specifics are overrated with no existing relevant meanings here*

i've been on this Earth for ✨almost✨ thirty whole fucking years. yes, i typed out the word, b/c I now have this BURSTING animosity for the number 3, however, 4 is mine. my best best friend is a 2-year-old, teeny chonk, only 2 years old, more dramatic than me, sassy-ass, genius COVID baby. (she was conceived in 2019, so, that was... a.. normal different?) she's 28, ✨ALMOST✨ 29-months-old. her name isn't important, so I'll just refer to her as 'quack'.. 🦆

..............🥰🥰🥰

we live together with her daddy - minez first 🏃🏼‍♀️🥇😂 - my other best friend. (〃￣︶￣)人(￣︶￣〃) •i also enjoy: "adult" coloring books, THC, journaling, Amazon Prime, the little things, elephants, my vape, bullet journaling, bellly laughing, my dishwasher, baby clothes, wood-burning, doodling, Hulu, ACKNOWLEDGMENT, roses WITH sunflowers 🌹🌻, ORCHIDS, my desk, ear-buds, Aaron Hernandez, my little space on earth instead of the internet - my desk & sketchbook, & ANYTHING organizational/cleaning... •i dislike: Scorpios, fantasy movies/series like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones - sorry, not sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️ - shitty parents, mornings, Karens, uppers, Instagram, judgmental humans, my fingernails when they aren't done, & typos. I have a love/hate relationship with Pisces, both male & female 🐠 i'm as blunt & unfiltered as they come. oh, & you can't hurt my feelings (a big s/o to my past traumas). i'm.. an opened, closed book... if that makes any sense to you? now go ahead & try to break down my walls to get to know the real me! i’m the best friend you could ever have! 🤞🏼😸🥳 OKAY! that's enough for now. follow me, & let's get to learn more about e/o & our little spaces on the internet. if you've made it this far 🙂 i'm going to stfu now. (didn’t lie a/b a thing. told you i tend to start rambling. bad.)

• i want to leave you all something pretty to look @ as a preview of what this journey entails💭

[elaichoi]

tw: bit of discussion on mental health [diagnoses]; talks of depression/major depressive disorder, [social] anxiety, panic disorder, mention of agoraphobia, god idek tbh im sorry

YES LOL THEY WERE ANNOYING TO DO BUT $5 GIFTCARDS N SHIT ^_^ nooo i almost never did the surveys cus i get random emails and thats annoying and they also take forever,, so i only did the ones where u have to download whatever app (usually a game) they tell u to, use it for x amt of seconds/minutes (i forget) and u go back to the app and it gives u points or whatever that u redeem for giftcards! that's how i got superimpose actually 😭 edit tutorial accs would promote their code for that app/site (i don't remember what its called im not gatekeeping i swear) bc using their code gives both u and them extra points,,, and i wanted superimpose so i gave it a try and well what do u know 🥰🥰

my mental health story is kind of long and redundant and not that exciting so i shall spare u,,, well actually i rewrote this 383299 times bc i ended up trauma dumping i think... so um basics i got depressed my freshman yr of highschool, time skip- got diagnosed w depression, generalized anxiety disorder & agoraphobia, which the agoraphobia turned to be a misdiagnosis and i went somewhere else and got rediagnosed w panic disorder. child of a generational trauma that my asian parents do not think exist🫶 i alr knew a lot (90%) of my anxiety was social anxiety but i did not receive that diagnosis until this year. i lost my panic disorder diagnosis yay! andddd also got a diagnosis for major depressive disorder which was kind of an 'ohhhh' moment for me bc a lot of times i felt like antidepressants made me a lot better i felt cured lmfao i was hardly ever depressed,, except i sometimes get depressive episodes and im still struggling w the symptoms of depression that is not depression itself...if that makes sense...those symptoms being memory issues!! quick act surprised!! focus issues, i procrastinate a lot now.... which is important bc before all of this i was a very.. is high-functioning the right term? i genuinely dk if that's a term im supposed to be using,, but basically i was like top of the class student, always on-time and organized, never procrastinated, always remembered everything, i guess kinda type A personality lmao,,,, and now i am not 😃

