#idk idk still not satisfied but yeah
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The Vees struggling to deal most with the days Vox is afraid is something so heartbreaking.
The Vox they knew was never afraid, at least not in such an obvious, vulnerable way, not the way a child hiding under the covers is afraid.
Valentino in particular struggles to deal with seeing him that way. It’d be so easy to snap his neck, go to his room, retrieve a gun, dig for one of the few angelic bullets he’d scrounged up and put an end to this whole pathetic charade.
He never does it though, instead he’ll continue playing out the ill-fitting role of a caretaker role for as long as it takes. As long as what takes? He doesn’t know.
All overlords build their empires by constantly projecting strength and invulnerability. Hell's already a place where you learn very quickly that you can't show weakness for even a second, lest someone take advantage of you, and overlords are the sinners who took that lesson most to heart. Val was already someone who couldn't stand being "weak" when he arrived; the idea of not exploiting weakness in others is so utterly foreign to him that he can't understand why he keeps choosing not to take advantage of Vox's vulnerability in some way.
Velvette's in a bizarre situation because she's so young by Hell's standards. She's fully committed to the idea that you've always got to be the toughest, most ruthless person in any room you enter– something she learned from Vox himself��� but she's still got some niggling bits of humanity left in her that older sinners have long since left behind. She feels compassion for Vox, then gets angry at herself for being compassionate, then tries to rationalize why being kind to him is okay but she should still treat everyone else who's vulnerable like scum– and it just goes on like that.
How do you make sense of the urge to be kind when you've built your entire identity around being as cruel as possible in order to stay on top?
#i feel like i didn't explain velvette's side of things very well?#she thinks about vox's situation in human terms is what i mean#while val has been in hell 50 years and doesn't feel connected to humanity at all anymore#and velvette wishes desperately that she could hurry up and get to that point already too#but now they're in a situation where she *can't* distance herself in the way she usually does#meanwhile val is distanced by default and doesn't understand the times when he feels otherwise (like right now)#idk idk still not satisfied but yeah#i sound like a velvette apologist even though i'm really trying not to be#might come back to this later when i can describe my thoughts a little better#randomly accessed memories (RAM)#redlady speaks
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this is one of my favourite beastars scenes ever and i can't wait to see it animated in season 3... it's so cool to see how violent, almost sadistic legosi can be when it comes to protecting herbivores.
i think a lot of people characterize legosi as this shy sweet soft boy who never wants trouble, and while it's not completely inaccurate, i think it's missing on an important aspect of his character. how passionate he can get about herbivores, because he loves them, because he's attracted to them, because he longs for them but also wants to live alongside them.
as well as this scene in the hospital where seeing louis again makes legosi realise how he's not a picture-perfect hero who cares about "justice" and only fights because he has a fetish for herbivores. it just reiterates what kind of character and protagonist he is. and like louis says—it doesn't detract from his heroism or make him a worse person. it's still alright to call it justice, because your fetishes are still a part of who you are.
i love it so much. legosi is such a sweet and kind-hearted person but he can also be like this because of his own "pervertedness". and i can't wait to see how the show will animate it (and hope to god they don't ruin it >_<)
#legosi#louis#beastars#lougosi#legoshi#lougoshi#i seriously can't wait for s3...#i'm worried of course because idk how they're going to fit All That into one season#but i'm trying to have high hopes.#plus it's a two-part season so that'll probably help#the previous seasons weren't perfect but they were still good so if it continues at this quality i'll be satisfied.#but yeah. this scene. it's a small one but one of my favourite moments#that i always go back to reread
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The Fourteen Hidden or "Bug" Audios In Order, With Reasoning
(i think! I'm fairly confident in this! I'm willing to Debate!)
12-14 / Howdy & Barnaby
[we know that Barnaby and Wally go to Howdy's every morning]
8-14 / Eddie & Frank
[the post office is right across from Howdy's]
6-14 / Julie & Frank
[Wally isn't scared of bugs, so he could be recruited to help with Frank's gardening problem]
1-14 / Howdy & Poppy
[Howdy mentions that he has a shipment waiting for his signature]
3-14 / Howdy & Sally
[it's possible that Wally went to Howdy's to get something for the beetles]
13-14 / Howdy & Eddie
[it looks like Wally just bought a box of apples, or something similar. Howdy signs for the shipment]
4-14 / Barnaby & Frank
[behind the pins, it looks like there's an apple or two on the ground. the shape and color is wrong for it to be tomatoes. an offering for the beetles?]
