#idk im not smart enough to explain myself lmao

[vagueiish]

i do kinda wish i were more inclined towards writing smutty stuff bc i just had a flash of inspiration and have an idea of how things kinda go the first time oli takes the lead with astarion and it's a touch sad (bc that's just my boy, baybee) but mostly cute and dorky

....but i'm not! so it'll just live in my head lmao

[werebutch]

Ok i just said this to jesse but big oc ramble :P SECONDARY CHARACTER MENTION

Again seraph’s portrait is not updated yet now they look like my pinned post..

I think this is very cute and im glad i finally forced myself to write a summary cuz it made me figure everything out.. at least i have a ballpark idea of a plot instead of entertaining all these different possibilities.. originally i didnt want roadkill to be popular enough to tour but.. small bands go on small tours all the time.. it would make the story WAYYY more fun. Seraph is literally trapped with them. And also .. going on tour is pretty good cover for murders. Way better than having him kill in his small town and somehow not get caught.. which doesnt make sense. Hes not that smart lol, but i guess being a dog is good cover already. I also want them to tour because i want the band to be a central part of the story.. if it wasn’t (like some other ideas ive had) it wouldnt even make sense to include.. it would be clunky.. so yes tour it is..!

I feel like im finally getting somewhere.. also yes ulysses is supposed to be there but im out of room in the carrd :( ill figure it out.. anyways i think this is such a good restarting point.. the only problem is its kind of a lie but i didnt know how to explain it short and sweet. Scotch is the only one who knows atlas’s identity at first, then seraph. Eloise doesnt know i think because she would probably want to call the cops. Or at the very least this news would split the group up (atlas n scotch dont want that for different reasons*) and she would never speak to atlas again cause of the whole murder thing. She would also convince seraph to get out of there asap, and atlas knows they would listen no matter how much they like him**. So, eloise knowing is not an option .. she’s very sweet but yea definitely would not be ok with any of this ..

Ulysses doesnt know cause he doesn’t WANT to know. He knows something sketchy is going on between atlas n scotch but, knowing scotch pretty well, he doesnt wanna get involved. Scotch secrets are very annoying to keep. He doesnt want to bother. Also hes kinda freaked out about it. Idk, maybe it will stay this way but i still have to work on ulysses so that may change…

Now ive got to find a way to work tex in. I dont think ive EVER mentioned tex on here before even though ive had them for yearssss, but they serve as like a mentor to atlas. Maybe 50 year old butch. I thought about making them a werewolf too but thats just dumb.. they probably knew a werewolf at one point though. Maybe had to kill one but they probably wouldnt let atlas know that. tex is kind of cruel towards seraph, which is unfortunate because theyre the only one experienced with werewolves. Would lead to a fun interaction in a tense situation though ^__^

* - atlas doesn’t want the band to split up firstly cause he knows it’ll suck for scotch, but also cause again.. touring is such good cover. Hes just hesitant to become big cause he doesnt know if it’ll make killing easier or harder. SCOTCH doesnt want to split up cause he loves eloise + same atlas reason + but also cause he NEEDS to get big for all the non-atlas reasons. Coming from a huge family, he didnt get much attention. Basically wants to show his family that he’s worthwhile (and wealthy.. if the band takes him that way) . I know a lot of info but LOL it has to be said..

** - on their own, seraph does come to know in their own time.. but again if eloise was the one to talk about it with them their reaction would be different. Their first thought is to get out of there, but again theyre trapped on tour. But in addition to that i think atlas makes them feel so special, and KNOWING this secret makes them feel even more special (and its kinda romantic LMAO), so even though they know they should run, they dont. Which is exactly atlas’s intention with the way he treats them. I think part of them knows the reason for keeping eloise in the dark, but by the time they realize all this and connect the murders with atlas, theyre in too deep with him lol. Sucks for them !

[classicsweetness]

honestly I've fallen into a really strong depression rut (again) and my relationships are in the dumps. idk how much more i can take and tbh i don't want to deal with anything else. i hate myself for not being good enough for anyone, hate myself for not being smart enough, funny enough, cute enough, interesting enough, just - not enough. I can’t help myself but to question the things that have happen in my life, that somehow, if those things didn’t happen then I wouldn’t be just what I am today, that I could’ve been a better person, with a better life, better environment, better surroundings, better mindset with a clear vision of the future which clearly I don’t have right now. whenever i remember mama & papa, it feels like the wounds are all freshly cut again, that the wounds that i have been aiding and forcefully trying to heal were all scraped up once again. srsly, grief isn’t fun, at all. it’s like a never ending process and it’s tiring me too much already, i’m at edge now. it always feels like i am back at square one, when i feel like i am already making progress, bad things would levitate again and will ruin my so-called ‘progress’. I've spent so long convincing myself I'm fine and it really hit me just how far from the truth that is. im not okay, i never was and I probably won't be for a while. i don't want to worry anyone because im not in the habit of doing that to people I care about (not that there's many left anymore ngl). it gets even worse when i am at it, having panic attacks, having emotional breakdowns, and all; and it would hit me like damn dude i actually don’t have anyone to run to. what can i say, i am not close nor open to any of my family members. i got so used to not being honest with what i am feeling, what is happening in my life, what am i currently experiencing. it’s makes me more sad that i just have to keep this all to myself, and it’s heavy, the weight of it all is already drowning me. i feel so sad that no one understands me the way i wanted to be understood. but i do not take that against the people that surrounds me (even if i really wanted to) bcos at the end of the day, it’s not a job for them to do that thing for me. tbh i am really near to ending everything all off. this just doesn’t affect me mentally and emotionally anymore nor my future that i meticulously planned in my head but it also affects me physically already; my head is pounding everyday, i never get to have a decent sleep, i am so scared of sleeping bcos i’m afraid i might not get to wake up anymore (but then again, that should be better, right? to die in my sleep lmao). i just, can't keep lying to everyone and myself and keep it inside because that's not healthy and it won't be good for me. I hate myself so much lately and the more I ignore it the worse it's got, to the point where im seriously considering dropping out of college, moving out of my house (and family if possible) and just going somewhere where nobody has to put up with me. god, i really wish I would of taken the jump all those years ago and ended my pathetic life so I wouldn't be a waste of oxygen any longer than I needed to be. fuck this. i can't even explain how much it hurts to be sitting here in my room alone and knowing that nothing is truly okay, and it breaks my heart that i even got to this point again. i just don't want to be alive anymore and it's getting so hard to keep pushing on even when i have no fight left in me.

[lover-of-trash-and-people]

bittersweet netflix shadow and bone finale (s1 e8) rewatch; accoutrement: white wine with ice cubes in it (no YOU'RE a mom drink shh)

my wine's like fruity I love her

light and darkness title card we love to see it

Inej looking at Alina before she goes below deck to hide <3

okay that 'what can you really do on your own' was like not fun that shit hurted

okay but Jesper's 'not enough'? <3

oh no my baby Zoya's first inkling that Darkles does not really care

omg Helnik just appeared and I remembered how much heartbreak I have to face in this episode

gods I love Danielle as Nina so so much

'this can't be it' said she with her pleading smile with downturned eyebrows MA'AM I-

don't break my dumb little heart

I might hate Calahan's little accent but they're making me tear up

oh gods I literally cannot keep a hold on myself when Dani's accent bleeds through with full force, it's like she comes more alive or smth

'I will keep you warm' SIR WHAT-

I am surprised they showed a leaning in for a kiss so soon but I'm not mad about it

her little eyebrow twitch at 'what are waffles'

when that rando said 'i hunt slavers now' a dread settled into me because I knew what was about to go down

Matthias looking somberly at the stuffed wolf's head </3

I am so incredibly entranced by this exchange between Fedyor and Nina and what it represents, it's very interesting that they pushed up their storyline to match with the timeline

damn it's kind of jarring to be back in the Fold

'REMEMBER WHO'S DRIVING'??!!!! *you better stop* meme, *i am, disgusted* meme, *oh wow, oh wow* meme

Mal you fucking idiot you could never take the crows by surprise

the music rising as Kaz starts explaining his thought process, fucking perfection

haha Mal bitchass Inej caught you

'Because if he isn't with Kirigan's crew, he's with ours' WHEN I TELL YOU I SCREAMED

'And why would we destroy the Fold? It's the greatest weapon we've got' valid point at the moment but you know I don't necessarily agree with your methods

the use of the light tunnel in the show instead of Alina just being a super flashlight in the books is quite an interesting addition as well

is this an inappropriate time to point out how pretty Ben Barnes is

okay I kind of love the depiction of the shadow powers okay sue me

'they are traitors who tried to kill you' why are you suddenly making valid points despite having kind of committed low scale genocide

'i never said I was smart' YES MAL BE THE VOICE OF HIMBOS EVERYWHERE

Kaz's face going from 'can you believe this idiot' at Mal to 'fuck me I'm gonna do the same thing aren't I' at Inej

'For who would oppose us now?' *himbo romantic rival appears out of nowhere and shoots at him* god I love this show

him standing calmly in his ridiculous all black attire after nodding at his soldier to stop the himbo in his tracks, i fucking can't

could she summon light without the Darkling making her after he put the collar on her until the uhm moment in the books? idts but in the show she can hmm

'only because I'm not in the game' you tell him Jesper

not me snickering at 'you'll be seen not as a saviour, but as a heretic' LMFAO

'Shame. I'll have to give that speech again now.' THIS SHOW IS A FUCKING COMEDY AND YOU CAN'T PROVE ME WRONG

YES LET'S FUCKING GO SULI SOLIDARITY

Darkles casually whipping the Cut out like a shuriken or a throwing knife at Jesper because he shot at him lmao I can't

INEJ FUCKING GHAFA STABBED ONE THE OLDEST AND MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN THAT WORLD AND THAT IS VERY TELLING OF HER POWER

that moment where you actually think that affected him despite having read the books and watched the show

and then he has to go and fucking say 'it will take more than this' and I can't be help but be a little bit impressed at this old fool's resilience

throwback to when he said 'the king is a child' sir you make some valid points sometimes and it does make it difficult to hate you

I would just like to inform everyone that it is currently 6:09 am IST and I am sipping my second mug of wine while watching netflix sab for the second time instead of doing my three papers that are due tomorrow

I'm sorry but Inej jumping to check on Zoya after she gets knocked over by the volcra? first class display of solidarity and sisterhood as well as Inej's inherent kindness

Kaz jumping in front of a FUCKING VOLCRA AND STABBING IT WITH HIS CANE to save Inej, you best believe love is true, kids

god the volcra are so ugly and gross, they did such a good job with them

they kind of remind me of these creatures (I think they might have been called Hollows or smth) from the Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children movie

STAG VISION TIME

despite my dislike for the callous nature with which the stag plotline was handled, I kind of dig the stag vision scene

'It's just me and you now, Alina. And we're all we need, anyway.' I actually feel bad for this old fool simping for this wonderful gorgeous powerful woman despite lying to her and manipulating her and exploiting her power

okay 'I never needed you' *stabs the bone fragment out of his hand* beautiful power move I fucking love you so so much

alright ben looking like ✨ that✨ not only in physical pain but also emotional pain at what the Darkling clearly considers another betrayal from this girl he wants to give the world and maybe? loves? maybe? or at least has feelings for makes my fucking heart hurt while simultaneously soar at Alina taking back control and reclaiming her power as her own and stepping into her own

'how do you claim such power' okay could have had better dialogue there writers

the fucking score lifting as she says 'you cannot claim what was not given to you' good people my heart is full

one day I'll talk about my defense of the chosen one trope because god damn I kind of love it

hmm I wonder was that brief hesitation that we saw on Alina's face due to her thinking about the 'you chose to betray our people' comment or the 'i was trying to save us' comment because that will define some of her actions in the later seasons (hopefully god if we get some, I honestly don't know what with this stupid brownface debacle)

I'm not saying talking about brownface and pointing out that it is wrong (for further context, I am actually brown) and harmful is stupid btw I'm talking about the incidents involving brownface in question

I don't wanna talk about this anymore but I might feel like I need to and end up posting about it idk

goodness Ivan actually believing in this cause makes me so sad because he too has been victimized by the system that ostracizes Grisha and he has every right to feel the way that he does

Ben actually fighting in that ridiculously heavy cloak and kefta when he's about to turn 40 this year makes me super impressed because I as a 19 year old sometimes wake up with muscle pulls after weeks of inactivity it's weird idk

also I understand that this Mal Darkling fight is completely fanservice and serves nearly no purpose to the plot in general but like I? love it?

