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jodilin65 · 29 years ago

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THURSDAY, AUGUST 31, 1995 Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. I’ll write about it after I go try to finish up the big cat.

I have my face all made up now and we’re gonna take pictures. One for Sarah and one of us for the puzzle offer.

Later…

Well, it appears that they just might be on their way out, even though there’s no ‘sold’ sign up yet. Interests are so low right now that there are 4-5 houses for sale on this street alone. Anyway, I haven’t heard their dogs all day today. Early in the morning, the dogs go off for 10-15 minutes or so and I didn’t hear them at all. They’ve also got their trailer up front that had been in their backyard. Tom’s probably right about them moving out of state. Probably to Idaho. I pity whoever they move next to cuz now they’ll have to deal with that dog and their new one for nearly a month till the damn things adjust to their new surroundings.

Why aren’t I nervous as all hell about the new neighbors? Especially when I know I’ve got every reason to be nervous, worried, anxious, frustrated, pissed, and whatever else. I guess it’s cuz I’ve already accepted the inevitable. It’s going to be hell. Kids, dogs, company, car doors and the works.

Tom says I should worry more about a 12-year-old boy playing basketball for hours. To me, a 12-year-old boy playing basketball for hours is no worse or better than a 2-year-old screaming for hours.

I thought I just heard them doing something within the trailer, but I’m not sure. Dean probably doesn’t give a shit, but I wonder if Lenore will tell potential buyers about me and do whatever she can do to select potentially quieter neighbors. I doubt it, though. They probably could care less and just want to get the hell out. For all I know, she may try to pick the biggest and most obnoxious-looking family. It doesn’t matter, though, cuz God will do that. He’ll make sure I’m severely compensated for the lack of heavy metal bands and their kids (the M’s), although their dogs do get on my nerves occasionally.

Tom and I fooled around earlier. Neither of us came, but I had an excuse. It’s usually kind of hard for me to cum at the end of my period to about 10 days after.

Karson left a message, but I’ll talk to her another time.

I did more typing of journal 94 today and ought to be done with that tomorrow.

I can’t believe it’s already September. Just about, anyway. Just 6 more days till I call Lenny for something or nothing at all. I know I shouldn’t be getting my hopes way the hell up there. However, I truly am excited! I just can’t wait.

I finished the cat today and took about 6 different shots of it.

Later…

I did single 8th notes, as I said before, on the strip of wall in the hall by the bathroom. I used the overwriters which tend to fade, so I went over them with regular markers. Tomorrow Tom’s gonna seal that and the cat with clear spray paint. Then I’m gonna do G-clefs and 16th notes on the strip in the hall between the living room doorway and the linen closet.

I wonder how and why their dogs would move first if that’s the case. Especially if they really are leaving the state. I was out back just now and when the two dogs bark who are next to them, theirs usually follow, but I heard nothing. Maybe Lenore, the kids, and the dogs are already gone and he’s just here tying up loose ends and will meet up with them in the trailer. He’ll have to hitch some kind of vehicle to the trailer, though.

They’re gone. I just tried calling and the number’s been disconnected. But why is the trailer in the driveway?

When I asked Tom why they could move so soon, a family of 7-8, and not us, he said he probably didn’t recently get laid off and have to start all over again like he did. A person can also move before the house is sold if they want to move that fast. The Realtor sells it.

Well, the swing set is gone. I just stood up on my chair to see the top of it over the block wall and it’s gone. I’ll never hear those dogs again! Yeah, but I wonder what the new dog’s bark is gonna be like? Barking is barking and it’s totally obnoxious!

With all the many houses for sale now, I hope God will hold the hell off and that the place will be empty a bit longer, but I doubt it. This is Arizona! They moved in the same day the first people moved out who were there when I moved in here. They had two dogs and two basketball-playing boys. If I had to guess, there’ll be two dogs and 4 kids. These kids will probably go to public schools and have all kinds of friends over.

This is perfect timing for God to do this to me. Right when it’ll be cooler in less than two months when the kids will be outdoors much more. I’ll be getting hit full blast by them right around the same time the M’s hit me full blast.

No wonder she didn’t go to Idaho in June. They knew they were splitting soon enough.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30, 1995 I believe tomorrow’s Gloria’s 37th birthday.

I fell asleep around 9 PM and got up 5 hours later. I got more of a period. I feel OK, though, cuz yesterday I slept very long.

I told Tom about the injection, and when I see Dr. Rausch in about a month, I’ll ask him more about it. We originally planned on me not doing anything till January, even though, Tom said to do whatever I want whenever and that he wants a kid. Well, I’m probably gonna get on this stuff as soon as I can cuz I’m sick of his shit and he’ll never change. I’m sick of him not putting his actions where his mouth is and maybe he says he wants a kid, but I don’t. No more games! I don’t care if my getting this stuff hurts him. Don’t you think his bullshit about us having a kid has hurt me more? I’m not gonna be played for a fool. I love him, but he’s not gonna tease me about this subject anymore. He can say he wants a kid 100 times a day. I don’t believe it! If I ever see a day when he cums, then I’ll believe it. And I’m not talking about an occasional orgasm during the times of my cycle when I can’t conceive if all’s OK with me. I want to see some serious, consistent effort before I ever buy anything he says.

How can this guy be such a saint otherwise? How can the same person have every good quality a human can possibly have and be such a liar and a joker on this one subject? Why is he doing this to me? Why is God doing this to me? Just what did I do to get into and deserve this situation? How can a guy tell me so much about how he wants a kid and that I’d be a good mother, yet do absolutely nothing about it?

Well, the otherwise saint was a real saint and hero at work. After only being there 3 months he’s now Employee of the Month. They gave him 3 balloons, candy, a letter opener, shoe polish, and a few other things.

Later…

Tom and Tammy talked yesterday cuz Tammy wanted to ask him about her piece of shit computer she says she’s ready to shoot. Tom’s gonna send her some programs.

A commercial came on for a service we’ll probably never need, but it’s nice to know about it anyway for $40. The number is 1-800-US-SEARCH and they find past/lost friends and family members with a full name provided to them. Is this commercial a sign that yes, I will get Robin’s full name, but have no way to find her? Or find someone who can tell me if she’s dead? I’d start my search in Maine or Massachusetts first, but she could be anywhere.

Later…

Tweak Daddy is leaving early this morning.

Anyway, I’m writing on my bed now with Tom still sound asleep in the bed next door. When I look at him, I feel so much love, but I also feel so much anger. I still feel foolish and awkward about praying to God to help him, cuz only he can help himself.

A part of me is considering returning to dancing just to make him feel part of how I’m feeling, but I don’t think I could stoop that low. Plus, all he’d feel was a little worried. He would not feel the emotions I’m feeling and as deep as I feel them.

As for this injection, I’m very seriously considering it before January. He might pretend this bothers him, but to me, it’s all a show to cover the truth. He had the nerve to say to me, “Well, obviously if you want this, you’re saying you don’t want a child.”

No, I’m saying I don’t want periods until and if I see him cum. Also, even if we had the one kid we want, who needs or wants periods till they hit menopause? The reason why I say he had the nerve to say that is due to how easy it is for me to say, “Obviously if you don’t cum, you’re saying you don’t want a child.”

TUESDAY, AUGUST 29, 1995 Slept nearly 12 hours yesterday. Wow! Sure was beat. I awoke to the start of my period 5 days earlier than it was due, but at least I’ll get early relief this month. It’s only spots now, but hopefully it’ll hit full blast soon enough to get some of this water off me and make my tits less sore.

I found out some excellent news today. I called Cigna and a nurse said I could get a hysterectomy, but there’s a less drastic way. A way that requires no surgery, no having to take pills and no side effects. It’s an injection you get every 12 weeks and it completely stops periods, PMS, and all the emotional and physical BS that’s associated with periods. Tom asked me to please not do anything till January if I’m not pregnant by then. Fine, but when we see that I won’t be, I’m gonna go for this injection. This is also good for people who’ve had all the kids they want, then don’t want to deal with periods till their periods stop. Also, the pill doesn’t really do much. It stops the ovulation, but you still get somewhat of a period and all its related BS.

My left shoulder bugs me from time to time, but I sure have been having my share of back pain/strain/soreness. Tom said I’ve been overdoing and that I should take it easy today. Yeah, I think I will. All I’ve done so far is a bit of typing, some singing, I watched TV, and called Tammy. The girls started school OK and Tammy had school last night. She goes for 3 hours on Monday and Wednesday nights.

Lisa’s Bat mitzvah will be on May 4th. Right now, I still have a medium-strong feeling we’ll be there.

I put the remainder of my tattoos on yesterday, but I screwed up on two of them. The yellow carnation on my thigh and the rose on my tit got a little messed up. I also have a butterfly on my left forearm, a heart with a sword through it on my upper right arm and 3 small sets of double hearts on my hand that go almost to my wrist.

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve heard those kids next door, but it’s great. The only thing I get a few times a day is their dogs barking. They leave those dogs out 24/7 regardless of how the weather is.

Only 8 more days till I call Lenny. I’m psyched, but I’ve got to bear in mind that I may not get anywhere. Despite any reasons I have for being hopeful, I’d still be really shocked if I got a sure name. Even if I do get a sure name, I still might not get anywhere. If she’s alive, she could be living anywhere with an unlisted number.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but yes, Tom definitely is happy with us sleeping together. When we were first talking about it, I was afraid it’d be like sex, only for me. Truthfully, I think he’s into the foreplay, but not the getting-off part. That’s strictly been my thing only, but we know why.

I think I’ll go swimming and keep my color going.

MONDAY, AUGUST 28, 1995 I can’t believe they haven’t sold that house next door yet. It oughta be any day now. Oh, I dread it so much!

Tom almost got me to believe for a tiny bit, for a tiny second yesterday, that he wants a kid. I tried really hard to get him to admit he doesn’t want one, but no such luck. However, there are still excuses, as I knew there’d be. Some are legit, some - who knows, but the point is, there are still excuses. He’s too tired. He’s got to pee. And who’s to say he isn’t beating himself off when he pees?

Andy said the Sarah letter was excellent and that Sarah will really like it.

Today I’m sending Tammy about 7 pictures and 1 to my parents. Soon I’ll have Tom take 1 of me to send to Sarah and 1 of us for that free puzzle offer. After I buy 4 more puzzles, we can fill out a form to have a picture of us made into a puzzle.

