#idk about the big cities i am not from a big city
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Welp my family were rich and then we weren't.
That's why I know English. Being rich here doesn't mean anything unless you are "enchufado" meaning connected to the current people in power. Idk what to tell people who hyper focus on socioeconomic class. If you are here and you are not encuchafado this shit gets on all of us fam sooner or later it does. Illness the lack of supply/facilities to treat it , water shortage , electricity shrotage , fire and there not being a functioning fire station , the bank suddenly loses you money and so much more without even talking about the god forsaken justice system boi if someone with connection want to fuck with you they can and no money nor lawyers gonna help you dude so yes what are people on about being rich here. True privilege and I even hate saying that it is a privilege is managing to leave and not have to worry about coming back i.e. leaving family member here.
Every time tankies accuse a Venezuelan of being rich just because they speak English I laugh very hard because it shows how egocentric they are. They can't conceive someone learning a language by themselves because most entertainment and academical papers are in English and they don't have the necessity or motivation to learn another language.
I basically learned it by myself because I wanted to play mystic messenger and since my family didn't have the money to put me in an English academy and I'm incredibly stubborn, I downloaded many grammars and spent the holidays reading them and watching English teacher's videos on YouTube. Then, I was in contact with language through fanfiction and later when I started my degree I also had to read papers in English for my essays and stuff. I'm also a bit of a language nerd so I'm doing something similar with French.
Is it easy? Of couse it isn't.
Would I have done it if I didn't have the necessity? I don't think so, I only learned about my passion for languages once I started learning English because of necessity.
It takes time, motivation and a lot of effort, but it's not impossible. And it is racist, diminishing and dehumanizing to assume people can only learn languages if they have the money to pay for it. It makes it easier, but it's not a requirement.
People have learned languages because of necessity for ages.
#venezuela#being rich and privilege does not mean what you think it means fam#not here#not anymore#also we are still doing poor and rich nonsesne come on stop that#chavez feed that bullshit so hard my rich granparents though they werent rich but poor and deserving of chavez love#crazy cult shit#i didnt even touch on the insecurity and the lawlessness that has being a thing for as long as i have memory#the police were in cahoot with the people who got inside out house and kept us sequestered. twice. so yeah.#everyone in town new this you go to the police and charge someone boi you were in for a bad bad time that would end in nothing#idk about the big cities i am not from a big city#but it is what it is and what it is is garbage
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hong kong miku,,,
#hopping on the trend jumpscare i’m from hong kong surprise#i haven’t seen that many hk mikus around#lowkey chat i think i kinda ate with this one#however i will say i am coloring in the dark so if any colors look off that’s why#and also i haven’t opened this program in literal months i jumped straight into this no warmup no nothing#miku is what pulls me out of art block apparently i was locked in for 5 hours STRAIGHT#someone needs to teach me how to paint properly holy#not sure how i feel about the bottom left one but that was a quick one anyways#i am from hk originally but i haven’t been back in years so i have no idea about the culture other than food and mirror#OKAY let me explain the context#street food is a big thing in hk and quick and easy things like fish balls egg waffles and like siu mai and wonton noodles are popular#back then people really would just squat down on the side of the road or right in front of the shop to eat it and go#but i don’t think anyone does that anymore city life and all that#ohh i should have done instant noodles breakfasts god i loved those#if anyones from hk if you go to the causeway bay mtr station exit that leads up to the big road near sogo. do they still sell siu mai there#that shit was BANGER i remember asking for them all the time#a good majority of parents in hk would get their daughters ears pierced as a baby something about them not feeling as much pain idk#that’s just what i was told#i used the neon for her friendly standard greeting cause i wanted to incorporate the neon signs somehow without actually drawing a whole bg#lots of neon signs in hk. i heard they had to take them down cause of light pollution which is sad but understandable#everyone got their shoes from dr kong. at least when i was younger they did#boy band is self explanatory. i heard they’re really popular my mom listens to them#oh i had her messing with her shoes cause hk people move FAST. you stop for one second and you get shoved#so like a fun little allusion#gave her black roots just for fun. she is violating every school uniform code possible#this is all based off of my memory by the way so like. anyone who knows this better than i do hit me up#hatsune miku#miku from my culture#jellos scribbles#i haven’t tag yapped in so long welcome back my love i missed you
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i haven't even seen the episode yet, but learning about the fact that they didn't include such an essential aspect of the story is making me feel so irrationally sad