'I don't have to kill you Darkling. Your past will do it for me' YES HIMBO GO OFF YOU TELL THAT OLD MAN GODS THAT WAS SEXY AS FUCK

maybe it's because I know Darkles will survive and will come out of it more powerful but I can't get myself to feel bad for him at the moment

Inej and Mal tearing up at Alina's condition made me almost feel something despite it being super obvious she was gonna be fine and save their asses at the last moment

HER POWER

a solitary Kaz in spotted on the western side of the newly expanded fold in his signature all black emo boy look

okay but the crows with zoya and malina is such an adorable team? I literally love them so much?

INEJ'S FUCKING SMILE AT ALINA GIVING HER THE DAGGER AND KAZ LOOKING AT HER AGSGSGSHSJSJSK MY HEART CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE

SHE KNOWS JUST WHAT TO NAME IT WELL GIRLIE I KNOW IT TOO AND MY FUCKING HEART IS LITERALLY GONNA BURST

okay I know they had one interaction but Mal and Jesper would be besties in another universe

Kaz glaring at Jesper when he answers ''course not' to Alina's 'will you still be trying to kidnap me?' tell me one fucking adaptation that got the dynamics between characters this perfectly

okay why do I love that Alina kept the jewellery as maybe a small nod to she has the wits to, um, you know, I don't wanna say steal, but, um, yeah, steal it because she knew she would need money to survive on the run

oh Jessie I love you so much I wish you hadn't said those things on you ig story about the brownface

it's like every single celeb I grow attached to god's like nope that one is going to do or say something problematic (hey btw im not reassigning blame to god for stuff people have done out of their own free will, 'twas a joke)

AAAAAAAH them saying 'the deal is the deal' in the show even though they didn't have to but like they did and I love them for it

Inej literally not being able to not stare at Kaz's face and smile after this <3

'I didn't expect it to burn at all. But it can be destroyed in the end. Just like him' babe you're not wrong but like um just you wait

god Mal being on supportive boyfie mode is well, absolutely adorable, obviously, but I wish we got to see more of him as a person outside of his attachment to Alina

kaz my little demjin I wish you hadn't have had to suffer so much to meet the crows and find your calling

fastforwarding Zoya's arc is also an interesting choice to me

I wish the hug hadn't been done though, it didn't feel earned

maybe Alina awkwardly and half-heartedly (remember, at this point the alliance is fresh and they still don't entirely trust each other) reached for a hug and Zoya avoided her? and then the rest of Zoya's lines followed? that would have made more sense to me at least

I love Sujaya as well, she brought life into Zoya with whatever little screentime and scraps of writing she got

inej asking kaz 'what's your angle?' beep bop bleep morp I sense another incoming embarrassing love confession

'but we do need you' *stares at her face intensely* 'I need you' ah look at the clock, look's like it's time to screech and flap your arms like you're a volcra because you're incapable of containing your emotions

NO YOU CAN'T GO DIRECTLY FROM KANEJ PROGRESS TO HELNIK BREAKUP (TEMPORARY, MIND YOU)

helnik my loves you don't deserve this I'm so sorry for both of you

Matthias fucking smiling ruefully while he says 'this was... just a cruel joke all along' THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY

omg hellgate

AAAAAAAAH NINA IS ON THE SAME FRAME AS THE OG CROWS I CAN'T HANDLE THIS

CAMERA PAN FROM KAZ SAYING 'JUST HOW THIS ALL STARTED... WE'RE GONNA NEED A HEARTRENDED' TO NINA OVERHEARING HIM AND LOOKING OVER?????!!!!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME?!

Nina genuinely being curious as to the status of the sun saint because she obviously still cares

Also, 'But she is a Saint' okay Kaz trying to earn brownie points you have succeeded

DID THAT SAILOR JUST SAY 'GOED MORGEN FENTOMEN' TO MALINA BECAUSE I AM NOT OKAY WITH THEM JUST THROWING THAT IN MY FACE ALL OF A SUDDEN

gods I know I'll probably see them again but my heart is full of sorrow as my eyes drink in the sight of my crows for the last time for a while

I know people were annoyed at the meadow flashbacks but guess what? as a darklina, I loved them

'now that the Darkling is dead' could have phrased that a little differently my dudes that line needed to hold more weight

am I glad that they showed Darkles in this state with his nichevo'ya as a tasty little cliffhanger despite not being entirely true to the source material? maybe but only because Ben Barnes saying 'follow' and the nichevo'ya doing exactly so sent a chill down my spine

well, that's it for now, I'll have to move on I guess, get back to my real life which I'm obviously not ready to do

thank you to whoever actually read these things

I probably should have just made reactions or commentary videos instead but I'm lazy

my tumblr will probably go into inactivity once more as I emerge from my stint in the grishaverse

it was quite short (less than 2 months), considering the length of my other obsessions but it was definitely more intense than the other ones

[curseofaphrodite]

i will start mentally preparing myself for that angsty fic, thx for the warning, i'm gonna cancel all my plans for that day so i can just sob along to taylor swift's songs

also, i have this habit of accidentally starting series (haha) so i need to finish that tasm fic, then finish part 5 (6? i can't remember) of my latest fic while praying that my tasm fic doesn't need a part 3

but that will be done when my stupid adorable cat decides that my lap/arms are not a comfortable enough bed cause rn i'm imobilised

it's a presentation for my lit class! i have to choose an author (i chose ionesco), read at least 700 pages worth of his work, then find a theme (i chose 'how ionesco shows the literary concept of the absurd in his work') and then analyse 3 excerpts according to 3 different axis of analysis, ig? it's hard to explain in english lmao, it's easier in french. then the whole presentation has to be done on friday during our last two periods (so i'll have the whole entire week to freak out) in front of 18 students + my smart as all fuck teacher

clearly, i'm fine

also i'm on season 5 of criminal minds and it's being very interesting so far👀 dr reid is- like, i know that i'm usually just like ✨women✨, but on this rare occasion, ✨men✨, more specifically ✨reid✨

also idk who that url belongs to but same

you're welcome.

thats a superhero power to be honest. i can NEVER finish series so i stick to oneshots. i go *screams* at schedules so thats not for me 😭 you deserve cookies.

show. me. the. cat. *hisses*

okay wow that sounds like a lot of work. im sure youll do AMAZING though. i believe in youuuu. yes im your personal cheerleader now.

AAA SPENCER REID IS LIKE HWJW. Especially Matthew too, tbh. Like he straight up walked out of a book. He's so nice and FUN and awkward I love him with my soul.

fun fact, i started reading self insert fanfics because of him so yeah, he's the reason my life is ruined.

[mariaiscrafting]

can i ask why you dislike dream? im not being passive agressive or something lol i am genuinely curious

S’all good, kinda figured you weren’t being, and a lot of people have asked me this lol. There are so many reasons, and I’ve said this so many times already, but I’ll try to go over some of the main things I can remember:

1) Arrogance: kinda put me off how he’s always responded to criticism. Always kinda had an air of superiority about shit, and it never really bothered me on its own because I think lots of CCs are arrogant & I’m arrogant myself, but combined with all of the following, it became a reason for me to dislike him lol

2) Manipulation of his audience: look, I kinda always knew that CCs with huge fanbases, especially CCs who grow this quickly, have some kind of grasp of how to treat and foster their audience to their greatest advantage. I’ve always been wary of CCs that put on soft or nice personalities, especially since the whole Shane Dawson debacle. But with Dream, it’s been a whole other thing ever since his cheating response video, and I’ve never been able to see him in a good light in regard to how he responds to his fans, ever since. I went into it in a lot more detail back when I first watched the video, the day it dropped, but I’m too exhausted to scrounge that post up, so I’ll summarize: that video had a very specific strategy that he used to victimize himself and appeal to his fans’ compassion for him, and after rewatching the video for the third time that day, it felt gross and calculated to me. The way that he focuses very little on the actual mathematical part of his argument. The way he frames the issue of the mods having favoritism or bias. It was already proven on Reddit and throughout Twitter that the numbers the mods looked at were for good reason, and not because they just wanted to pick the numbers that made Dream look the worst, but that’s how he framed the argument. When I logged onto Twitter and Tumblr that day, there were thousands of fans who had latched onto what he said in the latter half of that video and coming to Dream’s defense, and that’s kinda when it hit me: this guy fucking knows what he’s doing, and he’s doing it well, and I really really dislike it. There’s about a hundred other ways he manipulates his audience, including not coming to people’s defenses when huge chunks of his audience attack them (even though the people had respectful and correct criticisms of him), defending stans so adamantly in the face of antis, and posting periodic alt tweets that help garner the illusion that he super cares about his fans; but, that cheating response video was the major red flag, for me.

3) Cheating & lying: as is likely no surprise to y’all, I think Dream cheated lmao. At first, I was ecstatic that he had actually made a detailed response video and put out a report with the help of an actual professional, but as I read up on his supposed statistical argument and dissected the parts of his argument that felt off to me, I realized maybe he had cheated. Talking to some STEM major friends of mine, who weren’t into MCYT but had obviously heard about the whole debacle because they like Twitter and Minecraft, kinda put the nail in the coffin for me. I’m not nearly smart enough or have a good enough memory to detail exactly why I think he cheated on this blog, right now, in April, but essentially: his main argument relied upon claiming mod bias, instead of a sound mathematical or statistical argument; there’s no way of proving that the world files he provided to the mods and in the open source weren’t altered; the statistical problems he points out (i.e., stopping effect) don’t actually skew the original mods’ model nearly as much as his supposed PhD guy would say; and the odds he comes up with might not be nearly as impossible as 1 in 7 trillion, but they still come up to around 1 in 100 million, which is still fucking ridiculous, considering that there are only, like, 120 million people in the world who play Minecraft.  Not impossible, but laughable that he expects people to believe that. But... I guess they did, lmao. The thing that peeved me the most about the whole thing was the adamant lying lmao. When you look at the situation from the perspective of “dream cheated,” you realize just how fucked up all his Twitter responses, his adamance in streams and that video, and the general mood among his friends is... idk man, it’s just highly fucked.

