#idk how this ended up being almost 20k words

[alygator77]

∘₊✧─moment of weakness─✧₊∘

✧ pairing. satoru gojo x fem! reader (also ft suguru geto)

✧ summary. after a rough night at the bar, you are drunk out of your mind and decided to ask your best friend satoru to come pick you up to take you home. but during the car ride the alcohol starts giving you courage, making you feel rather bold as you make a move on your best friend. did this ruin your friendship? was this a mistake, or does he reciprocate your feelings?

✧ warnings/tags. 18+ MDNI, nsfw, smut, bit of angst, reader is drunk for first half, friends to lovers, mutual pining, somewhat public sex, car sex, groping while driving, dry humping, handjob teasing (m), fingering (f! receiving), satoru and reader in their 20s and both work at jujutsu high, both are powerful sorcerers, satoru takes care of you while you’re sick, satoru is also being an idiot, suguru makes a move on you, takes place before suguru leaves jujutsu high, will end with fluff

✧ words: 12.7k (yeeeeah idk what happened)

✧ a/n. this will be two parts because I'm currently sitting at 20k words, I have no clue how this happened... so I'm splitting it up. anyways, this is just a little side story that I have had brainrot for and had to get it out :)

✧ part two: moment of passion

“'toruuuu~” you call his name is a singsong childish voice while he pulls you into an embrace outside of the bar. Leaning into you, he can smell the liquor on you as you sway a little and give him an adorable pout. It’s not often he gets to see you like this.

“Take me home please, I'm bored here,” you sigh and nuzzle into the crook of his neck.        

Amused at this side of you, an affectionate hum leaves his lips as he tugs you even closer. You're being extra clingy today. Satoru can't help but snicker softly, his hold around your waist tightening. His hand slides lower to rest against the curve of your hip; slender, nimble fingers digging into your skin through the thin layer of your skirt.

A low amused chuckle falls from his lips as you snuggled into him. His face buries into your hair, his chin pressed softly against your tilted head. "You're such a needy little thing," he murmurs against your ear, his breath warm and almost ticklish. "And drunk off your damn ass, too. I’ll take you home."

Despite his words, his arms stay where they are. He was relishing in this clingy version of you, much more than the usual, sober you who tends to get irritated by him and push him away.

But who were you to push him away right now? Typically, you would do so in an attempt to distance yourself, to keep yourself in check. Afterall, Satoru is your best friend, but underneath the surface there has always been a part of you that craves more from him. Yet in this moment, you simply want to enjoy his gentle embrace.

With a soft exhale into Satoru's neck, you become enveloped in his warmth. It's a soothing contrast from the cool bite of the outside wind. A low groan escapes his lips as your warm breath tickles his neck, each puff sending a jolt of electricity running down his spine. He wishes he could stay like this forever.

It's always been this way— you're the only person who can make him feel things like this. Satoru and you have been friends for years. It started off as mere fellow jujutsu sorcerers, working together on missions, defeating curses together, but at one point it grew into something much more personal, with your late-night phone calls, lunch dates and movie marathons. That’s how it’s always been now, for as long as you can remember – you, Satoru and Suguru. And despite how much Satoru can get on your nerves sometimes, with his childish demeanor, emotional constipation and somewhat cocky attitude, he is always there for you.

You click your tongue before speaking, a cheeky smirk upon your lips. "Suguru challenged me to a drinking contest. Who am I to say no?"

Satoru's eyebrow quirks up at your response. Trust Geto to influence you into doing stupid things. Though, a subtle hint of irritation stirs within him when you mention his name. He begrudgingly recalls that as of recently, his best friend's gazes tends to linger a moment too long on your figure whenever interacting with you. Satoru’s admiration for you has grown into something he can’t quiet explain. He’s never felt this way about, well, anyone. Yet somehow, you manage to pull at him, thawing the icy heart he shields from everyone else. But he’s scared – if he is to act on those feelings, he’s certain it’ll only cause you both pain. He’s the strongest sorcerer after all, that easily makes you a target. So, he chooses to push his emotions down and continues to be what he’s always been for you, your best friend.

"Of course you're not. You're a glutton for punishment," he sighs, his fingers giving your hip a gentle squeeze. "You just had to prove yourself, huh? Why do I have a feeling you didn't even last a few shots? You're such a lightweight," he teases, his tone a mixture of amusement and affection.

His hand moves lower to hold the back of your thigh – a gasp escaping your lips, immediately followed by a soft giggle as he easily lifts you off your feet. “You're lucky I'm here to take you home, princess."

With a gentle sigh, you rest your head against his chest as he holds you in his embrace. The soft sound of his heartbeat soothes you as he begins to carry you towards his car. "You're the best 'toru. Always taking care of me."

A rare, fond smile tugs at the corners of his lips as you murmur those words, his heart skipping a beat inside his chest. Despite his usual nonchalant and cocky demeanor, Satoru has always had a soft spot for you. He may not admit it, of course, but secretly, he craves your praise.

"Of course I am." he muses, carrying you effortlessly towards his car. As he walks, his chin brushes gently against the top of your head. "Someone has to watch over you so you don't get into trouble. You're a magnet for mishaps." His tone playful, but laced with a hint of protectiveness. "Can't have someone else picking you up from the bar all drunk, now can I?"

Satoru opens the passenger door and carefully sets you inside, leaning over momentarily to click your seatbelt into place. He then walks around and enters the driver side. You lean your head back on the headrest, gently closing your eyes and exhaling with a slight annoyance as you take a moment to recall what happened moments before Satoru picked you up.

"Ugh. You won't believe it. Suguru was insisting I go home with him tonight.. and he was being real persistent," the alcohol is clearly loosening your tongue a bit more, and it doesn’t help that you never really gave yourself a moment to process what had happened.

Satoru freezes for a brief moment, his hand hovering over the ignition. His jaw clenches briefly at the mention of Geto again – did his closest friend actually make a move on you? It sets off a flicker of jealousy within him. Not that he'd explicitly show it, instead, a nonchalant expression maintains his features as he starts up the car. The engine hums to life, casting a low rumble in the otherwise silent vehicle.

"Is that so?" he replies, feigning nonchalance despite the subtle edge that underlines his tone. His gaze briefly flickers in your direction before focusing back on the road. "And why would he suddenly want to do that?"

You stare out at the road and lift an eyebrow, biting your lip as you hesitate – you’ve always had a slight suspicion that maybe Satoru also has feelings for you, he undeniably is affectionate.. but it’s hard for you to know for certain if that affection is romantic since he is always so hot and cold with you. One moment he’s worshiping you, the next he’s pushing you away. And deep down you know it’s probably for the best to remain the way you are – you’re content having him in your life, even if it’s just as your best friend, though a part of you still pines for him.

You wonder how he'll respond when you tell him about Suguru. Satoru’s always been protective over you. But you feel that as your best friend, he should know. That's why you called him. After everything that happened, he was the only person you thought of, the only person you wanted to see.

"Well, considering the way he tried to kiss me tonight, I'm assuming he didn't wanna talk."

Satoru's grip on the steering wheel tightens visibly at your revelation, his knuckles turning slightly paler as his hold on the leather material strains. A wave of bitterness washes over him, his eyes growing darker as he processes what you'd just said. He’s always buried this bitterness deep down when he’d watch you with other men, but Suguru? A twinge of betrayal stirs in him.

His gaze remains fixed on the road ahead, the car's headlights cutting through the night. He clears his throat slightly, his voice low and measured. "And how did you respond to that?"

Bringing your hand to your face, you shake your head in disbelief as if you’re trying to shoo the mere image out of your mind. You, Satoru and Suguru were an inseparable trio. The three of you have been the best of friends for… well what feels like practically forever. But lately, Suguru has been acting rather…odd. That’s why his advances tonight really caught you off guard. It just didn't feel...right.

"Well.. obviously, I pushed him away. I don’t know what came over him, but I was not having it. So, I immediately called you to come get me."

As you describe the encounter, a wave of relief washes over Satoru. It appeases him to know that your reaction wasn't one of reciprocation. His hold on the steering wheel eases a fraction, his shoulders losing some tension. He hums softly in acknowledgment, his gaze flickering in your direction for a brief moment.

"Good," he replies, a hint of protectiveness seeping into his tone. "You should always call me if someone tries to bother you, alright? I'll always come get you. I'd rather have you with me than with anyone else any day."

You giggle and turn your head to the side facing Satoru, the warmth of the alcohol giving a soft flush to your cheeks. You admire Satoru's profile while his eyes are peeled to the road. He is so beautiful in the moonlight, his snowy hair as smooth as silk, tousles hanging loose amongst his white lashes – the headlights illuminating his cerulean blue eyes, eyes you find yourself getting lost in.

Wait.. did he just imply that he wants me? You think.

Have you perhaps had too much to drink? Was that a slip up, or did you imagine it?

"You'd, rather have me with you?" You repeat his words back slowly, gazing at him.

Satoru's grip on the steering wheel loosens slightly, his thumb tracing a lazy pattern against its leather surface as he navigates the darkened roads. He glances in your direction, meeting your gaze for a moment before turning his attention back to the road – the way your eyes trace over his features, bathed by the passing street lights, nearly makes his breath catch in his throat.

The words he uttered moments before replay in his mind, and he realizes just how much they might have revealed. Usually, you’d simply dismiss his subtle advances, or he’d play them off with a witty comment, but tonight there was a look in your eyes, and the gentle seriousness in your voice... It caught him slightly off guard.

"Yeah. I would," he responds, his tone softer than usual.

A brief moment of silence fills the car, his words hanging in the air like a heavy promise. You shift your body to the side entirely, facing directly towards him as you lay back in your seat – your cheek pressed flush against the cool leather as you watch him intently. The intimacy in the car is palpable. You reach your hand out and rest it on Satoru's leg.

"'Toru..."

Satoru's breath hitches at the feeling of your hand on his leg. It's a simple gesture, a subtle touch, but it sends a jolt coursing through his body. The way you say his name in that moment, he’s heard you say it every day, but this was different. The warmth you suddenly inject into the small space, he can’t simply disregard it.

He steals a glance at you, his eyes darkening as he sees the intensity of your gaze. His muscles tense, both from the impact of your touch and the unexpected shift in the atmosphere.

"..yeah?" he replies, his voice a low, almost husky whisper.

You feel the liquor driving your body in a way you cannot stop. You begin to rub small intimate circles on his leg with your fingertips – brushing him ever so gently as you caress slowly up his thigh. There are words you’ve been eager to say but have locked up deep within you – suddenly the alcohol is causing your shackles to break, betraying your sense of restraint.

"I realized tonight.. I really wanted to see you. I only want you. That's why I called," your breath a whisper, your eyes bearing into him with deep longing.

Satoru can barely concentrate on the road anymore. Your gentle touch, the way your fingertips graze over him – it ignites a fire within him. His thighs flex under your caress, your gesture sending sparks of pleasure throughout him.

He swallows hard, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. Your words, the truth in your confession, hit him like a ton of bricks. He'd been wanting to hear those words for so long, and now that they were finally being voiced, it somehow seemed too good to be true.

He inhales sharply, the air caught in his lungs. "You’re drunk. Only me, huh?" he murmurs, his voice low and hoarse as his gaze momentarily flickers to meet yours. The raw honesty in your eyes stirs something primal within him.

The unpredictable movements of your fingertips begin to climb higher up his thigh, dangerously close to his groin. Your eyes do not waver, intently looking at him with a burning passion. A passion that you had buried deep inside yourself for many, many years.

It’s a passion you’ve been bottling up – you’ve been denying yourself your affection towards Satoru. Denying your love for him. And while there may have been subtle hints that he reciprocated your feelings, there was also an inexplicable fear of breaking the friendship you have built up over many years. That is why usually, you would just turn a blind eye, and so would he. You both accepted this is how it would always be.

But you crave him so much. You crave his touch.

"Only you, 'toru. I... need you."

A soft, almost strangled gasp escapes Satoru's lips as your fingers move higher, the sudden intensity of your touch driving him into madness. He tightens his grip on the wheel, his knuckles turning white from the sheer force. His eyes briefly flicker back to yours, your intense gaze not missed by him.

"Fuck,” he mutters, a hint of desperation in his voice. The need in your words, the way you express your want for him, it causes his stomach to flip in a way he’s never felt before. “What are you doing to me, love?”

Your lips curl into a smile as you hear his voice waver. It’s a side of him you have never had the privilege to see. An intense ache pulses in between your legs as you feel pure, wet, desire begin to cloud your judgement. Why was it you didn’t act more daring with Satoru before? You suddenly can’t remember, because right now all you know is that you just want to hear more of those sounds from him. Make him become undone from you.

Your fingertips brush gently, teasingly, against the slight bulge forming under the taut fabric of Satoru's pants.

"Do you want me to stop?" your voice a silky whisper.

Satoru's breath hitches, a shiver raking down his spine as your fingers brush against the growing arousal in his pants. You have never been this bold with him. It takes every ounce of his restraint not to shudder visibly. He clenches his jaw, his gaze fixated on the road ahead, desperately trying to maintain some semblance of composure.

"I... fuck," he manages to mutter, his gaze flicking between the road and you. "Don't you dare," he responds, his voice thick and raspy. "If you stop, I might just lose my damn mind."

You bite your lip and trace your fingers up to the tip of his now prominent bulge – feeling it twitch with a needy desire underneath your digits. A slight wet patch begins to form, seeping through his trousers. Satoru nearly jerks the wheel as shock waves of pleasure shoot up his spine. A sharp exhale escaping his lips, his body reacting viscerally to your touch. It takes every ounce of control for him not to lose it entirely. He can barely keep his eyes on the road, the urge to look at you, to devour you, is almost unbearable.

You click your tongue smugly, a self-satisfied smile forming across your lips. "Tsk tsk~ 'toru, eyes on the road."

Another strangled sound escapes from somewhere deep within him. The way you touch him, the way you tease him, ignites a fire that burns throughout his veins. His mind is swimming with pure need, his hands trembling against the wheel.

"You're... going to be the death of me," he manages to utter, his voice a strained growl. But he can't stop himself from glancing at you, his azure eyes almost black with desire. "You're such a damn tease. I want to pull over and... God." He trails off, his teeth clenched.

You press your palm down on his erection, feeling it grow underneath the pressure, and you enjoy quite literally having him in the palm of your hands. The street lights darting behind Satoru's longing stare, each flicker of light revealing beautiful glimpses of his desperation for you.

"Come on 'toru. Hurry up and take me home. We're almost there," you knowingly tease him with a subtle plea.

Satoru’s eyes flutter shut for a moment, his head falling back against the seat, as you press your palm against his aching length. Was he dreaming? He lets out a low groan, a mixture of need and frustration that he's unable to act on, yet. His eyes flash open and he briefly shakes his head as he quickly remembers he’s still infact driving.

He growls and presses down on the gas, the speed of the car gradually increasing as he fights to maintain his control. "You'd better be ready for what you're doing to me, love. You're playing with fire."

The road stretches ahead, the car's headlights illuminating the way, the distance seemingly insurmountable. You catch sight of familiar houses through the window behind Satoru, which immediately tells you that you are on the street of your apartment complex. Feeling that needy ache between your legs again, you crave more. Your hand trails up to the zipper of Satoru's pants, slowly pulling it down to expose his boxers, bulge pushing hard against the cloth as it is covered in a pool of precum – aching, and desperate for you.

"God, 'toru," you gasp at the sight. Even though it is hidden underneath the fabric, you can tell that it is undeniably, big.

The sound of the zipper being undone is like a siren's call in his ears, his breath catching in his chest. "Fuck," he mutters, his voice a gravelly rasp. "You're... unbelievable. You're... so damn impatient," he manages to bite out, his voice a wrecked, strangled whisper.

His thighs tremble with an uncontrollable shudder as you look at his arousal – he looks at your soft supple lips, and he wants so badly to shove his cock deep into your throat, the need to have you consuming him, gasping and moaning. It’s an imagine that he would often fantasize about.

"If you keep teasing me like this, I promise you—” as he trails off the car suddenly comes to a halt, the engine shutting off as Satoru pulls up to the curb outside your apartment building.

The moment the car stills, the only sound being the rhythmic pace of his ragged breaths, Satoru looks over at you, his eyes raking in the sight of your face — flushed and full of yearning. His gaze dark and intense, his pupils dilated with raw desire.

He watches as you unbuckle your seatbelt, the sound of the click echoes in the small space. And in that moment, it acts as if a switch flipped inside of him, unleashing something primal within. He quickly unbuckles his own seatbelt and turns towards you with haste.

His hand promptly reaches out, grasping your wrist, his grip firm and unrelenting. "Not so fast," he murmurs, his voice low and commanding. He reaches for your thighs, his fingers almost trembling with the need to touch you. His body moves with a desperate fervor and a harsh grip as he tugs you across the center console and onto his lap, his strong arms encircling you tightly. The air is thick with tension, the desire between you two palpably tangible.

"Come here," he whispers. His hand grasping the back of your neck and guiding you towards him. You feel your clothed clit press against his length and moan, pushing forward as you crash your lips against his own.

The moment your lips meet his, he practically growls, his own groan mingling with yours as you rock against his aching arousal. His hands immediately finding purchase against your thighs, his grip on you is almost bruising, a physical manifestation of his need for you.

The taste of you, the feel of your body on his lap, pushes him to the edge of what little control he had as his hands begin to wander freely, roaming possessively over your body, as if he needs to touch you everywhere at once – touching and massaging, as if trying to commit every curve and contour to memory.

His tongue dips into your mouth, exploring and claiming your tongue hungrily.  His hands moving beneath your shirt, his palms searing against your skin. “You.. don't know... how long... I've wanted you," he manages to mutter between kisses – his breath coming in as hot gasps as his body trembles with the sheer intensity of his desire.

A guttural moan rumbles from deep within his chest, his hips jerking involuntarily as you grind against him. He breaks the kiss, his lips trailing down the length of your neck, his teeth nibbling and biting possessively along the way. A hand underneath your shirt cups your breast, gently flicking your nipple between his index finger and thumb, while his other hand roams below your skirt, greedily seeking to touch more of you as he circles around your wet sensitive bud through your already soaked underwear.

“Nngh… ‘toru,” you moan. The heat between you two is fierce, a burning tension that has been years in the making. He relishes the sound of his name escaping your lips in a desperate moan. He wants to hear it again, hear the sound of it on your lips, as he claims you entirely.

His hand on your clit moves hungrily, his touch exploring greedily as he aches to feel more of your arousal. “You're so wet for me," he breaths against your skin, his touch growing more insistent, more urgent. "I can feel how badly you want this. Need this."

He pulls the fabric of your panties to the side, exposing your pretty folds dripping in pools of nectar, and he begins to tease your entrance. His mouth moves from your neck to your ear, his lips grazing over the sensitive flesh of your earlobe. "Say my name again," he whispers, his voice a low, demanding growl.

“Please… ‘toru,” you plead. Satoru's eyes fix on your face, he drinks in the sight of you – flushed and filled with need, lips plump and pink. A sight he’s only ever dreamed of, and now he cannot believe that he actually has you like this on top of him. It’s so captivating it makes his heart pound against his ribcage like a caged beast.

He moans softly against your ear, a low growl rumbling in his throat as you say his name — just how he wanted. His own breath comes in ragged gasps as he continues to tease your entrance. "That's it," he murmurs, his voice roughened with need. "Beg for me. Beg me to give you what you need."

An inch of his finger presses against your entrance, his touch gentle yet insistent, as his thumb slowly circles your sensitive bud, teasing and tormenting you, his touch hungry and demanding.

"You're so unfair," you moan, pleading and desperate for more. "Please 'toru, please. Need you now."

"Good girl," he grins as he parts your lower lips and thrusts his digit in deep, feeling the warmth around your plush warm walls. Your body arches back in pleasure as you let out a loud and longing moan. The sound of your moan fills the air, a symphony of desire that only feeds the fire within him. "You're so pretty like this," he murmurs, his voice a ragged whisper. "So desperate. So needy."

He begins scraping inside you softly and slowly, curling his fingers up as your walls clamp down on him, needy for more. You feel the heat rising in the car. The air is thick with your combined breaths, the windows fogged up like a veil of desire.

“Fuck ‘toru.. so good… need more,” pleading to him between your moans, your essence dripping onto him while the squelching sound of your juices fill the air.

"You want more, huh?" he breathes, his voice a low, growl. "You want everything I have to give, love?" He continues to tease you, his finger and thumb working in unison as he adds a second digit, his movements insistent. "Well, I intend to give you just that."

Moaning his name in pleasure from the intrusion, you slowly rock your hips upon his hand. The other hand continues to caress your breast as his claims your nipple with soft stimulating circles. You feel yourself eagerly approaching a sweet release. "Nnngh, don't stop 'toru... m' close"

"So close," he echoes, his voice a low, gravelly growl. "I can feel you clenching around my fingers, love. You want it so badly, don't you?" He continues, his pace quickening, determined to send you over the edge.

Your hands take purchase on Satoru's hair, intertwining his white locks between your fingertips, you lightly pull at the tousles with a desperate need to grab something, anything, as you ride out the wave of overwhelming ecstasy that he gives you. Satoru leans into the touch of your hands as you grasp for him, his eyes never leaving your face. The sight of you, flushed and wanting, only feeds his desire to give you what you need, his cock throbbing underneath you.

His fingers continue their onslaught, increasing pace and delving deeper into your core, his own breath coming in ragged gasps. You rest your forehead gently against his own while the speed of your grinding increases, eagerly matching the movement of his thrusts. "That's it sweetheart," he murmurs, his voice a ragged whisper. "Just let go for me. I want to feel you come unraveled in my hands."

His motions become more insistent, his fingers finding the spots that make you shudder and gasp. "Nnngh.. Satoru.. m' cuming."

"Cum for me, love. I want to hear you scream my name," he breathes against your lips before he captures them in a heated kiss, his tongue delving into your mouth with fervor. His fingers move more urgently, his pace relentless, determined to send you over the edge – and he does just that as you come completely undone on top of him. Moaning his name into his mouth, you feel the sweet release drip down his hand, drenching him completely.

Fuck, he wanted to cum right then and there. Holding you close, his arm encircles your waist as he swallows your moans, his tongue claiming your mouth as he kisses you deeply and greedily. His fingers slow their pace, gently guiding you through the aftershocks of your orgasm.

Pulling away from the kiss, he rests his forehead against yours while groaning in satisfaction. “That's my girl," he breathes, his voice a husky whisper. "You're so beautiful."

He slowly withdraws from within you, his hand glistening with your sweetness, and he brings his fingers to his mouth, slowly licking them clean while a low groan of pleasure escapes his lips. “Need to taste more of you.”

Every nerve in your body begins to sing with hungry desire, your head slightly spinning from the liquor while your skin tingles with the aftershocks of your pleasure. The sight of him, lazily licking his fingers clean, sends a new wave of heat through you, and Satoru’s words, so primal and possessive, only serve to stoke the flames of need within you. He shifts beneath you, his hands moving to your thighs now, gripping you tightly and pulling you down closer to his evident arousal, only separated against the thin fabric of his boxers.

"You'd better get me upstairs,” you urge, breathless from the heat of the moment and hungry for more – more of him. All of him. “I don’t think I can bear much more of this. Need you inside me," your breath tickles him as your teeth lightly nip at the sensitive skin across the length of his neck, moaning softly while you leave a trail of burning kisses across his flesh.

His body shudders under your touch as you graze him, and you feel his cock twitch against you. The feeling of your mouth on his skin is like a drug, driving his desire to a fever pitch. He leans back against the headrest, his head tilting back in pleasure, exposing more of his neck to your hungry lips.

"You're driving me crazy," he growls, his voice a low, gravelly whisper. "The things I want to do to you... you don't need to tell me twice."

But while he fumbles for the door handle, you grin against the crook of his neck as you begin to press yourself further on top of him, slowly grinding against his aching length. Ragged gasps escape his lips and you are pleased with how you have him writhing beneath you.

“Nngh.. fuck it,” he hisses. “I need you. Right. Now. Hold on tight."

And in a moment, you feel yourself pulled by a magnetizing force. You blink, and suddenly there you are, laying against Satoru exactly as you were, but now directly on top of your bed inside your apartment. He teleported you there, unable to wait a second longer.

You’ve experienced Satoru’s teleporting technique in the past, but there is one thing you both failed to take into consideration, you were drunk. The sudden force of being projected through space and time makes your stomach twist in discomfort, you bring your hand to your mouth in an attempt to fight off the nausea, and Satoru's eyes widen as he realizes the sudden shift in your demeanor, the color draining from your face as you quickly scramble off of him.

A pang of guilt stabs at his heart as he realizes what he's done – he had temporarily forgotten your slightly impaired state. Concern etched across his features, he watches you stumbling towards the bathroom, your balance betraying you. Satoru springs to action, catching you, his hands reaching out to steady you.

"Fuck," he curses under his breath, his hands gently encircling your waist as he leans you against him, guiding you carefully. "Shit, love, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking. You alright?"

The room begins to spin as Satoru guides you towards the toilet. You slump down in front of it and begin retching, the nausea beating you in an already lost battle. Tears well up in your eyes from the burning pain that stings your throat.

Satoru's expression twists in concern as he kneels beside you on the floor, his hand gently rubbing soothing circles on your back. The sight of your tears makes his heart sink, and a mix of guilt and worry clouds his features.

"Shhh... it's okay, love," he reassures, his voice laced with remorse. "Shit, I'm sorry. I should've known better.. guess I didn’t think that one through. I really shouldn't have teleported you like that in your state."

You sit in front of the toilet for what feels like an eternity, and Satoru stays beside you the entire time, offering what little comfort he can while you let it all out. You feel your body overcome with exhaustion, aching from the tension of each agonizingly painful convulsion. As you let out the last of what your stomach has to offer, your breath becomes ragged, panting with fatigue. You curl up into a ball, resting your head on Satoru’s lap whilst closing your eyes in a desperate attempt to stop the overwhelming feeling that the room is spinning.

He gently brushes away the hair that sticks to your sweaty forehead, his touch tender and caring. "I'm sorry," he whispers softly. "I should have been more thoughtful. I shouldn't have let my impatience ruin things. I was just so caught up in the moment. You're in this state because of me."

You let out a long deep exhale while your eyes remained closed, the sound of his voice giving you slight comfort. “Satoru. I’m in this state because I thought having three shots of hard liquor and five mixed drinks was a good idea. This isn’t your fault.” Reaching for his hand, you intertwine your fingers with his own. “You weren’t the only one caught up in the moment..”

He squeezes your hand in return, his grip firm yet gentle. His thumb brushes over your knuckles, tracing small patterns on your skin.

"You know, for a woman who just emptied her stomach, you sure still know how to put things into perspective," he muses.

You scoff, a slight smile tugging at the corner of your lips. “What can I say, I’m a guru.”

"Yeah, sure. You’re a guru. Guru of making poor choices, maybe," he quips back at you with a grin. “You really thought five drinks was a good idea? You've always been a lightweight, but this time you really outdid yourself, princess," he teases.

“Shut up.” You laugh, your eyes still closed as you nuzzle your face more into the warmth of his lap.

He lifts his other hand to your face, his thumb brushing away a tear that lingered on your cheek. "I still feel guilty, though," he admits, his voice carrying a gentle tone. "I should have been more cautious, especially since I know how your tolerance is when you're drunk."

"Well hey, at least we’ve learned our lesson, right? No more teleporting drunk girls."

He chuckles and lets out a small sigh, his eyes tracing the contour of your face. "You've always been a handful when you're drunk, always tending to do things recklessly when alcohols involved. Like drinking more than you should, or getting your hand stuck in the Pringles can. Or…" he trails off, briefly recalling your shared passion in the car.

Your tired eyes flutter open, revealing a lazy smile as you respond with a playful glint. "Oh come on, getting my hand stuck in a Pringles can was a one-time thing. And it was your fault."

He looks down at you with a mixture of concern and affection. Was this all just another one of your drunk antics? He desperately wanted to know your feelings, but now wasn’t the time. You needed rest, and it’s probably best if you’re both level headed for that conversation.

"You’re gonna drink some water and brush your teeth, alright? Then, we'll get you into bed," his voice is gentle yet firm.

You nod weakly in agreement, appreciating his care and concern in that moment. The events of the night and the nausea had drained any energy you had left. Summoning the little strength that you had to pull yourself up from the floor, Satoru's supportive presence is there to stabilize you. You allow him to help you to your feet, steadying yourself against him as the room continues to spin.

"Yeah, that sounds like a good plan," you mumble softly. "I'm so tired.”

Satoru's touch is gentle and attentive as he guides you through a routine of cleaning up - supporting you to the sink to brush your teeth, helping you brush your hair and gently drying your face with a clean towel.

“Thank you, ‘toru." You mumble softly, and he smiles warmly in response. His arms lift you from the bathroom, carrying you like a delicate treasure through the hallway to your bedroom. He slowly lowers you onto the soft bed sheets with a feather-light touch and brings you a glass of water.

Satoru tenderly strips you of your evening clothes, replacing them with the comfort of your satin pajamas. The fabric is soft and soothing against your weary body and his fingers delicately guide each limb as he moves. He pulls the blankets over you, tucking you in like a cocoon. You shiver slightly as the cool sheets touch your skin, but as you sink into the softness of your bed, the exhaustion seeps into your bones, and you can feel your eyelids growing heavy.

Kneeling beside the bed, Satoru gently brushes a strand of hair away from your forehead, searching your face with a mixture of concern and affection. "Do you need anything else?" he asks, his voice a low and soothing murmur.

With a soft smile of contentment on your face, you reach a drowsy hand over to him and grab onto the fabric of his shirt, holding onto him. "Stay with me," you murmur, the words barely more than a tired whisper.

He chuckles softly, endeared by your drowsy voice and the way you hold onto him. Without another word, he carefully maneuvers himself onto the bed, climbing in beside you. Once he's settled in, he pulls you closer to him, wrapping his arms tightly around your body.

He reaches forward to switch off your bedside lamp, plunging the room into a soothing darkness. He buries his face into your hair, inhaling your familiar scent as he settles into the comfort of holding you. "I'm here," he whispers softly, his voice a soothing rumble against your ear. "Not going anywhere, love."

You feel warm – this is everything you’ve always wanted. But as you battle falling out of consciousness, you cannot stop your mind from racing. The memories of Satoru being hot and cold with his affection of you in the past – you desperately hope your feelings reached him properly. After all this, he wouldn’t push you away again… right?

“Don’t leave…” your words a soft murmur in the quiet room, revealing the vulnerability and fear lurking in the depths of your heart.

Satoru's expression turns somber as he considers your plea, his arms instinctively tightening their embrace around you. "I'm not going anywhere." he repeats, his voice soft in your ear. He feels the weight of your body relax against him as you slowly drift off to sleep.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

As you slowly slip into unconsciousness, Satoru remains wide awake, his thoughts swirling like a tempest in his mind. The memory of your shared passion weighs heavy on him, it was a moment where you were drunk while he was sound in mind – he can't shake the feeling that he was too selfish, too impulsive. He feels torn between the desire to submit to his love for you and the knowledge that it may put you in danger. Guilt gnaws at his heart.

∘₊✧

A slight beam of sun filters in through the curtains of your apartment, casting rays upon your face. Your eyes flutter open and you immediately feel an intense pang upon your temple, suddenly remembering just how much you drank last night.

You exhale in discomfort, rolling to the side to see yourself greeted with an empty bed… the sheets beside you are cool to the touch, evidence of Satoru's absence. Suddenly, memories of last night begin to flood your mind. You groan, covering your face with your arm. You acted recklessly… but you don’t regret it. You’ve desperately wanted Satoru for so long, and now you really didn’t want to lose him. Does he think last night was a mistake?

Your phone suddenly pings with a text notification. You fumble to reach for it on your nightstand, wincing as the brightness of the screen assaults your sensitive eyes. As you read the words in the message your heart jumps – can we talk about last night?

Fluttering your eyes briefly, you rub them sleepily in an attempt to steady your vision. You prop yourself up on your bed and take another good look at the message.

Suguru Geto: Can we talk about last night?

The phone feels heavy in your hand as you consider how to respond. You groan and plop back down into the mattress face first, the memories of Suguru's attempted kiss at the bar last night adding another layer of complication to your already throbbing headache.

You know you’ll need to address Suguru, but first you needed to get some food and medicine in you. After taking some Tylenol and chugging three glasses of water to help with the aftermath of your drunken night, you make a cup of coffee and fix yourself a slice of toast and a banana, hoping it'll quell the empty feeling in your stomach. You take a seat at the table, slowly nibbling on the food and sipping the coffee, feeling the caffeine start to help clear your still groggy state.

Once you've had your small makeshift breakfast, you pick up your phone again, steeling yourself to reply to Suguru's message. You muster the courage and quickly type –

Me: Yeah, we can talk.

You continue to take another sip of your coffee, and are surprised to see the phone chime almost immediately after you sent your message.

Suguru Geto: Okay. Meet you later tonight? After work?

Me: Sure.

∘₊✧

As you enter through the doors of Jujutsu High, Shoko's voice cuts through the air, making you wince as your lingering headache throbs.

“You look like shit,” she bluntly remarks as she observes you shuffle heavily on the floor, black sunglasses shield your gaze from the intense light that searches for you through the windows of the hallway.

“Gee, thanks Sho,” you mumble sarcastically.

She raises an eyebrow before continuing, her voice laced with a hint of suspicion. “By the time I got to the bar, you were already gone. You left earlier than I expected, we didn’t even get to do karaoke. What happened last night?”

“Honestly?” you say, trying to find the words. “I’m not even too sure myself what happened last night. What did Suguru tell you?”

Shoko studies your face closely, her eyes narrowing as she tries to make out your expression behind your dark sunglasses. She takes a moment to assess your state, her expression a mixture of concern and subtle curiosity.

"He didn't say much," she says slowly. "Just that you had a good time at the bar and then you randomly left early. But I could tell something was bothering him. He seemed pretty… distracted." She pauses for a moment, tilting her head slightly. "He also mentioned that you left with Gojo," she adds.

“Yeah… I was feeling sick so he took me home,” you reply slowly, trying not to give too much away. You really wanted to talk to Satoru himself before mentioning anything about last night to anyone else.

Shoko furrows her brow at your response, sensing that there's more to the story than what you're letting on. But she doesn't press further, sensing your reluctance to say more.

“Hey, speaking of… where is Satoru?” you ask while briefly glancing through the halls. “Usually he’s the first one here, ready to pester me.”

"Gojo's been pretty mysterious today. He got here earlier this morning, but he was in a weird mood. He didn't say a word to anyone and just headed straight to his office. He seemed preoccupied with something."

“I see...” you say, slight concern filtered in your voice. You really wanted to talk to Satoru, but does he want space? He left while you were sleeping last night, hasn’t texted you, and didn’t greet you like he usually does. Your heart feels a bit heavy with concern – you really hope that your actions didn’t ruin things between you two. How would you even face him? You shake your head, trying to push away the lingering thoughts. Time to focus on the task at hand – you had to get through work, then later you’d address Suguru.

Shoko eyes you closely, sensing the hint of worry in your voice. She hesitates for a moment before speaking, her voice a gentle yet firm reassurance. "Don't worry about it, I'm sure he's just busy. You know how he is, being the strongest and all."

You nod, trying to brush off the nagging feeling that something was off with Satoru. Maybe he really was just busy. "Yeah, you're right," you say, forcing a smile. “Anyways I gotta head to my mission. See you around Sho.”

"See you later. Be careful on your mission, okay?" With a final wave, she turns to head towards her own work. You take a deep breath and trek forward as you mentally prepare yourself for your assignment. You can’t afford to be distracted right now.

∘₊✧

While you’re nowhere near as strong as Satoru or Suguru, you are by no means a weak sorcerer. You hold the rank of Grade A, slowly making a name for yourself in the Jujutsu world. Typically, you can handle missions on your own, it’s really not often that you’re paired up with anyone for your assignments, but today you’ve been paired up with your fellow sorcerer, Nanami Kento, and thank god you are because the bothersome hangover almost makes you lose sight of a dreadful curse lurking in the shadows. It lunges directly at you – Nanami saves you with a black flash and eliminates the curse effortlessly.

Nanami shoots you a disapproving glance. "You need to pay attention," he says gruffly, his eyes narrowing at your distracted state. "You could've avoided that attack if you weren't so lost in thought."

You nod with a subtle grimace, and of course Nanami, as observant as ever, notices your struggle. "Are you alright, y/n?" he asks, his eyes still firm but there is concern in his voice.

“Yeah… thanks Nanami. Guess I’m just a little out of it today. Can you finish up here? I’ll go head back to campus and report to Yaga.”

Nanami studies you for a moment, his gaze assessing your tired appearance before nodding in understanding. "Alright. Be careful on your way back."

You head back towards Jujutsu High, the walk is peaceful, the sun slowly meeting the horizon. You look down at your phone, it reads 4:47pm. Your empty mailbox gnaws at you, it’s clear evidence that Satoru still hasn’t reached out to you. Agitated, you hastily tap your fingers on the keyboard, and hit send –

Me: Hey. Thanks for taking care of me last night.

After the message is sent, you stare at your phone, your fingers tapping the screen anxiously, waiting for a reply – a blue bubble, anything. But the minutes tick by and there’s nothing. The empty screen mocks you, the silence deafening, your heart sinks further.

Were you overthinking things? A pang of disappointment chews at you as the screen remains stubbornly empty. You brush your phone into your pocket and continue to walk towards the school. After a few silent minutes, although it felt like an eternity, you feel the buzz in your pocket. Quickly, you pick it up and look down to see a simple reply.

Satoru Gojo: Anytime.

A scoff escapes your lips, frustration and worry tug at the corners of your mind. The one worded message just as unbearable as his radio silence. Shaking your head, you stuff your phone back into your pocket as you walk through the entrance of Jujutsu High once again. Is this day over yet? Oh yeah, you almost forgot, you still have to talk to Suguru. Your misfortune never ends.

∘₊✧

“I see, so you and Nanami successfully defeated the curse in Ginza.” Principal Yaga speaks to you while he shuffles through the papers on his desk, his eyes not looking up at you while you give him your mission report.

“Great work y/n. You can head home for today,” But as you’re about to step out the door, Yaga promptly stops you with a sudden request.

"Actually, y/n. One more thing.”

“Yes sir?”

“Before you leave, could you bring some of these documents to Gojo for me? He was supposed to handle them yesterday, but you know how he is…" he gestures to the mound of documents on his desk with a disheveled sigh. "This is urgent – the higher-ups are getting impatient."

Satoru. The thought of seeing him right now makes you anxious, however, you know that you can't refuse Yaga's request. What excuse could you possibly give Yaga anyways? You nod, feigning nonchalance while taking the pile of papers from him. "Alright," you reply, the weight of the thin parchment feeling heavy in your hands. "I'll make sure he takes care of them."

As you gather the courage to approach Satoru's office, you can hear your heart pounding in your own ears. You halt directly in front of the door and with a deep breath, you knock firmly on it. His muffled voice instructs you to enter.

The office is dimly lit, the setting sun casting shadows across the room. He sits behind his desk and his eyes flicker up to you, but his expression remains enigmatic. Those piercing azure pools seem to stare straight through you, and you can immediately see they are somewhat detached. He leans back in his chair, his gaze fixated on you as he assesses your presence. The air between you both is thick with tension.

"Hey," he says simply, breaking the silence that hangs heavy in the room, his usual playful demeanor replaced with a more reserved one, causing a pang of trepidation to shoot through you.

“Hey,” you utter. “Yaga sent me to give you these documents,” you set them down on the desk in front of him amongst more stacks of papers. “He says it’s really important you address it.”

Satoru glances idly down to the papers before looking back up at you, his expression still unreadable. His usual smirk is nowhere to be seen; it is instead replaced by a hard, serious look that leaves you feeling unsettled.

“Thanks,” he replies curtly. He picks up the stack of papers and flips through them, his eyes skim over the words without a hint of emotion.

“So… um,” you begin, unsure what it is you want to say but desperate to see him feel something, anything, that will give you some sense of relief from the growing knot in your stomach. “Have a busy day?”

Satoru looks up from the stack of papers, his gaze locking onto yours, a flicker of irritation in his eyes. He lets out a dry chuckle, a shadow of his usual playful self. "Busy?" he repeats, with a hint of annoyance. "Yeah, I guess you could call it that. Meeting after meeting, curses left and right, and the higher-ups breathing down my neck as usual." He sighs deeply, running a hand through his messy white hair.

