#idk how to keep going tbh
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terrified of ending up alone but the more i go on everyday the more it seems glaringly obvious that i’m just not meant to be around others
#there’s something deeply wrong with me#something missing#i want it#i want to feel whole#i want to feel like a real person with a personality and not some shell#idk who i am outside of other ppl but i’m so alone#i feel like an outsider in my own family#they don’t even know who i am#and my friends are dwindling by the day#i’m so disconnected from others no matter how hard i try i’m just an outsider in everything#i feel like an outsider to myself aswell#i’m just going through the motions at this point idk what i feel or what i’m doing#i keep being told to take it a day at a time but i can’t#life doesn’t work that way#everything just feels so incredibly hopeless#idk how to keep going tbh#tw vent#autism#rsd#social anxiety#bpd#tw sui ideation#left behind#lonelly#anyways
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the opening lines of the shadow of the erdtree trailer remind me a LOT of a certain quote from another game:
and with this in mind, i really hope that the direction they go with miquella is less like the manipulative griffith-esque archetype some people are theorizing, and more like N’s characterization in pokemon black and white: someone very intelligent and powerful but naïve, whose honest attempts at creating a better world might bring about more destruction in the end.
#there’s also miquella’s curse of eternal youth vs N’s trauma and abuse keeping him stuck in a childish mindset#but idk how to fit that in here so it’s going in the tags#(and yeah of course i’m an N enjoyer it came free with the fucking neurodivergence)#and tbh i don’t think miquella’s goals will innately lead to destruction#i just think that would be an interesting direction to take it#but having him actually succeed in making a better world might be even more interesting lol#i just used what i did as an example for comparison purposes#elden ring#shadow of the erdtree#elden ring theory#miquella#pokemon black and white#n harmonia#natural harmonia gropius#speaketh#greatest hits
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(ID in alt) hi sorry for back to back marvel fanart I swear I still have dc stuff lmao. However I did recently read X-Men: first class and got a bit carried away doodling this after Lmao
#marvel comics#x men#scott summers#jean grey#hank mccoy#bobby drake#warren worthington iii#charles xavier#anyway#picked X-Men: First Class#out of sheer curiosity and desire to know more about the X-Men and I really enjoyed it!#Idk how in line with canon it but. Whatever tbh. Anyway that was the inspo behind this#just the og 5 fooling around and being silly teens#jean being the flirty one probably isn't very in character at this time period (jean doesnt really show any interest in scott in first clas#but it was too cute to pass up#also charles looks so much more pissed off than i intended 😭 there's this one issue of first class where he's just BERATING the xmen#just yelling at them psychically and eventually its revealed that it wasn't actually Charles but i didn't question it at first#which is kind of mean to charles. but idk i haven't gotten far with the x-men (im being very casual in my reading rn)#so maybe he deserves it#also i keep making bigger and bigger drawings bc i know that those print well#but i keeo forgetting that tumblr murders the quality of the image when you upload it. bwahhh#anyway i think i am finally going to knuckle down and open commission slots for part of july#idk how much a bad boy like this (lined coloured and shaded w/ multiple characters) would cost but we're gonna figure that out#honestly i might slightly under price them just to encourage ppl to spring for them#okay that's all for now I PROMISE I HAVE DC DRAWINGS TO SHARE i was just in a serious drawing funk and drawing some characters-#-that I'd never drawn before (like shulkie and now the xmen) helped break that funk!#mine
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i'm going through something very hard and i'd appreciate it if you guys could pray for me 🙏
#prayer request#things aren't looking good guys i'm so sad and so scared#i cried the whole evening tbh and i think i might keep crying tomorrow idk#i hope i'll feel better about it all tomorrow but idk how it'll go#my post#personal
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preview of my latest comic ... ive been reading too many 3rd year tddk fanfics lately -////-
#i was reading a fic where todo said like 'thank god izuku calmed down with the all might merch' so i thought hmmm how... would That happen#tododeku#izuku midoriya#shouto todoroki#shoto todoroki#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#bnha fanart#mha fanart#mha#bnha#tbh this is already in the queue But i may wait to post this bc i wanna post another one first so i can keep them in chronological order :/#we'll see if i finish that before saturday tho... tbh this one is pretty much way outta the timeline of my other comics#im going in canon order and this would probably be in their third (2nd if u wanna push it) yr at ua so... idk#the version of bnha that lives in my head#olly art
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still thinking about how even just the decision to basically act like the shiekah tech never existed is just ... so baffling to me
bc again you could have done all the sonau tech does with shiekah instead, and they were perfect to be explored more in a sequel, why wouldnt you grasp that potential, the literal building blocks for more??
