#i'm just so bad at describing myself lmfao

[fakeosirian]

updated my theme and added a link to my about in my bio btw

[lunarharp]

into the deep end - 30k T orufrey fic, focusing on memory trauma, disability, and romance.

the sweet oblivion of the victim, the poisoned freedom of the other.

for one moment - it had felt like two parts returned - the needed reunion of two disparate halves. no more secrets, no more pain.

the moment you get to give back what you never wanted to take. that moment, under the night-blooming flowers, when they had both let out the same single broken sigh of relief.

but they were never whole to begin with, were they?

qifrey swore he wouldn't say 'sorry' to this man any more if he could help it - sorry is cheap now. he didn't want to be in a position ever again where you only have 'sorry' left. so he just looks down into the threads of his blanket, strains his eye until it hurts, feeling his insides - his throat, heart and head - burn with pain. he expects more, but olly says nothing.

olly says nothing.

[riacte]

false-ren dynamic in today's stream, short summary:

we start off with false lightly roasting ren about not getting a kill and ren doing his speech (for what must be the 7th time) about how he won't kill false because she's his homie. talked about protecting her and said "my false" and how he's retiring from reaping.

AND then bdubs and xb respectively came along to lure/bribe ren, to which false started yelling in all caps (she has the caps privilege in ren's chat) about him being a traitor. she offered to outbid bdubs and xb (by offering 90% of the prize). but ren wasn't looking at chat. and ren's chat was like NOOOOO REN don't betray false 🥺🥺🥺

so ren is utterly useless and pathetic as a reaper and she doesn't care too badly until he talks with someone else and suddenly she jumps in, guns blazing, yelling about how he ditched her or something lmfao. she calls him a meanie.

at one point i sent a chat about how ren is going to accidentally kill her while he's trying to save her and she replied with "this, without him trying to save me" 💀 incompetent doggy

then we have the iskall-bdubs-ren whatever the fuck it was. ren created an interesting metaphor for iskall's new nether portal- he described it as going on a date with someone and decided to call off the date because of a "swollen" and "pulsating" zit on her forehead. (phrases that also appear: "booty that won't quit" "junk in the trunk" and something about bdubs making him "a little excited). then he talked about how he ordered sweatpants but it didn't fit and he had to pull them up to his nipples (?). and a bunch of other weird shit.

anyways false was still in chat sending out facepalm emojis and telling chat to close their ears and run away and leave. it got bad enough that she was like "i'm logging on just to throw myself off a cliff" "this shouldn't be live. like what" "it's like watching a car crash" "OH GOD" "i'm building a zit so they won't come near me" "going to overthrow him". meanwhile chat was pleading begging sobbing for false to log on and do something, anything. kill him. shut him up. and false was like i don't wanna go near them you should be the ones helping me chat 🥺.

but in the end, our brave warrior false logged on, sent a single message about thinking of the kids, then logged off. they all ignored her. and she was like "chat i tried".

that was how chat and false sat through like an hour of the most insane twaddle. and he was like "this is why i'm still single" 💀 a chatter was like "there are still ladies in the line" and false was like "after that? D:" and then chat was like "the line has been emptied"

several hermits raided ren after that, including iskall, cleo and joe that i remember of, and ren apologised to false for all the lad talk and.... 🤡. yeah. but quite a lot of hermits did have ren's stream running (iskall, joe, cleo, stress, doc, and ofc false)

anyways it's funny how false has become the spokesperson for ren's chat and we were ALL begging her to stop him. and ren really was like "i'll never hurt false" and then proceeded to get instantly swayed. "tempted by the devil". ren, please. think of your poor chat.

[catgrassplantdad]

fic writer interview

i was tagged by the luminous @energievie & @suzy-queued to fill this bad boy out! i remember doing this last year too, how fun! 🩷

1. How many works do you have on AO3?  I've got 20 on there now!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 143,320

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? kinda raw, float, cinematic, and i'm your warm receiver, watching. the four after kinda raw are all pretty close together in terms of kudos, but kinda raw has a lot more kudos than the one after it and i don't understand why. i have written better fics lmfao! y'all are just nasty. and honestly i appreciate that.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i try to always respond, but sometimes it gets away from me! i just really appreciate people taking the time to leave a comment, and i want to show that appreciation.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? i don't think any of mine have been angsty!

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? they're all happy, but it might be you outshined the best there was just because of the nature of the story. soft dads, seen from mickey's perspective as he grows into fatherhood over the course of a year, but also so, so plotless. soft!

7. Do you write crossovers? no and i doubt i ever will. one of my very favorite conversations though is when my husband and i insert characters from other media we like into star trek tng or ds9. it's so dumb and so funny. lmao what if i wrote it

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic? yeah! once, on one of my favorite fics, ligature. they told me i should sterilize myself because i'm glorifying abuse by writing bdsm, it's a good read

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? i almost exclusively write smut! nasty and loving. i don't know how to describe it but whenever i think i've written something disgusting i inevitably get comments about how sweet it is. which, yeah, it's not like they're mutually exclusive ways to fuck. so yeah, sweet and dirty husbands

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen? i don't think so! i mean i hope not

11. Have you ever had a fic translated? nope!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? i haven't, but i've collaborated on a couple of projects with my dear friend @heymrspatel! i wrote and she made art for cinematic and honeycomb. cinematic was more julissa making art for parts i'd already written, but honeycomb especially was a collaborative process with the way that a bunch of what i wrote was based on things that julissa was visualizing for her art, so parts of it did feel like co-writing. it was the most fun i've had working on anything!

