#idk how to explain exactly what i mean but. yeah. i think i've got a point at least

[offthedeeepend]

,

[amourningcrow]

some thoughts on the lucanis romance. caution! spoilers

you know, i've seen a lot of people complaining about how lucanis's romance is somewhat lacking and i agree, at least a little - i can't say i enjoy the scene where you lock in his romance (could have been a banter) and i honestly didn't get that it was supposed to be a 'i'm scared of wanting you' kind of romance until the end where he actually said that (i was constantly sleep deprived while playing though, so maybe that one's on me) - but i don't really think more scenes were really necessary. i loved the last one and the one in the middle was also pretty good, even though i didn't like how scripted it was.

what i really, really miss in this are the party banters. you know, like the one with alistair and wynne, where she teases him about checking out the warden?

imagine for a moment: davrin and lucanis

'they're fine.'

'i- what?'

'they're fine. you keep staring at their legs, but the venatori barely even graced them. you can stop checking every time they climb up a rock or bend to pick something up.'

'of course! i was checking on their injury! that damn venatori, nearly got them, huh?'

... (awkward silence)

'right.'

oooor maybe taash and lucanis?

'you're not being subtle, you know'

'excuse me?'

'saw you sneaking in with rook's favourite food yesterday.'

'so? i make everyone's favourite every once in a while.'

'not in the middle of the night just after they tell you, you don't'

... (stony silence)

'yeah'

ooooor i dunno, harding and lucanis?

'lucanis?'

'hmmm?'

'it would be okay, you know. if you liked someone and told them how you feel. hypothetically.'

'what? what are you talking about?'

'nothing. i just... thought someone should tell you.'

'mierda, harding, there's no one like that. so this is completely irrelevant.'

'hmhm, sure. but in theory, if there was... i'm pretty sure they like you, too. and you both deserve to be happy.'

i'm obviously not a writer, but i really think some stuff like that would have helped to set up the romance more. i tried so desperately to look through the game and find something, and maybe i just haven't discovered it yet! but the few banters i did find were all after the relationship was officially established. i don't know. i'm really disappointed because i think the potential was there, it could have been such a sweet, angsty slow-burn but they just.. didn't set it up right? the yearning™ feeds on other people seeing exactly what is going on and rolling their eyes at the idiots involved not getting on with it (/getting it on lmao). maybe something like that was planned but they had to cut it because all the companions had to get their 'making it official' chat at the same time? and pretty late in the game, too. that would sort of explain why his relationship with neve was more fleshed out as well. idk. that and my added frustration that i can't really roleplay my rook the way i want (in my roleplaying game) probably means i'll just have to write some stuff myself. and wait for someone to search through the audio files so i can get my grubby raccoon hands on all the banter i didn't hear yet 🤞

[modernmessydisaster]

Agatha All Along Theory

Aside from the Funko spoilers (HOW CAN YOU MESS THAT UP!?)

I've been thinking about Teen's identity, Nicholas Scratch, Agatha, and Wanda.

I think we are good to assume that Teen is Billy, but the question now is, how is Billy alive? What does he exactly "remember"?

And why does Agatha have an immediate attachment to him?

●

So, with spoilers from Episode 4. (From here, it's just my own rambling)

Agatha murdered her coven & her mother and we all assumed it was because of the Dark Hold

BUT

For some reason, I think Agatha got the Dark Hold AFTER the events of her trial. She was dabbling in dark magic but had not aquired the Dark Hold yet. It was after her trail that she truly sought it out.

Perhaps her travels led her to meet Rio and began their situationship. Aka, aside from being more than "coven-sisters" (QUEER WIN), I think Agatha & Rio made a vow in not only that neither could harm the other. But also quid pro quo.

Agatha gave Rio bodies. Witch bodies after she took all their magic or people she even killed. Cause maybe Rio is DEATH!? Truly, the way into an entity's heart OR Rio is related to Death in some way.

Either way, if Agatha supplied bodies for Rio, what did Rio do for Agatha? That I do not know, maybe protection? From what then? Maybe the Dark Hold?

Well, whatever Rio had to protect Agatha from, she made the decision even knowing it would hurt Agatha. That decision!?

Rio sacrificed Nicholas Scratch, Agatha's son, to Mephisto to save her.

Personally, I think Agatha was dying or being horribly corrupt by the Dark Hold that her soul was close to being owned by Chthon. So, Rio made a deal with Mephisto to save Agatha's soul and gave up Nicholas in exchange/payment.

Thus, the breakup & lover to enemies between Agatha & Rio.

My points against it!

Agatha's vision in Ep 2, the Dark Hold in the baby cradle. It's implied that Agatha did do it.

But, it's still vague enough that it could have a different meaning. She did look so emotional gazing at it, even shedding tears. Then, absolutely horrified seeing it was the Dark Hold instead of her son.

Perhaps it's a metaphor for Agatha's pursuit of the Dark Hold made her blind or arrogant to what be the consequences for such dark knowledge. The loss of her son.

●

I would also like to point out the possibility that Agatha doesn't even know what exactly happened to her son? She might actually believe she sacrificed him for the Dark Hold, but she herself isn't sure.

Hence, why the sudden attachment to Teen. She grows to believe that Teen is her son, that she/Rio didn't sacrifice him. That Agatha put the sigil on him and gave him up instead.

Either way, Agatha has doubts about what actually happened to her son.

Teen

Rio confirms that at the end of Ep 4 to Agatha, that Teen isn't her son.

And yeah, obviously Teen is Billy, Wanda's son BUT my crack theory.

Wanda tried making Billy & Tommy real after the events of WandaVision with the help of the Dark Hold. But she thought she failed, hence why we have Doctor Stange MoM. But it actually worked!

Wanda did bring Billy & Tommy into existence but unknowingly had help from Mephisto. He gave her Nicholas' soul to use to bring her sons to life. Might explain why Agatha believes Teen is her son. She senses something about him that makes her want to believe.

BUT why would Mephisto do this? Honestly IDK, maybe he has plans to use Billy & Tommy as leverage against Wanda to get her soul, and maybe her powers to bend reality at his will. Instead of only doing so when making deals. Maybe to use her & the boys against Cthon or the boys are sleeper agents that he's waiting to use one day.

Moving on,

Teen even asks Agatha if she put the sigil on him, so Teen has doubts about his identity!

Teen even starts to question if he is Agatha's son, but why?

It's because all the memories Teen has about his suppose parents & life aren't "real"

It's either fake memories implanted in him and people "acting" in their roles to keep it up.

Since in the trailer, we see Teen in a hospital gown? Along with Agatha in a type of prison cell. I think the government or some type of organization found Teen/Billy and had him locked up monitoring him since he does give off some type of energy/magic. Agatha will probably unlock the truth to Teen and even break the sigil.

I'm ending it here since I am tired, it is late. Well, here are my theories. I am probably horribly WRONG, but I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in.

[thewallsaretalking-again]

you know what?? Fuck it, there's something I've GOTTA talk about:

(don't worry this isn't like a serious post or anything. also its gonna be really badly written with grammar errors because I'm just really excited to finally be talking about this and I'm shaking like a leaf) (also, if you don't agree with this that is completely fine; everybody ships different ships, this is just one that I personally love and me explaining how it came to be and how I image it. I'm not trying to convince anybody of anything, this is just for fun. If you don't like, that's fine! All I ask is that there is no hate and that you just move on. Thank you!)

I love rairpairs. Like, LOVE them. Anyone who's seen my old transformers art knows that I ship DreadOp which is like, a nonexistent ship. like, the ship equivalent of being an endangered species (there's like 10 fics about it on AO3, so you KNOW it's rare). There's a few examples of me being like this but this is the best example that i have.

But this has gotten to the point where i have done something absolutely ridiculous: I have created an entirely new ship- no, TWO entirely new ships (I'm only going to be focusing on one rn). AND I'VE GOTTA TALK ABOUT THEM because honestly? I love them! so, what monstrosity have I created? Whoo... prepare yourselves (especially you, dark cacao cookie fans...)

Yep. Don't hate me. Please hear me out because honestly iv'e seen more heinous ships in my time on the internet.

so, first of all, the white dude is known as the milk village elder in CRK, and we only see him once in the entire game (that i know of). I love taking npc's and giving them characters, so this is kinda how this happened. I'm gonna start by talking about the milk dude and how i headcannon/ imagine him because it will come into play later.

I gave the milk village elder the name Whole Milk Cookie, because i couldn't exactly call him Milk Cookie; that names already been taken

Whole Milk Cookie isn't actually anyone's grandfather, despite him being called grandad/ grandpappy in the actual game. We never see anyone his age in the milk village, and I like to imagine that its sorta like an honorary title. Like, he acts like everyone's grandpa, so everyone calls him grandpa but no one is actually related to him.