Speaking of puzzles, Mom gave Tom a puzzle she got for her birthday. Due to her arthritis, her hands don’t work too well, so I’m gonna put it together for her, then I’ll have to glue it cuz it’s so big. It’s a 1000-piece puzzle that’s quite ugly. Too New England looking.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 27, 1995 I forgot to mention that I canceled my appointment with Dr. Rugg tomorrow. There’s no way I can be awake at that time and I just don’t need to go.

Now I’ll put on the remainder of my tattoos and then do some computer work till I wake Tom up at 7:30.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 26, 1995 My measurements are currently: tits – 34, waist – 25½, hips – 34. This is OK, but I still wish my waist would drop to 24” and that my 20½” thighs would drop to 18” or 19”. If I wasn’t so thick-thighed and thick-waisted, I’d look a hell of a lot better.

Andy left me a message saying that he spoke to Barbara Nicks after he and Michelle went to the outdoor Fleetwood Mac concert (Stevie wasn’t there). He said Barbara said she’d have gone with him if he had called and that he really believes they’ll meet someday. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did end up meeting Stevie someday.

Tom’s sound asleep right now in his bed. I’m writing on my bed to give my back a break from sitting hunched over beading.

Oral sex is still my favorite which I get off by around 98% of the time. However, screwing has been harder for me cuz all that’s on my mind is that it’s only for me (regardless of what he says) and how he’s “Scott M-ing” me with this baby bullshit. Aside from this, things are great between us.

I’m curious to know what his next excuse will be after he’s been in here for a while for why he can’t cum. It’ll probably be that he needs to be in the same bed, then sleeping on top of me, then God only knows what! It could be cuz I don’t have blue hair and yellow eyes for all I know.

Karson’s dad is in the psych ward right now and I guess he’s an alkie and a psycho. In the meantime, till he gets out, she’s gonna look for an apartment with a girl named Amy.

Kim sent me a letter along with 7 Bob letters. She’s not doing too well right now. She mentioned a problem with Doug but didn’t get into it. She’s got female problems. Some kind of extra tissue in her uterus needs to be removed. I wouldn’t be surprised if she were sterile cuz she fits no requirements to be a mother. Cuz she’d be a great mother, doesn’t drink or do drugs, and is smart, a good person, and financially set. She sure does look like a mom, though!

Bob said a few funny things. One of them started off “I honey!” instead of “Hi honey!” Kim wrote next to it “OK, whatever you say.” Then he said he had a new thought - of how he feels she’d be better off if he were dead.

Bull. He’s told both of us this a million times. It’s far from new.

I get a kick out of how he says he dies a little each day when she doesn’t write. He’s been dying a little ever since they met, so how come he’s not long gone?!

Kim says she very well may write him a wacky letter and that if she does, she’ll mail me a copy. That oughta be quite hilarious.

I wonder why neither of us heard anything from Bob about his secret admirer letter which she said she sent? Maybe he’s too embarrassed to bring it up.

I haven’t seen or heard tweak daddy next door getting ready to move. I’ll just enjoy myself till the new kids, dogs, and nightmare arrives and I’m forced and controlled into living just as I would if I were still in an apartment.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 25, 1995 Right now, I could be in a better mood than I’m in right now, but first, I’ll update other stuff.

I got lucky the other day and did two OK drawings and one really good one. They were of the sexy cards in the back of this book.

Yesterday I got Sarah’s 14-page letter. It would’ve equaled the 6 typed pages I sent her, but she wrote big and only on one side of the pages. It was great, though, and she’s much more intelligent than I thought. I expected a carbon copy of Karson (they hate each other, by the way). Her letter was all serious and her envelope was decorated very nicely.

I sent her a 6-page letter today and I also sent a copy to Andy.

I created 3 new files on the computer. Instead of doing all my letters in the ltrs file, I created Karsar for Karson and Sarah, Kimbob for Kim and Bob and Partam for my parents and Tammy.

We got Windows 95 today, an upgraded version of Windows. We’re not sure if we’re gonna like it yet, but at least it has a 30-day trial thing.

I can’t believe it, but Tammy finally sent us 7 pictures. The girls are really growing up and Lisa’s already getting a chest. I cried cuz I miss them so much and Tom understood. I really really hope to see them this spring since we’ll never have a kid. Bill is totally bald, but otherwise he looks healthier than I thought. I thought he’d be very thin after all he’s gone through, but he’s not. Tammy was the hardest to see cuz her two shots were further away. She still looked the same except for her hair color. It’s a goldish color and still as short as it always was.

I slept till 6 PM today, so I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna get to the 5 PM appointment Monday. I feel punished and like this appointment wasn’t meant to be, but for Tom’s sake and peace of mind, I’ll just follow the damn thing through.

Later…

I just had a good cry and that made me feel a little better.

Later, I can go exercise my stomach and the hips God gave me for the child I’ll never carry. Although it’s getting easier, I’m still depressed, frustrated and angry about not being able to have a child.

Tom insists he wants one and isn’t playing games and that I can express my feelings about it, but to stop calling him a liar. Well, I can stop calling him a liar cuz he already knows how I feel, but I can’t stop feeling what I’m feeling.

I wish I could always thoroughly blame myself. I know I can’t have a child even if he would cum, but sometimes I just feel it’d be easier if a doctor told me that for sure. That way I could be 100% sure instead of 99.9% sure and it’d make it easier in certain ways. I’d still feel depressed and angry at God, but not so teased and upset at Tom. There’d be no blame to feel towards him.

I blame him. I blame myself. I blame God.

What did I do wrong? Why is it that God and Tom are doing this to me? Would it really kill me? Would I really be that bad of a mother? Would it really ruin our marriage and end our lives? Or is it cuz we’d be too good at it and that’s not what God wants? Especially with all the Kim’s getting pregnant in this world. Last night Andy told me that Kim was dying to get pregnant. Anything to get attention longer. At first I asked myself why God would let her get pregnant if it was what she wanted. Then I remembered that she still qualifies. She’s still too young, too fucked up, broke, and on drugs.

What do I have to do to qualify? Become the biggest asshole this world’s ever known? What do I do wrong to become pregnant? What does Tom need to do in order to put his actions where his mouth is?

God will let most people who are too young, fucked up, doped out, or that don’t want kids to have them, but not me and my stable, drug-free, middle-class income husband. No. We’re just not bad enough. If I pranked some poor old man with a weak heart who I scared and killed, would that get me pregnant? I had most of the “qualifications” the few times I fucked with Ron and Bruce, so why didn’t I ever get pregnant then? I’m glad I didn’t, but I’d still like to know why.

This leads me to believe that the pregnancy and or childbirth would kill me and God doesn’t want me to die that way. Or maybe I’d be worse than my mother was, beat it to death, end up in jail all my life and God doesn’t want that for me either any more than I do, though I can’t imagine this.

There’s got to be a reason why God put me with a guy who doesn’t cum, which I know is rare. Does God want to tease me through Tom? As far as me believing Tom when he says he can’t cum and that it’s out of his control - no way. Cuz then he wouldn’t be able to get hard like he always does.

His attitude and comments drop too many hints that he’s against a kid. Earlier he said I was angry with him cuz he “hasn’t” made me pregnant, not cuz he “can’t” make me pregnant.

I believe it’s a jealousy issue and that he doesn’t have the faith he says he has as far as me being a good mother. Of course he’s gonna say I’d be a good mom and that he wants one. He’s got to. Gotta cover up the truth. One day he’s gonna break and tell me the truth. He can’t play this fucking game with me forever.

I feel lied to, I feel cheated, I feel punished. I feel angry at God, I feel angry at Tom, I feel angry at myself. I feel embarrassed and like a foolish little sucker. Just as I did when Scott MacNab pulled his fucking shit with me.

Tom says he prefers me not to take birth control. Fine. I don’t like the idea of having to pop pills all over again, but one of these days I’m gonna do for myself and get that hysterectomy.

Knowing the situation is the way it is and the way it’s gonna stay is one thing, but what do I do? Praying has been useless, I can’t make myself qualify, so now what? I know God’s not testing me or wanting me to wait until I get older. I know part of it is compensation.

I’m accepting never having a child a little bit, but I still have a ways to go. What can I do to finally bury it? How can I bury it forever?

I already know for sure that the new neighbors and their dogs will be a nightmare, so why can’t that be compensation in itself for a child? I know, I know. Pleading, begging and wishing are just totally useless. God will never allow me a child and neither will my husband.

Later…

I just played with Piggy who always makes me happy.

Andy and Karson left me messages, but I just don’t feel like doing the phone tonight.

I have things to do. I’ve got 33 more CDs to inventory, along with about 6 other things I want to get done. Or at least work on them.

Later…

I inventoried some more CDs and began re-editing Sally.

I left Andy a message letting him know I just wasn’t in the mood to talk on the phone cuz I wanted to catch up on stuff I do.

My mood could be worse right now, but it still could be better right now, too.

I wonder something else about Tom. Is the reason why he’s so good to me in lots of other ways to make up for his bullshit about the kid? I believe he’d still be good to me in many ways and buy me things, but would he as much if it weren’t for the kid issue?

Is there any possible way that someone in my family could’ve talked him into making sure I never get pregnant? Would my family risk bribing him for fear of him telling me about it? Yeah, I think they would.

Back when I was living on Oswego St. and Crystal was living with me, a similar situation happened. I know I wrote about this in my second journal or so, too. There was no issue of bribery, but when I pranked Nervous’s mother, his sister asked for my parent’s number which the bundle of nerves gave her. She (Nerv’s sister Judy) called my parents who lied left and right to Judy. They said I grew up in mental institutions, they were paying Crystal to watch me, etc. Well, Judy told this to Nervous who told it to me. I know this is exactly the kind of stuff my parents would say which I believe they later admitted. I think they knew it could very well get back to me and no, I don’t think they’re afraid to talk bullshit that I could find out about. I’m sure all they knew I could do about it was to call them up and bitch them out.

If I had to make a list of all the reasons why Tom and God could have that they’re against me having a child, this is what it’d be:

Tom’s reasons for not wanting me to have a child.

