#i'm officially emotionally spent

[sashayed]

I haven't said as much about electoral politics this year as I have in previous cycles, because I am exhausted like everyone else and have nothing new or helpful to add. That is still true, so caveat lector I guess lmao!!! Happy American Election Day Fellow Sufferers!!

I have been experiencing an internal backlash the last few years to my extremely Sorkinpilled D.C. private school upbringing -- my childhood spent as a kind of convent schoolgirl in the faith of The System Is Good If We All Participate, which of course has a uhhh let's say generously a minimal engagement with the ways in which many of us are by design shut out of participating. I don't think idealism is necessarily childish, but I think MY idealism certainly has childish qualities, an undergirding of 90s feel-goodism, of civic participation as a subtle ego stroke and of voting -- although I would never have consciously put it this way -- as a way to feel superior to people who don't vote.

Lately there has bubbled up in me a sludgy, adolescent fury at this whole stupid country that has made it very very hard to feel like I should do even the bare minimum. For these people? AMERICANS? The ones that not only want Donald Trump to be president but saw what happened the first time and were like, We love this, do it again but worse? Whatever, fuckos. "I hope you people get your dearest wish and it chews you to death slowly," I may have thought.

I have also thought: why is it so controversial to ask elected officials to stop funding a genocide? Why are we treating people who make that ask, who are watching the current administration directly fund death on a mass scale and objecting to that choice, as if they are being babies and just need to get over it? How are they supposed to get over it? Why is anybody over it?

Anyway all this means that I, a known chipper door-knocker and caller of congresspeople, have been pretty low-key this current cycle. I think that is OK. I don't want to make this a big dramatic confessional about how I didn't write enough postcards or whatever. We all get exhausted and this was my turn.

But it has also been an illuminating cycle in that it's made it clear to me how much at my big age I still want politics to make me feel good, and when they don't, I still have the urge to throw a lil tantrum about it! I can get very superior and intellectual about how right-wing operatives manipulate their voters emotionally WITHOUT EVEN NOTICING that I too have been manipulated, in my case into the feeling that nonparticipation is a kind of revolutionary act.* Just absolute "I threw it on the GROUND" logic happening inside my head. "Maybe if I don't vote I will be doing Quiet Quitting, which is uhhhhh anticapitalist." I'm not a part of your system!!!

Anyway, I am trying to have self-compassion about it, and one way for me to do that is to project my internal experience onto a theoretical reader. That would be you, my imaginary friend who clicked on this post for some reason even though you have already decided not to vote! I just want to tell you that I am more sympathetic to your point of view than I have ever been in my whole life, and I'm sorry I have historically been a glib, holier-than-thou asshole about it in ways that may actually have made you MORE resistant to civic participation.

And you're right: it doesn't make that big a difference whether I personally vote or not, or whether you do. But if there are hundreds of us, and I think there are, then each of those people individually do starts to matter.

I guess I would humbly request that you and I both pay attention to what people who need help are actually asking for. I would ask that we both notice who wins when we abdicate this single responsibility. I would remind us both that participating in the electoral process is not some kind of weird either-or with participating in decentralized community building and mutual aid, and the best people we know do both. Isn't it interesting that somehow, insidiously, without even consciously becoming aware of this belief, we have started to think that you can only do one or the other? Who is telling us that story? Who does it serve?

Anyway. I took the stupid 90 minute round trip to my polling place which was VERY hot for some reason and I stood in the stupid line and some babies waved at me and I cast my vote for Kamala Harris and I'm glad I did it in the same way I'm glad after I do the dishes or take a stupid shower. Doing work doesn't always feel like anything. I also saw a really wonderful small black and white dog that I thought was a cat on a leash. I would not have seen that dog if I hadn't gone to vote. So politics can still make you feel good!!!

*I mean all this analysis is cute and everything BUT ALSO i did switch antidepressants twice in the last year, an astonishingly grueling process that almost made me [affect the trout population]. Could these things be related? hmmmmmmm, don't understand the question, won't respond to it.

[cinnamonest]

I assume this is because I criticized Kamala Harris in my last post.

I want to address this because it's important to me and frustrations currently consuming my life, and I'm very emotionally unwell right now. I want to share my experiences and make a point I feel is important at this time.

Once again, this is very unfitting of the smut fanfiction blog and will be deleted later, even though I'm sure this is a huge follower-losing post, but whatever.

Forgive me for rambling so much, but I encourage you and people who think like this to read in entirety.

I realize things are tense right now in the US.

Part of the reason for my inactivity the past while (besides multiple hospitalizations) is that I'm glued to my screen every night now because I'm very scared. I've been spending all my time researching, watching videos from economists, etc.

(Preemptively, sources for everything I'm about to say: the FEMA Privacy Act Statement itself, the official CPB database, Helene People Finder, United States Council of Foreign Relations, Samaritan's Purse, NYC.gov, Starlink, Politico, ABC, CNBC, georgia.gov, nc.gov, tn.gov, my own life)

The US is an extremely high-tension, polarized political climate, largely due to the bipartisan system.

However, no one should be immune from criticism.

All politicians should be criticized when they do harm. I am allowed to criticize her, and I will.

Criticizing one candidate is not the same thing as endorsing/supporting their opposition.

3,000+ Appalachians are missing. The current death toll makes this the deadliest single event in the US since 1862. A higher death toll than Hurricane Katrina, a higher death toll than the events of 9/11/2001, a higher death toll than any mass shooting.

However, it is largely going completely ignored, and mainstream news media has barely acknowledged it, in part due to elections, but largely because the people who live in Appalachia are poor, rural people. And the harsh reality is that poor people's lives are not treated with the same value as people of higher classes.

FEMA continues to do nothing, and the feds are now threatening to take children away from homeless parents... yet they blocked donations of trailers and campers from nearby areas that would help those people to, you know, not be homeless. A kind group of Amish have come down from Pennsylvania to build shelters, and FEMA may tear them down too since they don't have "permits."

Harris had the opportunity to do something, and has the authority to order FEMA agents to act differently, but she chose to exploit the situation for publicity, then leave and otherwise ignore them. She then went on to pay Beyonce $10,000,000 to speak for 5 minutes.

That deserves to be criticized.

Her campaign continues to claim a good economy and job market, when inflation and cost of living has peaked, and just this month, their policies actually have officially led to one of the worst employment outcomes the United States has seen since the Great Depression, disproportionately affecting low-income workers.

That deserves to be criticized.

She has a bad track record during her time in the judicial system for the way her actions harshly affected underprivileged people, especially Jamal Trulove, who was terribly wronged.

That deserves to be criticized.

Furthermore, the reason FEMA/the government does not have money for Appalachia is for a few reasons, all of which were ordered, facilitated or allowed by the current administration:

1) we've sent over $100 BILLION to the IDF so they can keep blowing up hospitals and kindergartens,

2) we sent $175 BILLION to Zelensky so he can keep sending young men into violent deaths even if its against their will,

3) we just sent $100+ million to Lebanon even after the hurricane crisis, meaning the federal government explicitly chose to prioritize foreign aid over its own people,

4) money was taken directly from FEMA reserves for crises like ours, and used as part of a whopping $150,000,000,000 spent on mass migration — including free flights, a $20 million welcome center with a free-use "game room" with dozens of Xboxes plus free food/lodging, and in NY, an average of $1400 prepaid debit card per individual each month.

Meanwhile, Appalachians get a one-time $750 per family, and if you have insurance to cover anything, it's a LOAN you have to pay back (many "fact-checkers" are claiming this is false when its literally in the FEMA eligibility statement). Many of the independent line workers FEMA hired for repairs are reporting they have not been paid AT ALL since starting.

In other words, the money that was specifically reserved for saving lives in times of crisis was spent on video games and free money handouts.

That, holy hell, deserves to be criticized.

Secondly, I want to address the message itself.

I realize that a lot of the american tumblr userbase is 1) people young enough that they're still partially financially dependent on parents and/or 2) are, like most of the US statistically, earning middle-class incomes, and live in fairly population-dense environments.

Most people outside the US, on the other hand, are getting their perceptions of life, politics, etc in the US from the posts/narratives of people within the aforementioned groups, popular culture, and their own local media, so their perspective is often quite limited, to no fault of their own. I'm sure my perspective of life in other countries is also very limited.

Most of you live in places other than where I live, and live very different lives from mine. As humans, we are naturally prone to subconsciously assuming the lives of others are not too different from our own, and do not naturally stop to consider how various factors might affect people's lives and decisions.

We are social beings, prone to adopting the beliefs of others who have the same experiences and thereby the same limited perspectives as us, especially in ideologically homogenous environments.

However, I have just as much of a voice as anyone else.

My hope is that I can use my words and experience to foster empathy for one another between different people in a very polarized climate at a very tense time.

I'm originally from a fairly rural community of about 8,000 people, largely low-income, low-education, evangelical blue-collar workers and farmers, in the Bible Belt.

It is well-known that this demographic overwhelmingly voted for Trump. I don't deny that. I visit home a lot, I see the yard signs everywhere, flags hanging from pickup trucks and farm fenceposts, lots of red hats.

There is a reason for that.

The administration of the past four years has utterly destroyed many rural, low-income communities.

It caused a huge spike in job layoffs, leading to homelessness, drug abuse, hunger and poverty for many already low-income people, and for select communities, violent crime.

I'm fortunate enough to have had parents better off than most of the community, but I'm self-sufficient now, and I am in the bottom 20% of incomes in the US, even with a degree. I could write endless paragraphs on how hard it is to get by, but to summarize for the sake of shortening — it's very, very rough.

Everything has become drastically more expensive, very rapidly over the course of a few years. Groceries are 3x their 2021 prices. I had to get a guarantor for a one-bedroom apartment.

Many rural families resort to drastic measures to get by. Small farmers are being financially strangled out of their way of life.

The actions of the Biden-Harris administration is the reason a huge portion of my extended family was laid off and now face total destitution, as there are simply no jobs left available.

The Biden-Harris border and crime policies are responsible for the brutal rape of a significant number of women and girls in this geographic region. Statistically, these rapes have quadrupled compared to the previous administration.

A woman was raped and stabbed to death about a mile from where I live.

Our nearby neighbor, a cow farmer back home, was attacked on his own property.

I have personally faced multiple instances of sexual harassment and aggression, some of which were very frightening. I know other girls nearby experienced the same or worse.

Alcoholism and hard drugs due to the spike in unemployment and poverty has ruined many lives, and help is often hard to access in rural regions.

A woman my mom was acquainted with ended her own life in 2023 because her children were taken from her due to her drug addiction and poverty. People I played with on the church playground as kids are now unemployed heroin addicts.

I've watched my mom driven to tears after realizing how drastically her income tax increased, and how little she has left after them despite working around the clock.

All of these can be traced back to the policies and actions of the current administration, and the current Harris-Walz platform's proposals will drastically increase it all — largely voted for by people who live in economic situations and locations as such that they are fairly unaffected by these consequences, so they may not understand how it affects these people.

I could write endless paragraphs of all the people I know who have been at best negatively affected, at worst utterly ruined, by the current administration.

Since I have the unique background of understanding these people whilst having more liberal values as an individual, with a broad range of people I interact with now, I have tried to have discussions on this over the last year or so, in real life and virtually. I believed that raising awareness would make people on the left-leaning side empathize with them, and inspire dialogue to work to implement ways to account for the concerns and needs of the rural poor, and incorporate that into their existing proposals.

I was incorrect. I've been very polite and respectful in how I address others in these discussions. In the vast majority of interactions, I was not given the same in return.

A few were receptive, which I appreciate, but in most of my experiences, the same group that is known for encouraging empathy, apparently doesn't apply that philosophy to people they dislike — no matter how I presented it, they immediately rushed to demonize, censor, humiliate, shame and gaslight me, and expressed callous apathy at best, if not active contempt, for my people.