You know that everything about him is telling you to leave him alone, but your heart aches seeing this side of him. You feel a slight sense of guilt knowing that you probably caused more trouble for him last night, considering how late he was up taking care of you. Satoru always has so much on his plate, being the strongest sorcerer and all. He’s always sacrificing his own wants and needs for everyone else.

You yearn to break his icy front. He’s always putting on a façade, never really great about talking about his emotions, opting to brush them aside with feigned aloofness. Biting your cheek, you finally let the words come out.

“Yeah… well thank you again for taking care of me last night. Sorry I caused you trouble.”

His eyes narrow slightly at your mention of last night, his expression faltering momentarily before he quickly regains his composure. That brief lapse was enough to tell you that he didn’t want you to bring it up. He sets down the stack of papers and leans back in his chair, his arms crossing his chest.

“It’s fine,” he says, waving off your thanks. “You’re just a goddamn pain in the ass when you’re drunk.” There’s a subtle smirk on his face, but it’s lacking his usual teasing tone. “Wasn’t the first time,” he mutters as his gaze returns to the stack of papers in front of him. “Though you definitely were more clingy than usual.”

“Satoru.. about that…”

“—let’s just forget about it, okay?” he interjects, his body tense, his tone icy and his eyes peeled on the papers in front of him. “It meant nothing. You were drunk and horny, I just happened to be within reach.”

Your heart drops as a wave of emotions crash through you. You felt many things in that moment. Hurt. Sad. Angry. Very angry. You were trying so hard to be mature about this but his dismissive attitude was shattering what little composure you had. He wasn’t even giving you a moment to speak. Quite frankly, you had enough.

“Are you serious right now?” your voice laced with an evident sting.  

Satoru’s eyebrow raises at your sharp tone. Despite his cold demeanor, the slightest hint of surprise flickered across his features as you retorted. His gaze lifts from the papers in front of him to meet your hurt and fuming expression.

"I’m serious," he snaps back coldly. "It was a drunken mistake. Nothing more. It didn’t mean anything." He pauses, watching you intently, waiting for your response, but you are momentarily speechless as you clench your fist in frustration.

“What?” he continues, his tone sharp. “You don’t like it when I speak the truth? Because that’s what it was. It was just a drunk accident.”

“Oh, so you’re speaking for me now?” you quip. “Who are you to say what it meant to me. I was the only one drunk last night, not you.” You feel your eyes getting wet as you fight back the tears that you desperately try to stop from falling, a lump in your throat from the pain of holding them back. “So, tell me Satoru, is that what it was for you?”

“What do you want me to say? That it meant something? That I’ve secretly been pining for you all this time?” He chuckles bitterly, his gaze hard as he looks up at you. "Sorry, sweetheart. It wasn’t anything more than what it was. If you want a friend to sleep with, why don’t you crawl over to Suguru. I’m sure he’d be happy to please you."

The second the words leave his lips he instantly regrets them. His eyes widen slightly as he realizes the weight of his hurtful words, the stoic front he was maintaining crumbles as he watches a teardrop trickle down your smooth cheek, its salty wetness carving a path of sorrow. He knew that he took it too far. He was trying to push you away, to protect you from himself, protect you from his true feelings.

He closes his eyes for a brief moment, his jaw clenching as he tries to keep his own emotions in check. He hates himself for making you feel this way… but his own fears, his own insecurities, have gotten the better of him. When he opens his eyes again, he looks at you apologetically.

"I... I didn’t..." he attempts to backtrack. But before he can find the right words to say, the sound of your choked, heartbroken gasp makes him freeze.

“You have some real nerve, Gojo.” He can see the hurt, anger, and frustration in your expression, the tears were really coming out now. You felt shattered, feeling as if last night meant nothing to him – as if you meant nothing to him.

You turn your back to him as you shift towards the door, and angling your head to the side, you speak your final peace before ultimately taking your leave. “You know what? At least Suguru is vulnerable with me about his feelings. I’m done. If you won’t even listen to what I have to say, what’s the point. Guess I’ll save my breath.”

The sound of your trembling voice pierces through his chest like a knife, pained and frustrated. He clenches his jaw, fighting back his own emotions and the growing guilt that threatens to overwhelm him.

As he watches you leave, the door swings shut behind you. He’s left alone with the silence of his office suffocating him. Every fiber of him screams to go to you, to apologize, to explain himself, but he simply can’t move and the words he wants to say feel stuck in his throat.

“Damn it,” he mutters under his breath. He rests his arms on his desk and buries his face into his hands, his mind replaying the scene over and over again. He knows he’s royally fucked up – the damage is done.

∘₊✧

The sound of your footsteps echo in the campus hallways as you wipe the streaming tears off your face. Oh god, please don’t let anyone see you like this right now. You really can’t bear it. Right now, all you want is to just crawl into bed and cry. Your best friend’s words are ringing in your mind, each retelling making the tears fall harder. You felt so stupid. So embarrassed.

You push through what feels like a never-ending hallway until finally, stepping outside, you are met with Suguru leaned up against the rail of the stairway, waiting for you. He looks relaxed as always, eyes peering out through the Jujutsu campus, a cigarette between his fingers, the smoke gently curling in the air around him.

When he looks up, the sight of your tear-stained face makes him straighten up immediately. Your expression is one of raw emotional pain. Without a second thought, he quickly stubs out his cigarette and pushes himself off the railing, walking directly towards you, his voice laced with worry.

“Hey,” he says gently. “Are you alright? What happened?”

You don’t know what else to do, desperate for comfort, you run into Suguru’s arms, tears streaming down your face as you sob into his shirt. As you collapse into his arms, the force of your body against him is almost enough to knock him off balance, but he steadies himself, wrapping his arms around you as he holds you tightly against his chest. He's silent for a moment, just letting you cry, his hand gently rubbing soothing circles on your back.

After some time, he speaks, his voice gentle and filled with concern. "Y/n... what happened?"

You exhale sharply, your breath quivering as it escapes your mouth. Sniffling, you dry your eyes and shake your head. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. Please.. can we just go?”

Suguru looks down at you, his heart clenching at the sight of your broken expression. He nods silently, his hand still rubbing gentle circles on your back. "Yeah," he replies softly. "Let's get out of here."

He gently releases you from his embrace, keeping one arm wrapped around your shoulders as he guides you away from Jujutsu High.

∘₊✧

The car ride with Suguru is quiet. For your planned talk tonight, he had arranged for reservations at a charming little restaurant in a peaceful village. He briefly mentioned how he recently discovered it on an assignment he was sent on. Truth be told, you feel a bit guilty, him doing all this. After all, he went through all this trouble, and it appears that he’s willing to put his best effort forward to have a real, mature conversation with you about how he tried to kiss you last night. Suguru means so much to you, but as much as you hate to admit it, you simply can’t reciprocate his feelings, and you know that tonight will likely lead to some sort of heartache. You’ve been dreading this conversation; likely due to fear you’ve been bottling up – part of you hopes that your friendship doesn’t falter because of this. You’ve already lost one best friend today… frankly you don’t think you can handle losing another.

Suguru steals glances at you every so often as he drives through the village. He can sense your quiet demeanor and the lingering traces of sadness in your face. It’s clear that you’re still upset about something, but he doesn’t dare to pry, allowing you to have some space to collect your thoughts.

When he pulls up in front of the restaurant, he turns off the ignition and looks at you. "We’re here," he says softly, his voice gentle and tinged with concern.

As you enter the restaurant, the quaint atmosphere immediately begins to soothe your weary soul. The gentle music playing, the soft hue, and the smell of delicious food wafting through the air work together to create a warm and comforting environment.

Suguru leads you to a cozy booth in a somewhat secluded corner of the restaurant and slides in opposite of you.

His eyes study you silently. He watches as your gaze roams around the room, taking in the ambiance of the restaurant, before finally you focus on him. “The food here is pretty good,” he comments, attempting to break the ice between you. “I hope you like it.”

“Mmm,” you hum, nodding. “It smells amazing. I’m really hungry. I barely ate this morning. My stomach was turning all day from last night.”

Suguru winces slightly as memories of last night resurface in his mind. "Yeah… about last night," his voice tentative. "We should probably talk about that."

“Right,” you lock eyes with him as let out a sigh. Might as well get straight to it. “Would you like to go first?”

"Alright…look," he begins, scrubbing a hand over his jaw. "I know things got a little out of hand last night. Firstly, I want to apologize for that. I didn’t mean to cross any boundaries with you…" he pauses momentarily, looking down at the table, taking a moment to steady himself before he looks back up at you.

"And secondly. I... I need to be honest with you. I love you. Like, romantically. I think you're beautiful, smart, kind. And honestly...I'm tired of hiding it. I’ve felt this way for a long time. And last night, it just felt like the right moment to tell you...to show you."

“I see…” you say, the weight of his confession is heavy. You can’t help but feel terrible. Here he was, taking accountability for his actions and being completely open with you... but you can’t lie to him about your feelings. And you didn’t want to string him along, it wouldn’t be right.

“Suguru, you’ve been one of my closest friends for a long time. I do love you, just not in the same way I think you feel about me… I’m sorry. I hope you understand.”

Suguru’s expression softens as he listens to your words, a mixture of acceptance and disappointment washing over him.

"Yeah... I kind of thought that might be your answer, " he admits, his voice soft. "I just..." he pauses, running a hand through his hair, "I guess I needed to tell you, to try and see if maybe..."

He trails off, unable to finish the sentence. The silent 'maybe you would feel the same' hangs between you two.

You reach for his hand across the table and look into his eyes. “I appreciate you telling me… and apology accepted. Sometimes people can get carried away when they’re drunk… call it, the heat of the moment,” you give him a soft smile. The words you speak pull at your heart a bit, as they are not only directed to him… but to yourself and your own actions.

"Yeah..." he responds quietly. "Heat of the moment." He laces his fingers through yours, giving your hand a gentle squeeze before letting go.

The waiter interrupts as he approaches you both, asking if you are ready to order. Both Suguru and you attempt to shake off the lingering awkward atmosphere.

After the waiter leaves, Suguru looks back up at you suddenly with concern, his gaze searching your features. "But...does this change things? Does it change our friendship?"

“That’s the question I should be asking you. I’m okay with putting this behind us but you need to consider if you’re comfortable being around me Suguru… I’d really hate to cause you more heartache.”

He regards you for a moment, a soft smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Hey," he says gently, "You know me. I'm not one to let heartbreak keep me down."

There's a pause as he gathers his thoughts, his expression growing more serious. "As for being around you...I’d rather that not change. You're one of my best friends. I think we've been through too much together to let something like this come between us."

“You’re right,” you smile. “Our friendship can get us through this. Nothing will get between it.”

The waiter brings your food and you both dive into your plates eagerly. The atmosphere between you two slowly starts to feel more comfortable as you enjoy your meals, the food helping to lift your spirits. Suguru can see the color slowly returning to your face as you eat, the tension in your shoulders slowly relaxing. He glances at you every so often, studying your expression, and he can't help but notice the slight dark circles under your eyes, a clear sign of the stress and lack of sleep you've been experiencing lately.

“You’ve been looking pretty tired as of late,” he notes. “How was work today?”

You exhale, where to begin? While you’d like to confide in Suguru about Satoru, you want to be considerate of his feelings. You know you’ll have to tell him eventually, but that conversation would likely sting too much right now, so maybe it’s best to leave Satoru out for the time being.

“This pain in the ass hangover didn’t do me any favors,” you chuckle. “I’m a real idiot for taking you up on that drinking challenge.”

Suguru’s lips curl into a grin and he snickers, “Hey, I tried to warn you. When will you learn your lesson?”

“I know, I know. I’m just lucky that Nanami was assigned as my mission partner today, or I likely wouldn’t be sitting here with you. You should’ve seen the nasty curse that almost got me.”

The sound of his cutlery suddenly becomes quiet, you feel the atmosphere change instantly. You look up to see his face, hauntingly zoned out, a burning rage simmering under him. His usual calm expression hardens, his knuckles turning white as he grips his fork tightly.

"What... what do you mean a curse almost got you?" he finally asks, his voice strained as his words carry an eerie bite.

“It’s nothing really,” you say nonchalantly, a failed attempt to play it off.

"Right," he says sarcastically, a bitter edge to his voice. "It's nothing to worry about. Just another near-death experience. Just another day of risking our lives for people who don't even appreciate it. Just another day of putting ourselves on the line for those who would never do the same for us."

You halt the movement of your fork, frozen momentarily as you’re caught off guard from his sudden shift in attitude. “Suguru, it’s okay. Nanami saved me—”

“And what if Nanami wasn’t there,” he cuts you off, slamming his hands on the table, his volume rising. “It’s not fair that we have to risk ourselves for these damn non-sorcerers … these monkeys.”

There is a loud silence between you as his furrowed stare pierces into you. You’re left speechless, unsure what to say to him. He grips your hand and the violet hue in his iris’ appear to be void of everything. You don’t even recognize him.  

"They don't understand the sacrifices we make y/n," his words cold. "Yet we're the ones who bear the burden. We're the ones who have to risk our lives everyday just to keep them safe, and for what?”

You begin to feel a bit nervous as people’s wandering eyes peer to the scene unfolding amongst you both – murmurs echo throughout the restaurant. Suddenly, your waiter walks over, gripping his notepad under a tense grip in support. “Is everything oka—”

Before the waiter finishes his sentence, you watch blood splatter across Suguru’s cheek. You blink – did your eyes deceive you? Suguru just killed an innocent civilian. The waiter, who moments ago was speaking to you both, now lays motionless on the ground, blood pooling around his lifeless body. There is no denying it… right?

The once peaceful restaurant erupts into chaos, horrified gasps and screams filling the air as all eyes turn to look at Suguru, who remains perfectly calm. Civilians around you are running in panic as they try to get away from the scene of the crime.

Suguru simply sits there, his expression blank. There is no remorse in his eyes – only a cold emptiness. He raises a hand, wiping the blood from his cheek with his thumb, before finally speaking. "That was annoying... I despise monkeys."

Suguru's swift and violent act shocks you to the core, causing your heart to race with fear and disbelief. “Suguru…” you manage to finally mutter, your voice catching in your throat from fright.

He looks at you, his expression still hauntingly neutral, as if all he simply did was swat a fly away. "Yeah? What is it?"

“What… what did you just do?” you ask slowly, your voice quivering in fear.

Suguru regards you for a moment, his gaze calculating as he takes in your trembling voice and fearful expression. "I merely got rid of an annoyance," he replies coolly, his voice emotionless. "A mosquito that wouldn't leave me alone. Nothing more."

Reaching for his napkin, he dabs it against his cheek with a look of disgust as he cleans off the lingering remnants of blood left from the waiter. Was this the same person you were casually talking to moments ago? The same person who held you in his arms while you cried? No. Who is this person? Every fiber of your being is telling you to run, but you cannot move, frozen in fear.

“You know y/n. My last mission got me thinking.” He casually leans back in his seat, crossing his arms as he looks at you. “Wouldn’t it be better to live in a world of just sorcerers? If these monkeys didn’t exist, curses wouldn’t be born. We could finally be free.”

You watch him intently as he begins to lift himself from his seat. A fierce cursed spirit begins to manifest behind him whilst emitting blue flames. The blaze dances around him, a sinister aura. “I bet we could make this dream a reality. You... me and Satoru.”

The air around you feels tense and thick with the shock of Suguru's statement. His words hang there ominously, the coldness in his voice sending a shiver down your spine.

"That's a dangerous thing to say, Suguru," you whisper, your voice barely audible. "A very dangerous thing..."

"Imagine it," he continues, approaching closer to you. "A world where we are the only ones to walk amongst the living. No more weak, worthless monkeys to hold us back. Just the strong. Just us."

"And Satoru?... You think he would agree with you?" you rasp as Suguru stops in front of you, his gaze never leaving your face as he answers your question.

"Satoru..." he muses, a small smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. "He'll understand. It may take a bit of convincing, but he'll listen. He always does. He’s the most important piece – we need the strongest."

He reaches out, his hand gently caressing your cheek, his touch almost tender compared to his cold words. “He’ll come. Especially if you join. After all, he’s always been unable to say no to you.”

Your eyes expand as the realization hits you. Was Suguru using you as a tool? Your stomach spins. You’re not sure what to believe anymore – was his confession even real? What happened to this man standing in front of you, the man you once considered to be one of your dearest friends.

“Suguru…” you say, tears welling in your eyes. “You can’t do this.”

“Now y/n, don’t say that,” he muses, his voice eerily tantalizing. “After all, you’re my best friend. What was it you said earlier? Our friendship can get through this. Nothing will get between it.”

There's a hint of mockery in Suguru's tone as he repeats your words back to you. It's almost as if he's taunting you. He leans in closer, his hand moving from your cheek to your chin, tilting your face up to look at him more fully. His expression is cold and calculating, like a predator sizing up his prey.

"See? You said it yourself. Our friendship is unbreakable. That means you'll stand by me, no matter what. That means you'll listen, when I tell you something, right?"

You swallow hard and speak slowly, aware that the next words you utter will ultimately decide your fate. “I can’t, Suguru.”

“Can't?" Suguru repeats, his voice dropping to a cold whisper. He leans in closer, his eyes narrowing as he looks at you. "You can't? Or you won't?"

Your eyes flutter shut as you feel his breath dance on your face. You open them and stare deeply into the eyes you once thought were warm and filled with love. “I won’t kill innocent people Suguru.”

Suguru's face suddenly twists into a scowl, his voice is dangerously soft. “After everything we’ve been through, after I’ve trusted you with my deepest secrets, my most intimate thoughts...and you still say no?” His hand drops from your face as he takes a step back. The coldness in his gaze becomes more intense as his eyes narrow. “It’s a shame really. I always cared for you. How…disappointing.”

Chaos erupts as the cursed spirit behind Suguru lets out a screeching roar. The blue flame expands, engulfing the village, casting a hell-bent inferno over everything. The air is thick with smoke and the acrid stench of burning wood. Screams and cries echo in the air as people run in panic – they search for any salvation as they desperately attempt to flee the hungry flames devouring them.

You are locked in a vicious battle with Suguru, your bodies moving like blurs amidst the carnage and destruction around you. The once peaceful village becomes decimated before you. Buildings are reduced to nothing more than smoldering ruins, the putrid stench of death.

Suguru shows no mercy, his strength and power overwhelming. But despite his ruthless force, he intentionally chooses to leave you alive, though badly beaten and injured. As the smoke and flames of the battle clear, you find yourself lying on the ground, barely conscious. You open your eyes to see Suguru standing over you, his expression cold and void.

"I truly wish it hadn't come to this," he mutters to himself. “If you change your mind… come find me.”

Your vision begins to falter, and you can barely make out the figure walking away from you, but you know without a doubt it’s Suguru. He leaves you there, alone and helpless.

Fumbling for your phone with what little strength you have left, you try multiple times to unlock it, hitting the incorrect digits over and over again while desperately trying to remain conscious. You finally get past your home screen, and you click through your contacts. There is only one person who comes to your mind – one person for you to reach out to. As you tap Satoru’s name, you use every last bit of energy you have to send him your current location – nothing else.

The world around you goes dark, and you slip into unconsciousness.

✧ thanks for reading! part two will have fluff :') read part two here.

taglist: @haychhans @mysticnozel @luvrsbian @xxxxwhatsername @imonhereforareasonsadly @kalulakunundrum @ch3rryistheg @skyahri @genshingeeksworld @seilahtitania32 @strychnynegirl @kazbrkker @moneyy-21 @tifa1991

[hcuyk]

helloo i just read our inferno and i love it!! i just saw your # saying nobody said anything about it and that you weren't sure if anyone has read it so im here to assure you that it's been read and loved🫡🫡 i wasnt expecting it to go the way it did when i first started reading it (dont wanna spoil it for those who havent read it but shite got intense after the car scene, i was expecting romance i guess) but nevertheless i loved how things ended up there!

i'm new to the concept tho, you said something about this being haechan's version so it will be haechan's version for all other chapters (idk how many it'll have) right? also super excited for the next one <3

HI ANON OMG :( was not expecting this AT ALL and i cant tell you how much i appreciate you reaching out!! and im so glad it was a turn of event even with the warnings and whatnot stated LMAO BUT IM SO GLAD YOU LOVED IT :(((

so basically, this work was meant for hyunjae, so he's the original muse! i replaced all the names in his version to make a haechan/nct dream based version so my work reaches a bigger audience!! all chapters for haechan will be released a week after i drop hyunjae's chapter, so they're both basically being updated at the same pace!

its such a large series that im assuming we'll potentially hit 100k words total since the first chapter was almost 20k and im not even halfway into the first section of the entire plot (and there's 6 total sections...), but yes haechan will have the full story!! if i discontinue haechan's version, its bc i gave up on the original bc its such a big project 💀 i am very passionate about it though and to have people like you who reach out and show their appreciation is what really keeps me going, so thank you so much for doing this again :(

if you thought the first chapter was a wild ride, i can Confirm that the second chapter is just as insane, perhaps even worse?! im excited to write it and have yall experience it :(( this is a completely new kind of genre, writing style, and everything else for me so i hold this series so close to my heart AAAA it makes me so happy to see this i hope you can see how passionate i am about inferno 😭 thank you so much for supporting and i hope you stay around 🫶 and my inbox is always open! i need more dreamzen moots I SWEAR i get so sad knowing i have almost zero to none :(

thank you again! stuff like these always motivate so many writers to stay on this hellhole of a platform, and i really really appreciate you reaching out and taking some time to send me this :(( biggest hugs!!

[jamesniall]

Hey I’m not the anon that u talked about but I follow u on twitter and wanna let u know that don’t worry!!!! That happened to me a few days ago too djdnxjsn. Are you posting today?

ahhh HI OMG thank u for understanding :’)

IT WAS SO FRUSTRATING bc i got it all written but there’s lil things to edit and words to change a bit but it was basically done and then the power went out and refused to come back for 7 hours :/

as soon as it came back i got to it but im sleeeeepy and i have a family thing tomorrow morning (basically today wow it’s 4 am) so i can’t post it until the afternoon :( BUT YES TODAY IT’LL BE POSTED FINALLY. NOTHING WILL STOP ME FROM POSTING IT TODAY.

if u want, and for the other super patient and lovely anon as well, here’s a lil preview of it; the first out of the 5 + 1 things of this fic!

(as i said, it still needs to be proof read again so if u find mistakes pls pretend u didnt, im gonna get to them tomorrow sdkfhds but yeah there u have 1,5k of this monster of a fic that took over 2 months of my life lmao what started as a lil hurt/comfort fic ended up in a 18k monster of developing relationship hurt/comfort and angst with a cHEESY ending wow)

Having the night shift at the E.R onFriday nights it’s always a chore. Harry always tries his best to change itwith one of his colleagues, even if he has to take Monday’s morning shift whereeveryone comes with the silliest symptoms to get some excuse to get out oftheir jobs for a couple days.

This time, however, Liam has a familything he can’t get out of and Harry has to cover the night shift.

It goes as he expected it.

Drunk college students with alcoholpoisoning are the most common gig of the night, followed by guys withconcussions and broken noses that can only be attributed to bar fights.

It’s around 10 pm when he’s making a roundthrough the new arrivals when he sees a guy sitting in the waiting room withwhat seems to be a scarf wrapped around his left arm and a guitar tightlyclutched in his right hand.

He looks downright miserable. Soaked tothe bone – though Harry doesn’t recall it raining when he started his shift –hair plastered to his forehead and a bruise in his right cheek that he can tellit’s gonna swell and hurt as fuck tomorrow morning.

He takes a look around the room andfigures he’s the most interesting case he can get out of the night.

“Hello there, I’m Doctor Styles. Did thenurse give you the triage paper?” He asks, looking down at the brown hairedguy, who startles at his voice.

“Oh, hi, yes, uh,” he searches around hispockets for a bit, hissing when he disturbs his homemade bandage, Harry doesn’tknow if he’s hiding a broken, burnt or cut arm, but he’s sure the scarf it’snot wrapped up properly for none of those situations.

He finally finds a yellow crumbled uppaper in the pocket of his jeans, “thought the red papers got attention first.”He says, looking up to Harry and handing him the paper.

“Yeah, Friday nights are usually full ofyellow ones, though.” Harry says, scanning the paper quickly and seeing Niall J. Horan, 25 year old male, reportedbar fight, probable broken wrist, no signs of concussion, vitals on order, pain8/10. “How’s your pain right now?”

“Out of ten? It’s been simmering between 8and 9 for the last hour,” Niall replies with a shrug. “Nurse told me x-rayswere necessary but that I’d have to leave my guitar outside,” he continues, “Irefused, because have you seen the people around this place? They’re all drunk.No way I’m leaving it out here only to find it broken, so if you can tell mewhat to do or what to take for the pain I’d appreciate it so I can go home.”

“You could have a broken wrist, judging bythe pain I’m pretty sure that’s the case, isn’t getting the x-ray moreimportant than a guitar?” Harry asks, an amused smile making his way through asNiall splutters and shakes his head.

“’Course it’s more important, she’s one ofa kind. Actually my arm might be broken because I fell out of the stage toprotect her.” He states. A stubborn frown taking over his face.

“Alright,” Harry nods, “You can leave itin my office while we do x-rays and get you proper treatment. That way both ofyou will be safe.”

“Really?” Niall asks, “Hey, thank youmate! I hope it’s not a bother.”

“None at all, just follow me and we’ll getit done quick enough.”

-

Half an hour later Niall’s sitting in astretcher as Harry wraps up his broken wrist properly. His guitar restingbeside him. “I cannot help but ask, what did you mean you fell out of a stageto save your guitar?”

“Oh,” he laughs, “well, you see, I play inthis bar on Friday nights, to help a bit with the bills, you know? Being ajust-graduated-nutritionist doesn’t give you much, so I was there, justchilling, getting ready to finish the set, when a bunch of assholes startedfighting, throwing punches and chairs and tables went flying. My guitar was inthe direct line of fire.” He says, pausing a bit to swallow harshly as Harrymoves his arm to check the blood flow is alright and the bandages are justtight enough. “So I try to yell at ‘em to be careful but just as I was about toreach the guitar and leave a guy was pushed over, I can only guess he was deaddrunk, because he didn’t even try to slow down the fall, and I could only seehis ass was for sure gonna land on my guitar, so I jumped head first to grab itand he fell on me, I fell on the corner of the stage, thus the bruising.”

“Is that why you told the nurse the reasonof all this was a bar fight?”

“Well, technically it all started with abar fight, but as I was about to explain it all she just went and rolled hiseyes and gave me a yellow paper.” Niall says, a sour look on his face, “realrude of her, you know.”

“Yeah, you’ll have to forgive her,” Harrysays with a small smile, “we don’t get much of anything other than bar fightson Friday nights.” He continues, handing Niall a sheet of paper with hisprescribed pain medication.

“Do I have to come for you to take a lookat it again? Like, remove the bandage or something?” Niall asks, looking a bitforlornly at the piece of paper.

“Oh, yeah but not here, exactly. You cancall this number,” he says, handing Niall a small card that just says Liam Payne and two phone numbers. “He’sthe best orthopedist you’ll ever find in this hospital. He’ll do an x-ray,check everything’s alright and in about 4 weeks you’ll be bandages free.” Hefinishes, smiling despite the fact that Niall looks kind of sad. Disappointedeven. “He really is the best, you’ve got nothing to be scared of, he’ll takegood care of you.”

“Not as good as you,” Niall mutters underhis breath as Harry turns his back on him to open the curtain that wasseparating them from the rest of the E.R.

“What was that?” Harry asks.

“Oh, nothing, just. Thinking out loudabout whether I should try to find a bus or just walk home.”

“I can call you a cab if you’d like.”Harry offers. Helping Niall gather his guitar, papers and card without losinganything.

“No, that’s alright. I left my jacket atthe bar so I have no change with me, just my very loyal Oyster card and twowell-functioning legs.”

“It’s really late, Niall, really. I canlend you some, it’s no trouble.” Harry says, searching in his pockets for hiswallet, “I’d be no good of me as a doctor if I fix you up only to let you walkhome at two in the morning. Cab is the safest option.”

“Also the most expensive,” Niall remarks,“we’re in an alright neighborhood and I live like half an hour from here, it’llbe alright.” Then, with a bit more of spark in his eyes, he says; “If you wantyou can give me your number and I can text you as soon as I get home.”

Harry seemed too busy looking into hiswallet to notice, though, “Here, just a couple of bucks. Just in case youdecide your house’s too far and you’re too tired or cold to keep walking.” Hesays, handing Niall a couple of folded bills. “Or in case you have nothing inyour Oyster card. Can’t never be too safe.”

He’s just finished talking when a beepcomes from his pocket. Eyes opening wide when he sees a red alert from hispager.

“Well, look at that. You can have a couplered cases on Friday nights too.” Harry says, shaking his head, “Have a niceevening. Don’t forget to pick up your meds tomorrow morning. What I just gaveyou we’ll be enough for the night but it might get really achey if you movearound a lot.” Harry says, walking fast towards the nurses’ station. “No guitarplaying, for at least a week, let you hand heal nicely. If there’s moreswelling, your fingers get really cold, dark or you can’t feel them or there’sany fever at all, please come back to the E.R immediately.” Harry says in arush as he checks the new triage papers. “Any questions?”

“Thank you.” Says Niall. “Really, you werethe nicest doctor I’ve ever met and I promise when I come back for that check-upI’ll hunt you down and pay you back.”

“No need,” Harry replies with a smile,“I’ve got to run. Have a safe trip home!”

And with that he leaves, back towards theentrance of the E.R where an ambulance is pulling in someone in a really bloodystretcher.

With a shudder, Niall turns to leave, notbefore looking back at Harry for the last time and saying to himself, “nexttime I’ll get his number.”

[lookforanewangle]

#wipwednesday time!! dean's seven here, sam is three, and this is the aftermath of john using dean as bait for the first time :))

once again, this fic is a retelling of the weechesters upbringing w cas thrown in to spice things up (and eventual deancas endgame, and yes this is going to be a series oops), based on @leviathancas 's post (x). all content related to this fic will be tagged #hci verse !

live text under the cut:

By the time Dad and Dean get back to the motel, Dean still hasn’t been able to stop shaking. He’s doing his best to tamp it down, to not let Dad or Sammy see the fear still clinging to him, but no matter what he does it just won’t stop.

Dad immediately sits down at the motel desk and starts in on his journal, just like he does after every hunt. Dean can’t do more than slip into his pyjamas and crawl into bed, pushing himself back against the headboard to have something solid at his back while he scans the room nervously.

Everything is fine, he tells himself, you’re fine and Sammy’s fine and Dad is fine. Stop being a baby. You’re fine.

He’s still trembling when Sam clambers into bed after him, giving him one look before crawling into his lap determinedly. Dean just watches it happen, detached, as Sam wiggles down and gets comfy, leaning back against Dean’s chest. Once settled, he grabs Dean’s arms and wraps them snugly around himself. He nods then, and pats Dean’s arm in comfort.

“Okay, Dee,” Sammy says, tipping his head back against Dean’s chest to look up at him. Dean blinks back, panic edging from his chest as his breaths come a little steadier. “Okay?"

Dean’s arms tighten around him and he buries his face in Sammy’s hair, sucking in a deep breath.

“Yeah, m’okay, Sammy,” he mutters. Sam nods underneath him, and taps out a little beat on Dean’s arms, humming like Dean still does sometimes to get Sammy to sleep. Tears prickle in Dean’s eyes and he holds on tighter, and Sammy just sits there and lets him.

Eventually, Dean slides down beneath the covers, Sammy still snug in his arms. Sammy nuzzles close with a yawn, and tucks his head under Dean’s chin.

“Night-night, Dee,” Sammy whispers.

“Night, Sammy,” Dean whispers back, and he holds him, safe in his arms, as they drift off to sleep.

[littlemisslipbalm]

“Similar Tastes”

An enemies to lovers classic. You and Harry are too similar for you to ever get along...maybe

Hi hi! This is for @majorharry’s 20k celebration writing !!! Hope you all enjoy, I always love to hear from you :)))

The prompts I used: “How about you get off my dick” and “Sorry, I didn’t know”

This gif bc Harry “oh god that’s TEQUILA” Styles is king

Fluff? Smut? But definitely angst? Idk how to describe it bahaha a little bit of everything

Word Count: 4.0k | Warnings: language (there are actually two slurs in this - they’re bisexual slurs and they’re said by the bad guy so just take that into consideration), mature content (not quite smut but y’know), alcohol consumption, girl kissing girl at one point

Pt. 2 is up!

-

Saturday night. It was finally time to go out with your group of friends and you couldn’t be happier. Well, you could, but what would make you that happy wasn’t possible. If one of the people in your friend group wasn’t there. That would make you the happiest.

Almost everyone has that one person in your friend group who you can’t stand. Like, at first you don’t really know them and then as you get to know them more you just can’t stand them.

For you that was Harry.

While neither of you would admit why you hated each other, it was obviously about how everyone would always compare the two of you. You had practically identical personalities, and had similar fashion taste. At first, everyone else thought you would end up together because it seemed like you were perfectly matched. But the first time someone said, “Oh, Harry, your jacket looks just like the one Y/N wore last week.” Both of you had seethed in complete dissatisfaction. 

Naturally, Harry took his jacket off early in that evening and you never wore yours again. You hated being compared to Harry, being told he had made a similar joke or said the same thing about something made you want to reevaluate your entire value system. Maybe it was because you both had such an individualistic mindset, but neither of you enjoyed being compared to anyone and that’s what made it all the worse when people chose to compare you to each other. It boiled down to both of you wanting to be the best at everything - the most unique, rather - that made you dislike the other so much.

So, tonight at the bar, as your group rattled in from the street, you stuck close to your pals at the front while Harry was chatting with someone near the back of the pack. Your eyes had met briefly when you’d seen each other’s outfits. Harry’s a half unbuttoned Gucci cream dress shirt, that was rolled to his elbows, tucked into high waisted navy trousers finished with cream boots and yours a navy bra top with a faux collar and a deep cut to show your cleavage paired with cream high waisted pleated pants and navy loafers. Not exactly the same, but if you had stood next to one another it would have looked planned. You rolled your eyes at him as he narrowed his towards you. You couldn’t wait to order a few drinks and let loose after a hard week at work.

As you all approached a booth, somehow the group shifted and Harry and you were suddenly side by side as everyone was getting in the booth. Then, you were sitting and Harry was right beside you. He tried to cover his groan of annoyance when he realized he’d have to be sitting next to you, once again regarding your outfit with disdain. Your only response was glaring at him. The friend who you had been talking to, Marie, placed her hand over your ring-clad one, that was now gripping the side of the table out of annoyance. “Play nice,” she said. You relaxed at her touch trying to refocus on the purpose of the night, fun.

Soon, a waitress made it to your table and smiled sweetly at all your bright faces. Harry and you were located to her left, and her eyes reached you last.

“Oh! You two are too cute! I love when couples coordinate their outfits!”

Harry’s eyes bulged out of his head and you gave a tight-lipped smile as you tried to keep yourself from having a blood vessel pop in your eye right then.

“We’re not” you began, Harry cut you off, “together, love.”

His expression changed as he smirked up at the waitress, trying to make it clear that he was very much single.

“Oh! My apologies...So what can I get everyone?”

As she began to take the orders, you shoved your elbow into Harry’s rib. You did it for two reasons, for him cutting you off when you were talking and for being so on top of you in the booth.

He turned to you, “The fuck was that for?”

“For being an asshole.”

“Excuse me?”

As you’re about to go off on him about being rude, Marie taps your hand and you realize it's your turn to order.

You clear your throat, trying to shake off your angry tone, “Tequila on the rocks, please.”

The waitress nods and then turns to smile at Harry, he gives you side eyes of disdain, “What’s your most expensive tequila?”

Her smile grew, “We’ve got Don Julio Real and Gran Patron for top shelf.”

“Don Julio on the rocks, please.” He winked.

She nods, scribbling something on her notepad, “Oh! Would you like Don Julio as well?” she returns to you.

You shook your head, “No. Jose Cuervo works just fine,” and glared at Harry once more.

Of course he would ask for top shelf, you thought. Harry couldn't have gotten through saying the exact same order as you, especially after the waitress had already pointed out the similarity in your clothes.

“You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?”

Being in such close proximity to Harry made you incapable of leaving the bickering alone. Everyone else always ignored when the two of you really got into it, because it honestly wasn’t that interesting. Like an old married couple, though none of them would ever dare say it.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Y/N?”

You scoffed as he turned in his seat to look at you. “Oh, please, you just couldn’t handle ordering the same thing as me. You had to flex that you could order Don Julio!”

“You’re just upset because you can’t.”

“Come off it! I could, but I don’t feel the need to boost my ego by showing off to the waitress that I can afford the expensive stuff.” You laughed at his attempt at snubbing you about what you can and can’t afford.

His eyes darkened and flashed at you and you could see it even in the dim lighting off the bar. “I wasn’t trying to show off, it’s not my fault you don’t care to drink the good stuff.”

“Okay, Harry,” you say sarcastically, waving him off.

He huffed, annoyed that you were the only person he was sitting next to. He had to call across the table if he wanted to speak to anyone that wouldn’t involve you being completely in the way. As he was about to call out to Mitch who was directly across from him, the waitress returned with everyone’s drinks.

“Jose Cuervo on the rocks! And Don Julio on the rocks!” She beamed at the group after finishing handing them out.

Everyone thanked her and she disappeared. You and Harry simultaneously took sips of your drinks.

You wrinkled your nose, “This isn’t Jose Cuervo…”

Harry placed his drink on his coaster and swallowed, licking his lips he said, “I think mine is, tastes cheap.”

“You’re really an ass,” you say as you shove your misgiven drink to him and snatch his from the table instead.

Harry growing tired of your arguing already, “Whatever you say, sweetheart,” he rolled his eyes and took a larger sip of the correct drink.

You take a sip of your own drink and sigh again, “This isn’t even tequila, what the fuck?”

“Ah, no wonder it tasted like shit. What do you think it is?”

“Well, considering there’s only, like, a handful of clear hard liquors besides silver tequila, probably vodka, idiot,” you breathed the last word under your breath, still Harry stared at you with daggers in his eyes. You weren’t actually sure how many other liquors it could be, but you were so pissed off by the whole situation you just wanted to make him shut up.

“Well that’s a bummer, kid. Maybe next time, order a better tequila and she’ll get it right.”

You shoved him, not wanting to wait for the waitress to come back to fix her mistake, “How about you get off my dick and then I can go get something worth drinking?”

Harry huffed as he slowly moved his body up from his seat, yet he stayed so close to the opening of the booth you were practically chest to chest when you slipped out. Due to that, and maybe a little bit on purpose, you knocked your drink forward to get a small amount on him. Not enough for him to be drenched, but enough to bug him for the rest of the night.

“Oops?” you tilted your head and held a sickeningly sweet smile on your face as you looked at his taken aback look. His prominent jaw had dropped as the cold liquid had pooled over his left breast pocket, some of his tattoos now much more visible. You quickly turned on your heel and bounced off to the bar. Harry grumbled and sat back down, Marie leaned over with a napkin, trying to dry him off a bit.

With a fresh drink in hand you weaved back to the table, all your friends were laughing together at something Harry had seemingly said. When you arrived everyone beamed up at you, far more jovial after a few sips of their drinks. Only Harry’s face was sour, but you chose to ignore it and smile at your friends, waiting for Harry to get up to let you into your seat that he had occupied in your absence. When he didn’t, your face began to fall from its smile.

“Are you going to get up?”

“No, just take that seat,” he waves his hand beside him, trying to go back to the conversation he was engaging in before you had arrived.

“But, you’re in my seat,” you pushed.

“You’re the one who decided to get up and leave it.”

“You cannot be serious, Harry.”

“As a heart attack,” he said flatly, and then turned his head to Sarah who was next to Marie.

You looked around the table for help, Mitch gave a slight sad smile like he felt bad, but everyone knew there was no changing Harry’s mind. You knew you didn’t have the strength to yank his large, muscled body out of the booth, so you resigned and took his old seat. There, you kicked Harry’s leg harshly and took a long sip of your alcohol, just wanting to get drunk enough to want to dance and then not be near Harry.

