#i've expressed this before

[monster-noises]

Alright sure fine

I'll link several emotions together in one post and leave it there hows that.

This is one of those times where I was very charged up earlier today but the moments kinda passed so now my thoughts and feelings aren't as fine-edged-sharp and crystal clear, but I still think I should try and get this out of my body for a bit..

So you'll have to pardon the fact that i'll be sifting through the muck and it may not be the smoothest most eloquent read. Not that you have to read this, I mostly just need to expunge my bile into the void where someone could theoretically see it. A little fun trick I like to play on my brain that actually usually works.

In case you were wondering why i post so bare faced about my emotions so often.....

Regardless I.. hm.

Well, perhaps it is best to just cut right to it. One of the its at least.

Something I've been dealing with, for a very long time, but extra... Pointedly of late, is this feeling that's been hard to express without most probably deeply insulting my friends.

But I think i've routed it out into a shape that.. covers the emotion and also Doesn't Do That.

And it's like.. I wish. Mm. I wish I knew How To Feel Cared About?

Because I don't. And not knowing what that's Supposed to feel like makes it really hard in this part of my life I'm in to tell if the problem is me not Receiving Love and Care properly when it is entirely present in my life, or if there really is problem and I am right to feel like my social needs are not being met even if I know Practically that my friends all Do love and care about me.

It was an easy feeling to calculate when i didn't really have friends, like obviously i don't feel cared for, i've got (almost*)no one caring about me! But I Have friends now, good friends, great friends, best friends!

And yet. I'm. As lonely and isolated as I've ever been. Constantly plagued by a hollow feeling of.. Missing Something, of simply being Empty and Cold

And is that me? Is that my fault? Am I just not Processing or feeling things correctly? Have I wiggled myself into a social role that says 'hey haha! You don't Have to think of me it's cool!'?? Is it on me for being too quiet? But if I speak up I'll be too much! I know I Also don't reach out much (which is the damn rub of the whole thing, I'll get there in a bit...) but I also feel so often... Unimportant, background, special but not special Enough for anyone to keep me abreast of what happens in their lives. And it's all my fault and I'm gross and cruel for feeling this way.

Which is why i feel safer posting about it on tumblr instead of speaking to my friends about it.

Because it's a Huge Problem but also it's not their problem it's my problem I couldn't possibly ask anything of them they do so much already, I mean they're my friends and I know they love me and Sometimes we hang out and that should be more than enough right????? RIGHT?????? shouldn't I feel good and satisfied from that????

Shouldn't that cover my social and emotional needs? Even if I go most days of the week without talking to anyone so any contact I eventually get feels like i'm desperately coming up for a few brief gasping seconds of air? Even though I spend an unreasonable amount of time paralyzed by the yawning ache in my heart for Contact Please Someone Come Sit With Me And Listen To Me And Care! Isn't that my own fault? Isn't that on me for ignorning how much my friend's Do care about me and show it, because I haven't said anything in all that time either right!? They're busy! We're all adults and it's hard to find time and energy to reach out and be social, everyone has a million things going on all the time so like really sometimes I should be the one reaching out but in that same vein; is that my place? I don't want to bother them.. to intrude when it's not my Alotted Time. Wouldn't it be more appropriate and respectful to their time and energy to not demand they spend it on You? To speak only when spoken to and be Chill and Cool And Needless even when you're Screaming Screaming Screaming for someone to hear you

Not even to vent, though my struggle to be vulnerable directly to people's faces continues to be a large impassable aspect of this issue, but just be seen and heard and taken an interest in. I'm always there to Hear, to listen to and offer insight toward, to witness and to be Audience but so rarely feel like I can Show or be Watched in turn. But is that even true? My friend's do Know what I like don't they? They'll listen, they have listened, I'm sure they have.. but I still feel like I have to hide it, protect it, patience for me is limited and I have to spend it wisely, like they don't need that they don't want to hear it. (Would it suprise you to know i've been told this directly more than once by different people?)

And what do I even Want? Then? If "my needs are not being met"? (We have gotten back to it) Because goodness knows i am also prey to the aforementioned limited time and energy, I already loose so much of my art to work and the daily maintenance of being Alive, do I want people coming in More Often to take that time now too? Even texts! Even texts can take so much of something so limited and precious to me.. what matters more being social or my lifes true passion? What a horrendous question to have to ask. To choose one core need but smother the other. What a curse, and I can see myself, still, choosing art far more often, against my my own more desperate needs. Even if I so very badly want to go out and absorb the world with my friends I need to be with my art instead, perhaps to me detriment.

