#idk i may or may not have covid and i don’t have anything else to do except get stuck in my own head

[pepprs]

my mom isn’t letting my dad go back to his office bc him being out of the house stresses her out and makes her have a flare up and it’s like kind of insane. like i understand why the idea of him doing that would make her panicky and angry as someone who also struggles w separation anxiety and abandonment shit / has physical symptoms from that kind of stress (though not to the same degree ofc) but also he is a grown man. he should be allowed to go to his office and not have to shape his entire life around her needs. and she keeps guilt tripping him out of it and it’s impacting his quality of life a lot and the whole thing is kind of… hm

[ayliffe]

fairly often i see posts on here that i basically agree with, or at least make me genuinely consider why i might think or act in a particular way, but the way they’re written makes me roll my eyes so hard that i have no interest whatsoever in liking or reblogging them. these posts often read to me as sanctimonious, condescending, and/or outright hostile, so in my mind i’m perfectly justified in effectively ignoring them.

the problem, though, is that my criteria for deciding something is sanctimonious, condescending, and/or outright hostile are i think unusually —unhelpfully — sensitive, so it’s like, does op actually sound like a dick or have i just decided they intended to come across that way? are they actually talking down to their audience or have i just subconsciously latched onto that interpretation without any real proof?

perhaps it’s worth asking whether op’s intended tone even matters if i as a reader am interpreting it differently, but i don’t think that’s particularly fair on any given op when i know i tend to assume someone’s tone is more negative than others might, even if i don’t always realise i’m doing it.

so where do i go from there? it’s useful to be aware of (one of) my biases, but i don’t really know what to do with that. i can analyse someone’s word choices and try to come to a less emotionally fuelled conclusion about how they were trying to come across, but i still have the knee-jerk reaction of “jesus christ, the way this is written is insufferable”. do i just ignore that? does it merit me deciding not to share what could be a genuinely thoughtful point? or (most likely) am i overthinking it?

[specialagentartemis]

Would you be open to elaborating more on your statement “#Admittedly I fundamentally don’t believe that many forms of ADHD and many of the tumblr-acceptable forms of autism are materially distinct”? I haven’t heard someone else voice this sentiment, but I think I have similar feelings to you around this topic and I am curious how others have come to this conclusion as well.

Sure.

When I was eight years old, I was diagnosed with ADD—Attention Deficit Disorder. This is considered a related but separate and distinct thing from ADHD.

When I was a teenager, a new DSM came out. ADD was no longer considered a distinct thing. My diagnosis changed to ADHD-I: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Inattentive Type.

My brain didn’t change, but the professional perception of what was up with it did.

Is ADD materially different from ADHD? Can you have ADHD without hyperactivity? That used to be no, now it’s yes; answer the first question, that used to be yes, now it’s no.

I see very similar things between ADHD and autism. Lots of people do. Traits like the ability to fixate on an interest to the physical inability to pay attention to anything else; infodumping past the point other people lose interest; penchant for physical clumsiness and poor coordination; emotional dysregulation; proclivity to sensory overload; anxiety over not emoting correctly… they’re ADHD things and autism things. Is bouncing my leg an autism stim or an expression of ADHD hyperactivity? Or is it just fidgeting like people do sometimes? I dunno. Are they in fact materially different things?

Similar to ADD, Asperger’s Syndrome is no longer a thing. It’s subsumed under Autism Spectrum Disorder now. Is “high functioning” autism the same material thing as “low functioning” autism? Is “high functioning” autism the same thing as “ADD”? Idk. In some people I think it is.

Especially in mental disorders and neurodivergences, diagnoses aren't physical, material things. They're names given to commonly occurring collections of traits or symptoms. There's no virus that causes ADHD, no bacteria that can be isolated that causes autism. COVID is caused by the virus SARS-CoV-2; strep throat is caused by Streptococcus bacteria. They have symptoms, but they are primarily defined by their root cause. ADHD, autism, and plenty of other Brain Things do have neurochemical correlates - that is, there is an aspect of physical reality to them, you brain is wired a certain way - but it's not like ADHD is caused by the ADHD Virus and Autism is caused by the Autism Germ. They're names given to observable sets of traits, in order to figure out ways of treating and managing them. And I think drawing a sharp distinction between them - THIS is ADHD, and THIS is autism, and they're NOT THE SAME! - is pointless.

I like to use the xkcd color survey as an analogy for... well, a lot of things about the human experience and the way we classify it.

If you weren't around in 2010, xkcd's Randall Munroe asked the internet to help crowdsource the true names and boundaries of colors. You could sit down at the screen, colors would appear before you by random hexcode, and you typed in the name you'd call it. You could do this as many times with as many colors as you wanted. This was the resultant chart he made:

This shows the entirety of fully saturated RGB color space. Each pixel is a different hex code. Each pixel represents a different individual's brain.

I usually use this chart to talk about sexual orientation/queer identities. But it's also a great analogy for the categorizations being diagnoses.

If "Blue" is, say, ADHD, and "Purple" is Autism, you can image how one person's "purple" experience may be wildly different from another "purple" experience but very similar to a "blue" experience. But they're labelled differently, for various reasons. Maybe the doctor had recently seen a lot of blues, and this one seems more purple in comparison. Maybe the doctor has a really specific idea of what blue is, so this can't be blue, it must be purple. Which is not to say some blues aren't wildly different from some purples, that some purples match the platonic ideal image in your mind of what "purple" is more than others. There's still clearly a lot of overlap in blue and purple experiences.

That's kind of how I think about ADHD and autism.

And who knows, maybe I think this just because I am actually autistic. I've asked myself that, wondered that before. Am I? Or are these just ADHD symptoms that overlap? And honestly at this point the answer isn't super important to me. I know how my brain works and how to deal with it when it gets bad, and there's very little that pursuing a diagnosis would do for me at the point I'm at in my life.

But when I say that I suspect the two aren't as materially distinct as they're sometimes made out to be, this is what I mean.

[whyisstarkidfollowingmeshoo]

Speaking of that RENT show with Jeff Blim…

Jeff revealed they still owe him $1,000 for the job. It's nuts. It's crazy. Watch starting on 1:37:03 mark below.

A while ago, I posted on my main blog about another artist not getting paid fairly, but that was by a big corporate company. It reminded me that Jeff wasn’t paid for his role as Roger for a small independent theater company. Big or small, companies should pay their workers (contractual or not) fairly.

The company behind the RENT show — I may have their name wrong, tho — is called Cupcake Theater. I don’t know if Jeff will ever work for them again, but it's not like he was happy to mention that he hasn't been paid yet. That said, he did share that he was happy to perform in the musical after the whole COVID pandemic, and that in some way, it was kind of like payment.

Also, let me remind you that Jeff and Jon Matteson raised a lot of money on Twitch to continue the RENT show, so it’s wild that the company still hasn’t paid the artist who helped them keep it going. And honestly, a lot of people probably watched the show because of Jeff. The most viewed videos on LA TheatreSource’s YouTube channel features, you gueeeessseddd it!!!"

Also, they used videos of Jeff for marketing on IG. They knew he has a bigger fanbase than the others, so it’s verrrry contradictory that they didn’t pay him — especially since that kinda goes against the show’s message. Maybe. Kinda. I’ve only read the summary and watched bits of RENT, so yeah.

Jeff wasn’t mad or anything, maybe just disappointed, but it would be nice to hear that he finally got paid, even if it’s a delayed payment from back in 2022 or whenever. IDK. Like, what the fuck? Don’t scam your artists.

