#i'm still struggling a lot
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bare with me as i try to do at least a few replies today to get back at the swing of things. i haven’t been writing so everything feels a lil bit off but let’s go.
#❅ wιтнoυт arrowѕ ( ooc ) ❅#that means i'll be slow so pls#have patience with me#i'm still struggling a lot#to have focus because#my head it's still#in the game but i'm trying
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People ask me sometimes how I'm so confident that we can beat climate change.
There are a lot of reasons, but here's a major one: it would take a really, really long time for Earth to genuinely become uninhabitable for humans.
Humans have, throughout history, carved out a living for themselves in some of the most harsh, uninhabitable corners of the world. The Arctic Circle. The Sahara. The peaks of the Himalayas. The densest, most tropical regions of the Amazon Rainforest. The Australian Outback. etc. etc.
Frankly, if there had been a land bridge to Antarctica, I'm pretty sure we would have been living there for thousands of years, too. And in fact, there are humans living in Antarctica now, albeit not permanently.
And now, we're not even facing down apocalypse, anymore. Here's a 2022 quote from the author of The Uninhabitable Earth, David Wallace-Wells, a leader on climate change and the furthest thing from a climate optimist:
"The most terrifying predictions [have been] made improbable by decarbonization and the most hopeful ones practically foreclosed by tragic delay. The window of possible climate futures is narrowing, and as a result, we are getting a clearer sense of what’s to come: a new world, full of disruption but also billions of people, well past climate normal and yet mercifully short of true climate apocalypse. Over the last several months, I’ve had dozens of conversations — with climate scientists and economists and policymakers, advocates and activists and novelists and philosophers — about that new world and the ways we might conceptualize it. Perhaps the most capacious and galvanizing account is one I heard from Kate Marvel of NASA, a lead chapter author on the fifth National Climate Assessment: “The world will be what we make it.”" -David Wallace-Wells for the New York Times, October 26, 2022
If we can adapt to some of the harshest climates on the planet - if we could adapt to them thousands of years ago, without any hint of modern technology - then I have every faith that we can adjust to the world that is coming.
What matters now is how fast we can change, because there is a wide, wide gap between "climate apocalypse" and "no harm done." We've already passed no harm done; the climate disasters are here, and they've been here. People have died from climate disasters already, especially in the Global South, and that will keep happening.
But as long as we stay alive - as long as we keep each other alive - we will have centuries to fix the effects of climate change, as much as we possibly can.
And looking at how far we've come in the past two decades alone - in the past five years alone - I genuinely think it is inevitable that we will overcome climate change.
So, we're going to survive climate change, as a species.
What matters now is making sure that every possible individual human survives climate change as well.
What matters now is cutting emissions and reinventing the world as quickly as we possibly can.
What matters now is saving every life and livelihood and way of life that we possibly can.
#hope my reasoning here makes sense#idk I'm just a person who does a lot of research and posting talking about my take on things#I'm not any kind of Real Authority#but still#and for what it's worth the climate and climate transition data I've been following DOES make me confident in this conclusion#I struggled with the line between recognizing the very real damages of climate change#especially on the global south and especially in the last few years#and focusing on the positive instead of regaling you all with depressing situations#especially when there is so much amazing work being done throughout marginalized countries and marginalized groups#literally if rich countries just paid climate reparations and did actual decolonization/landback#a lot of communities could sort out the shit they need to sort out themselves#and/or in alliance and solidarity with each other#or at least most of the things they need to sort out!!#cough anyway#climate change#climate action#climate emergency#climate crisis#global warming#climate solutions#hope#hope posting#not news#me
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a simple little Essek portrait, was playing around with going greyscale > colors again :)
#critical role#critical role fanart#essek thelyss#the mighty nein#cr 2#critical doodles#i still struggle a lot with greyscale to color but i'm trying !!
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ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:
i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???
#ramble#sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well#if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD#he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE#like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one#holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do#and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that#idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything#also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore#so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks#also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently#also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this#again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable#if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time
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A pokemon masters screenshot redraw that got Way Out Of Hand. (and I insist on posting this as a redraw, I feel the original context is Important)
Also, I finally remembered to record my process of drawing this (and then some :^D)
#volo#ウォロ#pokemon#pla#pokemon legends arceus#pokemon masters ex#mareep#giratina#yes it's there trust me#mine#fanart#so i took that snap and I thought it was hilarious and was immediately struck with an idea#I was like alright i need to draw him like a biblical fresco or something with a halo behind his head and holding a lamb#and then I just kept getting ideas and this went Someplace Else#but I'm still quite happy with it#the background gave me a lot of trouble though#on another canvas because I didn't want to show my struggle in the recording KHGD#but fwends helped and I'm eternally grateful#I was gonna add audio to the video#or I originally did#I had Volo's theme#then like two seconds of Doopliss' theme from Paper Mario ttyd#but then the video got in a stupid aspect ratio and I would have had to do it all over again And I Can't Be Bothered#ysee I was playing that with fiance while drawing this and wanted to draw that lil ghostie#and then yume nikki day happened and I had to draw Madotsuki#so yeah enjoy the process of that too#christ this is too many tags anyway take this
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so i saw this old-ish post about an au centering around a villain lewis and a hero arthur,,, and i. may have gotten attached to it,, dkdndkdjs. so i decided to make some edits + doodles based on it!! i also really wanna make a lil oneshot about it as well,, but uh... whether or not i actually follow through on that, we'll see,, skdjsojdks.
edit: good news, gang,, i wrote the fic!!
#my art#mystery skulls animated#lewis pepper#msa lewis#arthur kingsmen#msa arthur#really happy with how their designs came out !!!#it was a bit of a struggle to make lewis not just look like how he is in canon but with a cape;;#but i think the patterns + sugar skull makeup help a lot!#imagining lewis has the power to just turn into a ghost form;; which he uses for villain stuff. think danny phantom#(<- has never watched danny phantom)#and arthur's just kinda like batman; makes his own gadgets and stuff! i imagine his metal arm also has some fun doodads in it#still debating on why exactly arthur is so beat up in the potential fic; so far i'm thinking maybeeee reverb?#or maybe just some unknown new villain guy#and yes i know there's additions in the post i linked where everyone agrees it was actually mystery#not even murder mystery just. mystery.#i am politely ignoring that. bc i don't like that.#mystery is just vivi's not-dog in my version of this au.#'vivi please don't try and break into a dangerous supervillain's lair to try and rescue some hero' he says to her#meanwhile vivi's already halfway there#being vivi's dog is a full-time job
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something something blood-soaked hands cradling your face something something
anyway here's the post btw
#what if post dp3 logan struggles to emotionally accept that wade Will Actually For Real Survive Anything#and one time they are fighting some random baddies#and they somehow get in a few shots straight to wade's cranium and he drops like a bag of slutty slutty potatoes#and logan goes full berserker trying to get to him#like he just massacres everyone in his way and wade still isnt getting up ohnoohnoohnonotagainohno#(healing factor or no a few direct shots to the brain stem/t box take a bit to recover from)#(no more than five minutes but it's an eternity to logan)#and his heart sinks to the very core of the earth as he kneels down next to wade's body#and his hands are shaking and soaked in blood and he can't seem to sheathe his claws in his dazed adrenalined state#he tries to peel back wade's mask and fear is just *pounding* through his system because in that moment#all he can see are the xmen dead in massive pools of blood#and that feeling of unreality is rushing over him like thiscantbehappeningthiscantbehappeningnotagainohgodnotagain#wade's still and unresponsive and there is so Much BLOOD (hard to tell how much is Wade's and how much is just on his hands)#and logan doesn't even realize he's crying until suddenly wade's eyes light up like a computer restarting#and he's smiling and gasping and joking immediately#“well howdy there hot stuff what did I miss?”#and then he clocks that logan is Not Okay#“... well gee willikers golly goddamn peanut 'twas only a flesh wound! no need to go all waterworks over lil ol me”#“you know it would take a helluva lot more than that to make me shuffle off this here mortal coil!”#“see all better I'm hunky dory peachy keen right as fucking rain”#“I mean cmon I can't have been out for more than five minutes so let's just go back to you being exasperated with my bullshit antics okay??#“...okay sugarboobs? snookums? babycakes?.... Logan?”#and they just sit there on the floor holding each other for a while#wade babbling and logan crying about everything he's lost and wondering distantly how he has come to care so much#about this blithering jokester in like barely a week#that the thought of losing him brought him crashing back to the worst memory of his extremely rough life#anyway that's enough tag mini fic lolol I'm having feelings about my own drawing I guess 😵#poolverine#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine art
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Random thoughts but
imagine Boothill going to the Luofu and meeting Jing Yuan and by extension Yanqing and it's like "Wow! You guys are motherfudging cool!"
