#i'm trying not to be a DOWNER but my god

[bobtheacorn]

If anon is throwing rocks at your window in the middle of the night, I am bringing you baked goods of your choice at a decent hour. Actually it rules that you're proship. Keep up the good work (minding your own business, not being a bully, not falling for reactionary nonsense, thinking for yourself, having common sense, and so on and so forth)

Genuinely, THANK U I appreciate that!! I'm doing my best!! I'm just tryin'a write my silly lil fanfics and vibe and everybody else should be allowed to do the same.

[batemanofficial]

took a b12 supplement today and thought i was having a manic episode but nope. what i was experiencing is called 'happiness'

[gayamulet]

Art drawling

Its sort of wild how art came to a screeching halt as soon as I got a full time job. And yeah, there's a bunch of corresponding factors- a physically demanding full time job crammed into 4 days, that I'm older and so, working with less energy, sleeping a lot more (seriously wtf), and compartmentalizing time much more. Freestanding time & energy is less and has to be planned out and those times left open for the chance to 'do art' in whatever capacity I can do not equate to 100% output success rates like day job hours. I can go in with a 'fuck yeah, art night!' frame of mind and come out pretty unfulfilled (again, with the awareness that fulfillment is not the goal).

And of course recognizing that many more mundane tasks fulfill a bigger chunk of that makemakemake drive- meal prep, cleaning (ugh), plant care, yard care, mending work clothes, etc. And you know, the more annoying factor. A lot of that creative energy also gets fulfilled by mundane tasks at work- animal care, walking, cleaning (yes that includes complicated dogshit catastrophes), training, behavior data collection & entry. I come out of it of course physically tired because it is hard messy work, but it also just has me choosing/seeking artistic outlets less, and not feeling too bad about it introspectively. Its make-drive going someplace useful, through whatever framework my brain has established as useful, idk.

All this brings me to my actual point of frustration with art-making, that when I have time and there is a bit of planning involved (I have exactly one con art show and local tiny art market to work toward this summer) and I sit down and I casually think about what I'd like, for me, for these events with no pressure and, again, for me, that

I just don't want to make myself anything. That it already exists, that there are endless iterations of whatever visual landscape I'm riffing through at any given time, that it doesn't need physical manifestation, that it no longer serves me creatively, that I don't care. I can dangle a glittery new process (ink, linocut, etc) like a its-about-the-process carrot in front of me, but suddenly I don't like carrots. And it feels, less born of a dead creative drive, and more like...an extension of what I don't want from other people- junk. That I do not want to generate more junk for myself. Does this make sense? I think it sounds more heartless than I mean for it to. Like unless there is very defined intention, then I don't need it? I cannot think of a way to explain it that doesn't sound protestant as fuck. Maybe I've hit some critical mass of art intake overload thanks to the internet, maybe this is just what creativity looks like now. Tho, there's enough of a useful task involved that freelance artwork is still hopping along- much more slowly than before for all the regular reasons listed above- but otherwise its fine. I still get that pleasant little brain buzz.

I get these surges of frustration, that I've fallen off from working toward some ultra-personalized visual landscape goal like I used to, that once I do I'll be perceived as human again, or something. Like this is still some pinnacle of artistic merit, in some mythical corner of my brain. But those surges are much less frequent than they used to be, and fizzle out quickly. And idk. Art isn't going anywhere in my life, but where it comes from and how I'm making and shaping things is changing again. I guess?

*I DO, however, wanna make more cardboard masks. So bad.

**I know I kept this in a pretty strict work vs art vacuum, without acknowledging other uses of time, including other hobbies which of course also accounts for creative/emotional outlet but you know what I'm gonna stop here before you guys figure out I'm actually a robot

[ayakashibackstreet]

I should write down everything I can think of about my dog. If I start forgetting this stuff, I'll never forgive myself

[cinnamonest]

Female-Targeted Doujin Masterlist

Thank you anon! Sooooo, I have decided to compile a female-targeted/yumejoshi masterlist, I'll add this post to my main masterlist soon.

These were the one I could think of from memory, I’ll come back to this list and add to it if I get more, I'm sure I missed a few from my bookmarks. Feel free to add to it in the comments, and I'll try to find and update it! Also, several of these were recommended from anons in the past, so thank you all <3

FYI several links lead to nh*ntai dot net, so be aware of that.

Umekoppe

As per the post anon is referencing, Umekoppe is a doujin group that consistently puts out exclusively good content!

“The Yandere Prince Won't Let Me Slip Away”

(Part One)

(Part Two)

Premise: Isekai/pseudo-reincarnation trope, premise basically explained by the title, MC is isekai'd as prince's lost lover.

"The Sacrificial Maiden Corrupted by Coupling With an Oni"

(Link)

Premise: Historical Japan setting, the "MC is an offering sacrifice to the Creature, but the Creature chooses to keep her instead" trope.

"Until the Trashiest Boy Toy Exorcist Ren-kun Crushes Me in His Embrace"

(Part One)

(Part Two)

Premise: MC is a girl that attracts malevolent spirits, exorcist-kun is obligated to help her ward them off (with orgasms, naturally).

"The Spy Who Ravished Me ~Reborn As a Mafia Princess in a Deadly Game~"

(Link)

Premise: Isekai, MC reincarnated into a game where she knows who the guy who is most likely to kill her is, but in her attempt to avoid getting killed by him, ends up taking actions that make him grow into an obsessive love-hate instead. Top tier, this boy is probably the worst (in a good way) of how all the Umekoppe love interests treat the girl.

"Heibon Onna wa Downer Kami-sama ni Izon sarete Modorenai" (this one didn't have a translated title, sorry)

(Link)

Premise: MC discovers her friend is a shrine god and wolf-boy. Wolfboy fun times ensue (and in the end she's apparently unknowingly trapped into being with him forever, so that's nice).

You’re Cutest When You’re Pathetic ~Obsessed Golden Retriever Boy Haru’s Disciplinary Sex~

(Part One)

(Part Two)

Premise: Softboy™ neighbor finds MC's phone with lewd stuff on it, gets her confessions in drunk conversations, turns out to not be so much of a Softboy behind closed doors.

Oniben Katze

Another group that also does a lot of fem-targeted stuff.

Serious Sex with my Brutish Boyfriend

(Link)

Premise: MC's lover gets mad over rumors that she's a slut, decides to get possessive and rough over it.

Dog Eat Dog Era

(Part One)

(Part Two/Extras)

Premise: a personal favorite, an isekai'd witch adopts two dragon boys who grow up to have a strong fixation with her and noncon ensues.

Parasite Garden

Makes notably darker stuff that contains more controversial subject matter/themes, so be warned.

The Corpse of a Goldfish is at the Bottom of the Swamp

(Link)

CW: INCEST

Premise: possessive brother wants to corrupt/mindbreak sister to keep her forever (spoiler: he succeeds)

The Neighbor in Room 203 Disappeared Leaving their Keys Behind

(Link)

Premise: stalker girl meets her match, as it turns out the boy neighbor she's stalking pulls a spiderman pointing meme and has actually been her stalker for even longer and to a much greater, darker, and more more extreme extent, and is intent on not letting her go.

My Sweet Bunny Cage

(Part One)

(Part Two)

Premise: tiny girl is kidnapped by a crazed guy convinced she is the reincarnation of his lost pet rabbit.

Other

(artist listed below titles)

If you wish, hypnosis ~Maki-san's secret love therapy~

(Link)

Artist: Meeo

Premise: pretty straightforward, after she doesn't believe it's real, MC's coworker uses hypnosis on her for Certain Specific Purposes.

Sakaki the Lazybones Shows His Talents at Night

(Link) (Contains all chapters' links on the page, you might have to scroll down on the chapter list to see chapter one on some phones)

Artist: Potsunen Jin

Premise: (Another personal favorite) MC's younger coworker, peak innocent idolizing softboy, is in love with her and takes advantage of a situation while she's drunk after watching porn to "learn what girls like." Clingy, possessive relationship ensues.

Lady K and the Sick Man

(Chapter One) (site's menu is a bit awkward to deal with, but you have to click in the corner to view the menu to go to other chapters).

Artist: Rororogi Mogera

Yet another personal favorite, this one does have slight male gaze to it in that it focuses on the girl quite a bit, but it still focuses on the guy way more than the average doujin. Also the guy is an older bigger guy, if you ever tire of the twink/twunk standard in yumejoshi stuff.

Premise: guy moves into an apartment with a ghost lady and just kinda accepts it because he can't afford to live anywhere else, but quickly decides he’s down bad for ghussy.