9-14 / Frank & Poppy
[the table is clear of yarn, and Frank references the damage done to his garden]
2-14 / Sally & Poppy
[there are cookies - Poppy mentioned to Frank that she might have a non-seed recipe for his butterflies]
10-14 / Julie & Sally
[Wally could have gone with Sally to help with the script reading]
5-14 / Barnaby & Eddie
[Eddie mentions that it's late in the day, and he already delivered the bowling balls]
7-14 / Eddie & Julie
[Barnaby calls, asking after Wally]
11-14 / Julie & Barnaby
[the lighting through the trees looks like afternoon/evening]
14-14 / Barnaby & Home
[the end deterioration is very final, and Barnaby references things that happened throughout his other audios]
#why yes i Did give myself a headache going through the mental gymnastics trying to make this cohesive#time to go take some tylenol! if im not immune to it yet that is!#dont make me go back to ibuprofen... it nearly gave me an ulcer on my stomach lining...#i also need everyone to know that i had 10 hour wii music playing while doing this#ANYWAY YEAH THIS HAS BEEN BUGGING ME FOR#uh. how long has it been since these audios dropped#SINCE THEN!!!#im still not entirely satisfied since some of the audios are just... so hard to place!#like some of them have indications - eddie saying its late in the day. howdy having a shipment waiting. the damage to the garden. etc#but some are just.... they could be anywhere#so i tried to follow a nonexistent through line#of 'hm. wally is with this person in this place so where would he end up next'#bc a neighbor might be like While You're Here! and thus two or so consecutive audios with the same neighbor#cause. he's already there. he might stick around or go along with them to do something else#yk. they just trade him off neighbor to neighbor#GAH IDK IDK IM NOT SATISFIED!!!#i feel like i have chunks that are Correct but agh. idk idk idk#homebogging#wh speculation#welcome home speculation#i think this counts as that!#the barnaby & eddie one - 5-14 - is whats tripping me up the most#and i think is the main thing keeping me deeply unsatisfied#cause eddie says its late in the day. so it must be near the end of the day's timeline#he already delivered the bowling balls and just aghggggg#biting biting biting-#no that one and eddie & julie - 7-14#THE BARNABY PHONE CALL IS IMPORTANT TO PUTTING THESE IN ORDER I JUST KNOW IT#is it the first one??? like barn calls around to find wally for their morning walk? or does the howdy-barn audio come later#since they're having drinks instead of hot dogs? but they could have finished their hot dogs and stuck around for drinks-
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My lyrics for Double!! I really loved this song and became like a thousand times more impressed by Deco27 and Natsuki Hanae after working with it for so long 😅 I chickened out of recording this one in the apartment but if anyone wants to cover it... lmk.... 👀 I can definitely put something together to help hear how the rhythms work, because I got it all to line up very nicely! (Lyrics under the cut and my little commentary in the tags)
(I’ve got you, leave it to me!)
Welcome home, it's another day, keeping things at bay, you see no change
Not a smile in this mess, you're doing your best, you say (wake up)
"Don't need a break" as you proceed to start breaking, both sleeping and waking makes you bleed
And now, reborn anew -- I'll take in on for you
Not your plan? Who gives a damn, I'm here and here is where I'll stay
It's just the two of us, nothing left to run from. You're safe now, your hero's come.
All I did was dream, is that a crime? Is that enough to name me guilty by?
"He can't be trusted, he lied," you cried. Made me out as the bad guy. But why?
Ah, I'm the one that saved you, don't you see? So tell me why the hell you cry to me!
Let me hear you revel, grateful, cling to me with "savior," "adore" -- oh, sing to me.
Welcome home, it's another day, keeping things at bay, you see no change
Too late, your limits passed. Too late, yourself has cracked (goodnight)
If you persist I'll assist with releasing, keeping your peace is why I exist
And now reborn anew -- I'll take it on for you
(Oh, hello? Mom? It’s been a while. Yeah.. well, I mean, some days are hard but I’m doing alright, don’t worry. How’ve you been? I’ll go home next time I get some time off...)
The reason I'm alive, must be making sure that you survive
"He can't be trusted, he lied," you cried. Made me out as the bad guy. But why?
All I did was dream, did you forget? Go on and forgive me, I'm no threat.
Listen to me confess, honest. Eat your words and I bet, regret
Ah, I just tried to help, tried to be strong. So tell me why the hell it's all gone wrong
Let me hear you revel, grateful, cling to me with "savior," "adore" -- don't sing me this song
Lost my memory
I'm double, it was unavoidable
Living painfully
I'm trying, as hard as possible
Tell me, tell me.
If I wasn't born, maybe this trouble --
Tell me, tell me.
