#idk maybe ill think of a better tag sometime later

[fruitybashir]

i got tagged by @ljubitelj-sonca @apfel07 and @itskrejsaitsparty to post the last line i wrote down, although i can see almost everyone disregards the line part and posts a paragraph haha so uhmmmm im also going to ignore the line limit 👍🏻 and since i got tagged by three people ill post three paragraphs bc what are rules anyways

i uhhh im not tagging anyone bc as with most of these things im getting to them very late and i feel like everyone has already been tagged, oopsie

[r1poutmygvtz]

longgg ramble/vent/whatever's on my mind, idk man i'm tired and should probably schedule another therapy appointment soon

also this is kinda just all over the place, idk my thoughts are kinda scattered rn for some reason

(tws: mental health talk, sh, suicide attempts, od mention, ed, body issues, weed + alcohol talk, medicine misuse, childhood abuse, pet + family death mentions, possibly more idk if i missed one lmk and i'll tag it and put it up here)

my mental health right now is so fragile i don't understand, like obviously i know i'm depressed, i've been diagnosed for nearly two years now but i should've been much earlier, maybe that's why it got so bad, i don't even remember why i was diagnosed tbh, i think it was my first time back after like a year and a half maybe two years of not being in therapy and obviously a lot of shit happened, in that time that i went without therapy i tried to kms three times, had an alcoholic phase, and got addicted to weed

it was also sometime around my birthday i believe, which would make sense on why i got diagnosed, im always super depressed around my birthday, i mean i was expelled on my 13th, my great grandma died the day after my 14th and the day after that i tried to kms and that was the most traumatizing one and it took me over 2 years to be able to take the meds that i od'd on again without freaking out, i was literally so high i can't even remember my 15th, 4 days before my 16th i graduated (horrible for me, i had a panic attack everyday leading up to it for like 2 weeks straight) and 2 days after that my cat that i had since my 12th birthday died, so there's literally nothing enjoyable about my birthday and it feels more like a curse than anything

anyways, i've been the same since i was like 8 or 9, i was depressed and dreamt/wished i would die or get seriously hurt, maybe i just wanted my dad to care about me for once or maybe i did really just want to die, im not sure, i can't really remember my childhood, my therapist says i most likely have ptsd from the abuse which would explain the memory gaps and dpdr (depersonalization & derealization for those that don't know, the derealization is confirmed by my therapist btw just not the depersonalization but that's probably only because i didn't bring that up)

i think the most fucked up part is the fact it took me 16 years to find out the abuse was also physical, i spent the entire time before that thinking it was only verbal towards me and my siblings but i guess not, also apparently all the times me and my sister went to my neighbors/aunts house was because we were hiding from my dad, i thought we just went over to watch cartoons because we didn't have them at home, idk it was just weird for me to find out 7 years after it stopped, it doesn't really bother me all that much tbh my dad was already dead to me and i've been mostly no contact with him for almost 3 years now

also speaking of me as a kid, that's when a lot of my problems started, i was 9 almost 10 for the dpdr and 8 or 9 when i started hating my body, sh came in later tho i was like 10 or 11 when that started, i actually remember being like 9 and writing down everything i ate on a piece of paper, and when i was 10 i kept a notebook full of what i weighed in the morning and night and would see the difference in it, i also vividly remember asking my mom how many calories were in something from mcdonald's and she told me i was too young to be asking that so i just kinda stopped after that which obviously ended up coming back, i mean just look at my account

anyways yea i just hate how back and forth my mental health is, one day i could be doing great and think i'm amazing and unbelievably pretty and smart and ill try to better myself by getting sober and staying clean, then the next day i'll hate myself and consider going back to taking my meds throughout the day just so i was loopy and hardly able to process anything

tbh i do miss it a lot, i started back when i was heavily addicted to weed and would take my meds when i couldn't smoke, actually i used to take melatonin a bunch throughout the day so i could just pass out if anything happened that i didn't want to deal with (literally anything at all tbf) but that started to not work as well as i wanted so i turned to my meds, i'd take my nightly dose (50mg instead of the 20mg i was supposed to take) at like noon and would be loopy until it was time to actually take it, i didn't do it much tbh, my sisters bf caught on after the third or fourth time because i had just met his family for the first time that day and their dog tried to bite my face apparently and i didn't even react (didn't even realize it happened tbh) and he asked what was up with me and i told him bc i've known him forever, anyways yea he yelled at me to knock it off and went on about how it's gonna kill me if i kept doing it, so i did it like once after that and it's been months since i've done it again

it's kinda funny tho, those meds actually could've killed me regardless, i was supposed to take them three times a day but only really did once at school and i still got a bunch of the more serious side effects because i wasn't supposed to smoke while taking them but obv i did bc i was addicted, like breathing was hard, i nearly fainted all the time, my appetite was nonexistent, my heart was starting to mess up, like i literally thought i had a heart attack one day because the side effects were that bad and my mom and sister started looking up symptoms of POTS because that's what the side effects looked like, anyways i got taken off those months ago but i still have them somewhere and i'm fighting the urge to find and take them just so i have no appetite and so i'll sleep through the day

i think that's really all idk, there's more i was gonna say but i can't really remember plus this is already super long jfc, i don't expect anyone to actually read this, i just wanted it off my chest and i don't really trust talking to many people about this kinda stuff

[pathos-p]

"Weirdly Specific Artist Ask Game" but i got tagged in it so i am gonna answer all of them 'cause theyre fun

questions by @/i-like-eyes

thanks for the tag @king-chook!! ^^

1. Art programs you have but don't use

i thiiink i have a license for clip studio paint that came with my old wacom tablet but i never rly used it. also used to have krita installed for the longest time but just always felt off to me idk why. don't currently have it installed anymore tho

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)

to their right is a bit easier i think. not smth i consciously notice, mostly i'm just thinking abt when im doodling on the margins of stuff they usually are looking to the left of the page

3. What ideas come from when you were little

uhhh idk tbh, i dont think much of my art draws from that

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

cityscapes !!! i love cities they r so pretty and cool looking but goddamn theyre so hard to draw

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself

80-20? i post everything that i finish. basically the only stuff that doesnt get posted is sketches i give up on

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously (i.e. this horse wasn't supposed to look like the Last Unicorn but I see it)

hmmmm not that i can think of rn...

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

watercolour !! i've tried it a few times and Struggled but i love seeing ppl's work in it

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in

so many animatics ..................... also many comic ideas ..................... i get so many ideas that i just never start on or start and only do a little before losing the hyperfocus/fixation and just Cannot continue them. it sucks

9. What are your file name conventions

usually the character name, maybe a bit of description of what theyre doing... idk not much of a convention to it

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

hmm i like jackets :)

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

yes, usually music. sometimes random youtube videos like stream highlights or video essays.

12. Easiest part of body to draw

uhhh hair? maybe idk. hard question bc it varied a lot depending on what kinda style and just. sometimes smth is hard in a particular drawing then easy later idk

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

i cant think of anything i will edit it in if i think of anyone

14. Any favorite motifs

in my drawings i dont feel like i use any much. mostly i pull motifs from whatever im doing fanart of lol. in music, i like religious motifs (but not like. ones abt christ or bible stories, rather heaven, hell, god/divinity, angels)

15. *Where* do you draw (don't drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

at home pretty much exclusively. in bed lol

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

idk i feel like the stuff im better at is the stuff i like bc i practice it more for fun lol

17. Do you eat/drink when drawing? if so, what

not usually

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you've broken

surprisingly little. mostly bc i do more digital art lol

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

weapons and nature. especially ice for nature

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

i cant think of anything ill add it if i do

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

i love rougher styles, like ones with a lot of visible brushstrokes and bold lines and shit. so cool. idk how to make it look good lol i dont have the confidence in my lines for it

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any

none... probably i should change that

23. Do you use different layer modes

yeah, often i use a multiple layer for shading then a variety to colour adjust at the end

24. Do your references include stock images

sometimes

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

cant think of any

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

there was this poem i wrote about capitalism and how shit it is and someone thought it was abt interpersonal relationships/smth along the lines of a breakup. i rly didnt mind it tho i thought it was cool bc the emotion was not far off, the sense of betrayal and abandonment. just a very very different subject

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

no lol

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

i ran a zine (digital only) for the dimension 20 zine jam! and also made art+writing for others in that :D also was part of a polygon yt fanzine a while back

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

spider-man (not the MCU, mostly tasm and a few of the comics)

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

IS IT BAD TO SAY A PIECE THAT GOT QUITE A BIT OF POSITIVE ATTENTION ?? maybe

i rly like the cj comic i did i am genuinely so goddamn happy with the result so . even tho it did very well by the standards for the fandom its for and my current follower base it is underrated

alternatively this one https://www.tumblr.com/pathos-p/704380503765221377/tridential-sovereignty?source=share bc it didnt get all that much attention on any social media site but i think its cool !!

(mostly only using recent ones bc i dont wanna dig back further esp onto my old twt acct, too much work lol)

[twildflower]

Long awaited doodle dump lmaooo its cut off bc i have some i want to spotlight and they make the post too long n i dont wanna like clog up peoples tl :3

Also mature tag is bc i talk abt some rlly uh fucked up stuff under cut

This is like um sorry i was in a silly goofy chinese mode whoopsies i did translate it tho its not direct translation bc uh chinese and english diff umm its kinda weird in english it’s actually more like green saying did gold teach you that again but i like my personal translation better also look at my handwriting that every single person ive known in my life say is ugly as fuck wooooooo

Hehe Silver in Golds clothes and Reds hat :3 i like this alot i was gonna add gold and red as you can see but i didnt finish yet I’ll probably repost it when i draw it

バニバニガール！i love すりぃ’s バニー go check it out its a really fun song about bunny (girl)s also damn. That hand. It does not look like its drawn by me.

Cutoff here theres a few doodles im not too proud of/not very uh rated e for everyone/random doodles so they will be under the cut B)

Silver with like ribbon tied on his hair :3

This is based off like a pixiv artist’s regold drawings of like red taking gold’s eye n eating it or smth im very interested in like this specific. Uh. Thing. Niche? Idk i just like the idea of like. Hehe. Stolen eye or smth sorry im very sick in the head :3 i see alot of like amputation and other weird stuff on pixiv too from like all the fandoms ive been in but thats not really my thing i really like this eye thing tho okay what the hell im marking this thing as mature im talking abt way too mature stuff

Eerr random eye doodle that turned into a full thing but i wanted to draw goggles too so eh its not very correct tho lmao also hi yes my ugly ass handwriting again i think its fine as long as its not unintelligible yk I don’t know why like everyone i know well most people say its bad like. Grow up at least its readable >:(

This one makes me want to mark this post as mature but ehhhh nah ‘s fine i think. This was written before the second one sorry. I will just be fr now I have been drawing so many like this kinda faces and sometimes anatomy poses bc!!!! I am drawing. Cool. This is just the one that looks better after a few practices lol. :3 Also i like drew the small part of the hair somewhere but idk where’s that paper my whole school binder is just fucking messy af bc i keep going thru where my doodles are. So yeah that thing is probably never going to be found again until i throw papers away or study for exams which is like a month later i think idk im gonna kms i hate maths im so failing mathswhy is it functions i dont understand shit

The fucking maid day doodle thing its so fucking ugly lmaooooo pls im gonna die

Sorry i did not realized i rambled so much under almost every doodle im very scatterbrained im actually so sorry i dont know why i do this im going to fucking cry i do this with literally anything even in schoolwork okay its so laye i haeto sleep maybe ill edit the long brambles out on laptop tmr my phone is lagging the shit out

[recordsystem]

ok ima talk a lil bit abt my system’s dirk’s memories of being a system in his source. ill be adding this to the system dirk tag cause i think it’s interesting and he doesnt mind ppl adding his experiences to their headcanons or whatnot.

he was just in a two person system w hal. i think originally hal was literally just an oc that dirk played around with in his head, this sort of idealized version of himself, an expression of his alienation from society, of feeling inhuman. unfortunately that is just about the age that his abuse got so, so, much worse, so that idea of hal in his head started becoming more and more autonomous until he became an actual person.

he does have memory loss but can interact with hal in headspace pretty okayish. it took him a while to realize his memory gaps were due to hal fronting; he sorta just thought hal was a figment of his imagination so the idea that he could be affecting his reality never really occurred to him until later.