After a second round of drinks, this time the waitress getting your order right, you were feeling better. Harry and you were largely ignoring each other and laughing along with the rest of your friends to some story. Every so often his leg would open up and bump into yours and you’d hit back at it harder, his eyes sliding to your face for a moment and then looking away. He made you so hot with anger and the closeness of bodies in that bar already had the temperature way too high. You gulped at your drink, trying to cool down, but it only had the opposite effect, the alcohol mixing with your blood, heating up your insides, as well.

Then, once the third round of drinks were served, Marie suggested it was time to dance, commenting that some random song that was currently playing was ‘her favorite’. It wasn’t, but whenever she got drunk, every song was ‘her favorite’. However, you were all happy to oblige, feeling restless as the alcohol was buzzing in your systems.

Out on the dance floor, some of the couples in your friend group paired off to dance on each other while the rest of you spread out. You spotted a woman in the crowd wearing a sequin dress that looked absolutely gorgeous on her, her blonde hair reminding you of some rocker chick in the 70’s. While making your way towards her, Harry tried to get in front of you, obviously making his way to her as well.

Another thing Harry and you had in common, the people you typically went for - men and women. Shaking him off with a hand on his chest and a glare, you reached her first and she smiled at you as you complimented her outfit and began to dance with her. Harry resigned to staying with some of your other friend’s when he saw how the woman threw her head back at something you said to her. Soon, she was grinding herself against your front, your lips attached to her neck, hands on her hips.

Feeling particularly happy with yourself, your gaze flitted around the crowded dance floor. Eyes scanning those around you, you soon made eye contact with Harry, who actually wasn’t that far off. His eyes looked a more dull green in the light and he rolled them when he saw you looking up from your place against the beautiful woman. While he still looked on at your languid figures pressed together, you teased your tongue up her neck a bit, causing the woman to keen into your touch. As Harry was about to look away, shaking his head at your antics, he caught sight of a guy approaching you and the other woman.

He said something to the pair of you, but you couldn’t hear him. The woman had opened her eyes to look at the guy and you had removed your lips from her, shaking your head that you didn’t catch what he said.

He repeated himself, yelling this time, “Fauxbians out here trying to catch a real man! How ‘bout we make you total lugs!”

He was loud enough for your friends to hear, including Harry who had been watching the whole scene play out. He pushed through the crowd to get to your side, he might not like you, but he couldn’t stand someone who was homophobic, or biphobic, in this case. You pushed the woman off of you and to the side, she was clearly upset and you weren’t going to let what the guy said slide.

“What the fuck, man? You think it’s okay to say shit like that to people? What year are you living in, like for real?”

As you were about to start really ripping into him, you felt Harry’s presence beside you. You looked over and he looked angry, like really angry, not annoyed or exasperated as he usually did with you. Angry like he was about to grab this guy by the shirt and start pummeling him. Even with all the alcohol in your system, you knew that wouldn’t actually help the situation, even if you did want someone to wipe the smug look off this guy’s face, which had only grown worse since you’d started yelling at him. It was like this stranger was getting off on making these two women in front of him uncomfortable and upset.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Harry spat at the guy.

“Harry,” you turned your body towards him and put your hand on his chest, placing yourself between him and the rude guy, “I’m not letting you get into a fight over what he said. It’s not worth it.”

He had pushed himself almost against this guy, Harry easily hovering over him. Harry looked down at you and then back to the guy, who was chuckling to himself, stepping back from the scene.

He seethed, “You disgust me,” he looked at the man. “Just crawl back into whatever hole your sorry ass came out of.”

The guy just laughed and walked off. Harry looked down at you, his eyes softening instantly. You couldn’t exactly distinguish the look he gave you, you just knew it was something you’d never seen directed at you.

Your brow remained furrowed as you looked at him, then he said, “Let’s get some air.”

You looked around the room for your sequined dress woman, but she was nowhere to be found. So you let Harry take you by the hand out the side exit, to the bar’s alleyway.  

Outside, you immediately brought your hands to rub over your exposed arms, the tiny sleeves of your shirt not being enough to brave the brisk night air. The altercation had shaken you up quite a bit and immediately sobered you. Harry stepped closer to you out of instinct, seeing you were shivering, but having nothing to offer warmth except himself. The two of you leaned against the bar’s outer wall and took a few deep breaths.

“Are you alright?” Harry asked, voice slightly hoarse from yelling in the loud bar.

“Fine. You?”

Why was he being so nice, you were surprised he had stepped in at all, but now he was checking in on you past that, it was confusing.

“Of course. You didn’t even let me get a single swing in.”

You scrunched your face at his comment regarding violence. “Why did you even come over? I can handle myself,” you asked, suddenly feeling the normalcy of bickering settle between the two of you.

Harry rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. His pectoral muscles slightly shifted and pushed around his cross pendant in the center of his chest.

“Because he was a dick,” he started, then sighed, “And because I can’t just let some homophobe say a bunch of slurs to my friend.”

Your eyes grew wide and shown in the street lamp, as they looked up into Harry’s green ones. He was slightly sweaty from the bar, but it was quickly drying and leaving a slight sparkle on his skin. His jaw was tensed, as he tried to maintain eye contact with you. You remained silent, unaware how to respond to his statement that he did, despite much evidence saying otherwise, care about you.

Harry decided to continue, “You might piss me off, like all the time, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for a random asshole to say that kind of shit to you.”

“I’m your friend?” you circled back to what he had said earlier. Your voice was small and also hoarse from yelling in the bar.

“Of course, Y/N, what the fuck?”

“I thought...I guess I never saw it that way.”

“Harsh.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know competing all the time and being annoyed with each other was friendship.” You shifted closer to Harry, your words dripping in sarcasm. Even now, as the two of you checked in on each other and talked about your friendship, you managed to fight.

“That’s just because you’re constantly infuriating me and getting us into fights,” Harry smirked, tapping a finger on your cold nose.

“I think you’ve got it backwards, there, Har,” you winked.

“No, I don’t think so,” he shrugged and pressed closer to you.

Neither of you were very clear on what your bodies were doing, slowly moving so that you had your back against the wall and Harry’s hips were pressed up against yours.

“It’s not my fault you’re always jealous of me,” you breathe, his face inches from yours.

Harry snorted a laugh out of his nose, his eyes slowly blinking and looking away from you, before staring directly at you. “Oh, please, now who has it backwards?” His right arm went up beside your head and his hand rested on the cold stone next to you. His breath, from his laughter and words, fanning over your face, made you close your eyes at the warmth.

You moved both of your hands up to his chest, and he looked down at the movement. One moved up to grip his shoulder and the other fiddled with the cross that had caught your attention when he had folded his arms.

After a beat, Harry said your name, barely above a whisper. Your head tilted up, looking up at him questioningly. You didn’t really understand the position the two of you had shifted yourselves into. “Can I kiss you?” Harry asked.

“Do you want to?”

“Kind of…” He ran a finger over your cheekbone.

Your eyes danced with mischief “Why?”

“Are you serious?” Harry asked in slight disbelief.

“As a heart attack,” you said gravely, throwing the words he had used earlier back at him. He sighed a slight laugh.

“Like I said, infuriating…”

Just as he was about to pull away, you reached up and connected your lips with his. Your hand cupped his strong jaw and brought him closer to you. His warm, wet lips pushed against yours with vigor. There was passion in the kiss. A constant push and pull for who got to be in control. You sucked on his lower lip, trying to get him to open up his mouth, but he declined.

He pressed you further onto the wall, while cradling your head to keep it from knocking against the concrete. His teeth nipped at your lip after a few more moments of fervent open mouth kisses without tongue. You resigned to not getting your way and let his tongue lick into you. Your tongue pressed against his as the two of you continued kissing. While his mouth was harsh, the rest of his touch was mostly soft. The hand that didn’t cradle your head was rubbing up and down your side, only venturing down to your bottom occasionally and squeezing quickly.

Finally, he pulled back, gasping slightly for air. He then rested his forehead against yours and you looked at him from beneath your lashes. One of your hands was now twisted in his curls, while the other was gripping his shirt, over the dried vodka spill from earlier. You smiled as you exhaled a big breath. Harry chuckled giddily.

“That was hot,” you said.

“Y’know, having similar tastes...might not be such a bad thing after all.”

“Knowing us we probably like all the same things…” you trailed off, blushing at the suggestion.

“Why don’t we find out sometime,” Harry winked before brushing his lips against yours once more.

Pecks weren’t possible for either of you though, both of you furiously pressing back together, hungry for more of the heat that came from you kissing.

“That’d be nice,” you whimpered against his lips.

“I think it’d be more than nice…” Harry brought his head down to suck on a part of your exposed cleavage, one of his legs pressed between yours, pushing slightly up into your heat. A strangled moan left your lips as you tried to stifle it. Harry chuckled, his face moved up to right beside your ear, “You’d probably love to have me take you right here, huh?”

His leg pressed up into you and your body automatically grinded down on the pressure. The alcohol and sexual grinding from earlier had gotten you horny and the making out with Harry had definitely heightened your desire.

“But we both know you can’t,” you gained your strength and pressed a little on his shoulders.

As much as you desired Harry right now and he seemed to desire you, as well, he was right. You two were extremely similar and would never actually have sex in a bar alleyway, as much as you might want to in the moment. You both laughed, releasing the sexual tension that was surrounding you.

“I know, but it’s fun to pretend we could...How about we go to my place and see what other fantasies we share?” Harry twisted a strand of your hair in his large hand.

“For once, I’m happy to be on the same page as you, Harry,” you grinned. He picked you up and spun you around, making you shriek in laughter, before heading back into the bar to gather your stuff.

You were quick to scurry out of the bar after telling your friends you were both leaving, tired from everything that had happened. Everyone simply nodded, but the minute you were far enough away they all snickered about the lipstick smeared on the corners of Harry’s lips and your terribly mused hair. Mitch even placed a twenty in the palm of Sarah’s open hand, shaking his head in defeat.

-

Tag list: @cronias13 @theresthingsthatwellneverknow @harrxier @harrys-cherrry @sltwins @awesomebooklover17 @harrys-stan

[tngrace]

Hold Onto Me

This is my Big Bang Fic for @911lsbb I had such fun writing it. I may not be active in the fandom right now (and honestly Idk if that will change in the future or not) I am very excited to get this posted. If it is my last 911 LS/Tarlos fic, just know there was a lot of love and hard work poured into it and I’m so very proud of it. 20K words below the cut

Artwork by the fabulous @reyeslonestar - Alex I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love these 2 pieces. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for making these 2 scenes come to life. 

Text dividers found on tumblr @poison-aesthetics

Read on A03; 911LS Masterlist

Summary: Carlos joins the Army instead of the Police Academy. TK becomes a baker instead of a firefighter. They happen to meet at a bakery in Austin; TK is a baker there, only been there a few months, when he meets Carlos who is home on a short leave. That chance meeting leads to a friendship that develops over texts and emails until Carlos is medically discharged from the Army. 

Tags: see below 

For as long as he could remember, Carlos Reyes wanted to be a cop when he grew up. He wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, but not exactly in them. He’d always looked up to his father, and his mother too if he was being honest. As he got older and discovered more of the world, he felt like he could do more for his community as a police officer instead of being a Texas Ranger. When he came out to his parents at seventeen, and nothing was ever said going forward, Carlos felt like he was a disappointment to them. He wasn’t even sure his father thought he would be a good cop after that, but he never let go of the dream. The day he realized his dad thought he was “too soft” to be a cop almost crushed him; however, he promised his mom he would attempt community college to see if anything else would stick or if he would continue on to the police academy without his dad’s support.

He felt like he hid so much of himself already, he didn’t want to give up on his dream. He didn’t want to disappoint his parents any more than he thought he had, so he looked for a compromise. He tried classes for one year, but he wasn’t happy. The classes he was taking felt pointless, and it wasn’t anything that interested him as he couldn’t start in criminal justice classes until he got most of the basics out of the way. Unfortunately, he had not been like some of his fellow high school students that took some of their entry level college classes their junior and senior years. College felt like a never-ending chore, and by the end of his first semester, he was looking for a way out.

Every couple of weeks he would see military recruiters around campus, but it wasn’t until some of them actually stopped him a few weeks into his second semester that he considered what they were offering. The two Sergeants shared their stories and their mission, and their words really resonated with Carlos. The whole time all he could think was maybe this was finally the thing that would make his dad proud, would “toughen him up” so he could be a good police officer if he still wanted that once he was out. His mama cried when he told them he’d enlisted for five years, and his dad never said a word. Carlos wasn’t sure disappointment was the word to use to describe how their reactions made him feel, but he was following this through with or without their approval.

He was stationed at Fort Benning after ten weeks of basic training. Training was tough, but he didn’t mind it and he excelled at it thanks to his years working the ranch. He wrote to his parents and his sisters as much as possible, and his mom always sent letters and care packages back. He knew she missed him, but he finally felt like he was somewhere he belonged, somewhere where he was going to make a difference. 

Being stateside was different and not exactly what he was expecting when he joined up, but it also wasn’t bad. He was able to complete specialist training while at base, as well as make friends within his unit. It was more relaxed than basic, but they still had training exercises to keep them in top shape. He and a guy named Colton from North Carolina became really close friends, connecting over their southern roots and families. Colton was the wild to Carlos’s tame, but they were almost inseparable around base and really balanced each other out. The unit had nicknamed them double C, and the boys rolled with it, finding it funny. 

TK Strand fell in love with baking when he was eight years old. Gwyn let him help make cookies and cakes when he was feeling down after the divorce was final. It was a way for them to bond and a way for her to keep his mind off his dad not showing up. The first time he went to rehab at fifteen, he didn’t really take it seriously. He did what he was supposed to do to go home, and for a few months after he got out, he stayed clean. But he didn’t connect with the therapist, and as soon as his parents went back to their normal ways, so did he. 

The news of their first deployment came at the end of Carlos’s first official year in the Army. They were given leave to return home before they deployed out, and Carlos was able to spend Christmas with his family. He broke the news as soon as he was home, wanting to get it out of the way. His mama cried once more, and his dad told him to be careful and come home. Carlos wasn’t sure if they were proud of him or not, but he felt like they might be. He wasn’t sure what deployment would be like, but he felt ready for it. The first week in January 2016 he deployed with his unit to Afghanistan for six months. 

The second time he went, at seventeen almost eighteen, he was paired with a therapist he really connected with once he was released from rehab. He shares more than he ever initially intended to with her; in one of his sessions, he even shares how baking was when he felt most connected with his mother and actually had her attention. He shares how he thinks he must go to the fire academy when he graduates so he can have his father’s attention and be connected to him. They explore more than TK ever thought could be possible, and he learns a lot about himself and why he makes some of the decisions he does. 

He feels like he’s at loose ends once graduation and summer break hit. He’s waiting on his application to be processed for the fire academy, but he’s not sure he’ll get in with his two stints in rehab. He shares these feelings with his therapist, and she makes some suggestions for hobbies to keep him occupied. One of her suggestions is some culinary classes since he seemed to really like baking. TK isn’t so sure about it - it doesn’t seem like something his parents would be proud of him for, but he agrees to look into it. He doesn’t tell his parents; his mom is away on a case, and his dad keeps promising he’s a shoo in for the fire academy. He and a random date go to a couples cooking class one night at TK’s suggestion so he can get a feel of what it would be like, and TK really enjoys it more than he thought he would. The date doesn’t go anywhere, and TK is surprisingly ok with it, focused more on how the class left him feeling. 

He decides to apply to culinary school in the city just to see what happens. He keeps this from his parents as well, only telling Enzo when Enzo finds the school information in his room. Enzo encourages him to pursue it, promising that he will keep it to himself, until TK wants to tell his parents. TK appreciates how Enzo listens and respects him, and he’s the first person TK tells when he gets accepted. He doesn’t pick a specialty, electing to take classes in everything. He loves baking, but he wants to expand and push himself into learning everything. His parent’s take the news better than he expected, TK wondering if Enzo talked to them after all; TK excels at culinary school, ending at the top of his class. His therapist is really proud of him as well, and TK learns to be proud of himself. 

When it comes time for his internship, he picks a NYC restaurant from the list presented to them. It ends up being fancier than he expected, and while it’s challenging and pushes him to do his best, it’s too fancy for him. Before his internship is over, he’s already looking forward to where he wants to go next. He’d gotten accepted to the fire academy halfway through his courses, but that doesn’t feel like the right fit anymore. He meets Derek in the middle of his internship, and Derek seems like the perfect fit in his life. They have a lot in common, and they just seem to click. Derek accepts him, past and all, and TK falls quickly. 

Once his internship is up, he ends up bouncing around some restaurants in NYC. He doesn’t find one that makes him really happy, so he gets a second job at a local bakery he loves. It’s not a permanent position though, so TK keeps trying in actual restaurants. TK feels Derek pulling away the more unhappy TK becomes with work, the more he switches jobs, and eventually he learns that Derek has been seeing other people behind his back. He’s crushed; he truly thought Derek might be the one. The day he moves back into his dad’s apartment, he learns his mom and Enzo are splitting, his dad has a new girlfriend that he doesn't like, and he just quit the third restaurant he’d been at since his internship. He books an emergency session with his therapist the day after he finds out because he doesn’t trust himself. Instead of dwelling on his spiraling life, he spends the night looking for another job, preferably a bakery position, but this time he doesn’t limit himself to just NYC. 

When he shares this with his therapist the next day, he’s not surprised when she agrees that maybe getting out of the city is what he needs. He tells her everything, not holding back because he trusts her, and she reminds him how he’s made the right decisions and she’s proud of him. His parents don’t take the news all that well when he tells them he’s taking a bakery position in Austin, TX, but they understand his need to get out of the city and support him because they see he is making healthy decisions instead of unhealthy ones. TK made the move to Austin at the beginning of 2016 just after his twentieth birthday.  

TK found an apartment in Austin and settled in at the bakery. Life was definitely different in Texas, and it took him some time adjusting. The bakery was nice, but it didn’t feel like the right fit. He’d signed a six-month contract though, so he was sticking it out. It took him a little while to make some friends, but once he did, he felt more settled. He met Marjan and Paul when they became regulars at the bakery. It was near their fire station, and they came in a lot before and after shift for coffees. They’d clicked right away once they got to talking, and they were the ones to show him around town. 

They were also the one to introduce him to Grace and Judd Ryder, knowing TK would click with her over their love of baking. Grace and TK were instant friends, and Judd saw him as a little brother that needed some protecting. Grace showed TK around her bakery, and it felt more like home. He worked out his six-month contract, and then moved over to Grace’s bakery. They got along so well, TK made friends with the usuals, and it boosted his confidence when Grace let him bake things. 

Everyone watched TK flourish, even his parents were impressed with how well he was doing. Of course, he still had some rough days, still battled his addiction, still went to meetings when things got to be too much, and still met with a therapist every couple of weeks, but he never felt happier. He finally felt like his life was going in the right direction and that he would be ok. Sure, he missed having a partner, but it felt nice to actually focus on himself and grow his life, and in time he knew he’d find the one. 

Carlos’s first deployment was a major eye opener. It was a lot rougher than he expected, they lost more people than he expected, Carlos had to kill more people than he expected. He felt like a changed person when they returned to Fort Benning. Colton noticed it too, and he did his best to help Carlos cope. If it wasn’t for Colt, Carlos doesn’t know what he would’ve been like. They were stateside for two months before they were sent right back. 

Because they were such a dynamic duo, their superiors sent them through a crash course of sniper training before they were redeployed. They continued their training once arriving at Bagram, and by their first mission, Carlos was considered a top Sniper. He and Colton ended up in less dangerous situations this way, but it still stayed with Carlos all the deaths he had a hand in even though he understood why it had to happen. If it wasn’t for Colton and all their long talks, Carlos isn’t sure what state his head would be in. When news came at the end of December of their return stateside, he felt grateful. They were back in Georgia by the first of January and were promised two weeks of leave after a week of debriefing. Carlos was glad to be going home.

He’d spent all of the first week and the majority of the second hiding out at the ranch. He enjoyed the peacefulness of the ranch and not having to think about anything or anyone. He didn’t have to think about the things he’d seen and done overseas. He can just forget about it and get lost in the routine of living and working on the ranch. Colton still checked in via phone calls and texts, and Carlos was grateful for his best friend more than he could ever express. His mom was glad to have him home since he’d missed the holidays, and he wasn’t complaining about all the spoiling she was doing. He’d definitely missed her cooking and it was much better than Army food. 

But his sister called yesterday and said she wanted to meet him in town. It’d been almost two years since he’d seen her; their schedules never lined up when he had leave. He’d seen his oldest sister on several different occasions, but not his middle sister. So, he agreed and asked where she wanted to meet. She suggested one of the bakeries in town wanting to indulge his sweet tooth, and he’d easily agreed. 

It’d been a while since he’d been to this particular bakery, so he was looking forward to it. He beat his sister there, which wasn’t unusual, so he grabbed a table to wait on her. He texts her repeatedly after their agreed upon meeting time as the minutes kept ticking by and she still wasn’t there. He knew sometimes she lost track of time, but usually she would at least answer him with an excuse. It was a little unnerving that she wasn’t answering, but he also wasn’t sure he wasn’t overreacting based on his background. The bakery was mostly empty, and he didn’t see anyone he recognized, but he still felt uncomfortable just sitting there by himself. 

TK’s mom and Enzo, who had finally worked out their differences and gotten back together after TK moved to Austin, had been in town visiting, and it was their last day. Unfortunately, he was stuck at work, but they had agreed to stop by and say goodbye before they left. He loved his job, and his boss was amazing, so when they showed up, he took his lunch break early to enjoy some pastries with them at Grace’s insistence. They were just saying goodbye when he noticed the guy in the corner. He was very good looking, clean cut, dressed in army fatigue pants and a tan t-shirt, but he looked really upset. TK could sympathize, assuming the guy was being stood-up on a date. 

The bakery wasn't busy this time of the day. The breakfast crowd had already been through, and the after work crowd wouldn’t be in for a couple more hours. It was quiet, with just a few older people sitting in a corner so the poor guy stood out. Once he saw his mom and Enzo off with plenty of hugs and promises to see each other soon, he went over to check on the guy.  

“Hi,” TK said, walking up to the table. 

“Hi,” Carlos said looking up from his phone. The smile froze on his lips when he looked into the most gorgeous green eyes he’d ever seen. 

“Everything ok?” At Carlos’s confused face TK remembered he left his apron behind the counter, so the guy had no way of knowing he worked there just by looking at him. “I noticed you looked a little upset and wanted to make sure everything was ok with your order,” he clarified. 

“Oh. I haven't even ordered yet,” Carlos offered with a sheepish smile when he realized TK worked there. 

“Oh.” TK seemed just as flustered as Carlos now.  

“Yea, I was waiting on my sister, but she’s really late and not answering me now. We... uh... It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, and I don't know what’s up with her,” Carlos sighs. 

TK lets out a soft chuckle at himself for totally misreading the situation. “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you,” TK said when he noticed Carlos’s confused face. “I just realized how bad I totally misread this situation. First, I thought something was wrong with your order. Then I was afraid a date was standing you up and I was going to offer my sympathies as the last blind date I went on, the dude didn’t even bother to show up.”

Carlos was silent for longer than was necessary as the information that this handsome guy was also gay. He wasn’t used to people being so open about it in Texas, and he definitely wasn’t used to being hit on in public, thus his silence.  “I... should,” TK gestured back towards the kitchen and counter when Carlos didn’t say anything more. 

“Oh right,” Carlos says, snapping out of his daze. “Of course. Thank you for checking on me though. That was very kind.” 

“Gotta make sure my food is good enough that everyone is happy,” TK shrugs with a grin

“Wait. Your food?” Carlos didn’t remember Sophia mentioning anything about the Ryder’s selling the bakery, but maybe he just missed it somewhere while he was away.

“Yea. I’m one of the bakers here. I had a temporary position at another bakery here in Austin after culinary school and fell in love with the city. Once that was up, I found the position here and couldn’t pass it up. I've been here at this bakery for a couple of months, but the boss lets me bake quite a few of my own recipes along with hers.  I like cooking, but baking is my passion,” he smiles. 

“Well, what do you recommend I get? Since it doesn't look like my sister is going to show. I might as well try something while I'm here.” Carlos’s smile was blinding, and TK was rendered speechless for a moment.

“Oh. Well, anything you get will be good,” he laughed. 

“So humble,” Carlos smirked. He followed TK up to the counter and glanced over the menu and in the cases. He ended up ordering a coffee, a banana nut muffin and a chocolate eclair. 

“You’ll have to let me know what you think,” TK winks as he passes the plate to Carlos. “I’ll be back out in a bit. If you need anything, hollar.” 

Carlos gave him a smile as he took the food and coffee over to his table. He sent his sister another text calling her names in Spanish before he dug into the banana nut muffin first. The muffin was soft and moist, and honestly one of the best muffins he’d ever had. Especially since he’d joined the army. He did his best to muffle his moan as he kept eating it. He’d picked foods TK had specifically baked so he could report back when TK checked on him later, but he wasn’t sure words would do this justice. 

His sister finally responded to what seemed like a thousand texts he’d sent her.

Sorry Carlitos, got held up at the courthouse. I'm on my way. Have you met TK yet?

Carlos was going to kill her. She’d set him up and he didn’t even realize it. While his parents never really addressed his sexuality, his sisters embraced it and wanted to see him happy. But they’d never tried setting him before, always respecting his boundaries. He had no idea why Sophia was trying now, and he wasn’t as upset as he thought he’d be, but he was still annoyed with her.

Yes. No thanks to you. We talked for a few. He thought I was being stood up which I kinda was. See you soon. You're ordering your own food.

Carlos huffed as he pocketed his phone and swirled some of his coffee. He’d taken to drinking it straight black since he joined the army, but he still swirled it occasionally as if he was mixing creamer in. TK came back out as Carlos was fixing to take a bite of his éclair. “Well?” he asks, pulling out the chair across from Carlos. 

“Hmmmmm,” Carlos pretended to think to tease TK. 

“Oh stop it. The muffin is gone and you look like you could devour that éclair,” TK smirked. 

“I will admit. That was probably the best muffin I'd ever had. Don’t tell my mother I said that though.” 

“No worries. Secrets are safe with me,” TK laughed. He was practically beaming at Carlos’s praise of his food though. “So is your sister coming?” TK eventually asked. 

“Yea, supposedly. Said she got held up at the courthouse. I think she was just trying to set me up subtly though.” 

“Oh yea? Doesn’t look like it worked,” TK chuckled, looking around the bakery seeing only the older people still in their corner. 

Carlos blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yea about that…. Apparently, it was you she was subtly trying to set me up with. She specifically asked if I’d met you.” 

“Me???” TK’s confused face was adorable. “Wait. Who’s your sister?” 

Carlos let out a sigh, which made TK laugh. “Sophia Reyes Lopez, Austin’s top public defender.” 

“Oooohhh.” TK’s face was priceless. Carlos started to apologize for his sister, but TK continued. “Wait you must be the and I quote ‘hot brother Carlos who is in the army’ that she has been trying to get me to meet.” Sophia was a regular at the bakery as it was near the courthouse, and she’d really taken to TK. He really liked her, and enjoyed their talks when she came in. She was also persistent that he had to meet her brother, so he’s glad he’s finally getting the chance. 

Carlos groaned as he hid his face in his hands. “I swear I’m going to kill her,” he mumbled into his hands. 

“It’s fine,” TK laughs. “She means well. She tells me all about you though. I think she just doesn’t want you to be alone.” 

Carlos shakes his head, but he can feel that his face is blood red. He knows his sister just tries to make up for all the years he hid, and the way his parents didn’t really acknowledge anything, but he also doesn’t need her help. “Yea well, Army life makes it hard for relationships. And I've still got a minimum of two years left. So, it doesn’t seem fair to ask anyone to wait, and I haven’t really found anyone.” He blushes at how much he has shared with a stranger. “Sorry. That’s not, I usually…” 

“It’s fine Carlos.” TK gives him a reassuring smile. “Sometimes it’s nice to unload on someone.” 

“Yea but you’re at work.” 

“I’ve got a cake in the oven, so I've got a little more time. Besides, this is the slow time.” 

“Thank you,” Carlos says bashfully. “I have a friend at base that I usually unload on, but he’s not really the ‘share my romantic woes’ type. Don’t get me wrong, he’s probably my best friend ever, but…” he trails off with a shrug. 

“I get it. But I should probably get back to the kitchen before Sophia gets here. We don’t want to give her anything to brag about,” TK laughs. 

“No, no we do not,” Carlos agrees. TK takes Carlos’s plate, but before he walks off, he offers, “I wouldn’t mind giving you my number or email, if you ever found yourself needing someone outside your family or your unit to talk to. I’m not the best, but I know how helpful it can be to have someone to talk to.” 

Carlos stares at him so long TK thinks he might’ve crossed a line he didn’t know about. “Yea. Yea I’d like that,” Carlos smiles passing TK his phone so he can put his contact info into. “Email is easier if I’m deployed, but texting is fine if I’m stateside” 

“I’ll put both,” TK winks. He puts his information into a new contact and passes his phone back to him. While he thinks Sophia undersold how good looking her brother is, he also understands that Carlos isn’t looking for that right now. And if he’s being honest, he’s not sure he is either. He’s still not over having his heart destroyed a year ago, and not sure he can trust himself romantically. What he does know is that he enjoyed talking to Carlos just now, and he knows how to be a good friend.  He’s just skirting behind the counter when Sophia walks in. 

Carlos had been back in Georgia for two weeks before he decided to send TK an email. Sophia had gloated majorly when she found out he’d gotten TK’s information. She’d immediately texted Tina, his older sister, bragging that she would be credited for Carlos finding true love, to which he gave them both the middle finger. He ended up going back to the bakery three more times before he left, and each time he found talking to TK, even just about what TK was baking that day, to be one of the easiest things ever. 

And this is why he struggled typing an email. He wanted it to be perfect, but he wanted it to be easy like all their other conversations. He’d started and stopped several times, and he was currently attempting to tug at his hair as he stared at his screen. “Seriously dude? I can feel your tension across base,” Colton said sitting down on the end of Carlos’s bunk. 

“Shut it,” Carlos grunts. He closes his laptop with another sigh before tossing it on his trunk which doubles as a table. 

“Problems at home?” 

“No. Everything is good. Tina and Soph say hi and want to know if you’ve found anyone yet,” Carlos laughs. His sisters have taken to Colton like a second younger brother even though they’ve never officially met, and since they think he's settled with TK, even though he hasn’t talked to him since returning to base, they’ve turned their attention to making sure Colton is happy. 

“Dude! Why are your sisters worried about that?” he laughs. 

“Because they’re annoying and that’s what they do,” Carlos shrugs.

“Ok so if things are fine at home, then what’s wrong? Usually, you’re out there with me kicking ass at horseshoes, not in here moping at your laptop.” 

Carlos rolls his eyes as he sits up. “So dramatic,” he murmurs. 

Colton barks a laugh making Carlos smile. “Usually, you’re not this hard to get info out of. Gotta do something.” 

Carlos runs his fingers through his short hair once more. He’s still not used to not having his curls to tug at when he feels stressed even after two years and some change in the Army. Colton turns around to sit on the same side of the bed as Carlos. His hand falls to Carlos’s shoulder giving it a squeeze. “Deep breath, hold it.” Colton silently counts to five; “Let it out.” Carlos follows Colton’s instructions blowing out a heavy breath. “Now you just open your mouth and talk.” 

Carlos chuckles as he shakes his head giving his best friend a smile. Colton might be wild and a playboy, but he’s an amazing friend and knows Carlos better than anyone. “I sorta met someone when we had leave last time. He lives in Austin. My sister tried to subtly set us up by running extremely late to meet me at the bakery he works at. It sorta worked as he thought I was being stood up on a date so he came over on the guise of checking that the food was ok. When he realized it was my sister standing me up, he sat down for a conversation before my sister tipped her hand in text asking if I’d met him yet.” 

“Wow.”

“Yea I know. I was pissed at her until I realized how easy it was to talk to TK. We exchanged info, TK offering to be a listening ear any time I needed it. I went back three more times before I flew back here. I haven’t talked to him since, and I was trying to type him an email just now.”

“But it wasn’t coming out as perfectly as you thought it should and it was stressing you out, right?” 

Carlos just stares at Colton constantly amazed at how well Colton knows him. “Something like that,” he sighs. “I know this isn’t usually our….” he waves his hand around trying to let Colton off the hook easily. 

“Our topics to discuss. No, not really,” Colton agrees. “But it’s also never come up. Carlos we’re friends, best friends, and we can talk about anything you need. Because I need you focused, not stressed about something like this. In his world, we have each other’s back no matter what. I need to know you’ll be focused when we’re out there, so if I can help alleviate anything keeping you from being focused, then that’s what I'm going to do.” 

Carlos pulls Colton into his side for a side hug. “You’re nothing but a softy,” he teases before letting Colton go. 

“Don’t tell anyone,” Colton fake threatens, and Carlos holds up his hand with a laugh. “Now back to your problem. If the conversation was as easy as you said it was, this… TK?” At Carlos’s nod Colton continues; “TK isn’t going to care what you say, just that you’re saying something. So, type up an email, hit send, and then get your ass out here to help me win horseshoes.”

“You got it,” Carlos smiles as he gives Colton a nod. Once Colton is back outside their barracks, Carlos opens his laptop once more. He opens a new email to TK and starts typing. He doesn’t think, he just types everything as it comes to him, and hits send before he can talk himself out of it. He joins Colton outside, putting the email out of his mind, feeling lighter now that he’s done it. 

TK woke around four in the morning to start getting ready for his shift. He was opening this week so that meant getting to the bakery by 4:30 am to get started baking before their 6:30 am opening, which meant he was asleep by seven each night for his early mornings. To say he was surprised by his email notification when he silenced his alarm was an understatement. He hadn’t heard from Carlos since his last time in the bakery. Seeing he had an email from him, he was instantly more alert and awake. He sat up on the side of the bed and opened it immediately before getting dressed. 

TK, 

I don't even know where to begin. I’ve sat here staring at my screen for the longest trying to figure out the perfect email. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write, but I have a problem with wanting to make everything perfect before I do it. I’ve tried for two weeks to figure out what to say, and finally Colton, my best friend in my unit I told you about, told me that you wouldn’t care what I said, you’d just be happy I was writing. I hope that is true.

We’re still stationed at base, so I technically could’ve just texted you, but I wasn’t sure how you would feel about that either. We’ll be deploying out in May, which I know is still a few months away, but might as well get used to emails now. I hope you are well, and I hope everything is going well at the bakery. Honestly, one day of base food had me missing your sweet baking, especially the muffins. Anyways, Colt is waiting on me for horseshoes, but I hope to hear from you soon.

Carlos

TK read it a few more times, before he jumped up and got dressed realizing he’d sat on the bed reading it longer than he meant to. He made it to the bakery with nary a minute to spare. He dove right into his baking, getting bagels and muffins going along with some breakfast bread. Once those were going, and he had the coffees set to brew on time, he sat down on a stool in the kitchen and thought of his reply. Honestly, he hadn’t been able to get Carlos out of his mind, and he was so very happy to hear from him. But he feels Carlos’s stress of forming the perfect email. He read over Carlos’s once more before typing his response. 

Carlos,

I’m so happy to hear from you and that you are ok. Sophia updated me last week that you were still in Georgia. I have a feeling she will keep me updated every time you move if you tell her, LOL. She’s still gloating of course, but I can’t seem to be mad at her, not when our conversations were some of the highlights of my day. Things at the bakery are well. I’m opening all week, so early shifts and really early nights. I’ve got a tray of muffins and banana bread in the oven right now along with some fresh bagels. As soon as I finish replying I’m going to start on doughnuts and cakes for later. I could always send you muffins if you told me where/if that would be ok. No pressure, just a suggestion since you said you missed them. I’ll be around any time you want to talk. Xo

TK

After that day, Carlos and TK exchanged emails, texts and even phone calls. Carlos even gave TK the address to ship baked goods to. At first, he didn’t share, but once Colton discovered the packages contained baked goods, it was almost impossible to keep him out of TK’s treats. Colt had even started joking that Carlos should marry him for his baking talents alone, to which Carlos would remind him they were just friends. Their easy conversations carried over into their writing. Carlos found it easier to share everything he was thinking over screens, and TK enjoyed having another person to talk to. Carlos was able to come home for a week before his deployment in May. TK was able to swing some time off since he knew ahead of time when Carlos would be home to spend it with him. It was the first time Carlos came home that he didn’t spend the entire time hiding at the ranch. 

They both insisted to anyone that asked that they were just friends. It was a no-pressure relationship that they both found comfort in. It was the first time Carlos ever wished he never joined the Army because he wished he could explore things more with TK. He felt himself falling even though he knew he would never ask TK to wait for him. TK felt similar; he could feel himself falling, but in his eyes, Carlos was too good to drop all his baggage on. TK had shared some of his past with Carlos in their many conversations, but he’d kept some of the more rough stuff to himself. TK dropped Carlos at the airport on the day he had to return to base. They hugged longer than what would be considered friendly, and TK promised to always answer any time Carlos wrote. It was a harder goodbye than either of them was expecting, but it was just the beginning. 

Carlos’s unit was sent to Bagram once more. It wasn’t their first time to be stationed there, but it also wasn’t exactly where Carlos thought they were going this time around. He knows a lot of the details of their deployments will be classified, and it is the first time he’s really had to think about censoring what he writes home about. It was easier to censor things to his family because he didn’t want to share the horrors of war with them. He’s gotten used to sharing almost everything about his life with TK, from the good to the not so good, so it’s a little strange to go back to thinking about what he has to say. 

TK’s emails are the highlights of his days. Their emails usually end up a few days apart because of the time difference, and it took some getting used to their schedules not syncing up. 

Carlos knows that’s toeing the line they don’t talk about or cross, but he can’t seem to help himself.

TK,

I hate that I’m so far ahead of you time wise. It seems so unusual that I’m seeing the sunrise around the time you’re waiting for it to set. I’ll be MIA a lot next week as we’ll be on a mission. I hate not being able to tell you every detail of my life. I know it’s the life I signed up for, but I also didn’t expect to meet someone like you. Someone who is just so easy to talk to.

Colt says hi, and he hates that he’s not going to be able to get any more baked goods for six months. I however am glad not to have someone stealing all the lovely food you make for me. I know you’re going to save me plenty for when we return ;) I can’t wait to hear what is happening around town and the bakery. Stay safe T.

Xo C 

Carlos puts the laptop back into his locked trunk. He knew their mission next week wouldn’t be that dangerous, but it was Afghanistan, and you just never knew. There was so much more he wanted to say in that email, but he knew it wasn’t the time. That is why he had a three-page handwritten letter stuffed in his trunk. If something were to happen to him, there’s letters in there for his family, but also one for TK he added before they deployed. 

“How’s lover boy,” Colton asks, flopping on the end of Carlos’s bed. Carlos rolls his eyes as he pushes Colton’s booted feet back to the floor. 

“He’s not my lover boy and you know it.” 

“Toemaytoe, toemahtoe,” Colton says dramatically, eliciting another eye roll from Carlos. 

Carlos shakes his head as he moves the trunk back under his bed. “TK is fine. I’m still not used to sending an email and not getting an instant reply. The time difference sucks. That email was just a check in and letting him know I’d be MIA,” he shrugs. 

“You’re so whipped,” Colton laughs as Carlos shoves him. 

“I’m not whipped. We’re friends. That’s it.”

“You could be so much more. Anybody that spends more than five seconds around you knows it.” 

“Colton, you know why.” 

“I know, I know.” He holds his hands up placatingly. “I’m just saying. We never know what’s going to happen, and at some point, you’re going to have to confront these feelings. And that’s all the pushing I’m doing for today.” He could see the rebuttal and pushback on Carlos’s face, so he figured it was better to end it there. Carlos just gives him a nod before they head to the mess hall to eat. 

TK reads Carlos’s email on his lunch break. He was closing this week, so he didn’t have to be in until lunch. But since closing meant late nights, he usually slept until after eleven meaning he’d missed Carlos’s email. He was still adjusting to the time difference between them now, and it made him smile that Carlos was hating it just as much. 

“There’s that little smile again,” Grace teased as she walked past TK. He shakes his head at his boss but doesn’t justify it with a verbal response. “Tell Carlos hi,” she calls over her shoulder. 

Carlos, 

I hate the time difference just as much. I was still sleeping when you sent this one, and I’m just now on lunch at work and able to respond. I’m sure you’re already asleep or almost asleep, and it’s fine, it’s just hard being patient for a response. Don’t worry about me next week; you just focus on the mission and staying safe. That doesn't mean I won’t email you half a dozen times to make sure you’re ok even though I know you can't respond, but at least Grace has me opening so I’ll be doing nothing but working.

