#fuck mga for that one for real

[britneyshakespeare]

i am at the looking-at-dolls-as-self-soothing part of the night. i definitely wanna beef up my bratz collection since unboxing my alwayz bratz yasmin was just like... oh... oh man... and... and i didn't think it'd be like that for me man i didn't think i had as much nostalgia for bratz as i actually do not just buy owning some but by touching them and playing w their clothes and their hair.

and one of my issues of course is that i'm a redhead and as a redhead my Default Lookalike Doll is meygan (not that having a doll that looks like you is the most important part of bratz, but it is so much of the fun right? the fact that there's a character out there for just about everyone?). and i like meygan as a character well enough, that's not the issue. but of the meygan dolls that have been reproduced, there's none of them that are like, hardcore needs for me except for sweetheart meygan. and i did not buy sweetheart meygan in time. i was not really collecting at that point. that was like 2022. i had a few... na na na surprise dolls at that time. which is funny bc i have four of those that i got all either on clearance or w giftcards and i do really like them even though a lot of doll collectors thought they were kinda dumb, and they were. i just liked the gimmick of the fabric bodies and there were just enough dolls i thought were really cute that i kinda caved at one point. i also knew it was a brand i wouldn't go overboard with. anyway. we were talking about meygan...

sorry meygan back to you girl. i know original 2000s bratz that have not yet been reproduced at crazy expensive on the secondhand market and it's genuinely out of control. but sweet heart meygan, both the repro and the original, are selling for triple digits on mercari, ebay, what have you. that's just ridiculous. frankly. i'm not buying her at that. i don't even like her enough to hunt for her regularly, if that's how it's gonna be. there are plenty of more readily-available bratz dolls that are either regular retail price or clearancing online andin stores. did you guys know alwayz bratz jade is going for 15 bucks on amazon right now? that's crazy. the other always bratz dolls aren't going for that low if they're even marked down yet. that release wasn't even that long ago. anyway i'm thinking of getting jade from that line bc i know some ppl thought that alwayz jade was a let-down, but i thought she was cute. yasmin was my favorite from that line and that's why i got her but jade was my second fave there easily.

i also wanna get the kumi they reproduced sometime and maybe girls nite out cloe since i see she's still available. it's funny there aren't that many core girls i've wanted from the repros but if i go for any of the cloes, new or old, it's gotta be girls nite out. cloe isn't even usually my favorite character no offense blondes she's just kinda. she's just kinda cloe to me. idk i love her but i'm not gagged over her most of the time. these are still bratz standardz we're talking about here so obviously i love her.

there's nothing going on in the world right now other than my bratz dolls. and if someone we won't mention wins the election, i'm definitely going doll crazy. i'm gonna be buying dolls after this anyway, but i'm gonna justify spending an unusual, nearly-irresponsible amount of money. you know. bc i'm an adult and i can.

hey also and of all the lines they could've reproduced why is their most recent slumber party? why? why? when the poll posted by mga had tokyo a go go WINNING? bc tokyo a go go is the correct option? i mean the slumber party line is cute and i like the base dolls and the accessories especially the stuffed animals are cute. but. everyone knows the bratz audience these days is adult collectors. which adult collectors are losing their minds over dolls in pajamas and bathrobes? again they're CUTE. but why. also why did they reproduce bratz babyz when those things were nightmare fuel

[ratedfleur]

kim gyuvin gym photo 🥴 something just purred

imagine ate!reader getting invited by her younger brother sa gym kasi the one where she goes to is nagsara na (self-indulgent kasi nagsara din gym na pinupuntahan ko lmao).

and then, kim gyuvin who regularly goes to the gym gets so shocked seeing ate there and thinking "shit, si ate..." cause i can envision him avoiding and rejecting his friend's invite to come over kasi he feels so guilty jerking off to the thought of his friends sister kahit once lang nangyari.

let's just say he ends up touching himself to the thought of ate again sa shower room, his free hand covering his mouth to try suppress his moans because NO ON SHOULD FIND OUT!!

poor gyuvin.

(anyway, tapos na finals ko. i think deserve ko ng younger boyfriend kim gyuvin na ihhard fuck ako 😞 )

— 🫧

i have put this aside for far way too long huhu ano ba 😭 also anything self indulgent, i’m here for it kasi ganiyan din naman mga works ko HEH KIDDING

ANYWHO! ate and gyuvin being baby gym freaks is so real, parang that’s what they bond over once she moves gyms and sees na gyuvin works out there too but i fear she’s too oblivious sa hard on that he keeps sporting when he sees ate in her tight gym shorts and her gym bra that squeezes her bosom in all the right places, sometimes gyuvin just wants to snuggle into them GANON

and the shock is so real, gyuvin would’ve stopped DEAD in his tracks once he sees that familiar face through the mirrors when she walks in with that pretty smile on her face.

he would even ignore his friend’s calls so they could welcome ate into the gym and he goes straight for the rest rooms / shower rooms and says “ihing ihi na ko pre, sunod ako diyan!” before he scurries off and shamelessly jerks himself off at the sight of ate and her boobies as he tries soooo hard to suppress his moans 🥺

deserve mo yan so much, darling! kim gyuvin, wya 🥺🥺🥺

[gavlin]

i got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks yesterday and started taking meds today. i know i got real sht with my mental health since high school. you'll know with my posts here when i was 15-19 years old (got pinned tags btw). but i kinda got over it, idk if things got better or i just got used to it, or i built up tolerance, i became numb or something. i know my mental health is not that good but i somehow powered through it, whatever i just winged it and keep winging it.

but dang this past month, i've been coming back and forth to hospital, doctor consultations and lot of tests and they can't see sht. they've been telling me it could be anxiety or stress. i somehow had a feeling that it is but there's this part of me wanting it to be just something in blood or vitamin deficiency so i will just take meds for 2 weeks max and i'll be okay. reasons for all that is i've been lightheaded for over a month now twenty four fucking seven. consistent as fuck, never left me. you know that feeling that you have a hangover? that. without the dizziness or spinning part but you're feeling something with you brain or head. then 2 weeks after i started feeling lightheaded or that hangover feeling, i started having real bad palpitations. there were days where i felt my heart palpitate for the whole day. then there's a week that i had a sudden rash on my chest, and it is spreading real bad. then there are times my hands are shaking, my toes are twitching, i am having mild cough for over a month now that doesn't go away even i took antibiotics. i became hyperaware with everything, really anxious. all of that stresses me more that it became a paradox/cycle of stress and anxiety. i'm feeling nervous because i am palpitating and i am palpitating because i am feeling nervous. i can't sleep because i am stressed, and i am stressed because i cannot sleep. i don't have a decent sleep for a month now. if i'm lucky and had 6 hours of sleep, i would still feel tired after waking up. and i am someone who always sleep for 7-8 hours because i really value my sleep. and you know what every time i wake up? the moment i wake up, literally 1 second, my heart is palpitating already like i'm on a fight and flight mode so i can't go back to sleep.

so i went to internal med/cardio. got full blood workup, different lab test including thyroid, xray, ecg, i even run for a stress test (u will run in a treadmill iydk), doctor even requested for brain mri but didn't push through because i have braces and everything is fine - didn't see sht. i'm healthy physically. sabi maybe stress or anxiety, ipahinga ko daw. e di nga ako makakapagpahinga, my body is having their mind on their own. kahit hindi na ako nagwo-worry about anything, these symptoms just keep going na ang nangyari, sa mga symptoms na ako nastress. nasstress na ko dahil isang buwan na kong parang nahihilo or what, palpitations, di makatulog, laging pagod, shaking, cough, rashes na buti naman wala na. so i asked if magcoconsult ba ko sa iba, sabi nya pwede daw sa neuro or psych. after that, dahil nasa hospital na ko, nagpacheck na din ako sa derma because my hair keep on falling out na for so many months (the thing is parang di naman ako napapanot or nababawasan ng buhok visually? pero ang daming nalalagas araw araw). derma checked all the test results, chineck scalp ko, pulang pula daw and wala ring makitang mali sa results and the reason daw bat ganon buhok ko is guess what? stress. i don't even remember being stressed on months my hair started falling out except for mild stress some times dahil sa acne. the thing is am not even sure anymore kasi nga i am winging my mental health ever since HAHHAHAHAHA. all my emotions, stress, shts, all bottled up. no one knows anything. ako lang nakakaalam lahat (that was the birth of this blog, my outlet kasi wala akong sinasabihan). so baka nga matagal na akong stressed and baka masyado na kong sanay hindi na siya nag-register na ay stressed pala ako HAHHAHAHAHA. sanay ako sa negative feelings or events whatever, sa positive feelings ako hindi so maybe di ko lang nare-realize. i just had one stressor this past month na i think naglead to all of these physical manifestations. eniweys, derma asked me questions about my lother symptoms and stuff, and after that, she suddenly asked me: do you want to have a referral for psych? when i heard that, i was like "oooh it's getting real now" hahahhahahaha. sht. i know there's something wrong with my mind but it will get real and legit if i will get a diagnosis. hindi ko na kaya i-wing wing to like chicken wings, di na kaya ng pakpak hahahahha kasi damay na physical ko my god kumawala na sya from my mind. baka ang susunod na winging ko nito, pakpak na ng kaluluwa ko papuntang langit. derma wrote on the referral letter to psych: anxiety disorder, for diagnosis and management.

