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#idk I just don't think I can do this much longer
venus-is-thinking · 2 days
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DRDT Chapter 2 Episode 14: Initial Thoughts
What an episode! I can't believe that we're probably starting to near the end of the Trial. But, considering we're almost there, we DEFINITELY have a lot to talk about. It's a longer episode, and there's a LOT to go over, so buckle in!
SPOILER WARNING FOR DRDT CH 2 PART 2!
T/W: Murder, hanging (with depictions)
The Reactions
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Hu is literally so pretty.
I wasn't expecting her to get a whole mechanic defending Nico, but it makes sense. Letting other students cut in during the Class Trial is a great way to draw specific attention to a character point, and it's very clear that Hu's over-defense of Nico is going to be important moving forwards.
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RIP to my "using the weight rack as the carousel" theory. The fan probably makes more sense. I just still have no idea how the 300-ish pound or whatever weight rack managed to get knocked over in the struggle.
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I'm glad they directly pointed this out. Trying to kill everyone in the Class Trial was the EXACT thing Hu was so pressed about David doing. It's a weird double standard to be so forgiving of Nico when they tried to do the same thing.
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Insane thing to say if Eden is the culprit and killed Arei because she didn't believe her. Then again, if my explanation for a lot of Eden Trial dialogue is "she's speaking out of regret for killing Arei now that she knows Arei was being legit," maybe she's just calling herself cruel as well.
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This is honestly very valid.
Do you think "here" implies Nico trusts someone in the outside world? Based on their secret, it seems like they probably didn't have many friends. Could also be referring to animals? Or Mai Akasaki?
Big psychic damage to Hu though, considering we know she thrives on other people relying on her. She wants Nico to be someone who relies on her sooo bad, but they just... don't.
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Like, girl. They literally JUST said that they don't trust anyone. That includes you.
She's clearly projecting in some way, though, which is definitely an oof. I wonder if Hu wishes she had someone who was undeniably on her side in the past...?
(To be clear: I think Hu is a very well written and interesting character. She fits the fucked up vibes of Despair Time, but coming from a more surprising angle of "that really nice and caring person can also be fucked up." She's just clearly in the wrong here, so I get to clown on her as I clown on everyone else.)
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Ace is honestly so valid for this. Like, yeah he's kind of a bully and he sucks sometimes, but. Like. He did almost get murdered and people are, like, mad at him for it? Huh???
If Ace does end up being the Chapter 2 killer because he snapped, I honestly think he's so valid for that.
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It is my personal agenda to record every instance of J being notably anti-murder. I don't know where it's going but if it does go somewhere I want my credit because it is Apparent.
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(The entire fanbase nods in agreement.)
I know some people definitely still think/thought that Hu and/or Nico was responsible for the crime, so we've all DEFINITELY been squinting at that alibi. I fully believe it's true, but that doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't put it past Hu to make a fake alibi to protect Nico. Idk if Nico would go along with it, though.
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I got so jumpscared by the Closing Argument-style CG.
I'm so glad we did get a definitive answer on how this thing worked. I was so afraid that we were just gonna solve the Arei murder method and the exact solution of Ace's would be a "left to audience interpretation" kind of thing.
I'm not exactly sure where the blood on Ace's fingertips comes from? Maybe he cut his hand on the wire when he was trying to struggle after he woke up or something.
This makes so much more sense than anything I saw theorized though, lol. The fan falling from drop hanging totally checks out as a way that the murder mechanism could fail.
I have NO fucking clue why Nico opted for this as the murder mechanism, though. I get wanting to use Hu's wire to frame her, but why didn't you just cut Ace's throat with the wire in the first place???
where did their cape go :(
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Potentially suspicious line from Ace? I don't know what he's referring to as "go through all this." Like, maybe just reliving the murder attempt, I guess...? Could also be going through the Class Trial, though, if Ace killed as a result of Nico trying to kill him.
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*Levi's secret quote looms*
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Things that make me think Nico is either a victim or a survivor. Like, are you really gonna say this and then go try to kill someone else? ...Or Ace again, I guess??
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Fun fact: this was actually what guided me to my initial killer picks, before I discussed with anyone else or read any theories! I thought the killer was trying to frame Nico, so it had to be Eden or Ace. The tape and everything else was just what locked it in for me. It's fun to see Teruko follow more or less the same path that I did when I was trying to solve the mystery :)
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TAPE TIME :D
The use of the Bound Wrists truth bullet actually really confused me at first bc I didn't realize we were just talking about the tape. I was like, were Arei's wrists bound because Ace's were and it was intended to be another similarity???
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Maybe Eden's just being nice, but I find it really suspicious that her instinct after all this time is "didn't MonoTV take it" and not "oh I guess Ace is probably the murderer."
Teruko has now outlined two different ways that it makes sense if the killer was in the gym that night. If I were Eden, and I were innocent, I would be realizing that there's a very small suspect pool left, and I know that I'm not the killer, giving me additional information. Instead, she's questioning the validity of the tape argument, which isn't useful for narrowing down the killer-- it's useful for keeping the suspect pool wider and not leaving herself as one of three (but basically two) options.
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I kinda get why people are upset with Rose here, but it's also kind of an oof because they're only mad because Rose is really smart. Like, no one's out here like "oh my god Ace you didn't recognize the tape??" Y'know, because they think he's stupid. Rose has a really good memory, which raises the standards really high, which sets Rose up for failure.
In Rose's defense, she also never saw the tape in Nico's gym murder OR on the carousel for Arei's murder. She only saw the pieces in the trash can, which seemed to be inside out. Against Rose's defense, it would probably have been for the best if she'd gone in to look at the crime scene.
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Am I tripping, or is "fish misunderstanding" a weird way for David to phrase this? The misunderstanding with Teruko was assuming that the murder happened last night, which was in fact because of the fish-- but the thing Teruko should have noticed, which makes it Teruko's mistake specifically, was the body swinging.
I'm probably reading into things too hard, but it's so hard with David. What do you know!!!
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Damn, Teruko is SPEEDRUNNING this character arc. Considering we basically know she's locked in for all 6 chapters, I'm really surprised to see her making this much progress this fast.
I'm guessing that this means that Teruko is probably due for a major setback sometime sooner or later. But, interestingly, this makes me feel like Teruko realizing that working alone doesn't work isn't her character arc's end destination; it's the willingness to open herself up to caring about others even in the face of the consequences of losing someone you love. Teruko is closing herself off from everyone because she knows she's going to lose them. Maybe her end destination is allowing herself to love people, even if she might lose them someday.
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This was fruity as hell btw. I'm starting to think Rose may be our replacement support if Charles does die in Chapter 3.
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It's so funny that this is basically Teruko claiming in-universe protag privilege. Go off, queen.
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I also said something along the lines of "Hu are we really doing this again." Totally forgot that the BDA is still relevant, lol.
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I personally find the way Veronika phrased this to be very telling from an author's POV. Veronika doesn't say "she must not have committed the murder," she says "she must not have witnessed the murder." It would be totally reasonable for any of the students to forget that the rule is written in a way where a killer could fail to see the moment of murder, but DRDTdev wanted to draw attention to the rule's exact phrasing again, which is a deviation from the phrasing in the canon games.
To be clear here, I stand by this even if Eden isn't the killer and the BDA group really is Eden/Whit/Teruko. I still think it could be a reminder for a future chapter when it comes up. But, I don't think it makes sense to change the phrasing of a base rule unless there's a specific reason you want it to be different. Whether now or later, this feels like a reminder that it IS possible for the blackened to trigger the BDA.