As usual they are kinda having a constant power struggle. I think he was very resistant to hals existence at first considering Hal is 1. Insufferable 2. Frequently makes large decisions that would impact both of their lives without exactly consulting Dirk on the matter. In his eyes he knew what was best for Dirk and acted accordingly. To be fair Hal was the only reason they practiced any amount of self care but i do think he kinda overcorrected in many areas as well. (That fuckin image @crabgodds drew of Hal quitting dirks job for him? Very much that.) Oh and 3. Dirk was very weird Abt the way Hal interacted with his friends, especially his crushes. Relationship w Roxy became very weird too bc she didn't know they were plural, all she knew is that sometimes "Dirk" was very affectionate and sometimes he really wasn't, which i think was rough for her.

Only two people knew Abt dirks system; he actively told Dave and vriska just sorta found out. The vriska bit is funny; she basically found out and said "hey if you don't let me hang out w Hal sometimes I'll tell everyone; i like Hal better anyways." Hal is very cool w this arrangement, Dirk begrudgingly deals with her.

A point of contention was the fact that Hal disliked dirks abusers while Dirk still had a lot of complicated feelings Abt them. Hal was a protector so he would come stand in when things got too much for Dirk to handle. He would do his best to minimize harm in those scenarios. I don't think he wants me to get more into this bit so yeah!

I think things got easier for them once Dave was able to convince Dirk that Hal was actually generally trying to help him and convince Hal to like. Idk maybe communicate a little bit lol. Things weren't perfect obviously but the mindset shift of them being enemies to them being teammates really was a huge step in them becoming a less dysfunctional system. Dirk sorta allowed himself to rely on Hal a little more + started respecting him as a real person a lil more (despite pretending to be pissy Abt it)

My Dirk def had an ok relationship w Hal overall; i think under different circumstances, with less ppl supporting him it could easily have been very different and a loooot more self destructive.

I'll post more Abt it as he remembers things. Maybe he'll draw a thing idk

[yoongsisbae]

Content Tag Game

thank you @inkofyoongi for the tag and also bless you for the Poetica teaser I'm crying already!!! Yoongi and y/n kissing oh my heart.

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)? Harry Potter and Attack on Titan

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for? BTS

3. how long have you been writing? Writing online, I wrote HP ff when I was a preteen. Oh god it was horrible, it was a lot of silly meme worthy stuff, but that was half the fun in the HP fandom back in the day, then years later I tried to write one AOT ff and it did not do well lol, I think I maybe got two comments one of them being really mean lol and I gave up and left my story unfinished and moved on from ff (funnily enough I based a scene in one of my HOAL chapters off of it and no complaints so ha!...lol.) Then a friend bought me a dream journal, and I fell back in love with writing again after HOAL 🥰

4. on which platforms do you post your stories? I have a Wattpad and I just created an Ao3 to crosspost.

5. what is your favourite genre to write? Angst, I guess I am just a masochist.

6. are you a pantser or a planner? Well I am definitely not a planner, so I guess I'm a pantser lol. I rather just write the story instead of planning. I vaguely know the endings, the problem is most of my stories start out as dreams, and what usually happens in dreams??? That's right, you wake up BEFORE the ending. So then I have the arduous task of figuring out what else is supposed to happen lol, I feel like if I just write it out it will somehow magically come together in the end, planning is unnecessary stress I don't need lol.

7. one shot or multi-chapter? You know I really admire one shot writers, but I am just not built like that...

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion? I would say as a writer and what I also prefer reading, between 6k and 10k is the sweet spot.

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete? Handshakes of a Lifetime is almost at 55k words 👀 and I would say it's half way done?

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most? I really love writing HOAL, some of the chapters were very therapeutic to write 🥲. During the beginning chapters I was going through a lot of chronic pain and there were long stretches where I was so engrossed I forgot about the pain which if you've ever suffered from chronic illness, is like finding a raft in the middle of the ocean. But also Run Run Run made me hysterically laugh for hours (the visuals in my head are something else man), I already know I am going to have so much fun finishing that story.

11. favourite request you’ve written and why? I don’t take requests, however there have been times when I requested myself to write lol. Instead of word vomiting all over my blog and oversharing to you guys who probably do not want to listen to my ugly problems, I said, hey, why not just take all that pain and channel it into a story instead? Because that's why people follow me after all and I'm a woman of the people lol, and that's how Blue and Grey was written. It's short and simple, and it's one of my favorite stories I've ever written.

12. are there reocurring themes in your stories? Hmmm pain lol, whether it be pleasurable pain or not lol. Again, my stories start out as dreams, so they are pretty random. I do notice there's a lot of “escaping”, that might just be a dream thing idk.

13. current number of wips? HOAL, C!HOC, RRR, BV:ITS, a cross over fandom story I am so excited for and will write before the year is up (I just somehow need to become a smarter writer before then), a cute theme story I want to release on Halloween, 6 angsty one shots for each member (Namjoon's is already written), and an unnamed invasion AU story that I hope will see the light of day, but I have so many questions as to what is going on and have to figure out those answers before I post it (also I don't know know if I should add another ongoing fic and do that to myself lol)

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing? I love cliff hangers, they are just so much fun, I truly can't help myself. I also can't help putting a hopeful spin on my writing, even when I think I shouldn't, the story would be more meaningful if I didn't, but I am a hopeless romantic so sue me. And even if my stories are very fantasy driven, I try to be as realistic as possible, especially during smut scenes, I need realism, I don't like writing unrealistic sex, so sorry if it’s not that fantastical sometimes, I try to make it up in story pacing 🥲🥲.

15. a quote you like from a published story. Chapter 4 of HOAL is full of sentences I am proud of lol. "...a storm so final in its answer, it must be controlled by the Grim Reaper himself." and "...rain droplets clash against the ocean, open like umbrellas, and the sea throws back tiny gems of water." I really tried to portray that calm before the storm feeling throughout the chapter.

16. a quote from an unpublished story. Here is a part of the unnamed story, "Namjoon never came back. You take out your phone, pull up Namjoon’s number. You don’t have a pen or pencil, and you’ve never been good at memorization. But this time you have to, you must remember the ten numbers as if your life depended on it, because you’re starting to feel like it might."

17. a space for you to say something to your readers. My dreams had been haunting me for awhile until I finally said, "okay, let me just try, I'll just try to and see if this whole writing thing will work for me." Sometimes you have thoughts that you just need to scream out into the world before they consume you and the fact that people are hearing me, and being moved in even the littlest of ways by my stories lifts the pressure off my shoulders just a bit every day. A lot of my stories are anonymous love letters to people in my life, memories I want to preserve and transform into stories people can enjoy, happy and painful, for better or for worse. So to my readers, thank you for enjoying my stories, for hearing me. ❤️

I tag: @cloudteawrites @bangtangalicious @smasmashin @alpacaparkaseok @deepdarkdelights @btsaudge @koosbabygrl and any other writer who wants to share! 💕

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hypermobile anon here. First, thank you so much. It's just nice to know there's someone here for me. And to give a little more info, I have a serious problem where if I'm not currently in pain. I don't remember how bad it was. I know everybody does this, but my brain literally checked out as I was going to bed recently and I fell on the floor. I nearly forgot to tell my physical therapist.about it because it didn't really hurt. So, I can't do the pain scale very well, and I never remember (1/2)

(2/2) It just makes it sort of hard for pain relief when I don't know I'm going to need it and don't have the energy when I do. Also, on the vitamin subject, I know that I've had vitamin d issues before (bad heat exhaustion and allergy scares = going outside less), bad enough that I was close to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about the others, but I do know I'm not amazing healthy, so? I take calcium pills for the vitamin d, though. Again, thank you guys for all your help.

.

We just got a bill from my PT place that says we owe money that we can't pay. They told us up front how much it would be with our insurance, and my mom's been paying each time, but it says we owe 177 dollars. Sure, it's not a lot, but we're not rich and trying to send a sibling to college. If we can't get this sorted out. I can't just not go. 10 exercises I can do at home and 5 appointments is not enough to help a chronic disorder. I cant focus and I have practice in 30 mins. -Hypermobility anon

Same day but later when I'm feeling a little better (my director was very supportive though so that's nice), I'd seen the letter and heard my parents talking a bit, but my mom told be as we got to school for rehearsal about PT. I got upset, and I felt bad because I could tell she felt bad because she didn't expect me to be upset, and in the heat of the moment I said "chronic illness" in front of my mom for the first time. She loudly (not quite yelling) (1/?) - Hypermobility anon

said to me "That is the most self-pitying thing I've ever heard. Chronic illnesses are like cancer". Sure, I probably should've said disorder and not illness, but I'm scientifically right. Then I said "It is, it's chronic pain, I am always in pain" and she said "Well then clearly PT isn't helping anyway" - I??? When I went in after 15 minutes after another girl, since we were both there for an hour and a half, I decided to stop trying too much to hide my crying (useful masks) (2/?) -HSD anon

since the other girl was in the hall to eat, and when I managed to explain to the director, she was understanding and nice, and when I said chronic, she said that I should never have to live with that, especially at my age. And when I mentioned not being able to sing at that moment from my crying, she pointed out how I was singing an empowering song that was about standing against the bad stuff in life, and I was perfect for it. I know my mom was just mad, but it just drained me.

Sorry I keep sending asks so often, I just feel like telling someone this. I decided to put 'zebra' in my bio. It's a thing that people with EDS and HSD sometimes like to call themselves. I like it, so even though I just have my name and pronouns, plus a random joke, in my bio, I added it. It just feels like a step in the right direction to remembering that I don't need google to tell me I'm dealing with this every 5 minutes. Accepting it, I guess. :) -HSD anon

.

My sleep schedule just keeps getting worse and I think it's my ADHD combined busy days and pain but I just never want to sleep anymore. I can't, I don't want to, and it hurts physically and mentally to just lie there and see if I can fall asleep. 80% sure my circadian rhythm changed to sleep at about 2 am but I get up at 7 and have a chronic disorder that's getting worse because of this I *need sleep*. And I'm so scared I'll mess up, want to make a side blog for it but want to make one (1/2)

for something happy first because I always figured that if I had side blogs they would be ask blogs or for fandoms or whatever. But I got a little better at not caring what other people think, so I haven't really needed one for fandom. But I looked through the tag and felt so comforted by some of the stuff that I just think it would help me. Maybe I'm just extra bad tonight because I went outside but also talked about it a fair amount with a friend I hadn't seen recently who didn't know. -HSD

.

I wanna talk to my physical therapist about hip braces because I tried a knee one we have and it honestly helps, but my hips are worst so I wanna see if it would help, but they're pretty expensive. It's hard to find dual hip braces, from what I've seen in my research, and even though one more than the other, both cause me issues. Idk, I'm conflicted, because it could help but is it worth all the effort? Also, even if it's under clothing it's still physical evidence (1/2) -HSD anon

(2/2) of my "invisible" disorder. Also, stopping exercises for a few days because of not feeling well from my covid shot reminded me of just how much time I spend on them, so it's another thing to deal with this. . . Idk, sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to just deal with it. I still have pain anyway, though it might be a little better. Less often, maybe? I don't really remember. It's not stressing at the front of my mind all the time, but the back of it. I'm just conflicted. -HSD

.

HSD anon here, idk if I mentioned it in an ask already, but recently I had a small breakdown because I was watching something where a character was in a car accident, as was trying to push through having trouble walking even with a hip brace. After a minute, I registered it and just thought "That could be my future". My joints had already been acting up and then they got worse, so I don't know if it was cause and effect? But I don't exactly know what to call it other than a trigger. (1/2)

Physical and emotional effect, at least I'm assuming on physical because I've had a bad reaction to something similar before, but like, I don't have trauma, I think it's more fear of the future. And I don't want to use trigger incorrectly, it's insensitive to those who actually have triggers. I'm just so confused.

Forgot to sign the last ask with 2/2 and HSD, whoops.

.

Hfnsiwk I'm not ready to walk into PT tomorrow and say that I don't think months of PT have been helping but I have no way to be completely sure because for all I know it's the weather since this is the first year I've known/it's been noticeable. Maybe it's just change, I don't know, but it just feels like such a waste of time if it really didn't help. Plus, I'd stop, and while that'd be great, I do enjoy being stronger, even if it didn't help pain. I have 12 hours and a bad pain day idek. -HSD

.