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship? don't make me choose between the angel who fell in love with a faithless man, and the closeted thug who fell in love with the kid who had it bad for him and ultimately had the most satisfying ending. destiel and gallavich are both such incredibly compelling ships!! aahhh!!

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? if there's something i'm not going to finish, it's generally because it became something i didn't want to work on anymore.

15. What are your writing strengths? describing physical sensation and emotional impact, dialogue

16. What are your writing weaknesses? exposition

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? i like evie's idea of just indicating that they've switched to another language without actually writing the language out

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for? gallavich

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to? i really want to write destiel smut. i think the nonhuman element could be fun to play with. i've read a lot of grace sex and that shit is soooooo. hot. i want to try my hand at it.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? this changes so often! one i come back to a lot is chapter two of 2022's kinktober collection, the prompts were wax & "yeah, that's it baby, just like that" and i wrote some wax play and i suppose cockwarming although it's not tagged as such. i also really fucking love lush, it's inspired by one of julissa's pieces and it's drunk lovemaking and breathplay. i also need to shout out a newer one, beauty in simplicity from this year's kinktober collection. mickey getting his ass eaten on the kitchen table. there's three fics! i don't care!

tagging @howlinchickhowl @whatwouldmickeydo @whatthebodygraspsnot @gallawitchxx @ohkate @sam-loves-seb @sisitrip @crossmydna @thisdivorce @mmmichyyy @arrowflier if you guys feel like playing 🖤

[youremyheaven]

https://www.tumblr.com/youremyheaven/753050746623262720/the-13-feminine-seduction-archetypes-quiz-women

150 questions is insane 😭😭 but i did it all anyway and im a kibbe r i think and honestly… something about this quiz healed me because there was one qns that asked if older women instinctively mother me nad i always felt not feminine again (oh oops hi im the anon that shares the same placements as your mother again 💗💗) and as a child i guess i was seen as very young and small and sweet and a nerd so it was easy for them to take care of me

but when i grew older i felt more out out of place and not as feminine or liked because older women wouldn’t instinctively take care of me the way they did with my other friends and such and i was always seen as more mature and capable of taking care of myself (internally im 8 years old though) and even when they kinda did it was awkward and i felt too much and out of place and it didnt always feel natural with most

when i was got the mother archetype i was kinda 🥹🥹 because ok maybe other older women might make me feel a little bad at times but maybe because im busy mothering others more

🥺🥺bestie

u over here having realisations upon realisations

Wait you're the Mother archetype, so are you a Sensualist?

Omg you being Venusian and a Kibbe Romantic IS SO PERFECT,, Venusians have the kind of fleshy boneless body that Kibbe Romantics are said to have (obviously not every Venusian will look like this tho)

In this video, Claire mentioned how Purvashadhas have a very soft curvy body but i think it broadly applies to all Venusians

I do think we switch roles throughout our lives and through different friend groups 🧐 I feel like I'm the more mature, big sister type friend among certain ppl but if you ask others, they'd say that im babie and I naturally switch to a more relaxed and annoying younger sibling vibe among them.

I think you just haven't met the kind of people who'd baby you tbh but I promise they're out there for sure!!! It's not some innate unworthiness, I just think it's a relationship dynamic thing tbh

Like there are people who believe I'm a highly serious, uptight, goody two shoes bc they've only ever seen me like that and our dynamic is such that I can never let loose around them??? But there are others who are genuinely surprised that I have brain cells at all. One time I called a friend of mine for help with something and he started describing everything in such micro detail like he was talking to a 5yr old (not patronizing or anything, just genuinely breaking things down in the simplest way) and I'm like damn wow he really gets me bc i genuinely wouldn't understand any of this otherwise lmfao 😭😭😭 some people overestimate my abilities when even if I look put together, I still could use their help lmao

I hope you mother others but also get to relax and be babied bc u deserve it 🥰✨

I'll call you Mother anon now bc you share placements with my mom AND it's your archetype hehe 🤭😂

[sighonaraa]

tagged by the brilliant @jamiesfootball and the stunning @lady-of-the-spirit and the gorgeous @abubblingcandle! thank you all for the tag MWAH <3

1. how many works do you have on AO3?

11

2. what's your total AO3 word count?

120,102

3. what fandoms do you write for?

ted lasso (quick everybody act surprised), daredevil (i WILL get back to that fic i prommy), thor & loki, and uh. i haven't posted anything yet but somehow succession got me to care very deeply about billionaires so. watch this space............

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

It's the Great Father's Day, Ted Lasso (ted lasso)

It's the Great Valentine's in May, Colin Hughes (ted lasso)

hear you calling from some lost and distant shore (thor & loki)

and do not recognize us as we pass (ted lasso)

It's the Great Moving Away, Sam Obisanya (ted lasso)

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

I DO. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE A LIE AND THAT IS BECAUSE IT IS. i have been woefully bad at catching up with responding to comments........... however i will fix this once school gets out.