But it occurs to him how young Yanqing is and he can't help but think that maybe his daughter could have grown and made friends with him. It's somewhat concerning that this little guy is in the constant face of danger. Boothill gets it, the kid's strong, but the dad in him worries just a bit.
Then maybe Boothill and Jing Yuan talk while eating (well, Boothill chewing on a bullet probably), and he brings it up casually, smoothly but the General knows what he's trying to get at.
Jing Yuan talks about how he's also feels worry, that he had thought about what it meant to raise Yanqing as a son, retainer, and a soldier. It takes some moments but Boothill finally openly talks about his daughter and how he wishes that he got to see beyond her first steps. That she could have had the chance to play guitar or ride horses or even learn to drive a spaceship. He feels afraid for Yanqing because isn't that boy still so small?
And Jing Yuan agrees with a thin, close-eyed smile that Boothill recognizes but can't put a name to. They reach a mutual understanding yet unanswered questions hang in the air.
#honkai star rail#boothill#jing yuan#hsr yanqing#incomplete thoughts i'm sorry ToT#these two have specific similarities that'd be wild to see compared in-game#free roaming dad who lost his kid vs restricted to one position dad who still has his kid#there's a lot to chew on here but i'm too brainfried to write more than that ToT#how would boothill and jing yuan feel in this scenario? it'd be cool to hear how other ppl answer this question#i personally see boothill looking out for yanqing#and he'd probs vibe with jing yuan and really admire him since his vl about dh indicate he really respects the xianzhou#struggling jpg thinks
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do you consider your self made?
#my art#self portrait of sorts#been musing a lot on disability recently and how being relatively freshly unable to do Most Things has changed my perspective on things#for a long time growing up i was fixated on the idea of being An Impact On The World yknow? mainly the next Big Writer#(and that it would be sooo impressive that everyone would make my books bestsellers when i was only 12 because it was That Good)#and i mean. obviously that didnt work out as originally planned because i was 12 and learning. but I've felt a lot like#I've kind of built my sense of self on those big achievements. even if they were only big to me. and a lot of them#are now out of reach or very difficult to reach. and it's been a lot to. recontextualize#to take what ive been told my whole life and ignore it in favor of just being being enough.#things will happen as they happen. i havent earned anything by suffering but it hasnt ended the world either#im here doing what i Can do for as long as I'm able to do it. and thats all i need to be for now#just making sure that i Do do the things i can do rather than assume i can do them later#anyways. love you#cw:#top nudity#artistic nudity#the dreaded ambiguously presenting nipple#if you put any pro weight loss eating disorder shit on here ill kill you btw#my body is sexy because im in it and im still alive. not because its struggling to stay that way#lindwormposting
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Do you have a group discord server? If others want to chill and interact with you. Just wondering
That aside just hoping you’re doing okay Blastic. Still, if you’re not your gotta a lot people care about you.
I look forward to seeing how the rest of the game goofs.
—goofball anon
I don't and sadly I don't think I will make one. It would be fun to interact with people who enjoys my work and wants to chat with me but I just feel it would be too much work for me to handle a discord server. So at least for now I'm not planning to make one.
#and how I've been doing??#there been ups and downs#maybe bit better?? At least compared to what it was when this month started#I felt so numb for some reason#I just wanted to lie in bed and do nothing because nothing was making me happy. Not even drawing or playing games#I do still get these kind of days but it hasn't been that bad and I have got some amount motivation back to draw again at least#wanting to play games though still have been very low#but I'm taking small steps#I'm also sorry for not having much good news and that I've been so quiet nowadays#I just been struggling a lot what to say and anxiety isn't making things any easier#but I want to thank everyone who are still here hanging around and enjoying my work#even though I have these struggles I'm happy that you guys still want to support me<33 Thank you<33#not sure did I word these right but I tried my best#and I will also do my best not to give up and keep on going 🌱#ask#anon
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please....can u speak on the conspiracy
So the conspiracy (more like a theory, really) is that Kimi was pushed out of the team starting in 2008 to make way for Fernando, who was more appealing to the big sponsor coming in. Before you click out thinking "Max, that's stupid, no team would throw a championship for a sponsor." I agree! But keep in mind that they didn't throw the championship, they fully expected to win the WDC with Felipe (and almost did) and did in fact win the WCC in 2008 with Felipe and Kimi despite everything. But there were really suspicious things going on. So with that in mind...
It's 2008. Kimi has just won Malaysia, the second race of the season. Three days after his win, there's this:
.
Ok, kinda weird, but whatever. F1 runs on rumours, right? Suggesting that Kimi might retire when he's doing so well is silly. And in the article they seem to be pretty ambivalent over whether it would be Felipe or Kimi to leave.
Fast forward to Spain two races later. Kimi scores his second win of the season and takes the championship lead. The season is shaping up pretty well for the defence of the title, you’d think this would be a good time for him, but again, the story du jour is Ferrari wanting Alonso in Kimi’s seat for 2009.
[x] I guess now we know at least Massa's seat is secure...?
If you’re like me, that sounds stupid. The reigning champion just won the last GP and his contract runs until the end of 2010, so this media narrative makes no sense. Something pretty catastrophic would have to happen for that to ever come to fruition, right?
So anyway, he gets a first row start in Monaco. Great, that's almost a surefire win/points, right? Wrong, he got a drive-through penalty due to the team not fitting the wheels to the car on time before the race start. Not a great race and he ends up outside of the points. Lewis is now ahead in the WDC by 3 points. Not really a disaster, but...
[x] what on earth...
[x] again the talk of retirement.... I mean, it's weird, right?
Zero points in Canada due to being rear-ended in the pitlane, which the team can’t control. Then he’s back to being neck to neck with his teammate and Lewis by the time the British GP is done in early July, with all three drivers on 48 points. Good news, right? Just gotta stay on track and not fuck it up somehow.
[x] sigh... (this one's a little harder to source as it was printed media, but I've seen this exact interview quoted in different pages)
So anyway, they change his front suspension for the next race in Germany. Kimi has always been very sensitive to changes in the car, so he knew something was wrong. Ferrari (via Michael, who was then head of development) say he's just not adapting well to the upgrades. Maybe, sure, but why aren't you bringing upgrades that are geared towards your world champion?
(an interesting remark from Mark Hughes here if you scroll down to the comments, which adds weight to Kimi not being listened to when it came to car development in 2008)
Bar a podium in Hungary, Kimi scores 0 points in 4 out of the next 5 races. It takes until either Monza or Singapore (hello crashgate!) for Ferrari to put his suspension back as it was.
He proceeds to get 3 podiums in the remaining 3 races but it’s not enough to catch up. By Singapore he was already 27 points behind his teammate (reminder this is the old points system) and very much expected to play the supporting role. In the penultimate race in China he very obviously gave up P2 to his teammate:
"I know what the team expects." [x] / [x]
Yet the narrative in the media and from Ferrari themselves is that his motivation is bad and he's not assertive. It was so pervasive that to this day people still parrot it and say he just didn’t care after 2007, despite Kimi always stating he was fully committed and clearly getting annoyed whenever journalists asked about his motivation even years later.