Whole Milk Cookie is like, ungodly sweet. Like, diabetes kind of sweet. its ridiculous. there are only a few ways to get him angry; and trust me, you don't want to...

He's strong. Like, think Hollyberry type strong. Gives the BEST hugs too.

Nobody knows exactly how old he is, but people suspect that he's actually much older than he looks. This could be caused by his extreme talent with the milk that comes from the villages well; if its used right, the milk can cure disease, help pains, or even extend someone's lifespan/ help retain youth. either that or he's some sort of demon but hey, who's counting?

got all that? good. Now the question everybody's asking; why the hell do i ship this? What's the story here? What's the origin? Well hold onto your pants folks because this is where we get into me overanalyzing shit.

behold the line that started it all:

This is so SO vague. why the hell did they put this in here it is SO VAUGE. what does he mean by "THAT king"? you know what it sounds like? someone reminiscing of their time with a loved one who has now changed....

they never elaborate on what exactly this line means and this is the very last line we hear Whole Milk Cookie say in the main story

wondering where exactly he's gone instead of wondering when he's coming back? idk man you sound worried about him...

also saying "laid your eyes upon" just sounds so gay/loving and i don't know why. yeah your laying something thats for sure glfbnvbrfnjkrb (im so sorry)

There's also this line:

The ally thing is kind of given, but why and how isn't this guy talking shit about dark Cacao? Like, he has EVERY right to! but he's not.... its almost like he cares.... and sure he mentions the generation thing but just because your parents were friends with some dude doesn't mean you necessarily like them right? so what gives??

Then there's the matter of Dark Cacao Cookies SON:

who is DArk CHOCOLATE

now Dark Chocolate usually doesn't have any milk/dairy in it, but it DOES need a fat, which whole milk DOES have!!

So, in theory, it would make sense for cacao and milk to make chocolate of some kind, AND it would account for Dark Choco Cookie having a lighter skin tone than his father (lighter eyes and the double white hair streak too)

I also like the story implications outside of cannon:

two people who would generally not be allowed to be in a relationship due to differing status keep a relationship going for years behind the backs of their communities

Dark Cacao Cookie taking full responsibility for taking care of their son, only for everything to become too overwhelming and he begins to remove himself from everything emotionally, wanting to give his son over to his other father to be properly taken care of but can't due to the dangers that poses for everyone in his family

Dark Choco nearly kills him and Dark Cacao has to exile him and (because of a mix of psychological manipulation, grief, and regret) locks up the citadel, leaving Whole Milk Cookie out of the picture entirely

Whole Milk Cookie stews in anger due to everything that's happened and Dark Cacao cookie not taking proper care of their son but eventually falls into guilt as well because he saw the signs of stress and overworking from his partner and didn't step in, assuming that everything was fine (but is still mostly mad at Cacao because he REALLY fucked up and it's not an excuse)

Gingerbrave and the crew comes strolling up and gets the citadel open, and Dark Cacao admits to Dark Choco that he didn't care enough and that he should have done things differently, and that he loves his son. Dark Choco leaves the cookies of darkness and begins a journey of recovery while Dark Cacao vows to do better for his family and kingdom in the future.

Dark Cacao meets up with Whole Milk Cookie to truly apologize to him, admitting everything he's done wrong and that he should have done far, FAR better. He tells WM that he deserves better than him

Whole Milk is obviously still angry and will never forgive Dark Cacao for what he's done. but he still loves him despite everything and would much rather the two of them work together to fix things (not necessarily romantically, more just not hating each other wise) moving forward instead of breaking things off and stewing in grief and anger.

The two of them take things extremely slow and carefully because it's been a long and difficult process, but they, eventually, get back to where they were.

Their recovery process takes years, but by that point Dark Cacao has improved himself exponentially, wanting nothing but the best for his partner and kingdom (and now knowing exactly what NOT to do) They also eventually find Dark Choco Cookie and fix things with him, but that's a whole other can of worms I'm not going to open here.

Just generally a story of two very different people, who despite goin through unimaginable hardships, do their very best despite the circumstances. they love each other more than even they realize and the fact that they are able to fix what was broken by their own hands is a testament to that, despite all of the arguments and tears along the way.

TLDR: Dark Cacao fucks up, his husband is mad but still loves him because he knows him better than anyone else, Dark Cacao actually makes an effort and succeeds to be much much better, and the two of them eventually figure things out. An unlikely love story :)

Ok, wow, that was a lot and kinda sad. But there are a few thiings that i couldn't fit into the rest of this so imma just stick them here:

Whole Milk Cookie finds Immense joy in picking up his husband and throwing him across his shoulder like some kind of really important sack

Whole Milk calls Dark Cacao "Cacao bean"

Dark Cacao loves Whole Milk Cookies cooking to a stupid extent

Dark Cacao loves playing with his husbands fluffy hair

the two of them will often help each other do their hair because they both just have SO MUCH of it

Dark Cacao, despite popular belief, is a flustered mess around his husband and can very often be found blushing like a madman whenever Whole Milk uses his strength

these two have the ABSOLOUTE WORST bedheads. Like, Cacao HAS to braid his hair before going to bed because otherwise the two of them will wake up tangled in it. And Whole Milk will just have an untamable afro.

uhh anyways. thanks for coming to my ted talk

[profounddefendorcrusade-blog]

I feel bad for Starlo. (pt. 2)

Had they just let him get Clover the badge (and literally finish the best day of his life since, again, Clover's gotta go) and then all sat down to chat, everything would have been solved in minutes. Because clearly Starlo's main motivation is making sure other people are happy, right? If they tell him they're not happy, he'd sure as heck care about that. Just look at how he tells the group to have fun with Clover:

btw, this is a human they SHOULD be excited to talk to more since well... they're a human. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, and they are SUPPOSED to be into the western culture almost as much as Star, or at least that's what Star thought. More on this later

But no, gotta act jealous instead, call Starlo's training lackluster...

Then you make a better one, Ed, instead of complaining, Star's mind was too occupied with everything, as it always is. The town needs to be led by someone every day after all. It's all harder than it looks, you've gotta focus on schedules, new ideas, and most importantly radiating positive energy even in the worst of times

...say he's been throwing them around for human business...

huh Moray?? He didn't force you to do anything, you all just went with it. If you hated the training, y'all never said it. Ed also says how he basically doesn't want to participate in the trolley problem which I found sorta.. weird. I mean, it's not very likely that in all the years they've spent roleplaying here, they've never done this before. And even if they hadn't, it really is logical to assume Ed didn't really mean he was terrified and was just acting to make the scene more "dramatic" The five of them ARE sort of actors anyway (why would he be scared tho? it's not a real train that's coming, no real danger here, just harmless fun)

... and apparently call him a meanie and a big-headed sheriff:

HOW is he a meanie Mooch?? How??? He was just trying to be helpful and got too into everything. It's not the same as being mean on purpose. And even if he DID act prouder than usual, he honestly had every right to do it. After everything he's tried to do for the underground, his friends and family, he had every right to lift himself up. All you guys ever did was tag along with him everywhere apparently, never having to worry about anything but your own hobbies, had a secure AND fun job thanks to your boss, a place to live, nap times, PLUS Star was always a nice leader (Ed himself admits this; from my previous blog). How do I know he was nice? Aside from signs in the game, the gang only argued over trivial matters (IDK what exactly but Dina said this)

And Ace... wdym you're following them??

Why??? Star literally praised you and thanked you! What the heck?? Yeah life dealth him a bad hand but you're not doing anything about this situation aside from leaving.

I love all four of them, but honestly, It's not like Star ditched any of you, he didn't ever act angry (besides when Ed insulted his mission, which IS frustrating because: 1) he tried his best to make it enjoyable for everyone 2) this comment Ed made contradicts everything Starlo wanted to feel that day: genuinely proud, happy, useful, important. He wanted to enjoy himself as much as possible and bring as much joy to others as he could. And he was right to want that... especially after all he's already done. Or tried to do. Even though he's too fiery, too passionate, *too much,* why didn't anyone let him know this? Why didn't they tell him he's NOT been making anyone happy, aside from the tourists? Why keep lying to him until his breaking point?

