#i'm out of shape from the cancer is the problem

[hollowboobtheory]

prime hydration strawberry lemonade review: 👎 puked on the side of the road and people saw

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

idk if this is a sex ed question, or if you're the right person to ask, sorry, but do you have any reputable sources about what testosterone *actually* does?

i see people saying it limits your emotions, that it gives you breast cancer, that it makes you malnourished, its a second more dangerous puberty, etc, and I'd like to think im good at picking out lies, but there's a lot of stuff that sounds like bullshit coming from blogs i thought were trustworthy.

if not, all good, thank you in advance!

hi anon,

I'm really glad you sent this ask, because this kind of scaremongering misinformation is deeply upsetting and I'm so happy to provide a better information.

there are tons of reputable sources as to what testosterone does; some that I'll be pulling from in this answer include Cleveland Clinic, Harvard Medical School, University of California San Francisco, Mayo Clinic, the Society for Endocrinology, and Planned Parenthood.

so, what's up testosterone?

testosterone is a hormone produced in everyone's bodies, either in the testes or the ovaries depending on which set of equipment you're working with. all bodies produce both estrogen and testosterone, usually in different levels. regardless of the genitalia you were born with, how you understand your gender, or what levels of testosterone you have in your body, testosterone affects things like your sex drive, your hair growth, muscle and bone density, and the production of red blood cells.

in people born with testes, puberty usually comes with an increase in testosterone that kicks off changes such as growth of the penis and testicles, the production of sperm, an increase in hair growth all over the body, deepening of the voice, greater production of oil on the skin, and an increase in height, weight, and muscle mass.

either an overabundance or a deficit of testosterone can have health complications, just as having more or less of any hormone that a body needs can cause complications.

people who choose to transition by taking testosterone will experience many similar effects as cisgender men going through puberty, including the increase in body hair, skin oils, and muscle mass, as well as a deepening voice. while people on testosterone are unlikely to experience significant growth in terms of height unless they start hormone replacement therapy (HRT) at a fairly young age, testosterone does frequently cause a redistribution of fat on their bodies to be more similar to that of cisgender men. bottom growth, the increased size and sensitivity of the clitoris to more closely resemble a penis, is also common; the clitoris and the penis are homologous structures (they're made out of the same goo when embryos start developing genitalia), hence why they react similarly to testosterone.

to address your specific concerns:

testosterone does not limit the range of a person's emotions. while it may impact a person's mood and the severity of their feelings, the same is true of any hormone - for instance, people also report mood changes when they take antidepressants or birth control. the sometimes drastic mood fluctuations experienced during puberty are not tied to a specific hormone; this is a turbulent time regardless of what hormones your body is producing the most. testosterone is stereotyped as making people angry and violent, but all people are people regardless of their biology and are shaped by much more than the hormones in their body.

while cisgender men and trans people on testosterone can both get breast cancer, testosterone does not pose any particular risk. several of the sources linked about don't find any significant link between taking testosterone HRT and an increased risk of breast cancer, reporting that transgender individuals who take testosterone are not at any particularly higher risk of developing breast cancer than cisgender women. for more detailed information about potential health problems affiliated with taking testosterone, I recommend the "Risks" section of the linked UCSF document. yes, there are health risks affiliated with taking testosterone; this is true of literally any medication and, more importantly, is also true of just being a person with any kind of hormones in your body. cis men and women also have health conditions affiliated with being cis men and cis women, this is the price of admission for having a human body. nobody gets out unscathed.

there is no evidence that testosterone causes someone to become malnourished. people undergoing a testosterone-based puberty, whether they're cis or trans, are likely to experience a great deal of growth and bodily changes that will use a great deal of calories, which means they may be hungry and need more food than they did previously. this is a normal effect of puberty on a body, and is only a risk for malnourishment if a person isn't able to eat in sufficient amounts to keep their body properly nourished.

there is nothing about a testosterone-based puberty that is "more dangerous" than an estrogen-based puberty, which is what I assume is the point of comparison. puberty is a completely natural process that does not pose any significant dangers unless you want to be a real dipshit about it and pull some shit like "puberty is dangerous because you grow breast tissue and then you're at risk for breast cancer," in which case sure, great job, Sherlock. you solved it, puberty is cancelled forever. I cannot emphasize enough how stupid this is, conceptually; roughly half the human population goes through this kind of puberty every day and they're fucking fine. puberty by itself is not a risk factor of anything.

I don't know what particular interest the blogs you've been following have in making testosterone-based puberty sound like it's going to turn you into an emotionally stunted skeleton with breast cancer, although I fear it's transphobia hidden unsubtly behind concern trolling and disdain for cisgender men.

if you're interested in taking testosterone and are concerned about the changes you might see in your body please, for the love of god, consult with reputable health resources and a doctor rather than whatever nematode is posting about testosterone ruining your life.

[blackmoonoracle]

PICK A CARD - MASCULINE WOUNDS

You can find my brief breakdown of masculine energy in the natal chart here. Tip Jar

PILE 1

tw: sexual trauma

Anger and sex drive, the people in this particular collective may have experienced sexual trauma at any point in time that has developed into an issue with emotional security. In order to heal you need to learn how to develop trust in your perception, self expression, decision making, and any chronic pain or issues need to be given more thought and care. Not accepting the bare minimum, not pushing yourself for the sake of others, not letting others take your power.

Taking your power back for the sake of yourself.

This is an energy of being conscious of chronic issues, extreme trauma, healing from extreme abuse and allowing yourself to let go of the cycle of releasing your power in order to survive. You are not helpless, you are not incapable, you are not weak, you are not bad, you are not a waste of space, energy, words, time, effort, or love. You are a worthy being, you have earned your place, your reputation, your successes, and your desired future. You have suffered a lot, in some way shape or form.

This could've been mental or sexual anguish in pre teen years.

Feeling almost disgusting or gross for existing as a sexual being. Disdain for sex, astonishment I heard as well? I feel like there is potential religious trauma regarding sex in this pile.

There may also be a sense of pain or confusion about life in general, perhaps you are someone who struggles with feeling destined for failure. Like part of you still doesn't believe that you're not destined to suffer, you've learned so much and I feel like a lot of you are like older gen z or late teens.

It feels like you've always felt very judged, and very misinterpreted. Like others could've been offended by your mere presence. Something about the way you thought, or spoke, or expressed yourself was or is very upsetting for people. You're not afraid to talk about the truth? Is the exact way I'm hearing it be described.

You have very powerful voice, and your words pack a punch in more than one way.

Your words project veryyy quickly into your reality, and I heard "reaffirming reality" as well, treating your brain like a science project I heard? LMAO it's giving aquarius 😭

So do mirror affirmations, some of you could have an affinity towards mirror magick. That being said handle that carefully, and know to be careful in approaching that. Make sure you're researching and covering your bases. I heard Aphrodite, so Aphrodite could be trying to work with someone. I also heard keep your peace, so chill out, don't engage with anyone. You're in the process of taking back your power so sometimes people act up. LITERALLY not a you problem, and if they make it a you problem stand your goddamn ground and show that person, no matter who they are, what role they play in your life, that you are under no circumstances going to continue to take their shit. The universe is testing you, lock tf in and don't worry about anyone else. Worry about YOU and YOUR DREAMS, and YOUR DESIRES. Plant the seeds that truly matter to YOU, you won't know if it works until you try it. Don't be afraid to do what you're passionate about. Don't be afraid to be yourself, your authenticity really resonates with others in some way shape or form. It's how you connect with people, you show them that being yourself is a lot less painful that you'd think.