Montezemolo at the end of 2008 even 'joked' that "Kimi in the recent races was replaced two or three times by a friend, but next year he'll be back." Basically saying that Kimi wasn't really present, you know? An interesting thing to say when this absent driver scored 18 points in the last 3 races (three consecutive P3s), while the one who was amazing and had the team's full backing scored 20 (P7, P2, P1).
A whole 2 points' difference, maybe someone should hire that "friend"...
So why did they do this?
Well, the theory is that Santander (I promise this isn’t like the dumb Sainztander takes) wanted a Spanish-Brazilian lineup due to financial interests (Spanish bank, big market in South America with a looming IPO in Brazil), so Kimi was basically being pressured out of the team from early 2008 onwards. Like I said at the start, the team weren’t really throwing away 2008, as they expected to win the WCC with both drivers (they did) and Massa to be able to win the WDC, which would of course be beneficial for their new sponsor. And he almost did. Almost.
[x] they're not in charge of driver selection but this specific driver line-up would good for them. (this archived copy of the article is from 2010, but the text makes it clear it's from 2009)
Of course at this point we have to wonder if a team like Ferrari would bow down to a sponsor's demands. I can't tell you what the internal considerations were or how much money was on the line, but it's also not like Santander were telling them to get rid of Kimi for a bad driver, you know? Fernando is a great driver, so from Ferrari's perspective they were just trading a great driver for another great driver who also appealed to this huge sponsor, and an Alonso-Massa line-up would be solid. And with the previous talk that Ferrari and Alonso had already inked a deal in 2008... It's just difficult to believe there isn't a grain of truth here.
So the alleged initial plan of having Alonso in 2009 was foiled when Kimi activated the renewal option in his contract. It was then that he was bought out of his last year (apparently paid for by Santander).
[from the book The Unknown Kimi Raikkonen]
As we can see, by the end Kimi was also fed up with what was going on, especially people pointing the finger at him and at his motivation, and his frustration is very clear in interviews like here at 2.35 and here:
Publicly, Ferrari said they wanted someone more in line with how Michael used to be (ironic since Montezemolo allegedly didn’t like how Michael made the team his), who could communicate with the team and give better feedback (ironic when Todt, Dyer, Stella and others said Kimi was very clear and precise.) Kimi himself has always stated that he wasn’t the issue, that his motivation was never lacking and that the real reason he was pushed out was politics and money.
[x]
[x]
If it had only been the mechanical stuff, I’d be willing to chalk it up to just bad luck and incompetence. Shit happens. But with all the rumours around it even before things went bad on the track and Kimi stating that his work and performance weren't the reason he was let go it becomes impossible for me to think there wasn’t an actual push going on to replace him.
Hell, even famed Ferrari fanboy Sebastian Vettel didn't think it was realistic for Kimi to return to Ferrary in 2014 precisely because Kimi isn't one for "bullshit" and "politics". Why would he choose to say that specifically? And according to Finnish media Kimi’s 2014 Ferrari negotiations included Montezemolo personally apologising to him. Now why would he apologise if they hadn’t done something wrong?
Personally I think Kimi's "certain people did certain things" refers to this. He never trashed anyone and always said he had no ill-feelings. And I believe him. But it doesn't mean nothing happened, lest we forget how well he handled Lotus not paying him.
The thing that really bothers me is that Kimi got the reputation for having low motivation and not caring about what he was doing (I heard that take just last month from an F1 youtuber, how Fernando was hired in 2010 because Kimi had mentally checked out 🙄), when obviously someone who wasn’t motivated and didn’t care would have simply called it quits under these circumstances. Instead he got P3 in the standings in 2008 (I know he’s talented, but he must have been trying at least a little), trained hard to lose enough weight to use KERS in 2009 (why would he do that if he didn’t care) and took the team’s only win that year despite the car being shit. Interestingly, pundits acknowledged his good performance complicated things when it came to Ferrari’s rumoured hiring of Alonso. So imagine how much more complicated things would have been had Kimi done better in 2008?
Anyway, this is long, but if you want something longer then I definitely recommend this post here. You might not agree completely with the original authors (there are parts where I wish there was more info), but I think they offer a lot of good research and information regarding the overall situation back in 2008/2009, and it's a good jump-off point for your own research.
But yeah. 2008 could have been everything. Or at least better.
#asks#i rambled and still didn't talk about a lot of stuff like michael favouring massa with development (the video shows it though)#or the Todt(Schumi-Brawn-Byrne)-Montezemolo power struggle#but you know that's just a theory. a film theo--- jk jk#if i missed out any links i'll add them as soon as i can. i have 70 tabs open :') some printed media can only be sourced second hand...#and ofc some claims will never have non-fan/rumour sources. otherwise it would be fact and not a conspiracy theory ;)#i tried to keep it to just some examples and screenshots. if you google you'll find plenty of more examples and info#every time i edit this it pushes the Read More cut further down what the hell....#posted and just found the first mistake. it was a front row start in monaco08 sorry! look i'm tired.... wall text lol#and i also realise i didn't post any examples of nando fanning the flames but he did lol... look it's late.....#reminder i love michael and kimi and nando#133th edit: typos lol
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I adore you, I do, I do. We’ll be just fine.
this song and this fic go so well together and reading it while listening to the song makes everything hurt even more O;IAERGO;IAHEO;RGIHAERO;GIAO;RGIH ITS SO GOOD
#the hobbit#bilbo baggins#Thorin Oakenshield#bagginshield#my art#(also the mv is really good too it makes me cry O;AERIGHAO;EIRG)#i had this idea months ago but i couldnt work on it cuz i was doing the collab project#BUT AS SOON AS I FINISHED I STARTED ON THIS AND I CRIED THE WHOLE TIME CUZ I HAD THIS SONG ON BLAST THE WHOLE TIME#its hard to tell too but they have wedding rings on both of their left hands--#i struggled with this actually a lot and id pick at it more BUT I NEED TO MOVE ON AND DOODLE OTHER BAGGINSHIELD THINGS#I'M STILL SUPER HAPPY WITH IT TOO SO!!!!
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FRIENOMENON FANCON | FEBRUARY 15TH, 2025
#sky wongravee#nani hirunkit#skynani#i can't wait to see what kind of merch they're going to release for the fancon 👀#speaking of merch#nani was asked about a skynani doll today#he basically replied with 'i don't know. i don't know' while acting kinda sus#and during his live on monday sky started talking about what he did all day before stopping himself#and just telling us to 'just wait and see. it’s cute! so so cute! everyone will like it.'#so like skynani fandom doll lowkey confirmed 🧐???#and IF they're getting a doll they should also get a logo‚ right?#unless gmmtv has both of them design their own doll agkajshgkjahajg#(this is just me speculating so don't take anything i've just said as confirmation of anything)#my edits#(the coloring is a bit meh but i'm still struggling to color footage that has a lot of yellows and greens ;_;)#high school frenemy cast
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🌹🌖
#my art#hpma daniel#hpma cassandra#magic awakened#daniel page#cassandra vole#it took me a lot less time to finish it than I thought it would#but I'm still tired dfvbhkdfhl#it was alot of fun actually! I didnt struggle as much with background surprisingly#dancass
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#fancy has made some strides with the babies and will now accept some affection#but she has also Changed and is much less confident and bright#and i noticed today that she has lost weight#so she's going to the vet when we can get her in on a Saturday#and hopefully there's nothing wrong#but if she can't pick up the threads of who she was#i#I don't know if we should keep the babies because it's having such an effect on her#she's never been anxious or nervous#meds help but also make her sleepy#she just isn't as engaged and spends a lot of time in her spots and not roaming#i know they're just rambunctious because they're young and have bad boundaries and maybe it will improve#but im so worried#to take them and then give them up again when they are so sweet and funny#i just#I don't know what to do#and my boyfriend is still really struggling with grief#im so tired#i just want it all to be good again#I want everything to go back to when everyone was healthy#they make me laugh and smile and they are beautiful to look at and I'm so lucky we found them but if they don't fit#we have to make a choice and it absolutely sucks#i hate this year so much
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when to hold 'em
ur honor i love the flower husbands
~
The crown of antlers is in his hands.