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I don't necessarily "believe David," per se, but I do think it's interesting that we're drawing attention to this. I don't really think it matters, especially because I doubt the characters remember, but I'd place my bets on Eden being the last one because of that, "Teruko, wait!" thing.
It doesn't matter because, if David or anyone else saw the body, no one can confirm which two of Teruko, Whit and Eden set off the BDA, but it's an interesting note.
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It's so funny how no one, fanbase or in-universe, can tell if David is lying though. Like, he COULD have seen it, but he also easily could just be making shit up to try to throw the Trial again.
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will I EVER understand what the fuck this man is cooking
Why. I thought you wanted to end the killing game to finish what Xander started. I don't know what's happening :( /pos
My guess for now is just that he's still trying to kill Teruko, in keeping with Xander's plans?? Idk how making her more distrustful makes her more likely to die, though.
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I do find it very interesting that Eden's approach/reaction has been to be very quiet and freaked out whereas Ace's approach/reaction is to freak out VERY loudly. Ace's is fitting because what does he do other than freak out loudly, but I might have expected Eden to do... idk, something else? It makes enough sense though, considering either the group is right to suspect her, or she's still coping with losing Arei a little bit ago.
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...*squints REALLY fucking hard*
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The music and voice acting in this section is REALLY fucking good. It's sad/charming/soft enough that it feels like it could be genuine, but there's still a little something that makes you have to question whether or not it's real. You WANT to believe Eden, but it's so hard to do so fully.
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Y'all think Eden's crying is reminding Teruko of whatever Arei's crying reminded her of?
i'm out of images :(
I really like Teruko assuming that Eden is innocent first. She's too distrusting and also reasonable (it is life or death after all) to just hard clear Eden based on nothing, but she's offering a bit of a reprieve to Eden. Eden's friendship means that she isn't going to get immediately targeted in her most down moment, and that's it. It's a small way to show Eden she does care.
On another note, the fact that Eden got to hug Teruko and that Teruko said the "let go of me" NOW is honestly one of the main reasons I trust Eden more. I felt like that was obviously going to happen, but I was expecting the post-Trial. Putting it here is wild.
Theory Update/Analysis
Oh boy, it's accusing time! It makes sense that we're going to start with Ace. At this point, I can honestly see it going either way. Major props to DRDTdev either way, but ESPECIALLY if Eden really is the culprit. I was so confident in it, but they're really making me question my assumptions.
I think that both Ace and Eden have good reasons to be the blackened or not to be, and good reasons to die here or to not. I'm going to do my best to make a list of reasons for both characters and give a bit of my thoughts on them. They're roughly ranked in most to least important order imo, but I didn't think too hard about it.
EDEN
Reasons Eden Would Be The Blackened:
THE TAPE: It would be easier for her to take the tape than Ace, as attention was on Ace in the gym. The tape's disappearance from the background also happens to coincide with Ace knocking her over and her standing back up.
THE NOTE: Eden already knows all the info she would need to know to write that note. She could have put the note back together to give herself a defense, to try to disprove herself as the culprit with her handwriting, because Rose was going to do it anyways, and/or to frame Arturo if she didn't know he had an alibi. I think any of these reasons, or a combination of these reasons, are enough to make it possible, and while Ace could've overheard, it's definitely less easy for him.
NOT BELIEVING AREI: Both Arei and Charles have, in this trial, been shown to question whether or not Eden believed Arei wanted to be Eden's friend. If Eden simply did, this plot point goes nowhere.
A GOOD PERSON: Eden has been called a good person, but other than that freaky CG, nothing has really come of it. Is the plot relevance of Eden being a good person really going to resolve by saying "Eden is a good person, she'd never kill her friend!"? If a good person isn't gold, Eden still feels like a missing piece of that puzzle.
INCENTIVE TO FRAME NICO: This one's a bit more of a reach, but I don't really understand the point of framing Nico if you're Ace. Of course Ace is going to insist Nico is the murderer no matter what. If you're Eden, you have a direct audience to setting it up similarly: Ace. If you can get Ace to go all in on Nico, that's one less person who was in the Gym who suspects you. Eden and Teruko feel less likely to say "oh well it looks like Nico's murder so it MUST be Nico."
HEAVY FOCUS IN CH 2: DRDTdev seems to give the chapter death's important content shortly before their deaths. Eden has been one of the most prominent characters this chapter, which could be a bad sign.
Reasons Eden Wouldn't Be the Blackened
HER EMOTIONAL REACTIONS: I think I stand with everyone else when I say that the thing giving me pause with Eden!Culprit is how devastated she truly seems to be. I do still think it could be a combo of guilt and panic over the prospect of dying, but it's hard to justify everything.
HER FRIENDSHIP WITH AREI: Sort of a spinoff of the last one, but Arei was at least offering to Eden to be friends and to protect her. If Eden did believe that, to any extent at all, it's hard to imagine her killing Arei in cold blood.
THE FISH: The biggest question when it comes to evidence as to how Eden could be the killer. If Nico fed the fish and they were all still there last night, and Eden had an alibi until after the Relax Room closed, how would she have gotten the fish to add to the crime scene?
THE BDA: Easy to ignore imo considering we've already called it into question within the series proper, but still worth talking about. For Eden to be the culprit, either someone else saw the body first and isn't claiming to have (or it's David), or we're burning the "Eden didn't witness the crime and thus could still trigger the BDA" card here.
GENDER BALANCE: Possibly an irrelevant point, but it is true that we've had 2 women and 1 man die so far. If a man was the killer, it'd keep it even. Unlikely to be relevant as any disparity could be easily balanced out in Chapter 3 with (presumably) 3 death slots.
Points About Eden That Could Go Either Way
THE FORK CG: I firmly believe that this could be setting up for Eden being a more important character throughout the series or to die after a moment of intrigue, possibly letting us explore/imply more in her post-death bonus episode.
RELATIONSHIP WITH HU: Hu has lost David as a sane ally. Nico is telling her that they don't want her speaking for them and that they don't trust her. Would DRDTdev prefer to fully isolate Hu moving into Chapter 3 by getting rid of Eden, or to leave Hu with one friend who still believes in her.
CHARLES HAVING EDEN'S SECRET: By telling us Eden's secret ahead of time by Charles revealing it to Teruko, extra focus was given to Eden's secret. Was this just the easiest way to get everyone's secrets revealed based on character dynamics, or was it meant to imply that Eden's secret is extra important? Is that because she's the killer? Is it a #ArEden sweep???
ACE
(why are they both orange)
Reasons Ace Would Be The Blackened:
NO EVIDENCE-BASED ISSUES: This is the biggest and strongest point across the whole board imo. There is no tangible, evidence-based reason why Ace COULDN'T have done the crime. Out of all 13 currently surviving students, he's the only one who that's true for. That obviously makes him a viable suspect.
WOULD ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DO IT: Ace has been Freaking The Fuck Out this chapter. I could VERY easily see him deciding to kill here. I don't think anyone is trying to argue that Ace is too emotionally attached to the cast to try to kill all of them, because he clearly isn't.
WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?: I'm not really sure where Ace's character is going to go from here. I'd be interested in seeing more from him, but, like, where is his character arching to if not a killer? Ace is so disliked and intense that it's hard to imagine him really, fully pivoting and caring about others, but if he can't do that, is he destined to be a killer eventually?