This could be black Moon Lilith in cancer and Scorpio or 4th and 8th house Chiron energy. you could be a cancer rising, some of you could have a leo descendant? I heard polish and German as well for some others, someone could be polish another person could be German. If this pile resonated and you'd like to purchase a personal reading on this topic you can purchase one for just 55$ or send over a tip on Venmo or Kofi if the message resonated and helped in some way! https://ko-fi.com/blackmoonoracle @blackmoonoracle is my Venmo!

PILE 2

Self Worth, and Value/Honorary Systems This collective has very powerful values. This could be Taurean, or Aquarian energy, possibly also Aries. You could be mars dominant or have a prominent mars in your natal chart. Your mars may also be in the 11th, or 2nd house! Or you could have Uranus in the 2nd house or Venus in the 11th house. Suffice to say this could also be mars in Taurus, or Aquarius as well. 2nd house Venus, or 11th house aquarius. There's something with individualism in this pile as well. A lot of deeply practical energy, possibly very venusian as well. Could have Venus in pisces, or Venus-neptune interactions in the natal chart. You could have Venus in Taurus, or you could have Venus in aries I'm hearing. You are going on a deep journey of transforming your masculine will. Understanding you are worthy of making your creations, that what you create is valuable and is of quality. You are worthy of abundance, you are worthy of success. I feel like there could've been a sense of detachment since a very young age for this pile. It feels like affection could've always been a touchy subject. I'm also seeing a connection to religion here, especially with Venus being in Virgo. Virgo Venus has always reminded me of catholicism due to the very intricate and detail oriented nature of Catholic symbolism. As well as the emphasis on purity, which is an aspect of Virgo. Seeing as it is the virgin. This can also look like your love always coming with deep criticism. Perhaps you could've felt like the ways in which you expressed love were not respected. Or you could've felt like there was a feminine presence that seemed to bring you a great sense of regret. It feels like a self criticism wound. It feels like a disconnection from the mind in order to attain purity. Like, this pile could feel that they need to fully embody some aspect of a pure, or virginesque energy in order to be worthy of recognition?

Soooo specific, but hey! if it resonates it resonates. There's a deep wound here in regard to knowing how to accept help. It's like accepting help in your mind makes you feel like you're worthless, or as if you are not contributing enough. It's like you feel the need to contribute the most, so that others know you are serious and worth taking serious. Being undermined, minimized, having your values be overlooked, or being seen as unremarkable could've been something you struggled deeply with. I see a lot of pain dealing with women here. Significant Mother wounds that could've led to these wounds in your masculinity. Perhaps experiencing silencing, being forced to not do, say, act, or be in some way shape or form because it is "unsightly" or "shameful" Being disregarded, possibly some bullying here, feeling like an outsider. Like no one could grasp your values, your morals, who you TRULY are.

Almost feeling like you lack an identity.

finding balance in yourself, learning how to accept that you are worthy of being helped. That being helped does not make you unworthy, that being helped is something that is okay, that accepting care, and nurturing, and love is a good thing. starving yourself of intimacy in hopes that by taking the lashings of yourself, and others, while remaining in this "pure" state of being will finally make you worthy of being seen. vision is a general thing here. You may feel like your vision doesn't come to light, or that others don't understand your vision. It's unique, it's you, it's not what everyone else might expect of you. You're groundbreaking, no one could ever be you, learning how to be in love with your individuality. Accepting what makes you weird, and accepting yourself in spite of the way others feel. Knowing that accepting yourself is the deepest form of self connection and that you deserve to feel loved and supported.

Accepting that the embodiment of authenticity may cause issues in connections with people who cannot accept themselves or live in their own truth.

Understanding that you can find purity in your search for your authentic self, authentic truth, and your life purpose. Through embodying yourself in your truth.

If this pile resonated and you'd like to purchase a personal reading on this topic you can purchase one for just 55$ or send over a tip on Venmo or Kofi if the message resonated and helped in some way! https://ko-fi.com/blackmoonoracle @blackmoonoracle is my Venmo!

PILE 3

You may feel stuck in what you were once defined as, as if other people's perceptions of you cut extremely deeply. Your honor is important to you, you like for things to run smoothly. It's important to you to feel secure in who you are and how you express yourself.

I think that, it would be significantly healthy for this pile to learn what makes them feel passionate.

Maybe you feel that you are judged harshly, or in response to a harsh judgmental world you disconnect from yourself. Extreme self consciousness, fear of being "naked" or "vulnerable". Fear of connecting with yourself and others. Fear of relying on or connecting with your community. Feeling like an outcast, impostor syndrome. Lack of self awareness, TOO much self awareness. Untraceable, or difficult to uncover pain. Not understanding the root of things. Beauty that feels skin deep, unrealized depth, and unfulfilled potential. Learning who you are, finding the drive to connect with yourself. Understanding what it means to be you, and that you have to choose yourself at some point in order to lessen suffering. Fear of risk, and Fear of reward, a very loud self critic.

Accepting and acknowledging the mother wound in order to integrate and heal it. Connecting with earth, trusting nature, allowing yourself to think about the things you fear most. Understanding that you cannot hide from certain truths, and that looking the other way doesn't make it go away. There's a song that went viral on TikTok by MGMT called Little Dark Age. I specifically channeled the part that's like "Forgiving who you are, for what you stand to gain, just know that if you hide- it doesn't go away."

Having to understand that you are not responsible for other people, you are not Jesus, why do you bare the cross. Why do you punish yourself for not meeting the "standards" that others are projecting onto you. Are they standards, or are they control tactics, is it manipulation? Are you in alignment with YOUR thoughts, feelings, and desires? Or are you taking on the thoughts, feelings, desires, and expectations of others who want to strip you of your individuality?

Transforming your self concept, looking at what traits, qualities, and authentic self expressions are ACTUALLY in alignment with your highest good & will call in passion, success, happiness, and stability into your life?

Being proud of your intelligence, your ability to perceive, to be know how to think outside of the box.

Having a lot of eccentric natured personality traits and understanding that those are attractive to others. That what makes you different is what makes you likeable, because it's what's uniquely you. Embodying your truest self form, writing affirmations. Creating lists and notes of the hard to integrate topics and realizations in order to make them more tangible.

Excessive mental energy, very deeply tapped into divine creative expressions. Having blessed thoughts, words, and ways. Knowing that you deserve your blessings, and that you are a generator of luck and karma. That you have to ability to move mountains.

Taking it less personal when people throw rocks from glass homes, knowing that you are worthy of better, worthy of more, worthy of success. Feeding your hunger to succeed, knowing that you have the skill, knowledge, creative drive, and capability to connect with others through your art and creativity.

Uncovering what beauty means to you?

I heard Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo, PIsces, cancer, Gemini, mercury, Sagittarius, 9th house, 6th and 5th house.

Sun in aquarius, Moon in Taurus/Capricorn, Moon in gemini, Moon in Aries, Moon-mars aspects.

Mother Gaia

Disconnected from ancestors and spirit team, but willing to learn and receive.

Looking for a new outlook, looking for a way out, remaining steadfast and faithful in what you believe.

Not allowing others to dictate your thoughts, feelings, or reality.

Co-Creating with divine consciousness.

If this pile resonated and you'd like to purchase a personal reading on this topic you can purchase one for just 55$ or send over a tip on Venmo or Kofi if the message resonated and helped in some way! https://ko-fi.com/blackmoonoracle @blackmoonoracle is my Venmo!