He holds it, turns it, examines every angle.
Then places it on his head.
Scott looks up, across the silent plateau, to the darkness that gathers on the other side.
Sìín kuvi ndakuatura nu Ndíoxī.
-
"You've got this!" a little boy shouts, pumping one fist in the air.
Scott rolls his eyes over to Jimmy. "I thought you said this would be private?" he comments archly.
Jimmy shrugs, looking a little sheepish. "Word gets out. Especially to kids."
"Right. And since you and I were the only ones who knew about this, the children found out through. . . ?"
"I have no idea."
There are six or seven children sitting or standing in the long grass of the field, some tens of meters away. Jimmy waves to them. All but one wave back.
Scott pinches the bridge of his nose. "I don't want anyone getting hurt, Jimmy," he bites out.
"You won't hurt anyone," Jimmy insists. "They're far enough away that they aren't even an issue. They just want to see some magic!"
That's the problem.
Scott's curse isn't a party trick. It isn't something to be gawked at and applauded by children. It's a curse, barely controlled, and a very dangerous one at that.
And it isn't just that he doesn't want them getting hurt. That's most of it, of course, but. . . .
Scott really doesn't want an audience. He doesn't want people to see him fail.
(Last time he failed, he was surrounded—by elves and enemies alike.)
Something of his thoughts must show on his face, because Jimmy just makes a sound kind of like a sigh and squeezes his hand.
"You're all right," he says quietly. "I'm not leaving. You can control it when I'm here, right?"
"Control is a strong word," mutters Scott. It implies that he can do a lot more than keep an imaginary door shut.
Not to mention, he hasn't been able to let go of Jimmy. They've learned over the past couple of days that when they separate, Scott loses whatever hold he has. It had been unpleasant that first morning, when Scott woke late to find that Jimmy had already gotten back to work, leaving him coated in frost and ice weighing down the tent.
He really has no control if the magic is untamed without the tamer's touch. In all fairness, Jimmy has more control over the magic than Scott does.
But Jimmy just smiles (so brightly that Scott can't help but reluctantly smile back) and points to a patch of wildflowers a good fifty feet away from them.
"Shoot ice at that," he instructs, and Scott, with another glance at the children and more than a bit of trepidation, raises his hand toward the flowers.
He pushes, releasing a little bit of his hold on the magic, letting it conduct out through his arm, pulsing and freezing and—
Frost and ice shoot from his fingertips in a barrage (and the force has him stumbling back a step), about half of it hitting the flowers and the other half falling around them, with some icicles stabbing into the ground a good several feet away.
Scott quickly reasserts his hold on the magic and pulls his arm close to himself, pressing his side into Jimmy.
It's terrifying, using this magic. This magic that, just a few days past, had been using him.
There's no way of knowing just how much damage he's capable of. Based on what he did at the town, Scott thinks he could practically level a village.
It isn't nice, having that much power.
"Whoa!" a young boy screams, and all the other children join in the excitement, chattering about the magic.
"Nice one!" Jimmy says, dragging Scott over to look, sword bouncing on his back.
The flowers are shredded, heads torn from stems and petals torn from heads. A bit of grass is pulled up in a streak, dirt stark against the yellow stalks of grass. Frost coats the area, shards of ice stabbing into the ground.
Scott feels a little sick, looking at it.
That could have hit a person.
If he hadn't figured out that touching Jimmy gave him a measure of control, he could have killed anyone in the camp.
Jimmy's already tugging him back, probably wanting to practice again. He wants Scott to get good at his aim, and Scott isn't sure if it's so he feels more safe with himself, or so he can be more useful in attacks.
"I'm just a weapon," he says offhandedly. Bit of a fall from king of the elves.
"Come on, now," Jimmy says consolingly. "You're a beautiful weapon."
Scott snorts. "Try that one again."
"My favorite weapon?"
"If I could let go of your hand, I would."
Jimmy grins. "What I'm hearing is I can be as obnoxious as I want, and you can't do anything."
"Oh, you—"
Their flirting is cut off as a child crosses the invisible boundary, skipping up toward them.
"Stay back there," Jimmy commands, voice ringing with sudden authority, stepping forward with an arm out.
Scott glances at him, more to make sure that it's still his Jimmy there than anything else. He forgets, sometimes, that Jimmy actually has power. Not just the power of a ruler, either—some sort of unknown, hidden power had to have played a part in his survival, and his ability to heal others. Scott's seen him heal so many of the survivors that they just rescued, just by pressing a hand to their wounds. Jimmy, somehow, is a living, walking, healing miracle.
As much as they're teasing each other today, Scott can't help but feel a little hollow inside. It's still so hard to be here, to hold the hand of his once-dead betrothed.
Not that he has any other option.
Not that he doesn't want to.
The child halts immediately, waits for Jimmy and Scott to come toward her.
She's a little older than the other children, and one that Scott recognizes—from when, he doesn't know—, her scales like freckles spattered across her cheeks and nose.
"Codfather!" she says, standing at attention. "We've found something."
-
"I'm honestly just surprised it made it all the way down here," Scott muses, turning the satchel over in his hands. Below it, on the table in Jimmy's planning tent, lies the crown of antlers and a thin grey book, instantly recognizable as the one he had forgotten to give Lizzie.
"That would be the enchantments," Jimmy says, leaning on Scott's shoulder. When Scott turns his head to raise an eyebrow at him, he elaborates.
"Well, look, see the way the stag kind of shimmers? That's a protection kind of enchantment, to keep the bag from tearing. And the cod is a homebound enchantment—wherever you are, it'll find you."
Scott blinks.
How on earth would he be able to tell that just by looking at it?
"Are you making things up?" he asks dubiously.
Jimmy frowns. "What? No. My people showed me every step of the process when they were making this. We had a promising young Cod—Everarda—she was going to Gem's Academy, and she enchanted the thread. And Theo attached the strap—I think Jesse did part of the bag itself, and—"
"And the crown," Scott murmurs, picking it up with more reverence than he's shown it in some time.
It still shines, despite traveling down river for weeks and ending up buried in the mud. Its glow, perhaps, is more due to its divinity than any amount of polish.
How had it found him here?
Aeor, no doubt.
Scott's been kind of ignoring his god, as of late. Sure, he's said a couple of prayers here and there—some of them sobbing, silent prayers in his frozen world, others rote repetition and dull words—but he hasn't exactly been the most faithful of chosen ones.
It isn't that he doesn't respect Aeor. He still worships his god. It's just . . . easier, he supposes, to pretend as if this is all there is. His story ends here, and he dwindles away.
Yet every night, he tosses and turns, struck by recurring dreams. Dreams that have an oddly golden quality, dreams in which he has the crown of antlers and is alone against Xornoth.
Dreams in which he thinks in a tongue that is unrecognizable to him.
He's been ignoring the dreams, hoping them to be nothing—and in so doing, he's been ignoring hints from his god.
The fact that the crown is here again, one of the artifacts necessary to defeat Xornoth—and he doesn't think he really needs the boots anymore—feels like a bit more than a hint.
His stomach swoops unpleasantly. If Aeor's sending him messages of this magnitude, he clearly wants Scott to get going.
It's not like Scott can take on Xornoth with nothing changing. Xornoth almost killed him last time. He still has no idea what he's doing. Not to mention, Xornoth is surely even more powerful by this point, surrounded by soldiers and Rivendell's magic and who knows what else. There's no chance of survival.
Yet Aeor is pushing him. Aeor is telling him to go up against his brother another time and fail. Aeor is sending him to his doom.
