#idk i have kinda shitty day and need a validation | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

golbrocklovely · 8 months ago

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sometimes i have to sit back and wonder... what are we doing here, as a fandom? like is all of this really worth it?

the absolute vitriol i've seen thrown around for snc since they started dating k and m is incredibly depressing. especially towards colby. it is DISGUSTING what some of yall (hi twitter ppl that stalk my account 👋) say about him and about m. and same thing goes for sam and k.

you claim up and down "oh i have a right to say what i want, it's just an opinion." no, you actually don't have a right to say whatever you want, and especially without ppl calling you out. but then you have the fucking nerve to ask why snc don't talk to us, why they don't post as often, why they aren't around as much as they once were. idk, maybe it's bc you guys are appalling pieces of shit that say the most idiotic and degrading things and then somehow expect those same ppl you make fun of day in and day out to want to talk to you.

i don't really understand your thought process and i pray i never do. bc if i'm that down bad, i would be the most miserable person on the planet, just like you are.

bc i'm telling you right fucking now, there is not a SINGLE thing snc or those girls have done to warrant this behavior. none of what yall are doing is right or justified. you are deplorable, inexcusable cunts who should have been called out well before now. the nicest thing i can do for you is block you, instead of making a long list of every terrible, miserable, shitty person in this fandom and calling each of you out personally.

let me tell you one thing: there are a lot worst things in life than being a girl with fake tits, lip filler, and an onlyfans account. there's a lot worst things in life than a guy that broke up with his long time gf. there is a lot worst things in life than being someone who has consensual sex with willing partners multiple times in his life. and there is a lot worst things than being kinda childish, into spongebob, and having quasi-clout chasing friends.

and i genuinely have to ask - even tho i know i won't get an answer and i know whatever answers i do get aren't reasonable enough - what about seeing snc happy makes you angry? what about seeing them in relationships makes you think "i need to complain about that" or "i don't like that"? why does seeing snc happy upset you? what does that say about you? bc you claim you love them and want what's best... but clearly you don't. bc why isn't happiness the best for them? why do you think you know better?

seriously. consider taking a second to step back and think "why does seeing snc happy make me upset?" how deeply insecure do you have to be to truly feel that? it's sad, really. bc this should be a fun time in this fandom. but i have never felt more embarrassed to be a part of it than i do right now.

some of you are full grown adults too! well beyond the years of "i just didn't know any better". what a sad, little life you must have lived all this time to think that this type of behavior is valid and acceptable. it's a shame.

#sam and colby #sam golbach #colby brock #personal #text #sg ll #cb ll #ask #i mean this wholeheartedly. i'm so disappointed.

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not-poignant · 11 months ago

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Out of curiosity, when did the, 'fanfic doesn't need to adhere to canon, everything is valid and good, don't give concrit unless specifically asked for' attitude become the norm? Genuine question.

I was active in fandom back in the LJ days, when sporkings and comms viciously mocking Mary Sues were the norm, but then I sort fell out of fandom spaces for the past (checks notes) fifteen years holy shit. The current attitude seems diametrically opposed to what I remember fandom being like (kinda shitty, it was 'cool' to be an asshole back then), and I'm just curious as to when and how the shift happened. I mean, I assume it was a gradual thing, but is there anything in particular that stick out to you?

(Also, because tone doesn't convey very well through ask, and I don't want to leave you with a poor impression-- this is by no means a defence of the 2000s attitudes, nor an aspersion on the current ones. I'm genuinely only curious about the evolution from one to the other; I hope that comes across.)

Hi anon!

TL;DR because my response got LONG -> Anon this existed before Livejournal as an attitude, in fact modern fandom was literally born out of being not canon compliant (*waves aggressively to Spirk shippers*) and this existed on Livejorunal too and there have always been big pockets of fandom that really frowned on sporking even there, like that was not cool when I was on LJ, unless you were a certain age, or in certain spaces in fandom.

But also AO3 was its kind of final death knell re: making it cool to bully 13-16 yo writers (who were largely the victims of sporking) and killing dreams, which was born out of meta happening on LJ and in other places about like... not trying to make people miserable for writing a free fic out of the love in their heart that someone else didn't like or think was good enough.

Anyway, the longer version of this under the read more!

(For everyone else, welcome to some of the uglier aspects of 00s fandom!)

So there was actually criticism around all the stuff you mention 15-20 years ago as well. I was also on Livejournal during that time and there was a pretty big proportion of people in certain fandoms who recognised even then that like... setting up communities to mock say, Mary Sue writers, was actually a pretty weirdly cruel thing to do to people who were providing free labour and the literal only 'payment' they could get in a kind of energy exchange was people just not being complete dickheads to them.

So things were already changing, especially in many LJ communities and awards communities. There were a lot of big debates over whether concrit should be asked for, and a growing movement of authors who said they welcomed constructive criticism for example, instead of assuming it should automatically apply. There was also a lot of meta around the function of fanfiction and whether it should even be 'good' by published standards if the author was just doing it for themselves, and for fun (esp if they were just going to get punished for it by folks who were elitist, judgemental, grammar purists etc.)

Things really changed around the time of AO3 (2009-2010 - literally around 14~ years ago, you may have just missed the big change anon!), Strikethrough and the Dreamwidth exodus. There was a massive swing away from leaving concrit unless the author specifically asked for it, and fandom became a lot more generally able to recognise that a lot of labour goes into fanart and fanfiction and that paying with public criticism is shitty actually. Also people were just more able to recognise that like most fanfiction writers aren't trying to become professional writers and many don't want to be.

(I would actually say things changed around the time of fanfiction.net too - rude comments there were definitely noticed and could create some pretty forward 'hey why are you doing this on something you literally don't have to read' responses from fellow readers - idk what fic sites you were on. The small indie fic sites where you could often only comment via email for example, definitely drew a lot more critical attention than sites that tended to have public comments).

The 'fanfic doesn't need to adhere to canon' literally exists since the very first Spirk slash fic in modern fanfiction in the last few decades. Literally, as soon as you write Kirk/Spock, you're not adhering to canon. Our fanfiction 'ancestors' literally paved the way for a legacy which is about not adhering to canon in order to see the world/s and thing/s you want to see, be entertained by, by turned on by, or enjoy, from the very beginning. You may not have been in slash circles anon, but the foundation of queer same sex fanfic is in many ways the foundation of fandom. But yeah, this is literally where fanfiction started! As soon as you're shipping characters that aren't canon for fun (or for whatever reason), you're making it pretty clear that you want stories different to canon, and you have to change things to often keep those characters in-character.