4) Relationship with stans: look, there are significant numbers of  his fans that take part in Twitter cancelling vendettas, who spread around information about other CCs and their fellow fans that is false and meant to villify them, etc., and he never fucking says anything. It really, really bothers me. There are too many instances to enumerate, but a few that have caught my eye were when Dream stans would attack Techno, prior to their battle and when a Native American woman politely explained why he shouldn’t use Native music, he responded and said he wouldn’t, but tons of stans continued to attack her in her replies for “being so harsh/mean.” Like, he knows that just one word from him will make his fandom follow his beck and call. All it would’ve taken was one fucking word. There are so many fucking people that have been harrassed off of social media platforms because of the hivemind that is dttwt, for christ’s sake.

5) Reddit posts: All of the above were reasons for me to mildly dislike the guy prior to the Reddit posts, but they weren’t really enough to make me stop posting about c!Dream or reblogging fanart or reading DNF fics or watching Manhunts. I kinda just clowned on the guy, answered the occasional ask about the cheating thing or something related, and left it at that. The Reddit posts not only pissed me off for their content, but for the lying, as well. Do you think I fucking cared about him cheating at speedrunning Minecraft, of all games? Fuck no. What I cared about was the adamant lying that went into the whole debacle. Kinda the same with the Reddit posts. I’m one to usually forgive creators who acknowledge past errors, obviously. It is creators who try to brush stuff off, or even worse, create an elaborate lie to cover up allegations, that put me off a fuck ton. This is the reason I could never be comfortable with watching Pewdipie after I realized all the shit he had brushed off, and it’s now the reason I can’t go back to watching Dream. There is so much evidence that points to guilt, including but not limited to: his first move when the slideshow dropped (before posting to Twitter) being deleting as many old Discord messages as he could, the contradiction between him at first denying the account was his at all then changing the story to say he shared it with a friend, the wording and phrasing in the political posts being almost identical to the non-political posts that were clearly him (i.e., the one that explains his demographics perfectly), and the timing of the political posts (some of them being posted mere minutes after posts that were verifiably him, like the picture of Patches to the cats subreddit). People can claim that he’s likely changed, and what this it matter, as long as politics don’t affect his work now, but I can’t believe this fundamental misunderstanding of why bigotry in entertainment matters. I’ve always had a problem with the adoration this fandom has for cishet white men, and the constant criticism of non-cishet, non-white, non-men, but this really feels like the final slap in the fucking face. It’s like everyone truly believes that it doesn’t matter, that his beliefs couldn’t have possibly affected the way he’s treated fellow CCs in his circles or any of the number of people that depend upon Dream, directly and indirectly, for employment/CC clout. It’s like everyone truly believes that political ideology has no effect on the way we perceive, treat, and behave around other people in literally any field, not just politics. I, just... Christ. I don’t really wanna unpack my emotions about this whole thing right now, so I won’t. I’ll just say: I dislike Trump supporters and ex-Trump supporters alike, I dislike conservatives who claim they’re centrists (every fucking guy my age does this, it’s infuriating and makes me want to bash my head into the nearest wall), I dislike people who levy their fans against criticism - even when it’s righteous - and I dislike people who lie about their past actions; Dream fits all those categories, so I dislike him.

[by-kilian]

to the anon that mentioned minors sharing 18+ content OH MY GOD THAT ANNOYS THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I’ve seen so many fic writers with a lot of warning of minors do not interact and idk what it is about younger people nowadays, I sound like such an old lady meanwhile I’m on 21, but they have no boundaries and are disrespectful to peoples boundaries they put up purposefully. Like a fic writer I follow when on hiatus because she had to explain numerous times that “ok fine, I can’t stop minors from reading my work but please don’t interact with me” and then got flooded with minors sharing their age???? like????

im not gonna sit here and say i never consumed mature content when i was young but jesus i wasn’t going out of my way to let people know that & make them uncomfortable???

and to go back to to the another anon that mentioned if the fic authors wanted their work spread, they would do it themselves, I 10000% agree. (I’m repeating myself with “this fic writer I follow”) but i follow an author who purposely puts at the end of her works “DO NOT RECOMMEND MY WORK ON TIKTOK” because she doesn’t want to deal with that crap.

Yeah idk what it is. Cause listen. Like you, I consumed mature works when I was way too young to do so but I didn’t go out of my way to make people uncomfortable especially when they were setting boundaries with me. But I was also clever enough to just lie so there’s also that 😂

I think a lot of it is lack of boundaries and finding it funny and it’s really not funny. It’s there for their safety because it’s inappropriate for adults to allow that, and it was mortifying for me to find out minors were reading my things en masse even when the content was clearly marked with adult content. I think it’s wanting to be cool enough to join the club*~ and I get it bc it is literally excluding you, but for good reason. :/ either be smart enough to lie (lmao) or just respect people’s boundaries. Simple.

And I know several creators who do that now. Idek if people respect that but I hope they do...lol

lastly 👯‍♀️❤️

[xmoonlitxdreamx]

Zero Escape rambling/opinions under the cut

I'm not really super involved in the ZE fandom these days, but is sigma/luna generally seen as controversial...? It's hard fpr me to gauge ppl's opinions in the fandom idk... I never played ZTD so i really kinda percieved them to be a potential romance (w the "i love klim" password, luna ending where she holds Sigma & it's revealed he gave her the necklace, also sigma's weird "flirting" w her which i personally wasn't always a fan of but that's another topic).... idk it never read as familial to me so even tho i know canonically ztd sigma says "luna's like a daughter to me" i just.... dont really buy that or put that into account at all when I draw them, I kinda just ignore that....

like i guess it can be imagined as me drawing from a timeline where sigma doesn't develop a familial relationship with luna? I mostly draw them w luna having romantic feelings for him, and sigma having a mix of lingering sentimental feelings for diana/romance in general + soft affection for luna... idk i know i just said i ship them but even then i kinda draw them w sigma trying to keep things platonic between them given the situation, but he does also maybe have some sort of underlying romantic feelings for her. Idk that's just my take on them, kinda not very articulate or clear rn sorry;;

Even with never playing ZTD I personally didn't like how they handled Sigma's plot and stuff so a lot of the game just doesn't feel canon to me & I don't apply to my drawings of the characters;; Honestly some of the decisions made between vlr and ztd just baffle me like if Sigma and Phi are father & daughter, why would they make 22-year-old Sigma make weird passes/comments about her in vlr.... like i think before ztd was released uchikoshi had been like "i dont view sigma and phi romantically for reasons that will be explained later, don't view them like that" in an interview & im like.... you could have avoided ppl seeing them like that if you didn't write sigma making weird comments about phi in vlr...... idk i never viewed phi and sigma romantically while playing & mostly saw them as friends who insulted each other a lot, but i also wondered like maybe they're supposed to be a pairing or something?? So it was just weird for me to learn that in ztd "oh sigma's actually phi's dad" and "oh sigma actually sees luna as his daugter" when it seemed like vlr was implying otherwise...

(again i dont ship sigma/phi and personally never saw them romantically in vlr... I do think it's weird that they made sigma flirt (?) w phi in vlr & think they should've been more careful abt how they handled their dialogue given that they are revealed to be father and daughter.)

Anyway idk, a lot of sigma's character and relationships w other characters is just so weirdly written.... like i know most ppl dont like him for making gross comments abt the girls in vlr and i agree... i think there are ways to write horny characters (or even just characters that find a lot of ppl attractive) without having to make them make a lot of gross comments at people... it's like annoying to me that there's all this weird stuff surrounding him when I really liked a lot of his other characterization (like being kinda a goofy idiot but smart at the same time, his instinct to just trust ppl immediately, his kinda surprising earnestness despite seeming like a self-centered douchebag sndnnxj).

I guess the point is... i like and draw sigma/luna (mostly college au bc post-vlr is kinda complicated) bc i basically ignore a lot of what goes on in ztd and am able to detach myself enough from the game given that ive never played it, but also if it makes ppl uncomfortable truly I do understand that bc he does canonically say he thinks of her as a daughter.... I really really dont see them like that tho so anytime i draw them please know it's not as a father-daughter relationship;;

I don't draw them much anymore but like if it does make most ppl uncomfortable i don't mind not posting what I draw, or like making a tag for them for ppl to block... idk. This is basically a non-issue bc i really haven't drawn sigluna in a while... but i do also want to eventually finish that comic i was working on last year, which kind of has sigluna themes (tho the conclusion is why things can't work between them tbh sjnxndnn idk in post-vlr timeline i kinda hc no endgame romance for sigma... hence why i ship him w so many ppl in my weird college au LMAO;;)

Anyway yeah. Idk what else to say here, there's not really a point to this post just kinda blabbing... might delete later bc i hate having opinions on things jsncndnjc

SIGH in conclusion i think uchikoshi did sigma dirty lmao.....

[ancient-bruises-ancient-moon]

ok SO I got an anon I wasn’t gunna respond to but I'm enjoying a vegan chocolate banana cookie dough thc/cbd infused smoothie I invented so fuck it, let’s do this

this isn’t gunna be eloquent at all and I hope what im intending to say comes off correctly. may not, my brain is mush- but here we go!

so last night/technically this morning I reblogged a lot from this brilliant intersexism blog. (highly recommend giving a follow!) which led to...a bizarre ass anon this morning (I'll make another post linking to her blog so ya’ll can follow. she doesn’t need to deal w/ this post after everything else she deals w/ on here- unless u want to ofc!! hi ur cool! ANYWAY...)

I don’t remember the exact wording but it was something like “so ud rather have sex w intersex ppl over trans ppl??”

ummm. I literally never said shit about sex w/ intersex ppl?? like, ever.

was that supposed to be some huge “gotcha!!” ??

‘cause it didn’t work, at all.

1. my body is not a democracy

2. why r ya’ll obsessed w sex as validation

3. ur rly gunna ask me, essentially, if I'd rather be intimate w a deranged narcissistic reality denying manic OR a person with an intersex disorder...and u rly think I'm gunna be like OH NO I’D RATHER HAVE SEX W A MANIAC???

like...it’s rly not ab sex at all but did u RLY think that was gunna work in ur favor somehow?? and if u did, why did u think so? could it be bc u use intersex ppl as pawns for ur arguments but then don’t actually consider them ppl that can be in loving and intimate relationships? do u rly think this is activism? do you feel no shame?? you should be fucking embarrassed. this is so embarrassing for you. 

something ya’ll don’t realize: I worked at a center that offered therapeutic services, std testing, & peer activity groups for lgbtiapqbdsmnlmnop folxxxx

I know how ya’ll speak to your therapists, to your peers when you think no one is listening, I watch ya’ll take credit for things u did NOTHING for, I've watched your violence against anyone who disagrees with you (INCLUDING about tv show characters...like, come on..) Adult trans women using fake IDs to try to get into youth events...and then get MAD AT ME when I have to kick A WHOLE ASS HALF DRESSED MAN GRINDING ON THE FLOOR out of an event for CHILDREN... this is beyond just Tumblr. you’re also like this irl. and often, somehow, even fucking worse.

