#idk how to use it if im being honest
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cw: use of she/her, vent, reader just does not feel good, kinda sucky
“Hey”
“Hi”
“…Are you okay?”
Stupid. What a stupid thing to ask. The life looked sucked out of her, and her undereyes were shades darker than her actual skin tone. Of course she wasn’t okay, but he’d only hope she’d answer the question truthfully. He was desperate for any answer. Seeing her like this pulled at his heart. It made him feel useless.
“No.” thank god.
“Why is that?“
“I don’t know. I want to scream at you, and start an argument for no reason at all.”
“Then scream at me.”
“No. There’s definitely better ways to go about what I’m feeling I just…”
He doesn’t say anything after that, just takes a seat in the spot next to her. They sit in silence. To her, it seems like forever, but it’s only been a couple seconds.
Her brain’s pumping out thoughts faster than what she can process. God. Where does she even start. All she wants to do is blow up. Make him see her how she sees herself. Make him hate her, despise her even.
She feels sick. Disgusting. Her stomach’s wrenching, and all she wants to do is throw up her insides just as proof that there’s something inside her.
“I haven’t been feeling the best.. if it wasn’t obvious. I don’t know what it is. Actually I do know, but it’s just so much I feel like I’ll overload your brain and you’ll explode right in front of me.”
“Well, I’m not sure if you know how bodies work, but I definitely won’t explode,” he laughs out.
That sound puts her at ease. Just a little. She stares blankly at the ground in front of her. She wants tears to come out, just to be melodramatic, but as expected, they don’t.
“I’m just.. horrible.”
Yeah. That’s it. That’s the best way she can put it.
“What makes you so horrible than anyone else?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t called my grandma in ages. I’m pretty sure my family thinks I’m dead given how much I interact with them. I’m not exactly the best friend a person can have. I don’t know I’m just horrible.”
“Yeah sounds like you’re the worst person in the world huh. You should be put in jail.”
She laughs a little at that. Yeah she should.
“You’re being way too hard on yourself you know. I think you’re great. I don’t think I’ve met anyone greater than you.”
“I know right, I’m awesome.”
He rolls his eyes at her interruption. There isn’t much after that.
She leans back on the uncomfortable bench she’s sitting on, the strain of her back against the hard wood feels good in the moment. She relishes in his compliment, and pretends like she’s not going to feel the same tomorrow. Right now she chooses not to think about it, instead she cranes her neck up at the sky and allows herself to just breathe.
He mirrors her position, and pretends like there wasn’t more to say. Like his brain wasn’t overflowing with more things he loved about her.
It’s just the two of them. The things they want to say linger in the air, but right now it’s just them.
#haikyuu x reader#hq x reader#idk im into haikyuu atm so its haikyuu#iwaizumi x reader#idk abt that either i just imagined this w iwa#first thing ive written since like freshman year and now im in college so#brain vomit like actual vomit#hajime x reader#iwaizumi hajime x reader#this is the worst thing ever but im just venting so ig its ok#pls just dont be mean to me#also ive had tumblr since middle school but this is my first post ever#idk how to use it if im being honest#based off my previous relationship a little#idk this is kinda bittersweet#reader doesnt rly open up cuz she is me
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new dionysus art got me crawling out of my cave to finish this
#hades supergiant#hades game#dionysus#dionysus fanart#hades dionysus#hades game fanart#hades game dionysus#ok if im being completely honest idk how i feel about the new art mostly i kinda wish he had like. more hair#but maybe they were sparing us. i think about him having a happy trail and i get a full on anime nosebleed
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GAMING IS MY SON AND IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HIM IM GONNA KILL EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM AND THEN MYSELF!!