im probably forgetting some other key stuffs but its okie,,,,, probably irrelevant but ive always been a fairytale hopeless romantic except a dumb long-term relationship got thrown into the middle and peak of my mental health mess (who told me that was a good idea 👺) has made me v antiromantic if u will 💀💀 i girlbossed myself into thinking im wise emotionally but i honestly am v v naive and sensitive and i will be a crybaby if snri's allow me to at that moment 👍

i used to be v smart but im kinda v dumb now but im also kinda trying to get back up again bc i feel? like im slowly improving in general? idk tbh,,, idk what im doing 😁

erm im v sorry this was very mentally unseggsy of me 😗 can u tell i have no concept of oversharing im so sorry for clogging your feed, qiwis followers pls forgive 🙇‍♀️

wbu? same question u asked me on mental health n cognitive functions ^^ only if ur comfortable answering ofc!

i think u could do it if u rlly wanted to, again u talent/hobby vacuum 👺 /j maybe like for blog milestone or something would be an excuse for a one-time video edit then you wouldn't have to continue if u don't want to ? hmm

whenever i didn't have ideas i would like choose a specific edit i rlly liked and use the same audio and like ""recreate"" it (not to post, its just for me & practice purposes lol). like the editor wouldve already split the audio for transitions and stuff so you can split your audio according to the transitions in their edit and add ur own clips over top. u can try to imitate their transitions or do ur own or whatever. i like doing that to practice bc it gives me somewhere to start! idk that's what worked for me personally,, just an idea for if u ever feel up for it no pressure!!

i don't think i could get into the video editing scene again bc i would want to progress to be a good editor and be confident ab my edits but capcut makes me insecure lol bc if everybody can do it then why should i take the time to grow and progress 😗 (that makes me sound like a pick me but again.. its similar to like ai replacing real working humans yk..😭😭)

my relationship ramble thingy ^ means that i also i love angst and making myself cry 😍😍🫦🫰 crack anything is 1000% your brand ‼️

omg yea real life inspo for ur reincanation aus ☺️ ehehe BUT YAY I LOOK FORWARD TO UR REPLIES SM HAVE UR NOTIFS ON LOLL i love talking to u! <3 consentual kisses! ^_^

wait....did we get engaged and/or married here,,,,,,,, on ur nsfw acct FJDJSK😭💀

oh my god i never tried that but i think there were some apps fr that were like ah yes get this free version and then watch a few ads and get one or two watermark free edits per day. BROOO THSI BRINGS BACK SO SO SO MANY MEMORIES!! (i think i rarely did that bc i was one lazy mf also vindictive so i did what i could to work with free apps)

life really tossed you like a salad damn baby I'm sorry you had to go through all that LIKE YOU COULDN'T CATCH A BREAK oh my god bro it seems like you kinda burned out? if that makes sense? because im sure a lot of things were expected of you ( asian parents here too also BRO THEY DONT think trauma EXISTS!) im glad you're getting better bit by bit HERE'S TO GETTING EVEN BETTER IN THE UPCOMING DAYS!!! we will kick mental illness's ass together lmao!

tbh third world country so never really got diagnosed properly but like most of my time i was suffering from. depression i was gaslit into thinking I'm just being whiny and uts not depression and because of this i developed repressive emotions where NOW it's my own turn where i refuse to acknowledge any kind of shit that happened to me like theres a sense of embarrassment where i can't like outright say like yeah this, and this happened to me because I don't anyone's "pity" and some huge ass shit happened to my family which made me haha something i cant say on here but im like over that now ( lol i need to go therapist for this) but yeah OH and I get the depressive episodes because i get that too oh my god like for weeks but my best friend once gave me, like just feel the emotions and let it pass like sure it will feel like a tractor running u over but it will get over and then one day you will take that shower and brush ur hair and feel a lil better!!!!

ooh but LIKE TUMBLR video platform sucks ass but i really like the idea omg i will think it through!!!