I had far less intersex clients BUT ya know who wasn’t throwing tantrums, being violent, trying to take credit for things they didn’t do, starting fights, sneaking into events to get near minors?? my intersex clients! NOT ONCE. AND  let’s be real...my intersex clients had good fucking reason to be furious and there were absolutely times that I would not have blamed them in the slightest for slapping tf out of someone...but they didn’t. not once. (ngl tho if they did I would have “not seen” what happened tbh bc I am a very responsible adult lmao- I can say this now bc I left the field so it matters not at all for my career)

ya know who would stay after hours, silently crying in rage bc of the shit trans clients said to them? my intersex clients (the big one was trans ppl telling them they’re lucky they get to ~~choose~~ their sex)

ya know who took the time to use open activist hour to build presentations to teach the LARGELY ENTIRELY INEPT staff (myself included, more below) about intersex issues so the people who come after them can get better help than they were able to receive?? I'll give you one guess. 

I left academia and working in the field w/ ppl bc of my experiences at this place & the direction this tender gender trender shit is taking academia. Intersex people deserve so much fucking better than even having to HEAR this bullshit. I would only go back into the field to work with women & intersex individuals. Probably as a volunteer though, but I digress

I worked there when all these new words were coming out too like demisexual android identified diaper baby or whatever the fuck lmao and the trans clients would be FURIOUS when anyone didn’t know wtf it meant

and in contrast our intersex clients were constantly explaining shit to staff/interns/volunteers about their conditions that they should never have had to explain TO THE PROFESSIONALS WHO WERE THERE TO HELP THEM. and I can’t even lie and pretend I fucking knew much, I didn’t. I was hired without even knowing i’d be working w intersex clients- I just needed to show I knew some trans buzzwords. but I put in the time to learn, I read every book any client recommended, any article they emailed me- but honestly that STILL ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH!!!! I should NOT have been hired!!! MY BOSS should not have been hired!!! Actually, the only staff members that actually deserved their job was an gay intersex man. OT but he was so cool and smart and hilarious and like FUN ANGRY like idk how to explain that better lol he was good at getting u pumped up ab shit & good at getting ppl worked up enough to DO something. The only other staff member who actually cared and knew anything was a lesbian woman (of course) but she had recently had a baby and became so afraid for the welfare of her wife and daughter that she went along w trans shit that she KNEW was delusional and unhealthy bc we SAW these trans clients being violent on the Regular. we were legally obligated to call the cops several times. she wasn’t wrong to be afraid but I do think she should have tried to work elsewhere if she could no longer do her job with integrity but that’s a conversation for another day.

agh im just gunna end this post now bc I can rly go on and on but I'll leave the post with this question that I'd very much like an answer to:

how can we as activists be of better service to our intersex sisters? this issue is becoming more and more pressing and I can’t sit back and do nothing for them anymore. does anyone know of intersex only orgs that need volunteers or have suggestions?? PLS LET ME KNOW. I won’t go back to where I was but there’s GOTTA be SOMETHING I can do for the intersex community. let’s figure it out <3 this issue very seriously needs the attention of radical feminists tbh so...let’s do something.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i am SO delighted to hear that the "detective and five people trapped on an elevator and one of them is the devil" movie is real and you saw it. also while trying to send this i accidentally clicked the Unfollow button (and then promptly refollowed), sorry about that

lmao i maybe wouldn’t’ve noticed, love Tumblr Notifications and how like, they display different on desktop vs mobile and the way it Condenses them is only so helpful cuz sometimes some of them only display for 0.2 seconds while i’m on mobile and it hasn’t Refreshed in a way that reshuffles everything and i can’t view that particular [Like from a certain person or smthing] ever again lmao like i hate this, it’s bad, just like that movie about people trapped on an elevator and a detective has to get them out and has to act fast b/c one of them is the devil

it is so stupid first of all like. it’s just overall not a great movie from Any of the angles it’s playing like. first of all the Detective is only around b/c he’s solving a nearby murder / death and making like. corny dumb “oh this is a Smart guy” observations about the Scene and someone is like “oh hey @ cops you’re already on the premises, come solve the mystery of Elevator Broke” like i don’t think that’s how it works and also i can’t even remember the reason they find this issue That pressing pre-realizing And One Of Them Is The Devil. maybe someone dies right off, idk. there is conflict on the elevator so naturally that’s a whole other thing like, we’re all trapped in this elevator together and maybe one of us is untrustworthy and liable to be dangerous to the rest of us like, i don’t know the Contrivance that makes these people think anything has to be done but just Stand Around for a while but it’s you know. that whole Thing where there’s a premise of “some shit is happening to Incite Conflict amongst strangers who are trapped in a bad situation together and they’re all apparently raring to judge each other’s moral fiber to decide who deserves Suspicion vs Protection.” but also, one of them is the devil

meanwhile on the outside it’s this dumb Cop Mystery Drama where this rando guy apparently sets aside the death he was investigating earlier to solve this elevator situation (i think eventually it’s revealed that that death was tied to the elevator situation all along. i think that the devil killed the guy. or something) and also, maybe there was Coincidentally some kind of heist going on at this place b/c i remember at some point the detective (and some partner there too involved in all this) like, find some tools hidden in a bathroom like “aha this was Used to do [whatever]” and despite having no idea what the details are i Know i remember this b/c of at the time going “oh my god that is so dumb Nobody Would Do This / this makes no sense” lol like. writing not great. and this was maybe Not the devil, but a regular separate scheme to. do something

also there’s some aspect where Main Cop has some tragic backstory and is like, not over it b/c it was so painful. i think maybe someone like hit and run his wife or something like that. you know how it goes. spoilers in that i think the person that the devil is here to kill (more on this devil assassination thing....) was Behind That somehow lmfao so it’s like really??? is that our resolution, that people’s stories are Converging in a very serendipitous way b/c the devil would like to give people emotional catharsis......idek. look, spoilers, this old lady who “dies” in the elevator relatively early on turns out to have been The One Of Them Who Is The Devil, Act Fast. and it was this weird thing where the devil is like “grr whoever i’m even here to Get in the first place is just Such A Bad Person that uhhh i guess i came here in person to take them to hell” like.....what tf kind of Lore......this is definitely going with “aaaah the devil is evil” approach, not any more kind of Neutral figure, but then in the end apparently the evil devil is just really Judgey and Disgusted by someone being A Bad Person like??? you ought to love this shit!!!!! and anyways the detective learns that One Of Them is The Devil b/c when they take him up to the security camera display hq it’s like a) look at this scary Moment where the elevator camera feed gets staticky and a scary face appears for a moment (im not sure if i could see what it was supposed to be lmfao) This Means Something and okay oh my god i reread the plot summary b/c for the life of me i couldnt remember the ending, it is so stupid oh my god

okay so first of all the Dead Person the detective was investigating had left like a suicide note like “i am killing myself b/c um. the devil approacheth” like wow okay right off the bat? amazing foreshadowing. why does this person Know this?? and why should he care b/c the devil is here apparently for a Special Soul Collection like, this has nothing to do with you, random guy?? you don’t even need to worry like. just stay home from work to avoid the fairly minor problems that occur (like MAYBE one guy dies in the course of this story but i think it’s a little ambiguous, meanwhile whoever Really Dies in th elevator was i think due to like, suspicion and infighting lmao. idk maybe the devil killed a few of them. it’s weird) but yeah the highlight is this

everyone please enjoy this scene. security guy ramirez is explaining the Devil Expertise courtesy of Where I Come From where toast falling jelly side down is evidence that the devil is hanging out in the elevator. 

while looking up “devil toast” the result immediately after that one was “the devil takes the toast” which is a devil takes the hindmost ytp which i feel is really fitting

it kind of undercuts the stakes i think when not only is the devil only sorta gently radiating Bad Luck but also is just super Righteous but like. yes it turns out that the devil is here to Claim a guy on the elevator was the same dude who Hit N Run the detective’s family (wife and kid apparently) those years prior......except like, it wasn’t even like oh he assassinated them On Purpose, it’s apparently already a Known Detail that although they ~never knew~ who killed detective joe’s family (idk what his name is idc) there was a Note left on the scene like “sowwy :(” like really? this is the Big Bad that the devil made a special corporeal visit for??????? and then, get this, when the devil is like “i’m not a dead old lady, i’m the devil, and i’m here to Get you b/c you accidentally killed a couple of people and i, the devil, am really disgusted by how sinful you are for that” the guy is like “yes that was me :’( i’m sorry” and then the devil is like “ah fuck you’ve Repented. i can’t take you to hell anymore. bye” like what!!! why did he only have to feel bad about it to get out of this whole situation when obviously he Felt Bad in the first place b/c he up and left a note like “[grimace emoji] aaa my bad” like, did he have to apologize To The Devil?? the lore i s2g. Jelly Toast Rules operating here i guess. 

anyways then the detective who witnessed this i guess is like “wow the guy who killed my family all those years ago but i’m still sad about it.....well i’m gonna arrest him now. but also, I Forgive Him.” oh and also for a while there the detective was so gritty he didn’t believe in The Devil b/c the vehicular manslaughter apparently made him think that human nature was evil enough to not need the extra help. so now he’s made the arc of getting uh, emotional closure on his family’s death by forgiving the dude who i guess super crashed into them on accident, And gets to know that the devil is real actually and he’s on the elevator but now Not b/c he was like “ah jeez thwarted by this guy uh, feeling bad about the accidental deaths even though he felt bad in the first place” and there was no other point to the detective being there b/c he didn’t Really do shit except i guess drive this sideplot where you are led to believe he Might figure out who the Bad Guy on the elevator is. (it is the devil. one guy has a crime record or something but, spoilers, he is trying to turn his life around with some good honest work as a security guard or something. idk)

it was amazing and very stupid and i was continually indignant b/c the writing was dumb and made no sense and just so fucking corny throughout. the entire movie is called “devil” and i remember it was like “tf is ‘devil’” and as soon as it involved an Elevator i was like omg omg is this And He Has To Act Fast Because One Of Them Is The Devil, and it was, so that was exciting. it was a dumb waste of time but also it was not b/c it was *slightly* so bad it’s good. mostly Not Even. but just watch the toast scene there b/c like. i think that’s this movie’s #1 contribution outside that post about the plot summary. 

[lorddiiavolo]

*shyly slides url over*

i made the meme up. you don’t tell me what you always wanted to say “bEfoRe 2020 eNdS”, i do. send your url.

    can I just start off by saying I’m Thoroughly pleased that I got to meet you in the year of 2020?  of all the chaos that’d happened, I’d say you’re a surprise bundle of chaos that I got to meet but you aren’t rly chaos per se - you’re another one of those surprise, mellow friends that I had the privilege of meeting.  you’re such a sweet person, Brit - ignoring your tendency to strew angst all over the place. it’s a good quality to have though, I didn’t get enough angst in the past couple of years anyway, you keep me on my toes with your angst lmao.