HEAVY FOCUS IN CH 2: DRDTdev seems to give the chapter's death important content shortly before their deaths. Ace has been one of the most prominent characters this chapter, which could be a bad sign.
Reasons Ace Wouldn't Be the Blackened
OBVIOUSNESS & POINT OF CHARACTER: Of course Ace would be willing to kill Arei or whoever and the rest of the students. This is kind of the inverse of my "would absolutely fucking do it" point-- I don't know exactly how much surprise it would carry if Ace were to be the culprit. And, more than that, I feel like the point of Ace is that he is a victim here, but he's so unlikable that no one wants to acknowledge that or believe in him. I think it'd be an interesting comparison, if everyone really wants Ace to be the killer, but he just isn't. To everyone's dismay, Ace is still here. Now what?
SECRET LARGELY UNRESOLVED: Ace's secret hasn't really had any plot relevance yet. It seems like most people's do. I'm like lowkey expecting them to bring back the starvation motive from SDR2 in Chapter 4 and have SOMETHING happen with Ace there. Either way, while it could be reserved for his bonus episode (a la Min and Xander), I'd expect that his secret would have more main-story impact before he dies.
EXISTENCE OF SCRUM DEBATE: We're suspecting Ace first, but we still haven't done the scrum debate for this trial. Unless the scrum debate is "do we just vote for Ace without ever really pursuing Eden" and the answer is "yes," I don't see how we get out of this suspecting Ace period with a scrum debate without at least entertaining the idea of Ace's innocence.
STRONG CONNECTIONS TO OTHER CAST MEMBERS: Ace is very relevant to the Levi, Nico and Hu plotlines right now. Are they really going to just... get rid of him, when that's what both Nico and Hu would want?
ABILITY TO FIGURE OUT THE CONTRAPTION: Ace would not only have to recognize the way in which Nico was trying to kill him (which, to be fair is easier if he did wake up partway through), he would also have to conceptualize and figure out how to make the playground contraption successfully. I think Eden's clockmaking skills and... generally higher intelligence imo would be better suited to that.
COWARDICE: Ace is so fucking scared of everything. Would he want to put himself into harm's way by becoming the killer and having a do or die moment in the Trial? But, is he more scared of dying as a victim in the killing game, after seeing how close Nico came to killing him?
Points About Ace That Could Go Either Way
TAYLOR LORE DROP: Ace's friend, named Taylor per a Q&A with the dev, got vagued about in this Trial. Is that something to be pursued in a later Ace free time (following the one with Levi), or is that something that's going to be explained further in Ace's bonus episode (which could VERY easily be about friendship, considering it's Mai fucking Akasaki as the other person in the convo).
ACE'S BREAKDOWN @ LEVI: When Ace said he didn't fall for Levi caring about him at all, was that him affirming himself that it was the correct decision to try to kill, even if it'd put Levi's life at stake, who he previously kinda liked? Or was he lying to himself, and, at least previously, he wouldn't have wanted to kill Levi, no matter how harsh he seemed on the surface?
Well, that's all I got! Please let me know if you can come up with any more points for any of the 6 categories, because I'm very very curious to hear them! I'm thinking I might try to do an expansion on this in a separate post before next episode if I have time, exploring the ins and outs of each point with more textual evidence to back it up. I'd love to discuss any reader-suggested points too, if y'all have some in mind!
For now, I'm still personally leaning towards Eden as the culprit over Ace, but I wouldn't be surprised to see it be either of them. Well, other than the fact that my reaction to the killer being revealed is going to be :O no matter what.
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gleamingtempest · 3 days
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Who do you think is the culprit?
Ace or a third party.
Eden is completely clear IMO, not only because I don't believe there would be a fully illustrated sequence of CGs just for a scene where Teruko chooses to trust Eden only for it to end up not mattering, but also because she couldn't collect the fish & I do not believe anyone is Eden's accomplice.
In regards to a third party:
If the glove was used, there was a reason it wasn't put back. One of those reasons could be that the glove was destroyed beyond repair. Ace & Eden wear gloves. Why wouldn't they just use a spare pair of their own gloves?
That being said, the only people who could've collected the fish and committed the murder which aren't Ace, are Rose & Levi - who, IMO, both have obvious reasons it isn't or couldn't be them.
Levi could not wear that glove. A workaround for Levi could be that he modified the glove using the dress up room but I don't know the logistics of that. There is a sewing needle in the trash can so IDK - maybe?
Rose is less tangible; I just don't believe it's makes sense to give her that scene with Teruko only for her to be the killer.
The tape is also an issue, because how could anyone other than those two even access the tape? If Eden took it and isn't the murderer, she would tell. If Ace took it and isn't the murderer, he might keep silent to save his own ass but, he definitely didn't directly give it to anyone at least.
The closest party to the tape immediately after the gym scene would've been Levi, which is another coincidence lining up for him to be the killer. That being said, would Levi kill? That would be "bad" right? Unless he was just lying. Which, wouldn't be out of character either.
Another thought is Hu - since she could still be lying about her alibi. Nico would call her out though unless they had a reason not to. The only reason worth considering why they wouldn't IMO is that they hate Ace so much they're willing to die to kill him but I feel that's kind of extreme. It would be kind of funny though.
Occam's razor dictates Ace. Nothing solid clears him & the fish clear Eden. I also don't know how much longer this trial is going to be so, it's really dependent.
If we're almost done, it's Ace and we'll find out next episode. If we're not, it's a third party. Those are my thoughts.
I hope this was helpful, insightful or engaging. : ) Everyone is free to leave their own thoughts on this as well.
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hollowed-theory-hall · 21 hours
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Hi! Idk if you’ve already spoke about this so sorry if you have but do you think that Harry can still speak parsletongue after he’s no longer a horcrux? And do you have any hcs about if theres any changes before vs after he’s no longer a horcrux?
Hi 👋,
Like, in canon, I don't recall it ever being mentioned in the books. But JKR did state in an interview he lost the ability to speak Parseltongue:
Nigel: Can harry speak parseltongue when he is no longer a horcrux? J.K. Rowling: No, he loses the ability, and is very glad to do so.
(Source)
The books don't really mention it, but they intend you to understand it as Harry not being able to speak Parseltongue anymore.
Personally, I like to headcanon he still can. Since it isn't book canon, but stated in an interview, it's pretty loose in canonicity.
Like, my headcanon regarding Harry's Parseltongue is that he wouldn't have been able to speak it if he didn't have a latent gene for it. Like, if a random wizard that had no recent enough Gaunts in their family tree to have the potential to be Parselmouths, became Voldemort’s Horcrux they wouldn't be Parselmouths. Like, I headcanon Lily's maternal grandma was a squib from the Gaunt family, and that's why Harry had a dormant Parseltongue gene that was just activated by becoming a Horcrux. So, he'd keep the ability after the Horcrux is no longer there since it just triggered a gene that was already there. I already talked about how most muggleborns are likely descendants of more recent squibs, so it's not only possible Lily has relatively recent magical ancestry, but likely (also, she has Slytherin green eyes, and was the one to really kill the Heir of Slytherin the first time, let her be a Gaunt).
I think Harry would feel weird after the Horcrux is no longer there. Lighter than he ever felt before. He'd think it's because the war is over and there aren't dark lords or Durlseys to mess with his life, but it isn't. His life likely is still quite stressful while rebuilding the wizarding world, and I think, he'd realize eventually the horcrux left him a little emptier. I think the moment he buries Voldemort and his wand would be the moment he realizes how much he feels the lack of the Horcrux.