the thing is gusto ko pa magpa-check sa neuro or ent or optha but doesn't make sense. all doctors referring me to psych. and i am someone that always believe in "everything happens for a reason". and if all that shts within the past month is leading me to a psych consultation, then i must take it, there's a reason. so had a consultation with psych (putangina ang mahal gago) then yun. gad. prescribed me meds na ayaw ko pa nga i-take kasi iniisip ko naman baka kaya ko ito i-power through ulit hahahah but i have physical symptoms na so i went with it. meds for mental health, you will take a long time na mahal din, consultations mahal din, so i get why people with mental heath disorder applying for pwd hindi dahil sa convenience sa pila pero tangina discount sa gamot tyaka consultations, ang mahal ng psych at hindi sya sakop ng hmo yun ang problem tangina ang mahaaaaal bat ganyan consultation fee niyo hahhahahah. eniweys that is that. i'm okay. i just wrote this post wanting to just share that i got diagnosed pero humaba na and just went with it, tuloy tuloy lang hence the way of writing sorry just vented out whatever. but again, i'm okay. ayoko lang na ma-diagnose ako nung isang araw kasi feeling ko baka i-relate ko lahat dito kahit hindi naman big deal sakin yung isang bagay. yung baka isipin ko na "ay siguro kasi may gad ako kaya ganto ganyan" pero if dati na wala kong diagnosis, baka hindi magiging big deal or hindi ko iisipin yung isang bagay and just let it be, pero baka ngayon ire-relate ko sya. alam mo yon? ayoko yung lagi kong iisipin na ay kasi baka may gad ako. ayaw ko syang gawing personality, ayaw ko irelate doon lagi, ayaw ko i-stuck yung sarili ko doon sa condition. kaya siguro i wrote about it kasi baka ngayon ko lang sya io-open up this way and i will just went on with my life. i'm open about it if may magtanong ganyan, pwede ko i-share randomly sa kwentuhan but i will not make this a big deal, i just have a condition and i'm taking care of it na. yun lang naman yung iniisip ko before the diagnosis, parang ayaw ko lang ng ganon na effect sa akin. so that is that. i'm fine. i'm okay. nothing big deal, felt something, had it checked, got diagnosed, started medication, things will be good, sana makatulog na ko nang matiwasay at mawala na hilo ko kasi yun talaga main problem ko this past month. wishing you all good mental health. power through.

[akonaman]

Life lately

im at peace yet anxious kase di na ko sanay na everything is falling into right places. Nasanay ako mashado sa survival mode for half a year.

burn out - di siya nag eend easily and the past trauma from previous employers are still haunting me. fuck work ethics kuno.

started to eat right (again) i want my body to thank mw in the future. less carbs more protein. pero as much as possible balance dapat.

paid all my debt? ang saya pala makalaya lol. adulting is real and i hate it sm.

decided to buy a promise ring sa palawan pawnshop. 2grams worth 5,200 and na love at first sight ako. I might buy another one huhu.

i decided to be minimalist once im back to cavite. ibebenta ko na sa carousel or ibibigay yung mga di ko na ginagamit kase nainspire ako sa mga napapanood ko sa yt.

im trying a no spend month. magiging pabigat muna ako sa bahay. dito masusubok kung sino sa pamilya ko ang mahal ako. Hahahhaha shete natatawa ako.

sana di umulan pabyaheng Bicol 🤍

[kairiscorner]

TANGINA KINILIG AKO SA MGA HCS NI NOIR /pos 💗 CGE PA REQUEST NG MODERN HCS

ANG SARAP MAKARINIG NIYAN PO <333 SURE THING ANON HUHU

okokok, now imagine...

he'd play "panalangin" for you two. he'd dedicate his time and energy to learning the chords and how to sing it just right in his vocal range, HE HAS A BASS VOICE, he can rizz you up so easily when he opens his mouth like.......... ginoo <;333 (fuck off miggy this ain't about you noir sings better change my mind)

he really, really respects his elders. like your parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and even great grandparents--just anyone who was older than him, he never fails to say, "po", "opo" or call them "ate", "kuya", "tito", "tita", "lolo", or "lola". he finds filipino culture so respectful when it comes to the elders and how endearing the "mano po culture" is. he hopes that if he has kids one day, they'll be as polite as you, so he tries his hardest to follow your example AND UPHOLDING THAT TO A TEE.

he loves entertaining the elders at family gatherings, especially as cover for you if you family asks too many questions, especially personal or uncomfy ones towards you. he'd direct the conversation in another direction, and cast you sideways glances as he reassures you whenever you need it through simple gestures, like holding your hand underneath the table, picking up the convo when it's dying out after a dry response, and getting you more water or something when you don't feel like getting up.

also, he knows it's not very polite, but he disregards politeness when he overhears or witnesses you being kinda harassed or being treated uncomfortably by a family member. you know those types, making fun of your insecurities to mask their own? yeah, no, he'll step in for you and answer them for you even if you never asked him to. he'll retort every criticism they have of you, your body, your academic life, your personality, your habits--he does not give a shit if they're "doing it out of love", if he sees you uncomfortable, he'll give you real love and get you out of there and defend you all the while.

your family thinks he's spoiling you too much... and he might be :> BUT CAN YOU BLAME HIM, HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH?????

when asked when the wedding will be, he always chokes on air.

he's very good with kids, HAVE YOU SEEN HIM WITH PENI????? if you had younger cousins, he'd entertain them. i feel like he would've been overwhelmed at first when the kids were crowded around him, yk filipino parents sending their flock of kids to ask for mano po from their elders.

"oh bless kayo kay tito peter", he sees a shitton of kids, "well guess my favorite hand's gonna fall off".

ngl when he gets called tito, it warms his heart because, he has a soft spot for kids and has this innate urge to spoil them, so when he's called tito it's like all his spoiling and love and hard work has paid off even it's just in the kid's nature to call every adult not related to them "tito" or "tita".

HE'D TELL YOU EVERY TIME AS WELL THAT HAPPENED, "mahal! i was called tito by your pamangkin (nephew/niece)!" /proceeds to spoil them with chocnut, jollibee, or whatever else.

oh yeah, he also puts off on swearing, but he can't help himself so when he gets accustomed to tagalog, there are tendencies when he uses tagalog curses BUT he doesn't go through with it. so parang: "PU...SANG GALA", "ANG GA...MO-GAMO MO."

i like to think that when he's speaking to you, it's mainly in english/taglish. but when your family members catch you guys in conversation, they'll whisper to themselves, "uy, di marunong magtagalog jowa niya, lokohin natin," and try to get him to call himself mabaho or something, but when they talk to him, HE SPEAKS IN FLAWLESS TAGALOG, HE UNDERSTANDS WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.

also... he calls you aking sinta :> HE KNOWS IT'S OLD FASHIONED, HARDLY ANYONE USES IT IN MODERN TIMES UNIRONICALLY, but he loves calling you his "sinta", bc you are his one and only :>>>

"aking sinta, mamahalin panghabang-buhay.. i'll love you forever, my dearest." HE SAYS WITH THAT CUTE SMILE, THE DIMPLES SHOWING, THE CURVES OF HIS LIPS ACCENTUATED AS HIS EYES SOFTEN UP AND GET A LITTLE SMALLER AS HIS NOSE BRUSHES OVER YOURS AAAAAAAAAAAAAA /namatai

a/n: SANA KILIGIN KA RIN DITO ANON <333

tags !! @thecoolerdor

[tigre-edi-rawr]

new love of my life

We broke up after I knew the truth from your woman. I literally have to get drunk all the time to restrain myself from going back to you. I remember struggling to sleep and eat every day. All I wanted is to drink. But fucking and no self-respect me drunk texted you again. The bitch wanted to get back because she still loves you, the fuck? This time you rejected me, and I moved on. You sent me messages but I never replied back anymore, the rejection after hurting me seems too unreal to me. My pride can't take it.

