#i'm having the world's stupidest problems

[gideonisms]

The last time I got a bit drunk I started doing my dishes and messaging everyone I knew. I was having 3 conversations at once and finally accomplishing a task I'd been putting off all day. how does THAT work. I'm inventing new unique ways to be a failwoman (gender neutral)

[pro-sipper]

I'm truly convinced that antis think anyone under the age of 18 is a drooling baby in a sandbox. They infantilize kids of every age to hell and back to the point where I don't even believe the "children" that they think they're protecting exist anywhere outside of their own minds.

That person pretending to be an 8 year old commenting on the explicit fic? Who apparently thought an 8 year old couldn't spell "can" or "was" but left in "subsequently" without a problem? It isn't even worth saying that no child would type like that.

Listen, I've spoken to kids before (because people of all ages exist in the world and - surprise! - you have to interact with them because DNIs don't work in real life) and if you told a real human 8 year old that you were spending the weekend partying it up at Luigi's mansion with Optimus Prime and Batman, they would look at you sideways before telling you, in a tone of voice that makes it clear they think you're the stupidest person on earth, that none of those people are real.

[mcflymemes]

CHALLENGERS (2024) PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue, adjust as necessary.

who says i want somebody to be in love with me?

i don't want to fuck you to prove a point.

fuck me because you want to.

are you gonna do it or not?

tastes even better than it looks.

i just told you i missed you.

i really want to kiss you right now, but i'm worried that if i try, you'll think i'm the worst friend in the world.

you know, it hurts me sometimes how little you believe in yourself.

decimate that little bitch.

let's be honest, you gotta feel bad for the kid.

you're not a spring chicken anymore.

dude. he's a pancake. you're gonna flatten him.

how's this feeling?

we're ready for you.

so obviously this isn't the result you wanted today.

you choked.

i don't want you to embarrass yourself.

i'm just a little rusty. it's a confidence thing.

get your fucking confidence back. i can't do it for you.

i'm so sick of you using this as an excuse to have a fucking meltdown.

you said we could watch a movie.

you're evil.

i'm gonna quiz you on it tomorrow.

sir, i don't know who you are.

i don't think we have much more to talk about.

i haven't spoken to you in five years.

i was just taking a little nap.

move, or i'm calling the cops.

you were really something back then, huh?

we always talked about how amazing it would be to win this together.

i'm a crazy person.

any predictions about how that's going to go?

can you do me a favor? can you not, like... demolish me tomorrow?

shut the fuck up.

if it matters to you so much, i can just give it to you.

i need it to look like i really beat you.

don't guilt me with your dying grandmother.

she's the hottest woman i've ever seen.

you were... fucking incredible.

baby, we've got to get going.

i'm not going to that party.

are you that threatened by me?

we can't both just go in there, dicks swinging.

i'd let her fuck me with a racket.

hey, do you smoke?

of course they will remember you.

see, that's your problem. you think you're like an artist or something.

you just want to win because you love it when people tell you how talented you are.

are you on facebook?

i told you tennis was boring.

you just got this crazy look on your face.

are you on a date?

i don't kiss and tell.

why did you want to have dinner with me?

i think you might be the worst friend in the world.

i didn't know you were so concerned about my feelings.

of course you still have a thing for her.

we just had what i'm assuming is the best sex of our lives.

i fucked your brains out?

what do you think you need? a cheerleader? a fuck buddy? a girlfriend?

you're talented, you're charming, and you've got a big dick.

excuse me for inconveniencing you.

don't expect to sleep here tonight.

stop going easy on me.

i'll be whatever you need me to be. i'll fuck off if you want me to.

i need you here, actually.

you're referring to when i declared my love for you.

you're not in love with me anymore?

i've been dreaming about this for five years.

i'm gonna propose something to you, and it's gonna make you angry. it's gonna make you very angry. but you have to hear me out, okay?

i'm finally ready to listen to you.

how dare you fucking ask me that.

do you think it's cute what you're doing? do you think it's funny?

that's the stupidest fucking thing i've ever heard.

i've always wanted you.

you didn't do anything to me. i did it all to myself.

i think i've reached the limit of my willingness to have this conversation with you.

do you understand how embarrassing it is that you're here?

you've never beaten me.

tell me it doesn't matter.

will you just hold me?

i'm not here to fuck you.

i miss watching you play. you were so beautiful.

[ckret2]

Ages ago I made a post about what Ford thinks about Bill (in a billford context), and I've had an infodump on what Bill thinks about Ford floating on discord for months, and an ask finally prompted me to post it, so here ya go:

If asked why he likes Ford, Bill himself claims that Ford overthinks everything, but in such fun, interesting ways, and Bill likes the way Ford thinks about things.

But really, Bill overthinks everything too; it's just he overthinks social things. He's always calculating how to persuade, control, manipulate people. He never has a conversation that isn't a chess game, it's exhausting and he won't even admit it's exhausting. When's the last time his top priorities weren't either "how do I convince some sucker to make a portal" or "ugggh I'm so SICK of the PORTAL I'm gonna THROW A PARTY and NOT THINK AT ALL"

Whereas Ford is guy who'd hear someone say something incorrect and bluntly go "no you're wrong" and accidentally offend the hell out of them because he's SO excited to share this fantastic information they don't know. The social world DOES NOT EXIST for him until he's reminded of it.

And so he's free to turn all his brainpower instead to. Like. The environmental impact of barf fairies on fern fertilizer or whatever.

Bill knows Everything™ but he's gotten tired of doing anything with that knowledge. They're all discrete points of information to him. He doesn't have time to muse over things, he's got an inventor to manipulate at 11pm and then a party to get to at midnight. He's never once in his life thought about the impact of barf fairies on the local flora. But he does happen to know the plants in that part of the woods are more acid-resistant and wow is that why???? He's never even thought to think about that before. Thousand year mystery that Bill didn't even notice has been solved.

(On the other hand "Ford doesn't think to think about the intricacies of social interaction" is also part of what makes him so easy to manipulate, he's so much more inclined to just accept at face value a friendly offer of assistance on a big academic project. Sure Bill's helping for the sake of scientific advancement in and of itself, why wouldn't he?)

Bill wants to just, fling random facts at Ford and see if he can think up connections between them. Go nerd boy go nerd boy go

"... So there you have it Ford, that's the problem you'll have to overcome with adapting alien machinery to human fuel sources, now I wanna hear YOUR thoughts on how to overcome that problem." "Well—" talks in an uninterrupted stream that by thirty minutes in has drifted over to the history of kerosene production, which he read an interesting book about between semesters in college— "... I've gotten off topic, haven't I?" "No no, I think you're on to something. This is how brainstorming works, free association of concepts. Keep going."

Ford in the morning: "... oh no I didn't let my muse get a word in edgewise for the rest of the dream, i didn't bore him did I?" Bill: "damn, I never noticed the patent process for hurricane lamps was so contentious. There's little dramas everywhere"

When things are going well, their relationship is,

Ford: "I just wanna hear Bill teach me things about the multiverse forever."

Bill: "I just wanna hear Ford think deeply on any topic that crosses his mind forever."

Both of them when they're in peak harmony: excitedly jabbering at each other at 200 words per minute about the stupidest topic you've ever heard, but you'd need a phd in at least two fields to comprehend it

That's love!!!

Ford, having historically been socially shamed: "... am I being weird?"

Bill: "💕❤️💓yeah❣️💖❤️‍🔥"

Sometimes I think about Bill watching Ford in his sleep and being in awe at this human-shaped genius: you with your beautiful electric mind, packed into this soft flawed uneven body. one would never know it from the outside—but you're in there. This genius with a mind like a galaxy. ... and he's like, growing hair and stuff. wild.

[janelovxx]

Tanjiro Kamado Boyfriend Scenarios ♡Love Language (♡

Fluff

Tanjiro Kamado x Reader

✧⁠*⁠。✧*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*

Dating the selfless, the greenest flag, and a slayer who's constantly in danger got to be the most amazing and stupidest thing you have committed to at the same time. His kind hearted nature never fails to amaze you but it comes to the point where it is frustrating because of his selfless nature. But are you wondering how he shows his affection to you?

✧⁠*⁠。✧*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*

✧He's your boyfriend? YOU ARE SO LUCKY THEN. What green flag? He's not just a green flag, He is the whole damn forest! His haori is green, he is just such a green flag!