[technically-a-kiwi]

The cosmic cast in color ! ✨

Finaly ! They're all here !

First we have

Peppino Spaghetti THE CHEF

From his pizza oven, he cooks and gives shape to all the multiverse, a very unstable being, destoying things aroud him on a MASSIVE scale when angered. Even if his work is worthy of a god, he claims he's nothing more then a little pizza chef making simple pizzas.

The Noise THE HOST

(yes, I didn't do another art for cosmic Noise c'cause he doesn't need one FOR HE WAS PERFECT FROM DAY ONE ! and because I'm... tired 😵)

If you see a mysterious program playing on your TV, one that you've never seen before, it might be because of this gremlin ! TV host and little chaos bringer, this being of pure mischef will make you wish you were never born as soon as you interact with him. Better pray he get's disinterested from you 'cause once your his target, he will NEVER give you a break, unless he decides to cut his program for a smoke...

Noisette THE MESSENGER

What appears to be a shooting star up high in the sky has a very little chance to actually be this being, from her magic umbrella she travels around the multiverse to briefly open a little café and sell her cosmic pastries. The reason she’s referred as the messenger is because she’s the one who serves as a messenger when cosmic entities don’t want to talk to each other.

The constellations CHILDREN OF THE STARS

Libra, Orion, Cassiopea, Cancer and Gemini, those are the five constellations names, they sometimes visit universes but are not allowed to go alone. They enjoy learning about new places and conceps, even scary ones .

Pepperman THE ARTIST

In a far away dimension, this entity paints and sculps the many art pieces you can find in his galery. He's the master of his atelier, sometimes allowing his students to work on tiny parts of his work. After completing a collection, he sets off to some universes and opens his museum. Are you curious enough to witness those otherworldly works of art ?

The Vigilante VIGIL OF REALITY

When the laws of physics are broken, he'll be there and make those outlaws pay the price... he also is a little farmer who lives in the middle of nowhere, growing cropes and other veggies, he's quite a nice guy.

The Ticket stand ...

in the darkest of corners of an abandoned street, your might meet with this entity. You can buy a ticket, what happens after that solely depends on you.

Pizzahead THE WANDERER ( feat. Pizzaface [design made by @chaotichyperfixations])

A very jolly and silly entity, wandering across the multiverse sharing his performences to whoever wants to see, alongside him is a conscious universe, who wants to get to the rank of cosmic entity, he's not the friendliest of companions but seeing his attemps fall flate is very funny.

Mr Stick THE BANKER

A very nasty entity, he sees high value in money, specificaly money that isn't his. He goes to people in instable economical state, writting their names in his book and claims he has the ability as a cosmic entity to fix their problems, only this is a trick to slowly get every dollar out of their pocket. He sees himself as the boss of every cosmic entity, only nobody ever gave him that title or the respect that comes with it.

Here's how they look like withous the light:

I forgot the sparkles for almost all of them... Maybe I should have given a little more time into this...

[callsigns-haze]

End of pregnancy announcement

A third update

So yesterday I found out some pretty shitty news. But first I have to explain some things.

All my life was around a hospital due to medication and medical conditions. I suffered from cancer and other problems.

So for years I've been on many kinds of medication and treatments.

I went to one of my doctors and they said they'd rather not stop the medication. That's where the problem is. The medication is really not safe to take while pregnant and it could effect my health badly too.

Some of you know that I was in really bad shape in my last pregnancy and it was a really dangerous time for my health and for my own safety this is what I want to do and what I need to do.

I will have to feticide this pregnancy not only for me but it's not safe for the baby growing inside me. This med will probably increase chances of miscarriage but the baby can come out badly disabled or premature and other bad things.

I am sent to a medical clinic in two days to get a pill.

This may not have been what I wanted but my doctor said that this will risk my health severely and it's not safe for me at all.

My boyfriend says that this is not worth the risk and rather than having a baby now he'd rather wait till I'm ready physically and mentally or just never have kids.

And I'm glad he thinks that way.

My daughter is with her dad for 3 weeks so at least I know I can take it easily during this time but sadly my boyfriend is soon deployed but in the end we'll be ok

Love,

Zo

[ravenbloodshot]

Would &team members seriously date a foreigner...

EJ: This is something he's thought about already (idk if he was looking at a foreigner with googly eyes and all the possibilities went through his mind). But he has a calm and chill aura mixed in with a bit of chaos. During those moments when he's in his calm spell, he wants someone more familiar but in his chaotic spells he wants change and someone new that can shake his world up. He's also the type to date a foreigner just to spite his parents (only bc he doesn't like to be put in a box or have conservative views pushed onto him). So, it's a yes, he would if he was in one of his chaotic spells( but he does judge people by their heart so your race wouldn't matter to him)

Fuma: Yes, he would. Has a child like energy of being accepting of others and open to adventure and change by being with someone of a different background than him. Whoever his partner is would be treated the same as if they were Japanese (for good or bad) and although he would be worried about the future, his excitement when starting anything new would override his concerns (only problem is he could go into relationships too optimistic or too given and be taken advantage of). Also, he's big on marriage so like I said above, he would treat his lover of a different culture the same as he would if she was Japanese

K: No. He's too worried about himself to even consider whether he would date a foreigner, a Japanese, a Korean ....whatever he doesn't care. He's not worried about his love life or his emotions rn, he could be neglecting his emotional side and being very closed off to anything new romantically (anybody going after him would be swiftly rejected). I will say that he's quite young but he's not experiencing his youth to the fullest(has the energy of an older man), too much investing in the future to worry about the present. This mindset could fuck him over so I hope he finds some balance

Nicholas: Yep, he would and already has. But these foreigners have to go after him, he's not confident enough to go after them (he himself has a feminine energy, so he may need a more alpha fem in a relationship). He has some insecurities as well, so he could overthink himself out of a possible relationship but I do see some flirting/dating when it comes to foreigners. He likes more dominant and direct partners and I believe he's seen more of that from foreign women so he's down for anything/anyone

Yuma: He would date a foreigner. He's a bit intimidated and overawed by foreigners but it's not exactly an uncomfortable feeling of being intimidated (it's like in the fanfics or wattpad stories when the girl gets turned on by a cold and lowkey mean man). He could be another guy that likes the alpha fems that can be dominant and a little aggressive. (I'm also seeing that Yuma may think foreign women have different body shapes then maybe in his own country so thats appealing/enticing to him). But he's open to being with a foreigner marriage wise and one night stand wise

JO: Yes. He has a chill and open minded view when it comes to this topic, he's ready for any new and real love that comes his way (very romantic and dreamy guy, I guess it's cancer tings). He does keep a mature view still by staying alert for red flags in a partner but other than that if your providing him a once in a lifetime love, he'll welcome you with open arms

(Surprisingly, all these guys were cool with dating a foreigner nobody really was put off by the idea and some actively seek to date foreigners)

I left out 3 members

Ranking for most to least likely:

1. Nicholas

2. JO

3. Fuma

4. Yuma

5. EJ

6. K

[heksen-sabbat]

I see u tag a lot of ocs tags👀 id love to hear more abt them can you tell please??!?