#letters from stephanie*#idk maybe it isn't essential maybe it's just too important to me... but without it you take away so much from lila...#she's not a crazy person that is too enigmatic for the audience to understand... lila is the character you feel in your soul#not explain in a few sentences. there is no Grand Secret of Lila to be revealed. you feel her or you don't and that's it.#yeah this is my hot take on lila. if the main takeaway is that she's a mysterious madwoman you're treating her the same#way all those men did. why can't we just feel things why does it have to be written in big shining letters#to be considered real and human. idk idk idk#she is surrealism the spirit of surrealism packed in a person and i think that is the truth of life. to misunderstand this is to completely#miss the point of lila as a character#which is that we as humans invent shapes to store the incomprehensible in and in that we take away from the reality of life#the raw beating heart of life. lila cerullo who has spent her life in one place who didn't get to go to school#understood and saw this beating heart of the universe and while studying history of her city she gets to...#extend the logic of it to the whole universe. she recognises these historical facts within her own being#she finds her daughter in these stories and she runs to her. i am so upset about this#i have to watch the episode though i can't betray my fundamental belief that you have to face life no matter what#ferranteposting#l'amica geniale#s4 spoilers#my brilliant friend spoilers#lila cerullo 🫀
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pov you’ve just reread the yi city arc… except that clearly wasn’t ENOUGH because of course your analysis brain had to take over and search for parallels, so you have to go and reread and save the most depressing WWX scenes right after…
i’m fine :))
#catalyst was “at that momrnt wwx saw himself in xxc”#brain: but was there a specific moment on wwx’s end too (or was it more general)? which instant?#(the description made it seem more like a specific moment but it doesn’t ABSOLUTELY rule out the other option)#my money’s on nightless city just post jyl death but it’s not 1:1#of course seeing as it’s describing a feeling. it does NOT have to be 1:1#but you have the parallels between xxc finding out he killed the person he was closest to (sl)#and then wwx seeing i’d say the person he was closest to (jyl) die for his sake#while accusations from others are being thrown#and they’re currently not denying#i was wondering if it could be referring to some time during the siege as well but i’m not sure wwx would be-#unable to “do anything except silently acknowledge the critiques and accusations” then? since he does have sth he’s fighting for there#unlike nightless city#(though that specific wording is partly why i doubted nightless city as well…? since it doesn’t seem like he’s silently acknowledging them)#(instead “he could no longer hear any of them”)#not sure that’s a big enough point of contention though bc context around NC definitely fits the best#of course it could be right afterwards (when he came back to proper consciousness anyway) too and it’s thinking ABT the accusations???#but idk#i do think referring to that moment is most likely#…anyway pictured above is the brain that MADE ME REREAD NIGHTLESS CITY (and “what am i supposed to do now” + wn wq giving themselves in as-#(-other points of comparison)#so thank you very much for that brain….#i’ll probably write sth short about it when my thoughts are less scrambled#or i may keep it to chapter by chapter analysis when i do that#but right now it’s too late#skye rereads mdzs
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i have to wonder if no one feels the need to explain any of this shit to voters* because people tend to just follow whatever is endorsed by a person or group they trust. i've now had two separate people tell me they're just going to vote in the local elections how someone they know is voting because they don't understand/have time to figure out all the measures and candidates. which on the one hand i get, because there are so many of them. and i too look up recommendations from bodies that seem to align with my values and priorities and take them into account. but like, i do ultimately want to make my own decision and it's frustrating when i don't know how to get the information necessary to properly educate myself. i don't have time to get a degree in civics over here (which ultimately probably wouldn't even help lol).
*i'm being kind of unfair. they do explain quite a bit to voters. this year they sent two entire voters' pamphlets, one for the state and one for the local elections. it's just that the stuff they tell me in there is not all the stuff i want to know lol.
#one of my friends was like 'yeah i just pick one of my friends and then ask how they voted and that's how i vote'#like wow. that is a level of trust unfathomable to me. i don't assume any of my friends perfectly share my priorities lol#i don't believe any individual friend of mine is more qualified than i am to figure out every single thing on the ballot#someone could be more qualified than me in one particular area and if so i might ask for their thoughts. but to just do whatever#they're doing without question? that's not for me i guess#right now i'm looking at this city measure that seems like a good idea#to enshrine the independent elections commission in the charter so it's not subject to the whims of elected officials#who have a conflict of interest because they are directly affected by whatever the commission decides#but. the city council still picks who's on the commission. so how different is it really?#and how often do they pick? how long do people serve on the commission? that's not explained#i'm leery of putting stuff in the charter...like the COI problem is a big deal but i don't really see that this solves that problem?#a bunch of the other city measures this year are about removing language from the charter#it's a big deal to amend the charter! as it should be. you have to take it to a vote every time#idk i think i might skip this one and come back to it
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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re: drive, do what you did with your sister when y'all went to Texas but alone?