Better explained down here during a discussion in the messages here on tumblr in case ya'll have the patience to read it ↓

Just... After thinking things through, I've started seeing things from a different pov. Yeah, the Four apologise to Clover in neutral, but Starlo STILL has to be the one to come to THEM for forgiveness. Forgiveness for what exactly? What did he do that was worse than what YOU guys did to HIM? (you too Ceroba, especially you, and I'll talk about this VERY soon, in a few days)

Forgetting to tie them off the rails (Ceroba forgot too) because he was too excited to well... feel like a somebody for the first time, like a real sheriff with a real deputy? Putting his needs and feelings first for once instead of walking outside his house at night and whispering to himself and thinking about every single problem he has on his plate? (I think it isn't the sheriff stuff he thinks about) Thinking he was doing the right thing by doing what he thought would be fun for everyone? Being kind to Clover? Not ditching his posse and just... idk, not running off to have an imaginary adventure with the human kid, with just the two of them? What the heck, guys.

Now, I'd understand if he'd been saying stuff like "Alright y'all, you better listen to everything I say, you understand!? Clover is the greatest thing since sliced bread, while all of you all nothing but a drag! Tch. Losers." Or "If you don't do this and that, you're fired for good! Clover will replace you! You're all lame anyway!" Or "Clover, get over here and join me on this and that! Right. NOW."

Starlo literally never said something even CLOSE to this. Only after Ed left did he let him and everyone else go, then blurted out "I was considering firing y'all anyway!" Honestly what I know about Star is that he's fiery and passionate and just snapped because he didn't understand why they left. He had done everything right.. right? He couldn't, no, wouldn't comprehend that his whole life in the Wild East has been a big fat lie. It hurt emotionally and his coping mechanism were always distractions. So he refused to see what he had (accidentally) caused.

In short, what bothers me is that all blame is put on Starlo and he's the only one who has to say sorry when he genuinely didn't know any better. Some folks just aren't introspective enough to notice people's true feelings and Star's one of them. And even if he's good at that, he's been so foused on this whole Wild East thing to think about that too, on top of everything.

He literally had to just stare off into the distance and rethink all his life choices that led him to this point (based on his letter), when instead he could have been a lone entertainer from the start. I mean, he carried all the comedy and charm on his own anyway (imo). He'd get to live his passion, plus entertain the tourists, plus boost his own confidence, PLUS none of his friends would be stuck at a job they hate! PLUS Ceroba, while still staying at Star's, could have gotten a better night's sleep with only the two of them being roommates! It would have been a win win win win win kinda situation if only they hadn't been lying to him for such a long time and just spoke up openly. Simple as that!

[candyskiez]

for the thingy, do tma based on what youve listened to so far?

Okay full disclosure to anyone reading this I am not done this podcast!!! I am on season three episode 87, and haven't finished that episode, please do not give me any spoilers or hint at any. Thank you!

Favorite female character: Melanie King. She's just so ridiculously likable. A thing I've noticed is she's very clearly Used to a certain amount of misogyny with her being in the industry that yk, gets you called insane. She's so immediately defensive whenever she thinks she's getting perceived as crazy or lying and you can tell that's something that's happened a million times, especially recently with the whole. Yk. Arrested thing. It's just a detail that's very well implied that idk. It's something I've been thinking about with her even though its not the main reason I like her. Idk how to explain why I like her she's just very very likable. She feels like a person I'd actually run into and she's just some random person going through the Horrors, just another ghost hunter that got really really unlucky. It's one of the big appeals of TMA to me, they all feel so much like just...people. Not like the authors forcing them or like they're Special because Author Says So. They're just random people and how they got into this situation is pretty believable. I love her dynamics with everyone, if an episode has her in it you know it's gonna be really good, she's just a damn good character and I'm really excited and terrified to see where she goes. Please don't kill her rusty quill.

Favorite male character: Jon Sims. He's just so GOOD man. I like when characters become mean not because of not caring but because they care so much and everything is so awful and everything keeps going to shit and it isn't fair! I love characters who are angry because of a deep love for the people around them! He cares so much about everyone and he hates it so much and man. I don't care how many times it gets done I love it so much. I love his development so far. While with Melanie I'm going "don't hurt her give her hot chocolate and take her far away from this mess just let her be happy PLEASE" with Jon I'm like "I need to see him shatter into a million pieces and try to put himself back together with bleeding hands." And from what I understand I'm in for a treat with one of those wishes and fucked with the other. Whoops. He's just a really good protagonist and just...God. This will not be the last time you hear me talk about how much I love Jon. Also an honorable mention for this spot is Tim. If I don't say how much I love Tim soon I'll die. He's just a guy! He doesn't know what the hell is happening and suddenly everything's fucked and he responds so realistically to it and he's just so interesting to me man. Every horror story has a character who knows absolutely nothing about what's happening and Tim does that so well because like. It feels like. Yeah, obviously. If I knew what he did, I would've done that too.

Favorite season: Man idk I'm only three seasons in. I guess season two? It was a really good season. Jon's spiraling was done so well and him becoming more compassionate just when it was a little too late for that KILLED me. Also TIM!!! Tim was a huge highlight of that season for me, he and Jon's relationship made me want to tear out my own organs. Their fight was just so. I understand exactly why they were so furious at each other. I understand exactly why Tim was so mad at Jon. "He's not wrong you know!" "I know." And Jon having to restart the statement because he's too emotional??? Kill me man just kill me. It just was a really excellent season. Jon and Tim were the biggest highlights for me but Martin was also incredible that season and I loved that scene in shit what was the episode. Hide and seek. With the Tim and Martin conversation. Everyone thinks Martin doesn't care just because he's trying to make things better and because he wants things to be okay it's assumed that he's taking sides or doesn't care that these awful things are happening or that he isn't hurt by it too, and like. It's an understandable assumption. I've made that assumption about people in the past, though I'm not proud of it. And it hurts Martin so much because Martin just wants things to be okay, he just wants to be safe and for his life to stop falling apart and for from what I'm understanding the only real connections he seems to have right now to stop tearing each other apart, and people just assume he's Okay with how Jon's acting, or that Jon wasn't also unfair to him because Martin was worried about him. And it's just. Ough. Martins whole Thing in that season had me Thinking about some shit he made me feel some emotions that's for sure. Can't wait to see what happens with him. Oops this was long.

Favorite episode: Okay I'm gonna be honest with you. This is the worst question you can ask me about this show because I for the life of me cannot fucking choose. There are so many good episodes. So I'm just gonna uh. Talk about a bunch? I've narrowed it down to four but it was so hard guys you don't even know.

Hive: This is just a really really good episode and it makes me batshit insane. I think a really good choice was making her actually not a very easy person to get along with. It would've been so easy to just say that she was nice and she tried so hard but she was alone because people were Mean :(. And I think that this makes the statement hit a lot harder especially as someone who's struggled with mental illness for a long time it's just. She hurt people and she can't wrap her head around it. All she takes away from it is I was left alone. All she sees is that nobody gets her, nobody cares about her, everyone hates her now, or did they always hate her? And I can see the exact thought process that led to her being so taken in by the worms. Like okay here is this thing that needs her, that can't leave her because they need her to survive, so they love her. They love her and they don't care that she's apparently toxic, she doesn't know what that means, she doesn't know what she did, but whatever she did doesn't matter because why would it matter to them. They think she's beautiful, that she's perfect the way she is, they make sense to her and she doesn't have to change. It doesn't matter that she's not a good person, because it doesn't need her to be. It loves her. Like. I'm not saying 2023 me would've absolutely been down to get possessed by worms but at that point in my life I would've absolutely stuck my hand in the nest too. Like. I get it, man. Especially off the hinges of July or November I was a fucking wreck man. I get her. I really like how this show portrays distress. It's not cute. It's not pretty. People do horrible things because they don't know what else to do. Sometimes you blow up every relationship you have, sometimes you stick your hand in a wasp nest to be loved by the only thing you can imagine still loving you. It happens.

The smell of blood: MELANIEEEEE. She stole my heart in this episode. I was so determined not to like her and I was sold by the end of the episode. Her dynamic with Jon was so fun and also just. The insight into how she thinks! I love the statements that are more like a conversation the most anything character interaction heavy is bound to make me eat my own limbs. The...OK I don't wanna say chemistry bc that implies romance but I also don't know what else to call it? They just bounce off each other really well they're SO similar and because of that their defenses against a Lifetime Of Bullshit will clash so hard but then when they can actually talk to each other earnestly they click so well. And just. God I don't even know how to explain why I love Melanie. She's just so??? She puts her show first until she suddenly can't anymore, she immediately expects hostility or doubt and it closes her off from any help or connections and she can't quite get that actually sometimes people just genuinely are worried about you. It's avain it's really clear she's been in the industry for a long time because she's so used to mistreatment she immediately lashes out at anyone who gets too close to acting like that. Shes clearly been through a fuck ton and I'm really excited to learn more about her. That's another thing tma does well the characters are so shaped by their experiences and they make so much sense.