They say "that doesn't happen," and I think they genuinely believe that due to limited perspective — but the reality is that they're simply in a position of privilege as such that it isn't happening to them.

Similarly, what you have to understand is that from the perspective of many rural people in red areas, their experience is that more privileged people inflicted this suffering on them by voting for it, then silence and shame them for speaking out about it.

Likewise, they also have a limited perspective — for them, the issue I see is that they adamantly believe the "other side" is already well-aware of the effects their choices have on others. I don't think this is true, I think many on the other end are unaware of these issues.

This dual lack of understanding creates mutual resentment and bitterness, which fuels tension.

I will say that trying to explain how girls in my community were assaulted or my own harassment, only to have it spammed with replies along the lines of "don't care" or "deserved" or calling me a liar, seeing posts mocking or wishing harm on people like my family accumulate tens of thousands of likes, having people I care about referred to as "trailer trash," passive-aggressive statements implying I'm too unattractive for a man to harass — this, along with other distasteful actions I've seen, has pushed me away from the left as a community, and I don't think that's unreasonable.

Similarly, labeling people you know nothing about as bad people, without making any effort to understand their circumstances or what they actually believe and why, will drive people away and make them resentful.

My community is multiracial, women are highly valued in southern culture for various reasons, and they themselves are marginalized and underprivileged. They're kind people who have been good to me.

I haven't really met any people who are hateful, nor is hate the reason for their votes — they're all voting as they do because they are scared, exhausted, grieving and desperate. A lot of people in the area never voted before, but are now registering to vote in droves because they feel their backs are against the wall, so to speak.

Moreover, Orange Man himself redirected $14 million dollars to Appalachia, continues to raise awareness for them in speeches, and Musk, who is associated with him, has a team working to help Appalachians. He's also the only noteworthy figure that has acknowledged certain issues affecting them.

They realize that the situation in Appalachia could just as easily be them in the future, that they'd be given the same treatment.

This has resulted in a lot of rural poor people feeling that he cares more for their lives, compared to Biden/Harris who more or less neglected them. Which, considering that, is a fairly reasonable conclusion on their end.

Finally, it is true that blue voters tend to be in favor of abolishing or ruining crucial aspects of our way of life that, I say this politely, they do not fully understand, while the people here want to preserve their way of life.

So, while I have more liberal values that differ from most people back home, I don't believe they are bad people. They are reacting very reasonably to the circumstances they're in.

All I ask of others is to consider, no matter where you are or what beliefs you align with, and no matter what happens tomorrow, that the "other side" to your own may not be the evil people you have been led to believe they are, but are humans whose lives are simply different from yours, and they are acting in accordance to their experiences, circumstances, and fears.

The growing trend of demonizing political opposition with no attempt at empathy, only creates more pain in the world. I hope this has helped to foster better understanding, and that people can be kind to one another.

That is all I wanted to say.

[thefanficmonster]

Piss off your parents pt.3 (finale)

PART 1

PART 2

Colby Brock x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Drinking, Swearing

Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Time wasted can only be compensated with time well spent.

"You wasted us so much time."

Y/N's reply is so far from anything he could've expected, he nearly sprains his neck when his head snaps up. To find a small smile on her face, of all things.

"What?"

There's a note of deep-rooted anger in the laugh that deflates her lungs, "How long?"

"Huh?"

"How long have you felt that way?" She doubles down, her gaze now stiffened into a glare piercing right through him.

"Since we fucking met, ok?!" He'd be less nervous answering questions in front of the FBI. He doesn't know how the script flipped to her being the angry one but it's clear she's gonna let him have it. And he's gonna have to take it, he owes it to her.

"I can't fucking believe you." She shakes her head, shifting to back further away from him and lean her back against the cold mirror behind her. She'd rather hop off the counter and run off - that's what sober her would do, anyway. But, for one, her drunk alter ego is a lot more confrontational, and for two - she physically can't do that. Somewhere along the past ten minutes, Colby somehow ended up standing between her parted legs, blocking her the ability to run away without even meaning to. "You've kept me at arm's length for a whole fucking decade! Treating me like a child, a porcelain doll you feel obligated to look out for! You broke my heart so ignorantly by sleeping around with half the damn town and bragged to me about it! You pushed me into brainwashing myself in love with someone else, led me to believe he felt the same way and now you have the gull to say you were in love with me all along! Bullshit!"

Hellfire, she's showering him with utter hellfire. Each thing she listed got worse than the previous just when he expected it couldn't. It unlocked so many memories he made a vow to never again visit. That was such a low point in his life he didn't notice he had dragged one of his best friends into it as well. Well she's spelling it out for him right here, right now. Loud and fucking clear.

"And to think I was in love with you throughout all of that...fuck, I'm stupid..." She adds in a whisper, highly contrasting the rain of bullets she unleashed seconds prior. It was meant more for herself than him yet it was the final blow for him. His heart is officially down for the count.

"Was? Past tense?" Colby's eyes widen immediately. He didn't hear the words in his brain, they were as news to his ears as they were to hers. He doesn't know where the audacity came from. It's as if he's asking to get smacked. At this point, he'd prefer that to whatever venom she might spew at him. All well within her right.

To his luck, Y/N's gotten tired. Physically and emotionally. And she can't keep the grudge flame alive. Not with Colby at least. She can't help the soft spot on her heart for him. A spot so bruised and sore she can't believe it hasn't turned stiff as stone. It can't, not when her heart starts racing within his proximity every damn time. Not when a smile spreads across her face every time she looks at him. It hurts, yeah, but she doubts it'll ever go away.

"Like it fucking matters." She whispers, again with the same bitterness from earlier.

"Yes it fucking does, Y/N." It's like his brain has been shut off, all rationality has gone out the window. "You said I wasted us so much time. Don't waste more just because you're angry."

She's quick to bite back, "How can I not be? You deserve it, Colby!"

"I know that!" He might not be rational, bordering on desperate, but he's still self aware enough to see and admit to the error of his ways. But he'll be damned if he lets go of this last string of hope. He's clinging onto it like a twig in a flood. "I know I deserve it. But we don't. What we could be, that doesn't deserve more time down the drain, Y/N."

Sudden banging on the door startles them both, reminding them they're in a very peculiar location. A public bathroom. The ladies' bathroom on top of all.

"One second!" Contrasting the deer-in-headlights panic on Colby's face, Y/N takes it upon herself to handle the situation. The sound has scared him into backing away from her, giving her the required space to hop down. She turns to him, poking a finger to his chest, "Act normal. Nothing happened."

With that said, she leads the way out, unlocking the door and slipping out, giving the two girls waiting outside an apologetic smile. They return two knowing smirks when they see Colby emerge from the bathroom right behind her.

"Sorry, girl. Didn't mean to interrupt." The brunette slurs, winking at them both before following after her friend.

"You're good." Y/N replies politely, muttering after the door closed, "You helped."

The pang in Colby's chest cannot be put into words. Before he's had time to recalibrate, she's already gone, having made her way back into the party, disappearing into the crowd.

And just like that, he feels that last string of hope break.

* * * * *

"Hey, I'm so sorry about what I said earlier." Nate shakes the strands of hair away from his eyes so can properly look down at his semi-sober companion who's currently carrying him towards the elevator.

Y/N can't help but smile at him. It hurts like hell but at this point it's like the twentieth blow to the heart tonight. She's become used to it.

"It's ok, Nate. Thanks for being honest and not leading me on." She's aware she's thanking him for the bare minimum but that little conversation with Colby earlier proved to her she should be grateful for that even. Hey, he could've lied. He could've stringed her along, had his fun and then pulled the 'nothing serious' card.

But that's not Nate. He could never.

You thought Colby would never lie to you either. Now here we are

"No, that's not what I mean. I got scared, you know? Friend groups don't survive romance. But I don't care now that I think about it. We should give it a shot. It could be great. Fuck what they think." His words are slurred and his eyes are glazed over, but each syllable is drowning in sincerity. Drunk words are sober thoughts and all that but she'd rather take it as complete nonsense right now.

"Nate, sweetie..." She readjusts the hold she has on her heels so she can grab hold of his hand, "I doubt you know what you're thinking right now. Let's talk in the morning, ok? Get some sleep, sober up, and then we'll figure it out. Sounds good?" She says gently, as if explaining to a three-year-old that Santa isn't real.

He gives her one of those smiles that were the initial reason she (thought she) fell for him, "Yeah." They stop at the door to his shared hotel room with Sam and Colby. Before she can reach for the doorknob, Nate turns to her, his hand coming up to cup her cheek. She momentarily lets herself play along and leans into his touch, knowing how wrong it actually is. "You're the best, Y/N." Their faces, almost instinctively, inch closer and she doesn't do anything to stop it. Fuck all rationality. This night can't get much worse, how bad could a kiss shared between friends be?

She never gets to find out though because the door to the room is thrown open, forcing them apart in an instant. The person standing on the doorstep makes it ten time worse - because of-fucking-course it's Colby.

Y/N immediately starts regretting what almost just happened, semi-glad it didn't. She shouldn't have let it get that far. She's doing to Nate what she was thankful he didn't do to her - stringing him along. She can barely recognize herself - almost kissing one of her best friends while being completely in love with another.

"Oh, um....sorry. I wanted to come help carry Nate up but.....guess you got that covered." He speaks up, trying to cut the awkwardness him and Y/N are currently drowning in. Nate is none the wiser, waving off his friend's apology with a quick 'don't worry about it'. He gives one last squeeze to her hand before going inside, leaving the two staring at each other.

"Is Sam ok?" Y/N asks, cocking her head to the side to take a peek inside the room where she can see Sam's shoes at the foot of the bed. "That fall was pretty bad."

"Yeah, he's fine." Colby sighs heavily, looking over his shoulder at the blonde in question, "Should've stopped climbing on tables like he has nine lives long ago. This might be the lesson he needed."

"Hey!" She frowns at him, "Have some compassion!"

He chuckles, opening his mouth to respond when a sudden yell cuts him off.

"Y/N? That you? Come in!" It's Sam, his voice conveying the pain he's currently in.

She knows she should be heading back down to the front desk to grab her key and go to her own room. But she can't just leave her friend on 'read' in real life and at such a dire time.

So, despite her better judgement, she goes inside to find Nate already out like a light and Sam laying flat on his bed with an arm over his eyes.

"Hi Sammy. Partied a little too hard there, dude." Y/N smiles softly at him, sitting on the edge of his bed.

Sam removes his arm from his face, looking up at her with puppy dog eyes, "Am I gonna die?"

Simultaneously both her and Colby snort out a laugh, sharing a look of mutual understanding and amusement before she returns her attention to the wounded soldier, "You won't. I promise. Just go to sleep." She replies reassuringly, readjusting the ice pack Colby had placed on his knee, causing him to hiss but still nod.

"Stay here for the night?" He asks, almost pleadingly. This interaction is a good insight on the siblingship they have. Colby and Nate have always been variables to her, but luckily she has Sam to be her constant.

"Where am I gonna sleep, Sam?" She asks lightheartedly, looking around the room at the two already occupied beds and the couch by the window.

"There." Sam points at said couch where Y/N can see some trademark Colby clothes splayed around. That's his little nook, clearly.

"And where's Colby gonna sleep?" She laughs, shooting Colby a soft look to find him already staring at her with the same gentleness she's always felt emanating from his eyes.

"The floor." Sam says with no hesitation, causing you both to laugh.

Colby is quick to flip him off, "Fuck you, man."

All he gets in response is a soft snore, alerting them that Sam too has drifted off. Probably for the best cause that scrape on his knee doesn't look pleasant.

And suddenly, they feel like they're alone. Sure, there are two other people present but a canon firing wouldn't be efficient in waking them up. So, they're practically alone.