Jealousy The financial burden Doesn’t want to deal with it The time it would take up Fear of me being a bad mom My fears, worries and doubts about it Me bitching about how fat I’d be and the pain and discomforts of it My sleep schedule Lack of sleep My smoking My other hobbies, goals, wanting to see my family Arguing over issues concerning the child God’s reasons for not wanting me to have a child.

The financial burden The time it would take up It killing me Other plans for me in life Us fighting over it and our marriage being ruined Cuz I want one Cuz I’m not a druggie or alkie Cuz I’m smart Cuz I don’t have “the look” Cuz I might not be a bad enough mother Cuz I’m not an airhead or an asshole or into major crimes Cuz I’m not too young

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23, 1995 I finally figured out what to do with those remaining pages in Journal 91. A CD inventory. I’m writing the artists and all the titles on all my 113 CDs.

About an hour ago I went into bed and Tom immediately went for it. The foreplay was great. What was different about it was that it was more intense. As I knew real damn good and well, though, he never came a drop.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 22, 1995 Continuing on: We taped the poster of that on the wall, along with a lion drawing I did and a sign saying PrintBIG, by Mystery Computer Enterprises. I stood in the center of it and he filmed that on the computer.

Tomorrow’s my appointment with Dr. Rugg. How much do you want to bet that Tom will be “too tired” to get back into screwing tomorrow to instill patience into me for God only knows what reason? If he is, though, I guess I can’t blame him since he’s gotta get up at 4 AM.

Another way I know things won’t change sexually with him is cuz of yesterday. He went down on me which made him hard. Then he said, “As soon as this hard-on gets settled down, I’ll get back to work.”

I asked him why doesn’t he let me take care of that for him? No, no, he said, he’d just let it settle down. How fucking weird! I mean, who the hell can live like that? That would just drive me crazy. I hope he managed to relieve himself somehow that night, but that was a verification that he’s still up to his old ways and tricks. He really does only let me do him with my hand so he can harden up to screw me, but only for me.

I got a Bob letter today. Not much is new with him.

Still haven’t heard from Karson or Sarah. Andy says Sarah should definitely write back, but we’re not sure about Karson, even though she says she’s got a few pages done. I’m always skeptical, till I see stuff, though. She did say earlier on the phone that she could read me some of it. I told her not to, cuz I’d rather it be a surprise.

She also told me she was molested when she was about 8 and I’m the only one that knows besides her family. I wonder why people feel they can trust me so much, but that’s nice. She went on and on for quite a while on how she doesn’t get along with her mother.

Later…

I just came into the bedroom to lie down and write. Something I haven’t done much of lately. I don’t spend too much time in here anymore.

Karson doesn’t answer now and Andy must be pissed. When I went to call him his VM was out of service for repair in his area.

Surprisingly, when I came in here, the light woke Tom up. He wasn’t one bit upset by it and has gone back to sleep.

Tomorrow at Dr. Rugg’s I’m really tempted to ask about birth control to wipe out my periods. My periods aren’t the end of the world like they were in my teens, but who wants them? I just don’t like the idea of having to take pills all over again.

I thought I heard the weirdo next door open and shut the van door. I still say they may have been up to something illegal all along and maybe someone’s on to them and that’s why they’re splitting so soon. To home-teach your kids is one thing, but to have only the father go out only to work, and the whole family go out only once a week for a few hours is shady. Plus, God would see to it that they were at least a little off-kilter cuz of the kids.

Anyway, I’m just gonna enjoy the 98% of the peace around here before it’s all gone. And it’s gonna go fast, too. I’ll be lucky if I have 50% peace.

Alex is vacationing in Alaska. I asked him for how long and with whom, but he never said. He must be making really damn good money to be able to afford to go to Alaska. I’m surprised he’s going so soon after starting his job with IBM. He likes his job and his apartment but is lonely there cuz he doesn’t know anyone there. He will, though. He’s an active guy.

Been exercising since, I believe, August 3rd.

Dad’s gonna be up in New England again to do the final flea market show in Brimfield. Lucky for Tammy and Larry and their kids.

I finished coloring the musical notes. I may do more of those. I worked some more on the giant cat. I began to make 15 strands of 100 beads to hang off the old non-usable AC that’s been in the living room. I have other art ideas, too. In the music room, there used to be a window, just like in the bathroom and living room. They were boarded up when they put up the garbage and added the back room. Now they’re just hollowed out. I was thinking of trying to draw an outside scene in it. I still have several projects. Editing, medley work, puzzles, and whatever else I can do.

I think I may have had another experience with Robin last night.

I know it’ll do me no good, but I chatted with God last night. I told Him I understand his reasons for compensation, but please! Please don’t let the new neighbors ruin my peace and life.

I also don’t think it’ll do me any good to ask Him to allow Tom to allow himself to cum, but I did.

A very good question just came to mind, before I get on with it. If He connected me to Tom, then how and why wouldn’t He want me to have a child? Why not just send me the right woman if a child wasn’t in the cards? Maybe He does want me to wait quite a while if it is gonna happen. Just wish it could be up to me for once.

Anyway, after I pleaded with Him, I sensed Robin lying beside me. She was trying to reassure me that I need not worry at all. Also, she was so proud of my accomplishments (getting off the Theo and sleeping with Tom). She insisted she and God wouldn’t ruin my peace and life and that she was sorry she can’t always be here. Guess she’s been busy on other missions or whatever. She loves me, keep on with Labor Day (the call) cuz in the end, I’ll get what I need.

I’m really wondering if she isn’t all one big joke or my imagination cuz I know I’ve got shit to worry about with the new neighbors. It’s gonna be hell and I know it.

I’m still not sure I fully believe in her spirit or God, but the baby desires have gone way way way down since I asked for help on being able to deal with never having a kid.

Later…

Boy, was I pissed off earlier today! This morning I told Tom I had a strong feeling of something being delayed. He said I was probably just nervous and not to worry. Sure enough, though, when I got up at 2:30, there was a message having to cancel Dr. Rugg’s appointment cuz of an emergency. So now I have to start all over again, keeping my schedule intact till next week, and after Friday - no sex. Tom says it’s no big deal, I’m worth it and in a way, it makes sex better cuz of the wait. That’s true.

He says he wants to screw in the morning and feels so much more at peace with our sleeping together. Me too. I feel so much more “normal.”

Later…

Tom and I swam earlier, then I swam by myself after he went to bed.

The program has been sent out on AOL.

I spoke to Karson a little while ago who called to let me know Gloria was on TV. She was doing an AIDS benefit concert with a few others. She sang a song from her greatest hits CD, as well as a few oldies. She still looks fat, but not as fat as I thought she’d look.

MONDAY, AUGUST 21, 1995 Yes, peanuts definitely help me shit better. Just when I thought I was gonna be constipated again, I ate some peanuts, gave the shells to Piggy, and a few hours later I took a dump.

Just when I thought I wasn’t gonna do anymore wall art, either, I am. Tom got me several boxes of markers, so I began to do a humongous cat in the music room. It goes from the ceiling to the floor.

Anyway, I was using black and gray for the cat, but as I started blending it, it began to turn green. Tom says there are green elements in black and gray. So, I said fuck it. I’ll just do a far-out, multicolored cat. I’ve got the head done, but the rest may take some time, as it’s so big.

I’m also doing musical notes on the little strip of wall between the hall closet and the bathroom. I took one of the 3 plastic notes (musical) I got in 1986 or 1987 and traced 9 of those. I’m using the under/over markers for it.

Later…

I didn’t get to finish writing about the business the other night cuz I just didn’t feel like it, but now I will. Tomorrow we’re gonna launch the PrintBMP and the PrintBIG programs since this weekend’s work took us longer than anticipated.

I wonder, though, could it be an example set by Tom? About a week ago he said he had a deadline to get those out for sale on America Online by yesterday. Did he deliberately delay it cuz of a comment I had made (jokingly)? I said, “Yeah, I have a deadline to find out I’m pregnant for my birthday.”

Could he have done it to show me how much longer things are gonna take? Along with other things he’s delayed? I don’t know, cuz by the way he was talking, he sounded pretty ambitious, so who the hell knows.

Anyway, I set up a display to film on the computer to make a poster. I put a white sheet on the kitchen table and the wall around it. Then I put the big stuffed tiger, flowers, a little stuffed kitty, and two pretty journals as a display.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 20, 1995 I was just bitching to Andy all about my inevitable doom from our new neighbors. He said, “I hate to say this, but you better hope Mexicans don’t move in there cuz they fix their cars all damn day, have a million family members and friends over, party all the time, and don’t care if they’re crammed into a smaller house.”

Yeah, I know. I remember that damn butch at the Vista Ventana who crammed her 10 little brothers into her 400-square-foot studio. I also remember how it was the Puerto Ricans always working on their cars on Oswego St.

Anyway, Andy’s vibes also say that I have every reason to worry. Oh, I know I do. I can’t help but think about it. This is the calm before the storm and I know that storm’s right around the corner. Only a week or two left to go. People sell their houses really damn fast here in Arizona. I think I would definitely take kids and dogs to a Mexican family. Better yet, I’d rather have to deal with and listen to my own kid.

This doesn’t hurt or anger me as much anymore, but I’ll probably mention it all my life. It’s another thing I just know. My otherwise loving and honest husband is gonna play me for a fool after I see Dr. Rugg for the third fucking time. I know Tom will never cum and I still don’t believe it’s cuz he can’t cum. Never have believed that, never will. He’s already told me too many lies pertaining to sex and a kid for me not to know better. He’s been insisting that our now sleeping together is what he needs in order to cum. Then how did he “think” I’d be pregnant at various other times when we weren’t sleeping together? Earlier, I said I’d like to do whatever it took to have a kid. Then he goes, “So, what are you gonna do? Run out and cheat on me?” I know he meant for me to take that as a joke, but I saw right through him. He may as well just have come right out and said, “Oh, no you’re not. I hold the sperm, lady, and you ain’t getting any of it cuz we are not having a child.”

OK, Tom. Whatever you say. There are other things I can do in this world. I do value my sleep and our time together and much more. I do want to go to CA, to see my family and other places.

You know what I wonder about them next door? How can they afford to move so soon? What are they doing that we’re not that enables a family of 7-8 to move, but not a family of two? Life just isn’t fair. This is when I have to count the blessings that I do have.