Anyway, I hope this doesn’t blow up into something negative (did not expect this to get so long either), because Jeff was pretty chill about it, despite still being owed $1,000. But maybe him being so nonchalant about it is part of the reason why he still hasn’t been paid. Or maybe he got tired of following them up about it and gave up and swore not to work with them again, and hopefully told other artists. But unfortunately Cupcake Theater is still pretty active.

Also yeah if anyone from Cupcake Studios is reading this, please pay Jeff or else (lol jk but srsly tho what the fuck. He said he hasn't been paid yet. What's your side of the story?)

Jeff Blim, you beautiful, stupid, scammed artist. You need that $1,000 for your coffee fund. It’s the only thing that makes you happy during your livestreams.

Anyway, here's Wonderwall.

[seyche]

hi hello and happy new year!

it’s been a hot minute since I logged in. I’m not here much at all any more, and I’ve barely been on Tumblr much at all in the past few months or really, in the past year. which I never thought would happen but I’m actually in my offline era now??? amazing. most of my time on this blog happened when I was unemployed and in covid lockdown, and now I have multiple jobs, another degree, and I spend as much of my free time as I can going outdoors or hanging out with friends. and I will be continuing that as much as possible in 2023. 

anyways, all this is to say idk what’s going to happen with this blog going forward. going to leave it plus all of my themes up and available to use of course, and I may end up dropping the occasional code from time to time. coding is occasionally a nice stress relief for me. but I definitely won’t be around to keep my themes updated or respond to problems like I used to. 

I know tumblr has changed quite a few things in the past year and will continue to, since like everything else, it’s constantly growing and evolving. yes I know npf is still doing stuff especially with audio posts, but I simply don’t have the time... or desire tbh to do anything about it.

so, sorry if you sent me a message about something not working over the past year, and apologies in advance if you send something in later. I probably will not be responding since I do not have time 💖

I found an old theme in my drafts I completely finished ages ago and completely forgot about so I may see if I can release it in the next few days. don’t like being the kind of thememaker who puts stuff out but isn’t around to fix anything that goes wrong but... well.... here I am. 

[snoopysfriendwoodstock]

midnights truthers rise. her absolute worst album. so mediocre, nothing but a collection of vault tracks (derogatory). may she move on from jack antanoff forever, i'm begging on my knees. what made folklore/evermore so 100/100 (except from closure, iykyk) was aaron. he pushed her and it showed. jack keeps her stuck in 2014. who knows how quickly her next album will come out, i hope she does something so different, i'm tired of jack's influence and her mediocre pop lyrics. i still cannot believe she really wrote 'cat eye sharp enough to kill a man' at her age and in the year 2023. i remain shocked.

something else i've been thinking: the fast turnover. maybe that's the problem? such quick production, album after album after album...and it's reflected in the quality of the work? what do u think? maybe she needs to take a few years off and i'm so serious, i would wait even 3+ years for a GREAT album and not just another ok one.

i also don’t love jacks influence but i wonder if it’s less of his production that does damage and more of him being a yes man? totally speculative. it’s weird bc there are songs i LOVE his production on and songs i HATE. i LOVE norman fucking rockwell and melodrama. HATE midnights & lover for the most part. maybe it’s the fact that he and taylor sort of built her pop sound together but jack has come into other artists songs where they already have a clear identity? idk! i think abt this all the time. aaron absolutely pushes her to make better art and i wonder if it’s bc he’s very much of the scene of people she wants to impress/the people who are usually most critical of her work but he’s clearly so supportive? his work on the speak now tv tracks is IMMACULATE!

honestly idk about the turnover. i feel like she’s always written this prolifically and is now more in charge of her own work and doesn’t have to be stuck in an album cycle the way she used to be. i also think the turnover is from covid since she wasn’t releasing albums and anticipating a tour or anything. i like getting new music so frequently, but i can see the argument. i imagine after the eras tour we’ll return to the two year album cycle like what happened with rep/lover but maybe she feels happier releasing things as she writes them? i think part of the problem is that she wants it to be the 1989 era again imo. now that she’s blown that success out of the water, i wonder if she’ll stop chasing that success? but midnights sold soooo much so i fear we’re stuck w it. i think Taylor is at her best when she has something to prove. speak now is incredible and she wanted to prove she really wrote her songs, fearless is amazing and it was her making herself known as an artist, 1989 is a pretty perfect pop album and it was her trying to prove herself as a popstar, folklore is incredible and it was her trying out a new sound + doing no promo for an album… idk! i think she needs to try a new sound again, really want to achieve something besides chart status and sales

[corrodedcoughin]

hi anna i hope you're doing well <3 i wanted to share a bit about my experience with burn out from your recent post. last year I was attending school and a lot of big moments were happening in my personal life. all of that plus the workload, commute, etc. left me feeling burnt out to the point of severe depression :/ your body is constantly tired and you just feel empty regardless of how your try to surround yourself with good things. could be people or food or music or a show but once you feel utterly wrung out, it's hard to feel much of anything else. i know for me it kind of manifested in unhealthy habits to just kind of quickly get through the day, a shot sleep schedule, and for me to start obsessing over little crap that really wasn't all that important. all my time was being used to work or overthink myself into a panic and it just made me feel completely isolated from family, friends, peers, and i left that term feeling stupid and useless.

the best way i try to go around my burnout is for one, to not push myself through it. yeah it all seems hopeless now but is my problem today gonna be the same in a month? a year? i try to think outside the present moment because sometims you might not even realize you have tunnel vision until you actually get out of the tunnel.

my hobbies are still gonna be there when i want to enjoy them but my body and health are what need to be my first priority. a lot of my hobbies were related to tumblr/ao3 or just being online in general so I decided to quit. for around three months I stayed off my socials and deleted apps like tiktok and instagram and decided to stick to the least attention grabbing apps i like. even then i made an effort to stay off my phone as long as i could. it may sound kinda dumb but lowering screentime actually really does help reduce anxiety and i find i don't miss those apps at all.

and for me my burnout was largely being caused from school and I realized that this wasn't the right path for me at all. so i quit because nothing, no matter how seemingly important, should make me feel so horrible. I mean it's not even sadness or exhaustion it's emptiness. you feel nothing and everything and it aches and you just end up ruining all the good things you have by trying to ignore it and push through.

another thing that helped was finding stuff for me to do in my personal life whether that was getting a new job, cleaning the house, cooking a meal, or finding a new love for movies. I prioritized myself and i feel good. It took me about 6 months but I got there and it's worth it. I don't feel isolated or as exhuasted as before and life feels good again, my hobbies feel good again.

I hope you know you're not alone when it comes to feeling this way and i hope you take care 💌 happy easter or just have a happy april

Hello! I’m going to put a bunch of stuff under a read more but before I do that I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time to even notice/read the things i posted and then writing this. I’m so, so glad that you are feeling better now and that you were able to do that for yourself. It sounds like you really figured out what you needed and it worked and knowing that it does work is so reassuring. So just thank you. For being kind to me and to yourself and sharing. I’m so glad you are here and if you ever want to talk be it silly or serious, my dms are always open.

You are so completely right about social media. I’ve had Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat deleted for a couple of years now. Covid pushed me over the edge with them and the relief of not having them there anymore is incredible. I have tiktok but go on it maybe for a week straight then don’t touch it for a few months. Idk it’s not great at holding my interest.