6. what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hmmm. despite the fact that my fics tend to be Incredibly Angsty, they almost all end with deep and abiding sappiness. i suppose at the moment the sun is only a God if you learn to starve has the angstiest ending, although that's mostly just because it only has the one singular chapter atm.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

probably It's the Great Father's Day, Ted Lasso! i love that ending very very much.

8. do you get hate on fics?

thankfully not yet!! pls be nice to me im This Tiny (i am not short at all) (be nice to me anyways)

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

i have not! maybe one day, possibly, but i'm very [blushing] about writing that right now lmfao.

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've written?

i haven't written any crossovers before! i tend more towards AUs (as we can attest)

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

as far as i'm aware, nope!

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

no but if anyone ever wants to, i'm so incredibly down for that

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

no! BUT! i would LOVE to! come to my dms and let's brainstorm.

14. what's your all-time favourite ship?

all of my favorite characters/therapy. tbh.

15. what's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

i will finish every WIP i've posted a chapter of because i will. this is my Brave Face Mantra. in terms of ones i want to finish in my head.... the ted lasso s3 fix it will hopefully eventually happen but not for A While.

16. what are your writing strengths?

hrm. hrngh. i hate complimenting myself. people have told me i have a good grasp of character voices and also prose? so? [throws that at you and runs away]

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

i am THEE absolute worst at describing settings/environments. i'm not a visual reader at all which translates into not being a visual writer and it's just. urgh. HELP.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

hell yea! most of the characters i've written for so far have been mostly english-speaking, but for characters who are bilingual (dani, sam, richard) i try to include phrases in their native language they would use. if i were to ever write a lot of dialogue in another language, i'd probably give an in-narrative translation, or just stick 'em in the end notes.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

when i was 12 and infinity war came out i was so distraught that i wrote like 10 fix it fics and none of them will ever see the light of day.

20. favourite fic you've ever written?

and do not recognize us as we pass & find a new place to be from! yes i cheated and chose two.

tagging! not sure who has and who hasn't done it yet so! @altschmerzes @jamietarttsnorthernattitude @iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid @thirteenemeraldcats @nativestarwrites @orbitalpirate + absolutely anybody else who would like to participate and use me as their tagger! MWAH <3

[jennilah]

I think i started to follow you bc of tiny!cas, like eons ago, let me tell you seeing you get into different fandoms over the years has been a delight.

I remember seeing post of you going like 'hey these slasher film kinda go hard' and look at you know.

I mean this in the best way possible, I feel i've been watching a house plant grow, every now and then catching my attention and being amazed by the changes

omg thats such a sweet way of describing my... well happy autism awareness day everyone, its a nice way of describing the way i naturally transition through my Special Interests lmfao

actually, for the holiday, let me infodump about this very aspect of my brain to anyone who isnt aware how this works for me. (also every autistic person is different, so this is just how this symptom manifests in me)

ill say "phases" to simplify, though thats an unfair word because it implies im "over" my past phases. 99% of my past phases are pretty much there for life, but in the back of my mind. (So long as I didnt have a "bad breakup" with it for some reason, which is rare but happens) The ability to become a raving lunatic about it is dormant until someone asks the right question.

There can only be one interest (sometimes 2, with one being the less dominant one) at the forefront of my brain at a time, though. that defines the "phase".

so for example, my recent Halloween phase is "over" and I am 100% fully into Saw now, but I still absolutely love Halloween and Michael and Jason and all those guys. as evident by me still happily sharing gifsets and art and buying merch etc if it tickles my fancy. They're just hanging out in the background of my mental display case.

yea whoever follows my tumblr for a very long time has watched it happen in realtime. the transition between interests. i know for a fact which phase I started this blog on. if you're here from the beginning, youve seen, in order:

-Durarara!! -Deus Ex -Supernatural -Godzilla -Detroit: Become Human -There was like a few weeks where it was HLVRAI -And then it was plants. There was a year-long stretch with no Special Interest and I was latching onto odd things (and I was very inactive here) -Halloween & Friday the 13th -and now, Saw

I have many other things I love, but they don't clamp around my brain in quite the same extreme way.

my phases can last any amount of time, anywhere from a few short intense months to 5+ years, its completely random, completely unpredictable. even the interest itself is impossible to predict. its not something i choose, its something that happens to me.

sometimes i avoid watching things for a long time because im still very emotionally attached to my current phase and im genuinely afraid the shiny new thing will replace it. all art or fic ideas for the previous phase? theyll be abandoned. all I will want to create will be related to the new thing. (though I will sometimes draw it anyway, like digging up old toys to play with once in a while. The likelihood just drops considerably)

which is why right now i pretty much put a pause on the other franchises I plan on watching. I'm genuinely gripping onto Saw like someone is tryin to take it from me.

and then sometimes im like "haha yeah right. ill be fine. ill eat my shoe if my brain latches to this" and then put on the movie and by the credits roll im a new person (yes thats what happened with Saw. I really had no idea.)

this is also why im terrified of even just "checking out" things that have, like, a toxic fanbase or something, because i cant stop a new phase from happening if it does. and its really hard to keep it to myself, fuck