Hi Hypermobility Anon,

I think I found all your asks and got them in the correct order.  And found your last ask!

I’m so glad you kept writing in.  I think you should go ahead and make your side blog - you definitely have enough material for it.  Wanting to make a happy side blog also is a great goal to have, but if you don’t know what it will be yet, don’t let that prevent you from doing something you know you want to do and that will probably help you.  

You are dealing with So. Much.  Your mom especially sounds like she just is not ready to accept the situation.  It’s not self-pity to state your actual conditions.  It’s just reality.  

Forgetting about pain is normal, and really all you can do is try to write it down or make some kind of note about it in the moment or immediately after, so you can refer to it later.  Maybe you can track your pain events in your phone notes.

I think your idea to add “zebra” to your bio is a good one, this is part of your life and just something you have to deal with.  It sounds like you’re finding a community for this.  

Sleep schedules are tricky, and feeling like you desperately need to sleep can make it so stressful that it starts a vicious little cycle.  Some strategies to get around this are First, remember that just resting is okay and helpful too, even if you don’t fall asleep.  Letting your body lay there to rest is good for you.  

Second, if you’ve spent several minutes laying down without falling asleep, its okay to get up and walk around, or any small light exercise that’s comfortable for you.  The goal with this one is to get out of the bed for a bit.  It will help your brain to re-learn that the bed is for sleeping only, not for laying awake.  That association can help signal to your brain to start its sleep-process when you get into bed at night.

Third, it’s really common to have a changing circadian rhythm during your teens and twenties.  That’s just a thing that happens and you can’t do much about it, so just try not to worry too much.  Sleep when it feels right and when you can, instead of trying to force yourself to sleep when you’re “supposed” to.  

If hip braces would help you, you should definitely at least mention it to your physical therapist.  You might research online for any used ones as well.  A physical sign that you have pain can have good and bad consequences, but I think the good consequence of being in less pain far outweighs any others.

The triggering event you described is not so much a trigger as it is just a genuinely really upsetting situation.  You related really strongly to the character you were watching, because they’re dealing with similar problems to you, and to problems you could have in the future.  It’s a lot to process.  But while you could potentially be in a car accident, remember that television is made to dramatize events and probably made it seem a lot more difficult and scary than it really would be.   

Since we know you sometimes forget your pain, it’s safe to say that the exercises are helping you manage it, and you say that they’ve made you stronger in general.  Those are good things, and I would recommend you continue the exercises you can do on your own even if you end of ending  your physical therapy sessions.  We don’t know yet if your pain might have gotten even worse without therapy.  You’ll have to find that out on your own if you stop exercising, and then decide whether it’s more worth it to you to continue exercising or to live with the pain.  Whichever you choose, it’s Your choice, Your body.  Take care of yourself. <3

-bun

[just-me-in-my-head]

I posted 854 times in 2021

287 posts created (34%)

567 posts reblogged (66%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 2.0 posts.

I added 421 tags in 2021

#drawing - 78 posts

#sketch - 73 posts

#fanart - 60 posts

#cute - 36 posts

#rainbow rowell - 35 posts

#lesbian - 29 posts

#simon snow series - 28 posts

#carry on - 28 posts

#klance - 27 posts

#voltron - 27 posts

Longest Tag: 120 characters

#i legit walked down stairs a few minutes ago and my parents were like wtf why are you downstairs and i just was like idk

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

'Anyone can have pretty eyes, but only the right kind of person can hum the alphabet and make it your new favorite beat' -Adam Silvera 'They Both Die at the End'

61 notes • Posted 2021-06-13 14:58:11 GMT

#4

Okay, so if you follow me this is most likely going to show up on your 'following' page and this isn't what I typically post. In fact, I am posting this with full knowledge that probably no one will read this. I just feel like screaming at a void is all and yeah.

Sometimes I feel like I want to look like a boy but then sometimes after that I want to look like a girl and I think wow that was strange that I wanted to look like a boy. And then I cant remember how it feels to want to be a boy until it happens again but the whole time in-between I sit there thinking that I must've been faking it. Maybe im looking for attention. Maybe thats what im doing everytime I post something, everytime i text someone, maybe I just want attention. Sometimes it makes me feel like it's better not to talk to people about my life or post at all and maybe it is because sometimes it feels like that would be better as coming off as attention seeking.

But then again, maybe it's good to want attention. Everyone needs attention at some point it's just part of being human. I dont know.

But sometimes I kind of feel like a stick figure. No defining features. Not girl or boy or anything. I wonder if the world would be an easier place to live in if sex-defining body parts didn't exist at all.

Or maybe I'm faking this and just want attention. That probably is the case and I dont even know what im doing right now.

I cant tell who I am right now because sometimes I just feel so strongly that I'm a girl (like right now) but later at some point I'm sure ill start to feel like a guy again and I dont know what to do about it.

I just wish that I was just ME. Whatever that even means anymore.

64 notes • Posted 2021-10-31 12:29:34 GMT

#3

So, like... can we talk about Baz?

SPOILER ALERT DO NOT PASS THIS LINE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ AWTWB!!!!!

Baz is just like... that person that they write break up songs from the POV of, I mean, dang, bro. He's just like, 'here, let me listen to this one song on repeat until I'm over Simon, which will be never. Good luck, my neighbors who can hear me through the walls! Soon, I'm going to find a way to magic this song, and THEN you'll have to deal with just these two LINES on repeat, and you will SUFFER! Hahahahaha *starts sobbing*'

89 notes • Posted 2021-07-11 21:06:38 GMT

#2

Baz's and Simon's socks, oof.

Sorry the pictures are kinda blurry

237 notes • Posted 2021-08-29 00:48:47 GMT

#1

Reblog if you want someone to hug you until you fall asleep

254 notes • Posted 2021-09-09 01:25:32 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[timextoxhajima]

death to 2020

cause fuck 2020 lmao

disclaimer: im usually a really brutally honest person with alot of vulgarities because that’s how strongly i feel about stuff im willing to talk about, so... brace yourself for alot of vulgarities and occasionally a word you wouldn’t understand cause it’s a singaporean vulgarity 

now where the FUCK do i start?

i started 2020 really happy, though i was still reeling from the shit relationship i was in for most of 2019. he was a cunt and we broke up in september 2019. i got attached again in feb 2020 to a guy i was seeing from late 2019. 

ANYWAY

my tumblr journey began in july (i don’t fkin remember what date it was anymore because it doesn’t matter) and long story short, tumblr has become my escape from reality. as most of you know i’ve been writing since 2014, just never touched this platform until 2016 because i was busy reading smuts WUPS but decided i wanted a more interactive platform with my readers so i ended up here. 

ANYWAY X2

below is the list of people i wna thank for making my tumblr journey so much more worthwhile, though we might not be close. i also don’t take note of my moots so im so fucking sorry if i missed you out, seriously just drop me an angry ask and ill bow down at your feet.

ANYWAY X3 LET’S BEGIN

to qiu: @stealerz

for being the little sister but like, my sunbae? LMAO uk how when a younger idol debuts but they meet an older idol that debuts later lmao yeah that’s us. i always find it honorable that you come to me for advice, and while i am known among my friends for giving great advice, i never fucking agreed because more often than not, i don’t follow my OWN advice. so qiu acts like a reminder that hey, maybe i shd stfu and listen to myself. but i really wna thank qiu for keeping me in the circle because im not one to initiate conversations (EVER) and she’s always the one talking to me about sch stuff which actually grounds me? makes me believe that school and my virtual reality can still coincide. thank you for being such an amazing friend, for being a person i actually feel close to because...? proximity? HAHAH but anyways, happy death to 2020, love. 

to yu: @lsangyeons

for trusting me so much with whatever you tell me about your life. i’m someone who doesn’t offer trust easily, and even if it does seem like i do, there are alot more things i tend to keep from people about my private life, so i know exactly how it feels to talk to someone you only know online about the things that bug us. your drawings are so fucking amazing and adorable, it’s just endearing to see that hardwork come out in something else besides writing (because that’s all ive been fkin doing lolz). i hope 2021 treats you alot better, because you deserve it. HAPPY DEATH TO 2020. 

to bella: @fullsunsays

for also trusting me with your emotional breakdowns (i hope you are alright with me saying this here because you talk about it on your acc every now and then but if you’re uncomfortable just give me a sound out and i’ll get rid of it). i just get so fking flattered because it just feels like you feel safe around me? and that? you treat me like a safe space? ion know it’s just all pretty new to me, about being in this online community. thank you for screaming with me/at me about different things, thank you for being so endearing with my shit, and i hope nothing but a better year for you. happy death to 2020, my love. 

to violet: @yunhoiseyecandy

for putting up with my nonsense every now and then and being so accepting to my feral side. i dont know if its because i know you’re an ateez stan and yknow ateez stans are usually more feral than tbz stans (idk i rlly dont) and like, i just find myself screaming to you every now and then and you’d do the same and it gives me ‘a pair of dumb feral bimbo’ vibes so, i dont know what i’d do without you, honestly. sometimes you’re the reminder that i have ateez stuff in my drafts or sitting in my laptop waiting to be published and youre a reminder that half my masterlist is also ateez content LOL. we don’t rlly talk about our private lives much but i definitely appreciate you way more than you think. happy death to 2020, vio. 

to gina: @sunlightwoo

for closing the gap so quickly! i earnestly dont remember how we got to be moots and all i remember is you screaming to me about smth and i screamed back and we just clicked from there, ion know LMAO. i love it that you’re so endearing and so patient with my shit and the stuff you write! omg. not many things make my heart flutter and BEST BELIEVE i DIED when i read your eric fic for the 12 days of christmas collab. we don’t rlly know much about our private lives and that’s alright, but i just want you to know that you deserve everything. happy death to 2020, gina!

to daisy: @sangyeon-lee

for confusing the fuck outta me when you switched from a fluffy yunho (??) mydaintydaisy to sangyeon as ur dp and sangyeon lee as ur user i was like ???? who the fuc-- OH. BUT YOU ARE SO FUCKING SWEET like i swear on GOD you are that one friend in the grp of girls that bakes cookies and give hugs and offer sweets and... give more hugs i really can’t uwu. (but now that your dp has changed i might have second thoughts hm). anyhow, we haven’t really interacted much besides in the 12 days of christmas collab gc but i just want you to know that i appreciate you in my notifs SO MUCH and i just hope we have a chance to get closer. happy death to 2020, daisy. 

to han @fleurseoul, april @tbzlvr and ri @sunwoowuvbot

for being such amazing readers, for constantly giving me encouragement, for always being my first notes or reblogs and i NEVER miss out on reading your tags like EVER because they are what keeps me going and keeps me motivated to keep writing. like, i really have no words to describe the gratitude i have. 

ANYWAY X4

below are the moots in my awareness (because im a fucking idiot ngl) that i appreciate and hope we can get to know each other better uwu

@elcie-chxn @experimentalwrites @ddadadada @chaoticdeobi @atbzkingdom @micaronn (i feel like i have a fuckload more but my goldfish brain cannot handle it lmao)

please send me an angry ask if i’ve missed you out >:(

ANYWAY x5

here’s to a better 2021, here’s to a year that’s not so much of a shitshow. here’s to the death of 2020. PEACE OUT. 

[bonesthebeloved]

You did to me what tsunamis do to homes- Sanders Sides

@lance-alt

Summary: Patton and Remus fuse for an experiment. Then they fuse again. Then they stay fused because Patton wants too. When the others finally find out how bad it is hurting Remus, the damage is already done and they have to deal with the aftermath. Wordcount: 3849 words Relationships: Platonic creativitwins, Romantic Intruloceit. TRIGGER/ SQUICK WARNING: !UNSYMPATHETIC PATTON!, mental abuse, neglection, manipulation, dismissal, swearing, disassociation, shouting, panic attack mention (brief), some plushy and clothes get ripped apart I guess, vomiting, (idk how to tag this but Patton flirts with Roman while he and Remus are fused so that), Crying, food mention. (If I forgot anything please let me know. this is a heavy one and I don’t wanna accidentally hurt people with it.)

