#idk I was sick of being inside
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Y’all. Companion (2025) is so fun. I went in totally blind (other than the most basic plot) and I loved it. Pretty mild gore, and a really good Chekhov’s Gun moment I picked up on that was really satisfying.
Also I want that pink fit
#I also picked up on something two characters had in common#(iykyk)#I think this is my first time going to a theater alone#idk I was sick of being inside#and I had a new cute outfit and hair color#and it was surprisingly nice out#I got like and hour before everything closed tho#so I just looked up what was playing and said ‘fuck it’#no regrets#kinda wanna see it again soon#maybe I’ll make a friend watch it with me or smth#(not that I have many near me lol)#mine#lilac rambles#companion 2025
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😭😭😭
#man I know hot topic merch is its own little thing like they basically make some of their own designs rather than it being the artist's#actual merch that they've been involved in#but the fact that there's a hot topic fob shirt with demonic imagery (like ouija board type thing I think) is really bothering me#like. I had to stop reading fma because of stuff like this. is God asking me to give up my favorite band now too? because I don't know#if I can handle this. and I KNOW it's just for the aesthetic there's nothing truly demonic in any way in fob's music#other than the ybc which. OK it's a bit weird in how it deals with the religious stuff but that's not really the same thing I don't think?#like idk I just feel sick inside now and idk how to handle this. like I couldn't get any peace at all until I put down fma so is it the same#thing here? I don't know how to handle it#the worst part is that it's so easy to excuse as being hot topic merch and not actual band merch. but then I think I'm just#making excuses so I can make the wrong choice
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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#I am losing my fucking mind#I am so sick of being treated like I'm the reason we're in this spot and having the sacrifices we HAVE made completely ignored or downplayed#I KNOW there's more to improve on but FUCK#we don't go out with friends and haven't in over a year#the two times I did go out with friends it ate me up inside because I had to spend money#I was disgusted with myself#we haven't gone to a sporting event in at least two years#we haven't had a single date night in the same time frame#and yet we get criticized for fucking. buying gifts for our birthdays and christmas#we probably spent less than $80 for christmas fuck offffffffff#and I got shit for buying my growing two year old clothes because she had NOTHING TO WEAR FOR WINTER!!!#but no that can't possibly be true we got so many free clothes from friends it's totally impossible that we didn't get anything past 18mo#TWO YEARS AGO#so obviously I'm just spending all our money on shopping sprees obviously this is all my fault I'M the problem#and now I'm seriously considering giving up swim class and a new insulin pump entirely :(#why should those get an exception but not the small hobbies keeping us from going insane#genuinely idk how I'm going to make it the next few months#we're so fucked#and God knows if I'll be able to breast feed this time#or if we'll be stuck paying boatloads for formula again#not to mention how bad the hospital bill will be...#*just to clear things up this is not a vent post about my husband it's about the family giving us financial advice :P
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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Who else out there can't watch any kind of horror because they can feel it in their body
#intrusive thoughts like ohhh you know what being opened up and having someones hands inside you would be like?#you know what someone grabbing your ribs and squeezing your intestines feels like.#have you thought about sick sounds of biting into skin and feel the pressure and the way it would resist uour teeth#and i go no.... and my brain says well IM thinking about it :-)#idk being able to feel my teeth itch thinking of this shit like i can feel it all happening even just typing it out#ghoul.txt
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hm. feeling annoying and embarrassing to be around today. dont like that.
#/vent#/personal#pls ignore if you're in a good mood i do Not want to be a bummer#dyou ever like... swing violently between extroverted and introverted??#idk i feel like that's the only way i can explain it#while i'm in an extroverted mood my anxiety makes it feel like i'm on a rollercoaster#like pushing myself onto the ride (being social) is hooorrible but i've learned that it's worth it in the end and i have fun#but then when i swing back to feeling more introverted it's like#suddenly the most dramatic fucking crash#and every interaction i've ever had makes me feel sick to think about#even the good ones somehow#and i'm embarrassed about the fact i exist#like i feel annoying and embarrassing 24/7 even on good days but on bad days it's like it's eating my body from the inside out#wish i had a normal brain hahaaaa#uggh. anyway. sorry for this but what use is a tumblr blog if you don't document your decent into insanity.
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#struggling big time with questions of likability and popularity and school environments and social environments in general#and what it means and just feeling faint and sick at heart about it all right now#in many ways this 5th year has kind of …. idk solidified things at school for me? and also solidified my reputation#but with not flying under the radar anymore and not being someone that people can write off anymore#comes a whole host of new problems#and weights and difficulties#and I don’t know. there’s a wrestling I always feel internally between my (very great) desire to be liked#and my desire to be a good and fair teacher apart from that#and the ways that I fail#and then there’s other people’s insecurities opinions and jealousies#to contend with. such as they are. and then there’s just the way that I feel on the inside most of the time#which is actually not loved or liked at all! there is a deep loneliness in my soul#kind of always. but especially lately#but it’s contradictory to what it seems#I also just LIKE flying under the radar while also being someone who is drawn to occupying a space to speak#and be heard from#and it’s just all a lot and I am so very tired#idk just having some Friday night venting. it was a very tough week. I am tired and I am sad#I also for real just need to cry
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maybe one day when I can get a hold of a therapist with expertise that fits my particular issues, I can finally address the crippling feelings of jealousy and worthlessness whenever people who's kindness I treasure deeply are nice to others 🤔
#hate to admit it but deep inside i am just the absolute worst. jealousy and worthlessness are eating my insides every single day#not as bad as it once was. I've gotten pretty good at repressing my reactions. but i still feel it like a knife twisting in my chest and gut#and i don't think that's normal ✌#hate to admit it but this jealousy and the resulting feelings of worthlessness and me wanting to avoid The Bad Feelings#and unnecessary drama: if i remove myself from the situation/person i won't hurt anyone. sound logic when you're in distress. stupid asf tho#has caused the breakdown of a few friendships. and I'm not proud of how many people I've hurt this way over the years.#just wish i could get All Of This under control while avoiding all human contact#but i'm part of a social species and if i'm on my own for too long i go crazy crazy and that's not good either#will i ever get on top of this? who knows#...would that be considered black and white thinking?#like when people i care for and am happy to receive love and attention from give that same attention to others#and it feels like they won't ever give it to me again or that i am not special/our bond means nothing#and it makes me feel this ugly ugly jealousy -> shame -> worthlessness -> shame -> gotta isolate thing???#IDK?????????? i'm just working here (in my fuckdd up brain and body) i don't control the manifestation of my mental issues#anyway confessions at 6am after a sleepless night while feeling delirious from being sick with a cold 👍#might delete this later idk yet
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ok but one of my favorite things about ofmd will always be the body diversity among the cast, & how characters of all shapes & sizes are shown as being worthy of beauty & pleasure & love.
#seeing ppl thirsting over wee john heals something inside me.#& pete & lucius with their hot normal bodies that they use to FUCK.#& seeing olu land not only jim but the goddamn pirate queen !!#& no one ever questioning why.#because there is no question.#he's hot & sweet & soft & he's just what they both need !!!#idk man i just like seeing normal ass people being pretty & loved.#i'm so deeply sick of Capitalism-Approved Marvel-Inspired Hotness.#give me real humans not model types please they're so much sexier.#personal#txt#ofmd
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Have I told you guys about the fucked up dreams I've been having recently? I've been having some fucked up dreams lately. yeah <3
#sorry this is mostly about a dream I had yesterday and if I just say it it's gonna sound so creepypasta-y#like I have a lot of creepypasta-y dreams it's just how my dreams have always worked hehe#It wasn't fucked up because it was scary or anything it was fucked up because of how I felt in it#how to describe it...like I was like almost too calm and accepting of my fate#like okay previous dream context (whether this was context from another actual dream or just. lore my brain made up idk)#I got sentenced to execution. It's...really hard to describe the context without it sounding really silly.#like it was a part of some sick game that a person planned out and it all ended in a white maze room#I was told I could either choose to go free from a month and then be collected for execution or be trapped in the room forever but alive#and I chose to be executed. everyone knew. we all even had silly inside jokes about it ehe#like my friends were picking music out for it. it was really silly hehe!#but the person who came to collect me for execution was so striking. she was like. almost literally a doll#A big doll!! Like she was so so tall!! she actually shrank to be more my size as the dream went on. she was strikingly pretty#and kind. she was so kind#we walked around and said goodbye to everyone. she made friendly conversation. she guided me through how everything was going to go#god the tenderness of it all makes me sqee a lil aha. a little fucked up I think#it was self-inflicted you see. Rose bushes over a tall fence. that's why she was so tall. to help me over#I caught on pretty quickly that she was a person who decided to stay in the room instead of being executed#that's what becomes of them. they become subservient to the game master. they're made to collect the ones who chose to leave and die later#she told me that deep down she kinda wished that doing this for him would convince him to make her human again and to let her be free#I told her that it was bullshit and that he'd never do that. and she was like. yeah. but a girl can dream right?#another one of those dreams that have lines that stick out in my head as well...okay one of them was just really funny#'Hey guys' 'I'm being executed today :D' 'oh. okay!'#dhdhdh#'It's scary isn't it?' 'yeah. it is' 'Well. It'll all be over soon'#like gwah. gwahhhh#'There is something wrong inside of you' levels of impact on my psyche I reckon#me and the doll girl kissed a few times. it was weirdly quite natural. nothing intensive#but I think we both had an understanding that we weren't seeing eachother again and we cared about eachother#it was so greatly platonic and nice. yearning for something I will never experience aha ^^;#Idk if I even want to be in any sort of QPR but it was definitely nice in this dream
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I'm convinced people who leave their blog blank are people who just go through writer's masterlists and don't actually follow or view the rest of the blog, so they don't even see posts begging them to not be blank or explaining why.
#i hate that 90% of interaction i get is from blank blogs. because if i block them then who is going to read what i put out#also PSA i die a little inside when i see the same person liking big portions of work and not reblogging a thing#or when they reblog but add nothing except tags like “fluff” or “yeonjun” etc.#i got a comment from a blank blog saying “please make this a series” and it actually made me decide to start blocking blank blogs again lol#just PLEASE#because i shouldn't have to beg you to do what you should know to do by now if you're not engaging properly you know? does that make sense?#aka if you're just liking people's work without following or reblogging them then... i lost my train of thought I'm so sick rn 💩#taking advantage or something? idk#i need to start protecting my account now that i know it could get removed because of blank blogs#this has been a rant into the void. now back to my unscheduled being unwell.
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anyways. holding linebeck gently
#some assorted untagged linebeck thoughts tonight cuz hey why not its been a Day of ups and downs and he’s been there in my mind#sometime this month i do want to make some images of him w/ the pride flags of my hcs so general gay and then mlm and then intersex#general post ph crew rundown theres linebeck and then damien is bi and trans and bellum doesnt fucking care and link is figuring it out#so its half we got it and half man i have other things to worry about#i feel like you put linebeck and midna in a room and they are gay/lesbian buddies mlm/wlw solidarity thats what they are to me#anyways. revisited my post abt possession aftermath effects. you can probably tell i enjoy hurt/comfort/whump#smth darkly funny to me abt extremely sick and delirious linebeck and worried link kinda hanging out in his room#with link being like i bet youll be fine!!! you’re recover youre fine. and linebeck just saying kid i have rabies symptoms#anyways he lives hes fine he survives the magic squid rabies. to calm the characters nerves and my own ive decided that once hes well enoug#linebeck and link decide to visit the fairy queen to get some kinda divine checkup and to get the closure of. linebeck is fine he’s fine#nothing malicious is lingering youre good just. get some more bed rest#i do like the idea that when hes got some minor injury to the degree of some little papercur linebeck is incredibly bitchy and whatnot#and then when he’s in genuine danger of dying he’s eerily chill abt it. while recovering from possession one day when he can walk he just#chills on the deck when theres no breeze just smoking. ofc hes terrified inside but fuck if hes going to be obvious abt it (when lucid)#could tie that to his trauma n whatever ig but rn i dont have the energy to really think on it idk hes had enough bad injuries#and has found that when hes actively distressed crying out and whatnot didnt really get people to help#like its smth he learned early on his brother was there and there was just enough but like yknow. wasnt ingrained ig#thats a different thing to be lumped into the idea of him learning that its fine to be more vulnerable abt what you feel n need n want#prob smth he practices with link i mean damien is good but he needs to learn to listen instead of assume for that first bit#uhhh. earlier today i almost made a vent post but didnt but i think the gist was god i need to stop comparing other loz things to my iwn#bc it never never ends well. anyways. uhhh. came up with a possible post ph story arc for bellum n link#and decided to revive an older one with link and linebeck. post ph is really really just its own thing tbh#ofc meant to be a sorta fan sequel thing but between the disregarding of canon sequel stuff and not really adhering to the feeling n whatno#its just its own thing and i like it. ill prob delete this later
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the cat i literally shared a soul with died yesterday i am normal
view him. love him. i will never have such a connection with another animal in my life probably (sorry eggy)
#txt#shehakskosifufhebenejfudhejekeowudhfbebejajsuehejwksl#:(#i feel annoying being like hey my cat died feel sad for me but also my cat fucking died#from what my mom said though it seems like he knew it was coming and simply went to sleep#im kind of glad it happened now and by his own volition it seems#bc it wouldve hurt real bad to see him in pain#he had liver problems :/ idk what the exsct cause of death was but he was just old and sick :/#ohhhhh i am going to miss him so much#twix you will live on forever inside my heart#:((
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What I miss most about going to school while we're stuck home due to the cold is my little daily game of finding where the younger kids dragged the octopuses off to
These are Methodius, Paphnutius, and Martha. Often the only things in our entire school building keeping me sane
#no I wasn't the one who named them#methodius was the first. just one of the toys they have lying around for the younger kids. an ex friend of mine named him#after a nickname her brother had. for some reason. his name is arseniy idk how he got that nickname#I missed how paphnutius came to be#one of the teachers of the younger grades must've bought him#and named him that bc it kinda matches with methodius#he's the most deformed since the younger kids wanted to see if it was possible to see both faces at the same time#cause these are the kinds of toys where you can turn them inside out and they'll be a different colour and have a frowny face or smth#then this year on Halloween my favourite teacher gave Martha as a gift to the school#decided the octopuses needed a girl in their group#named her Martha since apparently we're now going for russian orthodox names#and yeah I know all three of those have different origins#but they were very commonly used in churches and monasteries and the like#so.. yeah there's a theme going on there#also idk if octopuses or octopi is the correct term and honestly I don't care#what matters is that I miss these guys#I like putting one of them on my head and just chilling in lessons like that#cause why not?#okay nia its 5 a.m go to bed#me being sick fucked up my sleep schedule so badly..
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Feel free to ignore this!!! this is kinda like public journalling?? i dont wanna keep talking to my friends about it <3
#So obviously i dont want to “make this about myself” but im gonna push that aside to examine my own thoughts foe a bit#obviously 6 hours isnt a good time scale but i want to get this out of the way#so ive journaled some thoughts about how I WANT to let myself feel discomfort#-and gross and stuff so I can release it instead of pushing it aside and just prolonging the feeling#I want my brain to know i forgive myself for feeling like this in spite of not being the injured person because its normal#I am not worried for the guy that got hit because I know that other than a broken leg he is all around okay#although i did find out that my age estimate of 13-14 was wrong and hes actually 11 or 12#i feel bad for him obviously !!!#but this is for me to get out my own feelings#I am easily disturbed and his leg was VERY broken#ive not broken a bone before (or really been injured at all) and it made me very uncomfortable#I felt sick and/or like i was going to cry#I called my mum but she had to go in a rush because of Plans (totally fair!!!!)#The noise of the hit was insanely loud and definitely whats twisting me up the most#since i wasnt looking i dont know if it was just him getting hit OR if it was also the bone snapping#although the bone snap could 100% be something my mind made up#i think thats psrtly whats frustrating idk how much of this is real#like I thought i saw the inside of his leg but i almost definitely didnt#i dont know#im not like. DISTRESSED.#Im just feelinf kinda queasy i havent stopped thinking about the noise it made and how LIMP his leg was#I was so anxious crossing the roads on my way home#and getting off my bunkbed makes me think im gonna snap my ankle everytime#But its natural to feel that yknow?? like ill move forward and after that ill be able to move on too#I think feeling it is the easiest way to do this i dont want to push it down#i cant ask for a day off for reasons#oversharing on main#beverly says stuff#tw bones#tw car accident
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