LOOK AT HIM HES SO CUTE
i still have hope in getting the other boys too
its ok they can be a band or smth.. at least then gaming wouldn’t have to be so disappointed in people not hiring him bc he’s just having fun with his boys…
#it took me soooo long to realize his name can also be 'gaming' and idk if i should be ashamed or proud lol#his hashtag is gonna get real funny real quick#is it actually an intentional business decision made by hyv#no way this was accidental#anyway im disappointed in his hair design but i stopped feeling much since all genshin charas always have the ugliest hairstyles#also him being another bennett just not as unlucky#he works so hard and still tries to achieve his artistic dream at the same time#but people just smile and ignore him…PAY THE DUDE!!!#ALSO ALSO.. chiaki 2.0 and they better add all other ryuseitai next#i just can get over how energetic and cool genshin concept designs are when the game keeps slapping us with a downgraded version every time#not to say current designs aren’t energetic or cool.. just not as much lol (still salty about red xiao and those flying nahidas)#now i know why they still not doing an art book yet.. they’re ashamed to admit of the amounts of good designs they never use#AND I LOVE GENSHIN DESIGNS honest (otherwise why would i keep doing fanart of this game and this game only for 3 years)#sorry i dont post all of them.... i have issues#but i cant help but feel robbed when i see these designs knowing what they could’ve been#and it’s in no way hyv’s fault *glance at leakers* and the new designs are getting crazier and cooler but#please for the love of god hyv stop with the mullets PLEASE!!!#gaming#ga-ming#gaming genshin#genshin impact
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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everytime sukugo gets called a crack ship i suffer +10 damage
#f.txt#it's not about the ship or anything#it's more just. they be calling anything a crack ship these days huh#djdfhskdsffgs#like with skg they did used to be a rarepair but arent anymore#but they were never a Crack ship. it's a ship that has made sense since the begginning. (ok maybe i MIGHT be a biased fdjfdfg)#but!!!!! they had 2 interactions!!! two!!!!! for a crack ship u need a minimum requirement of 0 canon interactions#even THEN. u might not necessarily call it a crack ship#i think it maybe has to do with how fandom has gotten much larger and the Big Ships are so much more omnipresent in any fandom#so maybe that skews people's perceptions of other ships? like. any smaller ships gets totally overshadowed.#or maybe it's just confusing the term with rarepair#but i mean i have seen people be so confused when presented with skg and finding it slightly bizarre#and before i would have kinda gotten it . but now after the fight. im like......did u NOT see all that.#a lot of people seem to not venture into ships outside the 'main' ones#and take them as canon to a certain degree ?#('why would u ship X with Y if Z is right there')#idk#it's interesting#maybe related to the mainstreaming of fandom#?#just thoughts honestly#tho i feel the same about rarepairs tbh dsfjsdfds#i feel like the idea of a rarepair has also gotten skewed#where some big ships (in my opinion) are also getting called rarepairs#had this drafted from a while back. but i saw skg being called a crack ship again and remembered it#anyways. i will reiterate......ppl really be calling anything a crack ship these days#dhsfjdhjdghjfffddfhhfd#it just makes me feel....old(?) idk fjdhfjshgjs more kinda like a purist all NO!!!!!!!! wrong use of the word!!!!!!!!#but let's be honest ppl have always been like that. 'there's X!! why ship Y!!!!!'#basically. conclusion. fandom gettin so big intimidates me fhdjdfghjdfhjdfhfsdfgg
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did some minor customization to one of my neutral chao figures so cream could have cheese with her if anyone cares
#sorry the lighting in this picture is not very good its the middle of the night so i cant just use my window for good lighting#anyway. to be honest with how small cream is compared to the average sonic figure despite being the same price as all the others#they should have had her come with cheese as her accessory to make up for it#but then again a chao costs the same amount as mini figures of other characters so they would probably never consider that#also im once again trying to rearrange my sonic shelf. things are looking slightly less chaotic but im still not satisfied#so will probably mess with it some more#my main issue i have is i can never decide How exactly i want to arrange things#like do i wanna arrange them based on what kind of item it is. what character it is. the specific media its based on.#idk . i have so much stuff that i never know how to arrange it all#little guy images
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um personally i think that if your girlfriend is insecure over you being friends with another girl you should run far away really fast. but i may be misreading the situation. i don't think i am though.
