#i'm not enough

[versautejugend]

I’m so fucking tired of trying because no matter how hard I try it’s never good enough.

[whatever228sworld]

I Ty myślisz że możesz mnie zranić?

Ziom dorastałam z ojcem nie mając ojca

[got2lovepetals]

In my dreams you want me. In my dreams you tell me you love me. You tell me to stay.

In my dreams I am enough. But I always wake up and you are always gone.

[musingsofuttermadness]

We don’t talk about this Enough

We don’t talk enough about the shame and guilt and disappointment attached to ADHD and other disorders affecting executive function.

The shame of living in messy spaces and not being able to just sweep the fucking floor like everyone else. And not brushing your teeth or hair for days or weeks and eventually having to spend thousands at the dentist and get a buzz cut.

The shame of always running late due to time blindness. And this extending to being late with deadlines at work or school, when in reality you had to take sick days because your brain wouldn’t let you get out of bed.

The shame of having sensory meltdowns because the world is too much, but being seen as having adult temper tantrums.

The guilt of knowing that you have so much you need to do, but you just can’t, no matter how hard you fucking try.

The guilt of knowing you can’t be a typical ‘good friend’ because you’re often inconsistent and even unreliable.

The guilt of knowing the food you’re about to buy is probably going to gather mold at the back of the fridge before getting thrown out; but you have to buy it anyway or you won’t eat.

The disappointment in yourself when you’ve been hyper-sexual for a week and now feel used and dirty and full of regret.

The disappointment you see in the eyes of the people you love when they see you curled up on the couch instead of following through on your plans, or doing the work you need to do, or doing your chores; but not knowing that you’re screaming inside to just do something, anything.

The disappointment of finally feeling like yourself, enjoying new hobbies, and functioning well again; then falling back into executive dysfunction and depression without any warning.

The shame, guilt, and disappointment of being afraid to share this with neurotypical people out of fear they might just say:

“Stop being so lazy” or “stop making excuses” or “but I saw you last week and you were fine”

As a result of silencing these conversations, we continue the vicious cycle and perpetuate our feelings of utter worthlessness; we suffer and we isolate and sometimes we even give up.

We don’t talk about this enough.

I think it’s time we start.

[sortofreflextion]

I know I like to dance because it has never been so difficult for me. Being difficult makes me a good ballerina.

I was a good ballerina.

Yes, I was good at what I did, nothing more than it was never noticed because I had to be good at everything I did, so just that I enjoyed it was overshadowed by pure perfection, perfection that only stayed in my house and outside, outside into a hole, from inside to outside there was never anything more than smiles agreeing to everything, nothing was ever expected from me but promises of a future like the best, after me there was never anything better. Nothing better than her.

Nothing was ever good. It is impossible to maintain perfection.

She at least told me that. She liked things to be disastrous in perfect harmony. One that only I was able to see. And I knew that only I was capable of seeing it because I never felt forced to do so. It was just there. And his presence made me feel more and more alive. I rose up higher than a grand jeté, I rose into the air with thousands of twists and counter-turns that made me vomit pink, blue, yellow, green and red butterflies, I became dizzy in the most tender and innocent way I have ever set foot in this world. Nothing was ever the same in this hole universe. She held me in a way that even she wasn't aware of how much it hurt me every time she let me fall. Not even an injury hurt that much. But they always told me that if there is no blood, the pain is not important. Furthermore, I didn't feel any pain when I jumped again. Everything turns pink when I see you again. Everything turns into summer.

Then I remember why I don't like the summer heat. A strawberry popsicle lasts until the rays hit it and fracture is inevitable. The fall and the sticky drips of summer with the tears it brings become inevitable and present in all the body that still remains on this earth.

Because That's it. A dancer is firm and does not take her feet off the ground, not forever. Always with head held high. Always firm. Always alone about something. And me, I was a good ballerina.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't know why I feel like crying if you're not with me. My birthday was never important, that rules out the fact that I want a party, am I asking too much when I want a hug of yours?