Hide and seek: Godddd. I love this episode. I love this episode!!! Where do I even start!! I mean okay Jon and Tim are a major focus in it so obviously I'm gonna be having a great time. Like. God. Where do I even start. First off Tim's view of Jon is so AUGHHHH this episode because. It hurts and also I cannot blame him at all even a little bit for a second. There are so many good lines in this episode. Also Martin and Tim's interactions in this episode? Insane, so good, told me so much about both of them and anyone who knows me knows I love character analysis so you KNOW I was eating my phone the whole time. I don't even know how to explain what's so good about this episode because it's just. All of it. All of it is so good. It's just a really good episode what else can I even say here. Jon apologizing to Martin and Tim when he thought he was about to die killed me. Every Tim moment this episode killed me. If I was held at gun point I'd probably say this episode is my overall favorite but like. Don't make me choose okay.

A guest for Mr Spider: When I say this statement completely changed how I see Jon I mean it completely changed how I see Jon. It changed how I saw literally everything he's done throughout the podcast. Everything he does makes so much sense with this context but especially his actions regarding the not Sasha. Of course he sent everyone away. Of course he felt like he had to solve it all by himself. After all nobody else could get hurt, because it's His responsibility and He didn't notice and He should be the one dealing with the consequences anyway. He has this view of himself where he's like I'm the only one that should deal with this and yet. It's not arrogance or not entirely. It's this mess of I have to do it by myself and i cannot trust anyone else with this they WILL mess it up but it's not even that he thinks highly of his own capabilities he just judges (fears) everyone else so much. And his trust issues make so much damn sense in retrospect like. His sense of safety was completely shattered when he was so young, and he grew up feeling undesired and like a burden and. Of course he assumes any act of kindness is an act, of course he's so suspicious of anyone who tries to get close, he never had those connections. This episode is just. So good. It explains so much about him and is just a really good start to the season and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Favorite ship: So far, Jonmartin. Yes I know I've been very basic with all these but like. It's common for a reason they're so interesting?? Like yes very sweet but also they're so fascinating. There's something going on there I can't wait to see what happens. But also I'm eyeing a bunch of other ships too. I am a multishipper by trade. I will whack any character together. I'm kinda eyeing jontim very closely. I will probably whack any interesting protagonist/antagonist dynamic together before you can do anything because they intrigue me.

A character I'd die defending: Honestly all of them. I get all of them. They're just people. Most of the decisions they make are ones I would've made in their situations, I can't get seriously mad at any of them.

A character I can't sympathize with: So far, none.

A character I grew to love: Melanie. She dragged me in kicking and screaming.

My anti otp: So far, none!

I once again ask you don't say any spoilers or hints, thank you!

[mazzystar24]

I've been thinkin bout that bt scene. Obviously I might be totally wrong but idk, I feel like T kinda muttered "god I hope so" into his wine glass & not directly at Buck & he was being maybe kinda insecure, like in his head maybe since we assume he's older & more experienced he might think that's why Buck is sticking around?

Like idk, it's a call back somehow to the first date and the closet comment? Like T wants this to work out because he thinks Buck is adorable but you know they aren't really clicking so ya know whatever works? (But eventually it will fully break down)

And the way Buck said "but you think I do?" about the daddy issues is like Buck goin "....wait what?" in his head because his head does tilt a bit to the side like 🤔🤔🤔 And it's showing that they don't fit.

That it was intentionally weird & off putting.

Tho I do think the bit where T says "but your father is alive" wasn't meant to be snarky. Buck then says "Exactly" which I took as Buck being all "exactly, my dad's just THAT shitty and he's not going to change."

Off course then the speech Buck gave Chris is a bit eh, but like two things can be true at the same time. XD

Also I'm def not a bt shipper, Buddie all the way but yeah that's just how it came off to me. Lol.

I hope this makes sense.

I have been swamped with exams and neglected my inbox so 💐💐💐💐💐

Eh I feel like it was definitely more flirty than insecure like I’m tempted to add the gifsets for reference but I don’t want it to show up in the gif makers’ notifications but yeah like as he’s saying it it’s 100% like suggestive vibes rather than self deprecating making a joke about an actual insecurity vibe

Like I think for me this is definitely a horses not zebras moment

I do keep think that maybe the like off putting moments are intentional because so many weird choices have been made with BT

For the your dad is alive I think I wasn’t super clear on my opinion on it but like I don’t mean he said it to be snarky per say more so that the implications behind that line are things like “you’d feel differently if he wasn’t” or “you can fix things before he does” or as if that’s something to be thankful for or recognise when talking about his pseudo father nearly dying

Like the reason I hate this line isn’t that it necessarily has to be cruel intentions on Tommys part but rather that this sorta narrative gets forced down traumatised peoples throats CONSTANTLY (sometimes with good intentions) and it’s such a bullshit rhetoric and it’s even more bullshit to use that line while talking about this found family/pseudo father he has nearly dying

Also yeah that’s definitely what that “exactly” was meant to be like yup a dead dad would at least be less traumatising, a lot easier to explain, and probably easier on my therapist than this clusterfuck but alas

BUCKS SPEECH TO CHRIS- okay lots of thoughts on this because my mom got confused and picked thought daughter:

Do I love that the writers low-key made it sound like he’s comparing Eddie to the Buckley parents? no I hate it but KR was writing for this ep so what did we expect

Do I think a marginally better way to interpret it is that it was more so continuing that theme of paralleling buck and Chris’ issues? Yes

Are the basic and I mean like the very abstract very simple and nothing further parallels there? Yeah like parent not over their grief causes conflict between parent and child

Other than that no not at all Eddie never involved Chris in this, Kim came over with her Shannon cosplay without telling him, Eddie also never intentionally emotionally harmed Chris while the Buckley parents spent bucks entire life intentionally being the absolute worst™️ and emotionally neglectful and were shit parents to Maddie too by forcing her to pretend her brother didn’t exist while she was a child and mourning said brother

But I also think it’s actually very in character for buck to continue to sympathise with them and cut them an impossible amount of slack by trying to draw parallels to this situation like it’s less trying to paint Eddie more like them and more so using Eddie (someone he cares about and loves and sympathises with deeply) as a frame of reference to mentally try to humanise and sympathise with his own parents - idk if I’m making sense but in my head it makes sense

Like it’s actually a pretty common thing you see with traumatised people they’ll sorta draw parallels that aren’t there between themselves or the people they care about and the people who traumatised them because a lot of traumatised people will just constantly seek to understand that perspective more and sympathise with it like hell I’ve seen it with the people in my life doing it and it’s like woah those situations are very different I need you to recognise that

Loved hearing your view of it and it totally made sense!!!

Gonna see if there are any quick asks I can answer before I get back to my revision cos I definitely yapped more than I expected for this

[this-is-fox-speaking]

ok so. here's my thoughts on how things went for memory recollection.

Sissel remembered the moment they got into their past body. Something about Temsik fragment fuckery, I dunno. That's my only excuse. Merging memories or being hit with memories probably isn't as soul punching when you're literally a little kitty cat. They've been very sworn to their duty to love their families so so much!

Yomiel remembers a little bit after the timelines reset. Like, these memories probably get him for a while as some sort of familiar feeling similar to deja vu, but it actually just hit when he started painting in jail. He couldn't pinpoint exactly what was going on or why he painted that figures he knew he hadn't seen before, and- "Oh fuck, wait. That's right. I KNOW THEM." Kinda like a Jowd situation but.. reversed?

It takes a few months or maybe a couple years for Jowd to remember. He gets freaked out when he realizes he knew exactly what his daughter was going to look like, and- then he's immediately hit with it. Yeah, him and Yomiel probably had a few good talks over some of those prison days. He doesn't tell Alma or anything. Even though he feels bad about it, he knows it wouldn't really be the best thing to tell your wife that.. all of that happened. Unless you wanna look like a crazy person. Again.

Cabanela has his own few deja vu moments when he meets the other for the first time after the park incident, like the Pigeon Man or Lynne. I'd like to think he actually remembers a little before Jowd does, since he was literally also possessed by good ol Manipulator over here, and was so obsessed with figuring him out. He doesn't bring it up at first, until Jowd brings it up, then he just casually admits he's been- almost literally- dancing around the topic until the right time. Idk if this is very in character, lemme know. I've only watched through this game a total of once because it's.. really long. And I just recently finished it.

Lynne remembers over time, but it's specifically whenever she sees Yomiel's face. He's familiar, yet she can't place why, and it's not just from the park.. and when she finally gets hit with the memories once shes older, she kinda goes through some stages before going back to regular old, hyperactive lynne, towards Yomiel. He has the face but not the same personality of who she's used to, but.. she knows he's changed. And we know Lynne is.. quite the character! Not negative, just. I dunno how to explain her! Yomiel is her bestie against his will. This is not a choice.