BRO NO WAY CAUSE I DID THAT TOO BUT LIKE WITH edits lmao but you're so freaking TALENTED DO YOU KNOW THAT?! i will have to try it I think with all thr tiktok edit trends now it's become easier to do those things i actualky tried to do some of it for my friends bday and it's coming up again so ill have to try!!!

okay but even if capcut exists which I think in a way is kind of good for people who loved editing but couldn't edit bc they couldn't work with, or afford fancy softwares yk but you can't deny the polishness that alight motion or vs will give you. you can't outdo the doer 💅🏼💅🏼 so you really should give it a try!!

you're SO SWEET I LOOK FORWARD SM TO YOUR ANONS TOO LIKE I ONLY COME HERE TO CHECK FOR YOUR ANONS LMAO i love talking to you too 🤭🤭

we're already married,, yes on nsfw kinda on theme don't you think so??

[system-of-a-feather]

Small little coping with DID tip that really isn’t the huge trauma focused one, but really try to have some light hearted pointless fun with your parts from time to time. Do stupid shit and do “cool things” that aren’t usually possible if you didn’t have the disorder given it is safe and comfortable and all parties involved are completely free to participate or not participate as they like.

Cause some people would be like “WOW YOU DONT TAKE THIS SERIOUS TRAUMA DISORDER SERIOUSLY?! YOU ARE DOING XYZ LIKE ITS A GAME” but like honestly? Fuck off XD Like for real.

I - as I’m sure many other systems do - spend like 95% of my life chronically dealing with the minor passive to massively large problems of having the trauma that I have. Don’t get on people’s asses for just trying to make something fun and enjoyable out of a shitty situation and to carve out a bit of humor and enjoyment in an otherwise chronic grind against trauma shit.

Like honestly as a part, one of the things that helped kinda keep the system together and feel included - even with how much they ALL grumble about it - was how regularly I would leave notes and ask them to do stupid things like take and report personality quizzes, or take a selfie to compare faces, picrews, or idk, a lot of stupid tasks and games and quizzes really.

Its a small thing but having those part-to-part casual interactions / participation not only kind of keeps things light hearted, but it also is kind of a start up corner stone practice skill for working together as a team. Yeah the level of copperation and communication between “Hey everyone I found this cool quiz please report ;w;” and “Okay everyone lets get through college and school together and make a perfect life as a team” is massive, but for parts that there is a lot of dysfunction between, simply participating in the system by taking a silly quiz can be a large step to integrating a part into the overall team which can lead to better relationships and future progress going forward.

But like, secret ace tip. Do some silly stupid fun shit with your system that people might call cringe or “romanticizing it” or whatever. Don’t force anyone to participate. Don’t demand anyone to. Just casually suggest and ask for them to humor it, and see who comes to the table.

Honestly a lot of my requests typically just end up with Ray doing it, and everyone else forgetting / ignoring it - myself included XD But the attempt and sentiment is often what counts.

-Riku (Host)

[bipolarbuttercup]

you know WHAT I’m tired of positivity posts that are just bland ‘you’re valid! You’re good!” like thats nice and all but how about some specifically good things about your disorder here I’ll start with some cool things about being Bipolar (1)

being manic means I start so many projects which means i have a lot of cool skills and arts. no ive never done one for any particularly long time but i end every episode with a new painting or collage or knit scarf or impeccable palace built in minecraft or maxing out the alchemy stat in skyrim and thats pretty cool

Being manic also means that, on the good days, im so fuckin fun at parties and i can make friends easily and im a social butterfly and its absolutely delightful to be filled with giddiness and glee to the point that it feels like your chest will explode because youre just hanging w your friends and making them laugh

being psychotic made me really spiritually aware and while it took some time to adjust and find the difference between delusions and spiritual experiences i have still had some deeply profound and life changing moments thanks to my perceptual distortions, and honestly if i could go back and choose to never have my first psychotic episode i probably wouldnt because its had a ripple effect that ultimately made me a better person and got me the treatment i needed. it was also my spiritual initiation into some typa mystery school that I can’t explain but has been talked about in exactly as vague terms for millennia.

