#idk I’m tired so I can’t think that well
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I just finished tsats and tbh that felt more like a long fanfic than anything.
#the sun and the star#tsats#will solace#nico di angelo#solangelo#william andrew solace#will solace pov#pjo#it was good#but like what#all the wait is over#and I feel like it wasn’t really worth it#there was a lot of moments I really liked#but the ending is kinda unexpected???#idk I’m tired so I can’t think that well#I think
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so
#last night was really so so so fun and it was super hard to get myself to go out? like#in the sense of I really wanted to because I knew it would be fun but I also knew my anxiety was eating me alive#and it would be an obstacle getting through that without alcohol and I need to be … careful#but I got fun drunk and didn’t have too bad of a hangover and didn’t feel super anxious once we got out :#and a different friend wants to make plans for tonight but I am really bad at making plans in advance because sometimes I physically can’t#do things after work bc tired bc neuro disorder and it’s frustrating to my friend with severe control issues#bc she needs to make specific plans like a week out and I’m like erm babe I can’t like#do that? and then if I don’t feel well day of and need to be home she gets (rightfully) frustrated because I’m bailing but it’s#challenging. and you don’t understand unless you live with it.#and it’s frustrating for us both. I don’t want her to think I don’t value her because I do and I force myself out often enough bc I#genuinely feel bad. but it’s so fucking hard sometimes . she also lives sort of far so going from work and having#to drive an hour to her place to then go somewhere and be out like#I’m spent before I even get there#friend I saw last night and I don’t talk consistently but when we do it’s always the same vibe and so fun and we just catch up about life#I feel like when I see my other friends they have things to always talk about because they’re in a discord call almost every night#I don’t have the energy!!!!!!!!!! like I’m so sorry that’s so much for me#idk she isn’t answering me now but if she wants to do something I need to know in the next hr bc if not I’m literally going to bed#I love her but there’s a disconnect between us rn and I don’t know how to mend that gap#but I do love her friendship so I’m just like. sigh#idk it would be different if she was closer and I know that#I hope getting back on medication helps get me being more social again. I’m just so tired this week that speaking is hard lol
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Look at this sweetie!!
#I am so tired and sore X_X. today definitely pushed my limits#it’s not great I’m crashing so hard at the end of the day. This May Not be the job for me but :/ there’s no other employment#but I have the ability to work casually here which I need#I’m considering looking into disability aid. But idk if I’m that severe of a case#I can still do most things. I’m strong even. I just can’t stand for more than an hour and a half and I can’t hear well#and I think those can just be accommodated for. Except everything here is manual labour or fast food#where I can’t hear well enough in a fast food joint to even order and respond correctly
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Currently having a breakdancing session with myself<333
#im Turing 21 tomorrow#im gonna cry#I don’t want to spend time with my family#i don’t understand#they don’t even like me xjsjhjdhs#its sad that the moment I move away I’ll be low contact with all of them://#my life is going no where#I want to leave#but I’m disabled and not mentally stable enough dndjhdjxks#but they just think I’m lazy#like bro I have doctors appointments smsmjsks#I faint when I’m out in public#i hate my birthday#so much#im not in the closet but at this point I wish I was sjjsjdks#the only reason I’m still home and not kicked out is because my dad cared well he tires#my mother would have kicked me out#girlie gonna kicked me out for shaving my head#and getting a binder#both my parents are transphobic but they’re both different kinds of transphobe#dad is ignorant transphobia#mother fucking dislikes us teehee#she’d rather kick me out#can’t believe I let this women beat the shit out of me everyday for 13 years#whelp#im not ready to be 21#I wasn’t ready to be 20#I wasn’t ready to be 18#I suck at everything wtf dnmdnddm#man idk why I’m still kicking tbh
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on another note