(do u know how mad i was when i realized i was attaching to hoffman the evil dirty cop??? i was so scared of drawing him, dudes. but thankfully everyones been cool abt it and we're all very aware of his awfulness & we have fun w it)

and every time my brain changes and i do get obsessed with some new thing, i get really scared and worried and hope I dont bother everyone who followed me for something else :(((( and yet, every time, im absolutely floored by how many people choose to tolerate my newest nonsense and stick around anyway

anyway ive lost the plot of what point i was making here OH YEAH thank you!

tl;dr: that would be the autism! thank you, it WILL happen again! that is a threat! 🥰

[wraithdance]

wait omg @mikichko

kiko your tags on my fic im gonna cry!! Putting them under the cut because I need to talk about the feels so sorry I'm gonna ramble!

#imagine my surprise when i go into this and see 'avoidant reader' and go 'oh thats me!'#fully expecting some light funny laughs about a reader who pushes this beast of a man away#only for you to fucking snipe the shit out of my soul and perfectly encapsulate my life and the emotional state im in

Listen I swear it was supposed to be funny and smutty but somehow it just got out of control and veered into me unpacking some shit lmfao. I'd already planned out writing something heavy and angsty for simon months ago but describing the scene with Foxy leaving and saying the dreaded words made everything else jump out. I love the reader inserts everyone else does but until now, I don't think I realized how much I just needed to see someone who was purposely a bitch and an absolute mess that could still be worthy of love. I'm not interested in heavily promoting this to the fandom because it's a project of love for myself and other avoidant/traumatized/bitchy girlies (gn)

#the therapist shopping#the break up text#the categories#holing yourself up and only presenting pieces of yourself to people that seem palatable#the strained relationship with parents *oof*#not bringing a single partner around them either#the grippy sock drawer

Yes!! omg I was so nervous about adding those parts because I've always had such a difficult time explaining the humiliating cycle of needing more mental help than 'Live, Laugh, Love' can get you. Especially when you have a history of trauma and poor parental relationships. it's so difficult to explain to people who don't get why you can't just move on, or WHY you can't just open up. By the time I was done writing I was like well fuck... I'm not sure if anyone else will even like this fic but it means a lot to me that you could identify as well and I hope I can turn this into something comforting later down the line.

#even the small scene where reader is about to open up to Duckie and finally accept the lifeline...#just for the universe to laugh and remind them that eventually even in the hard moments they'll pull away from them right as they reach out#jesus christ this had me crying on the couch#calvary you are evil (lovingly)#i absolutely adore you.

Please I started crying while writing that. I couldn't help but think at my irl Duckie. It wasn't intentional that I created her character to be similar to how me and my best friend are but it just happened organically lmao. they are so sweet and will not leave me the fuck alone even when I'm isolating/being a bitch. Truly such a good friend to me and my actual platonic soulmate and I just ended up translating the guilt I feel towards them .

But yeah I adore you back and sorry if this hurt too bad! I'm working on the next part now and I'm hoping to soothe things with Soap smut lol

[xannerz]

this year was demented.

i started my new journal for 24 (and 23 derailed me so hard i fell off of this year's journal pretty fast and it makes me sad to think about, but anyway--) i just described 23 as a dull ache. i slept through a lot. i was on autopilot. i was on vacation with my best friend and some other pals and she told me she hasn't seen me this depressed since blawschool. like. idk. it didnt really hit me-- that my mental health was deteriorating that bad. until she said it. my responsibilities at work have grown a lot, and i've been carrying a lot for my family because no one else can. i cant afford to slack off at work b/c while i like to think my position is relatively safe (🧿), i have severe anxiety, and i'm like "ok what if i'm one bad email away from getting fired," and then everything caves down on me and my family LMFAO. and ofc -- seeing aze and isr getting away w ethn*c cleansing. how do you come back from that.

these things have been enough to make me sleep early many nights; it's that numbness yk. it's stalled my creative output and progress on personal goals. i was hoping to draw more this year. make things. i feel stunted b/c of the fatigue.

i did have many moments of gratitude, tho. i have so, so many friends and they're all uniquely wonderful. we say "i feel so held right now" to each other all the time, and we laugh about it but we mean it, too. i got to travel abroad and idk it was a big deal for me bc i genuinely didnt think it'd, like. ever happen?? i got to see birb more and meet her mom and she is so sweet. vigo's had a couple health scares but he's healthy. i'm still alive despite not wanting to be half the time.

i've juggled between a couple medications (had to raise effexor to like 300mg but it didnt help anymore, so maybe this new one will be the ticket.)

im just praying 2024 will be better, because 2023 crushed a lot of parts of myself and it's going to take a while for those parts to heal, and just to. reconnect with myself again.