And Scott's going to do it.
He doesn't want to. He wants to stay here, with Jimmy, in this little temporary civilization forever. He wants to forget about the world outside, forget that everything will likely collapse in a matter of months.
He doesn't want to die.
He doesn't want to fail again.
But he has been feeling like he's living on borrowed time.
And he can rub his thumb along the light scars on Jimmy's knuckles and wonder if he feels the same.
"What's this?" Jimmy asks, drawing Scott from his morbid spiraling by picking up the grey book.
"I—I don't know," Scott says, still reeling from his moment of revelation. "Something Oceanic, I think. I meant to give it to Lizzie."
He's going to die. He's being sent to his death like a lamb to the slaughter.
The long hours spent in Gem's secret library seem like a lifetime ago—a time when devastation was fresh, when Jimmy was dead yet the world seemed more hopeful than it does now. He barely recalls how they found the book in the first place.
"And it stayed in your bag the whole time," Jimmy muses, turning it this way and that. "What's it about?"
"I don't know, I couldn't read it."
"Hm." Jimmy flips the book open to the first page, while Scott gently sets the crown back down and turns to the young teen who had found the items.
"And there was nothing else there?" he questions.
She shakes her head. "Nothing that I saw, Lord Smajor. I can show you the place, if you like."
It's unlikely that the boots would have made it there. It's not like they had some sort of tracking spell, after all. It's more likely Lizzie found them, washed up on one of her islands.
"That won't be necessary," he tells the girl. "If anyone finds magical boots that burn to the touch, however, find me."
She nods, takes a few cautious steps back. Scott waits expectantly for Jimmy to dismiss her, but when he doesn't, she just shrugs and bounds off.
Scott looks back to Jimmy, who has stepped uncomfortably far away, the fingers of his right hand just brushing Scott's waist. Scott steps more into reach, peeks over at the book that Jimmy is so intently studying.
It looks much the same as he remembers, if a bit more wet. Strange, faded blue letters, made large with thick strokes. Not much of a conceivable pattern to split up the words (unless it's a character based language?), or even a way to tell if it's written from right to left or not.
But Jimmy is scrutinizing this old little book, mouth moving slightly as his eyes slowly travel across the page.
"Can you read it?" Scott asks incredulously. Jimmy can barely read Common, how on Aeor's great earth is he reading whatever this is?
"I—I think so?" Jimmy says, looking up from the book. "I've never seen this language before. At least, not that I can remember."
Right. Amnesia.
"I think I used to be able to write in this," continues Jimmy, voice hushed as his eyes return to the book. "That's crazy. How old is this?"
"Very," Scott says. Then, still confused, "Can amnesia make it so that you forget an entire language?"
Jimmy doesn't answer. Instead, he points a shaking finger at a point on the page, letting go of Scott (who presses his arm to Jimmy's, maintaining their vital contact) to do so.
What's so exciting about that part? Jimmy's suddenly gone white as mountain's snow, eyes watering as if he's about to cry. What could possibly bring him to tears so quickly? Is this a book of prophecies? Is Jimmy reading about the doubtless end that awaits them?
But Jimmy, voice weak, doesn't say anything like that. Instead, he says, looking over at Scott, "This . . . this is about me."
-
"It's a journal, of some kind," Jimmy explains, later, sitting on the grass in his tent, a plate (which was really more of a carefully sanded piece of wood) of berries and two bowls of thin soup between them. "I think Lizzie wrote it."
Scott frowns. "Lizzie? Are you sure?"
That just can't be possible. Gem's library had been sealed for likely hundreds of years. Jimmy's only—well, he only showed up ten years ago, and Lizzie—Lizzie's been around for a while, but fish hybrids don't live for longer than the average human lifespan.
Right? Lizzie's been. . . .
"Lizzie joined the House Blossom Alliance over twenty years ago," Scott says aloud. He was there when she showed up to her first meeting, he remembers that. She'd seemed young, small, hair falling into her face, clearly dressed in her nicest of clothing—which was almost meager compared to the glory of some of the other empires.
Still, she had commanded the respect of all of them, speaking boldly and making firm promises. Scott remembers being begrudgingly impressed, though not quite as much as the boy Mezelean Prince, who repeatedly urged his father (in a voice a bit too loud to be a whisper) to arrange an alliance.
If Lizzie had only inherited her kingdom at that age, then there was no way she had been able to write whatever that book was. Neither she nor Jimmy would even be born for centuries.
"Lizzie joined then . . . and none of us really knew much about the Ocean Kingdom, but we'd seen their buildings begin to rise above the water and she seemed legitimate. . . . And then you showed up about a decade later and started reaching out to empires, didn't you?"
"Why are you reciting history to me?"
Scott snorts. "This is barely history, more of a contemporary review," he tells Jimmy, adjusting so that Jimmy's heel isn't digging into his thigh. They've contorted themselves a bit oddly, perhaps, one of Jimmy's legs reaching around their dinner to keep physical contact with Scott, but there's only so long that they can hold hands in a day.
"I just don't understand how the books came to be in Gem's hidden library."
"Maybe it wasn't all that hidden?" Jimmy suggests. "Maybe Lizzie found it and put these books in."
"Are you sure Lizzie wrote it?"
"Yeah, it's her handwriting."
"That is definitely not her handwriting," Scott says, pointing to the open book beside Jimmy. "That isn't anyone's handwriting. That's an ancient Oceanic script that nobody remembers."
"I remember it," Jimmy says, popping a berry into his mouth.
"Yes, but you don't really, right? You can read it, and write it, but you don't know how you know it or where you learned it. How do you know it even talks about you?"
"Lizzie's writing to me in parts of it."
"How do you know it's you? And not someone else named Jimmy?"
Jimmy frowns. "It's not exactly my name, you know. It's a word that means me. Nobody else would have that."
It does not make sense.
None of this makes any sense.
"Sounds inefficient for a language," Scott murmurs absently, ignoring the pang in his chest as he remembers that Jimmy died and now is back so what does sense even matter?
"Right, it changed to use names as the Ocean Kingdom grew. Barely anybody even knew this form of it by the time. . . ."
Jimmy trails off, eyes unfocusing with a concerning suddenness. His lips move ever so slightly, forming unsaid words.
"Jimmy?" tries Scott, reaching over to tap on his knee. Jimmy blinks, eyes refocusing on Scott.
"Sorry, what was I saying?" he asks, brows furrowed.
And if that isn't strange, Scott doesn't know what is.
"Something about the language developing over time?" Scott prompts.
Jimmy bites his lip, looks askance. "I don't . . . I don't know. I don't remember. I don't. . . ."
He doesn't look like he's going to cry, exactly, but he certainly looks troubled, and his eyes catch on the book.
"None of it makes sense," he says quietly, and Scott could not agree more. "Lizzie wrote that. I know she wrote that. I don't know how. And it's . . . I need to talk to her."
"It's from before you lost your memory, isn't it?" Scott asks after a moment. He isn't sure how far he can push this, but he feels a sense of idle curiosity. What does the book say? Why does it worry Jimmy? How did it get in the Crystal Cliffs secret library, unrecorded and forgotten?
Jimmy nods. "It's gonna eat at me, Scott," he says, already sounding tired. "Lizzie's writing about all sorts of things that I don't remember. They just don't make sense. I need to talk to her, figure out if she remembers any of this."
"You're saying we need to go to the Ocean Kingdom."
Again, Jimmy nods. "Yep. At some point." He looks away, sighs, briefly looking far too old yet much too young to be leading a camp of refugees, let alone a kingdom.
Jimmy's always had moments like that, when his bearing makes it obvious to Scott that Jimmy stumbled into this role ten years ago and gave it his all, despite his lack of experience.
He doesn't deserve this—war, death, pain.
Jimmy doesn't deserve any of this.
But Jimmy doesn't dwell, even if Scott does. Instead, he looks back up to meet Scott's eyes, lips quirked in a smile. "What about you? What's with the crown?"
