#idk it's just something I've noticed
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she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.
my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.
my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.
my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.
at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.
my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.
i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.
two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.
it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.
#writeblr#wlw#i often think about like.....#being happy in a gay relationship is sometimes so odd#bc u can forget how stupid ppl are.#bc ur so USED to being gay. and u forget other people GENUINELY ARE homophobic#so it's like. girl pardon?????#but also there are moments where it's like. ohhh the kids are alright#like watching someone razz someone else.... so fucking wholesome#“lemme get this bitche's pronouns before i make gentle fun of them” .... i would have KILLED for that.#THAT is how u know ur accepted#not just tolerated#..... when ppl are like. sure ur nonbinary congrats but WHAT is this fucking sunscreen application#ps idk if "razz'' is a real word but someone asked what it means -#i've always heard it as being a term for 'gentle & friendly teasing'' which like#i personally notice more from my guy friends but is like - when a person isn't#LIKE ACTUALLY teasing u (it's nothing personal/mean) they're just laughing w/you about something#my friends often put on a little voice and call me an anemic little bitch#like 'ooooo the anemic little bitch is cold??? does she need a mouse blanket#bc she's SOOOO SMALL AND ANEMIC???''#and it doesn't hurt my feelings (it makes me laugh very hard) bc 1. i actually called MYSELF that first#and 2. i'm not sensitive about it!!!#a proper razz is when you are ALSO in on the joke - i ALSO think it's funny#for some people i personally find that when they razz u it's when they love u -#they've noticed something genuine about u and love u enough that u know they're not being mean#this is cultural and personality based of course but i'm hispanic#if someone isn't making fun of me it means they hate me . obviously.
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Yknow time and time again I have a difficult understanding as to why people don't own up to their mistakes the first time and or at least have a hard time doing so, like if I fucked up or someone tells me I fucked up I think it would absolutely be in my right to apologize immediately, make amends, watch myself next time to prevent such thing from ever happening again, and move on.
#idk it's just something I've noticed#like i learned that a lot of unnecessary things are preventable just by doing these simple things right away#watch what you're saying and act carefully and the such#mistakes are inevitable too of course but its the growth and learning from the “ah damn i shouldn't have done or said that” that counts#idk bro its 9pm im thinking too much im hungry as hell#oh yeah people just say shit in the heat of the moment and your emotions get the best of you i forgot to mention#just watch out for that i know well i had to learn that
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You always joked about how you'd find out what's beneath his mask someday. Literally and figuratively.
He'd scoff at your attempts, or suggestions to lift up his sniper mask. Some of them caught him off guard, to the point he almost did it if not for his logical mind. But some of them were downright ridiculous, that he couldn't help but snort.
Maybe you already accepted it from the start, that he would never give in, but it had become a harmless jest at this point, so you might as well keep it going.
Until he gives you permission.
The thing is, it doesn't make you happy—it scares you to death instead. He once bit off someone's finger when they poked it in the place they shouldn't have touched. So what's behind the mask couldn't be worth the pain.
At first, you thought of it as a warning. Yet he wasn't showing any signs of threat. He even pulled you closer, so you'd get a better view of him.
His mask stays on, but he lets you touch his face. Your hands hover an inch away from his veiled visage, before you test the water with a touch.
He doesn't flinch away, or charge at you like a venomous snake. He stays still, letting your hands cup his cheeks.
"Didn't you say you wanna feel my face?" He said as he brought you closer, causing a shiver down on your spine.
"I did," Your lips trembled slightly, "I'm doing it."
"You're not doing it right." He tugged your paralyzed hands onto his chest.
You're confused when he firmly grips both of your hands, before slowly sliding them under the hem of his hood.
"Inside, maus." He commanded you, "Tell me what you feel."
And so, you complied.
You reach into his mask, and touch his neck tentatively. For a brief moment, his muscles tense under your fingertips, before they come down relaxed.
"Oh." You murmured as you pressed your palm onto his nape, "You can certainly survive a fighter jet ride."
He doesn't give you any response, so you take it as a cue to continue.
Your hands creep up higher, until your fingers reach the soft bones of his ears. They seem small in your grasp, smaller than they should, for a man of his height. A quiet smile spreads in your lips, as you imagine the tiny shells that frame both sides of his face.