I mean, imagine you have a certain amount of soul in you your entire life. Your body, your mind, your spirit, your own soul and magic, the very essence that is you, has recognized another as part of itself, got used to having more soul between your ribs than just your own. and then, in practically a blink of an eye, it's gone. I can't imagine you won't feel it. Like a phantom limb.
I don't think Harry's personality changes much after the Horcrux is removed. Like, I don't think his magic or the alliance of his wand would be affected by that. I think he'd be fine on that front. I think he'd just feel lighter. Emptier. I think his magic would be a bit off balance in the first few months until he got used to the new balance of his body and soul. And he'd just feel off. Like when you leave your house and you have the feeling you forgot something and you just don't know what — that, but constantly, and about your own soul.
I think the entire journey could be really fun in a fic that uses the loss of the Horcrux as a way to explore Harry's trauma from the war now that it's all over. He feels lighter, the weight he carried all his life is gone, but it leaves him empty and purposeless. That's why I think he would go back to 8th year — back home to find his balance.
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It's nothing like realising you don't believe you're ever going to be loved at 00:37 Saturday/Sunday night
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So we know that Wei Wuxian's treatment after his death was horrible. Even if nothing could impact him directly, there was still neverending slander, hatred, misinformation, theft...
But, for a while after he died, the sects did try to impact him directly – namely, frequently trying to resummon his soul. And today I'll explore the possible reasons for this, their likelihoods, and why I'm so, so thankful that Wei Wuxian's soul managed to resist the summons. Because, spoiler alert (or, you know. maybe not)... none of them are good.
(Long meta ahead)
In my opinion, there are four likely motivations for this: confinement, coercion, torment, and potentially destruction.
Out of all of these, confinement is probably the most likely motivation, at least for most sects (Jins and Jiangs excluded, though it was likely what the Jin sect said their motivations were – but I'll get to them later). This one is the most simple – we know spirit-trapping pouches exist, and we know the sects also placed 120 stone beasts on the Burial Mounds to prevent Wei Wuxian's soul from escaping. Therefore, this seems to be the most likely motivation – and fortunately for Wei Wuxian, probably also the best case scenario, though it still certainly isn't a good one.
For the second, coercion – this is where the Jin sect come in (more specifically Jin Guangshan with the help of Jin Guangyao). Due to their wealth and resources, they're likely the sect who played the largest role in the soul-summoning rituals. We know what they're willing to do to try to gain power – keeping Wen Ning under the pretence he was burned to death and trying to control him with the nails, and working with and helping Xue Yang torture people to help him refine his demonic cultivation, in order to have the Yin hufu fixed. Along with working with many other cultivators, alongside Xue Yang – Jin Guangshan really, really wanted that seal.
And so, Jin GuangShan sought after all those who imitated Wei WuXian in cultivating the ghostly path and gathered them under his rule. He spent a great amount of money and resources and these people, ordering them to study and analyze the structure of the Tiger Seal in secrecy so that they could replicate and restore it. - Villainous Friends extra, EXR
(Note that working with these cultivators very likely happened after Wei Wuxian's soul had failed to be summoned, since this happens some time after Wei Wuxian's death, whereas the soul-summoning ceromonies presumably started happening very close to it.)
In the previous paragraph, he's also quoted as having 'lusted after' the Yin hufu, which we already knew but it's nice to have a direct quote as evidence.
Now, would Wei WuXian willingly work with the Jin sect in doing this? No. We know that, and, given Wei Wuxian's actions in his first life (refusing to hand over the Tally, not being afraid to stand up to the sects, etc), I’m pretty sure Jin Guangshan knows that, too:
He beat around the bush a couple of times, using all his skills, yet Wei WuXian didn’t give in no matter what, and it made him run into a bunch of obstacles. - Villainous Friends extra, EXR
So this could actually make things go two ways. One, I'm wrong and that wasn't actually part of the Jin sect's motivations, since they know they wouldn't be able to control him (and in that case, had they managed to summon him, I could imagine them putting him in a spirit-trapping pouch and doing something similar to what Jin Guangyao did to Nie Mingjue's head. Which, also, not good). Two, it was a part of their motivations, and they hoped to find a way around that. After all, there are other guidao users out there now, and Wei Wuxian would now be a gui*. Also, cultivators can obviously harm ghosts – see the very existence of Night Hunts, and I'd include Xue Yang's talisman-caused destruction of A-Qing as well (while he isn't a traditional cultivator, talismans can be used by everyone).
Now, would either of these methods actually work? I'm inclined to think not really (and I expand on the former method in a note below). Would that stop Jin Guangshan/Jin Guangyao/the cultivators they employ from trying? Especially considering Jin Guangshan's lust for power?
I'm inclined to think no, too.
For the third, look no further than Jiang Cheng's reputation of capturing and torturing demonic cultivators after Wei Wuxian's death, due to thinking they could be him. And this does happen – Jin Ling knows and talks about it, and there's not real motivation for him to negatively lie about someone he loves. Also, when they come across each other at Dafan Mountain, we're told this in Jiang Cheng's inner voice:
A moment ago, Jiang Cheng was certain that this person was Wei WuXian, and all of the blood in his body started to boil. Yet, now, Zidian was clearly telling him that he wasn’t. Zidian definitely wouldn’t deceive him or make a mistake, so he quickly calmed himself and thought, this doesn’t mean anything. I should first find an excuse to take him back and use every possible method to get information out of him. It’s impossible for him to not confess anything or give himself away. I’ve done things like this in the past anyways. - MDZS Chapter 10, EXR translation
This mainly shows that he's tortured people before, rather than that he's tortured people because he thinks they're Wei Wuxian, but this reason is confirmed by Jin Ling in Chapter 24. Of course, the reason is also mentioned in this chapter, and there are other moments in the chapter that illustrate my point better**, but they come from second-hand sources which I know are easier to deny. Do take note of Jiang Cheng's expression both times he comes across 'Mo Xuanyu' (after he suspects he's Wei Wuxian) in Book One***, though:
After a moment, the corners of Jiang Cheng’s lips pulled into a twisted smile. His left hand started to unconsciously stroke the ring [Zidian] again. He spoke softly, “… Well, well. So you’re back?” - Chapter 10, EXR Although his face had always been clouded, marked with arrogance and satire, it seemed as if every corner of it had come alive. It was difficult to determine whether it was vengeful wrath, fathomless hatred, or raving ecstasy. - Chapter 23, EXR
This does seem to line up with what people say his attitude to Wei Wuxian is – there doesn't seem to be any happiness at seeing him again at all. The only time a word that could suggest that ('ecstasy') is used, it's accompanied by 'raving', and considering the context and the other possibilities of his expression, it's... probably not due to happiness at being reunited.
So, considering 1) this, 2) his contribution to the Siege specifically intended to kill Wei Wuxian, and 3) that at the time of frequent soul-summoning Jiang Yanli's death would be even closer for him, I feel pretty confident in saying that yes, this is likely a motivation for the Jiang sect in trying to re-summon Wei Wuxian's soul after his death. And, as mentioned earlier, cultivators can harm ghosts (and we know Zidian is able to remove souls posessing a body from that body, and that Jiang Cheng used Zidian on 'Mo Xuanyu' in Chapter 10. If it wasn't able to restrain/harm ghosts, or other methods weren't able to, why would he risk Wei Wuxian's soul escaping?).