!!! sure, i can try to! there's too much information to tell in one post, so my explanations will sound very bad probably, but i'll try to summarise where it's relevant to the kind of things i tag them in

ouu sorry in advance

the main ones i tag are the two ⁎rotterdam wizards⁎ gauricus and steentje (they just happen to live in rotterdam at the same time)

gauricus (gender androgyne, any pronouns but it depends on context) is a young man who has been around for a long time, he was born during ww2 in a small rural village which was insular and very religious. for this reason (and he's a big fan of historical texts) he talks very old-fashioned, so i tag him in things that remind me of how he talks

he was convinced as a child that he was condemned to belong to hell, so years later after he left home and happened to become associated with secret members of a cult who love communing with demons and hoping for armageddon to happen so that the world will be left for sinners to rule, he thought that sounds great! and he should join them!

he becomes one of their top 3 members because he's very passionate about it, and he partakes in a ritual which kills him and loses him his soul but he gets a fragment of demon to replace it so once he comes back to life he can do Unlimited Black Magic (it has a limit… it's just a lot easier for him to do magic than someone who learnt it the proper ways)

his area of magic is transmutation, so he shapes materials into different things. he uses this to create homunculi of himself that he buries in the ground, and if he gets killed, his spirit will inhabit one of them and emerge out of the ground and he continues as normal. he wants to live to see the end of the world, after all! he never ages older than mid 20s because he's in love with himself and doesn't want to change. except his sex he changes that sometimes

he likes to be very nice to people, enormous fan of nature (particularly the moon) and philosophy and religion, but he can also be really scary because he messes with people's lives as a pastime

he's my most developed oc ever i write essays about a bunch of stuff i'm not touching on here😑😑😑 BOOO onto one who's not a freak 💯

steentje tellen (dutch for "stone counting" which is a phrase about people who walk slowly because they're looking at the ground) is the alias of yenthe, who is a modern folk healer burnt out at the ripe old age of 24. she is a part of the gabber subculture, she exclusively enjoys hardcore music and makes some too. antisocial unemployed urban loiterer, you understand

for no particular reason she has a lifelong conviction to help people who are injured physically or mentally; she learned some white magic from two women in her childhood apartment (#community). seeing so many injuries has been very taxing on her young life, though, and she has worked out an extreme dependency on cigarettes and energy drinks to keep her functioning. and maybe like a big gyro

her magic use blends in very well with the world because it usually just looks like she's preparing to smoke something, using different plants she grew to have different properties. also has cool hand tattoos to help her. and the benefit to being a healer is she barely has to look after herself because if her body gets any problems she can just cure it. she will not get lung cancer <- manifestation (the downside: she barely looks after herself)

gender She Doesn't Think About It only that she likes to be called mister instead of miss, but for everything else she doesn't care. it will get bad if she introspects for too long about anything so she Does Not! hostile about any level of intimacy unless she's high, too much of a toughguy to talk much unless it's insults

[uselessmicrowave]

Hello there :) may I please have a matchup for RID15 and/or Rescue Bots? (RID15 preferred if only 1 is allowed, but whatever you think matches best)

At first, I come across as aloof, calm, and socially awkward. I'm very to-the-point, and can sense BS very quickly. I never get involved in drama, but I might make a witty joke while I sit in my little corner and watch with popcorn. I've been told I'm very observant and I've been called an old soul. But when you get to know me, I can be a bit of a gremlin😆.

I have a huge imagination and I'm always daydreaming. I'm creative and I love storytelling. Especially theatre and writing. Once I start writing, I find it hard to stop (as you can see here😂). I'm a film geek who likes psychological horror movies (Hitchcock films, The Shining, Carrie, etc). But I also love Scooby Doo. Another thing I like is archery and being outdoors.

I may be a complete basketcase and 24/7 stressed, but I try to look on the bright side of things when I can, and I consider my life to be an adventure. I know my problems will be a fun story to tell at parties someday.

One thing I despise is being talked down to. I also hate when conversations get needlessly intellectual and philosophical. Like, I don't wanna use my one braincell!

Fun facts: I was born with weirdly shaped pinky fingers. They're both bent sideways. Apparently it's called "clinodactyli" or something, so that's cool. I have sensory issues. My favorite movie is Gremlins. One time, I accidentally printed, like, 87 pictures of a cat because I was a dumb 7-year-old, and the entire computer room was flooding with cats. My mom was so mad😂. Also, I'm terrible at videogames. I tried to play World of Warcraft once, and spent over an hour trying to get out of the canyon I accidentally jumped into.

I'm a Genini-Cancer cusp, (technically Gemini) Libra rising. INFP (although, the second time I took a test I got INFJ so idk lol).

Hello! I’ll be matching you with RID15 Fixit and RB Chase.

Fixit

He loves to hear about your daydreams! He just adores hearing your stories and works in progress, the premise, the plot, whatever it is, he’ll listen.

He also has sensory issues, so he’ll avoid his own sensory issues and the textures you don’t like as well.

Fixit will try to watch horror movies with you, but he’ll end up hugging onto you and hiding his face from the screen. He will get spooked while watching Scooby Doo, as well.

He’ll try to get some stress off of your shoulders, he wants to help you out with things (organization/sorting, moving manageable things, ect.).

Chase

He has the same amount of tech knowledge that you do, and he’s done something similar with the Burns’ printer.

Chase will also watch arguments from a corner with you, he can’t eat popcorn but he thinks it’s funny.

He’ll attempt to help you in your video games but somehow messes up harder.

He likes to look at your writing and works in progress, even if he doesn’t have permission to. He just loves your writing so much…

[razor-tits]

A very long and over due life update.

So, to start this off I guess I need to back up. Let's start in October. It feels like yesterday but also a lifetime ago. Things were...ok I'd say. Boring, routine, the only shake up was my hormones ran out and my job was changing our insurance, so I had to cancel my follow up appointment for bloodwork and a refill. But then I got some bad news from my parents.

My dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. He was ok, but he needed surgery. First they thought just a stent, but then decided he needed a triple bypass. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but we're kind of distant. I live a few hours away and only see them around the holidays but we talk on the phone weekly. My dad can lean a little on the conservative side but both of them are the absolute salt of the earth. They're done so much to help me and I felt powerless to be able to help. I couldn't leave work and felt like there was nothing I could do.

The next couple weeks were rough, my dad was staying in the hospital, my mom was going back and forth staying with him and taking care of my grandma, who is in her late 80's and has a litany of health issues. On a Friday I finally managed to make the drive home and spend the weekend there. Seeing my dad laid up in a hospital gown tied to machines is something i'll never forget. He could get up and move and acted like he was ok. But he's one of those guys you meet and you think he's invincible. The kind of guy that put a new roof on our house with a broken finger and can't turn away a stray animal at the door. Some family members I hadn't seen in a long time came and went over the weekend. Thoughts of our own mortality set in and I realize this could be the last time I see any of them.

I've lost people before. Some of them suddenly and unexpectedly. Others who's death was almost a sigh of relief after fighting for so long. I never got to say goodbye when my friend died and I hope he knows how much he meant to me. I don't want to feel that again, ever.

The day of surgery came. He was in the OR for 3 hours but it felt like an eternity and a second at the same time. A few hours after that my mom and I were able to see him. He was extubated already, which was a good sign. But he was on heavy medication, incoherent, coming in and out of sleep. But he knew I was there and that's all that mattered.

I had to leave and make my way back to my parents to get my dog, and then make the 2 hour drive back to Ohio and go back to work in the morning. At this point I knew my dad would be ok, he just had to get through recovery. But now thoughts of my own health were worrying me. I'm not in the best shape, I don't exercise or work out. I've already had surgery to fix stomach problems. Everyone on my dad's side has heart problems, and everyone on my mom's side has cancer and diabetes. There's not much I do to prevent any of that. I'm in my 30's and I feel it, maybe more than I should.