✧ You're wondering what is his love language? HE HAVE ALL OF THOSE. He doesn't prefer any love languages. He does all of them!

✧But if he notice that there's love language that you prefer? He'll take note of that and focus on that even though he rather does all of those languages because he knows you deserve the world.

✧Your love language is words of affirmation? He'll shower you with the most kind, gentle, and compliments!

✧ "You're beautiful as ever!" "Your hands are really cute! Let me hold!" "Wow [Name]! You're really amazing, aren't you?"

✧ You prefer act of service? He's willing to be your slave then!

✧ "Let me do that for you, [Name]!" "[Name], Can i help you please?"

✧ You love quality time? He'll spend his rest days with you and nezuko! If nezuko is sleeping, then you get all of his attention then!

✧"Let's stay a little more longer please?" "Nezuko is sleeping and I want to spend my time with you, [Name]!"

✧You like physical touch? No way! He likes it too! Being safe in your arms or reverse gotta be his priority after a long day of training.

✧"[Name], Can we cuddle before sleeping?" "Can I hug you please? I'm kinda tired.."

✧ receiving gifts is your affirmation? No problem! Though he prefers giving you handmade gifts like letters and paper flowers! He genuinely believes that handmade gifts are made with heart and love and he'll never fail to put effort on little gifts he'll always make at night.

✧ "I hope you like this ..I just made this but i hope you appreciate it!" "[Name], this is not much but here- Don't read it yet though!"

✧⁠*⁠。✧*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*

After a long day of harsh and demanding training, Tanjiro wants nothing but to be in your presence once more. He knows you won't be back before him, so he patiently waits for you after your training.

Once you arrive, he immediately hugs you, wrapping his arms around your waist and snuggling on your shoulder.

"welcome back! [Name]!"

After settling both on your futon, where Nezuko is asleep just beside the two of you. Both you and Tanjiro lay down as you cuddle to him. He's caressing your cheeks, staring in your eyes, pouring his love for you.

"You're really stunning... beautiful..How can I get so lucky to have you?"

"How can I get so lucky to have you!"

"No, You!"

"No, You!"

You both laughed at the stubbornness of the both of you as you smile at each other.

"I'm so lucky to have you, [Name]."

[beanghostprincess]

I feel like the minute Luffy gets a crush on someone he panics and straight up hates it. It's like why am I acting so weird like it's just Zoro/Saji/ usopp!!! Every time they compliment them or smile at them, he has to cover his face with his hat. He starts laughing like an idiot and makes terrible comebacks. All of his confidence and stupidity turns into awkwardness and self-consciousness. He's straight up not having a good time.

Luffy would kill himself on the spot. He instantly just jumps into the fucking sea.

Zoro: Something something, of course, my captain Luffy: I- Haha. My heart is beating funny. Haha. Give me a moment, Zoro! <3 *literally just jumps into the water* Nami: LUFFY WHAT THE HELL??? Luffy: Glupglupglupglup

He knows what a crush is, he's not stupid. He just doesn't fucking want it because he doesn't know what to do with so many overwhelming emotions so he genuinely goes to Chopper to make it go away. Chopper is confused af because he genuinely doesn't know what a crush feels like exactly and he thinks Luffy is going to die of a weird illness so he PANICS. And if this happens casually when Law is around (make it around wci), he can't just take it anymore:

Law: Luffy, for the tenth time, you're not fucking sick. You just have a crush on your cook. Luffy: Torao you're the worst doctor in the world!! You're wrong!! I hate this!! Law: Yeah, well, people normally hate it. Deal with it. Why am I even helping you here- Luffy: MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!! Law: I CAN'T MAKE IT GO AWAY YOU FUCKING MORON THAT'S A YOU PROBLEM. IT'S NOT A MEDICAL CONDITION. Luffy: Then take my heart and just??? Throw it away??? Law: I am going to kill you with my bare hands. Luffy: Please? :( Law: Luffy, I swear to God-

The poor thing is so lost and he gets really overwhelmed by absolutely nothing. Like. Genuinely nothing- And the girls are always there to help him out, but sometimes it's just such a funny sight.

[Luffy sitting with Robin on deck and watching the crew just do their things. Usopp practicing his aim and new inventions in front of them] Usopp: Hey, Luffy! Check this out! *does the stupidest most sexiest thing in the whole world because he just looks hot af when he's shooting at stuff* Luffy, blushing uncontrollably, covering his face with his hat and dying from a heart attack: Jndjkandeuiwbkwendknjdkjs *Incoherent noises* Robin: Are you alright, captain? Luffy: Make it stop, Robin :( Robin: Haha, I'm afraid I can't do that. Usopp: Luffy??? Robin: He says it's really nice!

And a little bonus:

[Red Hair pirates and the Strawhats finally meeting and throwing a party together] Luffy: And then Zoro cut that guy in half like it was nothing! It was the coolest thing ever, right, Zoro? Zoro: I would go to hell and back for you, captain, and that's the anecdote you tell him? Luffy: I- It was a really cool fight! Shut up, captain's order! Don't say things like that! Zoro: Mm. Shanks: Oh. *Turns to Beckman* When were you gonna tell me the kid is down bad for his first mate? Benn: Congratulations, you got one out of three. If you guess who are the other two, I'll let you drink more than usual today, captain. Shanks: *Blushes uncontrollably* Chopper: Oh no!! You're sick too??! Shanks: What do you mean, funny reindeer? Chopper: Luffy does that when he's around Sanji a lot!! Shanks: :) The other is Black Leg. Benn: Not fair at all.

[bloggingboutburgers]

I don't think it's really a holdover when having kids is still technically an "important" thing to do for your own survival. I live in a first world country but your kids are still the primary people responsible for taking care of you in your old age, and the more of them you have, the better it is for everyone involved to split the around-the-clock care duties and expense. If you don't have kid then you better be rich, or else you are screwed. And even then, not having a next of kin to make decisions for you at that age if you lose the coin flip and get dementia is a real problem. I'm anxious about this, being someone who is an only child currently dealing with two aging parents all by myself, and knowing I will not be having any kids of my own and probably no partner, either. Society is harsh on the elderly and that needs to change for us to finally be truly free of the unnecessary pressure to procreate.

That's very true. It's a horribly cold conendrum that goes down to the stupidest meanest instincts of mankind, it seems. Society is harsh on the elderly and won't bother with them, so kids are made not to be their own people, but as a monetary and care-giving safeguard for the elderly... It's cold. It's seriously cold. And it's 100% fair to dread that upcoming left-to-one's-own-devices mentality. It's pretty awful because nobody wins with that kind of systemic thinking.

[vividvivy]

HELLO VIVY!!!! I WISH THAT YOUR WORK WILL GET THE LOVE IT DESERVES! It's nice to see you here! <3 Congratulations!

I was just gonna ask if you have any headcanons about Fredrinn from mlbb? If you don't know anything about him its no problem you dont need to answer, most of the players are not interested in him 😭

THE HEADCANON CAN BE ABOUT ANYTHING! Anything you have in your mind! (Theres no enough content about him im hungry) HAVE A NICE DAYYY (*´︶`*)ฅ♡

Notes: Aaaah my first MLBB request omggg!! But fr!! Fredrinn is such an amazing character, it's such a pity that most aren't too interested in him :( Also, the layout is so ugly oh my gosh.

Character: Fredrinn Vance

Genre/Type: Headcanons

Fredrinn Vance

Fredrinn is a man known for being an excellent appraiser. He is capable of determining the worth of something with just a quick glimpse. 

He is also known for his realistic and candid behaviour.

May appear scary to most, but in reality, he's really goofy and impulsive with people he's close to!!

Would call you up saying he has an amazing idea, but it's the stupidest, riskiest, and most unnecessary mission he planned for funsies.. There's actually something to gain in it but he's gonna GATEKEEP THE LIVING SH*T OUT OF IT AND HE'LL BE REALLY CHEAP WHEN COMPENSATING YOU

Actually pretty nice and socialises, but he scares people when he "looks for friends."

By nice, I meant he'd do you lots of favours, but he'd count every single one of them, and you'd end up owing him a lot since he also added an interest that you were also not made aware of.

^ Remember the time he helped you pick up something you dropped? Yeah, that wasn't for free. Yep, no, nuh-uh, you owe him now.

His views and morals are pretty complex.