[umemiyan]

Hiii robin! If you're cool with it, I wanted to ask, is there a certain moment with your selfships when you realize you ship with them, or is it a slow process that just kinda happens?

hi romy!!!! ❤️

tbh it kinda depends and i'm not always totally sure LMAO i'm a little all over the place with it. like a lot of the time i have a hard time deciding and i'm trying to create a classification system in my head akfjofijwe tho it probably shouldn't be that deep my brain just loves to cling to systematization and gets frustrated when it can't properly execute it lmfao. but anyways i shall try my best collect my thoughts and describe how i perceive my tendencies!!

i'll put it below the cut bc i always ramble lolol

there are definitely some ships where it was more of a slow progression and i had to eventually be like "yeah okay this is what it is" because it was getting to the point where they weren't going to leave. i could easily envision more in-depth scenarios between them and myself and/or lore that just seemed to naturally spring up and i just kept thinking about them all the time.

i'd say megumi is a good example of the slow-burn. he honestly wasn't the kind of character that heavily struck me when i first watched the anime and started reading the manga; in fact, i recall being like "oh great, another little hateful emo boy" LOL (historically they're not usually the type i'm drawn to). but i got to know his character better over time and realized that like. damn. i have rather intense feelings about this guy adjewoijfwof

toji and jean were a bit more on the "slower" side of development as well i suppose. and not "slow" in the sense it took several months or years or anything (i've only been self-shipping for about a year) but it was something i had to ease into a bit more i guess.

i actually hated toji at first but then the daddy issues kicked into overdrive and i eventually started catching feelings LMFAO and jean was my first self-ship ever. he's the first one where i felt comfortable enough to imagine myself with someone like that <3 i hadn't really truly done anything like that in years, but i loved his character so much that i was starting to actually insert myself in reader stuff rather than completely detaching like i used to. i could see myself with him.

suga, on the other hand, was the kind that hit me like a freight train. maybe it's because i'm more comfortable with self-shipping now, but it was easier for me to realize it and take it to self-ship level pretty quickly. not only was i obsessed with him from pretty much the first fucking moment, but the subsequent relationship daydreams have been insane LOL i mean i gave it a little bit of time because i hate the idea of being overly impulsive and irrational due to infatuation but uh. i fucking love him lmao

katsuki is..... *sigh* idk. he also kind of hit me like a freight train, at least with the daydream scenarios and whatnot, and i was hoping and praying it was just a phase (still kind of am) but i guess i've sort of accepted that it's not. or it's at least a longer-lasting phase than most lol idk. but i can't stop thinking about him and i'd rather just go ahead and call it a self-ship instead of continuing to try and wait it out or deny it. the brainrot is bad

ANYWAYS sorry for being unable to shut the fuck up as per usual lmfao but yeah!!! i tried to give some examples of how this shit works in my mind. right now i guess i'm sort of organizing things by how regularly/consistently i think about a character over time and with what degree of ease i imagine myself with them in several scenarios, but this is by no means the sort of parameters i think everyone should use when it comes to this. people should do whatever the fuck they want i just take shit too seriously sometimes and wish i could be more chill actually instead of trying to create a classification system for everything in my brain 😃 but here we are

[chemicalcarousel]

just finished watching that 2 hr colin ross lecture about DID and it was so good. i had no idea schizophrenia used to encompass DID when it was coined, but it makes so much sense with the name "split mind" and why people mix them up all the time and also why we were suspected to be psychotic at first. it's just scary that modern psychiatrists still can't tell the difference. we really recognised the struggle of "not fitting in any diagnostic box" (what multiple doctors have told us) because our symptoms seem kinda psychotic at first glance if you don't know much about traumatology

it's really wild hearing someone describe a patient with DID and relating so much to it, when you're used to being told by doctors in your life that you're such a weird case and maybe you have thing unique disorder that hasn't been described in literature yet. it's scary because DID is so common compared to what doctors suspect. i have very clear symptoms of being traumatised, i openly tell them i have complex childhood trauma, yet they think i can't have a trauma disorder or at most they might say bpd. i'm so obviously fragmented!! there's a reason i was all over the place symptom-wise when i was hospitalised for depression!!! some days i seemed not depressed and other days i almost killed myself because i'm dissociative!! like i didn't know back then either, but doctors should have noticed. they should have screened me for dissociative symptoms!!! they should do that with all patients, especially when they are fucking hospitalised!!!

i have switched to child alters in front of my psychologist before and she just wanted to see me "do that voice again" while i was so fucking scared because i didn't know what was going on. i know she probably said it to see if it was voluntary that i could change my voice, but it felt so humiliating and like i was a circus freak the way she asked. like she already knew it wasn't voluntary and it was a response to being triggered in therapy because we talked about my childhood trauma!!! she'd said she knew it was an automatic reaction i had to being triggered, still she said i didn't have "real flashbacks" so i didn't have ptsd and it was all just bipolar, which it turns out i don't even have!!!! lol she ended up giving up on me and passing me on to some other therapist, but man... she made me almost kms so many times lol i know she didn't mean to, but she was so fucking bad at her job imho

it was so fucking funny to have entered the clinic in 2018 with my own personal suspicious being that i have cptsd, then getting told no i don't until late 2023 where my 2nd therapist asks me if i know about cptsd and that i seem to have it BITCH I KNOW LMFAO I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS BUT YALL GASLIGHTED ME INTO THINKING I COULDN'T HAVE IT AND TOLD ME I WAS PSYCHOTIC AND NEEDED ANTIPSYCHOTICS, ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND MOOD STABILIZERS AND DIDN'T LISTEN WHEN NONE OF IT WORKED!!!!!