Right. The crown.
Scott swallows.
He and Jimmy have talked a little. Just enough to air out any pressing concerns, for Scott to realize that his conflicting feelings were not unwarranted but unneeded, and for Jimmy to accept that Scott is struggling and help him feel assured of his love as often as he can.
But they haven't talked much, despite literally never leaving one another's side. They've been so busy keeping the camp running and planning attacks and defenses and experimenting with Scott's curse that they haven't been able to sit down and talk, like they're doing now.
Does Scott tell him what it means?
Does Scott tell him that by sending the crown, Aeor intends for Scott to go up against Xornoth again, just to fail as he already has? Does he tell Jimmy that this little respite was nice, but it can't last forever?
Maybe he can put it off. Maybe he can stay with Jimmy just a little bit longer, in the relative peace of the camp.
It's selfish. Scott ought to at least try to fight Xornoth right now, if only for the elves in captivity.
But Scott's kind of tired of trying to save the world. Let someone else do it, for a change.
He forces a smile, fiddles with a berry between his fingers. "It's just a Rivendell treasure. You needn't worry about it."
He'll stay, Scott decides, as Jimmy gives him a soft, loving smile. He'll stay as long as he can.
-
Which isn't very long.
As it turns out, their little frozen-town trick from the week before didn't go over well with Mythland, and it's only the next morning that a woman comes running to the planning tent, declaring that she'd seen three unfamiliar men searching for the camp while she was on patrol. That means that Mythland knows roundabouts where the first camp is (the newly-formed second is off to the northeast, and as far as they know, hasn't been discovered), and the probability of attack is high.
It's time to move, then. Scott spends all morning running from place to place with Jimmy, helping children and disabled and those unwilling to fight pack up and prepare to move to the second camp, from whence a proper plan will be formed.
It isn't terribly easy to mobilize a camp of hundreds of people in only one day. Many of them, in the short month or so that they've been here, have settled in as if it were their home. Some of the families have collected possessions, strangely enough—Scott watches an elderly man argue with Jimmy for almost ten minutes in some strange Oceanic dialect over not wanting to part with his chair. Jimmy responds patiently, but Scott can feel his body tense more and more as he responds in the dolphin-like clicks and whistles of the dialect.
Finally, Jimmy pats the man on the shoulder and says something in a low voice to him, then moves on.
"What'd you say?" asks Scott, hanging on to Jimmy's arm as they walk away, surrounded by the hustle and bustle of hurried packing.
"I told him he can leave the chair or die in it, I don't care," Jimmy says breezily, and Scott almost laughs.
"One of these days you need to learn diplomacy."
"I said I'd go find his husband, he can be diplomatic."
It takes an hour to find him, however, because at every turn, Jimmy is pulled aside and asked a question, called over for help, or stopped to listen to some sort of plan or explanation. The camp is quickly emptying, guides hurrying back and forth between the camps to lead more people to the safer location.
"I hope we aren't being watched," Scott says offhandedly, watching a group of a dozen or so Cod head out, laden with makeshift packs. "Then they'd find the location of the other camp, too."
Jimmy doesn't reply, just points beyond the treeline, out toward the outskirts of their massive camp. There, past the chaos of destroying shelters and striking tents, Scott sees several people in light armor, each carrying a weapon, making circles around the camp.
"Patrol is doubled," Jimmy says shortly. "All the way down to Camp Two."
"How many people are in Camp Two?"
"We have . . . what, two hundred joining them?" Jimmy guesses, readjusting the sword strapped to his back. "So they'll be up to around five hundred. It'll drop, though, as they send us fighters tomorrow."
They're leaving tomorrow, too. Everyone who is left in the camp tomorrow at noon (the able fighters, that is) will be marching out. The plan is to head out toward the Ocean Kingdom, add their little force of four hundred to Lizzie's armies, and from there plan with Lizzie a way to try and defeat Xornoth.
Scott should feel better about it. He'd felt for so long that Jimmy's small goals were pointless, after all.
But he knows now that it's hopeless to try and sway this war. Scott feels like there's a rain cloud looming over their heads, ready to strike down with lightning and set the camp ablaze. Death surely lurks just beyond their line of sight.
There's no way to defeat Xornoth. His power will only grow, the God of Darkness fed by the fear and torture he brings to the land.
Maybe Aeor wants Scott to take a shot at it just so that he can go to the afterlife with full honor. Elvish history and religious lore is fairly vague on anything other than the separation of the afterlife, but it's always had a sense of peace and happiness. Maybe Aeor knows that Scott is bound to die, and wants to hurry it along so that he can get some peace for once.
For a god that sends him frustrating hints all the time, he's really outdone himself with this one.
He's going to die. Aeor is sending him to his death.
Jimmy notices something's wrong, somehow. Jimmy, who never notices anything, even when he's not busy with mobilizing an entire camp over the space of a day and a half, notices that something is wrong, which means that Scott isn't hiding his thoughts very well.
He used to be so much better at this. Back before he met Jimmy.
But Jimmy frowns at some point during the day, rubs his thumb over Scott's knuckles, and asks how he's doing.
And when Scott asks why Jimmy would even be concerned, Jimmy points out his wings and how stiff they are, and the way his fingers are repeatedly tapping against his side, and the anxious frown on his lips, and asks if he's having sensory overload.
No, he's just thinking about his own imminent death. Nothing to worry about there.
He wants Jimmy to live. He wants Jimmy to gather his little force and leave the land of the Empires, go somewhere without demons and death, somewhere his people can rebuild.
He doesn't want Jimmy to be captured and subjected to torture, or killed, or whatever evil is in mind for him.
He wants Jimmy to be happy.
If it comes to it, Scott decides right then and there, he'll split off from the group. He'll leave a note, telling Jimmy to get out when it all goes wrong, and fly to Rivendell alone, ready to confront his demon brother once and for all.
And then he'll die.
Right.
He's going to die.
-
They set out at noon the next day, Scott's satchel uncomfortably heavy with the weight of both the crown and general travel supplies—some food, first aid, and a bowl and spoon. Jimmy hikes beside him at the front of the pack, the mysterious runes carved into the old leather of the hilt of his sword sparkling in the sun.
If Scott had been in charge of this expedition to the Ocean Kingdom, he would have set out at dusk rather than noon, the hot sun beating down on their backs. He barely gets half an hour into the march before shrugging off his coat and draping it over his head, sweat dripping into his eyes.
Elves aren't made for heat, not noonday, marching-through-tall-prairie-grass, not-a-cloud-in-the-sky kind of heat. It's hot, but worse than that it's humid, so Scott has to deal with not only the burning sun but also the thick air that threatens to choke him. He stops frequently to take a sip from the waterskin bumping against his hip, to wipe the sweat from his brow, to pray for clouds, and he can only hope that his skin isn't burning beyond recognition.
At least last time he trekked through the plains, he was covered in ice. Now he's overheating, out of breath, and just generally exhausted.
And they haven't even been walking for a full day.
His wings itch to take flight, glide through the air and feel the wind on his face, make it to the Ocean Kingdom in under an hour instead of the several day journey that the force has embarked on.
They're walking the whole way, despite the fact that the nearby river would be a much faster way to travel for Cod. Jimmy says that the river is being watched intently, and that four hundred rebels is a little conspicuous. They'll be expected to take the river route, not go around.
And Scott also suspects that Jimmy doesn't want to leave anyone behind. Not all of the rebels are native Cod, and not all are capable of breathing underwater—like him, for example.
Not that Jimmy would change the plans and safety of his entire camp for just Scott.
They walk all afternoon in even warmer weather (and it can't really be that warm, because all of the Cod are doing fine, but Scott is really just not suited for this), and they're about to press onward after a blessed break for supper when one of the scouts sent on ahead comes running back, a little dot on the rolling yellow-green plains ahead that gradually becomes larger.