Is against House Vance's greediness, but at the same time, he also likes having money and property. 

If you actually ask him for something, he's only down if the money's ready.

Sometimes he actually acts decent, though, and will get you something or do something for you without charging you a month's worth of rent. 

^ Kinda rare tho

I don't know about you guys, but I feel like he'd be the type to think he's smart and "act smart," when in reality he's unironically one of the dumbest dumbfucks to roam the world.

His fridge is almost empty and he has weird eating habits.

He thinks he's hot shit when, in reality, he's a goofy hypocrite at times..

Wants to be serious and promotes seriousness, but would dogshow and embarrass you in front of people for his own entertainment. 

He sometimes, unironically, does the strawberry cow skip. LMFAO I'M SORRY FOR THIS ONE

Once tripped while trying to walk cool when he was younger.

His jokes have such bad timing that it makes your head hurt sometimes. 

VERY DRAMATIC, THINKS EVERYTHING HAS A HIDDEN MEANING AND THAT PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO BEEF WITH HIM. 😭

[thestrangestthing89]

It's not an apology, it's a clarification. He very directly says "you misconstrued what I said" a thing multiple people around here have been trying to say for months. He said this exact same thing in an Instagram post he made a few months ago but people lack the reading comprehension skills to follow something like that. So he said it in a TikTok video again only some people are still not understanding. And it's because they don't want to. (He has recently taken his Instagram post down, I'm guessing because he is getting relentlessly harassed.) The truth of the matter is that many people didn't take the time to understand basic facts about this situation (like what the word Zionism actually means) and the result was that a lot of misinformation spread because people were desperate to make sure their followers knew they were The Most Progressive and The Most Anti-Racist. They did not talk about this issue in a way that was culturally sensitive. They made assumptions about Noah based on anti-Semitic stereotypes and I don't even think they realize they are doing it because, again, they aren't well-informed. But every time someone twists the word Zionism to mean "pro-genocide" and makes the flying leap that anyone using that word is laughing at people dying they are falling into the stereotype that Jews are bloodthirsty. Anytime people say that any Jewish person has the wrong information in this situation and needs to education themselves about their own culture, they are believing that Jews can't be trusted. They did all of these things to Noah and they did it very easily because they are ignorant. These people essentially turned into an angry mob. I can't even count the amount of comments I saw that were basically "I hate Noah too!!! Wait, what did he do? Someone tell me!" They piled on because their peers were doing it and not because they had any clue what the problem was. It was the cool and trendy thing to do so they did it. And they deluded themselves into thinking they were saving Palestinians in the process when they actually didn't do shit for anyone. The only problem is that the people who did this didn't take the time to inform themselves before piling on. Noah didn't apologize to them because he doesn't have to. They owe him an apology though and I think the ones with larger followings are responsible for a lot of this and imo are lucky they didn't get sued for defamation. He didn't do any of the things they are accusing him. They decided for themselves what he thought and believed based on very little information and they have no right to do this to anyone. They seriously think Noah is responsible for single-handedly killing people. He's not in the military or a politician. He didn't even endorse anyone who did. This whole situation is the stupidest fucking thing in the world. They are more outraged over the bullshit they made up about him the actual political situation and it's because they don't actually care. They are using Palestinians as an excuse to say hateful things, but they aren't helping them at all. I don't think Gen Z-ers are realizing that everyone older than them is getting increasingly more concerned about the way they go about their political activism. It's a serious problem and this current political situation only highlighted problems with them that had been occurring for a while now. Relentlessly harassing any Jewish person online for not speaking exactly to your liking isn't activism. Threatening to kill people who disagree with you isn't activism. Trying to ruin someone's career because they didn't act like your parasocial bestie isn't activism. Spamming the comments of everyone's posts with Free Palestine isn't activism and it sure as hell isn't what spreading awareness looks like. That requires being well informed first. Not to mention learning how to have difficult conversations without screaming hysterically at people and shouting that they must be pro-genocide/racist/misogynist/homophobic every damn second just because they said something you didn't take the time to understand.

They need to learn to ask for a clarification before assuming the absolute worst about people. They do this to people in the fandom constantly and it's why no one decent posts here regularly anymore. They are ignorant, plain and simple. But they are so desperate for peer approval and for people to think they are the best activists ever that they don't realize how much damage they do when they behave this way.

The people still pissed at Noah were always going to be. They were always going to pick him apart because they are anti-Semitic and they made that very clear. All he is saying is that people need to understand that both Jews and Palestinians are human and stop taking sides. A thing that anyone with a shred of human decency has been saying for months. The people who haven't been saying this tend to be very young (teens and early 20s) and it's because they fell for a lot of unverified information on TikTok - something that is concerning a lot of people given that it is an election year in the US. All anyone had to do here was listen and they didn't. They are too busy trying to be morally superior to anyone to bother having an actual conversation. They still aren't listening. There was nothing wrong with what Noah said here either. But people are determined to believe that he was laughing at people dying when he wasn't. This literally never happened. They just heard a word they weren't familiar with a jumped to awful conclusions. It's not their place to educate anyone on anything. They are not qualified to do so. And I wish people were smarter about who they were reblogging and weren't so desperate to get more followers by jumping on the bandwagon. They cause so much drama in the fandom constantly by acting like this. This is just the latest example.

The people who think it's now suddenly ok to be violent and homophobic towards someone just because they perceived that person to do something they didn't like, were waiting for an opportunity. They wanted to be horrible and they think they got a reason. They didn't and there is never a reason to behave like this. But it did reveal just how many people in this fandom are horrible human beings. The people who weren't saying this directly were still agreeing with those people and were not better than them. It should have set alarm bells off in their heads that the only people who agreed with them were being vile. That should have been the first clue they were on the wrong side. I wish people learned to think for themselves better. They were clearly jumping on the bandwagon and didn't understand what was going on. And I stand by my comment from a few months ago, we would not be dealing with relentless drama in the fandom if the show had a higher rating. And I do think they need to focus more on their original adult audience again. Most of us do not feel comfortable posting regularly in this fandom when it got taken over by kids who don't understand any of the things they are upset about, but they are upset with everyone and everything constantly. No one came here to babysit.

[team7-headquarter]

Naruto and Sakura are so babies to me BECAUSE they are fucked up off-putting little menaces.

They're the same and it's so funny how they can't recognize it. There's literally no reason for it, there is no connection between them except that they are both protagonists so the story went "Listen, I'm gonna make a pair that is sooooo ridiculously enjoyable to watch because they are sooo weird."

They listen to voices in their head?? Canonically? Both of them were bullied as kids for not being like the rest?? Naruto has freaking whiskers and Sakura pink hair!!! They are so bright and colored it's like a joke to know they want to be ninjas!!!!!!!! They are impossibly loud and bitchy, always up to beat anyone including kids and old people, don't hold back when it's time for mean comments or rejecting people they find ugly or weird, share a total of zero braincells between them sometimes, refuse to see themselves as being less than other people—

I genuinely laugh so hard with them. Remember that time after Kaguya got sealed when Naruto and Sakura panicked over how they'd go back to the real world? They had just saved the world and somehow still had time for their silly antics.

Their summons are (let me check ...) MULTIPLE frogs and a giant snail that can divide into many little versions of herself. They got those summons from their mentors, who happened to be an old man perverted to no one famously known for his erotica writing and a woman known by all for her alcoholic tendencies and being a giant loser that refuses to stop gambling.

You need more convincing? Okay.

Naruto and Sakura are a little perverted as teens and spend 70% of the manga crying. They are so lame in some of their speeches, epic losers from the very beginning because they were the dead last shinobi and kunoichi of their class. When they face a problem, their solution is "I'll beat it up with my own hands". Them in Naruto classic? For sure the stupidest duo around.

Half (or more) of their plans are the worst plans ever and the rest miraculously work so well you have to admit they were cool. They are obsessive and short tempered and even when they are the strongest shinobi and kunoichi duo around, you can't trust they will complete the mission without making it worse first.

... I correct it, they will make it worse first.

On the other hand, you have to win their respect, because they sure as hell won't give it to you out of the goodness of their hearts. They are the best representation of the Will of Fire of the younger generation. No one ever thought Naruto would befriend Kurama like he did, no one ever counted on Sakura becoming a world renowned medic nin, no one thought they would reach that far. They're naive to a fault and they don't fit the shinobi life at all and if they weren't the protagonists, they'd be the first to die or something, but they are the mcs and they are absurd as they come.