Neither of them is happy about it.

"Really though, you should stay. What are you gonna do alone in your room?" Colby breaks the brief silence as he awkwardly struts across the room to subtly clean up the mess he's made on the couch.

Y/N shrugs, "Watch TV, drink some more, snack on something, pass out. The usual." She shrugs, carefully getting up so she doesn't nudge Sam out of his slumber.

"You can do all that here....with some company." He offers, cautious about every word that comes out of his mouth. "We don't have to talk about anything. Just raid the minibar and snack tray."

They should talk, they both know it. They're aware that they're at an age where they are considered adults. And adults talk about difficult shit even when they don't want to. They do what should be done.

Not Y/N and Colby, though.

They've cracked open a bottle of rosé and a bag of Cheetos and are currently sitting in silence. A comfortable one, for a change. They've quietly agreed to have this moment be outside the realm of everything else that occurred tonight. Like an island in a stormy sea. There will come a time when they'll have to talk about it, but most definitely not tonight.

Unless...

"Remember the first time we got drunk together?" She asks, watching the pink liquid splashing around in her glass.

Colby snorts at the memory, or whatever he can recall of it. "Barely."

"Yeah, same." She laughs, downing the rest of her wine, "I remember you disappearing for a good portion of the night. Sam and I found you bruised and bloodied hours later."

He joins her in the reminiscing, "That rose bush really did a number on me."

She takes a moment to look him in the eyes. She stays quiet, analyzing him in a way that heats up his skin as though her gaze were a physical force, "You didn't actually fall in a rose bush, did you?"

Ah, there's another lie. A small one in comparison to the first but still a lie. And since it's a night of confessions..."Remember Austin?"

He just unlocked a forgotten part of her brain, "Oh shit yeah! Whatever happened to that guy?"

A dry chuckle rattles his chest, his hand coming up to rub his face, "Well, in short, he liked you a little too much for my liking. So he found out what happens when I'm jealous and drunk."

Y/N can't help but smile. She's a simple girl, of course she finds it hot. But she'll be damned if she lets him notice. She quickly masks it with a joke, "Oh my God, you killed him!"

He laughs, shaking his head before leaning towards her a bit as if he's about to spill some government secrets, "Full disclosure, between you and me..." His eyebrows lift, waiting for her to nod a vow of silence before continuing, "I got my ass kicked."

She busts out laughing, undermining all concern for her two sleeping friends, "I'm not surprised." She teases him, reaching for the bottle for a refill.

Colby doesn't let that happen though. He quickly snatches the bottle, keeping it out of her reach, "Excuse you?!"

"You can't be salty after admitting it yourself." For caution purposes, she sets down the glass before getting up on her knees, extending her arm in a futile attempt at retrieving the stolen item. To her dismay, he just stretches his arm further, making it that much harder. "Oh, fuck you..." she mutters, hovering herself over his lap precariously, putting them in a pretty compromising position.

Colby kicks it into high gear, freeing his hand by setting the bottle down so he can sit her in his lap with a slight tug, earning him a small gasp from her. She settles into him just perfectly, like this is far from the first time they've found each other in such predicament.

Their faces are inches apart. His hands are on her sides, hers are on his shoulders. The proximity is more intoxicating than the alcohol they've consumed throughout the night. They are high on each other and are just now realizing it. Or just now admitting it.

"I thought we weren't gonna talk about it." She whispers, afraid of breaking the thin veil of tranquility currently surrounding them.

"We're not talking about it." His tone mimics hers as though he's afraid he'll scare her off. His grip on her is gentle but firm. It'll physically hurt if he tries to force himself to let go of her.

Luckily he doesn't have to because, before either of them know it, their lips collide.

The innocence of the kiss is brief and gone within seconds. Hands start roaming, breaths are shared, lines are crossed. And, technically, they aren't talking about it. But still, plenty is being said. A decade of pent up emotion is coming to fruition. It's nothing short of passionate, desperate almost.

Right on-brand for them.

* * * * *

"Hi."

"Hi."

They're fully clothed, cuddled up on the couch and alone in the room. Not all lines were crossed last night of fear they might regret it in the morning. However, if their smiles are anything to go by, nothing is being regretted.

Neither of them attempts to move from their comfortable little bubble. Neither of them cares that Nate and Sam probably witnessed this sight when they woke up. Neither of them tries checking the time. It's their way of trying to make the moment last longer into infinity.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" Colby breaks the silence, threading his fingers through her hair.

Her ear is directly over his heart, listening to its steady rhythm she finds so much comfort in, "Just that I can't even lie right. I tell my mom one lie and it ends up becoming true."

Laughter vibrates throughout his chest, sending waves through her body as well, "Is this you asking me out?"

"Do you want it to be?" Y/N shrugs, tilting her head to look up at him.

He smirks down at her, "So much for rebelling, huh?"

"Shut up."

Knowing he won't do so on his own, she tends to the matter herself by pressing her lips to his, effectively shutting him up.

Tagging: @benbarnesprettygurl @beanredacted @m1tsk1l0v3er

[marciaillust]

I am in the process of succumbing to The Social Media FOBF (fear of being forgotten) so I'm gonna write a little update post (˶˃⤙˂˶)

With Ecdysis finally wrapped up I have officially entered the rest period. I'm not gonna lie to yall, I have never crashed emotionally so badly after a project, to point creativity seems like a chore. Some would even call it a burnout.

But I also know that I am currently in the most hectic part of the year, the prophesized summer of horrors I saw the writing on the wall for already in December '23, and this situation is not contributing to my journey of resting at all.

They are not real horrors and I am merely jesting but the situation is still somewhat emotionally taxing in a very normal and predictable way. Anyone who had to move back in with their family past the ripe age of 26 can probably relate, being in a position where you're expected to revert to your old role (of the eldest daughter, in my case) can be challenging, especially when those pants don't fit you anymore. But it is what it is, and it's temporary, too. (And it's not all bad, I love my family and my family love me lots.)

There's this flat I will be moving into, finally a place I plan to live in long term, unlike all these previous house shares and flats I've lived in 1 year max as a student or a young young adult. But that place requires a ground up renovation and to be furnished and if you ever had to spend your weekends driving around town looking for tiles you know that it's its own brand of taxing. Alongside all this, it's work as usual. And I paint for a living so. little rest in the creative department there, too.

All this to say I am just really tired. Really really tired. Really really really tired. It will pass, but currently my time is not my time - it belongs to everyone around me.

And it will pass, it will pass. And I'll rest and find the space to be creative. Though "burnt out" I think I'm slowly starting to brim with potential creative pursuits. But before I do anything the summer of horros must settle into the autumn of resting.

I am positively ITCHING to draw the Clockmaster. If you've spent this long reading (puts a hand on your shoulder) buddy there are already 5 new clockmaster pages in existence. Fresh of the press, 2024 made, still warm still sizzling. I drew them last month between days of packing Ecdysis orders. They will stay in the vault for now because as I said in previous TCM related posts I plan to release the story in big meaningful chunks now rather than page by page like I used to. So it will be some time before you see them. But brother (squeezes the hand that is still on your shoulder) (visibly tears up) it's so good to be feeding the brainworms again. Orion I love you Rosie I love you Garret I love you Catherine I love you and- and- and there is a new character joining us too! You haven't seem him yet, obviously, but I think you could easily guess who he is. I can't wait for all of you to meet him.

I'll see you on the other side friends!!!

[theidiotwhowritesthings]

TAKE CARE OF YOU [3]

Sugar Daddy!Joel Miller x Female!Reader

Overall Warnings: slow burn, angst/comfort, power imbalance, age gap, possessive tendencies, eventual smut, #daddyissues, independent reader learns to let go and relax, emotionally constipated Joel Miller learns to be vulnerable; (more specific warnings to be added to individual chapters if necessary)

Chapter Word Count: 4,501

Summary: You spent your entire adult life supporting yourself and barely getting by. It's why a life of ease offered to you by a mysterious stranger sounded so foreign and unbelievable. Joel Miller, dressed in flannels that had seen better days, didn't look like the kind who could promise you the world on a plate, but he seemed desperate to help out. All he asks is that you let him take care of you. That wouldn't be so hard. Would it?

[a/n: I'm feeling Fridays for the update day, but i'm not married to that idea yet. also thank you for all the love this has seen so far!! I am so happy to know I'm not the only one that would sell my soul to have Joel Miller as my sugar daddy.]

03: YOU THINK MY VOICE IS PRETTY?

"the way his voice sounds, or the words he speaks, i can never decide what pulls me in more." -butterflies rising

‘Morning, sugar’.

You chuckled at the term of endearment and leaned back in your seat. The other people on the bus surrounding you were living their own lives as always. You recognized many of your routine bus neighbors. The woman who ate an onion bagel every single morning on her way to work, the man who still read an actual newspaper rather than use his phone, the brother and sister duo⏤only teens⏤ on their way to school. You wondered how these people classified you in their head. 

‘Morning to you too⏤’ You paused. Should you call him ‘daddy’ again? Saying it teasingly was one thing, but typing it somehow made it seem more permanent. Which was a stupid thought to have, but it was the one that plagued you nonetheless. You deleted your words and started again. ‘Morning! How⏤’ Again, you froze. Was the exclamation mark too much for this early in the morning? It was only yesterday that you made this deal with him and it would be sad for you to annoy him so early in the deal. Delete. Repeat. ‘Joel⏤’ Way too formal. Okay. You were officially over thinking this.

‘Hey! How’s your morning going?’

The moment you hit send that dumb little anxiety riddled voice at the back of your head tried to criticize your choice of words and you had to wrestle it back down. Almost immediately you saw the text bubble of dots pop up as he typed.

‘Great. First meeting got canceled. You?’

It was marginally funny to you that the man who owned this huge company seemed so dead set on avoiding meetings. Plus, it was kind of cute that he was more comfortable in flannel than suits.

‘Just on the bus heading to work!’

The text bubble popped up immediately, then disappeared, then came back, then disappeared once more. As you waited for it to return, his name filled the entire screen as he called you. Your eyes widened in surprise. After getting past your shock, you answered, “Uh, hi.”

“Sorry, repeat that for me.” Joel’s voice was nearly drowned out by a bunch of noise that you’d have to guess dealt with some kind of construction. “You’re on the ‘what’ heading ‘where’?”

“Bus? Work?” You replied in confusion.

Joel cleared his throat and he must have been moving since the noise simmered down. “Yeah, that’s what I thought you said, darlin’. Can I ask why?” The sound that left your mouth was a good representation of your broken brain. “Because I’m pretty sure you and I made a deal yesterday. Didn’t we?”

“We did.” You said slowly. “But⏤”

“Darlin’⏤”

“In my defense, I can’t just quit work. I respect Henry too much. I have to at least give him a two weeks notice so he can find a replacement.” You argued. Even if Henry wasn’t someone you considered family you’d still feel obliged to quit the correct way. Still, maybe that was something you should’ve mentioned yesterday before the two of you parted ways. “Sorry, Joel.”

He let out a small sigh. “There’s no need to be sorry. I understand. You’re too responsible for your own good.” You chuckled. “But the bus? The bus?”

You had to resist the urge to laugh at how insulted he was at the prospect of you on public transportation. You glanced over your shoulder out the window to see how far from work you were. “Well, ubers and taxis are so expensive from my house to the bakery. Plus, I have a bus card!”

“Bus card?” Joel repeated. His incredulous voice took an amused tone. “Sugar, you got daddy’s credit card.” Your eyes widened and you felt your entire face burn as heat filled your cheeks. As if somebody would be listening in, you glanced around at the people sitting near you. Joel chuckled, the sound low and deep, “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?”

“I, uh, I⏤ That’s a good point.” You cleared your throat. “It felt silly using the card for something like an Uber or taxi though. You know?”