It's all my fault
#milgram#mikoto kayano#lyrics#i feel bad it cut in front of the other milgram songs but it was a lot easier than the others#(not that it was easy by any means but the other ones are giving me even more trouble asdfsdf)#but yeah!!! im so happy with these!!!#i will forever be jealous of the rhyming in the original refrain --#nante itte/natte nande/datte sugatte/utatte tatte IS SO WONDERFULLY SATISFYING#it makes me crazyyyyyy#i know i dont get half that fun in mine but im still really satisfying with the rhymes/phrasing#wtf is going on in the rest of the song 😭 i came for the incredible refrain and had to deal with all That......#the 'dont need a break' and 'if you persist' lines gave me so much trouble 😭 he just keeps on going.....#i took a bit of a liberty with the 'sing to me' line because every version of 'thatd be good' sounded so lame 😅#trying to do some kind of play on sing your sins while its john really wanting to communicate but idk if that worked#an unintended but exciting detail is 'you say' sounding like 'you say wake up' rather than 'you say dont need a break'#since thats right when he wakes john up so to speak#any milgram pals who want to sing -- these are always open to use >:3
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now that artfight is over i can take some time to properly design them before i make new refs
#null havoc damage#ultraman showtime#allegro and lyle are basically done i think. i just gave allegro his arm fins back#i took them off at one point but after remembering that belial and geed have them im putting em back on#i still think lyle looks too simple but then again whenever i try to draw a showa ultra i go 'this is too simple'#so im leaving him as he is .#i adapted zero darkness' markings for zstar this time and i like it a lot i think the lightning bolt esc patterns look super cool#marize also looks too simple but alas... i dont want to overdesign her either#im also not sure i like the shade of pink i picked for her metal i might mess with her colors more#but i like the idea of her metallic bits being iridescent bc she looks like a fish#i did not attempt to do that in the shading though . which may be why it looks bad#idk. my power is flickering so im too scared to draw on my pc so ipad doodles are happening instead#i also dont know why i gave zstar that stupid ass smirk i just drew it on her and was like yeah ok#I DIDNT MEAN TO MAKE THE BOYS MATTE AND THE GIRLS SHINY. THATS JUST HOW IT SHOOK OUT#allegro could be shiny but when i tried to make him shiny it looked weird. might try again later#i think i just need to do a bunch of iterations with marize and then pick one and make myself be satisfied with it#or else im going to mess with her design for weeks on end. sorry mari
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So I don't know if it was ever revealed how Duncan felt when we killed Malistaire all three times but I'm wondering if maybe some part of him could hate us for that too. Like you hear that and you go "but why. Malistaire was terrible and even Duncan knew that(?). Why would he hate you for getting rid of him."
But like I think it's so....... interesting in a very, very, very sad way how Duncan so easily latches onto anyone who directly feeds into his delusions of grandeur. And that's no fault of his own that he was manipulated by the nasty Schism but when you think about how desperately clung to the idea that Malistaire, easily one of the greatest necromancers any of us had ever heard of (at that time), somehow actually recognized Duncan's talents (even when canon supports that Duncan wasn't all that talented, at least no more than the next necromancer) and then praised him for it so often that Duncan believed that he would be the next Death Professor is. I mean ☹️
So like with that mindset I unfortunately feel like it would be quite easy to twist even Malistaire's death as something that's horrible and awful and all our fault. ESPECIALLY if the Schism was feeding into Duncan's already broken mind and shattered ego and was constantly telling him that everything bad that ever happened to him ever in his life was Our Fault. That's like a realistic conclusion that someone like Duncan could come to
And like, at this point in time, are Malistaire's crimes even a factor in how he thinks????? Was Duncan ever able to separate Malistaire's talent and skills and prowess from the terrible and awful things he did? If Duncan wasn't able to consciously tell that distinction in the first place I can't imagine it would be any better during the years he was being manipulated and isolated and lied to
Like in Duncan's mind it probably isn't, "maybe I shouldn't idolize a national criminal, or idolize anyone at all for that matter, and aspire to be like someone so harmful when I can recognize my own talent and build from there" it's probably more like, "you (the wizard) permanently got rid of a brilliant mind, an innocent person who just made a few mistakes, and someone who believed in me no matter what just so that you could be the better than me and loved by everyone else" and that's! very sad actually!