when i drove from San Francisco to essentially Vancouver on my way to Alaska, it was literally like every other road trip except i had to call all the shots. which was stressful af since this wasnt a For Fun trip so i asked for a buddy on my way back down
oh!! you can bring like a plushie and take photos of it in places :3 that is your travel buddy
ah!! yeah, see, the biggest problem is that my sister did most of the planning for that trip skdhfskdg
it is,,, mmmmm,,, well part of it is that i'm going to be flying instead of driving! since it's a 30hr drive :') which is Fine and Okay except i have to go through 2 of the busiest US airports by myself with next-to-no experience :'))) i may or may not be very nervous about that lmao
but other than that it's also gonna be a longer trip! im going for about a week (probably, i know i'll be leaving saturday but idk what day i want to return home yet) whereas my trip to texas with my sister was 3 days, as was my trip with my other sister when we went to california! (<- that was also my only airport/plane experience thus far) so im gonna have more time there to actually Do Things as opposed to just... Day 1. Arriving, Day 2. Doing the Single Thing, and then Day 3. Leaving
that said though, a travel buddy actually sounds like a very good thing for me to bring!! ive done similar things on big family road trips where we would stop to remember to take photos, though those were more of Us than anything else, but i think it would be a nice way to remember to actually TAKE photos!! as well as helping me actually stay calm enough to figure things out :)
#id also add that my other sister also did most of the planning for california ;;;#like they both consulted me on it ofc and i am pretty sure i was there when my sister bought the plane tickets but like#they also had both had trips like those prior (california sis went to illinois with her partner/texas sis drove cross-country on her own)#so they both had some experience already with it and i just ;;;#idk#a lot of it is stupid technical stuff that i SHOULD be able to figure out but am stressing over anyway#like actually getting a hotel room and figuring out transport while im up there and everything#though it'll be a big city so im sure that i could use public transport but that goes again into figuring out HOW TO since#i come from a town/city with little to no public transport whatsoever and very limited experience using it elsewhere#and just#OUGH#then its like WHEN do i buy the tickets and the hotel and everything like should i work on that NOW or?????#fuck <3#as you can see. kinda stressed about it.#im figuring it out though i'll probably call my dad at some point next month and ask him#he always planned all of our family road trips so he knows what hes talking about ;;;;;#askers#cozy-fish-crow#shh ac
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the goddamn toast water post just made me utter "history is fucking real" in the most solemn and serious tone of voice, out loud, to myself, in the goddamn bathtub
#life is ridiculous and I'm its biggest clown#in my defense it's not even 9 am and I woke up at 6 for some reason (the reason prob being that I start work at 6 atm)#so I chose (violence) reading Stray Gods fic in bed for a few hours followed by the need to just vibe in the bathtub#I've only just had my coffee and a slice of cold pizza leftover from yesterday and it's such a uni-days thing to do#I've kinda missed it. tho I wasn't drinking coffee back then (how the fuck did I survive mornings without it??)#anyway. feeling very soft and tender abt my past self today. I miss her even if she was just as much of a mess. in different ways#the kind of mess who would openly flirt with some strange dude she didn't really know over the phone#the kind of mess who moved across the country just for a chance at trying with sb she liked who really never wanted to date her#the kind of mess who's always fallen for her best friends and who'll likely never stop#the kind of mess who feel so damn hard for a woman 15 yrs older than her just bc she was kind and sweet and a mess herself#the kind of mess who moved in with a friend she was solidly in love with for a bit who had her boyfriend over most nights#just.. it's not all about those feelings but they're decidedly a big part of why I've ever done anything#and I will prob always miss the friend who'd lie on the train platform with me just giggling into the night as ppl walked past#her head on my stomach and me just feeling so high it felt like I'd never stop floating (just for a while though)#I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that Mi miss just letting my feelings take me places even at the risk of losing it all#I'm so much more hesitant and guarded now. and sure part of it is being medicated for my bipolar. it's good that I don't call strangers#and almost invited them over. or that I no longer walk barefoot through the city at night by myself (usually)#but I do miss just idk. intimacy I guess. and how easily it used to come to me to just try and be open abt wanting it I guess#oh well. best be getting out of the bathtub. it's not a good place to be with these thoughts. and it's too early for this anyway#a day in the life of..
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ok so. today i am going to
fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3
ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3
check into a hotel by myself for the first time
walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today
give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes
#purrs#conference tag#chicago#im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o#if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been#other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel#less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt#like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself#if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely#anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared.#like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell#myself that i make it so.#trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED!#i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something.#obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen#to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie#i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have#been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha#i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before#like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i#genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here
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no like when I say any answer on the queerest city poll that’s not San Fran is wrong I mean it is factually and historically WRONG
#just. look at the history of lgbt rights and major events in queer history in the us#and I’m telling you it is. in fact. dominated by San Francisco#the other cities that contend for the most part are major us cities that contend simply because they are big and/or heavily populated#like yeah obviously dense cities are going to have a higher number of people in various demographics. im thinking mostly about nyc and#Chicago here for the most part#San Fran is not big. it’s dense but not nearly an nyc level population especially historically.#it’s very unique for having been a safehaven for queers for a long time in comparison to the rest of the country#now I am not. by any means. defending it on every front. or considering it superior in any other way basically. I am SOLELY talking about#it’s unrivaled huge and powerful and long-standing queer community#it is- in the present day- literally almost impossible to live in San Francisco. period. it is absurdly expensive.#it’s homelessness situation especially due to the insane cost of living and there takeover of tech companies and so on#is horrific and for no damn reason (the city has enough money to house people Easily through at LEAST the heavy tourism)#the queer COMMUNITY there is what’s important and it’s history of demanding rights and generally flourishing through their own efforts#anyway idk why I felt the need to ramble about this#actually yes I do it’s becuase I think a lot of younger queer people (or queer people who grew up in isolated or conservative areas don’t#know the history associated with San Francisco and why people regard it as being so fundamentally queer#like the fact that portland is in second on that poll- and this is coming from someone who likes portland overall- is so weird to me#it’s a very progressive place but boy it ain’t got the influence and history that San Fran- or even New York or chicago- have#again it’s hard to compare those big big cities to anything but nonetheless#tangential but. sacramento is also a queer-dense city and though we are small and not nearly as flashy as the other contenders it’s worth#noting I think for being more of a safehaven than people tend to think about#anyway. that’s nothing I just had to represent for a second#kibumblabs
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hm. my dad is now aware that i have slept over at eriks when i visit him.