So yeah! That's been there for decades. Idk what circles you were in on that front! While it was fairly common for a while to criticise characters for being OOC (Out of Character), imho, a lot of folks started to recognise that they literally weren't paying for what they were criticising, and they could just walk away and potentially not like...blast the fanfic. Some folks started to recognise more that people were writing with ESL, or were teenagers (some 40 yos in fandom realised they were mocking literal 15 year olds in their proto-podcasts and websites and realised actually that's just...mean? Really mean? Not the way to nurture new generations of fanfiction writers. Definitely in no way encouraging), or were writing for themselves, or writing for like one other person, or writing for fun, or writing for free, or writing for personal reasons etc.

'Don't Like Don't Read' wasn't just about political stuff, it was also about just walking away if you feel the urge to slam a fanfic in the comments.

I've been in fandom for around 2.5 decades anon, and there were so many spaces that were not actually as shitty or mean-spirited as the ones you were in? Or ones that at least had a lot of different thoughts etc. Like, sporking (mocking/bullying badfics and sometimes the folks who wrote them) was disapproved of by a lot of people in fandom even while sporking was at the height of its popularity (the Fanlore page goes into more detail about this). It might have just been the fandoms you were in, or the people you were hanging out with (and that might have been dependent on your age or just if you were around people who wanted to be 'cool' back then - in the same way that being an 'anti' is cool among certain crowds today. It's possible to spend years in certain crowds and never get an image of broader fandom for example - we can all end up in spaces like that! I know I have.)

When I started writing fanfiction (which no one will EVER find lmao), generally giving positive comments was normal. Constructive criticism was actually pretty rare and there were already fanfiction aggregate sites that generally disapproved of it in their Rules of Conduct. People were encouraging and polite. And this was around 20 years ago on Livejournal and private indie fanfiction websites.

I would actually say there was never exactly an evolution from 'one to the other' because like thousands of people in fandom already believed this and argued in defense of supporting fanfiction and transformative works via accepting that people are labouring for free and that not everyone wants to become a 'better writer' etc. - the meta was there on Livejournal in the 00s. There were communities where sporking was seen as hip/fun, and communities where it was literally banned or at the very least, super frowned upon.

There were meta fandom communities where sporking was the subject of discussion and you know eventually in a lot of those meta communities, that's where a lot of folks decided actually that calling out the fanfiction of 16 yos as 'cringe' or 'badly done' maybe said more about us as human beings and what we wanted fandom to be, than it did about the actual fanfic itself. By the time AO3 came around, people built it with this in mind.

To this day on AO3 it's mostly considered appropriate to say you want concrit in your author's notes, and to otherwise assume as a reader it's never welcome if it's unsolicited. That started during the LJ era. And it was talked about at great length. There's obviously going to be people who disagree! But for the most part I'm a big believer in compassion and 'not everyone is here for the same reason' and 'they literally gave this to us for free and it's meant to be fun' (like yourself! What we do/think/argue 10 years ago on LJ is sometimes different to what we do 10 years later lol, I used to be against trigger warnings pre-AO3! Times change a lot :D )

So yeah, this was definitely something that was around before you and I came to fandom, and it was something that continued to grow as an attitude during, until finally it kind of won out on AO3. But yeah fandom as we know it was born in people literally not being canon compliant to make some gay dreams come true (Spirk shippers bless them all), at a time when there was no representation.

Even in the earliest days of fandom where comments could only happen via email, one of the earliest phrases authors used were things like 'flames will be used to roast marshmallows.' For those reading who don't know, flames are hate comments, critical 'this fic is bad because' comments etc. Except you emailed them directly to the author, because there was no place for comments on a fic.

And this started because authors in part got death threats for writing gay stuff.

So you know, from the very beginning, authors in fanfic have by and large had a very low tolerance for criticism / hate over something they're doing for free and making no profit out of, when they're changing/altering the canon as they please to create representation (or hotness lmao), that is literally a labour of love in a world of very little representation. From there, things have just grown. The whole 'flames will not be tolerated' existed even before Livejournal did.

Honestly there are still people who love sporking and you could probably find groups and Discords dedicated to that even now (actually you literally can, there's a Dreamwidth group for it), it's kind of wild but it started to get cool again. Just like 90s clothing :D (Which is also wild because I can just take that crap out of my closet and wear it again).

But yeah it also sounds like you may have been in some pretty crappy pockets of fandom! When I was on LJ in the 00s I avoided those places and still got to experience fandom across multiple fandoms (mostly NCIS, Captive Prince, HP, Profiler, The X-Files and some others) and communities.

I was super active in some fandom communities and saw a lot of meta happening, and my view during the early and late 00s was that sporking was largely pretty frowned upon after a very brief (like 3-6 month) era where it was cool for only some folks, and then everyone (including some - but not all - of those folks) was like 'heyyyyyyy hang on a minute.' It was something that the bullies did, and enjoyed, and otherwise folks kind of stayed away from it, especially once they learned people were becoming too scared to write fics, which is the inevitable outcome of mocking/bullying folks and fics that have been made purely out of love for something.

Like, publicly making a spectacle out of what a 13 yo (they were often teens - and it's kind of sad how many 40 yo women were doing the sporking :/ ) wrote out of love, just for fun/clout was not considered cool by everyone even back then, because like, a lot of us saw that as killing new generations of fandom (some folks who sporked considered it a win if a fic or account got deleted, this is not based behaviour), not actually creating good writing, internalised misogyny (Mary Sue hatred and self insert hatred), etc. It's hard to explain because I do really think we were in different corners of fandom at the time, but I don't know anyone personally from my time on Livejournal who actually liked sporking as an idea or enjoyed it or enjoyed listening to it or reading articles mocking fic.

I knew about it from very lively 'is this okay' 'actually no it's not even if it's just for fun this is trying to hurt people and saying 'it's just the fic' is not going to be the bandaid a teenager needs to understand why older folks (generally) in fandom are mocking them for being new at a skill' discussions on LJ in meta fandom communities. So this is how much I could be in fandom and not be a part of it and also have like a wildly different experience to your LJ experience!

I think if I'd been a teenager during that era it would have seemed a lot more appealing (in the same way that many teens are antis now before they grow out of it), and fuck it if I was a more bitter person who was just around people who liked to make fun of what other people created, perhaps I would have enjoyed it too, I can see a lot of reasons why a person would fall into that in LJ -> but I was an adult on LJ trying not to be mean to people or what they were creating, so yeah I was maybe just in very different spaces! (Don't get me wrong, I have my giant fucking character flaws, but I was very scared of people hating me so like I didn't want to do things that would make that happen, lol, and also I was scared to put up fic myself during the era of active sporking. I know for myself that sporkers didn't just scare away writers of 'badfic' - they...intimidated a LOT of people).