#this is all speculation btw idk if any of this is canon. how duncan feels about all this#i know i keep saying the exact same shit over and over but.... really not a fan of how the game handled duncan! sorry!#i know wizard101 isnt supposed to be about every single character gets a satisfying ending to their arc-#-meaning not everyone in the story will face consequences and/or find a happy ending and like thats fine they dont need to#but idkkkk its just imo really sad how essentially a kid suffers frrom something he cant control by himself (his ego)-#and then instead of getting help he is instead ignored (ambrose) and then manipulated and brought up by a cult#and then when it becomes super apparent how... TERRIBLE his life really is and we defeat him he just... goes back??????#we.... we LET him go back???? i mean we're not responsible for other people's bad decisions or mental health but bro....#and then when we tell ambrose he's just like “oh. too bad. well anyways-” AND IM LIKE WELL THATS THE REASON!!!!! NO WONDER HE'S FUCKED UP#NONE OF THIS IS ADDRESSED. NONE OF IT. WE KICK DUNCAN'S ASS AND THEN HE.... GOES BACK TO THE CABAL#i literally just got so desolate when (wallaru spoilers) because. okay. all that for nothing i guess#this isnt me being mad btw LMAO i know the tone probably reads as angry but im not im just disappointed#and tired. what is it with wizard101 in particular and just people suffering with no end. (me as i make my main suffer with no end)#but anyways yeah duncan has been in my head for a while. he's one of the guys that i love a lot BDKSNSKAJ#he's like a son to me and HE NEEDS A HEALTHY PARENT. HE NEEDS IT#not excusing his actions btw. he still committed crimes JRKDJSIEJ#i just have a soft spot for those villains in media who are doomed from the start yknow. (stares tearfully at morganthe and gf spider)#wizard101#wiz101#w101#text posts#duncan grimwater#im not normal about duncan at all he's probably the wozard oc i feel for the most other than malorn and us
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Not feeling great abt some of my creative endeavors rn
#ramblings#neg#specifically abt project: new moon#i can feel myself actively losing interest in continuing to write for it#like the main story is already out there and that's fine#but even tho i have ideas for oneshots and stuff to introduce more characters (like those redesigns for rouge and shadow i did a while ago)#it just. doesn't feel worth continuing. idk why#i guess it might be the lack of interest for my writing in general#or maybe project: new moon just. isn't that great#which is fine the point of the project was to do it for fun not to make something objectively good#but ig i'm just. not feeling it anymore? i don't feel satisfied with it like i did when i finished writing it#i still love my ocs and the redesigns i did of canon characters for it#and i'm glad i got the story i've had in my head since i was like 12 out there. even if it's very different from how i first envisioned it#but. i really just wanna put it to rest#i really don't feel like i can promise any more writing for it. not like anybody cared abt it anyway besides like 3-4 ppl + myself#idk man i wanna move on from it. i have other stuff i wanna write that i feel guilty for not doing#bc i'd said i'd write more for project: new moon and still haven't#i think i'd be happier if i let the fanfic go and just draw my ocs and my redesigns when i feel like it#without worrying abt the fic anymore#bc frankly ever since writing the epilogue my heart just didn't feel like it was in it#thinking abt it felt like a chore more than anything. so maybe it'd be for the best to just leave it as it is#that comic i said i'd write is still happening tho i still really wanna do it#but that's different from writing fanfic so#anyway. might turn the project: new moon blog into a general writing blog#if i finish the corrupted au fic i'm currently working on. idk yet we'll see#but yeah. i know i shouldn't trust how i feel past 9 pm but I've been feeling this for a while now so whatever#i think i should've seen this coming in retrospect. pretty much everything i do that isn't just art never gets much traction anyway#can't say i'm really giving up on it considering it's TECHNICALLY complete#but the way things are going feels almost exactly like the rp and ask blogs i've tried to run in the past#idk man. i gotta stop thinking abt this before the vague feelings of inadequacy spiral into something worse. goodnight
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Tymbal (Septendecim AU)
Warnings: Body Horror, Suicidal Ideation, Use of a Gun.
Adam and Jonah make it back to HQ. They are not the only ones to do so.
1,538 words. Sequel to Exuvia.
"We're here," Adam's voice calls, startling Jonah out of his half-awake haze. The sun is just starting to peek over the horizon, washing the world in a dull blue light. They blink, everything coming back to them in a flash: Adam needs medical attention, badly, and Jonah needs to get him into the apartment.
They unbuckle their seatbelt, fumbling around with one hand until they hear a click as it releases, fighting until they are unrestrained by it. He leans forwards, bringing up a hand to claw at the car door until he finds the handle, yanking on it and toppling out of the backseat. Maybe they should have been a bit more graceful, the movement aggravates his headache, the dull ache rousing into a spike of pain as their head spins. They catch their balance, and brace both hands on their knees to keep steady, taking a moment to wait for the world to stand still. He heaves out a sigh, and straightens, using an arm to brace himself against the car as he trudges to the driver's side.
He almost does a double-take as he sees Adam's actual face through the reflections of the car window, but as they make their way over to the window, their own shadow obscures the light bouncing off of the glass, and he can once again see the grotesquely distorted image of his best friend. That is not him, that is not Adam. Adam is dead. He sighs, rubbing his temple with a wince. it was… disconcerting to see he was still hallucinating, but it was useful to know certain things could break the illusion.
They shake the musings off, they had more important things to worry about. They tug on the handle of the driver's side door, grimacing at the nagging pain that flares up in protest.
---
Adam does not want to get out of the car. If he gets out of the car, then he has to move its his disgusting body. If he gets out of the car, then he will have to tell Jonah the truth. Despite this, when Jonah opens the car door, he twists his body so he is facing the outside world, and tentatively paws at the ground with its his left leg. Although he had walked on it before, he's still surprised when it manages to hold his weight instead of buckling and sending him sprawling to the floor. The bones creak as they lock together, and the feeling of it sends shivers up his spine, but there is only a muted ache of discomfort rather than pain.