"I'm surprised you have clear skin." You commented when you caressed his cheek, feeling the texture of his skin, "I thought you'd have a problem with it since you always wore a mask."
"Not always." He replied, nudging you to roam further, "I took it off whenever I'm alone."
"Did you take care of it?"
"No."
"How unfair." You chuckled, "I want to have your skin."
He keeps his eyes on you, and you feel the need to clear your throat, before you trace the lines on his face.
"You have a big nose." You mused as you ran your finger down from the bridge of his nose, "It's crooked."
He hums, while his eyes follow your uncertain gaze.
"Why you stopped?" He called you out, and you jumped upon hearing them, "There's one place you haven't touched."
You bit your lips, trembling, as you lowered your hand, until you felt the soft lumps on your fingertips.
They form a thin line, before they split open, inviting your finger inside. Your breathing becomes labored, as he takes a hold on your hand, guiding your thumb into his mouth.
He doesn't break eye contact the whole time, and you're too paralyzed to look away. You feel the sharpness of his teeth as his lips are closing around your digit. You have anticipated the guillotine falling on the head of your thumb, yet what comes after is a soft brush of his tongue.
It was rough, and drenched with his saliva, that it formed a string at the time your thumb left his mouth.
"König—" You gasped when he dragged his lips down to your palm, before stopping on your wrist. Pressing his tongue on your pulse point, where the skin barrier is so thin, that it feels as if he's tasting your flesh.
"Scared, maus?" He muttered, his teeth scraped against your skin, "Are you scared of me?"
You stare at him, as your instinct screams at you to nod. But you shake your head, despite the tremble in your hands.
"Then you'll do as I say." He wraps his arm around your waist, leaving no room for you to run, "Take off my mask."
Your eyes widened, not believing what you just heard from his mouth. Alas, his glare is enough to confirm the truth.
He guides your hands to his mask, pushing it up in a manner that's close to unveiling a white cover. And once the mask is lifted, you have no time to admire him as he slams his lips against yours.
Your cry of surprise is swallowed by his mouth, as he pushes his tongue between your lips. You can't do anything but cling to him, as he presses your body down with his, until your back is flush against the cushion.
When you open your eyes, what greets you is a pair of eclipses. Gone was the cruel Colonel, as he's replaced by a voracious brute.
The moment he opens his mouth, you know you'll be devoured by him.
#i wrote 2 konig fics in one day there's something wrong with me#cod#cod mw2#call of duty#konig x reader#könig x reader#könig cod#konig mw2#is this cannibal core?#idk girl#yandere konig#there's something about fingers in a mouth...........#i'm normal i swear#I've fixed the 3rd person pov. just noticed it now. oopsie my bad
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Art summary 2024!
Was fighting for my life trying to fill in those last few months but I managed it without using too many wips or bday cards (rip september)
Huge ty to everyone who stuck around - pls know that I read all your kind tags and messages (often multiple times in disbelief) and that they always make my year <3
(no reposts!)
#my art#artists on tumblr#digital art#milestone#art summary 2024#ohoho self reflection time#sanji artwork you will forever be my favorite <3#ngl i thought about not doing one of these this yr solely bc i didn't think i had enough art for it#but i'm glad i did!! its good to see the time & effort & progress all in one place#i'm just noticing i've been using an uncharacteristic amount of blue (blue period?? cool colors era???)#i've also been trying to focus on lineart a bit more and rendering a bit less...idk if its working lmao#hades drawing i promise i'll come back to u eventually#rahh and i still have zine stuff i can't share yet when will the torture (consequences of my own choices) end#also#do any other artists feel weird about drawing ppl birthday cards#like yes art is my love language but also it feels kind of egotistical to be like hbd look at something i drew#idk maybe its just a me problem lol#here's to another year of art!
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Someone killed my boss last night and he sent me this I'm so fired
god I can't wait to make this comic.