Before AO3 I was on FF.net, posting fics on LJ, posting on Schnoogle, gossamer, and a couple of other archives. So I don't think my experience was that 'narrow,' I just think I wasn't around like... anime at that time or other places where it might have been happening. I also avoided like...Draco/Malfoy where CC drama was happening and I know sporking was popular in that specific arena / pairing for a while as well (er, as well as anything to do with Mary Sues).

So yeah! That's about where that is. Generally gatekeeping fandom is just seen as not a great thing to do to people, and that creates other kind of beliefs that are generally upheld as being more inviting/nurturing. After all, if someone truly wants to get better at writing, they can ask, or do courses, but as we all know, everyone has to write some bad stuff to get good at it, but not everyone wants to be good. Folks are in fandom for different reasons. I'm rambling now so I'm going to finish my lunch! :D

#asks and answers #pia on fandom #pia on writing #god i do not miss sporking #but it's still happening tbh in some sections of the internet #and it always will!!!#there will always be fics that piss us off or that are just written painfully #generally speaking it's just encouraged to share that with afriend privately #instead of creating a website and recording an interview or discussion or slam #or writing an article for fandom to see #and using BNF energy to chase fic writers out of fandom #it's wild that it was actually around for as long as it was #on LJ #i feel like that was the mean-spirited click-bait era before click-bait then came around #anyway it's grown in popularity again because of Tiktok!#such is life :D

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the-s1lly-corner · 1 year ago

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gender dysphoria comfort for afab reader x spot?? :p

Spot comforting an AFAB/trans reader

Rubs my autistic little hands (in a cool nonbinary way)

Not gonna specify if reader is a trans man/nonbinary or somewhere in between/else where so!!!

Heavy projection on my end because my dysphoria is kinda. Raging

But also idk how to comfort myself so this is gonna translate into spot bouncing around

It shows so bad that I!! Am bad at outright comfort <\3

Happy pride by the by! Not sure if I said that over here yet

YEEEAAAAAH 4am posting REAL

Right off the bat I wanna make it clear that this man would snag some stuff for you

Of course he does this in general, but hes more than willing to get you things that may help you express yourself

Clothes, are a big one! Need a new wardrobe? Hes already on it! Same applies to other things you may need

On the fence on if he would snag some hormones for you; since he doesnt wanna risk taking them from someone else

Actually ykw

Bros a scientist

Be can probably make his own solutions

Anyways onto the actual

Ask

Admittedly Spot is not the best at comforting others, so his go to is self projection; if that makes sense

Applies what he knows cheers him up to you?? Like venting and physical affection can help him get through rough patches, so he'll try to urge you to vent during a cuddle session

Reinforces that you look handsome; though hes down with calling you anything if that isnt your cup of tea

Hes a scientist, he does research! Listens to every word you say and sucks up any information regarding the topic he can find

Offers some tips on passing, if that's what you need

OOOOOH BRAIN BLAST

You guys have self care days together as is, but you guys tend to have them on days things get rough

Basic.. self care things. Low stress activities, you both go shopping (stealing) (hes wearing s shitty disguise), things like that

He toooootally doesnt target anyone who purposefully gets your pronouns or name wrong! What? What do you mean that rude person lost everything out of no where, y/n? He doesn't know what you're talking about, he doesn't know anything about anyone

Easily your biggest fan and supporter, your personal hypeman

Generally he let's you know that he loves you, and that regardless of how you present youre amazing and valid. He may not know the best way to comfort you all the time, but he's trying his best to hear you out and advocate for you! While he may not be the most... ferocious.. man out there, but he's quite vocal to anyone who dares try to tell you otherwise! Whether you present more feminine, masculine, or androgynous; he'll be right at your side

Also now that I think about it, if he got his hands on the material he'd definitely try to make a way to literally. Just change your sex right there to align with how you feel

If the dude can make a mini collider on his own he can probably make the transgenderinator

#atsv #atsv spot #spot x reader #the spot #the spot x reader #jonathan ohnn #jonathan ohnn x reader

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riki-riks-chick · 6 months ago

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Could you make a series about this about younger shorter reader(ps reader is 5’2) x older taller Niki (She has lots of school work and her after school work and also she lives with her parents, she plays handball and is really god but don’t have time to traine a lot because of her home life. She also has a older sister and her dad is a really shitty person like he is her father but not a dad like he’s never home and has another family and he treats their mom like trash, while her mom tries her best to provide but the mother issue is she favorites reader sister (readers sister is 4 years older than reader) no matter what reader does her mom always chooses her sister but she does it in a way that make it seem like she is not favoriting her sister. Reader and her sister both work to help support their mom but everything comes crashing down on reader and she is scared at first to open up to Niki but he is there for her and comforts her, could you also make the reader a victim of bullying in school and she also isn’t dumb but not smart either and she got a text from Niki telling her to come over but when she arrives he isn’t there. She bottling up her feelings and one of the members make a joke that wasn’t bad but reader is just sensitive. When Niki arrived they have cute moments together but not any pda because reader is too shy…. Like reader is really struggling mentally but Niki always makes her day and she is sometimes sad without him but her mom and sister also makes her smile just sometimes she only needs her boyfriend. One last thing reader is a bit clingy and sometimes spams Niki and when he doesn’t respond or respond kinda short bc of woke she starts overthinking and gets sad and distance herself from him witouht knowing, she always seek validation from Niki, happy ending…. Sorry for this long as request but I was just writing a bit of my life and your my favorite writer and idk just randomly had the nerve to read something like this and you always deliver🙃

just for u I'll consider making a five part series (gotta learn abt handball). I don't intend on doing series on tumblr, but I'll do this one.

I hope you're okay since you said this is based on your life a bit. And I'm honored to be your favorite writer.