#4-5ish months i’ve been the main (i’m pretty sure only) person cleaning every weekend#my only days off and through the week clean dishes or load up the washer and pick them up#occasionally someone else w load it but not pick up or vice verse#november i lost all motivation i ask for help i get told they’re tired or they work or later or im met w but i did xyz the other day blah bl#blah blah yk#i tried to clean in nov but i just can’t im tired it’s constant that im cleaning i want to do things not go from work to home for chores to#also cook and then clean up dinner because i also have a job#and when i do something im not like OH well i did xyz! so i won’t do that …no i just say okay because why bring up what i already did things#need to be done why are you arguing with me like we want to bring up receipts? i’ll bring them up#i’m cleaning up clothes that’s not mine i’m cleaning up shit piss ans throw up of a dog that is not mine i walk said dog occasionally#but nope not the other way around why would they do any of that when it’s not theirs ?#i ask them to pick one day to make dinner nope i can’t i’m busy i have xyz …okay i have work gym appts errands too#and since i have cleaned in like a month or over it’s a mess but no one has taken action to fix that it’s just it’s messy in here#that’s why i hate if you need help ask. .#I ASK I DONT GET HELP you ask i help but god forbid i ask#‘but you clean weird’ ‘you do a deep clean’ it’s a regular clean i clean to clean not to light dust and see it be back to how it was in a#day or two. deep clean is i’m up in a ladder cleaning the vents cleaning cabinets shelves i can’t regularly reach or are hard to get to and#honestly that should be a monthly thing#weekly is wipe down appliances. sweep swiffer vacuum and mop the floors. wipe countertops and flat surfaces. flip the chairs around tighten#bolts wash the tablecloth clean the table. vacuum the couches lint roll any cloth surfaces. clean or wipe down the stove/microwave depending#on how dirty. clean bathroom tub toilet sink floors mirror. this is not a deep clean w that you get the fridge and dishwasher windows move t#the furniture to clean under that. i am tired and i dont ever get to finish everything#bathroom stays last and weekends are only so long i also go to the gym or need to go to the store or have ot to do#and ik i brought up here that im depressed but im not bring that up to them because regardless these things need to get done be it a the#worlds slowest pace but does need to happen and i don’t want to use that as an excuse because i will just let myself lay in bed and not show#shower or move does this mentality eat away at me maybe idk but it’s what my parents gave me and it’s not changing i don’t think so here we#are.#we can wait another month and i might be on the up but ill be down again so 🤷♀️#like actually i can use a lot of things as an excuse but that doesn’t help anyone does it ?
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#I think the depression just keeps getting worse#I don’t know if it will ever get better#I’m hurting and sad and I don’t think I can even cry#it all feels so hopeless#I try my best every day and it feels like I’m walking backwards#idk#idk what to do#also fyi this has nothing to do with the reptiles#that’s going well#or as well as just starting out goes#it’s more like…everything#like please either hit rewind or just take the damn tape out already#I want to cry but I can’t#I can’t even hold a conversation anymore#I’m so tired#I’m a bad person and a bad friend and a bad partner and just….bad at life#why is it easy for other people to be happy#why can’t I figure it out#I think I was made wrong
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Knowing that I have to go home after an 8-hour shift at the job I hate to force myself to deep clean the depression nest my room has become while neck deep in the same depressive episode for the past 3 months on top of chronic pain makes me wanna scream like can I just smoke weed and sleep on the couch instead pls?
#tw mental health#personal#idk how to tag this#I’m doin BAD#like- I think I’ve run into that gifted kid thing where it’s like yeah I was told I was good at this and then growing up and realizing I#never developed the skill beyond childhood but instead of gifted kid syndrome it’s high functioning depression#like I hit my 20s and I can’t high function my way through this shit anymore#I don’t know how and that makes it worse bc I’m looking back on teen me who could pretend for days and power through#now I’m just- a depressive episode hits and I just.. everything stops y’know?#im so tired and overwhelmed and I just don’t know where to start to even dig myself out of it#I’m self soothing to the point of it being harmful#if I don’t think about how bad it is and instead focus on whatever interest it feels better#my therapist has been out sick for almost 2 months now and I’m worried about her but we work so well together that I don’t wanna find#someone new and start all over again#I just..#I tried telling my family I’m struggling and my mom told me to pray about it so it’s like okay I’m just alone to deal with this like I#always do but I’m just.. I’m not doing well enough to be able to handle this on my own and no one is listening when I say that#I’m not going to do anything but I can’t pretend the s*ic*d*l thought aren’t at the front of my mind#every single problem I have would disappear for me if I wasn’t here and that’s bitter sweet because I want to see this life through#depression#mental health#struggling with depression#major depressive disorder
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Sometimes I really just need to hear “I’m proud of you” even when I fail.