#dont love that.#he brought it up bc i have an aunt and uncle in his city and i think he was going to offer to like see if i could stay with them at some#point to visit him#he was like have you thought of visiting erik in (city)? and i was like. yeah#and he was like. have you? and i was like. yeah. and he was like how many times? and i said twice and he was like oh. where did you stay?#and i said. eriks place. and he was like. oh. well you know you have an aunt and uncle there that would let you stay right? and i was like.#yeah i know. and it was in front of my mom and sister and brother in law and HIS sister and everyone was so quiet because they know how my#dad is#and i was like in the process of leaving so i just like said bye to everybody real quick and left so im still like. agh. scawed!#idk why even its not like theres anything he can do to me its just like. god i really want to have peace with him i do not want to ever hav#another lecture from him or get yelled at by him again idk im still scared of that. and he hasnt even met erik yet and probably has a#terrible impression of him now just based off of that even though i am always telling them great stuff about him i dont want HIM to deal#with that especially because i do not think that he would take as much bullshit which he shouldnt have to but god i just have this vision o#my dad like. pulling erik aside for a talk or something if they ever meet and trying to scare him and them getting into an argument bc erik#would stand up for himself#idk who knows if that will happen im literally making up scenarios in my head to scare myself but christ. \#the thing is also at this point in my life i just like. i have to keep moving forward in like. the whole living my life without constantly#thinking about the church's and my dad and the rest of my family's expectations. I have to. I almost lied to him but i didnt and thats#really big progress but im still so scared. but whatever. do it scared. agh!
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being a young autistic adult is just watching everyone your age move on and achieve things and reach milestones you may never reach
#especially when you slipped through the cracks of the system#i had bad attendance at mainstream school then literally spent three years at home with no education at all#i did my gcses three years late and now i’m 21 and trying to restart my a levels#meanwhile everyone i grew up with seems further ahead and much more independent#like idk if ill ever live on my own let alone live on my own in a different city like some people i know#the fatigue means i can barely achieve much each day and then i feel guilty about it#i have a 16 year old sister and i feel younger than her#ughhhh i just can’t accept that this is what my life is#obviously i know i can’t see what my peers lives are like behind the scenes and they might be struggling as much as i am in their own ways#but i still feel like being autistic is holding me back#and the worst thing is i have an 11 year old undiagnosed sister who looks to be going down an even worse path#because she won’t have the level of support i had from our nan#and our mum is literally useless and only wants ella diagnosed so she can get the disability money#UGHHHHH big rant i’m just feeling sorry for myself again but yeah#it’s hard seeing everyone move past your stage in life while you just feel stuck
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i think my house is gonna get flooded again 💀 it's been raining for days now and the water won't stop rising and apparently it's gonna keep raining until SUNDAY like............. @ god why do you literally hate me
#🌙.txt#rant cw#i was talking to a dude that lives in the city and he said there are areas where the water is already up to people's chest#so honestly it's probably a matter of time before another flood happens in our area#that'd be the third one in a span of seven months and we're really short on money rn so idk how we're gonna deal with that lol#i'm probably gonna have to go back to my hometown and stay at my mom's place for a few weeks#but like........................... how am i gonna get money to cover my expenses while i'm there 😭#also i have another big exam by the end of the month and i need to study for it i don't wanna have to deal with a mf FLOOD rn#i'm genuinely about to cry out of stress i hate this place so much#it's so fucking ironic tho bc people from other parts of the country are complaining about how hot and dry it's been these days#(and we're in the middle of fall)#meanwhile in the south it's cold and we're about to literally drown#my friends from the southeast are like ''omg i miss the rain'' and i'm like girl you can take it away from me i'd thank you
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I came out to my dad as bisexual at 14 and I was PANICKED because I had a crush on a guy in my Boy Scout troop and thought I was Going To Hell Forever and he was so kind and understanding of my distress, but he had NO idea what bisexuality was. He just said “yeah but you like girls too? This is normal. Everyone is like this.” And I love my dad and trust him with my life to this day and the idea that the concept of bisexuality had not occurred to him had not occurred to me so I put it off.
By 16 though I had a crush on like THREE boys. Three entire boys in my Boy Scout troop. I felt like my sin was slowly advancing, until like an untreated cancer it had become metastatic. I remember bawling my L’il limp-wristed sissy eyes out in his big rumbly truck on the way home from a scout meeting and him telling me that it was OK, that he still loved me if I was gay, but that he knew I wasn’t gay because I still had crushes on women and that meant I was straight. I didn’t quite know how to explain that those felt *~*different*~* and that I felt like I was losing a fight to evil inside me but I again felt comforted by his reassurances and his genuine fatherly love.
At 18 I was like “hey I’m realizing all my friends are going on missions. I don’t wanna do that. Idk how to say that and I don’t have a ‘good enough’ reason to not wanna go.” So I just put it off. Again, my parents were extremely supportive of the information I gave them (I blamed it on perpetually forgetting to start the paperwork.) and one day my mom texted me that she had done the paperwork for me! And that all I needed was to get a physical! So I did that (it was awkward af tbh, my hernia check was done by a trainee doctor and she spent like 3 minutes fishing around my inguinal canals before her attending rescued me) and was sent to Mexico City where I learned that in addition to dipshit himbos with strong hands and scruffy guys with artistic hearts I was REALLY into chubby Latin men with strong personalities who bullied me a little when I lived in Mexico.