But yeah tumblr has been a bit of a difficulty for me, hence the dropping out for days at a time. Keeping up with things/engaging and needing to do it ‘right’ is so much more mentally straining than you realise until it’s just one more thing to push you over the edge. Even when I wasn’t replying to messages/asks I would be online trying to keep at track of things so I could ‘do my reblogging duty right’ when I eventually did feel good enough mentally to come back and it’s so STUPID. like!!! Nobody cares if I interact with their posts!! Nobody!!! I just internalised and spiralled a bunch of things from other parts of my life into here too!

Work has been really bad for at least six months now and it’s so hard. Then self doubt over looking into Autism and other mental health stuff as well as gender and trying to keep up with the gym and step targets and feeling bad for not being social every single hour of my day like my very extroverted brother has just really pushed me down into a hole. You don’t realise how many things are going on until they smack you over like a wave and then it’s like ‘oh boy, I can’t get up. And I don’t want to because I’ll just be pushed down again’

Eventually I started just taking my car down to the sea and reading a physical book instead of being online. It’s helped. It’s not sorted things but it’s helped.

My hobbies are primarily online too so I have an idea of where you are coming from, won’t say I understand because everyone is different but I get it. The temptation really IS to push through. I actually said to my only coworker ‘I just need to make it to the end of April. Then I can think about getting signed off if I /really/ need to but I won’t. It’ll be fine’ I don’t know why!! The job doesn’t care back!

I won’t bore you with all the details but it’s been Wild and knowing that you got through the other side is genuinely a light at the end of the tunnel. So thank you for sharing your experience. School is so hard, the first time I went I had to leave for mental health reasons or face hospital admission. I mean it when I say I’m so proud of you for making that decision. Truly. I wish you nothing but ease for the next section of your life, you deserve it. I hope you’ve found a new favourite movie or genre or just general joy in the new hobby! Would love to hear more about that or absolutely anything you have to say, your words are very easy to read and hold a lot of happiness in them. Thank you again and good luck with your new job if you have one or the search if you are looking!

[morgenlich]

Tag Game To Better Know You! Send this to people you'd like to know better!

tagged by @doomspiral and @lithugraph tyyy

what book are you currently reading?

still working my way through rereading fire and blood 😅

what’s your favorite movie you saw in theaters this year?

lol the batman is the only movie i saw in theaters this year (and is uh the first I’ve seen in theaters since I caught birds of prey like a week before covid lockdowns started lmao) but it’d probably be my favorite even if there were competition lmao

what do you usually wear?

whatever clothes won’t cause my sensory issues to drive me insane, which translates to a lot of uh. skirts and sweatpants actually lol

how tall are you?

5’5” lol

what’s your star sign? do you share a birthday with a celebrity or historical event?

sun sign is taurus (🌙 is also taurus and ⬆️ is leo if you were wondering lol), and i share a birthday w tchaikovsky if you use the gregorian calendar lol

do you go by your name or a nickname?

online? nickname. irl? Real Name EXCLUSIVELY unless I’m in a German speaking country bc for some reason they can’t pronounce it right lmao (then I usually just go by Kathi)

did you grow up to become what you wanted to be as a child?

you’re gonna have to narrow down what you mean by what I wanted to be as a child lmao, i wanted to be anything from paleontologist to astronomer to author to dancer…tho no. but I don’t think many kids go “i want to design art galleries when I grow up!” lol

what’s something you’re good at vs something you’re bad at?

hmmm good at cooking bad at math

dogs or cats?

cats 100%

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what's your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this year?

uhhh idk this drawing probably

What's something you would like to create content for?

hetalia is p much the only thing I’ve felt inclined to write or draw anything for lol. someday I will draw fan designs for hera and hestia for hades game tho i swear

what’s something you’re currently obsessed with?

[gestures] been fixated on hetalia over a decade now I’m not going anywhere lol. but also acnh and i have um an embarrassing amount of hours (and encyclopedic knowledge of the wiki for) stardew valley at this point lmao

What's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

um idk. was initially excited about going to cinque terre but my knee was really fucked up by the time i got around to it and also i had my wallet stolen in monterosso lmao so uh that ig

what’s a hidden talent of yours?

I’m pretty good at adapting to sudden changes in circumstances lmao tho i may need to have a little breakdown first

are you religious?

yeah sure

What's something you wish to have at this moment?

one million us dollars

tagging: @hinotorihime @pokytoad @currymuttonpizza and anyone else who wants to <3

[ramennoodlezzzao3]

nobody asked me to answer but I’m answering anyways 🤪

My Family, Covid, and Music

It’s horrible 💀

The Outsiders, IT, Titanic

If me and my parents get into a minor disagreement, my dad will point to the sky and say “Whose roof?” It may not be funny to yall without context, but it’s fricking hilarious in my family.

tbh, I didn’t know that tumblr was like this, I just read about it on an outsiders modern au fic and wanted to see what it was about

the best part is getting to make people happy and laughing with people all around the world in my comment section abt random stuff. The worst part isn’t the trolls, I can handle a good hate comment and can make an even better comeback, but I think its people stealing your content (I’m a TikTok and YouTube editor with a semi-large following, so people stealing my comets isn’t rare, it’s just hard to find the video bc they normally block you afterward)

Fire alarms and ovens. Idk why but I have always been afraid of both

No, not that I remember at least

We were at the beach and my husky ran out into the woods because he saw a dear. Both my parents and my sisters were looking for him, but my sisters didn’t have shoes on, so they came back with thorns and sticks in their feet (we found the dog btw)

Kinda? I have an emotional breakdown every other month and cry a few times in between but a movie or song can’t get tears falling. Unless a dog dies, if I dog dies, babes, I’m on the ground sobbing.

In a movie or book, just any romantic interaction that lasts a certain amount of time. Ten-fifteen minuets for a movie and maybe ten-fifteen pages in a book, depending how long each one is.

if people try to put you down, whether it’s a hate comment for an actual comment, bite back. Don’t be afraid. Biting back makes them back down. And if you are too scared to bite back, make fun of yourself with them! It shows confidence and also shows that you can take insults without being affected. It shows a lot about you.

Listening to music and writing my book! (It’s based off one of my dreams)

I have always wanted to move to Tokyo. I’m still a teenager, but when I get to collage, I want to apply for the animation school in Tokyo. I’m just scared that would be a very bold move.

It’s not really a feeling, but I smell cinnamon and bread baking, ik it’s weird but still.

how annoying I am.

music, books, writing

ghosts maybe, aliens no

I like laying in my bed while listening to music with sunlight pouring in. I like it better when it storms tho, it gives my room a really pretty and cold vibe, perfect for the neighborhood music!

I get to sleep lol

Idk, I don’t think I’m like the biggest spiritual person out there. I wouldn’t bring up anything spiritual in a conversation bc I don’t particularly find it interesting. But if someone else starts a conversation I would talk about it

my mom. She’s funny, very dirty minded, and has a strait-to-the-point-no-nonsense type attitude

Andrew Tate. Self explanatory.

Building a community on YouTube and TikTok where everyone feels comfortable enough to share their thoughts and feelings

winter! Mostly because it’s Christmas time in the winter and I LOVE the Christmas vibe

Blue, Green, Black and White. I’ve always liked blue and green, but I took a liking to black and white because me and my sister used to share a room and everything she owned was either pink, black, or white

My older brother calls me Honey, my oldest sister calls me Sugarboo, my second oldest sister calls me chicken (weird without context 💀), and my other two older sisters just call me by my name

Snowglobes! I started when me and my family moved across the country. We went to 11 states and so I have 11 snowglobes rn. My oldest sister bring me back one every single time she goes to visit her boyfriend.

listen to music or watch funny YouTubers like Joe Bart and the sturniolo triplets

When people comment on my videos. I love it when people enjoy my content!

a bit of both

12 💀

Drawing, Writing, editing, painting

I HATE STEREOTYPING PEOPEL! GOD ITS SO ANNOYING WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM

Very easily, I probably need to stop doing that. But I can always tell when something’s off about a person

People think I’m an open book but literally nobody knows anything about me, not even my family

I downloaded discord without asking my parents once, deleted it after a while though (The life of a kid with strict ass parents 😍)

End of beginning or Sex, Drugs, Etc

Joe Bartalozzi and Nick Sturniolo. They just remind me of myself

I chew the skin in front of my nails. I dig my nails into my arm when I feel like I’m being annoying.

that’s it 😍

questions I think would be fun to be asked

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

show us a picture of your handwriting?