Patton being unsympathetic/ abusive isn’t really explained but I don’t have the brain cells for that atm so let’s just say he thinks he can protect Thomas this way and is willing to do anything to ‘keep him safe’ however incorrect he may be.

After this post by @lance-alt (Hope you like it bud.)

They had found out that they could fuse because of creativity. Remus and Roman had finally reconnected enough for them to be friendly with each other again. Baking and making a mess of the kitchen while loudly singing Disney songs at 10 am, sitting on the couch together to watch crappy horror movies and laughing at how terrible the special effects were. Dancing in the living room to Panic! at the disco, with energy so high it could match Patton’s when he had too much sugar.

When Remus had grabbed his brother to spin in circles, the soul reason just being him simply wanting to do so now that he could, when something had happened.

Bright light and they both weren’t quite themselves anymore.

A stumble as they looked down. The floor much further away and their body not quite theirs.

It had been exciting, to be the King again. Remus had made them hug themselves and Roman had spun them around before both of them made them run towards Patton’s room.

When they unfused again there had been confusion.  When they fused again Logan had conducted an experiment.

And now Remus was in the logical traits room. Fidgeting his thumbs while Patton picked some music. It wasn’t the duke’s preference. He liked something more upbeat. Something edgier. But Patton had picked the music and this was only for an experiment so he didn’t argue.

Besides. He did not want to get on Patton’s bad side.

The dancing was awkward and so was the fusion. It didn’t feel quite right. Unlike being Romulus where he and his brother just shared the mind and looked through the same eyes, they were in a room. Two chairs in front of a big screen and a control panel. It had been a little odd. But not bad perse so he’d let it slide. Maybe Patton just liked it like this. He didn’t mind. Simply wasn’t used to it yet.

Not that he had to get used to it. This was a one-time thing after all.

When they unfused Logan had been ecstatic. Already asking Patton so many questions about how it had felt and set up a meeting for them to fuse as well so he could witness it first hand.

Remus was dismissed with the wave of a hand. Leaving the room confused and not feeling quite right.

- 

They had fused again after a few days. Patton coming to him with a smile and an offer to try it again because ‘it felt so funny! didn’t it? I think you’re my favourite person to fuse with Remus!’

And Remus couldn’t have known that Patton had only tried it with Logan. Remus couldn’t have known what ‘letting Patton steer the ship’ for a while could have let too.

They were fused the whole day. And inside the room, Remus had sat back. Patton needed time to learn how to properly control their body. And, as he already had experience with fusing with Roman, he let him figure it out, repressing the odd feeling that came with not being himself.

And when they unfused in the evening, Remus too tired to do anything else than simply plop on his bed and fall asleep, Patton said goodbye and that they should do that again sometimes.

A few weeks later and they were barely unfused. 

They only separated when it was time to go to bed. Too tired to do anything else and slowly forgetting how to do anything else but sleep and wake up to Patton knocking at his door.

One of the two chairs in the room had disappeared. Remus never sitting on it.

Instead, he said in the corner of the room, trying to ignore the feeling of his limbs moving and touching things even if he sat still himself. Trying to ignore the feeling of their body eating and talking and communicating while he was silent.

 At first, he had been trying to pitch into their decisions. But after Patton had made them rip apart the octopus plushy that Roman had gifted his brother on their birthday, threatening to destroy more of his precious belongings if he didn’t work with him, he had settled down.

Remus now barely moved when they were fused. Arms wrapped around his legs, staring blankly at the opposite wall, trying to tune out the sensations and sounds. Trying to not look at himself being so…not himself.

A few months had passed and Patton made their body lay down onto Remus’ bed every time they unfused because Remus couldn’t remember how to move his limbs without somebody else doing it for him

-

When Logan walked up to them after three months of nonstop fusion, Remus had lifted his head to look up at the screen for the first time in weeks.

“Hey, Pathos.” He disliked that name. But Patton had picked it for them and arguing had only led to Virgil’s old jacket, which he had used as a comforter for when everything got too much, being burned right in front of their eyes. Remus not even having a chair or the power to do anything but watch, tears streaming down his cheeks. Mouth sealed shut because he wasn’t the one that did the talking.

“I know it’s none of my business but I can’t help but ask, don’t you think it might be unhealthy to stay fused all the time? I know you’ve told me that you get things done easier like this, yin and yang and so on. But I also know that it is easy to lose your sense of self in things like this.”

“Oh Logan, thank you so much for worrying about us,” Patton spoke. Remus had lost the ability to flinch at that point. Simply keeping his head low, his body stiff, staring at the wall opposite of him. It had begun to change colour in the last few days.

“And it hasn’t been easy. Believe me, it hasn’t been. Remus and Patton are very different people after all.”  Remus’ only response was the twitching of his pinky. On the inside, he was screaming, yelling, hoping that Patton had finally seen the error in his ways. 

“Remus really wears on Patton sometimes. With all of his crazy ideas and violent tendencies.” Oh.

“But They’ve found their peace like this. Like me! I think they’re better off like this. And isn’t everything more peaceful now that Remus is under control? Don’t you think it’s better this way?”

Logan looked taken aback by the negative talk towards one of the components of the fusion. Though he didn’t comment on it. Simply nodding, shrugging it off and going about his day while Remus was left in the room with Patton. Trying not to listen to the moral sides thoughts in his head. Trying to get them away from his own. Trying to not think.

Patton just walked them to a mirror. Staring right at it before he spoke.

“You really thought he was going to help you? They know you’re wrong Remus. And if this is the only way for me to keep you away from them then I will carry that burden with pride.”

No. He hadn’t wanted to be free. He hadn’t. Because that would be bad and he wasn’t bad. He wasn’t- “You can’t lie to me, Remus. Or did you forget that I can hear your thoughts as well?”

Remus turned his head again. Retaking his staring contest with the wall opposite of him.

The wall was getting patchy. spots of green and blue interrupting the evenly coloured cyan wall like the wallpaper was coming off.

-

The fusion got more unstable. With Roman coming up to them to confess that he missed his brother and Virgil crying during a panic attack because he wanted Patton to comfort him but the idea of Remus being there too made his skin crawl.

Logan had begun to figure out what he thought was going on. Pathos seemed too put together. Too nice and cheerful and pg to have them both equal parts controlling him. He didn’t swear. Didn’t make a mess, didn’t do anything like Remus but rather was just a slightly more excentric and charismatic version of Patton.

And that night Remus hung above the toilet. Retching as wave after wave of sick clattered into the toilet bowl. The memory of Patton controlling their body to flirt with his brother making him physically ill. A new wave of bile rising up at the memory of how he had them smile of the thought of Pathos with his brother. Of how Patton’s thoughts about his brother had mixed with his own. Of how uncomfortable Roman had looked until nothing but stomach acid was left and his throat stung and the taste of sick had to be washed away with mouthwash.

The wallpaper was peeling more each day. The corner opposite him now almost fully green and blue. 

Virgil had avoided touching them. Stopping his hushed conversations with Logan each time Pathos walked into the room. Eyeing them with suspicious than slowly grew into anger. And Remus felt one of the last strings that attached him to the others snap when they cut up his usual outfit that night. Patton’s anger and sadness at making his best friend this upset coursing through him. Feeling the self hate and hate for him rip at his chest as the sash was cut to pieces. The eye attached to the outfit ripped off and stomped on.

He wasn’t sure which were his own feelings anymore.

The wallpaper was halfway off now. Green and blue replacing Cyan walls. Remus focused on the green parts and silently wished for freedom. When Patton threatened to drown his pet rat he numbed the thoughts until only Patton’s own remained.

Deceit hadn’t spoken to them for an entire month. Though he and Logan were together a lot. Always talking or holding up papers. Always quieting down when they entered the room.  When Pathos had confronted Deceit and had wanted to judge him for not communicating with them and say that he could at least be civil, Deceit had actually hissed at them.

“I’m not speaking to you until you give me my friend back Patton.” 

Remus had cried that night. Patton having left him on the bed as always. Unmoving. Unresponsive to the almost freezing temperature in his room and the fact that he couldn’t use his blanket to get warm because it had been ripped to pieces.  He laid there the entire night. Tears simply streaming down his face as he stared at the wall he was facing. The grey colour of it a nice change to the usual green and blue that had completely taken over the room.

Unmoving when Patton broke his mirror the next morning when they fused again and he had felt tired and cold.

Roman had begun to look at them strangely. His expression was so sad that Remus could feel the hurt from where he was sitting. His brother had stopped talking to them all together after the conversation they’d had. Remus had gotten enough of his willpower back from hearing his brother begging them to un-fuse, to please have his brother back, to finally take action.

They were having dinner when it happened.

Pathos had called all the sides to the dinner table. Wanting to spend some time with all of them because ‘we never talk any more kiddos!’

They were holding the pot of spaghetti, about to put it on the table when they froze.

Virgil cursed loudly when the hot spaghetti dropped onto his lap and arms. Though cursed even louder when he looked to the side and saw the pot lying on the ground and next to it, gripping their head and slowly being consumed by light, was Pathos.

“Stay together! I’m not letting you leave!” A voice, sounding more like Patton’s then the one they had gotten used to coming from the ball of light. All of the sides having jumped up, Logan and Deceit ushering the other two back. Holding their arms out protectively.

“It’s better like this! We’re better like th-” “No!”

And with Remus’ voice, hoarse and terrified sounding, echoing through the room, one silhouette split into two.

And there were Patton and Remus. Patton quickly jumping up from his place on the ground and staring down at Remus with fury in his eyes. His usual outfit on like always. Fists bawled, teeth gritted. Furious.

Patton was about to open his mouth to say something to Remus when he was stopped by a hand gripping his arm. He whipped around to see Logan shake his head. Holding back Deceit, Virgil and Roman with his other arm. The three of them looked ready to kill.

“Go,” Logan said simply. It wasn’t comforting. Wasn’t even a warning. No, with the cold tone and cold eyes and arm holding back the other three it sounded more like a threat than anything else.

Because Remus didn’t look well.

Remus lay curled up on the ground. Not having moved a muscle since they un-fused. Arms around his legs and head bowed down slightly. Eyes staring at something they couldn’t see. Wearing an old t-shirt and joggers instead of his usual outfit. Muscle mass almost completely was gone.

Roman’s vision what white with anger, breath uneven and harsh as he tried to calm himself. Deceit was visibly shaking and Virgil had run out of the room as soon as they knew for sure that Patton had locked himself in his own one. Logan was frozen in place for a good few seconds, snapping out of it as soon as Roman rushed passed him, dropping down to his knees next to his brother.

“Remus? Remus, it’s me! Can you hear me?”

The only response he got was a tear slipping from his brother’s eye. No movement. Rising and falling of his chest the only thing moving his body.

“What the fuck did he do to you…?” Came Deceit’s whisper, coming to sit next to Roman on the floor and lifting Remus’ head up slightly to lay it on his lap.

When Deceit began to carefully card his fingers through grimy hair Remus’ pinky twitched.

“He’s getting back his responses. Keep going.” That was Logan, kneeling down at Remus’ feet and putting a hand on the side’s ankle to show that he was here.

Another twitch.

When Roman carefully wrapped his arms around his brother and leaned his head onto his arm Remus did a full-body shiver and his gaze dropped.

Remus moved his hands. And after repeating the same gestures a few times Logan realised that he was using sign language. “He’s signing your name Roman.” And Roman burst into tears.

“Yes! Yes, Remus, I’m here! We’re all here okay? Logan, Dee, all three of us are here for you okay?”

‘Deceit?’ he signed

The ghost of moralities thoughts swirled in his head. Mixed together with his own so much so that he didn’t know which were his own anymore.

A part of him said Deceit was bad. Evil, wrong, bad, snake, liar.

Another part wanted to simply be held by his long term friend and short term crush. Wanted to be comforted like he would have been had none of this happened.  Wouldn’t Deceit have seemed scared to touch him like he would break if he did something wrong.

‘Tired,’ is what he signed instead of the thousands of words he’d been wanting to say. And the three of them seemed to understand.

So Logan picked him up. And Remus tried to ignore the panic that shot through him at being touched so suddenly. Tried to ignore the feeling of wanting to be closer and of knowing that he also felt something for Logan because that would be too complicated. 