He doesn’t say he’ll be worrying, but he feels like it’s implied. It’s also toeing the line they don’t talk about, but at this point he doesn’t care.

Speaking of Grace says hi. They find out next week what baby Ryder will be, and I’ll be sure to tell you. I’m looking forward to finding out. My bet is a girl… haha Judd with a little girl is going to be fun to watch. But I’m also still really nervous about it because Grace is insisting on leaving me in charge of the bakery the entire time she’s off. That seems minor in the face of what you’re doing and going to be facing daily, so just ignore me and tell me to suck it up.

Ok, I’ve started rambling and Grace is going to be calling me back to work any second so I’ll wrap this one up. Stay safe Carlos, and I can’t wait for another email.

T

I will never dismiss your concerns and fears TK. What you’re feeling is valid. Running someone else’s business in their absence is daunting, even if it’s something you’re really good at and love. So please share all you’re feeling, and I’ll do my best to reassure you and help you.

As for baby Ryder, I’m going to go with your assumption that it will be a girl until we know otherwise. Either way that is going to be a lucky baby to have you in his/her life. I expect pictures if I’m not in town because I’m sure the baby will be beautiful. He wants to say he knows TK will be handsome and gorgeous holding the baby, but he refrains. Today is probably my last day at base for a week, but I will respond as soon as I can. Just know we’ll be doing everything as safely as possible, and Colt will always watch my back. Stay safe and if you see my sisters tell them hi and that I’m fine.

C

The rest of the deployment went similar; they swapped emails as they could, they had Skype calls when they ignored sleep in favor of talking to the other, and before they knew it, Carlos had received his orders to return stateside. He would be home the first week of November. Baby Ryder arrived the week before Halloween, and as promised TK sent plenty of baby pictures to Carlos. Carlos couldn’t wait to get home and meet her. And if he secretly set his phone screen to a picture of TK and baby Charlie, well no one needed to know but him. 

They would be returning to Fort Benning for a week of debrief, and then they would be released until the first of the new year. Carlos was excited to have almost two months at home, and it seemed that TK shared in his excitement from his emails. He would still be running the bakery while Carlos was home on leave, but he promised he would have some time off as well. While home, TK and Carlos seemed to get closer. Carlos’s sisters liked to tease them about all the time they spent together, but they both just shrugged them off and stuck to their “just friends” despite how close they’d gotten. Sophia and Tina even helped Carlos talk to his parents with TK’s full encouragement about his sexuality and life. It was very cathartic, and a lot of unintentional misunderstandings were cleared between them. It was the freest Carlos had felt at home in a really long time. 

Unfortunately, he has to return to Fort Benning at the beginning of January, and upon arrival he finds out their unit will be deploying again February 1st in response to the Taliban’s attacks in Kabul. Since he just came off leave, he has to deliver the news over the phone. He Skypes his parents to let them know, and he shoots TK a text telling him to Skype when he can. TK knows the minute he reads the text that Carlos doesn’t have good news. The Skype call is more subdued than normal, but TK knows this is Carlos’s life and if he wants to stay in it, which he very much does, then he’s going to have to learn to live with Carlos halfway around the world. 

This deployment seems more heightened to danger, it’s almost like they can feel it in the air as soon as they land at Kandahar. They’re heading straight back to Bagram, and Carlos feels a tingling under his skin to get to base. He’s not sure why, but he knows this deployment will be life changing. As soon as they have down time, he shoots his parents and sisters an email letting them know he made it safely. Then he turns to sending TK one. He feels like he can share more of his thoughts and worries with him, even though he doesn’t want him to worry. 

We made it. I don’t want you to worry, although I know you will, but I also feel like I can share everything with you regardless. I’m sorry upfront if I add to your worry. I hate the idea that I’m potentially adding to your burdens, but I feel like I need to say it to someone not here.  Something just feels different this go around. It’s a tingling under my skin as soon as we landed. I couldn’t wait to get to the safety of the base. We’ve settled in and been debriefed, but I just can’t shake this feeling that this deployment is going to be different. I miss Austin, hell I miss Georgia at this point, so I know I’m in for a long six months.

How are things around town? The bakery? Charlie? I know you’ve got some cute pictures you’re withholding from me T.

He smiles as he writes that last line. Pictures of TK and Charlie have become his new favorite thing. Especially when Grace brings Charlie to the bakery and TK pretends she’s helping him bake. He knows she is going to be one spoiled little girl as she gets older. If he sets every new one he gets as his phone and laptop background, well no one has to know that but him.

I’ll keep in touch as much as possible, but I honestly don’t know how much we’ll be at base. Stay safe T, and I can’t wait for all your updates.

C <3

Carlos hit send before he could over think it and went to join Colton in the mess hall. 

Carlos, 

You know I will always worry about you no matter what you say; you’re halfway around the world in the middle of a war zone for crying out loud. And I won’t lie and say your email didn’t add to my worry. But I will say to always trust your gut. It’s one thing I’ve learned. So if your gut is telling you to be extra cautious, then please do it. And come home in one piece.

Sophia and Tina have both been in repeatedly just to say hi, but I think they’re really trying to check in and make sure I’m ok. Your sisters really don’t know the meaning of just friends do they? *That’s said with me laughing good-naturedly btw; don’t call them freaking out*

Austin is good; warm and spring is definitely around the corner even though it’s only February. I’m still not used to not having a winter, but I’m not complaining. I’ll attach pictures of Charlie, but no I don’t intentionally withhold them *insert tongue hanging out and me flipping you off image*

Grace says hi, and that she’ll send the pictures I won’t send later *eye rolling* as if I hide anything from you.

I know I’ve rambled on, but it seems like you could use the distraction - only while you’re at base of course. But in all seriousness, please stay safe Carlos. Stay focused, and make sure Colton watches your back and vice versa. I don’t know what this town would do without you. I don’t know what I would do without you.

T <3

It’s more than he would usually admit, but he’s being honest. Carlos has become such an integral part of his life; he doesn’t know what he would do without him in it. He sends up a prayer he’s not even sure will work, that Carlos will come home safe and in one piece to him. 

Carlos’s deployment rocks on with them exchanging emails as much as possible. The feeling under Carlos’s skin doesn’t go away, and he always feels like he’s hyperaware. His anxiousness is even starting to rub off on Colton. He shared everything with TK, and he’s found that being able to share his fears and worries help ease them. TK is a really good advice giver even though TK doesn’t seem to think so, and Carlos is so grateful TK lets him share all his thoughts even if it adds to TK’s worry. TK even shares things about his life he says he wouldn’t be able to share with Carlos in person, like his addiction, and Carlos learns more about the boy he is falling in love with.

Carlos is wrapping up an email towards the beginning of July. He’s starting to feel the anxiousness releasing as it gets closer to their deployment being up. He’s so relieved to be heading back home, and he just wrapped up telling TK about how he couldn’t wait to see him again. “Reyes,” he hears Colton call out which instantly puts him on alert as Colt isn’t usually so formal unless on mission. He closes his laptop and puts it back in his trunk before standing up and joining Colton at the opening to their bunks. 

“What’s up?” 

“Got a mission. Briefing in five.” 

“You look concerned,” Carlos says cautiously as he walks beside his best friend to their commander’s tent. 

“I think they’re jumping the gun.” He shrugs as he glances at Carlos. “Just from the rumors of course.”

“Alright, let’s hear them out and then decide. Surely Jones wouldn’t send us into something dangerous without hearing us out.” 

“Don’t know that it’ll be his call.” Carlos regards his best friend carefully before nodding in understanding. If Colton is worried about this, then Carlos knows they really need to be careful. 

The last email TK had gotten from Carlos was the first week of July. TK had been busy at the bakery with Grace as it was holiday season and it had taken him a day before he could respond. Going a few days without hearing from Carlos was normal, but it had been almost three weeks and he hasn't heard a word. He checked his phone constantly, to the point it became a joke around the bakery that it was going to end up in something he baked because it never left his hand. He knew Grace was doing it to try and alleviate his stress and worry. Carlos was supposed to be coming home in a week and half based on his original deployment information, but TK wasn’t sure if that was going to happen or not. 

It was another week, trading text with Sophia and Tina constantly for updates, before they both showed up at the bakery at the same time. TK and Grace shared a look as the sisters rarely came in at the same time to see him. “Hey girls,” Grace smiles, getting timid smiles in return from them. “Perfect timing because it’s TK’s break,” she smiles. “Go I’ve got this,” Grace tells him. TK gives her a grateful nod, leaving his apron behind the counter. He asks the girls if they want a drink or something and they both shake their heads no. TK gulps a deep breath trying to steady himself before he follows them to a secluded corner of the bakery. 

“Ok, just lay it on me. I can’t take this,” he says, twisting his hands together. 

Sophia leans over and covers his hands stilling them. “He’s alive,” Tina leads with. TK feels like he can breathe at that. “But it’s not good,” Sophia adds, giving his hands a squeeze. TK looks up at the girls and nods. He takes another deep breath. “Ok, I’m ready.” 

Tina and Sophia share a look, before Sophia turns to TK. TK figures it's her experience as a defense attorney that they decide she can deliver the news the calmest. Tina’s nails are bouncing off the table which isn’t helping TK’s nerves, but he gets it. “Mama and Papa heard from the Army last night. Carlos’s unit was under fire on a last-ditch mission. Carlos has been in Germany for the last two weeks, but his dog tags were missing. He woke up yesterday and that’s how they were finally able to contact us. The mission obviously went sideways.” 

She pauses for a breath, and TK sucked in his own breath. “Is he ok?” he’s finally able to ask. 

“His injuries are extensive and severe. He had several broken bones, two gunshot wounds. One to the abdomen, one to the shoulder. The abdomen one nicked his appendix and he had to have it removed, but he also got an infection. He also had a pretty bad head wound and concussion which is why he’s been in a medically induced coma. They kept him sedated until he started improving. They said he would be sent to Brooke Army Medical in Fort Sam Houston. If they deem him stable enough, they’ll transfer him here to St. David’s. They’re also honorably discharging him. He’ll get some kind of award too.” 

At TK’s confused look, Tina stopped her sister. “TK, they weren’t supposed to tell us this probably, but he was the only survivor of his unit. He’s…. He’s not going to be in the best head space when he gets home. We feel sure he’s still going to want to talk to you, but we want you to be prepared. He might not be the guy you love.” 

 TK looked between them shaking his head with teary eyes. “I… I...”

“We know. You don’t have to tell us. We know neither of you are ready for this, but we know deep down you love each other.” 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he finally gets out. “We may not be where you think we are, but I would never abandon him. He’s become one of the best parts of my life, and whatever he needs, whatever he wants I'm going to support. I don’t…. I don’t know if yall can talk to him or anything, but if so, please make sure he knows I’m here, whatever he needs.” 

He wipes his eyes before blowing out a deep breath. He knows this is going to change things, but he has no intention of going anywhere unless Carlos wants him too. The girls both give him tight hugs and promise to keep him updated before they’re gone. TK is quiet the rest of his shift, and Grace lets him be, but reminds him he’s free to share anything with her anytime. 

It’s another week before he hears from Carlos. He knows from the girls that he made it to Brooke Army and is going through a myriad of testing. Carlos sends him a text towards the end of his first week back stateside. All it says is check your email with a smiley face, and TK almost drops his phone in his haste to open his email. 

T,

I don’t even know where to begin. I know you’ve been worried and for that I’m sorry. I know it’s been close to two months since you’ve heard from me. I don’t know if you even still want to hear from me, but Soph and Tina have told me that they’ve kept you updated and that you would want to talk. I truly hope they haven’t been a bother. I know they mean well, and I’m grateful they’ve been able to give you reassurances during this time, and I’m sorry if I’m about to dump a lot of feelings and things on you if you’ve moved on. I still have concussion side effects, so this email has taken me way longer than I wanted to get out. I could’ve called, but I didn’t know your schedule anymore, and I tire so easily, it was just easier to take my time and write it out.

I’m guessing they told you I’m done. I still don’t even know how I feel about that. On one hand, I’m grateful to be coming home and able to stay at home. At the same time, I feel like I’m not finishing what I committed to, but I know I’m physically not able anymore. Especially with the PTSD diagnosis this doctor here just gave me. I’m sure he’s right, but I just can’t wrap my head around it.

Everything still feels surreal. I can’t just pick up the phone or look to my side and know Colt is there. Colt is gone, and there was no goodbye. There was nothing but pain. Sometimes I feel like I’m still back there. Sometimes I think I’m going to open my eyes and see sand, not three white walls. Sometimes I wish I was, sometimes I wish I could’ve done something different. I wish I could’ve gotten him home. My memory is coming and going on what happened. The drs say it’s my brain’s way of protecting me, but I don’t know if I believe that or not.  But I remember the pain from the bullets, and I remember Colt shoving me out of the way of the majority of them. I tried to stop him, I really did, but he was gone before I passed out.

I don’t know how to handle that, and I know there’s really nothing you can do. The dr said I needed to talk to someone before they would move me to St. David’s for rehab and finishing my care, and you were the first person that came to mind. I don’t know that they’ll count this, I’m sure I’m going to have to see a therapist, but it reminded me how easy our conversations were and how much I missed you.

Anyways, I should probably wrap this up. Don’t feel like you have to respond if you have moved on, but T, I want you to know. You got me through. Thoughts of you waiting on me kept me going. You’re always going to be special T, and I don’t want you to ever forget it.

Carlos.  

TK has tears pouring down his cheeks by the time he’s done reading. Grace finds him like that in the kitchen a few minutes later. “TK honey, oh come here,” she says, pulling him into a tight hug. TK cries on her shoulder for a few minutes before he’s able to pull himself together

“I finally heard from Carlos,” he says, waving his phone around. He wipes at his eyes as Grace pokes her head out front to make sure no one is waiting. 

“And?” 

“I think I need to call him. I have to go see him.” The urgency has been just under his skin since he knew Carlos was back in the states. But after that email, he felt like he couldn’t get to him fast enough. 

Grace gives him another hug. “Ok you call him, see if he can have visitors. And if so we’ll get you to Fort Sam Houston tomorrow.” 

“Grace. Wait no. I can’t leave you here alone. I just meant on my next day off.” 

“Sure you can. I did this long before I hired help. A day or two won’t kill me. Besides if your reaction to that email is anything to go by, he probably needs you just as much. Call your man while I go help the Smiths.” 

TK lets out a soft chuckle at Grace’s no-nonsense statements as she bustles back out front. “Yes mam,” he murmurs. He pulls Carlos’s text thread up and pushes the call button before he can talk himself out of it. The conversation is short; TK assuring Carlos he hasn’t gone anywhere, and Carlos letting TK know he can have visitors, but he doesn’t have to disrupt his life to come visit. TK doesn’t agree or disagree with him and promises to talk once he’s off shift. The next day, he arrives at the hospital at ten am and is led right to Carlos’s room. 

TK stands in the doorway for a moment, just gazing at Carlos. The number of bandages on his body is daunting, but nothing TK hasn’t seen before. It reminds him of the time he considered the fire academy, but he reminds himself this isn’t about him. He softly knocks and when Carlos’s eyes meet his, TK struggles to keep the tears at bay. 

“Hi stranger,” he says softly walking into the room. He sets the vase of flowers in the window seal before walking over beside the bed. “You’re a site for sore eyes,” he says leaning down for a gentle and careful hug. 

“TK… I…” 

“Shhh, I know. Grace insisted I come right away. Said I would be nothing but a distraction at work after getting your email,” he laughs. “She’s right, you know?”

TK pulls the chair closer to the bed, and he offers Carlos a tentative smile when he keeps a grip on TK’s wrist. “I’m not going anywhere,” TK reassures, laying his hand over Carlos’s on his wrist. 

“I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I’m here. For as long as you want me. I had the weekend off anyways, so now I just have a four-day weekend.” 

Carlos gives him a small nod being mindful of his stealing healing concussion. He can’t seem to take his eyes off TK. “I know this is going to be a dumb question considering,” TK says gesturing to the bandages and IVs. “But how are you really feeling? What have they told you?”

Carlos lets out a sigh as his gaze finds the ceiling for a moment. “Well, I have a broken ankle, six broken or cracked ribs, and a sprained wrist. They had to remove my appendix, and I ended up with an infection, but they say that’s almost cleared up. I have fifteen stitches from that, and then another ten where they removed the bullet in my shoulder. I have ten staples in the back of my head and a grade three concussion. They did a myriad of testing here and deemed I had PTSD, and yea they definitely want me to see a therapist.”

TK lets his thumb drift back and forth along Carlos’s hand as he talks. When it seems like Carlos has said all he’s going to say for the moment, TK takes the chance and laces their hands together. He gives Carlos’s a gentle squeeze. “That’s a lot,” he whispers. “Carlos I can’t… I can’t begin to imagine or understand what you’ve been through and what you’re going to be going through healing. But… I can say, if you find the right therapist, you might be surprised how much it helps. And I’m not going anywhere. Whatever you need, whenever you need it.”

Carlos gives him another small nod. “I appreciate that TK. I just… I don’t think I can talk about it right now. Things are still a little fuzzy anyways and I just…”

“Hey, no that’s not what I meant. We can talk about anything you want. Or you can just rest. This is at your pace Carlos.”

Carlos gives him a small smile. “Tell me about home? What have I missed? Charlie’s not going to be mad I’m stealing her favorite person for the weekend is she?” he teases.

“No, I'd say Charlie will be fine. Grace said Judd was off for forty-eight, so he’s on baby duty while she works Saturday. So she’ll be plenty spoiled,” he laughs. He does get his phone out and shows Carlos new pictures and videos he’s missed out on.

“Man, she’s grown,” he murmurs, flipping through the pictures on TK’s phone.

“Yea. She’s almost ten months old. Grace is already trying to gather ideas for a first birthday party.”

“I’m sure it’ll be wonderful,” Carlos agrees. TK can tell he’s starting to wear out, so he takes the phone back not wanting to aggravate his concussion symptoms any. “Rest. I’ll still be here,” he assures before Carlos can protest. TK dims the light in the room, and it’s not long and Carlos is falling asleep. He scrolls through his phone and flips through the channels making sure to keep things quiet while Carlos rests. Nurses come and go; TK sends Grace a text letting her know he is ok, and after about two hours of being there, an older couple comes in, catching TK off guard. Just by looking at them, he knows it must be Carlos’s parents.

“Hi. I was just… um…” he moves to head for the door, but Carlos starts waking up and they’re all just kind of frozen in the moment.

“Mami, Papa?” he questions, his face squinching adorably in confusion.

“Si mijo,” Andrea says, coming closer and running a hand through his hair.

“I’m just…” TK motions to the door once more.

“You don’t have to leave on our account son,” Gabriel says.

“TK,” Carlos says, finally realizing TK was still there after his dad addressed him. TK turns toward him seeing the wide-eyed look on his face.

“It’s fine,” TK assures, but Carlos shakes his head. He doesn’t want TK to leave, and he almost feels panic at the thought of TK leaving. TK notices the change in the monitors, so he walks back closer. “Or I can stay. That’s fine too. Whatever you want,” he assures.

A nurse pokes her head in to make sure everything is ok, and TK gives her a kind smile promising everything is fine. She reminds them to buzz if not, and then she’s gone. TK offers his seat to Andrea or Gabriel, but they both wave him off. Gabriel does get Andrea a chair for the other side of the bed and then stands behind her. “This is TK. He works at Grace’s bakery,” Carlos finally gets out after a couple minutes of slowing his breathing. “TK this is my parents Andrea and Gabriel.”

“Oh TK! We’ve heard so much about you. We feel like we already know you,” Andrea gushes, causing both boys to share wide-eyed looks.

“Mi amor,” Gabriel gently shushes.

“Oh stop it. We do and you know it.”

“I… uh… well hope it was all good things,” TK says clearly surprised by this development.

“Oh it was. The girls rave about you and your baking skills. We’ve been meaning to stop in at the bakery, but the ranch keeps us so busy and with Gabriel still working we just haven’t found the time. And…”

“Mi amor,” Gabriel interrupts her once more. She looks over her shoulder at him with a look Carlos knows would make any one of the kids cave in a heartbeat, but Gabriel just gives her one back and nods towards the boys. She turns back to them, and finally takes in both of their wide-eyed expressions.

“Oh querido,” she sighs before squeezing Carlos’s non-injured hand. “Your sisters have been meddling again, haven’t they?”

TK chokes on a barely suppressed laugh as Carlos just sighs. “When aren’t they meddling mama?”

TK does snort a laugh this time, making Carlos grin at him. “They are very persistent mam. But they haven’t been a bother. I just hope they’ve told you all good things.”

“Of course, of course. They have nothing but praise for you.” TK actually blushes at that which Carlos finds just adorable. He turns his attention back to his parents to see how long they’re planning on staying that day. They’ve been there every day since he returned, but he also knows they have a lot of things at home to be taking care of as well.

Andrea had planned on staying well into the night, but Gabriel could tell that there was more to TK’s visit and maybe they’d unintentionally interrupted. Before they can agree on how long they’re going to stay the doctor stops in for his daily rounds. They don’t foresee Carlos having to have any more surgeries, and he’s already been in contact with a therapist at St. David’s. They’re hopeful to have him moved the beginning of next week. They thank the doctor, and then he's gone.

Gabriel suggests that maybe they go get some lunch for the boys that isn’t hospital food and then head home. They already have Carlos’s room ready for when he’s actually discharged, but there’s still some things that will need to be done. They get the boys’ orders, Carlos not really hungry, but agreeing to try something, and then they’re gone.

“Sorry about that,” Carlos murmurs once it’s just them again.

“Nothing to apologize for. I would’ve been surprised if they hadn’t shown up honestly.”

 “Yea well, you see where my sisters get it from now,” he grins, making TK laugh.

“Yes I do,” he chuckles. “But I don’t mind Carlos. Your family is wonderful, just like you.” His parents return with the food before too much more is said. They stay and eat with the boys, TK able to convince Carlos to try more than he would’ve normally, and Andrea feels good knowing TK will be staying with her baby. They hug Carlos and then Andrea pulls TK into a hug whispering a quiet thank you, before she’s pulling away and leaving with Gabriel. He’s not sure what she’s thanking him for, but he has a feeling he’s going to be spending a lot of time with them and learning a whole lot more about the Reyes in the coming days, weeks, and months. Because now that he has Carlos back, he’s not going to be letting him go so easily.

Carlos is moved to St. David’s on Sunday, and everyone is relieved that he’s at least back in Austin. TK is working day shift, not opening or closing, all week, and he has a sneaky suspicion Grace did it on purpose. She claims she doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but he’s able to drop Carlos breakfast, check on him, and bring food for dinner all week. 

He stays with dinner each night and visits until he can see Carlos is too worn out. He’s been doing therapy and rehab almost daily, and TK can tell it’s taking a toll. He does his best not to pry and let Carlos tell him things as he wants. Carlos doesn’t talk much about the therapy sessions, but after two weeks of TK consistently visiting with dinner, Carlos decides to ask him the question that’s been on his mind.

TK can tell something is on Carlos’s mind the whole time they eat, but as usual he doesn’t pry. Once he’s thrown away their trash, he settles into what���s become his chair and just waits him out. He’s dying to ask, but he’s using everything he’s learned from his own therapists over the years, to give Carlos the space to say what he needs to say when he’s ready. TK makes a note to thank his therapist the next time he sees her. 

“Can I ask you something?” Carlos finally asks as TK starts flipping through the channels. 

“Always,” TK smiles, setting the remote down and giving Carlos his undivided attention. 

Carlos won’t look at him; instead his fingers twist the blanket covering his legs repeatedly. “You said, back at Fort Sam, that if I find the right therapist I might be surprised.” 

“I did say that, and I meant it.” TK lays his hand over Carlos’s to still his nervous, restless movement. 

“How do you know if they’re the right one?” 

TK gives him a soft chuckle and squeezes his hand. Carlos does eventually meet his eyes. “You’ll feel extremely comfortable talking to them, almost like this, and you’ll start to see things in a new light. You won't just focus on the tragedy anymore.” 

Carlos just stares at him for the longest, and TK just gives him a soft smile. “I’ve been through my fair share of therapy over the years,” he shrugs. “Sometimes it takes a while to find a good one, and other times you get lucky.” He gives Carlos a minute to think that over. “I take it therapy might not be going so well?” TK hedges when it seems like Carlos might not say anymore. 

Carlos lets out a soft sigh before shrugging. “Been doing group therapy for two weeks, but..  I hate it. I can see a therapist separate from that, but I don’t really like any here.” 

TK hums before he pulls out his phone. He sends a text before turning his attention back to Carlos. “It took a couple tries before I found one I liked too. I finally connected with one in New York; she was truly amazing. And then when I moved here, my therapist in New York did some research for me and found the one I’ve been with here. I just text her to see what her recommendation would be.” 

Carlos doesn’t know what to say to that; he’s speechless. “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her any specifics. If you have to complete a certain amount here, before they release you we can figure something out, but I stand by my thoughts. With the right therapist, you’re going to get past this. You’ll never forget, but you’ll be ok.” 

Carlos is thankful in that moment more than he can express, and he gives TK a soft smile and a squeeze of his hand, hoping he’ll understand. They spend the rest of the night watching some TV and just enjoying each other’s company until Carlos falls asleep and TK heads home. Carlos is discharged over the weekend; his injuries are healing enough that they send him home. His ankle is still in a cast; his ribs still give him trouble; his wrist is still wrapped, but almost healed so he uses crutches. He texts TK once he’s settled at the ranch. He’s going to miss their nightly dinners, but TK is back to opening this coming week, so he’s not sure he would’ve seen him as much anyways. 

TK is glad Carlos is home, but he is going to miss their nightly dinners as well. He text Carlos off and on throughout the day over the weekend. Carlos is already complaining about being bored because with his ribs still healing, using the crutches isn’t that fun so he’s trying not to move too much. His mother and sisters are hovering too, and while he gets it, he’s also been used to being on his own. TK offers him his sympathies and tells him if he ever wants to get out, TK will gladly spring him. 

During the next week, they text a lot. TK’s therapist had made a house call to visit Carlos, and she’s currently working on getting him set up with someone she thinks he will connect with and will be able to help him. Carlos is grateful and lets TK know. 

I don’t think I can thank you enough for having Kelsey help. I liked her when she was here, so I’m hopeful she’ll find someone. 

You don’t have to thank me. I know how hard it can be when you don’t connect with the person. And it’s partially selfish on my part to want to help you. I’ve kinda come to depend on you just as much, and I don’t want to lose you. 

Carlos smiles as he reads TK’s text. Oh yea? Well I kinda depend on you too. I don’t… I don’t know that I would’ve survived the last two weeks without you. 

I disagree. You would’ve made it. I just brought dinner. 

You did more than that Ty and you know it. Those dinners were the highlights of my days. 

Mine too :) 

Carlos thinks over his next text very carefully. It’s only been a week, but he misses seeing TK’s face. He knows TK has been opening and is probably worn out with it being the week before a holiday, but he really wants to see him. He still can’t drive so he decides to take a risk. 

Would you want to come out here for dinner? I know you’ve been opening, and it’s probably been crazy at the bakery so you can definitely say no. I was just thinking it would be nice to see you again. 

He spent the next twenty minutes until TK was able to respond, spiraling that maybe he overstepped. Maybe TK was glad he wasn’t having to see him every day. Maybe he was just going to be nice and say yes so as not to upset him. It took him a whole two minutes before he was able to read TK’s reply because he was building himself up for rejection. 

I would love to. I’ve missed our nightly dinners. Want me to bring some burritos from the taco truck? 

Carlos couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face and the breath of relief he let out. 

Yea. That would be great. I think my parents are going out tonight so it’ll just be me and still not getting around enough to cook. 

Don’t worry about it. Burritos on me. Text me the address. I get off at 1 and will take a nap before I come out.

Carlos double checks that tonight is his parents monthly date night out, and then he texts TK the address to the ranch. He spends the rest of the day getting ready. He takes a shower and dresses in something other than sweats. He makes sure the living room is picked up and the dining table looks ok even though he knows he gets his cleanliness from his mom and the house will be spotless. 

Once his parents leave, he camps out on the couch and tries to occupy his mind not to spiral or stress out. Carlos knows the Army reinforced his control freak tendency, and not being in control, much less able to do anything, really wrecked havoc with his mind. TK text him when he was leaving town, making sure the burritos were the only thing he needed to bring. Carlos got up and went to the kitchen; Andrea had made some guacamole and salsa earlier that day, so he got it and some chips and carefully carried them to the table. It wasn’t the easiest to do with his crutches, but he made it work. He was just getting glasses for drinks out, when he heard the knock on the screen door. 

“Come in,” he called out, as he hobbled to the kitchen entrance. TK looked worn out even though he’d napped, and Carlos felt bad he’d asked him to come out tonight. 

“Hey,” TK smiled. It lit up his whole face making Carlos smile. 

“Hey, I was just getting drinks.” 

“Go sit. There’s no way you can carry glasses on crutches. Just tell me where everything is and I’ll get it.” He drops the bag of burritos on the table raising his eyebrows at the chips, salsa and guac already there. 

“I’ve learned to adapt,” he shrugs, before listing off drink options in the fridge letting TK get them. 

TK quickly pours them drinks and then joins Carlos at the table. “Are these homemade?” he asks, gesturing to the dips. 

“Yep. Mami made them this morning. They’re a staple around here,” he grins, as he digs into his burrito. 

“I can see why,” TK mumbles around bites of food. He lets out a sexy moan as he tries the homemade dips. “These are amazing.” 

Carlos chuckles softly. “Yea Mami is an excellent cook. She made sure we could all cook as well. I can’t wait to get back to it either. I need something to do.” 

“Wait, you can cook?” 

“Yea. I like it. Helps me relax. Getting lost in a recipe, working with my hands, I’ve always liked it,” he shrugs like it’s no big deal. 

“Well, I can’t wait to try your food because if it’s half as good as this, you might not ever get rid of me,” he laughs. 

Carlos gives him another one of those bashful smiles like he can’t believe TK is real. “I wouldn’t mind that,” he murmurs softly as he feels the blush spread across his cheeks. 

TK gives him another soft smile before talk turns to the bakery and how busy it’s been with Labor Day weekend. TK is glad to have the weekend off to recover. After they talk about weekend plans, TK asks how Carlos’s doctor appointment that week went and what they’re saying about his recovery. Carlos fills TK in on all the doctor appointments; they’re pleased with the rate he is healing, and they’re going to take the stitches and staples out mid-week next week. 

His discharge papers from the Army came in the mail, and he still has mixed feelings about it. He tries to share about it while they eat, but he can’t seem to find the words which frustrates him. “Hey, it’s ok. Some things are harder to share than others, and when you’re ready you will,” TK murmurs squeezing his arm in support. 

Carlos gives him an appreciative nod, but he is still frustrated. They’re mostly done with dinner, so TK starts cleaning up. “Why don’t you go get comfy, and I’ll join you in just a minute,” he suggests. Carlos hates not being able to do anything because TK is the guest here, and should not be cleaning up, but he also knows if he tries to do much, they’ll end up with a bigger mess. 

“Yea, ok.” He hobbles his way to the couch and once he’s as comfortable as he’s going to get, he runs his hands through his curls giving them a tug now that his hair has gotten longer since being home. It relieves the stress he’s feeling to a degree, but he can also hear TK moving around in the kitchen and it amps the stress back up. He’s so lost in his own head he doesn’t hear TK join him on the couch. 

“Carlos,” TK says quietly, not reaching out to touch Carlos even though he really wants to. 

Carlos startles a little, but he drops his hands and looks at TK. “Sorry, I just…” He trails off when the words won’t come and he feels anxiety bubbling to the surface. TK tentatively reaches his hand out, and when Carlos doesn’t flinch away, he lays a hand on Carlos’s forearm giving it a gentle squeeze.

TK lets out a slow breath, his mind made up that now is the time to share more about how much he truly understands Carlos right now. No he didn’t go through something as traumatic, but he gets it more than he suspects anyone else does. “Can I share something with you, so you’ll understand that I can understand where you’re coming from? It’s going to be a lot and I’m going to need to say it all at once, and I don’t know that now is the time to really be sharing this because you’re still recovering from your own trauma, but I want you to know that on some levels I get it, and I want to be there for you.” 

TK slowly met Carlos’s eyes, and Carlos gave him a nod. “I’ll always listen to anything you say,” he murmurs. TK gives him a grateful smile and a nod before letting out a deep breath. He tells Carlos about his childhood and his parents’ divorce. He tells Carlos about middle school and falling into the wrong crowd of friends. He explains how he ended up starting drinking at a young age which then led to smoking some weed which led to harder stuff. He tells Carlos everything about his first rehab stay and how it actually got his parents attention, but ultimately it didn’t last and neither did his sobriety. From there he talks about meeting his therapist in NYC after his second rehab stay and how she was the one to encourage him to follow his love of baking. He finishes with more details on how he actually ended up in Austin and with Grace’s bakery. 

Carlos doesn’t say anything the entire time. He does as promised and just listens to TK talk. He feels his heart breaking for the man in front of him and all the pain he’s endured. “I know it’s a lot and this probably wasn’t the time,” TK sighs softly. 

“No. No, TK. I appreciate it. I… I.” Carlos runs his hands over his face as he tries to gather his thoughts into a coherent sentence. “I can’t even explain how much it means to me that you shared all that. I know it took a lot.” He lets his hand cup and brush TK’s cheek before pulling back. “It means the world that you trust me like that,” he whispers so softly. 

TK gives him an exhausted smile and a nod. “I know this isn’t easy on you, and you’re getting frustrated easily, but I just wanted you to know that I mean it when I say I get it and that you can come to me with anything. I’ll do everything I can to help.” 

They change the subject to more lighter topics for another hour before Carlos can’t ignore the exhaustion radiating off TK. He offers the guest room for him, but TK doesn’t want to impose and heads home instead. He promises to let Carlos know he makes it, and stay in contact. Carlos spends the night turning over TK’s words and all their interactions. He reads back through some of their emails, soaking up TK’s words. 

It’s another couple of days before he hears from Kelsey, but she has him an appointment with her friend Wesley for after his follow-up with the doctor to remove his stitches and check his ribs. He lets his mom know since she will be the one taking him to the follow-up. He text TK the update and TK tells him he can meet him for the appointment if he’d like. Carlos asks if they can meet after instead. He wants to be able to do this; he knows he needs the help even if it goes against everything he ever thought. TK readily agrees and they decide to meet at the bakery and then TK will take him back to the ranch later. 

The appointments go smoother than Carlos expected. His stitches and staples are removed; he has some more x-rays of his ribs, and he’s given another follow up appointment for his ankle. He loathes the crutches, but now that his ribs are mostly healed and his wrist doesn't hurt as much, they’re easier to use. His appointment with Wesley is a lot of getting to know each other and making sure Wesley has all the needed information. What Carlos can’t remember, his medical and military records fill in for now. The questions are easy and Carlos seems to connect with Wesley; it helps that Wesley has previously worked with former and active military members. 

Carlos feels surprisingly comfortable with Wesley, and it helps that they don’t dig into the trauma first thing. Before he knows it, the hour is up and Wesley is getting him on the schedule for in just a couple days. He wants to keep his first few appointments close together so they can build that relationship and start working on helping him heal. Wesley explains that after the first two or three appointments the rest will be spaced out to once a week, unless Carlos feels he needs more, and then they’ll continue to decrease as Carlos continues to manage his PTSD. 

Carlos spends time with TK after his appointment with Wesley; he can feel their friendship bordering on that relationship line, but he also knows he’s not exactly in a place to get in a relationship just yet. Thankfully, TK understands that, and doesn’t pressure him for more. He’s comfortable and content himself, but it feels good that they both can acknowledge their feelings for each other and their desire for more. 

They continue to text almost every day, and some days they even share phone conversations when Carlos just needs to hear TK’s voice to remind himself everything is still very much real. They spend time together on TK’s days off, and once Carlos is cleared to drive, he gains the majority of his independence back. His mother still hovers and his sisters still annoy him, but he doesn’t complain; he’s just thankful he still has this time with them. He’s been home for almost two months, when his trunk arrives from the Army. 

He stares at it for the longest on the front porch before he even moves. He’s been moved from a cast to a walking boot, and he knows he could get it inside and to his room, but it feels too daunting to do on his own.  He hovers over TK’s contact for the longest, but eventually settles on sending him a text. 

Call me when you can talk.

He knows that’s a random, out-of-the-blue text to send TK when he knows TK is at work, but he doesn’t think any of his family will understand, and he doesn’t want to bother Wesley when he’s almost certain he’ll have a client. Carlos has an appointment with him tomorrow anyways, so it’ll be a good thing to discuss. Their sessions have kinda stalled anyways, as Carlos’s memory of the attack still hasn’t returned, but he knows Wesley is doing all he can to give him coping mechanisms. They’ve discussed his feelings on practically everything, except the attack, but Carlos feels like this delivery has set him on edge more than it should. 

He doesn’t have long to spiral in his thoughts before his phone is ringing in his hand and a picture of TK and Charlie is staring back at him. He’d set it as TK’s contact photo, and he loves how much he gets to see it. “Hey,” he answers. 

“Hey yourself. Everything ok?” 

Carlos can hear background noise of the kitchen, and he regrets that he’s worried TK enough to interrupt his shift. “I’m not sure. I’m fine,” he says before TK can really start to panic. “But I got my personal things from the Army today, and I….” 

“Oh,” TK lets out a soft breath, and Carlos can hear him moving around and then the background noise is gone. “What do you need Carlos?” he asks so gently.

“I…” Carlos feels his nails digging into his skin, and he takes a minute to do some of the breathing exercises Wesley has taught him. “I think I need someone here to help me open it,” he finally gets out. 

TK is glad Carlos can’t see his smile; he’s so happy he’s reaching out for help, and that Carlos wants that help to come from him. He feels his heart breaking a little at how much anxiety he hears in Carlos’s voice though. He checks the clock to see how much longer he has left of his shift before he answers. “I finish my shift in about thirty minutes. I need to run home and change because I’m covered in flour, but I can be there in a little over an hour. Are you going to be ok until then? If not I can go ahead and leave now.”

“No, no, don’t do that.” Carlos hates the thought of TK leaving in the middle of his shift just for him. “I’ll be fine til you get here. Ma has gone shopping with the girls and dad is still at work. Then he’ll go straight to the barn to check in with the hands. I… I’m going to try and get it to my room. There’s no reason I can’t; I’ve just….. When they dropped it off and I had to sign for it, they left it on the porch, and I…. I just froze. I’ve been sitting here in the swing staring at it. I…” 

“Carlos, breathe,” TK murmurs, exaggerating his own breath to stop Carlos’s spiral. “I get it. If you can’t get it there, just leave it and I’ll help you once I’m there. But it’s going to be ok. I promise. I’ve got to get this cake out of the oven, and then I’ll be there. Hour tops ok?” 

Carlos lets out a shaky breath. “Yea… yea I’ll be ok.” 

“If you’re not call me back, but I’ll see you soon.” They hang up and Carlos checks the time. He’s fine; he can make it an hour until TK gets here. He ends up sitting on the porch for another forty-five minutes before he makes his way over to the trunk. He carefully picks it up, and it’s not until he does that he notices an envelope on top. He carries the trunk to his room, and sits it down on the floor as he sinks to his bed. He picks up the envelope carefully, turning it over, inspecting everything. 

The return address is what makes him catch his breath. He stares at, until he feels himself gasping. It falls from his hands as he doubles over, feeling the tears stream down his cheeks unbidden. He’s gasping for air, and that’s how TK finds him. “Carlos! Hey, hey, hey. It’s ok,” TK soothes. He gently pushes Carlos back up to sitting, and he takes one of Carlos’s hands and lays against his own chest. “We’re just going to breathe ok?” Carlos sorta nods so TK takes that as his cue to slow down his breathing. He murmurs softly to Carlos the whole time until Carlos is able to steadily breathe on his own. 

TK tentatively reaches up and wipes the tears off Carlos’s cheeks, and he’s thankful when Carlos doesn’t flinch back. He stays kneeling on the floor in front of him and gives him a few minutes to compose himself. “Wanna tell me what happened?” TK asks softly. He sees the trunk on the floor near the bed, but he’s not sure if that was the trigger or not. Carlos shakes his head, but he points at an envelope on the floor beside TK. “May I?” TK asks, pointing to it as well. 