I Became the True Love Object of Mr. Segawa, Who Has a Huge Attitude and Body

(Link)

Artist: Haruo Haruyama

Premise: very straightforward office coworkers to lovers, coworker is a big guy who turns out to be kinda sadistic, which is good for the masochistic MC.

The Man Who Saved Me on my Isekai Trip was a Killer

(Part One)

(Part Two)

(Part Three)

Artist: Ahan Horihori

Premise: this one got kind of infamous and shock-valued the mainstream crowd due to an animated advertisement I believe, it's essentially self-explanatory from the title: isekai'd lady gets saved by a guy who turns out to be a violent murderer, dark and sometimes pseudo-incesty plot twists ensue.

[serialkilluh1996]

❀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒❀

Stu Macher x Nerdy-male-reader

Stu is a very pushy boyfriend, but this time, he's pushed his fucking luck and crossed a line.

Warnings: Angst, death, slight gore, multiple mentions of SA, arguing, contact me if I need to add more.

Proshippers, Comshippers DNI

It wasn't hard making friends when it came to you. Yeah, you were a considerably nerdy guy who preferred to stay home and watch movies and read, and you certainly weren't some dashing Adonis who had a way with words, but you had a certain style, a strange charisma, that attracted people to you.

It's how you met, or, as people call it, "bagged" your boyfriend, Stu. He was a pretty fun guy. Always optimistic, and down to just about anything. The issue with him was boundaries. He had a bad habit of trying to push past yours.

Like now, for example. Throwing on some old orange flannel he'd given you as a gift, tightening the belt on your light boot cut jeans to with mild irritation to get ready for one of Stu's parties.

You hated parties. He knew this, but somehow, he always managed to manipulate you into going. With his pouty lips, his cartoonishly sad voices, and his puppy eyes, there was almost nothing he couldn't get you to do for him.

You knew this, and you never did much to resist. Cognitive dissonance, really.

"I don't know what you see in that clown." Your friend, and Stu's number one hater, Clyde scolds you, standing in the doorway of your bedroom as you get dressed. "It's not for you to see. It's for me to see. That's why he's my boyfriend." You joke, tying your shoes.

"I don't trust him, dude. He doesn't really respect you." He leans against the doorframe. "He respects me." You retort, standing up. "Until he doesnt get what he wants." Clyde raises an eyebrow. "I don't need you to be my dating coach."

"I'm not trying to be your dating coach, I'm trying to be your friend. And as your friend, I'm supposed to be supportive and honest with you. I've been supportive already, and now it's time to be honest. He's not good for you. He's slowly but surely pushing your boundaries and one of these days he's gonna convince you to do something you REALLY don't wanna do." Clyde sits up as you walk past him and out of your room.

"☆☆☆, I'm serious," he follows behind you, "the party may seem like a small inconvenience, but he's only doing small things first to test your layers."

You grab your car keys, ignoring his words. "You know, I don't need this right now." You turn around. "No, ☆☆☆. You need this a lot more than you think." Clydes eyes squint with anticipation. "I'll go with you." He offers. "To third wheel my date?" You tease him.

"Oh, puh-lease. It's a party. He'll never suspect me anyway. I'll just... keep my distance. But I'm not letting you go alone to some drug infested fuckfest full of college boys with little to no morals so he can spike your drink and let God knows who do God knows what to you." He stands in front of the door.

You wince at his words. "Yikes, Clyde. I get being concerned but you're getting too comfortable with these accusations."

"You're right, you're right. I went too far. But still, just let me go with you." Clyde begs. You sigh. "Get in the car and don't say another word about him." He nods in compliance as you both walk out, locking the door behind you.

You fold your arms as you walk past all the pre-inebriated. "Ugh, the party started twenty minutes ago and these people are already high as a kite." He pouts.

"POOKIE!" Stu yells out, tackling you with a hug that you don't return as your arms are folded. "Seriously, Stu?" You raise a brow.

"Don't be such a downer, honeybun. It's a par-tayyy. You need to let loose." He boops your nose. "Hey, Clyde." He says flatly, rubbing a hand across his face. Clyde frowns. "The fuck off me." He swats his hands. "Youch, Clyde. Still sore because I asked first?"

"Asked what first?" You ask, Clyde looking ready to burst. "Come onnn. I wanna show you somethin'." He pulls you towards the stares. "But, Clyde–" "Clyyyyde can wait." He kisses your forehead, pulling you along up the stairs.

Clyde pouts as he takes you away, struggling to hold back frustration as he knew what was about to go down. Stu didn't deserve you. He storms past some unlucky lady, causing her to slightly spill her drink as he slides into the garage.

He grabs a beer out of the fridge, bringing it to his mouth and slurping it down with only a quarter of his usual manners. "Fuck!" He exclaims, throwing the glass down and watching it shatter and fizz with the beer. It wasn't fair. He's wanted you so long. He's respectful, supportive, he adores you. And you choose some skeezer like Stu.

And just when he thought his luck couldn't get any worse, his phone rang. With a huff, he answers. "Yeah?"

Stu presses you against the bathroom sink, standing crotch to crotch against you as he tugged at your belt. You put a hand on his chest, pushing him back with what little energy you had, your half empty cup of liquor sitting on the sink. "What's the problem?" He asks, now slightly bothered by your resistance.

"You're going too fast." "I'll slow down, baby." "No, I mean us– this relationship– I don't think we're this far yet." "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Stu, I–" your heart drops at the sound of a man screaming. You push him a way and back into the wall, running out of the bedroom. Scurrying down the stairs as you fix your pants, your startled by what you see.

Clyde stumbles into the living room, swatting his left hand, the right clenching his heart as blood spilled past it. He gargled incoherently, falling limp onto the couch. "Clyde!" You shriek, running down to his side.

"Clyde, buddy, talk to me." You shake him, pulling his hand away to see the myriad of stab wounds to his chest. You scoff in shock, your breath catching in your throat to see his eyes empty, lifeless. "What the fuck?!" You curse, backing away. "Clyde!!!"

You lay on your side in your bed. Tears are streaming down your face. It's been hours, but it feels like days have passed. You tremble quietly, sniffling. God, you should've listened to him.

Your phone rings. You don't want to answer. You don't want to live. Nothing even had purpose anymore. Your best friend, gone without a goodbye, and someone had the nerve to be calling you, as if they wouldn't have plenty more time to talk.

You snatch it off the line.

"☆☆☆, baby–" "No!" You interrupt Stu, fury filling you in an instant as you recognize his voice. "This is all your fault, damn it. I told you I didn't like parties! You always do this to me! You never respect my boundaries, man!"

"..I... I do respect you.." "No, you don't! Just last night, I had to force you off of me in the bathroom and when I told you I wasn't comfortable, you KEPT. PUSHING! WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU WOULDVE DONE HAD I BEEN ANY DRUNKER?!"

"Aww, dude, honey, you know I would...I would never do anything like that to you..." he sounds so genuinely bad, almost hurt by your words.

"Clyde is dead, Stuart! He's dead! He ain't coming back!"

"..I know.." "No, you DON'T. You don't know ANYTHING! THE ONLY THING YOU KNOW IS TO BEG AND PUSH TIL YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT!"

"I DIDN'T KILL CLYDE!" "I DON'T KNOW THAT!"

The line goes quiet, and the only thing you can hear is the static.

" What are you trying to say, ☆☆☆?" "I'm breaking up with you. I can't do this with you anymore. I can't keep begging you for basic respect in this relationship. I'm tired and I'm scared and for all I know, you could've done this."

"No, baby, no. Please, no. Please, don't do this." His firm words turn into pleading whimpers. "I'm sorry, but I've made my decision." You hang up the phone. And Stu stands there, the line buzzing as tears run down his face.

You can support me by liking, commenting, reblogging, and/or cashapping me @fundsbrownie. Donations are optional, but much appreciated. Have fun! And remember, take care of yourself.

[riality-check]

a continuation of this post. tw substance abuse. next part here. part 4 here. part 5 here. part 6 here. part 7 here.

ao3

The only person to whom Eddie breaks his promises is himself.

If he says he'll help someone, he'll help them. If he says he'll call someone, he'll call them. If he says he'll be there, he'll be there.

If he tells himself he won't be stupid on tour, he’ll try cocaine for the first time right after the second show.

He's always been like that. Always found it easy to lie and cheat and bend when it comes to himself. It's easier still when it's his self control, ever-fragile. And it's not like this is his first time with anything. He's been drinking beer to help him fall asleep since he was sixteen.

But the tour and the coke and the people and all the other stuff they have make it so easy to get so much worse.

He tells himself he keeps it together for work. He always gets back on the bus (Archie carries him) and gets up on time (Jeff wakes him up) and keeps it together onstage (Gareth yells at him because he comes in late for one song, every show).