During the five days of no contact...

I remember feeling always feeling nauseous because my heart is aching so much, I think of you all the time. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I felt my tummy being warm all the time, it's weird. I remember getting drunk and jokingly said "Tapos buntis ako no? Tangina talaga ng buhay kung ganon." One day, I just woke up and took a pee when my mom asked me "Meron ka na? Meron ka nanaman?" I don't know if she's seeing something that I'm not seeing but after that, I took a pregnancy test.

Pregnancy Test

I was not even expecting for a double line when I took that pregnancy test. I don't understand why I did that PT but the gut feeling said I should. I just wanted to check and confirm everything to stop the overthinking. I remember taking it like it was nothing... not until when I was about to go out of the bathroom, a blurred second line appeared. The uncontrollable chills from all over my body. I can't understand if I was crying because I don't know what to do or I'm laughing because the world got to be fucking kidding me at this point. Like all that happened is not even enough, I needed this too? The laugh while crying is fucking real at this point. Me? Pregnant? That disgusting man is the father of my child? I can't even stand the idea that he's the father. Up to this day, I am still questioning why him? I still wish he's not the father.

Telling him I am pregnant.

I talked with my closest cousin, told him I was pregnant and that I don't know what to do. My world shattered. He told me to talk to the baby daddy. I asked the baby daddy to meet me. He was all firm "Bakit? Hindi ba kayang sabihin nalang sa chat?" he did not want to meet so I sent a photo of the PT I just took. We were both in disbelief. But what astonished me is... "Dath! So ano nga gusto mong gawin ko sunduin kita at dumito ka muna hanggang sa macheck natin kung buntis ka ba o hindi. Hindi ba pwedeng tsaka tayo magkita at magusap pag positive talaga?" That left me with the impression that I got to do this alone. Pananagutan niya, pero kapag sigurado na. Anong kagaguhan yon? Fuck it, I don't need him. I stopped talking to him, I took a second PT. It's still positive. Later that night, he sent me multiple texts that he wanted to meet and wanted to know what's going on. I spent the night in their house, I slept there and took another pregnancy test first pee in the morning. It was still positive. It hasn't sinked it yet, I'm still indenial, we went to see a doctor for a blood test and I got laughed on "Parang hindi ka pa naniniwala sa mga PT mo? Nakailan ka, tatlo?" Fuck. This is real.

What do I want to do?

When we knew that I'm indeed pregnant, I insisted to not fix us but mentioned that we should be there for the baby. I was fucking being mature when I said I don't want my baby to grow up without a father, especially when he's very eager to be there for the baby. I don't want to take it from them just because I was fucking hurt. I saw how happy Harvey was. How excited he was. In fact, when I spent the night to really check if I am pregnant first thing in the morning. I was sleeping but I felt him touching my belly, I even caught him staring at me that night with his hand on his chin. But I was firm that I no longer want to fix our relationship, we can co-parent instead of building a home where our baby will be exposed with fights, traumas, and bad things. I appreciated how responsible he was because it was his dream to have a baby. Somehow, I felt at ease that he is the father. No doubt that he will not neglect my baby. Or so I thought.

First Ultrasound, July 18, 2024.

Later on, when I have gone through my ultrasound, I found out I was five weeks pregnant. I'm already pregnant when I'm going through all the pain and betrayals during La Union team building. I was furious and hurt. At the same time, I felt bad for my baby. I did not know that I'm pregnant. All I did was drink, not eat, and barely sleep. I even smoked stupid shits. I was ashamed of myself. I did not know but I was irresponsible. And yes, I blamed the baby daddy as well. I remember not hearing a heartbeat. I was like a stone. I can't say anything. I don't know how and what to feel. I don't even have anyone there inside when I was laying down to comfort me and say not to worry so much besides the doctor herself. I am lost for words, the baby daddy with me did not even talk to me that day and during the ride. He only asked me through message and I was fucking mad. I lost it. We were saying nasty things to each other, I even said "Kung mamatay man ang anak ko, kasalanan mo yon at hindi ko alam kung anong magagawa ko sayong hayop ka!" Hindi ko sinasabi sakaniya na wala pang heartbeat yung bata. Dahil pakiramdam ko, wala na siyang karapatan dahil wala naman na siyang magandang dulot kahit simula palang ng pagbubuntis ko. Wala akong natanggap kung hindi sakit at pagpapahirap. Kaso sa sobrang galit ko, napagmumura ko talaga siya at sinabi ko na wala pang heartbeat. "Masaya ka na?" He only stopped when i said the baby has no heartbeat earlier in the appointment. I felt how concern he is. Then he said that to end the things between us that is making me stressful which could possibly affect the baby, he wants us to fix everything and to move in together. He will do everything to keep us safe. He said.

The next day after the ultrasound, July 19, 2024.

I thought he was just bluffing but the next day, he went to our house. For the first time since knowing that I am pregnant, he faced my parents and talked to them. He even asked their blessing for us to move in together and try to fix everything because that’s what he wants and that his intentions are pure. I was astonished on how brave he was and the choice of words when he talked to my parents touched my soft spot for my baby. I realized, was I really being selfish? Was I thinking of my feelings after all and not my baby? Am I really trying to destroy a family he wants to be whole because I was hurt? My parents approved and said it depends on my decision. If I want to come with the baby daddy and explore our connection for the baby, it's all on me and that they will 100% support any decision. My father even asked me when do I want to move in? I can't believe that my parents will literally give me to this piece of shit. But deep inside, should I? What's the best for the baby?

July 21, 2024.

I haven't packed yet, but I felt like my decision is to try it once again and fix in order to have a "complete" family. That day, he asked if I was ready. He even asked me to come with me to buy some grocery which I will eat whenever I'm hungry when he's at work and I'm all alone in their house. Everything went smoothly. My parents sent us off. I still can't believe I'm pregnant, I'm in that house... with that man. But I tried my best to be happy and be as healthy for the baby. Not until...

July 22, 2024.

I am a light sleeper, whenever he bounces back and forth in bed, I always check if he's okay. I saw him around 2 a.m. getting irritated by his sweat so I asked him to switch places because I am cold. When we switched places, he rolled to the other side of the bed but forgot his phone and reached out for it. The fucking traumatic mind of mine is thinking about why is he half asleep but did not even forget to take his phone? This is a familiar feeling. I couldn't sleep that night. I had to shake it off, and he even saw me still not asleep so he hugged me and massaged my back.

July 23, 2024.

I am still trying my best not to check his phone. I don't want to hurt myself, and I don't want to entertain my paranoid thoughts. Not until... After work, I lay down beside him where he opened his eyes and hugged me to make me fall asleep again. I asked him to talk for a bit because I'm still not sleepy. I can't remember how the conversation started but I asked him "Meron ka bang nakasex na iba habang tayo pa?" and he answered me "Meron man o wala, hindi na para sabihin pa. Tapos na lahat yon." PUTANGINA??????? SOBRANG BABOY GAGO.

I remember him not confessing anything but the gut feeling again says that the answer to that question is yes.

He fell asleep and I checked his phone that night. I read a lot of conversations about me, masama ugali, selosa, paranoid, eskandalosa, hindi na para tanggapin pa pabalik ulit, etc.

Nabasa ko rin na palagi siyang nasa inuman at may mga babae sila. What caught my eye is this one thing. Madaling araw, nagchat siya sakin na nagpapaalam na siya, his last goodbye. Sobrang mahal na mahal daw niya ako, all that bullshit. Pero that same day, tanghali, kausapin niya yung tropa niya na bakit daw siya hinahanap. Kasama daw niya si ano, si Fiona daw, nadiskarte daw. Patingin daw ng mga babae sa kabilang inuman kung nice.