#i may be misreading. all i know is she got pissed at my friend while we were hanging out but friend has mentioned that she's 'got#trauma over being cheated on' which is understandable but we have been friends for a year and also i go out of my way to try and make this#girl understand i want to be her friend and i'm not trying for anything. i have a fucking bf. she has met my bf. she has seen how i am#around my bf vs around her gf. we r legit just friends. what the fuck man. please be normal and don't stress ur gf out like this. it's mean#:( idk all i know for sure is she said something that upset her while i was out of earshot but im using context clues and im not stupid.#genuinely i think she is misreading some stuff. yes me and her gf/my friend get along really really well but it's like.. two kids who met i#a playplace kind of way. we do shenanigans and talk about stuff. i do not want to fw her. i am not willing to fw such a heavy smoker.#i love her dearly but sometimes i think she is- love and light- incredibly pretentious in a way that irritates me a little. fine for a#friend. intolerable in a partner. many reasons why i would never. also I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. THAT I AM SO SERIOUS ABOUT.#insulting to me. honestly. but i could be misreading but i don't think i am.#and insulting as fuck to her gf who is head over heels possibly blindly in love with her my god.#idk i just don't trust that she isn't still insecure about me. and i don't like that she said something upsetting while we were having fun.#i don't like it.#girl i dont want your gf for so many reasons. also i am in a relationship what the fuck girl. what the fuck do you think of me. and also#have some fucking trust in your own gf. insane behavior. insane. she would never ever cheat on her she is possibly one of the most honest#and like. morally sound people i have ever met. she would never. it's so fucked up to think that of her.
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art style experiment (projectile vomits
#i really like this shading style i think ill use it more often#if im being honest idk how i want my art to look/it changes every week thats why its so inconsistent#oc art#oc#original character#artists on tumblr#my art#art#digital art#krita#kemonomimi
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happy birthday to me i celebrated by looking at my favourite sequence of images in the world and crying over it at half past midnight.
#im. 24 now.#appleyaps#gonna be honest with you guys idk where the fuck my life is heading atm.#but if this manga taught me anything its that i have to keep making choices in order to achieve my own happiness.#ive been making strides... im now exclusively using the men's toilets wherever i go.#and im working on getting a professional diagnosis so i can go on hrt... but the waiting lists are so long.#i took the transfer but now it turns out i still have to wait longer... even though i was promised help quickly.#i dont know how much longer i can take this though. being uncomfortable with myself. im sick of it. i just wanna live.#theres so many things id like to do. but my body and my voice are holding me back from it.#my mom and her boyfriend know now. but my mom doesnt understand and has never referred to me as a woman as much as she does now.#at least everyone at school uses he/him for me now. i was finally assertive about it in my new class#and everyone there calls me teddie. though i'd like people to use tom for me as well. my friends do.#i just need to be even more assertive from now on. im working on it. im doing my best. i wanna live.#at least i have lots to look forward too. thats whats keeping me going honestly. and my friends.#the hope that one day i get to look in the mirror and finally see myself. i want to believe that it can happen. i need it to happen.
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i am at the looking-at-dolls-as-self-soothing part of the night. i definitely wanna beef up my bratz collection since unboxing my alwayz bratz yasmin was just like... oh... oh man... and... and i didn't think it'd be like that for me man i didn't think i had as much nostalgia for bratz as i actually do not just buy owning some but by touching them and playing w their clothes and their hair.
and one of my issues of course is that i'm a redhead and as a redhead my Default Lookalike Doll is meygan (not that having a doll that looks like you is the most important part of bratz, but it is so much of the fun right? the fact that there's a character out there for just about everyone?). and i like meygan as a character well enough, that's not the issue. but of the meygan dolls that have been reproduced, there's none of them that are like, hardcore needs for me except for sweetheart meygan. and i did not buy sweetheart meygan in time. i was not really collecting at that point. that was like 2022. i had a few... na na na surprise dolls at that time. which is funny bc i have four of those that i got all either on clearance or w giftcards and i do really like them even though a lot of doll collectors thought they were kinda dumb, and they were. i just liked the gimmick of the fabric bodies and there were just enough dolls i thought were really cute that i kinda caved at one point. i also knew it was a brand i wouldn't go overboard with. anyway. we were talking about meygan...
sorry meygan back to you girl. i know original 2000s bratz that have not yet been reproduced at crazy expensive on the secondhand market and it's genuinely out of control. but sweet heart meygan, both the repro and the original, are selling for triple digits on mercari, ebay, what have you. that's just ridiculous. frankly. i'm not buying her at that. i don't even like her enough to hunt for her regularly, if that's how it's gonna be. there are plenty of more readily-available bratz dolls that are either regular retail price or clearancing online andin stores. did you guys know alwayz bratz jade is going for 15 bucks on amazon right now? that's crazy. the other always bratz dolls aren't going for that low if they're even marked down yet. that release wasn't even that long ago. anyway i'm thinking of getting jade from that line bc i know some ppl thought that alwayz jade was a let-down, but i thought she was cute. yasmin was my favorite from that line and that's why i got her but jade was my second fave there easily.