Kamila doesn't remember any of it. It only comes to her in short visions- aka, "nightmares". I imagine as she gets older, it's possible she might remember these memories more clearly/solidly, or she'll ask Jowd and them, and they sigh and begrudgingly admit what really happened. Kinda up to interpretation, truly! It's fun to think about, either direction.

I think it'd be bittersweet if Missile sometimes had small dreams of being a lamp in the city's trash. Or simply being an odd ghostly figure. Or just being his own, lively doggy self, digging about the trash, yet being ignored by all the humans that come by. Sissel doesn't have the heart to tell him the truth. It's bittersweet because even though it means Missile has to remember this sad life of his old self, it still means Ray lives on, even if it's just a little bit. Probably a similar situation as Kamila, where he'll remember once he's much, much older. Past his dog years.

I feel like Pigeon Man would remember but just. Not give a fuck. He rambles about it to Lovey Dove sometimes, when he's bored, but that's about it. He doesn't care. He's got more important studies to worry about.

The Minister... I'm not really sure. I don't wanna have him remember or else he'll be all sad and mopey again. I'm gonna let him be happy with his family.

As for all the other characters- park protector, Minister's wife, his daughter, etc- they all have faint feelings of it. A small bit of deja vu every year or two, but it's nothing huge at all. They never really dwell on it.

[vaporwavedoggie]

Ahahahah I should probably explain why I'm not on here as much atm, along with most of my other social media.

It's gonna be long but I know I have some folks on here worried about me so I'll put everything under the cut.

Alright buckle up, this will get long.

To shorten things, my chronic pain is significantly getting worse very quickly, along with heart issues.

Not to mention my shit mental health.

But here's the long story:

There's something up with my heart. I don't know exactly what the diagnosis will be, I have a few more tests including a fun little holter monitor placement or whatever it's called.

It's where I wear this monitor over my heart for a few days and press a button whenever I start having flareups. My flareups consist of my blood pressure suddenly dropping very low (I think the lowest it was clocked was somewhere in the 80s/60s range if I remember correctly), headaches, bad chest pain, limb weakness/numbness, sudden exhaustion/passing out, etc.

They did an echo on my heart but the results didn't tell me much other than I have a dialated left atrium. No idea what that means, don't know if it's even related to the shit going on with me. I won't find out until the other tests are done and looked over.

I'm going as far as to try and give up cigarettes for the time being for this. My doc gave me a ton of nicotine patches, so I'm really hoping those will help with the urges. I'm going to be going from smoking about half a pack or so a day to patches that are 7mg of nic, so uhhh yeah.

Another reason why I'm distancing myself from online spaces more other than my personal discord servers is because stressful stuff, discourse, all that makes my flareups much much worse. I'm doing it not to be a bitch, but for my own health. So for a bit I'll probably only post art I occasionally draw n what not.

Now on to the other issues. My lower back keeps me in damn near constant chronic pain. They did an xray on it, and my MyChart (fun little doctor app) said this about their findings:

"Vertebral body heights and alignment are well-maintained. No fracture or subluxation. Pedicles are intact. Mild loss of disc height at L5-S1."

I'm not entirely sure if that's anything important, again, I go to my pcp about it in the beginning of October since there's a few more issues they'd like to test me for before coming to a diagnosis and treating me.

As for my back pain though, it's to the point where it's nearly disabling me physically.

I've had it for many years. Idk exactly when it all started, but I really started noticing it around the time I was 19-20. I have a theory it's because one of my first jobs that I worked for about a year was at a warehouse. It was very physical labor.

I'd be lifting heavy boxes constantly to the point where when I got home I couldn't bend down from the pain. I'd just have to flop down on my bed and pass out. And this went on about 4 days a week for a year.

At first, it started off as a small patch on my lower back, at the base of my spine, not being able to be touched. The gentlest poke would feel like stabbing pain. And it only got worse over the years, with the area spreading.

Now it's to the point where I can't stand for long, and when I sit or lay down I have to shift my position every 10-20 minutes or it flares up. And I dread going to sleep for a number of reasons. Not just because of the night terrors I have damn near every night due to my CPTSD, but because I wake up in excruciating pain most of the time due to not being able to shift my body in my sleep.

Worst part is, when I sleep, I'm dead to the world. If the night terrors aren't too horrible that night, I'm like a rock. No one can move me. Lord knows my husband has tried. And I'll sleep for about 12-20+ hours at a time at this point.

Funny thing is? No matter how much sleep I get, even if I get the base recommended amount without under or over sleeping, I'm ALWAYS exhausted.

My doc has sent a referral for me to get a sleep study but they have yet to reach out to me. I suspect this may also contribute to my heart issues but idk for sure.

So yeah. It's not enough that I deal with shitty mental health issues on a constant, but also chronic physical health issues as well.

Worst part is my family is borderline poverty. Despite everything I'm STILL trying to get a job because my family needs the money, along with others in the house, including my oldest son and teenage son.

Yet for whatever reason, everyone claims they're hiring, yet won't hire any of us. For me, I understand. I always struggled to keep a job due to various issues. But my sons have a completely clean slate, and my roomie has a great resume with plenty of long history, yet no one will hire anyone. Not even McDonald's.

People act like it's all us. We try everything we can, from dressing up in our nicest clothes for the interview, following up with the job, being friendly, giving the interviewer our skills. Worst part is they act like they're fucking impressed, then turn around and claim they've decided to go with someone more qualified for the position, or they're not hiring anymore.

Yes, I know I'll hurt myself if I try working a job and pushing myself beyond my limits every day, but it's taking too damn long for disability to do shit. Disability is very hard to get in Texas for whatever reason and God it's stupid. It usually takes a minimum of 2-3 years for most, and we don't have that time.

The price of rent, groceries, and everything else keeps skyrocketing, yet my roomies won't get a raise on their disability, my husband won't get a raise on his job other than just a few cents once a year.

We're living by the skin of our teeth. Paycheck to paycheck. Most of our food comes from various food banks in the area we make multiple trips to a week.

Then when it comes to my mental health issues, I'm handling it the best that I possibly can.

My CPTSD has been flaring up. Then there's the other shit going on with my head I won't get into.

I'm nearly constantly haunted by trauma and I'm so fucking tired of it. I have to keep myself busy or it creeps into my mind. And I have somnophobia because every time I sleep I'm almost guaranteed to have a night terror. No, prasosin won't help.

Anyways that's a small portion of the shit im going through and why I probably won't be online much until I get shit sorted out.

Is it weird to be the happiest you've ever been in your life, yet also the most miserable??

[skibasyndrome]

hii lovely writer 💓

because of all those talking about this challenge in october and your writing in general i was just wondering (if you feel like answering):

is writing smut or explicit scenes personal for you? if yes, why? if not, why not?

looking forward to your future works 🥰

Hey there anon!

That's an interesting question and definitely not easy to answer tbh. For me there are different things that play into writing (or creating "art" only in quotes cause I'm weird about calling myself an artist of any kind I suppose), and one of them definitely is... hmmm... personal experience? If that's what you mean? I mean I love being a queer man, I love reading about queer men, I love writing about them as well, that's probably why I ended up writing fanfic in the first place? 😅

But more than that I just... idk... stumble upon some topic or something that I find inspiring and wanna explore further, then of course I also have the characters in mind and I like putting them in all kinds of different scenarios or situations and thinking about what they'd be like confronted with xyz, how they'd act, react, what they'd say or think. Personal experience is part of it, like when I tried to describe that beautiful summer day in my last fic, but it's never all there is for me. I think I especially love AUs because of the whole... what-if of it all, you know? I mean, what if Wilmon were criminals? It's obviously not something I have experience with nor is it like a desire of mine, but wouldn't it be neat to find out, you know? (tangent, but that is how I feel about literature in general. I love it because it allows us to explore all aspects of human existence no matter how far-fetched or grim or, conversely, how utopian it might be)

That was more general about... all fic 😅 But I guess while we're here: smut/explicit scenes are just something I gravitate towards when writing, I can't really explain it beyond the fact that I think smut is a GREAT way to explore characters psychologically. Which, I know this may sound paradoxical because sex is so physical obviously, but I just think that in those moments where you have two (or more, I suppose, but that hasn't happened in my fics yet) characters interacting so intimately there's soooo much room for exploration of their feelings, their worries, their fears, their joy, anything tbh. Like, I LOVE writing sex scenes that reveal something about the characters, or maybe where the characters learn something about themselves or each other. I don't think I always succeed and this sounds a lot deeper than it often is, but... yeah. Explicit scenes are excellent for getting deep into the psychological processes and for having them take a break from the "action" of every day life to just... feel and think and experience lots of things at once.