He tells himself that so long as he's fine onstage, he can do whatever offstage. He tells himself that so long as he keeps only taking the dexies and the coke and other uppers, that it's not a problem. He tells himself that so long as he avoids the downers - except for alcohol because refusing drinks is a dick move - that he's not his parents.

Coke isn't a problem. Heroin is.

Eddie thinks back to track marks and sores and unseeing eyes every time someone offers him heroin. It's enough to keep him from taking it.

It's not a problem that he usually stays up for two days before he crashes. It's not a problem that most times, someone has to wake him up a half hour before soundcheck. It's not a problem that he needs a bump before he goes out onstage, and even then, he'll still crash right after the show.

It feels good. Being up all the time, talking and playing and moving, always moving, feels good. It’s what he’s supposed to do, isn’t it? This is what rock stars do. He’s doing it right. He’s doing everything right.

It's not a problem. He's fine.

Until he gets backstage when they finish up in Indianapolis and Wayne is there in the green room, sitting on the couch that Eddie wants nothing more than to flop onto and pass out.

He doesn't, though. He walks over, grips the armrest with both of his shaking hands, and leans forward to take some of the weight off his feet.

God, he's tired.

"Wayne!" he grins. "How are you? Did you like the show? I wish I knew you were coming, I would've got you a good seat. Did you-"

As he talks, he watches as Wayne's face falls from a smile to something neutral to something angry.

And when he finally shuts up, Wayne says, "You're a mess."

"Excuse me?"

"Eddie, you're a mess," Wayne says. "I don't think you can stand right now without holding onto the couch."

Eddie wants to prove him wrong, but he doesn't think he'll be able to.

"So what?" he says instead.

"So what?" Wayne repeats. "What are you taking?"

"Nothing that'll kill me."

"Everything can kill you, boy, even sugar. What are you on?"

Eddie sniffs, wiping his nose on the back of his hand.

"Coke, then," Wayne says, like it’s obvious, like it’s something nasty.

"What do you care?" Eddie says. He starts pacing, hands flying wildly. If he keeps moving, he doesn't seem unsteady, right? "I'm happy. I'm living my dream. I'm doing what I love. Who cares if I'm having a little fun while I'm doing it?"

"This ain’t fun."

"Yes, it is."

Wayne sighs. "You're gonna hurt yourself or someone else if you don't stop. What if you were driving, and-"

"I have people who do that for me," Eddie says, finally feeling like he's starting to win.

"Do you let them?"

Eddie stops moving, almost toppling over when he does so. "What?"

"Do you let them drive you?" Wayne asks. "Because I don't think you do. You've never let anyone do anything for you when you could do it yourself, and I don't think that's changed."

Eddie bites the inside of his cheek to stay quiet.

"I think you're scared. I think this all happened too fast, and you're scared because you don't think you deserve it. So you're trying to make that true."

"That's bullshit."

"If you keep it up," Wayne says slowly, like he's talking to a child, "this is gonna kill you, and it is gonna be ugly."

"I'll have a closed casket funeral," Eddie snaps.

"You won't be around to have any say!" Wayne barks.

Eddie jumps back. Wayne has never raised his voice at him, not even when Eddie was a total brat of a teenager.

"It's rehab," he continues softly. "When this tour ends."

"Or what?"

"There is no or," Wayne says. "I buried my mama, your mama, two of my cousins, and my uncle because of this. I'm not losing you to the same stupidity."

Eddie takes a breath.

"I know you're grown, but I'm not losing you," Wayne says, standing up and wrapping him in a hug.

Eddie clings to him. He has about fifty different protests on the tip of his tongue about how he's a grown adult, how he's fine, how Wayne has no right to tell him what to do.

They all lose credibility as he stands, holding on to his uncle and sobbing like he's nine years old again.

He goes to rehab the morning after the last show. He gets clean, quits everything except the cigarettes because Eddie needs to break every promise to himself, just a little, if he wants them to stick a lot.

[oneatlatime]

The Tales of Ba Sing Se PART 2

The Tale of Zuko

Maybe I should make a Zuko's Stupid Faces post.

Zuko and Iroh's whole dynamic in one frame.

This girl is cute. Total girl next door type. She does have fairly horrible taste in men, but she's also very cute.

I just want to take a minute to point out a VERY important distinction. Zuko is not going out on a date. Zuko is not taking a girl out on a date. A girl is taking Zuko out on a date. She's got that arm in a death grip. Not only is that a clever reversal of the usual hetero dynamic, but I'm convinced it's the only way Zuko would ever get any action, so it's also in character.

I know Zuko's social skills are non-existent, but apart from the blow up at the waiter he is actually trying. He's failing, but I have to give him points for trying.

The way this girl's voice actress says "You juggled" made my ears very happy. And the beleaguered "yes. I juggled." is equally good.

Zuko! Tell her you did sword stuff! That's something you can actually do!

It gives me hope that someone so steeped in the most toxic parts of the Fire Nation, for so long, can STILL be so bad at lying, but it would certainly be a handy skill right about now.

I take it back. This girl does have good taste in men. Zuko's such a softie when it counts. He still sucks at being normal, but he just risked his identity because the girl he didn't even plan to go out with was a little bit sad.

This girl is the best.

Ha! He kissed her back! He Did! I saw that!

I take back what I took back. Zuko's evil again. He made my new favourite girl droop.

I love that Iroh's waiting up for him while making it look like he isn't waiting up for him. How many times on their ship, when Zuko was out Blue Spiriting, do you think Iroh found a reason to be randomly sat on the deck at 3 am?

Character development baby! Can you really call yourself loyal to the fire nation if you admit to having a good time on a date with an Earth Kingdom girl?

The Tale of Momo

Pretty.

That was a FILTHY bait and switch. For one shining moment, I had Appa back.

They should take that to June.

Not Appa.

Also not Appa.

I did not have 'Momo gets gaslit' on my Avatar Bingo card. Nor did I have 'interspecies animal friendship angst.'

Are these cat things the raccoons of the Avatar universe? Or the squirrels? Urban scroungers?

I love the idea that this guy just grabs the closest squirrel, sticks a hat on it, and expects it to dance. He got lucky with Momo.

I thought they were taking the animals to the pound, but this is very much a butcher. Which means that in Ba Sing Se, they eat varmint. Stay away from the hot dog carts.

That's very effective Simglish.

Thank god for thumbs.

Aw they're friends! This has Aristocats vibes, when O'Malley and the girl cat are getting together near the end.

And one final Fuck You, because god forbid Momo's tale ends on a happy note.

I'm guessing that's an Appa print, but couldn't it also be a platypus bear?

Something about the cats standing vigil over Momo's grief gets to me.

Final thoughts

I'll go through each of these stories individually, but first some general comments.

Last episode was kind of intense, and definitely ended on a downer (not that this one didn't), so it was a good call to at least start this episode off on something a bit gentler.

I was really impressed with the soundtrack throughout. Apart from the Tale of Momo where it's the animal noises that are front and centre, the music is doing a lot of work in every story, the strings especially. The strings are doing emotional work, plot stuff, and even humour. Seriously, next time you rewatch this episode, pay attention to the strings. These shorts are actually very light on dialogue (apart from Sokka's), but they don't feel that way because the music is doing the talking.

I'm assuming that this all took place over three days at least, since Iroh, Zuko, and Momo's tales seem to end on different evenings. So I don't think calling this episode 'day in the life' is accurate. My bad. It also occurs to me that this kind of episode format would be a great way of showing time has passed. If they had had an episode like this in the Northern Water Tribe - after Katara beat the crap out of Poophead but before the Fire Nation attacked - I would have liked the pacing of the whole finale arc better.

On to the stories!

The Tale of Toph and Katara

It might be because I didn't understand what this episode was doing yet, but this one didn't do much for me. It was good to see Toph have a moment of self-doubt, but I never would have assumed, based on her previous behaviour, that her appearance was her proverbial weak spot. Katara did a really good job at building her back up, and she was delightfully (and appropriately) understated for once. When she's reassuring Aang of something (especially in Season 1) Katara tends to got from 0 to 60 very quickly, so it was nice to see her be reassuring in a quiet, non-steamrolling way. Is this Katara character development? Apart from the fact that Toph quite literally got her eyeballs sanded, nothing much in this episode stuck out to me. Except those bitchy voices. Those were like knives in my brain.