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

what made you start your blog?

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

what scares you the most and why?

any reacquiring dreams?

tell a story about your childhood

would you say you’re an emotional person?

what do you consider to be romance?

what’s some good advice you want to share?

what are you doing right now?

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

name 3 things that make you happy

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

favourite thing about the day?

favourite things about the night?

are you a spiritual person?

say 3 things about someone you love

say 3 things about someone you hate

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

fave season and why?

fave colour and why?

any nicknames?

do you collect anything?

what do you do when you’re sad?

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

are you messy or organised?

how many tabs do you have open right now?

any hobbies?

any pet peeves?

do you trust easily?

are you an open book or do you have walls up?

share a secret

fave song at the moment?

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

any bad habits?

(this post was stolen from @teenage-mutant-ninja-freak, since it couldn't be reblogged anymore)

[pepprs]

i guess im starting a tradition of double ventposting lol but the last thing i’llsay (maybe) is like… all of that has a caveat which is that my emotional object permanence has been absolutely OBLITERATED by 3 yrs of covid hell and it is really doing a number on me. clearly

[bratz-kitten]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS [part 5]

— people with jupiter in the 8th may experience an “abundance” of traumatic experiences throughout life, often relating to death; these are the people who truly feel like everyone they love ends up dying. at their worst, they can become desensitized to death— jupiter is ruled by sagittarius, a sign known for being in denial when in difficult situations in favor of optimism. these natives can pretend like nothing actually happened, or minimize the situation in their head so that they don’t have to face it.

— okay this might be a weird one... like, you know in asoiaf when arya was walking through the streets and was always like “i’m as quiet as a shadow”? that’s literally the energy of someone with planets in the 12th house/chart ruler in the 12th house. these people are so stealthy. they’re able to move so quietly and without anyone noticing, both literally and figuratively. on one hand, they’re very quiet about their plans and ambitions to the point where other people only find out when they’re achieving success over it; on the other hand, they just. don’t like making noise while walking idk bitch you’ll only see me coming when i’m right beside you, i even get paranoid that i’m breathing too loud and that other people will hear 

— people with moon aspecting mars can be incredibly impulsive when they feel hurt or triggered. yall need to be careful with doing things in the heat of the moment that you know you’ll regret later... but in the moment, you feel so hurt that it clouds your rational side. please be more self-aware about this because you may make decisions that will directly affect you for the worse in the future 

— people with leo mars ft. constantly asking you for pictures... about anything. they just wanna SEE LMFAO THEY DON’T CARE WHAT IT IS THEY’RE SEEING. you just got ready to go out? “send pics of your makeup and your full outfit”. you’re waiting in a long boring line to get the covid vaccine? “send pics of the line”. your mom baked cake? “send pics of the cake”. plus they send so many random pictures while texting, it’s their special love language

— having moon conjunct moon/venus in synastry feels insane. you tell them something you’ve been through, and they’re immediately like “that happened with me as well.” it doesn’t even have to be something grand, sometimes just very specific things you thought were particular about you. the amount of understanding that comes with this aspect in synastry can feel very new and intense especially if you’re used to seeing yourself as the “odd one out”, used to feeling isolated in your experiences 

— people with pluto in the 1st house often feel the need to erase “traces” of their existence, for example deleting messages that they sent people, deleting all of their social media posts. they can feel anxious and paranoid about other people having access to their past self, even if the past self in question is from, like. a week ago 

— people with chiron in the water houses (4th/8th/12th) might’ve suffered bullying to the point where they repress their memories. a lot of their memories of their school years may feel foggy if they were bullied in those years

— also. people with chiron in the 8th house may feel as though they’ve been punished for wanting to experience intimacy. it’s like, the people who were supposed to be the closest to them – for example, their sibling or something – were the ones who hurt them the most. 

— people with mercury-neptune aspects and strong pisces/neptune energy in their birth chart might struggle with only remembering things when they’re right in front of them. you should keep things in your peripheral vision to remind you of reality, especially when it comes to feelings— so that you won’t start getting lost inside your own head. like... keep the letters your friends wrote you by your bedside table so you can read them every time your brain starts convincing you that you’re not loved. keep the gifts you’ve been sent on display in your bedroom wall, or sentimental material things that remind you of past happy experiences.

— earth placements and their thing for asmr... omfg. it’s like they’re always looking for things to up their sensory experience/sensitivity. like, earth signs are the ones most connected to worldly experiences so they feel so soothed with the whole asmr experience: just hearing someone gently whispering or tapping on/scratching things calms them down and helps them fall asleep. they love the tingles it’s heaven for them

— moon-saturn aspects might hold and caress themselves while they sleep because their parents never did. yes i woke up and chose violence <3 your secret is NOT safe with me 💋

— while we’re on the topic of sleeping, a majority of the pisces moons i know need to sleep while hugging something, at least a pillow. they can’t just not hug something while they sleep, it’s very instinctive for them. anyways if any pisces moon needs a pillow to hold, i volunteer as tribute 💋

— virgo placements feel sososo soothed by hearing their cats purr. thinking about how my virgo placement friends are always the ones who send me videos of them petting their cats... and then i get soothed by how soothed they feel. it’s a win win situation, if you have virgo placements it’s hereby your duty to send me a video of you petting your cat while they purr. right now. GO

— people with gemini in the 3rd house might have shaky movements of the hands when other people look at them doing things. very specific i know but the third house rules hands and gemini is a sign that has somewhat of an anxious, twitchy quality to it. on the other hand, people with capricorn in the 3rd house (scorpio risings, using whole signs) have the steadiest hands i’ve ever seen lol their movements ooze confidence, these bitches know how to make you feel as thought they know exactly what they’re doing

— people with venus in the 1st house ft. altering their pics with photoshop and hating posting selfies without filters because they never feel like their appearance is good enough. stop it. you don’t need to always look your best and especially not if your ‘best’ isn’t even what you actually look like. also... don’t even think about making self-deprecative jokes about your appearance. next time i find one of yall saying “ahaha im not bad for a 5 without talent” i’m squishing your head between 2 pieces of toast and calling you an idiot sandwich. you’re BEAUTIFUL 

— having venus in the 3rd house in composite with someone? do you mean calling each other the absolute ugliest nicknames in the most endearing way? 

— leo deals with themes of the ego, and it seems that leo placements often struggle with attracting narcissistic people into their life... leo suns/mercuries can be raised by loud, overbearing, narcissistic parents who see their kid as an extension of themselves and who teach the kid to always be very supportive and caring towards them or else they’ll deny them of words of affirmation-- either by insulting them to shatter their self-esteem or simply never complimenting the kid back. leo moons/mars/venus tend to attract narcissistic partners who only care about serving their own emotional needs and ignore the ones of their partner, and who feed off of their supportive and giving nature. which is why leo placements really need to watch out for being gullible, naïve and dismissing the red flags because my god, you be falling for some shady people. 