Tbh that's also one reason why I think kink in fic is soooo compelling lots of times - it's so interesting psychologically!!! I've always said that I could probably read close to anything if it's only like... well explained how exactly the characters got there and what is compelling them to do/like xyz. And that's what I hope to do with this challenge! Find a way to write the characters we know and love in situations that we maybe might not (or maybe we do?) expect them in and explore what could motivate them and what they might be feeling and thinking of during these moments. So in a way it's personal because I like to do these thought experiments and obviously we're all sort of... caged in by the borders of our own imagination if that makes sense? But also not that personal at all, because it's more like... thinking through the filter of a fictional character.

I don't know if any of that made sense 😭 but thank you so much for that interesting question and the love for my fics 💜

[illarian-rambling]

Sending hugs always!

As I’m a total cat/horse person.

Have to ask what everyone’s thoughts on cats and horses are.

And going trail riding Friday.

Please and thank you.

A scene with horses hm... You know, Astra doesn't know how to ride a horse, despite how cowboy she is. And Mashal used to be a calvary knight. Idk about a scene for everyone, but I could definitely do something with that. I'll put it under the cut because it got kinda long ;)

"Well, it can't be that hard!" Astra huffed, crossing her arms. Why she was getting defensive about this, she wasn't sure. There was just something that chipped away at her farm girl pride every time she admitted she'd never ridden a horse before.

It wasn't like horses were even used in rice farming! That was just something novelists made up for their cute little descriptions of the ideal, bucolic life, and all the city folk took it as scripture. As if any of their pansy asses had ever had to muck out a pig pen....

"It's- I mean- I'm just surprised is all," Mashal admitted, clearly having read some of those kitschy novels in his unremembered past. "You just strike me as someone who can ride a horse."

"The hell is that supposed to mean?" Astra snorted a laugh. "And I've ridden an ox, thank you very much. That counts."

Her bravado fell a little flat as she peered into the stable they stood in front of. Tall, gangly animals shifted and huffed within the wooden stalls. This was specifically a courier stable - it just so happened to be attached to the inn they were staying at. Mashal had wanted to stop by to see the animals, which was what had prompted this whole discussion.

Her friend raised an eyebrow as he looked down at her. "You know, these are courier horses. We could rent one for an hour if you wanted to learn to ride."

"I-" Astra snapped her mouth shut, lowered her volume back down to a seven, then began again. "I don't know, love. I don't think I'm really cut out for somethin' like that. My legs are real short, and I wouldn't wanna inconvenience anyone. Besides-"

"It's ok to be nervous about doing something new," Mashal interjected.

Immediately, Astra gave him a look. But of course, he'd read her like a book.

"I ain't nervous!" she insisted nonetheless. "Fine, let's do it! Gimme the biggest damn animal in there!"

Mashal's eyes went wide. "O- Ok! Gods beyond, I need to be more careful about accidental reverse psychology with you...."

"What was that?" Astra called. She was already halfway to the rental desk, where a sallow teenager was sitting bored out of his mind.

"Yeah, sure, let's do it!" Mashal shook his head fondly as he jogged after her.

○○○○○

A few minutes' time found Astra snuggly saddled on the back of a shaggy horse that had already tried to eat the ribbons off her coat a total of five times. Mashal, eyes glowing an excited white, had called it a Haflinger. Apparently, not everything from his childhood as the son of a horsebreeder had been lost in the fog of amnesia. His obvious eagerness helped put a damper on Astra's anxiety, but still, now that she was on the saddle, the ground seemed an awful long way off.

"Do I just... tap it or somethin'?" Astra gave a forced laugh. "There ain't exactly any levers to pull on this thing."

"You can tap her sides with your heels if you want her to go," Mashal explained. "The clerk says she's trained in Skysheerian style, so further directions are going to be given with the reins. That's different from the Sulu'Okan style I'm used to, where you just use your feet. It keeps the hands free for a bow. But don't worry about that for now. I'll keep a handle on her halter so you can get used to the feel of her under you."

Biting her tongue against any inopportune jokes, Astra studied her friend's face for a moment. As always, his barebones expressions were a little hard to read, however, those wide eyes and slightly raised eyebrows told a tale. Mashal was really excited about this, wasn't he? Astra's heart sank as she came to the realization that he probably missed riding a lot, but was prevented from doing so by a thousand pound metal body.

For him, she decided. I might be a little, teensy bit afraid, but I know he feels 'bout the same around magic, and he let's me teach him runes all the time. If it makes 'im happy, I can do this. Who knows, maybe I'll be some horse ridin' prodigy?

Gathering her confidence like armor, Astra gave the horse a kick, expecting to start into a gentle walk. Except, right as she did, the horse jerked up from where it'd been trying to eat her coat yet again, pulling free a ribbon as it did. A runic ribbon. A runic ribbon that popped in a shower of sparks.

It was no more than a firecracker really. Not enough to do any damage. But it sure was enough to spook the poor horse into a dead gallop.

Astra shrieked as the mare bolted, tearing it's halter free from Mashal's distracted grasp. Her friend called out in alarm, however, she could hardly hear him over the sound of thundering hooves and rushing wind.

Astra's hair and coat blew like streamers behind her, and she just barely got a hand up in time to catch her hat. The world was a blur, every impact of the mare's hoof nearly jolting her off the saddle.

Break, how do I break! What was it Mashal said? Somethin' with the reins?

One hand still over her hat, Astra yanked on the reins as hard as she could. Maybe she expected a dead stop, but a horse wasn't a machine as she was more accustomed to.

For a moment, framed against the setting sun, she was the very picture of ranchhand heroism. It was a clean silhouette she cut on the back of a rearing horse, curls streaming untethered in the wind. Then, the image was promptly shattered by gravity's ungraceful hand.

Second later, Astra groaned as she found herself flat on her back. Her ribs ached from where she'd fallen, and her breath came in short gasps. The sound of footsteps transitioned into a familiar clang of bronze as Mashal slid down next to her.

"Gods beyond, are you alright!" Her friend's hands fluttered anxiously as he peered into her bleary eyes. "I should've thought about the coat, I'm so sorry. I didn't hold on and-"

"Mashal." Astra put a finger over his lips from her position flat on her back. "That... That was fuckin' incredible!"

Her friend blinked. "Wh- Really?"

A grin crept up Astra's lips as she remembered the wind's fingers combing through her hair, remembered the rush of adrenaline and pure joy. How fast had she been going there? It'd felt like she could've caught up to the horizon!

The witch sprang to her feet, staggering a little as the world spun around what might’ve been a very minor concussion. Plans for a network of gravitation runes capable of reducing a thousand pounds to two hundred bounced through her mind. Mashal seemed to catch the wild look in her eyes and sighed with relief. If she could scheme, she wasn't that injured after all.

Grinning like a child, Astra grabbed Mashal by the hand and began towing him after the runaway mare.

"Let's do that again!" she cheered.

[gayamulet]

Art drawling

Its sort of wild how art came to a screeching halt as soon as I got a full time job. And yeah, there's a bunch of corresponding factors- a physically demanding full time job crammed into 4 days, that I'm older and so, working with less energy, sleeping a lot more (seriously wtf), and compartmentalizing time much more. Freestanding time & energy is less and has to be planned out and those times left open for the chance to 'do art' in whatever capacity I can do not equate to 100% output success rates like day job hours. I can go in with a 'fuck yeah, art night!' frame of mind and come out pretty unfulfilled (again, with the awareness that fulfillment is not the goal).

And of course recognizing that many more mundane tasks fulfill a bigger chunk of that makemakemake drive- meal prep, cleaning (ugh), plant care, yard care, mending work clothes, etc. And you know, the more annoying factor. A lot of that creative energy also gets fulfilled by mundane tasks at work- animal care, walking, cleaning (yes that includes complicated dogshit catastrophes), training, behavior data collection & entry. I come out of it of course physically tired because it is hard messy work, but it also just has me choosing/seeking artistic outlets less, and not feeling too bad about it introspectively. Its make-drive going someplace useful, through whatever framework my brain has established as useful, idk.