The Tale of Iroh

So many questions! Is Lu Ten buried in Ba Sing Se? How is that grave not defaced yet? How did Iroh get a copy of his son's picture? They lost everything at the North Pole, right? Did he ask the people who got him their passports for a picture of his son too? Does Zuko know/remember that it's his cousin's birthday? If so, why isn't he there offering Iroh the world's most awkward hug? Given the fact that Iroh spent the whole day helping people, including a very misguided youth, and given that Iroh says something along the lines of "if only I could have helped you [his son]" does this imply that Lu Ten was going through a crisis at the time of his death? Was he misguided like the wannabe mugger? Is Zuko not the first Fire Nation Prince that Iroh has had to guide through an identity/existential crisis? Is Zuko going to be the first time Iroh succeeds at guiding a Fire Nation prince through an identity/existential crisis? Does Iroh live in perpetual fear of failing Zuko the way he seems to believe he failed his son? Am I reading too much into this?

To be quite honest, this story would have hit me harder if I had remembered going into it that Iroh had a son. Lu Ten takes being a textual ghost to a whole new level. Also the 'In honor of Mako' text confused me. And worried me a little.

The Tale of Aang

I liked this one! Aang can't help Appa at the moment, but he can help all the Appa stand ins who aren't fortunate enough to have an Aang to help them. Aang is a nice little boy! Of course he'd free a bunch of animals without thinking about the consequences and the epic pile of platypus bear dung he's just landed the zookeeper in with the Dai Li. I liked the animal designs. I liked the earthbending. I liked the Siamese cat representation. I loved cabbage man. I think that, if Appa could have known, he would have approved. I also think that I'm once again reading too much into this. it was nominally a fun fluff piece elaborating on a established emotional conflict (Appa missing), which gave it just enough weight to be slightly more than a fluff piece.

The Tale of Sokka

I am entirely serious when I say that 'poetry bouncer' is my favourite joke so far in the WHOLE show. I love absurdity played entirely earnestly. It's fridge funny too. The longer I contemplate the implications, the funnier it gets. What past event required a poetry bouncer be introduced? He's not there to protect the students or the teacher; he's here to reinforce the structure of the Haiku by force. Was he hired by the concept of Haiku? Is Haiku taken so seriously in Ba Sing Se that he's needed to break up cat fights between students? There is a rich well of haiku-related hijinks just hinted at by his presence, and I want to know more.

Sokka is so often his own worst enemy that it makes sense that he's taken out by his own hubris. That fortune teller lady was absolutely a crook, but she did one hell of an accurate cold read on Sokka.

The Tale of Zuko

Credits tell me that the girl's name is Jin. I would like to congratulate the creators of Avatar for managing to illustrate romantic interest so palpably without resorting to heart eyes and steam whistle noises. Nothing wrong with those; I'm just impressed by how much of Jin's interest in Zuko you can feel. Also, she'd better be more than a single episode character, because I need more of this sweetheart. She's a real contender for displacing Toph as my favourite girl in the cast.

To be fair to Zuko, he did make Jin droop (UNFORGIVABLE), but it was also the right call. He can't date her honestly. It IS complicated. And I don't think any Earth Kingdom girl (worth dating) would knowingly go out with Fire Nation royalty. Jin wanted Lee the Tea Boy. Try as he might, Zuko can't stop being Zuko. I would argue that he shouldn't stop being Zuko. His flashback mom told him not to forget who he was, so I'd also argue that the narrative doesn't want Zuko to stop being Zuko either. I guess it's a case of right girl, wrong time. It looks like she's cool with him being a firebender, but firebending and being the Fire Lord's son are not the same magnitude of hurdle to dating. Maybe when the war's over they can hook up again.

The Tale of Momo

I think this qualifies as cruelty to the audience. I got the impression that this story was crafted borderline maliciously, to make the viewers suffer angst dump after angst dump.

I liked seeing things from Momo's perspective. I loved the animal noises, which really got across a shocking amount of emotion. Those, combined with body language, were as effective as any spoken script. These cartoon people really know how to use their medium.

It absolutely kills me that Momo is missing Appa, and since he doesn't understand human speech, he can't even be comforted by knowing that his humans are actively looking for him. If you've ever seen one of your pets missing another of your pets in real life, you know there's nothing worse than the helplessness that comes with not being able to explain or magically summon their friend back from the kennel, or the vet, or the dead. All you can do is give them hugs. I'm glad that Momo got a street cat support group at the end of the episode, but the animal grief at the beginning was hard to get through. It's sweet to have confirmation that Momo sees Appa as family, but surely they could have showed that to us in a way that doesn't make me need to hug the stuffing out of my own pets?

Final Final Thoughts for real this time

This episode wrings you out a little. Fully a third of the stories are about Appa, despite him not being there. At least half are about missing someone who isn't there. At least half are bittersweet.

I liked this episode format. I hope they use it again next season. Only Toph and Katara's tale felt too short to me. The rest did such a good job at drawing me in, that when I went back to check timestamps I was surprised by how short these stories are.

I'm going to go eat too much chocolate.

[hestzhyen]

Kagurabachi Chapter 42 Nonsense Takes-

Holy shit. Dear internet void, I'm on the edge of my seat. This CHAPTER man! Several key moments from Ch. 20 are paying off here in a satisfying way.

This time, Hiyuki is the one who wavers when her convictions are contested:

Caught between duty, desire, and her own limitations... not a great feeling is it? She's in the same position now that Chihiro was facing off against her in Ch. 20. I feel like Chihiro's heroics will push her forward much like Hakuri's words did for him. Can't wait to see more of her after this arc and how she reconciles her noble beliefs with the selfish pragmatism of the Kamunabi. Not to mention how she'll manage her pride while reconsidering her rather dismal evaluation of Chihiro from earlier in the chapter.

Speaking of the Kamunabi, though... the older guys who have experienced the horrors of the Seitei war try to be realistic about the situation:

[Shaking Shiba like a maraca] WHAT'S YOUR BACKSTORY MR. OFFSCREEN SORCERER?

They very understandably want to cut their losses and reduce the risk of death for their younger allies. With terrifying artifacts like Magatsumi being necessary, the Seitei War really must have been hell on earth. Better to save what you can than risk losing everything on a bet and all that. I think this will be the meaty, scrumptious crux of the conflict between Chihiro and the Kamunabi whenever he ends up clashing with them in the open. All for the greater good vs. the greatest good for all, pragmatism vs. idealism- I am hype!

And yet the idealistic duo of Chihiro and Hakuri are going to stake their lives on making a miracle. Across the hall, without being able to speak to each other or hear what's being said over the chaos, they still understand what the other is thinking and wants to do. I love these two so much.

Hakuri recalling the conversation with Chihiro during the elevator ride in Ch. 20 when they first met. He knows his samurai's heart.

(Ch. 20 vs 42) Liar, liar, pants on fire. Fakest IDGAFer ever ready to risk his life to save a bunch of strangers, just like he said he wasn't interested in doing.

These. Guys! ARE! THE! BEST!

But there's certainly going to be a price paid for this- the toothpick bidding guy said as much. Chihiro can't win it all, no matter how strongly he feels about having his cake and eating it too. So what's going to get fucked up? Well, pick your poison(s) on how Chihiro's idealism will be tempered:

Chihiro and Hakuri fail to save all the hostages

Hakuri overexerts himself and is incapacitated/dies

The Rakuzaichi isn't ended for good

Magatsumi falls into the wrong hands

Chihiro/Hakuri is/are captured by an enemy

Failure to Save Innocents This scenario is somewhat likely, I think. We're doing Ch. 20 callbacks so may as well go all-in here. It's also been the biggest sticking point this chapter. "We (YOU) can't save everyone." Be pragmatic when weighing good actions vs. the cost of doing them. Understand your limits, work hard, and be ready to cut your losses. Be willing to accept that someone could die. Chihiro struggles with this for obvious reasons. He's a heroic badass, but also a traumatized kid. A human. He's got limits and he's got to acknowledge them at some point. Even if Ms. Inazuma is saved, he might not be able to tag all the captives before Hakuri has to pull him out. This would be absolutely devastating to him as a brutal but very needed wake-up call before he overestimates himself in a situation with higher stakes. And, man... if Chihiro has to come back to Mr. Inazuma and tell the poor kid that he couldn't save his sister... god, that would be awful for everyone. Idealism alone can't save lives, nor wishing for it, nor trying your best. Sometimes you can't save everyone and end up losing everything. I think this is a bit too downer but it's not completely out of the question.

Hakuri Fucking Dies One of the two outcomes here is almost definitely going to happen. I went on a few several thousand-word screeds about Hakuri's significance and how much I love this slightly insane little goober. There's plenty of good reasons to think he'll stay a permanent member of the cast, and if I'm being honest, I think it's a little early for Chihiro to lose an ally. We need a little more time to get attached and invested in the core crew he assembles before one of them is offed. And yet... While I think Shiba's "you'll both die!" line is just to amp up the tension, this...