#can’t sleep#stressed about my biochem exam in the morning#and I know if I do bad I’ll get a lecture#the whole ‘well did you do x y and z’ from my mom#yeah maybe I didn’t do 100% of the things that could be done#but I did was I was physically and mentally capable of#I did not have the time or mental capacity to seek out the TA#besides I don’t know what to even ask them to clarify/help me understand anyway#but I studied#and I did the homework#and I showed up for most of the classes outside of the ones I missed for chronic pain issues#she doesn’t understand how badly I’m in pain a lot of the time…#or she’s just used to pushing through it herself#idk how she does it but I can’t#I’m so tired#I just wish she’d tell me it’s okay she’s not mad and she’s proud without any sort of additional commentary#it would do wonders#sorry this was way longer than it was meant to be I’m just thinking out loud and throwing words into the void
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the thing is. yeah kendall feels like his whole life now is worth nothing. the one thing he was always meant to do, since he was seven years old he now cannot do. he will never get to do it. so he might as well die, right? he might as well end it all but the thing is life is never that kind nor generous. so i think kendall will try and fail. and he’ll try again and again but the world will keep its grip on him and eventually he’ll just stop trying. and yeah maybe he’ll never be a whole person (we’re nothing) maybe he’ll take logan’s advice and collect sports cars or write a book or start a new company but either way he’ll be forced to start anew. kendall logan roy died it’s just kendall now. and this outcome in itself is generous in a way because circumstances out of his control have kind of forced him to hold some accountability for his own life finally instead of counting on broken promises his father made him at 7 years old. he’s actually being forced to Be instead of just living up to someone else’s name. and he actually has people around him who still undoubtedly care. he’s sick and horrible and twisted but he is still ultimately lovable. he is still a human being weeping on the dirty ground even though he has spent so long trying not to be. even though he recanted the very thing that made him Real. the world will simply not relinquish its hold on him! tragic but somewhat hopeful in a way
#like he’s never going to be happy. never ever. but being content or even ambivalent to your life is different than being happy and i truly#think kendall could get there at some point. something about the world forcing you to go on. i like how his last scene was surrounded by#earth and water. things that are Materially Real compared to kendall himself who is Not Real. like i think while some things can’t be#repaired it’s not too late for him to be a little bit involved in his kids lives. maybe a few years down the line. rava still cares about#him and offers him so much kindness even when she shouldn’t. he will have stewy forever like. stewy will love him forever. give roman a few#months. ultimately i think roman will push kendall away at first bc he spent this whole season maintaining his family out of Necessity and#i think kendall and roman have got to a place where it’s a bit sick. and roman will come around but he needs some time and so does kendall.#but ultimately they’ll be okay.#with shiv it’s like. well. god. like kendall will never ever be able to look tom in the eye ever. but i think they will not talk for years#maybe. but they’ll ache for each other a little bit. but also the resent and anger and hurt gets in the way. but i think give it like. 10#years or idk maybe even less but 10 seems good to me. and they’ll slowly start to let each other in again. i think the three of them will#grow old together like ultimately they’ll always be kids when they’re with each other ykwim.#but idk i think kenshiv will be okay in the end jus rn it’s bleak asf. i think at different times in the next few years they will Try with#each other but the other will be so resistant but there will be a time where they’re just both so Tired and when tom dies shiv will call#kendall first even though they maybe haven’t spoken for god knows how long and he will be with her on the phone. and when connor passes away#they will hold hands again and idk. they’ll be okay. broken but okay.#anyway. i’m so over this <- girl who will never ever be over it#kendall
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Round of applause for Alex, I’m going to bed before 1am 👏👏👏👏