  AND for having just 10 months to talk and get familiar with each other ( I think we both have the tendency to not approach people first for various but also possibly some similar reasons ), we came quite a ways.  you were always on the dash and I always was trying to figure out ways how to get us to write more bc Diavolo was digging his heels in the dirt with Solomon akjsha but despite how much Diavolo might’ve Not been fond of Solomon, your portrayals are part of the reason I’ve come to rly like the muses you write for ( especially the ones I’ve seen before but haven’t really paid much attention to: Vil, Solomon, Barbatos but I liked him - you just amped it up with your portrayal, Byakkomaru even tho idk who he is - your portrayals have me like :eyes: ).   the amount of detail and love and passion you put into them, how you explain their inner workings and why they do what they do, it gives me ( and I’m sure many others ) a different perspective. it’s a refreshing change of perspective and you always have me open-minded when it comes to the characters you take on. I even kind of take your portrayal for what the characters are, at least the ones that I don’t know but kfsja none of it is done in a way that's obviously out of character.   you’re so thoughtful with not only your portrayals but with how you treat people.  you always put a lot of work into everything. every writing, every relationship, every project you do, be it a meticulous process, I understand but you do it in such a way that it’s seamless.  you’re an overachiever ( no, I will not hear your objections, you came for what my thoughts are about u and Im delivering, u cannot intervene with humbleness and/or objections. shush, be silent ) and that’s something I can recognize.  you dive headfirst into projects and portrayals but you come out of it on top, and that’s just Brit.  it doesn’t take a close friendship to realize that, either.  that’s something admirable.  and I hope you carry that trait into every single thing you do - not to a point of burnout but in healthy dose.

  in this new month - seeing as we got to talk a little more afjsah I really hope we can do more. I’m bad at telling people about what Im doing kfsja things that interest me or just talking about my day but that’s something I wanna do with u and a lot of other people that I got to meet and get more familiar with. you’re an anchor on my dash, a presence I’ve gotten so used to seeing that when I don’t see you pop up normally I go and see if ur up to anything just for the sake of knowing.   I hope you don’t take these as just words when I say you’re someone who I’ve gotten used to having around and I plan on being around a little more bc you’re just good company to have.  no tension, no time-limit, no negative strings attached rly you’re just someone who I see vibing on the dash and someone who tolerates the bullshittery I let Diavolo do kASDFJ SO WITH THAT BEING SAID ---- thank you for being here. and for giving me a chance to find my bearings with this blog bc I didnt know what I was doing at first lmao THAT GOES IN HAND with your support. from small amounts of it to you just up front responding to shitposts and interacting ooc in general, like, it’s small to some people but its a lot to me and it always makes me smile a little when I see you bc its like “we’re bonding” LMAO you’re GREAT, Brit. you’re SMART, you’re wELLREAD, you’re just as shitposty as I am but u get it. you’re someone I didn’t think I’d even be able to talk to and yet here we are. and what’s more is your angst balances out my dash tbh lmao. it’s wonderful, pls keep it up - bring the tears for me and I hope you’re ready for more trouble from not only Diavolo but myself >:3c ily, treat yourself kindly and DONT BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF IM JUST AS STUBBORN BUT LISTEN I WILL REMIND YOU. now pls drink water. thank you for being here still, Brit.

[revol-lover]

i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok. 

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though. 

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend. 

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020  but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i  have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic. 

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is 

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me  in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

[tfw-no-tennis]

hunter x hunter thotz so far

soooo ruth and i started watching hunter x hunter woohoo finally! we’re like 10 or so eps in so i decided to collect some thots below on what i think so far (i havent rlly been spoiled so im interested to look back on this once ive watched more)

first off i love gon sm, hes immediately so endearing...hes just a baby!!!! just a little baby boy!!!! hes just so cute and good, im so not ready for him to get put thru the wringer later on as ive vaguely heard happens

the first few episodes were really fast paced which i enjoyed and thought was for the best. the characters came thru really strongly and i feel like we heard juuuust enough about the setting, premise, and what a hunter is 

i wasnt expecting leorio and kurapika to show up in the FIRST EP lmao that surprised me. i love so much how the three of them like IMMEDIATELY became a family unit in like 3 eps lmaoooo it was like ok here are 2 parents and their son bam. also leorio and kurapika having a showdown on the boat (which didnt end up happening) was a wild ride 

i have like zero fucking idea what a hunter is and the more they attempt to explain the more confused i get. its honestly kind of hilarious how little sense it makes. to be clear this doesnt detract from my enjoyment of the show at all (if anything it adds to it)

oh my god fuckgin hisoka is the worst he hasnt done much but i hate him so much already. good villain writing/design so far, hes so hateable

ruth every time hisoka shows up: WE HATE UR PUSSY BIIIITCH 

the character design in this show is....a lot lmao. ruth and i decided its a cross between soul eater, jojo, and one piece in terms of aesthetic. the designs are certainly unique and so many of them are just so ugly hvbjafdbdskgs it reminds me of that post thats like ‘masterpost of jojo characters who look busted as shit’ lmao

i already love this show a lot tbh like the way its structured so far has been kinda atypical for a shounen, at least in terms of fights - we really havent seen a lot of fighting yet. also nen hasnt shown up yet and its reminding me of stands not becoming a thing in jojo until p3 lmao 

anyways in litrally ep1 i already loved the 3 main characters we saw...leorio is a wild dude, i love him sm, especially as a fellow medical binch who wants MONEY. like, thats literally me. and kurapika is also wild, like damn they rlly just dropped their backstory in ep 1 huh. like we rlly are jumping right into this 

also when leorio said he was a teenager i was like WHAT???? just like evryone else which YEA omfg. i cant believe hes that young lmao. kurapika too

so leorio is one of those 19 yr olds who looks 40 and kurapika is the type of teen who looks like a 12 yr old

and KILLUA i love him sm also....hes an adorable assassin catboy and hes perfect. i love how quickly he and gon hit it off (tiny bfs.....) and how hes just like, this extra as hell 12 yr old with a SKATEBOARD and ASSASSIN SKILLS and then he sees gon and is like guess im gonna fall in love 

i gotta talk abt gon again i just love him. hes so polite and cute and kind and good, i just love him...wht a good protag. his motivation is just wild too, hes like well my dad abandoned me to go off and be a hunter (which he isnt even mad abt, what a nice lad) so im gonna do that to see what the deal is

i love how gon (just like the audience) doesnt really know what a hunter does/is and just goes into the exam totally blind lmao. also the fact that his skills seem to include jumping good, being speedy, having the energy typical of a 12 yr old, being a weather sniffer, being nice, and having good instincts/constitution as a result of having eaten random grass and forest shit growing up...amazing. 

is this gonna turn out to be one of those things where its like, wow theyve been using nen this whole time without realizing! tht would honestly explain a lot lmao 

i really enjoy how like....semi-normal the power levels are rn? while also being all over the place and wack as fucks obvs (like hisoka dissolving that guys arms in his first appearance was A Lot, as well as all the card stuff hes done..). like the part wher that blue guys (evil franky one piece) punches the ground and it leaves a crater and everyones like !!!! wow wtf thats unnatural! that literally threw me off bc that kinda thing is so normal in anime lmaoooo. but i like that thats the starting point bc it leaves a lot of room for power escalation w/out it getting too out of hand 

specifially our protags are starting out pretty low on the Shounen Badass scale - especially gon (and leorio, tho i kinda predict he wont be as fight-y? what with him being premed)

i find it kinda hilarious how killua hasnt done too much (aside from murdering those 2 randos in like half a second) despite being so clearly skilled...like when they have to do the 5v5 fight thing in the tower, i wouldve thought hed be the first up cause hes so badass but nope

actually thats what i find interesting - i was expecting all 5 (or maybe 4, we’re in the middle of leorio’s ‘fight’) of the fights to be physical smackdowns but so far nope, theyve been very cerebral. that bodes well, w/how smart the fights have been, bc i doubt the fights will get stale tht way 

tho they might be kinda frustrating sometimes - there are times when u DO just wanna see a good ole fashioned shounen beatdown yknow. but we do get enough of that now (and im sure we’ll get plenty more) to satisfy (like kurapika decking fake-franky) 

oh also the opening. its so charming and cute and i love the song...its also so hilariously basic and classic - like one of those typical 2000s anime openings where theres stock run cycles of all the main characters and theres a little animation of all the characters fighting together (and that fight doesnt actually happen, its just for the op) 

also love that leorios the only one who doesnt fight in the OP, instead getting saved from death by gon lmao. im curious if he’ll end up fighting at all (i assume a little?) and if he’ll use nen (probably healing type nen?) 

also i already wanna fistfight ging for abandoning his perfect angel son. also leorio is literally gons dad already, they even look alike wow 

that guy hanzo has done basically 0 things so far but i rlly like him already, im curious if thatll change. also sorry for calling u ‘hanzo overwatch!?!?!?!’ upon first viewing my guy 

tonpa is str8 up so annoying pls leave u pathetic loser 

tho it cracked me up when he and Evil Mr Clean were facing off and starting getting all detailed/shaded and i was like o shit is he actually badass. are we abt to see like a nen battle or st. but no....lmaooo

i found it interesting that leorio didnt really admit to wanting to be a dr at first...hes such a good dude, he kinda just let kurapika think that his motives were superficial and greedy when in actuality theyre selfless

also wanting to be rich can be a rlly interesting character motivation and i love when its done right

oh my god i cant believe it took me this long to mention the hilariously edge ED....like holy shit, its so 2000s, the song sounds like its been re-recorded like 40000 times bc of how bad the audio quality is, or something, idk how to describe music but its hilariously specific in tone and its rlly funny to see shots of the main characters smiling while this screamo whatever plays in the bg....wow. 

also s/o to killua for being king of edgy with that ‘tear of blood’ shot

i rlly like how much of the plot, especially the early hunter exam stuff, is moved along simply by gon being a good kind polite boy. 

love the fact that he and leorio and kurapika (and later killua) all team up without even saying anything...i love that, most shounen would have them be like ‘che, i cant team up with anyone, i have to prove myself ALONE or my victory wont be EARNED’ or w/e idk. who knows that might happen later but rn i love how they all effortlessly work together (and how they all contribute - without each other they would have all failed at different points) 

oh man also killuas first appearence was so funny when he drank a bunch of tonpas poisoned drinks and was like [smirks] tch, loser, im immune to poison. get dunked on. [skateboard away] i love him so fuckgin much 

omfg that part where killua looks all shoujo/kawaii and is talking abt how hes gonna kill his family or w/e and gon is just like ^_^? i love they

HOOOOLY FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT, BUT 65% OF THE REASON I MADE THIS POST WAS TO MENTION HISOKAS THEME LMAOOOOO his music being like fuckgin, spanish guitar/traditional mexican type music is sooooo goddamn funny to me for some reason, like the first time it played i was like ok whats going ON with this spanish guitar lmao but then i figured out that its his theme and god thats so funny 

hisoka is also so fuckign jojo like he could so easily be in jojo. he and dio would be the fakest best friends ever and would constantly try to kill each other on the lowdown and shittalk each other constantly in private but be super sweet to each others faces. also they would hatefuck. no im not taking criticism bye 

i rlly love everyones backstories also, and i find it interesting that weve gotten to hear/see at least some of all 4 of the MCs backstories. theyre all compelling and interesting and i cant wait to dive in further 

also calling it now but kurapika is totally gonna get way too absorbed in revenge and get fucked up/disregard their own life (maybe in the style of robin in one piece?) we’ll see but i feel like it aint gonna end well. i could be wrong, i really havent been spoiled at all, thats just my guess 

hbahjfbshjf the ep that was called ‘hisoka x is x sneaky’ was SO funny that reads like a dora the explorer ep title 

also i had no idea the ep titles were formatted like that w/the x’s and thats rlly funny 

ok but the part where leorio - who seems to be pretty bad at fighting - tries to fight hisoka - whose literal first appearence involved him effortlessly dissolving a dudes arms - is so fucking funny. leorio rlly b a premed w/no brain cells....same bro. 