“Nothin’ is too silly. I want you to use that card. All the time. Understand?”

“I understand.”

“I understand…” Joel repeated with enunciation at the end. Waiting for something. Waiting for…

“I’m on the bus.” You whispered into the phone, in shock, while covering your mouth.

Joel hummed. “Oh, I know. Now. I understand…”

You chewed on your lower lip, glanced around, then whispered into the phone quickly, “I understand, daddy.”

“Sorry, sugar. Couldn’t quite hear you there. Must be because of how loud and hectic that bus is.”

Your lips curled up into a broad grin as your face continued to burn. He cleared his throat to urge you on, and you shook your head with a slight chuckle. You blew out an amused breath and repeated yourself. “Yes. I understand, daddy.” 

An older woman sitting to your left shot you a curious glance and you sunk in your seat, and turned toward the window to laugh. You could hear Joel’s breathy laugh over the line as well. Joel spoke up, “That’s better. As for this transport problem,” You rolled your eyes still grinning, “Can you drive?”

“Well, yeah.” You replied and the smile fell as a thought occurred to you. “That is not a reason to buy me a car.”

“Wow, you really think I’d buy you a car right out the gate like that?”

“Oh. Right. Sorry. I⏤” You paused then shook your head. “Wait, no, actually I do. I do think you’d do that.”

“You’re right. I would. You got a preference, sugar?”

“Please do not buy me a car.” You blurted. “I… I really don’t like driving around this city. Last time I even got behind a wheel was over two years ago.”

“Fine. No car. I’m gettin’ you a driver then.”

“That still feels excessive.” You replied hesitantly.

“Do it for me then? I’d feel more comfortable knowin’ you’re not ridin’ around with strangers.”

The words were spoken with kindness, actual concern, and a part of you wondered if he was saying what he was because it was expected of him? The deal was for him to take care of you and keeping you safe could arguably fall under that umbrella of responsibilities. You just found it hard to believe he’d care out of the goodness of his heart considering how little time you had spent with one another thus far. It wasn’t a criticism of him at all. Maybe he was just that kind deep down, maybe he did have a bleeding heart. It was the process of trying to apply that thought, those concerns, to yourself that felt silly. At the end of the day, that voice of anxiety just couldn’t fathom a near stranger actually worrying over your well being with no ulterior motive of their own.

Joel said your name over the line, snapping you out of your line of thought, and you forced your smile to return. It wasn’t hard to find. “Alright. For you.”

“Good.” He blew out a breath of what almost sounded like relief. “What time does your shift end?”

“It’s Sunday so I usually close up the shop around 5:30, then pack away all the leftovers to take to the shelter a few blocks away.” You replied. Anytime the shop had any leftovers, which was happening more and more, Henry would donate the goods to the local shelters and kitchens rather than toss it. 

“I’ll have my guy there around 5 then. I don’t want you waitin’ on him.”

“Yeah, but now he’ll have to wait on me.”

“I know. That’s the point, darlin’.”

You couldn’t decide which you liked more. Joel calling you ‘sugar’ or ‘darlin’. Then again the sound of your name was equally as intoxicating. Honestly, it wasn’t fair how good his voice sounded in general. The bus peeled off to the side to come to a stop and you hiked your bag up your shoulder to get off.

“I’m at my stop.”

“Say good-bye to the bus. You ain’t ridin’ on it again as far as I’m concerned.” You chuckled and as you walked off you couldn’t help but glanced back at the familiar people you had gotten used to seeing so often. You mentally wished them a farewell. It was cheesy, but it nearly felt like the end of an era. Joel spoke again as you stepped onto the busy sidewalk. “And remember, my guy is pickin’ you up today. No ubers. No taxis. No buses.”

“I know, I know. I promise I won’t make a run for it.”

“Good girl.” Joel chuckled and your face immediately went warm once more. A habit you were beginning to pick up around this man. Joel said quick good-byes, saying he needed to help someone out on site and promised to text you later. You echoed his sentiments and tucked the phone away after hanging up. Wow, okay, it seemed hearing him call you ‘good girl’ won in a fucking landslide.

As it turned out, Henry had come in early to bake for the day, but left it open for you to set out as he hadn’t been feeling well and had to leave before you even got the shop fully open. It was incredibly poor timing because you planned to announce your two week’s notice to him and that seemed like a dick move to do while he was sick. Tomorrow. You’d try again tomorrow. No big deal. What would a one day difference make? 

The bakery always had it’s busiest days on Sunday, weirdly, but still it was nowhere near the kind of traffic this place truly needed. Usually days where it ended up being you alone were even more painfully boring, but today had been, well, fun. Joel continued to text you through the day and the conversation was a decent distraction from the dichotomy of doing nothing between customers. Plus, without Henry there, you didn’t even have to pretend like you weren’t playing on your phone the entire time. 

The last hour of your shift had gone by without Joel as a distraction because of a meeting. One he had grumbled about twenty minutes prior to it. You were in the process of packing items away when you noticed a black SUV sitting outside on the side of the road. Pausing in your work, you ran your hand down your apron and made your way out of the shop and toward it. You had just planned to tap on the window to get his attention, but you were barely halfway to the SUV when the man behind the driver’s seat jumped out and hurried around with a nod.

“Ma’am.”

“Hi.” You gave a small wave. “I’m⏤”

The blond man blurted your name out with a nod. Of course he knew who you were. “Is there anything I can do to help you, Miss?”

“No, no. I wanted to invite you in! It’ll be a minute before I’m done.”

“It’s alright⏤”

“I insist.” You said firmly. He hesitated once more before going to turn the car off. He was older than you, if you had to guess, and he wore a clean, black suit and a pair of dark aviators over his eyes. If he had a little radio in his ear you’d have him pegged as some kind of secret service guard. “What’s your name?”

“Riley Talbot, ma’am.”

You motioned for him to take a seat at one of the tables with a smile. “Well, Mr. Talbot, you have a muffin preference?”

“Just Riley is fine, and you don’t have to⏤”

“Either you tell me your muffin preference or I’m gonna pick at random, Riley.” You replied then ran through the options you had today. Riley hesitantly told you his preference for the banana nut option and you brought it over for him on a small plate. The man took his sunglasses off, tucking them into his inner suit pocket, and you took note of his very blue eyes. “How long have you worked for, Joel?”

Riley shrugged. “I’ve been working for Mr. Miller for the last five years.”

Your eyes widened in surprise. Five years as a driver for Joel? You couldn’t imagine Joel using a driver. The man who preferred flannels over suits seemed like the kind who was adamant about driving himself. Plus, this wasn’t the person who had picked you up yesterday. How many did he have?

“Well, give me a second here and we can head out. I just gotta finish packing up today’s leftovers.”

“Please, take your time.” Riley nodded then motioned to the muffin. “And thank you.”

You left him to enjoy his snack in peace so you could go back to cleaning out the display stand. It was repetitive, simple work that you had gotten very used to doing mindlessly over the years. You were on the last row of cookies when your phone buzzed in your back pocket. Pulling it out you saw it was a text from Joel.

‘Did Riley show up?’

‘Yupp. He’s in the bakery eating a muffin right now.’

‘You didn’t need to feed him, sugar.’

‘Too late. Besides, that’s one less muffin for me to carry now.’

‘Put it on my tab.’

You rolled your eyes, as if a singular banana nut muffin was of significant cost, ‘Shouldn’t you be focusing on your meeting?’

There was a longer pause before you got a response.

‘Touche’

You chuckled under your breath and tucked the phone away once more. After stacking a few of the boxes on top of one another, you shrugged out of your apron to hang it back up on the wall. Riley had risen from his seat and you took the plate from him before he could argue otherwise. You gave it a quick wash before setting it away to dry for the night and when you returned Riley was still standing by the boxes of baked goods.

“I’m almost done. I’m gonna carry these down to the shelter.”

“I’ll help.” Riley replied.

“You don’t have to do that⏤”

Riley gave you a friendly smile. “It’s my pleasure. Mr. Miller was adamant about me helping out where I could.”

Knowing arguing was only going to stretch this process out you nodded and he took half the boxes. At least this would save you a second trip. As the two of you made your way down the street you learned that he was older than you, in his mid thirties, and he had been in the Marines before picking up work with Joel. It was actually through Riley that you learned Joel had a brother who had also been in the military as well. You’d have to ask him about that.

“I’ve been saving to buy a ring.” Riley shrugged as you both got onto the topic of relationships while on your way back from dropping off the boxes.

“If your girlfriend is as sweet as you claim I’m sure she’d be charmed by anything you got her.” You argued. “And how long have the two of you been dating?”

“Three years next month.”

“Aw, congrats!” You chirped. 

Riley continued to gush about his girlfriend and how she worked as a kindergarten teacher. The way his voice held so much love for the woman he bragged about to you made your heart ache. You had always thought this was how your last relationship would look like. You and your ex-boyfriend had been on a similar path after all. When he broke up with you six months ago, the two of you had been weeks away from your three year anniversary. For the longest time, he had been the one you thought you’d be marrying.

And here you were today with a sugar daddy on speed dial.

Funny how life worked.

“Let me grab my stuff and lock up and I’ll be right back out.” You said and Riley agreed with a nod before heading to the SUV himself. Maybe you’d text Nima and see if she was busy tonight. It had been a long time since you thought about your ex and letting him slip back into your head had been a dumb move on your part.

Once out, Riley held the back door of the SUV open for you to slide into. He asked for your address which you provided before settling back in your seat. The radio played a soft tune, you couldn’t hear the roaring of the roads outside, the air smelled clean, and you had ample space to stretch out. This was a far cry from the bus. Nima texted you back, answering your request for drinks tonight, but she had to turn it down because she had a date. Though she did follow it up to ask if you were feeling well and that she’d bail if you needed a girls’ night. You smiled at her words, but reassured her that everything was fine.

‘Hang out with your daddy! 🤪’

Despite the teasing nature of her text, she may have been onto something. Riley was getting closer to your apartment complex and you leaned forward a bit. “Hey, Riley?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you know what time Joel usually gets off of work?”

“It depends. I think he mentioned today he was gonna be working late. That’s why he sent me instead of coming to get you himself.”

Your eyes widened in surprise. It hadn’t dawned on you that Joel wanted to be the one to pick you up and just hadn’t been able to due to his own work. Still, that shot your back up plan in the face. That was probably for the best. You didn’t want to come across as clingy. Though, maybe you were supposed to? Joel said there was no social quota for you to meet, but you doubted the validity of that.

“Thanks, Riley!” You said after exchanging numbers with him and climbing out of the SUV. 

Your apartment was nothing to write home about, but it could be worse. It was a simple one bed, one bath on the fifth floor of a complex that had technically seen better days. However, despite the age and general weariness of the building itself, the residents you lived beside were nice, the owner actually cared about the people renting from him, and security was decent. More so than the other places in this area.

After dropping your stuff down and tossing your keys into the bowl near your front door, you pulled out your phone to see you had missed a text from a few minutes ago. ‘You home?’ Quickly, you responded with a positive and thanked him again for sending Riley to pick you up. ‘Good. Don’t thank me, sugar’.

You rolled your eyes. If he really thought you were going to accept things without thanking him he was dead wrong. Hell, you were struggling with the ‘accepting things’ part which was hilarious considering you had chosen and agreed to this deal with full knowledge of what that meant. You set down your phone to clean the work day off of your skin.

A few hours had passed, where you showered, changed into home clothes, ate, and then settled on the couch with a large glass of wine. Despite it only being close to nine you were almost considering chugging the remainder of the wine in your glass and calling it a night. You had work in the morning after all. As you brought the glass to your lips, your phone buzzed off to the side. 

The text was from Joel. It was simple, and honestly hilarious to see.

‘You up?’