I remember my first companion got annoyed with me during an argument and said we were just gonna wrestle and whoever won the wrestling match won the argument (I stg I am dead serious this happened.) I was like…SWEATING when he tore off his tie and threw his white button-down shirt onto the ground (I won btw, don’t ask me how).
I remember one of my companions with this really intense, almost manic energy telling me that he was gonna make sure I was safe in a new area I didn’t know very well. He cooked breakfast for me and we’d go shopping together on P-Days and in the mornings before breakfast he’d jog around and do pull-ups with his shirt off and I’d do anything but look at him because my face would break out in a sweat so intense he’d think I was crying and come over to see if I was OK and somehow make it worse. He let me play D&D with myself in the evenings even though it was against mission rules because he knew how lonely and stressed I was.
I remember one of my companions was a big chubby man with a loud voice and a great sense of humor. He was kind and direct when addressing conflicts with me, and always bragged about how he knew the secrets of women’s minds and it felt like he really did since it almost always boiled down to “Treat Them Like People and Love Them a Lot. Don’t Stop Being A Person For Them. Also Eat Them Out Sloppy Style.” Our P-Day activities sometimes felt like dates, and it seemed like he was more attentive to my emotional state than I was since he was always the first to suggest we slow down our Divinely Mandated, God-Ordained, Super Sacred Work and Wonder to get a snack or check out a Pawn Shop (I love Pawn Shops).
I remember another companion who asked me to bully him every time he did something against his goal of losing weight. It was like he gave me Carte Blanche to take out my crush on him by being a nuisance and I LOVED that. I remember having a breakdown one day after we’d spent the afternoon frantically cleaning our disgusting-barely-habitable mission house to make it look less vile that it was (not our fault imo?) and I started bawling and he pulled me into a hug and he smelled good and he told me he knew it wasn’t just the house and that I was mad at him for being a Huge Dickhead for about a week (true) and that he would work on it. (He’s also a huge chaser but that’s a separate thing.)
I remember one of my companions waking up early (and our schedule is already built for sleep deprivation) to make me a “birthday cake” from knock-off Nutella and bread. He used matches for candles and woke me up, lit the ‘candles,’ pulled them out, then smashed it in my face and took a bunch of pictures while I was still madrugada and disoriented as fuck. He had the same sense of humor as one of my HS crushes and I could push his buttons pretty easily which was so fun.
I came home from my mission and started back at BYU where I became actively and aggressively suicidal. I had a stalker the year I moved up there and my dad’s solution to that was to get me a gun. I know he wouldn’t have bought me a gun if he could have read my mind, but I had a loaded pistol under my bed during a trifecta faith/sexuality/gender crisis and that was not helpful. I remember that the day I decided to kill myself I figured I’d call the BYU CAPS and see if I could get into therapy because it felt like what I was “supposed to do” so I could check my suicide boxes. My therapist was the guy who’d helped me pick a major the year before and was this drop-dead gorgeous Hawaiian man who cried when I told him how I’d been feeling.
A few weeks into therapy I met another stunning man with soft eyes and a scruffy illegal-at-BYU beard he kept pushing his luck with. He was funny, kind, patient, married, and wouldn’t give me the time of day if he knew I was crushing on him. We were in my history of psych class, which was inarguably the worst psych class I have ever had, and we studied together for every assignment and test and I realized that my feelings for him and for all the men I’d already mentioned were in direct conflict with my faith and relationship with God. My already agonizing spiritual conflict became even more wretched and as a result of this plus some other tightly-packed experiences with Mormonisms bullshit, I left the church.
After leaving the church I decided to move back to AZ and transfer to ASU. My mom helped me get a dog since I think it had started to dawn on my family that my mental health was barely getting me through the day, and she knew that we both loved dogs. Madi made my last year at BYU livable while I got my shit together and transferred. In that last year, I went on a date with quite possibly the only semi-openly-out trans person on BYU campus. It was not a great date imo, I was not doing well, but the person I spoke with was fun and fascinating and talked to me about Gender Dysphoria and it really cemented my need to go. To leave and never come back to that fucking school.
I started at ASU a month after my last semester at BYU and within a very short time frame it felt like I was coming back together, like a puzzle magically putting itself together in an environment that wasn’t slowly draining that puzzle’s will to live.
On the 4th of July, the year I started at ASU, I saw a transition timeline photo of a gorgeous happy beautiful happy radiant happy woman and her former Mormon missionary self and I realized the light that was on in her eyes was the light that was off in mine. I looked into transitioning for 3 days, sleeping about 10 hours total during that time. I started talking to other trans people on Reddit (one of whom is now my beautiful fiancée @cintailed) and after about a month of making preparations to be disowned and kicked out, something I was not sure would happen but was ready to go through to Turn On The Lights, I came out to my family and it was amazing. I started HRT a month after that. I secretly dated some dorky guys for about a year while I applied to grad schools. I got into a great grad school for me and my needs. I got FFS. I did my trainings and classes. Me and my fiancée moved in together after some LDR shenanigans. We’ve lived together now for 4 years of basically marital bliss. We have a cat named Grandmother Esmeralda Weatherwax who bites the hell out of my feet about three times a day. My bi-cycle continues to be part of my life but now it’s not as scary. Baby gays in my life have started to look to me for advice. Idk how this all happened so fast. When the years, months, weeks, days, and hours seems to crawl by so slowly now they are rushing past me so fast it’s almost bewildering. Whereas before I felt like I was living on borrowed time, past my ‘expiration date,’ now it feels like I can Fucking Breathe. I’m training myself to slow down now and it feels worth it to Live In The Moment.