Carlos gives him a shaky nod and lays back on his bed feeling exhausted. TK carefully picks up the envelope, and upon seeing the return address, he instantly knows what happened. He climbs up on the bed still holding the envelope. “Oh Carlos. I’m so sorry,” he whispers, giving Carlos’s hand a squeeze. Carlos still isn’t able to say anything and is just staring at the ceiling. 

TK just lays back beside him, still holding his hand, following his lead. “I didn’t see it til I picked the trunk up to carry it in. I didn’t see the address til I got in here.” His voice is soft and slightly hoarse sounding, but TK knows that’s just from all the gasping. 

“What can I do?” 

Carlos rolls his head to look at TK. TK can see the tears still swimming in his eyes, and he can’t stop himself from reaching up to wipe under his lids. Carlos is holding his other hand like a lifeline, and TK doesn’t even consider letting it go. “Just be here, for now,” he finally whispers. 

“Always.” TK gives him a sad smile, as they lay there letting Carlos process his thoughts. After several minutes, he finally sits up, pulling TK with him. “I don’t even remember what all is in here,” he sighs, dragging the trunk over to the bed. 

“Well I’d be happy to find out with you,” he grins. He lets Carlos undo the lock and flip the lid open. On top is his laptop; he hadn’t even realized he was missing it. Underneath was his old cell phone, a couple of notebooks, some pictures of his family he’d taken with him, his shoes and clothes, and at the very bottom was the letters he’d written to his family, Colton, and TK. “Is this….” TK trails off, unable to ask the question burning through his brain when he pulls out the envelopes from the bottom of the trunk. 

Carlos nods but answers TK verbally as well. “Yea… It’s…. It’s the same thing laying here,” he whispers, picking up the envelope on the bed beside him. 

“There’s one for me?” 

Carlos gives him a rueful smile as he nods. “Of course. You are one of my best friends TK. There was a lot at the time that I couldn’t say to you, but that I wanted you to know if something were to ever happen. I prayed you never got that letter, but I knew I had to write it because war is so uncertain.” 

TK lays the letters back into the top of the trunk before rejoining Carlos on the bed. Carlos is staring at the envelope in his hands and TK runs a hand up his back hoping to provide him some level of comfort. “Do you want to read it?” He feels Carlos tense beneath his hands, but TK just keeps rubbing his back. 

“I don’t know that I can.” 

“That’s ok. You’ll be able to read it one day. It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow or even next week. But you’re going to want to know what he said, and you’ll get to the place where you can read it. Doesn’t mean it won’t bring a ton of pain, but you’ll be able to get through it.” 

Carlos is quiet once more as he continues to stare at it. “I don’t think I want to read it with Wesley tomorrow, but…. I wouldn’t mind reading it with you.” 

“I’d be honored,” TK whispers, giving Carlos a side hug. Carlos shakily opens the envelope and pulls out a couple pieces of paper. TK’s hand never stops moving on his back and Carlos appreciates the simple gesture more than he’d ever be able to tell him. The familiar handwriting comes into focus, but Carlos can already tell it’s going to be blurred by tears. 

“I…” He trails off not sure what he’s going to ask for, as he wipes the tears once more. “Could you…” He holds the letter out to TK, and he sighs as TK takes it from him. 

“Are you sure? I don’t mind, but I want to make sure you’re ok with me reading this.” 

“I’m sure. I…. I don’t think I could get through all of it because of the tears.” 

“That’s ok,” TK reassures him, before turning his attention to the pages before him. He clears his throat and begins to read. 

TK pauses waiting to see if Carlos is going to do it, and he can’t help but smile when Carlos follows the count exactly as Colton detailed.

Carlos,

My man, my best friend, the other half of the double C duo. I know I don’t do sappy shit, but for you I do. If you’re reading this then the worst actually happened. I almost didn’t write one of these because in my eyes we’re both invincible, but I took your words to heart and wrote a couple of these. If you’re reading this, it means that not only am I gone, but you’re still here. I don’t know what that means for you, physically at least, but I know how you think, and how you operate. On some level you’re going to be blaming yourself whether it was your fault or not. I’m going to say no matter how it happens it wasn’t your fault and don’t blame yourself. I’m also going to say to breathe. In for five, hold for five, out for five. Don’t ever forget that when you’re feeling like the world is too much and the panic creeps in. In for five, hold for five, out for five. It’s never let you down yet. Before you read any further I want you to do that. Breathe.

I’m also going to say I hope you’re not reading this alone. I hope someone, maybe even TK if you two ever got your head out of your asses, is there with you. Don’t close yourself off Carlos. You’re too good for this world not to be surrounded by people. Don’t let whatever happens be what closes you off. I would say don’t let it change you, but that would be hypocritical. I know if something were to happen to you, it would change me, but I don’t want you to become a shell of who you are. You’re one of the best friends a guy could ever ask for, and I was the luckiest guy around when we connected at Benning. I was even luckier when we worked so well together we got to stay together as a partnership. You made my life brighter, better, and you don’t know how many times I’ve said thank you, that you became my best friend. 

Carlos you deserve the world man and I hope you get it. I hate I'm not going to be here to see it, but know I'm never far away. Make sure you dump everything out of the envelope too. I sent something else with this. Something I want you to have because I know you'll cherish it. 

TK pauses once more as Carlos picks up the envelope and dumps it out finding Colt's gold cross necklace. He stifles another sob as he turns it over and over in his hand. It's so thin and he's not surprised he missed it when he pulled the letter out. TK gives him another minute before he continues reading. 

I'm guessing you found it. You know what that cross meant to me and I added it to your envelope just before our last mission. You know I had bad feelings about the mission to begin with, so I rewrote this so I could tell you everything I never did. I'm guessing that last mission probably did me in, and Carlos I'm going to say it again. It wasn't your fault. No matter what, don't blame yourself. 

Go home. Have a life. Fall even more in love with the green eyed boy from the city. And don't deny it. TK if you're there reading this with him, and I think you might be just from what I've heard about you, stay with him. He's worth it. And he might not say it yet, but he loves you. Like a lot man. I've never seen him happier than when he comes back from leave or after he gets an email or talks to you. You make him happy. 

TK chokes a laugh at the fact Colton addressed him in a letter to Carlos. Carlos shakes his head with a slight smile as he wipes his eyes. "He never let me get away with any bullshit," Carlos whispers. 

TK leans over and gives Carlos’s hand a squeeze. "I know nothing is going to make this better for a while, but he sounds like a great friend." He gives him another moment before finishing the letter.

I should probably wrap this up. We're leaving out in five. Carlos, don't ever forget your training and what this life has taught you, but once you're out, move on. Have a life. Don't dwell on this, on the deployments, on the things we saw and did. Don't let me being gone hold you back. I lived my life doing what I loved, and died doing the same. Can't ask for more than that. I knew there was a chance I'd never make it home, but somehow I always knew you would. Live a life you'd be proud of, have the family you never let yourself dream about and find something you're going to enjoy doing for a career. And just know wherever life takes you, I'll always be looking down on you. I love you brother. 

Colt

TK carefully folded the letter and laid it down on top of the trunk. He stayed silent with one hand still laced with Carlos’s as Carlos tried to catch his breath and stop the tears. "You're stronger than you know," he whispers. He softly leans up and wipes some of the tears. "And Colt was right about a lot of things in that letter." 

Carlos gives him a shaky nod, his hand not in TK's gripping the cross necklace. "Want me to put that on for you?" TK asks him carefully. Carlos gives him another shaky nod and hands the necklace to TK.  TK is careful as he clasps the thin chain around Carlos’s neck. Carlos lays back against the bed once more feeling complete exhaustion. "Would you like me to go so you can rest?" 

Carlos grabs onto TK's arm quickly to keep him from moving. His breathing even picked up a little. "Please don't leave." 

"Ok, ok I won't go anywhere," TK promises as he stretches out beside Carlos. He starts softly talking, about anything that comes to mind to distract Carlos enough to rest. He tells him about the bakery and the latest things Charlie has done. He tells him about things Marjan and Paul have told him about from the firehouse and before he knows it Carlos is asleep. TK pulls the blankets up around him and just watches him sleep. He makes a silent promise to Carlos and to Colt that he'll do everything possible to protect Carlos’s heart. Colt might know how much Carlos loves TK but he didn't know that TK felt the same. And one day they'd get into all that, but for now he's happy and content to just be his friend and help him heal. 

It’s another two months from the time Carlos received his personal items from the army and the letter from Colt before his memories of that fateful day start creeping in. It starts as a nightmare when he’s staying over at TK’s, both of them deciding to take their friendship into a relationship after their day with Colt’s letter. He wakes with a scream that could wake the dead. TK is instantly awake and trying to calm him down. It takes a few tries but Carlos does finally settle enough to go back to sleep. Another time, they’re walking through the park walking the dog TK decided to adopt when he hears a truck backfire. He ducks jerking TK down with him before he’s frozen caught in another memory. He has several flashbacks at different times, and each time they steal his breath and leave him feeling helpless. 

He works through every flashback and attack with Wesley, but it’s not enough that he gets a full picture of that day or how to handle it. He hasn’t been able to share it with TK yet either. He doesn’t want to bring him that pain, but he also wants to have the full memory back so he doesn’t have to repeat it more than once. He works with Wesley on attempts to recall the rest of his memory, but it seems fruitless. Wesley promises him that it will return in full, and that once his mind feels ready to process it all, he will. Carlos isn’t sure he believes him, but so far Wesley hasn’t led him astray. 

It’s a random Thursday afternoon; Carlos is at the bakery with TK. He’s taken to spending some time in the kitchen with him, at Grace’s insistence once TK let it slip that he could cook. Grace was trying to convince him to come to work as a chef, so they could expand into a bakery and café, but he wasn’t that confident in his skills just yet. He’d considered it because he was getting bored and restless, especially when TK was at work, and there was only so much he could do around the ranch when his dad still paid hands to work during the days. But he wasn’t ready to commit just yet. 

He’s helping TK by kneading some dough for homemade bread when it happens. His hands punch the bread down before the second proof, and he just freezes. He no longer sees the bakery kitchen; he’s back in the sand and dessert. 

They’re rolling through the streets heading to attempt a rescue for a member of another unit that had been taken hostage by a group of jihadist. The mood is different than normal, more somber, less joking. Colt is sitting to his left and instead of their usual joking manner, he’s staring out the window, gun at the ready. “Hey, you good?” Carlos leans over and asks him. Colt finally looks at him and nods. “I’m telling ya, something don’t feel right about this.” 

Carlos gives him a nod in understanding. He has to admit that their rescue plans seem rushed, but he also gets the urgency. “We’ll be fine. We’ll get set-up up high, and we’ll cover them as they go in. In and out.” 

Colt lets out a sigh but nods, turning his attention back to the road. In the next instant they hear the explosion, and look ahead to see the lead humvee being blown to bits. He feels Colt grab his arm as their own humvee comes to a stop. “Let’s go,” Colt grunts throwing open his door and scanning the area all around them. Carlos leaves his sniper rifle and makes sure his gun is loaded before following Colt out. They stand back to back as the other humvees unload. “We can’t stay here. We’re too open,” Carlos yells, hearing Colt agree. They move as one towards the front to check for survivors, like they’re trained, before they hear gunfire ringing around them. 

They see one of the other humvees fighting off what would be kidnappers, and Carlos and Colt duck behind one of the humvees. “What do we do?” Carlos asks breathlessly, hoping Colt would have some answers. 

“We fight,” he says decisively, and Carlos agrees with him. The next few minutes are a blur of bullets, yelling, explosions, blood, and tears. Carlos isn’t sure how long it goes on, but he never loses sight of his partner. The next instant seems like fast forward and slow motion all rolled into one. Colt is facing down a terrorist and Carlos feels frozen. Colt screams at him to run, but Carlos doesn’t. He opens fire around them; there’s no way he’s letting Colt become a kidnapped victim; he doesn’t even register the bullet he takes to his shoulder as he’s firing like crazy. Colt draws his pistol and fires some shots, disregarding the gun that had been trained on him when he sees a sniper in the distance aiming at Carlos. Carlos watches as bullets from nearby men pierce through Colt, and it’s only later he realizes he is screaming knowing what this could mean for his best friend. 

Colt shoves him out of the way at the last second, and it’s only then Carlos realizes Colt took the kill shot from the sniper for him. Most of their unit is down, injured or dead. Carlos is crawling over to Colt, begging and pleading that his best friend is ok, even though subconsciously he knows he’s not. He looks up at the man that had tried to kidnap Colt, and before Carlos can kill him, the man utters some words in Arabic that Carlos doesn’t understand, but he feels the bullet pierce through his side, and he knows this is it for him as well. His head hits Colt’s chest as he fights through the pain and he cries for his best friend. He passes out before he realizes that one of the humvees in the back called in support. Two weeks later he wakes in Germany, to learn he is the sole survivor of the attack. 

TK watches as Carlos freezes, his hands down in the dough, his breathing becoming ragged. He quickly grabs a stool and places it behind Carlos. He isn’t sure whether to touch him or not, never knowing what Carlos is going to be seeing or how he’ll react to touch, but he doesn’t want Carlos to fall and get hurt. “Babe?” he tries not really expecting a response. He yells out to Grace that he’s going to be tied up and to keep everyone out of the kitchen for a bit, and when she pokes her head in to see what’s up, she instantly understands. 

TK gently removes Carlos’s hand from the bread, and when his boyfriend is still unresponsive, he gently eases him down on the stool. “Carlos, I need you to breathe,” TK tries. Carlos is holding his breath, his eyes glazed over as he watches whatever his mind is showing him. “Fuck,” TK sighs, feeling absolutely helpless. 

He takes Carlos’s hand and places it against his own chest, exaggerating his breathing in the hopes Carlos will blindly follow it. He doesn’t but TK can see he’s starting to come back around after a few minutes. “Carlos. Breathe. Please breathe for me,” TK tries, cradling Carlos’s cheek. 

The touch to his cheek is like a snap back into reality, and if it wasn’t for TK’s grip on him, Carlos is sure he would’ve face planted off the stool. He’s gasping for air as TK holds him up. “Breathe babe. I’ve got you. Match my breathing,” he soothes. He doesn’t say it out loud, but he’s following the count Colt detailed in the letter, hoping Carlos will pick it up. It takes several starts and stops with gasps in between but when TK starts counting the breaths out loud, Carlos follows it.

“He… he…. He…” He breaks off into another sob that completely breaks TK’s heart. 

“Carlos it’s ok. Just breathe babe.”

He goes back to counting their breaths out loud until Carlos is getting air once more. “How bout you just sit here and breathe and I’m going to get you some water, clean up real quick and we’ll go home? Ok?” 

“You’re not…”

TK runs his hand through Carlos’s hair calming him as he silences him with a finger to his lips. “We’re done for today. Just let me pick this stuff up and tell Grace.” Carlos gives him a feeble nod as he works on stopping the tears and keeping his breaths even. TK speeds around the kitchen cleaning up their mess, being sure to keep an eye on Carlos. He lets Grace know they’re going to sneak out the back, and she makes him promise to let her know they’re ok later. He gives her a hug for being the best, and then he gets Carlos and they head for TK’s apartment. 

Once inside, he settles Carlos on the couch, Buttercup coming over to lay at his feet. Carlos reaches down and scratches the dog’s ears as TK puts their things away. “Do we need to call Wesley?” TK asks joining Carlos on the couch. 

Carlos shakes his head no before laying down on the couch with his head in TK’s lap. TK’s fingers card through his hair which really helps to relax him, as Carlos’s hand grips his necklace. “I remembered everything,” he finally whispers. He hears TK’s sharp inhale, but TK’s fingers don’t stop playing with his curls and Carlos is thankful. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” TK carefully asks. 

“I should. I’ve…” he takes another deep centering breath. “I’ve been wanting to tell you what all I remember as I've remembered, but I wasn’t sure I could repeat everything more than once.”

“That’s ok babe. Just share things as you are ready. This is about you not me.” 

“But I want you to know all of me, and this is a part of me.” 

TK gives him a soft smile. “I know. But we have all the time in the world to know everything about each other. Just take your time.” 

Carlos gives him a smile that’s tinged with sadness. “I used to think we had all the time in the world too. But losing Colt has made me realize we don’t always have as much time as we think.”

Carlos stops TK before he can apologize for his careless statement, and instead launches into what happened at the bakery. He tells TK everything in one go. He repeats some things TK already knows, like how he and Colt met and became best friends, but he shares everything from his time in the army. It feels good to get it all out there, even the parts he used to censor from his emails. Detailing the attack for TK is the hardest. Especially when it makes TK cry. Carlos gets it though; it’s a lot for someone who was there, he can’t imagine what hearing about it would be like. Especially when it was about someone you loved deeply. 

Carlos feels exhausted by the time he is done talking, but he feels like a weight has been lifted off his soul. TK leans down placing a soft kiss on his lips. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, but I’m so so so so damn proud of you for being able to talk about it. You are the strongest person I know, and truly my hero,” he grins, getting a watery smile from Carlos. “Colt would be proud of you too,” TK whispers after several minutes of silence. “I know it’s hard not to blame yourself, especially now that you remember, but just remember what he said to you in that letter, and know I’ll be here to remind you of it too.” 

Carlos ends up staying that night, and the next day Wesley is able to work him in. It’s great progress that Carlos was able to remember it all, and they work through his feelings on the attack. It takes a couple of weeks of going back to weekly sessions with Wesley before Carlos is able to believe that it wasn’t his fault his best friend died, and during that time TK stayed right by his side. Carlos might have lost his best friend ever, but he gained something as well. He gained a great love with a great guy, that he’s still not sure how he got so lucky to have. 

It takes a year of being home, and working through all the trauma of being the sole survivor from his unit, before Carlos is ready to focus on the future he wants for his life. He and TK moved in together after six months of dating; TK became Grace’s partner at the bakery; Charlie was more than happy at gaining a second uncle in Carlos and she thought both of them truly hung the moon. TK and Carlos visited Colton’s home town in North Carolina on the anniversary of the attack in Afghanistan. It felt like the last piece in healing, getting to say a proper goodbye to his brother. When they returned to Texas he finally took Grace up on the offer to try out being a chef and expand the bakery. They added seating and expanded the kitchen with the help of Judd and some of his buddies that worked construction. The café side officially opened and was a major hit in the town. Carlos was an excellent chef and it was a lot of fun getting to work with TK. He never thought he’d get to have this life, but he thanks his lucky stars every day that he does. And he knows somewhere out there Colt is looking down on him smiling that Carlos was able to move on and be happy. A year later he and TK get married in a small ceremony on the ranch, and two years later when he and TK finally expand their family using a surrogate, they welcome a gorgeous baby boy named Colton Jason after the uncle he’d never meet but would always know.

[wooahaes]

aight so.

if i write this darl+ing-inspired fic (i have no other name for it rn unfortunately), it’ll most likely be either split into two parts before it branches off for each individual member, or it’ll be one really long part because there’s a lot of set dressing and build up that i’m putting in place

if anyone wants give some feedback... which one would be better? i’m not against writing one really long part and posting it (there’d be a masterlist for the entire thing btw), but i’m also okay with cutting it down into smaller parts if i need to. i’d rather not go past 3 unless it gets really excessive, and i can’t really translate like... my plans from page/word count to how long they’d be as a fic (for example: enouement ended up being almost 14k and the plans doc for it was 14 pages and 7k words--which means, as this fic stands rn (still in planning for the first portion), it’ll be potentially 20k just for those first few parts, or it could potentially be less than 15k. it just depends on how i write since some of the bulletpoints are things i wrote for myself better in the future).

if i need to break it into more than 3, i will, but idk it just depends on what’s easier: 1 really long part, or 2-3(+) of just general stuff.

i just don’t feel right cutting it down at all since theres world building and relationship building between reader (who’s being nicknamed mouse atm, there’s a reason) and the 13 guys so that the romance in the individual parts feels like it has some solid ground.

[taelme]

Tattoo artist!Bang Chan

genre: tattoo artist!au, (fluff, slightly suggestive, this felt like slow burn to me lol) 

pairing/s:  Chan / Reader, ( some of the stray kids appear in this but not all sorry ) 

word count: 20k+ ( again, idk what happened my hand slipped ) 

tw: none!! just slightly suggestive but NO SMUT in this we keep it safe here bc im weak 

a/n: this was a ride....inspired by that one period of time ( PLS 191110 KAMP festival... ) Bang Chan kept wearing that fake lip piercing....n I love Bang Chan but like...I can't write smut for the life of me so this is the best I can do,... I put a mix in there I guess hope u guys like it!! ps gif not mine idk how many times I need to say this 

“Hi, welcome to peaches, what can I get you?”

You fumbled around in your bag for your wallet, looking up to make eye contact with the boy standing behind the counter, dark brown hair falling over his eyes slightly as he gave you an expectant look.

Taken aback by the sheer appeal of his looks, you avoided his gaze desperately, trying your best to calm yourself down as you wondered just why Felix wasn’t working today.

"Uh…I’ll just uh…I’ll get um. Can I have the peach thing?” you fumbled with your words, your hand going up to your head to scratch at your temple even though it wasn’t itching.

A small huff of laughter escaped the boy, your gaze darting up to look at him, somewhat curious to see what he would look like while laughing, but getting distracted by the shiny silver ring delicately hugging the corner of his lower lip, except this time you couldn’t bring yourself to look away.

“You mean the peach soda?” he quirked an eyebrow, giving you a small smirk.

You noticed a slight accent in the way he spoke, only serving to make you even more confused about just who he was, your mind wandering to possibilities on whether he was one of Felix’s friends from Australia.

Pursing your lips, you nodded quickly without paying attention to what he was asking you, trying to end your exchange quickly before your flushed skin became too obvious, thrusting your money forward and staring intently as he worked quickly at the register.

Holding the change out for you, you’d almost winced when the pads of your fingers brushed against the cool metal of his rings, hearing him thank you, mumbling something else that you couldn’t quite catch.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Name?” he prompted you again.

You made a sound of realization, remembering that this was your first time meeting him so he wouldn’t know your name, “Y/N,” you told him.

He made a small sound of intrigue, “nice name,” he murmured.

Thankfully you’d regained your sense of the situation before he could write your name on the cup, “wait, I’m not having it to-go,” you added quickly, not expecting to earn a chuckle from him.

“I know, sweetie, I asked you about that just know,” he raised his eyebrows at you, “I just wanted to know your name.”

Shoving your coins into your wallet, you thanked him quickly,  hastening your steps to find yourself a seat at the far corner of the room, away from the crowd of students playing board games but not too far away that your friend wouldn’t be able to spot you when they arrived.

Taking your phone out to pretend to fiddle with it, you couldn’t help the furtive ( you hoped, at least ) glances you stole at the said worker, your constant glances at him making you completely oblivious to what was actually going on around you, only snapping out of your thoughts with a start when you heard a loud thud on your table, your head snapping up quickly to spot your friend in the seat before you.

“Sorry I’m late. Did you wait long?” Jisung asked you, his hair in a mess from what you assumed was the cause of the thud.

“Huh?” you frowned, not hearing him quite well from how distracted you were, Jisung’s reply interrupted when you saw the cashier boy walking towards your table.

“Here’s your drink, sweetie,” he smiled, and in your desperation to avoid his gaze once again, you had noticed how only one of his hands was covered in a sleeve, something you knew people tended to do to cover tattoos.

You pretended you weren’t flustered, giving the boy a slight nod and looked elsewhere, fiddling with the straw in the soda, glaring at Jisung when he’d slid the glass from your hand slowly, raising both eyebrows in question while gesturing wildly with his head in the direction the cashier had walked off in.

“Who’s the hottie and why’s he calling you sweetie?” He wiggled his eyebrows, bringing the straw to his lips to take a long sip.

“Firstly, I want to know just as much as you do. Second of all, I don’t even know his name-”

“It’s Chris, I saw his nametag just now when you were too busy staring at God knows what,” Jisung rolled his eyes, leaning back in his seat to casually look at the counter, observing how Chris had brought a little juice box up to his mouth, fiddling with his phone as there were no customers in line.

“Why d’you think Felix suddenly hired him?” Jisung narrowed his eyes at Chris, making you shrug, wondering where Felix was, finding it oddly timely when Felix had chosen that time to enter the café, the bells dangling on top of the door jingling to announce his entrance. 


“He’s here, maybe we can just ask him,” you told Jisung, watching as Felix approached the counter with a wide grin.

Chris placed his phone down quickly, only to relax when he realised it was just Felix.

“Hey,” Felix nodded at Chris, turning to scan the room, waving at you and Jisung upon spotting the both of you.

Jisung waved his hand wildly to beckon Felix to your table, practically pulling him down into a squat next to your table, earning a wide-eyed look of confusion from Felix.

“Hi guys, everything alright?”

“Who is that! Your new hire!” Jisung used his head to nod in Chris’ direction, making Felix turn around in Chris’ direction before a knowing look washed over his face, his mouth curving into an ‘o’ shape, looking very much amused.

“I see you’ve met Chris?”

You nodded, “are you understaffed or something? I thought you said you don’t do part- timers?” You frowned.

Felix shook his head, jutting his lips out in a pout.

“Nope, I’ve been pretty busy these days with classes so I figured I could use some help, plus, he’s a friend of mine so I know I can trust him.” Felix grinned, holding his hands up beside his face in a thumbs up.

“He looks really….” You began, immediately regretting because you were struggling to find the right word to describe Chris’ intimidating aura.

Truth be told, you were just trying not to let how good-looking you thought he was slip. Jisung would surely never let you live it down.

“Scary? Yeah I figured, my parents told me to get him to cover his tattoos so he wouldn’t scare my customers off,” Felix giggled, “but the lip piercing was a little troublesome so I let him keep it on,” he shrugged, your eyes widening at the confirmation that he did indeed have tattoos.

“Trust me….his face is scary enough for that,” you muttered, taking a long sip of your drink in your poor attempt to suppress your curiosity.

Jisung shot you a look, rolling his eyes.

“Please, that ‘sweetie’ he gave you was far from scary and you know it.”

Felix raised an eyebrow at Jisung, turning to give you an amused smile, his hands coming up to cover his mouth (though that didn’t do much in hiding his grin).

“‘Sweetie’?” He giggled, peering over at Chris before shaking his head good-naturedly.

“Yeah, you know, you should tell him not to flirt with your customers,” you huffed, Jisung’s smirk already beginning to unnerve you.

Felix’s response had only unnerved you even more, “trust me, Y/N, he’ll grow on you.”

===

And grow on you he sure did. Though you weren’t very sure if you would liken him to the kind of unwelcome moss that grows on old buildings or that of a pretty morning glory plant. Though both had its own charm, you just weren’t sure which one Chris fit into. Whatever it was, you were sure he was leaning towards the more unwelcome one for you.

You shot an annoyed look at Chris when he’d turned whatever rave music he had been playing in the café even louder, interrupting the cute café project meeting you were attempting to have with one of your friends Jeongin.

“What? Sorry, I can’t concentrate with all...this,” Jeongin gave you an apologetic frown, using his hand to gesture to the speakers, making you turn to cast Chris an angry glare.

Catching his gaze quickly, he gave you an expectant look, which only served to unnerve you more with how nonchalant he was acting.

“The music” you mouthed, gesturing to the speakers, “is too loud!” you covered your ears and shook your head vigorously, repeating your gestures with your frown directed towards him.

Chris simply shrugged, even going to the extent of pretending to yawn, cupping his hand around his ear and knitting his eyebrows together in a wince.

Curse Felix for having cute asshole friends, you thought.

Frankly, Chris didn’t know why he was being such an ass either. Maybe it was the knowledge that that kid sitting with you was interacting with you more than you ever interacted with Chris. Or maybe it was the way you seemed like you’d dressed up more today, fiddled with your hair more and posed for pictures nicely compared to when you were with Jisung.

Maybe Chris was just a teensy weensy bit jealous.

“I’m really sorry, he doesn’t seem like he’s gonna lower down the volume anytime soon,” you leaned closer to apologize, slightly reassured when he shook his head dismissively at you, though it didn’t rid you completely of your guilt.

“I don’t know why he’s doing this,” you explained further, “I brought you here because the music he usually plays is really good,” you explained.

“It’s really fine, he looks like the kind of guy I wouldn’t mess with either...it’s okay.” Jeongin glanced at Chris’ direction furtively, Chris’ sickly sweet smile seeming to intimidate him.

You scoffed at the way Chris had smiled at Jeongin, turning to give him another apologetic frown.

“I’m so sorry, I know you wanted to discuss our project today...but maybe we can go somewhere more conducive next time?” you tried to sound more hopeful, huffing a sigh of relief when you’d seen him nod reassuringly.

Jeongin had bid you goodbye once he’d decided he had received one too many of Chris’ intense stares, making you free to storm over to the counter, hands on your hips to emphasize your dismay.

Only then did Chris decide to lower down the music volume, turning back to face you with an expectant smile as you heard a calmer michael bublé song playing softly through the speakers.

“What’s your deal, Chan?” you frowned, your fingers finding purchase on the hem of your shirt, telling yourself to stand firm! And Don’t let his dimples sway you!

“I’ve told you a thousand times, you can call me ‘Chan’,” there was an amused lilt to his tone, though he figured you weren’t going to repeat yourself with how firmly you were staring at him.

“What deal?” he murmured pensively, bringing a hand up to fiddle with his lip ring and tilting his head at you so casually that you wondered if teasing people just came naturally to him.

"What’s my deal?” you echoed his question in disbelief, “I couldn’t even hear myself think with how loud the music was just now!” you huffed, your frown only deepening when he looked at you apologetically.

“Sorry, sweetie, couldn’t hear you just now. The other customers felt like the music was too soft,” he pouted, something in his expression making you less upset despite how obviously he was lying.

You’d opened your mouth to retort but fell short of coming up with a good enough comeback, choosing to scoff at him instead.

“You’re really manipulative, you know that?“ you huffed, poking your tongue in your cheek and looking down at the menu on the counter (even though you already knew what you were going to order).

"So….I’ll get you your usual, then?” and apparently, so did he.

Determined not to let yourself get more affected by Chan, and even more determined on not mentioning him for the rest of the duration that you would be at peaches, you buried yourself in your reading, flipping your pages so roughly you had to stop every now and then to check if they tore.

Jisung had joined you halfway, when you had switched from angry-reading to slouching in your seat scrolling through social media.

Shoving his phone on top of your (now closed) books with a loud thump, you leaned forward, peering over your phone to see different drawings and designs on the screen, all in black and white.

“That’s nice, did you draw it?” you asked, pinching and pulling at the screen to zoom on the details of the designs.

Jisung snorted, giving you an all-too-satisfied smile, "my dear friend, I’m thinking of getting a tattoo.”

Your eyes widened, “tattoo? Your mom would murder you,” you scoffed.

Jisung shook his head proudly, his eyes wide and insistent, “that’s where you’re wrong.” He smiled proudly, “I asked her already and she’s fine with it as long as I find someone legit to do it.”

Your eyebrows raised, fairly impressed that he had gotten away with it.

“But she’s not paying for it, of course,” he added as an afterthought.

You hated how predictable you were, but at the mention of tattoos, your gaze had wandered over to Chan, who was busy placing a few orders together on a tray. Staring at his sleeve, you figured, he seems like the type that would know about tattoos…right? I mean, considering he has a few of his own.

Don’t say it. don’t say it. don’t say it.

“Maybe you can ask Chan?” you’d winced as the words left your lips, “I mean, he has tattoos, right? Seems like he knows what he’s doing,” you offered, closing your mouth quickly as you saw him approaching your table.

“Oh yeah! Why didn’t I think of that?” Jisung clapped his hands, head snapping around and startling in his seat when Chan had made his presence known.

“Here you go,” he murmured, pushing your peach soda towards you before turning to Jisung, hugging his tray to his chest, “hey, man. Anything for you today?”

Jisung shook his head, “actually I was wondering, you have tattoos, right?”

You had to refrain from making your embarrassment too obvious, pulling the straw of your drink to your lips to feign disinterest in Chan’s response. Your sips only grew longer when Chan leaned his free hand on the back of your chair, his torso next to your head. Since when did his perfume smell so good?

“Yeah,” he replied confidently, shaking his head slightly to get his hair away from his eyes.

“Do you know anywhere I could get something done? Not anywhere shady, of course,” he asked Chan.

Chan let out a giggle, nodding. “Gimme a sec,” he held his hand up in a signal for Jisung to wait, jogging over to the counter and pulling his backpack out from under the counter, fishing something out before jogging back to your table.

Holding his hand out, he showed the both of you two small palm-sized cards. Taking it from him, you realized that they were business cards.

“This is actually my studio...” he shifted his weight from one leg to the other, folding his arms across his chest around the tray, “I’m like...certified and all, so you don’t have to worry,” he told Jisung.

“But you can check it out first if you’re still unsure. If not I can just find someone else to help you,” he added, gesturing as he spoke.

“Cool,” you murmured, gripping the card tightly between your fingers, making a mental note to do some research on this ship once Chan left.

“Alright, man, thanks so much. I’ll let you know.”

Chan smiled at Jisung, patting him on the back lightly before going off to clear the other tables.

“Says here they have an Instagram,” Jisung murmured, scrutinising the card closely.

Telling you the name of the account, you pulled up a page of the shop, your mouth falling open in shock at the number of people he had following the account, not to mention the number of pictures of peoples tattoos on the account. Starting to scroll through the account’s posts, you realized most if not all of his designs were in black and white.

“Do you want your tattoo to have colour? Cause if you do..I don’t think he really does many colour pieces,” you murmured, angling your phone to face him so he could look at the designs with you.

“Honestly...I might just do one of his designs…they’re a lot nicer than whatever I had in mind,” you laughed at the way he stared blankly at your phone screen.

“Do they tag the people who get the tattoos?” You wondered out loud.

Jisung reached over to tap on the picture, tapping on the account only to be led to what you were very sure was Chan’s account.

You shamelessly scanned the account, noticing he rarely posted photos of himself but mostly of the sky or of scenery (with the occasional post-workout photo), and that there were a little to no actual coloured photos in his feed.

“Are you gonna follow him?” You asked Jisung, seeing him nod and give you a shrug.

“Yeah, why not?” he raised his eyebrows in question as if you were asking a stupid question.

“Follow him with me, so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to kiss ass or anything,” he tapped on your arm incessantly, tapping on his phone before dragging your hand closer to him so he could press the follow button on Chan’s account.

“Jisung!” You pulled your phone away quickly, looking at him with wide eyes, making his eyes widen as well, looking at you in surprise.

“What? What?”

“I didn’t know you were gonna follow him now! He’s literally right there,” you whispered harshly at him.

Casting you an unamused glance, he held his hands up in a shrug.

“It’s no big deal. He probably won’t even think much of it…. I mean, well…unless you want him to,” his expression turned to a more teasing one, narrowing his eyes at you as he traced a heart in the air with his fingers.

“Oh yeah, speaking of which, I was meaning to ask you, how did your meetup with Jeongin go?” he placed his phone back down on the table, looking at you expectantly.

“Bad,” you groaned, “Couldn’t even hear him half the time because someone was playing the cafe music too loud,” you nodded your head in Chan’s direction.

Jisung winced, “So you guys didn’t get to discuss?”

You shook your head, “I told him we could just meet somewhere more conducive the next time since clearly Chan had a problem hearing me,” you sighed, leaning back in your seat.

“But the music’s fine now, though?”

“Well it wasn’t fine just now, and the dumbest part was that he turned it down after Jeongin left,” you rolled your eyes, knowing that the brown haired boy had no idea you were talking about him as he stood there sipping on his stupid juice box.

“Maybe he did it on purpose,” Jisung offered, making you scoff.

“Beats me, but whatever it is it’s crazy.”

“You’re just mad ‘cause he’s cute.”

You scoffed, huffing at him in disbelief, “no, I’m mad because he ruined my meeting,” your eyes widened in offence.

Jisung narrowed his eyes, letting his imagination run wild, “maybe he wanted to ruin your date,” he conspired, making you roll your eyes.

“One,” you held up a finger, “it wasn’t a date. Two,” you lowered your hand, struggling to find another reason, “you watch too many dramas,” you finally mustered, only serving to fuel Jisung’s entertainment even more.

“It’s easy, Y/N, the next step is to just… slide into his dms, I mean, since you’re already following him.”

You tossed your packet of tissue at him, “shut up, Jisung.”

That same night, you were about to sleep when you’d received a message.

Jisung

1:39am - r we placing bets on whether he’s trying to thirst trap me –

Attached to the message was a screenshot of Chan’s Instagram page with a selfie that he’d just uploaded, the picture showing Chan’s exposed collarbones and above making your eyes widen and close the image quickly, feeling your cheeks redden at the sudden post, unsure why a simple photo of him was making you flustered to no end.

1:41am -probably-

Was all you could type out, debating in your head whether to open the image again, a part of you wanting to see it again but shaking your head decisively, shoving your phone back underneath your pillow, but the image of Chan with damp hair wearing coloured contacts burned in your head.

You found yourself growing more anxious about possibly seeing Chan the next day if you were going to the book cafe (which you probably were). But Jisung’s reply had you thinking that maybe it was the universe trying to shove and kick you towards Chan.

Jisung


1:42am - also ive decided n u are coming w me to his shop to get my tat tmr -

You sighed, casually scrolling up in your chat to have a look at Chan’s selfie again before typing out your reply to Jisung.

1:42am -lovely-

Shoving your phone aside, you closed your eyes, hoping the feeling of yourself being drawn to the image would go away quickly.

===

“Do you even know where the shop is? we’ve been walking for hours,” you whined, earning an eye roll from Jisung who was still faithfully following the google maps directions on his phone.

“First of all, it’s only been 10 minutes. Second of all, I know where it is, look,” he showed you his phone, the automated voice telling him he was about to reach his destination, “ms google says we’re really close by.”

“Okay, fine. Just hurry, I wanna sit down.” you sighed, letting Jisung lead you to a stretch of modern cafés, eventually ending up in front of a neon sign of what looked like a little cartoon snake, the cartoon logo fairly familiar after remembering seeing it on Chan’s Instagram.

Shoving the glass open, you heard small bells identical to those in the cafe signal your entrance. A tall, baby-faced boy wearing thin-rimmed glasses walking out from behind the curtains leading to the back. This boy had piercings too, but the skin exposed by his t-shirt was clean, not marked by any sort of tattoo, giving him a much more innocent appearance as compared to Chan.

“Hey, uh…I booked an appointment here for 2pm?” Jisung spoke, and the tall boy stalked over to their reception area wordlessly, going behind the counter to pull out a thick binder and flipping to the most recent page.

“With Chan?” the boy spoke, earning a nod from you. “Alright. I’m Hyunjin, by the way. Will both of you be getting tattoos?”

Your eyes widened, rushing to protest, “oh, no, no no. Not me, just him. I’m just moral support.” You clarified, earning a snicker from Hyunjin, who nodded in amusement.

“Okay, then,” he shut the binder with a light thud, “Chan’s just finishing up a phone call with another client. He’ll call you when he’s ready but in the meantime you guys can chill here, I guess.” he gestured to the small black leather sofas in the reception area.

You and Jisung did as you were told, the waiting making Jisung more nervous about the nitty gritty details of getting a tattoo.

“Here’s the forms to fill up while you wait,” Hyunjin walked over to pass an electronic tablet to Jisung.

You on the other hand, picked up a binder showing the various designs that the shop had specially come up with that people could choose, showing Jisung a new design every now and then to try to distract him from his nervousness.

“Hey look at this one, this is cute,” you pointed at a cartoon drawing of a kangaroo, flipping to the last page to see that they had pictures and the names of various piercings as well.

Jisung sighed, tone emotionless, “yeah, sure.”

Scrolling through the pictures absently, Jisung leant his head on your shoulder, looking at the binder’s contents with you.

“What about this?” Jisung joked, pointing at the lip piercing, “you could twin with Chan,” he snickered.

You rolled your eyes, “yeah, very funny.”

Sighing, you thought about how Chan looked with the lip piercing, “his lips are really nice…” Your voice trailed off, only realising what you said after. “I mean like, I’m not saying that with any double meaning or whatever I just mean like, you know, generally he has a nice lip shape and a—”

“Yeah save it, we know you have the hots for him.”

You huffed, ignoring Jisung and continuing to flip the pages.

“Wait stop, that one’s nice. I think you’d look good with this one,” he pointed at the picture of the helix piercing.