Perhaps they won’t sell to Mexicans cuz they’re friends with the other household next to them. The other house also has kids, though, so they won’t hear the parties and car repairs over that. I wonder if they’ll tell prospective buyers how I complained about the kids? Tom says he doubts it. The good thing about it is that I have the fan to sleep with. I didn’t have it when they were moving in and they constantly woke me up. Anyway, there’ll be no such thing anymore as being able to sit and do whatever with no music on or some kind of background noise to drown them out. There’ll be no such thing anymore as a quiet backyard.

Later…

I just checked my horoscopes throughout the rest of this month. It doesn’t seem to hint at any major crisis, but my feelings say that the new people may move in on the 27th.

I’m 104 fucking pounds! Why? Is it cuz of coming off the Theodur? I haven’t changed my eating habits and have been exercising. I think it’s cuz my last period was so very light. I’m backed up with water. A woman can have “period constipation,” just like both women and men get constipated from not shitting.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 19, 1995 Boy, do I ever have fears, worries and apprehensions. I don’t think, I know I am about to go through a hellish nightmare. Don’t get me wrong - I’m actually in a fine mood right now. It’s just another thing coming up that I know I can’t escape. It’s inevitable.

I know I’ve made the following two statements before to Tom, Andy, and in my journals. They are, “Watch, with my luck, now that they’ve been so quiet next door, they’ll move.” And also, “Things have been so much quieter around here that I fear compensation.”

Well, the first one is happening and the second one will happen. I knew God just couldn’t and wouldn’t keep the peace around here a continuous blessing. He just wants noise from mainly kids and dogs to be a constant part of my life.

I can’t believe they’re moving already! Did she know this when I sent the letter about the kids and is that the only reason why she shut the kids up? Did she say to herself, OK, OK. I’ll shut them up cuz we’re gonna move in a matter of months anyway. I wonder why. Tom speculates it’s cuz they don’t like the city and are probably moving out of state. Probably to Idaho. She said she hates the heat here.

Anyway, I know there’ll be several obnoxious kids moving in there (although one’s enough to deal with and listen to). There’ll definitely be at least one dog I’ll have to listen to, probably for way more than the month or so their dog barked non-stop when they first got here.

I’m so tempted to beg God to please let it be a couple like Tom and I or an elderly person. Someone with very little company, no kids and no dogs!

But I know better. It’s gonna happen. I’ve just got to face it and deal with it. I only hope and pray that when it comes time for me to go over there or send them a “please quiet down” letter that they give a shit. About 90% of the population wouldn’t have been so kind, considerate and understanding about it as Lenore was. I’m so pissed, though. I know there are gonna be loud kids. I know there are gonna be loud dogs. It just ticks me off so much and makes me so nervous that I’ve got to try not to think about it till it happens. And it will happen.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 18, 1995 Can’t sleep yet, so I may as well write. Or maybe not since I can’t think of anything to say.

I think I’ll go work on my puzzle.

Later…

Not much has happened since I last wrote. I talked to Larry today and I finally remembered to ask him how long he and Sandy have been married. Since 1977.

He said he also called Tammy on her birthday, but couldn’t call me cuz he put the phone down and fell asleep and she was still there when he awoke the next morning.

Also, he’s waiting for money from the bank to buy some tractor-trailers and work in an office.

I told him in my letter not to get an office in Springfield cuz his windows will get smashed every night.

Karson just called and I’ll probably talk to her and Andy tonight.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 17, 1995 When Tom got home he fixed the phone in the bedroom, oiled the squeaky bedroom doorknob, and called Tammy with me.

We also went swimming and ordered a pizza before going down on me.

Yesterday Andy told me he was pissed cuz Bug’s decided to keep her baby and not do the right thing. He asked her how she was gonna afford to take care of it when she can’t even afford to take care of herself. Her brilliant answer was that she’d worry about it when the time came. Fine time to start worrying! She’ll just be another welfare mom. She was supposed to have her 7-year-old son who’s living with his dad in Florida come live with her, but she can’t afford him, either. As I reminded Andy, this is how God wants it. She can forget about ever bothering to write to me cuz I don’t want anything to do with her.

Last night I spoke with Andy, Karson and Quinn’s girlfriend Jen. It was pretty funny. Everyone loved it when I said the line: Karson, I heard they used you to impregnate a bunny. She recorded us on her regular answering machine. Then she gave me her code to record it, but it sounds terribly distorted.

Yesterday, Tom and I were checking out a magazine on Prodigy. It listed the 300 biggest cities, then put them in order from best to worst. The lower the number, the better. Phoenix was at 94. Springfield was at 278.

Later…

Today was a fairly decent day which became a little dismal. I feel it was my fault, though. The baby desires were kicking in which I should’ve known better is an obvious turn-off to Tom, no matter what he says. I have to remember and keep in mind that no matter how much he says he wants a kid - he doesn’t. No matter how much he says he’ll cum - he won’t. He says he feels like we’re still newlyweds cuz we just started sleeping together. I’m not gonna buy into his teasing games of having a kid, though. After I see Dr. Rugg, which is a legit excuse where we can’t screw, there’ll be some other excuse where we don’t do it more often and why he can’t cum.

I was really annoyed today when we were at McDonald’s. Well, the kids get rowdier and noisier, as parents are less able and willing to control their kids. It was a zoo in there. The point is, well, I could be wrong, but didn’t he eat much much slower than usual to rub it into my face?

Earlier I had him go down on me, but I could not cum cuz I felt bad for taking him away from his baseball game on TV. I still feel that that and a few other things are a higher priority than sex. I laughed earlier when he told me he’s horny all the time. Well, he does a damn good job at hiding it! I’m sure he relieves himself in his wet dreams and in the bathroom. He always goes to the bathroom before we do anything. Could this be to relieve himself so he won’t get off with me? Sometimes he doesn’t seem like he’s in there long enough to get off, but who knows?

Sexually, he just is not your typical male. Non-sexually, yes, but without the violent side, of course.

Dr. Nielsen says my ear looks great. He removed tons of dead skin from the graft and I’ll be seeing him again in 3 months. On November 16.

After the appointment was when we went to McDonald’s, then to the grocery store where we picked up a few things.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16, 1995 Two out of 3 calls have been made to Tammy. The first time I called Bill answered saying she was at her neighbor Tammy’s pool. Andy and I called the second time and I let her know Tom and I would call her back later.

Andy figured out his fingerspelling message on the phone.

I’m shocked at just how happy Karson was to get my letter. Andy played me two messages she left him saying she couldn’t wait to read my letter to him. Andy liked it. Especially my question: How come the sun makes things lighter and people darker? Well, it’s an honest, legit question!

He said she said she began writing me back and when Andy asked her to read what she wrote so far, she said no, it was too personal. Really? She said Andy knows everything about her, so what would she have to tell me that’s so personal? Naturally, I’ll read it to Andy, but we won’t tell her that.

Sarah should get my letter today.

Later…

I just spoke to Karson who says I can read her letter to others when I get it. This could be pure bullshit, but she claims she got around 90 free CDs from Power 95 radio station cuz she knows people there and that she can also get me CDs. She’s also a big Gloria fan.

I made an appointment to see Dr. Rugg for 5 PM on the 21st. No sex for me till the 22nd if Tom’s up to it then and awake enough for it. Thank God I’m not due for my period on the 23rd - 25th or so, cuz I’d be so horny. They told me no sex 3-4 days before the appointment, but Tom said we should make it 5 days before. Anything for him to get out of it, huh?

So far our sleeping together hasn’t made him any hornier, but we’ll see when he’s less horny. I woke twice last night. Once he was snoring so incredibly loud. It was like this crackling sound. I yelled at him to stop and he did. Then I awoke cuz the door handle squeaked, but I was ready to get up then, anyway. He said he overslept. I didn’t hear his alarm, at least.

Gotta see Dr. Nielsen tomorrow.

I hooked up the phone that was in the bedroom in here, but I can’t get a dial tone.

I figured out what I’m gonna do with those 104 remaining pages, not 105 cuz I forgot Tom wrote a page. I’ll list each journal, my age, city, street, state, and year it was written. Then my neighbors and any significant events I can think of or remember off the top of my head. Of course, I could be off a book or two. I said Crystal lived with me in #1, but I think it was more like #2.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 15, 1995 Again, I had no problems sleeping last night.

I called Karson last night. We had a quick, but nice chat. She and Andy left me messages last night. Usually, if I don’t talk to Andy at night, he calls at around 1:30 PM when he wakes up.

Labor Day is the 4th, but I’m not gonna call Lenny till the 6th. So, there are 23 more days to go.

Today I’m mailing out pictures to Tammy and my parents. Also, 6-page letters to Sarah and Andy.

We tried to superimpose a picture of me standing with my arms both down by my side and raised up over my head. It came out blurry and funny and there were 4 copies of it, so I’m sending Andy one.

It’s still nice and quiet in this room. The only time I hear barking is in the early evening, but it’s nothing too constant or severe.

Later…

If I stop in the middle of a sentence, it’s cuz Andy may call.

Yesterday Tom told me he had a dream that he was telling someone else that he had a dream that he went to a kangaroo race where each kangaroo was a different, yet solid color. Blue, green, red, etc.

Now that the side of my journal bookcase is exposed and I don’t have it jammed up against the waterbed, I redid my large print journal chart so I can see each one well. It takes up 4 pages. I used 4 different colors for each page - pink, green, purple and blue.

I also dimmed the too-brightly lit clock on the other VCR which is now in the bedroom. I put 4 pieces of tape over it. This way it’s dim, but you can still read the time at night. Or even in the day since it’s always so dark in there with no lights on.

They have this obnoxious security light next door. It’s always been there. Even before they moved in over there. Certain sounds or motions trip it off. So, it can be pleasantly and relaxingly dark in here while I’m listening to music, then that thing glares on.

The non-sleeping, possibly tweaker daddy just came home. This is an odd time for that. Maybe Lenore had to go for a check-up for her hundredth kid.

What do I do with 105 spare pages, let alone 100 as I thought it’d be? I finished copying the remainder of my story into 91, so now I’ll have to decide what to do with those 105 remaining pages.

Later…

I will never buy another L’Oreal product for as long as I live. This Megahard product has proven to be useless. It chips off just as quickly and as easily as regular nail polish does.