if you are that tired of shiekah tech .. dont make it a fuckign sequel to the game prominently featuring it???? totk doesnt take place generations after botw in which things could have changed drastically, its just a few years afterwards??
you want to reuse the map and get rid of shiekah tech? ok fine take LINK into the past then and the focus is for you to find a way to return; do some neat twist where its revealed that link was the one who sealed gan bc he couldnt defeat him without zelda or something if you dare (they wouldnt)
want less work than that and still reuse the map and get rid of shiekah tech AND reuse characters? ok then make it some alternate universe thingy like majoras mask in which everythign is the same but also isnt, its weird and creepy how characters you thoguht you knew suddendly dont act like themselves, shiekah tech doesnt exist, malice is now miasma, etc, it would give reason to why you feel so much like something about this world is familiar yet also very wrong
as far as im aware every "sequel" we have had so far were either generations apart from the first one, some alternate universe or a different location altogether- in all of which its plausible that things are different, things seem weirdly familiar but also wrong, or that another continent just works different from hyrule
but totk does none of that, its supposedly just a few years after the first game, same world same character, but its BUILT like some strange jumbled mess of stuff from botw and new stuff out of nowhere that just .. doesnt fit, but feeling a strange sense of otherness, a déja vu of something you know but it acts off, like an imposter, thats NOT intentional and it shows, its a mess of botw stuff, from stuff that people missed from the old games and entirely new stuff; i dont doubt it CAN work but the way it turned out is like a mix of 3 different puzzles forced together and being told 'see it fits!' even tho you can clearly see the pieces dont look right in these places
again it feels like a sequel that desperately wants you to forget the first game happened, that anythign from it mattered at all
and that isnt really ... the sense of a sequel? why insist on it being one when it only creates problems? is it marketing?? just like it was marketing to call age of calamity a telling of what happened before botw but then it wasnt that at all and that is still the sole reason why i dislike it? bc i was lied to? totk is like 10000 times worse than that, its a main title and doesnt even have the excuse of yeah its basically an excuse to play all your fav characters in fun ways and the game beign well aware that being its main appeal; what is totk appeal? a toybox with botw aestethic and none of the flavor?
(on a sidenote; the sonau tech doesnt even .. matter? in botw at least calamity ganon was made of shiekah tech parts and him overtaking other tech is a big point, the sonau tech doesnt serve anything but .. idk minerus useless mech? gan doesnt even aknowledge it, he doesnt care, all it is is toys for the player, not link, but the player. the monsters mining the tech materials? what for? gan doesnt give a damn and they dont work for the yiga either??)
