#i've been trying since LAST summer
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Me: PLEASE, game. I really want Jamil in his DORM uniform. Game: You want Jamil; got it. Me: Remember, I said DORM uniform. Game: Jamil, right! You want him. Me: Not SCHOOL. Not P.E. Not LAB WEAR.... Game: I got it, I got~! Me: C'mon…… Game: SCHOOL UNIFORM~! :D Me: ……..Why are you like this?
#day umpteenth of me trying to get jamil's dorm uniform card#not even joking#i've been trying since LAST summer#and diasomnia keeps getting in the way#jamil viper#twisted wonderland#disney#not art#angeltexts#angel speaks#tw: caps
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god is swuarshing me beneath his thumb like i am an aphid or perhaps a clover mite. yeah. its slow and painful and im small. and also meek
#just me rambling again#guys. guys i have been just barely scraping by for what feels like so long it's genuinely so overwhelming and confusing and just very#unsettling for me to be having good feelings especially like.. big ones#i kind of feel like im dying ?? not actually physically but my entire brain just really doesn't know what to do#ive got some rational anxieties but also a lot of really stupid small ones just that are so all over my brain#and the cause feels so stupid. ok cool so ur falling for one of ur friends. happens. ok so same friend VERY OBVIOUSLY likes you too. ok ok#a little weirder but something that has happened before#but there's just so much in mybrain anxious abt stuff (ive been forgetting to take my anxiety meds a lot the past week(#idk i just feel like somehow it's not fair to them??#like. being with me or me trying to maybe be with them feels like... im taking away something from them or from their life#even tho we literally talked last night abt dates we really really wish we could go on#and how we obviously would just work well together we're compatible in basically every way#it also would be low pressure not heavy commitment because at the end of the summer we're both planning to move for college things#and she's looking at colleges in New York and nyc and im looking at colleges in oregon or Washington#so yeah.. literally across the entire country from each other#but that almost scares me more bc i have the it will come back hozier type of attachment issues where it's so so difficult for me to ever#let go of things once ive latched on (everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it or whatever) and i really don't want to leave my#claw marks in them bc like. god i really would adore having a thing for however many months we have but im so goddamn scared#that im either not going to be able to let go or one of us is going to detach well before we leave bc thats a reasonable emotional response#and thatll be it's own hell#but also#im 18 almost 19 (and i will make clear that they're in the year below me which also makes me feel really bad but that's a whole other can o#worms there) and its been a long while since ive just. let myself LIVE. ive been the shell of a man for months now. maybe another#stupid and wonderful and beautiful and terrible teenage romance wouldnt be the end of the world.#hell i was so convinced i would never ever ever not be in love with my more recent ex girlfriend and i still love her as a person but im#definitely not still in love with her and our splitting hurt but it was something that i was able to cope with and grow through#idk im rambling a lot longer than i have in a while i just have a lot of feelings right now.#i want to kiss them (again and more) i want to go to a stupid drive in movie and go to museums together and a picnic and all the shit that#we talked about last night and we both love in similar ways and feel our feelings really big and unapologetically#idk i have so much to say but running out of tags on here. double date maybe on friday ? we'll see what happens i guess.