rejection sensitivity dysphoria means im pretty good at noticing when my actions hurt people and if i use that to make myself better (by making note of what hurt me, or what i said that hurt the other person, and addressing that issue by either changing my behavior or talking openly and honestly about it) instead of taking it out on my loved ones, it actually strengthens my relationships instead of damages them

even when im deeply depressed its really hard to find anything good about it but like.... idk man it taught me to appreciate the little things that bring me joy and when i find something that gives me a spark i hold it close to my heart forever. some of the most beautifully happy moments have been in the middle of the worst depressive episodes bc that moment that the clouds part and the sunset sky is pink and heavenly? well.... i live for those moments

anyways... idk this is all to say its not all bad and its not all struggle.

[symptoms-syndrome]

. (Just putting this under a readmore bc it's a half developed thought that I don't want reblogged yet, and bc tumblr's new search system means I can't rant in tags anymore. This is abt introjects and it's kinda mean bc it's my blog and this is a dead dove do not eat situation.)

I feel like. I could make some post about the weird entitlement fictional introject havers in a lot of the DID community online have about the characters they have introjects of, but I'm not in the headspace to handle all the chaos that would inevitably come from making a post like that, and I don't have the patience to make it palatable and coherent right now. It's some weird mix of entitlement, the now-cursed word "parasocial relationships," and IDK something else.

The idea that writers are making bad decisions for not going along with what you as an introject believe to be right, the ridiculous attitude people have towards the fandom of characters people have introjects from, treating introjects like they give your personal headcanons more weight than anyone else's, hijacking people trying to enjoy a media by talking about yourself, making your disorder everyone else's problem by saying people in a fandom always need to account for your (or I guess any) introjects, being weird and rude about people who do or don't like characters you have introjects of, the list could go on.

And the thing is like, a lot of this behavior isn't...harmful to others as much as it is just. Annoying. You could make the argument it's encouraging dissociation etc etc etc but I don't have grounds to stand on w that bc I barely know shit about it. All I know is that it's fucking annoying. And it's not ableist to say it's fucking annoying. I can be annoyed! I want to engage in media I enjoy without people taking things personally. Fictional characters are fictional characters and I can say things about them that would hurt their feelings or be weird/rude to say about a real person because they aren't real.

IDK it just reminds me how I used to run this little discord server for a game I really liked, and ofc people would talk about how they like this character or don't like that one, and at one point there was someone who joined who, every time anyone talked about any character they had an introject of, would act as if we were talking about them directly. And it was annoying! I'm not talking about you!

This isn't to say anything about introjects in and of themselves. I am aware people can't control what parts form, etc etc etc and I'm not here to get into a debate about too many or too recent or whatever whatever introjects, because honestly I do not care. This behavior is the same and has the same impact regardless of whether the person involved is being genuine about having an introject of x character or not. The truth is, an introject is not the same as the character (or person) they're based on (including fanon + the idea of a character,) and you need to be cognizant of context and whether people wanna talk abt ur shit right now. Some of the people go on and on about "fictives are not their source!!! Don't treat my fictives like their source!!!" And then go and treat their own fictives like the source for funsies or whatever and it's honestly exhausting and annoying at best. Not even touching the people who DO ask to be treated like source.

Again not debating legitimacy or anything like that here. Literally just saying this behavior is annoying AF regardless of where it comes from. I'm someone who enjoys participating in some fandoms and sometimes ppl who are fucking weird about introjects make it insufferable. Also not talking abt people who do that sort of thing in their own spaces, do whatever you want on your blog or your group chat or whatever. I'm talking about interacting with the wider fandom community. I participate in fandom for lighthearted fun and sometimes the way people act is like bringing your baby brother to some people playing with dolls and trying to act like they're the same.