I love them sooooo much for all they are and all they are not.

[hellobitchlet]

Thoughts on Kinich's quest:

- from the moment the quest started, where Kinich revealed that Trindad wants to kill the Mountain King, and Paimon and Traveler immedietaly went to "Oh no! Killing = bad!", with no mention of Enjou or Ajaw whatsoever, I knew this quest wasn't going to be as good as I hoped. I don't know why I had hope in the first place.

- I like Kinich accidentally entering a beastly rift and doing his own research on abyss stuff, without automatically knowing the names for things like most characters. It was pretty neat to watch him explain beastly rifts to Traveler and Paimon while referring to riftwolves as "purple dogs". It made me feel like I understood how his brain works a little better.

- actually, the funny thing about Kinich, as a Natlan character, being the one to do this research is that Natlan is the nation that is at war with the abyss. Like. This is literally the only nation where it would make sense for the average person to know what riftwolves are. This isn't reeeally a complaint, I just find it funny.

- I'm really not a fan of how killing the Mountain King was automatically seen as bad despite their suffering bc tradition is 'more important', but to be fair to the main conflict, it would've been much worse if we were supposed to see Trindad as a bad person. The writers didn't villainize him for not wanting his people to die bc of a tradition, and his point of view was treated as equal to the npc's that Traveler and Paimon agreed with, and that is pretty good for a Genshin npc.

- though, I am a little suspicious about how they're suddenly willing to do this for a light skinned npc, when Mualani's quest villainized a brown skinned npc in the same update.

- I do actually like the Turnfire Night plot. One of the only things I like about Natlan is that it combines the abyss lore and nation world building more than other places. I just feel like the writers can't decide whether they want Kinich to be morally gray (sending the MK to the ABYSS just to avoid killing it to Avoid Drama) or have great morals like the rest of the cast (Traveler and Paimon being so focused on killing = bad that they don't have a problem with this).

- I am extremely annoyed at the fact that a decent chunk of this quest was spent helping npc's and giving Traveler over-the-top praise while Kinich did the actually important stuff. I don't care about these guys! I care about Enjou and the abyss! This isn't even about the turnfire night! We already do this kind of stuff in every single world and archon quest, for fucks sake!

- why do we learn how Kinich and Ajaw met from a random npc? Who just brings it up out of nowhere?? Why??

- it's not that important I guess, but Kinich calling Paimon gentle natured was the stupidest thing ever. I can forgive him bc he's comparing her to Ajaw and hasn't seen her be bitchy yet, but please don't tell me that the writers actually see her like that. She's an asshole.

- in comparison to the Turnfire Night plot, what little we got of Enjou and Ajaw was suuuuper interesting. I am loving whatever they have going on (and Ajaw's lore overall), and I wish we got more of it instead of fooling around with less important npc's. I am very glad that Enjou is back, but that makes it sadder that he's probably going to be forgotten about again.

- it took me a second to realize that his name changed to The Thing Calling Itself "Sanka". That's a neat little detail.

- "cliche, I know - the hero's trusted partner sells him out to the Abyss in a shocking act of betrayal. Cue bad-guy speech and drawn-out death sequence..." "Abyss Boarding School" "I could never beat you in a straight-up fight, but when it comes to running away, I won't lose to anyone" Enjou I love you.

- my favorite part of this entire quest is probably the fact that Enjou now, officially, has a relationship to a playable character other than Traveler. And man, is it a fun one. Deadpan, serious Kinich caught between silly little assholes Ajaw and Enjou both wanting to take his body is really fun. If Genshin itself refuses to expand on his relationship to Ajaw and Kinich, then I better see the fandom doing it instead.

- back to the Turnfire Night stuff, it's convenient that the Mountain King isn't corrupted anymore and decided to live. I wonder if the ending was just done like that bc the writers weren't sure what to do with a story where one side isn't necessarily wrong. Overall though, it's not that bad, just boring.

I'm enjoying making these overall thoughts posts. Maybe I should make more? There's no guarantee of me doing every single archon quest and story quest, though. Especially when I'm focusing on both Genshin and hsr.

[summer-nights19]

Omertá part 3

Romeo Scorpius Lucci x fem reader Part 2

As you were eating breakfast in the cafeteria the morning after your deal with Romeo, your phone buzzed from a message notification. Trying not to sigh, you opened it. Who could be bothering you this early in the morning

Unknown number: This is Romeo. Come to my office immediately after finishing breakfast so we can discuss your work for the next week.

You: Ok. How did you get my number ?

Romeo: I'll explain later. Stop wasting time and hurry up.

You put your phone back in your pocket, growing increasingly exasperated. The day had barely started and you already had a feeling it wasn't going to be an easy one. Unfortunately, it couldn't be helped, so after finishing up your coffee, you headed back to Sinostra and straight for Romeo's office.

Once you reached the door, the usual guy standing on guard waved you in dismissively. You assumed Romeo had informed him you'd be coming ahead of time.

"You're late, Y/N. In the future, if I call you to my office, I expect you to be there within five minutes of me sending the message,"

You tried to keep the irritation out of your voice. After all, this was still the man who could technically decide to kill you at any point.

"Mr Lucci, this campus is enormous. Unless I somehow develop the ability to teleport, how am I meant to go from one place to the next in five minutes,"

Romeo glared at you. Looks like you weren't the only one who was irritable in the mornings.

"That's not my problem. Also, it's Fico. I despise being addressed as Mr Lucci- it was my father's title, and I share nothing in common with that WTWUT,"

"WT what ?" What was it with this man and abbreviations ?

"Wall to wall useless trash, obviously," Romeo rolled his eyes at you as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and you sent a sharp glare in his direction.

"From my experience, Mr Lucci, all men of your ilk are the same. If you want to be called by a different title, you'll have to prove that you're different,"

Gritting his teeth, Romeo scowled. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see him clenching his fist around his expensive fountain pen.

"You'd do well to remember that I can still do whatever I want with your life, Y/N. Keep talking back and you'll see what happens,"

Glowering at him, you took a seat at his desk and decided to leave it at that.

"Why did you call me here ?" You tried to keep your tone as calm as possible, which was no easy task. Apparently, the Sinostra vice captain could get under your skin just as much as you could his.

"I'm here to discuss your work for today. If our agreement is to amount to anything, you should try to become familiar with how the Casino works. We still have an hour before we open officially, so read this,"

Romeo reached under his desk and took out a thick, leather bound notebook, which he thrusted in your direction. As you skimmed through it, you frowned.

"What is this ?"

"The full record of business activities, investments, costs and profits for the last six months. I'd recommend you read it before you start working,"

"Before ?? You mean I'll be doing something other than studying this tome all day ?"

Romeo sighed, and he glared at you as if you'd just asked the world’s stupidest question.

"Obviously ! You will experience all the positions in our casino. In the morning, you'll do all the front of the house work - that includes card dealers, cleaning, and waitressing. Then, in the afternoon, you'll experience some of the less ... public positions with a few of my underlings. You'll just be picking up cargo and dropping something off to a customer, so even you could manage that,"

You looked at him, trying to work out if he was joking or not, but when you met his gaze, his face was completely deadpan.

"You're trying to say that I need to do all that work today ? That would take like eight employees !"

Romeo slammed his hand down on his desk, causing piles of documents to collapse and flutter to the ground.

"Be silent ! If you want to live, you'll follow my orders,"

Taking a deep breath in, you looked down at the notebook and started to study it. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. You saw Romeo smirk to himself out of the corner of your eye as you started skimming the notebook, but you decided a reaction wasn't worth the effort.

After about half an hour of silent study of the records, you cleared your throat.

"Mr Lucci, I think I've located a potential issue. A lot of your slot machines have people winning too frequently, so you're not really making much of anything from them. If I had to make a rough estimate, I'd say halving the odds would maximise your profits. Also, with the roulette table-" you completely lost your train of thought as you noticed how Romeo was looking at you. His face was almost the same unreadable mask he'd worn last night, but now, he looked kind of interested, maybe even a little impressed. You could see a smirk forming on the corners of his lips.

"Keep going, BB. For once you're saying something of value,"

Deciding to ignore the jab, you resumed your explanation of how he could tweak the casino games to maximise his profits,trying to give him rough estimates where possible. By the end, he was fully smirking, and his face almost seemed to have lost some of that coldness.