I will kill everyone at the Rakuzaichi and then myself if anything happens to this kid.

... isn't looking good. At all. Knowing that Hakuri's basically had a full arc at this point means I can't just handwave away the chance he'll be the price Chihiro pays for his naive optimism. Because that's exactly why they're both doing this: Chihiro's expectations for himself are too high and unrealistic. And he's Hakuri's guiding light. Whatever Chihiro wants to accomplish, Hakuri will back him up with everything he has. He's pushing himself too far for Chihiro's sake and we'll all cry if that means he pays the ultimate price.

I think it's most likely that Hakuri will come out of this severely injured, though. Not dead, but close to it and unable to act for a while. It would teach the same lesson without breaking my heart so please, please let this be the variant chosen if Hakuri must be offered up. Protect his smile and give him the chance to learn that he deserves to be loved as he is.

The Rakuzaichi Yet Proceeds So this one would be interesting as hell IMO. There's a case for this due to the fact that, despite reappearing on the stage in the real world, neither Chihiro nor Hiyuki actually touch it. Only Kyoura does.

God I love the perspective shots

A big point was made in Ch. 33 about how inviolable this wooden platform is:

Lotta prestige tied to keeping people off a glorified wooden pallet, but hey what do I know. I'm not a human trafficker or abusive parent brainwashed into serving a merchant cult family.

So even when the whole thing seems poised to come crashing down, Kyoura alone remains worthy to stand on it. And if we don't see any non-Sazanami clan members step on it by the end of the arc, I think that's a signal that things aren't quite done with them yet. Or at the very least, their legacy will live on untarnished despite the head of the family falling in combat. They could become legends in the underworld for maintaining the sanctity of the Rakuzaichi until the very end. Not very wholesome for Team Goldfish, but hey, it's a comparatively small price to pay. I've got a lot of thoughts about what various scenarios would mean, but I'll wait until we actually see what happens before speculating too much. I will, however, do some Hakuri agendaposting while I'm here though!

I would find it incredibly tasty if Hakuri managed to stand on the stage at the very end somehow. Just for one last hearty "fuck you" to his sperm donor, you know? And to satisfy the part of my monkey brain that loves total vindication. The "worthless" kid who was instrumental in bringing down his family standing in the sacred zone he was supposed to protect, but was deemed unworthy of... that he rejects wholeheartedly while being the first since the progenitor to inherit both signature sorceries... yesssss. Especially considering this:

RIP Tenri, gone too soon

I go feral for stuff like this. Hakuri is the Special Boy. He deserves the moment, if he can figure out a way to get there before he collapses after helping Chihiro.

Magatsumi Goes MIA Once More I think this is the most likely price to be paid. Chihiro's heroics will cause him to miss out on recovering the Super Evil Sword, which could end up just about anywhere at this point. Recovered by the Kamunabi, the Hishaku clan swooping in to take it, the wielder using Kyoura's body to abscond with it to parts unknown... anything's possible! But probably not Team Goldfish escaping into the night with it. Saving people at the cost of missing his big chance to recover his father's "masterpiece" seems like an appropriate setback for Chihiro right now. It'll throw his plans into disarray and really force him to look at his priorities and strategies thus far. Team Goldfish are mighty but they can't take on two massive orgs like the Kamunabi and Sazanamis at once, especially if the Hishaku are meddling. He'll get his reality check and prepare to make hard choices in the future. Save everyone, every time, and chase the blades forever? Or entertain a slightly less idealistic mindset to better the chances of success? Very tantalizing potential here, yes yes. It also ties in nicely with the main talking point of this chapter- much better than losing an ally would, at any rate.

Capturiffic Times I think this is the least likely given the circumstances, but may as well mention it just in case. Both Chihiro and Hakuri are worn down to their last dregs and aren't in a position to fend off anyone that could come at them. Maybe Hiyuki decides to capture Chihiro to take him to the Kamunabi instead of killing him, while Shiba retreats with Hakuri? Or Hakuri is captured by the Kamunabi/remaining Sazanamis while Shiba prioritizes escaping with Chihiro? Shiba gives himself up to let Chihiro and Hakuri run? Again, seriously doubt this scenario. They might not get out in one piece or with everything they hoped for, but I'm pretty sure that Team Goldfish will be able to flee to fight another day.

Anyway. Yapped too much again. Thank you void for letting me ramble into your uncaring ear once more. See you next week, probably.

[1moreff-creator]

Happy Birthday Eden Tobisa!

Turns out our favorite clock girly has her birthday on New Year's Eve! What a nice date for such a nice girl! Let's do a character analysis, fun facts, and songs!

-We know relatively little about Eden's backstory. The most notable thing we know about her life before the killing game, apart from her fascination with clocks, is what is revealed in her chapter 2 secret: "Ever since you kissed her, you were afraid your sexuality would ruin your friendships." Which is pretty straightforward; she's canonically a lesbian and is worried it would negatively affect her friendships.

-Literally the only other thing we know about her backstory is that she lived in Japan for a small period of time when she was younger, before moving back to the US. This was revealed in a Q&A.

(... You know, I made a deranged theory in my Mai post that maybe the girl that Eden kissed was actually Mai. It wasn't very serious, since it was just a silly way to try to explain what the hell Eden's quote in the Mai page could mean. But... we know Teruko was in Japan for a while when she was younger, and it's theorized she knew Mai before being separated from her at some point. Combined with Mai's name being seemingly Japanese, it could imply Mai also lived in Japan at some point. And if that's the case, it's possible she met Eden there? To be clear, that's still an insane possibility, but I do find it a funny possibility, which is why I'm sharing it)

-Apart from that, Eden's defining trait is her optimism and her trust in others. She sticks to Teruko's side even after she starts pushing everyone away in CH 1, and confesses to her that she believes "not caring about others is the worst way to live." She's importantly not naive, she does know their situation is horrible, but still she constantly searches for an exit and tries to build good friendships with the others.

-This includes baking with Min, Rose and Teruko in CH1, inviting Teruko and Arei to make clocks on CH2, etc. Basically, she's awesome and nice and mature.

-Also she loves clocks. Regular Ultimate stuff, she can apparently spend hours and hours working and losing track of time.

-Although for such an optimistic character, her secret quote is quite ominous. "You can't go back, no matter how hard you try." We have zero clue what this means at the moment, but at least it does fit the symbolism of time always moving forward.

-Meanwhile, her quote in the Mai page is "She kept calling the number, even though no one picked it up." This is even more incomprehensible! Eden, what in the world are you talking about?

-Alright, David MV. She doesn't have a color in Color Theory, but her numeral is XII (twelve). Go to 1:48:28 in this video for an explanation. God it's so convenient to have that lol.

Alright fun facts!

-As stated, her birthday (December 31st) lands on New Year's Eve. Maybe representing new beginnings or change, which certainly goes well with her character. How nice!

-Like most of the cast, she's American and right-handed.

-She's one of the only characters with dyed hair. Her hair was originally just brown.

-Her favorite color is daffodil yellow, because it's happy, and her least favorite color is blue, because it's "kind of a downer color." Areden shippers in shambles.

-Her favorite ice cream flavor is honeycomb. I didn't even know that existed but go off queen.

-She enjoys cute fashion, but also enjoys wearing androgynous style clothing.

-She likes food which is fun to make or prepare. How nice!

-She's biracial; her mother is black and her father is Japanese. This is why she spent a bit of time in Japan when she was younger.

-Her name in kanji is 飛佐【とび ・ さ】楽【いーでん】. Gonna leave any actual meaning as homework, but it's worth noting her name was anglicized. I think that would translate to "Iden", but her mother liked the name "Eden", so they went with that instead.

Finally, songs that remind me of her!

-Positive Parade by DECO*27

-Gone Fishing by Ghost & Pals (friendship!)

-Aura by Ghost & Pals

-In Iolite by Ghost & Pals

-Magnet by minato

-Those Who Carried On by Ghost & Pals

-I'm Glad You're Evil Too by PinocchioP

And Happy Birthday! And a happy new year! Well wishes to all you Tumblr peeps. Take care!

[sillygoofyqueer]

Not to be a Debbie downer during these amusing, light hearted times, but I recently left a group chat where some of the people in it had the wildest fucking takes and now I really just need to rant about it before I go insane. So, uh, rant about society and women below (crude language, I guess?)