And finally, option four: destruction. We're heading into much more speculative territory here, so don't consider this on par with the first three. But consider this:
We know there are some spells, like Xue Yang's talisman used on A-Qing and the body-offering ritual, that can ruin the returning soul’s reincarnation cycle by destroying it. Therefore, soul destruction is possible.
The 'main'/supposed reason for summoning Wei Wuxian's soul back is to stop the "cultivation world, or even all of mortal land" from being "faced with the most insane damnation and revenge, sinking into nothing but chaos and despair" when Wei Wuxian inevitably returns. While, as mentioned above, I severely doubt this is the motivation for certain sects – and to me is likely a rumour which the Jins (again, especially Jin Guangsha) fanned the flames of to justify summoning Wei Wuxian back for their own purposes**** – there are other sects which would take it more seriously.
Although likely disrespectful, people already thought it served Wei Wuxian right to die without his body intact by the time of the second siege – something believed to negatively affect your reincarnation in your next life*****. This is only the logical next step, and I'm pretty sure the vast majority of people would believe that, again, it would serve Wei Wuxian right, or would at least lead to less harm of the world in the long run.
For these reasons, I could definitely see this as an option for some sects, especially the sects who consider themselves more 'righteous' (cough cough the Nies under Nie Mingjue cough cough). After all, evil is evil and good is good, and the evil deserve what's coming to them. And what better way to prevent that than from preventing his soul from returning at all? So for the Nie sect – and likely some of the smaller sects involved in the Siege, since among them, additudes probably vary – yes, I do think it could be a motivation.
I’m not as sure about the Lans being willing to go this far, and that’s largely for two reasons. One, Lan Wangji’s presence and his relationship to Lan Xichen, who does (not always, but he does) let this affect how he treats Wei Wuxian. An example of this is that, when Wei Wuxian's return is made public, Lan Xichen does let him hide and shelter at the Cloud Recesses instead of trying to pursue him, likely majorly due to Lan Wangji. I'd argue that the aftermath of the Nightless City also acts as an example of this, although it definitely isn't perfect. But though he, Lan Qiren and the 33 elders do come to find Lan Wangji and do not let him continue to shelter Wei Wuxian (after they see Lan Wangji's feelings), Lan Xichen doesn't use this opportunity to kill/capture Wei Wuxian, despite Lan Wangji being in a worse condition due to having fought 33 elders, Wei Wuxian being catatonic, and Lan Qiren likely supporting this outcome (especially considering he was the one who led the Lan sect in the Siege – chapter 68, Wei Wuxian's POV). And he did let Lan Wangji take Wei Wuxian back to the Burial Mounds after:
After he went out of his way to send you back to Burial Mound and returned in such low spirits to receive his punishment, how long he kneeled before the Wall of Rules! - Chapter 99, EXR
Again, this was right after the Nightless City massacre – there isn't any goodwill towards Wei Wuxian at this point in time.
Of course, the Lan sect did participate in the siege after Lan Xichen knew of Lan Wangji's feelings towards Wei Wuxian, which Lan Xichen was no doubt a part of (although Lan Qiren lead the Lan sect in the siege, Lan XIchen had to have at least known/given his support, if not participated.) And it should be considered that Lan Xichen letting Wei Wuxian shelter at the Cloud Recesses was after Wei Wuxian had been back for a while, and had not caused the downfall of the Cultivation World, like many suspected he would after his death. And of course, as stated previously, his handling of the aftermath of Nightless City wasn't perfect either (though please note that his main motive here was to protect Lan Wangji from being potentially executed, rather than anything about Wei Wuxian himself). So caring about Lan Wangji doesn't mean he won't harm Wei Wuxian. But I do think he could find bringing Wei Wuxian's soul back to completely destroy it a bit excessive. There is, though, the chance that the elders of the Lan Sect would react to this differently, and of course they would have a sway on both Lan Xichen and the Lan sect as well.
The second reason is smaller, but there seems to be more focus in the Lan sect than in others when it comes to letting ghosts rest peacefully/helping them move on. And that could definitely lead to more resistance to the idea of summoning a soul back to destroy it as well, which could especially impact the elders. So I'd assume that the Lan sect would be the most likely sect to summon Wei Wuxian's soul back just for confinement, or just for some way of making sure any resentment is disippated, his spirit moves on, and he can't cause more harm to the world (eg via Inquiry)******. Not that he would or does as a ghost or as a reborn person, but that's unfortunately not relevant to this.
But yes, as a motivation for the Nie Mingjue-led Nie sect? Absolutely.
So, these are the main motives I suspect to be behind the attempted summoning of Wei Wuxian's soul after his death (and if I've missed any, please let me know – I'd love to have a discussion). And, of course, none of them lead to anywhere good. Because of course it wasn’t enough to besiege Wei Wuxian, murder the 50 non-combatants he was responsible for (and throwing them into the blood pit as a mark of disrespect because why not?), and lead to his death via him getting torn apart. It wasn’t enough to steal all his inventions, and use them commonly while still slandering him with no reprieve – or to steal his notes and give them to people like Xue Yang to study (Villainous Friends, again) and to use for their own, extremely extremely harmful, purposes. Of course, the cultivation world has to try to harm Wei Wuxian after death as well ((:
We don't know whether Wei Wuxian rejecting the summoning ceremonies was conscious or unconscious, but if it was the former, these are very likely reasons he refused to return in this way. If it was unconscious – for example, maybe during the frequent soul-summons his soul was in a weakened state due to him dying from a backlash of resentful energy and getting torn apart, and it healed over time but not before the soul-summoning rituals stopped – well, I can only be thankful.
Finally, let me leave you on the thought that – although it may well have happened since we don't spend much time in the immediate aftermath of the Sunshot campaign – there isn't even any textual mention of this happening to Wen Ruohan. Who, while not being a guidao user, was still very dangerous, still an extremely powerful cultivator, and still had a lot of reason to feel resentment. So.
:')
Thank you for reading!
--
*Considering what we see of how Wei Wuxian's guidao functions – redirecting the ghosts'/corpses' resentment into doing something they'd want to do, eg attacking people, and directing it towards a target – I'm not sure using it to force a spirit to do something 1) extremely specific, and 2) explicitly against their will would actually work. Iirc the closest thing we get to this in text is Wei Wuxian using the corpses of Wens to attack other Wens in the Sunshot Campaign, but he's still just directing their resentment to a target of his choice, and fierce corpses do tend to be on the less concious side of things (hence why Wei Wuxian had to awaken Wen Ning's consciousness). Considering how Wen Ning attacks Wei Wuxian and the Burial Mound Wens before his consciousness had fully awoken, I... really don't think those fierce corpses were able to differentiate (or didn't care).
Meanwhile, ghosts seem to be a bit more in control of themselves – see A-Qing, and Wei Wuxian's own descriptions of his ghost self.
That, alongside ghost!Wei Wuxian being able to resist his soul-summoning and the fact that pretty much all of the new guidao users are a lot weaker than he was, does make me think that this this wouldn't work. I do wonder about Xue Yang, since his methods are pretty different as well, but he's more of a modao user than a guidao user (he controls living corpses rather than dead people) and I don't think you can insert physical nails into ghosts?? Though if he was specifically instructed to figure out some way to control ghost!Wei Wuxian (who's probably kept in a spirit-trapping pouch in this scenario), he might be able to do something at least. Though also he was also struggling to piece Xiao Xingchen's ghost soul back together, so he may struggle with those areas?
Well, whatever the potential outcome, I'm so so happy once again that Wei Wuxian's soul managed to resist the soul-summonings...