When I write this I'll try my best to do it well. Please look forward to it ♥

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sniigura-archive · 7 months ago

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Birthgasm anon here to tell you to write what you want! Idk why people are getting freaked out about the foot stuff (it's one thing if they're joking, but if they're being serious...???), I don't have a foot fetish myself, but I firmly believe all fetishes are valid and what matters most is that no real people are getting hurt (and Adam and Reader aren't real people so yeah). Tbh I find it annoying watching people treating their favorite creatives like they betrayed them or something because said creatives made something that didn't 100% line up with their personal tastes. Puritanism kills creativity, people need to chill and practice "Don't Like, Don't Read" more. Sorry for the rant lol. Have a good day and keep being self-indulgent. <3

ily birthgasm anon you’re the only one who gets me during these tiring times (having one foot scene in my fanfic) /j except the ily that’s serious as hell

i agree with you big time. as long as everything is properly tagged it shouldn’t be a problem

idk i kinda freaked out myself because actually im going to overshare real quick. my best friend got cancelled on twitter for sexualising woman (drawing half naked ladies with big tits (she’s also a woman for more context)?????) and for writing a fanfic which was like for her first and for most. basically it had a character she hc as trans masc and a gangbang and people were losing it, calling her a fetisher and stuff 😭😭 which is just insane to me like just don’t read it??????? i’m trans masc and the only thing going through my mind while reading that was „man i wish i was in a gangbang rn“ bskabsjdjd LIKE THOSE PEOPLE EXTRA LOOKED FOR ALL HER ACCOUNT ANF EVERYTHING. anyways long story short i was scared someone was also now going to create a shitty doc of me

purity culture really does mess everything up like BROOOO. if you see nudity and immediately think it’s sexual YOURE the weirdo. sex is good and natural. nakedness isn’t inherently sexual. everyone should be able to practice their fetishes and kinks as long as it’s between consenting adults who caresssssssss

#sorry this is very much tmi #you don’t have to read all that #ask

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boxwinebaddie · 6 months ago

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hi uncle nina! sorry if this is kinda overbearing, but you havent posted anything today so i just wanna check in and make sure youre doing okay! <3

oh my god, sweetheart!!! this is not overbearing AT ALL! this is extremely thoughtful and makes me feel extremely validated. <3

i'm sorry for causing concern, but ty for being concerned about me.

because the school year is coming to a close, things around me at work have been pretty intense, so i've been tossed around like a ragdoll the past week and haven't had much time to write as a result. i also haven't been sleeping very well and rush a lot in the mornings, so i've forgotten to take my mood stabilizer the past couple of days which makes me v sluggish, zombie-ish and unpleasant in general. :/

...when i am like that, as a weird way of sparing you, i suppose, i try not to post on here too much because it feels quite shitty indeed for you to get a notification for my blog just to watch me bitch n moan.

however, i have taken my medication today and feel bad for fumbling kyle week...as we know i'm not really good at holding myself accountable or making deadlines. oddly enough, it's not that i don't want to answer my questions, it's just that other than not being able to really find the time recently, i just can't find the right...words?

( this ask is long and irrelevant, but read if you wish. ilysm. )

or, rather, i don't feel knowledgeable enough the subjects to answer? specifically in the areas of my tsot/tfbw styles and ncuniverses, i feel a little insecure because i don't know sp or the games as well as many other people do, so i'm trying to speed watch episodes/watch speed runs of the games online so i can at least keep some canon intact?

i also am finding that creating and understanding how high fantasy universes work is...difficult? lmao? also because i did crazy stuff with mutations and science and politics in my tfbw ncuniverse, that's also complicated and out of my wheelhouse...tldr: i have big ideas, but i'm not very good at backing them in fact or doing analytical stuff.

but...iiiiii need to, lmao. mental illness, but if i make a universe it has to be fully realized, it has to all make as much sense as possible, echo the canon, enhance it, feel real and be fluid...so if i'm not around too much it's because i'm trying to bolster myself with my sp knowledge ( ik, i'm a fake fan ) and watch/read/research high fantasy concepts and superhero/scientific fiction/dystopian stuff...so if anyone has any recommendations for me to watch or learn from in those realms, i'd appreciate it. again, this is intense...but i care a lot about my craft.

and specifically crafting something worthy of all of you, that makes sense, lives and breathes, reflects the show we love & is interesting.

ANYWAYS!!!! with that said, i got a cool ask about whether or not i have a gunslinger kyle? which? not yet? BUT YOU'RE A GENIUS BABY I AM SOOOOO ON IT!!! please let me cook and watch some things because actually, oh my god, i am very down. i'll update you. i might make a board to gather ideas, omg, omg, it'll be SPICY.

i got an ask about princess kylie, which, bless you, i am also still developing her character, i am going to pour over the books, watch some GOT, do some mapping out, watch some intricate dnd play throughs...and have some answers for you very soon: hang on, baby.

( she's little, bitchy, prissy and does need to be babysat, i'm afraid. )

got some on jersey i'm excited about! sorry for writing that ask meme about the sour skittles like that, again, writing has been trying for me lately and i had a concept that i wanted to share but wasn't sure how to express that. if you guys are alright with getting my asks in the form of notes some times i would appreciate it! anyways, keep your eyes out for some of those...if kyle week runs into next week, sorry.

idk...this is so long. all this to say...i'm really sorry? i haven't been a very solid creator lately, but i'm a little unstable rn. but i am working on it and i hope to be back on the horse by tonight and share my notes at least and show you guys how my brain is working.

in the mean time, please direct as many questions as you would like in the direction of riley, teri and ana who not only are epic writers but have been an epic support system/helping me get back into things.

thank you for caring, thank you for reading...keeping up with this blog and the questions and creating constantly is sometimes challenging, but very rewarding. i promise that i am not neglecting my asks or all of you because i don't care, its actually because i care very much and only want to give you stuff that is awesome and cool and well researched. so, again, just give me a second to get my barings and while it kind of eats at my bad bpd brain i might try and share stuff with you guys that's half baked because the feedback might help.

tldr: i love you, this made no sense, i'm a mess, but i am fine.

miss you and love you. happy kyle week.

-uncle nina

#sorry this is such a mess #tldr i am busy and a little unstable and my writing has been blah but i'm very into intense world building rn #and i want to do more research and figure stuff out before i try to randomly dish out answers #but i'm thinking now that maybe i should just tell yall what i'm thinking and see how you feel? idk #i do work hard on my character stuff so i hope u enjoy it #but yeah high fantasy is specifically hard for me so i'm watchin movies and reading books and stuff which is dorky #accuracy means a lot to me and its the only way i get relaxed when i feel comfortable in my characters and worlds #political stuff and sciencey stuff is also hard #i also dont even know how accurate that is to the tfbw plotline in actual sp so im trying to watch the show and play #the games idk im worried none of this is canon enough #bc i dont want it to all be fart jokes and asisnine but i do want them to be accurate to the show at least a little #nina stop bastardizing the sp canon #otherwise i am excited to answer my kyle questions i promise i have just been frazzled ill try to do stuff tonight #thanks for sticking with me and i really hope this makes sense i feel like i sound crazy i just...want to do good work #thats all i dont like to do work that feels shitty or lazy and in order to not do that i take a while to think