Jonah offers out an arm to Adam, who grasps it as he tries to haul his body up and out of the driver's seat fully, swinging his right leg forward.
He stumbles, and Jonah strengthens their grip, bringing their other arm to rest on Adam's back. The rest of its his right leg follows him like a revolting shadow, trailing on the asphalt as it he shuffles forward. Ever since he had woken up, it seemed his body could not decide whether he was in pain, completely numb, or in some sort of state of not-pain, but agony nonetheless. He grasps Jonah's arm and shoulder like a lifeline as they slam the car's door closed, then readjust to help Adam to the front door.
Each step to the apartment is its own circle of hell, and by the time Jonah is fishing the keys out of his pocket, it Adam wants to shove himself away from them and scream. It he cringes as the key turns in the lock, the sounds of it reminding him of bones breaking and distorting, slotting into places they shouldn't. He holds onto Jonah tighter. The door opens, swinging inwards, and Jonah beelines for the couch, heaving Adam towards it as its his limbs trip over themselves in an attempt to move. They finally reach it, and Adam simply lets itself himself fall forwards, collapsing on it face-first.
"Shit, man, be careful! You said you have broken bones, you can't just do that!" Jonah yelps, off-balance from the unexpected shift in weight.
"Jonah--," Adam starts, but is quickly cut off.
"I mean, seriously, i know you're probably exhausted but you have got to take better care of yourself. We can't go to a doctor, and I don't know anything about medical care! And unless Sarah has some secret medical degree, I don't think that we--"
"Jonah!" Adam shouts, a sharp jab of anger clouding his thoughts, before fading as quickly as it materialized. It he gives up on trying to get comfortable on the couch, slumping into the cushions.
"…Yeah?"
"…It doesn't even hurt. None of it does," Adam says, voice barely above a whisper. He isn't lying, the 'pain' that isn't really pain at all has stopped, if only for a moment.
Jonah seems to misconstrue the implications of Adam's statement, "Shit, okay, you must be in shock, just let me get Sarah's laptop and--"
"Jonah. We both know that's not true," Adam cuts in harshly. This has gone on for long enough, he can't keep pretending like this. He pauses, taking a breath to center himself, and asks the question he dreads knowing the answer to, "You… can see me, can't you?"
"…What do you mean?" Jonah asks, voice quiet. Adam sees through it, they know what he is asking.
"If this were a hallucination, then you wouldn't be able to see this too," Adam presses on, ignoring how sick the words make it him feel, "I know that you can see this."
Jonah shifts, looking away in discomfort. "I… I don't know what you're talking about. See what?"
"Jonah… what do i look like to you right now?" Adam inquires, already knowing the answer.
Jonah does not even look at him as he answers, "Normal. There's nothing wrong, you-you're fine."
"Jonah, look at me," Adam heaves out a dry laugh. "You're not even looking at me, and you want me to believe that? Just tell me the truth."
Jonah finally lifts his head to meet its his gaze, and Adam can now feel the slightest bit of fear in the air. Strangely, it is anxiety, not dread, and it is not directed towards him, but it wants it to be. It wants Jonah to be afraid of it. It shoves it down, but its own thoughts leave it feeling ill nonetheless. It does not deserve to pretend to be Adam Murray anymore, not after that.
Just as Jonah opens their mouth to respond, there is a click of a doorknob turning, and they both freeze, stiffening at the jarring sound, neither daring to make a noise. They both turn, slowly, to face the front door just as it begins to open with a strained creak. It swings outwards, revealing Sarah, hand on the doorknob and head turned downwards as she scuffs dirt and snow off her boots, not yet looking at either of them.
"Hey. Have either of you seen… my…" Sarah starts, and then trails off as she finally looks up, eyes unfocused until they land on Adam. She pauses, perplexed, trying to make sense of what she is seeing, the pieces not connecting into anything that makes sense. Until they finally snap into place, and she sees the full image in front of her. Adam can tell the moment she does, because it floods the entire room in a heavy miasma of dread.
"What the fuck is that!?" she croaks, her voice squeaking at the end, too terrified to even scream as she locks eyes with it. It almost leans towards her, to bask in the terror that radiates from her like rays from the sun, but it forces itself to stay still. It tells itself it does not want her fear, it may not be Adam, but it will not allow itself to stoop down to the level of a monster. It was still pathetically desperate to cling to its own non-existent humanity, after all. Such a shame.
"S-Sarah? Oh, wait- what?" Jonah starts, stops, starts again, and then seems to give up, head whipping back and forth between Sarah and Adam as if failing to keep up with a high-speed chase. It couldn't understand why, every moment seemed painfully drawn-out to it, making it process every detail, whether it wanted to or not.
Sarah jolts out of her stupor, and its eyes follow her hand as she reaches for something from her side with a frantic fervor.
Ah.