Idk why I wrote this. Idk why these thoughts only seem to come up on Sundays when I’m supposed to be writing my dissertation. Idk why I’m crying rn or why I feel so happy. I’m gonna post this shit then get on with my dissertation I guess. Read more Terry Pratchett and give yourselves the time you need. Get a pet. Talk to someone. Re-examine the events that brought you here. Be gayer. Love y’all 💕
#tgirl swag#worm#mormon#lds church#church of jesus christ of latter day saints#boy scouts#Mormon mission#Mormon missionary#elder#the book of mormon#bisexual#transgender#trans stuff#trans pride#lgbt pride#bi pride#mental health#BYU#pets#my cat#cat#dumb cat#granny weatherwax#terry pratchett
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i love you, i'm sorry [QH43]
quinn hughes x fem!reader
word count: 2.9k
summary: two years after breaking things off with Quinn, you find yourself going to Game 1 of Round 2 of the Playoffs, completely unprepared to see the man you still harbour feelings for.
based off of: this is loosely based off of I Love You, I'm Sorry by Gracie Abrams
warnings: aggressive amounts of pining (like, probably annoying), two swear words, a few kisses, mentions of a breakup (so like, kinda angst? idk man), copious amounts of cheesiness, probably extremely inaccurate descriptions of the game, not great writing lol. let me know if i missed anything!
author's note: okay, i haven't written anything on here yet due to a horrendous case of writer's block and many hours of working. so, this is definitely not my best work, but it was a fun way to try move past my writing slump. i really do hope that anyone who reads this does enjoy! love, addi <3
Vancouver’s streets preserve memories well. You found that out when, even two years after things had fallen to pieces, you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing the two of you holding hands, sharing quiet laughs, and stealing kisses. You’d thought that after two years you would’ve been able to shake those memories off when they plagued your mind; but it was hard when he was plastered across banners and fans sported his jersey for half the year.
He was making his name known throughout the NHL, and you couldn’t ignore the buzz around Quinn Hughes when the Canucks made it to the Stanley Cup Playoffs.
After you and Quinn had broken things off, you had to find separate friend groups to belong in. The two of you had shared too many mutual friends. The group of ladies you did manage to find yourself among knew nothing about your past relationship with the captain of the Canucks. When the city was gearing up for the first round of the playoffs, even your friends couldn’t stop talking about the sport.
You were standing outside, leaning against the railing on a BC ferry, returning from visiting family on the Island, when you received a call from your friend Lydia. You picked up without hesitation.
“Hey, what’s up?” you asked.
She immediately giggled, which honestly had you a little scared. “I have a surprise,” she said excitedly, the last word dragged out.
You snorted. “Am I allowed to ask what it is?”
“It’s a really big surprise, and you have to promise not to scream when I tell you,” she laughed, acting like a teenage girl again. It was one of the things you really did love about her – her ability to bring childlike joy with her wherever she went.
“I promise not to scream, Lyd,” you assured her, hoping she was satisfied.
She paused for dramatic effect, and you let her. You knew she was having fun with it.
“We’re going to the first game of round 2 of the playoffs!” she squealed.
Your phone nearly slipped through your fingers, almost lost to the sea. You stepped away from the railing, suddenly very glad there was no one on the deck with you. Your heart clenched in your chest. The last time you had been to a game was when you and Quinn had still been together. He wouldn’t even know you were in the crowd, but you would be painfully aware of him in the centre of the arena.
“Okay, you’re even quieter than I thought you’d be,” Lydia commented, reminding you that there was someone on the other end of the line.
You debated for a moment what to say. Would it best to just blurt out that you had dated Quinn Hughes and you were not exactly ready to go watch him play again? Definitely not.
“Uh, yeah, I’m just surprised!” That wasn’t a lie. “How’d you get the tickets?”
“My dad,” she said simply. “When I told him I wanted to go see the Canucks, he was suddenly the proudest parent in the world. You know how he is – once he gets an idea in his head, whether it’s planted there by me or not, he has to do it.”
“Wow, that’s–that’s crazy!” you said stiffly, still unsure of how to act.
“Yeah, and it gets better! We’re sitting right behind the Canucks’ bench!”
You nearly choked on nothing. “What?”
“I know, right? I don’t know how my dad managed it, but he did,” she told you, completely unaware of your stuttering heart. “Who knows, maybe we’ll catch some players��� eyes,” she joked, and you tried to force a laugh out with her.
“Yeah, maybe.” What you didn’t add out loud was your brain screaming please no.
After a few more minutes of chatting and you pretending to be completely sound of mind, Lydia said goodbye, telling you she would send the details soon.