Anyway, Karson called all happy about getting my letter. She could read it, too. We were wondering if she was illiterate. She says she’ll write me back. She says she writes sloppily. I don’t care about misspelled words, but I hate sloppy, hard-to-read letters. She said she’ll try to get over to her mother’s house, who also lives in Mesa, to use her computer to do my letter on, but it can’t do any fancy fonts. That’s OK. She said she’s not gonna toss my letter in an NPN envelope; she’s gonna keep it.

She too, hates the name Jodi just as much as I do. She also hates MA. She went to Quincy, Dorset and Braintree a few years ago at Christmas time.

Hopefully, Sarah will get her letter tomorrow in Cucamonga, CA. Andy loved his last letter, saying it was so funny.

He says he hasn’t figured out the fingerspelling message but thinks someone he knows at work can. What’s the big deal? How can he not figure it out when I wrote the letters in when I first printed out the alphabet? Well, he did say that although it’s cool, he can’t deal with it.

I got a little more color today. The nice thing about it is, is that I look more brownish for a change, rather than reddish. I hate red/pink-tinged skin.

Later…

Tom just called to tell me he’s running late but will be home in about half an hour.

I was doing some word search puzzles, but now I’m bored. I’m still outside now where it’s still hot and humid. Not as hot and humid, though.

Later…

Tom’s home now eating the hot dogs and cheesy potatoes I made him.

He’s been up since 1:30 last night. Must’ve been not too long after I fell asleep. He said he should’ve gone to the bathroom before bed, cuz if he doesn’t, he wakes up having to go.

It’s a good thing I’m not horny now cuz there’s no way we’re having sex tonight. Probably not till after my appointment.

Tomorrow’s Tammy’s birthday. I asked Tom if he wanted me to go ahead and call her whenever I could, or wait till he came home. He said, go ahead and call, since it’s later in the east, then we’ll call again together after he gets home.

Later…

Karson just called again, so we’re chatting.

Tom told me of an awesome idea he had. He said he was gonna surprise me, but decided to tell me about it cuz he was excited about it. He wants to cut a square piece of wood and glue a picture of his choice that I drew onto it. Then he’s gonna trace the lines with a carving knife. How cool!

No barking at all today or this evening. God, please keep it that way! They’ve been great. He hasn’t even sat there gunning that van for 45 minutes.

So, after Tom ate he closed the vents in the bedrooms even more for the second time since it was still an icebox in them. Then he took out the garbage and then we went swimming. Then he came in and played golf on the computer while I gave the birds more birdseed. Shortly after that, he went to bed.

He says he likes the fan being on, too. I didn’t ask him why, so I’ll have to ask him why cuz I’m curious.

Later…

It’s cloudy, windy and drizzling out there now. I love it when it’s brighter at night like it is now, which is weird since it’s cloudy and there’s no moon. I could practically read this out there now. I can see the drain at the deepest part of the pool and can read “paddock pools” printed on the top step. I usually can’t see the drain, let alone read the pool name on the top step.

Later…

I’ve actually come to hope they stick around next door till we move. As far as the dog situation goes, there are other houses where dogs bark way more. The houses 2 and 3 houses down, the old man on the other corner of N. 21 Ave. and W. Weldon. I only hope there are no problems when the weather cools down. On the other hand, Tom said the dogs are out when it’s a scorcher. He’s seen them when he’s gone up on the roof to adjust the cooler and stuff like that constantly. He said as long as they have shade and water, they’re fine. So maybe the winter will be OK. Their first dog was fine last winter. It was only when they first got here that I wanted to kill it. I would prefer to not ever hear other people’s noise or animals, but if it doesn’t get any worse than it has been, great.

Karson’s been a cool phone pal, but I’m gonna do what Andy’s done for over a year and what he says he will always do and that’s to never meet her in person. We like that mystery behind our phone pal, who may also be an occasional pen pal for me too. Andy has other friends that know what she looks like. Supposedly she’s straight, but we hear she’s fat, bald and dyky.

Tom adjusted the vents perfectly this time. It’s very comfy in here, and oh shit! We’re gonna have to get another portable heater. That’s just life.

Later…

I know I’m being a bad girl by smoking in this room. I just get sick of running out back, but I may as well.

Later…

OK, I’m back.

I think tomorrow I’ll take the phone that’s in the bedroom and stick it in here.

MONDAY, AUGUST 14, 1995 I can’t believe how much we did yesterday! Also, I can’t believe the cute neat room I’m in right now was once Tom’s trashed bedroom. I think he misses having even less space to trash, though.

I slept just fine last night. I heard him leave as I was getting up, so we’ll have to see how well he slept when he comes home. He should be home within a half-hour.

I’m amazed at how quiet it’s been in this bedroom so far! I thought I’d have to have the music on constantly to drown out the dogs. Oh, I hope it stays this way!

Anyway, I really hope Tom’s heart is as much in this as mine is and as he says it is.

I would still bet a million bucks that Tom will never let go and cum. I don’t see how this or anything else could change him with that after all this time. Now that we’re sleeping together (almost) he’ll make up some new excuse as to why he’s not cumming. I will try to give him the benefit of the doubt and give it about a month.

The good news is that the baby desire is quite low. As long as I have no reason to believe pregnancy is possible, I like it this way. It makes my life easier and I’m not so anxious, depressed, or bitter with Tom.

There’s still room in here to throw Tom’s bed in here in case one of us is very backed up in our sleep, but I can’t see that happening. I sure hope not as I really love this change!

Later…

Tom’s home now and he slept just fine. I’m cooking us pork chops right now.

Well, I may have an excuse of my own for him not to cum for another 6 months to a year or so. Tammy doesn’t have a date yet, but in either late March or early April, Lisa will be having her Bat mitzvah. Mom and Dad are gonna be there and she’d like us to be there, but it’s too far off to know if we can make it then. It’d be nice to not have a kid so we could go and see everyone at once. Then in the future years, we can either just go to New England or just go to Florida. I’m sure there’ll be no kid and that we can go. Somehow we’ll get there in 1996. How much do you want to bet, though, that if it were our kid, Mom and Dad would never be there no matter where they lived? She said to us on the phone, though, she trusts whatever we do. I’ll have to remind her of that statement and how she raves of Tom and of how far I’ve come if we have a kid by a miracle. I may not even bother, though, if I was pregnant and she gave us any shit. I mean, I may either not bother telling her or defend myself if I do. Why bother worrying about a bridge I’ll never cross? Yes, my very, very strong vibe is setting in. I know he’ll never cum.

Speaking of my other vibes, I hope the results aren’t the opposite of what I feel for Labor Day. Before when I called Barbara, I had a bad vibe but got good results. I hope that cuz I have a good vibe for Labor Day that doesn’t mean that I’ll get nowhere. We’ll see in a few weeks. I left Barbara a message saying I got ahold of Leonard and will let her know if I get any news after I talk to him.

I’m done eating and after Tom gets done eating, we’ll go through the pictures together. There are about 7 I want to get copies of.

Karson tried calling last night, but she obviously called after I crashed.

Tom closed the bedroom vents a little cuz it was an icebox in those rooms.

Tonight, I’m gonna start Sarah’s letter.

Anyway, the bedroom looks a little funny with the two beds side by side like I thought it might, but who gives a shit? It’s our house. In the bedroom, there are also the vanity, the dresser, and a little flowered cardboard chest of drawers. In the music room, as I call it, is the stereo, Tom’s dresser, a night table, the tall bookcase with all the journals, and this table I’m writing on. I began redoing the walls and now there’s plenty of more room on the walls for wall art and puzzles.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 13, 1995 Tom’s setting up the waterbed which we just drained. Once the beds are set up, it should be much easier from there. Then it’ll just be a matter of dusting, vacuuming, and throwing the remainder of our stuff and furniture back into place wherever.

Well, I finished Karson’s letter, throughout all our work. Karson Brewington is her full name. Next, I’ll be doing a letter for Sarah Sandy. I did a 4-page letter for Karson using 6 different fonts. I’ll probably do a 6-page letter for Sarah and we’ll see if she doubles it and sends me a 12-page letter. I wonder if Karson will write me back. We shall soon see.

Andy said he dumped Kim for good (I hope). It’s for two reasons. Cuz she lies and is having a baby she’s too young for and not ready for.

And God doesn’t make any mistakes? I wonder about this one.

He says he wishes it were mine.

Tom told me last night that I don’t even know him sexually yet and that it was impossible for him to “be himself” sexually while we weren’t sleeping together. Time will tell if he’s all talk or not on that one.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 12, 1995 Tom and I spoke to Mom earlier, but Dad was at the flea market. She seemed to be in a really good mood. I asked her if she was used to being married for so long and to ask the same question to Dad. She said they were only dating.

I’ll be 72 when we’re married for 44 years. Damn!

I told her that I put in a request for recipes to her in my letter. During Jewish holidays as I was growing up, we’d have a couple of things that were so good.

In response to my note, Tom said we can begin the preliminary rearranging which needs to be done anyway, then we can decide from there if we want to continue with it. I don’t know. His heart just doesn’t seem into it. We agreed it’ll probably take 1-3 weekends to move all the stuff, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Mr. Instill-Patience-in-Jodi took much longer.

Today’s another fine example of just how much he says he’s interested in sex and wants to do it more often. If this is true, then why is he out watching TV when he’s not working on the back room? Why can’t he make time for us? Well, I can’t force him.

Later we’re going out to develop some film and also pick up some wire earring holders for my beaded lampshade.

Later…

I just finished a letter to Alex. I also did letters for my parents, Tammy and Andy.

When I had given Andy a few NPN envelopes with a letter I had sent Kim in fingerspelling he thought it was really neat. So for his letter, I printed the alphabet, wrote the letters next to each one, then a message for him to figure out. The message said: Tom is eating pizza while I’m typing this letter to my favorite femmy.

It’s hard to believe that I’m only 5 journals away from 100!

Later…

I only have a few minutes to write cuz we’re gonna be leaving.

Today I have letters going out to Andy, Tammy, Alex, Bob, and my parents. Monday I’ll send out letters to Minnie, Kim, Karson, and Sarah, but I’ll explain that later.

Later…

Just got in. We ate, picked up two new journals, and some earring wires.