Ultimately, I guess, I want to feel like people are there. Even when they aren't. Human Object Permanence of some kind. And yeah, maybe getting more time with people, whether the cost of that time is solved or not I just want Contact, regular Contact two-way Contact. But is this all on me to start feeling what my friend's are already doing? Or should I reach out and ask for more? I don't know! I could not tell you!

Over and over and over these same two feelings in different skins smashing over me, crashing so loud I can't get my own words in; I Do Not Feel Cared About - Do You Know What Being Cared About Feels Like

And then god.. the further questions that spiral out and out and out from here.. is this vacuous hole I feel, this unfulfillment socially, the reason I hurt so much for romance? Because it feels so much like the most direct route to being Known and ensuring at least one person thinks of me as Immutably Important (would my friend's not already say I am that to them? Would they not be hurt by the implication that I think they don't feel this way? Why does the thought of that only make me feel worse, more guilt ridden, and not stronger in the feeling that they care? Why do I only have one reaction to Everything; to bury myself in guilt and shame) Should this idea deter me from seeking romance at all? Like sort this out before I go after that kind of relationship? Perhaps that would be wise.. but trying to put down that desire, to focus on being single and engaging exclusively in the intimately platonic, feel like a lie? Feel like a cover up? Like i've pulled out an organ and set it on the table and am trying to ignore like I didn't just pull it out of myself? I feel I have reached to feverish a pitch of being without a partner, I can't Not at least try and find someone. The yearning is simply too great, to loud, to hot. If I ignore it I risk being swallowed up in it completely.

But why? One person can't solve all my problems or meet all my needs and the needs I need met are all part of the earlier problems mentioned that do not specifically need to be met by a romantic partner to Be met?? So why bother going for romance at all??

Can I not just.. want it? Can that not be reason enough? I know I am comfortable engaging just as intimately as I would with a partner with a friend, but there is a tangible difference in Intent and I want That Difference. Even if there is no answer to the logic behind it. But still would it make a difference? Do you think having a specific kind of relationship will magically make you know what feeling cared for Feels Like? ....

I mean I used to not know what sexual atteaction felt like and then one video game man appeared and Boom suddenly I Did so like......... It's Possible.

Okay Perhaps, but like it's still not the most likely that it's just going to go away because now there's a Boy around to Kiss, in fact knowing me it may get Worse, even, so like what? Like what???? We also can't keep going on just Yearning like this. It hurts so much to feel this lonely.

(Valentines is in 3 days and I have the worst sinking feeling that it's going to be very tough this year)

Not that it really matters anyway because no one has expressed interest in me, everyone I've met on dating apps, and note; it's Not very many people, has either ghosted me, I've ghosted them (not usually on purpose) or we've miraculously stayed in contact but slipped right into just being Pals and Friends. No one has reached out with anything resembling explicit romantic interest, and it really doesn't feel like they're ever going to. And I know I should ditch the apps and go out and Participate, but When I ask you, same as before, what Time do I have? And where do I Go? i've tried to find events in my city that I would fit into, and they either don't exsist or exsist only at times and price ranges completely inaccessible to me. Not to mention events I Have gone to have ended in me passing through not talking to anyone because I'm just not good at introcutory conversations, rarely do I have anything to say, and I really only feel comfortable engaging when approached, It feels presumptuous and creepy to do the approaching.. which sounds, I imagine, an eerily familiar echo of earlier points. And so I'm stuck. I cannot win. I feel unable to act or take control and so I sit in silence and the hole inside me gets bigger and I feel less and less like a person everyday.

Fundamentally I'm at odds with myself.

I have all these wants and needs and desires that feel unfulfilled but do not believe I can or should need to ask for them (because they aren't 'unfulfilled', not because people should just ~know~ they are there). And so I cannot make myself believe they are even real, or at least that they are unfullfilled, and that it's simply me being obstinant and slefishly blind.

I understand I am not an Undesireable person per say, I am Niche and that's fine, but I feel undeniably that I am still not a person who Is/Can Be Desired, and that's a different thing entirely from being desireable.