also i loved the Cutthroat Kitchen portion of the hunter exam and how not a single contestant was any good at it lmaoooo. do they not have the cooking channel in hxh-verse earth 

ok i love how the main characters are all intuitive in different ways depending on their own skills, like how killua can immediately guess that kurapika has never killed anyone before after they didnt kill evil-franky

kurapika joined killua in the Edgy Corner during that part also. like, they both have legit reasons to be edgy, but the shots of kurapika sitting in the darker tunnel part was kinda funny

also killua, a literal 12 yr old, calling out kurapika for being a murder virgin was pretty hilarious 

ok also i didnt know that madhouse animated hxh which is rlly funny but w/e i love the animation especially the occasional chibi parts and the facial expressions (like killuas ‘i love murder’ catboy expressions) 

oh also when killua murdered those 2 guys and his hand was all vein-y and his nails were pointy, his hands looked like hisokas do...i wonder if thats a legit connection or it hisoka just b getting his nails did 

kurapika talking abt how even seeing a regular spider makes them rlly angry was both very sad and kinda funny. kura u have so many issues god bless 

kurapikas smackdown on evil blue franky was fuckin dope tho. and the red eyes reveal was SPOICY 

rlly love how the individual fights highlights the characters strengths/morals/motivations/whatever....the writing is already really strong tbh 

ugh ok ive ranted enough this is a Lot lmao its so disorganized but w/e 

basically i love this series so far and im rlly curious whatll happen next. also everything seems pretty chill and upbeat so far (relatively) and i know this shit gets dark and im NOT FUCKING READY. 

til next timeeee

[finding-the-daylight]

Today has been a very stressful day, so guess wtf time it is? Drunk Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. Here is what I soberly remember of the movie (I have not watched it since BD2 came out): 

1. There’s a wedding.

2. There’s a honeymoon.

3. There’s swimming in the ocean.

4. There’s an accidental pregnancy.

5. The baby almost kills Bella.

6. The canon incident that we all hate happens.

7. The Volturi evilly laugh. 

Same as Eclipse, my drunken narration of the movie will be below the break.

A brief intro statement, I was 100% sober and just beginning to drink at the beginning of the Eclipse post and progressively got more drunk. For BD1, I’m throwing back before I even start watching this shit show.

- I love the effects of the intro. it’s very calming. THe putting away childish things quote is literally a Bible verse. I hate that Stpehen appropriated Quileute culture, Christian culture, and every culture. I know she’s mormon but sitll. THis shit feels real appropriated.

- Idk why rennee is all happy. she never gave a shit before.

- OMG ALICE TEHCING BELLA TO WALK IN HEELS IS THE CUTEST ICRY.

- carlisle carryign the bench is literally the hottest hting i’ve ever seen fck

- lowkey kinda creeprd out because she’s literally sacrificing her humanity to marry this deud she’s known for like a year but everyone other than jacob is super supportive

- damn she’s looking @ this dreamcatcher and it’s making me sad but tbh that shit probably caused half her nightmares because she’s not native so sleep paralysis (if you know you know).

- DAMN EDWAD RELALY JUST ADMITTED HE’S BEEN A VIRGING FOR OVER 100 YEARS WHAT AB RAVE MAN WE STAN

- BUT FOR REAL WHY IS NO ONE FREAKING TF OUT THAT SHE’S LITERALLY BEGGING TO DIE FOR THIUS DUE?

- he just todl her hes killed people and explained it and it didn’t work she’s still down to clown with this vapire emo boi

- HOW HE’S SMILTING @ HR WTF I AM SO ALONEEEE

- i just wama ne im loved amd ne loved in retun plz

- this dream sequence is awful also fck the volturi is til hate that they never overthrew that crabbyass monarchy bullshit they were powerful enough

- i just wanna be like rosalie when i greow up

- charlie knew shit was off when he saw those crapsk 

- why the HELL is renen actin liks she cares? bitch go the fuck back home

- jessica is the only one with any damn common sense in this whole series talking about they’re too fucking young for this shitt bitch true and itm akes sene now why she was the valedictioajrn 

- SLEEPING AT LAST IS THT GROUP IDK IF YALL HAVE HEARD ANY OF HTEIR OTHER STUFF BUT THEY’RE AMAIZNG AND I USED TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP # THAT SHIT

- damn id’ be fuckign panicking too your lfie is over hoe 

- stpeheen sto pwiht your racist ass smiling its offensive

- CHARLIE FUCKING DEWEVRE BETTER SOMEONE LOVE HIM PLEASR

- this wedding is gorgoeus though i live for hte fuckj g aestiec 

- OH MY GORD THE PROM SONGGGGGGGG  FCK ME RIGHT IN THE EMO 

- IT JUST HIT ME WHN THEY WRE LOOKI  @ EACH OTHERS EYES THIS BTCH REALLY MARYING AN UNDRSF VAMPIRE HOE this shit is horryighn why was i not scare?

- carlisle is the love of y life

- sth is a lil ray of sunishen 

- i just reaized howd fucked it is that sue and chalrie are starng to catch feelz ut sue knows his daughter is funckugn off with a unded vamp emo iboi

- OMG I FCUKING HATE STEPHENE RACIST ASS I LEGIT MADE AP OST EARLIER SYAING LAURENT WANTED TO DO THE RIGHT THING ANDWOUVLEBE BEND A VEGETATIAN BITCH AND IRENEA CONFIRMED FCK THIS SHIT IM OUT ANG ANGRY

- charlie is gget ing drunk as hell my spiritn animel

- jesica is smart and beautiful she needs t os stop being jealous and petty know ya wotht girlie you got itl

- I SWEAR WHEN IGET MARRIED OSMEDAY IF ANYONE GIVES A SPEECH LIKE THIS I WILL PERSONALLY DRAGT HER ASS OUT.

- edwar lves her so much fck im all alone\

- how haoph hacob is when they hig i hate canonn they were best friends fc,

- jacob stay the fck outta her sex life she;s been wanting this for ad dman year fkc steohe let them jsut befriend

- steh is so swert but e is a chidl fck the is reacist plot bulshit

- CHARLIE DESEVRD BETTR FCK THIS PLOT FOR REAL I HAE CANON

- bela looks os ad she knows it’s goodbye but edward’s family is all smiling because they have her now hwat fthe ckc

- jac0bs cryng my heart brke

- i love bineg dunk 

- the scene isn rio is my faorite isn any of the movies eveyrhting looks warm and happy

- this bich can drive ab oat too damn he can just fod evryhin cant he

- CARLISLE BOUGHT A WHOEL DAMN ISALND FOR HIS WIFE AND I CANT ECVE GET A TEXT BACK? 

- deis this honeymon scene make anuone else unconmfy becuae same

- marying a vampire would be horrying af but also hot af and good af becuase htye oculd love so much and protect you from everythign fck 1-/10 woukd efeel safe

- bwll gaving a panic attakc ism e anyt tinme i try talking to an attractive man

- slepeign at last fckign ti up agin bit ch theis m yshit 

- when he said it was the best night i cred 

- tstoehe added the chess game like this shit is a hoje but i would love to play chess on my honemodn idk how uut  i want a man to each me but not mansplin

- WHY THE FUCJ AR THEY SO CTE ON THIS AMN HONEYMOON?

- i know i sadn it was horryig but i want a hotass vamp emo boi husband plas 

- damn jacob is being too emo she aint really gonan be ded for ever youll see her agianb itch

- ‘CULLENS ARE NOT A DNAGER TO THE TOWN OR TRUBE” BITCH IB EG TO FUCKIN DIFFER THIS SHIT BIOLOGICAL WARDARE RACIST ASS STPEHEN WRITING THIS FUCKING BULLTSIT

- ‘NONE OF THEM BELONG TO THEMSEVLES ANYGMROE” - SOMEONE SAID IT BITCH THSI SHIT IS FUCKRE IP

- i fucking hates these vamp racist bitches but i want a nonracist va,p husband bitch thus hot afck

- how tf does she not know shes rpegr yet eatin this weid ass shit?

- THESE FKERS BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES TLAKING BOU IDK IF ITS VEEN POSSIBEL BTICH YU SHOULD FUCKUGN KNO BY NOW

- ROVERT SPOEAKIN G PORTGUEVE IS SO KING ATRACTIV

- poor bella her life chaned so uqick and she[s soc scared fck dcnaon

- POOR CHARLIE I HATE THIS HE DESERVES TO BE LOVED AND TURTH TOLD

- ROSALEI IS THE EST 

- “YOU LOOK TERRBLE’ THIS IS THE FRIENDHSOP WE WANT WHYT THE FCK DOES FOPSTHE RUIN EALL THIS SHIT

- CARLISE IS FUNCIGJ HOT

- LIRALY BITCH I JUST WNAT A PURE FIRENDHSIP WUTH JACOB AND BELLA ITS WHAT THEY DESERVE FJC CAON

 - this montage is turopy a f when youre drunk waht the helc por jake thugh

- im sorry but i;n laughign my ass off at these fuckugn wolf vocie overs lmaoooo this shit hilarious

- SETH HAS SUCH A PURE HEART WHTY TF DID SPTEHEH RUIB HUS FUCJING CHILDHOOD BULTHIST

- WHY IS EVEYRIJE BSUCG AFUCKUGN BUTCG TO LEAH???? SHE DESEVRED THE FUCKING WORLD STPEHEN IS A RACISHT BITCHHHHHH

- calisbe is fos unicngn hot

- i just reaized robert is like the best fuckugn actor like this diolaguge is wha k as fuck btu he’s acitng all emo boi oscar worhty shti

- they realy had her fuckin drink blodo i hate cannjnonnn

- ifelel the same as kaje watchign this 

- but carlisle’s prety face made it all fuckig hetter

- FUCKRT HIS SHTI CHARLIE DESERVED BETTER HE’S THE BEST DAD FCK CANO NFUCK STEPRHNE 

- okay ut id is cute as fkc whe nedward hears the baby 

- esme and calrisle wilougn to risk their lives for bella i cryi

- fkc i really do hate cnaon because jake is acting liek an adult now and trying to do the honrble thig bue he should be a hpaoy chidl 

-  resnemsien is a ficking ridjcils name and we all fuckj nnew

- i ahte this part i’n bot even wathcing this shit rgros me rout 

- WHY THDID FUCK DID THIS BITCH HAVE A FUKCUNG SYRINGE OG VENOM LAYING AORUND? HOE!?!?!

- literlaiy fuick the dynamics of this whole moty hfknfucjg storyline plot bitch

- LEAH AND STHE DESERVERD BETTER

- SO DID JACOB

- SO DID ALL THE WOLFPAKC STPEHEN IS A RACIST AS SHOE

- aw hell here the fucks we hgo with theu ickgn im************** bulshit i ghate cnaojn canon can suck ad ick

- YES BILLY DEFEND YOUR CHIDL 

- rosalie is literally perfect when cnai b ehr 

- im real glad im drunk rin now because ioculd nto sit throguh this shit sober

- imp&******* is the worst plotline fkc]

- bit iamgiben falling alseo lookin gsick and waking up fhot as uck goals

- this sogn making me cry literlalu imcruing ims o alone lmao

- rheye really ended htoe move wirh red eyws lmaoooo

- hodl the fick up a damn minute stpeehebn producre htis cufkcng shit?