We also got pictures developed. Some look good and some look shitty.

Sarah, who lives in CA has been a friend of Andy’s for a while. He says she loves to write and will send me double the amount of writing I send her. Andy said she’s read and liked stuff I’ve written before, so I could write to her if I wanted. I’ll be writing to her and to Karson.

Later…

I’ve been up for 12 hours now, so I’m getting sort of tired. I’ve been tired a lot lately and Tom says it’s cuz I stopped my vitamins which is a very big and important thing to keep up on once you begin them. I stopped cuz he accidentally got orange ones. Yuck!

Tom may be a little too non-physical, but not with the back room. He really made some major progress with it and in his room as well.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 11, 1995 Nervous is 54 today and tomorrow’s Fran’s birthday. He’ll be somewhere between 32-34.

Tom surprised me again by agreeing to move his bed and TV in here and my stereo into his room. I wouldn’t be shocked if he waited a while on this one, but that’s cool.

He says he wants sex to be more spontaneous and to be able to wake up horny and have sex every now and then as long as we’re both well-rested. He says this is what he needs to up his sexual drive and to cum. Time will tell if his actions on that will be put where his mouth is. Meanwhile, dealing with not having a kid is still much easier in general and for this I’m grateful.

Later…

I spoke to Andy earlier who had me tape onto his message tape and edit a great convo he and Karson left on his machine last night. I did edit it and I left it on his machine. The pregnant dope child (Kim) left him two messages.

We were talking the other night about how if someone were to try to kick that baby right out of her stomach, I’d cheer them on. Where do you draw the line between not telling others what to do with their lives, and kids/druggies/abusers having kids? This burns me up even if I didn’t ever want a child. I know all too well what it’s like to be an unwanted child and there are just too many of them. Not to mention those born to the other types of people I just mentioned.

Anyway, Andy mentioned something about her being over at their other friend’s places and that maybe she lied about being pregnant (I hope). He also said she said they were all trying to beat her up at one point and that she ran for her life and mentioned going back to her dad’s in CA. This is the one that also lies all the time. So her first message said, “I suppose you’re mad at me, but please call me.”

The other one mentioned her going to St. Joe’s Hospital.

We got the 5 books of sticker stamps we ordered. They’re so much better than regular stamps.

Got a letter from Alex which he did on his work computer at work. It was nice with a cartoon character, then - Greetings from Vermont. It was a full-page letter. He says he still likes sending regular letters every so often besides email. I’ll send him a regular letter, too. It’ll give him a chance to see some new address labels.

We sent email messages to each other today. His job’s OK, but he’s very lonely. I think he wishes he was married and had kids. He sure does want to be with someone long-term, though. He also says he asked Kim over the TTY why their encounters never took a serious turn. I don’t think Alex is Kim’s type.

Later…

Tom got home a half-hour ago. He picked up something from Arby’s and got me KFC.

What a case of “Bronco Piggy” earlier, too. After we ate, I brought him out to the living room floor where he got all playful and hyped up with running around. They shake their heads, jump, and buck when they’re playful.

He’s finally starting to use his new burrow. I guess it was just that the heavy wood was overwhelming to him after being so used to flimsy cardboard ones.

Later…

Last night Andy had a wonderful 35-minute conversation with Barbara Nicks (Stevie’s mother). He said he was really nervous talking to her. As nervous as he’d be talking to Stevie. Then he said she said not to be nervous at all cuz she’s just like any other person. She knows of his friend Michelle from her store in Payson, AZ where I guess she sells decorative stuff mainly. Michelle brought her some Halloween decorations, went trick or treating at her house once, and Barbara says she’ll put her stuff on display this Halloween. He told her his name and number and truthfully how he got her number. Michelle had a business phonebook with a 1976 listing of it.

Andy wouldn’t tell her, of course, about stealing Stevie’s garbage and all the information he’s now got.

Barbara told him she just listened to Stevie’s latest demo and that he’ll be happy to know she’s written some beautiful songs. Barbara said she’d love to hear the many bootleg songs he’s got. I advised him to wait on that and to be careful. He shouldn’t lend his original copies cuz he doesn’t know if she won’t return them. She was surprised he knew Stevie’s address, saying she had thought it was a well-guarded secret. He assured her, though, that he’d never invade her privacy.

Anyway, he says she was very sweet and that he could call anytime he wanted. Cool. Just maybe he will meet Stevie someday if he gets chummy with Barbara.

Oh, I just can’t fucking wait till after Labor Day! I hope to hell that when I call him, he doesn’t brush me off as I feared Barbara M would.

I tossed an idea at Tom who said that should be spontaneous, too. My idea was to start the kid next June (like he really ever could!). Why? Cuz that’d give us more time to have a life, and have each other without a third party in the way full-time (I hope I won’t feel that way, though). To let us adjust to sleeping together or in the same room. To give us a better chance of seeing my family in May. Lastly, to avoid being at the end of the pregnancy during the hottest part of the year. Then again, I wouldn’t be going out very often at all if I was pregnant and I certainly wouldn’t be in a bikini tanning! Anyway, the spontaneity of it does sound good and it’d be also just as easy for me to find reasons not to have a kid for 10 years. Or right now. Or never.

Later…

Tom and I were just discussing the last of the room arranging details. It oughta be done over the next 1-3 weekends. We are gonna drain and move the waterbed down so we can lay our beds side by side. For the most part, neither of us will be in here except to sleep.

I just really hope to hell this works out. Our new arrangement, I mean. I don’t see why it shouldn’t. Hopefully, the next step will be to drain the waterbed to put the one we want in the waterbed frame and move his to wherever.

I also hope it won’t be years before we can get that mattress, better yet move! On the other hand, the move’s gonna be a bitch and I feel really bad about it. It was all my idea and my idea only and I know he’s not looking forward to this. The guy’s busy enough with enough projects. So we wait a year or two for the bed we want and the kid - big deal. And you know my opinion about his cumming and the kid. It’s not gonna happen. I don’t want a kid bad enough to slave him through the ground like that.

I just put the cooler on for fresh air and man is it humid out!

I began letters to Tammy and my parents today. I still have Andy’s to do, as well as one for Alex.

Later…

I just left him a note concerning all my thoughts about the rearranging. He’ll probably be getting up before me. This way he’s had time to think about it. I need and want the final decision to be his. Right now, I feel as if he’s doing this all for me, just to make me happy. It’s like how I feel about sex. It’s all for me and to please me only, which would be fine with anyone else.

Well, I’ve got to go change channels on the VCR for stuff I’m recording.

Later…

Wrong. I don’t have to change channels till 9:00. It sure is windy as all hell out there now. I wonder how the TV reception will be. Well, these aren’t movies I’m just dying to see, so if they don’t come out well - fine.

Anyway, Tom is the most confusing and strangest person I’ve ever known as far as sex goes. If I could only make love to Tom on a bed of nails at planned times, I’d still have no problem with it and getting off cuz I love him. Isn’t what’s in your heart and mind supposed to be what really counts when you love someone and are in a relationship, making getting off all the easier and more natural? If you hate the person or aren’t attracted to them, or both, then I can see there being a big problem. He told me yesterday he needs to sleep with me in order for things to change sexually, meaning for him to cum. That’s not what he usually says. Why does he have to keep changing his story on this? Is it part of a game? What does he really want from me? He’s told me, but obviously, I’m either not able to deliver and please him in ways, or he’s not making himself clear enough to me. I like to take care of myself most of the time still, but I wouldn’t be surprised if we were sleeping together and there were a series of new excuses for not having too much sex and no cumming. What about earlier tonight for example? There was plenty of time for way more than just a quickie, but all he did was the TV and the computer in between our discussions.

Anyway, here’s a list of some of my own projects that I want to do. As far as taping goes, I still need to do more editing and more medley work. There are more beading ideas to try out, as well as making that beaded barrette off of the bead loom. Gotta experiment with that Melody Maestro and maybe write some more lyrics. Gotta finish copying my story, and I know there are other things to be doing. I still haven’t decided on what I’ll do with the 100 pages or so that’ll remain in 91, but I’ll come up with something.

Did I write about the lampshade I decorated yet? I’m hanging strands of beads off of it with earring wires.

I decided not to bother with making an up-duct mobile.

Now it’s time to change channels, so I’ll be right back.

Later…

Fuck changing channels. The reception’s pretty lousy. Thank God there’s no movie in which I felt I just absolutely had to see.

Well, it looks like today is the day I’ll be going onto journal 95. I didn’t think I’d get to it till Monday.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 10, 1995 Got a letter from Bob today in which he also enclosed that letter he got from Minnie saying she was cutting him off for her son’s sake. So basically, Minnie got nasty on Bob while she was doing what she had to do, huh? I read the letter to Kim and Andy cuz we all talked today (the Kim from Massachusetts) I played Kim part of Sally’s tape and now that I know Andy’s friend has a few copies, he’s gonna give me one to send to Kim.

She was looking up drugs in her medical book on stuff Stevie’s taking when our discussion began with some interesting experiences she’s had in the ER. This woman had had kids, and naturally, kids make you fat. So when she was in the triage area, she was told she was pregnant and she didn’t even know it. Another woman was so fat, didn’t know it, came into the ER with abdominal pain and had a baby 5 minutes later. So I asked her if they got their periods and she said they had gotten all or some of them, but that they were really light. She said no, that’s not the norm but it does happen, and I guess she would know being a nurse and all that. I asked her how the blood flow doesn’t end up flushing it out, and she said it can, but not necessarily if the period is light. I once knew a woman who I met a week before she had a kid and I had no idea she was pregnant cuz she was so fat.

Later…

I asked Kim what she thought of our cases about Robin and Greg since we’ve both been forgetting to mention it. I also updated her on my call to Leonard K and she thought it was cool.

Yesterday, after Andy read me a half-crazy, half-sexual letter he’s mailing to Sarah in CA and told me he was on the phone for an hour with a DJ at KHITS who was cracking up about it, we called Tammy. We all teased each other and talked about stuff in general.

Tammy asked Andy what he wants to do to make more money, but he hasn’t a clue. Then Tammy goes, “At 33 years old, you haven’t figured it out yet?”

Then I said it took her till she was 38. She said that was due to her having kids. True. Plus, if I were in her shoes I’d want to stay home, too. Even so, I get awfully sick of hearing Tammy judging people. Why doesn’t she just worry about her own damn self for a change and forget about what everyone else is up to?