There are no primary and secondary "characters" in real life, and while there are certain forms of 'social heirarchy' that are kinda real i am not Fundamentally and Automatically ""below"" everyone around me either by my being who i am or some kind of weird illogical ~noble choice~, but it still feels wrong of me to be forward, like I'm being cruel and controlling and dominating by speaking about myself in any capacity, or asking for things or speaking first, to dare to take on any roll that does not feel not... submissive but subjucative, as if Apologising for existing by exsisting as little as possible, by only exsisting when it is permissible for me to exsist, when I have been told it is okay, to never insert myself unannounced. (Which, as I shockingly have not mentioned yet, is completely counterproductive to my cause as it creates, from the outside, this image that I, maybe, don't care. Or at least I care but I do not Need that much. I imagine I'm read less as a loyal hound awaiting instruction, and more an aloof cat that needs to coaxed from his hiding place)

There is no point to close this off. No turn around epiphany of my hope for healing or what to do. There's maybe a quiet desperate cry for help and instruction, and a whispered hope that I haven't gravely insulted my friends who read through this. I know you all do love and care about me, and I'm sorry I struggle to receive that. I love and care about you too, and hope that you're able to recieve it in full.

But there's no big grand ending here with some optimistic bend. Just me alone in my bedroom at 2:17am, tangled up in knots, not really knowing what to do about anything at all.

[journey-to-the-attic]

merry christmas! 🎄

[trans-axolotl]

my gendered experience growing up as an intersex person was overwhelmingly defined by my responses and resistance to everything that got me labeled as a failure: failure to quickly get a gender assigned at birth, failure to go through a normal puberty and grow up into a woman, failure at meeting the standards for "complete womanhood" because of my intersex sex traits, and yet simultaneously failing to ever be acknowledged as a "real man" and being treated as a threat when I expressed I wanted to transition.

before i realized i was a man and came out as trans, the ways that girlhood was denied to me was very often humiliating and painful. locker rooms filled with other girls were a frequent source of shame. there were many big and small ways that i was told that my intersex body made me insufficient, incomplete, broken. i was forced onto estrogen, forced into shaving my body hair, and was constantly being told to change myself to better fit this mystical idea of a "normal woman." and even though I ultimately ended up becoming a man, the denial of girlhood was painful.

but i think that these things would have been even more difficult to navigate as an intersex girl if on top of everything I already said, i was having to cope with the denial of my girlhood while i was forced into boys locker rooms. if my doctors were forcing me onto testosterone hrt and refusing to even discuss estrogen, if all my legal paperwork had "M" on it and was a logistical nightmare to change, if every support group for my intersex variation labeled it as a "men's support group," if the LGBTQ community spaces i tried to join were misogynistic towards me often to the point of exile, if my self determination as an intersex girl was denied in most spaces of my life, and on and on and on. while listing all these things out i also don't want to make it seem like it's all about suffering and pain--so much of transition for me has been about joy in my self determination and how much it feels like a reclamation of autonomy to decide what I want my body and self to be like--i know this is an experience i share with so many of my trans intersex friends.

as an person who was AFAB, although there were many ways that trying to grow up as an intersex girl were a painful, logistical nightmare, many times and places that i was excluded from woman's spaces, etc. however, there was a simultaneous affirmation that i was right to strive for that in the first place. which is logic rooted in some fucked up compulsory dyadism, but also which would have made some things slightly easier or even possible at all if i had wanted to embrace being an intersex girl within this fucked up system.

pretty much every time i've seen people on tumblr talking about "afab transfems" in an intersex context, people seem happy to collapse these experiences and act like there's no meaningful distinction or point in distinguishing between different types of intersex embodiment. it seems incredibly extractive, to be perfectly honest with you--taking terms already used by a community to make meaning of their experiences and to expand and dilute that term enough that it means something pretty different than the original.

it's making me think about the concept of epistemic injustice, which is a term coined by Miranda Fricker to describe oppression related to knowledge, communication, and making meaning of the world. There's two subtypes of epistemic injustice: testimonial injustice and hermeneutical injustice. Testimonial injustice refers to the dynamic where marginalized people are labeled as not credible, excluded from conversations, and their testimony and knowledge is labeled as unreliable, even when they're the ones who are experts and have first hand experience of what people are talking about. (this is why i probably won't make this post rebloggable--i've noticed this pattern on tumblr many times where trans men speaking about transmisogyny get lots of notes and are given a lot of grace, where trans women are silenced, attacked for not having perfect wording, and otherwise delegitimized.)