"I knew you could be useful if you tried hard enough. Good girl,"

You felt your face heating up as he praised you, so you decided to avert your gaze. Maybe you were coming down with a fever after the stress of the last few days.

"Also, Y/N, you should take this. I can't stand seeing your hands in such horrible shape," This time, Romeo took out a jar from one of his desk drawers and placed it next to you.

You looked down. It was luxury hand cream, imported directly from Italy. Trying not to laugh, you thanked Romeo and put it on your bag. He did seem like the kind of person who would want to get everything from back home, no matter how expensive and impractical.

"Maybe I do have a last bit of advice, Mr Lucci. You should stop spending so much of your earnings on fancy trinkets and reinvest some in your casino," this time, you were the one smirking, your eyes glinting with silent laughter as you finally looked up at Romeo.

"I also have advice, BB. Keep such useless and ridiculous insights to yourself. Now leave, they're expecting you at the roulette table in five minutes,"

Rolling your eyes, you slung your bag over your shoulders and walked out of the office, mentally preparing yourself for the start of what was sure to be a very long day.

Masterlist

[mueritos]

Hi, Matteo! So, I have just about the stupidest question to you as a fellow transmasc artist/creator: whenever I find myself trying to create a female character, I end up struggling with forming the idea of her personality and motivations etc in my mind, and then when I try to sort look at the character from different angles to 'get' them, boom! My hand slips and they're genderfluid now, or nonbinary, or transmasc, or transfem. The point is, they're never a cis woman in the end. No issues with male characters, cis or trans. Is this a common experience for other trans/nb creators? Or is it a 'default misogyny instilled in us all by society' thing? I just want to be able to create female characters too! and I kinda feel like an asshole for not being able to. So, I'd love to hear your thoughts on that!

this isn't stupid at all! first of all, it's entirely fine if you only want to draw and create trans characters. It's also okay that you have preferences toward certain characters. I hilariously fall into this same problem of struggling to make female characters, because my attraction toward men makes me want to always create gay/MLM centered stories. My brain is giving very much "no women no girls this is...The World of the Gays" image. But here's the thing, what you draw and what you choose to invest your creative energy into doesn't say anything moral about you. I would say things start becoming more complicated depending on the intentions behind art, how characters are depicted, and the harm it may cause to others (example, racist depictions of characters, colorism within art, etc).

However, it sounds like you do want to make female characters, specifically cis female characters. I struggle making cis female characters too, and i don't know if you relate, but after many years of being forced to be a Girl and to be Feminine, I now avoid situations or things that make me feel like I'm going back to GirlMode. But, it's important to remind ourselves that this avoidance can become maladaptive and prevent us from opening ourselves to new experiences. You're not an asshole, and clearly you care enough about making diverse art because you're trying to seek different perspectives.

my thought process when making female characters is essentially the same with all characters, but there are many characters I have intentionally chosen aspects of themselves that i do not relate to to push myself. It sounds like you need to make a decision to keep a cis female character and protect her from your transgender mind beam haha. Give her something you relate to, like a hobby or a lived experience or an outfit you like, and perhaps it can help alleviate any feelings of wanting to push your connection to her through shared transness. Another thing you can do is base her loosely off a cis woman in your life! I've done this before and it prevents me from changing her gender, mostly because I feel like it would be disrespectful to make them trans if they're based off someone I know haha. Or, if you still want a trans character in proximity to her, give her a trans friend, sister, cousin, partner, or enemy! That way the dynamic is not just based on their relationship, but also their different genders :)

also, don't worry if you're being misogynistic or not. every character you make may have some form of a stereotype or some "problematic" aspect. I have a cis female character who falls into the "wants to get married and only things about men stereotype", but she is brave and often far more driven than the men and women in her life because she cares about the man she loves (enough to break from her social status and become a fighter to save him). I ALSO have all kinds of trans characters I created just to lewd them up, and I know for sure there's probably someone out there wagging their finger at me and saying i'm "fetishizing" trans people. I also like to draw the occassional cute girl because I think women are beautiful and I admire the ways I see the women in my life carry themselves. My point is, characters are flawed because WE are flawed and we internalize a lot of messaging from the world. as long as you are seeking our ways to re-learn messaging and incorporate that into your work, you're doing enough. There exists no perfect squeaky clean un-problematic non-stereotypy character ever, because we all aren't squeaky clean un-problematic non-stereotypy people.

hope that helped ^-^

[scenetocause]

⭐star⭐

ah thank you anon!!! i'm gonna do climb up to your lips because altho i already did the logan ask i have an embarrassing number of thoughts and feelings about. my own fic. good god. but specifically about girloscar and i've been really fighting the urge to write a bit from her perspective because it's unnecessary authorial indulgence but also whatever, doing it for free aren't i.

Oscar's going to fucking die. They can't seriously be making them play Twister, this is like some sort of torture. The team shouldn't be torturing them, they're meant to be driving F1 cars soon. If she DNFs this weekend it's absolutely on marketing.

She says it to Mark, who tells her it's just a bit of fun, mate. Don't worry, he's probably shit at it. Which tells her Mark doesn't know anything about Lando Norris because the guy can contort into a shapes Oscar's never seen before but now very much haunt her dreams even when he's just meant to be sitting in a press conference chair.

It's not fair, being given a hot teammate. She could've had someone weird and awkward like Esteban but the need for a seat, to secure her future, was too strong to worry about the other side of the McLaren garage until she was there and it was suddenly her problem.

Lando's really nice, too. Helps her out, isn't anything like as annoying as she'd expected him to be. He's taken to spending meal times with her and giving her bits of his food and things, probably because he's a fussy little bitch but Oscar still appreciates it. The company, the way he doesn't seem scared of her being a girl, the sort of sad illusion he could be her boyfriend or whatever.

Logan says it's just teammate stuff, that him and Alex do that kind of thing, too. But Oscar's pretty sure Logan's never had Alex bring him a hot chocolate and a brownie just because it was a bit chilly in the sim room that morning. She doubts Logan is having to play Twister with him, either because Williams is a humane team with sane people doing their PR.

Sweating her way through a game of who can look the stupidest between her and the world's hottest, bendiest man has got to be some circle of hell. At one point she somehow ends up having to stick her arse practically in his face and she wishes she'd worn jeans, even if that might make it even worse, just in case he can see her whole bush up the leg or something.

When she admits she's in a world of trouble it's not just because she has no idea where her left foot can go now. Trying not to look Lando in the face is fruitless because he's giggling and keeps wriggling around, getting her attention so she'll laugh with him. Maybe it's awkward for him, too, having some girl he'd rather not touch having to climb all over him.

She knows she doesn't have a chance with him, that he's just being friendly. Lando dates models, influencers, whatever. Pretty, little girls with long hair who tell him he's big and strong or something, not someone taller than him. She can compete with him, not instagram hotties.

It's fine. Oscar could probably get her own instagram hottie if she liked. Or some guy who worked in finance, could look after her future. Handle all that shit, probably be nice enough to her. Mark was suggesting it the other week, that that'd be a good way to plan things out and Oscar's practical enough to know it makes sense.

It's just that she's being really stupid about being in love with Lando Norris. And guys in pinstripe suits make her pussy dry up.

Wanting things comes naturally to a racing driver. And usually there's a set way of getting them: be good enough, win. It's just that she's not going to magically become half a foot shorter, skinny and with a lingerie deal any time soon, so that's not an option.

"You're not putting your foot between my legs." Lando's blushing, mouth wet and panicky-open, like he's going to make one of those screeching noises she shouldn't find cute.

Conceding is the only option. Because Lando's not just laughing, his voice is a croak and he looks - obviously, he's not but - like he's turned on. Like Oscar could push him back onto the mat and kiss him and he'd wriggle and moan just as much as he is now. Like he'd want her to touch him and she knows he doesn't, would probably freak out if he knew the way she thinks about him.

(face down in a pillow, getting fucked raw, that flush high on his skin while he's making all his weird, whining noises and begging to come, still begging for her to hold him afterwards so she can stroke his sweaty curls - it's started invading her thoughts at the worst times, like right now)

Limbo is even worse. She's shit at it and he could probably get under something an inch off the ground. It's awful, Prema challenges were never like this; she might not know how to cook eggs but at least Rob didn't, either.