When they arrive, huffing and puffing, green in the face, they salute Jimmy and bow a little to Scott, accepting a drink of water.
"There's a small Mythland camp up ahead," they manage after a moment to catch their breath, sweeping their sweaty brown bangs out of their eyes. "An expedition or scouting group, probably. Fifty soldiers at most."
"We stop here to rest," Jimmy decides immediately, without waiting to consult the two Cod that he's chosen to be his seconds-in-command. "We'll continue in a couple of hours. Can you lead me to the camp?"
The young Cod nods, and before Scott knows it, they're guiding him and Jimmy away, a group of five of the stealthiest Cod accompanying them.
Scott doesn't really think it's a good idea to go spying—not when both he and Jimmy are rather high-profile, and letting go of Jimmy could have disastrous consequences making it impossible to split up—but who is he to make the rules around here?
And maybe he just doesn't want to go because his legs and back ache from the journey thus far, and his excessive clothing is all stuck to him with his own sweat.
Or maybe he doesn't want to go because he's going to die in a matter of days and he wants to spend as much time talking to Jimmy as possible instead of silent surveillance.
But as dusk falls and the world darkens, Scott finds himself lying on his belly at the peak of a small, ridge-like hill, peering down at a small camp of Mythland soldiers.
There's probably fifty men or so, most of whom are preparing or eating an evening meal between the six rows of tents. None of them are in armor, milling around the two campfires on either end of the camp, over each of which is a pot of something cooking (probably a stew).
"Fire is good," Jimmy murmurs. "It'll throw off their vision. We can probably get pretty close."
He points to a tent on the edge of the second row away from them, a bit bigger than the others, which two men are currently exiting. “I bet the man in charge is there. I want to know what his plans are.”
"Can we risk it?" Scott whispers back, tearing his eyes away from the camp to focus on Jimmy's shadowed face, two bright streaks across his vision from the light of the fires. "If we get caught, the whole operation is done for."
Jimmy clicks his tongue, reaffirms his grip on Scott's hand. "If we get caught, you fly us out of there, okay?"
"What? Jimmy, I haven't flown in weeks—my wings were broken, I don't even know if they'll support my weight, let alone—"
"Then we won't get caught," Jimmy says simply.
Right. Because that's the way that works.
Still, Scott only sighs and nods, and after a few long moments of silent communication with the other five rebels, Jimmy and Scott crawl back down the hill, sliding back on hands and knees until they're far enough back that they can stand fully.
They wait there, silent, until dark has fully fallen and the air cools, various nighttime critters hopping out of their hiding places to make their voices heard. Scott leaps back in surprise when a field mouse crawls across his foot, briefly losing contact with Jimmy and sending an icicle straight through the mouse, skewering it to the ground.
Jimmy sucks his breath in between his teeth. Scott cringes, gripping Jimmy's bicep and feeling his control acclimate again.
He hates this. He hates not being in control. He hates being cursed.
"Just . . . try not to do that again?" Jimmy says after a moment.
Scott nods wordlessly.
They don't say anything after that, and soon enough they can't really see anything beyond a foot ahead of them, and Jimmy begins to lead the way around the curve of the hill.
It isn't too difficult to move through the tall grass quietly, crouched over to hide in it, but Scott finds himself gritting his teeth every time Jimmy stumbles over a stalk or tramples some grass. Can't he just be silent? Scott has massive wings behind him and he isn't getting caught on anything, it can't be that hard.
He has to remind himself every couple of steps that different people have different skills. Elves have light feet and are better at sneaking than most, after all. It isn't Jimmy's fault that he's a flat-footed Cod.
"Left," Jimmy breathes in his ear, and Scott freezes. "There's someone on watch."
Scott looks around, trying to get his eyes to acclimate to the darkness. The firelight is throwing off his heightened vision (just as Jimmy had predicted it would for the enemy) , but he can maybe see a figure standing out in the grass to their right.
Now that he knows the man is there, if he pays attention he can hear him. He can hear the slight wheeze that accompanies each breath, the almost-silent rustle of clothing.
They shift left, Scott keeping an eye on the shadowy figure, making sure he doesn't head this way.
But as they move, Scott's still-alert ears pick up another sound, distant and almost indistinct.
Ba-thump. . . . Ba-thump. . . . Ba-thump. . . .
It might be his imagination, but it seems to be growing louder.
"Do you hear something?" Scott ventures to whisper, glancing around to make sure the guard doesn't hear him. Jimmy shrugs.
"No. What is it?"
He doesn't see anything. But he can still hear the rhythmic thudding, ever so slightly louder. Maybe it's his heartbeat?
Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.
Jimmy continues moving, bent over almost double, masked by the tall grass. Scott follows, their fingers linked and connecting them, swallowing back his bad feeling.
It sounds like a drum. A beating drum coming closer and closer.
Ba-thump, ba-thump, ba-thump, ba-thump—
"Are you—" Scott starts, before something clicks in his memory and he knows exactly what the sound is.
Uh-oh.
Ba-thump ba-thump ba-thump ba-thump ba-thump ba-thump—
Scott drags Jimmy back by his tunic, pulling him down on his back in the grass, the sword in its scabbard jostling against Scott's arm (flattened under Jimmy as they both lie supine on the ground). Scott presses his free hand to Jimmy's mouth, silencing the question about to burst from his lips.
Just in time, as a horse and rider come barreling through, barely two meters away from them, hooves thudding against the grass and saddlebags clanking. The horse gallops across the field to the camp, which is still far enough away that they can't hear anything more than the general bustle of a camp getting ready for bed.
Scott carefully sits back up once he's sure the danger has passed (and Jimmy does too, with considerably more noise), watches as the rider dismounts, tying the horse's reins to the post that's been set up at the edge of camp, next to the pack ponies that are lazily munching on the grass.
"He looks important," Jimmy whispers.
He does. The rider is wearing the official white surcoat of Mythland, a polished leather satchel strapped across his chest. He doesn't even unsaddle his horse, just continues on into the camp, stride slightly bowlegged.
Neither of them even have to say anything. Both Jimmy and Scott just move forward in sync, zigzagging from left to right, slower and slower the closer they get to the camp as the grass grows shorter, until they find themselves right behind the tent that the rider entered, the larger one that is luckily off to the side rather than in the center.
It's dangerous. There's a tent behind them a little ways, and others in their line of sight—made especially risky by the firelight emanating from one of the campfires, only a row away from them.
Still, nobody seems to be wandering about over here, and Scott trusts that either he'll hear them coming or Aeor will protect them.
Now, though, he needs to focus.
"Can you hear anything?" whispers Jimmy. Scott shushes him near silently, presses his ear up against the canvas. Jimmy does the same, his bad ear out toward the camp.
A couple of indistinguishable murmurings—pleasantries, if Scott had to guess—then the most obnoxious slurping Scott has ever heard—
"I don't believe I understand," a man's voice says, gruff and low, muffled through the tent wall. "The king wants us to abandon our course?"
"For the time being," a younger voice—the rider, Scott guesses—says.
"But we just sent our report. We've found the rebel camp. We need to attack before they move. I was expecting two thousand soldiers, not a messenger telling me to head to the coast."
"Everyone is being sent to the coast," the rider responds. "The rebel camp will still be here later."
"Or they'll all go hide in their little badger-holes. We could lose the Codlands if they get bold."
A chuckle. "It wouldn't take much to re-conquer them, I assure you. Especially without their ruler."
Scott squeezes Jimmy's hand. Jimmy squeezes back.
"I don't know," the first man says. "Something strange is going on with those rebels. Did you hear about Medokrill?"
"I don't bother myself with the names of their primitive villages."
"Froze. Overnight. Three men got frostbite."
"The weather of this place does not—"
"And in the morning, most of the Cod had vanished." The squeaking of a chair, another horrid slurp. "Now, I don't like that sort of coincidence. The town freezes—in August, mind—and that same night, the rebels strike and sneak everyone out of there. And only Medokrill froze. Even the prairie around it was untouched."