the second type is called hermeneutical injustice. it describes how marginalized people are denied the right to make sense of the experiences in their own lives. this can look like preventing people from building community, terminology, a political understanding of themselves, and the interpretive resources needed to process how you live in the world.

this is a form of injustice that I think almost all intersex people are very familiar with--we are denied community and interpretive resources to the point that we're told we don't even exist, that intersex isn't a real word, and so many more examples that leave us isolated and with very few options for understanding what we're collectively experiencing. as an intersex person i really intimately understand how frustrating, confusing, and painful it is to not have words for your experiences, your identity, your life.

so it makes me really sad and pissed off when it seems like intersex people seem to be replicating this exact same type of epistemic injustice towards transfems and specifically towards intersex transfems. pretty much every time recently i see people talking about "afab transfems" they're doing so in a way that seems to deny that trans women even have the right to make sense of their own experiences in the world. there seems to be this mindset that these political frameworks, these interpretive resources that transfems have built up are just up for grabs for anyone. and then on top of that has come with it a lot of cruel, hateful language and direct attacks towards many intersex transfems who are facing so much harassment right now.

an important value to me is this idea of reciprocity as a foundation for solidarity. to me reciprocity means that we're prioritizing the ways we care for each other, we're thinking about how we can uplift each other, and we're watching out for extractive or exploitative patterns where one group is constantly expected to be in "solidarity" with another group without getting the same respect and care back toward them. i think that there could be so many ways that intersex people of all genders could share our overlapping experiences and actually be in true, meaningful solidarity with each other, but i barely ever actually see that happen on tumblr. and that pisses me off, because i do think that there's so much we have in common that we could celebrate and support each other with. i feel so much kinship with so, so many of my trans intersex friends, and ways where i see our lives converge. but i don't think that can happen in an environment where there's no acknowledgment of the ways that our experiences will sometimes (often) differ from each other, and the ways that we have unique needs.

another frustration i've had based on this most recent couple months of transmisogynistic intersex posting on tumblr is how intersex people have been mostly ignoring intersex community resources and devaluing the existing intersex terminology that people created to try to meet our needs. so much of what i've seen people describing on tumblr seems to really line up with the term ipsogender. Ipsogender is a term coined by an intersex sociologist Cary Gabriel Costello, and is used to describe intersex people whose gender matches the gender they were medically assigned at birth, but who might not feel like cis or trans fits them, might experience dysphoria, and who might feel like they've ended up transitioning medically or socially in some ways. this is a word that exists that an intersex person put time into coining because they wanted other intersex people to feel seen, embraced, and have ways of understanding themselves and communicating to others, and that's something that's super meaningful to me! and yet, i've rarely seen anyone reference it, and also seen multiple people making fun of it in other spaces online.

there's also intergender, which is another intersex specific gender term used to describe when your gender is inseparable from your intersex traits, and that your intersex identity is intertwined with your gender identity in some way. some people just identify as intergender, others use it as an adjective and exist as an intergender man or woman. intersex terminology like this is really important to me, especially because we're so often denied the right to make sense of our own experiences.

i think ultimately what i wanted to say with this post is just that when i think about intersex community, some of the most important values of intersex community for me are solidarity, care for each other, and affirming our right to define our own existence. and i don't think that can happen in a community where people are acting in extractive ways, harassing and attacking their fellow community members, and being dismissive of the realities of other intersex people's lives.