You pocketed your phone and leaned against the railing once more. You watched as the sun brushed the horizon, casting a beautiful pink against the clouds. Vancouver was getting close, and for obvious reasons, you were suddenly dreading it. You wanted to sit on the ferry until it returned to Vancouver Island.
You sighed and rested your chin on your folded arms. You heard a faint buzzing sound above you, and lifted your eyes to the sky. A plane was coming to land at the Vancouver Airport. As it approached, you let yourself imagine it was Quinn flying back from Nashville, and you felt your heart tighten in your chest once more, because you were terrified to see him again, but also because you still missed him. Maybe you were scared to see him because you missed him.
You dropped your forehead to your arms once more and groaned loudly, the ocean and the brightening city lights your only listening companions.
When the morning of May 8th arrived, you found yourself unable to shake the anxiety that had made a home in your chest over the last few days. There was a tenseness in your shoulders that never left, and a squeezing at your heart that seemed relentless.
The group chat you shared with your friends had been buzzing incessantly, the girls incredibly excited. Every now and then you made your fingers put a message out there that hopefully hid your anxieties from them.
After much procrastination, you eventually made your way to your closet. After tugging on a simple pair of blue jeans, you reached towards the back of your closet. Your fingers closed around the unmistakable, thick material of the jersey. Taking a deep breath, you pulled it out. Your only Canucks jersey of course, had to be Quinn’s home jersey from two seasons ago. No one would know it was the jersey that he had pulled over his head before every home game. However, you knew. There was no C on the left side of the chest, and your mind was pulled back to the relationship you had shared.
You often questioned why you and Quinn had even ended things. You missed him so much still, and you were plagued by the way you knew it had been the wrong choice. You had been growing apart as he was dealing with growing attention and expectations within his career, and a promotion at your own job had stolen your energy and attention. You had both been tired and short with one another, and eventually the tension built and had blown up in a terrible way.
You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to force both the guilt and continued yearning out of your busy mind.
When Lydia texted that she and the girls were on the way to your apartment, you reluctantly pulled the jersey over your head. The sleeves covered most of your hands, and the fabric fell past your hips and part way down your thighs. You pulled on a pair of shoes and left the safe space that was your apartment, locking the door behind you.
Rogers Arena was packed and the energy in the building made you feel like you could start vibrating. You and your friends held hands so as not to get separated. You were glad when your friends made no comment on how tightly you squeezed their hands, or how sweaty your palms might have been.
You were made significantly more nervous when you realised that Lydia had not been exaggerating about your seats. You were sitting right behind the bench.
The arena was filling up steadily, and you sat there in between your friends, not speaking a single word. It had been a couple years since you had been here, and while you were very nervous, the familiarity came rushing back to you and it helped to slow your fast beating heart.
If you closed your eyes, you could imagine Quinn smiling at you from the other side of the glass, and laughing when you blew him a kiss.
You wrapped your arms gently around yourself, the once very stiff material of the jersey now very easily shifted and manipulated. You knew it didn’t smell like him anymore, but when you let yourself get lost in the feeling of his old jersey, it was like he was right there. You were wrapped in him still, and you doubted it would ever go away.
You were shocked out of your own thoughts when your friends, along with the rest of the fans around you, started cheering. The Canucks and the Oilers were on the ice, starting to warm up. Your eyes searched the ice quickly, and gliding easily across the ice on the opposite side of rink, was the captain, the number 43 embroidered on his jersey, just like the one you adorned.
Your own cheeks heated up when it really hit you that you were wearing his old jersey. You weren’t together anymore; what were you thinking? He could see you– what would he think when he saw you right behind his bench, wearing the jersey he had gifted you?
You suddenly wanted to throw up more than ever. He exchanged a few words with Elias, and laughed at something his buddy had said. Your heart ached in longing once more. You had missed his laugh so much.
Quinn now had facial hair, something he hadn’t had when he was with you. His hair was longer, peeking out from beneath his helmet. He already seemed much more grown up. He looked like a captain, something who had become used to leading his team. Quinn had always been somewhat confident in his abilities as a hockey player, but it was easy to tell that he had really gotten used to his role on the team and had come into his own over the past two years.
The girls grabbed your hands and walked into the aisle, just to get right up to the glass. Your face burned and you tried to hide behind some of your friends. You kept your heads down and your arms folded.
Your friends held up hats and other paraphernalia that they desperately wanted signed by players.
“Y/N!” One of your friends practically shouted. You suddenly noticed that they had all stopped cheering. You looked up to see them parted in front of you.
Quinn was on the other side of the glass, looking right at you.
Your friends shoved you up the glass, giggling and squealing. You nearly ran into the glass from the force of their shoves. Quinn laughed at you, his smile exactly how you remembered it.
He pointed at the white Canucks towel in your hands and shouted, “toss it over!” The arena was so loud you were glad he had mouthed it clearly. You hesitated but threw the towel over. With one glove off and in the other hand, he caught it. He gestured to one of your friends to throw over the Sharpie she was holding. She did gladly, happy to be included. He caught it easily and started to write quickly on the white fabric. Your heart did flips while watching him, and your hands shook with nothing to hold onto.