- now heres the hoes iv’ve been waiting on burnt the monarch fuckwits i hate thes epompis fuckers

- OVERTURBR THESE FUCKSERS THEY HAVE TIOO MUCH POWR 

CARLISR COULD FUCKING D OI T I HATE CNAON BRING THE VAMPIRE DECONOARCY

- OOHG BRUNNO MARS BRINGNG THE FUCKING SIMPSSHOES ANTHM I NEEDLOVE IT

[tartagilicious]

games/routes i’ve played + my favourites

..to be updated

*send me recommendations if you’d like!

(if i give a game a bad rating, it’s just my opinion. you don’t have to agree with me)

MysticMessenger :

routes: Zen, Yoosung, 707, and Jumin Han

my favourite: definitely Jumin Han! he’s more of an unpopular choice, and I see why, but, I love him. his story was borderline obsessive at some points, and im not going to try and defend his weird behaviour, but there was a reason for it. he got everything he wanted as a kid expect for the love of another person, which is why he treasured Elisabeth the 3rd so much, because in a way, she was the only one there for him. but, then after he gets close to the mc, and then Elisabeth goes missing, he sees the mc as the same type of warmth. he definitely could’ve been more casual about his approaches, and less weird about everything, but I see where it’s coming from. the boy’s got some trauma. and, I mean, the mc is kind and stays with him, understands him, and he opens up to her and falls in love with her. I don’t think it’s entirely unrealistic for an otome game. his character development was great. but, enough of Jumin. this is a really well thought out game. the storyline is impeccable, and the characters are all diverse enough that it’s usually not that much trouble picking one guy/girl over the other. but, this game is really heavily dependent on the emotional labour aspects of the boys, which I don’t like. if you want someone’s route, you had to constantly be excited for them and constantly support them and no one else. a prime example being zen’s route, which is still a great route from experience, but there’s too much flattery in the initial stages, if you ask me. also, I don’t have the energy to get up at 3am for a chatroom, sorry Jaehee.

my rating: 7 or 8/10

The Arcana :

routes: asra, julian, and nadia (portia, lucio, and muriel are current)

my favourite: Asra! this magician and his snake familiar got my attention pretty fast, and his heartbreaking past with the mc just sealed the deal for me. his route is so romantic and touching, but has a lot of action. it was honestly perfect. the devs did a great job with the writing of the game, and the storyline is, again, impeccable. I honestly cried when I found out about Asra’s history with the apprentice, and lemme tell you that is a DIFFERENT type of pain. 

my rating: 10/10

+Lost Island :

route: ryo tsuzuki

my favourite: none. ryo was definitely eye candy and a perfect guy, but he was the only route I played, and frankly, was the last. the only good things about this game were the action scenes, which were admittedly heart-wrenching since the game took place on a zombie infested island. But otherwise I hate this game with a burning passion, and will frankly be seeing it down in Dante’s inferno, in the depths of hell with every other shall we date game. It was my first otome game, I found it when I was 11 - just out of the womb lmao - and I was so entranced that I ended up spending sixty Fucking dollars on this game!!! I regret it deeply to this day, because the game was horrible. it moved so fast, it was pretty predictable (and I spent the sixty dollars to move it along even though when I look back at it the game exposed itself so many times??) it was so weird. after we cured the strange virus that his ‘missing’ sociopath scientist father created with an antidote hidden in Ryo’s blood and left the zombie infested island, he proposed to me in a bush! a bush! he popped the question in a bush, beat that level of romance ladies and gentlemen. and, I know now that I type it out it some points sound like a pretty good plot, but trust me, don’t let that fool you. I will argue with you about this until my death. and not to mention this bitch was a horny little shit in the middle of what the characters thought was the zombie apocalypse. all in all this game is the bane of my existence, thank you (I’m sorry this is so dramatic lmao)

my rating: -100000/10

Dangerous fellows :

routes: Zion, Harry, Eugene, Ethan, and Lawrence

my favourite: Zion! omg what a cutie, still highkey owns my heart. he’s your run of the mill rich kid that eventually rebelled, but his sense of humour and toughness is what won me over. His heartfelt promises and uncharacteristic seriousness in the face of danger were my favourite parts. he’s so adorable and owns all my uwus. I’d fight someone for this boy. this was the game the birthed this account a couple of months ago, and I still love it. 

my rating: 10/10

Lost Alice :

route: Owen Chester

my favourite: I know this technically doesn’t really count, but I did like the joker! I never played his route, and he wasn’t involved in Owen’s route much, but what little I saw of him was great.  He was joking, vague, and helped Alice out a lot as a guide in the very beginning. if I had the courage to even download this godforsaken game again I’d definitely go for him! as for Owen’s route, I honestly didn’t like it at all. all of these games have a timeline, and the end point is always the main characters fucking. like?? not the thing where you randomly travel back and forwards in time? no, just both living in her world and ignoring it, because, me and bae are official now and that’s all that matters 🤪 plus, classically, he was like the formal king trying to seduce her for funsies and then accidentally falling for her. 

my rating: 0/10

Modern Cinderella :

route: Rudolf Oak

my favourite: ..I didn’t really have one. I’m sorry this was a shall we date game, need I say more? the ’stoic’ restaurant owner that ’never opens up to people’ saw me stand up for myself literally once and suddenly his entire worldview of me has changed, and surprise surprise, he wants to date me. This was one of the worst ones I’ve ever played. I really had no favourite, except maybe for the guy that let me stay in his apartment in the beginning of the game and gave me food after he found me in the rain 🤧

my rating: 0/10

Ikemen Sengoku :

route: Hideyoshi, Yukimura, Nobunaga, Sasuke, Shingen, Masamune, Kenshin (mitsunari is current)

my favourite: yukimuraaa, yukimuraa, that bean. i can’t explain very well it but I love him :((. i really loved Mitsuhide, but I liked masamune too! I love masamune’s attitude atowards the mc, and his nickname and nonchalance around her (in sasuke’s route where he hesitated on killing him just because the mc yelled ‘stop!’ out of fear?? 🤧🤧), and I also love mitsuhide’s slightly threatening but caring personality, and that he’s deadly smart! you can’t hide anything from that man lol. Plus the mc describes him as a a good person even in hideyoshi’s route, which I respect. (ugh the devs knew he would be too powerful with a route) but, I didn’t like that after you finish a route, your intimacy is completely reset. like :(( it disheartens me in playing a little because it takes days to build up grace, and im not about to go scouring on those offer pages, because i’m not willing to put myself through that again after dangerous fellows. the formatting is a little wack too, but it’s still nice and something to look past, since the game is pretty great otherwise, and it’s a little older. I love almost all of the characters, (the ones I don’t are for personal reasons, not because they’re bad characters or anything) and I don’t think its cringey at all! it’s honestly a great game altogether. 

my rating: 9/10

Ikemen Revolution:

routes: fenrir, edgar, ray, kyle, sirius, lancelot, luka, jonah, loki, and zero (all, idk if I forgot one lol)

my favourite: every time I see edgar my heart goes boom!! I started playing his route literally like a week ago and god, this boy deserves the world. I love his gentlemanly personality and his habit of joking around and giving vague statements or warnings when in reality, he’s very sweet and kind. you’ll never know what he’s thinking, and I love that I constantly have the chance to surprise him when no one else ever does. though, I really love my boy Kyle at the same time. he’s a real one 😤 I really like how the devs handled the Alice in wonderland concept! I’ve seen that go wrong a few times, so this was refreshing. again, with the ikemen games, they’re never really fast paced or cringey in the way some other games are. it takes the mc usually at least 13 chapters to even admit to themselves that they’re crushing on the guy, which I like. it’s more realistic then, say, the nightmare harlem (see other review). also the plot design, the character depth, uGh, as a writer, don’t even get me STARTED. it’s all amazing. and!! the intimacy doesn’t reset, so I can basically just blaze through all of the intimacy checks right away. The only thing I maybe don’t like about this game is about how long it takes to complete one route. it may take you a shorter amount of time to pay, but I always play free

my rating: 9 or 10/10

Mystic Code:

routes: cold case, lost case, happy ending: case closed, wrong suspect (2), true ending

my favourite: this technically isn’t an otome game. I admittedly didn’t really like this game as much as I liked dangerous fellows, but it was still really good! I just thought dangerous fellows’s story was a little better, and there’s obviously the added bonus of being able to romance any of the main characters. You couldn’t romance any of the characters in mystic code, and while the story made up for that a lot, I was still a little disappointed. Plus, romancing the characters could‘ve really made for a more complex storyline.. 👀 I won’t give any spoilers,, but the story really did make up for it for the most part. but, I guarantee you that if you could play routes, I’d choose eliot. he’s got that confident and playful but serious and smart personality I fall into every time, and I would’ve liked to get a chance to see more sides to that.

my rating: 8/10

Love and Producer (Mr Love: Queen’s Choice):

routes: — 

my favourite: ohoho do I have a story about this one. i was going through pinterest one day a few weeks ago when I came across this picture. and idk, something about it had me starstruck, so I looked for what the image was from and found out that it was from a chinese otome game! at the time, I didn’t know that there was an english version out, so I was really disappointed when I found out I couldn’t play it. but!! through a dangerous fellows account I follow on instagram, I downloaded this game by chance and realised it was the same game under a different name. now, I was completely right to be starstruck, because I love Gavin, he’s amazing! He and the mc were classmates in high school, and they have this ~thing~ that happened in the past that’s vaguely talked about, which is a moment with the wind and ginkgo leaves (which is super nice and romantic af, since he has a wind evol) and I think there’s other parts, but I won’t give away any more spoilers that aren’t obvious and/or easily accessible. the only thing I maybe have wrong with this games that the cliffhangers it can leave you off on before it tells you to level up more are emotionally shattering, and the karma levels/movie shootings are a little annoying, but they’re easily fixable and easy to pass if you snoop around the game a little and figure out how it works. I also really like how though there are no technical routes, each “romance” with the other the guys is completely plausible and any could be endgame easily.