This sounds so human that it makes my chest clench. This is what she would have wanted. For the first time I'm going to jump out alone and say that I prefer to say that; I was just a good dancer.

Della.

Hopefully tomorrow you will still be in my mind and forever and ever I will remember you. This ballet dancer will love you.

[mentallyillastrophelfreak]

It's so hard to focus on writing an essay for English about gender equality when I keep getting confused about what my pronouns really are despite me being born a girl, or when I think of this girl from school and I keep getting this mysterious feeling that I'm supposed to be with her but I'm still so fond of the boy who sits right next to me but he has a gf and everytime I see him with her it pains my heart but I never let myself cry about it, then I'm also daydreaming about jegulus and wonder if I am enough to be someone's lover or am I even capable of being loved and be enough for them and my head feels so crowded that I wish there was an off button so I could have a moment of peace.

And my mom says that I'm the most normal person she knows.

[vissavin]

¿Será qué ya soy suficiente para ti?

[tapiokauwu]

I just want to be loved, why is it so difficult? Am I not pretty enough?

Who cares about you anyways, I hate you, I hate everyone who lives in this city! But whatever, I will still hurt myself instead of others and suffer because I think I'm a burden to everyone and I'm useless...

[m00nlight-raven]

i'm fading in front of you

and you just don't care

moonlight raven

[shiranui7]

So I got a few ideas for Bailey and Vivian drawings when you have time.

1. Bailey and Vivian on a date

2. Cuddles

3. Fur Color switch

4. Couple fluff stuff

I'm working on some art for the book Erilor right now and I don't have much time in general to draw. Sorry but I am already pushing myself to draw while on art block and at the same time I'm trying to finish my last exams and working on a thesis for my university. I am really stressed, tired and absolutely unmotivated to produce art right now since no one seems to really care (see Darcovar drawing). I can try doing the colour switch prompt but my drawings take a lot of time so I can't guarantee when it will happen.

Please don't take me wrong, I like Vivian and Bailey and you are nice, but I'm feeling a strong aversion to draw.

[whatever228sworld]

Zawsze kiedy będziesz chciał dobrze wyjdzie źle,

zawsze gdy nie będziesz miał nic złego na myśli ktoś zrozumie Cię źle, zawsze gdy będziesz potrzebował bliskości ktoś się odsunie za to, zawsze gdy ktoś będzie jej potrzebował Ty nie zrozumiesz i się oddalisz w najgorszym momencie zauważyłam, że nie ważne jak zrobisz zawsze będzie źle,

i to nie tak, że każdy Cię źle odbiera to Ty po prostu jesteś zły przyznaj to w końcu samemu sobie niektórzy ludzie nie ważne, jakby się starali nigdy nie będą dobrzy.

[mostro-rotto]

I don't know if i'm ready to give my energy to somebody else I don't know if I can I want to I really do I want to be loved I want someone to love me as well And I just don't know what I have to offer anymore I don't know if i'm good enough for them What if everything works out and everything is going well and it's good but then they suddenly say that i'm not enough Ah that's what I don't want to happen you know

[bye-bye-bye-someone-in-the-sky]

She told me that I'm not enough, yeah

And she left me with a broken heart, yeah

She fooled me twice and it's all my fault, yeah

She cut too deep, now she left me scarred, yeah

Now there's too many thoughts goin' through my brain, yeah

And now I'm takin' these shots like it's Novocaine, yeah

Oooh, I fall apart

[goghskypoestry]

:"Will I ever be enough?"

No.

:"Why?"