— people with personal planets in the 12th house/chart ruler in the 12th house might feel like they can’t let go of their past life— they may dream of memories, people or places from another life. it’s like they can’t detach from it, and even if they can’t directly remember their past life, it’s like they feel it in their bones. also, they might’ve felt... estranged from their family ever since childhood; there may have been feelings of being unable to emotionally connect to their (often, distant) parents, and they might’ve even wondered if they were adopted because of how different they felt to the rest of the family. 

— okay so, a thing that people with saturn in the 3rd house need to look out for is mentally checking out of conversations while they’re still happening. these people can detect when they’re being manipulated really fast and their way of dealing with it can be to immediately shut down, to grow cold and silent and not even bother answering when you’re expected to respond. and, like, that’s great when someone starts screaming at you or being insulting/trying to coerce you into shit, but take notice if you find yourself shutting your loved ones out as soon as they say anything that triggers you. don’t simply detach from them, communicate what’s wrong

— aries placements, ESPECIALLY aries suns and moons, value generosity so much and they get so turned off by stingy ppl who don’t share with others, especially when others need it. like.. if you’re hanging out in a group with them and someone asks for a bite of your food because they have no money and you say no... espect them to never respect you. ever. 

— people with libra placements use soooo many adjectives to describe things. something can’t just be beautiful, it has to be DIVINE and CELESTIAL and INTOXICATING. they can be so expressive god it’s so fcking funny 

— capricorn placements HATE asking others for advice because they think no one knows better than them (and they’re not wrong, lol). when they truly care for someone, they might ask the person for advice simply as a sign that they respect, trust and value their judgement. even if they don’t plan on taking it LMFAO 

— people with mars in a water sign can have this terrible habit of expecting other people to guess what they want. and then they get passive agressive when you don’t instinctively feel what it is they want... and when you ask them “do you want this?”, they go like “FINALLY. i thought you’d never get there”. stop it. i know that you want people to understand you in a way that transcends words, but you can’t expect people to read your mind and then get disappointed when they don’t, thinking “oh if they loved me that much then they would’ve known that i really want chipotle for dinner :(” GIRL WHAT. COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS  

[shintaru]

Started writing: I don’t exactly remember. I do remember writing fan fiction in my sophomore year of high-school and hating it and dropping it to pick it back up during my senior year during covid and I dropped it again.

Started blogging: a couple of days ago. But my account is a few years old I just never was confident enough to post my writing.

Followers: Currently at 45 I think, I think it’s cool that many people like what I post it makes me happy because I enjoy writing

Communication: i don’t really text anyone on here I would like to make some friends with different writers and readers so I can talk to them about different series that we mutually like I think that would be really fun. But I either don’t know what to say at all or I just can’t shut up so idk how to make friends 💀 other than that I do talk to a few mutuals on here through the comments after I post. I really need to start looking at everyone else’s posts too I use to read more than I write and now I write more than I read 😭 I happened to get a lot of requests which it may not actually be a lot it’s just the fact that I got any at all the amount seems crazy to me.

Likes: I like receiving them because it lets me know which types of things I’m writing people like more and if people actually like what I write. I’m an over thinker so I always think the worst at times and can go from liking my work to hating it in a matter of second so when a few people like it I’m like ok this one’s good. Either way I’ll still write what I love writing and what I’m comfortable with writing regardless of how many likes I get in just here to have some fun while trying to get better at writing.

Requests: I love the requests everyone is so creative especially with the prompts. They pick the best prompts that fit so well together and I get excited to see how I can write that.

Writing: I am a fast writer, I’m quick with making ideas. I usually will come up with an idea and I write it all out onto a Google document and then I go back through it adding the details and then the dialogue. What takes me forever is editing it and re reading to make sure it makes sense then formatting it on here and individually adding the tags 🗿 when I write out my ideas I don’t use any punctuation I don’t look for it to make sense I just want the idea to be out. So when I’m finished writing the idea out I have so much to fix as I’m adding the details but I prefer doing this. Anytime I’ve written out any of my ideas and I added the punctuation at the same time I’d forget parts of it for not writing it down quick enough.

Idk if there is anything that I can’t write atm. I just started so I’ll find out. What helps me is knowing the characters. You can write your fics however you want them writing mostly is for an escape and our own enjoyment me we just happen to share it. When it comes to me I like doing research and knowing everything there is that I can know to get something as accurate as I can. Idk how well I am at that though. I usually have a character sheet of each character that I write and I put things like zodiac signs, personality type, personality traits, and etc and as I write I refer to that.

I write best in the best when I should be in bed. Anytime I’m about to fall asleep I grab my phone because I think of something good to write or I’ll think of something to add to what I’ve already written.

Works I’m proud of: I’m proud of my first smut. I wrote it for Chris D’Char it may not be the best and I definitely want to get better at writing smut. I’ve read smut for years though 💀 I was too young to be reading smut and knowing what it was I don’t remember how I even found out about it but ever since from time to time l’ll read it now I’m writing it . Random but my favorite things to read and write would be angst and smut.

I won’t tag anyone on my post because idk who to tag 💀

Behind the scenes of a Tumblr Writer - Tag Game

Hey there, I love behind the scenes and since this is something that's rarely talked about, let me start the chain... if you feel uncomfortable with a question, just skip it. You can add some if you want as well.

Started writing: I wrote my first Harry Potter fanfic at age 10. Started posting around 15,16 years old. I'm now 31, so...

Started blogging: I started on a German fanfiction site around 2010/11 I think. Might have been earlier too, but back then I was mostly reading, no posting. I really started when I got into One Direction (very late, tbh)

Followers: Currently at 961, which is wild to me. I don't even know that many people IRL. I convince myself that half of them are bots tbh, so I don't freak out all the time.

Communication: The people I talk to regularly are: a few writers who answered after I constantly reblogged and commented on their works and a few people who commented and reblogged my work. Writing and blogging on here can be pretty lonely, depending on your personality and the time you're active (I'm from Europe and a lot of my followers seem to be living in Northern America, so there's the Timezone thing) ... And I found that the best way to strike a conversation is to reblog, comment, and to not be shy. I do wish I got more asks, though....

Likes: I actually filter them out. I have 793 original posts up at the moment. It doesn't give me anything to know how many likes a fic has other than to tell me which characters are liked more than others or maybe that one fic does especially well. My activity only shows me comments, asks, reblogs with tags, and answers to my own asks. I live for the tags and the comments.

Requests: I love talking to people about ideas. That's how I started the plotbunny game because I have so many ideas and so little time. And sometimes an idea just doesn't want to be written out fully. Requests are fun because YAY, I get some mail... but then I freak out because I don't really know how to write this NOW and then I freak out because it's been a week already, two weeks, wait, two months? I'd rather have suggestions where people tell me vague things like "I'd love to read something about this side character" or "Have you ever considered this character with a soulmate trope"? because then I don't have the feeling of failing the request when I write it a little bit differently.

Writing: I am a fast writer. I know that's one of my talents. I can churn out a oneshot of 1k words in less than an hour. People read slower than I write. That can suck sometimes because you've just posted this and you want to know what people are thinking but they're not as fast as you are. I do have a lot of ideas. I want to write constantly but my brain doesn't always want to. I am trying to respect that.

There are also certain things that I just feel wrong writing. I cannot write anything suggestive (I also don't like reading it) and everything past that gives me panic attacks. I can hardly write mean characters and jealousy feels so wrong to me that I cannot write it. I've also overdone it with the soulmark trope and now I feel like everything I write about it feels lifeless.