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(I keep telling myself that I won't post it and then I don't and then I feel annoyed with myself but I tell myself that I shouldn't post it and then I don't and-)
#thinking about the times I used to stay inside for so long as a kid that I forgot how to act in public#what do you mean I can't play with the football in the store to test it out?#how does a crosswalk work again? do i have to wait until a car shows up?#weird times#or the first few weeks in school after summer break when you suddenly can't simply stand up and walk out when you're bored?#i don't know why I got this way#maybe lack of human interaction#no siblings few friends and parents who knew they could leave me alone and I wouldn't do anything stupid#just stare out the window stare at my wall play video games play with my dolls#always just there but also not quite#anyway#point is:#i haven't posted on this blog for so long and it feels like those times when I was younger and stayed inside my home for weeks at a time#i've been meaning to make a post that's been weighing on my heart for quite a while but idk how to word it without it sounding blame-y#not towards you guys#but-#i'm probably not making any sense#there's an odd feeling i've had towards bc and the fandom (generally and at shows not on here y'alls are sweethearts) since the end of last-#-year#and it only intensified in march when i went to the shows#I can't put it into words but alongside my hospital stay in july it has been very isolating and alienating#and it feels even weirder pretending like i don't have this feeling nagging me every time I reblog something and-#-go on with business as usual#....#the weather has been very grey in Germany and my end of year depression has been hitting hard#maybe I should sleep it off#but I've been trying to do that for almost a year now
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five words for my january: rhythms, ruminate, community, splintered, hope
link to picrew
#trying a new thing for 2025! making those periodical picrews of me into a little monthly routine :]#and last year about halfway through the summer i started coming up with 5 words at the end of each month so here seemed like a nice#way to catalogue those as well#elle's diary#yes i finally got my hair cut!! yayyy#aand the brownish overall option of the picrew is for my new orange pinafore dress i got at a thriftstore that i am Obsessed with#i would've also done the orange/cream/navy jumper i got at the same shop that i've been wearing All The Time but there was no option that#was close enough to it so instead i went with the outfit i wore when my friend took me to disney :)#and the tears-in-the-eyes are in honor of my Many Emotions and how often i've just.... quietly burst into tears this month. sighs#proud of myself for being able to cry though and letting myself do it when my body needs to <3 since that has Not Always Been The Case <3#happy almost february! here's to a new month; one step closer to spring :) <333#hope out the window#[neptune]#adjacent#elle rambles
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Also, while we're on the topic of my parents being human turds:
Last year, I worked at a school (hey, preschool teacher here!) and when that year was over (you have no idea how difficult it was, lol) I didn't want all those group projects that I had made with the kids to be thrown out, so I took them with me inside a huge plastic bag.
Now, there is no way of really showing this to you, but my room is a mess. And it is this way because I have too many stuff (such as clothes, books, funko pops) while the room is not that big. And to be honest, I don't want to throw anything away. So, as you can guess, that plastic bag didn't help.
So, my boyfriend suggested, that he could take that bag and keep it at his home, since they have extra room, and I said 'sure'. He didn't do it tho.
And here's where my stupid parents come into the story!
They already don't like him (lol, it's not because of anything that he has done, I believe that they would like him only if he was filthy rich and beat me up like they used to) so they use his suggestion and his failure to deliver, as a way to both diminish him and me, because I continue this relationship.
Mind you, these are the same people who have promised me a lot of stuff and always failed to deliver.
I still remember being 3 or 4, watching commercials about Disneyland in Paris on TV and them promising me that they would take me there when I'd finish elementary school. Guess what, I am 29, 17 years out of elementary school and still, I've never been there!
And I remember, being like 18 or 19, and them telling me that they'd search for a small appartment for me to rent, in order for me to start being more independent, and even said that they'd help me with the bills. Did that happen? Of course not! Back then, I also had a therapist who, when I told her what my parents said about renting me an appartment, replied with a "They won't do it, it's all a lie" And she was right!
They even repeated that promise when I was 26, I flat out told them that I don't believe them, and I was right!
It's not like I expect them to do big things for me. They cannot even have basic human decency. It's the lack of self awareness and the gashlighting that gets me everytime tho!
#sorry for my long rants and my horrible english by the way#by the way said bf is also quite flawed#so him not doing something he said he'd do didn't surprise me#we've been together for almost 7 years#and we've spent the last 2 arguing#like ever since my grandmother got into the hospital and passed away he has said some things that have made me grow distant#for example i was mourning her loss and 5 days later he was whining for 2 hours straight#because i didn't want to go to a christmas party with him#another example is that he got jealous#when a stand up comedian that i've been following for some years#invited me to one of his shows#btw of course i went#then he'll say he's sorry and that he loves me#i'll try to better manage my behaviour and feelings#and we'll keep on staying together#mind you this very summer due to us fighting for half of july#i spent some evenings with panic attacks and had difficulty at breathing#and when i went away to the countryside in august he couldn't understand why i wanted to distance myself#and the one time when i had a panic attack there was when he wouldn't end a call#anyway we're okay for now#scorpion-flower#bad parenting#text#long post#we were the kings and the queues
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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Stranger Things (TV 2016) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Robin Buckley & Steve Harrington, Robin Buckley/Nancy Wheeler Characters: Robin Buckley, Nancy Wheeler, Steve Harrington, The Party (Stranger Things) Additional Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Graduation, the inherent trauma of being 18 in a small town Series: Part 14 of thriving in the apocalypse Summary:
She hasn’t been in the running for valedictorian since sophomore year, and there’s no way anyone in Hawkins High would vote her for class president, but somehow her mother was still delusional enough to expect some incredible achievement from her once graduation rolled around. I’m alive, Robin thinks. How’s that for an achievement?