I see you smiling and suddenly it's the heavy rain of 15 minutes after the summer heat, that makes us realize how nature compensates. I see you, your eyes wide open, when you see the barista bring over your favourite cup of coffee. I see you burn everytime you've spoken for what you believe but the fire you create is never to burn but to warm skins and hearts alike, of the world's icy core. I've watched your tears fall, like autumn leaves do, and suddenly the ground I walk on does not seem so lonely anymore. I see your eyes narrowing when you laugh, still wide enough to find another universe where humanity is still celebrated. You see, enough is never even close to what you are or have been, or ever will be. You'll always be the glass of overflowing stars, burning and shining your way through every parched human you go to, and you fill them with love. But you, never end because no one can have enough of you. So you give, effortlessly and fearlessly.

- Daphnae, to every person who dares to love

[applyingpeace]

Life is revealing itself to be a cruel, sick joke.

No matter how much I strive for truth and good, I'm too tormented to succeed.

[mentallyillastrophelfreak]

my story pt.1

I used to have no friends at all cause I was always quiet and just watched. Now, the elders would ask me who I'm usually with or shouldn't I be with my friends that day – I either break down when I'm unwell, or just smile sheepishly knowing that I don't have any.

People would tell me that if I tried to open up more then maybe I wouldn't feel so lonely. I did try, though, once. It didn't go well. But then, I decided to try again. I said hi daily to anyone, or I try to smile even the slightest at people who actually acknowledge me. Then I tried starting a conversation with this guy who was feminine, but not gay.

Next thing I knew, I had friends. I connected with people. I enjoyed my time with them and looked forward to meeting up with them. It was nice. And I was always there to comfort them because they have crappy self esteem and have mental issues. I was their mom and therapist friend. It was nice. All was well.

Until I got sick, but I still went to school. I was so tired and I kept coughing and sniffling a lot. I was so tired that I couldn't talk to anyone, and even if I tried, it's so hard to even talk. I made an excuse to my feminine guy friend that I'm sick and that I won't be able to hang out with them properly for a while. He barely glanced at me or acknowledged me. It was fine. It's just probably my head messing with me.

The only person who ever forced a mutter out of me or even a half smile was the boy sitting next to me. I really loved him, like really loved him, but he was with someone else so I'm hopeless. He liked to annoy me and by doing that, it forces a smile out of me. But then again, I was barely talking.

Three days later, I was still sick. But I had improved cause I was actually smiling without any reason again. Until that afternoon my mood shifted and I lashed out on my friend by yelling at him to stop being a...you know. Then I made him cry. I. Made. Him. Cry. I was so freaking ashamed of myself and I tried to apologized but he didn't accept it. I hated myself so much that I went on complete silent and I didn't participate on my next class. The pain of my own words cut into every part of my body so deeply, especially my head. My head felt like it was being banged by a rock. Plus, our lesson was about self-consciousness. I hated the world and myself.

Then after that period, the boy beside me decided to annoy me again. I was staring outside, frowning, and you know what he did? He stared at me for a long time, then mirrored what I was doing; then when I looked away to look down on my hand, which I was writing on, he did the same. I noticed everything and I couldn't help but look at him, smile like a fool, and think "I love you so much dammit."

Until I noticed that I had difficulty breathing. I started rubbing on my chest cause it hurt and my breathing picked up. The boy noticed and asked if what was wrong. I told him I couldn't breathe and forced me to drink water. But it was getting worse. My head was racing with so many things I couldn't think properly. Then the pain was getting unbearable that tears started filling my eyes, and the boy had to call on our adviser, cause, gosh, I was crying.

They took both my arms, then I started hyperventilating. I gasped for breath as tears streamed down my eyes and all I could think of is holding on to the boy with me. They took me to the school clinic and was cold, stiff and numb all over. Before the boy left, I looked at him one last time and thought, 'im so glad that it's you who saw this.'

When I was alone, I left the clinic without anyone knowing then went back to the classroom. My mom found me and made me took a pill before she had to leave. I started crying again, and the boy listened to me ramble about random stuff. And this girl who's always quiet, was the only one who helped me too. And you know those other friends I talked to? Barely cared. Ignored me.

Then I start to wonder, 'was I just the second option?'