Your cheeks warmed and you wondered if he knew the connotations of texting a woman that message with no warning at night. 

‘Yes lol I am up’

‘Can I call?’

Your eyes widened in surprise at the request. You took another rather large sip of your wine before setting it down on your coffee table and responding to him. The affirmative text hadn’t been sent longer than a few seconds when his name flashed across your screen. You had gotten used to mostly texting the people in your life rather than phone calls. This would take some getting used to. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, sugar.” Joel breathed. “Sorry for calling late.”

“It’s hardly late.” You glanced at your clock on the wall. 9:07. “Are you just getting home from work? Riley said you’d be stuck there late.”

“Yeah. Unfortunately. Every once in a while I’m stuck in the office all day like this. At least I got to be on site this mornin’.” He groaned.

It sounded like he was pouring something on his end of the line. You commented on it, “Are you making yourself a drink?”

“Mhmm.” Joel took a sip of whatever it was he had poured, you could hear him swallow and made your throat dry up. “That alright?”

“Hey, I’m on my second glass of wine so I can hardly judge.”

“Second? You have a long day, sugar?” He asked in concern. Again, the sound of it caught you off guard. You could count on one hand the number of people who showed you genuine concern in the last two years. “Everythin’ okay?”

You forced out a chuckle and nodded despite him not being able to see it. “I’m fine.” It was probably a little early to be flooding him with your problems and the history of your ex. Instead, you jumped over it entirely. “I was actually gonna ask if you wanted to get dinner or drinks, but when I asked Riley what time you got off he said you’d be working late.”

“What?” Joel asked in surprise. He grumbled under his breath before speaking up. “Don’t ever let that stop you, darlin’. I always got time for you. Honestly, it would've been a nice surprise and a good excuse to leave early.”

You let out a soft laugh. “I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”

“You better.” Joel grunted as he dropped down into a seat. Another tired sigh left his lips and you opened your mouth to suggest that he get some rest, but he beat you to speaking. “Tell me about your day, sugar.”

“It was pretty boring.” You replied. “You’ve seen how empty the bakery tends to get.”

“So? I still wanna hear. Talk about somethin’ at least. Lemme hear that pretty voice.”

You grinned to yourself. “You think my voice is pretty?”

“I think everythin’ about you is pretty. Now, no more stallin’. Hit me with it.”

If he wanted to hear about your boring day you’d be more than happy to indulge him. His words still caught you off guard though. He liked your voice? It was extra funny considering how much you liked his voice personally. You talked about the few customers you did have today, how thankful the shelter had been for Henry’s leftovers, and getting to know Riley.

“Yeah, Riley is a good guy.” Joel agreed. “Figured the two of you would get along. Plus,” He took another sip of the whiskey he had told you he chose as his drink earlier, “I know he’s head over heels for that girl of his so I didn’ have to worry about him makin’ a move on you.” You laughed at the sentiment and Joel let out a small chuckle himself. “I ain’t kiddin’, sugar. I only just got you to agree to put up with me. I ain’t plannin’ on losing you quite yet.”

 “Put up with you.” You scoffed. “As if I don’t equally enjoy talking to you.”

Joel chuckled in response then cleared his throat. “How’d it go with your boss? How’d he take the news?” Your smile turned sheepish and rather than answer you picked up your wine glass, now at the end of your third, and took a long sip. Joel sighed. “Sugar?”

“Okay, so, hold on.” You blurted. “He was sick today. Henry left like right after coming in to help me open and I didn’t wanna spring the news on him when he already felt so terrible.” You set the wine glass down then buried yourself into the couch under your blanket. “I’m already worried I’m gonna break his heart.” Joel blew out a sigh and you winced. “Sorry.”

“No, no. Don’t.” Joel responded, but it wasn’t sharp or demanding. He just didn’t want to hear you apologize. “I want you to stop workin’ because I think you’d be happier out of that place, but I’m not tryin’ to shove you into quittin’ if you ain’t comfortable with it yet, darlin’. If…” Joel paused. “If you think you need to stay there a little while longer then I’m not gonna guilt you otherwise.”

His words made your lips curl up into a small, soft smile. It wasn’t that you loved your work there by any means, but you did love Henry. He was family. Plus, that small voice of anxiety was still nagging loud enough that you couldn’t quite fully ignore it. This was still so new. What if Joel got to the end of this week and decided you were more annoying than entertaining. You couldn’t just tear up your roots with no guarantee that this life was fully concrete. 

You didn’t know if Joel understood that from the same angle you did, but you did appreciate that he was willing to bend on that topic. “Yeah.” You said quietly then added in a teasing inflection added, “Thanks, daddy.”

Joel chuckled in response, “You’re gonna be the death of me, sugar.”

You remembered a topic you had planned on asking him earlier in the day, and maybe it was the three glasses of wine that had loosened your tongue, but you blurted it out without thinking. “So, hey, I hear you have a brother?” Joel was quiet for a beat and it was only then that sober logic regained control. “I mean, I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to blurt it out like that. Riley mentioned he was in the military and that you had a brother who was too. I didn't mean to pick at a sore topic if⏤”

“No, sugar.” Joel chuckled. “Not a sore topic. Just caught me off guard is all. But, yeah, I got a baby brother. Tommy.” Tommy Miller. You tucked the information away in the folder of facts you were learning about Joel. “He was in the Army for a while, but left a long time ago. He actually works with me now at the company. Was with me when we went from small time contractors to whatever the hell we are now.”

“Big deals.” You joked. “If your fancy building is anything to go by.”

“Guess so by someone’s definition.” Joel snorted. You liked that he still felt so grounded and to the earth. It had been part of the reason his proposition caught you off guard because after meeting him you never would’ve suspected him to be the kind who owned a large and very rich company.

“You’re not mad that Riley told me that, are you?” You asked. “Because if you are, I'll admit to wrestling the information out of him.” 

Joel laughed. “I ain’t mad, darlin’. Like I said, I’m glad the two of you get along. You’re stuck with him now.” You hummed in confusion and Joel added. “He’s your driver. Anywhere you need to go, any time, just call him.”

“Wait, seriously?” You cried.

“I told you I ain’t letting you get on a bus again.” Joel replied like he was still appalled you had done so this morning. “And since you won’t let me buy you a car…”

“Fine, fine, fine.” You blurted and he let out a soft laugh. A beat of silence stretched between the two of you, but it was a comfortable one. The kind where you just enjoyed knowing he was on the other end of the call even if he wasn’t actively speaking. 

You accidentally let out a small yawn and Joel hummed. “You need to get to bed.”

“Nuh uh.” You replied. “It’s only…” You found the clock and your eyes widened. 12:01. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh. I’ve kept you up long enough, sugar.”

“I’m not even tired.” You whined and rose to your feet. The stiff movements made you realize how close you had been to just passing out on the couch. 

“Sure, you ain’t.”

You meandered to your bedroom, flipping out lights as you went, and shut your bedroom door. “Will we talk again tomorrow?”

“You mean later today?” Joel joked.

You chuckled. “Yes.” It didn’t even matter to you that you may have sounded needy. Being on the phone had not only been fun, but it had been just what you needed to settle the turmoil you had accidentally scourged up earlier. “So?”

“Course, sugar. I’ll text you on your way to work. Riley’ll be there at 6:30 to pick you up.”

“Alright. Night, Joel.” You replied sincerely. “Thanks for talking to me.”

Joel hummed and you could hear him moving around on his end as well. “Should be thanking you.” He added quickly, a tinge or nervousness seeping into his voice. “Hey, do you wanna, uh, you wanna plan for dinner?” Your eyes widened marginally but your lips spread out into another warm and wide grin. “I got a few more busy days, but this Wednesday I’ll be free all evening. Wanna make a night of it?”

“Yes!” You answered much faster than you had initially planned. There went being cool and collected. Joel chuckled. “I mean, yeah. That would be⏤ That would be fun.”

“Good. Get some sleep, sugar.” Joel replied. You wished him well before the call ended and you were left standing in your bedroom feeling like you were on cloud nine.

taglist:

@weddingfairy @bfences @jasminedragon @biwitchy @huffle-punk @shelbyteller @anoverwhelmingdin @aheadfullofsteverogers @stagerightlauren @basicoccult @rinnfey @boofy1998 @farintonorth @thepascalofus @amatis-gray @casa-boiardi @northernbluess @jettia

[previous][next]

✨J.M. Masterlist✨

[thelonelyshore-if]

I want to request Beck sfw alphabet in case no one else has. I need it for...reasons.

I hope you're doing well, or as well as possible at least.

I'm trying to take it one day at a time; so I'm doing as well as can be expected. I hope you're doing well, too <3

Beck's alphabet below the cut!! I had a lot of fun with this one :3

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Very affectionate, but it's definitely in their own way. They're very teasing and playful, and they tend to show affection by trying to do things together rather than like…being warm and fuzzy. They do also show affection through kissing. Lots of kissing. 

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Beck is a wild friend to have. They're somebody who loves fun and adventure and basically never thinks about consequences. They'd be the friend you go to if you just want to have a good time, but probably not someone you'd talk about your trauma with. And the friendship would start when you do or say something that catches their eye–and they're pretty easy to impress, haha.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Ehhh up to a point. And that point is like. Five-ten minutes. Anything longer than that and they'll get restless and start to fidget. They really don't like feeling trapped in one place for too long. 

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Nope! But he's alright at cleaning and quite good at cooking–baking especially. His go-to strategy to blow off steam in the winter (when it's too cold slash icy to be outside) is to furiously bake until he manages to calm down. 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

It wouldn't be pretty!! Beck is bad with emotions!! He'd be tempted to just ghost you, even after a long term relationship. And even when he did sit down with you to do it he'd be prickly and defensive and try to get it over with as quickly as possible. 

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Not good!! Dating stresses him out enough, marriage sounds impossible. It will take a LOT of character growth for him to even consider something like marriage.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Eh, Beck can be a bit rough around the edges. She doesn't know how to comfort people, especially because she's more of the ‘run away from all my problems’ type. She does try, though. 

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

She's pretty hug neutral. Likes them well enough but doesn't seek them out. Her hugs are typically quick squeezes.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Ahahahaha. Ah. It takes a while. Though I could see her blurting it out without meaning to in a really intense emotional moment. 

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Beck can get pretty jealous. Not as much in a relationship, although it does definitely happen, but especially when they’re crushing and things aren’t official. They’re very clingy–trying to get MC’s attention, trying to be playful and endearing and fun. And they can be a bit catty with the person they’re jealous of.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Hot and fast and wild. Burning. Beck doesn’t do anything slowly and kisses are no exception. They like kissing their way down your torso, and they like being kissed on the neck and shoulders.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Beck’s great with kids! Like a camp counselor, or a little league coach. Not so much like a parent.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Sleep in as late as you can manage. Wake one another up with kisses–or more. Shower together after. Beck makes a big breakfast, unless you’re in a rush to do something–then grab something fast. The only times this would be broken up are days she decides to go for a morning jog. Mornings are probably the time she goes the slowest overall–she isn’t a morning person.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Staying up late doing something fun and entertaining. Motorcycle ride, going out to a bar, bonfire on the beach, ghost hunt in the forest. Never boring, if she can help it. You probably could talk her into getting cozy and watching a movie, but she’d get antsy half way through. Once it’s good and late and she’s exhausted, collapse into bed together. That’s her ideal night, anyway.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Beck claims to be an open book. Beck is a liar. She’s very open about surface-level things, and will openly complain about her (many) grievances with the town, but anything deeper? Her emotions–her feelings for you? That you’ll have to pry out of her with a crowbar.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

They’re quick to anger, quick to cool down. They don’t really hold grudges.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Eh, Beck tries their best. They remember the big stuff–like your birthday–but their mind tends to slip on the details. Especially if they’re distracted when they hear about it in the first place. They’re not the best at retaining that sort of thing.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Looking to the future: Beck’s first date will be an (optional) motorcycle ride, and then a walk along the river.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

VERY VERY VERY Beck will fight literally anyone or anything to keep you safe. They act without thinking, they’ll straight up tackle a monster unarmed to try and protect you. They’re a good shot and scrappy as hell, too, so they stand a chance. On the opposite end, they don’t actually love being protected. It makes them feel weak–like they should have been able to keep themself and you safe.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Beck gets creative with dates–or, as creative as they can in Easthaven. They don’t like doing the same thing twice, and put a lot of effort into keeping things exciting. As for gifts, they aren’t so much the type to agonize over getting you the ‘perfect gift’. More likely they’d buy something on impulse that reminded them of you.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

He’s reckless to the point of self-destruction, terrified of commitment, and would rather die than talk about his feelings. He also isn’t always the best listener. If his mind wanders or he’s distracted while you’re telling him something, there’s a not insignificant chance he’ll forget what you said altogether. 