#well after I put on my pyjama it will probably be 1am but that’s still great for me jcndjdnd#will I fell asleep before 4 am though ? still have to found out 🤪#please wish me luck im’ exhausted my body is in ruin#also please send someone to beat up my neighbours if they start playing their music before 11am#cause they are capable of doing so and you are all probably aware of how loud they fucking are I said it enough time 😭#i hate them so much#they probably gonna make me up at 11 like all day this week cause idk what they are doing but it’s like they are dropping a bowling ball#every 5 minute in the room above me I’m tired#you probably think i exaggerate but I’m not i never met anyone as loud as they are I can’t even believe it myself#my dad had enough and left a note on their door translated cause they woke up my mom at like 6-7am the same way to the point she yelled and#hit the ceiling which we never done cause we don’t want problems we want peace 😭#but if they still continue to be as loud it’s gonna be a call to the landlord cause the neighbour above them is also tired of the music#and if we call the landlord they will be force to move out cause it’s their 3rd warning since they moved here 😅#and they only moved her in like April ??? pretty sure the previous one moved in April idk but I miss him so much I want him back 💔#anyway Goodnight it’s gonna turn 1 am in 5 minutes love y’all 💓#well fast edit they are doing right what they are doing on the morning so I don’t think I’ll be sleeping for a while unless the fact#that I’m exhausted take control of my body 🤪#I jumped 3 times in 5 minutes 🤪#alex.txt
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been having an overwhelming on and off feeling of dread all day over the thought of opening my email or getting a text or whatever and it’s Yet Another job rejection. like good god that’d fucking kill me
#I’m so tired of this dude#like I was pretty confident about this but. idk I’ve been turned down so many fucking times now and places have gotten my hopes up#just to let me down every single time and I just can’t help but feel like rejection is inevitable. cause im always rejected#note: I have been applying for jobs since January and have gotten exactly two (2) interviews that whole time.#kibumblabs#it’s only been a day but. idk#I am not going to be able to truly rest until I know the outcome despite how much I am dreading the possible outcome#and I don’t feel good reassuring myself and telllng myself it went well because that’d just be setting me up for a bigger letdown#man I wish they just gave me some kind of assurance on the spot#I think it isn’t helping that I’ve been super isolated recently#only one of my friends irl has been talking to me the last two weeks or so#and I know it’s realistically probably because school started but. idk no texts or anything#considering how things have gone this year overall mainly re: my ex and what he tells people I just feel like it’d be on brand at this#point for them to all want to stop associating with me and cut me off like my ex did and one of my close childhood friends did this year#I really don’t trust anyone anymore and I wish I could but when things are dead silent for a week or more it becomes kinda impossible#I wonder if any of them will talk to me voluntarily any time soon#I am not confident#lots of waiting lots of being alone lots of nothing
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god i don’t wanna be here i don’t wanna exist
#i hate myself so much#I’m sick of myself and sick of this world#i got upset at Lexi bc they said they didn’t wanna hang lol like i just shutdown n went quiet even tho they drove to take me to the shops#bc I’m ill#like I’m tired of always getting hurt I’m so damn sensitive all the time#like idk i guess i just thought they were gonna stay at mine for a while like we usually do#n instead they just wanted to go home#which is obv fine like they can do whatever they want but im sick of getting upset over this stuff#n i always feel horrible and guilty when i get triggered whether it’s shutting down or passive aggressiveness#or having a meltdown over stuff idk i just feel so emotionally childish n even when i know it’s wrong to feel tht way it still happens#i just wish i knew how to be better and stop being like this#n my therapists just keep telling me well it’s okay and normal to feel this way because I’ve been thru bad experiences before n thts why#i feel abandoned and unloved#but it’s like I’m 24 i shouldn’t be so emotionally all over the place and get triggered all the time like i can’t function bc of this#n i end up just acting in ways i don’t like like if someone was acting this way w me id be exhausted I’m not surprised I’ve been called#exhausting and too sensitive and negative and immature bc i am n hell if u don’t like me dw i hate myself more ive literally been trying#to get better and it’s going nowhere i think i just gotta end myself fr#journal
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regretting getting festival ticket. but i know i would also regret not getting it
#for different reasons#ig this is how i feel about every decision i’ve made recently#thinking about it makes me sick i’m so stressed out why did i agree to go#i need to kill myself but i can’t do that without a trigger and my dad hasn’t been shitty for a week or two#i’m just. the most unhappy i’ve been in months and there is nothing waiting for me that will make it better#i should’ve started taking meds again but i didn’t and now the prescription has expired#well. not now it’s been like 2 months#idk why maybe bc i don’t think they’d change anything maybe bc my family was weird about them#but the last time i brought this up with my mom she got angry at me for trying to blame her#like yeah shit sorry hearing you complain abt me taking medication affected the way i look at it#bc now she’s all for it but i don’t think i believe her#it’s always 'what do they even do they won’t fix you' bc i guess it never crossed her mind they aren’t meant to cure anything#but rather help manage everyday life#whatever i’ve been having trouble with sleep again too#i’m just so so fucking tired all the time and when i get home all i can do is lay down#and i fall asleep but it’s shallow and i’m just stuck barely conscious having dreams which i hate#i need to look if i can return the ticket
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louis smiley and blue bandana for aotv <3333
#i know i said i would write something up#but i’m a bit tired and have seen a lot of the same takes from people#but overall#i thought it was a really nice recap of this last tour#and it just made me super excited for all that’s to come in louis’ career#i think it’s really inspiring how louis carved his own path for success#especially being so young and getting told no time and time again#it’s crazy how he never once let that stop him from at least trying#i just think it was really cool of him to show that the process of growth is not linear#and although you may have one win today tomorrow you could be receiving bad news again#but the important thing is to keep on going#the success is in the journey#idk but i could personally relate to that and it just made me feel even more connected with louis#his resilience is just crazy esp considering his age and just everything life threw at him and his family#like god i just can’t imagine#also really loved seeing the dynamic with his band mates and family too#since we only really see them on socials and stuff#and ofc i squealed at all the 1d scenes and especially the larry ones 😆#i have more thoughts and some criticisms#as well#but overall im just really excited for this next tour#ohhhh#i also loved all the layering of the songs with the clips#esp the sibwawc feature ITS WHAT SHE DESERVES!!!!#feel free to add any thoughts in my inbox and we can discuss#really love hearing everyone’s thoughts on the film#aotv#lt
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ok so i was gonna get drunk last night but after like. four shots i fell asleep for two hours watching a video and woke up at midnight like uhhhh hello and then i just went back to sleep and now i am fighting for my LIFE trying to stay asleep like i do not want to be up at 7:30am when i don’t have to work wtf
#grrrrrrrrrr oh well maybe i’ll stay up for a bit and then nap ????? idk#my sleep schedule is fucked rn i have No Idea what i’m doing rn#i’m sad i didn’t get to get drunk tho bc i was looking forward to having a fun time listening to music and watching a movie maybe and then#i fell asleep 🧍🏻🧍🏻🧍🏻 and todays my only day off so i can’t try again tonight LMAO#next weekend tho ! i shouldn’t be so tired and i’ll be able to actually drink and stay up#part of my issue was i didn’t drink with a monster as a chaser i think that’s why i fell asleep i’m usually Fine#anyways i guess i’m awake now hi everyone :)
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looked up exactly how the surgery I’d need would go and now I’m fucking crying bc it’s worse than I thought and it’s WAY bigger of a deal than i think and it’s just. Scaring the fuck out of me. bc if it’s this severe enough to be impacting me like it is, then I’m gonna have to have surgery, no doubt. technically it’s skull surgery and proper brain surgery, but still. they’re cutting into my fucking head and while the chances of anything going wrong are astronomically low, i’m still gonna worry. if I would’ve waited any longer I could’ve easily become paralyzed. this IS a big fucking deal. isn’t it.
#if god exists then he’s playing a cruel joke on me#I must be his favorite voodoo doll bc I just can’t catch a fucking break can I#this period of my life was actually going decent#and now this curveball got thrown at me#i’m just. Tired of surviving.#I just wanna give up bc every time I think i’m doing good#something like this fucking happens#I’ll be immobile for basically six weeks. at least three#and I know that mom won’t want to be my caregiver and she won’t wanna walk Chloe#bc I won’t be able to. my friends have suggested having me board Chloe#with the woman who did last time but if I didn’t have her during my recovery#then I’d just give up#i’m just. Tired of fighting man. can’t I just not exist for a bit#not die. just not exist. so i could get some kind of break#idk if i can make it through this trial this time lads.#for the record: I’M FINE RIGHT NOW#it’s just. i’m not coping Well with the implications of everything#probably wouldn’t even get many visitors for the three days I’ll be in the hospital#it’s fine. really.
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