Yung sikmura ko parang bumaliktad nalang. Diring diri ako. Sobrang baboy na baboy ako. Sinuka suka na pala ako at talagang wala na akong balak balikan kung hindi lang ako nabuntis.

AT HINDI PA YUN YUNG PINAKAPLOT TWIST. PUTANGINA.

Gusto kong maintindihan lahat kung bakit sobrang baba niyang lalaki. Kung bakit kaya niya ng ganong sistema. Hanggang sa hindi ko namalayan, meron pa pala akong ibang malalaman. I asked him, "Meron kang nakasex habang tayo?" He said, "Meron, isa." "Kailan?" "Wag mo nang alamin kung kailan." "Sino?" "Wag mo nang alamin kung sino kasi hindi mo lang rin titigilan." I can't remember how he confessed it but... hindi ko alam kung meron pang sikmura sakin na pwede bang bumaliktad noong nalaman ko na may nakasex pala siya same week noong humarap siya sa pamilya ko para kuhain ako doon sa bahay. Noong alam na niyang buntis na ako.

Alam ko na sa sarili ko na hindi ko na kayang tanggapin yung ganong kababoy. Wala na akong nagawa kung hindi umiyak habang paulit-ulit kong sinasabi na "Buntis na ako, Kim? Buntis na ako?"

Wala akong tulog noong araw na yon dahil hindi ako makatulog sa mga nalaman ko. Tapos buong araw akong iyak nang iyak noong nalaman ko lahat ng kababuyan niya. Umuwi na ako sa bahay namin ulit after all that.

If only I can upload my recording of that confrontations. I can't even try to listen to it again because nobody deserves to be treated like that, especially when they are carrying your child.

[goddamnwebcomics]

Webcomic Check: Fall 2024

Boy is it ever Fall.

Las Lindas: Mora and Geecku talk some shit about chaos and end of the world but that doesn't matter, this does.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT, MORA IS TAKING STEROIDS NOW. I SWEAR TO GOD, I KEEP FORGETTING SHE WAS THAT BUFF. LAST TIME WE SAW HER SHE CERTAINLY WASN'T.

Okay I went back and EVERY time I do a Webcomic Check on a page Mora appears I am always shocked by her fucking muscles. Maybe it's because I do those constant revisits and that completely erases my memory of MuscleMora?

The worst thing is this isn't even consistent, in the 20 Years of Las Lindas banner, she is shown without ANY muscles, so it's fucking magic muscles that show up anytime she takes her shirt off. I have to apologize to Spinnerette now...speaking of

Spinnerette: Katt is trying to fight against the other nine-tailed guy we saw earlier, and he is ranting about how CANADA'S HISTORY IS DARK BUT WE ARE TRYING TO BE BETTER. Oh my fucking god, is Kraw now trying to work Canada's past exploitation of indigenous people in its plot??? And give a villain a motivation based on that? So this is just Canadian Killmonger?

Gah, I don't even want to know what is Kraw doing. I am not even gonna give MGA the time of the day for this. I still have an unfinished MGA revisit still in my drafts. I guess I finally burned out on it???

Carnivores: We see Austin driving home, ending yet another one of his crazy adventures...in a page that was released over a month ago. I guess Austin is taking a break, since his page does list upcoming Carnivores arcs. If this page is exact same in the next Webcomic Check, then I'll get worried.

Legacy of Dominic Deegan: We see a bunch of women talk to each other and...I really hope all these women are related to each other, because I am afraid I spot a bit of same face syndrome in Mookie's art. Not even ongoing Deegan riff has that! Don't tell me Mookie's flaws from 2004 are coming back to haunt him!

Once again I have zero context to anything that's happening, so I am not just not gonna say anything about it. I wonder what happened to Snout, he's been absent the last 3 Webcomic Checks.

Alien Dice: Lexx is still fighting the Orange Man, and this time he has a partner! Another brother of Riley!

And more Tiffany's art changes, the more it stays the same. And Lexx talks about cheating, but these two don't listen to reason and prepare to finish him.

Peter and Company: I usually would've left this out, but I was told that Peter's secret crush finally debuted, a deer named Cici who really loves him but Peter won't give her time of the day. What's the point? We all know these two won't end up together, Peter and Whitney is here to confirm that! And sadly, cameos haven't gone anywhere, but I like the mouse science teacher.

Peter and Whitney: Chelsea is back along with her based-on-a-real-person boyfriend, talking to Peter and Whitney through Skype call and they literally do a joke about him being copy pasted. Sigh. Remind me to not check on this comic in the next Webcomic Check.

[breaded-boi]

ngl i mourn for kids now because holy shit the toys do not have the same amount of detail or paint or anything nowadays. (with some exception, like i have no clue how MGA sells lol dolls for 20 bucks with the detail involved) the designers do the best they can but there's only so much you can do with modular plastic molds and stickers. i had a way better my little pony castle when i was 6 than the kids get now. like ok look at this.

This was the flagship g5 castle playset. and they try with nice molds, modular pieces, and leaning into a design that doesn't need much paint, right? The interactive bits are fun. But compared to what we used to have...

the motherfucking g3 celebration castle. The river, steps, climbing flowers, trim, rainbow-- all of it is painted detail. The inside does go with mostly stickers but that moat piece in particular is lovely. I may grab some more examples but my point is, the designers are still good, it's just wayyy more expensive to get stuff like this manufactured nowadays and it's sad that I idolized someday working in a toy industry that just does not exist the same way at all anymore. And I get if you may prefer the new design since the old castle is a little younger-skewed, but my point is the level of detail here is completely different between the two sets and both were suppose to be the "fancy deluxe birthday/christmas present" option for their respective generations. More examples--

I wasn't born in time to have clamshell polly pockets, but like.

The 2000 jungle pals set. Almost everything is colored!! the immersion is so good and the fact that it's a little fold-out house its so fucking cute. The gradient on the leaf canopy. there are modular pieces but the painted details bring it alllll together.

I didn't have this one but the little trees. the chair. come on. come onnnn

The modern polly, this is the most expensive set listed on mattel's site right now. And everything is either a separate mold or a sticker and i dunno like they try and it doesn't look super bad but it's not at all as immersive. they seem to push the interactive/moveable pieces to try and make up for the loss of immersion but its not the sameeee :( not to mention im honestly not a huge fan of the way they're pushing this particular palette of purple/teal.

This is an older set, and it uses similar colors to much better effect. even with hardly any painted detail the objects they choose to populate the scene with are tailored to that chunky look. Imo if you aren't going to paint a piece, molded detail can be a double-edged sword. the door and furniture in the modern set look much more like just chunks of plastic to me compared to the little food court chairs or the shrub in this one, because the pieces do not call attention to details that seem like they should be colored. There isn't much paint on this one, but if the floor flowers or the ferris wheel were just one solid color it would definitely hurt the appeal ykno?

now, littlest pet shop. im gonna take a second to spotlight the REAL old lps toys before the bobblehead style really came about because I had these as a kid (had a relative with an antique shop, these were before my time and I was lucky) and they are. just. the small amount of painted detail paired with good color choice really makes these work (had to take some of these from ebay listings, it's hard to find good pics)

The duck pond. Painted details on the trellis!! and the magnetic wand you could use to make the ducks swim 🥺 The swan pond is even more beautiful

Even some of the less detailed sets from this era still have enough painted detail on at least one part to help it feel less like just a hunk of plastic.

I don't dislike modern toy design, but it makes me sad. And obviously, I don't know anything about the working/manufacturing conditions at play here and no painted detail is worth compromising on good conditions. It's just wild, looking back. Kids today don't know what they lost :/

[x-bakitakosikiko]

How love can be traumatizing for me.

(This is based on my real experience with my last relationship nung college)

7 years ago, 2016, nasa isa akong *akala ko* ay healthy relationship, unlabeled, mutual understanding, alam naming merong kami, pero we never officially declared na we’re in a relationship, 3 years passed, akala ko okay kami. Nalaman ko from a friend na every after niya akong ihatid sa sakayan ng bus, He’ll meet up with different guys.