"This?” you brought your hand up to touch your ear where the piercing would be, “but this is like….the hard part of my ear, won’t it hurt?” you grimaced.

Jisung gave you a look, “c’mon, trust me, I think you’d look great in this….” Jisung lowered his voice, leaning closer to you and glancing at Hyunjin to make sure he wasn’t listening.

“Chan would lose his shit.”

You smacked the binder closed, glaring at Jisung. Holding the binder up threateningly, about to scold him when you heard the beaded curtains move, your head snapping around to spot Chan there, dressed in a black muscle tee and black jeans, dark hair messy on his head.

“Hey guys, Jisung you ready? I’ve already done the stencil so it’s your call,” you waited for Jisung’s answer, too busy gawking at Chan’s tattoo sleeve, now being the first time you weren’t seeing it covered.

Jisung let out a loud sigh, “lemme just go inside and mentally prepare myself first,” he stood up, shaking his head.

Chan held the beaded curtain open for Jisung, letting him walk through first as you took your time to gather your things, not realizing Chan was still holding the curtain open for you.

“Hey, sweetie.” Chan greeted, nodding his head at you with a small smile.

“Hi,” you murmured, suddenly nervous around him, about to sling Jisung’s bag over your shoulder when Chan’s voice cut in.

“Oh, you can actually just leave it here. Hyunjin’ll be here,” you glanced at the boy mentioned who nodded at you before going back to his handphone game.

“Oh, alright then,” you murmured, walking over to where he was.

“I see you’re playing the moral support role today?” Chan let out a small giggle, letting you walk through the curtain before following behind you.

You let out a huff of laughter at the sight of Jisung lying on the chair with his eyes closed, hands clasped as if in prayer.

“Didn’t really have a choice,” you laughed, earning a grim nod from Chan, who put on his gloves and lightly kicked his stool towards the chair Jisung was seated on.

The first thing you noticed about the room was that it was very neat, everything seeming as though it was in its rightful place, giving off a very clean feel to the room, which served to calm you down for some reason. The plants and warm lighting in the room served to add some comfort to the atmosphere.

“Dude, don’t look so deathly, you’re not gonna die. You can take breaks in between if it’s too much,” Chan’s tone was reassuring, which you were thankful for since Jisung really did look pale.

“Okay, you’re right. You know what? I’m not that weak, I can do this,” his eyes shot open, giving Chan a firm nod.

Chan shocked you by giggling, gesturing to a wheeled stool similar to his, “you don’t have to stand, sweetie, you can sit here. This might take a while.”

If you were embarrassed, you didn’t show it, as you padded over to the stool, going next to Jisung and feeling him grab your hand. For a second you were thankful he was so nervous that he couldn’t tease you for Chan’s term of endearment.

Chan had disinfected the area Jisung wanted the tattoo on, a blueish outline of the design transferring onto his skin before he’d started. You appreciated how patient and precise Chan had been to speed up the process, Jisung occasionally squeezing your hand when it hurt.

“How long is this gonna take?” you asked out of curiosity.

“Uhh… this isn’t that big of a piece, so about 2-3 hours? Give and take if he needs breaks in between.”

“So, uh….how long have you been doing this?” you made conversation, the buzzing sound of the tattoo needle growing too loud for your comfort.

Chan’s eyebrows raised, lower lips jutting out in a pout as he thought. “I would say…professionally about 3 years so far?” Your eyebrows raised.

“Started when I was 15,” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“Wait, so you’re 19?” Jisung huffed, almost moving to sit up when he was temporarily distracted by the discovery.

Chan huffed, shaking his head, “don’t move, please. But to answer your question, no. I’m not 19. I started my apprenticeship at 15…” he trailed off, tongue darting out to wet his lips as he concentrated on a particular spot of the tattoo.

Sighing, he leaned back slightly to dab at the perspiration on his temples with his arm, making you tempted to take the cloth and do it for him, “I’m 22.”

Your eyes widened, feeling Jisung squeeze your hand for what you knew wasn’t pain.

“Oh,” you murmured, unsure what Jisung’s little reaction meant.

Chan hummed, “Yeah, Jisung mentioned that you guys were entering uni soon,” he stated, earning an affirmative nod from you.

“Yeah, we’re turning 20 soon,” Jisung murmured, eyes open now, seeming to have adjusted to the pain level.

Now it was Chan’s turn to be surprised. “Interesting,” he murmured.

“Uh-huh” Jisung spoke, and the way his tone sounded was making you nervous, not knowing what nonsense he was about to spout next. “Y/N’s already so old and still doesn’t have a boyfriend.”

Chan flushed at the implication, hoping his shyness wasn’t too obvious. Meanwhile you were trying to convince yourself that you weren’t imagining the pink tint growing more obvious on Chan’s ears.

"Nothing to be ashamed of,” Chan mustered after a short silence, his volume dropping considerably, “I mean, I’m older than you, and at this point of time I’m not dating either.”

Jisung struggled to contain his excitement, thinking of ways that he could get you and Chan alone together, coming up with what he would deem to be the most brilliant idea.

“Hey, Chan. Do you guys do piercings here too?”

“Aren’t you a little too talkative for someone in pain,” you muttered through gritted teeth, shooting a glare at Jisung—which he promptly ignored.

Chan smiled, tilting his head in question, “you’re not even done with your tattoo and you’re already thinking about piercings?” he laughed.

“Not for me, man, for Y/N.”

Chan made a surprised sound, taking his lower lip between his teeth as he focused on a particular part of Jisung’s tattoo, leaning back with a small sigh, “oh, is that so? what kind?”

“Uh…you know the helix one?” you murmured, your hand unconsciously going up to your ear to fidget.

Chan hummed, “yeah, I can do that. You’ve already made up your mind?” You nodded, before realizing he couldn’t see you.

“I guess…will it hurt, though?”

Chan leaned back, shrugging, “Depends, a tiny bit more than your average piercing?”

“Oh…well, then, I guess that doesn’t sound so bad,” you murmured.

Jisung grinned at you, which went unnoticed by Chan, who spoke seriously, filled with concern for your friend, “you’re doing really great, by the way. We’ll probably be done a lot earlier than expected. Just let me do the finishing touches and you’ll be free.”

You fiddled with Jisung’s fingers for the rest of the duration, trying not to be too obvious when you stared at Chan. How his eyebrows would furrow just ever so slightly in his concentration, his tongue peeking out to wet his lips or play with his piercing when he was filling in the shading for Jisung’s tattoo.

Just as the waiting was starting to get even a little unbearable, your leg beginning to bounce restlessly, you saw Chan lean back, a satisfied smile on his face.

“All done,” he smiled, patting Jisung on the shoulder with one hand as he set his equipment aside, taking some cling wrap and wrapping it around Jisung’s wrist.

Releasing a relieved sigh, you silently thanked the heavens that it was over because you really needed to pee.

You’d excused yourself to the washroom as Chan told Jisung about the aftercare tips, coming back to see that Jisung had already paid for his tattoo.

“So uh..” you saw Chan leaning against the doorframe with one hand shoved into his pocket, a few strands of the beaded curtain draped over his shoulder which he fiddled with, “you still up for the piercing? Or would you rather come back another day?” He asked you, bringing a hand up to push his hair out of his forehead, his hair falling back against his forehead gently.

You hummed, taking your phone out to see if you would have any other free periods during this week, realising that the only big period of rest you would have this week would be now, and you figured you would rather adjust to the new piercing over the weekend instead of in the middle of the week.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll just do it today,” you shrugged, glancing at Hyunjin who was eyeing Chan suspiciously, finding the boy’s behaviour to be a little out of the ordinary.

“Cool, I’ll be in the back…just uh… come in and let me know when you’re ready,” he gave you a soft smile, the metal of his lip ring shining as it caught the light in the room.

“Have fun,” Jisung waggled his eyebrows at you once Chan went back, making you frown at him.

“What do you mean ‘have fun’? You’re staying with me,” your expression turned grim when you saw the way he was poorly stifling his laughter, “aren’t you?”

Jisung sucked in a sharp breath, grimacing, “yeah…about that…I actually have to go meet my group mates for something, but you’ll be fine,” he waved a hand at you dismissively, already beginning to backtrack out of the studio.

“Think of it as more time spent with Chan,” Jisung wiggled his eyebrows teasingly, turning quickly to leave the shop, leaving you dumbfounded in your place.

Turning around, you caught Hyunjin’s gaze, seeing the boy narrow his eyes at you, “are you and….Chan….you know…?”

You furrowed your eyebrows, your lips parting upon realising what he meant, shaking your head and waving your hands dismissively.

“Oh my god, no, really.”

Hyunjin raised an eyebrow at you, making you even more flustered that he was acting like he knew something you didn’t.

“No, seriously, nothing’s up. Stop looking at me like that.”

You quickened your footsteps in heading to the backroom, your cheeks flushed and eyes wide as you spotted Chan sitting on his stool, using his phone before looking up when you entered the room, a soft smile appearing on his face.

How can someone who smiles like this be the same person behind that selfie last night, you wondered.

“Ji..sung?” Chan’s voice trailed off, raising his eyebrows in question, setting his phone down on the counter attached to the wall.

“Oh, he actually just left…he had to meet his group members,” you murmured, gesturing outside.

Chan got up from his seat with a small grunt, walking over to you, making you confused as to why he was suddenly walking towards you.

You’d let out a confused hum, your voice coming out softer than intended, watching with wide eyes as he brought his hands up to yours, sighing in relief when he’d simply taken your bag and jacket from you.

“You can just take a seat on the chair if you want, but don’t recline it just sit on the seat,” he instructed, and you did as such, swinging your legs as they hung from the chair, the toe of your shoe grazing the tiled floor occasionally.

“Are you nervous?” He asked, bringing the various equipment he needed on the trolley, rolling it noisily over to where you were.

You nodded, making him laugh.

“Good.”

“Good? Isn’t it bad if I’m too stressed?” Your confusion was evident in your tone, making him shake his head at you.

Chan smiled, “it’s better to be nervous than over confident when it comes to these things.”

He took a new pair of gloves from the box, picking up a mirror from the tray and passing it to you, “hold this for me, hmm?”

Taking the disinfectant wipes, he pushed your hair aside, the constant falling of your hair making him giggle, “sorry can I just uh,” he shifted so he was standing behind you, bunching your hair into a ponytail, his hands brushing against the skin of your neck when he gathered the hair, almost making you shiver.

Securing it with the hairband around his wrist, he looked at you from the front, nodding at his handiwork.

“Sorry,” Chan added as an afterthought, “hope you don’t mind.” He put on his gloves, the metal of his bracelet peeking out from under the latex.

You shook your head, quietly observing his actions through his reflection in the mirror out of sheer anxiousness. Watching carefully as he held your ear with his first two fingers, disinfecting the area of your ear before picking up the marker.

Chan had crouched down slightly, pursing his lips in concentration as he made a tiny dot with the marker on your ear, leaning back so you could have a better look.

“Is this placement okay?” he asked, earning a nod from you.

“Great,” he gave you a close lipped smile, dimples appearing on his cheeks, “wow your ears are really red,” he commented with a laugh.

Laughing half-heartedly in reply, you shrugged, “think it’s cause of the air conditioning,” you lied, not knowing he would take you seriously, walking over to where he’d put your things and grabbing your jacket with his elbows, dropping it onto your lap.

“Sorry, it’d be a lot less awkward if I could use my hands,” he laughed, and you weren’t able to keep yourself from smiling.

After he’d prepared the needle and the studs, you tried not to let your tension be too obvious when he leaned down so he could be more precise. Funnily enough, though you were about to get a piercing, you were less nervous for that as compared to the fact that Chan was so close to you.

“Are you excited to graduate?” he asked you in an attempt to distract you, earning a shrug from you.

“I guess,” you murmured, Chan having successfully directed your attention elsewhere, “a little scared, though.”

“Of?” he asked, his gentle tone prompting you to elaborate.

“I guess I’m not really like…scared, I’m just kind of anxious? like…I don’t really know what to expect,” you laughed, earning a confused sound from him.

“Well if you think about it like that, then of course it’ll be negative,” Chan laughed.

“I mean, I wouldn’t know what it’s like because I didn’t go to uni but you know….maybe if you think of it as like a...i’m doing this so that I can do this in the future kind of thing then it’d be more exciting than scary,” Chan offered, moving to your other ear.

“Well…I guess that’s true,” you murmured, about to continue when you’d felt the needle piercing your skin, letting out a yelp, your hands unconsciously finding purchase on the closest thing to you, which (unfortunately and fortunately for you) was his torso, “why didn’t you give me any warning!” You hissed.

"Too late for a countdown now, huh,” he shrugged, fitting the stud onto your ear.

“All done,” he giggled, stepping away from you to set the needle into a tray for cleaning.

“You know what to do, right? Like…to care for your piercing?” Chan asked you, earning a nod from you.

“So, I’m done here?” You asked, watching Chan as he set his things aside to be sterilized, glancing at the clock on the wall at the side of the room.

“Pretty much,” he hummed, bringing up a hand to adjust his hair.

You hated how much the tension in the room was building, as if the both of you were just holding back on what you’d wanted to say. Almost deciding to walk out before Chan had finally spoken up.

“Are you gonna get dinner with Jisung?” he asked, looking elsewhere and pretending to be busy with throwing his gloves away.

“Nope,” you walked over to where he’d placed your bag, slinging it over your shoulder and taking your phone out to tell Jisung you were done getting the piercing.

“I’m probably just gonna go home and order in, or something,” you murmured, slightly preoccupied with texting to notice the way he’d perked up at the sound of you being free for the evening.

Chan walked through the curtains to the main reception area, leaning over Hyunjin who was sitting at the desk, fishing the tablet for you to fill in the form, murmuring a soft ‘sorry’ to Hyunjin, who was busy playing his phone games.

“Shouldn’t you have given that before she got the piercing,” Hyunjin whispered pointedly, his words going ignored by Chan, who knew very well that he was flustered into forgetting that small detail.

“Just fill these up and you’re all set,” he pushed them over the counter towards you, and you’d typed your details in quickly, eager to get Hyunjin’s suspicious gaze off of you.

“How much do I have to pay you?” You asked, getting ready to fish your wallet from your bag, confused when you heard Chan make a strangled sound of protest.

“Oh, no, it’s fine. Consider it ‘on the house’,” he told you, making Hyunjin’s eyebrows raise in question.

“What? But why? I mean, your shop is doing pretty well, services like that would probably be really expensive, right?” You gripped your wallet tighter, however he didn’t seem like he was giving you an option. Not with the way he was looking at you, that was for sure.

Hyunjin had ended his game already, nudging his glasses higher on his nose bridge. He pressed his lips in a thin, firm line, hoping it would help him stifle his laughter as you continued.

“But I can’t just let you do that, I mean, this is your business, you’d lose a lot of money if you just give people free services like this, you know?”

Chan almost snorted, “trust me, I won’t.”

You wracked your brain for other options on how to persuade him, “okay, but there has to be some other way I can repay you,” you stated, not expecting Chan to reply so quickly.

“How does grabbing dinner with me now sound?” The words flowed from his lips so naturally that even Hyunjin was surprised, not used to seeing his usually shy friend act so confidently around people.

Hyunjin let a small giggle escape him, narrowing his eyes at Chan who had kicked at his chair as a silent threat.

You opened your mouth and closed it back, unable to form a response in your shock, “uh…I um…” you fumbled to find the right words, making Chan let out the tiniest giggle.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he assured you, “I’m just offering, you know...since you said just now that you wouldn’t have dinner at home anyway,” he gestured with his hands as he spoke, the silver chain around his wrist coming to your attention as he moved his hands around.

“No, no..uh,” you swallowed, clearing your throat softly, “yes? Yes, that sounds great, Chan,” you mustered out as confidently as you could.

“Cool, meet you outside, then? Lemme just go and grab my stuff,” he flashed you a small close-lipped smile before walking to the back.

“Bye?” You murmured to Hyunjin, who turned his narrowed eyes away from Chan to direct them towards you instead.

“I swear...there’s definitely something going on with you two…” Hyunjin muttered, tapping at his phone quickly before shaking his head abruptly, “never mind, I won’t harass you about it….yet. Have a good dinner,” his expression changed to a smiling one, waving at you as if nothing happened.

When you’d gone out of the tattoo shop, you only had to wait for barely a minute before you heard the door open behind you, Chan stepping out, now wearing a black leather jacket over his shirt with his bag in hand.

“Did you have any dinner place in mind?” You asked him, seeing him nod.

“Do you like tacos?”

===

“So, how come you’re working at peaches if you already have that whole setup at your tattoo studio?” You’d asked him during your dinner. You’d both already finished eating but were in no rush to leave, sipping your drinks slowly as an excuse to talk more.

“Felix told me he was looking for someone who could fill in for him part-time for whenever he had to go for classes, so I offered, since I don’t usually take appointments in the morning,” he explained, sipping his drink, fiddling with the straw between his thumb and index finger as he spoke.

“So you work in the afternoon?” he nodded.

“I work from around twelve to seven,” he told you casually, and at the mention of time you’d glanced at your phone, realising it was way before seven when he’d asked you to eat dinner with him.

Your eyebrows furrowed, “wait, then doesn’t that mean that you left work before you were supposed to?”

Chan’s eyes widened momentarily, bringing the straw to his lips ever so slowly, giving you a shrug in feigned nonchalance. “Nope,” he told you calmly, “I leave after my clients are done for the day, and I usually take 1 client a day.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, “are you lying right now?” you pretended to disapprove, since you knew you were past the point of saying you didn’t enjoy spending time with Chan.

Chan simply grinned, your heart skipping a beat at the sight of his dimples, hearing him let out an exaggerated sigh, “depends.”

He rest his chin on one of his hands, his fingers going up to fiddle with his lip piercing, only now coming to your notice that he’d changed the jewellery to a bigger silver ring.

“Does that hurt?” you asked, curiosity getting the better of you, making him gesture with his finger to his lips, earning a nod from you.

“Nope,” he said, popping the ‘p’, “I’ve had it for really long so you can like press or tug on it or whatever but it won’t hurt,” he said, his wording making your imagination wander, ears tinting red as you tried to dismiss the thoughts of kissing Chan that popped into your head.

“Your ears are red again,” he pointed out, an amused lilt to his tone, knowing exactly why.

In your distress, you tugged his hair tie off your hair, adjusting your hair so it would cover your ears, narrowing your eyes at him.

“It’s only ‘cause you said it like that,” you huffed.

“Like what?” he raised an eyebrow at you, feigning innocence as he continued, “all I meant was if I pull on it like this it won’t hurt…” he demonstrated by using his index finger and thumb to fiddle with his piercing.

“Unless, that wasn’t what you were thinking?” he teased, leaning closer to you over the table.

You got up abruptly, “we should get going,” you diverted the topic quickly, ignoring Chan’s laughter behind you as you made your way to pay the bill, managing to do so successfully before Chan had made it to the register, earning a pout from him.

“You pay for my piercing, I pay for our dinner. Simple,” you shrugged, walking out of the restaurant and letting him follow behind you.

“Is your place near here?” Chan asked.

Your eyes widened, not understanding why he was asking you that, a million possibilities of reasons why running through your head about what he could possibly have intended from asking that.

Chan realised your internal conflict after a few seconds, his expression flustered when he realised, “no, no! I meant like, how are you going back home since it’s late,” he explained slowly, hands gesturing slowly as he spoke.

You hummed, “I think I might have a bus I can take from here, but it’ll probably take a while,” you shrugged, eyeing him curiously when he’d taken his phone out of his pocket.

“Address?” He asked, and you told him as such, “your place is actually pretty near mine, I stay a couple streets down. Let me see if I can book us a car or something, I reckon it’ll be faster than taking the bus,” he murmured, and you watched him type on his phone quickly before a triumphant smile graced his features.

Letting out a surprised hum, he showed you his phone, “it’s less than 10 dollars if we share a car, do you want to?”

You nodded with a shrug, “sure,” taking your phone from your pocket to check the time, seeing that you’d gotten a text from Jisung.

Jisung


8:08pm -school starts next week???-

You sighed in realisation, making Chan frown at you curiously.

“What’s wrong?”

You laughed, shaking your head, “nah, it’s nothing. I just realised I’m starting school next week, but I feel like I haven’t done anything during my holidays,” you groaned, turning to Chan with an exaggerated sad look on your face, seeing his eyebrows lift in an expression you would use to comfort a crying child.

“Jisung and I had so many things we planned to do like…go to amusement parks or like….go camping or have a sleepover, but…we just ended up spending all our time at peaches,” you laughed.

“Oh, you guys wanted to go camping?” Chan asked, an idea sparking in his mind when you’d nodded affirmatively at him.

“That’s pretty…coincidental… Hyunjin and I were actually planning on going camping next week, do you wanna come?”

Your eyes widened, not expecting such an opportunity to come so quick for you.

“Really? Where were you guys planning to go?” You asked, and you’d felt his hand gently touch your forearm, the other hand swiping around on his phone before he showed you pictures of what looked like a cabin.

“There’s this place out of town where you can sort of rent the area and you can like, do barbecues and campfires, it’s really nice,” he smiled, “oh, and there’s like this lake nearby the site that looks really really beautiful in the morning. And you don’t even have to pay because Hyunjin’s parents bought a part of it so he can just use it privately,” you nodded, impressed at how convenient and attractive the place sounded.

“But…isn’t it kind of weird if it’s just me going with the both of you? Do you mind if I ask Jisung along too?” You asked hesitantly, a sheepish expression on your face.

Chan laughed, nodding as he wordlessly grabbed your arm, leading you to what you assumed was the car you booked, opening the door for you to go in first before he slid in after you.

You greeted the driver, who had given you a friendly greeting in return as well. One thing you noticed (regrettably or fortunately, you wouldn’t say) was that the back seat was a little cramped, the seats angled in such a way that you would tend to slide towards the middle. Being bigger than you, Chan occupied more space compared to you, causing you to practically be knee to knee when you sat comfortably.

“Also,” Chan yawned, leaning back in his seat, “to answer your question, yes, of course you can ask Jisung to come along. Felix is coming too since he’s been begging me to bring him.”

Chan shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket, sliding down in his seat. “we’ll probably only stay over for a night so you don’t need to pack much I guess…and Hyunjin can give us a ride to and from the cabin.”

You nodded, covering your mouth when you’d yawned as well. “Great,” you sighed, turning your head to look at him only to see him already looking at you with a tired expression, his gaze darting from your eyes to your ear.

Feeling shy from his staring but too flustered to confront him about it, you simply let your gaze fall to your lap, thinking about the upcoming camping trip.

“I don’t have your number, do I?” He murmured, seeing you shake your head no.

Unlocking your phone, you passed it to him so he could enter his contact, not missing the way he’d put his name as Chan instead of Chris, adding a wolf emoji behind his name.

“Thanks….for the dinner,” you murmured, seeing as you were getting closer to your house, figuring you had better say it now than never.

Chan huffed, “I should be thanking you, for not rejecting the offer,” he told you.

You scoffed, not believing that this was the first time, “I mean, you’re always swarmed at peaches, pretty sure it’s not the first time someone accepted your dinner offers,” you joked, regretting your joke when you saw the way he smiled at you, as if he knew something you didn’t.

“It kind of is….maybe ‘cause I never had the time to….offer to get dinner with all my work going on,” he said casually.

You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion, your mouth running faster than your mind could process, “so what made you do it this time?” you laughed.

Chan shrugged, leaning forward to rest his head lightly on the headrest of the seat, turning to look at you with an unreadable expression, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

“I don’t know, sweetie. Something about you just seems to keep pulling me in,” he shrugged.

"Why do you keep calling me sweetie?” You let out a nervous huff of laughter, looking elsewhere in fear that looking at him would make you more flustered, not knowing what sort of confidence came over you for you to ask him so boldly.

“Would you rather me call you something else? Honey? Baby—”

“How about my name?” You interrupted before he could go any further, your reaction seemed to have amused him to no end, making him erupt in a fit of giggles.

“Well that’s no fun, is it?” He scrunched his nose up in distaste, making you scoff.

“Why do I get the feeling that you won’t stop even if I asked you to?” you narrowed your eyes at him.

Pushing himself off where he leaned against his seat, he’d leaned dangerously close to you, your heartbeat starting to race at his proximity before he’d abruptly ruffled your hair, leaning back as if nothing happened.

“You are absolutely right,” he had a triumphant smile on his face.

Shaking your head in feigned disapproval, you saw that the car was slowing down, the driver trying to find your apartment complex.

“Yep, you can stop here,” you told the driver, slinging your bag onto your shoulder before waving at Chan.

“Goodnight,” you murmured, smiling out of your sheer shyness that you couldn’t explain (or maybe you could, but just didn’t want to admit it—ignorance is bliss after all).

He gave you a tired smile, tilting his head as he waved at you. You were already getting out of the car, leaning down before you closed the door since he seemed like he was about to say something.

“Goodnight…Y/N.”

===

After that day, Chan had started texting you, and you weren’t sure what to make of it, not wanting to misinterpret friendliness for flirting but at the same time not being able to stop yourself from thinking it was as such.

You would see him at peaches, and he would come sit with you during his breaks, and you would spend time lounging at the sofas reading books and sharing funny or interesting things about the book with each other, much to Jisung’s entertainment.

“I see that now you have Chan you don’t need me to accompany you to peaches anymore?” he would tell you, not without a dramatic sigh.

“That’s not true, we just hang out during his breaks,” you shrugged, nervous that Jisung’s questioning would actually make sense.

“And tell me again why you guys don’t just decide to date?” you shushed him, not wanting Felix to overhear your conversation since he was clearing a table near where you and Jisung were sitting.

Felix said he’d given Chan the day off since he had pretty big pieces to do for his clients these few days, which according to Felix would take at least 7 hours each and left Chan feeling dead tired afterwards.

“It’s not up to me,” you shrugged.

Jisung gave you an unamused look, “oh, really.”

You glared at him, “you better not try anything weird when we go camping or I'll really throw you in the lake.”

“Over my dead body,” Jisung stuck his tongue out at you, “I’ll see you guys married before I let you kill me.”

And it seemed Jisung really did mean it, because when the day came for you guys to go camping, you had met with Jisung and Felix outside peaches to wait for Hyunjin and Chan to come pick you guys up, the two boys showing up eventually, with Chan sitting in the passenger’s seat.

Momentarily relieved that you wouldn’t be put in another stressful situation of squeezing in the backseat with Chan, your relief was short-lived when Jisung had eyed the passenger’s seat, executing the first step of his self-proclaimed brilliant plan.

“I want the front seat! Please, I get motion sickness,” he deadpanned, knowing Chan would be worried enough for him to switch seats with him.

Chan had his hood covering his head when he got out of the car, looking more than a little tired as he murmured a soft greeting to you, surprising you when he pulled you into a hug, earning you an excited smile from Jisung who was already seated in the passenger’s seat. He greeted Felix with a hug as well, letting you get into the car before he did, Felix going in after him.

“Sorry, I really wanted to talk to you but I’m really tired, hope you don’t mind if I just take a nap,” he murmured to you, earning a dismissive shake of the head from you.

“No, no, not at all, go ahead,” you assured him, “it’s a pretty long ride anyway, might as well use it.”

You didn’t miss the appreciative smile he gave you before he leaned his head back on the headrest, folding his arms in front of his chest and closing his eyes.

“He didn’t get much sleep last night, was up late doing designs for one of his clients,” Hyunjin murmured after a while when Felix had commented on how Chan had fallen asleep so quickly.

You nodded, figuring some clients would have more specific demands for tattoos since their shop was pretty well known.

Looking out the window as Hyunjin drove, you gawked at how nice the scenery was, preparing yourself for the turn that he was about to make, your body tensing up when you’d felt Chan’s head fall gently against your shoulder, having slid down in his seat after falling asleep.

Not wanting to wake him, you silently hoped your shoulder wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for his head, trying to stay still so you wouldn’t wake him up.

Jisung had turned around to tell you about a ‘wild boar’ he claimed he’d spotted, stopping himself when he saw Chan’s head resting on your shoulder, pressing his lips together.

“I think the universe is helping me execute my plan.” Bringing a first up to his mouth, he pretended to tear up.

Glaring at him, you ignored both him and the way Chan unconsciously leaned into you as he slept, relaxing after a while as you grew to find it comfortable.

“We’re almost here,” Felix told you, giving you an amused look, “pretty comfortable over there, huh?”

You rolled your eyes, but couldn’t help the smile from your face, shaking your head.

When Hyunjin had stopped the car, him, Jisung and Felix were already getting out of the car to help shift the things out from the trunk, and you’d shifted your body to the side as carefully as you could, lifting Chan’s head from your shoulder gently, one of your palms against his cheek, a part of your heart fluttering when you felt him lean into your touch.

Snapping out of it, you cleared your throat softly.

“Chan,” you murmured, tapping his hand to wake him, his eyebrows furrowing before his hands came up to rub his eyes, leaning away from your hand.

“Y/N?” He murmured.

“We’re already at the cabin,” you huffed in amusement.

Chan opened his eyes, glancing at his surroundings, “oh, sorry,” he turned away, pushing the door open and getting out quickly, and you swore you saw his ears tint pink, wondering if he was actually shy or if you were just hallucinating.

Once you were out, you saw Jisung waving you over, “help me,” he whined, making you roll your eyes, but you left Chan’s side to go help him bring the cooler of drinks and whatnot into the cabin, Hyunjin choosing now to explain the room situation.

“You guys can choose roomies now, I’m probably rooming with Chan,” Hyunjin raised his hand to announce once you were all in the cabin.

“We’ll take the other room,” Jisung shouted, already grabbing your hand to pull you aside as if you were picking teams in school instead of just deciding roommate situations.

Felix laughed, nodding, “I’ll take the last room then.”

Only when you’d gone into the room you realised that it was already about mid-afternoon, and you had heard Felix shout something about going to play at the lake, hearing shouts of agreement from Hyunjin and Chan.

“Did you bring clothes for swimming?” Jisung asked you, and you answered him with a shake of the head.

“Wasn’t planning on swimming,” you told him.

Jisung looked at you, erupting into boisterous laughter, “shit, me neither….black shirt should do, don’t you think?”

You shook your head, laughing with him, “not like we have much of a choice.”

After getting changed, you’d met up with the rest of them outside the cabin, Hyunjin leading the group of you to a lake near a small waterfall, Felix, Hyunjin and Jisung jumping in first, leaving you and Chan behind.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” you asked Chan.

“I could ask you the same thing,” he gave you a look, “do you know how to swim?”

You nodded confidently…before shrugging, “I know the basics, like floating,” you said to defend your lack of skill.

Chan brought his tattooed arm over his chest to grab his other shoulder, “doesn’t matter, nothing to be ashamed of,” he told you casually, getting into the water and holding a hand out for you to take.

Stepping down carefully, you’d used Chan as a leverage for you to get into the water, almost stumbling when you’d stepped on a particularly slippery part of land, Chan quickly reaching his hands out to your waist to steady you, your face and neck heating up from how flustered you were.

Chan had helped you till you were able to walk on your own, surprising you when you found that the water reached up to your chest.

You heard Jisung call out for a game of chicken, deciding you would split into pairs and the losers would have to cook for later.

“I pick Felix! He’s super light!” Hyunjin called out, raising his hand to make his point known.

You were about to call for Jisung when he’d raised his hands.

“I’m the referee!” he shouted, making you gape at him, knowing this was probably another part of his plan.

“Alright, so me and Y/N are one team,” Chan said, nodding at Jisung.

Turning to you, Chan brushed his hair away from his forehead, wetting his lips before he spoke.  

“You can’t have me on your shoulders, I’m too heavy,” Chan laughed, making you cover your face.

“I can’t believe Jisung,” you muttered to yourself.

“what was that?” Chan asked, already making his way in front of you, and you saw that Felix was already on Hyunjin’s shoulders, the only advantage they had visibly being that Hyunjin was taller.

“Nothing,” you blurted, glaring at Jisung when he gestured for you to hurry up, Chan bending down in front of you to make it easier for you to climb on, his hand going behind your leg to push you up, and you’d settled down quickly, trying to see if you could balance well.

“Is it okay if I put my hands here? Is it stable?” you felt Chan place his hands around your shins, but you still felt like it was pretty wobbly. Either that or you were just in a generally wobbly mood from ending up in this situation with Chan.

“Not really, it still feels like I could fall,” you hummed,  your breath hitching when he’d moved his hands up to place them above your knees, hoping he hadn’t felt the way you tensed up. (He did)

“Is this better?” he asked, making you blurt out a small ‘yeah’, oblivious to the looks Hyunjin and Jisung were exchanging.

“Okay firstly the rules are: have fun, no kicking or biting, once you get knocked off you lose even if you’re still on your partner’s shoulders,” Jisung mustered his best announcer’s voice as he explained the rules.

But a part of you couldn’t focus with the way Felix was taunting you and Chan was drumming his fingers on your thigh.

“Ready?” Jisung lifted his hands as though he were starting a boxing match. “Go!”

You almost screamed with how quickly Hyunjin had advanced, Felix reaching out his hands towards you which you responded instinctively to by holding your hands out in front of you, palms facing him, pushing at his hands.

“Y/N I think the point is to push him off, not hi-five him to death,” Jisung cackled, making Chan laugh as well, Hyunjin moving to splash water in Chan’s direction.

Once Felix had caught hold of your hands, you knew you were in for it, he’d interlocked your fingers, trying to sway you left and right in the hopes that it would make you more wobbly.

“Having a good time on your date up there?” Hyunjin called out sarcastically, starting to get tired of balancing from all of Felix’s movements.

You swore you felt Chan grip your legs tighter from Hyunjin’s statement, making you eager to end the game.

Felix had let his grip loosen almost momentarily in his distraction when he glanced at Chan for his reaction, and you took that as an opportunity to find his weak spot, tickling the area under his wrist, making him draw his hand back quickly with a squeal, all of this happening while Hyunjin was trying to rub his eyes, Felix’s hand on his head making his hair press against his eyes.

Once you saw the opportunity, you prodded at Felix’s side, his ticklish reaction sending him falling off Hyunjin’s shoulders, a loud splash sounding when he landed in the water. Followed by shouts from Jisung and a loud groan from Hyunjin, of course.

“Hyunjin and Felix are on dinner duty, then!” You cheered, your hands going down to Chan’s hair when you almost lost your balance in your excitement, accidentally tugging on his hair, making his hands fly up to yours, having to keep himself from letting his eyes roll back, peeling your hands away from his hair.

“Woah, woah, woah, let’s get you down from there,” Chan laughed nervously, making you realize what you were doing, letting him bend down so you could get off of him, jumping in the water to get used to it again.

You’d made your way over to Felix, wanting to make sure he was okay, seeing him wiping the water from his face, “are you alright?” you asked.

“Look at him, gloating,” Felix pretended to be upset, directing your attention towards Chan, who looked your way, but you looked away immediately when he’d lifted his shirt slightly to keep it from clinging to his skin.

Dear God, you hoped Jisung hadn’t seen that.

“Wow, Chan, okay we get it!” Jisung yelled, making Chan drop his hands, a shy smile on his face.

Jisung looked at you with wide eyes, “did you see that?!” He whispered harshly to you while Chan was busy discussing something with Hyunjin.

Felix gave you a look, “why does he seem like he wanted you to see that?” He pointed at Jisung, making you shake your head, for lack of a better response.

“Also, I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Felix continued, lowering his voice so they wouldn’t hear, “do you guys like…as in like you and Chan...like is there something going on?” Felix asked, his eyes widening in curiosity.

As you glanced over at the subject of your conversation, making eye contact with Chan as he gave you a soft smile, unknowingly returning the smile before turning back to face Felix.

“What makes you think that?” you murmured, feigning confidence.

“Well, for one, that weird smile thing you guys just did,” Jisung pointed out, making you roll your eyes.

“Doesn’t mean anything, he’s just…really friendly,” you shrugged, frowning when Jisung leant over to whisper something in Felix’s ear, after which he’d left promptly to head over to Hyunjin and Chan.  

Felix looked at you with a teasing smirk, “yeah, very friendly from the looks of it,” he waggled his eyebrows at you suggestively.

About to react defensively (as usual), your attention was diverted from Felix when you heard Hyunjin clear his throat, “hey guys, I think me and Felix will head back to wash up first so we won’t start preparing dinner too late,” you heard scattered murmurs of agreement before Hyunjin had started heading out of the lake.

“Stay with him,” Jisung instructed you urgently, making your eyes widen in confusion, seeing as Chan looked as though he had no plans on leaving the lake.

Increasing his volume, he announced, “I’ll be heading back with them too, you guys can just take your time, I’ll call you guys back when we’re done washing up,” Jisung waved, following behind Felix and Hyunjin.

Hyunjin turned around to wink at you, “have fun,” he drawled, which as much as you tried to ignore, you couldn’t help but read into.

Chan made his way to where you were in the water, tilting his head at you expectantly, “you’re staying here too?” he asked, his unexpected question catching you by surprise.

Nodding slowly, you’d brought your hand to brush against the surface of the water gently, “figured I could use a little break too.”

There was a hint of a smile on Chan’s face, nodding, “you still scared about school?”

You contemplated the question, realising that you were in fact a lot less anxious about school compared to a few weeks ago. “I’m alright, really… what about you?”

Chan shrugged, “usual, I guess,” he led you to an area of the lake that was more calm, the sun beginning to grow less harsh, “if you’re bored waiting for school to start you’re always welcome to come to the studio, you know.”

“Jisung’s been telling me the exact same thing,” you said with a laugh, “says I could get myself a tattoo while i’m at it.”

You hadn’t expected Chan to be so serious about it, “well, you can, you know.”

Shaking your head, you let out a huff of laughter, almost shy under his gaze as you averted your gaze, “oh, no, i’m not really too keen,” you said.

Your words had struck a nerve with Chan, making him wonder if his tattoos were making you uncomfortable. Though he’d bounced back quickly, lighting up with a smile, his dimples showing obviously as he did so.

“My friends and I used to come here a lot…sometimes I would come here just to chill and just like…float around, it’s pretty nice. Especially in the early mornings,” he told you, using his hands to push the water around.

“I don’t really know how to explain it,” he admitted, “it was a really nice feeling.” He told you, though he himself didn’t sound very satisfied with the adjective he’d chosen.

“If you could compare it to a feeling you get when you do something else, what would it be?” you asked out of sheer curiosity, earning a thoughtful hum from him.

“Lemme think about it?” He requested, earning a nod from you before he continued, “you mentioned just now that you knew how to float, right?” he smirked, earning another nose scrunch from you.

“Well, by float I kind of meant like…yeah, you know maybe I kind of exaggerated that a little,” you gave him a sheepish smile.

Chan pressed his lips together in an attempt to stifle his laugh, nodding as you felt him grasp your wrists.

“Do you trust me?” he asked, and you didn’t even have time to feel embarrassed at how quickly you nodded.

I mean, you let this man near your face with a needle, it was a little too late to say you didn’t trust him at this point.

Angling your body so your side was facing him, you felt his hand go behind your back, “relax,” he let out an amused huff, making you sigh, nodding as you tried your best to relax your muscles.

“Now, just like, lean back, and make sure you look up.”

You did as you were told, keeping your hands by your side and your head up facing the sky, all the while feeling his hands behind your back supporting you, a strange feeling of calm washing over you as you looked at the sky which was beginning to set.

Chan noticed it too, the way he felt you relax under his touch, enjoying how calm you looked now, happy that he could share this experience with you.

After you decided you were calm enough, you leaned forward, Chan’s hands instinctively going to the nape of your neck  to steady you as you got up, with you ending up facing him, his hand still gently cupping the nape of your neck, his other hand finding its way onto your waist.

“How was it?” he breathed, a hint of a smile playing at his lips.

“I think I get why you like doing that…it felt…nice,” you murmured, “have you thought of it yet?”

Chan nodded, a strange feeling building within him that he could only describe as warmth, feeling as though something in him was drawing him closer to you without him knowing.

“It’s kind of like...calling you after a long day,” a shy giggle leaving his lips after his statement.

Your breath hitched, the feeling of receiving such personal information rendering you at a loss of words. Unconsciously, there was a feeling of want building inside of you when you could see Chan leaning in, your head unconsciously tilting upwards, not daring to close your eyes yet, and his lips were barely inches away from yours, so close that you really thought that Chan was going to kiss you in the middle of this lake.

Though just as his other hand had went under the water to touch your waist gently, you figured the universe had decided it wasn’t time yet.