or, the Hawkins High School Graduation Ceremony, 1986
#taking a very brief pause in my 3-day zelda weekend to post this#stranger things#stranger things fic#ronance#uhhhh kinda. mostly. look the heart is there they just don't realize they're in love yet#anyway if anyone's curious here's the fic that got me to pick up trombone again for the first time in years#this is also the fic that i've been trying to write since LAST SUMMER#good grief#thriving in the apocalypse#.....okay that's all back to playing zelda now byeeee
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I need a massive sudden hyperfixation shock to happen again
#that era when i'd just got out of the onceler divorce of summer 2021. and then listened to everywhere at the end of time in october#and it was ruining my life and i couldn't sleep and there was nothing really good happening#like it wasn't Bad bc at least i wasn't depressed anymore like i was in the summer but it was still just dead. and i couldn't get#the last 6 minutes of eateot out of my head#and then. suddenly. got shot with the *blurry screenshot of stan and kyle as adults* beam#south park post covid trailer released. everyone who had ever been in that fandom was awakening from their graves#it was like 'future episode??' 'why have they got noses' 'what the fuckkkk' 'is anything real anymore?' etc#it was such big news that it instantly shocked me out of my existential crisis and reawakened that hyperfixation for the 9347384th time#and i vividly remember going on tumblr the morning after it aired and trying to avoid spoilers bc i hadn't watched it yet#but i accidentally saw a sentence something along the lines of 'kenny's a billionaire philanthropist now' and. ok i had to see a picture?#so i did and he looked like the epitome of a cool uncle#and then i was walking to uni that morning probably looking like i was crying or something bc like. kenny successful future#and the whole thing just brought my general mood up so much?? so by the time it was 2022 i was absolutely fine#and then 2022 was so good. up until like august and september#and things got a bit dangerous again like my mood was alright but the slightest thing could bring it down#and then my best friend/housemate got a girlfriend and it was that whole drama and her existence basically ruined my last year of uni#and since then i've become so bitter and cynical and all victimy and it's so annoying and i don't even realise i'm doing it#so now i only ever notice negative things happening and have done since like the end of 2022#and i just need one of my old hyperfixations to do something insane again. like sp post covid.#i need. idk victor hugo to come back to life and publish notre dame de paris 2. or something#or for pip to come back to south park. that would actually fix me forever tbh#or the golden ratio to announce they're touring the uk for free. okay no ykw that would fix me#orrrrrrrrr idk. secret history made into a film but it's actually good#anyway. the south park kids as adults with noses set off an entire like 8 months of Pure Optimism in 2022 and i need her back more than ever#ramble
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My first ever @mayakern order just shipped today and it contains the ye olde cats skirt and I'll be damned if I don't go to the fine arts museum, wearing that skirt, to take a picture in front of my favorite painting in that building, the one with the cat with the human nose, which happens to be featured on said skirt. Consider this my pledge to do this.
#khar says stuff#truly i've been thinking about getting some of those skirts since last summer#when i realized 1/ that I could actually wear midi length stuff without my tiny hobbit legs looking ridiculous#and 2/ that it was actually not skirt/dresses themselves that i disliked but the absence of /pockets/#tried to get some this spring but they all went out of stock SO FAST#and then I was trying to think of something to wear to go to the drag race france show in october#and roomie suggested that i finally give in and place that order.......#and i did#can't wait for that package to cross the atlantic!