**Mainly this:
Everyone in the cultivation world knew that the young leader of the Jiang Clan watched out for Wei WuXian in an almost crazed manner. He would rather catch the wrong person than let go of any possibility, and took anyone who seemed like they held the soul of Wei WuXian away to the YunmengJiang Sect, inflicting severe torture on his victim. If he wanted to take someone back, the opposition would surely lose half of their life. - Chapter 10, EXR
But I have heard people say 'you can't prove that it's just more rumours' before, and I wanted my evidence to be as watertight as possible.
(And, off-topic... isn't it really sad how Jiang Cheng, in the present day, is described as young? Because, for a clan leader, he is. And another thing he is, is close in age to Wei Wuxian – who was killed 13 whole years prior :') )
***And do note that the only other time they run into each other before Wei Wuxian's identity is revealed to the world apart from this is their brief interaction at Jinlintai, where he can't just act however he wants. The next time they run into each other after it, Jiang Cheng is literally taking part in another siege against him, and still extremely hostile ("surrounded by hostile energy, face insidious, staring straight at him" – from EXR chapter 60). Then he loses his spiritual powers and can't do anything. By the time he regains his powers, Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji and the Wen remnants' corpses have saved everyone during the Second Siege, and though public opinion hasn't properly shifted quite yet, it will soon after Sisi and Bicao tell the story of Jin Guangyao, and voila, a new scapegoat (do note that he doesn't completely bar Wei Wuxian from entering Lotus Pier after the Second Siege, though). Plus, throughout it all, Lan Wangji is still constantly present, which makes it hard for Jiang Cheng to really do anything. And then he's finally faced with the Golden Core reveal, which does alter his motivations towards Wei Wuxian (obviously the resentment is still there – read chapter 102 – but it's also mixed with other complex emotions, and he seems to start being able to move away from that a little in Chapter 103). I still definitely wouldn't describe Jiang Cheng's attitude towards him as positive, but it isn't at the point it was at the start of the novel (eg Chapter 10).
But even if his attitude does change, or would for whatever other reason apart from the reveal, that still doesn't change an initial motivation so isn't relevant to this meta. We know his intentions at the start.
****It's also possible they may have originated it, but I think WWX's reputation was bad enough for it to form naturally. Though you can trace a major part of that back to them, too.
*****That belief isn't outright stated in MDZS, but the fact people are specifically talking about the status of WWX's body in the aftermath of his death suggests that this belief does have some grounding in the MDZS universe, at least? And we know MXTX has included it in TGCF (though that doesn't mean it's definitely in MDZS), so she has used it in her works. If this isn't the case in the MDZS universe I am sorry (although that could also mean there's less importance placed on not disturbing the reincarnation cycle in the world of MDZS...? Which would work towards my original argument) – I don't want to spread misinformation that something is definitely true, I just think there's evidence to suggest it is true, which isn't the same thing.
******Again, I think this would depend on who ends up having more influence over who in the Lan sect. After all, normal resentful spirits only do what they do because of their resentment in death, whereas Wei Wuxian is 'dangerous' because of who everyone thinks he was in life – so him being reborn naturally could also 'cause a lot of harm to the world' during the time period this version of him would live in, unlike the resentful ghosts they appease. This could definitely lead to many advocating for confinement, I think.
#writing this takes me back to my nie huaisang one#'detective metas' i'd call both of them#as opposed to analysis of characters or themes#it may be less 'meaningful' but it's still fun to explore and speculate within a world you love#...albeit maybe not for this one because. mdzs jianghu when i get my hands on you-#also i fully acknowledge i may be wrong#but again i'd love to have discussions about these! debates and knowledge exchange are what leads to better understanding of source materia#which is a major goal of mine in writing these#mdzs meta#my meta#wei wuxian#mdzs cultivation world#long post#mo dao zu shi#gdc#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#魔道祖师#mxtx#detective meta#<– if i ever make this a tag#also i feel like you could write a fic (angsty or not so angsty depending on where you go with it) where the lan sect somehow-#-summons ghost!wwx back (not sure how bc the jin and jiang sects would probably want 'custody' of him more - and i don't think summoning-#-rituals are done by just one sect at a time? but imagine it happens) and idk he's kept in a spirit-trapping pouch or sth#lwj probably isn't told bc of what happened after nightless city - elders can't really trust him in matters to do with wwx#but maybe lxc feels bad for him or sth (especially bc he's mourning him and stuff + what happened after he found out wwx was dead)#and tells him and maybe brings wwx's soul to him for a bit so wwx can respond to inquiry#and they talk and obv. wwx is NOT happy with the situation (both rn and yk bc of the VERY RECENT SIEGE)#but but but! the thing that would stop this being completely depressing is that LWJ HAS A-YUAN SO WWX FINDS OUT HE SURVIVED#also lwj's injuries would likely come up at SOME point which would lead to wwx finding out abt nightless city afermath#AA NOO THE TAGS WENT ON FOR SO MUCH LONGER BUT I GUESS TUMBLR DOESN'T ALLOW SO MANY i'll have to make another post...
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syxnewt · 5 months
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okay this is my valorant oc her name is accord and she is a menace to society :3
i tried something new with the shading here so i hope it looks good
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ruvviks · 3 months
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made the realization my vampire story would work best as a video game and now i can't stop thinking about it
#personal#like. vtm meets cyberponk. do you understand#it would be very focused on prioritizing... because you do play as a fully established character#but you get a bunch of jobs to take care of and you have to decide what you do first and most importantly how you solve it#you can combine certain jobs to do at once to save yourself time and effort but everything you do comes with consequences#if you ignore a problem for too long or deal with it poorly it will come back to bite you in the ass later. you can lose friends and such#basically you have it all from the start and then gradually like. work your way towards a single ending#locking yourself out of other paths because of the choices that you make etc etc and so on#friendships can help you out but they can also get in the way of other things so you have to think about like#how far you're willing to let yourself get distracted. but also no distractions is also a bad way to go at it because you'll end up alone#it would have a wide variety of endings but i suppose the 'canon' one would be the one where everything works out#because of the whole already established character thing. and also this is not real this is my story so i can do what i want#if it was an actual video game it wouldn't have a canon ending but it's never gonna happen so i can say it has a canon ending#but yeah you can play as heavenly the vampire hunter or as sun the vampire and then you get cool vampire abilities :]#i do like the idea of romance availability but they're different depending on who you play as#valentine can be romanced by both but he's a little brat so idk if you'd want that#isaac can only be romanced by heavenly because isaac is a gay man. valeska can be romanced by sun only because#valeska and heavenly are exes. so you can have a one night stand with her as heavenly and then she ghosts you LMAO#you can go into clubs... you can play carousel with npcs. it would be a very immersive experience#if you hang out at certain clubs too much then other vampire factions will be warier of you when you visit their club instead#you can forge alliances to be allowed into certain areas in town. you can disguise yourself. you have to hide your weapons#there's actual ways you can research locations or people involved in gigs so you can prepare yourself properly and potentially like#learn new things that open up a new way to deal with a situation#sometimes you have to wait until nighttime to be able to go somewhere because it's quieter around those hours. or vice versa#sometimes you have to wait a few days before someone can meet with you but if you miss the meeting you have to reschedule#and then you have to wait even longer. and some quests don't give you that much time so then you'd have to improvise#being spotted in a location can be dealt with by wiping security footage / killing the person who saw you. or just reloading your save#but if you've been spotted and you don't take care of it then that will ALSO have consequences. etc etc and so on#difficulty level in the game would determine how generous the game is surrounding stealth / time for quests / resilience of the guy you pla#and it wouldn't like. necessarily turn enemies into bullet sponges because that's lazy. it's much more fun to change other things
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discoreptile · 2 months
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Beasties of Greenhollow soundtrack! Some tracks on this are from older projects like elphame but all of them have been reworked in some way. Most of them are entirely new. Enjoy!