All this brings me to my actual point of frustration with art-making, that when I have time and there is a bit of planning involved (I have exactly one con art show and local tiny art market to work toward this summer) and I sit down and I casually think about what I'd like, for me, for these events with no pressure and, again, for me, that

I just don't want to make myself anything. That it already exists, that there are endless iterations of whatever visual landscape I'm riffing through at any given time, that it doesn't need physical manifestation, that it no longer serves me creatively, that I don't care. I can dangle a glittery new process (ink, linocut, etc) like a its-about-the-process carrot in front of me, but suddenly I don't like carrots. And it feels, less born of a dead creative drive, and more like...an extension of what I don't want from other people- junk. That I do not want to generate more junk for myself. Does this make sense? I think it sounds more heartless than I mean for it to. Like unless there is very defined intention, then I don't need it? I cannot think of a way to explain it that doesn't sound protestant as fuck. Maybe I've hit some critical mass of art intake overload thanks to the internet, maybe this is just what creativity looks like now. Tho, there's enough of a useful task involved that freelance artwork is still hopping along- much more slowly than before for all the regular reasons listed above- but otherwise its fine. I still get that pleasant little brain buzz.

I get these surges of frustration, that I've fallen off from working toward some ultra-personalized visual landscape goal like I used to, that once I do I'll be perceived as human again, or something. Like this is still some pinnacle of artistic merit, in some mythical corner of my brain. But those surges are much less frequent than they used to be, and fizzle out quickly. And idk. Art isn't going anywhere in my life, but where it comes from and how I'm making and shaping things is changing again. I guess?

*I DO, however, wanna make more cardboard masks. So bad.

**I know I kept this in a pretty strict work vs art vacuum, without acknowledging other uses of time, including other hobbies which of course also accounts for creative/emotional outlet but you know what I'm gonna stop here before you guys figure out I'm actually a robot

[toastywatchesstevenuniverse]

S1 E45

Rose's Scabbard

Okay so I've learned a lot today.

Also this episode much like the fireworks one made me..

Very uncomfortable. But even more so than that one did.

This episode was just......really fucking sad man.

First off:

None of the gems seemed to like Greg so far (Except Amethyst) but Pearl especially seemed particularly not very fond of him. I kinda didn't think much about that. I just assumed it was because "Greg is a slob & Pearl doesn't like that he's a slob." And honestly given his current state in the show rn, I ain't exactly too fond of the man either. Though the winter episode definitely made me like him more.

But uh....now I'm starting to think Pearl's distaste for him isn't as simple as that. Because Pearl....

This whole episode Pearl was being like....

Okay look we can't word this in any other way: PEARL WAS BEING A MASSIVE HOMO™ THE ENTIRE TIME LIKE GOD DAMN SHE WAS GAY™ AS FUCK ABOUT ROSE THIS EPISODE LIKE WOAH OKAY NOW I GET WHATS GOING ON HERE. PEARL IS A MASSIVE FUCKING LESBIAN™ FOR ROSE & NOW THAT THIS REVEAL HAS HIT. Well to be honest that actually explains a lot. Like, huh, yeah actually this makes sense & explains a lot about why she's like this.

Guys when I called her a Gay™ Disaster™ all the way back in the start I wasn't expecting to actually be correct. I was like half joking when I said that????

I WAS TRYING TO BE FUNNY I WASNT TRYING TO BE A PROPHET HERE WHAT THE FUCK WHY WAS I ACTUALLY CORRECT¿???????¿¿¿¿¿???

I WAS JUST BEING A GOOF WHY DID I END UP HAVING THE GIFT OF PROPHECY???? FUCK OFF APOLLO.

PEARL & ROSE WERE APPARENTLY 'VERY CLOSE FRIENDS'. ROOMMATES OR WHATNOT. SHE EVEN FUCKING BLUSHED & HAD THE QUEER™ EYELASHES. DAMN PEARL I THINK YOU MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM A CASE OF BEING A FUCKING SIMP, YOU FUCKING LESBIAN™.

MY GAYDAR™ IS OFF THE CHARTS RIGHT NOW. THIS MF IS GAY™ AS FUCK. 💀 THIS IS BEYOND NORMAL GAY™. THIS IS ADVANCED GAY™.

So idk what happened that led to Rose vetting with Greg but yeah, suddenly I'm realizing Pearl disliking Greg is definitely a case of her being....

Well. And excuse me for the vulgar metaphor here but I can't resist.

Pearl is bitter because Greg was the one who got to put the sword in Rose's Scabbard when she wanted to put her sword in there in the first place.

And honestly if I lost out to someone like Greg who....let's face it is kind of a pretty shit dad so far. Yeah I'd be bitter too. It actually makes the fact she's the one trying the hardest to be Steven's mother make more sense & honeslty it makes her even more sympathetic. He's the closest thing she has left of Rose & the fact she's so caring & all just....if Rose had to sacrifice herself for Steven to exist, the fact Pearl isn't resentful towards Steven at all for that is so nice. Because it'd be so easy for the writers to just have her be like that for cheap drama but no, they don't. Thank you for that writers. That's so wise to avoid that bullshit bc I'd hate this episode if they went that direction....look idk how to word this rn but damn Pearl has some serious emotional issues. And Amethyst had some trauma reveal a few episodes ago too....

So if this pattern continues....

Guys I don't even know if I want to find out what fucked up shit Garnet is going through because I feel like hers is probably gonna be the most fucked up of the lot. Like I don't even think I WANT to find out what shit she's carrying in her head. I mean....like, fuck all of these people need therapy & a hug.

Anyways Pearl was definitely being shitty by the halfway mark (I mean what she said to Steven was legit fucked up I ain't gonna lie, like, damn, you said that to a CHILD, Pearl. Holy shit. I get that you're upset about the wife thing but he's literally a child I think he's probably upset about his mom being gone just as much as you are.) but y'know-

Okay quick side note: Amethyst I get that Pearl was being shitty but you have no right to be talking shit about her like you didn't just do some pretty fucked up shit just a couple episodes ago. Neither of y'all are in ANY position to be acting all high & mighty. Pearl just SAID something but you straight up fucking used your transformation magic to torment a man about his dead wife. You don't have any fucking high ground here girl. Garnet is the only one of you that has any room to be acting above it. She hasn't done anything like that so far so she's the only one that gets to talk shit. Sit tf down ma'am.

ahem, anyways Amethyst was being shitty too just a bit ago. And like I said then: when you're that mentally fucked it leads to that kinda behavior. It's not an excuse but it does mean you know there's a legit reason for why they'd act out like this. And it's not entirely their fault that they have a tendency to be that irrational. But Pearl, like Amethyst, you can tell she felt remorse.

Again, the way they resolve it without a drawn out argument...but instead it's just Pearl openly showing her vulnerability & Steven just showing her a sign of affection. No argument. No yelling. Just a genuine moment of sincere emotion. Steven understood. While what she said was horrible, he gets why she said it. They both miss her. But they have eahcother. I am going to fucking sob typing this oh my god.

Yeah this episode made me cry a lot. Absolutely stellar episode. And the ending was just beautiful.

Further cementing the fact that Pearl is my favorite. I can't wait to see how much the show uses her emotional baggage to rip my heart in half & stomp on it mercilessly.

Second best episode of the entire show so far. Only just slightly behind 'On The Run'. (That one just hit me on a more personal level so it still has my heart by the throat.)

[nomsfaultau]

(Potentially) Daily ask №6

Music edition!

Have you got a Fault playlist? Or a playlist for any of your works for that matter?

If the fault crew were songs, which songs would they be?

What style of music would each character listen to? Despite the fact that they probably don't have much time for it on the run

Enemy (the arcane version) animatic of fault. Yes or no. I won't be able to make it just got the idea

Slowly pushes Welcome home, Honey, Revived, Injustice/Voices (I couldn't choose cause voices is more epic but it's not rly about him is it) and Doomsday towards the crew just to see the reactions (presumably while explaining the concept of alternate universes)

Also update on the whole being afraid of insects and reading fault. I might have accidentally stopped being afraid of bees- which I think is an amazing confusing side effect

I use randomly generated playlists on YouTube when doing anything, so not really.

Got this one down! In this post that (I'll probably also rb) I discuss the top 3 songs I have for each character. But for bonus, I also like Sugar Pills by idkhbtfm for Phil since it captures his confusion/obsession/spiraling in the amnestic arc; Envy Green by the Arcadian Wild for Wilbur and his relationship with humanity; Ghosts by Danny Schmidt for Tommy. Not so much the part about killing the guy cheating on his wife, but it absolutely captures that guilt and self loathing, plus the extra juice of Tommy being both the hangman and the gallows. "If you've never touched someone you love/It'll burn them if you try"; and a general Razzmatazz by idkhbtfm for the Hallway Massacre/Foundation in general. I think it's about fame but it's also about fascism so idk. I mean the Foundation notoriously doesn't have a dictator but it checks off basically everything else.