I write best in the mornings before going to work, but I don't have much time there. I don't need special music (but it helps), but I need to have at least some energy left and at best, no distractions. But I have been writing for over 20 years, so I will say experience helps a lot.

Tagging: @revasserium @shoulmate @lemurzsquad @screamin-abt-haikyuu @toomanygoldfish @satorisoup @emmyrosee @reverie-starlight @alienaiver and @writingsofanomnivore and everyone else who wants to join

[aoitrinity]

Why Do I Have to Feel Like a Fucking Conspiracy Theorist -- OR -- How I Find a Semblance of Peace on Sunday Night

I’m also going to start this out with a GIANT DISCLAIMER.

I am about to theorize about what may have happened to the SPN finale. I have absolutely no insider knowledge. I am merely speculating here based on the panels and a bunch of Twitter and Tumblr posts that I have been reading over the last few days. If you are not in a good place to read such things, TURN BACK PLEASE. Go take care of yourself and your mental health. You and your feelings are valid and deserve to be handled gently right now.

Additionally, if you are here to give me shit for being unhappy with the ending, please walk away as well. I am here to reach out and share my feelings with people who might be struggling to make sense of something that upset some of us in very deep-seated ways. I am not here to bother you or critique you or tell you that you’re lesser because you liked the ending. If you felt it was good, then go enjoy it.

Long-ass post beneath the cut, everyone.

Alrighty folks...I debated whether or not to do this because I have been spiraling down the hell that is the SPN finale since Thursday. The travesty of what happened to our show--to this beloved show that seemed to have been so perfectly and precisely written for at least four years that it had basically already paved its own tarmac on which to land its plane and we all thought we knew exactly what we were going to get. And then we didn’t. We had a nigh Cas-less and entirely Eileen-less ending. We had no goodbye between Cas and Jack. We had Dean dying young after finally finding his freedom, only to ascend to heaven with no one but Bobby. We had the weird, weird, weird incest-y death scene. We had the bridge crane shot thing because...sure. You do you, Robert Singer.

It was so terrible, so truly awful, and I couldn’t seem to square any of it with anything we had known going in. I tossed and turned and cried and didn’t eat or sleep all weekend. I spent hours just reloading tumblr and twitter, going to the Misha panel, reading and reading and listening and trying to figure out what the fucking hell is going on because I needed to know exactly where to direct my anger. And after a fuckton of talking with @winchester-reload, I think we have at least a very plausible theory about what happened here--I’m laying it out below as much for my own peace of mind as anything else, because otherwise all of these thoughts are going to continue to spin around in my head for weeks and I won’t be able to do jack shit.

Now to start off, unfortunately I do think Dean was slated to die from the beginning of this season. I don’t know WHY they thought that was the best way to go, and I wish they had listened to Jensen on this one. Part of me wonders if it was an order from on high based on the discussion between Becky and Chuck earlier this season--the writers knew it wasn’t a great choice, but they were trying to signal to us that we should feel free to write our own endings to the story because they’d be better (I can wax poetic on the signs of why many of the writers probably wanted Dean to live, but that’s another post). I’m not defending that choice by any means, just laying it out there that I think they didn’t necessarily all want to kill Dean like they did.

However, what I THINK I can explain now is what happened with Misha and why we got so jerked around with Cas’s story. Consider what we know (I can’t immediately source all of it, but I did my best):

At the end of episode 15x19, Lucifer has been returned to the Empty after being killed AGAIN. He talks with Cas. Maybe harasses him a bit about Dean, idk. But then...Jack shows up. New God Jack. And he picks up Cas and pulls him out of the Empty, leaving Lucifer behind, because seriously. Fuck that guy (also leaving behind his abusive father is character growth for Jack, so yay for that).

-Misha was contracted to film 15 episodes this season. He was only in 14.

-Misha told Michael Sheen he had to go back to film 1.5 episodes after the shutdown in March. (Starts at 6:13)

-Misha was in Vancouver during filming of the finale.

-Mark P said at Darklight Con that the last scene he filmed was with Alex and Misha (and Mark P was only in episode 19).

-Misha implied that he was present for various filming moments, including Dean’s death (start at 35:15), and said that it felt like a “mini-reunion.”

-Various sources have mentioned that Jimmy Novak was supposed to be in the finale.

-After episode 18, Stands tweeted a fan who was angered and hurt by Cas's death that they could talk about the “bury the gays” issue after the finale aired.

-In episode 19 we know there were takes of the parking lot scene where the only thing fans observing could hear was Dean yelling “CAS” at Chuck (fuck I can’t find this one right now, but it’s definitely out there)

-Also in episode 19, we had a very strange, awkward montage at the end of the episode.

-In episode 20, we know there were a FUCKTON of missing scenes

-We also had no opening montage, but three other separate montages.

-Carry on My Wayward Son was played TWICE, back-to-back at the end of the episode.

-Episode 20 was shorter than normal and had surprisingly little dialogue. The pacing was VERY strange.

-The cast and crew has been almost completely silent about the finale since it came out. When they have spoken, it has been with an awkward excuse of “Uh...COVID?”

-Samantha Ferris has specifically noted that, despite the Harvelle’s being back in play and a big heaven reunion having been planned pre-COVID, neither she nor Chad Lindberg received any such invitation to return.

-Cas and Dean POP Funko figures were pictured together in a replica of Harvelle’s in 15x04.

NOW with all of this in mind (and I’m probably missing some stuff too because there is so much--feel free to add on to that list), please bear with me because here is what I think we were SUPPOSED to get POST-COVID (after it was determined that the reunion couldn’t happen because of the virus):

In episode 20, we start with our NORMAL OPENING MONTAGE, like always. It traces everything that happened during the season. We are reminded of Cas. The confession. Rowena. Eileen. Jack. Billie, God, the Empty, all of it. 

Things then follow along in the episode where they did up until Dean dies and wakes up in heaven. After his conversation with Bobby, he drives off to find Cas (who, in the script, was listed as “Jimmy Novak” in order to protect against script leaks--who wouldn’t want to do their best to avoid spoilers about the finale with the wrapping of a fifteen-year show?). He does indeed find Cas. We get Dean’s end of the confession. Hell, maybe we even get a kiss. And then Dean sets up his new heaven home in the recreated Harvelle’s. Maybe Cas even fucking moves in. 

Years pass. We get Sam having his life on Earth (still can’t explain why they cut Eileen and couldn’t even have Sam signing vaguely to the blurry brunette in the background; if anyone wants to take that on, go for it). Eventually, Cas tells Dean that it’s almost Sam’s time. Dean takes Baby and goes to meet Sam at the bridge. The cover of Carry on My Wayward Son plays during this much shorter sequence. End of episode.

But that’s not what we got. Instead, much of what I just wrote about was excised from the episode. The remnants were stitched together after shooting had been wrapped. Filler was added in the form of montages and long, unnecessary extra shots to get the episode to something approaching a reasonable length. 

But why? Why would they spend all that time and money and quarantining on Misha, only to almost completely cut him out of the finale? I struggled with why the fuck the CW would want this mammoth show to go down as the greatest queerbait in TV history when they had the chance to do something truly beautiful and monumental with it? It couldn’t just be sheer homophobia, right? Well, I think that factored into it, my friends, but here is where my head is at right now.

It was about cold, hard cash.

Now I could be wrong, but this is what I’m thinking at the moment: Supernatural is going off of the air. Supernatural, the CW’s cash cow for fifteen years. Sure there is still money to be made on blu-rays and merchandise and cons...but they need people watching their shows. They need that sweet advertising revenue. And you know what show they have about to premiere? A show that could, potentially, bring with it a chunk of that SPN revenue?