#soundtrack#music#indiegamedev#Youtube#beasties of greenhollow#indiegame#chiptune#elphame#hey again gang. Another scream into the void#Things have been getting more interesting tbh#I'm starting therapy again. I have learned from this that my anxiety is in the very very high end.#And I guess the only thing that surprises me about that is that it's an abnormally high amount vs the average.#I've had more intrusive thoughts this week than in a long time. (I almost said ever but that was 2021 where they woke me up...)#It's mostly about my mistakes and ppl I've scared out of being in my life because of the actions based on my anxieties.#Like “if i could go back in time I could fix it”... girl you'd be going back in time like 100 times. At that point it's not fair lmao#I think I shouldn't talk about who I'm dating here anymore. Friends told me to stop seeing so many new people and I took that advice.#I'm exercising incredibly frequently; obsessively so. It really doesn't change much in my anxiety. I walk for like 3 hours a day.#My friend group is... difficult. One of us had a falling out with another and the dynamic is just so awkward for me now.#it just seems like everyone else has moved past it though but I still miss him. I don't think this can be reversed#we used to talk on my stream and play digimon cards n jackbox and d&d... But now they're only interested in d&d which I don't love#For god's sake I've published a game and moved to a nice new place. why aren't I happy hahahaha#work is no longer enjoyable since BoG was publised. our new project is in an iffy category but it's not my place to argue#I want to write music and animate but I have to do my hours for this new project before I can do anything like that...#I ended up siding with my current boss in that ethical dilemma I posted about and rn idk if that was the right decision.#Okay what can i talk about that's good? We moved to a nice place. I'm celebrating BoG's release with family tomorrow.#Graeme's playing Iconoclasts- one of my favourite games! He's also returning to work soon so it'll be less awkward to have a lady over#Thinking about good stuff going on just draws the mind to holidays I've had before. I treasure my memories!#Okay so I've complained for a long long time bc life doesn't feel great rn. But rest assured I already know this is 90% my fault hahaha#Oh another good thing that happened!!! My elestrals card was printed and ppl are really happy with it. I have a card in a real card game!!!#don't tell anyone but there's another one on the way. Anyway that will do for now. I'm sorry about my... self.
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emotionalandroid · 2 months
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Ugh, should I go back to haphazardly writing and posting that cliché Jian Yi mobster fic again? Have another go at not caring about posting really badly written fic? I was trying to do some sort of exposure therapy on myself with it, to make me care less about results and just sort of frolic in the mudhole of it all...
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piplupod · 2 months
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are you the most annoying person in the world or do you just need to eat something: a memoir by me
#i feel like absolute shit rn fsdjkl#i think i talked too much today even though i barely spoke at all#but every time i talked someone else had smth to say and then the leader guy had to keep coming back to me like ''what were u saying?''#which was rly nice of him but like. if i just kept my mouth shut then he wouldnt have had to do that at all fdjskl#i mean like. he did ask me questions directly a few times. so he was trying to help me have opportunities to speak#but fsjkl i just. i feel bad for talking bc i know everyone else wants to talk constantly#and i can do without speaking fsdjkl i just... i kept stumbling over my words so badly and it was rly embarrassing ;-;#but i'd get nervous and panicked bc i knew i'd be interrupted at any second so i was just trying to find the shortest way to say my thing#but then i'd trip over my words bc i was so nervous and it'd take too long#and i just felt like i wasn't putting enough effort into my tone so i probably sounded rly flat today and i just. urgghhh#holding my head and tugging at my hair. why can't i just be normal dgjkl why am i so fucking annoying and weird and difficult#i dont know 😭 today was rly difficult bc i was just feeling kind of awful and like i was in the way all day#i did find some yarn colours i need at a flea market though and also some dip pens that i've always wanted to try#i figure $3 is a steal of a deal to try out dip pens instead of buying them brand new for like $30 fdsjkl#so there was something good from today! i just feel like i was annoying to be around all day idk fdsjkl#i honestly probably was totally fine sdfjkl i just. argh#and i hate going to stores w the centre bc i end up following the group leader around after a while bc i dont ever buy anything#i look around at the stuff i like to look at and then i am done and don't want to be a nuisance by being hard to find when everyone-#-else is done so i just figure sticking by the group leader is the best idea. stores dont like when i hang around the front for long fdsjkl#but then i just feel like a weird little kid trailing after their parent 😭 i wish i could just be an AdultTM but augh augh augh#what a fucking weird thing for me to do dsfjkl i just. dont know what else to do bc stores get annoyed w me if i wait at the front#and i dont want to wait outside bc then they'll forget im out there and look for me inside when theyre done LMAO#if i had income then maybe i'd be able to spend longer looking at things but fdsjkl theres only so much looking u can do when u dont buy#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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sunnikko · 2 months
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Saying Goodbye to My Mask event on project sekai may have been a premonition of having my own mental health tank to the same level as Mafuyu's because well. Let's just say. The depression. (⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)
#miko talking#well. even though i try to get help it feels like my parents sabotage me more#the only comfort is realizing my feelings and wondering about it#frankly i dont like acknowledging them bc then i feel like im not playing up to the role everyone expects of me but#i want to express it in my stuff but I've been losing my will to keep drawing and writing and i guess#this is what depression is like. i just never expected to find myself actually going through it#i thought i left that era of havingthe worst time of my life but i feel like these past few years#are definitely my most worst#i think thats one thing games like pjsk has me realizing#and why i find comfort in n25#because to me they feel like pieces of me that have been written down#idk why im ranting lol??? i just want to be honest with how i feel but i end up going back to trying to be a people pleaser#ewwwww. i hate this. in truth i dont like people all that much. neither do i like making new friends#it's crazy because I'm always saying sure! when someone asks even though i know I'm not going to feel anything from it#sorry..... but I don't care enough anymore.... maybe one day i will#but right now not really..... at least at the moment.#these friendships with followers are in truth just parasociality and i dont want it after what happened the first time#especially with how two-faced/double standards people are like#people are the worst ^^ i wish the world was a kinder place for everyone but i dont know how much longer i can keep up with this#if only people minded their own business. im not someone to be babied by people who think they know better.#what a pain (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)
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palms-upturned · 3 months
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Sorry for being late today coming online, a lot has happened and I am trying to think about the best way to organize this blog going forward. For now though I will try to get the list updated quickly and read through my messages/@'s
#meg talks#mainly thinking about how best to spotlight people's fundraisers because so many are gaining and losing traction periodically#and some of my posts seem to get more reach than others#mostly what troubles me is i think that the more campaigns i boost the less effective it is for each campaign#i think that the small batches of donation matching campaigns that i organized with other people was the most effective thing so far#bc it guaranteed at least one donation to each campaign#i think i'm going to try to make other small batch posts too each day#like ''here are some campaigns that are close to their goal/low on funds/almost to the halfway mark or some other milestone/etc''#but idk. i just feel troubled and i think some people who have reached out to me think i have more reach than i actually do#i have less than 3k followers and a lot of them are inactive blogs from over the past ten years#ofc that still isn't nothing and im going to keep doing what im doing but im afraid people might be reaching out to me#thinking that i'll be able to give their campaigns more visibility than i actually can#im grateful that my master list has gotten some traction but the longer it gets the tougher it is to single ppl out#i don't know. if people have suggestions please let me know#for now i would really really appreciate volunteers to help w the donation matching campaigns#if i can have ppl committing to donating like 5 bucks to a handful of campaigns once or twice a month#then at least that's something that IS guaranteed u know... though i feel ashamed that i quit my job#and can't guarantee much myself until i find a new one#idk im just troubled and i'm not going to stop boosting campaigns but i hate the thought of getting ppl's hopes up and not delivering