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gardenerian · 1 year ago

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Idk if you’ve said something about this already but what do you think about the Gallavich fight in S10E08? How do you feel about Ian’s broken leg?

oh wheeew, you know, i don't know if i have talked about this much? but boy howdy, do i have plenty of thoughts.

so like. okay. i get it? i get it. it's so fucking painful for both of them. ian has been trying to protect mickey from day one - the job for his parole in s2, trying to stop frank from getting popped, keeping him on the straight and narrow (mostly) in s11. so getting married to keep him out of jail? easy.

meanwhile, mickey is having the same conversation. so while the concept is not new to him, he's surprised ian would actually suggest it. to him, he it's a crappy reason to get married. it's not romantic, it's not grand and beautiful like they deserve. but in trying to keep each other safe, it's one of the more romantic things i've ever heard. still, he wants ian to propose to him, not to this problem. and that is so valid!!! after everything they have been through, this isn't how he saw their married life starting - if he ever really let himself go there at all.

i do think ian believes it to his core when he says that this is not the only reason they'd be getting married - just like i think he believes it when he gets in the car to go to mexico. he loves mickey, he wants to be with mickey. but in this case, the drive to do it now and like this is absolutely to protect him. and the decision really isn't that hard, like he says.

but when that factor of keeping mickey out of prison is taken out of the equation, i think ian gets a little whiplash? like oh holy shit we almost just did that??? over the course of a day??? so while mickey is up and ready to go, having gone all in - as he often does - ian is suddenly faced with the reality that the only thing mickey is getting out of this is HIM. and it freaks him the fuck out.

ian picks up the pen and i think every unresolved insecurity hits him all at once. and honestly? even if he handled it poorly, and i do believe he did, taking a moment to cool down and check in was probably a good idea. now that they don't have to rush it, is this how they want to do it? is this really what mickey wants? can ian even give it to him? they deserve the time to answer these questions, ya know? and whereas mickey might be willing to figure it out as they go, we know ian doesn't quite trust that he can do that. this changes a bit, but in the moment i think he just couldn't see past it.

so what drives me insane about this fight is that he does try to talk, even if he says a million wrong things in a row. but even if ian wants to talk, mickey is well within his rights not to hear him. he's well within his rights to get out of this immediate situation that is hurting him. ian IS hurting him, and it's important to acknowledge that.

BUT. i do not like the way people respond to ian saying "i just wanna know how you feel" because. agh. YES mickey has shown his love time and again, and ian has felt it time and again.... but when it comes to things like this, sometimes you just need to hear it. and then hear it again. with minds like ours, it can be hard to just trust our own experience or understanding, ESPECIALLY in emotionally charged moments when things already feel warped and scary. he needed time to sort through it all. once he was in, HE WAS IN. we know this!

so for ian to stand there like that, asking for what he needs... and wanting to talk about it..... only to be hit in the fucking face? gross. i hate it. it's fucking terrible. and again, mickey is WELL within his rights to leave ian standing there. he's well within his rights to say FUCK YOU and rage and stomp and let ian know exactly how he feels. i honestly think ian kinda deserved that. mickey doesn't owe him emotional clarity or work in that moment. mickey feels like he's only worth marrying because he can't keep himself out of trouble, and that's gotta be a shitty fucking feeling after everything. he feels like ian led him on, and he's valid to feel that way, even if i think even ian couldn't see the path he was taking. but really. ian did let him down.

but like. he didn't have to hit him. i don't know how you look at the face of someone you were just willing to MARRY and then do that? i know they needed to write cam's broken leg into the storyline, but honestly fuck that. it would have been just as easy for ian to break his leg falling while trying to run after mickey. and then? mickey easily could have been like "well here's your phone call 911 SEE YA" or even "hey i called 911 okay SEE YA" or perhaps "okay i brought you to the ER in this cab now SEE YA"

so.... like i said, i get it. the conflict is true to character. it's HORRIBLE to see, but it does make sense. i would personally restructure the entire 10th season to give this storyline more breathing space. but yeah. this where i lean heavily on fix-it fics lol 😇

#as it turns out..... had a lot to say #whoops #chime in with thoughts #mel answers #gallavich meta

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luetta · 4 months ago

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kinda wanna block every single person who i follow or follows me and start anew. i hate what my tumblr feed is now. its all fucking horny transposting and shitty online memes. it makes me feel so fucking stupid and vapid that is what i've curated my tumblr into being ... it just feels lame. if i was another person and i looked at luetta's blog, i wouldn't follow it. there's no analysis on media i like, any media that does appear is through a transgender lens. no aesthetics, just lewdness. and of course thinking about all of this, instead of just not giving a fuck about how my own personal blog is perceived, makes me feel like an idiot also. who gives a fuck? someone who still craves validation from others like a friendless little child, that's who. this website gives me dysphoria. and that's fucking cringe. i'm so lame. i'm a cookie cutter trans girl. blahaj and :3 and xdf htskligyterwuik girwa htuirog8yreabiraejk WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT SUBCULTURE YOU FIT INREGYT0IUTREHY 9E8TYU OJHTERYSU8YTERWMS8N 76E50W9TRW0 97Bwhat am i fucking even saying. i'm literally substanceless. i have no depth whatsoever. i've read no books. i've watched no movies. i've travelled to no places. i've experienced so little. i've literally done 1 single fucking thing in my life and that's figure out 6 years too late that i'm trans. woopdie doo. i did the bare minimum of introspection that comes with being a human. this is real life, i have to do more than that. i can't just sit in my room doing fucking NOTHING forever. i just need to suck it up and get a proper job and interact with people instead of just being content with doing nothing and fading away and then one day turning 40 and realising i've done nothing at all with my prime years. why is my brain so 9uhfeargu8io sdefrgu hypigfsd8dgsfht sgdftj puist ghreiouoy erthgt43qghrlyuv4qetwyulo4v53q2khglyiv354oiuy why do i just fucking keep on thinking about things it never fucking stops. there's never a single moment of respite from thinking about shit. i fucking hate my country, i just want weed to be legalised so i can do edibles every night and not have to fucking think constantly. but nooo i have to live in a fucking .... okay just going to stop typing because it's fucking cringe like every other opinion i have. you know what im going to type about instead? my ex-friend tom. you're a fucking piece of shit. why did you do this shit man? i don't fucking get it. literally what did i do for you to decide "i don't want to ever utter a SINGLE FUCKING WORD to you ever again". like what? we literally were connecting at such a deep friendship level. you pretty much came out to me when i came out to you. we hugged so tightly when we watched the succession finale together. and then you just fucking went AWOL. and yeah i get that you got addicted to benzos and went to rehab. but like ....... why does that mean you don't want to be my friend anymore? idk. i probs did something wrong because i'm a fuckup with fluctuating feelings and did something when i was in a 'fuck this guy' mood. urgh. idk. all my friends right now are cool but i still haven't found someone who shared so many similar interests as me. you're just a cunt to do this shit and make me have to get over you without any closure. i fucking hate myself. i just want to be someone else. throw all my belongings into a big fire and burn it up. go on a manic spree and fuck up my life. life just sorta sucks doesnt it? the fact that you have to work a fuckton and give away your body and time just so you can do things you want to do. i have dreams that ill never achieve probably. because i can't fucking do work. also my fucking boss is fucking dodging me about taking on more shifts than 1 every 3 weeks so i guess theyve fucking fired me. time to not be able to be on government support anymore !! because i need to work in order to keep it apparently !! good system. the purpose of a system is what it does. it wants you to suffer and die for not being a normal tall white man who works 10 hours a day in the auto shop. i hate everything i see. i'm unhappy.