[egophiliac]

As someone who hasn’t played the twst game very long I just got into it. I wanted to know about events? Like do some not come back? For example do the Masquerade, Port, Beanfest, Ghost bride, starsending events. Do those come back? I hear people say how they missed their chance to get this great card like as if it won’t ever come back and then someone on Reddit will say something like “Oh beanfest happened twice on the JP server” so which events have gotten reruns so far? I would ask about more recent ones like the Easter one but idk if it’s too recent to know if get rerun or if they clarify that it won’t come back? I was really sad to find out about the Silk outfits I missed out on when they visit the scalding sands. I also was really sad to find out i missed out on the anniversary cards because I didn’t play the game yet. I wish they would add the anniversary cards to the store at least…I want to be apart of the celebration :’)

I was looking in the shop and saw all the different groovy items you need to groovify event cards and this question just came to me so I had the urge to ask someone…

welcome to Twst! 🎉 it is a bit confusing to jump right into, especially because. they're not always consistent. :') it sounds like you're probably playing on Eng, which I'm less familiar with, but I'll try based on what I know! (I also don't always remember everything, so somebody please correct me if I get something wrong!)

first, I do recommend the Twst wiki.gg, which seems to stay pretty up-to-date on events for both the Eng and JP versions! it's a great resource for when you want to see if/when an event ran or rerun. in general, I believe that the Eng version only does reruns that have already happened in JP, so if JP has a rerun that hasn't happened yet in Eng, they should get it too eventually! on the other hand, I don't think either version has ever rerun an event more than once. :( BUT this doesn't mean you're entirely out of luck, because:

anniversary events (March for JP, January for Eng) will usually offer a chance to get both an older event SSR and an older birthday SSR in the shop, via buying a special item with exchange currency (which you get by doing pulls on the anniversary gacha, I think you need to do 100-150 pulls for enough currency to buy the item to exchange for an SSR). only SSRs though, and you're limited to one each (one birthday, one event). so if there's an SSR you REALLY want and it's already had its rerun, it's probably worth planning to save up some keys for!

as for actual reruns, they seem to come in a few different flavors:

straight-up rerun, no changes or extra cards

unchanged event story, with a new SSR of a character who wasn't in the story (e.g. Applepom Jamil)

slightly rewritten event story that includes a new SSR (e.g. Ghost Marriage, they don't seem to do this anymore though)

completely new event story that acts as either a sequel or alternate-universe version of the original (e.g. Beans Day part 2, Fairy Gala IF) (though this is pretty rare and might actually count as a separate event, rather than a rerun?)

Master Chef/Culinary Crucible events have never gotten reruns (though they might start now that we've finally gotten through all the characters in JP, time will tell). birthday and Halloween events will also rerun the previous version in addition to the new one -- for instance, Eng should be getting a Glorious Masquerade rerun this year, followed by the new (Playful Land) Halloween event. and a birthday campaign will, in addition to the new card, have a separate pickup for the previous year's birthday card.

for the specific ones you mentioned -- I think Beanfest, Ghost Bride, Fireworks, and Starsending have already rerun in Eng, so those most likely will not be rerun again (at least not anytime soon). Masquerade should be coming back for you guys this Halloween, and Portfest JUST got its rerun in JP, so that should be coming too sometime in the future! (no new SSR though, alas, I was really hoping for a little marching band sailor boy Leona. 😔) the Easter event is the White Rabbit Fest, right? that one hasn't gotten a rerun in JP yet either, so it's still on the table!

all that said, it's entirely possible they'll change the rules at some point and start doing more reruns/chances to get older event cards, especially since the game's been going on for a few years now and some cards haven't been available for a pretty long time! there's only one card that they said was for-realsies limited-time-only and wouldn't ever be available again -- Platinum Grim, since he was to celebrate the 100th anniversary -- so. there's always a little bit of hope for everything else. :D (fairy gala Ortho PLEASE COME BACK SOB)

[whiteboardartstudios]

I SAID I WAS GOING TO DRAW THAT CAR SO HERE WE ARE (I hope you enjoy this is the stupidest thing I've drawn in months /affectionate)

(I put the image descriptions in the Alt text this time because there's so many images. If it doesn't work please tell me and I'll yeet them in the actual post!!)

happy finale of Wild Life everybody! :D

[do-you-know-this-queer-character]

Do you know this queer character?

Murderbot is Agender, Aromantic, and Asexual and uses it/its pronouns!

[maegalkarven]

We know what it wasn't a big secret to the cult of Bhaal what their Chosen (Durge) is a lil (a lot) obsessed with the Chosen of Bane.

Orin def told everyone who would listen about it, as Balthazar's note on "Prayer for Forgiveness" might imply.

But have we thought about the other side of this?

How many of Bane's servants present at Gortash's coronation saw Durge and went "Ugh, not them again. ANYONE but them. Dark Lord Bane, we serve you well and do not deserve this".