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inniave · 4 months
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after surgery i'm buying myself pentiment goddamnit
#reasons to live#also new doctor who episodes#i've been wanting to play for soooo long but haven't really had the money to spend#so i'm using this as an excuse#trying to focus on all the fun/good/cool things that i can do after#seeing hozier later in the summer#watching the wild flowers come up in the backyard#this is hell but i will get through it and there WILL be an other side i will make sure of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#there's a chance we can get it done tomorrow if the doctor thinks it won't be super complicated#i hope we can cause the longer this goes the more we suffer#i just want it to be over#once i'm all healed i am going to smoke a cigarette and savor every fucking puff i haven't been able to smoke for over a k month now :/#another thing to look forward too#and i think i have a vinyl preordered???? am can never remember what other parts have bought#oh and i'm going to binge rewatch the hunger games (all of them) after surgery#been meaning to do that & im using this as an excuse to do nothing but watch movies all day#got some audiobooks downloaded that hopefully they'll let me listen to during (unless it's going to be loud (??) then i have music)#i'm taking my puppy stuffie husband got me when we had to live apart for a summer before we got married#puppy is so special to me#he goes everywhere with me#i love him so much#i would just hold him and cry and cry and cry when husband had to leave :((((#i am so scared#there's so many young parts too who are just i mean they are the ones holding a lot of this shit like i cant imagine what it's like for the#the little bit that leaks through to me is horrific and makes me want to fucking vomit#i'm worried for them#they're splitting bad :((( and i don't have any way to help#we're doing our tapping and tre and everything but idk how much that helps on the inside#idk man#it's all so much
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byanyan · 1 year
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being friends with byan is so weird bc they say they want you to have the balls to be bluntly honest with them, but then the very moment you're honest about something they don't like, they're peacing out, all "lmao ok friendship ended byeeeee"
#honesty is great until you're addressing their insecurities or anything they're currently in denial over#they have a... weird relationship with honesty lmao#they'll be harshly honest about almost anything and not pull a single damn punch#they will tell you easily that their biological mother didn't want them and that they've lived on the street#they'll tell you that they haven't had a foster home last more than 10 months & that one of their foster parents almost killed them#but they won't tell you about the misery these events caused & how its shaped them as a person#and then there's the way they can dish it but can't take it#they'll tell you to your face everything that's wrong with you (in their opinion)#but the moment you do the same back.... lmao fuck you what the hell kinda bullshit#they're so SO sensitive. so much more so than they let on. and they don't tolerate being called on their shit well.#but I think part of that is bc they spent a lot of their life being belittled rather than built up#and they ended up feeling like every time they were abandoned it was bc of their flaws#so if ur pointing them out........ it's only a matter of time before ur leaving too. so they better leave first.#but also they just hate being Seen. they hate when someone can see behind their facade.#if someone else can see ur pain that means it's really there or something :)#idk I have way more thoughts about this than I realized when I started typing and now the tags are gonna be longer than the post oops#might....... have to make a note to get into all this in a more in depth headcanon at some point#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ OOC ⋮ DON’T @ ME.
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maddy-ferguson · 9 months
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my brother called me for christmas and i didn't recognize him because he has a deep voice now very much felt like killing myself when he said "this is [his name and my little sister's name] btw" at the end of the voicemail
#i was like is this a wrong number is this a prank because it's not particularly funny it's most likely a wrong number because i literally#don't know any random man who would be calling me for christmas#this is crazy#he's 12 and a half. 12 and 3/4 actually. so ig that tracks (yeah) but like#crazy#i haven't seen him or my little sister or my stepmother who isn't my stepmother anymore in 4 years because i HATED going to my dad's it was#the bane of my existence from 2009 to 2019 and i loved my brother and my little sister i loved seeing them but i don't regret the fact that#i stopped going even if it means i no longer have a relationship with them and only talk on our birthdays or i guess on christmas#like it does make me sad and when i considered not going anymore before i actually stopped i always thought about them and about how much i#loved them and i do miss them and hate the fact that idk we were only close for the first 8 years of my brother's life and 6 years of my#little sister's life but at the end of the day...it's like with my dad not having that substantial of a relationship with him (i see him a#few times a year for like a couple hours tops and like we talk but we don't TALK but we're not on bad terms we talk more now than we did#when i went to his house semi-regularly for the weekend) makes me sad but i can just. not think about it. and then i'm not sad lmao. like#yeah i'll have dreams about it (not as much as i used to) because it is a thing that is always going on with me but it's NOTHING compared#to what going there was like like i thought about it SO MUCH it made me SO MISERABLE and like actively miserable this is easier to deal#with. passively miserable. but not recognizing my brother's voice was crazy#i always call my little sister my little sister and i don't say that with my brother because i have another sister and she's ALSO my little#sister but not as little😭 like my sister: my sister who's 18 my little sister: my sister who's 10. my dad forbid us from saying half-#sibling🙏#and like i say: brf slt
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I feel so stupid rn
#I forgot that I (am allowed to) exist the way I do because of a fortuitous combination of many factors#and that just because *I* can ignore the societal pressure to marry (and reproduce ig) doesn't mean other people are similarly fortunate#It isn't their fault and they owe me nothing. I understand that.#I just... we talked about this#We didn't make concrete plans or promises or anything solid but#we made jokes about moving in together in the same house with separate rooms#And ranted about how much we didn't want marriage and all it entails#and idk. It often felt like we were trying to go against the tide or something#When I heard the news I felt heartbroken yes but mostly I just felt... betrayed?#Like they were 'selling out' or 'giving in'#And let me clarify this is an arranged marriage that their relatives fixed for them. but also they said yes#And I just. don't get it#I expected them to hold out a little longer#and they told me. a MONTH before the date#A MONTH#I know I am making a huge deal out of it but idk it just hurts and I feel like shit and I feel like throwing a tantrum about it#I should clarify that I KNOW that I'm being irrational#My conceptualisation of the situation as them 'giving in' is ridiculous and unfair#I just... didn't think I had bought so much into the idea that we were going to be single together you know?#It's on me for daydreaming and reading into things#I wouldn't care so much if it was a love marriage situation or whatever coz I was prepared for that scenario#They are so so interesting and beautiful and clever and used to have so many admirers I thought it was only a matter of time#That would hurt but I'd live with it because whoever they chose would be worth it#But THIS??#I feel like a jilted lover despite being leagues away from being anything resembling a lover#I am being so self important right now like I know I wouldn't even have been a passing thought in their mind while deliberating on this#I feel like laughing at myself looking at this from an outside perspective#So stupid and acting so unreasonably#I'm channelling all my negative selfish irrational thoughts here because if I carry them with me irl I will explode#I haven't even cried about it really. I should cry about it it will make me feel better but I know that will trip off a spiral of self-pity
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