#not me making a prelaunch link so I can share it on art of them that I do and then immediately being like hm#feels kind of weird to link a comic that doesnt exist yet#HAHAHAHAH#theres just no pleasing me#oh well I'll stick to my guns. I thought about it a long time#and doing things that feel weird is kind of the name of the game when it comes to making art#we were legion#zagan#this is so funny to me#its like not even that funny but#I love him. idk I think because I know what the comic is gonna be like stuff like this is 1 million times funnier to me#he sucks so bad and it would suck to read if he were the only one in the comic but because luciel is also there#then its just funny. cause juxtaposition#I love luciel too but theyre less good for standalone drawings and memes without comic context#so my brains like erm... theres nothing there....#also my tags are bugging out when I type them on the ocmputer idk how to explain whats happening but its kind of annoying#jumping around all over the place. makes it hard to read while I'm typing them. its fine#if theres typos its cause somethings going weird with my computer#lately when I've opened firefox its just shaking all over the place#til I alt tab out of it and back to it. I have straight up no idea why#and my internet has been bugging out. the LAN connection keeps flickering and then going out...??#YES I switched the ethernet cable connecting the modem and the router NO I dont know whats going on#I dont wanna deaaaaaal wiiiithhh customer serviceeee its fine. I'll do it later if switching the coax cable doesnt help#uh. anyways none of that matters cause I can still make my fuckin comics babeyyy#as long as I've got my comics. I'm good. though it is annoying when I cant look up references or spelling of words cause I do that constant#but its fine!#love I can draw without internet I dont even notice when it goes out sometimes aughajkghagj#anyways I'm super excited about this comic and if you're intereted theres a presave link now so#yeay#I'll post places other than webtoon but I'm just doing webtoon early so TTA readers can switch over easier
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It's always so funny to me when people call Kaz a serial killer or a murderer bc like. boy do I have news for you about the other crows.
#like idk how to tell you this bestie but every single one of them has a kill count. yes even wylan.#prime example of getting so caught up in the aesthetics or character types that you miss the actual reality of what happens in#a story#also i'm not sure serial killer is even an accurate description#similar to when people started referring to inej as an assassin. like bestie that is straight up not what she does. and if it was she's#doing a terrible job. the books tell you a million times that she's a spy#to be clear this isn't an 'uwu kaz did nothing wrong' post esp bc most of the time when ppl call him this they're not actually criticizing#his actions. it's just a pattern i noticed. if anything its a 'stop sanitizing the rest of the crows' post.#but it is interesting to me that kaz is the only character that people will really joke about having killed people#something something you've bought into the dirtyhands legend#i feel like i've made some version of this post in the past but i don't remember so you're hearing it again#six of crows#kaz brekker#inej ghafa#jesper fahey#wylan van eck#matthias helvar#nina zenik
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I'm noticing an uptick in comments complaining that most of the current WIR fandom content is Turbo instead of the other characters and, like... you guys know you can search other characters by their specific tags, right??? Or exclude Turbo from search results by temporarily blacklisting him in your filtered tags?
Idk, it's just weird to me to be discouraging towards people making fandom content just because it's not the specific content you want to see, like, it's ok to want to see other content, but complaining about how other people aren't catering to your tastes enough instead of just making the content you want to see yourself is kinda bad vibes, y'know?? (And that's not to say that I think those comments are intended out of malice of course, I really don't think they are, I just wanted to point out that it can come off as a little entitled, as well as discouraging towards people who just want to draw Turbo, which is something that should be fine if that's what they want to do. Fandom should be fun for everybody, and there's lots of tools available to curate your experience with it!)
#Wreck It Ralph#It also doesn't help that there was a solo Fix-It Felix drawing literally right there only a few posts down from one of these posts and-#-it went ignored?? Like people are going to draw more of the characters you want if you actually show appreciation towards those posts guys#Also this isn't towards any one specific person it's a complaint I've seen like four times in the past few days and I'm like ???guys???#Like heck the entire reason I started writing a Candybug fic was because I couldn't find any SFW fics with him as a Cy-bug#So I was like “Oh ok then I guess I'll just do it myself” lol#And then there's that person who was like “I want more Ralph+Vanny content” and then drew an AWESOME VANELLOPE LIKE??#This is something I also noticed a while back with people making passive-aggressive posts about artists that don't draw Turbo chubby#Like it's ok to not vibe with that but what do you gain from making people feel bad about how they do things y'know?#Be the change you want to see in the world!! Create art for the other characters you like!!!#The one thing we all have in common is our ability to create! So if you can't find the kind of things you want to see from others then-#-try making it yourself! It's lots of fun and then you can also provide more art for other people who might be looking for what you were!#Idk maybe I'm just overthinking things I have no idea lol#I just feel like risking discouraging or making people feel bad about just creating Turbo stuff isn't the way to go about it
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Jimithon Mouthwashing is such a good representation of untreated, enabled NPD like it makes me want to squeeze the life out of him. I'm endlessly fascinated when watching him interact with his crew, surroundings, and himself because he's so fucking lost in his own sauce. It's insane. If I'm being real, it makes him my favorite character in the game.