i said it before but it gives me the feeling that the way botw invited you to theorize, to look beneath the surface, the way it intrigued you and laid the groundwork for so many interesting things without denying anything.. was accidental? or perhaps put in the game without the directors noticing? i cant stop thinking about them saying sth like "after botw zelda wondered if the kingdom of hyrule needed to keep existing the way it had been before the calamity, but then totk happens" bc it just feels like they realized too late that botw naturally led into questioning the status quo and they scrambled to fit it back into a flat and boring road we have seen so many times before (or even worse really) with totk
zeldas character naturally leads into her questioning and reexamine their history and set of rules? we gotta teach her a lesson of why she is importante god given monarchy girl that has to keep it bc what if evil brown man shows up again for no reason
maybe im grasping at straws here but looking at it this way the sonau .. make more "sense"; the shiekah were a group that was under the rule of the royal family, and misstreated before (oh no look soemthing interesting) so they dont lend themselves well to be used for teaching zelda that lesson- the sonau however are tailored really to be just that; they are a supposedly godly race from the literal sky that founded this version of hyrule, that had tech even more advanced and better than the shiekah, she gets put in the past to meet the perfect god king of goodness personally, also his very fridgy wifey that zelda later replaces in a way, shes put there and treated like family and then gets to see just how evil that evil big man from the desert is, sonia is falcon-punched to death solely so zelda can feel obligated to take over her role, have her new, better 'family' hurt by gan; similarly so raurus sacrifice, look what a noble and good king he is, he payed the ultimate price to lock that evil man away, now zelda you cannot let their sacrifice go to waste, rebuild that divinely good kingdom like it was!!
and even though they go so much out of their way to put the cart back onto the rails of black and white-good and evil in an even flatter way than the old games, it still doesnt feel right, at least to me, it still feels like zelda shouldnt have gone along with all of that, it feels like even her character from botw was walked back entirely, except for the intro, it made her feel like a stranger to me-
because this is a sequel, i know this zelda, she wouldnt act like that after all that shes been through, this feels ... off
and it all just insulting to anyone who cared about botw more than surface level, or the zelda lore in general, i dont even care much about the timeline, but theres alot of lore and themes beyond it that felt ignored, especially so given that .. its a damn sequel, non AU, not generations apart, directly part 2-
but its not.
it even feels very "corporate", put zelda in a dress again, people liked that, put crazy abilities in the game to flashbang people with how insane it is even if its not the best for the gameplay or the story, put a new asthetic into it out of nowhere bc its 'new' and act like its been there the whole time, put gan in there bc people miss him and find him sexy even if his role is just as flat as that of an evil cloud monster-
*sigh*
you know, i saw a post that said aoc was like a bad fanfic (affectionate) and totk was like a bad fanfic (derogatory) and tbh thats like one of the best comparisons/summaries i have seen ..
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#totk#ganondoodles rants#long post#look at me go ranting again#there so much i still think about#none of my rants are ever complete tbh#its always a focus on one or two things#there so much to talk about#like all those questions tha shouldnt have been answered#anyway#spend enough time writing all this#also none of my rambling id consider analysis#bc i realyl dont know what im talking about#im just trying to find words for how i feel#and then ramble on#idk how this gets so long every time no matter how short i wanna keep it#i have trouble putting feeling into words and explaining myself#cant you tell? jfkdrghkjdfh
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#momonina#kindof. embarrassed to post this one bc its just pure fluff lmao… theyre so LAME in this pic (/j)#i can hear mmk going ったく…#nn’s outfits are always soooo cute though#waaaaaah i love the fashion….#miiiight color it though..#edit incoming#future pix here#mmnn#<- decided the drawings of the two of em can have momonina in them but if it leans more romo than plato it has mmnn#bc i rotate them in my head so fast#but as the days pass i get really crazy over them being Not Romantic but still More than That#im losing my Mind tbh#the only thing im certain of is that mmk is definitely a lesbian all things considered like look at her LMAO#everytime i rewatch i do consider how gay her actions are...???#(i've been rotating mmnn around in my mind since ep 1 tbh... the codependency was tempting...!)#but i keep thinking abt mmk herself saying “i saw my past self in you” in like. ep 2 already... and it would linger in my mind#i had written in my notes a While back#like when ep 4 was airing#that it just felt like mmk was trying to be kind to her past self ykno#because she believed that the her now... had failed in her dream#so yknow... by giving the guitar she was trying to have nn continue that dream for her (leading into mmk “guiding nn”)#ofc nn gives back her guitar though and i thank that person on twitter everyday for putting it so well#LIKE AGHHH THEIR MEETING WAS FATE BUT THE ACTIONS THEY TOOK TO PULL EACH OTHER UP... KILL ME!!!!#the choices they make regarding themselves... of staying true to themselves... hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgjhg#idk how many people will see this edit so im just treating it like the void (haha Void) here#(i've made that joke multiple times to myself now#i still think about. how mmnn were drawn to the honesty of each other#and yet. didnt exactly recognize each other as an actual person yet?#nn loved void and so loved mmk for creating it and saving her life. so mmk was a savior to her
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🎵 I know you don't like if I call you my boo 🎵
#only boo#only boo the series#kang x moo#kangmoo#sea dechchart#keen suvijak#seakeen#uservix#lextag#thai bl#bl series#bl drama#thai series#thai drama#bldramaedit#thaidrama#thaidramaedit#gmmtv bl#mygifs*#mine**#i don't think i ever mentioned how much i hate making gifs with lights in the back...#the colouring turns out horrible and the quality sucks big time#idk if i'll keep this set or if i delete it later tbh#might keep it cause of the time i spent making these and cause i loved this scene#even if it was in Kang's head i loved it. loved especially that he was the one going for the kiss!!