One day, somewhere around the area of a mall na madalas naming puntahan magbabarkada, nahuli ko silang nag-smack *quick kiss sa lips”. Pinalampas ko, umalis ako, umiyak. I was tooo dumb to make a move dahil ayokong masira ang relationship namin.

Then it happened, pumunta ako sa apartment niya. Nahuli ko silang nagsesex. Punched my boyfriend, ran away and cried.

The next day, we were sitting quietly sa council office, no one dared to say a word. Til I broke down and begged, na please wag kaming maghiwalay, ano bang kulang saakin, ��wala, hindi lang ako masatisfy”, “i think we should grow, and mature, but we have to do it our separate ways.”

Ako si Tanga,

*Verbatim

“pwede bang please, next week nalang? Para alam ko na maghihiwalay na tayo?”

“No, ayoko nang saktan ka pa.”

“Please, Toff, I beg you. Wag muna, di ko pa kaya.”

“Mas lalo ka lang masaaktan”

“Pwede bang kahit one last hug, please, please, nagmamakaawa ako, one last kiss, one last hug.”

Hindi siya umimik, hinayaan lang niya akong yakapin siya. Hanggang sa bumitaw na ako at umalis nang umiiyak nang hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal.”

(No joke, minsan may mga bagay na akala mo lang sa teleserye nangyayari, pero tangina nangyayari pala talaga sa totoong buhay.)

Now, i’m courting someone, clearly stated our step up na, since di kami exclusive, it won’t stop him from dating other guys, hooking up or having fwb.

Okay, I understand.

Akala ko I really understand, pero PUTANGINA, sobrang sakit, na nababasa ko yung mga tweets na “oomf otw here” “di na ko magdadrama, ready na ulit kumantot.” “pumatong kay oomf tonight.”

Yung ako mismo yung nakakabasa, at nakakaalam at nakakaramdam *before I even read the tweet, i already felt from his last message na fuck may kakantutan to*

Bakit ko nanaman ba pinasok yung ganitong setup, tinitiis yung sakit at hindi bumibitaw. Kahit alam mo nang may trauma ka na.

One phrase:

“Mahal kita.”

[liarasdf]

Cheers to 17- 18th!

35 minutes before my legality. It's ending already. I'm scared, excited, shaking, anxious, all at once. Pero sa pagkakataong ito, isa lang ang hinihiling ko: Maging masaya sa isa sa mga magiging highlight ng buhay ko.

*12AM, June 25*

Happy Birthday, L! Sabi ko last month pa lang bago matapos 'yung school year, magsusulat ako para sa mga natitirang oras ko as a 17-year-old girlie, e. (Tangina parang mamamatay na ako ah?) Anyway, ayon, dahil mas umiral pa rin talaga 'yung katamaran, ngayong after birthday ako nagsusulat. (O, 'di ba parang tanga lang.) Pero siguro mas pinili ko na lang 'to para mas ramdam.

Simulan muna natin sa naging emphasis ng buong 17th year ko. Ayon, grade 12 na ako. Senior. Seniorita as my last year as a highschool student. Honestly, 'di ko alam paano ipapaliwanag kasi sobrang mixed emotions and ang overwhelming ng lahat ng experiences. Siguro ano na lang, literal na kinabahan ako kasi noong g11 pa lang kami, like orientation pa lang ata no'n or patapos na 'yung school year, may kumausap sa'min na senior namin na dating Humanista rin. Binigyan kami ng heads ups, reminders, mga babala, and more on what to expect on our last year as SHS Tomasinos. Shockingly, nakinig ako sa mga sinabi niya and talagang naselyo siya sa utak ko. Edi nag-anticipate na ako ng mga mangyayari, I even prepared myself because one of the things or words that strucked me the most from the speaker that talked to us was, "Creative Writing" and "Creating Non-fiction" which are all about WRITING. OO, WRITING - my worst and most exciting fear.

Fast forward, nag full face-to-face na kami. For almost three years, naramdaman ko ulit yung pisikal na pagod sa pagcocommute mula Ugong hanggang Blessed- ay hanggang UST na pala. Pumikit lang ako, nasa dream school ko na ako nag-aaral- hanggang college! It still feels surreal. Daming ganaps for real to the point na I can't even list them all kasi super mixed emotions ng senior year ko, and the past half months ng buhay ko. Ano ulit? Super begging for attention na naman ako, nag-amfee moments na naman sa ibang tao na akala ko kinaganda ko na. Fuck. Nasanay lang siguro akong sumandal sa balikat ng mga tao. Naalala ko 'di ko pala puwedeng gawin 'yon sa lahat. Apologies.

Ano pa ba? Shet. Siguro 'yung umabot din ako sa buhay ko, for the first time in my life, na na-confuse ako sa orientation ko dahil sa isang tao. I mean, this is very inevitable and I'm not closing my doors sa pagiging gay, but I feel like hindi ko PA makita 'yung sarili ko sa same gender relationship. Maybe admiration lang talaga kaya ko.

Dami pa actually. Naging tanga sa pag-ibig na hanggang ngayon, fuck, when will I ever learn ba? Bigyan niyo na ako ng bago, 'yung mas better, 'yung mas deserve ko. EMZ. Uhm, playing 17 by Avril Lavigne non stop and setting it as "my song" kahit na I don't relate to most of its lyrics, basta ma-fit lang kasi nga 17 ako. Ewan. Masyado kong niromanticize pagiging 17 years old ko simply because ayaw kong mawala 'yung concept ng pagiging minor de edad ko. Well, the time's up and now I'm entering my adulting age.

Basta to summarize this all, I am really, and will be forever grateful for all the experiences, people, life lessons that I've learned in my 17th age and I'm really looking forward sa pag-uumpisa ng aking adulthood. I really hope that the next following years of my life treat me the way that I deserve, like what my one treasured friend said to me that made my heart touched and melt. I will really miss you.

Anyway, cheers to 18th, L! I really wish you all the best and please make good choices in life kasi tangina 'di ka pusa na merong siyam na buhay tulad nina Vivi and Hype. Bitch isa lang buhay mo. ISA LANG. Always aim for progress and please do not be hard on yourself anymore. I'm really begging and on my knees right now.

For the last time, Happy Birthday, L! Be happy. Be strong. Maging maganda palagi at ibalik ang alindog :)

L.

[rosiehrs]

STORYTIME!!!

So I’ve only been reading ksm*t on tumblr for about a year… but last year I found a bunch of writers that are just fucking INSANE. Like to the point where I was thinking “dapat naay bayad para basahon” ana sila kahawod. But this ONE writer, they had a fucking amazing nayeon fic that I read, like spicy stuff aside it was incredible work. Then I read their 21k word chaeyoung fic… and their two part miyeon fic… and I was obsessed. At that point I was just like, “Oh. my fucking God.” Their work changed my life from that point on.

And like I’d interacted with them here and there for a few months this year but LAST month I just DM’d one time like “hey ik u dk me like that but just wanted to say ur so nice and welcoming and ur work is lifechanging” and ever since we’ve just been talking about anything and EVERYTHING, shows movies music books, oversharing about our lives and interests, etc. Damn near every day. They’re slowly converting me into a swiftie and arianator too. I’ve even been sending them my own original songs and they gassed it up… and just every day I become more delusional and obsessed..

AND I STILL DON’T KNOW THEIR REAL NAME. ITS BAD DZAI

THE WAY I JS TRIED LOOKING FOR THEIR ACCOUNT AND I FUCKING CANT. BUT HUY BE DELULU UNTIL ITS TRULULU. GA STORYA NA GANI MO, WHY NOT

SANA ALL MAKA CHAT EVERYDAY.... ANG MGA TAO THAT I DMED WAY INTEREST SAAKO BAI.. GUSTO RA GANI KO MAKIG-MIGO PERO IN FAIRNESS IM SO BAD AT STARTING CONVOS. ONCE I STARTED ONE THREATENING THEM (AS A JOKE) BUT NO WONDER WE NEVER SPOKE AGAIN AFTER. I DO NOT BLAME THEM AT ALL.

[patalipat-blog]

I'm upset, positively

I'm so upset, and I don't even know where to start, how to start talking why. This sem, I'm taking up FBS 136: Forest Ecology, and my Prof is Ma'am Alona. And omg, she's so good that she's always earning my respect each class session. Today we just had a 3-hour session and my, I came out of the class very upset (but in a good way).