Philza is probably really deep into some genre that died centuries ago and is like 'oh yeah you've never heard of it....it's really underground..' and people think he's a music snob but literally an avalanche wiped out the one village doing it, erasing all records. Tubbos' is very hectic given the Hivemind. There's definitely Disney princess songs in there for Jasmine which everyone just grits their teeth (..bees?) and deals with. Some old stuff from the 50s. Tends towards lowkey stuff. Tubbo canonically is bad at singing. The Blade canonically is a Swiftie. Or will be once that part is out. He avoids violent music bc the voices will ensure he literally never gets it out of his head. Tommy feels like he mostly listens to pop hits that are all on the billboard 100 list. Wilbur goes for literally anything. His exposure to music is mostly like. Walmart shopping tunes while he's robbing the place, so he doesn't exactly have an understanding of just how much is out there. But it adores creating its own music, and sings to calm itself down and control the void. Phil discovered the love and nurtured it by helping Wilbur get and learn a variety of instruments. The first was a woodwind Phil carved from cane. Wilbur's last mentioned instrument was a guitar with everyone's names written on it. Well. Besides the stuff the Foundation did...

ohhhhhhh yes. I can deffo see pieces of it. "Your words up on the wall as you're praying for my fall/And the laughter in the halls and the names that I've been called" with a shot of all the dehuminizing language used on the anomalies smeared in Tommy's Red, "The road is long, so put the pedal into the floor The enemy on my trail, my energy unavailable" capturing their constant fleeing, and just that leaving with "I'll never be a saint". Mmmmm delicious.

Mmmm dangerous games you're playing here with void madness, but I'll allow it. Welcome Home: Tommy finds it crushingly relatable. The part about colors turning Grey is a gut punch to him. I mean what hahhaha that guy is so depressed, he clearly can't be me.

Honey: Tubbo is just like. Muffin this other Tubbo clearly has nothing going wrong in their life- his? huh ok. Wait he isn't a bee?? Why is he so obsessed with honey then???? That's thievery. We're gonna sue.

Revived: Wilbur: .....this guy sounds like an edgy lil muffin. (Phil in the distance: mate you are an edgy lil muffin!) Shut up. Why is he so mad about dying? Like kinda inevitable with my -our?- lifestyle. And does this imply I'm going to die soon? (Phil: NOT ON MY WATCH). Whatever. The part about everything being mine sounds nice tho.

Injustice: At first The Blade is like uhhh this guy sounds a LOT like The Blood God and is on way too good of terms with the voices, but the line about yearning for peace wins him over, reframing it as purposeful violence in his eyes. He's entranced with the idea of committing violence as himself, almost.

Voices: The Blade: man it's like having a double dose of madness! Guys why can't you be cool like these voices? You never harmonize! Get good! These are clearly the superior voices. Also...am I really a scrawny pink haired nerd in that world?? bruuuuuuuh...

Doomsday: Philza: is it justice? I don't really know the context, but- (gets smacked by Tubbo) -ah, murder is illegal, even if it's rather effective at solving most prob-(SMACK) Ow! Muffining hell mate...I thought you were the one preaching that violence isn't the answer.

[calliopechild]

I’ve been curious about your thoughts on Raph, since Leo is your favorite. I know you’re also a fan of Rise, 12, and 03, so I thought I’d ask what you think of Raph in those series as well.

Ha, yeah, I've never exactly been subtle about who my favorite is. 💙🐢 But I do love Raph as well. (I mean, I love all of the boys, really.)

For me, 03 Raph is The Raph of all time. The OG version (for me, at least, since I never saw the 87 version) and my favorite. I think the writers/producers really nailed it with his blend of anger issues and the way he struggled with them, the way he loved so fiercely, and his soft side (Lone Raph and Cub, Raph and his adopted blind grandma, etc). His headbutting with Leo is I think one of the healthiest too, very closely followed by Rise, because yeah he wanted to do things his way, but a lot of his clashing with Leo was about making Leo justify his choices rather than just 'no because no' kind of obstinancy. Like that "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" quote? That's their relationship to me. I also love the complexity of Raph's constant desire to do and see more and have parts of his life that are his own, set against the way he can't imagine not being with his brothers or being there to watch their backs.

To be honest, 2k12 is probably my least favorite of the three series (writing choices, the way they seemed to keep repeating some of the same character arcs, the whole...Donnie + April +Casey thing), but there are still some things I like, including how Raph and Leo had the same rivalry but tempered with the 'A Team' camaraderie. 12 Raph is probably my least favorite--I feel like they leaned too much into some of the archetypal Raph characteristics (attitude, picking on his brothers) and not into the ones that made 03 so great and fleshed-out (softer side and his willingness to show it). That being said, I am aware that like with Rise, 12 leaned more into the "teenage" part of TMNT and the associated lower levels of emotional maturity for all of them. But I did like that 12 Raph got the taste of leadership he always asked for and was blunt about how much he didn't want it.

Which is a perfect segue into Rise! In the interest of honesty, I didn't check out Rise until the movie sucked me in because the sheer differences--Raph as the oldest and leader rather than Leo, how different the personalities were--had me in a kind of 'idk whose turtles those are but they aren't mine' mood. But I am adult enough to admit that Rise did some really neat choices in how they tweaked the characters in ways that did divert them from the 03 templates but still kept the base characteristics AND the differences were ones that were logically explained by the differences in 03/Rise's backstories. And I'm a huge sucker for character work and psychology nature vs. nurture stuff, so that on top of an absolutely kickass movie meant I was toast, lol. But yeah, Rise Raph is a precious disaster (affectionate). He's gotta be so big to fit all those caring instincts as well as all his anxiety. In some ways I think he's a lot of what 03 Raph might have wished he could be--someone who mastered his anger a lot earlier (because he had to, given his size, or else he risked hurting his brothers), someone who had an easy and supportive relationship with Leo with no fights over leadership (until the movie, at least), someone who never felt like he had to hide his softer side.

But universally, I love that Raph has his own little shit moments in every iteration, I love that he is the first to protect his brothers but also the first to dunk on them if/when they beef it (which is every sibling's right), and I love that there are parts of himself that he struggles with but never stops trying to work on because fuck you, there is nothing he can't punch until it cooperates.

I could probably go on forever but if I don't stop myself here I'll start looking for specific episodes to back up my points like I'm back in English class, so tl;dr is: Raph is also a good bean whomst I love.

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

BIMBO??

tag game

got TWO asks abt this one lmao so i will give this very rough snippet* but i would strongly recommend u first read the original post that is basically the outline for this fic bc idk if this is gonna make any sense without reading that first

*by "rough snippet" i mean i cut this from the original post bc that post was getting rlly long. but u can basically stick this snippet into that post above the last two paragraphs

and that's how they cycle back to bimbo. this time it sticks for good because, at the turning point of their reconciliation, ed and stede get into a huge argument up on the deck in front of the whole crew. idk what they're arguing about exactly (but it's one of those "the thing they're arguing about is actually covering up the real thing they're mad about" kind of fights) and i think stede says something like "i am loyal to every member of my crew, including you! they named me bimbo, and i take that very seriously"

and then ed snaps and grabs the front of stede's shirt and shakes him and yells, "bimbo means dumb slut, you fucking idiot! it's not a goddamn compliment!" and the whole crew gasps because oh shit, we're screwed.

there's a moment where stede looks around the crew and he sees all the guilt on their faces and he's like, oh, ed's not lying. huh. and then he just shrugs and says, "well, i'm not a bimbo. i'm a himbo. i'm your himbo, actually!"

and ed freezes (hand still fisted in stede's shirt) and says, "what" in a very strangled voice.

and stede just smiles and explains, "i'm not a woman, so i'm not a bimbo. i'm a himbo" like he's telling ed the difference between forks with three prongs and forks with two.

and ed's like "you just called yourself a bimbo?"

and stede's like "yeah, but the b stands for blackbeard's. i'm blackbeard's himbo."

ed suddenly has tears in his eyes. he sniffles. "that is the dumbest thing i've ever heard of."

and stede raises his hand and wipes the tears from ed's eyes and says, "yes, well. apparently my crew has been calling me a dumb slut this whole time, so i suppose it's accurate"

and one of the crew members (roach? frenchie? wee john?) is like. "sorry bout that, cap'n. we didn't mean it"

and lucius very quietly is like "we didn't?"

ed is like "you're not actually dumb slut, stede."

and stede (not looking away from ed) is like "oh, i don't know, i think they may have had a point." his other hand comes up to wipe away more tears, and now he has ed's face cradled in his hands. "i am a dumb slut, when it comes to you."

and then they kiss and ed is crying and they live happily ever after and izzy dies or something idk the end.