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#ok so i wanted to make something for today but i've been mentally exhausted these past few days 💔💔#i pretty much forced myself to design two posters for my friends' bday and my brain doesnt work well when it's pushed(?#so i wanted to let a few days pass before trying to make something for today and last night i realized it was already the 3rd here#and since i know wouldn't be able to finish what i had in mind in a day i pretty much gave up before trying#knew*(?#also i have 3 days left of summer break and im trying to enjoy them as much as i can by doing nothing so i dont even know if ill do#something for beomgyu's bday </3#because once the semester starts i wont have much free time#ill still try to make something from time to time like i did last year but i probably wont be as active as i was#.txt#.. i think that's all i had to say#if you read it ty and ily 💗💗
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Wanderer's birthday mail.. he's so CUTE. I'M GONNA DRAW SOMETHING ABOUT IT I SWEAR.
#he's so obsessed w traveller and for what#oh for saving his life and making him believe in something?#oh right yeah#but what's he doing being a single father 😭😭 I love him so much he really adopted a kid#need him and wrio to start a fatherhood club#jean can be in the fatherhood club too actually#beidou too#actually there are so many single parents now#let's GO single parent town!#zhongli can go for 1 hour bc he has clearly adopted Hutao as well#and like. all of liyue tbh. he loves his people and it does show..#anyway this isn't about them!!!!#shin (my wanderer is called Shinosuke) and durin are literally so emotional to me#and I've been thinking about them so much ever since the summer event 😭 shin is learning to love again 😭#i love receiving birthday mail at 10pm the day before bc then I go OMG. HAVE TO DRAW.#this year I'll draw more birthday art. i think I did like. 3 last year 😭😂#i love my silly little guy i can't forgive genshin impact for not involving him at nahi's bday event#genshin#wah wah wah I hate card games also ask that loser paimon if my nicknames are good wah wah desert man's green orbs looked at me#cy and seth are trying to be his pals and that's too funny to me#take care of him my loves!
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oh YAY the old coworker who had delusional fantasies about a relationship with me and harassed me about it both at work and in absolutely insane social media posts has started commenting on my old posts again! yay!!!!! i'm so happy!!!!
#and i mean delusional in the actual sense of the word#like she would think the universe was sending her messages#and everything i did was a coded message#and would write these long posts about how i'm in love with her#it was genuinely terrifying#culminating in her threatening to bring a gun to work!#anyways she just commented on a post from last summer like#'i'm not sure what message you're trying to send me with that photo with god in the background'#which is not even remotely close to what any of the pictures are of???#like it's just. jesus christ. it's been years since i've seen her#and years since i've talked to her#like what the fuck#leave me ALONE
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i hate shoes
#sorry my feet grew sideways and not lengthways please can you make a 39 G#i've been trying to buy new walking shoes since september and it is not going#all i get is pain that lasts anywhere between a few hours and a few days for trying on shoes for like 10mins#i've given up and am heading back to the children's section to buy boys shoes but they often just skip EU sizes 37 to 40#men's shoes all start at 40 and that's a whole two UK sizes larger than my right foot#BUT GUESS WHAT GUYS' SHOES ALL START AT G WIDTH WHILE WOMEN'S ONLY GO TO EE#I'LL FUCKING EEEEE ALL OVER YOUR SHIT YOU FUCKERS#also i had not one but TWO clerks lecture me about how you can't buy walking shoes outside of winter#OUR WALKING HOLIDAYS ARE ALL IN THE SUMMER WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN NOBODY WALKS OUTSIDE OF WINTER
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not to be superficial but seeing those pics also motivated me to work out after work tonight even though I really didn't feel like it lol
#i've been trying to get fit since jan#so that I can survive walking all day in Europe for two weeks this summer#and last through a full evening at Eras on my feet#but iv'e been feeling really lazy lately#due to terrible sleep patterns and feeling blah#but we want to get those muscles strong! we can do this!#i may never be as hot or as toned as taylor but that is ok! I just need to be healthy enough to enjoy my trip! lol
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I'm not sure how viable it would be, but I could try to get an assessment for disability because my OCD really does impair my ability to function normally. Like even when I think I'm doing fine I'm really not, it affects every little thing in my life.