[pretty-volatile]

Thursday, November 4, 2021 3:02 am

Lol I haven't posted a journal entry in here since January. Which like to touch up on the situation with my father's wife, still no resolution, but I'm still not happy with her and like whatever I guess. Fuck that. My middle sibling is pan & genderfluid and I'm so happy for them, especially for figuring it out at a much younger age than me which makes me inner child happy too because that's all I want for others, to find themselves. My youngest sibling just got a phone and I adore her as well. They're both like me tbh just at like different stages in my life and I love them so much. Aside from my partner, they're also my reason to keep going because I want a relationship with them that's not just visits, but like they can talk to me whenever about whatever.

But as far as a mental health update: I self diagnosed with autism in like August/September. It started as an advocating for others thing, to finally giving in and realizing that those were some of my own experiences too and I had a little voice in my head about it for a while now, but it wasn't until this year that I really did A LOT of research and self tests and listening to videos and listening to the real life experiences and relating with it a lot to myself.

I still believe I have BPD, but I have cut myself off from people a lot because of the fp/person hyperfixation/social anxiety shit so the most it comes out now is with my partner/at work but I've been working on that and realizing that a lot of it coincides with my autism/ADHD/OCD.

I still think I have bipolar w/ psychosis because even with the meltdowns/shutdowns/burnouts I can still tell that I get manic and I still have to deal coming close to psychosis and my moods still have a sort of cyclical type pattern to them.

I definitely have PTSD/cPTSD. Individual events trauma and then the abuse & masking I've had to endure. Triggers are everywhere, ugh.

I still struggle with my eating disorder. My autism/ADHD really fuck with it though. My interoception is so off.

I most certainly have OCD, but a lot of it overlaps with my autism too.

Oh yeah still have ADHD. Executive dysfunction sucks, time blindness sucks, hyperfixation (at inconvenient times) sucks, etc.

I think it's likely, though not ready to assign the label so to speak, that I could have symptoms of AvPD and DPD. I wouldn't be surprised, there's enough trauma and disabled family history that I could really just be that goofed up. But then some stuff could overlap with the other shit, but honestly all of my disabilities are like knotted together anyway so...

However! On top of discovering that I too have autism, I started paying attention to my gut. Because it started going back to that super stressed out immense pain hurting and realizing that gut issues are a common thing for autistic folx and being like huh. So I started to become more aware of my body and all the pain I was just storing away or something or just ignoring, idk. But I remembered how my anxiety/stress would affect my digestion, but then recently I also noticed how a lot for the symptoms I have...it kind of points to a gluten sensitivity. Possibly even Celiac's. Which really fucking sucks. Because I struggle to eat as it is and now I might have to change my "diet" around to be gluten-free or at least until I can be diagnosed officially at least very little gluten. Yes I know I have to eat my normal amount that I would once they do blood tests. I've also obsessively researched this too. My autism/OCD really coincide when it comes to researching...oh and especially when you sprinkle in some ADHD hyperfixation, oof, off we go, 3 hours later.... Lol. Which I've noticed feeling weak, and I've had a lot of fatigue and joint/muscle pain and headaches, and I've always had skin issues. But I think I may have iron-deficient anemia and I'm probably low on vitamin D since I'm not absorbing nutrients as well. Bruising easily.

I could possibly have POTS, or it could be the anemia. But birth giver has it, so it's possible....

I still think I have endometriosis and my partner pointed out the possibility of PMDD. Birth giver has endo too.

Last but not least, I think it's possible I could have EDS, possible specifically kEDS. While not officially diagnosed, scoliosis has been mentioned by a doctor during a physical and I feel SO much pain in my spine. My knees are fucked up. My shoulders are fucked up, right one has dislocated a few times. My hip pops out of place sometimes. My skin is soft and stretchy, not just loose skin either. My scars do a similar thing that I've seen on others. Sometimes it even feels like my knees give out. I'm double jointed/hyper mobile in my hands, elbows (kinda) and knees. So on and so forth, I'm tired.

But yeah lots of shit. It sucks. I've been overwhelmed/stressed/shutdown/burnt out ever since the quarter started and I haven't been able to attend classes since then with all this pain and gut issues I'm having. Plus the social shit exhausted the ever loving shit out of me.