i also wanna get the kumi they reproduced sometime and maybe girls nite out cloe since i see she's still available. it's funny there aren't that many core girls i've wanted from the repros but if i go for any of the cloes, new or old, it's gotta be girls nite out. cloe isn't even usually my favorite character no offense blondes she's just kinda. she's just kinda cloe to me. idk i love her but i'm not gagged over her most of the time. these are still bratz standardz we're talking about here so obviously i love her.
there's nothing going on in the world right now other than my bratz dolls. and if someone we won't mention wins the election, i'm definitely going doll crazy. i'm gonna be buying dolls after this anyway, but i'm gonna justify spending an unusual, nearly-irresponsible amount of money. you know. bc i'm an adult and i can.
hey also and of all the lines they could've reproduced why is their most recent slumber party? why? why? when the poll posted by mga had tokyo a go go WINNING? bc tokyo a go go is the correct option? i mean the slumber party line is cute and i like the base dolls and the accessories especially the stuffed animals are cute. but. everyone knows the bratz audience these days is adult collectors. which adult collectors are losing their minds over dolls in pajamas and bathrobes? again they're CUTE. but why. also why did they reproduce bratz babyz when those things were nightmare fuel
#tales from diana#yeah and i have the jimmy paul pride two-pack w roxxi and nevra arriving tomorrow :)#i'm still probably gonna buy all these dolls i'm talking about at some point but i'm just gonna space them out#now is a pretty good time to be a budding bratz collector bc there have been AFFORDABLE OPTIONS once again#but they are not all that way#and i'm so happy for my own sake that i had no emotional investment w the mean girls dolls bc that shit was ridiculous#fuck mga for that one for real#yeah the bratz i have now are the alwayz yasmin and the campfire felicia repro#i should've unboxed felicia first bc i honestly like her better and her hair (being braided) would've been way less of a mess#i have to wash yasmin's hair and im worried about it bc i've never washed doll hair before#but i'm gonna be so honest w you. the state that shit was in? was borderline unacceptable. lol#it's so hard and gelled that i cannot just brush it or anything#the back ie what you could not see in the box is especially nasty... like come on#the alwayz bratz as much as i do like them overall are not the same quality as 2000s bratz. i have to say#not just bc they don't come w a second outfit but the fabric quality and construction just isn't what it used to be#they're still good dolls don't get me wrong. but i feel like they're less pressured bc of how cheap barbies are nowadays#they don't have to put in the same elbow grease to be 'better'#anyway i'm glad i'm talking about bratz dolls which are the only thing that matter in the world to me right now#la la la la la i'm plugging my ears. la la la la la nothing is going on#i have to get a sasha at some point too but idk which one i want? and i want one that's on shelves now not a secondhand. not dealing w that#i think i'll hold onto the hope of tokyo a go go being reproduced bc that's one of my favorite sashas. & she's the best in that line imo#her hair and makeup are just gorgeous and her outfit is adorable#that's like peak sasha and peak bratz to me#but i also like the new pretty n punk sasha. idk. i will wait for suuuuure. don't rush diana#i don't think i wanna have more than one doll of any character before i have a more extensive bratz collection#so who i choose to get for the core 4 is vital... i'm happy w my current yasmin though. the other 3 are kinda up in the air
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So you're the Eagle Bearer everyone's been talking about. I hope you live up to your reputation.
#acedit#ac odyssey#assassin's creed odyssey#kassandra of sparta#virtual photography#idk what the right tags are honestly tbh to be honest. let's hope these are enough#& yeah some of these have the silly 'movie-like' black borders. my sincerest apologies. it will happen again#anyway. i just think that Women--#im like uhhh 120 hours into a replay and at least 30 of those hours are just. Me Staring At Kassandra#shes my roman empire#also: these photos have Not been taken sobe.r#they have not been edited sober.#and they are not being posted sober <3#mine#did you know: i entirely forgot how to use photoshop. didn't know that was possible but here we are#me lookin at adjustment layers: good god. what are these
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Everyone always seems more willing to talk and exist when I'm not around. The sleep deprivation makes me want to believe this means I'm a smothering presence rather than considering maybe everyone just finally had more free time. If the bad thoughts are right though, I guess I have no qualms against disappearing since youtube exists for entertainment.