man.... and now im waiting like 69 weeks for my next psychiatrist bc i gave up on that shit clinic, who didn't want to transfer me to their trauma department because i didn't have war or service related trauma..... even though i found out they also treat other cases than that............ this system is a fucking joke. also the 69 weeks is not for a specialist, this was just the quickest i can see a psychiatrist without trying to kms and being involuntarily hospitalised. i'm just gonna see some normal psychiatrist and idk if she even believes in DID bc i didn't get to talk with her, only her secretary. so maybe when that year and three months have passed i find out she only knows how to diagnose anxiety and depression <333 or maybe she's homophobic or transphobic, bc that's something i've also experienced! <3333333

man.... i was brutally abused by my family and neglected by the system since before i was born and now im just.... stuck here with an illness there's a cure for, but with no access to it!!!! and it's not like i haven't tried getting help - i've been in and out of psych treatment from age 14-27!!! i've read up on shit myself bc here doctors just say "idk take this pill and stfu, hysteric woman" like i've been misdiagnosed so many times now.... at least im almost off all of my psych meds now! like they are good for some, but i was literally just fed pills for shit i didn't have and when i wasn't feeling better, they just upped the dose and told me i'd be more unstable without it when this doctor had never seen me without it and i've been on it for like a decade, still super unstable <3

long rant/vent lol but idk man it's just nice getting some of this out of my system

[wedriftlikelonelyplanets]

Random WIP Ask Game ⌛️📚💖🐀🔎🖋️

⌛️ - how long have you been working on this WIP

HMMMM if it's a random WIP....i'll talk about "All My Symmetry" for a second, which was the project I started for myself for funsies. It's been in existence since September 27th.

📚 - Is this WIP part of a series or a standalone

Technically a series. It's part one of two parallel fics that I'm writing to mirror two different ships and where they entwine and then diverge.

💖 - what is your favourite moment in this WIP

I write a very tragic scene where Charles gets onto Max's private jet, and is just a sad wet cat the entire time, and it's very lovely and also very sad and even though it's quite short, it's very compelling when you consider the backstory.

🐀- Name three reasons why this WIP is great at being romance.

Longing and pining

Detailing a childhood rivalry that becomes something so much more

Protective and adoring characters

IDK honestly, I'm bad at this kind of thing lmfao

🔎 - Is there a phrase/word you know you use too often? Will you change it in editing?

Sharp, probably haha. Will it change in editing? Maybe, maybe not. Depends on if I ever finish it, and if my eventual beta reader decides it needs to come out or not.

🖋️ -  Describe your WIP in a single, terrible sentence.

Sad twink ends up in D/s dynamic with mentor, looks like kicked puppy, becomes teammates and lovers with childhood rival.

[neonmetro]

*coughs awkwardly* I love the apocalypse horsemen so much. . . thank you for the crumbs neon. . .

I am currently half asleep while writing this but I couldn't wait to write this so anyways

I LOVE THE HORSEMEN SO MUCH???? THEY ARE SO INTERESTING??? SO CUTE???? JUST. . .EVERYTHING !!! IF THAT MAKES SENSE, THEY INTRIGUE ME IN WAYS I CANNOT DESCRIBE, LIKE I SAID THEY ARE JUST SO INTERESTING AND SO MUCH THOUGHT WENT INTO THEM, SO LIKE I'M HERE TO BEG FOR MORE CRUMBS /SILLY

EXCUSE ME CHAT. . .IK I ASK FOR CRUMBS SO CHARACTERS A LOT SO SORRY MAN

Like for real if there is anything you are willing to share about them then I am willing to listen because HOLY. . .

Just them. . .they are just THEM. . . so silly

Curse you neon and your silly blorbos !!!! /J /LH

Honestly I'm blaming Paris anon for all of this, this is their fault and I stan by that. . .thank you Paris anon ig. . . /hj

Have a good day / night neon :)))) take care of yourself you are so important *Points at you* your reminder to treat yourself to something nice

-Ulysses loving anon

THANK YOU.... RAGHGHHH 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 IT MEANS SO MUCH YOU GUYS LIKE MY GUYS SO MUCHH........ 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 its alright if you ask for em (i suffer through terminal please ask me question infodumps so its greatly appreciated lmao...)

they're just really fucked by the narrative lmfao... none of them really have agency, even if they want to (and um. their fate is pretty bad in pink overkill lmfao........ since they're the main antagonists in that one)

war and famine are so embedded into the systems they're in that everything they do is intentionally or unintentionally for the system (for war that's being a magical girl, for famine that's being chronically ill) war doesn't really mind it, they're a people pleaser, but famine is very bothered by it but is told they have to be a martyr for others.

conquest and death try their best to go against the system (conquest outwardly speaks out and tries to not get too into the magical girl systems of being marketable but ultimately still finds himself needing to, death just believes working harder and more will eventually get them out of this situation and thinks she's only playing into over-consumption for the short term when it's really just a snippet of the rest of their lives)

+ after making a contract to be officially magical girls working for the capital they're separated for most of the year, aside from collaborations and forced celebrity sightings together (so they try their best to squeeze as much time together in these times, but more often than not it doesn't really pan out well)