And when they entered his room he tried to ignore his twisting stomach when all three of them gasped. Deceit insisting he tells them what had happened. Why it looked so empty.

‘He made us destroy it. Had to behave.’ He signed. Happier than anything that he had taken the time to learned to sign a few years ago.

“He…what?” “What is it? What did he say?” Roman pressed Logan, the logical side carefully laying Remus down in his bed, summoning a blanket that was clearly his own and putting it over the creative trait before answering the question. Looking at Deceit and Roman, a frown carved into his face.

“He said that Patton made them destroy his belongings so he would behave.” “He WHAT?!” Deceit roared. And the lump on the bed jumped at the loud noise. 

“I’m going to tear that fucker apart!” “Deceit wait! That wouldn’t do him any good right now,” Logan tried to argue. Trying to calm down the fuming Deceit.

It seemed to help a bit. Dee sitting down on the bed next to Roman and holding his head in his hands while Logan summoned a comb and slowly began to work through the knots.

For now, they just had to make sure Remus was alright, Deceit decided. He’d get Patton back for this eventually.

 -

The aftermath of the abuse (because Logan had said, that’s the only way to describe this,) was heavy.

Remus had to learn how to move on his own again. Seemingly having completely forgotten that he had to move his own limbs after such a long time of not being in control. 

Logan had, after a long conversation with Remus where not a word was spoken, reported back to the other two to tell them that his muscle mass had declined so much because he had barely moved, if at all, in the last few months.

He had to learn how to walk again. They got him crutches once he could properly lean on his arms again and watched him hobble around the new common room.

Patton had moved his room to another part of the imagination. If he was too ashamed or too stubborn they didn’t know. They still made videos together. But Remus never showed up. Leaving Deceit to fill in his place. He and Patton were never in the same video and the conversations Patton had with the others were short and harsh. 

Virgil was indecisive. He and Remus had never gotten along. But as soon as Logan had told him what had happened he felt sick every time he saw Patton.

So Virgil moved to the grey. The neutral part of the imagination where nobody ever went to and that nobody could find unless you weren’t looking for it. He came by on occasion. Talking with Logan or Roman, bickering with Deceit. But it wasn’t quite the same as it had once been.

Roman and Deceit both went and taught themselves sign language. Roman wanting to be able to communicate with his brother once they had realised that he seemed to have completely forgotten how to speak and Deceit wanting to be there in any way possible.

Remus was able to walk again after a month of practice. Wandering around the living room and swinging along gently when music played.

He worked out together with his brother. His strength returning slowly until he was able to enter the imagination again to go on a quest together with Roman.

He grew closer to Deceit as he had ever been. When they finally decided to put a label on things it had felt natural and nothing had changed.

Half a year later and Remus admitted to having fallen for Logan as well. Tears streaming down his face and fingers shaking as he signed the message. 

And Deceit had hugged him and kissed his tears away. Telling him that it was alright and that they could figure this out. And after a month or two Deceit announced that he wouldn’t mind Logan joining their relationship. Roman just happy for his brother and his friends and baking them a cake for the occasion.

And not everything was alright.

Remus wore soft sweaters and leggings. Refusing to put on the outfit Roman had remade for him. 

And they never baked and made a mess of the kitchen while loudly singing Disney songs at 10 am again because the ghost of the thoughts was still present and he refused to make any noise before he was certain everybody was awake. Never sat on the couch together to watch crappy horror movies and laughing at how terrible the special effects were because the voice of Patton was scowling at him that these people had put effort into this movie and ‘why would you mock something like this when everything you create is so much crueller?’ Never danced in the living room to Panic! at the disco, with energy so high it could match Patton’s when he had too much sugar because his mind told him that acting like that was foolish and a waste of his brothers time. 

He didn’t speak his mind like he had done before. Only said what was necessary. No vulgar or odd thoughts. No weird or exciting ideas. Nothing because he had been convinced that it was wrong. That he, his whole nature, his whole being, was wrong.

Remus understood then that Patton didn’t fuse with him because he liked it or wanted to help him. Morality wanted nothing more than to break him.

But life went on and healing was a slow and painful process.

When, after nearly a year of silence, Remus spoke his first words, his boyfriends and his brother had hugged him close while crying happy tears. 

And when, after nearly a year, his brother invited him for movie night again he had agreed.

And when, after nearly two years, he didn’t flinch anymore when somebody made a sudden gesture towards him nobody said anything but he knew they noticed.

And when, after nearly two years, the voice in his head that wasn’t his and the thoughts that weren’t his own began to quiet down, he didn’t say anything. Though his boyfriends noticed that he slept better. And his brother noticed that he spoke his mind from time to time.

And when, after nearly two years, he was dancing to Panic! at the disco in the living room with energy so high it could match Logan’s when talking about the stars, he felt that, though nothing would be the same again, though nothing would ever be quite whole again, he might be able to be okay again.

-

So Uhm… Here ya go?  This was extremely heavy even for me so I’m sorry I guess?  A very quick thing for all the Patton stans that are gonna come for my chins after this: I love him a lot. I love all of them a lot. I just, at the moment, think unsympathetic Patton is interesting to write.

Anyways. Hope this is kinda what you imagined Lance? Yeh. Okay. Bye.

-

Idk if I should put my taglist (I’m gonna but I hope y’all are mindful of the warnings and tell me if you wanna be excluded from heavier stuff/ removed.)

Taglist: @purp-man @crazycookie13o @deceitifullies101 @sapphire-knight @ragingdumpsterfiremess @chronophobica @lance-alt

[shes-fast-like-me]

i know how much it matters to you

i know how much it matters to you

AO3 Link

Pairing(s): Established Lifetane, Gibby x his boyfriend

Word Count: 1,791

Warnings: Mentions of childhood neglect and bad parents, discussion of mental illness and trauma, alcohol. (Tell me if you feel anything else should be tagged!)

may was borderline personality disorder awareness month (alongside being adhd awareness and mental health awareness month in general) so i decided to project onto my fave. the symptoms of it aren’t 100% being portrayed here but this is something i feel like a lot of us relate to so?? idk man emotional impermanence be like that

=+=+=+=

"Here comes the big man himself!" Elliott called, twisting around in his seat to wave Makoa over to sit with them in the living space.

"Show us the ring!" Ajay beamed as the tall man made his way over to the other Legends gathered around their small makeshift coffee table. He held out his hand, a rather dainty bejeweled silver ring on his ring finger. Everyone cooed over it.

"You're so lucky, man," Elliott said, handing Makoa a beer as he sat down on the couch next to him, "congrats."

"Aye, thanks bruddahs," Makoa grinned from ear to ear. The man was always bright and full of smiles but Octavio swore he has never seen him this happy. He was almost radiant.

"When's the weddin'?" Ajay asked, sitting back against Octavio's side and sipping on her mocktail. She always hated alcohol so the drink was as fruity and non-alcoholic as Elliott could possibly mix up.

"Spring of next year," Makoa said, "We want some time on our honeymoon before the next season, so,"

Everyone nodded in agreement. The season breaks between spring and summer were a little longer than the autumn to winter breaks and since Makoa was proposed to this spring it gave them extra time to plan everything. Makoa and his fiancé had relatives all over the Frontier and would probably want to plan the wedding at a time when the most family members could attend. And the other Legends, of course.

"So," Octavio set his empty cocktail glass down and picked up a can of beer off the table. He could get a little drunk, it was only their first night back onto the dropship, the new season kicking off in two days. "Any idea for wedding gifts?"

He was loaded. He could afford pretty much anything they wanted.

"Ah, no, it's no problem, bruddah-"

"No, no, I insist," He decided to pour the beer into his empty glass anyway, not wanting to waste the ice cubes still sitting at the bottom, "anything you like, I got it."

Makoa laughed. "Just you showing up is enough for me."

"Alright," Octavio sat down into the headrest but still decided he was going to buy Makoa and his fiancé something anyway. After all, that's what you do at weddings, right? Octavio has been to many weddings before, many of them being his own father's, and the couple was always gifted a fancy car or yacht or something of the sort.

He mostly just tuned out the rest of the conversation. Talk of weddings always reminded him of his dad and how weddings were a near weekly occurance for him. He wanted to go for Makoa's sake, of course, and he would force himself to even if Ajay told him it was okay to stay home if it got too overwhelming. He'd just get blackout drunk at the party and probably just dissociate the whole evening, but he was willing to do that for his friend.

Later that evening, Octavio lay on Ajay's bed as they watched anime together on the small holo-TV provided in their temporary rooms. Octavio buried his face into Ajay's pink hair as they spooned, his arm around her waist. He would've fallen asleep if his anxiety wasn't keeping him up. If he had his legs on right now they'd be tapping away furiously, probably disturbing Ajay from watching the show altogether. Octavio kinda missed tapping his feet, he couldn't sleep without moving them and now that he didn't have them he'd imagine the sensation, like a ghost, and get sad whenever he realized it wasn't real. But that's such a small thing to get upset about.

His fingers grazed against the skin showing between Ajay's t-shirt and her sweatpants, tapping on the waistband as he worked up the courage to ask a question that has been itching at his brain all evening.

"Baby?" he said, uncertain of how to begin. She looked at him over her shoulder. "Have you ever thought.... about marriage?"

Instantly he cringed at the phrasing and tried to fix it. "I mean, not to me, necessarily. I'm just wondering- If you ever want to get married?"

She looked back towards the TV with a smile. "Depends who's askin'," she replied simply, "not at the moment though, I'm too busy. But it would be nice in the future."

Octavio bit his lip and really had the urge to tap his missing feet. The fear ached in his chest and he could feel his hands sweating. "I don't think I wanna get married," he said it quickly, almost afraid to hear her reaction. Verbally retracting as if he expected her to hit him or something. Why was that his instinctual reaction? No one ever hit him for speaking out.

She looked down at his hand and lightly brushed her fingers over his knuckles. "That's fine," she said but he couldn't pick up the tone. It made it feel worse. Was she upset? Was she hoping for a different answer?

"It's not," it took all his strength not to let his voice crack, assuming that she wasn’t satisfied with his answer. She turned to look at him properly. He tried to blink away the tears starting to form in his eyes.

"Babe, it's all fine. We don't have to get married. You don't have to get married, ever, if that's what makes you comfortable."

"But I want to," he said, voice trembling. "I want to make you happy if that’s what you want."

"I don't need marriage to be happy in life." She held his hand comfortingly and traced circles into it. "Besides, who says I'm gon' marry you?" She joked and he loved the way her nose scrunched up when she smiled at him. It lifted some of the weight off his chest and he smiled at the joke despite the tears.

"Okay," he swallowed and wiped the tears from his eyes, his fingers shaking.

"It's alright," she pushed the hair out of his eyes. He admired all the freckles dotting her skin. If Ajay let him stare at her for a while he could count them and maybe calm down a little bit, but that'd be weird of him to ask.

He let out a breath, "it's just," the tears were back but the tension of holding them in and bottling everything up was gone, "I don't want to be like my father."

"You're not." She whispered and studied his face as he continued.

"I don't wanna have kids and have them go through the same shit I did." Tears spilled from his eyes and down the sides of his cheeks. It hurt to think about treating his kids the way he was treated. He didn't even think his childhood had affected him that much until now. But it did, it hurt, it hurt to be ignored your whole life and live with no constants. He was constantly scared of everyone abandoning him, of things being taken away from him. Everything was so temporary to him, even Ajay. What if they got married and one day she decided she didn't love him anymore? How would he even handle something like that? He'd be crushed.

"You're not ya father," Ajay said calmly, bringing his hand up to her lips and kissing his knuckles, "and I've seen ya with my li'l cousins. You'd be a great dad. You said yaself you'd never want to hurt them the way your dad did, so you won't. Not intentionally."

"Do you think my father intended to hurt me?" He asked, his tone a little more passionate than he had intended it to be. "Obviously it was out of his control how I would react to-"

"Tavi, he did awful things to ya. You're allowed to be upset about it."

"But if I don't make excuses for him, how can I excuse my own shitty actions?" He covered his face and dug his palms into his eye sockets, blocking her out from his blurry view. "I'm even worse." His voice broke.

"You're not. You're ill. Ya just need some time and help to get things right. You're taking those steps. Your father never even considered that. That's what makes ya better than him."