It knows what is going to happen before Sarah even rips her gun from the holster on her belt. It knows she never hesitates to pull the trigger, and it knows she will not hesitate this time, either. And as a flash of steel is leveled towards its head, it thinks that maybe it is better this way. Or maybe it is just a coward. It does not have time to ponder this, there is only a flash, a deafening sound it does not have time to process, and the world imploding in on itself into nothingness.
It thinks it may be screaming, but it cannot tell, because it does not exist anymore.
#remember when i said 'things get worse'. yeah. they still get worse LMAO#adam murray#jonah marshall#sarah heathcliff#the mandela catalogue#tmc septendecim au#tw: gun#tw: body horror#tw: suicidal ideation#ask to tag#im. so so so sorry for the cliffhanger. but also. not realy :3#im not as satisfied w this one bc it feels a bit. rushed ig? idk. but now i get to work on jonah and sarah povs ^^#also. not 100% sure how to tag this so. if u think i should tag something please let me know!!!
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My best attempt to explain my gender is like--
How Others Perceive Me*: Ms. Female Girl Woman (TM)
How I Perceive Myself: A mini goblin. A small trash panda. Little gremlin that lives in Hoodietown. Hunched over and playing Pokemon since birth. This creacher is not complex enough to have a Gender.
How I Wish To Be Perceived: Androgynous long-haired Fire Emblem character and/or vampire that makes you question your sexuality (regardless of what your sexuality is)
Hell let me just be completely honest, Alexander Stirling from the fucking Vampire Kisses manga has had all of my gender envy since I was 13 and then Byleth came around to destroy, me entirely**.
My gender, apparently:
*"Others" here meaning "strangers at first glance" and "coworkers," not people who have known me for years and actually make the effort to de-feminize me in their minds because they know I'm not comfortable with being "a girl".
**The fact that these two characters are both boys does not make me a transman. I do resent that every stranger I meet immediately clocks me as AFAB but I don't want to transition to being male and would be equally uncomfortable being clocked as AMAB by all randos in the supermarket.
#avalon rambles about gender#gpoy#personal#i struggle so much with my gender and presentation because like#I do genuinely enjoy being a smol cute little bean and dressing up femme#but I wish that I felt confident doing things other than that too?#I have some masc outfits I really like but even in those I am still...smol cute bean to most people who see me#like my husband can obviously tell i'm presenting as masc#but then i still get miss/maamed all day and i hate it#idk man there is just a special kind of disappointment that comes with putting an outfit together#and looking in the mirror and thinking 'yeah thats a hot guy'#and being satisfied#only for your first interaction of the day to kick off with 'Hi Miss!'#especially when you've made your wishes to NOT be called miss ABUNDANTLY CLEAR
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i heard karlachs monologue was rlly good but holy shit i genuinely dont think i'll be the same after that
#olive.txt#bg3 spoilers#spoilers in tags !!#samantha seriously deserves an award that was soul wrenching#i think back in interviews where they talked abt karlachs trauma and how she reverts into a scared child#the whole encounter w gortash was very much that#and he speaks down to her and calls her a brat#imagine saying ''what do you know about the greater good'' TO THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF GOOD#he doesnt care what he did to her at all but she does care!! he betrayed her and stole her future and there is no closure!#well i felt pretty satisfied i casted a dancing scroll on him and let karlach go to town *youre gonna go far kid plays in the distance*#her pain and anger is so understandable no one deserves this especially not her#the delivery of ''my heart. it was mine. and they took it'' is so incredibly natural and heartbreaking. this scene gave me actual heartburn#shes seemed pretty confident abt dying but i guess in her own words courage isnt fearlessness :(#ugh the part where she just wants you to tell her everything will be alright and that you can save her!!! so cruel larian!#for a character that lost their heart she sure as hell didnt lose her soul </3#''THANKS FOR LISTENING. FOR EXISTING. LOVE YOU.''#yeah was not prepared for what im guessing is the romantic version of her scene back at camp#idk why i thought they wouldnt address it but wow when she asks if youll stay w her when its her time to go. im in shambles#might take back some of my opinions abt her endings. its still cruel she doesnt get a Happy ending but its being handled rlly well so far
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my opinion on season 11 is that ian and mickey were all over the place from episode to episode and i ultimately wasn’t very happy with where it ended for them
#just felt kind of incomplete and boring in terms of their getting an apartment arc#like mickey was still genuinely very unhappy about it and they just left it like that?#and obviously i didn’t love how they did the terry stuff.#i think. there’s something to it because you can never truly predict how you’re gonna feel about something like that#even if it’s a piece of shit who you truly hate like. feelings happen.#and that could have been interesting to explore but it wasn’t done in a way that felt interesting#it just felt like a waste of time when we could’ve been doing other stuff with their screentime#and the beginning was so good i was having sooo much fun when ian was like yeah let’s steal an ambulance and yes we can have guns again.#let’s fuck in the ambulance. etc.