#also somewhat relatedly (and i may have already said this but): covid also destroyed something that has always already been hard for me whi | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pepprs · 2 years ago

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i guess im starting a tradition of double ventposting lol but the last thing i’llsay (maybe) is like… all of that has a caveat which is that my emotional object permanence has been absolutely OBLITERATED by 3 yrs of covid hell and it is really doing a number on me. clearly

#purrs #this manifests in how not normal i am abt reading / responding to messages btw ♥️ i love depriving myself of evidence that i am loved #also somewhat relatedly (and i may have already said this but): covid also destroyed something that has always already been hard for me whi #which (ironically given how important it is to the work I do) foresight. i was not su*cidal growing up but i simply couldn’t imagine what li #life would be like after high school. it felt like the show was supposed to be over on graduation day. and everything that’s happened since #then has seemed a little fake to me… and then covid happened and it felt even more fake… and now i graduated college and WORK THERE full #time. and it’s like.. at any given moment i am about 30-40% convinced that the things that are happening to me aren’t actually real or that #they’re not supposed to be happening bc the show ended on may 30 2017. and i don’t think that’s a healthy way to experience the world lol #unreality tw #ask to tag #like ofc my day to day life is real and the week to week stuff is real. but there’s some twilight zone-ness to it. like its happening to #someone else who looks exactly like me butim in her body and not mine and not controlling anything. idk. that’s not the right metaphor its h #hard to explain and im so sleepy. but the best way i can describe it which i keep doing is like a tv show that should be over by now but is #dragging on fro some reason. like we never finished watching it but it’s like the office continuing after michael Scott left. it’s just #weird and wrong and fake and doesn’t feel real. and the fact that it actually is real but i feel that way is a very big problem

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