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liesmyth · 2 years ago

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okay here's MY tlt hot take. im saying this on anon cuz i need to be put in witness protection for this.

i think harrow's overrated.

or, better put: i think harrow's fans are annoying and make me like the character less.

like the POINT of harrow is that she occupies this privileged role and does horrible things with her power BUT is sympathetic in that she undergoes her own hardships. that's fair - textually, harrow is very interesting!

but harrow fans act like the whole solar system revolves around her. like ntn makes it pretty clear that muir is doing something with the butch martyr trope (i think kiriona's life and resentment is commentary), but fans are like 'no literally all gideon was good for is dying for harrow. harrow is the saddest most special girl in the world. she's literally the single most important character who has ever existed she has done nothing wrong she is flawless and immune to criticism' and when the fandom takes the OTHER Māori characters (namely john and wake) and flattens them to 'true evil' it's annoying to see harrow get woobified! like idk harrow stans are just a specific breed of 'the world revolves around the most special girl ever'

I THINK I KNOW WHO SENT THIS. I am honoured though that you chose MY askbox to be a receptacle of such salt, I'm not worthy etc.

Ok I actually HAVE seen this opinion before. I kinda see where woobie Harrow is coming from — Harrow is sad! So many characters in-universe think she's cool and special and love her! She has a shitload of Issues that make her relatable! — but it's also just the nature of fandom things that fandom loves to pick one scrappy character to be the most specialest meow meow etc. and it sucks when you're a fan of a character who's just as much of a special woobie and gets flattened and overlooked. "Fans of X made me hate X" is a tale as old as time and 100% valid... who hasn't been there.

That said, I think it's gotten better post-Nona? Maybe? IDK, I think NtN does a good job showing us glimpses of the wider 'verse and cast of characters (many of whom are also sad in fandom-appealing way) and then there's Kiriona who's THE saddest girl in the universe, so I feel like the narrative is sort of lampshading that hey! this other girl is also sad. Though it might also be that I'm not seeing any bad takes bc my dash is great and I barely venture into the main tags

Anyway MY hot take on this is that I need Gideon to be happy a tad more than I need Harrow to be happy and I think Gideon is the biggest woobie meow meow. I love Harrow to bits but also the other day I was reading a fic set before the beginning of GtN and I was like, wait maybe Harrow lobotomising herself for Gideon is the least she could do. Maybe she was right to feel so guilty that she cut into her own brain :3

They're both fucked up! They're sad! They were dealt a shitty hand in life! But Gideon hits my sad buttons more. And I think Harrow would agree with me tbh.

#Anonymous #unpopular opinion asks

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my-lunaberg · 2 years ago

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Ohhhhh this is reminding me of this great c!Sam analysis i read on here hopefully I can find it again sometime, which basically said that Sam does a lot of immoral things while also wanting to be just and in the right more than anything else. I was reminded of it bc when I read that I immediately thought it had something to do with a need for validation (and maybe to a certain extend a need for affection?) and it really jumped out during this january 31st 2022 vod because Sam keeps trying to reassure himself that hes not an idiot and once Dream arrives he starts looking to him to reassure him of that. I should say that I dont think that has anything to do with Dream specifically, I think its just because hes the only person who could visit him and hes otherwise completely isolated

Also, like with Tommy during their most recent confrontation, Dream seems to be trying a lot less to actually manipulate Sam into liking him and treating him like a friend that you cant disobey at all costs because otherwise he'll threaten you with eternal torture and is focusing more on just tormenting him. To compare this to Tommys exile, on the very first day Dream was just insulting Tommy but then he immediately went over to being all nice and trying to befriend him (while also yknow, blowing up his stuff), but here he insults Sam on day one and keeps doing it on day two, although he has thrown him a crumb or two on both days. Its too eaely to really tell right now, but this is either him realizing his mistake and trying to change his strategy a bit or him being sloppier because he stopped caring. In case you couldnt tell, Im very much tending toward that last option. I think those few crumbs of "positivity" are either him wanting to deliberately torment Sam more by giving him these little crumbs of goodness which contrast against the torment and make it all the more pronounced, or him just kinda being in the habit of manipulating people and doing stuff like this almost reflexively. One of the many reasons why I like c!Dream so much and why I can get quite defensive and upset about other people disliking and/or misintrepreting him is that I relate to him a lot especially his manipulative tendencies bc I can also be quite shitty and manipulative at times, so like, Ive been there lol. Once you have this habit of attempting to manipulate people into doing what you want, its kinda hard to stop even when manipulating someone isnt even your goal. This is pretty complex and hard to explain but for me its that I often have to concentrate to not do it when Im around adults in particular, because my manipulative tendencies mostly 'come out' when Im in situations that upset me and that I want to leave and most of those involve adults. I would imagine Dream has a similar thing, except instead of his "trigger" being Having To Talk To Adults its like, Being Presented With Someone Vulnerable. Dont really know if that makes a whole lot of sense, I'll probably do a really long c!Dream character analysis once I finish the series where I might try to elaborate on these points/explain them more succinctly

Also Idk, Im not that far into it yet but Im noticing a fixation on trying to get Sam to admit that he was wrong and/or a hypocrite. i dont really have anything to say about that right now but I did think it was interesting. To kinda tie it back into my point about Sam wanting validation and to be seen as just, i guess Sam admitting it was wrong of him to imprison Dream or that hes a hypocrite for imprisoning him could signal him getting malleable/harmless and, since Sam would have to admit it to himself before admitting it to Dream it might damage his mental health a fair bit

#livebloggin dsmp #dream smp #c!dream #c!sam

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th3-bl00d-on-yr-hands-rom3o · 4 days ago

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please expand on your green eggs opinions I love hearing your takes :0

oookay heres my green eggs and ham take, which i may add to the original post idk but i would probs get flamed by OP.