“Guys! I’m back! You guys can go shower now!” you jumped when you heard Jisung’s voice, immediately moving away so you could put some distance between you and Chan.

Chan brought his hands up to his ears, pressing and rubbing them firmly, getting out of the lake first to help you get out of the water, all the while Jisung had been eyeing you suspiciously.

The walk back was otherwise silent, with Jisung going off to disturb Felix and Hyunjin while you took a shower. Once you were done, you took your time drying your hair, seeing a text from Jisung come in asking you to hurry up.

Walking over to the barbecue pit you noticed Chan had taken over for Felix, grilling the meat with an ease that had let you know just how much he’d probably done it before.

“That smells really good,” you hummed, seeing Chan look up from the grill to give you a shy smile, nodding at you.

“D’you want some?” he asked, holding a small piece he’d just cut between the tongs, blowing on it before holding it out for you, a hand cupped underneath in case it fell.

Feeling Hyunjin’s gaze on you, as well as Felix and Jisung, you felt put on the spot, leaning over to take the piece between your teeth, letting out a satisfied hum at the taste.

“Alright, sorry to interrupt your…whatever this is, but we’re gonna steal Y/N for a while, so bye,” Jisung waved, linking his arm around your elbow and dragging you away with a very giggly Felix.

“Okay, let’s begin the meeting,” Felix announced authoritatively once you were seated at the campfire area. Jisung joined in on the joke smoothly, “okay, I’ll take minutes.”

“Why am I here, again?” You sighed, fiddling with the side of the foldable chair you were sitting on, crossing your legs to get into a more comfortable position.

Felix giggled, shaking his head before continuing, “important question, what do you think of Chan?”

You scrunched your nose up in distaste, “how am I supposed to answer that objectively?” You whined, seeing Felix nod encouragingly at you.

“No, no, that’s the point! I want you to be as subjective as possible.”

You hummed, “well, I don’t know, I guess, he’s really nice…and considerate?” Most of the time, at least. “He’s…cute? Like you know, the whole…dimples and all,” you shrugged, shuddering at how foreign it felt for you to actually list out the attributes you liked in Chan.

“He’s a real geek too, which is kind of cute, and all,” you mumbled, grimacing at them as a silent plea for them to end your misery.

“If,” Jisung emphasised, “you knew he liked you and whatever, would you get into a relationship with him?”

Felix made an impressed face at Jisung, “oh, that’s a good one. Chan doesn’t really date a lot,” He jut his lips out thoughtfully.

“I guess…I would? I mean,” you hummed in thought, “from what I’ve experienced, I feel like I can trust him? That’s the vibe I get when I’m with him or when we like, you know, call... and all?”

Felix’s lips pulled into a pout, “I feel like we need to call in an expert for this.”

You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion, “huh? Who?”

Felix tapped his phone, setting it back down and giving you a cheeky smile, the playful glint in his eyes making you nervous.

And you should’ve been, because when you saw Hyunjin walking over you knew you were either in for an interrogation or a whole lot of teasing.

“Alright, Chan’s just setting the table so we don’t have long, what’s up?” Hyunjin nodded his head at Felix, hands in his pockets and a bored expression on his face.

“Has Chan been behaving strange…or like just..different lately?” Jisung asked, making Hyunjin look directly at you, narrowing his eyes at you in realisation.

“I knew it! I knew there was something up,” he cried, making you shush him in fear that Chan would hear.

“What are you talking about?” you shushed him.

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, plopping himself on the seat next to Jisung.

“Let me just tell you,” he sighed deeply, “Chan has been so weird recently. He gets shy at even the slightest mention of you, and don’t think I don’t see how he’s been on his phone more lately.”

“I’ve noticed a great increase in thirst traps as well,” Jisung said seriously, clasping his hands together as if he were a reporter.

“Exactly my point!” Hyunjin told Jisung, “my bet, is that he’s been trying to get your attention but he’s doing it in the only way he knows how and that’s being a flirty bitch,” he said simply, leaning back with a nonchalant shrug.

Jisung nodded slowly, turning to Hyunjin, “I didn’t really like you at first...but can I just say...I love you.”

You brushed him off quickly, “are you sure, though? ‘Cause like, I’ve been telling myself for a long time now that I didn’t wanna read too deep into his actions,” you winced.

“Honestly, the best piece of advice I can give you right now is to just read into it.” Hyunjin told you, earning vigorous nods from Jisung and Felix.

“We should probably be heading back now, before Chan starts to get suspicious,” Felix murmured.

This made Hyunjin giggle, “yeah, I told him I was coming here to call you guys.”

Upon reaching back to the small barbecue area, you saw that Chan was already seated, giving you a soft smile when he spotted you.

“Food smells great, thanks guys,” Jisung sighed in satisfaction, him, Felix and Hyunjin having shared some sort of unspoken agreement to let Chan sit next to you, unbeknownst to you.


Suppressing the tension in you that you were feeling whenever Chan had reached over to put things on your plate, you had started eating, all of them falling silent when they ate, which you didn’t mind. But you knew Jisung did, and you wished you could disappear when he’d broken the silence.

“How’s your ear healing?” He asked pointedly over a mouthful of food, earning a confused hum from Felix, whose hand went up to his own ear with a frown.

“Ear? Who’s ear?” Felix followed Jisung’s gaze and realised you had a new piercing on your ear, his eyes widening, “woah, when did you get that done? It looks great! Dude, doesn’t it look great?”

He nudged Chan with his foot, making the older boy turn to you, nodding blankly, though his ears had started to grow redder with every second.

“I did it for her,” he shrugged, his casual demeanour making Felix nod slowly, a small smile appearing on his face as he gave Chan a knowing look.

“Thought you usually let Hyunjin do piercings?” Felix questioned pointedly, amusement laced in his tone.

Chan simply shrugged, pretending to be occupied with his food, “yeah, not always.”

You glared at Felix, telepathically asking him what he was trying to do, seeing him do a little happy dance in his seat, pretending not to notice your glare.

“Are we gonna set up the campfire after this?” Hyunjin asked, seeming to have taken pity on you, earning nods and hums in response. 


“We need to get the firewood from the back first,” Jisung mentioned, giving you a particularly pointed look.

You raised your eyebrows, trying to figure out what he was trying to imply before you realised.

“I can go get it later,” you offered (curse peer pressure), missing the way Hyunjin and Felix looked at Chan, exchanging triumphant looks when Chan had cleared his throat.

“I can go with you, it’s too much to carry on your own,” he proposed smoothly, his gaze meeting yours and his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

“Enjoy your date,” Jisung coughed, making you roll your eyes. You hoped the campfire would be over quickly.

While the rest of them were clearing up and setting up the snacks, you and Chan had gone to go get the firewood.

You would’ve usually found the silence to be quite soothing, with the way you could hear the crickets chirping and the gentle swishing of the lake, not to mention the way the air had gotten cooler from when you’d arrived. However, something about your discussion from just now had made your thoughts spiral into an endless cycle of trying to figure out what every one of his actions meant.

“Are you alright?” You asked abruptly after you noticed he wasn’t making any move to start any conversation.

“What makes you ask that?” He let out a small amused huff.

“I don’t know.. you know, like, Hyunjin told me just now in the car that you didn’t get much sleep these days and stuff…”

Chan gasped, holding his hand up to his mouth in exaggerated shock, “are you actually…worried for me?” He teased.

Scoffing, you ignored his giggles as you replied, “of course, I was. You slept like a log for the whole car ride,” you grit your teeth with feigned annoyance at him.

Chan shook his head calmly, not being able to help the smile from his face at your concern. “Honestly, you don’t have to worry about me. I mean, this is my job. I know that there will be times where I have to be tired to know that i’m moving forward, you know?” He shrugged, making you frown.

“That’s…true, I guess,” you murmured, seeing him step before you to open what looked like a garage door, seeing the firewood there, letting him pass some to you, “but you know…I couldn’t help but worry.”

Chan let out a surprised hum, taking a bunch of firewood in his arms, letting the door fall closed before he locked it back.

“Why? Did you think I wouldn’t take care of myself?” He asked, a small smirk on his face.

You nodded, “obviously, yes.”

Chan shrugged, “guess you have no choice but to take care of me, then.”

Your breath hitched, almost letting your firewood slip from your arms. Regaining your composure with a scoff, you ignored the way he giggled at your flustered expression.

Straightening up, you huffed at him, clenching your firewood tighter, “you’ve got to stop saying things like that.”

“Why?”

“Just….because,” you struggled to form a proper answer, knowing you couldn’t just expose yourself now, thankful that you were already reaching the campfire site.

Felix gave you guys a big wave when he saw you approaching them, cupping his hands around his mouth before yelling, “took you long enough!”

After struggling to light the fire, you’d sat in between Chan and Hyunjin, the warmth from the fire slightly uncomfortable but soothed by the soft wind blowing against your face and neck.

You were surprised to see how fast the sun set here, but strangely it put you in a calmer mood, maybe it was because you couldn’t see as much but you didn’t push the feeling away.

“Here,” you were interrupted from your stargazing when you saw a stick with a roasted marshmallow attached to the tip in front of you.

Looking at it hesitantly, you made a slight sound of uncertainty, feeling too full from your meal for snacks.

Shaking your head no, he gasped, “you have to try them, it’ll be good, I promise,” he nodded encouragingly at you.

Chan brought the stick closer to your lips, and you’d wanted to take it from him but it was already almost pressing against your lips, so you’d given up, ignoring Jisung’s smirk and taking the marshmallow into your mouth.

You gave a small hum at the sweetness, not having expected it to be so soft, smiling unconsciously when you saw the grin that he gave you after seeing your reaction.

After talking with the guys about their stories from the past whenever they came here, well, by they you meant Hyunjin and Chan, but you enjoyed the stories nonetheless. Something about the area holding more of an attractive charm to you.

After some time had passed and the sky had gotten even darker than before, you didn’t miss the way Chan had gotten quieter as time passed, simply smiling along with the stories but his eyes doing nothing to hide his fatigue.

Figuring it was about time to call it a day, you turned to Jisung to mouth ‘I’m tired’.

Jisung gave you a look that mirrored yours, nodding. Thankfully, he’d already made to stand up, Chan turning to give him a curious look.

“Hey, we’re gonna call it a day, you guys are free to continue hanging out if you want,” the rest of the boys nodded, Chan turning to you with a tired smile, reminding you of the car ride you shared, the look on his face making you want to just reach over and cup his cheeks, refraining from doing so by standing up abruptly, nodding.

“Goodnight, sweetie,” he smiled, eyes turning to crescents, making you smile in spite of your embarrassment, practically having to pull Jisung along with you back to the cabin with how much he was giggling.

Flopping onto the bed and getting ready to sleep afterwards, you’d feelt Jisung slip into the bed next to you, turning to face you with narrowed eyes.

“Don’t think I didn’t see what was happening at the lake just now,” he muttered, not being able to help the smile from his face.

“What exactly did you see?” you asked, just wanting to be sure he wasn’t just lying to make you admit to things (as usual).

“Oh yeah? Don’t act as if I didn’t see all of this,” he grabbed the pillow, grasping and looking at it with a hooded gaze, leaning closer only to pull back abruptly, directing his wide-eyed glare at you.

Jisung’s expression soon changed to one that was sheepish, “actually now that i’m thinking of it, maybe I shouldn’t have interrupted you guys,” he hummed, “but maybe it was a good thing too, if not I wouldn’t know what time you guys would return to the cabin,” he snickered, making you scoff.

Rolling your eyes, you’d reached past him to turn off the bedside lamp, “night, Jisung,” you sighed, for lack of a better retort.

You knew Jisung better than to have expected him to reply normally, rolling your eyes when you heard him muster a scarily accurate impression of Chan, “night, sweetie.”

“Shut up, Jisung.”

===

You weren’t sure what time it was, but all you knew was that when you woke up Jisung was still in bed snoring. Carefully stepping out so you wouldn’t wake him, you stepped out of bed, spotting Felix already huddled around the tv there with Hyunjin.  

“Morning,” Felix greeted, making Hyunjin turn around to greet you with a nod as well.

“Uh-huh,” you yawned, dragging yourself over to them. “What’s the plan for today?”

“Hyunjin and I thought it’d be a fun idea for us to play games today, and since it’s only a few of us I thought it’d be a good chance for you and Chan to, you know…” Felix dropped his voice to a whisper, “bond.”

“Jisung would love that,” you shook your head in dread, your thoughts wandering back to Chan, about to ask where he was.

“He went for a run, if that’s what you’re wondering,” Hyunjin told you with an amused lilt to his tone, making you flush in embarrassment.

“What makes you think I was wondering that?” you scoffed, tilting your chin up defiantly at him, your gaze looking him up and down for added intimidation (not that Hyunjin cared, of course).

Hyunjin merely shrugged, giggling, “pretty sure you know the answer to that yourself.”

You left them in the living room to go take a shower, sitting on the bed when you were done, shaking Jisung awake gently.

Jisung groaned, his hands coming up to rub his eyes, “what time is it?”

“Almost one, please get up. Felix and Hyunjin said we’re gonna play some bonding games today,” you sighed, laughing when you saw the way he stretched his arms out above his head, his eyes scrunching shut.

“Bonding games?” he whined, “the hell? I feel like I’m at a school camp,” he whined.

“He says the winner gets to dine free at peaches for a month,” he perked up at that, sitting up in bed.

“A very good school camp,” he corrected, an impressed hum leaving his lips.

Rolling your eyes, you saw him get up, moving to go to the bathroom to wash up, “I’m gonna go find things to eat,” you hummed, hearing him grunt in response, which you took as your cue to leave, stepping out of the room and walking to the kitchen area.

Fortunately or unfortunately for you, Chan was there, standing leaning against the counter in all of his post-workout glory, dressed in another black sleeveless shirt and shorts, sipping water and using his phone.

“Morning, sweetie,” he greeted with a smile, strangely making you nervous, suddenly unable to make eye contact with him.

“Heard from Hyunjin that we’re staying in the cabin today?” he asked, bringing his water bottle up to his lips to take a long sip.

You nodded, and as if on cue, Felix had entered the house, pushing his damp-looking hair away from his forehead as he walked over to where you were.

“It’s starting to rain outside, so I don’t think outdoor activities are much of an option right now,” he gestured out the window.

Following his gaze to the window you realized that it really was raining, the droplets slowly decorating the window.

“There’s a few board games near the fireplace, we can just play with those,” Chan gestured to the living room and Felix nodded, already making his way over.

“I’m gonna go shower, you guys can start first if you’re all ready,” he called before walking off leaving you and Felix in the living room to fish out the board games from the cupboard. You were surprised to find that they were still in good condition, not having expected them to be anything but dusty after being kept in the cupboard for god-knows-how-long.

“Okay, so we have a few options,” Felix murmured, picking up the games as he spoke, “there’s ‘uno’, there’s ‘monopoly deal’, whatever this is, ‘clue’..” he trailed off once he didn’t recognize whatever the rest of the games were.

“I’m leaning towards ‘uno’,” Felix hummed, considering the games as seriously as you’d ever seen him, not even looking away when you heard one of the doors open, Jisung making his way over to where you guys were, Hyunjin following behind him with a yawn.

“What are those?” Jisung asked.

“Board games, come here, take a look,” you beckoned him and Hyunjin over, seeing them bring a few games of their choice over to the coffee table, the four of you taking your places naturally at each side of the table.

“Should we decide on lunch first? I’m hungry,” Hyunjin suggested, whining and patting his stomach like a child.

Felix had raised his phone up at that, a smug look on his face, “I ordered us some pizza just now because I saw that they delivered here.”

You sighed at the thought of food as you thanked Felix, beginning to grow peckish at the thought of food, directing your attention towards the television in your attempt to find a distraction.

“Does that tv work?” You asked, seeing Hyunjin nod, leaning his arms on the coffee table to support his head as he waited for Felix to distribute the cards in his clumsy, Felix way.

“I watched some movies on it this morning, they’ve only been playing Christmas movies though, the channels are pretty limited.”

“I’m fine with Christmas movies,” you hummed, Jisung sighing deeply beside you.

“I wish it was Christmas.”

Changing your location to the sofa, you made yourself comfortable as Felix chose the channel, Jisung insisting on dimming the lights for the living room to look more cozy, after which he made his way over to where you were seated on the sofa.

“Can I sit here,” Jisung pointed next to you with a pointed look, “or did you already reserve it for your boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?”

Jisung’s head snapped around to see Chan coming into the living room, dressed in a baby blue sweater and black sweatpants, his hair slightly damp and messy on his head. The sight of his smirk flustering you into fixing your gaze on the television.

Jisung’s mouth clamped shut quickly, shaking his head dismissively as Hyunjin struggled to stifle a laugh.

Chan had ‘let’ Jisung sit on the sofa next to you, seating himself on the space on the floor between the coffee table and the sofa in front of where you sat, his proximity causing you to pick up the hint of cologne he was wearing.

“Oh, Christmas movies! Nice,” Chan commented, earning a ‘I know right?’ from Felix, meanwhile Jisung was wiggling his eyebrows at you, using his index finger and thumb to pinch his sweater and pointing at Chan, which you figured was Jisung’s sign language for ‘doesn’t he look good in that sweater?’

Ignoring Jisung for the sake of your sanity, the uno cards went ignored as the group of you focused on the movie. Something about the mood of the movie served to put you in a calm mood, ( or maybe it was Chan’s presence, you couldn’t tell ) so much so that you didn’t realise how quickly time passed until you heard a knock at the door.

You wouldn’t know this but Chan was thankful for his seat in front of you, figuring that if he were seated next to you he wouldn’t have been able to think about anything other than putting his arm around you or something cheesy like that.

Jumping up quickly, Felix offered to take the pizza, coming back to the living room with the boxes and a too-large bottle of sofa, placing it onto the coffee table with a harsh thud.

Hyunjin was quick to start eating, and Chan had turned his head around to look at you, shifting to the left to make space for you on the floor. You know, just out of his consideration.

Giving him an appreciative nod, you reached over to take a slice, not missing the way Chan poured drinks for everyone, silently doing things for them to take care of them, something about it making your heart swell just a little bit more.

“Can we play a game after this? The movie’s getting kind of boring,” Jisung frowned, his tone extra desperate, you should’ve known his intentions when he’d waited until Chan wasn’t looking to shoot you a wink.

Shrugging and murmurs of ‘yeah why not’ or ‘sure’s sounded among the group, Felix turning to Chan with a knowing look on his face.

“This one’s really competitive when it comes to games,” he gestured at Chan with his pizza crust.

Chan lowered his head, a shy smile on his face, his clean hand coming up to touch his ear, though he made no effort to deny Felix’s accusation.

“Really?” You asked, hoping you hadn’t replied too quickly, seeing Hyunjin nod gravely at you.

“I thought I was competitive but that was until I swam with him,” Hyunjin said with a raise of his eyebrows, shaking his head.

“It’s your fault for thinking you could go against him, you of all people knew he won all those medals in the past,” Felix laughed, making Hyunjin let out a stubborn huff.

“Medals?” Jisung hummed thoughtfully, nudging you with his knee.

“Yeah, I was in a lot of swimming competitions when I was younger,” Chan told you, a rather embarrassed expression on his face.

“A lot,” Felix echoed, a strange feeling building inside you from the new-found information, something in you finding the thought of baby Chan swimming absolutely endearing.

“Enough about me,” Chan waved his hand in dismissal, “let’s just play, okay?” Chan changed the topic quickly, making Jisung jeer but moving to clear the table nonetheless.

Once you were all done clearing up and washing your hands, Jisung having made sure to occupy a lot more space so it left you and Chan with little space, you’d returned to the living room, seeing they’d already laid out different games on the table.

You realized they’d decided on playing uno first, leaning over to Jisung with an urgency to your gaze.

“Why are we playing this?” you whispered harshly, panic in your eyes, earning a snort from Jisung, who shielded his cards from you almost immediately. Talk about friendship.

“I’m not teaching it to you again, you never listen to me,” he scolded you, making you frown as he pushed your stack of cards towards you, “face your fate, loser.”

The game had started, all of them seeming to know what was going on, and you hoped it wouldn’t be too obvious that you didn’t know what you were doing, always having to clarify if what you were doing was correct before putting it down, and it was no surprise that you were always at the brunt of the ‘+’ cards, Chan noticing not long into the game that you weren’t necessarily going in with a strategy.

“Uno!” You heard Felix shout, followed by Chan, and you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.

“Wait, so do you win?” you mumbled, your hand coming up to touch your deck anxiously, peering at the middle stack of cards in confusion.

Chan laughed, “not yet, we still have to clear the last card.”

Nodding slowly, you simply followed the flow of the game, already having given up on winning, especially when Hyunjin yelped, Chan setting down his last card with a triumphant grin on his face.

Your lips parted in shock, about to set your cards down to reshuffle when you heard Jisung call out, “Second best!” and the game proceeded.

Chan leant back and rested his weight on his hands, tilting his head and peering over at your hand, a small giggle leaving him at the neat arrangement of the cards by colour and value.

You lifted the card of your choice slightly, showing it to him, silently asking what he thought, and he leant over to tell you which ones you could put down, and as you continued you were shocked at the rapid rate your hand was decreasing in number.

Your breath hitched, body tensing slightly when Chan had rest a arm on your shoulder, not having noticed how close he was to you until now ( and neither had he ), his left hand going up to either direct you or place the card down for you.

“Why does this feel so different from how I usually play?” you marvelled as he’d basically played for you.

“Maybe because Chan actually knows what he’s doing,” Jisung snickered, earning chuckles from Felix and Hyunjin as you scoffed.

As if by some miracle, Chan had helped you win the second place, earning protests from Felix who insisted that it doesn’t count because Chan played for you, to which you ignored, obviously.

Demanding for a break to regain his composure, Jisung had slumped against the sofa in defeat, and you’d almost instinctively reached over to nudge him when you realised Chan’s arm was still weighing on your shoulder.

He shifted his arm, bringing his hand up to push your hair away from your ear, “sorry, d’you mind? Just wanna check if it’s healing alright.”

You nodded, your gaze following Felix leaving to get more snacks, Hyunjin eyeing you suspiciously.

“Was it alright after we went swimming yesterday?”

You nodded, trying to ignore the way Jisung was tucking his hair behind his ear obviously behind Chan, batting his eyes at you.

“I think you can give it a few more weeks and it should be all healed,” he nodded, bringing his hand off of your shoulder, an unreadable expression on his face, which only served to make you more nervous. Chan wasn’t sure why he’d done this to himself, the urge to just bring you somewhere away from the boys and kiss you starting to become a little suffocating.

"I should probably still visit you, right? Just to be sure,” you murmured, averting your gaze to the bracelet on his wrist.

Chan smiled, his eyebrows lifting slightly in amusement, “you don’t need an excuse to come and see me… ”

And just like that, you dared yourself to meet his gaze again, instantly regretting your action when you saw the way Chan was glancing between your eyes and your lips, the giddy feeling building within you almost making you forget that Hyunjin and Jisung were in the room.

The boys wouldn’t have this, of course, and they’d made their presence known, Jisung’s loud cough making Chan’s gaze dart up, and in your shock you’d immediately put some distance between the both of you, flushing from how reckless you’d almost been. This wasn’t like you.

Standing up, you excused yourself to go to the washroom, Chan seeming to have regained his composure fairly quickly judging by the giggle that had escaped him from seeing how flustered you were.

“Hello?” Hyunjin chided, “we’re still here, you know.”

Chan sighed, “unfortunately.”

This made Jisung gasp, “that’s gross,” he shivered exaggeratedly, turning to Hyunjin, “speaking of which, when should we start heading back?”

Hyunjin glanced at the time as Felix was making his way back to the living room, “I think we can play one or two more games before we start to leave, we already packed up the rest of our stuff last night after you and Y/N went to sleep.”

“I’ve got this family dinner tonight, so I don’t think i’ll be joining you guys for dinner,” Felix pouted, earning a grunt of acknowledgement from Hyunjin.

Jisung pursed his lips, looking as though he were about to say something, finally relaxing his shoulders and shrugging, "I have no excuse. I just want to go home and sleep.”

“What about you, Chan?” Hyunjin asked, earning a shrug from the older boy. “Don’t you still have to finish up that design for next week?” Hyunjin prompted, referring to the client that Chan had been specially dealing with recently.

Chan shook his head, “that can wait till tomorrow,” he sighed.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, you’d splashed your face with water, hoping that you could lessen the heat you felt from your previous encounter with Chan. Giving yourself a resolute stare in the mirror as you convinced yourself that your cheeks totally weren’t pink right now.

After much convincing, you decided you were spending a little too much time in the washroom, returning to the living room at a reluctant pace, nervous at the sight of the boys all seated there talking and laughing.

“Did you show Jisung that thigh piece you did for that girl?” your eyes widened at Hyunjin’s question.

Thigh piece? You’d reminded yourself that tattoos could be anywhere, even places you would be too flustered to let Chan touch.

Chan was the first to notice that you were back, shooting you an amused smirk once you were seated next to him.

“Are you..better?” he teased, making you roll your eyes, waving him off.

“What are you guys talking about?” you asked, curious yet scared of your possible discovery.

“Chan did this sick piece for this girl, it was huge, it took him like 3 days,” Hyunjin said, words speeding up in his excitement as he took his phone out to show you the design.

Hyunjin had shoved his phone at Felix first, earning a low sound of approval from Felix, “wow, this is so cool.”

You grew more curious as the phone was passed to Jisung, all the while Chan simply smiled shyly, dimples appearing in his satisfaction that his work was being appreciated.

“This whole thing?! Where did she get it on?” Jisung exclaimed, making you furrow your eyebrows, suspicion rising.

Jisung shoved Hyunjin’s phone before you, and you saw a large detailed work that looked like a lady you would see in those scary lara croft movies.

Your eyes widened, a part of you feeling a little intimidated by the image.

“She said she wanted something that was like... a little creepy with like tomb raider vibes so I just went with it,” Chan explained, making you nod thoughtfully, hoping your shock wasn’t too obvious.

“You didn’t answer the question about the placement, though,” Felix spoke up with a curious lilt to his tone, looking down at his thigh and trying to mark out with his hand possible areas to place a tattoo like that.

“It’s a little hard to describe, we spent a while discussing but we eventually decided that we’d put it somewhere here,” Chan leaned over to Felix who had his leg already stretched out, placing a hand at the side of Felix’s upper thigh, marking an area that covered a little bit of the butt and most of the side of his thigh.

“It was crazy, the details were really amazing,” Hyunjin let out a low whistle.

“Thanks,” Chan laughed, making you scrunch your nose, your first thought being how the process would be like, knowing whoever was getting the tattoo would have to be showing quite a bit of skin to get it done. Since when were you so uptight? Snap out of it, it was just a tattoo on her thigh, no big deal.

Though you couldn’t help but turn to Jisung, lowering your volume to a discreet murmur.  

“Does that mean she had to take off her pants?!” you whispered harshly, making Jisung burst into a bout of hearty laughter.

“Is that your concern? because I mean, it’s not like Chan’s gonna tattoo her clothes, right?” Jisung’s chest heaved with how hard he was laughing, his statement catching Chan’s attention, said boy turning to you with an amused look.

“What’s wrong, baby? Are you shy?”

Jisung squealed, and you pitied Hyunjin for sitting next to Jisung because now he was the victim of Jisung’s hits.

You sucked in a sharp breath, feigning confidence by glaring at Chan, though on the inside you already knew you were more than flustered from his comment, wondering what gave him the audacity to be so bold.

“Mayhaps…” Hyunjin gave you a teasing smirk, “jealous?”

Felix’s eyes widened, excitedly tapping his leg in anticipation.

“Shut up,” you waved your hands, shooting a look at Chan, “I’m going to get water,” you murmured, starting to get up when you saw Chan stand up as well.

“I’ll go too,” he said, raising his hands up in defence when he saw you turn around to glare at him, “what? I just wanna look at what snacks we can bring back.”

Sighing, you let him follow behind you to the kitchen, pouring yourself a glass of water while he rummaged in the cupboards for snacks that caught his eye.

Lowering your voice to a murmur so the boys wouldn’t hear, you grit your teeth, “I told you you have to stop saying things like that,” you muttered, holding your glass of water to your lips and leaning against the kitchen counter.

Chan made a confused sound, closing the cupboard while he had a few bags of snacks in his hand, “stuff like what?”

You shot him a look, “you know what i’m talking about. Look, I know it might be fun or whatever for you to flirt but it’s gonna be your problem when I start… feeling some way about it,” you snapped, annoyance taking over you at how even at this moment you still managed to find Chan absolutely attractive.

Chan looked at you with a soft smile on his face, raising his eyebrows slightly at you, “go ahead.” He took a step towards you, making you furrow your eyebrows.

“What?”

Chan moved closer so he was just about to walk past you, leaning over so his lips were barely touching your ear, and it took you every inch of willpower in you not to flinch away.

“I want it to make you feel something,” he murmured, walking back into the living room nonchalantly after that, leaving you stunned in the kitchen.

“Y/N get your things! We’re leaving soon!” You heard Jisung’s voice snap you from your trance, nodding to yourself and finishing the rest of your water and walking over to your shared room with Jisung.

“Dude! Chan is stressing me out,” you whisper-shouted once you entered the room, seeing Jisung turn around like a deer caught in the headlights.

“What did he say?”

You recounted what happened in the kitchen to Jisung, who was an excited wreck after you were done, clenching his fists next to his head in his sheer inability to contain his excitement.

“He totally likes you, it’s so obvious at this point, what more is there to think about?” he told you matter-of-factly.

Sucking in a sharp breath, carrying your bag on your shoulder and squeezing your eyes shut before opening your eyes harshly, you shook your head.

“I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna say to him when I see him at peaches… can we change our spot?” You shot Jisung a look, though the both of you knew you had no plans whatsoever to change cafes.

“Hey, don’t worry, you’ll be fine.”

Surprisingly, that served to be of some consolation for you during the dead silence on the ride back, Chan having fallen asleep again but this time he’d leant against the window so that saved you from more stress, you guessed.

Hyunjin had dropped Felix off at his house for  his family dinner first, followed by Jisung who was insistent on wanting to sleep.

You remembered Chan mentioning to Hyunjin at the start of the ride that he wanted to head to the shop after dinner so you didn’t bother waking him up when you’d reached your house, figuring he should get as much sleep as he can if he was going to be working later on, choosing to text him instead.

5:57pm -hey, didn’t wanna wake u just now so ill say bye to u here instead haha-

Once you were home, you couldn’t help but wonder if Chan was going to call you again today, like how he usually did. But after almost applying shampoo on your body in your distraction you’d decided not to make yourself too anxious about it, choosing to tidy up your house and watch movies to kill time since you wanted to enjoy the rest of your holiday while you could.

Thanks to a little too many romantic comedies, you’d successfully forgotten you were waiting for Chan to call you, already halfway through devouring your ice-cream sundae when you’d startled at the sound of your phone ringing.

Peeking at the caller id, you were almost embarrassed at how quickly you’d answered once you saw Chan’s contact name, putting the phone on speaker on your lap.

“Hey,” you heard him murmur, his tone soft and gentle, yet there was something about it that sounded a little on edge, “hope I didn’t interrupt you when you were about to sleep or anything.”

You shook your head, “oh, no, not at all, I was just... chilling,” you shrugged, picking up your remote to turn the volume down on your tv.

“Are you home?” He asked you, earning an affirmative hum from you.

“You?”

“Nah, I left the shop a short while ago… ”

You wracked your brain for a response, your mind running wild imagining all the possible ways the conversation could go.

Was he going to ask you about what happened in the kitchen? Or should you have asked him instead?

Whatever it was, the longer you kept silent, the more your heart picked up speed, a part of you growing desperate to confront him and just ask him about it over the phone because you knew you wouldn’t have to face him in real life if you did— no matter how cowardly it was of you.

“Oh, please be careful, it’s really late,” you murmured, wincing at your shitty reply.

You heard him huff on the other line, “oh, yeah. Totally… don’t scold me but…I feel a lot better after hearing your voice.”

Stunned into silence, you were unsure how to react, a nervous laugh leaving your lips, “list—”

“Can—” you’d spoken simultaneously, a laugh escaping you. 


“You go first,” you insisted, scooping the last bits of your ice cream up as you waited anxiously.

“I was actually wondering uh… can we talk? I’m almost at your house.”

Your eyes widened, glancing at the door in shock, placing your ice cream down on the table haphazardly.

“Oh, uh, yeah sure. Of course we can, gimme a sec,” you said, hurriedly putting on the jacket you had draped over the sofa next to you since you weren’t wearing a bra, hearing the knock at your door when you hadn’t even finished slipping your arm through the sleeve yet.

“Just a minute!” You shouted, hanging up the call and jogging over to the door, opening it to reveal Chan.

You’d tensed up almost instantly, the time of the night coupled with  something about the way the light from your house hit him making him look like he was glowing.

“Hey,” you breathed, seeing him give you a close-lipped smile. “Come in,” you ushered him in, closing the door behind him, though he stayed at your door, looking almost scared to walk any further.

“I’m sorry, again, for coming so unannounced it’s just that… this has been, you know, weighing on my mind for the longest time and after what happened in the kitchen earlier today I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry,” he blurted, his hand coming up to grasp the back of his neck, letting go and letting his hand fall back to his side.

You hoped you didn’t look too dumbfounded.

“Sorry? For what?”

“Nah, like… I was thinking about it just now and I realised that I never thought about how I could be like, you know, imposing my feelings on you and I know that just because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean you have to feel the same way and I just felt really bad because I never meant to put you on the spot or—”

“Chan, calm down,” you laughed, hands naturally going up to his shoulders to rub them reassuringly.

He nodded, meeting your gaze and sucking in a sharp breath before sighing deeply, “you know what? I’m just gonna say it. I’m sorry, in advance. Just so you know, you can reject me, i’m perfectly fine with it. I just have to tell you this before I lose my mind,” he huffed, heaving another sigh.

“I know it’s no secret but… I like you Y/N.”

Your eyes widened, your smile growing bigger, unable to help yourself because of how endearing it felt to see Chan who usually looked so intimidating and confident suddenly become this rambling wreck before you.

“Me too,” you nodded, suddenly feeling more confident now that you knew how he felt, the knowledge spurring you on.

“I’m sorry—wait, you do?”

You nodded, “I’m surprised you couldn’t tell, I did for a while now… ”

Chan let out a relieved sigh, and you felt his shoulders relax under your touch, his hands going up to cover yours which were placed on his shoulders, grasping them gently, his hands cold to the touch.

“Thank—now I’m glad I came here. I thought hearing your voice would be enough but now that I’m here I’m thinking, seeing you…” his hands peeled yours away from his shoulders, interlocking his fingers with yours, “feeling you,” he took a step closer to you, so close that you could feel the warmth radiating from him.

“Is so much better,” he muttered.

It was as if you were transported back to the lake, with the way you felt him leaning closer to you, and taking a step back, you felt your back hit the door gently, his thumbs smoothing over the back of your hands, making you giggle.

“So, I take it as I’ll be receiving more… ‘dinner offers’?” You said, mustering your last bit of confidence.

Chan let out an amused huff, taking his lower lip between his teeth gently and shaking his head at you. Leaning down, Chan brought your hands up to press them against the door on either side of your head, his head dipping down to your neck, pressing a kiss to your neck, the way just the smallest of gasps left you making him smile.

“You really… drive me crazy, sweetie,” he murmured, the smile practically evident in his tone.

Moving his head higher, he pressed a soft kiss to your jaw, the cold metal of his lip ring making you shiver, pulling away so he was face-to-face with you.

“May I?” He smiled, and you’d wished you could have cupped his face and kissed him right there, and it seemed as though he’d read your mind, letting go of your hands.

Once he did so, you’d taken the opportunity to cup the sides of his face, your hands closer to his ears, pulling him closer and pressing your lips against his.

Feeling Chan smile into the kiss, you’d almost shivered at the feeling of his hands going to your shoulders before running them down slowly to your waist, deepening the kiss as he gave your waist a small squeeze, making you utter a surprised sound, sighing into the kiss as you felt his hands going down to grasp your hips.

“Ice cream?” he hummed after you’d felt him lick your lower lip, making you scoff, not knowing how to respond to him, which had only served to further amuse him.  

Feeling confident, he pulled away only slightly (eliciting a rather disappointed sound from you), surprising you when you felt his teeth nip lightly at your lips, making you pull away, cheeks flushing.

“So,” you ignored his comment, pulling away in your shock, seeing him tilt his head at you with a giddy smile on his face, as if he hadn’t just done whatever he did in the past minute, “I take that as a yes?”

Chan hummed, pressing a hand against your back and pulling you closer to him so your chest was flush against his, smirking at the way your hands had almost come up to cover yourself.

“Kiss me again and I’ll tell you my answer.”

[sevensided]

how did you get into writing fic? i'd love to start but idk even where to begin! I loved adats so I was wondering do you have any advice?

Oh my goodness! I am so flattered you’ve asked me this. Yes, I can absolutely help. I’ll throw a bunch of rambling under the cut.

I started writing fic probably when I was... sixteen years old? A lot of my early works were oneshots. I couldn’t figure out how to do anything plot heavy for the life of me, so I just stuck to AUs or whatever I felt like. I wasn’t in any particular fandom -- I really wrote whatever I had ideas for. I remember I tried once to do a plot-heavy story and I received a review absolutely ripping it to shreds. Like, it was so cruel I cried lol. I ended up deleting the fic. Years later, I get what they were trying to say (basically, more substance, less style), but at the time it cut to the quick. Really, it was only when I was in my twenties that I started writing work that was longer and/or better.

The fandom that helped me actually write plot heavy work was a historical-based fandom. As I’m a historian, it was perfect. I got to use my research skills and knowledge to create works that, above all, aimed to feel authentic. I mainly read historical fiction, so I was familiar with how that genre worked. Miraculously, people loved my work. I think I wrote about ~200k in the period of a year? These were several short stories (20-40k) and a few oneshot filler fics. While I was part of this fandom I also helped organise a Big Bang which was a lot of hard work but was extremely rewarding. Along with that, I interacted mainly with other fic writers, so I spent a lot of time chatting to people about ideas and encouraging other writers, and it just created a lovely medley where no concept was impossible or any line of dialogue too difficult. We supported each other and it was truly like a little commune. I gradually stepped away from the fandom mainly because it was just a part of my life at a very specific time, and almost as soon as that time was over, my love for that story/ship faded, but I firmly believe I figured out a lot of how/what I do now purely through that experience.

Regarding ADATS

With ADATS, it stemmed entirely from wanting to “explain” three months in canon (at the end of season three). I was interested in the idea of season four setting up Will/Mike in canon, and I wanted to test the source material to see if I could draw from what already existed to create something authentic. I began with that simple idea: what happened from July to October in 1985? Then I thought about the major themes I wanted to hit -- family, friendship, coming of age, sexuality -- and I nested them around the bigger concept: how do I get Mike from being ostensibly straight to realising he is gay? That meant thinking of two steps: Mike discovering his attraction to guys; Mike discovering his attraction to Will. Those two concepts were separate “arcs” that needed addressing in different ways. Balance was key to weaving them together and making the reader feel like they knew what was coming (and that they felt smart for putting the pieces together) without just rushing through and going “now kiss!” That’s partly why ADATS needs a sequel, lol: because it’s not finished!

Writing process

The first thing I do when I start to get an idea is I write it down. Sounds obvious. But when you have a killer line of dialogue come to you in the shower and you think “I’ll remember that” -- reader, you will not remember it. You gotta get it down ASAP! I do that the whole way through, as generally I’ll be thinking of scenes I’m stuck on and then it’ll just come to me and I’ll quickly jot it down.

The next thing -- or what I do in the meantime -- is start structuring. I plan. I try to plan a lot. Sometimes it’s okay to write “and something happens here to get them here”, because you’ll figure it out later, but for the most part I’ve discovered that planning is like gold and you can’t get enough of it. I break my work up into generally 3-4 parts/sections, and I treat each section like a mini story. So each part needs a conflict and resolution, and it needs to flow into the next section. You need to have a feeling of things evolving and maturing. Once I’ve planned those little bits, I start thinking about the bigger plot arc and how I can drop in hints along the way. I’m probably not a subtle or skilled enough writer to yet pull off that sort of gasping twist you get in really excellent books, but I’m trying to get there. It’s hard, is what I’m trying to say, but that’s okay, because we’re all learning.