Over the next couple months my mental health continues to fall. I had a birthday and spent it sick, as I always seem to do. It's always a rough time of year for me. Seasonal depression kicks in, I get older, and another year passes. My dog, my best friend, the reason I kept myself alive, is getting old. I see it more and more every day and it breaks my heart.

The holidays came and went. I saw my grandma for the first time in a few years. Always wondering if it will be the last. Despite that, this year I never felt less in the holiday spirit. I used to love this time of year, now I desperately try to enjoy it, but part of me just wants it to be over. The best part seems to be a few days off work.

At this point it should be noted I have not restarted hormones. My identity has always been more in flux than i've let on, and maybe that needs to be it's own post, but I don't know if I want to start again or not. I don't know what I want, I don't know what my goals are. I don't know who i am. Beyond basic hygiene, I really don't even feel like taking care of myself most days. I pretty much always feel melancholic. I'm not angry, I don't get excited, I don't have much joy. My sex drive is non existent and I have no desire to do...well, anything.

New year's comes and I honestly couldn't care. It feels like another day. My gf and I go out and have an Ok time. I'm just so tired all the time it's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself like I used to.

And then, a couple days ago my landlord calls. We have to move out. Not sure when, but probably soon. I'm heartbroken and panicking over it. We absolutely love our house. We've only been here about a year and a half but it's been wonderful. It has plenty of room, privacy, it's quiet. We can leave our doors unlocked and packages aren't stolen off our porch. We're allowed both of our dogs and all 3 of our cats with no issues. We've invested so much time and money here. My gf is close with the owners and their children, who were the previous tenants. We even thought about trying to buy this house off of them when their other kid moves out of the downstairs apartment. And it's affordable. Anything else like what we have now will cost double and we can't afford that.

Our last apartment was tiny, cramped, dark and ran by an awful property investment company. And now we have to deal with that again. If we can even find a place where we can take 5 animals. We can hide 2 of the cats, but not all of them. We're in no position to buy nor do we have the time to go through the process. My gf said we may have to find 2 different apartments and live separately for a while. Just the thought of that brings me to tears. I can't live without her, I can't live without our pets. We're a family. I don't know what to do.

Since I got the phone call I've done nothing but panic, contact rental agencies and weigh my options. None of them are good. Best case scenario is we move in a smaller, worse place, paying more rent.

Nothing is going right for me. I know this isn't insurmountable and nothing that people haven't gone through before. But...god damn I need a break and I can't get one.

[rockshitty]

As a caveat, I love analytical ai. ai that can recognize cancer cells and pastries and deer and shit? Cool. Neat. Not beyond reproach and not impossible to use for evil but not what we're talking about here. My beef in this post is with generative ai. So, assume when I'm talking about ai from now on until the reblog button, it's generative ai.

My core beef with generative ai is that language has degrees of complication that a lot of other shit that's getting generated doesn't, and with every degree of complication it gets harder (and takes more computing power and training data) to generate. You can retroactively see it in the language models we've done so far.

There's a huge mass of randomly generated text, truly randomly generated, most of it is just letters and spaces at total random, thousands of pages of it, that managed to make three words in a row at some point. For the generative computing power that was available at the time that's *incredible.* At the same time as that was going on, analytic computing had mostly solved the game of chess.

I still remember the fun and funky early-ai recipe experiments. A language model got fed thousands of recipes and spit out its best approximation. Some of them were readable. Some of them were even recognizably recipe-like. None of them would have made an edible food and a few of them involved rocks. It was fun and quirky. That was where generative computing was at the time and it was amazing.

Now we're facing some new problems. There are a few degrees of linguistic complication between "recognizable language" and "true statement" and they get harder to hurdle as we continue. We've gotten to the point where ai can make truth-shaped statements on command, sometimes. But you know what else is a truth-shaped statement? An unreality post. A misinformation campaign. A lie. Bullshit.

There's a conversation right now in the fact-checking world about what makes a fact. Is it something that is word-by-word literally true? Is it something that might not be literally true, but conveys an overarching meaning that's true? Is a metaphor a true statement? Is an obfuscation that leaves out important information, but doesn't have anything false in its wording? Is our best understanding from 30 years ago true?

We have recognizable statements, literally true statements, and meaningfully true statements as complications of language that somehow, at some point, artificial intelligence is going to have to learn. Every step upwards is going to have to take more data, more power, more complicated math before it can be done on command.

I'm not going to say it's impossible. But we're not there yet.

[kogo-dogo]

My fiance and I are trying to start an exercise routine to get into better shape now that (after eleven years) I finally have answers to What Makes Everything Hurt and How To Make It Not Do That, and it got me thinking about what could have been if I had just had any doctor listen to me when I was in my twenties.

I have never been stick thin--even at my healthiest, I was built like an ox--but I used to bike six miles a day, five days a week. I went to a pilates class M/T/F. I swam laps twice a week if I could manage to fit in the time. I worked a job that was very physically demanding. But I wasn't stick thin, so when I suddenly started having such severe pain I couldn't do anything, it was always blamed on my weight. ALWAYS blamed on my weight. I had a doctor trick me into taking phentermine when I complained about my fatigue, and I only found out what it really was when I came back and he lamented that I hadn't lost weight.

I was literally in so much pain that I had my brother bring a futon mattress down to the living room because I didn't have the wherewithal to make it up the stairs to my room to go to bed. That sudden of a change after being extremely physically active. And they still blamed my fucking weight.

It wasn't until I was in my thirties and started having heart issues that anyone told me anything aside from "lose some weight" and "take an anxiety pill." I found one doctor who didn't immediately blame everything on my weight, and they slapped me with a Zio monitor after the fifteenth time I ended up in the ER for almost blacking out while changing clothes or what-the-fuck-ever, and that led to blood tests and specialists and wow, did you know that I actually have a laundry list of health problems?

Like my thyroid doesn't work right? I have PCOS and a condition that fucks up my hormones and makes me more at-risk for uterine cancer? Did you know that I have an irregular heartbeat because my thyroid was ignored for so long? And that I inherited my dad's fucking psoriatic arthritis that I have been telling doctors about for years but they said I was too young to have it and I just needed to lose weight?

And I got really emotional in the shower earlier because all I could think of is all the years of pain that would have been missed and how much more capable I'd be and how much permanent damage could have been avoided if the very first doctor I went to didn't blame everything on my weight and ignore every fucking thing I said. Because now I can finally wear my favorite shoes again because my ankles aren't swollen so big that I can't zip my boots up (the arthritis did that!) and I am trying to get back into shape (carefully, because the heart thing!) and I'm just very, very mad thinking about all the things I haven't done just because I hurt so bad, for legitimate I Am Fucking Sick reasons, and everyone just said, "You're fat. That's why."

If anyone ever tries to tell you that all your problems are because of your weight, you should fucking kick them in the face.

[radioactiveradley]

PATHOLOGY OF THE URINARY SYSTEM (aka: STUFF WHAT GOES WRONG WITH YER PISS BEANS)

(AND YER PISS TUBES)

(and the pretty pictures I take of them)

[a warning: this post contains radiographic images and non-graphic description of serious kidney pathologies, including paediatric cancer]

Let's kick off with an old familiar friend! Yeah, I'm talking -

UROLITHIASIS (the humble kidney stone!)

Wanna know something horrific? The biggest kidney stone on record weighed over a kilogram. It was 17 cm across. Just. Imagine. Trying to piss that out…

Urolithiases are formed anywhere among your urinary tracts. They’re commonly found in the kidneys, giving rise to the more common term, renal calculi, or kidney stones.