I'm sick of people sexualising breasts. The whole point of breasts is to feed babies and make sure they have the necessary sustenance to survive. That's it. They aren't there for sexual pleasure or men's entertainment or any other bat shit ideas for it. Get it out of your fucking head that they are something scandalous and wild - and yes, people don't want to show their breasts or anything because society has framed them to be linked to modesty and sex rather than anything else. The fact that we can't picture a life where that is normal is because we have never lived that life - people have never been given the chance because god forbid people with breasts don't cover them up!! Scandalous!! They must be a whore trying to tempt me!!!! Fuck that shit. AND, AFTER I EXPLAINED THAT BREASTS WERE SEXUALISED, ONE OF THESE GUYS tried to be like "hm, I disagree" and I said "all due respect, I don't think you have thr necessary experience to disagree" and he said "what experiences would I need?" And I was like "???? HAVING TITS???"

Linked to this is a comment one of the people in my group chat made being like "oh, what are your guys' opinions on the new Halloween trend" and, although I don't know what it's about, it was described using the phrase of women wearing "nipple covers and body paint", implying they are shirtless. And what do I say to that?? We don't get a fucking opinion!!! It doesn't fucking affect you in any way that is actually fucking remotely important so shut the fuck up! You wouldn't be saying shit like this if a cis guy was doing the same "trend" so why make a big fucking deal about it now?? Awh, are your sensibilities being offended? 🥺 Is baby too pathetic to see that he is the problem 🥺🥺?? Shut the fuck up. Keep your nose out of other people's business and stop commenting on shit like somebody else showing off their body. It doesn't fucking concern you and your stupid beliefs don't fucking matter here. "B-But they're just doing it for a reaction"- once again SO WHAT?? It's not your body, and you don't own these people. Get a grip on yourself, you fucking dumbass.

Finally, let's talk about how the same guy said that he wouldn't date a woman with a high body count because "it shows that she's not loyal" and like...hello??? What the fuck do you think a body count is? Unless someone has cheated whilst in a relationship with someone, body count doesn't even remotely come into play when deciding a relationship. Body count is about sex, and who someone sleeps with outside of a relationship is none of your fucking business. If they want to tell you then great, woohoo, whatever, but it actually does not fucking matter. "Oh, what if someone has a body count of fifty by 22" was this from someone who was cheating? No?? Then who fucking cares. A person's body count does not fucking define them - come on, this is the BASICS of a healthy relationship. Are you implying that someone who has a high body count cannot possibly want to settle down with someone eventually? (Because that's what he did) Would you tell someone who didn't want to have kids but now does that they aren't allowed to be a parent because, at one point in their life, they didn't want kids? Bro was saying "oh, if they can prove that they want to settle down then I'd date them" and I said "how would someone prove that??" and this motherfucker said "by not sleeping with other people like they have for the past five years" LIKE THAT ISN'T THE DEFINITION OF A RELATIONSHIP. LIKE, LIKE HE WAS MAKING SOME SORT OF GRAND STATEMENT. Motherfuckers are so dumb I swear to god.

And god forbid you point out how much of an INCEL they sound like, because nooo, they could never be an incel, they're soooo respectful of women, as if I haven't been having to deconstruct their views on women for the longest fucking time. I give up with that shit. Fuck. Them. "Oooh, I want my woman to have never slept with anyone else and to only ever sleep with me" this isn't the fucking nineteenth century. People don't give a shit about that anymore. Get your head out of your ass and learn to be better or fucking suffer.

GOD. I'm so sorry but I had to get this off my chest, it has been plaguing all of my thoughts since it happened and I'm just really glad I left that groupchat (even if I didn't explain to them how fucking stupid they were for the trend comment)

[thatfreshi]

"Just Drunk" (Uni AU P. 13)

tw - drunkenness, mentions of abuse

The date with Halsin goes off without a hitch. No funny business happens of course, nothing further than a peck on the cheek. It's late when you get back, with no text from Astarion. At this point it's the early hours of the morning, close to three, and you hear two familiar male voices out in the hall.

"God, I don't know how they made you an RA! You're sloppy drunk right now Astarion, it's embarrassing."

You were about to go to sleep, but apparently not anymore.

"Gale, you're such a Debbie Downer! What, can I not have a little fun?"

"No, not when you can barely walk. Did you drive here?"

"A magician never tells."

When you open your door, rubbing your eyes at the bright lights in the hall, you do indeed see Gale and Astarion, the latter leaning awkwardly against the wall.

"Thank God. Please Tav, talk some sense into him."

At this point, your albino friend is laughing to himself over nothing, clearly hysterical.

"Oh Gale, you think Tav can fix this? You think any of you can fix this?! I'm doomed! Entirely doomed! And there's nothing either of your sorry souls can do about it."

You don't know what to say. Sure, he said he was going to go get drunk, but you figured it was the kind of thing where he'd have like three drinks and just get a little loose, have some fun.

"Aster, did you really drive back to campus like this?"

Deep down, you know he's not going to answer your question with any reason, and it pains you. Everything about him right now pains you, in a way you've never felt before.

"So what if I did? Should I have called you, asked for you to drive me home? So you can keep saying pretty things at me, so you can keep getting my hopes up?"

He slides to sit down in the hallway while you and Gale just watch, unable to look away.

"It's just like he says you know. Without the magazines covers, the fashion shows, I'm nothing! Just some sad broke kid who wanted to go to law school. What a joke..."

You go to grab his hand to pull him up, to try and lead him back to his room, but he pulls the sleeve down as he stands, showing Gale all the scabbed marks you saw before, back when they were open wounds.

"Look! You think I'm so pretentious right? That my life is so perfect? Look Gale, look at them! Think you're so cool now huh? All those times you and Shadowheart talked behind my back... and now you want to be friends? All because some stranger told you I'm a good person?"

You're holding him up at this point as Gale stands in shock, unsure of what to say.

"Astarion, you need to go back to your room now. This isn't helping anyone."

You motion to Gale to help you with the lanky drunk, and he comes to your aid, trying to avert his gaze from that ripped-up arm. When you get the chance, you pull his sleeve back down. After a lot of mumbling from Astarion and some awkward movement down the hall, you get to his door. Luckily the RA master keys work on all the rooms, so Gale scans in. You lead him into his bedroom.

"Gale, can you get some water? God damn it Astarion, why?"

He's not all there anymore, starting to lose the rage he had before he got back into his room. Mumbles come out of his mouth, words you don't hear as you take off his shoes.

"What did you say?"

"I said... how was Halsin? He's a sweet one, isn't he?"

"Don't worry about that right now Aster, we need to get you some water and you need to get to bed."

As if on cue, Gale comes in with a cup.

"I don't want it from him."

Astarion glares at his fellow RA, and you motion for him to leave.

"I got it, thank you so much Gale, really."

He leaves the cup with you and makes his way out of the dorm. You try to hand the pale man the water, but he simply ignores you, staring somewhere that isn't even existent. Instead, you leave the water on his nightstand, and try to get him to lie down. When he does finally go supine, you sit by him on the bed for a moment, realizing just how horrible you feel. He tries to say something, but drifts off, falling asleep soon after.

After you know he's fully unconscious, something in you just snaps, and you start sobbing. It's impossible. His entire situation is simply impossible, and he's right. There's nothing you can do about it. You can say all the nice things you want, give him all the stuff he already knows, but there's no way out. At least not an easy one. Something in your heart winces though, as if you need to throw up, you're filled with both concern and disgust. This soul you've gotten to know so quickly, he's become such a staple, and yet lives are so fleeting. What if he hadn't made it back? Even worse, what if he had hurt someone else on the way back? That fear swallows you whole, and you decide not to leave, instead walking out to sleep on the couch.

When you awake the next morning, it's to the sound of the damned espresso machine. You rub your eyes, and look up towards the kitchenette, and surely enough there's Astarion, wide awake, even if he looks like a train wreck. For the first time ever, you see his hair a mess.

"Good morning."

He sips his coffee, and you slowly sit up. You're not sure what to say, the night prior very clear in your head. When you do go to open your mouth, he talks before you can start.

"I'm sorry you had to see that spectacle last night. I expected you'd be in bed with the hippie."

With coffee in hand, he walks over to sit next to you on the couch.

"Been a while since I've been quite that drunk."

"You... you really scared me."

Your eyes well with tears again.

"I was fine darling, just drunk."

"Yeah, but you were saying a lot of scary, sad things. You, you showed Gale your arm, yelled at him."

"I remember, sadly. Guess I'll have to deal with that at some point, but I have to leave for the fitting soon."

"You're still going to that?"

"Of course. Tav, this isn't optional. Cazador, he's not the kind that you just play disappearing games with."

That hopelessness from last night, it swims back into your system, infecting your entire nervous system. You're sick to your stomach.

"You can't! You can't... you can't go."

You're choking out sobs at this point, begging some kind of higher power to undo all of this. Astarion doesn't know what to say, unsure why you're crying so much. This is just life, and the lows are extremely low.