Lando's clearly insane because he's won both the first rounds, has got this challenge in the bag, except he makes the third one all or nothing. By this point, Oscar had figured it'd probably be slime wrestling or something equally awful but instead they get to sit down and play jenga like relatively normal people.

He absolutely lets her win. Which is shit, as she explains to Logan later.

"I think he just wanted to get away, y'know? Like, obviously he doesn't want to spend time with me, that's fine."

Logan raises his eyebrows, fringe standing on end where he's been running his hand through it. "Didn't you just say he followed you to your driver room and talked about Halo for twenty minutes?"

"Well, yeah but I think he was just hiding from Sophie." And they'd had hats to sign, so it sort of made sense to do it together.

Logan sits back, stretching his legs out in front of him and crossing his arms. "You know how many times Alex has been in my room?"

The fuck would she know that. "No?"

"Zero. Nada. Zilch." Logan looks smug, for some reason. "I've never been in his, either."

"So?" Clearly Williams have different rules. It's not like they're in Logan's room now, sitting out on the patio in front of the motorhome nursing sparkling waters.

"I am just saying," Logan's grinning, like he knows she isn't going to listen to him and thinks it's hilarious. "That doesn't sound like a guy who doesn't want to spend time with you."

[thunderhel]

Fratt Week Day 1 - Blood

Pairing: Frank Castle/Matt Murdock Word Count: 2089 Rated T Tags: Canon-Typical Violence, Blood, Not quite actually Fratt yet, More Frank just making some observations

I haven't actively participated in anything fandom or posted any writing in over a year so shout out to @frattweek for giving me the inspiration to actually do something. Even if that something is writing 2k in a day and posting it unedited because it's late and I'm already a day behind 😬

Read on AO3

Frank thought a lot of things about Red.

About The Devil. Daredevil. Murdock. Matt.

All stupid names in Frank’s opinion. Red suited him better.

The Devil was probably the stupidest of all. I didn’t pick it, Frank. Though Daredevil wasn’t much further behind. Again, I didn’t pick it. Murdock was so unfortunate he almost felt bad for little Red, having to deal with that on top of everything else life had heaped onto him. I genuinely can’t tell if you’re just trying to be rude or if you’re actually just racist. Matt was too human. I…Frank, I am human. You know that right?

Frank knew. He just liked, every now and again, to hear Red say it out loud. Maybe to remind Frank, but maybe also a little to make him remind himself.

They didn’t always fight together. They didn’t even frequently fight together, but sometimes things just lined up in a way that Frank refused to classify as either good or bad, and they ended up on the same trail.

It had been the same shit as always, just under a different name. Drug dealers this time. The real deal, not kids trying to be inconspicuous in the alleyways, but the main runners, meeting suppliers at what was supposed to be an empty warehouse. The drugs weren’t the reason Frank nor Red were really after them, but putting a stop to that felt like a bonus.

They’d split up shortly after they’d arrived, Red slipping in through an open window, high enough it hadn’t been considered a priority to guard, while Frank had taken the perimeter, eliminating any threats -with beanbag rounds, Red, don’t be a bitch about it- before they could notice anything was amiss inside.

The bored guards outside hadn’t been an issue, but the armed security just past the bay doors had given Frank a bit of a run for his halfhearted promise to try to use nonlethal force. The problem was, nonlethal was much more difficult and time consuming than simply painting the concrete with brain matter, which meant Frank was slightly behind schedule when he finally made it to the sounds of Red’s fight.

He had intended to be backup, and he didn’t intend on slouching the responsibility. Frank took up his position alongside a wall of half broken crates, the stock of his gun pressed hard to his shoulder just in case anyone seemed about to slip past Red’s defenses, but he doubted he would be needed. Not with the way Red was fighting tonight.

It’s something my dad used to say, Red had told him one night, speaking low and slightly detached, the way he always did whenever he shared something about himself. About his past. There never seemed to be any rhyme or reason to his sudden decision to share. Frank half wondered if he was just talking to himself when he did, forgetting Frank was even there. When he’d go dead eyed in the ring and just turn into a monster as he beat the shit out of the other guy. He called it ‘letting the Devil out’.

Frank had never met Red’s old man, and he knew exactly three facts about him. He was a boxer, Red had loved him more than anything in the world, and if his version of letting the devil out was anything even close to Red’s, he was a fucking force to be reckoned with.

Because Red didn’t act like that devil business was a metaphor. Red was a fucking demon when he fought.

For everything he’d done and everywhere he’d been, Frank knew he’d never seen anything move the way Red fought. He moved like he was created to fight, like everything else he could possibly do with his life was just tossed on at the end like a bonus if he ever got bored of the incredible way the universe had decided to put him together. Every move was coordinated, almost liquid in the way he ducked below punches and arched himself out of the way of kicks.

Everything about him was power and speed, moving in ways Frank knew he hadn’t been able to bend at even in his prime, before delivering hits hard enough that Frank could hear the other guy’s bones snap from across the room. A pipe flew clumsily past Red’s head and he dispatched of its thrower so quickly, Frank wasn’t even sure exactly what he did to get the guy to make that exclamation of pain before he was slumping to the ground in a spray of blood.

A few drops of it hit Red’s chest plate, but the marks were lost among the myriad of streaks already decorating it. The red and black of his stupid devil suit made it hard to tell what was clean and what was filthy with blood, but the entire picture came together to create something so unsettlingly otherworldly that it hardly mattered. Blood streaked across his mask and was running over his chin, either from a lost tooth or a broken nose, or maybe none of it was his at all.

The bandages on his hands were a darker red, the color so thick it looked like they’d been dyed and not just stained. Blood was flecked and splattered across his chest, the wet spots glowing against the matte red and black. It was running down his chin, dripping onto his neck in a way that reminded Frank of an animal after a hunt. If he had turned right then and had taken a bite out of one of the men on the ground, Frank couldn’t say he would have been too terribly surprised.

Red tilted his head in that unnatural way he had, assessing the last man lying prone at his feet, or maybe the room as a whole. His shoulders were still hunched, fists curled at his sides as he remained locked in fight mode, his body clearly uncertain how to proceed without something else in front of him to punch. His lips curled back in what might have been a grin or a snarl or maybe just an animal reaction to the adrenaline still coursing through him.

Frank, for all his flaws, was 100% human. There was no mutation, no alien DNA or secret government experiment gone wrong. Just normal government black ops shit that went sideways and a stupid jarhead they’d tried to make a patsy. Just a human man with a short fuse and the memory of his daughter’s limp weight in his hands and nothing left to lose.

Red was a different story.

This was why he couldn’t call Red Matt. Matt - Matthew- was a human name. A normal name for a normal man, and Frank for all of his eye rolling at Red’s choir boy bullshit, didn’t think he would ever fully be convinced that Red was human.

Frank could see it in the way he moved, the way he slipped when he stopped talking. When he stopped trying to force himself down into that tiny box whose walls were made of religion and society and legality. When he let the devil out and went out hunting for blood.

He’d never tell him, had to keep the thought down low, but Frank thought he understood why Red didn’t kill. Not because God told him it was wrong, and not because of the law or whatever other bullshit Red liked to tell whoever had to listen to him talk about it. No, Red didn’t kill because of that animal thing inside of him.

He didn’t kill, because Frank was almost positive Red might like the feeling a little too much.

Red didn’t kill, because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop.

It had to have only been seconds, not more than a brief pause in the chaos of the night, but Frank felt time slow down for the first time in a while as he stared at Red’s form in the half light, his chest rising and falling with the effort to breathe through the fight he’d just finished.

In those brief seconds Frank thought of the leopard he’d once seen while on tour, dragging a carcass up a tree. Thought of the way its fur had shown in the sunlight and the blood had marred those distinctive spots. He thought of the sound his old man’s GTO had made when it started up, that deep vibration that echoed in his chest. He thought of the glint of moonlight on his Ka-Bar, the kick back of his gun against his muscle, of the look Maria gave him over her shoulder the first night they spent together.

The last one kicked him back into reality, and he cleared his throat, spitting the taste of copper out of his mouth before he lowered his gun. Red’s head jerked the other way, a dog picking up a scent, as Frank finally approached.

He could forgive himself for the mix up of his thoughts, blaming it easily on the adrenaline and the scent of blood in the air.