#that was so hot and then they ruined it both in that scene that i wanted to SEE and with where they took the story after#like how quickly ian jumps back to ‘well we won’t do crimes then :)’ i thought he was having FUN doing crimes#like are they still doing their security shit? are they still working with stolen equipment?? i want them to do crimes :(#(when i lay it all out like that i’m like perhaps ‘ian being exited about doing crimes’ is not a Good Sign for him. but#it really wasn’t presented that way in context. like i don’t think that’s what they were going for there#and he can be doing better and still have fun doing stupid shit#a la their little outing before he got arrested by the military#yes that was like. 5 years earlier but i’m still like what happened to THAT ian he got boring#and i’m not saying like. him being healthy is boring. i’m saying let him be healthy and also have fun.#anyway.)#also like. signing a lease on the spot against mickeys wishes. kind of fucking impulsive and reckless. but no it’s bc he wants#to have a better life or whatever so it’s fine.#idk i just want to see them steal shit and fuck in an ambulance#and i mean like OVERALL ian has not been as much of a Crime Guy as others. certainly not compared to mickey#like he’s DONE crimes obviously but not in a. it’s his lifestyle way. i guess?#so idk why i’m like i want him to go BACK to that if that wasn’t exactly what he was doing in the first place#but he LIKES doing shady shit with mickey and having fun and idk why they bothered showing us that#if they were gonna drop it by the end of the season that i can only assume they knew would be the final season#it just felt like they didn’t know what to do with the two of them all season and they ended the season in a less satisfying place#than they started#r.txt
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I can't stress enough that. This upcoming event makes more sense when you consider RAD Weekend as not the end all of VBS's story or the thing that they are going for (especially because recent events make it clear they don't see it like that anymore) and rather... Something they HAVE to do. I have been all about how surpassing this event limits them and, yeah maybe I would have liked for them to have turned away from it entirely, but it is also a very important thing to all of them. Even when they have recognised that RAD Weekend isn't all they can do, they are still exceptionally stubborn kids that have said they would be doing this for a year. Of course they aren't going to let their dream stretch to its full potential until they get it done!!
Surpassing RAD Weekend isn't VBS's dream, rather it is a stepping stone towards what they truly want. It is quite literally the wall that keeps them from their true goal, a wall they had built around themselves that they are going to tear down.
#it is why they are doing it now. because at this point rad weekend isn't their end (maybe it never was and they just hadn't figured it out)#i do also believe that it is important that they get to grow past that event. and while i have my thoughts on how it has come about#we are getting at least another 2/3 years that explore what they will be doing after this event#the question around RW for me always was “what's next?”#so i am truly excited for what they will be doing next. and i am glad sekai is going to be exploring that#i don't think i would have been happy with RW being their end. since it leaves the question of what would they do after in the air#and that wouldn't be as satisfying#i also don't get the crowd saying this is throwing their development down the drain since. they aren't going away?#they're still going to have events they're still going to progress#if anything RW being done lets them develop more since. they may be beginning to relax now#idk i just. yeah#this is going to be my last post on the whole discourse bit of this event. from now on i'll just be throwing my thoughts out#when i can read the event itself
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they gave my favorite character a closed arc and wrote her out of the story 👍
#(about zero)#i dont mind the transformational character arc i think it fits but i do wish she retained some of her terseness and awkwardness#it was charming i dont think she needed to lose that in order to show how much shes grown…#pouting and kicking the dirt#it just feels like a way of saying ''yeah we are done with zero she has fulfilled her purpose. Back to being irrelevant with ye''#it worked better for meteion. felt more like she had fulfilled her purpose. her exit from the msq was graceful and satisfying#this feels significantly more clumsy. especially because the thirteenth still is nowhere close to being saved!?!?!?!?!#what was the point of all those parallels between zero n her world if you are just gonna drop em at the last second in favor of closing-#-her arc and wiping her clean of her unique character traits. What do they think you cant be a hero and also autistic?#Idk these are only my immediate thoughts and im aware they are influenced by my own biased feelings n opinions#im just smad#and im especially sad cuz i was enjoying it so much until literally the very end. i was 100% onboard with everything but then the ending-#-just had me like ''oh. thats it…?''#but i can forgive them for their transgressions against me if they make an awesome thirteenth expansion (threateningly)#edit: oh also for the record im not inherently against her being written out#id be sad about it either way but my Issue is that i think they dropped the ball on the execution#if they wanna close her book and put it on a shelf im fine with that. however if they wanna toss her book into the trash can and set it-#-ablaze Well i am less fine with that#edit edit: ok i Fully finished 6.5 and its so weird cuz everything else about 6.5 and its ending worked and was perfectly fine imo#but the way they handled zeros character arc ending…i cannot get behind that#my post#personal#ffxiv#endwalker spoilers
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Totk thoughts so far (SPOILERS sorry I'm on mobile and don't remember how to add a Read More)
I'm having a lot of fun!! The added game mechanics, new items, new map additions, new monsters... its all making for a great experience, and not just a carbon copy of BotW. The greater focus on characters and story is a huge bonus as well, I'm having a ton of fun with that.