Urolithiasis occurs when compounds within your urine crystallise. If your urine becomes too acidic, too base, contains too many of these compounds for them to remain in solution, or simply… sits around too long without flowing, it literally petrifies into a solid lump!

Some unlucky souls are just… predisposed to developing them. If you have had a kidney stone in the past, you are far more likely to get another one in the future. There also seems to be a genetic link – so if someone in your immediate family gets kidney stones, you have a higher risk.

Kidney stones typically hang out in the pelvis of your kidney and don’t cause an issue. Until you try to piss them out. Remember our kidney diagram (drawn on a conveniently shaped bean)?

You might notice that the ureters are significantly smaller than the renal pelvis. In other words…

Most renal calculi are made of CALCIUM (oxalate, usually). This is very, very good (for us. Less so for you) because calcium attenuates x-rays – meaning, it glows all pretty and shiny when we take a radiograph!

Here’s a kidney stone on an Abdominal X-Ray!

And a twinkly artefact caused by a kidney stone on Ultrasound!

But the best way to assess urolithiases, is, of course, with CT!

For realsies. We don’t need to inject contrast intravenously, because the kidney stones are (typically) shiny – which cuts down on time and worry, as it means you’re at no risk for having an adverse reaction! So a CT KUB (checking Kidneys, Ureters and Bladder for stones) is basically just a quick tumble in the washing machine (CT scanner), with a lovely clear picture as a result!

Look at these babies!! So sharp!!! So clear!!!!!! So shiny!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s a beautiful matching pair of renal calculi right there – and to make things better, they’re (currently) non-obstructive, so this patient isn’t in suffering The Agonies!

Speaking of The Agonies…

Most kidney stones are passable, albeit with extreme pain.

However, some ain’t going anywhere. Especially staghorn calculi, which, um. One, stags have antlers. Two…

more like a fuckin' MOOSE ANTLER amirite????

But yeah, those buggers aren’t coming out. That’s almost definitely going to require surgery!

Smaller calculi can still cause problems when they become obstructive – i.e., they block the passage of your peepee. They can lead to:

HYDRONEPHROSIS (dilation of the renal pelvis due to retained urine, seen here in the Left kidney [right side of image])

HYDROURETER (dilation of the ureter)

So, what do we do with bothersome calculi? How about some...

EXTRACORPOREAL SHOCKWAVE LITHOTRIPSY (ECSWL, because we love a sexy little acronym here in medworld).

We blast the stone apart with shockwaves, from outside your body! Ultrasound turned up to 11! Unfortunately, it only works on certain densities of stone, and on small stones.

LASER LITHOTRIPSY

(same thing but…. ZIP ZAP LASERZZZZZ]

SURGERY – PERCUTANEOUS NEPHROLITHOTOMY (PCNL).

(I totally haven’t added to this diagram in any way. This is how it works. Trust me.)

LOADS of other stuff can go wrong with The Ol’ Piss Beans

We have:

RENAL CELL CARCINOMA

The most common form of kidney cancer.

For suspected malignancies, we do a CT Urogram that assesses the whole urinary tract. This takes significantly longer than a KUB, but is well worth the results. This is a three-phase scan. We do...

A regular KUB non-contrast scan to check for calculi and to get our baseline Hounsfield Units ('grayness' and densities) for the kidneys. Then we inject contrast in a 'split bolus' - one load immediately, and another roughly 8 minutes in, scanning roughly a minute after the second injection is given. We scan 80 secs after the first contrast bolus is administrered, for the 'nephographic' phase, which enhances the renal cortex & medulla, and makes neoplastic changes and renal masses obvious (see image above). Then we wait 10-ish minutes and scan for the 'excretory' phase, after the contrast has worked its way through your kidneys, to detect 'filling defects' (anything that stops contrast opacification of the ureters) and pathologies related to the urinary collection system.

NEPHROBLASTOMA

This is one of the more common cancers found in kids. Although paediatric cancer is never exactly a happy topic, this cancer is now curable in roughly 90% of cases, thanks to the early removal of kidneys and the possibility of transplants.

Autosomal Dominant (and Recessive) Polycystic Kidney Disease

An inherited renal disease that can cause you to go into End Stage Renal Failure due to the healthy tissue in your kidneys becoming completely overtaken by cysts. As a result, your kidneys can grow more and more, until they practically fill your whole abdomen. 45% of patients will be in ESRF and need dialysis by the age of 60. Thankfully, transplants are an option.

Other commonly encounutered renal pathologies include trauma, which I talked about in my first kidney ramble (linked here!), infections, and more.

I hope you enjoyed this whistle-stop tour of Stuff That Can Go Wrong With The Kidney, And How We Look At Them Gnarly Beans!

....And, um, I spent way too long making this and now need to pee. This is your reminder to go empty that bladder if you need to! Stop those stones!

[cryptidsurveys]

Friday, July 19th, 2024.

Do you want the last dream you had to come true? No. It wasn't a bad dream - it was just bizarre - but life is bizarre enough already.

When did you last talk to the person you’d most wanna talk to right now? That would be my dad, and I talked to him just a couple of minutes ago while I was washing my lunch dishes.

What kind of pill did you last take? Migraine meds.

Do you like wearing glasses? I don't mind wearing them while I drive, but aside from that, I almost never wear them.

Does your mom know the last person you hung out with? I haven't properly "hung out" with anyone in ages.

What were you doing 4 hours ago? Let's see…that would have been around 9:40am…so I was probably weighing cats.

What would you most like to eat right now? I'm good. I just finished eating a chicken salad.

How long were you last in the car for? 15-20 minutes.

What is something good that happened last weekend? I can't think of anything specific. It was just a generally nice weekend comprised of the usual stuff.

Do you like holding hands or do you think it’s stupid? I like it.

The last song you heard, what does it make you think of? I listened to a classical radio station on the way home from the shelter, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was just kind of zoning out on my own random thoughts.

How’d you get your last injury? I don't recall my last injury.

What do you like about your birthday? It's gotten to the point where it's just another day. I did go out to eat with my parents this year, but that was basically it.

Do you like being home alone at night? It depends on why I'm alone. I live with my dad, so if he was gone overnight, that might indicate that something bad had happened.

What first comes to mind when thinking of 10th grade? Other than hospitalizations for my eating disorder, not a whole lot. Even those have more or less dissolved into a blur.

What’s the scariest thing that’s happened to you? Probably finding out my dad had cancer. Thankfully, it's been well-managed and he's in relatively good health.

Has an ambulance ever came to your house? A few times.

The person you’re thinking about - what are you thinking about them? Due to the last two questions, I'm thinking about my dad. I'm just grateful he's doing as well as he is. He's the most important person in my life and I honestly don't know what I would do without him.

When did you last skip class? Yeeears ago.

Do you like the shape of your fingernails? Ehhh.

Did you look at your fingernails for the question above? Lol, yeah.

Whose pool did you last swim in? I don't remember the last time I went swimming, but possibly a hotel pool.

What’s something you like about your 3rd hour? N/a.

Is formspring a good idea? Oh wow, is this survey really that old…? We've got ourselves a veritable fossil on our hands.