Hindi ako upset sa subject haha. Lalong hindi ako upset kay Ma'am. Pero sobrang namove ako sa dami ng realizations.

For context, Ma'am Alona is an Associate Professor here in CFNR. 3 years pa lang siya rito, but she spent 22 years teaching sa Malaysia. She earned her Forestry degree here, then her Forest Botany and Forest Physiology degrees sa Malaysia. She's very kind, tactless, witty, and intelligent. Jusko, kada session napupuno lagi ng trivia ang notes ko. Tas ibang klase, she would explain the lessons using wisdom from the field, using lots of real-life examples na para kang nakikinig ng National Geographic or what. Iba talaga pag iseself-study mo ang isang particular concept. Matututunan mo sa libro yung theoretical side, yung definitons etc. Pero iba kapag someone so experienced ang magdidiscuss nung concepts na yun. Ang usual reactions ko ay either "whaaaat ganun lang pala kasimple yung concept na yun?" or "whaaaaat ganun pala magkakarugtong ang concepts na yun, ganun pala ang implications?"

Isa pa sa pinakanakaupset sa akin today is when SDGs were mentioned. Fuck, ilang taon akong trainer sa KIC. Ilang taon nang laging tinatarget ang SDG 6: Clean water and sanitation tas kung ano-ano pinapainnovate sa mga bata. Pero with this particular subject, jusko. Unang una, people are the ones polluting the water. And we want to produce some innovations in order to clean our wastewater. Yung production itself ng devices, consume a lot of water. Kaya pala, for the longest time parang hindi nagsisit well sa akin yung life ko doon sa KIC. I mean, I'm happy with the kind of people na kawork ko doon. Pero hindi ako 100% satisfied with my existence there. Ayun pala, really, I'm not for too much innovations. Hindi talaga yun ang linya ko.

We want clean water? Simple lang. Let's plant more trees. Let's take care of our forests. Kasi naturally the forests would do the water cycling and protection for us. In terms of access, we can easily tap the water from our water tables, but the next conundrum is are we harvesting so much water that our lands are in danger of collapsing/eroding? Do we also give enough structure and space for our aquifers to recharge? Jusko, andaming red flag.

Our "civilization" has been so bent in harvesting water for human consumption, to the point na sobrang exploitative na ng ways natin. We forget to realize na nature has its own way of repairing itself. Humans just hamper it. We also borrow these resources from nature. But humans exploit nature so much. And now that we recognize how scare clean water is becoming, we resort to producing more and more devices that we think would solve our water crisis when in fact there's been an age-old fact that could easily fix our water woes --- rainforestation. Forest rehabilitation.

And speaking of forests, I also have another subject this sem. FBS 161: Plant Anatomy. At first I thought it's just another anatomy subject, but boy was I slapped with harsh reality. Microscopic anatomy pala ito jusq! But in fairness, I learned a lot of simple but tedious but very rewarding techniques in learning plant anatomy. Thanks to my professors, Ma'am Marilyn Q and Ma'am Marilyn C.

Ma'am Q is actually a University Researcher. Very tactless siya, straight to the point. Maldita ba haha, pero actually very kind and witty. Sa kanya ko natutunan na if you wanna learn it, you really need to do it and work hard for it. Hindi ko exactly alam ang full educational background ni Ma'am kasi wala siya masyadong info online. Pero naencourage ako sa style ni Ma'am na parang barely there pero parang omniscient haha. Yun bang para kang itinulak sa tubig tas bahala ka matuto lumangoy, pero andun pa rin sa gilid nakatanaw sayo and checking kung lunod ka na ba talaga o ano hahaha.

Si Ma'am C naman, halos seldom lang din naglecture sa amin. Pero naglecture siya twice. Unang lecture was about importance of studying plant anatomy in forestry. Second lecture was yesterday, about plant primary and secondary structures. Grabe rin ang wisdom ni Ma'am. Ang pinakanacapture ko kay Ma'am is yung anatomy ng plant ay directly nakaangkla sa kanyang physiology. Plant anatomy is directly linked to function. It is also a manifestation of how well the plant adapts to its environment. Kung unusually bigger man or smaller or absent ang anatomical part ng isang plant, it's because that's the plant's way to adapt to environmental stresses. Yung dati-rati na alam ko lang sagutin kung "ano" ang mga bahagi ng halaman, after this class natutunan ko nang intindihin "bakit" ganoon ang parts ng plant, "bakit" doon nakaposition ang ganito at ganyang part, "bakit" may trichomes sa ganitong part, may stomata sa ganitong part, may kung ano-anong parts na ganito ang hugis o anupaman. Parang wow, oo nga no. Ang boring intindihin ng mga ito kung imememorize mo lang lahat. Pero kung iintindihin mo para saan sila. Bongga, ang dami mong pwedeng marealize. At mas madali mo rin sila maiinternalize. As far as I know nag MS and PhD si Ma'am C sa Seoul. Bongga hehe. Naging consultant din siya sa Forest National Service doon. 12 years na si Ma'am C sa CFNR, and siya ang kasalukuyang Dept. Chair.

Grabe, maligaya ako na itong foundational courses na ito ay tinake ko this sem. Maligaya rin ako na sila ang mga naging guro ko. Kasi ang dami kong natutunan, narealize, at mas nafuel yung desire ko to continue learning. In fact, nafuel yung desire ko to take up space somewhere na talagang mas magiging worth ang efforts ko. Mahal ko ang pagtuturo, pero nakakapagod kapag nakukulong lang sa Goa. Nakakapagod pag nakukulong lang sa same old routines doon sa Pisay. Palagay ko mas magiging useful ako somewhere else.

Nashake din ang aking focus jusko. I mean, I still really like Forest Entomology. Ngunit grabe itong Plant Anatomy and Forest Ecology, kabog. Sure ako, sobrang gusto ko ng Ecology. Sana nga may 200-level na subjects tungkol sa Ecology, pero parang wala na talaga ehh huhu.

As for Forest Entomology, this sem nagsit in ako sa isang undergrad course pero hindi full ang experience kasi sa lab sessions lang ako nakakajoin. Next sem, dalawang Entom subjects na ang itetake ko. Excited ako, lalo na maiconnect din sa Entomology yung learnings ko sa Plant Anatomy at lalong lalo na sa Forest Ecology. Sa ngayon marami pang tatapusiiiiiiiiiin 2 weeks na lang ang sem huhu! Sana'y magtuloy-tuloy ang aking drive to study huhu!

[benefits1986]

etching-ngalingngaling

Deep cuts close but don't necessarily make you forget the pain, the blood, and the burn.

When you find yourself in a place that you've been through before, you can't help but laugh and cry. You know you've made so many mistakes, and this time, you're hopeful that you've learned the lessons, especially the hard ones.

How do you know you're making the right choice? Is there even a right choice to begin with? Or is it just a matter of choosing and standing by the choice you picked through it all?

When a yes or a no will determine the next "grown-up" years or so, will you make the familiar choice that ended up in a total shitshow, or would you dare jump into the unknown, the unfamiliar, the super unexpected one?

Kaka-Sarte mo 'yan, mhiema, pero sige, push.

Choices. CHOZESSSS.

I remember a super close friend ask me straight up: Ano ba kasing gusto mo talaga? Anong balak mo sa buhay mo?

I guess I'm really not thinking about my life for quite some time. I've been grappling with its meaning and end of having this nothingness. These days, I'm hanging onto to a few things like my dad saying that: Anak, dapat mauna ang magulang sa anak. We had this convo some months back. It's our first time to have a convo without the angas, the pride, and the init-ulo and all shit.

I have a few more glimmers I hang onto especially during the dark and murky days. And then, there's you. AHHHHHHGGHHHHH.

That bundle of unknown unraveling bit by bit. That vulnerability and transparency that's just crazy good. That weird vibe that jives with my innate and kadire kaweirdohan. That TMI 10000000000 that makes me stop and actually give a fuck. That trigger allows me to share my real feelings about things I usually don't talk about like Tito Berdugo and the gory deets. That look that wonders and wanders. That shy vibe mixed with boldness even when at times, I know I'm really going hard on pulling away. That effort is so subtle but sapul. That surrender even when you're already way up there.