My family would probably refrain me from trying to get that, even though that's what they suggested I do when I went to that job helping thing. They'd say that'll for sure make me unemployable, or that they're gonna fire me for that or something (obviously illegal). I'm not sure if I care about it as much as I do about wanting to know the exact degree that they think having this prevents me from having a life.
#my ocd has come up again STRONG. it's been a few weeks since it happened and it's the second worst wave I've experienced#i can't even maintain a conversation without being assaulted by thoughts#the worst wave lasted an entire month with full anxiety effects and then about 4 more months with medium anxiety and a year of base anxiety#it's still there most of the time but it's mostly an annoying voice that i can manage most of the time (except last summer)#how long will this one last??? unknown and that scares me#as you can imagine this isn't fucking normal and i don't have a life worth living right now#I'm curious about how bad they'd say it is but i actually want to work someday#so sorry for not being there for basically everything. I'm fighting my demons#and also running away from the most anxiety inducing stuff. which is bad for me but i need to be able to control my exposure#i only have money for 1 more visit to the therapist so I'm trying to save it for now#i just went a few weeks ago after a few months#help
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I may have lost all hope
#it's a weird feeling?#like since late 2022 it's been kind of like. bad vibes consistently#and i tried to stay somewhat positive throughout it#but idk there's this very distinct feeling now of like. i can't describe it but it's completely gone#like I've actually got nothing to live for#nothing I've done or wanted to do since i was 14 has ever really like amounted to anything#all the friends i made i never feel like i can talk to#once again in that state of 'only alive so my family don't get sad'#like even when i wanted to just stop existing when i was 21 there was this tiny bit of hope still there a little bit#like i remember for that whole summer i kept getting quick thoughts about suicide but I'd always push them out of my mind instantly#but there was one day where i let the thought stay in my mind for a little bit and like properly considered how i would do it#and then after a bit i was like FUCK and then went and walked like an hour away from my house to try and forget it#and then after that day i slowly got better. and it was annoying bc it meant now i had to walk a whole hour back to my house#but even if those 2 months there was still this feeling of this isn't gonna last#bc i knew i was back at uni in a few months and at least i had music to listen to#and all the other times I've been in that state there was still this sort of feeling that it'll get better bc I've got things to get me#through it#but it doesn't feel like that now. like no job no friends no hyperfixation and now i can't even enjoy any music#anything i create is pointless bc only i care about it#all my friends are busy doing other stuff I'm like not even second best I'm the most forgettable person anyone might know#the only thing that would fix me is getting a random train to like some place I've never been#just to see a new thing i guess#but anyway#ramble#suicide mention
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kinda wanna get baldurs gate 3 hmmmmmmm but i shouldnt
#here are the top reasons why i shouldn't:#1) i still have totk to play and i put it on pause last month bc i met DE and fell so hard in love i still cant go back to play totk#and like. i have at least 100 hrs of gameplay still im sure#2) it is expensive#3) i shouldnt invest in a game that will cost me at least 100 hours rn probably (especially since i already have an unfinished one rn)#4) it might be sad for my laptop but im not sure#5) i havent played any other of the games of this series i don't think it matters for the gameplay but still#okay and here are the top reasons why i wanna get it:#1) i have become so DE-pilled i want to try more actual rpg games (wish i could do it irl on tabletop tbh but anyway)#2) if i dont get in now/soon; it will become even more expensive due to currency exchange rates lol#3) it looks funnnnn#4) i just wanna#5) i know it's not the best thing to do rn but I've been doing it this whole summer instead of doing Important Things: escapism#i probably wont get it tho :))) anyway maybe i can set my friends up to play tabletop rpg i know one of them has experience as a gm soooo#ive never played btw im so upset abt this#instead of boardgame day we can have rpg day perhaps. idk#🗒#okay correction on no4 in the first list: it would definitely be sad for my laptop#i just looked it up a little and whoow boy nope my laptop would be sad probably
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