For the celiac, POTS, and EDS I want to be tested for, which I may consider a formal diagnosis of autism if I'm already doing all that work, idk. It's not as important for me unless it'll help with the other diagnoses.

[angeltrapz]

for the “give me a character” meme! Eric, Adam, William, Mallick, Strahm, Rigg!!!!

YESS thank u!!!!

Eric:

How I feel about this character: That's my boy!!! <33

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Uuuu okay. Adam, obviously, but concerning the SAW polycule: Adam, Art, Lawrence, William, & Mallick!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Him & Rigg!!! That's his best friend!!! + he and Gibson in the Eric Lives AU!! (Gibson IS dating his best friend + recognizes that he's made the effort to change <3)

My unpopular opinion about this character: You Understand This but the idea that he's irredeemable/deserved to die is complete and utter bullshit. This post that you made perfectly describes my feelings on that!!

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: Firstly that he. Y'know. Didn't die. But I would have loved to see any of his interactions with Hoffman? Obviously they knew each other + I like to think they have since they were in academy together, so there's gotta be some sort of history there, y'know?? I feel like he definitely cared about Eric so I would've been very interested to see more regarding that relationship! + one more big one: I wish he knew/was at least made aware of the fact that Daniel was ALIVE and okay. It kills me thinking abt how this man died not knowing if his child made it out.

Adam:

How I feel about this character: I loooove him he deserved better. I relate pretty heavily to him.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Hehe. Lawrence obviously!! Chainshipping is a HUGE comfort ship for me. BUT! Regarding the SAW polycule: Lawrence, Eric, William, Gibson, & Mallick!! + when concerning that alternative canon continuity we've been talking abt, Strahm. But only in that circumstance lol,,

My non-romantic OTP for this character: MANDY!!! In any AU where she's either not a disciple or abandoned her apprenticeship, I firmly believe that he and Amanda would be best friends. Mean gay/lesbian solidarity siblings who would fight tooth and nail for each other + who get each other on a level that not many others can. Pamela also!! Along w Mandy I like to think they talk about their experiences being trans a lot + just bitching w each other lol.

My unpopular opinion about this character: IDK how unpopular this actually is but I 100% believe that Adam would never become a disciple in any capacity, ESP not of his own accord. I genuinely think he'd rather die. That's just not something I can see him doing in any circumstance.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wish someone had gotten him out of the bathroom :( And in an AU where he lives I hope someone tells him what a bastard Zep was!! No one made that dude hold a gun to Diana's head and listen to her heartbeat what the FUCK was that!!

William:

How I feel about this character: He's such a sweetheart I love him,, <33

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Lawrence & Adam <3 in the polycule though this includes Eric & Mallick!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: He and Pamela obviously!! His sister is his best friend and they're there for each other 100%.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Much like Eric I don't think he deserved to die/that he's completely irredeemable... he fights so hard to save everyone and is utterly devastated when he can't. He's willing to hurt himself to save others (nearly dislocating his shoulders trying to keep both Addy and Allen, burning himself with the steam for Debbie, etc.) and it's like. John is always talking about how it can't be personal but it seems pretty fucking personal here!

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: The fact that nobody saw how hard he fought for his coworkers + the sacrifices he made for them upsets me to no end. That was intentional. John didn't want Tara + Brent (or Pamela for that matter!) to see him as human and that fucking bothers me!! So basically I just wish that they could've seen it via camera like literally almost every trap victim gets in some capacity!!

Mallick:

How I feel about this character: Yet another character I relate to wayyy too much <33 I love him...