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What are life series things that happened in the series but you never/hardly see them used in fan content, and wish they were?
I’ll go first with the two that come to my mind immediately, both having Martyn for some reason:
- 3rd Life, Scott’s final death, when Martyn and Ren were chasing him, but Martyn wasn’t red so he couldn’t hurt Scott and instead tried to slow him down so Ren could catch him. One of Martyn’s attempts to get Scott to stop running (and the last one before Ren killed Scott I think!) was yelling stuff along the lines of “come here and give me a hug! I wanna cuddle before you die!” And I’ve never been the same since but nobody has done anything with it. Mean gills fans, I’m begging you. I don’t even care WHAT you do with this. Just anything.
- Double Life, we all know the boat boys died to that portal trap. People do plenty of fan content surrounding that. But what I DON’T see a lot of is the fact that Martyn went through the same portal trap, accidentally stumbling across the mine craft equivalent of their corpses. Pretty sure he got in the same spot Joel died. So Martyn’s “allies” (exes) had to pull him out of a crime scene. I’m like. Silently losing my mind about it and I don’t see any fan content with it. Martyn being stuck with Joel’s burning body in the portal trap that smelted Etho.
EDIT: SO I DOUBLE CHECKED AND I MISREMEMBERED. THEIR STUFF WAS NOT STILL THERE, IDK WHY I THOUGHT IT WAS. Making up memories fr 😭 but it’s still the same portal so yeah 😁 EDIT 2: Martyn did say he saw the items outside the portal so actually?
Please add anything that you personally think about a lot, any minor details that you think are neat or major things that happened that you’re honestly quite offended nobody’s done anything with. Anything you can think of.
#trafficblr#3rd life spoilers#double life spoilers#life series#mine are rather violent and gorey tbh (depending on how you choose to interpret the first one)#but it can be little things like. a flower. but most times ppl use flowers the fans go wild so idk.#it could be major events but a small detail that ppl keep leaving out when using it and u wish they didn’t#this isn’t meant to complain about the fandom. just to bring attention to things ppl overlook or didn’t notice. for fun!