Then I generally do aesthetic stuff. Sounds stupid, probably. But nothing helps me get more into a mood than doing a Pinterest board or -- most of all -- making a Spotify mix. I start thinking about the vibe and the general atmosphere, and then I almost exclusively listen to that mix when I’m working. Sort of like muscle memory? Just to get the creative juices associated with that particular selection of songs.

Another thing I’ll do along with plot structure is character structure. This is a biggie. I mean, a story is nothing without characters. So I’ll just jot down a bunch of bullet points of characters and particular aspects that I want to highlight or remember. I hate continuity errors in fiction. Like, if someone says they work on Maple Street but later in the fic they’re working on Pine Street. I hate that. So I keep note of specific things that my main character might notice at repeated points in the story (colours, places, smells, names, sounds -- so they’re all consistent even as the narrative evolves). That’s another thing -- your characters’ motivations. Not everyone is going to be a huge player, but they all do serve a purpose. The most important character is obviously your main character. I personally think it’s important to let your M.C. be an arse at times. They’re going to be mean, they’re going to misinterpret things or fly off the handle... just let ‘em. Let them be wretched humans, and then bring them back and make them realise what they’ve done. Let them learn! I love consequences in fiction, lol.

At the same time, I’ll probably start writing. We’ve already written down some snippets of neat dialogue or descriptions, but now we should start the actual process. For me, I used to start at the beginning. Usually this was the most fleshed out anyway: I’ll have a clear idea of the beginning and the end, but nothing in the middle. These days, if I have a scene in mind that I can’t forget, I’ll just write it. It will possibly get scrapped or rewritten, but that’s okay, because at least you’ve got it down and now you can devote your brain power to something useful (like figuring out what the middle is supposed to be). I’ll have half a dozen of totally out of context scenes just littered in my Word document that I’ll add to as I go along. Eventually, though, you’re going to start writing properly, and that’s when you write your opening scene.

Opening scenes: super important. Every time I write a scene I think: what is the point of this? What do I want the reader to learn or takeaway? Sometimes you do have filler scenes, but they also serve a different purpose (perhaps to establish a group dynamic or to explore/describe a character’s surroundings). Mainly, though, every scene should push something forward in some way, whether it’s character development or a plot point. So, with an opening scene, I always think you have to establish: where you are; who you are; what they are doing; where they’ve come from (in a philosophical and practical sense); and where they’re going (ditto). That doesn’t have to happen in the first paragraph -- that would be silly. But if you sprinkle that information in over time it’ll gradually build up a picture of your character and that way the reader can get an idea of who they are. You basically need to give a snapshot of what your story is about. This also goes back to the character creator stuff: where they are at the start should be different to where they end up. How that happens is, of course, because of plot, and because you’ve structured everything to the nth degree, we’ve got a very clear progression of that character’s growth (/s easier said than done lol).

General advice

Write down everything: every idea, a bit of dialogue, a description, whatever. Write it down. Doesn’t have to be neat. Just has to be on paper. You can’t remember everything, so if you’re spending time trying to hold those things in your head, it’s taking up space for new ideas to come along.

Structure, plan, structure, plan. Sometimes it’s boring and I hate it. Other times, when I’ve not written in a few days and I open the Word doc and think wtf is this supposed to be, I am very grateful for Past Me for leaving such detailed notes. Seriously, it helps so much. Oneshots don’t really need planning, in my experience. You just get those out there. But multi-chaptered stories really do, even ones that “just” focus on a relationship.

Whatever you want to write, commit to it. Space goblins invade Hawkins? Do it. Eleven and Max find themselves in a cult akin to Midsommar (2019) and must escape? Yes. Just... whatever you want to do, remember that you’re writing it for you. Write what most interests you, what makes you when you reread it go AHHHHH I LOVE THIS!! Because that makes it a thousand times easier to actually get on with the writing when you enjoy what you’re doing.

Write a lot. Every day, if you can, or at least at designated times. Occasionally I have a very specific headspace/vibe I have to be in, but sometimes it just hits me and I’ll say to my partner “I need to write now” and just disappear, lol. The more you write the more you write. It’s so, so, so true. Cannot emphasise this enough. When I wrote that ~200k in twelve months? It was because I literally wrote every. day. Or near enough. Remember that some days you’ll write 200 words, and other days you’ll write 20k (this happened to me with ADATS -- part of the reason I finished it so quickly was because I had sprints of writing 10k+ at a time that only happened because I was in the rhythm of it). Write, write, write. Who cares if it’s crap! No one will see it until you are ready. In the meantime, just write!

Probably last of all (although I could go on and on) is connect with other writers. If you’re struggling to start, sometimes just talking about it can help a huge amount. I hope it goes without saying that you can message me whenever you want, anon or not, and I will talk to you. We can talk about ideas or I can beta stuff, whatever you want! Find like-minded people and talk to them about what you want to do. Another thing this helps is in advertising your work when you do publish. I see a lot of first time fic writers get super down because they publish their magnum opus on AO3 but no one comments. Honestly, it’s because no one knows you’ve published! You don’t have to be tooting your own horn every which way, but just actively talking about your work and even collaborating with other content creators with get you hyped and other people too (and the input and encouragement other fandom members give is just... out of this world. Anon messages helped me finish ADATS when I was really worried I wouldn’t [that’s the truth]. Seriously, support is everything). When you have people excited about your work, you get excited. It’s really as simple as that.

I could go on but this is already horrendously long. I hope even a bit of this helps! If you want to chat or have any more questions, just hit me up any time.

[seasami]

Larry Fic Rec -- June/July

hii!! so I’ve got some fics that I read in June and July (until now). If you see a ✰ next to a title it means I really liked it and it’s one of my favs from the ones I listed. If there’s a 🔒 next to title it means you have to be logged in to read.

[Click on the title for link]

                                               _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

Latitude by nikogda (44k)

Summary: Harry’s a hybrid on a boat about to be hit by a storm and Louis is the human who comes to his rescue. That storm is all the time they have to fall in love before going their separate ways. That is, until almost a year later… 

Ever Since I Tried Your Way by Anonymous ✰ (25k)

Summary: Harry had been kissed before, but never like this.He’d shared sweet, curious kisses behind bleachers and in soda shop booths, one or two more daring ones in cars parked on dark suburban streets, but the girls he’d kissed had never filled him with the desperation that erupted from Louis’ touch. He parted his lips and pulled him closer, as though he could breathe Louis straight into his lungs, as if he could swallow him. He wanted to consume Louis the way he consumed the body and blood of Christ. He wanted to place Louis on his tongue and feel him dissolve into a frothy mess of starch and saliva. He wanted to gulp him down until his teeth were stained purple and he was drunk on him. He wanted him in some violent holy way that made his hands shake where they were twisted in Louis’ shirt.

In 1949 Harry left his bride at the altar, running away from the only life he'd known. When a kindhearted farmer offers him a ride in his truck and a place to sleep the two find themselves inexplicably drawn together. Isolated on Louis' farm with nobody but a field of dairy cows to intrude, the men are finally able to explore the parts of themselves they've spent their lives hiding away.

No Candle No Light (No Friendzone To My Love) by Anonymous (11k)

Summary: Louis glanced at his friend, glaring daggers and Niall chuckled. He looked like his idea could end world hunger and Louis was horrified. [...]“Come on, Niall! Tell me!” Harry insisted, excited.“You can threaten him other than with violence. You said you want a little revenge, right? What if an ex-boyfriend came to reconquer you? You know, the jealous and aggressive kind.”Harry sighed loudly, closing his eyes. Louis frowned, just like Liam and Zayn. What was he talking about? And why was he still looking at Louis that way?“Niall, this could’ve been a nice idea if I had an ex-boyfriend, but-”“Let me explain!” Niall barged in. “ You don’t have an ex-boyfriend but you can pretend you have one! I’m sure Louis would love to help you with that.”Liam almost choked on his wine and Zayn bit so hard on his lip to contain his laughter that it might have bled. Niall looked satisfied as hell, of course he was the little shit, and Louis just had time to flip him the finger before Harry turned to him. He was fucking delighted.

Or the one where helping Harry getting rid of his boyfriend may be the only way to his heart

Sugar by lettersfromvenus (15k) ✰

Summary: 

“I hope our paths will ‘croissant’ again.” 

There’s a little smiley face drawn next to the words, and it’s ridiculous, Louis knows, but he can’t help the swell of butterflies that he feels as he reads over the words once more. An odd fellow indeed, he thinks.A moment later he shakes his head and collects himself, because he really does need to get home; he’s sure that Harry is probably watching him from behind the counter, all sweet, smug smiles and pink cheeks. And if he’s being honest, he’s not entirely sure he won’t toss his groceries into the trash and walk straight back into the bakery if he doesn’t leave now, so… he really does need to get going.

 Before he goes on his way, though, he plucks the note from the top of the container and carefully tucks it inside of his wallet to protect it from the rain.

That’s how it begins.

Only Been Here One Time by alienharry (10k)

Summary: 

“Good morning, Liam. Harry.” Louis nods at them both and then cocks his head. “Are you aware you have four nipples, Harry?”

Harry looks down at his chest, suddenly worried. He doesn’t know how many nipples humans have, but four must not be a usual amount. “Should I have six?”

“Not unless you’ve a litter of kittens to feed.”

Soft Hands, Fast Feet, Can’t Lose by dolce_piccante (112k) ✰

I KNOW ITS ICONIC BUT I READ IT A MONTH AGO SO I THOUGHT I’D INCLUDE IT HERE. 

Summary: American Uni AU. Harry Styles is a frat boy football star from the wealthy Styles Family athletic dynasty. A celebrity among football fans, he knows how to play, he knows how to party, and he knows how to fuck (all of which is well known among his legion of admirers). 

Louis Tomlinson is a student and an athlete, but his similarities to Harry end there. Intelligent, focused, independent, and completely uninterested in Harry’s charms, Louis is an anomaly in a world ruled by football. 

A bet about the pair, who might be more similar than they originally thought, brings them together. Shakespeare, ballet, Disney, football, library chats, running, accidental spooning, Daredevil and Domino’s Pizza all blend into one big friendship Frappucino, but who will win in the end?

It’s All Brand New by midnightwhistleberries (10k)

Summary: “Harry,” Louis intones emphatically, “literally everyone in the U.K. has known that I’m openly bisexual since 2011.” 

“’Cept you, I guess,” supplies Niall. 

In which Harry studies engineering, loves Madonna, and can't tell if Louis likes him or just keeps coming back to the record store because he's some sort of musical hoarder. Louis is famous, Harry has no idea, communication issues are rampant and fluffy pining ensues.

Fool For You by flowercrownfemme, lesbianferrissbueller (46k) ✰

Summary:  “It’s not a game.” Harry scoffed, trying to push past him once more but Louis held his ground. “And I’ve never once told you a lie.” “All you do is lie," Harry argued. "Jests and tricks and made up stories, that’s your trade. I’d never trust a word from your mouth.” “I tell stories,” Louis conceded, “but a good one must be based on truth. And my stories tend to get a bit more truthful when I’m around you, Princess.”

In which Harry is a brooding prince who's scarcely smiled since the death of his mother and Louis is the dashing jester hired to change that.

streetwise hercules by bottomlinsons (7k) 🔒

Summary: I said,” Louis’ voice is venomous, “who the fuck is this?”Right. This is Harry’s part.

(Uni AU, where Louis pretends to be Harry's boyfriend to scare away his one night stands.)

Close Enough To Touch by stinky28 (7k)

Summary: “You are killing it!” The stranger shouts in his ear, to which Louis raises a brow, setting up the next transition and song, bobbing a bit in place before glancing over to the stranger and Oh. Red. 

He’s staring right at a very large, oddly tied red bow tie. It takes up the whole stranger’s chest and..it’s bloody brilliant. He fucking loves it. He feels himself break into a giant grin, looking up at Mr. Red Bowtie’s face and Oh. Fuck. 

OR an au where louis is the dj for the met gala after party and harry can’t leave his side.

Hate Me To The Moon by harrystylesandstuff (83k)

Summary: The last thing Harry wanted was to spend his entire summer stuck with his dad's new fiancée and her kids. He wants no more when he learns she's a very religious dictator, raising a sixteen year old nun and a clean cut potential priest ass kisser.

Everything takes a slightly different turn, however, when Harry finds out his future step-brother is actually the rude stranger he caught sucking off a guy in a pub, far from the reserved Christian his mom thinks he is...

AU where Harry is a sexy nerd, Louis is a great actor, and they both pretend to hate each other's guts to convince themselves they're not feeling things future step-brothers shouldn't feel...

hush. by Wankerville (41k)

Summary: “I don't like you like that, Harry.”

“See,” Harry starts, Louis can hear the smile in his voice, “that's where I think you're lying.”

or an au where small towns suck, louis is losing it, and harry’s just too perfect.

The Unsuccessful Promise by trysomecats (11k)

Summary: At the end of the previous school year, Louis swore to everyone that he would return in the fall as an alpha. He made this promise especially to his arch-nemesis Harry Styles, who has already presented as an alpha himself. Unfortunately over summer break, the worst thing possible happens: Louis presents as an omega. Now school is back in session and he has to return and face the consequences of pre-determining his status. 

Featuring Liam and Zayn as Louis' doting and exasperated parents.

Autumn At My Window by TheCellarDoor (20k) 

Summary: A canon-compliant AU, in which Harry and Louis are both in the band and have been sharing flats and hotel rooms for nearly five years, but never made the leap past 'friends who are too close for comfort'. 

Featuring a lot of pining, Louis' addiction to Harry's scent, and a whole lot of sexual tension that might just snap loose when they decide to spend some time together all on their own.

OKAY! That’s it for now cause I don’t want this post to be too long (oof i’ve read a lot actually). I have Fic Rec June/July Part Two in drafts and im also gonna collect fics that I’ve read on my kindle (its usually above 50k and make a fic rec with them). Stay tuned and follow my blog so you don’t miss it idk <33. 

PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR FEEDBACK ON THIS: I can make: Iconic Fics, My Fav Fics or try and do some themed fic rec. LET ME KNOW IF YOU’D WANT THAT! 

[chaoticspacefam]

2020 In Review: Wordcount Tag

I was tagged for this by @actualanxiousswampwitch​ , thank you! I’m not sure who’s already done or been tagged for this cause I am, once again, late to the party LOL but I shall (no pressure and sorry if you’ve already done it!) tag: @rainofaugustsith​ , @darth-bagel​ , @thatmmolesbian​ , @thelastenvoyyy​ and anybody else who wants to do this. Yes, I promise I mean you!

Words: 45,314

Published: 0 (I’m not counting the couple of Six Sentence tags I’ve gotten, they’re snippets of an unfinished piece & are included below instead :), or roleplay replies, cause that feels like cheating lol.) I actually wrote a lot more than I thought I had, this is a rough guesstimate as well, as my oneshot WIPs tend to be all over the place across something like 6 different documents, some of which have existed since 2018, so I had to guess at how far up to count from the end for some of them, but I think it’s a fair guesstimate XD I also have included lore/worldbuilding docs in this because that was a 3-month long Lockdown 1.0 Boredom/”Canon is a trash fire so I’m ignoring that and making up my own lore” passion project and I’m goddamn proud of how much I wrote for that. It’s the most I’ve written in one stretch (think I finished it over a span of 3 nights or so, once I’d done all the research and made all the notes ofc ^^)

Not Published: 45,314

The Breakdown:

swtor - 45,314

for creeping shadows (my main longfic/part one of the subterfugeverse series) - 1,553  - Aria, stop being difficult! *shakes fists* XD

oneshots - 16,223

lore/worldbuilding (for subterfugeverse naturally) - 23,001 (is this ALL tomato alien lore? pretty much, yes, yes it is :’D ~400 words is “the WIP reworked timeline to correlate my worldbuilding with the canon timeline that was released”, but 98% is just...me thinking way too much about Purebloods and how they deserved way better goddamn lore. I blame @fluffynexu ‘s amazing tomato worldbuilding posts,  reading them when I went looking for “canon” lore one day for the rp is what got me started down that rabbithole (it’s awesome and if you haven’t already you should totally go check hers out too :DD), I had a “fuck you then canon I’ll do it myself too >:L” moment and once I started I couldn’t stop until I’d crapped out literally over 20k words on the subject *whispering* thank you LOL)

zephyrverse au bonus oneshots - 4,537 (stuff I wrote to fill in time gaps or “just cause I had a plot bunny”, relating to mine and k-christine’s zephyrverse au rp. None of these will likely be posted publicly, but they still deserve to be counted as words I wrote this year :’D

As you can see, most of my “muse” this year came from sporadic oneshots :’D The Ahaszaai twins also properly plot-bunnied their way into my brain in late 2019 and haven’t stopped making a nuisance of themselves the whole fucking year. Every time I tried to carry on with a chapter, one of the two of them would pop up like “Nooo write about ME! pay attention to ME!” - Yes, Ni’kasi, I will get to you this year, I promise XD

New Things I Tried:

Just Writing. Not worrying about whether “it wasn’t part of the next chapter” or “it comes from a part in the story that I’m nowhere near close to posting yet”. If I felt like writing something, or for a specific pairing/feeling/scene, whatever. I wrote until I ran outta muse juice. Yeah, it meant I didn’t technically “finish” anything this year BUT - the important thing is I wrote stuff. and that’s all that really matters, eh? :’D

Polyam ships! May not seem like a big deal but I spent a long time talking myself out of them because of internalised toxic monogamy and finally saying “you know what, fuck it! I can ship three or more people together and it can still be a perfectly wholesome, healthy and loving relationship and that’s okay” was a BIG thing for me this year.

Dialogue Scripts: which I didn’t count as wordcount because really it’s just word vomit of general tone/inflection and dialogue that I came up with right before falling asleep which I didn’t want to lose. Basically, if an exchange or a particularly punchy or moving line of dialogue popped into my brain but I wasn’t ready to write the whole scene that it fit into out, but didn’t want to forget the line(s). I wrote it out in movie script/script-style roleplay fashion e.g. Character’s Name: (emotion, hand gestures etc.) [Dialogue here] and so on. I know this is probably a well known trick of the trade, but I never took it seriously until this year. Seriously, do it. It’s great.

Favorite Thing I Wrote:

Hmmm, a snippet for Andronikos/Ni’kasi that I started this week which isn’t posted yet (saving it for this week’s Six Sentence Sunday so look out for it! :D) was pretty fun to work on, I love their dynamic and Kas is suprisingly fun to write for.

Also the Aria/Vano proposal scene that I posted a snippet for the week before last. I’m having great fun with that scene, and I really enjoy putting a non-serious spin on the classic “proposal scene” tropes. Can’t wait to finish it, though it may be a while before the full one goes up on AO3, as it depends whether it ends up fitting in as part of the mainfic or as an additional oneshot

And I have a D’leah/Kissai oneshot that I need to give another once-over before I finally yeet it onto AO3 and Tumblr for you guys to see :’D

Favorite Fic I Read:

@sleepswithvillains Eleanora/Quinn fic, Helplessly Hoping. I’m horribly behind on chapters and I gotta catch up and read the finale this week, but it’s been a helluva great ride and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the story! <3

Also The Invitation collab with @tishinada featuring Zas and Fiona had me squealing, I can’t wait to catch up on HH and see more of these two, they’re adorable ;-; @a-muirehen​ ‘s Relu/Merkara series of course! I’m a complete sucker for (friends to lovers to in Ariano’s case but yea pfpfpf) enemies to lovers ships and these two are just so good, I am on the edge of my seat every time we get a new snippet for them, ngl (grimace emoji) @darth-bagel ‘s Sylvas/Graz’zt and Sylvas/Liz/Rilfaen snippets which they’ve been spoiling me with on Discord @mercurypilgrim ‘s Ven’fir/Quinn AU oneshots, Cloudbank (Western was a particular favourite, but all are very good!) and of course @rainofaugustsith ‘s Lana/Viri updates are always fantastic, some personal favourites from this year were Almost There & Memory of Healing :3 (I totally still go back to read Commander & Advisor too sometimes, getting to see Viri be a little diabolical and messing with “MiNiSTeR LoRMaN!” was and still is my favourite thing XD)

If I’ve left you out I’m sorry!! These were the ones that stuck out in my memory, but I’ve loved everyone’s writing this year, it’s been great :3

Writing Goals:

to actually finish and post chapter 8 & 9 of Creeping Shadows. Then we’ll get to the meat and potatoes of the story and maybe Aria will stop being a brat and fighting me every time I try to stick to a semi-regular update schedule Get off my butt, finalise the name and get started on Ni’kasi’s part of the Subterfugeverse story. Maybe run the updates in-tandem with Creeping Shadows but idk if I want to wait till after CS is done before I start posting Kas’s side, or do them side-by-side yet, we’ll see ;) Keep writing! I know better than to pressure myself by setting a specific word count goal, that’s never worked well in the past

At least 2 chapters of each of the works mentioned above would be great though, more would be better! We’ll see how I go

Words of Thanks:

honestly, to everybody in the fandom I’ve met this year. Anybody that I follow, thank you for being there and engaging with me and/or posting amazing content for me to look at! I came over from deviantART where the SWTOR fandom is incredibly small and generally quite inactive and the contrast since moving over here has been incredibly uplifting. I very nearly cancelled Creeping Shadows and stopped posting fic for my SWTORverse altogether because I got next to no engagement on dA and it was very disheartening to the point where I felt I could enjoy the game and the rp partners I had, but the solo projects I’d put so much thought, time and love into already weren’t worth continuing. You guys took that spark and kept it going and I really don’t have enough words to say how grateful I am for that. Even if I haven’t published much this year, making posts on this tumblr, interacting with everyone and working on lore, plot points and so on for Subterfugeverse has kept me going through the Hellish Year of Nightmares that was 2020 <3

to the amazing new friends I’ve made in this past year, who have listened to me ramble about headcanons, character backstories, writing snippets (and rambled/sent some back), keep being awesome: @walk-ng-d-saster , @darth-bagel , @kyber-heart , @deepseacritter , @thedinalixlegacy to further friends and meme tag buddies, I get so excited every time I see a mention for a new meme or ask game in my inbox, so thank you!! : @mimabeann , @palepinkycat , @a-master-procrastinator , @raven-of-domain-kwaad , @actualanxiousswampwitch , @thatmmolesbian , @a-muirehen to my regular commentors/rebloggers/likers/askbox lurkers, I see every one of you and every time your users pop up I grin like a kid in a toy shop: @starlightjedi , @sparkles-and-rust , @wilvarin-chan , @sunsetofdoom , @ask-an-andalite , @thelastenvoyyy . @lyrishadow and more because Tumblr only goes so far back and I have the memory of Swiss Cheese. If you regularly comment, like, reblog, or anything, from me, know that I see you, and I love and appreciate you for it! <3

I couldn’t possibly remember to tag everyone and I promise if I missed you out it’s not because I hate you! Anxiety just sometimes be a bitch and I don’t wanna look like a clown calling someone a “friend” if I’m not explicitly sure we are, in fact, friends. I think you’re all awesome and I’m so glad to have moved over here and met you all <3

[maih-em]

10 question fic writing

Tagged by @ladyaj-13 thank u <3

1) What’s your favourite genre to write?

Honestly not sure? Judging by my previous stuff it’s just fluff with no particular plot, generally the pining>first kiss>beginning of relationship sort of time. I don’t tend to write case fics because that requires, you know, Thinking, but then saying that I’m actually trying to write one at the moment (it also has magic in it!) but the case aspect is the biggest obstacle as I only have a beginning and ending.

2) Do you pull inspiration from real-life or do you pull things from other books/fanfiction you’ve read?

I have absolutely no idea they just appear in my head and I write them.

Actually, saying that I do sometimes get inspiration from other fics I read but it’s often more the writing style or a general overall vibe. Occasionally I’ll read a bit of dialogue and suddenly have either a few ideas or an overwhelming need to write something Like That even though I have no plot to put around it.

3) Do you tend to write one-shots, short stories or longer things?

Generally one-shots or short stories (up to 20k ish) because that’s the form most of my ideas come in, but I do love the idea of longer things. I’m working on a longer fic (the magic one I mentioned above) but I have no idea how long it’ll be.

4) Do you prefer writing descriptions or dialogue?

It really depends on my mood. Often writing dialogue feels like getting blood from a stone unless the dialogue is what first sprung into my mind to inspire the fic. Description comes a lot more naturally to me but I struggle to fit it in amongst the rest of what I’m writing. What I find hardest and often leave til last is the transitions between scenes/locations.

5) Favourite fic/book of all the time?

My favourite book is probably I’ll give you the sun by Jandy Nelson. And also based on how many times I’ve read them and the fact that I almost never read things more than once, the history boys (which I’ve read 5 times) and parsnips, buttered by joe Lycett (which I read something like 9 times in one year, often back to back).

I have so many favourite fics I can’t even start. Basically, all my bookmarks on a03 are my fav things I’ve read that I would read again, so that should give an indication. I have to say soft like summer rain by @fitzrove though that makes me Feel Things. Also Easy As Anything by komodobits (idk the tumblr) which is 80% of the reason I started watching red dwarf and I genuinely read all 140k words in 1 night like an INSANE PERSON and have since read it twice more, both times in one go. It lives rent free in my brain.

6) Favourite trope?

ENEMIES TO LOVERS PINING SLOW BURN

Also, every single character being really dumb and bisexual pls.

7) Are you the kind of person to work on more than one wip?

I tried not to be when I started regularly writing fic but now it’s descended into chaos. Well, not chaos, like 8 or so, and maybe 5 of which I’m actively writing, but for me that’s a lot of things to be juggling in my head at once.

8) How long have you been writing for?

The first story I remember writing I think I was about 7 and it was about some barbie dolls on a day out. All through primary school I wrote little stories and when I was about 12 I got wattpad and started posting original stuff on there, then started a couple sort of gen fanfics, though I was never very involved in online fandom. I did nanowrimo in 2017, and attempted it again in 2018 except I abandoned the book and have never looked at it since. Don’t think I want to tbh.

That’s basically a very wordy way of saying I’ve been writing as long as I can remember, but I’ve only been actively properly writing fic for like 2 years or so now.

9) Do you tend to write more during the morning, afternoon or evening?

Generally, just whenever the inspiration strikes, which isn’t much at all lately I’ve barely written anything for about a month now. I do most of my writing in the evening (11-2 ish) but then again I do most of everything at 11-2 ish.

10) Do you ever prefer to post and update your wip chapter by chapter, or do you prefer to wait until your wip is 100% finished before sharing it?

I’m not really sure. I like the idea of the satisfaction of posting something all in one go, which I’m trying to do with my current multi-chapter wips, because if nothing else it’s just a test of my self control, but also……. Comments and validation pls, so I’m not really sure if I have a preference either way. My ideal setup would be to write it all, then post chapter by chapter on a regular schedule as I edit each chapter.

 My brain has just switched off so no tags but if u want to do this then I’ve tagged you!

[yehet-me-up]

Writing Tag 📝

Tagged by @yeoldontknow @kyungseokie @ninibears-erigom @xiubaek-13 thank you!! 😄💕🌟I loved reading everyone’s and getting a peek into your writing process/faves!

1. what is your ideal setting for focusing on your writing?

Definitely Panera Bread (a cozy restaurant chain that has the BEST cinnamon bagels and mac & cheese, for anyone not familiar). I’m praying that by next year COVID is to a point where I can write there again. Other than that usually at home at my desk is best for focus.

2. what is your favorite genre to write?

I’m down for anything as long as it has at least a little bit of romance 😂I think on here I’ve written rom coms, sci fi, fantasy, angst, horror, thriller, etc. and I definitely plan to continue being a wide and varied writer but with that constant romance bent, as I am a diehard romance hoe 💕I was thinking about this recently and I think the universal vibe for my work is /longing/ since that’s a reflection on who I am as a person lmaooooo

3. do you prefer to write on paper, or digitally?

Oh my god digitally. I used to have atrocious handwriting as a kid, but it’s gotten better. I have a persistent ache in my wrist/thumb on my dominant hand (i think because of carpal tunnel due to spending five years growing up working at a theater and constantly using my wrist to sweep up popcorn lmao) so I could never be a longhand/paper writer.

4. it’s the middle of the night and you suddenly wake up with an idea. what do you do?

I used to just type it into an email to myself or into the search bar on my phone or on random pieces of paper but now I just have a ‘misc’ google doc that I can pull up on my phone and jot things down. The virgo energy that thrives in my chart is SO happy to have this organized 😂

5. who is your favorite person to write about?

hmmmm I actually had to think about this. I think I’m in the minority here in the fandom since I have only written one (?) story about my ult bias Kim Junmyeon. I’m not sure why that is necessarily but I think it’s since I keep my thoughts about him so close to myself I usually spend my time and creative energy writing for other people??? My favorite person is probably Kyungsoo or Baekhyun. Baek because he’s so !!! I feel like his stories are very fun to write and Soo because he’s a bit quieter/more introverted so the fics I seem to write for him are very internal and full of longing which I vibe with on the daily, so it feels like writing myself almost lmaoooo

6. do you like making your own characters, or do you usually write about real people?

I’d say both? I really enjoy writing my own characters but I also enjoy writing fanfic, since there’s already a universal knowledge of the ‘characters.’ I always write AUs vs. RPF (real person fiction) about the IRL people I’m writing about, so it’s easier to just jump into the idea vs. spending a whole lot of time establishing the appearance/general personality of characters. While writing my book I’ve been dipping back into writing fics since it’s a nice break from having to create every aspect of the world/characters myself, so I’d say I like both equally!

7. have you ever written a book, or a story with more than 15 chapters (or 100k words)?

PLS PRAY FOR ME LMAOOOO god I’m like uhhh at about 85k on my book and just shy of 100k is the target word count for a book in the age group/genre i’m writing for so I’m aaaallllmmooossttt done. Other than that I think EXO mall is over 100k??? it’s not all one series but I sometimes consider it one. Other than that I think if I do end up writing Regency Husbands aka A Truth Universally Acknowledged here on tumblr itself I think that will probably be in the ballpark of 100k since I plotted it out as an entire book lololoollol.

8. how often do you get ideas?

fuckin hell, just - all the time. I have a few fics/books plotted out and I’m dying to get around to them and then I have a ‘misc’ google doc that holds lines, images, snippets of things that I’d love to throw together into a story at some point. I talk about this below, but now that I’m taking on trying to write books/be traditionally published (and since I’m a virgo... rising/mercury/mars/etc. I get VERY stressed by loose ends/unfinished things ughhhgghgh) I’ve had to be really clear/strict with myself when something comes up. 

Like is this new thing 1. a fic/book i want to write and 2. do I want to prioritize that over things I’ve planned already. So for now my plan on tumblr is to finish EXO mall and then re-evaluate the overflowing folder of ideas to see what’s next lmaooooo. One thing at a time seems to work best for me so that’s what I try to do, OR possibly see if it’s something I can work into an already in-process fic to try to kill two birds with one stone :)

9. do you ever get an idea that you really like, but just can’t seem to finish?

GOD YES. So many. The EXO x Italian Job series that almost was. The Jongin fae story that was supposed to be a drabble and almost became a friggin book. A lot of the things I did for drabble parties came from snippets of things I planned to write as full on fics and just didn’t feel like I could do it justice.

It’s so hard because I work full time and life is busy and I can only write SO much, so as I’ve gotten more uhh experienced? Idk if that’s the right word, but as I’ve come to know myself better as a writer I get more adept at figuring out which ideas will actually sustain me through an entire series or a 20k+ oneshot and which ones will just be drabbles/brief flashes of an idea but ones that I can’t fully ‘finish’ and explore, if that makes sense? 

I’ve come to just enjoy the idea and write a short little thing for it and be done and happy with it vs. spending ages feeling guilty/beating myself up that I just don’t feel like writing that idea. And who knows? Maybe it’s something I’ll come back to later and ‘finish’ but it’s just not the right time!

10. what is your least favorite plot?

Hmmmm I’d say anything with romantic on-the-page abuse (that’s supposed to be romantic??)/dubious consent/verbal humiliation/etc etc. I’ve found a ton of books feature this lately under the guise of an ‘alpha’ male character and I just 🙃it’s not my thing, personally. I am usually still down for like age difference fics (as long as both parties are legal adults ofc), sub/dom vibes in smut, some teasing/jokes etc. but anything with the specific intent to demean/degrade/etc. another person I’m like that gif of the mouse walking in a door and then walking right back out.

11. tag 5 or more people

Tagging @jeonocho @kpopchangedme @jinterlude @yixingminseokjongdae @kpopimagi @strawberrybobohu @simplesanitys @julietsoddeye 🥳

[haruhi1087]

Author Interview

I saw @prince-liest post this and thought it looked fun :D

Fandoms: Mostly BNHA and Haikyuu, though I do HP crossovers and have written for YYH and Natsume Yuujinchou as well.

Where I post: Ao3 mostly! Though I do still crosspost Blessings on ff.net (blackwolf1087) because I started the series there. Ao3 is so much easier to use, though, so most of my work is there.

Most popular one shot: Huh. Didn’t actually know this one, so I had to look it up, but apparently it’s “Touch of Enemies” my hotwings soulmate au one-shot. :D though the ShinDeku one “Touch of Hope” is a very close second by like only 6 kudos or something like that.

Most popular multichapter fic: Zero-Verse by far, lol. I’m glad so many people enjoy it! I put a lot of effort into making it an au that still has the same feel as the main series but also has a lot of differences in order to keep the story entertaining ;)

Favorite story written so far: Oooof. Um.... huh. Probably Zero-verse? I like long complicated things :D Though Trial will always hold a special place for me as my first long fic, really... hm. The Ukai/Takeda one is my fav from my Hq one-shots, and I have a lot of fun with my Tokoyami one-shots and Aizawa’s my favorite pov to write, but his fics usually aren’t my favs overall bc I’m always trying to tackle hard subject-matter with him, which makes them harder to write...... Idk, I have a lot of favorites; I’ve written too much, lol.

Fic I was nervous to post: Hmmm. Maybe Recovery bc it deals with depression and being ace? I’m always more nervous to post things that are more personal for me. The chapter of Zero that goes into Mic’s hearing issues was another one.

Do you outline?: ... eh. kind of? Depends on the fic. I have very detailed outlines for Blessings and did for Last Black, too, but for Zero it’s more a rough-sketch of things in my head and quick blurbs of scenes later on. It mostly follows the bnha plotline, so I never have really felt like it’s been necessary to sketch out my own separate outline, I just write quick blurbs of scenes where I think an important difference will happen. And I never outline for anything below 20k words. Shorter fics are always more free-form and spur of the moment for me.

Complete: 36! According to Ao3 I’ve written over 857k words on the site, which is intimidating to think about. It’s hard to believe it’s been that many!

In progress: Um... Depends on how you count? Really it’s just Blessings and Zero-Verse, but Zero has the villain side stories and the general side stories, and Blessings has some side stories, too.... So either 2 or 5.

Coming soon: I’m working on Zero right now and that will be the next chapter coming out! I’m really excited to finally start the provisional license exam arc!!! Do I accept prompts?: Not really, sorry. But also if you mention something to me and the idea sticks with me then I’ll probably end up writing something for it :D

Upcoming works I’m most excited for: Zero’s license exam arc + aftermath!!!!! There’s a scene coming up that I’ve had written for a really long time, so I’m excited that it’s almost here! Tagging: If you follow me and think this would be fun to do, please consider yourself tagged and then tag me so I can read it :D

[clockworkcheetah]

i was tagged by @bootstrapparadoxed to do this fic interview thing thanks for tagging me!

Name: Phoebe

Fandoms: Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency is my main jam. but i also wrote a couple of Lucifer fics and Pokemon SWSH stuff. also some og works that i sorta hate

Where you post: i use to post on ff.net like when i was 14, but i just use ao3 now

Most popular one-shot: ok this is kinda hard cause technically my lucifer fics are my most popular but for that fandom they really arent? its a big fandom so obvs they got more hits/kudos then my dghda stuff  i think ‘once brilliant blue, so innocent and new’ and ‘you’ve just been oversleeping’ are my most popular fics in terms of fandom + kudos

... i have noticed my smut fics get a fair bit of attention too lmao

Most popular multi-chapter:  i havent uploaded any (yet) but i have a multichapter dghda fic that almost every chapter is fully written (needs a ton of editing tho (and a title...)- theres only 3 chapters tho) and a swsh fic that needs some outlining before i write any

i think people will like the dghda fic cause itsssssss smutty

Favourite story I’ve written so far: yjbo is the one im most proud of obvs a lotta work went into that and its 20k (i normally write 1k-5k length fics)

but obbsian is my fave cause idk i just liked the vibe throughout i like the soft shit lmao

Fic you were nervous to post: uhm yjbo because well it is a long fic and also there werent really any ace!todd fics (still arent... i swear im gonna increase the numbers- im rly fond of that hc) so i wasnt sure how well people would take that? i do know ace fics can get hate (i havent so far) so i was a little wary also ‘making more music and fine romance’ because first e-rated fic and i felt very selfconscious at the time (i have written some more smut since and i am still shy about it even tho smut is fun to write asdfghjkl;)

How do you choose your titles: lol song titles mostly or just whatever assortment of words that i think could work

Do you outline: i did for the ofar series especially yjbo (partly why it ended up being so long i had so many notes, summaries and structures filled out for it) ive kinda slagged it off a bit and i rly need to get back to it because im not one of those people who can write amazing things from the top of my head yknow? i like to have structure

Complete: basically everything i started in 2020 is complete

In progress: that 3 chapter brotzly fic id say its 75% done the first chapter needs the most work tho cause thats where the plot is (ch2+3 are basically pwp)

Coming soon: a kbnz fic and i also have a bunch of fic ideas for dghda tho i cant promise they will be written

Prompts: as much as i would like too i know ill never write them if i got them

uhh i tag any mutual who writes? @raloire and @thyrem? anybody else?

[kurowrites]

I used to love to write but then for, reasons I was discouraged. Idk what it is about wangxian but for some reason I actually get ideas for fics about them. I get maybe 1k words in & lose inspiration though. I've seen on AO3 you've written with people before & was wondering what's your base for that? Are they people you know irl & feel comfortable with or did they send you a prompt or something and you helped them out? Feel free not to answer if uncomfortable. Just know I love your writing alot

Oh man, this is a difficult topic. Inspiration is such a tricky thing. For me, I definitely also use writing as a stress release, and since I’ve been having a lot of stress lately... yeah.

But to talk specifically about your questions: I guess I haven’t written so much WITH people than written FOR them. I don’t really have a base or a technique, sometimes I just ask for prompts and hope I’ll get anything back. And since around two thirds of the asks I receive are anonymous, I don’t even know who asked for them. I just take whatever inspires me and run with it, basically. Other fics are specifically for people that have let me scream at them and suffered through my inspiration-finding process and maybe gave me some valuable input.

I actually know only two or three mutuals on this hellsite in real life, one of which I met on here and then met in real life later. A lot of the relationships I do have on this site were built exclusively online. Gasp. Exactly what your parents told you not to do, hahaha.

Personally, it helps me when I have external motivation, i.e. feedback from readers or people that will listen to my ramblings. So just having someone to talk to might already help a lot. It does to me, at least, since I tend to get anxious and insecure easily and having some positive reinforcement helps. Also people asking specific questions makes me focus on different possibilites and get my creative juices running.

(Well, to be perfectly honest, it helps that I’ve had this blog for 8 years now and have slowly but steadily gained more followers. I’m probably not a big blog, by any means, but now I get regular interaction from people. When I started out, I had almost no followers and getting any kind of feedback was one giant battle, tbh. Screaming into the void, basically. I actually shamelessly hunted down some of my favourite fanfic writers and bugged them for so long that they had no choice but to become my friends. Sorry, guys!!!)

On the other hand, if you have trouble getting over 1k, it might also help to just focus on writing short stories at the moment. Try to finish something before your reach your limit. It gives you satisfaction because hey, you finished something that you can show others! And if you do that repeatedly, suddenly longer stories might be in the realm of possibility. Out of the 23 Wangxian fics I currently have on AO3, only around half of them are more than 2k words long. Longer stories need a lot of commitment, and sometimes I just want to fuck around a little, play with ideas and most importantly, finish something without the pressure of having to write 20k more of it.

In the end, it really boils down to try and find a way to make writing as fun to yourself as possible, because if you��re not getting anything out of it, it’s going to end up being frustrating and you end up giving up. I know that feeling very well, and I know how difficult it can be to get out of it once it hits you. :/