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Very. Beck knows he’s attractive, he’s proud of that, and he works hard to keep it up. He likes looking good. Likes being desired.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Oh. Hm. This is complicated for them. Not for a long time, I think, but if you managed to get them in a dedicated relationship and they managed to get over some of their commitment issues, then I think they might lean this way, yeah. MC has the potential to become their whole world.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Beck is ambidextrous. Their grandpa was the most important person in the world to them, and they haven’t felt the same since he passed away. They don’t like sweets much but do like soda. In middle school they once accidentally started the science classroom on fire and was suspended for a week.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

I think one thing that would really unsettle Beck is a partner who tries to boss them around. They don’t mind somebody looking out for them–in fact, somebody tempering some of their more unwise decisions would be good for them. They like being challenged. But being treated like a child or a rowdy teenager would be an instant turn-off.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Beck’s somebody who can sleep just about anywhere. They prefer being cozy in bed or on a couch, sure, but they won’t balk at sleeping somewhere strange if it means getting a few hours in.

[mswyrr]

"agatha all along" 1x03 SPOILERS

The way I read the themes of the episodes so far and the symbolism of the official Tarot cards, "Agatha All Along" is about healing the core wound of "the covenless witch." Agatha, the Three of Swords, has been dealt the Death card - now is the time to transform, to grow and change. That will come through walking the Road and committing to this coven -- even if she doesn't mean it, the magic is taking her seriously. She'll either die on the Road or come out part of a coven again.

She's spent centuries emotionally trapped in the moment of her coven/family's betrayal. Centuries running from community, because she learned young how terrifying it can be. A community can become monstrous and cruel. That is the ugly possibility that exists within all communities and relationships, in every way that people come together. So she ran and focused on making herself as powerful as possible, so she never needed anyone, so she could never be made weak and vulnerable again. She learned to treat other people like vending machines to just get stuff out of and move on.

But then Wanda forced Agatha into the position she'd feared so much: weakness, vulnerability, powerlessness, and *dependence* on a community. And what did the people of Westview do?

They were kind to her. When she was their weak, powerless, "crazy" neighbor. They were nice to her during her delusions, or at least not cruel, and many of them actively tired to make sure she was as okay as she could be.

And all of this is why, thematically speaking, I don't think Sharon is permanently dead -- this is fundamentally a story of growth and the spell/temporary death Sharon is under is about the way Agatha tries to force sincerity into exploitation (because exploiting others makes her feel strong instead of weak and receiving sincere kindness, when she's conscious of it, makes her angry/afraid), but there's been kindness there for her the whole time.

I don't think she's going to become a Do-Gooder, I think she'll always be a bit of a rogue and morally not committed to some big idea of Good, but she can grow to be able to allow herself to have people she cares about and the exchange of trust and vulnerability and the growth that makes possible. I think that's what's "in the cards" for her. I'm not sure how far this one season will take her into healing and growth, but certainly I don't think we'll have a cloud like Sharon dying due to her behavior hanging over things in the end. That's not really an appropriate symbol for the kind of journey I think this season is about for her. And everything that happens (or SEEMS to happen) on the Road is, I believe, a test -- in one way or another.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being complicit in my friend's situationship? (NSFW, and sorry, it's long, but at least it's dramatic.)

I had a friend (I will refer to as Kate), who I no longer speak to for reasons unrelated to this scenario. We dated on and off for a couple years and broke up permanently about a year before these events, but remained as roommates. Everyone in the story was in their 20s.

Kate went to a trade school and met a man (I will refer to as Andrew) who flirted with her despite mentioning before that he had a girlfriend. Kate was attracted to Andrew but told him that she wouldn't get involved with him unless he broke up with his girlfriend. He then told her that his girlfriend was distant to the point that they hadn't slept together in years, they basically were just friends that lived together, but she wouldn't let him officially break up with her, and he couldn't afford to move out on his own.

Kate told me about this, sometimes asking what I thought, and though I had some doubts about whether that information was true, I didn't give any real advice in any direction. Obviously I was in a weird situation, but didn't want to discourage her, or she might have thought I was jealous. She wasn't happy when I went on a date during this time. She also accused me of emotionally cheating while we were dating, so I was not about to tell her how to define cheating. That's a whole other story, but I say "accused" bc it basically boiled down to me still being friends with someone I previously had feelings for, and Kate believed I was more attracted to the old friend than her. That remained a sore spot for the whole time we knew each other, although I cut off the old friend a year after Kate and I started dating.

A few months went by, and they spent more time together at the school, and her car, hooking up at both. They never went to his place. He also asked her not to initiate text conversations, in case his girlfriend saw his phone. He came over to our place twice, and both times she texted me out of the room so they could be alone. Kate acted very happy talking about him, occasionally guilty or suspicious, but said she thought she loved him. Her moods fluctuated a lot, as she experiences manic and depressive episodes, and I was trying to comfort her through the bad times.

When they were about to graduate, Kate told Andrew that since they wouldn't see one another at school together anymore, she would stop talking until he broke up with his girlfriend. Then Kate saw his girlfriend show up at their school acting, well, like his girlfriend. So she became suspicious. Andrew also started flirting with another woman at their school, who flirtaciously messaged Kate. Kate thought Andrew was trying to set up a threeway, even after breaking off their situation. This ended with a lot of angry texts to Andrew from Kate, demanding that he tell his girlfriend everything. Andrew claimed he did, and then the conversation ended.

Many months later, Kate doubted Andrew told his girlfriend, so Kate asked me to make a burner account to message her, and I did. She didn't seem to be aware of any of it. At this point, Kate felt that Andrew had exploited her, but as far as I know, all of their interactions were consensual. I think she was trying to deal with her own guilt by leaving all the blame on him, but I never dared to tell her she'd done any wrong here. I also felt complicit in that I probably should have guessed that she was manic during this and given better advice.

I know this was a lot of info, but it could have been a lot longer. I'm just wondering now, a long time later, was ITA for not telling my friend flat out to stop the situation, or that she was doing something wrong?

[sockatoothewafflebird]

MAMA'S GIRL, a petra-centered jesstra fic about sapphic cube people confronting demons. if you're looking for a mcsm jesstra fanfiction about petra learning how to put down her sword when feelings are involved then keep an eye on my ao3 account! it's mot posted yet but the first chapter should be out soon, like, maybe a week?

i do not like doing self promos but i have to. for there is such a small fandom on tumblr, and i must feed the starving dogs. love you guys btw anyway

-Summary-

It's been a year since Jesse, Petra, and the others saved the world for (hopefully) the last time; and four months since the two officially set off into the wilderness as a couple. At first they went wherever their instinct took them. Jesse, however, being one to favor a plan over spontaneity, maps out a route for them for the next few months. Petra doesn't really care where they go, as long as they're together.

Jesse, by some stroke of fate, ends up choosing the one area Petra has spent the entirety of the last ten years trying to avoid. The warrior doesn't protest because, let's face it, she's kind of a simp. And maybe it can be an opportunity for her to get some peace of mind regarding her old life!

So, Petra is forced to face her past. The past she's spent years running away from, the people she wanted so badly to leave behind for good, and the memories she's tried so hard to suppress.

OR;

petra, the most emotionally constipated butch in the world manages to nab a girlfriend, and while they're on a romantic getaway they have to (literally) confront the reason she's so emotionally constipated. and OH BOY, she gets WAY more than just peace of mind.

---

yaaay! yay for cube lesbians!! i also made a playlist for this fic on both spotify and youtube, here's a link to both:

spotify playlist teehee

youtube playlist raagh

whenever i write, i am heavily inspired and motivated by music i listen to! so i tend to incorporate elements of songs into the plot of my stories. it helps me better organize my thoughts, gives me ideas, and just overall is a huge part of my process.

all this to say, all of the songs in these playlists are somewhat related to the plot of the fic! some are more important than others, but if you wanna try and figure out what exactly happens in this fic, or what theme i'm going for, then just listen to the playlist and you'll be alll set :)))

and tell me your thoughts about the playlist if you do decide to listen! my music taste is honestly so bad but i'd love to hear how people think the songs could fit into a possible petra backstory

[stromuprisahat]

When I read SoC,I loved Kaz,Inej,Matthias and Nina(didn't give a fuck about anyone else). However,I was "no,no,no,no" whenever Bardugo insisted Kaz and Inej were 16/17. With some isolated moments,I would be able to believe they were particularly capable,hardened teenagers. However,seeing the whole picture made me unable to buy they were so young. Their power,reputations,mindsets in a crime-filled town. Kaz was 27/28/29 and Inej was 26/27/28 in SoC/CK,according to what Bardugo had shown us. As an adult woman who spent two years being a sex slave and 8 years growing as a criminal and recovering from her trauma while healing from PTSD,Inej is admirable. As a 16 yo girl,it forces my suspension of disbelief. Yes,teens can be clever and wise,but wise and clever for their ages,they're not adults.

As for Kaz,he's emotionally immature,but he seems more like a stunted adult man. Besides,he's basically a crime lord. If Kaz,besides being a prodigy,was the son/protege of a criminal kingpin(instead of a nobody who started from scratch),I could see him having such reputation. But as some rando that got scammed at a young age,lol nope.

Also,the Kanej dynamics would feel more believable if they were grown ups who spent roughly a decade together. Also,there's a lot of comedy fodder for the two young adults having to cat herd a bunch of wildly different teens.

Yes, yes, yes!

(For Kaz's flavour of immaturity, him as crimi-protégé and Kanej's dynamics with quite younger rest of the Crows.)

I didn't notice the first time I was reading, but then again- it went so quickly, I missed much more-, but the two of them should definitely be older.

Kaz had to learn how to survive, built reputation strong enough to be sought after in Ketterdam underworld, climb through the ranks of the Dregs and rebuilt them. Inej isn't his only discovery- he has other people he recruited, for which he'd need to learn about them in the first place and earn their loyalty. None of it should realistically take only a few months. Not without a mentor or influential relative to clear his path for him.

If you'd tell me he's in his early twenties, I'd clap my hands for how quickly he raised so high.

Inej doesn't think, speak or act like a teenager, no matter how mature. This will be one of those moments I'm avoiding, since experience is very subjective to use as a scale, but I've met mature teenagers. They might have their priorities sorted, they might have heavy responsibilities, they might have their shit together more than any official adult, but there's always something, some aspect in which you'll recognize just how young they are. Inej haven't made me feel that way once.

She's wise for her age, but she's believably wise for mid-twenties.

The way they're comfortable around each other would make me guess some five years for sure. They might cooperate closely now, but first of all- I doubt Kaz would simply let anyone so close after a few weeks. Even with her valuable skills, I think Inej would need time to "worm" her way into his confidence. Second- they're NOT friends. Friendships are built on what you have in common, and I highly doubt Kaz is willing to share his past or feelings with anyone out of his own free will. Their relationship looks more like something, where Inej grew to trust him and opened up little by little, and AFTER SOME TIME managed to notice and figure out bits and pieces about him. Even ordinary co-workers bond by talking about their daily life. Kaz and Inej shouldn't have that. At least their first year or two.