It's true, he did have a therapist now, trying to help him manage the many disorders and issues he got stuck with. And he was trying so hard to be better, but it all felt so useless sometimes when he kept acting like this, being like this. Whenever he relapsed, whenever he split on someone, whenever he acted out or isolated or dissociated or cried. He always felt like he was taking steps backwards, not forwards.

"Listen, I know recovery's not easy for ya," she tapped her fingers on his chest and he moved his hands from his face to look at her as she spoke. "But you're pushin’ through it regardless. And I'm gon' be here for ya all the way through it, ya hear me? I'm not goin’ anywhere."

"Everyone says that." He sniffled.

"Yeah, well, I mean it," she said, "and I'll promise this to ya, that I won't leave ya alone no matter how hard it gets." She looked directly into his eyes, her soft voice calming his thoughts.

"Here," she said and took a beaded bracelet off her wrist. It was one of those kandi bracelets she sometimes wore, this one pink and purple with the word "LOVE" spelled out on it. "It's a promise." She held it out to him.

He looked at her hand, puzzled.

"It's like a promise ring. It should make ya feel better to have a physical representation of my promise to ya. I read that it helps with BPD to-"

He sat up and hugged her. "Thank you," he murmured into her shoulder. She pat his back and when they released each other he took the bracelet and put it on his wrist. "Thank you, " he breathed out again.

"Ya welcome." She smiled softly and honestly, her smile momentarily lit up the room. He was so lucky to have her.

"Now, can we finish the show? This next episode's the best one." She gestured with the remote to the paused screen. He hadn't even noticed when she paused it to speak to him. He smiled and nodded, laying back down on his side, her snuggling into him as she pressed 'play'.

"I'm sorry if I ruined the evening." He apologized.

"Ya didn't. I still love ya." She said and took his hand in hers, their fingers intertwined.

And after watching that magical girl show and breathing in her flowery perfume, Octavio finally found himself able to peacefully drift off to sleep for the night.

=+=+=+=

Taglist: @herondaleatheart @brontophile @moontearchild @soulheartthewolf @hey-its-mika @xbeaxbeax (You may always ask to be added or taken off the list! Being on the taglist notifies you of whenever I post a fic so if you are interested, please message me!)

[devintrinidad]

So since you’re working on a Cancer driven story. I’m going to ramble about the semi popular reverse role au where 3802 is the WBC and 1146 is the RBC. I’ve only seen some (really good) fanart (by the same blog that did fanart of some of your stories!) and read one or two stories on it. But today some stuff hit me and I want to try to make hc’s on how that’s a thing.

For starters In this verse some things are switched around. The whole shock incident happened already. I wanted DB5963 to be around and the shock incident wouldn’t propel 1146’s character development any since I see him as being already RBC.

Anyway 1146, 2001, 4989, 2048 and 2626 are all RBCs (I’m kind of thinking Esinophil too. If only because I wanted her to still be 1146’s close childhood friend. Or Idk, maybe she can be a cell who grew up to be a young Macrophage so she’s still someone he knows since childhood even if it’s not the same. But whatever).

On the flip side, 3803, 5100, 4201, PO1076 and 4201 are all WBCs. 

1146 is pretty much a perfect RBC. He’s experienced. He’s always savvy about routes and knows his way around the body so well he doesn’t even need to carry a map. He’s brave and relentless in the face of danger. He knows how to maneuver around bad areas so often times he’ll recklessly run past bacteria and figure out how to use his environment to his advantage. He’s seen as a great role model of a proper, if not a little extreme, RBC.

3803 is still a little fresh. She gets easily flustered about sudden calls for help in areas she’s unfamiliar with. She’s a bit absent minded with her weapons and sometimes might drop her sword (I’m inspired from CAW Black where the female WBCs all have swords instead of knifes. In this verse just for fun, guys wield daggers, girls wield swords) which her friends are always finding and giving it back with various ranges of amusement to anger born of worry. It’s not that she’s a horribly clumsy. 3803 is a good weapon user. But she’s more into the hand punching to leg kicking to bite ripping flesh combat. Sometimes in the heat of the moment she’ll surprise her enemy by going ape on them and then surprise herself when she realizes she lost her weapon somewhere.

And yeah she still gets lost easily and often is found helpless stuck in walls while transmigrating.

Before I go into the rest, I’ll go over the others: 5100 is 3803’s main mentor in the squad. She’s both supportive and faithful to helping 3803 grow. But she also worries and acts more protective since their line of work is more dangerous. She calls 3803 on the radio several times a day and if 3803 doesn’t check in fast enough, she panics. Her and 1076 are the typical brute warrior WBCs. They stick to protocol and do what’s expected of them. They’re typically always a duo so they have excellent teamwork. But 5100 displays her best teamwork with 3803 when the two are in berserk mode at it’s best.

5963 is a new addition that came with the armada of RBCs. He quickly established himself as the unofficial leader of the squad without any fuss from anyone. His positive and relaxed demeanor makes him easy to work with. However he’s the most experienced so he’s no softy on the battlefield. He’s brutal and can scare any non immune cell watching into fainting.

4201 is the newest recruit to the squad. She came sometimes after the shock incident so she wasn’t there to witness the end of the world. She’s a prodigy in her knowledge of Bacteria weakness multiple forms of self defense. She knows protocol like the back of her hand and is above average in nearly all areas. Her biggest weakness is that she gets easily defeated in overwhelming situations and will lose her nerve if there’s a enemy she thinks she can’t win against. She’s assigned to shadow 3803 around her big moment of realizing she has a lot to learn from 3803 is when Cancer shows up. Beyond that she usually partners with 3803 for patrols. Also she dislikes the Killer Ts and finds a lot of them obnoxious but is professional enough to never let that interfere with work.

Also 4989 is the RBC who is always trying to invent better ways to transport packages. One time he slingshot his oxygen delivery into a 3rd story window and nearly knocked the poor Normal cell out. 

Anyway, 1146 met 3803 while on the job. She was stuck in the wall and desperately calling for backup on the radio. Everyone was busy so 1146, having pity for the pathetic WBC, came over to pull her out. Before she could even thank him, he was one his way barely giving her a glance. 1146 wasn’t one for gossip or prejudice. He respected the immune system for what they did and had no ill will. But he was a professional and never had any reason or interest to interact with, much less be thanked by, them. He was a good guy but he wasn’t in the mindset for making friends with other cell types. 

The weird WBC however didn’t think that. She followed after him asking for directions to the lungs. If this was any other WBC, 1146 admits he’d feel a little nervous since immune cells, from his pov, typically only interact with you to protect you or slay you if you’ve become a threat (1146 is experienced enough to have seen the latter happen to a few of his brethren). But this weird WBC came off as so unusual and weak he wondered if even a platelet could take her. The impression got worse when a Killer T and his squad showed up to mock her for her weakling status and how she was probably going to die and get the RBC killed with her.

It made him wonder if he should worry about his life or hers more.

He showed her to the lungs and parted ways. Determined to make his delivery on time so he could help out 4989 later with his double shipments as promised. Along the way the Bacteria shows up and 1146 distracts it from chasing other RBCs by throwing himself in harms way. Thinking this is it, he determines at least he made the delivery and saved some other RBCs. 3803 pops up at the last moment. Tumbling from the ceiling in a rather ungraceful way. But she doesn’t care. She’s just grateful she made it to the right vent this time!

3803 attacks the bacteria to defend 1146 and all other RBCs. She slashes away and nearly gets her head cut off a few times. 1146 uses the time to warn off all other RBCs, but can’t help but linger nearby to see if she’ll make it. When the bacteria is about to kill a wandering cell, 3803 goes berserk and ditches the sword and starts ripping into the monster. It’s the goriest thing 1146 has ever seen. 1146 sees the sneeze capsule and calls 3803’s attention to it. She gets the idea and pushes the bacteria to the spot and manages to push the button and save the day. She thanks 1146 again for his help and then starts doting on his injured hand by wrapping it up in bandages. Much to his surprise since she’s the one covered in gashes and ooze. She asks if they’ll meet again. He doesn’t think so. But he makes sure his goodbye is a little warmer then the last two times. He gives her his handkerchief so she can wipe her face and see a little better before parting ways.

That’s how the first meeting goes.

Some more hc’s.

3803 is a berserk beast. It wasn’t always apparent but one day when her favorite platelet, Leader Chan, got threatened. She went absolutely savage and all out. She will channel all her determination to win into a primal rage that has other WBCs respecting her more after that. Say what they will, she has that protective instinct and willingness to never give up down down to near perfection.

1146 will retrieve her weapons when he finds them and give them back to her. He often worries someone won’t pick them up for her or she’ll forget to find them if her signal goes off. If he doesn’t see her with her sword after a battle, he will automatically start looking for it.

Despite 3803 being the WBC, 1146 eventually becomes VERY protective of her. Almost overprotective. He helps her when she’s lost no matter what. He always checks out allyways to make sure she’s not stuck. He always helps her find her weapon. He immediately shuts up any ungrateful Normal cell or RBC that makes fun of her or acts rude in a very cold manner. Even if she’s not around to hear it.

One time he saw Killer T yelling at her after a fierce battle with Influenza. He was scolding her harshly for getting herself injured being so soft when saving a Normal cell instead of being more vigilante. If she wasn’t so useless she could do both easily. Her eyes start to water and she apologizes a lot and promises to do better. She runs off and before Killer T can react, 1146 is up in his face and very calmly asks him to never yell at her for trying to do her job the best she can. 1146 then coolly leaves Killer T stunned that some punk RBC just scolded him in a calm rage without any fear. Killer T and 1146 still have a unusual relationship in this verse (1146 is savvy enough to know Killer T can yell all he wants but he can’t hit him).

3803 will often tag along with 1146 during his deliveries and he teaches her all the routes he knows and how to better navigate. He comes to really enjoy it and gets a bit disappointed when she has to run off during one of her stories about her day.

NK cell first befriended 3803 in this verse solely because she seems to piss off Killer T so much (Killer T actually does respect her growth a bit and care about what happens to 3803 as a fellow immune cell. Yelling harshly is partly his way of caring. But her antics still annoy him). 3803 considers NK to be the coolest immune cell in the body (after 5100 or tied). NK gets flustered yet pleased with this attention and acts like another big sis to her.

1146 will wipe her face for her with handkerchiefs if she gets too much guts on them. 

Cancer meets both 1146 and 3803 the first time around while they on walking together. She doesn’t realize he’s a cancer cell until much later. She spends almost the whole day protecting both of them from germs and Cancer appreciates 1146’s company and 3803’s kindness to other cells. When Cancer dies, 1146 approaches to pay his respects and 3803 (who landed the final blow, much to everyone’s surprise) ends up crying over him and devastated over his fate and loss of their friendship. Cancer falls in love with 3803 for being so different and unusual. He also vows to talk with 1146 again in hopes he’ll find the answer to his questions about life and destiny. 1146 is disturbed by both revelations (3803 didn’t get Cancer’s love confession to her. 1146 did and dislikes it and also how much Cancer made him think about life in ways he didn’t want to).