#vent post#personal post#ig- idk - im not really sad just bored#neverending cycle of always trying to find new groups bc i seem to grow apart from people#what if im not really a person? Scary to think. Do i have a personality? I thought i did. I miss people.#its so tempting to go back into a bad relationship because at least i knew they'd always be there every day#I'm such a lifeless loser#what value do i even have now that i cut them out of my life? I hope they're having a happier life#no one else wants me. No one cares to really have me around. I dont know how to connect with people other than be honest abt my praises#I dont know anyone. Not really. And i cant seem to find out how to do that. Too many questions is weird but no questions makes strangers#is this depression or just realizing maybe im just some mindless changeling. A copycat. I'll never know love#I will never be enough i think. Not in person or online. Theres nothing useful about me. Nothing to want.#not lookin for pity or anything just rambling bc i dont actually have anyone i can talk to lol-#not gonna add this to my main tag bc I'd rather not have it become part of my image#i enjoy being a temporary joy to people- i just wish i could be better so i could know people better#theres a wall between me and the people i love and i cant find the door. I dont know why
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i honestly feel like the reason a lot of people choose not to believe me about the SA my abuser did to me is bc they dont want to even begin for a second to have like. barely an inch of empathy for a man
#its easier to default to believing them bc they seem more fem.... yeah im well aware of how yall operate#which from my understanding- i dont keep up with them so idk how tf they id now but- im p sure if they were honest and not using#being perceived as more fem to float they'd tell you how fucked up it is to think that way but.#they benefit too much from this to be like. principled. even if people are essentially misgendering them in a way........#i mean. apparently they really really hated being fem around me or something in spite of willingly doing it and not making that clear#at all so clearly they're ok with sacrificing their identity if they think they can benefit from a situation. i mean thats the only reason#they were with me clearly. to mooch off of me.#clearly *to me* but i obviously have more insight on the situation im fucking part of rather than yall spectators.
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every time I see the /pos and /hj tone indicators I read them as "piece of shit" and "hand job"
#idk what they're supposed to mean and im not looking it up#sometimes i read pos as point of sale if my brain is in work mode#tone indicators are pointless anyways#they only work if you trust the person using them is being genuine#and lying on the internet is a foundational part of the internet so realistically you can't trust everyone is being genuine#and if you doubt whether people are being honest with the tone indicators they use then tone indicators don't actually provide any clarity#i feel like an old person yelling about how young people these days trust people online too much but like come on#people can lie to your face and fake their tone irl why do you think they can't or won't do it online
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im soooo curious.
#i know a few pieces of dialogue can maaaaybe help us sus out how old he was#but if I'm being honest i find myself ignoring a lot of those details when i consider the timeline of things#bc i don't know how much time rockstar put into considering all of that#i ALSO know the game was intended to open w their deaths (or something idk) but#but since it didn't i don't rly think of that as the timeline. anyway#im team post mary bc i don't think he'd even entertain a relationship w mary had eliza already died#rdr2#arthur morgan#poll
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#I did get to talk to a crisis counselor for an hour and it was more helpful than other hotlines I’ve used#what I rly need is for the structural issues to be solved n no counselor can do that. I face that on the other end of it as a social worker#and the interaction did feel v much like they were following a set of steps. but they personalized it enough to feel supportive#they validated me in ways I never rly get and I’m always saying I wish someone would just believe me n recognize what I go thru#we also talked abt how I’m like tired of always having to solve huge problems but that’s also smth im best at#like it sucks to have to handle all this but I’m good at handling it bc I have to be#the words they used were ‘drive’ and ‘independence’ which like lowkey meant the world even tho they don’t know me#n I told the person that. idk it didn’t make me feel better abt the situation but it made me feel better in that someone acknowledged it#n that I was even able to get a hold of someone competent n compassionate#it takes away that feeling of ‘and on top of it all I can’t seek help + a hotline will feel pointless’#idk. I may delete this and/or a bunch of my venting from today#not even as a shame thing but just. I need to be able to be honest Somewhere without being reminded of it too much after I’ve processed it#man it’s just like. it always feels condescending trying to help clients w Coping Strategies when what they need is money#and it’s like. if they only knew we have the same problem ourselves. would they trust us more or less#mine#txt#personal
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