"What do you want me to do about it?" the rider asks after a moment. The other man chuckles.
"Keep it quiet, ideally. I don't know who or what has that kind of power, but I'm thinking the blame lies with those fairies. They might not be so neutral, after all.”
“I'm sure His Majesty would find that quite informative.”
“Remember that we don't want to scare our men, or give the Cod hope. Keep it quiet. But otherwise, you could get me my men so I can quash this rebellion."
The rider clicks his tongue. "The command is coming straight from His Majesty. Everyone is going to the coast for an attack."
"What could be so important—"
"The Ocean Queen is gone," the rider says.
Jimmy stiffens beside Scott.
"She'll be arriving in Rivendell early tomorrow morning. The King intends to . . . delay her return, if you take my meaning. We attack while she's gone. By the time the day ends, we should have the upper hand and the fish will surrender within the week."
"Hm." The other man goes silent for a long moment. "I don't know how I feel about that. Tomorrow?"
"You're the last group to know, unfortunately. You should make it to the river in under an hour, and from there it will be several days' march to the coast itself. With any luck, the fighting will be done before you even arrive."
A long, drawn-out sigh. "And I don't suppose my little espionage group was small enough to escape the King's attention?"
"Every man, General. This could be the end of the war."
"Right. Well, it'll be morning before I can get my men moving. That wouldn't be too much of an issue, would it?"
"I suppose I might have stopped for the night before reaching your camp. Officially, I arrived tomorrow morning."
"Sure. And none of that stuff about the freeze leaves this tent, all right?"
"And you never heard a thing about the Ocean Queen's permanent little trip."
Another slurp that sets Scott's teeth on edge.
"Agreed. Have you been to the Capital lately?"
"Not in several weeks. Why?"
"Just wondering how the new market law is going."
"Ah. Well, I can tell you. . . ."
Jimmy tugs, lightly, on Scott's sleeve, and after a moment longer of listening to make sure they don't return to the earlier topic, Scott allows himself to be pulled.
They sneak back through the grass, not stopped by the sight of any sentry, off toward their vantage hill, around the side of it and to the back, where they find the other five rebels that they'd brought with them sitting cross-legged, conversing in whispers and pulling apart stalks of grass.
"Back to camp," Jimmy says shortly when they look up, and walks straight past them, pulling Scott with him.
Without a word, they follow him, stealing off in the direction of their resting soldiers, several hills away.
"What are we—" Scott whispers, but Jimmy shakes his head.
"Later."
Later.
How much later?
This is kind of important news, in Scott's opinion!
If Sausage is concentrating all his forces on the Ocean Kingdom because Lizzie's going to be in Rivendell for some reason, their whole mission is for nothing. They won't be able to strengthen her armies if they can't reach the ocean, but they can't go back—soon they'll be closed in, Mythland having conquered the Ocean Kingdom, so maybe they can flee to the Overgrown—but the general already suspects that the Overgrown is aiding them, and joining their ranks would only lead to an invasion—
"Who's there?" a guard calls, peering out into the darkness.
"It's us, Lanale," Jimmy says, and Scott stops to survey their rebel force.
It's too small. It's absolutely tiny. There's approximately four hundred of them, some as young as fourteen, ready to fight to try and free their country.
And that captain had just casually ordered two thousand soldiers to entirely wipe out their little force.
There's nothing they can do to help Lizzie against all of Mythland's armies. They won't even make a difference. They surely can't join the Overgrown, as it would lead to an attack. They can't stay here, not with Mythlanders combing the prairies for them.
He has no idea what Jimmy intends to do. He can't see any way out.
Yet Jimmy moves with purpose, and Scotr walks with him, picking through sleeping rebels, until Jimmy finds the woman he wants and shakes her awake.
She stretches, stands slowly, pushes her hair back. "Codfather," she yawns, clearly not-quite awake. "What do you need?"
"You're a good leader, Millie," Jimmy says, skipping pleasantries. "I need you to be in charge while I'm gone."
Millie blinks. "Gone? Gone where? What's happening?"
"I'm putting you and Emilio in charge," Jimmy explains, rather impatiently. "There's been a change in plans. You need to split up. You take most of the fighters over the river to the Overgrown, all right? Volunteer to join Katherine's army. Emilio needs to take fifty men and go back to Camp Two. Emilio will gather everyone who is able, and lead them to the Overgrown. Got it? Everyone is going to House Blossom."
"I—what?"
"Jimmy—" Scott starts—what is he talking about? That will only make things worse, and where will Jimmy be?—but Jimmy doesn't stop.
"Scott and I are leaving right now to Rivendell," he says firmly. "Can I trust you to lead these people to the Overgrown?"
Rivendell?
How?
Millie nods, all traces of sleepiness gone. "Of course, Codfather. And Emilio as well. They're a good fish."
Jimmy claps her on the shoulder once before turning away, pulling Scott back in the direction they came from.
"Wait!" Millie whisper-shouts, and Jimmy pauses, looks over his shoulder.
Millie gives him a grim nod. "Codspeed."
Jimmy nods back, once, then continues on.
"I'm sorry, what?" demands Scott, once they've retraced their path through the dozing force. "I—what are we—Rivendell, Jimmy? What—"
"We have to warn her," Jimmy says, and that may be true, but they can't just abandon the people here to go on a rescue mission miles and lifetimes away!
"Right, but it's logistically impossible—we ought to be headed to the Ocean Kingdom, warn her military commander, bef—"
"He literally told us where she was gonna be, we have to go out there—"
"He told us Rivendell! We don't know where in Rivendell, and more importantly—we can't get to Rivendell! How are we—"
"It's my sister, Scott," Jimmy says, and Scott falls silent at the desperate look on his face. He thinks he can see, by the moonlight, the sparkle of a tear on his cheek, somehow distinguishable from the shine of scales pushing through the scars on his face.
He got those scars, Scott remembers, when he fell through the Void and the nothing tore away pieces his skin, dissolving everything that was Jimmy.
Scott promised himself then, as his wings beat desperately and tears streamed down his face and he carried the unmoving body of his fiancé in his arms, that he would do anything for Jimmy, as long as he survived.
"It's my sister," Jimmy says again now, and Scott's eyes flick up from his scars to his beautiful, serious, brown eyes. "I'm not gonna leave her. I'm not gonna let Sausage murder her."
Scott glances away.
If they reveal themselves, Scott will have to face Xornoth.
If they save Lizzie, Scott will die.
And maybe that's dramatizing it a little bit, but it's true. If they go out into the public, if everyone knows that they're alive, then Xornoth will come after them.
Instead of, maybe, several more weeks with Jimmy, Scott's timeline has dropped down to a matter of days—hours, even.
He can't leave Jimmy so soon. He just found him again.
But one more look at Jimmy's pleading, teary eyes, and Scott knows that he can't leave Lizzie to die. She doesn't have a chance against the demon.
No one does, but he can at least hold Xornoth off while the others get to safety.
He'll never see Jimmy again.
"All right," he says, even as it breaks his heart. "We'll do it. But how do you intend on getting to Rivendell?"
Jimmy's eyes slowly slide up, up to the half moon, to the stars surrounding it. "Well, remember my escape plan from earlier?"
"Jimmy."
#esmp#empires smp#empires s1#flower husbands#scott smajor#jimmy solidarity#trust au#krcu#mas writes#052124#hiatus posting still#there's honestly no real tws#so i'm not sure how many languages jimmy should speak#like i have him at 4 currently#but i think he probably speaks many more#his weird magic powers help him#tbh not to lore-post#but i don't think that cod ppl commonly spoke common#before the past 10 years or so#so a lot of them still don't#which brings the stereotype of unintelligence#but nobody ever questioned how jimmy is fluent?#even tho most of his people struggle with it#anyway ty for reading#love you guys#(and hi from oasis! :))
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