Tom’s home now, so c-ya!

Later…

Last night the not sleeping together was really getting to me. I wish I could just be normal at times. Sleep normally with my husband and have a normal sex life. Instead, we can’t sleep together and I’ve got a guy here who’s hardly ever horny and who doesn’t cum. He’s improving on several things, but as far as sleeping together goes, more sex and the kid, he’s all talk and no action.

Anyway, I told him I had the idea of putting his bed by the waterbed where the stereo is and sticking the stereo in his room. I measured it and it didn’t quite fit in. Again, I ask myself the same thing about sleeping together as with the kid. Do I really want that? Does he? I don’t think either of us is that ambitious or motivated. I also believe at times that something up there doesn’t want us sleeping together and I know it doesn’t want us having a kid.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 9, 1995 What luck I had today! I called Barbara who said she hadn’t heard a word from Charlie. Then as I was chatting with Dad, she beeped in. She gave me the name of the former director whose name is Leonard K, and his address in Florida.

I told her she should be a detective. She said if not that, then in the business of helping people, which she loves to do. I am sooo appreciative of her and will be sending her a thank you card when this is all over.

So, I called information and was able to get his number, so I didn’t have to write to him in Boca Raton, FL. The wife answered after my call was rerouted to an area code in New York. I told her I was calling from Phoenix Arizona with questions about Camp Naomi. I heard her repeat this to Leonard who laughed and asked her if she was serious. When he took the phone, I said hi and that yes, I was serious. I explained my case from the beginning as I did with Barbara, telling him what my last name was at the time, the year it was, little details I could remember about Robin, that I wasn’t sure if that was her name, and that I wanted to find this woman and thank her for helping me through a very troubled time in my life.

To back up a bit, the reason why Barbara beeped in was cuz she had just finally gotten ahold of Charlie.

So he told me to call him in FL after Labor Day, cuz that’s where his records are. So, he does have records - great! It gets even greater, though. I described the cabin she was in and he knew what cabin I was talking about! I’ve gone from finding out the town it was in, to the people involved, and now I’m at the cabin door! Now all I have to do is really get my foot in that cabin door and get a name. A bigger part of me hopes she’s alive so I can thank her. Then I can be left with a new case to work on - finding out who that entity really was.

I was right about another thing. He said that if she wasn’t in a cabin with kids, she had to be a supervisor. Also, she couldn’t have been only 16. She’d have had to be maybe 18-19. He asked if she were attractive. Maybe, but I thought she was more on the plain side.

Anyway, I mentioned that my parents live in FL. He asked where and I told him Palm City. He’s originally from MA and I said, “So, you escaped the cold and snow like I did?”

I guess there were two Camp Naomi’s, cuz at first he asked me if I went to the one in Maine or MA. So, now I’m excited to see what he can tell me after Labor Day. For him to know what cabin I was talking about and have records gives me great hope.

I just finished my last round of antibiotics and Tom’s home now, so I’ll go share the great news with him and finish writing later.

Later…

I just told Tom the news and now he’s eating.

Oh, I wish tomorrow could be about two days after Labor Day, then we could go back to where we are now on the calendar.

Yesterday I called and asked a pharmacist if getting off the Theodur or taking these particular antibiotics could make a period so light that it was a little more than spotting. He said anything’s possible and that anything can affect periods. He also said that serious working out and some women who are weightlifters don’t get them at all. Cool! I asked Tom if he’d worry if I didn’t get periods. He said no. Then why would he prefer me not to take birth control which can stop periods? What’s the difference? He doesn’t want a kid, anyway.

Kim called yesterday and she read me a part of Bob’s corny love letter that she just got. We talked about odds and ends and she says Doug still doesn’t always cum and that when he does, she can’t feel it or tell in any way.

The asshole mailman fucked up yet again. He delivered mail from Australia for that Irene W. I just wrote “redeliver to proper address” on it and will put it out tomorrow. So, this means that if Minnie did send me a letter, someone else got it.

Last night Andy picked up the stuff I said I had for him and left me that teddy. It’s too lacy and my sensitive skin can’t deal with that so he’s gonna give it to Pam.

Today Andy and I both called Tammy, but I’ll write up on it later.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 8, 1995 I’m a little behind in writing, so time to catch up. I’ve been very drowsy since I’ve been taking these antibiotics but feeling better. Nowhere near as congested, and the discharges have stopped.

However, I’ve had the lightest period in about 10 years. I’ve only had brownish-colored spotting since the 5th. I’ll probably end up marking it from the 5th to yesterday or today on the chart. For next year’s periods, I probably won’t bother to chart the number of days from the beginning of a period to the start of one. I am totally shocked, though, that my period hasn’t hit me full blast. My boobs are less tender, though, so I can’t complain about that. Hopefully, it’ll hit me tomorrow so I can get some of this water off of me. It must be due to the antibiotics or getting off the Theodur.

My stomach has felt sooo much better since being off the Theodur and my skin is softer. I don’t know about my nails, though, till I remove my polish. Somehow, I really think that no matter what does or doesn’t go into my body, my nails will never look better and lose their serious ridges.

Tomorrow I’ll be calling the JCC and on the 15th, I’ll schedule another goddamn appointment with Dr. Rugg and believe me, this one’s the last! Again, I wouldn’t be shocked if she were to tell me something was wrong since I now have a life and care about my body. It’s always the ones who don’t give a shit that are healthy. Anyway, I do feel good, just tired.

Later…

I just got off the phone with Bill who said Tammy will be taking some courses at a college. Can’t wait to hear about it. Just a few months ago, though, she was telling me she could never do these kinds of things with kids.

This weekend was great. We had a lot of fun and it was so nice to see Tom not be all too much of a behaved gentleman for a change. In fact, we both got so goofy, that we broke our scale! He weighed himself at 208. Then I weighed myself at 100. Obviously, the scale had a 300-pound limit, cuz when he picked me up and stepped on it after I said I wondered what we weighed together, it broke. So, the next morning we went to Wal-Mart where we got a new scale and a few other things.

He got sports CDs for the computer.

We got a new cushioned toilet seat with a floral pattern on its cover.

I got 4 sheets of 9 really beautiful cat stickers.

I also got 4 puzzles with a neat offer inside. After you’ve gotten 8 puzzles, you can send in for a picture which they’ll make into a puzzle.

It all began when I saw the table Tom built and said it’d be a neat puzzle table. That gave Tom an idea. Instead of putting that table in the back room, we put the one back there that’s in the living room. That way he can pile up all his junk on that. So, we got a couple of cans of spray paint. I wanted neon pink. The cover looked neon pink and the name of it was Pasadena Pink, but it looks more like a neon red. It still looks great, though, and is perfect for puzzle-making. The only bad thing about it is its coarse texture.

I got two cat puzzles, a dog puzzle, and a teddy bear puzzle. I’ve already done the cat one (one of them) which is in the living room. The other 3 will be going in my room.

Tom also built Piggy a burrow, but I’ve only seen him in there once. Tom says he thinks it’s cuz of the heat and to give it time.

Saturday, I got a manila envelope from Kim containing about 6 letters I sent her and about 10 letters she got from Bob. I put mine in NPN envelopes. Bob’s letters were so typical, yet so funny. There were some really funny and corny lines and drawings. I’m giving Andy my NPNs to mail, Bob’s letters, and the scale I had and used until I moved in here.

Real early this morning Andy told me he found a black lace teddy in 100% fine condition that’s my size in the dumpster. He will be bringing me that.

He also said, “This may sound bizarre, but I’ve got Greg trapped in the walls.” Then he proceeded to tell me how he accidentally discovered a hole in his bathroom wall where a dent had been made. He said there was a round adhesive disk covering it which would fall off. So, after he glued it on he says he’s never sensed Greg and his TV reception is fine. The times it’s fallen off, though, he says was a different story. Lately, Andy hasn’t felt like dealing with Greg.

He said that he and Michelle (who he thinks may be gay but is only 20 and perhaps in the closet) have an idea. To go over to Sally’s house and say that she’s been sending the same tape and that Stevie would like to hear something different and that they’re Stevie’s people sent to deliver this message. I didn’t know this, but Andy says that every two weeks she mails the same exact tape and has already sent about 5 hoping she’ll eventually get a response. Andy said that what he thinks happened is that when Stevie got Sally’s first tape and letter, she realized how whacked she is and told her assistant to ditch anything from Sally Schaefer without even opening it. Anyway, they found one opened package from Sally which was probably one of those same tapes. Andy believes that due to it arriving while Stevie was out of town, the assistant got curious, opened it, and kept the tape.

Later…

Spoke to Andy for an hour. Maybe more. I can totally relate to what he was pissed off about. He told the exterminator to come after 3:00 since he doesn’t usually get up till after noon. They said that would be no problem, but what did they do? Came at 11:00. I would’ve been just as pissed and I used to be at the Vista Ventana when I told them to come after 2:00 or 3:00 and they came at 10:30. I had to dance that night, too.

I had a very good talk with Bob yesterday for about 20 minutes. He said he had taken 150 envelopes and drawn all of them up one night and he’s sorry and it won’t happen again. I’m glad we got this misunderstanding cleared up and that it won’t happen again, as I miss him as a pen pal.

I teased him about having one too many and he giggled despite his situation and really misses that. He even said in Kim’s letters how he missed my funny sayings.

He says he’s in a 2-man cell with others in his area in for the same thing.

He’s sending me a letter he got from Minnie (who I haven’t heard from) that he wants to be sent back after I read it. Cool.

Tom estimated that I smoke $50 worth of cigarettes a month and that if I quit, I should take that money to buy doggie mugs, journals, CDs, art stuff, clothes, whatever I want. Oh, I wish!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 5, 1995 Yesterday I was up 18 hours, so I wasn’t too happy when I awoke only 6 hours later. I awoke at 8:30, but I managed to nap from about 11 PM - 1 AM. I’m still groggy and still waking up, so I will return later.

Later…

I’m making pork chops right now and Tom should be getting up anytime now. The timer gets stuck and I don’t know if I can wash it or what, so I’ll ask him what he thinks is best later.

It looks like my period’s beginning two days earlier, but fine, I’ll get it over with.