I think it's important to consider that for the case of green eggs and hams specifically, tumblr is not only the piss on the poor website it is also the autism website. A fairly common experience amoung autistic children is constantly being forced to eat foods you can't stand, because many autistic people have aversions to certain foods. Green eggs and ham, where a guy repeatedly tries to force another guy to eat something despite him constantly saying no, reads like this to someone who has experienced that, which is a little shitty if you ask me. Not saying the message of the book - that trying new things is good - is bad, but it's important to acknowledge that people will view texts through the lense of their own life experience, circumstances and culture, and different people will get different things from texts and make different associations. Peoples personal responses to texts are valid.

Also the thing about boundaries. Like the guy repeatedly says I do not want green eggs and ham go away and leave me alone. Sam I am keeps randomly turning up places and inconvenicecing this guy, trying to force him to eat green eggs and ham. That's kind of really not cool, and even if Sam was right that green eggs and ham taste good and the guy enjoyed them at the end, the ends do not justify the means. He said he didn't want green eggs and ham. Sam made him eat them anyway by constantly harassing him about it. That's not ok. No means no. Sam should'vd left him the fuck alone after one or maybe two times of him telling him he didn't want them.

Sam is getting literally nothing out of this. It's not like the guy needs to eat green eggs and ham or he'll die, its literally just a food and it's not at all important but Sam will not let it go until the other guy gives up, which is kinda shitty of him.

I think most of this only matters if you're trying to use literature for moral instruction. If you're just reading it because its a funny story or the language is poetic, that's totally cool, but if people are trying to get a moral or some kind of teaching out of kids books - like using green eggs and ham to show that trying new things is good - then it is important to consider the message of the whole book and the kind of behaviour it encourages and the connotations certain things have. You can't pick and choose what morals you take out of a text, you've gotta accept it as a whole, because thats how people see it when they read it without analysing it like they're in an english lesson. Yes green eggs and ham says that it's good to try new things. It also shows that this guy is a killjoy and a looser for saying he doesn't want to try something, and it's perfectly justified for someone else to drive him up the wall and not give him any peace until he gives in, because it's for his own good.

I've been trying really really hard not to use a metaphor about sex and consent this whole time because i know ill get laughed out of here for saying green eggs and ham is like sex, because that's fucking stupid, but also I think there's something to be said about how agreeing to something under duress isn't consent, and it's important to respect peoples boundaries about things in every day life. Like I said. If we're using these books to teach people lessons about how to behave (and that's a pretty big if), you've gotta consider what behavious they're actually modeling.

For the record, having said all this, I don't think there's anything wrong with reading green eggs and ham. It's just a book. It's not that serious. But if you're gonna get pissy about reading comprehension and use green eggs and ham as an example, you better be prepared for people to actually have some literary takes and analysis on green eggs and ham.

Idk i never really had strong feelings towards the book as a child but we rately read it because my mum didn't like it because she thought Sam was bullying the guy.

#alright its midnight i just took half an hour writing that wtf #heres my green eggs and ham take #do yall dare me to reblog it to the post

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blokecorelouis · 2 months ago

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honestly

just had the most annoying experience. i’ve been looking forward to clubbing for like a year now and my friend just came to visit to go clubbing and have fun and she literally just bailed on those plans an hour before we were set to leave. AND i had included another friend in these plans who I THEN HAD TO BAIL ON LIKE AN HOUR FROM GOING OUT. and another friend who is kind of a new friend who i also had to bail on. and she bailed because she has a fucking cough. i understand that health anxiety and health ocd suck but also like fucking why AN HOUR BEFORE WE WERE GONNA LEAVE ??? like take a fucking xanax or something. ik im being a cunt right now but im kind of pissed. also my partner has been like struggling with sex stuff and the idea of polyamory keeps coming up and i dont even know if i want that but like it feels like im already reassuring them all the time so despite what they say it feels like it isnt an option. idk i just wish everyone was on my wavelength and ik thats not how life works but sometimes that fucking sucks. like why am i 23 and i barely have sex once a week, make like $500 a week which is barely enough to survive, and i also havent been to a club in over a year. also i wish my partner liked clubbing but they dont. i just wish i didnt feel like im missing out on so much. ik i still have time but fuck it feels like even when i try to go out and be young and dumb and full of cum im being blocked from that experience. now its 2 am and instead of like stumbling out of a club and calling an uber im sitting in bed typing up this mess of a post on tumblr while my partner sleeps next to me and my friend probably scrolls through tiktok. and thats the other thing is instead of trying to salvage the evening and enjoy hanging out inside and drinking margs and having homemade dinner it was fucking depressing because she was mad at herself for not going out and it was just lame. like there was no reason for this night to feel boring and i feel like a precious saturday night was wasted. i know im just feeling like an asshole right now but tbh i wish i couldve just gone out with the other friends i had to cancel on and let her be mad at herself alone. but frankly i think that wouldve made me a kind of shitty friend and partner since my partner would have had to stay with her and have an awkward night. just overall feeling annoyed and wishing i had my partner to talk to about this but by the time my partner and i can actually talk its gonna be like three days from now after i come home from work. i hate my fucking job !!!! i wanna get out of food and bev so bad but i need the money right now. i have to remind myself it will end or i feel suicidal. also ik its not a big deal about clubbing tonight but this friend just lets her anxiety rule her life sometimes and i feel for her but also its shitty when that effects other people. and i kinda dont know what to do about my partner situation im feeling kind of trapped which sucks cause im so in love with them but idk i think i wanna consider couples therapy but they said they want to go to individual therapy first which is valid but they havent gone. and i get that it can be scary and triggering for people but i need something to change or i guess i need to settle for just wishing we had more sex. am i entitled for wanting more? i feel like every other part of our relationship is so great and the sex used to be so frequent and it just doesnt feel the same. i need to go back to therapy so fucking bad. idk im just having a shitty night and i wish it had gone differently. thanks for listening tumblr void.