"That's not how it works darling. I have to. It's just how things are."

There's nothing else to say, because he's right. It just hurts, to watch him in pain, and you know only more awaits after last night's choice to ignore Cazador's phone call.

"I'll be okay. I've been through worse."

And then he gives you a weak smile, but it's genuine. A tear drops out of one of his eyes, landing on the couch.

"Now, it's best if you get going. But maybe I'll see you later?"

"Yeah... yeah, I'll see you later."

You get up and wipe at your eyes, grabbing your phone off the coffee table.

"Oh, and how were things with Halsin?"

How could he even ask about such a thing, at a moment like this?

"It... it was fine."

In truth, it was much better than fine. And yet, the memory fades in comparison to this, to what you feel right now. But, just what is it? He says nothing in return, and you leave, letting the question of what feeling is nagging at you haunt you for the rest of the day.

[mel-155-a]

I fucking hate being trans and also transitioning was the correct decision and I have no idea how to square those two things.

Hormones took way too long to do way too little, almost twelve years down the line I still get constantly misgendered, my tits are...fine. I guess. Average, which is honestly more than I expected so.....woo.

Vocal training makes me suicidal and a significant majority of the people offering it are actually offering extremely overpriced singing lessons when they aren't even qualified in anyway to do that beyond "being good at singing". I'm still stuck in a shitty cycle of trying it and failing hard every couple of years, because my voice makes me cry when I fail to disassociate properly from it in my day to day life and actually hear it.

It took me ten years to get the first stage of a colovaginalplasty in July, and it's been three months of pain, frustration, anxiety, and fear as my reward for the previous ten years of endless humiliation and stress that was constantly getting fucked with by surgeon's offices and insurance companies. I have never been particularly horny, but even for me, three months of any kind of masturbation or sex being complicated and difficult to get anything out of is a whole fucking lot to deal with.

I am getting the second stage in December, and the wait is hellish and the healing process is going to be worse, another extended painful, frustrating, anxiety and fear inducing healing period that will likely last at least a year, maybe longer. And it may or may not be over at that point, I might need revisions which will require more healing and frustration and pain.

I could try to get some kind of FFS so I could look in the mirror without cringing, but god, MORE surgery? Having to go through another years long process to try and force an insurance company to cover it, only to get the chance to be miserable for a year or more? Yeah, sounds great. Just what I wanted.

Make-up is a no go because of the face stuff, clothes generally don't fit me because I am a freakishly large 6'3" 230 something pound giant, and even when I do find something, a new skirt might feel good for an afternoon if I am really lucky. Getting misgendered in it regularly lasts forever.

And the trans community is just FUCKED. I know I am a traumatized, depressed, downer pretty regularly, and that is after ten years of therapy and trying really hard to get better. There are quite a lot of trans people who have not had the chance to do that ten years of work on themselves and oof. It shows. It's not their fault, but god is it draining to constantly be around.

Add in the fact that I am a trans woman who has the gall to not be bright, happy, and conventionally attractive, that I am not the girldick sex bunny AND I am also not the humble non-passing ogress who is none-the-less so proud and happy to be trans, who has pride flag everything and a dozen Blahajs around and just...ugh. I can feel people just waiting for a reason to make the call-out posts and when I eventually come across them where they think I won't see, I just want to never talk to anyone again.

Nothing about being trans is good for me. It is all an exercise in misery both internal and external that I can never escape. But it was also the right choice, not transitioning was worse. What the fuck do I do with that?

It's made even worse because I feel like I am "betraying the cause" or something, hurting all the other vulnerable trans women around me and the non trans femmes I love and have in my life, by being this just constantly screaming pain parade. That there should be a finish line to all this and I should have reached it by now, and been able to come back and happily report to everyone else that their time wandering in the desert will end as well.

I am just stuck. I don't have the resources or ability to disappear into the background and leave being trans behind except as a historical footnote, and it's all so normalized that any joy or novelty is long, long gone, leaving just the pain. I am not sure the joy and novelty were EVER there for me personally. If they were, the memories are so distant and faded as to be meaningless.

So...what the fuck do I do? There isn't a Transition 2 to get me out of the rut. This is just my life. And it fucking sucks.

I feel really apprehensive about posting this, I feel like people will be weird about it. But I am pretty sure that I can't be the only person who feels like this. Who feels stuck, left behind, and unwelcome because they are miserable with the thing that they are constantly told should have saved them. So, if that sounds like you, you aren't alone. I don't have any answers either, but we can have a little pity party together I guess. Wooooo.

[morningstar-chronicles]

after honest-to-gods saying my first prayer in months, i think i'm going to try and permashift tonight. i think a lot of you can probably tell that my mental health went downhill really fast tonight (💀) and i've decided it's now or never. not to be a debbie downer, but shifting is really all i have left at this point.

don't fret- in the event that i don't shift tonight, i've made moves to improve my CR life. shifting is definitely preferable, but not all hope is lost if i don't. i'll update tomorrow if i'm still around, but in the event that i don't, know that i'm living my best life in a parallel reality 🩵

p.s. ily all!!!

edit: FALSE ALARM GUYS i just have a fever and it's making me go insane

[foone]

My current problem with mastodon is that it's full of nerds. Well, let me rephrase that, because everywhere is full of nerds: it's full of the most annoying kind of nerds. I'll explain under the readmore, because it got long.

Every time I've posted something on mastodon, I've gotten a bunch of replies that seem to be trying to explain things to me. And it's not like I'm posting "hey how do I install Ubuntu on a Samsung tablet?", I'm mainly going "here's some electronics I'm tearing down" or "I'm hacking this game and wow it does the font in a weird way!"

Neither of these is really an invitation to explain at me. And sure, when I did this on Twitter, I'd get these occasionally. There's always one person who thinks they know more than you and is like "I have to explain at this person!"

But on mastodon it's CONSTANT. I post a quick note about how someday I want to find ask the game developers why they encoded the font like this, and in like 12 hours I've gotten like 14 replies all trying to fontsplain at me.

And it would only be half as annoying if they were right! Cause that's the thing, too: THEY'RE NOT. Tons of people are assuming I am hacking a Pokémon game because I mentioned Game Freak, but nope! It's Drill Dozer. And others are explaining how the GameBoy hardware works when this is a GBA game... Jesus.

It's just... Some weird social thing. Maybe because mastodon co-existed with Twitter for so long as the open source Libre-Twitter, it attracted the kind of nerds who only use open source software, and they built networks of similar people. The kind of people that think they are and have to be the smartest guy in the room. And even now with a massive migration from Twitter to Mastodon, their early-adoption of this platform is influencing the culture of it. Maybe mastodon is just the kind of place where you explain tech at people.

Or maybe it's a cultural thing where it's more like 4chan's anonymous culture, where you don't assume or know things about people. There are no reputations, just interchangeable anonymous/pseudoanonymous people. Reddit often has that sort of thing going too, where if you are a Known Person, it's never a good thing. (just ask The Cylinder Guy).

Or maybe... It's just me. I wasn't the most well known weirdo on Twitter but I had a good number of followers. Maybe on Twitter it was more likely that people knew that I was "Foone, hacker of fonts and tearer downer of electronics!", but on mastodon I'm getting a lot of followers that haven't gotten to know me yet, and... Just assume I blundered into hacking a GBA game without knowing anything about how the GBA hardware and font encodings work?

Cause like, I've got about 20k followers on mastodon and I kinda assume those are just a subset of my Twitter followers who migrated over but maybe I have a bunch of new followers who were mastodon-only until now, and they're like "oh I've heard of that foone punk. Nothing specific but supposedly they're a big deal on Twitter, so now that they've joined mastodon I should follow them!"

Or maybe it is mostly a subset but only the most annoying explainy 20k of Twitter followers followed me over to mastodon? I don't know.

And it's the kind of thing where this happening occasionally would be fine. You get used to annoying replies when you have enough followers, no matter what social network you're on.

And God forbid you have something go viral! Fun fact: even if only one person in a thousand is a massive dick, if you have a post get seen by a million people, that's a lot of dicks.

I don't want to sound like "foone complains because they/their shit is popular", that's not really the problem. I've got a bunch of followers on here as well, but ya'll aren't coming into every post I make and trying to explain them at me.

Which is honestly odder? I would have thought it would be the other way around. Like, all my mastodon posts are like "I am hacking this video game: I am a reverse engineer" or "I am taking apart this electronic device: I'm a reverse engineer" or "I'm building this electronic device/software: I'm a forward engineer". So you'd think people would assume Mastodon!foone is the kind of person who Knows Things, as they're clearly highly technical in what they're doing.