SOME SLIGHTLY MORE LIGHT HEARTED FACTS ABOUT HOW MUCH PEOPLE ADORE THEM, they're literally everywhere, everyone luoves them, and they have 500000000 merch and collabs all the time. literally evangelion merch levels of consumerism

like look at these highly marketable bunnies. don't you want to buy them. i know you do

some individual stuff about the horsemen:

war is very insecure, they really do need external validation from people and their attachment to a certain person shifts and they live in perpetual hell

conquest is so tired of being alone, but he doesn't know how to talk to others and not be alone so he just isolates and watches from a distance (war usually still drags him into things and his happiest moments are from then)

famine is so selfless, willing to self harm if it means others will be happier. they're overtly aware of how privileged they are to be alive bc of their wealth... it's a heavy guilt they hold

death is, in all reality, very selfish. she only really cares about a few people (the horsemen) and disregards everyone else, she may act cordial and passionate about helping others, but that's just

SDFJHNVFCVHBJHNK THE FAULT LIES WITH PARIS ANON!!!!!!!! /JJJ bringing the silliest blorbos to town........

thank you! i will treat myself to some snacks :D

[merlions]

The day of travel I had today is indescribable and the only thing that could possibly have made it even more un fucking real is if it were preceeded by the 3 days I had prior lmfao how do you describe "from never missing a flight to missing three in one weekend" and "three two hour naps over three days, and also trying to be normal at a funeral" and also "how many times can myself and each member of my enormous extended family, and any combination thereof, get trapped in an elevator" do you call your mother if you get trapped in an elevator on her birthday? Opinions may differ! and "I was so deranged at the funeral I at first genuinely thought my father's estranged brother was the ghost of my grandfather's brother who was there to attend his funeral" and also "I can still sight read hymns? I didn't know I could do that but I guess I'm the song leader of this cry party now" and "mathematically, how many distinct times in any given recurring 25 hour period is it possible to experience nicotine withdrawal, to really maximize suffering both physical and mental" and also days are 25 hours now and also I just came back from a 59 hour long single day and I had an asthma attack in an airport so bad my mouth tasted like it was flooding with blood and I actually thought it might have been a real heart attack the chest pain like a fucking knife my lower jaw cramping my legs shaking at the limit of my physical strength trying to stay upright trying to seem normal while asking a gate agent if I could still get home somehow or what, the fucking denver airport designers revealed now to be supervillain level cruel (I have long suspected this) I think my blood pressure is like 12/140 and my veins are pooling so bad ive got these crazy perma worms lookin ass vessels visible in my arms and hands, tried to see if compression socks would help and they did but I just noticed they also literally friction burned a huge portion of my leg hair clean off lmfaooo, each day of travel meant to be ~8hrs and getting home at 5pm, but turning out instead ~17 hours and got home just recently to feed the animals and am waking up for running off to class in around 4.35 hours from now. I'm not letting myself get mad at myself for taking like two hours to relax while awake for the first time in days and days. My blood is a thick soup in my eyeballs, in this house we call that shit "Saturday disease" 🤕🤧😵‍💫

[milksuu]

deeply disappointed in myself i'm sorry in advance 🩵🩵 trying to form questions in my head as i type this like ?? wgat was that key doing in us but that'll probably be revealed in the next part ?? unless im an idiot and phel just got 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 like that 😶‍🌫️ sorry but i need him to get mc pregnant RIIIGHHHTTT NEOWWWWW 🙏🙏🙏 i beg of you please js put it in i'm so sorry i'm down bad rn but uh anyway !!?##]^ i anticipate what u have in store for pt 3 too bc anon had the right idea omg .. pregnancy ,,, repopulating the clan uchiha style u have my heart . AND MC MY SWEET ☹️☹️ so kind despite literally . being a captive ⁉️⁉️😭 free my girl (lying through my teeth btw, need to b stuck there forever). ALSO HELLO WHO WASHED US 😨😨 was it phel or some other lunari but oh my god , during that scene!!!!!!! the way u describe everything (vag😍) is mmmphhkjgf all i can do is gush over ur writing w no shame bc i need phel so bad, uhh chp dedicated towards eating mc out ?? ur insane actually. i love u sm ☹️☹️ the language n atmosphere lord save me bc what do yoy mean these rn't canon descriptors of lunari grounds, if riot isn't putting in the work then we hve writers like you god bless ☹️

also . LMFAOOO LOSER 😭😭 idiot stuck in the bath (need to b in there w him), oh and was it the noctum rhat paralysed him (he can paralyse me from my waist down 🩵) ? silly question but im a lil deranged rn after reading that my bad . mc was honestly such a sweetheart though, for treating him so well but we'll ignore the prior murder attempt. can't lose a baddie tonight ykyk ‼️‼️ what would happen though if . mc committed to it though err would phel just be a goner considering his state in the bathtub n all 😭

thats it from me rn bc it's late !! 🦦🩵

LMFAO! i loved reading this omg.

OK SO--yeah phel was just being a weirdo and decided to 'hide' the key inside of mc, cause why not.