Walker.

And if any of you know anything about the original Walker Texas Ranger, you know that the show was predominantly a show about a very heterosexual white man being very excessively heterosexual. And for SOME REASON over the years, many of the execs at the CW still seem to think that this show, Supernatural, is really attractive to a lot of middle-American white men...whom they desperately want to watch this new show with this guy from Supernatural that they already know.

Now here’s where COVID fucked us. I think Destiel was greenlit by TPTB, at least in SOME form, before COVID. But then the pandemic happened, and they panicked. They got the cut of the last two episodes and watched them in their original, probably queer form. And then, the execs at CW looked at the economy. They looked at their cash cow, about to make its journey to the great beyond. And they looked at this new little calf Walker that they were so desperately worried about. And they made a choice.

They decided that it would be too risky to take the step with Destiel. They were worried about frightening off their ever-so-valuable hetero male demographic with the possibility that a traditionally masculine man in his 40s could be in love with another man in an overt way. It was homophobia mixed with greed, spun up by fear for their revenues because of COVID.

So they called in Singer, possibly Dabb, although I wouldn’t be surprised if they went straight to Singer. They told them that Destiel had to go: executive orders. And the only way to make it go in a way that removed any trace of what had been there was to rewrite what happened to Cas and cut him out from the last two episodes entirely. It was too late to reshoot anything. They had to just cut and stitch and fill with bullshit montages. 

They removed the scene at the end of 19, probably because Cas and Lucifer discussed Dean. All that was left of Misha there was his voice on that fake phone call. They may have cut other things too, but I would bet my life that they cut a scene from the end of the episode and replaced it with that very strange montage. Then they moved onto 20. They cut out every scene with Cas. And left in only two platonic mentions of him, neither made by Dean. They tried to imply that Cas might show up in Dean’s heaven at some point, but that was as far as the editors could go in the time they had. They filled in with montages, awkwardly long shots, anything they could do to fill all of those missing scenes.

And they even had to take the opening montage, because literally everything in it pointed to Cas being there at the end of it all. They wouldn’t be able to leave out his scenes, they were too critical to the season. They couldn’t cut his confession without raising eyebrows. So they cut the whole thing and moved “Carry On My Wayward Son” to one of the newly-added driving montages at the end. Which is why we awkwardly had both songs play back-to-back--again, such a strange choice unless they were out of options and couldn’t exactly buy rights to a new track or compose anything else.

And so we were left with the shadow of the finale that we deserved, that Cas and Dean deserved. We were left without resolution or happiness or words. Bobo told us the most important thing about happiness is just “saying it” and our characters were silenced without anyone ever knowing the truth.

I think the writers might have known and been given the new party line that “Misha never filmed, he couldn’t, sorry, it was COVID, no one’s fault!” But I don’t think most of the cast even knew it had happened until they watched the finale on Thursday with us (though they might have been confused why the bit from 15x19 was sliced, they could reasonably have assumed it was a time thing and also BL episodes don’t make sense anyway). Why do I say that?

Well, first of all, Misha started sending out a bunch of excited texts to fans with some old BTS pictures about an hour before the show started airing on EST. He also wanted his children to see the episode, his YOUNG children. Why would he show them such a traumatic episode if their Dad wasn’t in it? What if it was because he wanted them to witness what was going to be a monumental moment in queer television history that their DAD got to be a part of? And then that was all dashed.

Which is why I think the cast and crew went almost completely radio silent the next day. I don’t think they knew. And based on how they have been acting on social media since then, I think many of them are absolutely furious, but they have been silenced because of NDAs, because they want to find work again in a cutthroat industry, because they don’t want to bring down the hellfire of Warner Brothers Entertainment upon themselves. So the most we have gotten is a little acknowledgement from the MERCHANDISING COMPANY trying to validate our pain (god bless Shirts, she is a LIFESAVER) and a response to my salty tweet about keeping good stuff in the closet from Adam Williams (the VFX coordinator) that seemed to acknowledge the validity of my complaint.

Then there was a scramble behind the scenes, I would bet my life. Talking points were fed to the boys who had panels today, to CE, to all the cast and crew:

Toe the party line. Misha never filmed. This was always about COVID. Do not mention Destiel. Do not mention Dean’s feelings for Cas. Do not promote the Castiel Project or anything that validates the idea that this was anything less than a superb ending.

And that is why we have heard so little from the cast on this front, and what we have heard has been muddled and contradictory. That is why the writers are saying nothing. That is why we have been left adrift.

Now before I close this out, I do want to say that I really, genuinely do not think this was on the writers at all. I feel like they tried to give us the best ending that they could, in a writers room that we know is notorious for splitting along party lines about the overall story (BL and Singer, who have always been about the brothers and their man-pain vs. Dabb and the rest who always seemed to want more for them and for Cas). I think they did everything in their power to at least end with Dean and Cas happy together. If they could give us nothing else, they wanted to give us that. And then the network took it from them. From us. From everyone.

For the sake of fucking money. 

And the WORST PART OF IT ALL, for me, is that in the wake of this disaster, the fans have been left to try and figure out what happened. We have had to wade through a mire of conflicting information in the midst of all of our collective anger and grief over this garbage ending of a show many of us have loved and even relied on for YEARS, all the while wondering if we’re just fucking crazy, if we have all fallen collectively into the hole of conspiracy theories. That hurts ESPECIALLY badly because we have taken so many hits over the years from other groups on social media saying we were crazy for seeing things that weren’t there (especially Destiel), for writing meta and analyzing tropes and believing the evidence of our eyes and ears. The network has made us relive that entire nightmare WHILE processing our grief for a show we wanted so badly to celebrate and which instead we now have to mourn.

So again guys, I cannot prove that this is exactly what happened at all; this is simply my idea of what may have happened. But right now, it’s the most sense I can make from this mess, and to be honest, the act of typing it out has helped me enormously in my processing of it all. I feel like I can see more clearly, like I know where to target my outrage and where to direct empathy. I feel like just fucking maybe, I might be able to do my job tomorrow without bursting into tears at random moments. 

I really hope that this post has helped some of you to, in some small way, process this too. We get through this the way that Misha told us at his panel this morning, the way the writers have told us to do all season long...we throw out the story God gave us and we make it better. We write our characters the happy endings they deserve. 

We save them.

One last thing--if you have not already, please consider channeling your rage into a donation to one of the five causes our fandom has put together to pay tribute to our beloved show and to mourn the ending it should have had:

-The Castiel Project

-Dean Winchester is Love

-Sam Winchester Project

-The National Association of the Deaf

-The Jack Kline Project

[aizenat]

They can’t sing and their entire job is singing, so people are gonna dunk on them. We’re not at a third grade choir recital where it’s okay if little Susie can’t hold the notes in her solo. Idk how old you are but in the adult world, if you can’t do your job well, then you get fired. Or at least reprimanded, put on probation to see if you can improve, etc. All the actually talented people in the music industry busting their ass to prove they’re worth enough attention to pay some bills and these girls think that they can go on one of the biggest and most exclusive stages and we’re going to praise them for being able to get the crowd to jump around to their backing track? Wow, such skill and obviously not fans who are gonna pretend it was good regardless. 🙄

There are no consolation prizes in the real world and especially not in the music industry. This is such an obnoxious and immature take and it’s the reason why kpop is such trash now. Because instead of holding these companies accountable for debuting and promoting girls completely ill prepared or even a little bit ready for the world stage by not supporting their artists (the only message they’ll get because only once they start losing money over this will Hybe care), yall make posts like this defending them.