He finally capped the pen and threw both the towel and marker over the glass. You struggled to catch it, but thankfully, you managed to hold onto it. You held it flat before you.
Meet me by my car after. Usual spot. Your breath stopped slightly when you saw a rushed heart drawn next to the words. You looked back up to see him putting his glove back on. He gave you a warm smile that set you on a fire from the tips of your toes to the top of your head. You took a deep breath and nodded to him. His smile widened slightly. Before he turned to skate away, you saw him mouth the words, “nice jersey.” You stuttered for a second, and he simply winked and turned.
Your friends all screamed and crowded you, looking at the towel.
“Usual spot? What the fuck is going on?” Lydia yelled over the noise, cackling.
You just blushed and shook your head, returning to your seat with the towel gripped tightly in your hands.
As the teams continued to warm up, you explained as quickly as you could that you and Quinn had once been together. Your friends, of course, were shocked but also very excited for you at the prospect of reuniting with him. You simply waved your hands in protest.
“I don’t even know if he wants to get back together with me! He might just want to catch up or something… we’re cool now and I don’t want to mess anything up.”
“Girl, please!” one of your friends shouted. “He drew a motherfucking heart and winked at you! Of course he wants you back.”
You all laughed and you embraced the next blush that warmed your cheeks.
The players left the ice, and minutes later, the lights went dark. The deafening sound of nearly 19,000 people screaming almost broke your eardrums. Blue light filled the room, and you looked up to see what was playing on the large screens above you.
You watched the intro video and let a nostalgic, giddy feeling overtake you. You couldn’t help but smile.
The arena fell back into nearly full darkness. You heard the beginning of a familiar sound of twinkly guitar that dragged you right back to 2011. Goosebumps rose up along your skin all over your body. That was the last time the Canucks had made it to the Playoff finals, and you hoped dearly that they could get there again. The playing of Where The Streets Have No Name from their intro from 2011 made hope take hold of you.
You couldn’t help but raise your particularly special white rally towel in the air to wave alongside all of the other Canucks fans in the building.
It had been surprisingly easy to get into the players’ parking garage. Despite it being two years since you had been in the building, you were recognized by several people, who let you walk wherever you wanted.
Your friends had practically shoved you to go after the game, screaming after you to call them later. You had laughed and walked away, your steps lighter than they had been in a long while.
You later found yourself standing by Quinn’s car. It was the same one he’d had when you had been together. Your hand brushed the shining hood of the car, and you could see yourself in the passenger seat, laughing at something he’d said as the two of you drove around downtown Vancouver.
“Thank God you actually showed up.”
You whipped around, seeing a freshly showered Quinn in sweatpants and a hoodie making his way towards you.
You tugged on the hem of the jersey, your heart beating quicker and quicker with every step he took.
He stopped in front of you, and when you looked up, you both spoke.
“I love you.”
“I’m sorry.”
Your eyes nearly popped out of your head. “You-what?”
He bit his bottom lip before repeating himself. “I love you. I know it’s been two years, but-”
“I love you, too,” you said quickly, blood roaring in your ears. “And I am so, so sorry. I never should’ve-”
It was his turn to cut you off. “Don’t apologise, please. It’s not your fault.”
“Can you… can you please accept my apology, at least?”
He smiled softly. “I forgive you. I’m sorry, too.”
“I forgive you, too,” you whispered softly, your heart swelling with affection as you looked at him. You felt an intense relief flood your body. Your shoulders finally relaxed for the first time in what felt like years. He reached out and wrapped you in a warm hug. You melted into it, returning the gesture.
“I missed you. So much,” you mumbled into his hoodie.
One of hands gently scratched the back of your neck like he used to do. “I missed you, too.” He pulled away just enough to lean down and kiss your lips softly. Nothing had ever felt so natural. His playoff beard scratched your face and you laughed at the sensation, pulling away.
“Not used to the beard,” you admitted, smiling widely.
He smiled, too. “Yeah, what do you think? Should I keep it around?”
You shrugged, leaning back into him. “Well, you’re very handsome either way.”
“You think?”
“Mhm. Your hair also looks very good. I like it longer like this,” you told him, ruffling his brown hair. He swatted your hand away and kissed your cheek.
“Noted.” He looked down at me again. “Should probably get you a new jersey.”
“Hm, you think I need the big ole C on here, Captain?”
He shook his head, blushing. “Don’t call me that.”
You laughed, wrapping your arms around him, bringing his head down for you to kiss. “Couldn’t help myself.” You grabbed his hands. “Congratulations on the big win, by the way.”
“I can’t believe you came. I thought I was hallucinating or something when I saw you,” he told you honestly.
“Well, I’m glad I came,” you admitted, running a hand through his hair.
“You have no idea how happy I am right now,” he said, smiling wider than you had seen all night.
You laughed, feeling pure joy in your heart. “I think I might have an idea.”
#quinn hughes#quinn hughes x reader#quinn hughes x y/n#quinn hughes x you#nhl#nhl players#nhl imagine#nhl hockey#quinn hughes fanfiction#qh43#vancouver canucks#nhl x reader#nhl x you#nhl x y/n#canucks hockey#canucks#quinn hughes fluff#quinn hughes angst#quinn hughes fanfic#quinn hughes fic#nhl fic#nhl fanfiction
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