Uhm that might be it for now.

 ~~~~

Okay, where were you when I wrote Transmigrating Universes? XD OTL

Hahahah! Look at all of this head canons and snippets of what could really be a wonderful, well written au! Seriously, I love how you included the different relationships among characters and how they would have adapted as different cell types! Special spotlight on 4989 because he would definitely be that one innovative red blood cell while the rest try to get him to use more traditional, and standard regulated dollies. 

But, of course, the real star of the show is definitely 3803 and 1146. I love how you reworked the first chapter/episode here. It goes to show how differently they would react to different situations, how they would have adapted, and ultimately, how their relationship would evolve. Although different, there is still that sense of platonic/romantic relationship that is based on true friendship.

And that whole Cancer bit at the end,,, hahaha!

Thank you so much for the delightful, in depth analysis! It was truly inspiring and terrific!

Thank you and I hope that you have a wonderful day! :D

[nyanpoe]

(Rough) summary of the last NatsuYuu arc

Featuring chapters 106 and 107, “Visiting a late friend”. 

Note that my japanese isn’t the best, so i might have misunderstood some things.

Also: my own personal notes are in cursive.

In chapter 106 Natsume takes the wrong bus home after going to some far town (if i remember correctly Touko had asked him to run an errand or smth). Yorishima gets on that same bus and after seeing each other (they were like the only ones in the bus) they start chatting. If i remember correctly, Yorishima had offered to show him the correct bus/way home, but he was on his way to return a book to an old friend (named Kusakabe) he used to exchange letters with who had already passed away, so Natsume offers to accompany him.

We get some more insight into Yorishima’s character, how he’s pretty grumpy, asocial and a shut in. If i remember correctly, in the book he was going to deliver, which was one that Natori retrieved from his mansion in the Miharu arc, he found a letter where Kusakabe told him to go visit him someday.

When they get to the house of Yorishima’s old friend, they are greeted by his 3 beautiful daughters AND feel a weird presence in the house.

The chapter ends with Yorishima telling Natsume that Kusakabe only had 2 daughters, not 3.

Here 2 cute screenshots i took of the chapter

Chapter 107 (later part) starts with one of the letters Kusakabe wrote to Yorishima, where he talks about how he can hear his daughters (note: 娘, musume) played despite having told them to being quiet as he was writing. He also notes how he likes it when it’s lively, and contrasts it with Yorishima’s hypothetical reaction.

The daughters (who are all a bit weird and very pushy) talk a bit about Yorishima and how much their father used to talk about him. Once they leave the room, Yorishima and Natsume discuss how one of them might be an ayakashi, as he is sure Kusakabe had always wrote in his letters about only 2 daughters. 

Yorishima starts cursing about how nothing good happens whenever he leaves his house and apologizes to Natsume for dragging him into such a mess. Natsume then realizes he feels like his old self, and reassures him that going all this way for his friend is a very important thing and he'll tag along, for Kusakabe's sake, and mentally adds for Yorishima’s sake too. Natsume then kicks Nyanko-sensei outta the room and tells him to go investigate which daughter might be the imposter (since he was just eating cake and being an ass lol).

Natsume asks if there’s lead to tell apart the fake one, but Yorishima says that none of them resemble Kusakabe physically, although their mannerisms sometimes do. 

AND WE GET A FLASHBACK OF THEIR COLLEGE TIME.

In it, Kusakabe tells Yorishima (after failing to feed him an onigiri) about how he should have also gone watch the meteor shower, how pretty it was etc and how the stars seemed to go and fall from all directions, to which Yorishima was like bruh how could that be and if it wasn’t perhaps a tanuki or ghost playing a prank on him. Kusakabe says that maybe that was the reason why the rest didn’t seem to react to it, but that was all the more reason why it would have been merrier if Yorishima had been with him.

Yorishima immediately tells Kusakabe that he should confess to Kyouko-san already and that he actually would have wanted to see the meteor shower with her instead, leaving the other quite dumbfounded as meddling into other’s affairs (or even caring) was pretty out of character of him. Yorishima just answers that if his roommate is being a pain he won’t get peace either so he should be done with his business. He also tells him that he’s a good man, so there’s no way he’ll get rejected.

~end of flashback~

After that we get a 4 pages Nyanko-sensei pov of spying on the girls, who start acting all creepy, making him freaks out and run away.

The last page has a letter from Yorishima to Kusakabe, in which he thanks him for the last letter and congratulates him, saying he was surprised when he learned about his 2 daughters.

Back to Yorishima and Natsume, Yorishima seems to hold his arm, making Natsume worry and ask if it doesn’t hurt (thinking to himself that it’s the rumored ayakashi arm, and wonders if it’s really true) but the other says he was just deep in thought. They discuss about the daughters again, saying that if they look like kusakabe, what similarities they have etc. Since they dont look alike natsume asks if they dont look like the wife then, but Yorishima says he actually doesn’t know about the wife, neither name nor face. He never got to meet her, as he never met Kusakabe after college again. He says that Kusakabe wrote whatever came to mind in his letters and never got to tell him about getting married not his daughters being born, but mentions that he used to date a girl called Kyouko when they were in college. He says that they looked very happy and (not sure of the jp wording here) just looking at each other/at them? made them blush. 

Natsume assumes that that must have been his wife then, but Yorishima says that she had died in an accident. He talks about how Kusakabe used to be pretty depressed after it, but since he didn't want to make Kyouko sad he came back to his usual self eventually. Still, he didn’t date anyone after that, that’s why he was very surprised when reading the letter talking about his daughters. Knowing that he was able to form a family, after everything that happened, made him so happy he started trembling.

Nyanko-sensei interrupts them and cries a bit about how the girls were Too Much. After that, the lights go off and Yorishima runs to check that the girls are ok. He starts mildly gay panicking bc he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to his friend’s house. He says to himself that it would have been better if Kusakabe had at least told him how his daughters were called, and remembers the note in the book asking him to come pay a visit someday.

He runs into the youkai and asks who is she, to which she replies that she is kusakabes daughter. Yorishima says that he only had 2 so that's not possible but she says that Kusakabe just never got to tell him about the 3rd (among us voice kinda sus). She tells him that if he catches her she'll tell him the full story. While chasing for her, he starts shouting that it’s Kusakabe’s house, even if he passed away, saying in his mind “isn’t anywhere anymore”, it’s the house of his dear friend, and he won’t forgive her if she tries to do something to his beloved daughters.

He catches the youkai and: turns out all the daughters were DOLLS.

Apparently, Kusakabe bought 2 dolls at an antique shop and when writing the letter, he used the word musume, which can mean either daughter or simply young girl. The daughters say he had realized that Yorishima misunderstood and thought he meant biological daughters, but decided to play along and keep using musume when talking about them. And so, when Yorishima visited him, he would learn the truth. He looked forward to when he would come and find out.  That’s why the dolls decided to carry on with that wish, and tell him about how fun and merry Kusakabe’s time there had been.

(Here comes the part where I’m not really sure about some things, and I’m not sure either what they are referring to Exactly so I might have misinterpreted it.)

The dolls say they were actually upset at him for never once visiting Kusakabe, but that seeing his arm they understand he couldnt come. Then, Natsume thinks to himself "to his dear friend... (deepl translation:) in the midst of all the bewitchment...". Yorishima here regrets not being more sincere in his replies to the many letters Kusakabe sent because he thinks that’s probably why he stopped sending them (i think?),and the daughters ask him if he knows why he died. When Yorishima says he heard he died of illness, they say: "yes, the reason is similar to yours (that i understand maybe i read it wrong). he simply stopped sending letters when he lost the strength in his handwriting". (when he didnt have enough strenght to write properly basically, bc that’s shittily worded).  Here they show that Kusakabe told his daughters that Yorishima is very intelligent and his own handwriting was very strong and beautiful, so he would notice and get weird worries. 

The daughters then say that there are a lot of letters he never got to send. 

In one of those letters, he writes Yorishima that he had ordered a new doll for his daughters, so it seemed like his house would become even more lively (and also something about a job but idk if it refers to the doll or smth else). A sepparate bubble shows: “one day, when you come...”.

With the book being returned, the daughters have then acomplished their mission. When they leave Natsume wonders what will they do from now on.  Here Natsume wonders about Yorishima’s regrets, the reason why he couldnt pay a visit to his friend, and his own duty with the book of friends.

Yorishima thanks Natsume for his helps and Natsume says its a good thing he came to see him (aka Kusakabe). He is holding the book open, and as the wind makes the pages flip one last note, with a pretty shaky handwriting ,appears between them. Natsume asks what does it say.

Yorishima says that it just says as usual, just some foolish things.

[mechaspirit]

Blades Modern AU Headcanon (Animal Lover)

Author’s Note: So thanks to @lxdy-starfury​ and @garlickk​​ with their Modern AU arts and headcanons, I decided to hope in and decided to create a headcanon of the same them with my BOLAS/Blades MC, Aurelia Nightbloom. It mostly describe what she would be like instead of an elf adventurer in the book. Hope you enjoy. And thanks you two for the inspiration. Hope you’ll continue to work on them. ❤️

Headcanon

In the book, Aurelia has an ability to communicate and handle wild animals/exotic creatures. In this AU, she is studying to become a veterinarian.

Hobbies include video games (fantasy is her favorite genre), reading fairy tales, stargazing, jogging to the park, and archery. Became archery champion in high school.

Likes: coffee, ice cream, cakes, street fashion

Dislikes: spiders (yes, she has at least one animal that she dislikes), assholes.

Both she and Kade were adopted.

They later got an apartment of their own and live together.

Kade is a writer.

He visits his sister at work and sometimes brings her lunch if she forgets it.

Also, share interests in fantasy movies and books.

Used to work in a coffee shop before she was given a job at the clinic.

Along with Kade, Nia is also their roommate.

Nia was studying medicine. Possibly to become a doctor and pharmacist.

Aurelia hangs out with Nia in the morning. And sometimes will do some shopping.

Nia is a better cook than Aurelia so dinner is handled by the former and Kade.

It was Aurelia’s and Nia’s ideas to get a pet. Well, two actually.

They managed to adopt two cats, named Threep and Loola. (yes, I’m making them real cats in this AU).😆

Loola is the most behaved one out of the two. Threep keeps meowing for food.

They still have to deal with cat furs and dirty litters.

Don’t worry, they loved them.

I’m thinking about having Rela first meet Mal when he is either looking for a dog or takes his dog to the vet she was working at.

Short note, she and doggo became best friends.

And of course, Mal too. He’s her drinking buddy and hangs out with her at night. Sometimes with the other gang.

When giving advice on how to take care of a dog, Mal goes to Aurelia. Doesn’t care if she’s not the owner of the clinic. He only trusts her with his dog.

Aurelia first met Imtura in a self-defense class. What? The former sometimes work late at night. You think she’s gonna get herself in danger? Probably get robbed or something worse? HELL NO!

Imtura gave her tips in her fighting.

It may be just me, but I have a feeling Imtura might be more into sea animals. I mean, she’s a pirate after all. She would be more fascinated if she saw a shark or stingray. Or maybe an octopus.

Well, they both have to go to an aquarium to visit them. Aurelia hasn’t got a chance to work with aquatic animals much.

And like Mal, Imtura is Aurelia’s other drinking buddy. Wouldn’t mind hanging out the bars with Aurelia watching Imtura arm wrestle with the other dudes.

So how Aurelia met with Tyril...let’s say there was a coffee incident. She was in a rush and accidentally bumped into him, spilling her coffee onto his outfit. How embarrassing. He didn’t make a scene thank god, but he is a little rude to her. Guess he’s more irritated that Aurelia got in the way instead of ruining his shirt. Still, Aurelia called him a jerk out of ear sight.

I think @lxdy-starfury​ mentioned somewhere in her headcanons that he does horse riding. Idk, I forgot. And could be wrong. But assuming he does horse-back riding, he does have his own personal horse he takes care of. Everyday, he would be the one to groom the horse himself after a ride. Wouldn’t allow anyone else to take care of him. (Maybe except Adrina).

Something went wrong with the horse, possibly illness (he turned out to be fine later. Don’t worry). And the boss at the clinic got a call from the Starfury’s estate that their horse needs help. So the boss brought Aurelia as his assistant because she is the best co-worker in the clinic and has worked with horses a couple of times.

And look how small the world is, because Aurelia and Tyril met again at his estate. And poor Aurelia had to hold herself back from chewing him out.

But don’t worry, they eventually got along better. After Tyril sees how well Aurelia handles his horse. And they got to hang out after each check-up. A tour around the house. Sometimes offering to teach her how to ride a horse.

She and Adrina got along pretty well. Often the latter teases them of liking each other more than friends.

Tyril later got added to the gang. Though not much of a people person tbh. Hard to get him to do something outside of his comfort, but just mention the name “Aurelia” and he’s in.

That’s about it. I may add more to it later. But hey, feel free to leave an ask if there’s anything else I have in mind for this. 😁❤️💜💙

Also Tagging these people to see this: @scgdoeswhat , @princessstellaris​ , @queenaryn , @itsagoodluckkiss,@sophie-summer , @xo-endlessmayhem-xo , @endlessly-searching-for-you , @sceptilemasterr , @blightarts and @daniela2510 and @mysteli !