What’s your biggest problem at the moment? I guess it's not really a problem because I've been dealing with it for a while now and I might have found some sort of solution. I want to spend more time at the animal shelter; however, I don't think Alex and Cassie really want me around. I don't think it's personal; I think they just wish there were no volunteers whatsoever. I have my own agenda, though. Animal shelter work is my passion, and I plan on being there long after they're gone, so I tend to ignore those subtle vibes. So, solution one is to simply outlast them. But solution two, in the meanwhile, is to start doing more work on the dog side of things. Do what I need to do in cattery, then get out of their hair. Because, honestly, they aren't the sole arbiters of the shelter, and there are other people there who might actually appreciate the help. Also, it's no longer about people-pleasing. It's about building up my own abilities, working toward my own future, and doing something that truly brings me joy. I'm not going to let a couple of nobodies stand in the way of my dreams. ;D

What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you? I'm not sure.

When did you last see a police car? Within the past couple of days.

Why aren’t you doing something more productive than this? I don't wanna.

How many different cars have you driven? Five, I think? Although four out of the five were very brief experiences.

What did you do on Thursday? I stayed at the animal shelter all day. From 7am to 5:40pm. To the bitter end, lmao. It was definitely tiring, but it was also pretty chill, and it's something I'm planning on doing more often. Maybe 1-2 times a week to start and then I'll slowly build up from there. After seeing more of the process for myself, I think Alex and Cassie might be sort of unfair to the dog people. They're always on their feet, taking dogs out rain or shine; it's extremely loud and chaotic; there's more danger and safety precautions involved; the work is more strenuous; etc. Cattery is a breeze in comparison. I know cattery doesn't like staying late for the dog stuff to be finished, but I don't think it's anyone's fault. They're just understaffed, so it's going to take longer, and under the circumstances, I think everyone is doing their best. I certainly didn't notice anyone slacking or goofing off or whatever has been implied. Alex might be a bit of an unreliable narrator...go figure. :')

But yeah, I hung out with some dogs in the yard, did some doggy dishes, and helped dry kennels at the end of the day, and it was just nice to be around a different mix of people. I'm looking forward to exploring/experiencing more of that side of things.

What color was the last thing you drank? Clear.

What do you do on Fridays? Volunteer. I was there today from around 7:20am-12:15pm.

Have you ever had to take desperate measures in a desperate situation? Yeah.

What door did you last open besides any on your house or car? The front door to the shelter.

What is the meaning of life? I don't know whether or not life has any inherent meaning. Maybe the only meaning is whatever you think it is…so you better think good thoughts because in the end thoughts are all you really have, huh?

[newvegascowboy]

There's a faint sunburn on Red's face in the shape of their sunglasses. In the sun, the bright copper of their hair is almost liquid gold. Arcade knows beneath those mirrored shades reflecting his own face, Red's green eyes are crinkling at the corners, but no amount of aesthetics is going to make him forget that Red is an asshole, and their grin gives him agitah.

"You worried about getting stranded out here with little ol' me?"

"I'm worried about dying of exposure," Arcade says. "Or skin cancer."

"That takes time to develop. You'll be fine." As if to antagonize him further, Red pulls the cigarette our from behind their ear and places it between their lips. Their attention returns to the engine. Arcade let's out a little breath, looking down the stretch of baked asphalt. The road is empty but for a battered mile marker. He almost expects a tumbleweed to roll across the road as Red speaks again. "Besides, someone's bound to come down this way eventually. If I don't get this fixed, we can just hitchhike."

"First I'm trusting my safety to the fate of your deathtrap on wheels, then to the kindness of random strangers," Arcade sighs. "What a day."

"You've got a problem with hitchhiking, too?"

"People die hitchhiking," Arcade says. "Or get robbed."

Sitting back on their heels, Red rubs at their cheek with the back of their hand, leaving a streak of grease behind on their skin. "You're very paranoid," they note, head tilting to the side. Even hidden behind their shades, Red's eyes feel sharp.

Arcade hitches a shoulder to shake the itchy feeling crawling up his spine. "I like to think of it as a healthy fear of the unknown," he says.

"Or you're just anxious and neurotic," Red points out.

"Or that." Arcade shrugs again. "Though considering we've only known each other a collective hour and a half, I don't know if you're in the position to be passing judgement."

Red spreads their hands. "Hey, I'm not judging," they say, leaning forward to delve back into the engine of their motorcycle. "Just making an observation."

"Well, keep it to yourself."

Chuckling softly, Red shakes their head. "Yes, sir."

[timeoverload]

I am feeling scared today. I have a lot on my mind.

I don't want to complain about it but my symptoms have gotten a lot worse. I can't walk normally anymore unless I rest for a while. I feel ridiculous and I hate it when people stare at me because I'm hobbling around. I used to run laps around them. It takes so long to get from one place to another. I was so anxious about getting out of bed this morning. The past month I have been experiencing odd vibrations in my outer thigh and it's happening more every day. At first I kept thinking that my phone was going off in my pocket. Every time I looked down to check, it was always in my pocket on the opposite side and I didn't have any notifications. The sensation is becoming stronger. It happens when I'm sitting now too. It's almost like someone strapped a cellphone to my femur and I keep getting phone calls. I don't know how else to describe it. My leg always feels like it's buzzing now. My foot is messed up from dragging it around for so long. I hate stairs.

I want another steroid injection but it's $1000 even with insurance. I don't even know what the new insurance plan I have will cover and I haven't been able to look into it yet. Someone told me the insurance company wouldn't cover any of the costs for the radiation for their cancer treatments and I think that's messed up. I think the new company we switched to sucks but my work will always go for the cheapest option so that's not a huge surprise. I guess I don't have high hopes that they will help me much either. I could try to find other insurance but I think that would be more expensive. I don't have the money to have that injection done anyway. I know it won't actually fix my problem but it does make it a lot easier to deal with.

My spinal canal is becoming more narrow due to my lumbar stenosis but I think I was just born this way and that it is partially congenital. Sometimes I wonder how different I would be if I hadn't been ripped from the womb too soon. The only thing that could make it better would be a laminectomy or lumbar spinal fusion. Those are major operations and I don't want to do that but I know I'm going to have to sometime in the future. I need to be in better shape. I have had to face the reality that I may become paralyzed and that terrifies me. It's already starting to happen.

I have so many things I want to do but I'm afraid I will never get a chance to do them. I don't feel like I'm thriving at the moment. I have less than 10 years to have a baby and I am afraid it's not going to happen. My biological clock is ticking and it has been bothering me so much lately. I'm not healthy enough. I have to get better soon. I couldn't care for a baby right now when I can barely take care of myself.

I don't know how I am going to get through the rest of the week. I'm so tired already. I think I need to go to bed early. I need to rest for a while so I don't know how much I will be on here the next couple days. I am just so far beyond burned out and taking time off didn't help much. I didn't accomplish enough. I don't know what to do about anything right now. I am very overwhelmed. I still haven't gotten my glasses either and I might not be able to go pick them up even if they do show up this week due to the weather. I should have known this was going to happen but there's not much I can do about it now. I will just have to deal with it I suppose.

I have been trying not to be so pessimistic but I'm having a hard time with that. I will keep trying to be happy. Hopefully things will get better soon...

Thank you for trying to help cheer me up today. I hope you all enjoyed your snow day and that tomorrow is a good day too. 💖💖💖

[nerdydowntherabbithole]

hey, still working on the fic btw (got some cool ideas about the environment around EF), but i just thought of an insane AU

so i am about to ramble to you now, not going to turn into fic(at least i dont think so, i'm not good at writing gun fights)

but basically, what if the iterators were powered by nuclear reactors? (or what if rain world was stalker/metro/last of us/mad max)

i call it...