But over here on Tumblr, while I may mention those kinds of things from time to time, I'm mostly doing shitposts, writing, fandom stuff, making jokes, being queer. You'd think it'd be much easier to assume Tumblr!foone doesn't know a huge amount about technical subjects and is therefore a great target for explaining at.

But it is a cultural thing, I guess. Mastodon is full of people who assume you don't really understand what you're talking about, and will explain at you. And Tumblr isn't.

Well, at least for technical stuff. You will get plenty of argumentative replies and reblogs, but less on a post about how GBA games encoding Latin text, and more on things like fandom and politics and queer identities. Although even then I would argue they're doing it on a different way, most of the time: they're not assuming you don't understand and explaining at you, they're more going "(I assume you understand), but I disagree" or "I explicitly think you don't understand: here is where you are wrong", vs the mastodon reply of "I'm assuming you don't understand, so let me explain at you what you're talking about".

I dunno. I don't really have a good solution here and this isn't going to be the reason I leave mastodon or anything, but it's odd, and annoying.

I'm not posting on mastodon as much as I posted on Twitter, and while part of that is that I split my online presence between Tumblr and mastodon instead of keeping it all mixed together on my Twitter, a big chunk of it is that mastodon is simply not as fun to post on as Twitter was, even accounting for my smaller follower count.

Because I'm not just getting a proportionally smaller number of interactions (which makes sense given how I have fewer mastodon followers than I had Twitter followers), I'm getting a larger proportion of really annoying interactions.

And I think what annoys me most is the assumption that I don't know what I'm talking about. Like, tearing stuff down and hacking games for their fonts? I am a professional! This is my job (mainly because I'm unemployed at the moment and my Patreon is my only source of cash), and it's not one I picked up recently. I have been hacking the fonts out of games for FIVE YEARS and as for tearing down electronics? I've been documenting that shit on Twitter/mastodon/etc for like eight years but I've been doing it since i was old enough to hold a screwdriver.

And yes, sure, explain things to me if I don't understand: those things will be clearly signposted. I'll be like "I'm not sure what this chip is, these silkscreens don't match anything on Google" and it's always useful if someone can pop in and go "oh that's a SMX8363 Network Biciever!" because they have some knowledge I don't, and I made it clear I don't know what it is.

But it's a whole different thing for me to post a picture of a PCB and day "okay here's the inside of the case", because I'm about to follow it up with closeups and details, and 5 people reply "chip U1 is a SMX8363, that transformates the network bananadines" because HEY I'M ABOUT TO POST THAT.

or worse, I already have, you just didn't scroll down enough to see it.

Anyway the reason I'm ranting about this here in Tumblr is because I'm not exactly trying to call these people out and get them to change their ways. At least one of the people on the most recent post is someone I've known for years and respect, and she has a lot of Pokémon knowledge, and was applying her specific technical background to help explain it. She's cool... But she just happened to reply along with a mob of random people I don't know, and she applied her highly specific Pokémon Knowledge onto a post that was never about Pokémon.

I'm just saying this here, because I'm musing about the differences I've experienced in different social networks. I can't really tell if it's about the networks themselves or just my particular bubble of followers and followed peoples. It could be either. Especially since Tumblr has some hugely different sub-communities (which is why Blaze can be so hilariously odd: it doesn't pay attention to those communities, and just randomly hits people across the site), and mastodon isn't even a single social network, it's a metanetwork of social networks which many (intentionally) broken links between subsets. (I had to move servers a few times because the first couple I picked had problems, like getting shut down, blocked by most of the western world, or getting put on a "probably bad to interact with" greylist)

I dunno. I'm slowly starting to lean towards posting more technical stuff here instead of mastodon, simply because I can post a neat old TV here and only get replies that are positive, whereas the same sort of thing on mastodon would get many more replies but most of them are trying to explain a TV at me.

Look, all I'm asking is that people don't assume my wonder at the complexities and weirdness of the world as ignorance and a request for education.

Because that's a big part of my social media persona! I don't know how "fake" it is (I'm autistic. I've been wearing masks so long I'm not sure there's anything under them), but it's a good way to interact with the world in my experience: the world is full of hidden wonders and it makes me happy to share them, and apparently people like learning about them when I'm talking about them in that way. It's like I'm putting on a Bill Nye mask so I can be amazed at everything, to some degree. It keeps me from getting bored and taking things for granted, it lets me discover hidden beauty, and people seem to enjoy that kind of attitude, especially on social networks increasingly full of negativity. I can be excited about this weird old computer, and hopefully I can talk about it in such a way that helps you share in some of that excited, and the world is a little brighter.

And it's just disheartening when you try to share in your excitement about the weird and the complex and unusual and get people going "um actually this is just a common design for systems that use the 430TX chipset, as it's a budget model that didn't implement AGP fully and instead used a PCI bridge chip to implement..." and it's like LET ME HAVE FUN AND SHARE THAT FUN EVEN IF YOU CAN'T.

It's not even that I'm getting less "wow that's cool!" replies, it's that I'm getting mostly "that's just some boring thing that makes sense if you've done five years of electrical engineering like I have" and I'm so tired of that kind of attitude. It just goes double when they're wrong and assumed something was boring because they understand it and I don't, when in reality I do understand it, and they missed the interesting bit because they came into the conversation already looking to rain on my parade and/or educate the fool that they assumed I was.

And don't get me wrong: I am very a fool. But I'm not every kind of fool. I know some things. And I'm not a fan of getting explained at as if I don't understand those things.

Terrible thought, that's probably not true: I got most of my Twitter followers before I was out as trans. I've been trans on mastodon since day one. Are these fuckers assuming I'm a woman and mansplaining at me? Like, they're not transphobic, they respect my identity (even if they have it wrong), but they're still sexist and by assuming I'm a woman, they also assume I don't know what I'm talking about?

God. I hope not.

Anyway. Tumblr and mastodon, won't you?

[distortionmewtwo]

*sigh*, this is all, not very fun, maybe Giratina or Dialga will listen though if we explain that well Palkia has had all this extra time to choose a champion and that gives them an edge and let's not forget while I mean no offense Dialga is the ruler of time and could've, ya know peaked into the future? Easy to get an edge when you can see what happens if that's within their power range, no disrespect meant of course I'm sure Dialga is more honorable than that but if one had the power the temptation to use it and peak and see must be there.

It'd make more sense for them to just have to pick a starter route pokemon of the same species each just on the spot no preplanning no premeditating you all get a Ratatta and then the Ratatta can play fight it out but of course much like how this situation isn't fair on Uv it wouldnt be fair on the Ratatta to have to fight because some Gods asked them too. Plus with like random stats one will have an advantage and one will win and they could start arguing over that since I can't really see anyone save the one with the winning champion being satisfied by the end of this.

Sorry about being a downer and all it's not my intent I'm just rambling trying to think of a solution while also trying to judge and consider their reactions in it all. I'd suggest maybe they could talk it out since they're all so important they're all needed and everything would fall apart without them doing their respective part and surely they can agree on that and just go we're all needed without one we all fall that must mean we're equal. But I get talking it out probably won't work and there's the whole "all animals are equal except some animals are more equal than others," eventually one of them will want to be more equal and this whole hullaboo starts all over. Unfortunately we can't all shake hands and be done with it.

Urghh respectfully, Fuck, this sucks, sorry for the bad language and I'm sorry Uv for my rambles I know this probably isn't fun to listen to I'm just trying to spitball anything that could work.

-U

"Soon, I will... tomorrow, perhaps, right now, I just.... I need to.... I... I don't know...."

Getting away from all this sounded very nice right now. Ultraviolet glanced back at Katharsis to see her reaction to JJ's invitation. While she looked very curious about the portal, she shook her head.

"I don't think it's my place to accompany you now. We can go our separate ways here for now... it was good to meet you, Ultraviolet, even with the circumstances... or maybe, because of the circumstances..."

He nodded in agreement. "W-Without you, I might.... never have found out about all this... and while I don't like a-any of it in the least... I must still thank you for that... and for being kind to me in the middle of this."

Katharsis nodded back, expression sympathetic. "Sorry for jumping at you earlier."

"Haha, I'll try."

With that, Katharsis turned and bounded back into the forest she'd first appeared from. Ultraviolet stood still for a moment, steeling himself, before he turned with a nod to JJ to go through the portal

...He'd never actually been to space before.... and the sight beyond the portal was so staggeringly beautiful that for just a moment, all that had happened was chased from his mind.

But that could only last so long. He felt small here.... naught but a pawn of the gods.

Ultraviolet still seems very upset. What do you do?

(Asks are officially open again!)

@justice-the-pandisaster