For someone who is not keen on giving a fuck about my feelings, this is something so out of my character. However, this is me trying to give things a try forda greater good, sana? If there's one thing stopping me from going all in, it's because I know that I can't afford to hurt you because you've been through so much. And shemay, 'yun ang 'di ko sure kasi alam mo naman, so Labobo tayo sa mga ganyang bagay among other things. So, ayun nga. Alam mo naman sa mga aging millennials 'di ba? Kaya pa ba? Kaya ko ba? Kaya pa ba 'to?

This time around, I'm also trying my best to heal me, too. Shemayyy, 'Pag sa sarili mo talaga, iba e. Ang lala pero sige, try natin, since you're trying your best too. LULULLULLULLLULL. Halaaaa. Ano naaaaaa?

[doctorstarinken]

Last Few Weeks of 35 Gratitude List

Stolen from the only person I know who still screams into the Millennial void that is tumblr.

The Pie Studios: Seven years from being Nels' assistant to now having my own keys to the place and running my own sessions. I still get giddy af whenever I park my car, enter the gate code, and open the doors to the studio. While the dream is very much Abbey Road, The Pie Studios is where I grew up and came into my own as a pianist, producer, composer, and audio engineer. Music school was fucking cool and I learned so much both at CalArts and New School, but The Pie Studios and Nels very much serves/ed as my real education.

Emily: Having a best friend as a romantic partner who also doubles as a confidant and also triples as a very astute artist manager is probably the biggest hack I have in life. She'll be upset that she is second in this list. But she will also realize that my lists are never in order and they are just lists. Marriage is difficult but I'm grateful to have a spouse who is hip to the difficulty of marriage and is willing to try to work it out.

Parents + Sister: I have three classmates from both undergrad and grad school that are Filipino/a/x. While I've met more and more mga kapwang Pinxy since graduating, the fact still remains that a Pinxy person working full-time in music is a rare sight. Music is a hobby and should never be pursued as a career. Thankfully my parents did not and do not see it that way. Throughout my life I have wanted to quit but it has been my mom and dad who have always encouraged me not to. It is one thing for parents to quietly support their child in their endeavors, it is another thing entirely to vocally and (let's be real here) financially support them. ... What do I say about my baby sister? She's my first best friend and my first roommate. I often tell folks that she is a perfect human and I stand by that. Who wouldn't be grateful for a perfect sibling?

Friends: Out of everything/everyone in this list this group is the one I take the most for granted. I'm a selfish, dramatic, intense, and a bit of an asshole. Despite all this I can count of a lot of people to be my friend and sibling. There are a lotta lonely people out there. Thankfully I will never be one of them because of the friends I've made. Three-times for all the homies: Brap-Brrap-Brrrap!

Music: I still love music. There is a lot in my life that I question and there is a lot in my life that I feel uncertain about. I am one of the most insecure persons I know and whatever confidence I project is often a farce. But one thing that I do know without with ever fiber of my being is that how I feel about music is still the same. Selah

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

2.23.24 Friday

6:48 am

I still have windblow.... I wonder if Uncle DD And Aunt Karen are part of the Harry Potter or Hocus Pocus....

Hmm.... Early in the morning John got so many poops, he pooped inside the bathroom floor and in the kitchen.... Anyways, I need to recover myself these days coz by next week will apply again....

Plus, the bug bites that I got from Conduent is healing, I wonder if there were bad witches there...

John needs to shower??? Meaning time to clean the bathroom as well... I wish to have extra fundings, so that I can bring him regularly to the groomer...

I'm panicking in a way, I need money for my personal expenses and my vanity and travel. I feel frustrated since 2007, I really wanna leave Cavite to have some progress...

I feel self-pity, in a way....I can't get progress...

8:08 pm

Uncle DD is putting a spell on us here probably... He sometimes gave a hint... even that Uncle Jun...

Jealousy of their hearts...Where are those tunnel???

Still,my phone is not working well since yesterday that I received my slimfast.

Why,people are jealous of me? I had yaya's guys or angels... I was one of the genuine... I had yaya's...

Now, I can't connect to our wifi and my bluetooth as well... Someone can hack...

8:28 pm

Someone can control my phone... Even those Immaculate Conception Academy group are on mystery as well...

From the past days, I was trying to kick the negative energy coz there is a negative energy.

But I'm a strong willed kind of person there is no negative energy that I can't conquer!!!

Where is Mitch? Where are the Immaculate Conception Academy? Where are their tunnels??

Is Tita Fermin part of tunneling here in Cavite???

8:37 am

Someone put a spell on me, I have a strong willed and thickend face to the point callous is helpful to appreciate life when reality bites you unfairly...

I accidentally peed while sleeping but I know it was a spell... It is natural if somone is jealous and cursing you but I'm still a strong willed kind of person!

10:07 am

Kaapal ng mukha nyo! My hacker thickened face of you! I'm the real one... I'm one of the genuine... I had yaya's....

For my my hacker fuck you for downgrading my phone system ha!

What am I gonna do Samsung???

Mga maarteh dyan na walang yaya mas maganda na kayo saken and mas makinis! Kapal ng mukha nyo! Kilos2x!

I still have windblow!!

Kapal ng mukha nyo dito sa Cavite! KALYO KAYO SA PANINGIN KO!! ( Thicked face here in Cavite! You are all callous on my eyes! )

12:07 noon

John doesn't want to go out under the table,very stubborn... It is his schedule to take his shower coz I already cleaned the bathroom....Even if I show him his treat he is ignoring me... Stubborn! I'm somehow stress...

Plus, my phone can't connect to wifi and my bluetooth is not working! What'a up Samsung???

8:56 pm

Angels, I left my phone in SAVEMORE SALITRAN coz it didn't consistently open due to system update coming from Samsung. I know they are considered in a way a new people that I can be trusted coz they always help me if I had have trouble on my Samsung phone. But this is the first time I left it with Kuya or Brother R-Jay for total check-up of my Samsung Phone.

I will go back tomorrow noon to claim my phone. I saw people or customers who left as well their phone and they just claimed it the next day.

I went there around 2pm and returned around 5pm and still the phone is on recovery and I know they are telling the truth. I just want my angels on the other side to know that my phone is not with me right now... I also checked that the update is not successfully consistent it takes 30 minutes and sometimes it will repeat again. It is important for me to put here in detail that I left my phone on Kuya R-Jay and Renz. Someone from the 2 of them knew my password but I can change it by tomorrow.

9:48 pm

I still have windblow angels... I'm having anxiety on money... I need to get a job as soon as possible... By next week will apply on VXI and hopefully and I pray I can get a J.O. or job offer... I'll be out of money, in a lil while...

10:03 pm

I'm a true friend, angels... This can be as well an alternative to slimfast as meal replacement for 2 or just every dinner... Anchor more protein and calcium and some vitamins... Just for 154 pesoses but slimfast is much more complete vitamins but if you are really on the abs journey like me or dieting... But I ate crinkles today hahah...

10:19 pm

One more thing i hope I can get a job soon for me to buy new phone using installment on "home credit".

10:52 pm

I feel bad, youtube removed my live video and they just left this " Having You Near Me"... I saved 2 videos... Awhile ago I told Kuya R-Jay and Renz that I will cry if they can't recover or save my pictures coz it is important for me to have a selfie, so that I can have my own made memories when I get older. It is good to tell a story with a pictures as memories and so that friends can see what you are sharing about...

Nowadays I can't arrange an album and can't print pictures coz I'm always on a tight budgeting.

11:06 pm

I still have windblow... I feel bitterish that there are group of people who are sabotaging me like on my youtube someone removed my other video that I uploaded the same day I uploaded the " Having You Near Me". I was thinking of memories here while I'm still young but hoping and praying for golden aging and I wanna do nose perfection and remove my deep smile line.

We are going to old roads in a lil while... It is so good to have selfies or memories... People who have paparazzi's and always looking good and having high talent fees are really lucky and in a way blessed people. If only I ca have paparazzi's for my pictures, wow! It is a happy thing to have ....

11:28 pm

Check this out angels...My baby John when he was 4 or 5 months...