That being said... the game seems really hesitant to reference the events of BotW in some ways? Like I understand leaning away from it in an effort to not be just another BotW, but like. No mention of the Divine Beasts? What happened to all the Ancient Sheikah tech? Mechanically, most of it has been replaced by the Zonai stuff, it seems, but where did it all go in the first place?
Maybe it is explained, and I just haven't come across it/gotten to that point, but in some ways, the lack of explanation seems very weird and makes parts of the story suffer for it.
Mind you I haven't delved extremely deep into the story yet, but its been bugging me the entire time. Like, this weird attempt at balancing it for "new players" (who is playing this without knowing at least the story of BotW...) and still being a direct sequel... idk. Maybe this is the attachment to BotW and its mechanics and story.
#ink thinks#totk spoilers#i've only just started on the Four Regional Phenomena with the Rito and I only have the first of the Dragon's Tears#so yeah. maybe i am missing stuff that will satisfy my questions.#but still. where the hell is all the ancient sheikah tech??? i know like. the towers and shrines had to be made obsolete#for game mechanic reasons so its New and Fresh and Not The Same. but what's the in lore fuckin reason???#like the rito are talking abt the Stormwind Arc and. them not comparing it to Vah Medoh or anything??#like that would be a logical jump in conclusions for me. idk.#i mean there's also how the sudden addition of a Zonai Research Team and Zonai this Zonai that feels weird#when it was barely referenced in BotW#like i said im not tooooo deep so its entirely possible i am missing a lot but ugh. man#maybe its just bc i miss revali WHDBSGAGACSFS
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yeah no okay i just finished s13 and i loved it, that was some good cinema
#i can't remember the last time i binged a whole season in one day but i just did that#yeah actually i do remember lol it was in 2014 and the show i was binging was doctor who#does all of the flux arc make sense?#absolutely not but nothing has ever made 100% sense on doctor who#and i love the potential this whole thing has#because if i'm being real i think the whole gallifrey is back and then destroyed again arc was getting a bit tiring#last season i still said idk what i think of the whole timeless child thing#but like i think it would be fun to make the next big thing the doctor finding out where they're really from#and i wouldnt mind if at the end of it whichever showrunner is writing it decides it was all a bluff and the doctor really is from gallifre#im easily satisfied like that#just give me something new#and the doctor at the end throwing her memories deep into the tardis and going#'put this where i can never find it... unless i really ask for it'#ooooooooooooooh#oh more afterthoughts just came to me#the whole self hatred and grieving the time war thing has also been going on since the 90s so#i'm glad we got a new Big Thing to focus on#anywayyyy man idk i just really liked it i have so much more to say but there are too many thoughts in my head#i can't sort them rn#maybe later
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I'm going to draw wktd fanart (to cope with a highly specific situation) while I still have the time for it (looming employment) and that is a promise to myself (I probably have something else I said I'd work on but whatever)
#I strt at the end of the month and I'm#I'm not even gonna say I'm scared I'm not I'm just not quite excited either? I'll pull through#and hopefully eat better and be able to buy fun things thaNK FUCK#however also taxes. I am not looking forward to taxes#like it's literally an ideal position if I don't manage it for whatever reason that'll be uh. something big for me to find out limits wise#but it's whatever I'm curious and I gotta try#and like I said god I'll be so happy to be able to afford hyper specific autism approved food that's gonna make everything so much easier#oh also the hyper specific situation? don't worry about it. just know I'm going to cry into whatever I draw for that game atm#I mentioned it in the post I made about it these days I literally skimmed through lines of one of the endings and immediately cried a single#Annoying tear. I feel like I don't cry about life things as much as would be healthy to and when I do I don't cry right#so I just get so annoyed at these sudden single tear moments when I'm not even putting effort into anything they just leak out#because something on a screen hit too close to home in an instant but I can't even properly Feel it because I'm focused on something else#and the thing in question has well been Acknowledged and rendered Irrelevant#it's not satisfying like crying for being engrossed on a story and/or characters and I absolutely hate how idk picturesque? it feels#people criticize drawing crying with a pretty single tear all the time it feels so fake and forced to fit the medium in a way that's still#appealing and consumable but I'm just a person with depersonalization issues. reverse derealization. everything's real except me#anyways I wasn't spiraling I will continue to not spiral about that at this moment but that's constantly there in my brain#and I'm going to draw the body horror lesbian polycule about it#Void fala aí#oh yeah I promised field sib content uh I can easily do that as a warm-up on a work day obviously pfft#''end of the month'' she's so pretentious you mean next week
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