#i'm going to try my best to post every day but

[thebluediner]

MANCHILD BLURB

she was pretty one and had charming crystal blue eyes and seemed to never be in relationships ( completely unrelated to her being a popular girl on campus) which you've preassumed to be because it was a choice. god were you wrong

fucking manchild.

you didn't hate her. you didn't, you were just constantly annoyed and frustrated with her.

she attempted to convince you it's was post honeymoon phase thing but you really think the problem started when you moved in together.

you didn't know she'd be filthy and childish to this extent.

according to you isn't it common sense to wake and open your curtains and windows when you wake up. not, to stay couped up in a room that completely reeked with all the food that has ever made it to the bed. make the bed and make the room look representable not because that's how you like it but because you were sure that's how everybody else was taught growing up, no ?

apart from that billie had no concept of cleaning up after herself whether it was clothes or dishes laying around kitchen counters and the sink. at first you laughed and picked after her but then you would leave for maybe days and come back with everything pretty much crowding the floors and the sinks.

weren't dogs sensitive to smell or some thing because you really did think shark agreed with you on the fact billie was filthy.

yeah you're in college but still you have this feeling that she was spoon fed back at home.

"come on honey what'd you expect she lived in a frat house" you're friends would try and defend her but you weren't hearing it at all.

"so ? I'm not one of her frat sisters I'm her girlfriend" you whined rolling your eyes before crossing your hands on your chest.

what is billie doing for her to be this inattentive. well you'd like to know too because as much as you can gather she sits on that damn chair so much it has a dent playing online games you can't even begin to fathom that makes her shout cuss words over cuss word that you'd wish you could yell at her to get her to finally act right or goes over to her frat house to clean up to throw another one of their parties.

that what pissed you off she knew how to clean she just didn't do it herself in your shared apartment.

you've taken every advice you could especially the one about communication being the best policy.

yeah well when you brought it up she pulled you closer kissing up on your neck to your jaw then softly on your cheek.

"don't stress over it babe my mom's coming this weekend she's got this" billie would say with a smile on her face like that just solved all your problems.

"are you serious?" you ask your face scrunching in confusion because did you really just hear that.

so that was one of it.

another thing with billie was she was too much of a mamas child. you loved maggie. you really did, especially when she was with you individually without billie anywhere near.

god forbid they were in the same room. billie would somehow turn back into being a complete baby and not in a aww that's so cute but in a aren't you too old for that.

the time she was suppose to take you on a date on valentine's day. yeah, she cancelled that to take her mom on the same reservation without you because apparently they restaurant couldn't take an extra person.

the whole car rule thing. the fact that billie's mom is suppose to sit on the passenger seat didn't bother you at all you'd gladly take the back seat. the thing that made you upset was when billie would literally tell you to get out and sit at the back and she was not nice about it.

you'd discuss that with your friends and some were with you and didn't like it but some were more on her side.

"I'd let my mom sit on the passenger side too" one of your friends argues.

"no but to legit tell your girlfriend to get out and go to the back seat and it doesn't end there they ignore her the entire ride" your closest friend defends you.

because really? it's like the second your ass hits her backseat chair you were invisible. you'd try and add in something to the conversation but she'd completely talk over you.

another thing was the amount of weed she smoked for fuck sakes okay maybe not the intake but her actions while she was high.

you get it was college but she was always and you mean always high on something it was either weed , gummies or any other variation she could get.

you'd talk to her about important things like dates she should keep in mind, your feelinge about certain things or how you ask her to do something but she'd totally forget.

her reason behind forget?

"babe I was too high to even hear what you were saying"

trust me the jokes some of the students would make on campus regarding this certain thing were horrific. one time you overhead a group of girls talking about your relationship with billie and one of them said it loud and clear.

"do you think she loves her or is she just high?"

that one stung real hard.

this wasn't a problem when you started dating because you didn't live with her twenty four seven to know how she functioned when she wasn't texting you.

but you didn't smoke so you didn't get any of it as much as a person who smokes would. so you sucked that in.

she sucked at dates too.

her version of a date was her sitting next to you in the lounge area while she moved her gaming to the same room. yeah because laying there not receiving any type of attention is just so ideal for a date.

or another one of her great ideas for a date is when she takes you out to frat parties. the same ones she spends milliseconds with you and disappears to live her jock life inbetween the cheerleaders and her team mates.

the one time you finally planned a date was at the new vegan restaurant ( mind you , you weren't even vegan but you wanted to try this for her) in town but she showed up late and instead of apologising and coming with flowers. she came into the place panting and slidding in the booth with the following words.

"damn I forgot about this, good thing I ran into one of your friends on campus" she says looking at you dead in the eyes like she'd just said the most romantic thing in her life.

"fuck you eilish you're wasting my time" you spat standing up abruptly grabbing your purse.

"baby wait I'm only a couple of minutes late" she stood up as an attempt to chase after you.

"it's been A FUCKING HOUR!" you scream the last three words trying to emphasise how embarassed and fuming you really are.

"woah babe calm down" billie's eyes travel around the room noticing how many eyes are on the both of you right now.

"you know I hate waiting" you accuse her pointing your index finger at her before turning away and leaving the restaurant.

a/n:anyways I love manchild guys !!!!

[literallypyro]

that civet shapeshifter ask was really nice and got me thinking-

What about mercs x reader that can shapeshift into a larger animal like a lion/tiger or bear? (I would personally choose tiger lol i love them) and so reader can really do some damage on the battlefield in their animal form, or be able to do some full-body cuddling cuz their so big (like a dog that tires to be a lapdog even though theyre completely sitting on their owner lol)

I love it, this sounds fun! I'm going with tiger for this one. I'm sorry it took longer to post than I said before. I hope you can forgive me 😖

Hope you enjoy!

Edit: it has come to my attention that this post may be glitched, so if anything is missing for you, message me and I'll send you a screenshot of whatever part it is!

Welcome to the jungle

Scout:

-Are you kidding? This is the coolest thing ever!

-Uses you as a pillow at every possible moment. If you're laying on your side, he's there using your belly like how people set up their pillows as a makeshift chair on their bed

-The first time he sees you tear someone apart, he's just in awe. He's somewhere between falling deeper in love and entirely disturbed

-Literally just standing over here like "why did I like that so much ಠ_ಠ"

-Pretends to be asleep on the couch so you'll carry him to bed

Soldier:

-Please wrestle with him in your tiger form

-Definitely brags about you, let's be so honest

-The feeling of your fur actually comforts him. If he's having a bad day or feels the team is looking down on him, he just asks to put your tiger form

-This also means he'd snuggle into your fur at bed time. He's not really sure what it is about your fur, it's just nice to him

-If he's being too loud, literally all you have to do is lay on top of him like a weighted blanket, and he's zen

Pyro:

-They just see you as a big cat, to be honest. Doesn't really care about the distinction

-Even though they can't feel your fur through, they like to pet your tiger form. Especially when you try laying on them like you aren't a roughly 300 pound murder cat

-Loves the cuffing noise you make when you're happy

-Out of everyone, they would have the easiest time communicating with you while you're a tiger. Do I even need to explain?

-Gets a little tiger plushie to keep on them when you're not around

Demoman

-He was strangely chill about the whole thing. He genuinely doesn't treat you much different in your tiger form

-He does have a couple questions, like if you can eat raw meat and other stuff like that

-Kinda likes when you lay on him when he's doing nothing. Low-key giving those photos of guys with Great Danes that didn't know it was a Great Dane so they let it sit in their lap as a puppy and never kicked the habit

-Please let this poor guy breathe, he's not gonna tell you to move

Heavy

-Arguably the best to cuddle with

-He's a big dude, your tiger form is a bulky cat to him at best, not even a beast of the jungle

-If you start causing trouble, he just throws you over his shoulder and walks away, acting like the claws don't bother him

-Would probably enjoy fighting by your side the most, and would laugh as he recounts your kills with you from least to most brutal

Engineer

-He would ask if he can create a type of sentry he could strap to your back. Just imagine! Mobile sentries would be revolutionary!

-Completely okay with it if you act like a guard dog, both on and off the battlefield

-Probably one of the mercs who would most enjoy cuddling with your tiger form as he falls asleep. He works hard, he carries around countless heavy machinery every single day. He deserves a giant, fluffy, breathing pillow to cling onto

Medic

-Absolutely ecstatic to see what happens when he ubers a literal tiger

-Would stop whatever he's doing to watch you tear someone limb from limb

-Mans is nearly always working on some fucked up medical experiment, so most of the time, cuddles would look like you laying at his feet while he writes in his medical journals or something

-Would honestly ask to run tests on you, but wouldn't push any boundaries for several reasons

Sniper

-Are you kidding? Do whatever you want. Lay on top of him while he sleeps. Who needs air, anyway?

-Stg, he would supply you with raw meat if you eat it in your tiger form

-Lowkey caters to your tiger form

-Would have you guard him in his sniper tower. With your sense of smell, he's basically invincible to spies

-Onther than Pyro, probably the happiest to have a shapeshifting partner

Spy

-Please don't try to sit on him. He wears expensive suits he doesn't want fur on, and he smokes, so you'll be suffocating him

-Would have you create distractions during battle so he could go on a backstabbing spree

-Let's be so honest right now, he would give you a cloaking device so you could use it for psychological warfare against the enemy team. They probably wouldn't expect an invisible tiger

-With enough time, he would eventually give in and let you on the bed in your tiger form. But seriously, please let him breathe

[molsno]

I was living with my ex (already a harrowing start to this post) for about half of last year while I was unemployed, and every month I would drive up to canada to visit my (now) wife for a few days, which was usually around 7-9 hours of driving in a single day, depending on various factors. and so when I came back to my ex's house, I would usually feel some relief to be done driving for the day. you know, I think any reasonable person would think "phew! I'm finally home!" and it was nice, for maybe about an hour or so...

but then it would set in that I was sleeping in a windowless underground room in a mcmansion in the middle of the woods where I might go days at a time without seeing another person, and the people I would see were my ex and her extremely racist qanon mother who made me pay rent (despite having no source of income or savings) while also demanding I do physical labor for her. it was hard to think "phew! I'm finally home!" when it felt much more like I'd arrived in what was likely to become my tomb

I think one of the most shocking revelations about all of this is that I don't actually remember most of my time there. we finally started figuring out our plurality towards the tail end of our stay in that house, and the more time passes, the more I realize our dissociative amnesia was never worse than during those 6 months. that's... still something I'm trying to wrap my head around

that being said, I've been getting better, and so has everyone else in my system. I live with my wife now, and every day things feel just a little bit brighter. and you know what the best part is? I barely ever have to drive anymore

[cmchill]

Highly self-disparaging vent under the cut, regarding my productivity and effort and suitability for hiring.

[softgothbabe]

I think maybe being a person is just really fucking hard

[passthroughtime]

as an update about the ever-changing chapter 7, all i can say is that i'm at the start of the 5th "scene" out of 7 total planned, and

it's not looking good

[wereh0gz]

Is my discomfort with my boobs gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, or just a general discomfort with the sensations of having a human body that comes with possible neurodivergency

[tokyoteddywolf]

22 isn't very much at all, I think.

[toastingpencils37]

Bruh, the ninja's aim with the cannon is fucking ass.

Every damn time.

Lowkey also going to vent in the tags for a minute

[icewindandboringhorror]

Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...

[litchi-tea]

ngl this outfit has gotta be one of my faves

[painsandconfusion]

Writers, here’s your reminder that you should be doing warm-ups!

Athletes need to warm up. Musicians need to warm up. Artists need to warm up. Heck, I even have to play a few matches in video games before I get into a groove every day.

Warm-ups help you get into the right headspace, give you more control of your actions and word choice, get you comfortable in your physical setting (eg: with your keyboard, notebook, tablet, or whatever you're writing with), and spark creativity.

Even if you don’t think you have spoons to write, sit down and do a couple warm-ups. If you still don’t want to, that’s alright. But. I think you’ll be surprised how often they help break that ice.

5-15 minutes is all you need. I personally set a timer for ten minutes each time and do not stop writing until the time is up. Your warm-up can be anything at all so long as it gets you writing and starts nudging those creative juices.

Here's some common warm-ups:

Journaling. Just jot down some notes about your day. Feel free to really lean into something that you noticed. We're going for description and details -- try to avoid settling into a spiral or focusing on something negative that will upset your creativity.

Short story prompts. Type that into Pinterest and pick the most ridiculous, cliche thing you can. Write a little scene, story summary, or even a rant about why you do or don't like the prompt. Just write.

Vocab challenge. If you like a bit more critical thinking to get you in the zone, have a random vocabulary word generator spit out five or so words. Check their meanings and jot down a little story or thought that includes all five. You get more familiar with beautiful and descriptive language, and it gives you a much narrowed prompt (which is lovely if you're like me and suffer each time there's an open-ended task assigned).

Character moments. