#me and the doll girl kissed a few times. it was weirdly quite natural. nothing intensive

[cxdemistake]

| So, like I said before, this is a post on the basics of my sex-repulsion and how it connects to my muses. Some TMI under the cut (and it’ll probably be long as fuck) so here we go:

Background on my sex-repulsion: I’ve been sex-repulsed for as long as I’ve known what sex is and how it works. Personally, I don’t see myself ever having sex. I’ve never wanted to. Even something that isn’t considered sex, like masturbation, is mostly out of the picture for me, because with the way my brain works, anytime I desire something even remotely sexual (like what’s mentioned above), I feel immense guilt and I have a depressive episode, of which the length depends-- on what is beyond me, but it depends.

Sex in general is a giant trigger for me. There’s nothing in my past that has caused me to feel this way-- I already got an anon asking about this, no, I was not raped or molested, no, I am not repressing anything. Nothing happened to me. It’s a phobia, like arachnophobia or scopophobia, and why people are able to tag those without any problems but not think that my own phobia is valid is beyond me.

What happens when I read smut, see a random sex gif, or have someone talk about sex to me is pretty much what you’d expect from someone with a phobia (which I am)-- I feel sick to my stomach, usually I feel like I want to rip my skin off, I shake, I dissociate, all that great, wonderful stuff. And I can count at least 5 times in the past year that this has happened, because of untagged/uncovered smut. Seriously, guys, just tag it. It takes less than a second and it prevents triggering on my part.

Recently I had someone tell me that I act like I hate people who have sex... idk where anyone read that, but that’s literally like the opposite of me. I’m not equipped to hate people. I couldn’t even hate my own dad during the time that I wasn’t speaking with him after he told me he would disown me, I’m just that bad at hating. (Note: Obviously that situation is much better.) If you have sex, great! If you don’t, same! If you love sex, awesome! If you hate sex, I feel! But if you hate people who choose either to have it or not, then you’re a prick, and you should probably leave me alone, bc clearly we won’t get along.

When it comes to smut, idc if you write it or don’t, or enjoy it or don’t, just like with sex. The problem comes when people decide not to tag it, because, like I said up there, things happen when I catch a glimpse of smut. Once again, just tag it, it isn’t that difficult. I don’t hate anyone for writing it, because tbh, I’m jealous of people that can write about something so intimate without feeling the need to rip their eyes out or tear their stomach open. If you understand how genitals work, great, I’m 22 and a trans guy and I still don’t understand a damn thing about mine or why I need them, so you’re already way ahead of me. If you write it, tag it and everything will be fine and dandy in Alistair-Land.

When it comes to my muses, pretty much all of them are inherently asexual, like me. This comes more naturally for a few muses, some examples being Gamzee, Ellis, and Connor.

Gamzee is a troll, from Homestuck (obviously), whose species’ romance occurs in “quadrants”, each “quadrant” being based off of a suit of cards. A basic description is this: hearts(Red)=true romance, diamonds(Pale)=platonic soulmates, spades(Black)=hateship, and clubs(Grey)=hateship with a mediator. We don’t see anyone having sex in the comics, and while Gamzee has a nice Black relationship going for a while, trolls don’t seem to have sex until it’s time to... breed, you could say.

Ellis is from Left 4 Dead 2, and we’re not given much backstory on him. if you ask a couple of people I’ve written him with, there’s quite a few reasons why I consider him ace, and the only girl he ever talks about in a romantic way? Zoey. The only other woman he meets on his journey, and he calls her an angel. I doubt this boy has had much sexual experience, if any, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s probably why he talks about Zoey the way he does.

Connor is from Detroit: Become Human, and he is an android. There are specified models (ex: Tracis) that are used for sex, and therefore I don’t think that normal models, or even prototypes like Connor, are built with genitalia. Therefore, he is basically a Ken Doll down there. In addition, while I will ship him romantically with anyone (including Hank, though I’ll also do it platonically), I feel that Connor craves love (whether platonic, familial, or romantic), but not necessarily sex. He’s just learning how to be human, after all.

Keep in mind, these are my OPINIONS, and how I portray my muses.

When it comes to a muse that is canonically sexual in nature, like Negan, things are a bit different.

With Negan, from The Walking Dead, it’s all about what happens that we see. What we do see is Negan bragging about fucking his wives, kissing some of them, holding them close, etc. But we never see any sex scenes. Obviously, TWD’s comic has a ton of sex scenes, but weirdly enough, never any with Negan. He makes sexual advances, jokes, and things like that, but he never acts on them on-screen or on-page. My Negan basically keeps his harem of wives for power-- when the man’s got your wife, you’re probably going to listen to him. In return for being treated well, they keep up the facade and counsel him when he needs it. He’s ace for a single reason-- Lucille. While he can still find comfort in someone else’s arms, after his affair while Lucille had cancer, he resolved to not sleep with anyone again, because he doesn’t want to cheat on her further.

My boundaries are simple: no sex of any kind, and no touching genitals. And I can’t understand why some people think that any affectionate action, like a kiss, or a bite to the neck, or running a hand up someone’s shirt, is inherently sexual. I write those actions as affection or flirtiness, and, y’know, there’s an easy way to make sure your muse isn’t aroused-- by not writing that they are. I’m pretty sure that’s what most of my partners have done in the past, is taken what they know is sexual, and suppressed it when they write something ship-related with me. If there’s no possible way you can do that... it’s not hard. It doesn’t take long to figure out what’s appropriate and inappropriate to write.

In conclusion: I hate being sex-repulsed, I wish I wasn’t, if you love sex or smut then I support you (just tag smut and pls don’t talk about sex to me), my muses are inherently ace, and there’s no sex of any kind or genital touching on this blog. Thank. |