He thought of that leopard again, of the way its muscles had moved beneath its fur as it had dragged its prey up that tree. Of Red’s fist slamming into the jaw of an idiot who didn’t know when to get out of the way. With a silent prayer of an apology to Maria, he begged her to understand - it was hard to see a predator move the way they did and not think it was a thing of beauty.

Frank had meant to grab Red’s arm, try and jerk him out of whatever blood fueled stupor he’d lost himself in, but his hand landed instead on the side of Red’s face, thumb pushing hard against his jaw as it swept through the blood not yet dried against his stubble. If Frank still felt fear as strongly as he used to, he might have been worried about getting bit.

“Easy there, Alter Boy, they’re down for the count.”

Red exhaled low and long, and Frank watched the struggle happen. Watched as Red tried to fight back that inhuman part of himself to resemble something decent. He made a sound almost like a huff - like he knew he should be annoyed with Frank but was going through the motions just because he thought he should. He didn’t pull away from Frank’s hand.

The idea of Red, of this wild cat in the shape of a man, tucked into a suit and tie and handing over legal documents at the courthouse and calling a judge ‘your honor’ was almost a joke.

“Not for long,” Red finally managed, his voice low and thick. “We need to get going.” He titled his head in a way that if Frank wasn’t careful, he might have said seemed like he was pushing further into Frank’s touch.

Frank thought of the heavy weight of a knife in his hand and the smell of gunpowder. He tried not to think of Maria’s skin beneath his fingers as he dropped his hand to Red’s shoulder.

Red was still tense, still poised to pounce at the slightest provocation. There was a hum beneath his skin, stronger than blood but not quite animal enough to call a growl. It burned beneath Frank’s fingertips, under muscle and blood and bone and leather. He squeezed once before he let go, but knocked their shoulders together as he turned.

“Then let’s get fucking going.’

Red gave a sharp incline of his head instead of a nod. He leaned away and spat a spray of blood, some of it flecking across the face of another man on the ground. The blood was bright red, a superficial wound in Red’s mouth, nothing to distract Frank from the blood still humming too fast through his own veins.

With a swipe of the back of his sleeve, Red halfheartedly cleaned his mouth before straightening back up. When he turned back to Frank, the pull of his lips couldn’t have been anything other than a grin, wide and vicious and sliding straight through Frank’s chest.

“Let’s get fucking going,” he echoed back, voice low and too excited for the amount of blood still smeared across his pale skin. His footsteps were almost silent as he led the way back out.

Frank slung his gun back into position, finger on the trigger and stock his shoulder, focusing on the weight in his hands, and not the sound of echo of Maria’s soft sigh against his ear.

[jemshopes]

Cooking Lessons || Yoonjin

--Yoonjin Fake Dating AU

“Yoongi-yah, he’s not going to take you back just because you learn how to make a decent bowl of kimchi stew.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Relationships aren’t fixed with food. If you really want him back you need to make him jealous.”

* * * 

Yoongi has never thought of himself as one of those pathetic, desperate people who fall apart the moment their boyfriend breaks up with them, but it turns out he’s exactly one of those people when his boyfriend of five years leaves him, his parting words a cruel stab at Yoongi’s abysmal cooking skills. 

Yoongi doesn’t know why those particular words stick with him, but he finds himself at Kim Seokjin’s dorm room a week later—Seokjin being a friend of a friend who Yoongi has only met a few times at off campus parties and on the odd occasion when Jimin has had to stop by Seokjin’s dorm to pick something up, but who Yoongi has always liked spending time with and who is quite a talented cook—asking him for cooking lessons, either to prove his now ex-boyfriend wrong or to delusionally attempt to get him back. Seokjin rightly tells him that their relationship problems—their breakup—cannot be fixed by Yoongi learning to cook. Yoongi's ex left him for a multitude of reasons far bigger than his mediocre cooking. If Yoongi wants his ex back then he has to think far bigger too. Seokjin's plan—although perhaps just as delusional as Yoongi's—is far bigger. It's utterly ridiculous. And it just might work.

“If you really want him back you need to make him jealous,” Seokjin says matter of factly, crossing his legs where he lounges in his desk chair like a bond villain. All he’s missing is a fluffy white cat to stroke. 

“How am I supposed to do that?” Yoongi asks. He just wants some cooking lessons, so he can crawl back to his ex on his hands and knees and show him he’s improved and grown.

“Pretend to date me,” Seokjin says, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. “We'll make a show of it and he’ll see what he’s missing and come running back to you.” 

“I'm not pretending—that’s the stupidest idea I've ever heard.”

“My idea is brilliant. No one wants a pathetic loser, Yoongi-yah, and if you learn to cook just so you can beg him to take you back because you’ve changed then you’re going to be one pathetic loser. And I can’t be friends with pathetic losers. And we were just becoming friends.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes. “Because faking an entire relationship is what cool people do?” 

“No,” Seokjin says. “It’s what geniuses convince someone to do when they’re on the verge of becoming pathetic losers. People love things they can’t have, Yoongi-yah. It's why you want him back so badly. Right now he knows that if he snaps his fingers you’ll come running back to him. We need him to think you’ve moved on and that you’re happy and that you’re now a functioning human being.”

“This is ridiculous. Why did I even come here?”

“Because I'm brilliant. That's why. Pretend to date me and he’ll see what he’s missing and you’ll have him back in no time. And, bonus points, your parents won’t have a chance to start pestering you to start dating again.”

Yoongi has never heard such an absurd idea in his life, but seeing Seokjin’s smile and hearing Seokjin’s logic it’s hard to say no. 

“Fine. Whatever. How do you pretend to be dating someone?” 

“You stop frowning at me and start pretending you want to kiss me instead.”

* * * 

Or in which Yoongi’s boyfriend has recently broken up with him and he’s desperate to get him back, so he tries to enlist the help of his best friend Jimin’s friend Kim Seokjin, only for Seokjin to concoct a ridiculous fake dating plan that might just lead to Yoongi developing feelings for someone he never thought he would.

Somewhere between trying to make his ex boyfriend jealous, holding Seokjin’s hand, staring into his eyes, drawing him close, and letting Seokjin put his hands in his back pockets, and the many conversations they share, Yoongi begins to struggle to look at this relationship as just a fake one. When Seokjin kisses him one day in full view of his ex, Yoongi knows he should find the kiss weird. It’s his friend kissing him, not someone he’s attracted to. And yet he finds himself forgetting entirely that they aren’t really dating in that moment. He finds himself almost sad that they aren’t. He finds himself kissing Seokjin with more passion than he’s ever kissed his ex-boyfriend with. 

“Whoa,” Seokjin whispers, pulling back. “Way to commit to the bit.” 

They’re both flushed and breathless. and Yoongi can feel embarrassment creeping through his veins. Seokjin's lips are swollen and it takes every bit of willpower Yoongi has not to stare at them.

“Sorry, I just thought… I thought…”

Seokjin's eyes flicker to something over Yoongi’s head, however. He leans in and kisses Yoongi's cheek and says in a rather loud voice. “I'm going to the bathroom, Babe. Meet you in an hour?” 

Yoongi frowns. “Wh—“ 

Seokjin pokes him meaningfully.

“Oh, yeah, see you. Have fun in the—bathroom, I guess?” 

Yoongi barely has time to collect himself before his ex-boyfriend walks up to him to strike up a conversation. 

“Are you dating him for free cooking lessons or something?” he asks Yoongi jokingly.

Yoongi's ex is kind of an asshole and overhearing some of Yoongi’s conversations with him prompts Seokjin to ask questions, which start conversations of their own between the two of them. 

“Why do you want him back anyway?” 

“I-I don’t know. He's just… I… I love him. He’s been there for me when I needed him.” 

“Yeah, but whenever you two talk you look kind of miserable afterwards.” 

“Of course I do, he hasn’t asked me to take him back yet.” 

“He always says things that kind of put you down.” 

“That's just his sense of humour. I do it too.”

“Really? I've been hanging around you non-stop for almost a month now and you’ve never put me down.” 

“Well… I… it’s just…” 

They talk about many things. They share their hobbies and their aspirations for the future. Seokjin even teaches Yoongi how to cook, although it happens spontaneously one evening when Seokjin comes to Yoongi’s for dinner so they can work out a plan for tomorrow when they’ll see Yoongi’s ex again at the university fundraiser he’s participating in. Yoongi asks Seokjin on the phone what Seokjin feels like having for dinner. And Seokjin laughs and says he’ll bring dinner, don’t worry. And when he shows up he’s got two grocery bags. 