11:41 pm

Flash back:

[icantevenrantinmymain]

eto na pala mga gamit mo. hindi pa to kumpleto isusunod ko mga naiwan, yung mga nasa baba ill send sa bahay niyo sa ilo lahat. lahat ng binigay mo ibabalik ko, kahit pinakamaliit na keychain. ayoko ng kahit anong gamit na binigay mo kasi it felt na it didnt come from the heart especially the time malapit sa breakdown mo. You were trying to bribe me, buying my attention and affection like you think i was that shallow? sa tagal kitang laging kinocomfort pag nagkakaroon ka ng episodes and moods, sa dami ng mga bagay na ginawa ko para sayo ako pa tinatawag mong walang hiya sa likod ko? ibabalik ko lahat ng binigay mo sa akin, those that i cant i will pay in cash kasama yung sinasabi mong utang ko sayo na deposit. i will admit, marami akong utang talaga before pa and i didnt realize na yung mga libre mo is just you buying me. maybe it didnt start that way, pero it became obvious near and during your breakdown. you were giving me gifts, lagi mo akong 'nililibre' and basically love bombing me. you dont take no for an answer and then you get all sad when i do. alam mo nakakasakal na sobra. matagal na. hindi ko lang masabi kasi i was hoping na you would get better and then you could handle real emotions. pero ngayon ano? bumalik ka lang sa dati, naghanap ka pa ng mga tao na magvvalidate ng kwento na ginawa mo na ako lahat may kasalanan. alam mo salamat. salamat kasi kahit ganito nangyari satin you gave me enough courage to want to grow. unfortunately i was growing more than you could and you kept on holding me back. sinabi mo sakin one time nung depressed ka na you think i would be better off kung umalis ka and i said no. you know what i really wanted to say? yes. you were holding me back because i have to cater to you mood swings and your mental illness that im not even responsible for! You were using my reassurances as a crutch, you werent even trying to expand your deep friends! you just kept clinging on me and i fucking hate it! "when you say meet new friends it feels like youre pushing me away." I WAS!!! I WAS TRYING TO PUSH YOU AWAY GENTLY BECAUSE I WAS SO FUCKING TIRED AND I FELT SO CAGED IN I JUST HAVE HALF THE MIND TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE SAYING ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!! i want to fucking hurt you by words so bad because its the only way it would stick forever. you said you would try and be better and i was so proud of you, but then i learned you stopped taking meds and stopped talking to your therapist. you know what im just so tired. just thinking what happened back then it really makes me angry and i cant even finish what i would want to say.

i heard you were talking shit about me na 'di ba ako nahiya sa mga ginawa mo para sakin'.wow. WOW. ikaw pa may lakas ng loob sabihin yan? sige isa isahin natin ginawa mo for me not complete list sure ako meron ka pang naalala na gusto mo isumbat sakin. una, nililibre mo ako, sige bayaran natin ng pera yan. sunod binibigyan mo ako ng 'gifts', sige ibalik lahat yan. tinulungan mo ako sa mga homework, lagi kang nagaask ng favor sa prof para sakin and the group, alam ko naman na flexing your connections gives you a sense of ego boost kasi you dont have a self that you can stand alone with. most of the homeworks i dont even want you to do, i became so dependent of you which is what i think you wanted. pero i hated what i have become, wala akong motivation mag aral, ayoko na pumasok kasi iaasa ko lang sayo mga gagawin, i said no when you offered me to do homework and i hated that i have to do that just so you wouldnt. i hate that you were so game on doing things for me that is literally detriment for me. thats why i started saying no to you, and you know what happened? modd swings. you got depressed frequently it was so tiring. we go out a lot which i dont like but i dont want to stay with you while youre in a depressive mood. i cant do anything with that, di ko mababalik or mababayaran ng pera pero we didnt ask for it. I didnt ask for it. you always offered. you made it seem like theres no strings attach tapos susumbatan mo ako?

kapal ng mukha mo. why dont you try not offering, wag mo iflex connections mo sa tingin mo may gusto sumama sayo? karamihan ng mga 'friends' mo sa school sumasama lang kasi they can get something from you. That sense of ego boost na nakukuha mo kasi hinahanap ka ng mga tao would disappear kasi if you dont have that you have no means of knowing who you are. you were a wreck nung walang pumapansin sayo kailangan mo pa magdabog para lang may lumingon sayo. you know whats sad? if only you would really want to heal and not make your mental illness your personlity you would really excel. i gave you years of my life supporting you, reassuring you, fucking repressing myself so you wont get mood swings, tinanggap ko lahat ng physical abuse na nakuha ko during that week na halos himatayin na ako tumayo lang ako tapos ikkwento mo na walang hiya ako? bayaran mo lahat ng emotional investment na binigay ko sayo hoping you would get better. ibalik mo yung time na hindi ako traumatized dahil sayo. alam mo yung kwento mo about the people who left you? dati akala ko talaga you were wronged, pero ngayon na naexperience ko to? i had an idea what went wrong. maybe they were just horrible people, maybe they really just dont care. or maybe they were pushed so hard that they dont have any choice but to complete cut you out of their lives, like me. i know youd say "but you said you wouldnt leave me, that you would stay" and i did, didnt i? i stayed when you were having depression episodes, i reassured you multiple times, i always said you did a good job, to take your time. I fucking stayed when you were having a breakdown, when you hurt me physically and left huge bruises that my parents saw. i stayed when i was emotionally drained and i had half the mind to just tell you to kill yourself. i stayed when all i wanted was to leave. but what did you do? you fucking wanted more. you wanted the things you know you couldnt have, threw a tantrum using your mental illness as an excuse and then blame me for how everything went down? how fucking generous of you. HOW FUCKING KIND OF YOU. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU DID FOR ME. and whats more frustrating is that i really meant it when i said you were one of the first people i told secrets about, my father, my low self esteem, and how im scared of the future because i dont know what i want. i did became more open because of you and i really thank you for that. but becoming more open means growing, and even though i didnt know what i wanted to be that time i know i wanted to grow. i want more. im tired of what i was and where i was at that time. but you dont seem to want to leave that place. i outgrew you and you were hellbent on keeping me there. for what? to reassure you? to make sure that youre still worth something?

when i started this rant i thought i could go on for hours just typing everything calling you out on every single thing, but now that im writing this part. everythign is just suddenly calm. im rereading the parts i wrote and i dont feel anger anymore. maybe it will return maybe not. all i feel for you is pity. that you had the support you need and then you fucked it real bad. then you revert and find people who will comfort you but not encourage you to grow. im sorry youre stuck in that cycle. i really hope you get better. it is still annoying when i hear your voice and see you, if youve noticed i cant even look you in the face the last year we were roommates. i cant even feel the annoyance or anger i felt that time. ive spent enough time on you i think im done. looking back i really was making a lot of morbid jokes and saying i wanted to die and i thought it was just my humor, turns out it was a coping mechanism. now that im in a better place i couldnt even joke that, maybe from time to time but when i find the thought i dont really mean it. i dont actually want to die, i want to live and experience more. i think i do have a morbid sense of humor but i dont need it to be happy. im happy where i am now. i am more sure of myself, i have friends that i have good boundaries with, i am learning to establish my own boundaries, im unlearning the trauma you gave me with a supportive partner, im actually having plans for the future even if im scared and im still unsure if i can do it. im excited to live. im feeling real emotions. i cry a lot now but it feels so good being able to just let it out and let myself regulate properly. i know you will say i dont have a mental illness like you, yeah i dont and im lucky for that. but you cant use that as an excuse because people with mental illness like you were able to live full and happy lives. "but im different" theres a reason why they were able to diagnose mental illnesses, because theres a bunch of people that are the same as you and those people were able to cope. i know its not easy but some of them probably have a worse life than you had. i worked hard to reach where i am today and when i say that i really did. i had a lot of step backs and even thinking id die like that but i kept going. a part of me really wants to grow no matter how painful. and it is very painful. but its about learning and adapting, new experiences are scary pero it opens up new paths to explore.

if it wasnt obvious im saying goodbye. im severing ties na because not only it became toxic you were talking shit of me behind my back, even though i admit some of it are true, but i wouldve appreciated it if you told me straight. i wouldve paid and given you everything back. im just really disappointed with how you handled that and i know you hate that word but its the only word that can describe how i felt when i learned that. im disappointed in you. i still hope you get better but i wont be in it. in the future maybe there will be a chance to reconnect but for now im saying goodbye. i need to heal the trauma you left me. you can talk more shit behind my back i dont care now, it will all come back to you when they know the truth. i guess being in a better place is the best revenge after all.