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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Hehehe.... Just cut my hair on my own again... Oopsie <3
#My hair has been getting longer and it's been pissing me off a bit#I keep thinking abt going to get my hair cut but. I keep forgetting or get too lazy to go#So today while taking a shower I thought. Fuck it I'll just do it myself#And I did#Didn't even have a mirror. Not that it would help much#So yeah! I dunno how obvious it will look like once my hair are dry. Since they were short anyway and I didn't cut that much#Idk how uneven it will look like. And tbh. Kinda don't care#It just feels a bit nicer now uvu
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Honestly so good that I’m too shy to talk to people because I’m like 80% sure my impulsive ass would just ask strangers if they wanted to try to fall in love just to see if we could
#wlw#wlw mood#sapphic#sapphism#lesbian#i spend SO much time wondering if i could actually fall in love with people if i deliberately tried to#because tbh sometimes i think i could#and i just don’t like how complicated it all is#like sometimes i just wanna go hey lets just date and see what happens#skip all the rest of it#but you gotta keep safety first for one#and also i think most people Do Not Want To Do That#idk it’s 4 am#and i feel absolutely AWFUL#and SO antsy right now oh my god#i hate being simultaneously antsy anxious AND tired at once it feels so nasty#so i don’t really know if the tags make sense#the post should i drafted it a while ago#but was like maybe that’s weird and didn’t post it#BUT i keep feeling it soooo#here you go#sorry it’s 4 am im a mess#ignore me#and my tags#idk what i said pls take it as nonsense <3#im gay and i like sleeping
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i go back & forth on including misogyny/homophobia in my fantasy setting so much bc on one hand the whole conversation about "why would you put bigotry in an escapism fantasy" but also on the other hand. the power fantasy of rebuking both of those things/bigotry in general can be very cathartic & relatable. plus how else do i write the lonely lesbian angst that comes from having to face the double whammy of misogyny/homophobia if they don't exist in this world.
#rae.txt#i keep going back to like. 2015 tumblr when this discussion was at an all time high#and how the only reply to the last sentence would be 'well why not write about a happy experience instead!'#like sure. but thats not the kind of scene or the kind of character im writing.#also there needs to be room for all lesbian experiences not just the happy ones ! the upsetting ones let us know we arent alone in them too#idk. how do yall feel abt it. would love varying views on this tbh
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tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things
#sounds kinda obvious but i only just realized it lmao#feels like i have to grieve a lot of my goals now but no one said the healing process would be easy#danbles#and for anyone else that has a disability that prevents them from doing smth#or trauma that makes certain triggers limit their opportunities#or neurotypes that make it harder for them to love smth like they used to#or whatever else#i don’t want to make it sound like you have to give up on the things that make you happy#I’M certainly not going to#but a huge value of mine has always been experiencing everything life had to offer#and everytime that backfires (whether it’s burnout; triggering a flashback; triggering an episode; putting strain on my body; etc)#i always just thought to myself ‘it was bad timing’ or ‘i haven’t gotten better yet’ bc the endgoal was to always get to that point where#i could experience it. i want to try new things all the time. i want to feel normal and be included in everything#but if smth keeps Making Me Feel Bad then maybe there isn’t a version of myself that can take it on#it’s not resilience to put yourself in harm’s way#idk how well i’ll be able to put this into practice tbh. i rly rly like exploring different experiences#even negative ones are valuable to me#but the least i can do for myself is recognize that i might not always be the problem#maybe i’ve already hit the limit on all the self-work i can do. maybe it’s the environment or situation itself that’s the problem#fuuck guys i feel like i’m going thru a stage of grief here why is this shit so hard 💀
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i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo
#ganondoodles talks#also probably sounds like self pity#but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist#i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think#but the internet never gets to see that much of me#i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere#so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing#i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out#i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with#i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong#im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh#it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again#sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with-#-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it#doesnt sound like a good excuse#... i want to thank those that do stick with me#even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise#there are little things that still make me angry at myself#like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing#and i got two#and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop#i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late#i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom#no matter how much i enjoy the ask#and i love getting asks!!!#im sorry :((
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Man,,,I’m so tired
#there’s always something going on somewhere in this community that I need to care about#Some problematic person or friend groups who hate each other#Characters you’re allowed or not allowed to draw#You have to like vore one of two hyper specific ways and if you go outside of that then YOU’RE the problematic one#Each part of the community keeps splitting off smaller and smaller and they all hate each other it feels like#Main fandoms hate you for existing and OCs get headcannoned beyond recognition#Idk how to tag this I’m just having a moment#I don’t even want to be in the ‘vore community’ I just want to post stuff#And not fear for my life if I post something slightly out of the norm#Like I like fatal and reformation and I like slightly spicier stuff between couples and I like familial and teens being goofy and#It just feels impossible to exist like that idk#Might delete later tbh#I’m just tired of all the rules and the feuds and the fighting#vent post
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