“We’re cooking a decent meal. I've seen the way you eat. And you must be sick of takeaway.” 

“We?” 

“Yes. We. You and me.”

That night Seokjin shows Yoongi how to chop vegetables correctly, how to fry onions without burning them, and how to properly prepare a decent meal. And he does it all with a smile and gentle words of encouragement. They cook, they eat, and they plan for tomorrow. Tomorrow they’re going to pretend to have an argument in earshot of Yoongi’s ex. It will give him the perfect excuse to comfort Yoongi, to begin winning him back. But Yoongi can’t help feeling a twinge of reluctance as they rehearse what they’re going to say to each other. But he pushes that reluctance aside. They have work to do and tomorrow, hopefully, he’ll have his boyfriend back. Nevermind if Yoongi has begun to think about someone else. 

The plan works. Yoongi's ex comes to comfort him and he asks Yoongi to get coffee with him. Once coffee is over he suggests dinner next week and Yoongi agrees. At dinner Yoongi begins to feel small. He doesn’t like his ex’s sense of humour. Or maybe it’s not humour. Maybe it’s just insults. He doesn't like how his ex talks about Seokjin. Most of all he doesn’t like how his ex’s mouth feels against his at the end of the night. He tastes like smoke and he kisses too hard. And he suggests they go back to his place as though he assumes Yoongi will agree immediately. 

“Um, actually, I-I think I’m going to go home,” Yoongi says, breathless, and in the wrong way, from their kiss. “Tonight was great. But… we should take things slow.” 

“Since when have you ever wanted to take things slow?” his ex scoffs. 

“Wh—since now. I don't know," Yoongi says in a small voice, eyes prickling.

“You’re really not coming back with me?” 

“I—no. no," Yoongi says, drawing himself up to his full height. “Thank you, but no.” 

His ex huffs irritably and gets into a taxi. “Whatever.”

Yoongi finds himself on the curb holding back tears. Usually when he cries, he goes to Jimin, but he hasn’t told Jimin about any of this and suddenly it all seems so stupid and humiliating to admit what he’s been doing for the last month. So he goes to Seokjin.

“Hey, how did the—Yoongi-yah, what happened?” 

Yoongi stands in Seokjin’s doorway, his face puckering as tears streak his cheeks. “He just puts me down all the time, like you said,” he whimpers hoarsely. “I didn't want to go home with him tonight and he basically called me easy and said I'd never not wanted to go home with him before.”

“He's an asshole. Come here. Come in. It’s okay.” He draws Yoongi into his arms, into the safety and familiarity of his dorm room. “You’re not easy.”

Yoongi cries embarrassingly loudly. All the tears he hasn’t cried since their breakup. all the tears he should have been crying instead of pouring his energy into trying to make his ex jealous. “I feel so stupid.” 

“Everyone's stupid sometimes. It’s okay.”

Seokjin lets him spend the night. Or, more accurately, insists he spend the night on pain of death. He makes snacks and they watch a film together on Seokjin’s laptop, eating popcorn and nachos and sweets. The worst thing seokjin does is chew extra loudly for a few moments to annoy Yoongi. 

Afterwards Seokjin makes them a very late dinner because Yoongi had hardly eaten anything at the restaurant his ex had taken him to. And they talk and eat and laugh. 

Yoongi takes a shower. As he’s washing his hair with Seokjin’s shampoo, he finds himself thinking that somehow his time with Seokjin tonight has felt like the date he’s been envisioning his ex taking him on. Something perfect and soft and intimate. So when he has towel dried his hair and changed into some old, loose clothes that Seokjin has leant him, he sits on the edge of Seokjin’s bed and looks at him until Seokjin looks up from his phone. 

“Stop staring at me.” 

“I'm not staring. Who—who’re you texting?”

“This guy I met at a party,” Seokjin says. “He’s pretty hot, so I thought I'd give it a try seeing as we’re over now. I mean, unless you want to give it a go for real?” 

Yoongi blinks, a little laugh leaving him. “Y-you’re joking, right?” He doesn’t mean it to come out like that, as though he can’t imagine them ever dating for real. 

Seokjin chuckles and looks away. “Yeah.”

They sleep in the same bed that night, but Yoongi feels miserable for the next few days. He and Seokjin are friends now, but suddenly friendship doesn’t seem like enough. 

Yoongi spends the next week at Jimin’s apartment, wallowing in depression and letting Jimin wrap him in blankets and tell him what a prick his boyfriend was. And how he’s sure Yoongi could work things out with Seokjin and be very happy with him. 

That’s when Yoongi tells Jimin everything. The fake dating. Falling for Seokjin. Not knowing what to do now because Seokjin isn’t interested in him romantically. He expects Jimin to reprimand him or yell dramatically that Yoongi should have told him—how could he leave him out of the most exciting thing Yoongi has ever done? But Jimin listens and then he smiles and he says simply, “Go shower and put on something sexy. We’re going to a party tonight.” 

“I don't want to go to a party.”

“It's not optional, hyung. Now put on some jeans that make your ass look phenomenal. We’re going out. I have a plan.”

Two hours later, they leave Jimin's dorm room, heading towards a party that Jimin knows for a fact Seokjin will be attending. Yoongi's stomach has tied itself in several knots. Jimin's plan is simple. Go in. Find Seokjin. Tell him how you feel. Yoongi hates this plan. Yoongi thinks it's a terrible plan, but Jimin is persuasive and Jimin is pulling him into a house that's vibrating with the force of the music thumping inside of it, a house packed with people and smelling thickly of alcohol. Jimin is craning his neck, handing Yoongi a cup of beer. 

"Drink up, it helps with the nerves," he tells him, grinning. And then, "Oh, look!"

And there is Seokjin. Standing in the corner talking to another man, laughing with another man. Probably the man who he had been texting the night Yoongi slept in his dorm room.

Yoongi turns and leaves the house, wiping away tears. He hears Jimin calling after him, but at some point those calls stop and there's just silence as he makes his way back through the quiet, pretty much deserted part of the university's grounds. Then another voice is calling out to him, footsteps echoing behind him, a hand taking his arm and pulling him to a halt. 

"Hey, I saw you at the party," Seokjin says. "What happened? Why did you leave?"

Yoongi sniffles. "I just thought I could go out and get a guy, but it was all too much for me," he says, smiling softly. 

Seokjin's skin is flushed from running and his hair is messy. He stands before Yoongi, looking like he doesn't quite know what to do with himself. 

"Yoongi-yah, you can't rush these things," Seokjin says. "It's okay to need time." 

Yoongi sits heavily on a bench, shaking his head. "I keep thinking about how much time I wasted on him. And what a prick he was to me. And how all I ever did was waste time wanting him to be what he wasn't. I wanted him to help me learn how to cook instead of complaining about it, you know? I wanted him to just appreciate me and not put me down all the time. I wanted him to, like, put his hand in my back pocket and hold my hand when we walked around together. And I wanted him to stay up half the night talking to me about stuff we wanted to do in the future. I wanted him to care about my hobbies. I-I wanted..." he trails away momentarily as Seokjin sits beside him, listening intently. "I just... I wanted him to kiss me like you kissed me. L-Like he cared it was me he was kissing."

Seokjin's eyelids flutter and he looks away suddenly, his mouth opening and closing. He looks back up at Yoongi, but still he seems to have no words. 

So Yoongi kisses him, tasting alcohol, but not caring because his whole body warms when his lips are pressed to Seokjin's. 

He barely registers how it happens, but they're stumbling up the stairs to Seokjin's dorm room. Yoongi's back is against the door as Seokjin tries to unlock it and kiss him at the same time. They're inside and the door is closed and Seokjin is sitting against the headboard and yoongi is in his lap, their bodies moving together with each kiss, hands fumbling at shirts and belts. 

Abruptly, Seokjin pulls out of the kiss. "Wait. Wait. I... I don't want you to think I'm doing this because I think you're easy or something. I want you to know I like you. I've liked you since the day Jiminie introduced us. I don't want to just sleep with you. I want you to be my boyfriend. for real this time." 

Yoongi hadn't expected this, so for a moment he's as utterly speechless as Seokjin had been before yoongi kissed him. 

"I... I want to be your boyfriend too," he whispers, letting his hips roll against Seokjin's lightly, sending tingles up his spine. "For real this time."