(+ damn, Gavin’s one main line ‘as long as you’re in the wind, I’ll find you.’ is really nice and romantic to me also, since there’s another line from a book I love that’s “I’ll be your map. Where you go, I go.” but idk maybe i’m just biased)

my rating: 9/10

The Princess Closet:

route: reo

my favourite: honestly, I hated this game, so I didn’t really have a favourite. It sounds dramatic, but it’s really true. I was snooping through the App Store one night around midnight looking for a new otome game, and I stumbled upon this one with pretty great reviews. So I, the otome hoe that I am, was like ‘okay fuck it’ and downloaded it. Basically, the game’s storyline is this guy comes up to you and is like ‘you’re my princess, I finally found you’ and the mc is like ‘wtf are you talking about’ but is flattered and sorta curious so she goes back to his studio where she agrees to become a model. like?? girl what?? he could’ve taken you into a back alley and killed you, but she didn’t care. then, in the first chapter, she does her first modelling job then the main guy (reo, also the fashion designer) comes up to her, basically pins her against the wall and is like ‘I knew you were perfect, but I didn’t imagine this. Now, since I always get what I want, I’ll have to make you mine because I’ve taken interest in you.” like,, okay bro. I deleted the app after that. if you like that kind of stuff, that’s fine, but it seems too outright and cringe to me. plus, this isn’t really relevant but I didn’t really like the formatting.

my rating: 0/10

Ikemen Vampire:

route: Napoleon, Arthur, Leonardo, Mozart, Vincent (double clear for both Arthur and Napoleon!)

my favourite: oh my god, this game finally came out with an English version and I’m so excited! I barely knew anything about this game before this morning, but it’s seriously good. I was sceptical in downloading it at first though, because vampire related things usually come out in a fashion similar to something like diabolik lovers, but this blew my expectations out of the water. the writing is amazing, and had me literally stopping between moments and being all nerdy about it. plus, all of the characters are based on real people of history, and I like that part. It’s a really cool idea. but the best part!! all of the characters are more or less like normal people. I’m not sure if that exactly makes sense, but it’s relief to me. I’m also really thrilled about some of the stories in the game. like, bonaparte is a half vampire?? nice, I wanna know more! you have to be da vinci’s fake lover?? coolio. but, I’m kinda bummed that there aren’t more routes out. Issac Newton, Napoleon Bonaparte, Arthur Conan Doyle, and Theodorus Van Gogh are definitely my favourites,(Theo is best boy 😤✊🏻) and I would’ve liked to play other routes too, but that’s totally good, because games are hard work. 

my rating: 10/10

THE NIFLHEIM+:

route: Leo

my favourite: I gotta say, this wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. And that’s surprising, since this is a shall we date game. The storyline was pretty good, sorta like sleeping beauty with a twist, and while it was really cringey at some parts, it wasn’t too overbearing in my opinion. There’s a variety of characters to romance, and while they all have pretty stereotypical personalities in some way, it was still somewhat enjoyable to play. Though, I didn’t finish the game because I didn’t like the route I was playing, the way it was set up or the ticket system was kinda weird (one every 4 hours. you could log in once every month and it would say ‘welcome to your fourth day!’ even if it’s been four months in reality) if I did another route, though, it would probably be Nick, because his route seemed fun from the preview. 

my rating: 3 or 4/10

Nightmare Harlem:

route: oswald

my favourite: honestly, my favourite was still Oswald. (though it’s a close second to Lucas, who never entered the room in any way other than the window) he was a sweet bean and didn’t deserve any of the shit any of the other suitors gave him. now that I think about it, the plot is creepily similar to ikemen vampire’s. the mc is walking home one night when a portal opens up under a red moon that takes her to a mansion full of vampires! but, maybe that’s just an overused plot. this is from the same company as princess closet, but I think it’s a little better. don’t get me wrong, though, it was still cringe to the max. the mc insisted on helping with work around the mansion exchange for letting her stay there until that portal opened again (hello ikemen??) and the main guy was like ‘pfft sure’ and that’s where she met oswald, the gardener.  but, the main thing that turned me off of this game was how fast the romance came. she spent a day outside with him, talking about whatever, then decided she liked the time she was with him and was disheartened when he had to leave. you know, totally not like any kind of normal friendly relationship at all. and after that she was like ‘oh shit what’s this feeling in my chest’ when she saw him at dinner. like, I get the quick crush thing but she’s all like “am I falling in love??/?” and to make it BETTER the next day he’s like ‘oh shit what’s this feeling in my chest’ after, again, spending a day with her and doing nothing more but exchanging smiles otherwise. and the other guys are in on it instantly too! one of them even tries to set them up! and I just- I couldn’t take it seriously after a while.

my rating: 3/10

Ayakashi: romance reborn:

route: Koga

my favourite: honestly, how to choose?? At first, I really liked Ginnojo and Toichiro, but after playing for a bit, Koga and his stupid dice swept me off my feet. I’m only at chapter 20 since I started playing a few days ago, but I can already tell that koga is very friendly and jokes around a lot, and the moment she ever has a problem he’s there to help her. he’s an oni ogre ayakashi, and I also think that’s super cool tbh. the game itself is sort of like mr love queen’s choice in the way that you get cards and have to level them up and that corresponds to how well you do in the game, but there are more romance aspects to this game than mlqc. after you finish book one (comprised of 50 chapters) it branches off into the 4 routes that are available to play. (Koga the oni ogre ayakashi, Kuya the tengu ayakashi, Ginnojo the Mizuchi dragon ayakashi, and Aoi the satori seer) I think it’s a really interesting and fun game, but I don’t like that the only way you can get keys to play the main chapters is through patrols, which can get repetitive, especially when you can only play the same 5 or so locations before the lp cost is more. 

my rating: 9/10

Honey Magazine:

game/route: wanted: son in law // taiga takajo

my favourite: I should really change this label ^^. Honey magasine is an otome app that’s comprised of many stories that you can play at once. honestly, I didn’t have high hopes for this one based on the look of it, but I was pleasantly surprised. I am super super super super picky when it comes to otome games, but this one genuinely could’ve been worse. in the story I played, a journalist was invited to her billionaire grandfather’s estate to pick out a fiancé, but that was unbeknownst to her, seeing as this was the first time she’d talked to her grandfather since she was 5 years old. she went through the whole night meeting these different guys before she had to choose one the next day. I didn’t like this part because I probably got one interaction with each character max, and really didn’t get to go very deep into any of them. in the end, I chose Taiga, the heir to a fortune and the CEO of his own company at the ripe age of his early 20-somethings. honestly I only picked him because he kinda looks like Yuta from nct and since I didn’t really like any of the others, I had nothing to lose lol. He’s emotionless and very cold but subtly caring, and this drives the mc crazy as he claims that he’ll just parade around with her if he needs to and act in front of other people. she promises that she’ll make him fall in love with her, and well, the rest is history. I won’t get into his route much, but, I think it’s about what you would expect from a situation like this, not that it would ever happen. it’s not terrible, and I think that if someone had paid a little more attention to it it could’ve been great, not just okay.

my rating: 4/10

Twilight School:

route: Wade

my favourite: this game was actually recommended to me by a follower, and honestly, I do really like it. but, it’s a good thing that I liked Wade, because I’m not the biggest fan of either Rylan or Hogan. I’ve never liked the idea of werewolves, and Rylan is just the epitome of twilight meets vampire diaries to me. (even though neither of them really have to do with werewolves lol) and, hogan, idk. he’s got a nice personality, but I’m not really interested in him beyond that. Wade reminds me of Eugene, to be honest. that’s not why I like him, but I just thought I should get the observation out there. what I don’t like about this game is the gem system. yes, I wanted to kiss wade’s hand when he was sitting next to me after I woke up from being sick, but could I?? no. and I’m still disappointed about it, thank you very much. I also don’t really like the scene where they all fight over her in front of her. like, uh, can I get a waffle?? can I PLEASE get a waffle? but overall yes! it’s a very good game and I love the storyline and mystery. 

Samurai Love Ballad Party:

route: yukimura sanada

my favourite: (i keep mixing up the name smh) is every yukimura character an absolute sweetheart?? because it sure seems like it. I found out about this game though a discord server I’m in, and honestly, from the looks of it, my expectations were low. Format is a big part of an otome game, and this one is obviously old, and that kind of dimmed my likeness a bit. But, the story is really fun. Kinda cringey, but still fun. I had no idea it was also in the sengoku era, so that was a fun surprise. I played the prologue laughing and joking around the entire time, and it was honestly really fun. i knew I liked yukimura from the moment he appeared, and chose his route immediately when I could. One thing though, this doesn’t bother me, I just think it’s kinda funny, is that the choices you make actually determine a good or bad ending rather than the romantic or dramatic I’m used to. So, seeing that ‘you could’ve chosen better...’ message after a chapter is always refreshing lol. (I get those a lot because I literally have 2 brain cells 🗿)

overall rating: 6/10

Obey me!:

route: — 

favourites: THIS IS A SHALL WE DATE GAME?? it blows my mind, because I absolutely love this game but normally hate swd games (see lost island for reference lmao) the format is cute and modern and easy to navigate, but isn’t in your face bright and not too bland either. there’s a lot of options to go for, like the random calls and messages you get throughout the day plus the person you want to choose from majolish and display on the home screen has little things to say to you ever 15 seconds or so. the ap/stamina system is similar to ayakashi, so it was refreshing to already know how to deal with that, and I do like how while it goes fast, it doesn’t take much to regen. The actual story function is similar to that of mlqc, though, with the mission and then story part. There are no actual routes in the game as of right now, but the game is still being updated, so there might be in the future when the storyline is complete! I really hope there is, because I totally wanna do some of their routes like 😳 My favourite at first was Mammon, because from the get-go he’s the energetic dumbass that’s always by your side like fenrir and I just appreciated that, especially when I didn’t know any of the other characters yet. but then I actually got into the game more and while I still do like mammon, it’s a bit less and I do have some new favourites now. first off is Lucifer, who I really was neutral with most of the time (which shouldn’t have been the case considering he threatened/tried to kill the mc at least twice lmao) but yeah, sometime along the way I went from 😶😶😶 to 🥰🥰🥰 and that was that. Second is probably either Satan or Belphegor because they’re just both adorable and I like belphegor’s voice and sense of humour and satan’s love for books and considerate personality

favourite: Lucifer

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CURRENTLY PLAYING: mr love queen’s choice, ikemen sengoku (mitsunari), obey me! 

[bouncetothenextdick]

Ive decided that im allowed to think about whatever I fucking think about and I'm gonna stop trying to censor my own thoughts because it doesn't even work in the first place lmao. So anyway, I was thinking about my ex friend and how the months before we "broke up" we were both kinda annoyed with eachother over little things here and there and I kept trying to bring it up because I heard ur supposed to communicate or whatever LMAO. I would just be like, very casually, " soooo we haven't been getting along recently huh" and she'd be like idk I guess and I'd be like ok lmao, truly a+ deep conversations. Like I'm thinking the issue was that we were in university and she was in health sci and took it super seriously because she's one of those smart people that actually work hard and do well and here I was in my little intro psych courses, not really giving a fuck as was my normal school mode at this point, already starting to feel lost and on the verge of depressed/ maybe already depressed who fucking knows. So anyway, she was stressed about the work load, which like fair enough, but it made me feel neglected during a period where I was already quite fragile and sensitive, which I think made me cling harder and that just added to the tension. Then when I finally put it into words(LIT RALLY in the tags of a tumblr post, which is still really fucking funny to me that I lost a friend over a fight on tumblr lmao) I guess it made her feel attacked instead of getting across the fact that I felt a little hurt by her "ignoring" me (aka not texting me, not even noticing that I wasn't texting her, not trying to see me or hang out or even take the bus together lmao etc etc, basically not putting effort into the friendship) so she got mad at me, chewed me out a little while I was like wtf are we really fighting over this right now???? Fine then, you wanna fight then we're fucking fighting and then I never spoke to her again. So idk, like I acknowledge the things I did wrong, like not giving her space or communicating my feelings in a way that didn't make her feel attacked (although honestly I don't think I said it that harshly, I would have downplayed it and made it seem like a joke HOWEVER I could have explained myself more), but I think looking back there is only so much I could have done. I think maybe letting go of that relationship was actually a healthy thing to do????? Idk tell me if I'm wrong but I think if I was feeling neglected and like the only one trying, it wouldnt be fair to keep myself in that relationship. Obviously just never speaking again probably wasn't the right move since neither of us got closure and seeing her afterwards was super fucking weird and awkward but like??? Idk man