ALL YALL WANTING BABIES WITH THIS MAN HAHA. hes literally insane. and you know what? VALID. but i'll be upfront and say it won't be happening in part 3, soowwwyyy. </3

also phel 100% washed mc. like, he literally made sure that mc had a warm bath, to the point he let the water get cold for himself. and well, yeah, he's a DUMMY who ran out of time before the side effects of the noctum completely started fckin up his insides and got trapped suffering in a cold bath HAHA. i also hc that there's no way this man ISNT dying every time he consumes it. and this mf knows it and will do it till he legit dies and alune knows this too. [*insert tragic bad ending here*]

and we actually aren't at a lunari camp just yet!!!! mc really is just in a tavern in like a neutral territory/town rn. and dont you worry, you'll know when we do get there, because in my mind, the place is GORGEOUS. like a freaking jeweled city inside the mountain and its BREATHTAKING. MAGICAL. STREAMS LOOK LIKE STARTLIGHT. FLOWERS ARE BIOLUMINESCENT. THERE ARE POCKETS OF MOONSHINE IN DARK CAVERNOUS ROOMS WHERE THE LUNARI BATHE COMPLETELY NAKED AND BOND AS FRIENDS/FAMILY/LOVERS. i rlly dont fckin know i wish riot would give us so much more lore to their territory. for both solari and lunari honestly. but yeah, we'll know soon enough!

and uh yeah if mc committed we wouldn't have a part 3 LMFAO.

once again, ty for the lovely msg anon!! <3<3<3

[chaisshitposts]

thanks for reminding me i can manifest them to be chill- i way too used to my strict parents lmao

THE JOJO REFERENCES GOES HARD FR

i haven't catched up with hxh manga but i did finish the anime and basically killua split up to protect alluka and gon wanted to meet his father so they technically couldn't stay together, there's a possibility that they won't appear in the manga again :((

don't blame me😭 the first thing i saw about kny was that episode and nezuko (there was so many nezuko edits oml), but first episode was like a 50/50 for me?? i'm pretty sure it's because i used to watch like really dark magical girls animes when i was younger and my cousins always made me watch the final destination series with them🧍🏻

OML TOJI I REMEMBER READING THE MANGA AND WANTING HIM AND MEGUMI TO MEET SDCNKSDJFBS and yuta is the literal definition of looking like a cinnamon roll but can actually kill you

I DON'T BLAME YOU ABOUT THE PROMISED NEVERLAND CUz Isabella's jumpscare in the first episode was😭😭🖐🏻 and yES PLS GIVE BUNGO STAY DOGS A CHANCE!

KATEKYO HITMAN REBORN?? I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET BUT MY COUSIN WATCHES IT A LOT

there's something so scrumptiously delicious about main characters who are weak but are actually strong and just humbles the people who underestimates them, like, sLAY

my sister recommended me mashle! it's on to watch list since i'm planning on binge watching animes in my waiting room and PLS TELL ME THAT ZOM 100 IS FINALLY COMPLETED, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO BINGE WATCH IT SINCE LIKE LAST LAST MONTH

i'm currently watching the apothecary diaries! It's so refreshing because the female lead is so smart and pragmatic, like she doesn't give a sht about the male lead and just loves medicine and poison tasting so much😫 the only thing i dislike is how she's being forced to be the male lead's partner but the plot is still good heheh

🐧anon

no problemo 🕵️ gotta help the homies out. everything in life is a jojo reference, even jesus.

oml nO wait I watched the whole HXH manga and know they split up I was just acting delusional 😭 and uGh I hope the manga gets finished one day... The creator has bad health-- wait a damn minute I can just manifest his health back wtf am I sayin' 🧐

PFFFTTT what a wild read— and oh god no don't even talk about final destination to me, I cannot drive on the freeway normally sometimes bc of that shit, everytime I see a truck with like oversized loads (especially the fuckers with the big ass steel poles on the back of them) I always get chills, even though I know nothing is gonna happen to me cause I said so 🧍

toji didn't even remember he had son.... deadbeat dad type beat. yuta and rika deserve better ngl

isabella and that other maid... they are nightmare fuel. and yes!!!!!! I will absolutely give it another chance for the adorable tiger boy with the fruity little haircut!!! bingeing anime in yer waitin' room??? bruh that's literally so big brain wtf I low-key wanna shift to all my favorite animes one of these days 🕵️ but I have this underlying worry about the version of myself being left behind to do my dirty work lmfao

also- katekyo hitman reborn! is super good, but I will say that I have been rewatchin' it for a sense of nostalgia on and off whenever I have time and god the first like--- 20 episodes are fuckin' cringe but the main character's awakenin' is satisfying 😭 he's like the og deku

I have no idea if all the eps have been posted for zom 100 !!!! I will check for you today if I remember--- I haven't had time to check after watching like the first three episodes on crunchyroll—

OooOo an anime with a strong female lead!?!?! I would absolutely eat that shit up oml gobble gobble gobble— ew that plot sounds cringey. man, I really want an anime with a stoic, underestimated female lead whos like majorly asexual... wait 🧍 hold on, I basically just described saiki k... I NEED A FULL THIRD SEASON OF THE DISASTROUS LIFE OF SAIKI K.