How many of banites had to watch their Chosen act like a lovesick fool at his own coronation and tried very hard not to cringe?

Like bhaalists were not pleased with their Chosen's affections, but I bet Gortash was INSUFFERABLE with Durge by his side.

[felassan]

.

[marley-manson]

bonus:

[alumnusofheavenandhell]

[ranticore]

in tha story building process again... i think the transition from "here's some stuff i like all put in a blender" to "here's what i want to say" in the process is pretty cool. sometimes the stuff i like has to come out of the blender because it won't contribute to what i want to say

[pillowbugs]

a halloween prank

[golyadkin]

Studies from the stream

[catlover4536]

@carnivalcarrion Remember when I said I had something for you?

Yeah, me too.

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 19th december, 2022 ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

this was my view the first time i listened to arctic monkeys. i was sitting in a parked car in the middle of a downpour, waiting for a friend who was at an appointment. i had an hour to kill, and i didn't feel like reading my book. i scrolled restlessly through my spotify library, and, on a whim, decided to listen to 505. it'd been on my playlist of 'to listen to' forever, but for some reason i'd never felt drawn to it until that particular afternoon. i pressed play, and when the song finished i pressed play again. and again. and again. i had goosebumps and my heart was full of something music hadn't evoked in me for a very long time.

i found the 'essential arctic monkeys' playlist and listened to everything i could, suddenly wishing that i had more than an hour, that my friend's appointment would go on and on so that i could stay here in this magical little bubble forever, feeling my heart opening itself up to something brand new and yet hearing parts of myself i'd known forever in the words, like they were somehow waiting for me to come and find them. it felt like someone had switched on a light. like something had come in and reignited a spark i didn't know i'd lost, and i was suddenly glowing with it. nothing had ever spoken to my creativity in the same way; after a long time squashing or trying to reshape it, i could feel it coming to life again, feel it being spoken to so vividly by the music it was as though they were having a direct conversation.

i love a lot of bands and a lot of music, but i've never fallen in love with any music as quickly or as deeply as i did with arctic monkeys. i don't think there's any other band that i've had such a profound first listening experience with, where i remember exactly where i was and how it felt. but the memory of listening to 505 and crying lightning and don't sit down 'cause i've moved your chair and arabella in that parked car, watching the rain slide down the glass and smudge the dusk, is something i know i'll remember forever. i could *feel* my world shifting on its axis, and, looking back, that instinct was totally spot on. completely out of the blue and in a way i never expected, arctic monkeys reunited me with my creativity in a way i'd needed for years. within days of listening to them for the first time, i'd started writing my novel, and a couple of months down the line i'd written over 40k. it was the most i'd written in years, and that's not even to mention the fanfic that rapidly became the most fun and fulfilling escapism i'd discovered in a long time. i felt myself seeing and connecting with the world around me in a brand new way that felt exciting and vivid, strange and beautiful and full of subtle, unnoticed meaning. it felt as though i had suddenly been given permission to write the world the way i experienced it, rather than trying to capture on paper what i thought other people wanted it to be.

as if all that wasn't enough, their music has also allowed me to connect with some incredibly special people and make wonderful friends both here and in real life.

it's truly hard to put into words the profound and unexpected impact this band has had on my life and just how much solace their music brings me, but at the very least i wanted to recognise that by acknowledging the anniversary of the first day i listened to them. it's a wonderful reminder of how the smallest action can change your life, and how those changes you need can find their way to you in ways you'd never have foreseen. i will be forever grateful to the serendipity of boredom and spotify playlists on that rainy afternoon in december 💖

[maybeyoullfindthissomeday]

Dilatory

Standing on the edge with secrets to share, deep truths tucked away in my clandestine heart, but fear held me back, a daunting shadow cast by a necessary step to close a heavy door on a broken past because this was the week I went to family court, 19 months it took to finalize my divorce. but there was a moment in this wonderful weekend when silence embraced and I wished for your heart to see through my haste, for even in turmoil, hope can flicker and glow and perhaps, in my honesty, a new chapter might grow… but just not this month, yet I swear to myself the next blessed day when I’ll see you face to face, I’ll unleash my veracities unadulterated and not half-baked. So until then, please, do not feel unwanted or disparaged, for I'm the lottery winner who won the maid of honor out of the marriage (note to self, edit ending)