It might be mostly that emotional maturity, but I'd guess Inej a bit older than Kaz.

[rainbowsky]

Привет, Sky! Снова спасибо за твой блог, обожаю тебя. Смотрела очередное выступление Сяо Чжаня и думала о том, что у него, и еще у некоторых певцов/актеров много песен о любви, но сами они не имеют отношений официально, и иногда даже фанаты не знаю о каких-либо отношениях в принципе, как будто их никогда и не было. При этом они так эмоционально и трогательно исполняют песни о любви. Ок, про Сяо Чжаня всё понятно :) Но я задумалась может ли действительно человек, не имевший отношения, любовь, чувства и не пройдя весь этот путь в связи с другим человеком - петь о любви и понимать о чем он поет и как это выглядит в глазах других. Что ты думаешь об этом?

Translation:

Hi Sky! Thanks again for your blog, I love you. I was watching Xiao Zhan's latest performance and was thinking that he and some other singers/actors have a lot of love songs, but they themselves are not officially in a relationship, and sometimes even fans don't know about any relationship at all, as if they never existed. At the same time, they perform love songs so emotionally and touchingly. Ok, everything is clear about Xiao Zhan :) But I wondered if a person who has never had a relationship, love, feelings and has not gone through this whole path in connection with another person can really sing about love and understand what he is singing about and how it looks in the eyes of others. What do you think about this?

Hi retrojen, thanks so much, I'm glad you're enjoying my blog! 🥰

I don't believe that someone has to have experienced romantic love to give a beautiful, deeply compelling performance of a romantic song - no more than someone has to be religious to put a lot of power into a hymn, or need to have lost a loved one in order to put a lot of pathos into a song about grief. Art is about creation, and about tapping into the human experience.

One of the most beautiful aspects of humanity is the empathy that we often have for one another. If we are compassionate and open, and if we are creative spirits who seek to understand the world around us, we can tap into each other's experiences and feelings. We do not have to have experienced them firsthand to have a sense of them, or to share in another person's joy or pain (of course we can't live what we haven't experienced, but we can tap into an awful lot just by being open to it).

And our emotional experiences can also be a reflection of what is missing in our lives just as much as they can be a reflection of what we have in our hearts.

For example, someone does not have to have experienced a deep romantic love to be able to tap into a longing for love. Someone doesn't have to have a spiritual belief in order to experience spiritual anguish or need for greater meaning in their life. All of these emotional experiences can lead to incredibly powerful artistic expressions. Especially for performers and actors whose calling in life is to present a glimpse of human experience they might not have had themselves.

And we know that both GG and DD have experienced loss and hardship in their lives. DD spent his entire youth away from his family in another country, GG's grandfather passed away just a few years ago. There are no doubt a lot of other experiences we don't know about (and that are probably none of our business). Heck, just being a queer person in a country that is increasingly hostile to that is hardship enough.

Both GG and DD have talked about how they have a taste for sad and very emotional love songs. I think that is just a natural extension of any creative, sensitive, open-hearted person's taste for the human experience. Those kinds of songs speak to us because our hearts are open to the full scope of human emotion. Sweet songs don't always carry the same emotional intensity as sad ones, nor can they dig into our depths the way that sad ones can.

So no, I don't think that anyone needs to have experienced romantic love to be able to tap into those emotional depths and bring a powerful performance of a love song.

Having said that, you and I both know that GG and DD do have that deep romantic experience. Let's be real. 😅

I talked about GG and DD's creative and sensitive personalities in this post.

I commented on a similar topic related to aeroace people writing about love and sex a while back. You can find that post here.

I also talked about something similar in my post about queerbaiting, which you can find here.

[blueberrypancakesworld]

Lessons for the last castellan

Ramón Salazar x fem!teacher reader

warning : fluff, hurt/comfort, kiss, little emotional

Summary : Every nobleman had to follow the etiquette of rules and this also applied to the latest Kastelan Ramón Salazar. What the aristocrat didn't know was that it was a teacher who would come to his castle at his age. A lord who had to restrain himself to learn and a teacher who saw more than potential in a gnome was almost the beginning of a fairy tale.

info : Ramón even though it's the first of November and winter isn't quite here yet I thought why not something a little more emotionally fluffy, so enjoy the read :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the age of twenty, according to the official law, everything belonged to him. After the death of his parents in the tragedy, he was the eighth and currently last Salazar in Spain.

A nightmare for some other families, but for the young lord something that brought him status and influence, an influence that compensated for many other things he did not have.

Although he had already inherited all the lands and the castle with the death of his last blood and had been Lord Salazar from a young age, up to this point no one had told him anything, let alone told him what to do.

From the morning he applied the pink lip rouge, hoping to cover his own shame and resemble his early ancestors, to the day he spent his time strategising and building and the night his gaze lingered long in the fireplace.

What he didn't realise, however, was the letter that was brought to his castle one autumn day, ,,From the estate of your honourable father my lord" the servant had told him when he opened the letter and recognised the black writing as that of his father.

His shouted command chased the older man out as instead of words of goodwill, apologies and fatherly care he found only an order.

A visit that would come to him to carry out the office of castellan with honour, full of grace and wisdom, he was to rule for as long as he lived…a bad joke, as Ramón thought, who didn't need to look in the mirror to know how long he had left, ,,Liar…my own blood is laced with lies!" he hissed, crumpled up the paper before throwing it into the fireplace and letting himself fall almost powerlessly into the armchair.

A heavy sigh fell from his lips as he realised that despite the death of his parents he would never escape them, ,,Even in death you wish you had power over me father" Salazar muttered bitterly and closed his eyes exhausted as the pain of his fragile existence and the rage was too much for him. Even as a lord, the ghosts of the past were never calm, something was never going to change.

The time of waiting seemed to kill the young man even faster than it already was, the application of his make-up in the morning became more and more shaky as the date of the teacher's arrival approached.

His shouts and orders became louder when something didn't work and the fire in the fireplace was only kept alive by him with scorched speeches.

And at the end of the day he locked himself away alone with the decades-old wine, tears blurring his make-up. Pictures of his father thrown in the corner shared places with his beloved mother which he pulled out again full of shame and he decided to do it differently.

,,I'm the new lord so I'll do the greeting how I want" he decided at the end of the night and gave the picture of his parents one last contemptuous yet loving look before closing his eyes and hoping for a good reunion.

Waiting in the main hall on the balcony, he looked down when he saw the person wrapped in a cloak enter, his few servants already taking care of the luggage and preparing the classroom, ,,Welcome to my castle, I am Ramón Salazar eighth castelan of this estate and all the lands standing around," he announced, looking down as the person took off the hood of the cloak.

Not an older man stood there with bad posture and yellowish teeth, not even a lad or anything else to his surprise a young woman stood there with a slight smile on her lips she looked up at him, ,,A pleasure to meet you my lord…pity you are not facing me for a proper introduction" she said.

Ramón instantly felt the shame and anger flush his cheeks and he was grateful for the make-up applied. As a Castellan, I am above her…and yet she is right, he thought and retreated from the stone mamoor railing to walk down the stairs to her.

The closer he got to her the more nervous he became, a fact that bothered him, he had no reason and yet as he stood opposite her he bowed lower than he had intended because when he saw her satisfied smile he felt the brief pride in himself.

He had done something right and had been recognised for it…and maybe it was the first time someone had looked at him for more than a few seconds without looking instantly disgusted…maybe she was actually quite nice he dared to think as he held out his hand to her.

,,How pleasant and courteous Ramón" she praised him, her smile was satisfying and he could feel the warmth on his cheeks but not out of anger but perhaps out of something in his heart.

The lessons consisted of hardly anything new that he didn't know besides normal subjects like maths, physics, history he put special emphasis on family history to write down everything meticulously for her, ,,If the extent itself is too much for you, my library is at your disposal until the time of my first forefear…my dear Miss" he bowed slightly and smiled when he saw the small brooch with the blue rose on her simple black dress, one of his favourite flowers which she had learned in a meal with him.

As annoyed as he had been with her in the first few weeks, he had to admit that her intelligence and almost cheekiness amused him, ,,My dear miss, flattery won't get you anywhere, besides, the library is asking for heaven on this subject my dear Ramón" she returned and a quick rattle of her keychain reminded him that she already had access to almost everything in the castle.

The subject was more of a reminder from the lord to give him something harder next time, something that would challenge him and not mother him, a thought that also made him angry.

For a few weeks, which soon turned into several months, she was something like a point of calm, this something in reality that reminded him that his family was history and nothing more and that she was the only thing that kept him here and didn't make him go crazy.

Because his thoughts might have been calmed too often between the hatred of his family and his blood by her lovely existence. Something she probably saw in his gaze and held her next to him, ,,If you like, I would like to have another meal together… and perhaps a private conversation in your chambers," she said.

Watching him successfully as the expression of distaste on his face disappeared and he resumed the posture he had learnt, kissing the back of her hand briefly and letting her go with a ,,I will gladly accept the audience, once again my being is yours" and he heard the opening and closing of the large wooden door which gave a soft creak as he remained.

Alone in the room and felt the warmth of her hand on his cool hand, the voice of his parents fell silent and the two of them only listened for a moment. A moment in which he had only himself and her.

But the warmth she radiated, the blush on her cheeks and the grin she gave him when his lips kissed her hand had enchanted him. A rapture that didn't diminish until the moment he had dressed himself up and set a few cakes on the table in his room and a few books on his favourite subjects in history, knowing that she was just waiting for him to make a mistake and they would both go to the library together to look for the solution.

Before there was a knock at his door and he opened it for her the gold buttons of his tails flashed to match her earrings which he gave her as a present for the first month, ,,A pleasure to have you here" he said as she entered to make room for her before he closed the door and sat down on the couch with her.

She looked at the table and the sideboard and seemed pleased with it and a sigh escaped her as she savoured the freshly brewed tea that had been poured into the fine porcelain cup, ,,A pleasure to enjoy this," she said and they both smiled, a smile that didn't leave either of them until the moment she found his ancestor in the books, his exact chapter and that of his parents.

Ramón was so absorbed in reading about the Napoleonic wars that he only looked up from the book when he saw her pause in her reading…she had seen the image of him in black and white in his first form, as an ugly child, misshapen and more dead than alive, ,,Don't look at it!" he cried out, knocking the book from her hands.

Ramón clutching her hands painfully, his name on her lips and she saw it clearly, the other side the hate-filled death side, ,,Never look at me like that again!" he screamed and she saw in the mirror her fearful look, fear, hate and disgust were the emotions he was always met with…it didn't have to be like this.

She shook her head slowly, a look of fear turning to understanding and pity as she saw the tears threatening to blur the white make-up, ,,I won't…Ramòn, look at me, what is it that you see?’ she said slowly, moving her head closer to his, the two of them almost touching.

She saw exactly how he paused she looked at the ghosts of his parents the voices of hate and dislike shouted at him and he shook his head slightly before he gave a cautious, ,,A-Accept and...love?" and held her hands more gently.

She placed her hands on his cheek and nodded, ,,Yes…that's right no bad image only the truth you see with me is important" she reminded him, giving him what she really thought and showing him what she thought of him as she pointed to her reports which he took and left.

Touched by every hour that made him smile and love her words were honest, encouraging him to keep going but most of all her own affection that increased whenever she saw the honourable lord and not that other past mistaken side.

,,It's the truth" he said softly and she nodded in agreement before stroking his cheek the white stained her hand too before pulling him into a gentle kiss, the first kiss of love for real love since his parents’ marriage since the moment before his birth.