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domesticated-whores · 3 months ago

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unfortunately, I feel like I'm dying here. this man left work seeming pissed off and hasn't messaged me all afternoon. it's been like 5 hours. he at least messages me a little every day and I never have to reach out first. I know it was a kinda shitty day, but idk beyond that and our job is fucking terrible as is so I wouldn't think a shitty day would keep him from bugging me a bit. like, it's even less that he needs to give me attention every day forever (tho that's true too, ngl) and more that he has been talking to me daily for about 2 1/2 months now without fail so for it to have reached evening and not heard from him is weird and has only happened maybe once or twice.

anyway, messaged him about an hour ago and have heard nothing. currently both annoyed and concerned. it hits night time and I'm contacting his roommate. not in an obsessive type way and i hope it doesnt read as that, but in a "this man hasn't missed a day for probably 3 months now, just confirm that he's fine for me because that change is sudden and wasn't communicated with me beforehand" way. no idea how to properly word it to this guy that I've basically not ever interacted with outside of as coworkers, but also I think that'd be a valid worried response to not hearing anything from him suddenly?? it isn't like I'd be telling him to tell my dude to text me right now immediately, it's just making sure that nothing serious or anything happened, yeah?

#whores lovesick musings

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ambersky0319 · 10 months ago

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I am feeling

Conflicted

Ramblings below cut

So I got an email from an old friend a little over a week ago that I only just now saw because I haven't really been checking that email much (I've slowly been changing accounts for things to a different one and so I. Don't really need to check this one much)

Except the old friend is from the best friend who I drifted away from once we started high school (specifically once quarantine hit) cause like. While we were on the same campus we were in different schools so schedules didn't align, and there wasn't many ways we could talk bc after quarantine she didn't have a phone (her choice, totally valid) and I didn't really do casual emails w friends (too formal for me, + I used to only check my email like. Once a day) so like. We didn't really communicate

And then she went and told my sib that no one (not even me) cares about them (granted, I don't have the friend's side, but I know my sib and they were going through a shitty mental health period AND admitted they were scared to tell me about the incident. And, I knew my friend. Sib and I didn't have the best relationship, and she was my best friend during that time, and used to make fun of sib a lot when she came over or sib was just generally around. She was not, however, around when sib and I's relationship improved. So I wouldn't put it past her to say something like that to my sib.)

So. I was pissed. And just didn't contact her, even when her mom reached out to my grandma (I was never more glad that my cousin was graduating the same day as her, so I had an excuse to miss her graduation)

Keep in mind, as far as I know, she still considered us friends? I think? I remember her introducing me to her other friends as her best friend but like. Most of the time the last time we had exchanged ANY words had been? Months apart???

So I wasn't really considering her among my friends much at the time. And the last time I remember speaking with her, I was with a different friend, and I just felt. Weird about it. Like the way she talked, it reminded me so much of like, how we were in middle school? Except. I had definitely changed a lot since then, so it felt. Really off.

So that confused me.

ANYWAYS

Back to the email. I have a bit of a reply typed up, but I'm conflicted about sending it

So I'm gonna ramble about my thoughts on what she said in hers

It was pretty short, so I'll go in order of what was mentioned

Condolences for my mom's death

I'll be real, I forgot my mom died. I'm pretty sure I had been saying she was dead LONG before that, for no other reason than I thought she had already died. Either way, I genuinely hadn't cared.

She even says she knows we didn't have a good relationship (yeah, no contact with an abusive parent is definitely just a "not good" relationship, one which she WAS around for the aftermath of because! We became friends about a year after I had left that house!) but that it probably still stings, and that she's here for me if I wanna talk

Also she says "them" so I'm assuming she might also be including my dad in that sentence but? Idk???

Either way idk how to feel about this point.

"I know I haven't really been a good friend or best friend"

I mean, neither have I technically? But I genuinely didn't realize she still even considered us friends after like most of our time in high school not talking. Junior year we MAYBE talked for like. 3 minutes at a time

And like. With online friends? The time passed for me to stop considering them friends is MUCH longer than irl friends. Idk why that is for me, but it just is.

So like. She was an acquaintance at most to me at this point. Maybe I should have made more of an effort, but I'll be honest, I just. Didn't want to

Anyway this was followed by saying she hasn't been doing well the past couple of years and like. I feel for her. The last couple years haven't been easy on me either. Glad she's doing better now

I'm also kinda assuming that this part was an apology. But it's more like. An acknowledgement? Like there's no actual apology for not really being a friend or anything?

Still surprised she's sent me an email

Compliments the fan reference project she's seen on my insta

She has never interacted, afaik, with my insta account. She says she doesn't use it herself but checked out my account through her mom's account

Never really reached out to me there or anything either. And like, that's fine. But idk. I just felt a little weird about that. Not about using her mom's account, not even checking out my account. But like. I kinda got whiplash? Because the email was more serious before this and like, cool she likes my art, cool she's still doing art, but why mention it? In an email where you talk about family deaths and mental health???

Idk. Maybe a way to try reconnecting? Find some common ground?

Mentions her own personal loss then well-wishes

This is the main reason I'm conflicted about replying

Because I saw who this email was from in my inbox. And frankly, I was tempted to not read it. I was tempted to just clear it out because I was clearing out my inbox for the first time in weeks

But I decided, what the heck, why not? Because I haven't spoken to her since probably early 2023, if that, and I was curious about what she could have possibly emailed me about

And like. I could just delete it. Move on with my life and forget about it. Ignore the email entirely and not respond

But. That feels pretty shitty? Especially since her mom and my grandma are still in contact? (maybe??? Idk I asked my grandma to just not mention my friend or her mom to me)

So like. I have a reply written up.

I explained how I felt about my mom's death, because frankly I don't want people thinking I cared about her. I apologized for not being a good friend either. And sending my condolences for her loss. Wishing her and her family the best.

The thing is. I'm. Hesitating to send it

Because she started off the email by saying she'll be getting a new phone and number soon, and will be sending me it once she gets it. And the thing is. I don't? Really know if I want that?

Like. Part of me wants to talk again. If only to see if she's changed, and to hear what she has to say about what she told my sibling. Maybe reconnect, depending on the outcome. Because she was my best friend for four years and this is also a clear attempt to try connecting again on her part, and I'd feel bad not at least, idk, getting closure on the relationship?

Part of me though, just kinda. Doesn't want to even try reconnecting. Just. Leave that era of my life behind (with her along with it).

So. I'm not commenting on that in my email.

I'll. Probably send the email. Mostly to share my condolences. I don't plan on saying I'm here if she wants to talk, that would be unfair to her. We aren't close anymore, I was barely able to be there for my sib when our mom died (because they WERE affected by her death) and the fact that I genuinely don't know if I'd even want to reconnect... It's selfish on my part I think, but I really wouldn't want to make false promises about something that serious

Anyways

This ended up longer than I was expecting it to be

#amber's shit you can ignore

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