The Radiation AU

to start, the iterators and their angst. back when the ancients were alive they kept the reactors nice and functional, but after they left? yeah they started falling apart. of course, they still need water for cooling and energy production (remember, nuclear reactors are basically glorified steam reactors) so the rains are still a factor, but uh oh! the disrepair caused the radiation to fill the systems, so now the rain is radioactive AND acidic!

anyway, the rot! pebbles still tried to kill himself, but not only he failed but the rot is rapidly mutating due to radiation exposure, coming in a full RAINBOW of suffering! all colors and shapes, some are small and fast, others shoot acid and so on! (ofc not all mutations are "good" some for example burn when exposed to UV light) they are basically different species from on another so not only they attack pebbles, they also attack each other!

anyway, so moon fell(got real thirsty) but her reactor is still """"""functional""""". so while it isn't really powering her anymore, it is pumping radiation directly into the landscape, creating a radioactive hellscape around her collapsed structure, a zone, if you will (wink wink, stalker moment)

anyway, fauna time. the lizards (and most creatures for that matter) are mutated abominations, sickly things covered in actual cancerous tumors, radioactive to the touch~!

anyway, scavs! so the scavengers are no longer silly. first, they are armed to the teeth, guns, grenades and everything else. second, they got the rad(iation) protection, instead of googly eyes, they have dark masks with dark lenses covering their face, making sounds of deep breathing as they go. now for how they live, the tolls are essentially outposts to stay alert for threats and protect their main colonies, basically, the outposts hunt for crafting materials, food, medicine and watch for threats, they move those supplies to treasuries(that also serve to supply the outposts themselves) and then all of that supply is taken to their actual settlements(which are underground btw). in this harsh world, clean medicine is very valuable, they also use the crafting supplies to make ammo and weapons for their outposts. very metro-esque aesthetic to them.(and a little bit of stalker in there)

anyway, scugs!(now their aesthetic is more of a mix between stalker, last of us and max max) first off, the masks. while the scavs (as mentioned before hand) use the classic old-school gas masks that have two lenses, the scugs tend to wear respirators with wide visors(like these:)

there is no practical reason for this, it's just neat.

anyway, the scugs also have the medicine problem, but while the scavs hang around ancient structures and use them to create the aforementioned supply chains, the scugs tend to just leave a location when the existing supplies run out, this also means they are not as well armed as the scavs. hence their migrations.

and FINALLY, our beloved scugs

lets start with gourmand. they are a dreamer, they dream of a sanctuary untouched by radiation, so they lead their colony into constant migrations. and every time they migrate, they lose more scugs, which leads us into...

survivor and monk, they were the most recent casualties. monk slipped because of the rain and survivor was quick to jump after, so they are now alone together, as survivor has no plans of taking them back to the colony. because: 1. they probably already left. and more importantly... 2. survivor is tired, tired of losing friends, tired of travelling harsh terrains, they just want to live in peace and take care of their sister like they promised their parents. so they stay, mainly around outskirts, less radiation. survivor is not the best caretaker and monk is young and naive(which sometimes lands them in unwanted situations) but they live the best they can.

arti time, arti backstory is mosly the same, but changes a bit so i'll detail. arti and her pups were starving, spent some time like that as well, so when they passed by a scav treasury, and smelled the scent of food, one of the pups decided to surprise their mother by following the scent and coming back with a big box full of food and medicine! but their mom wasnt happy, why was she not happy? ... the pup barely had enough time to turn around before they were cut down by bullets. arti grabbed the other pup and ran, they were almost there! they could make it! ... and then, just as she made an explosive jump... an grenade fired from a grenade launcher detonated next to them... and in an instant they were both ingulfed in a cloud of burning white phosphorus, causing her to drop her last pup into the murky, radioactive, leech filled depths. and causing her burn scars

(giving arti another paragraph) now? arti wants to destroy the scavengers, remember all of that about their supply lines they have? yeah arti is taking that down, they blow up treasuries filled with supplies and kill any scavenging parties they see. forcing the scavengers to get more desperate to attain supplies, leaving their main dens, where their young, old, sick and disabled stay, less and less defended. but she is not alone, they have a, somewhat unwilling, follower...

spear master time, or rather bolt master. they use their needles as ammo for their crossbow, not only that, but instead of a mouth they have a built-in organic filter in their face to protect them for the radiation. they were sent to pebbles after moon's collapse, a last ditch attempt to get pebbles to see reason, didn't work. pebbles not only ripped the pearl from spearmaster's chest, but they destroyed the filter in anger and tossed their body out of their chamber, having an inspector toss them into the top of their can.

luckily for the scug without a face, arti was there (yeah its another arti paragraph). you see, pebbles lets arti deal with their scav problem in the city, they dont actually try to live in the city in this one tho, its suicide. during the era of the ancients, the city was safely protected from the radiation by the ancients' maintenance and the iterators' quarantine, but now the ancients are gone and the iterators couldn't care less about their cities, so the are now filled with radiation. the scavs still go there to hunt supplies because its untouched by the rains, so there's way more intact stuff, but in order to do that they need way more protection. so the scavs that go here have way better gear, full body hazmats, closed masks with oxygen tanks, Kevlar plates and so on.

back to arti and spear, arti decides to save spear by first, covering most of their face with bandages to stop it from falling apart further, and putting spear into one of the aforementioned hazmat, oxygen tank and closed mask from one of the scavs she killed. after that spear sticks with arti, helping in her crusade. at first they sympathize with her suffering. but as time goes on? they watch as arti leaves scavs to bleed out on the floor and watch as she destroys their supplies, she laughs when they sob. so they get into arguments, but arti always reminds them how she can do this on her own, and if they dont like it then they should leave. but they cant leave, they dont want to stay alone, they cant stay alone. what if the wounds reopened? what if the oxigen tank broke? what if the oxygen tube or mask ruptured? what then? they need someone else to survive. they cant even go back to their creator... the oxygen tank wouldn't last the journey... at least they know their creator still watches them, they sometimes see the overseer...

now hunter time, hunter is fucked up yo. so basically, sig observed trough sneaky overseers that the rot could consume the mutants that roamed the wastes just fine. so they came up with hunter, a slugcat, but instead of a regular digestive system, they have the rot that does the digesting for them. they are one of the few non-irradiated creatures that is capable of feeding on flesh because of the rot, they are not on a timer btw, sig gave them busted radiation resistance so they could travel through moon's zone.

riv time, this all starts when another iterator(not from the local group) learns of what happened to moon, you know what i said about moon's reactor still "working"? yeah this is where that comes in, after doing the calculations the iterator realized that the winds would eventually carry the radiation halfway across the globe! then they noticed a curious lone aquatic slugcat near their structure, they had an idea... riv was given high radiation protection and high quality anti-radiation equipment. they were given one mission, shut down moon's reactor(btw this doesn't affect moon, she is too disconnected from the structure). riv aggres as a thank you for the equipment and modifications (done with riv's consent btw), after this they could travel pretty wherever they want with the mods and equipment

all of the scugs happen very close to eachother in the timeline of this AU, riv is the last one as they arrive right after hunter arrives to the region.

as for saint... they dont exist because i couldn't think of a way to make them fit.

thank you for reading my insane ramblings

I AM GOING TO FAKKING BITE YOU THIS IS ALL SUCH AN EPIC AWESOME CONCEPT YOU ARE SO EPIC FOR THIS WHAT. AAAHAAAIDHIEUHFEOUFHDUHEFUEHEUEFEFUEEHHE AUGH. HELP I AM STARING