They SUCK. Pure and simple. Lying to yourself and others saying their vocals were good/fine (gaslighting at its finest; as if we can’t fucking HEAR them ourselves and need someone to tell us if they’re okay) is not helping them or anyone else. Kpop is showing every day that it was a fun little moment back during covid when we were all inside and saw kpoppies having fun and wanted in, but it’s not anything to pay attention to seriously. I ate some Popeyes the other day, and it’s fast food so I don’t expect it to be the best, but that shit was bland and unseasoned and obviously fried in super old oil. And that’s like the third time in as many months that’s happened. I had zero fun eating it so guess what? I’m probably not going to eat at Popeyes for a very long time, if ever again, because three times isn’t just a mistake: it’s a habit.

Part of the reason this backlash is so intense and ppl are going IN on them is because this isn’t just one performance that wasn’t great. Not even like two months ago they were singing live and it was garbage. And okay, maybe it’s a rough season but this shit happened last year as well!!! Again, once maybe twice, we can forgive, but this is strike fucking three. And Sakura’s response didn’t express any reflection or promise to grow but rather a dismissive, “our goal was to entertain so whatever get over it you weren’t other anyway” as if that’s acceptable for an artist!

Imagine Beyonce having a bad performance (hard to imagine I know, but let’s pretend we’re in hell) and her response being that! And sure since it’s her we may forgive her, but if every time she stepped on stage she was giving lack luster performances, we start to come for that crown! Bad performers don’t get praise! They get boos! Period! Why are you all acting surprised and offended by that? That is literally the very nature of the music industry.

Some of the biggest artists in America have been booed at some point in their career. Mostly in the beginning but still. And guess what they did? They got better. Usher, Lauryn Hill, Drake, Tyler the creator, mgk, and since I mentioned Beyonce, YES DESTINY’S CHILD was booed at a live event once upon a time too! Imagine saying you booed a young Beyonce before she became the biggest and best performer on the planet! And did those girls cry about it? Nope. They went to practice and got so good no one would ever think to boo them again. When Dua Lipa went viral for a really shitty performance, did she cry how unfair it was ppl expected her to dance well while she sang? Nope, she got in the studio and put in the work and is now a solid performer.

If I listen to you, I’d have to accept the idea that mediocrity deserves reward. Mediocrity deserves praise. Mediocrity deserves recognition and respect. And idk what world you live in, but in the world I do, mediocrity is good for background noise at best, but not praise. Not getting invited to Coachella. Not getting defended when they mess up. Where I come from, talent and excellence is praised.

I feel like that’s been the biggest takeaway from these modern kpoppies; they’re constantly trying to defend praising mediocrity and then looking surprised when normal people tell them that’s not normal behavior.

le sserafim haters on twitter are pissing me off. literally what did these girls ever do to people to garner such hate . .

“oh they can’t sing it’s so embarrassing!” guess who fucking ASKED ‼️ it’s so hard for kpop stans to mind their own business lmao & the girls aren’t even bad singers!

they ate their coachella perf btw. at the end of the day the hate train is so forced & they were the ones who got invited and got to perform, not you, not your favs, them.

[saline-sp]

I just watched the special, and like with post covid, I think I’m gonna have to wait for part two to come out before I make my final opinions on it.

But for now, I enjoyed it a lot! Not sure if I like it more that post covid, there were some parts where I was less invested, but overall I had a good time. I’m kinda surprised that we didn’t get as much of Cartman as I thought we would considering the promotions made it look like he was gonna be the main focus when he really wasn’t.

But I enjoyed Cartman’s storyline a lot. I’m glad to see Liane finally putting her foot down on his bullshit.

Other than that, the whole story about the streaming services was great. Of course the streaming service was and actual streaming service with water that was really funny. The fact that they’re calling Randy Karen now is hilarious I don’t even care if it’s outdated.

I loved seeing more interactions between Stan and Tolkien, I love how they’re becoming really close friends.

And I loved Tolkien’s dad and I hope he’s ok. The fact that they said he was missing gives me hope that he isn’t actually dead, but idk that may just be me being hopeful. 

I can’t really think of anything else to say. I enjoyed the special overall and I’m excited to see what happens next.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

I’m still so torn

Had therapy today. My therapist has been so amazing and I’m really glad I have her to process with. I really can’t afford it…but I also don’t think I can afford to not afford it especially now that my medication is up in the air. I definitely can’t afford the appointments with how the insurance policy changed with the psychiatrist.

Today we talked a lot about grad school and parental pressure, guilt, shame, and burden (all relating to my parents). Talked about life coaching.

I may finish out this semester of grad school and take a break, try out life coaching. I don’t know.

There is zero reason why I couldn’t be a life coach and market myself. I think I’d invest In a course if I found it to be a good fit. The industry has zero regulations which is what puts me off of it. There’s more protection in having my LCSW I think. Both need insurance on yourself tho I believe. The only difference I see that makes a big difference is that there’s no life coach data base (that I know of) like therapists have on psychologytoday[dot]com.

I really don’t think there is anything I will learn in grad school that I don’t already know or can’t learn. A lot of places continued doing free webinars after Covid, and I regularly attend trainings, listen to podcasts, read articles about things that help me as a social worker.

I know I have to “play the game” because everyone wants to see that piece of paper that proves you know what you know. But I don’t need that for life coaching. I have the experience and I have the bachelor level degree backing me up.

I’m good with social media when I put the time into it and I’d probably market via social media. I’m sure I can create a strategy that makes me stand out.

There is fear in the unknown though. The what if’s. What if life coaching doesn’t work out. What if it isn’t going to help me toward retirement. But I still have the bachelor degree and experience to demand higher pay.

I would take a break from grad school in January. I’d Like to take on some “clients” to help with finances and career coaching as I think there would be people willing in my adhd Facebook group. Small fee. Test the waters. If I find that it’s doable, that I like it, that I feel competent, then look into training for it (again, it’s an unregulated field. I’m just looking for a program that will guide me with structure that isn’t a scam). And probably wouldn’t continue grad school.

I’m miserable. My therapist said I have a lot of “grit” especially for someone that doesn’t even want to do what I’m doing. My motivation is the fear of disappointing my parents yet again. My motivation is fear of the unknown. But I am not happy right now. 16 months isn’t a long time in the perspective of a whole life, but 16 months is a long time to feel absolutely miserable. To resent every hour I put in to this work. To resent every hour it takes away from M or things I enjoy doing. For what? I don’t even know that I wanna be clinically licensed…I don’t want to diagnose. I barely want to be a therapist anymore. I don’t want an admin or supervisory role.

Idk when I started caring so much about what my parents think. I was never afraid to rebel in the past. To go my own way.

I think now maybe it’s just that I am holding the shreds of our former relationship, I am actively watching my relationship with my parents fall apart. Because I couldn’t play the good Christian girl anymore- someone I never was. A role that caused me nothing but grief and shame and depression.

I am proud of the person I’ve grown into, the only thing I’d change is my mental health. And so much of my mental health challenges come from trying to be this perfect person that I am not.

I don’t think anything is gonna save my relationship with my parents at this point. They wholeheartedly believe I am going to hell unless I repent of my sexuality. Anything else in comparison to that is still failure in their eyes.

No matter how hard I work, they will still see me as the gay daughter who’s sleeping with the wrong genitalia. If I finish grad school or drop out, I am still marrying M, I am still starting a family with him. So why should any of this matter? I will never make them as happy as they want me to make them.