I worked out, swam, cleaned the bathroom, and talked to Andy.

I had a nice realization earlier. I feel that getting off the Theodur is such a great accomplishment. Not a hard and challenging one, but something I’ve hoped I could someday do, and now I’ve only got 3 more goals left - the singing, the kid, and quitting smoking. I don’t think numbers 2 and 3 are possible, but I sure thank God for this climate and the Phase-Out. Also, how it’s been easier in general to deal with having no kid. I still don’t feel like I want a kid 100% of the time. There are times, depending on my mood, schedule, etc., when I’m glad I don’t have one. This is the way I see it - That I can either have a kid, or Tom, family, friends, vacations, the business, the singing, other hobbies, and life. The way I wish I could see it is that I could have it all. Tom believes we can have a kid and all the other things in life we want. I guess the reason why I see it as one or the other is due to what Tammy’s said, and other mothers. I also want to stay 100 pounds and not have my skin made worse than it already is. I have a few hundred stretch marks from all the weight I lost 10 years ago. Do I need to go and make it a few million?

I had a funny dream during my nap. Tom and I were at home, but the house didn’t quite look like this one. I had just gotten up and went into the kitchen where Tom was. He told me there was surprise company waiting in “the den” for me. I thought to myself, I just got up, so I didn’t have time to straighten up. As if Tom knew what I was thinking, he said, “Don’t worry. I already neatened stuff up.” So the den, which was a room about the size of my bedroom, was where I proceeded to go. I opened the door and there were my parents. I think Tammy was there too. Then Tom came in, sat down and joined us. The next thing I knew, Tom’s underwear was on the floor and I was trying to kick it under furniture and hide it any way I could.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 4, 1995 I’ve heard all of Sally’s tape and it’s so pitiful, that it’s so funny. Tom’s heard it too, and I’ve begun editing it. Andy may come over tonight, so if he does, he can hear what I’ve begun. I told Tammy about it and played her a clip of it. I’ll tell my parents about it and play them some eventually, too.

The antibiotics haven’t been affecting me in any bad way, so that’s good. The discharges I’ve been having down there, which weren’t like yeast infection discharges are gone and my cough and congestion are much better, too. I’m glad Dr. Rugg gave me the antibiotics cuz I feel so much better.

Later…

I’m so bored now, but not quite ready to go to sleep. Plus, it wouldn’t hurt to push my schedule up a bit since Bob’s probably gonna call me on Monday. On the other hand, Bob’s not the most important thing to me and he knows to keep trying if he can’t reach me right away.

We have tentative plans to go to CA in late October for about 6 days. Despite all the fun things we’d see and do, Tom told me something (without making promises which is good) that sounds great and even romantic, but that’s pure bullshit. He’s here on the bed with me right now, so I’ll write about it later.

Later…

Tom reminded me that a non-stressful situation is what he needs to cum, but that due to the job change and whatever else, he’s been more stressed out. So, he tells me that with things falling into place (his job/the business) and us having a fun and relaxing vacation where we sleep together, it may help him to cum. Even if I were ovulating at the time we went - no way! I know him better.

Anyway, I still can’t wait to go to CA whenever we do go. We’ll probably go to L.A., then The Walk of Fame, Disneyland and maybe Sea World. But is that Disneyland or Disneyworld? I forget. We may also stop at Steven, Carol and Matthew’s house in Fresno.

Tom didn’t win anything last night at the Greyhound racing track where he went with Steven and his family. His parents were also there, along with David, Mary and her husband Dave.

I quickly spoke to Andy last night and played him the few minutes of Sally edits I’ve got so far. He was cracking up.

I want to try to stay up as long as I can so I sleep later and can hang out with Tom more this weekend. He said it’s no big deal and I know that, but I like hanging out with him.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 3, 1995 In Kim’s last letter to me, she said she and Alex really did get it on with each other once or twice in Chicago. Wow.

I sent her a copy of my case and Andy’s but haven’t heard anything about it. I’ll have to ask her what she thinks in my next letter.

At this point I almost never sense Robin and I also don’t think I’ll ever find out any more info about her.

Tom was shocked they let Andy keep his voicemail when he already owes the phone company so much. They did, though. He paid $50, it’s $6 a month for his long-distance block and he’s got to pay $100 every month on the 15th.

I did call and wish my nephew Larry a happy birthday, who is 15. He was at home making sausages, but Larry, Sandy and Jenny were out.

Hurricane Erin went through Florida, but luckily it was no big deal and was only graded as a tropical storm. I spoke to my mom and sister today and everyone’s OK.

I began my two different antibiotic pills today which is so much better than that messy crotch cream. However, it may have been responsible for giving me what looked like 20 or so bug bites. After I threw some hydrocortisone cream on them, they went away, so we’ll see. I called the pharmacist who said I could take Benadryl with it if I need to.

I saw an amazing movie earlier that was based on a true story. It was about a charter plane back in 1988 in Hawaii with 5 crew members and 95 passengers. A portion of the cabin roof ripped off and only one crew member died. Everyone else lived. It was quite amazing to see some of them flying with no roof over their heads.

Andy came over tonight with those 4 shirts and Sally’s tape. I only kept one shirt. A white cotton short-sleeved one with 2 lace-trimmed pockets in front.

I haven’t listened to more of Sally’s tape yet, but Andy agreed with what Tom suggested. We’re not gonna send an edited version to her cuz we don’t know if she’s whacked out enough to hurt Stevie. It’s also not worth my spending money on a tape and 3 stamps on a stranger.

We went skinny dipping and he said I still had a nice ass and didn’t look fat or flabby. Well, that’s nice and I started exercising again and I already feel much better and firmer.

The antibiotics have even begun helping my cough and congestion already. I could’ve used a round of antibiotics for that a few months ago, actually.

After Andy told me that his 18-year-old druggie friend Kim is pregnant, we went and played cards, then he left.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 2, 1995 I finished typing up that big huge journal (92).

Today, my nephew Larry’s 15, I believe. I’ll see if I have the time to call, but I don’t know. I’ll probably sleep all day, then get up and go to his parent’s house to see Steven.

Everyone except Bob got another round of letters this week. Tom showed me how to insert my animal drawings into my letters which is really easy. So, my parents, Tammy, Larry, Kim, Minnie, and Andy will have letters going out tomorrow. Tom went to bed after he showed me how to do this and I did him a quick sample letter of what I’m sending to others.

Speaking of Tom - sometimes I feel like I’m with an old man here. He’s tired a lot and certainly has no juice for more sex like he says he wants. I think that’s just talk, though.

I also forgot to mention this - I asked him a few days ago if he’d feel bad if it were me who never came. He said no, but I find that hard to believe.

I spoke to Dr. Rugg’s nurse. I’ve got to get 2 antibiotics for downstairs which she says will kill anything going on down there. She also says no intercourse 3-4 days before another mid-cycle exam. So, mid-cycle this month or next, I’ve got to have another fucking pap smear! Shit!

I do have good news, though. I haven’t spoken with Andy yet to know how he worked this out, but he’s getting his phone back today! He must be getting only local service as I did in S Deerfield when “Maria S” got her $1,700 phone bill.

There’s something else I forgot to write that Tom said he feared. This one’s so ridiculous, it’s almost funny. He fears how I’d react if I ever found out I was pregnant. I told him I couldn’t imagine how I’d react in a situation I’ve never been in. (probably shocked, though) And I sure as hell have an even harder time imagining how I’d react in a situation I know will never happen. It’s just another excuse. And another cover for his game of pretending he’ll cum someday and we’ll have a kid.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 1, 1995 As figured, another month has passed without me getting pregnant. The good news is, though, I’m finding it easier to accept.

Tom never brought up my letter about adopting. Instead, he just went on with saying what he’s always said about it - it can happen, but let it happen in its own time. And he doesn’t want to intentionally put it off. Mhm.

Anyway, I now realize more than ever that if I want to be with this man who I love so much, I’m just gonna have to play along with his game. I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do, no matter what he says.

We did have fun for the first time in what seems like ages. We started off screwing till he conked out right before I was gonna go over the edge, so he finished me off orally.

Still no Theo and feeling fine! I began working out again seeing how my legs look absolutely horrible.

It fucking figures, but Dr. Rugg’s office left a message today. Damn! It’s one thing after another. I don’t want to go back for the third time.

The trail’s gone cold as far as finding out if Robin’s name is really that, let alone if she’s dead or alive. I called Barbara and she says she’s still waiting to hear from Charlie who’s on vacation. She transferred me to an Alan M who knew nothing about it and said the JCC didn’t technically own Camp Naomi. He said they were affiliated with it and mentioned the JBW (Jewish Board of Welfare) in New York having something to do with it, but that he could guarantee me they wouldn’t have any records. Barbara said there’s still Charlie to hope for that he’ll know something and not to give up.

I haven’t sensed Robin at all lately. It’s like she’s gone. Gone forever.

Later…

I sure did a lot of typing tonight. In a day or two, I expect to be done typing journal 92.

Andy called earlier saying he was ready to commit suicide due to his $154 electric bill. He said the whole apartment’s half the size of our back room. Damn, that’s small! Despite that, though, and running it on low cool and number 3 out of 10, that’s how high his electric bill is. He said his apartment manager won’t let him out of his lease, but that he can’t afford to move now anyhow.

Meanwhile, he’s job hunting and is gonna give them our number for messages. He didn’t want to tell them he didn’t have a phone, but he said he has an answering machine. He said I don’t even have to talk to him, just let them leave their message or tell me their name and number and I’ll let Andy know about it.

Got a letter from Kim who had a scary experience. A 16-year-old girl ran out in front of her car. She survived but is at fault and Kim said 1 out of 5 witnesses was a cop.

So, I wrote her another letter and I finally decided to write to Bob. I gave him two choices if he wants to resume our friendship. To either write and draw on his envelopes to me so I can dump him again. Or to not do so and have me as a friend and a pen pal again. I’m almost certain he will write back.

I know I’ll never get a letter from Tammy or Lisa, but where’s Minnie’s letter? I hope to hear from her soon. I hope I get a letter from Bug soon, too.

Dr. Rausch had given me a peak flow meter to measure my breathing. After I exercised, I got it up higher than it’s been so far to 340. It was usually around 300. It’s supposed to be 413.

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