Love as she heard his relieved shaky sigh she herself felt the joy in her rapidly cupping heart as she realised that Ramón's father had been wrong, his son the eighth castellan was greater than he would ever be he had a heart and he was capable of loving in his own special way.

It was the moment when Salazar Ramón had the hope that he could truly become the eighth lord who overcame all others with hope and love instead of hostility and hatred in his heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@lovesick-on-the-loose , @goldenponcho , @ramontism , @xgrisleyx

@trash-flowerss

[helliskylux]

Okay Naruto and Sasuke has officially broken me in terms of MLM ships. I keep forgetting that Naruto is a motherfucking outlier and not the base model.

WELL it may not look like it, but SNS is not even my OTP in naruto. I'm a sasuke-did-nothing-wrong-he-has-nothing-to-apologize through and and through. I recognize that sasuke and naruto are both right and wrong at the same time. A polarizing extremes of ideas. In an idealized story, they would have met in the middle and we should not have to sacrifice all of Sasuke's development just so we can get the "idealized" ending. (which, given boruto's state right now, makes it even more obvious that Sasuke's revolution was need) BUT BUT BUT THIS PARAGRAPH SHOULD BE A STORY FOR ANOTHER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP JEN.

Okay so I do ship sns but it's not my end all be all. BUT BUT BUT even with the above, i still recognize that at the end of the day at least Sasuke still has Naruto despite it all. I mean sure he has Sakura and Sarada. But Naruto tried to understand him. The end game given to him was awful in my honest opinion, but at the very least my point is even I didn't agree with the ending given to him. At least the guy who spent 6 months with him as "friends" and then 4 years chasing him around, has given him as much love and devotion as a shounen series is allowed???

There was something deeply unsatisfying with the Naruto ending. (filled with hypocrisy and back tracking in terms of a lot of people's development) and it stayed me. So I was kinda done with shounen you know.

but boredom is a sin and I watch jjk with bf and even if I was aware of the fandom and sugusato. And yes the bond that they had was amazing and deep. But I just couldn't be on board with it. It wasn't a ride or die situation, you know. So yeah I do like to throw my favorite characters on the nearest dick but no actual TRUE otp you know.

I found myself "You know if Gojo was just given a mere 10% of Naruto's simping powers towards Sasuke for Geto, we wouldn't be here at all."

And damn that got me thinking. It's just that Naruto is just so absolutely FUCKING UNHINGED AND OBSESSED WITH SASUKE UCHIHA. Man had panic attacks of the thought of him dying. HE POSTPONED HIS DREAMS FOR HIM.

Like of course all other shounen mlm ships would look subpar if you compare it to him. LOOK AT HIM. >_> jeez. He's embarrassing.

Like the only ones I can compare naruto to are danmei couples but those are CANON ships. JEEZ. Naruto. look at you. Look at yourself

Naruto and Sasuke can never escape these gay allegations.

ETA: Okay so this was brought on, because I read about Yuji and Megumi mirroring Gojo and Geto. But I was trying to dig. (Because I ship because I'm a dog and it's hot, but I don't ship it ship it??? like I'm not emotionally invested in it. BUT boy oh boy the 263 came out and I was like. "Oh yeah I get it." But then I was comparing it to SNS again. AND I had to fucking hit myself. BECAUSE OF COURSE Yuji itadori is not as feral as Naruto as to Sasuke.

[poetry-protest-pornography]

Grief is a strange thing.

Someone really important to me died yesterday, and for me, mourning for him inevitably becomes mourning all the people I've ever lost, the pain just compounding until each loss feels magnified beyond comprehension.

Mourning him becomes mourning the actual loss, but also all the missed chances to connect, the plans we half made, the distance between now and the last time we spoke, and all the years that it's been since I got to hug him.

Mourning becomes guilt.

Of the three men I've ever thought about the potential of a future with, he was the second. We spent the majority of my mid to late teen years talking for hours several nights a week. We didn't officially date, but we were emotionally committed to each other, and for those years, there was no one else for either of us.

Eventually, the into-early-morning conversations were less frequent, and he met someone wonderful, and then I did, and we settled into the same easy friendship we’d always had, but relied on each other less and less, until we really only spoke a few times a year. And I never stopped loving him in all the time since, and I know he loved me, too, and it was the kind of love that sinks into you when you make space for someone, and let that space stay long enough that it carves into you but doesn't take anything away from you.

And so I'm hurting for that little piece of me that will always be shaped like hours long talks and years spent thinking maybe and him and the kind of friendship that starts and doesn't stop just because it changes, or because you take up less time in each other's lives.

And I'm hurting for his wife, who made him so happy, and his family who he loved even when it wasn't easy, and I'm hurting for him, who is gone and whose absence makes the world a little less beautiful.

And I'm morning a little for the friend I lost late last year, and my friend who was older than me but also my little brother who's yarzheit passed two months ago, and my grandfather, who's yarzheit just passed, and my father, who never really leaves my thoughts, and it's all happening at once, so I'm hurting for all the time between now and the last time I got to hug any of them, and all the plans we half made, and all the moments we missed out on connecting, and it's all so much to feel at once and still move through the world. And grief becomes guilt, and I'm so accustomed to feeling guilty that it all gets wrapped up around me in a way that's hard to distinguish from my base state of being, so it all lasts for so long.

Grief is a strange thing, and I'm writing this all out (fully crying in a waiting room) intending to ask for a little grace while I find my equilibrium, and for you to all be a little kinder to yourselves and to the people you love, and I'm realizing that these are things I can do, too. I can give myself grace while I figure out all these big feelings, and I can make sure that I tell the people I love that I love them, and I can try to have less missed chances to hug them.

These people who have left spaces in me didn't leave them empty, they're still there, and I know that they wouldn't want me to drown in this. I can do it for them, until I can do it for me. I can untangle all the overlapping hurts, I just need to give myself time and space to feel it first.

I'm sorry for the long ramble, I think I needed to put this somewhere as a reminder of sorts.

If you read this far, please take this hug I've got on hand.

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

[jemshopes]

Missing Memories || Namjin

--Namjin memory loss AU

Namjoon and Seokjin have been best friends since high school, have attended the same university and spent three years living together afterwards, only getting their own apartments two years ago when Namjoon got into a serious relationship. The relationship ended five months ago and Namjoon has been a bit of a mess since then, has stayed over at Seokjin's apartment most nights and let Seokjin make him laugh and let Seokjin hold him when he cries and let Seokjin tell him how his ex-boyfriend sucked and Namjoon deserves so much better. 

They're tipsy and it's late at night when Seokjin tells Namjoon that he's in love with him. It's the wrong moment to say something like that. Namjoon is still mourning his last relationship. He has no words to respond and he's drunk and he doesn't know what else to do but leave to try and process his emotions alone. Seokjin's decision to tell him at that moment in time was the wrong one, but Namjoon's decision to leave is also wrong. If he had stayed then he wouldn't have gotten a call saying Seokjin was in the hospital because he had been hit by a car less than two blocks from Namjoon's apartment. Namjoon wouldn't be sitting beside his hospital bed right now, staring at his friend's bruised and battered face, realising he may very well be in love with Seokjin too.

But when Seokjin wakes up the last five years have been wiped from his memories. He wakes up laughing about how the car crash has messed up their plans to travel once university is over, and Namjoon has to tell him they already went travelling. It's been years since they travelled together. It already happened. And university is long over. 

It shakes both of their worlds, Seokjin's memory loss. The doctor's say they're not sure if Seokjin's memories will come back. It will take time and patience and most of all support. If it doesn't distress Seokjin too much, Namjoon should talk to him about things they've done together, memories of times Seokjin no longer remembers. But ultimately all that anyone can do is wait and hope they return. 

Namjoon moves into Seokjin's apartment with him. Not officially, at first, but after several months he decides it's for the best. Seokjin is struggling to work—emotionally. He's working with people who have known him for years and yet he doesn't remember them. Everyone looks at him strangely now, treats him strangely. He hates it. He's living in an apartment he doesn't remember renting or living in. Seokjin doesn't remember finishing his degree. He doesn't remember confessing to Namjoon. He doesn't even remember coming out to Namjoon three years prior. The thought hadn't even crossed Namjoon's mind that Seokjin wouldn't remember coming out to Namjoon until Seokjin approaches him one day and shows him a picture they had taken together that Namjoon had posted on social media. He had captioned it, "two gays spotted in the wild." 

"Did I... did I... tell you?" Seokjin asks quietly. There are tears in his eyes. 

Namjoon nods. He moves over on the couch to let Seokjin sit down. "About three years ago, yeah. I... I didn't even think... you'd forget--I love you. I'm proud of you for telling me. N-now and then."

"Did we date?"

"No. Why?"

"I... I don't know."

There are many things he tells Seokjin. All his favourite memories. He tells him about their terrible time travelling, how they had planned to travel the world for a year after university, but had given up after just three months when they both got atrocious food poisoning in Thailand. They go through what feels like a hundred photographs and videos taken over the years. None of it brings anything back for Seokjin. 

Months pass and Namjoon wants to ask Seokjin if Seokjin has feelings for him, but he's afraid Seokjin's feelings developed somewhere in the five years Seokjin no longer remembers. When asked for advice, Yoongi had told Namjoon it would be best not to ask Seokjin such a loaded question at the moment. Seokjin needs Namjoon's friendship and if Seokjin doesn't remember developing feelings for Namjoon, asking him about it will only make things awkward between them. Give it time. Let Seokjin work out his life again first. 

Jimin had rolled his eyes at this. "Maybe he should just kiss him? Worked for me, didn't it?" 

"You're not helping,'' Yoongi had said, shooing his fiance out of the room. 

Namjoon believes Yoongi's advice is correct, but it's hard sometimes when he's close to Seokjin, not to just give in and take Jimin's. Sometimes all he wants to do when he sees Seokjin smile is kiss him. Even more than that he wants Seokjin to get his memories back. 

Seokjin asks tentatively after six months if Namjoon will go travelling with him again. Seokjin thinks maybe visiting some places where they've already been might help jog his memory. If not it could be the start of creating new memories together. 

Namjoon agrees without hesitation. 

And they travel. They go to Thailand. To Japan. To Germany. Nothing jogs Seokjin's memory, though. By the time they reach France Seokjin has become despondent and so has Namjoon. 

"I think I'm going to give up," Seokjin says to him one evening while they're sitting on the balcony of their hotel room. "I don't want to keep chasing memories I might never get back. I've lost five years of my life. I'd like to live instead of wasting more time on this." 

It upsets Namjoon greatly to hear this. There are so many good times he's had with Seokjin that are only his now. He wants Seokjin to remember their inside jokes and some of the best nights of Namjoon's life. He wants him to remember he loved him once. That he told him so. 

He breaks down there on that balcony and tells Seokjin everything about the night of Seokjin's accident. He tells Seokjin he thinks he loves him too. "I don't want to ruin anything. I want to be your friend, so it's okay if you don't love me. But you did at one point and you never told me when you started feeling that way. We never got the chance to be anything because of the accident. I think you were coming to see me that night because I ran away. But I think I love you too. Or I just love you if you don't love me." 

Seokjin doesn't say anything for a long time after this. He sits quite still and looks down at the streets of Paris. Then he says, "I think I must have fallen in love with you in the years I can't remember. Because I don't remember when, but... I guess even not remembering it didn't stop it. Ever since I woke up in the hospital I've been so confused, but practically the only thing I haven't been confused about is how I feel about you. I think I love you too. That's why I asked if we ever dated because I... I felt things and it didn't make sense..."

"You still loved me even though you didn't remember...?" Namjoon asks faintly.

Seokjin nods, his ears turning red. "Yeah. I did. I do. I... I love you." 

"Th-then I love you too."