[winnerloser]

idk who needed to hear this today but 

if you use fanart for anything, you give credit for it.

usually i would just implore you guys to at your own discretion but. 

i think sometimes people forget that if you use fanart without explicitly asking for the author’s permission, that's stealing. but obviously no one has ill intent behind it with this hobby, which is why crediting is important. it’s the least you can do.

it doesnt matter how much you use the fanart. even if it only appears on your blog once. even if it’s just a throwaway icon for a gag. even if you replace the icon with new icons from somewhere else. if it was on your blog at some point, and you don’t intend on deleting it, and it’s still on there, you give credit for it.

there’s maybe some leeway if you commissioned the art and/or the artist already cosigned you to using it without giving permission. but that’s the only special instance i can think of.

in that same vein, please just look on artist’s profiles to see if they allow reposting in the first place. if their account says no reproduction/no reposting/DONT USE MY ART.... don’t use it. if the bio is in japanese, chinese, korean, whatever- google translate it. i know google translate can suck but it’ll easily convey what you need to be looking for. 

if you’re one to think that you don’t want to use source media like screenshots or mangacaps because fanart is prettier, don’t ignore the fact that the people providing you the luxury to do so are just that- people, who spent hours to draw what could amount to just one or two icons. who could’ve drawn what you were using as a commission for someone else. who more than likely posted the image without any idea what you’re using it for-- more importantly;

without any idea what you’re using the image to represent, what messages you’re trying to convey- with their image. the fact that the subject is a copyrighted character/isn’t theirs doesn’t change the fact that the drawing in and of itself is still their creation.

it would behoove you to start keeping tabs of the sources you intend to pull from. if you see a piece from pixiv you think you’ll consider pulling from- pluck it, save it, so later when you open photoshop you’re not sitting with the pulled image thats titled computer jibberish with no artist’s signature.

YOU KNOW WHAT? i’ll go you one even better than that.

When you save an image from pixiv - this one for example, by default it’ll save it as 78827921_p0_master1200.jpg.  78827921 is the image ID. https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/78827921 will take you back to that image. Plug in any other ID, and it’ll go back to its source. There you go. Easy if you accidentally forgot to keep tabs.

nobody is entitled to the usage of another person’s art, and if you use the excuse that [just by virtue of OP posting it on the internet, it’s free gain], that’s bullshit.

if you post anything- even a text post or roleplay thread- going by that same logic, anyone should be allowed to reblog it, remix it, go to town on it; it’s on the open internet, after all... right? No. you’re entitled to security in the things you post. you don’t really need to say “don’t/ask to reblog” in the tags for people to get the hint to not or ask first if they feel inclined to. if you believe you’re entitled to that comfort and respect, i don’t see why that mindset can’t be translated to fit the situation of artists. even if you don’t give a shit how your stuff gets circulated, at least try to look at it in the way that not everyone is you.

and not everyone is me, so some may be wondering still why they can’t just go ahead and do what they want so long as they’re not hurting people/keeping it lowkey. i mean, at the end of the day, there’s nothing i can do about it either. you can totally do whatever you want, im not denying that. but just know that you’re not 100% in the clear from getting discovered by somebody. you’re not impervious to being found. and reposting/art being used or transformed without credit or consent is a very real reason that artists get upset or even sometimes lock their profiles, delete, or stop drawing/posting, or stop making their art publically available. this is NOT just a western philosophy. asian artists do this just as well- hell, you could even say that some are even more stringent about etiquette when it comes to treating their works with respect. that includes reposting policies.

if you’re too tired/busy/lazy/forgetful/cursed to credit, that’s 100% not an excuse lol. or if you’re thinking, crap, i have all these nicely done assets that i’ve created but it’ll be too difficult to go back and retroactively find the sources!

idk what to tell u but tough titties bro thats a you problem*

uh, so to end this:

再版ポリシーが破られている場合は、お知らせください。すぐに画像を削除します。このブログから利益を得ることも、失礼することも意図していません。再版は許可されているが、クレジットがない場合は、お知らせください。修正いたします。ありがとうございます、失礼します。

如果违反了您的转载政策，请告知我们。我会立即删除图像。它无意从此博客中受益或无礼。如果允许转载，但信用不正确，请告知我们。我会马上改正的。谢谢，不好意思。祝好

this is in my credit’s page at the bottom. i can’t vouch for the japanese, but i can say with more certainty that the chinese is legible. if someone is better at japanese and has any adjustments they’d recommend, please do so! it’s just saying that i don’t intend to cause harm or disrespect by borrowing the artwork, and that at any of the artists’ discretion, whether i’m violating their repost policy or not, they are urged to reach out to me and tell me to remove their art if they don’t want it on my blog. feel free to snatch it and use it for your credits page, or write something similar in lieu of that. i’m 100% in support of that.

please be conscious and considerate of the people who work hard and do a good deal of the heavy lifting for you to be able to make your blog pretty and aesthetic in the first place. i think the bounty of beautiful and high-quality art for the pokemon fandom- or for any popular fandom for that matter- sometimes makes us forget that it isn’t a commodity. it’s something that when taken for granted, can genuinely affect others who work hard to provide content for people to enjoy. at the end of the day, they do this to make themselves and others happy. seeing others take that work without any acknowledgement to them is demoralizing, don’t think that they’ll get enough recognition from others to compensate for you. that’s frankly not how posting art on social media works at all.

i mean, even if this doesn’t convince you, i can only hope it’ll spur you to be more conscious in the future. 

*i get that things happen and this isn’t meant to shame you if you happen to be one to do any of the things other than credit. but know that you don’t... really have an excuse when there’s so many different options, shortcuts and alternatives available to you. you don’t really cite from a shitton of different sources for your paper and then go back to pick through every individual quote to find where it came from to avoid plagiarizing. you just.. make a note or works cited. it takes like, 15 extra minutes. if you’re going to spend hours on photoshop or writing fancy infoposts, you can spend an extra 15 making a works cited.

[cosmicmoved]

HEADCANON for SUMI

actually, this is a headcanon for karam too but this specific post is more sumi-centric so maybe i’ll talk about the karam end of things later. for now, though, it’s sumi’s turn bc i don’t talk about her enough (:

Okay, so I’ve decided to drag Sumi into Karam’s plotline for no reason besides that...I Wanted To but it also helps his plotline make more sense if he has a sort-of go-between character like Sumi in there somewhere. This post will explain what that means and why I’ve come to this decision! Until now, Sumi was kind of just her own character and she wasn’t really tied to any plot besides her own but I didn’t really know what to do with her beyond her backstory. I think this was definitely limiting her as a character so I’d like to use this chance to give her more direction! So, from hereon out, she’s going to be part of the Karam plotline! She’s still her own character but I like making my muses know each other bc,,,idk,...it feels like a more complete universe in my head. Anyway, with that out of the way, I’ll get on to explaining the story behind this connection! Full disclosure though, I’m sticking it under a Read More because it got kind of lengthy. I did TRY to be more succinct but maybe it’s about time I just accept that I’m not capable of that /:

First off, a lot of stuff might be setting or verse-dependent. I guess I’ve written stuff where these muses aren’t strictly based in one country and there’s always the chance of one of them moving somewhere else for the sake of a certain plotline? But the fun thing about rp is its fluidity so I’m going to try and stop getting overly concerned about details that don’t really matter too much. Sumi travels a lot. Maybe Karam tags along sometimes. Shit gets vague. It’s fine. ASDFGHGFDS......

To keep things simple, Sumi is the one who first found Karam when he wound up in the city after his forest was destroyed -- or, rather, she was the first person to try and help him. Other people had likely found/seen him but ignored him one reason or other (he would’ve been pretty dishevelled and tbh,,,probably naked bc what the fuck is he gonna wear clothes in the forest for). As I’ve said before, Sumi can tell when people aren’t human. Her senses aren’t especially strong so she can’t always place what somebody actually is, only if they’re a human or a ghost; she doesn’t have an inherently ability to sense what somebody is but, because she’s spent so much time learning to separate living humans from the spirits of the dead, she’s developed the ability to tell when somebody is neither, even if she can’t say for certain What they are. Because it’s a feat of applied knowledge and not a natural ability, mistakes happen. Now, Karam is a spirit. Not remotely human, despite his appearance. Still, long story short, Sumi mistook him for a ghost and, despite her charging humans for help with their ghostly issues, she’s often willing to help a ghost in need free of charge (because um...ghosts don’t have money). When she found Karam, he was in a state of obvious distress so she assumed he must have been a pretty new ghost, the sort who haven’t at all come to terms with the fact that they are, y’know, dead. Much to her shock, he wasn’t dead and was instead very much alive and tangible but still very much in need of help. More in need of help than she’d expected, in fact.

Sumi has always been the sisterly type so it felt natural to reach out a hand to somebody in need, mostly out of the goodness for heart and because she felt bad for him but also partly because Karam reminds her a little bit of Chulsoo, her late brother (despite being much much older, Karam looks about the age Chulsoo would be if he were still alive) with whom she is in no longer contact despite his being a ghost because he decided to use the afterlife to See The World until he was ready for Sumi to exorcise him. Yikes. That’s another story for another post. She was able to offer Karam a place to stay, a spare room in her apartment (where he’d start this new experience by staying in his room for a fortnight straight, only leaving to slink his way in and out of the bathroom), and help him make sense of a new and confusing world. First, she would offer him her brother’s old clothes to wear and then she would eventually resign herself to the reality of the situation and agree to buy Karam his own clothes, letting him pick out what he liked but also giving him tips wherever possible (financially speaking, this wasn’t her smartest move but she has a guilty pleasure in clothes shopping and the knowledge that she was doing it to help somebody else made her feel better about the whole thing).

In fact, she helped him get tidied up in general. Let him pick out a hairstyle from a pile of magazine and used her experience with hairdressing to replicate it for him. Maybe it’s because Sumi’s rather vain herself (and proud of it, mind you) but she’d fully believed a good start for Karam was to help him discover his own image and use that to regain confidence. Well...that, and the fact he’d looked an absolute state when she found him and she was of the firm belief that it was a shame for him to be wasting his pretty face on dishevelled hair and ill-fitting clothes that hung off him. But, really, Sumi sees her image as the ultimate form of self-expression. The way she styles herself is her way of telling the world who she is --- and, for someone who spends so much time with ghosts, looking as bright and lively as possible means a lot to her --- so she believed that helping Karam with that sort of thing might help him with this strange transition into a new world and come into his own. Yes, she was aware that this plan might fail and Karam might have been distinctly uninterested in his own looks but it ended up working out well. Karam is slow to warm to most very human things but he picked up on this quite quickly and was very willing to engage with it. For Karam, it was a matter of everything changing too fast and those changes being so overwhelming that making these dramatic changes over which he had full control, changes that he made himself and that weren’t forced on him, helped him to process the situation --- but I’ll talk about that in more detail another time, this is Sumi’s post.

Karam is very distrustful of humans and, although he trusts Sumi more than most on account of her having helped him so much, there’s a part of him that is paranoid it’s some kind of trick. Because of this, he tends to keep Sumi at an emotional distance. After all, despite her abilities, she’s still essentially just human and he’s been forced to regretting humans in the past (that is also another story for another time because, again, this is not Karam’s post so I won’t be going into details here). Although it’s frustrating, Sumi understands this and lets Karam keep his distance. She understands that he’s grateful regardless and she doesn’t want to cause any unnecessary discomfort. But, even besides that, their relationship is a little odd simply because they butt heads a lot. She kind of just lets him away with shit because she finds him endearing. Often, Karam won’t even stick around at her place. He’ll just disappear for days on end and resurface when he feels like it but it’s more about the choice to have somewhere he can return. Y’know, the illusion of home. 

Perhaps it’s because of that initial comparison she made between him and Chulsoo or perhaps it’s because he has such a young appearance but, despite the large age gap (wherein Karam is just under 240 years older than her), Karam brings out the big sister in Sumi. Maybe this is also why Karam doesn’t like her that much LMAO...............actually, he kinds of HATES it but asdfghgfd. In the time since she’s met him, she’s seen him struggle with things; she’s seen that he does have good moments and that he’s not intentionally rude in any way so much as he just has a hard time with certain social rules. She’s grown fond of him and feels that she has to try and help him out. Again, it’s hard to say if this is because of the time she spends helping ghosts or if it’s because he ignites the part of her that feels guilty for not being able to protect Chulsoo. It could just be that she’s sincerely worried about Karam. Maybe it’s a combination of them all, Sumi can’t quite tell for herself.