All the people I ship romantically with this character: BRIT!!! + concerning the SAW polycule: Adam, Eric, William, & Lawrence!! (Art maybe too,,)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: I like to think he and Laura would've gotten along actually? I feel like that would be a good, healthy friendship. And I do like the idea of he and Brit like this too!! Other than that maybe Mandy? I feel like they could relate to each other a little bit, help each other when they're feeling brainweird,, (Mallick n Mandy: havers of Symptoms Disorder <3)

My unpopular opinion about this character: Again I don't know if it's unpopular, persay, but uh. I don't think the Mallick we meet in V would willingly sit and listen to Bobby Dagen in 3D. He'd hate that dude. My take on it is that Brit didn't survive V (although I think read somewhere that the crew confirmed she survived?) and that's why he was there: because he'd lost the one true connection he'd made in god knows how long. That's rlly the only way I see him sitting thru Dagen's bullshit lmao.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wanted him to see Brit again,, and I just wanted to see him more in general tbh, esp because he makes a reappearance where so many prior Jigsaw survivors do not. I would've liked to see him interact with Simone given that they both lost a limb/nearly a limb (in Mallick's case). This is related to that, but I also wish the evidence of the 10 Pints trap wasn't just. A tiny scar? I HC that it took his whole hand, so.

Strahm:

How I feel about this character: Ohhh my beloved. Why didn't they give you a better narrative it would've been SO interesting. I love you though <3

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Honestly? Still super fond of Gibson/Strahm in a scenario where things are different,, I've written quite a bit abt them and kinda want to again but if I do it'll probably be. Not for a while + VASTLY different. but recent additions have been Hoffman (I used to. not understand Stroffman whatsoever. now I Get It) and Adam!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: PEREZ!!! I've always thought of them as best friends since I first saw IV, and I do think he genuinely cared about her - quite a lot, actually, esp given how devastated he was when she was injured. They hang out at each other's apartments all the time + get coffee regularly. I love them.

My unpopular opinion about this character: I don't think he's a dumbass?? I don't know if that's unpopular. I think that he's IMPULSIVE and that it gets him into trouble, but Strahm has always struck me as incredibly intelligent + has a good moral compass for the most part?? I mean, he figured out there was a second apprentice (second as far as he knows, anyway) helping with traps just by examining Kerry's crime scene. I think he's VERY smart. He just acts quickly + sometimes that means there's not much planning for if things go south. (I DO agree that showing up to the packing plant w/out backup was dumb though,, doesn't mean he DESERVED the Water Cube but y'know)

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: It's not really mentioned if he does in canon, but I wish he'd been made aware of the fact that Perez was alive,, it bothers me that he might've died not knowing she was okay. The other thing is that I wish he'd survived V!!! I think it would've been WAY more narratively satisfying for him to kinda follow in Tapp's footsteps as a vigilante Jigsaw hunter. (That's why I love yr takes on him so much!!)

Rigg:

How I feel about this character: He has such a big heart. He cares so so much. I wish ppl talked about him more :(

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Gibson!!! And uhh Hoffman, but they're exes,, but! In a scenario I'm kind of going over in my head, maaaybe Adam... the basics though is that he searches the Nerve Gas House independently and somehow finds the Bathroom following II, and He is the one to rescue Adam. Very tentative abt that one though bc I'm still working it out lol. (Possibly Eric/Adam/Rigg???)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Eric!!! His best friend <3 I think he's also pretty close with Kerry, though I think he hangs out w her independent of Eric given,, the messy ex situation. I think he probably got along well with Fisk too!! OH and I think he and Sing would've been good friends as well. The chaos of a Rigg/Gibson/Sing friend trio...

My unpopular opinion about this character: Mmm I don't know that I have one? Other than maybe like. I understood why he went through the door. He knew Eric was on the other side; he just didn't know the circumstances or what would happen if he went through. All he knew was that he was that much closer to someone he's been trying to find/rescue for MONTHS + someone he cares for deeply. Of COURSE he went through. He breaks my heart ugh,,,

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wish he hadn't even been tested!!!! His one flaw was that he cared about ppl and somehow John saw that as something he needed to fix!!! Like yes I do agree that it was eating away at him and the obsession might've been unhealthy, but that's two of his closest friends dude!! I don't think he deserved to be tested for that. I don't. He just wanted to help ppl and keep them safe. I absolutely despise how Rigg was treated dkjflkdf!!!!