It's a little scary to say, but watching Jimmy is like seeing a mirrored version of myself two years ago before I truly committed to treatment for my NPD. He's like a shadow. The opening line "I hope this hurts," which I believe comes from Jimmy right before the crash, is such a poignant statement. It's a simple line, but I can tell you from experience that the desire to hurt others when in a narcissistic rage is overwhelming. It's such a good line to sum up Jimmy's character in that moment. Luckily, in the real world, I had my friends and family there to catch me when I hit my lowest, even though I'd hurt them so many times. Jimmy probably could've used friends to force him into therapy (cough cough Curly cough cough)
#also I don't mean we're similar in any way when it comes to rape or SA. Please don't twist it that way at all.#I mean like in terms of the jealously resentment revenge hurting others to feel thrilled not taking responsibility not seeing flaws etc#I'm diagnosed with NPD also but pls know my experience will be different from others. We're all different people obvs.#also Jimmy has like wayyyyyyyyyy more things wrong with him not just untreated NPD lol#I would say that untreated NPD is a hell most can't describe#you barely feel anything except rage boredom and jealousy (in my case)#love is a form of ownership and control because you can't really feel it the right way#so your -person- is an object of intense obsession and also a tool for you#if that makes sense? I see that with Jimmy and Curly for sure#You want to tear others down and hurt them because it makes you feel good to put them below you#there's a constant feeling of insecurity and it drives you crazy fr#kind gestures from friends feel insulting#and oh my god achievements made by friends and family in my case feel like I've been shot like I hate when they achieve things#It's not logical obvs but that's something I instantly noticed in Jimmy so i was like .....oh brother lol#and also if they achieve something my brain needs it to somehow be tied to me or I'll make it tied to me so they can be thankful#they should always center their attention on me and if they don't I immediately resent them#these are just some of my thought processes on the matter so I can show the similarities I feel with Jimmy#the KEY DIFFERENCE is all of these thoughts I have are left in my head and not exhibited in my actions (any more. took a long time)#but he is such a nasty human with ZERO introspection that he prob never even thought about treatment#also doesn't help that the hot blonde he's friends with never did anything to help with that#idk sorry for oversharing but ahhh this game is so well written I gotta yap about it lol#also kind of a funny unrelated story to show how weird the achievement thing can be lol#my friends announced they saved up enough to go to Vietnam (their dream trip) and I was happy for them (I really was)#but of course my delusional ass immediately also took it as a threat#and I booked a month long trip to Europe a few days after so I could also announce it LMAO#that is a kind of innocent incident when compared to Jimmy but it just shows how annoying NPD can be#Jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#NPD
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y'all have gotta learn to act normal about other people's characters
just bc you think they're hot doesn't mean the person who made them wants to know if, or how, you'd fuck them. i feel like that's common sense. it doesn't make it OK now just because it's not a real person you're sexualizing. you don't know what they mean to the person who made them, and if you do, well what the fuck, then.
#please excuse me i've just noticed really often lately#the way people will comment nasty nasty stuff on art and i have to wonder like#are you sure that the artist is cool w/ that? are you sure already that the person who owns or made that character is cool with that?#idk i had to watch a couple people oversexualize the characters from a friend's very personal & emotional game they made about trauma#i posted a turnaround of a model i did for a friend in a discord server and someone called it “the boykisser” just bc it was a cat?#like. do you know who the character is? do you know who owns the character? do you understand the context they're from?#if not. why would you say that to/about them.#ik those instances occured on their own and don't really warrant a whole post#but I've been seeing some REALLY uncomfy comments thrown at people's art every here and there#and i think some of y'all are forgetting how to behave for real.#this post & tags are a little half-baked i'm just kinda sick of seeing it. be normal. leave a nice comment or something
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It's interesting how much the Undertale Red & Yellow mod plays up Clover's whole "loud and proud cowboy-schtick" when, from what little dialogue you see from them in-game, they seem fairly quiet and don't have any obvious accent
#undertale yellow#idk just thinking out loud here. i don't wanna seem like I'm shaming the modders for that. just something i noticed#I've personally gotten the vibe that clover is quiet and more soft spoken with the whole 'Sentinel of Silence' comment from el bailador#plus how several of their dialogue options are just straight up silence#they give me a more ''actions speak louder than words'' vibe. but to each their own with their character interpretations#(alao idk how much grounds i have to speak on considering I'm watching a playthru instead of doing it myself. bleh)
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hey you ever think about how okuyasu probably had to see (if not help) his brother try over and over to like maim and dismember their father in an attempt to euthanize him, something that clearly hurts and distresses the guy despite his immortality?
do you ever think about how the boys were beaten "for no reason" (existing around their father) and then when their father turns keicho says that if he beats his dad enough he can be obedient but he never stops scratching around in that box and it makes him murderously angry. and then it turns out that their father's been trying to scrape together some reminder of the family they used to be this whole time. he's doing something innocuous and mildly obtrusive that pisses keicho off so much despite the fact that he would understand if he just looked a little closer, at a different angle, that it was his father seeking love and connection in the same way he was as a child, and that he is reacting in the same way his father did to it?
or how okuyasu (who was young enough to not Quite remember the abuse in the same way as keicho) was the one to want to shift gears towards curing him over killing him, to restore his memories and mind so they could heal their relationships - break the cycle? how you might think it's his distance from that contributes to his ability to want that in a way keicho can't, until keicho dies and okuyasu still chooses to focus on the scraps of good within their relationship (while acknowledging that keicho was Not a good person) despite how directly he experienced abuse from keicho? and how that speaks so much to okuyasu's deep sense of loyalty and love (even to his own detriment)?
or how it's josuke (with the power to heal, to fix, that kind power) who is able to start those relationships mending through his emotional curiosity and empathy? and how it's josuke okuyasu clings to in the wake of his brother's death? someone so different from the men he grew up with who only ever hurt each other because they were hurt and someone who proves that kindness and love are like. sustainable? how josuke didn't change him into being a loving person but finally answered it to form a healthy relationship? buh
#i have. never really analyzed jjba before#i don't know why but something about it makes the deeper stuff just bounce right off my brain for some reason#however! i have noticed this. do with it what you will etc#as if i needed a reason to be emo about okuyasu tbh#jjba#jojo's bizarre adventure#diu#nijimura okuyasu#nijimura keicho#fucking. papa nijimura. idk his name#btw i'm not saying okuyasu is a good person for like. loving his abusers. that's a morally neutral phenomenon#and i think that's clear in context. it's both because he's got a big ol heart and because he (even when he knows he probably shouldn't)#clings to people who are awful to him out of loyalty and loneliness and love and naivete. he wants to believe it means something#he does it because he's traumatized and it's all he knows AND because he's a sweetheart. it's both. and god that's like really cool to me#idk that i've really seen that pulled off so efficiently before#higashikata josuke#anyway what if i!!!!! exploded#sorry if this reads like ass im not even gonna look at it. im flushing it into the void immediately tyvm#and after all that okuyasu's like omg your mom's hot lol!! :D love you buddy!!!! like he's so funny to me
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oh also also, baghera getting increasingly french at the end of the timer was so fucking funny and i love her so much, like when her and phil fought and phil killed her and her accent thickened until she abandoned words and made french noises CHEF'S KISS reminds me of when she played outlast w cellbit slime and jaiden and got progressively more french as the night wore on, genuinely had a blast hearing her progressively dropping more and more swears in french
also reminds me of something i THINK i remember, think it was her who said during brazil she kept accidentally speaking french to people because of how close she felt to them
#qsmp#baghera jones#debated on making this post bc i wasn't sure if people would think i was making fun? i'm not trying to; to be clear#it's something i've noticed w baghera in particular and really really love#(personally i trend to a southern drawl; i am not from the american south)#i genuinely really like it#idk if your first language is french and you think this is disrespectful i'll delete it just say the word#mine is english so idk how shitty we can be :( i know we can be awful#((tbh i usually kick Myself if i can't understand an accent bc i'm the damn native speaker i should be good at this language))#((like this is My Fault for not parsing i'm the one who knows what these words MEAN; COME ON))#these went on a tangent but in my defense it's technically 4 am here (daylight savings)#also i was watching team red. the entire event. and then until this very moment.#this speaks for itself i think#shut up vic#block game brainrot
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YouTube: Why Fire Emblem Engage SUCKS and you should play THREE HOUSES instead
Tumblr: All the fire emblem games are good actually
#fire emblem#it's something i've noticed about how people talk about engage#overexaggerated but still#like i get three houses is more serious and has more replay value thanks to the different routes#but idk man a lot of times i was just dreading having to do a map in 3houses#the only time i felt that in engage was in the fell xenologue and after finding out chapter 6 just needs more strategy —#— (unlike sombron who you can just rush given your units are strong enough) I only hate chapter 5 because of its length#and the fact alear needs to dodgetank the entire time and effectively has 0 movement for some reason#but still#long story short engage is overhated on youtube and i genuinely like it more than three houses
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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i read you talking about di fics earlier- any recommendations? preferably nothing nsfw (got nothing against that sort of fic ofc- im just apothisexual lmao)
Well........................................... All I have are horny DI Sol fics........................ I'm sorry.............................................................................................
I guess... Maybe my own fic, Interlude, technically counts...? It's largely pre-limiter, post-GG Begin Frederick so he's red and beastly for about 80% of what I've written so far: https://archiveofourown.org/works/44354353/chapters/111548716
Other than that, all the other ones I've read (or written) he's got his weenie out... Forgive me..........
#asks#I don't actually read a lot of fanfic to be honest...#A lot of what's in my Neocities archive at the moment were either sent to me or I found them while deep diving for other stuff 😔#There's actually no reason why I haven't read more fics tbh#I guess maybe because I have a huge IRL collection of books so I just don't think to go looking for some when I want to read#That said from what I *have* seen while looking for GG fics I haven't noticed very many with a focus on DI Sol specifically#(unless it's nsfw/terato rofl)#Like fics will have a DI Sol moment but as like a brief combat detail or something along those lines#I haven't browsed AO3 in a really long time though so it's possible I've since missed some#Especially since I don't think there's a way to search for DI Sol instead of just Sol/Frederick as a whole?#Idk haha
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#svsss#scum villains self saving system#shang qinghua#how I be feeling these days ahdnfjgkg#I keep stressing about life in general and its seriously bumming me out hajdjg#how nice it would be to not exist#everyday I wake up and do the same things I hate#time hasn't felt real in years and it goes way before covid times#I haven't felt real in most of those years either#Look I'm lucky I'm not like depressed or whatever but frankly this derealization shit is seriously startin to get a little worrying at times#tbf I only really notice it recently so maybe its just a bias#I've been chugging along this way for years all thats changed is my perception of it#but at the same time I really want to do more too#I get I'm a very boring and unreliable person#and I know I just said its my perception of it but like I do genuinely think my social skills my general living just like me mentally ig#I'm kinda deteriorating in my stagnation ig? artistically too but more worrying in my life idbfjg#priorities sorry anyways I also think I do have adhd or something and that rejection thing dhfjgjg I really can't start things anymore#idk I really just feel so clueless in most things now and I'm too scared or too confused or both to start fixing things#like how do I even fix things? what do I even search for in this kind of thing?#Idk I'm just gonna go sleep ig god I'm so tired of everything#I haven't been able to draw I've really lost passion for a lot of things again and everything irritates me#I can't stand my phone sometimes but it's kinda the only thing getting me through it all ha#ngl I wish I were depressed sometimes if only so I'd actually have the balls to do smth but Ik that's just the Metnally Ail part speaking so#chug chug going along#I also have to make wushi before I die. haha#god my life is so empty#what am I even doing#I'm really so tired why can't my life end here already? modern lifespans are too long how am I supposed to keep going on like this?#so pointless and vapid and its just me ? why did it have to be me that was born? couldn't someone else have been here I hate it here so much#I strive for nothing but I have such a long life and so many people to disappoint haha maybe I should go outside more
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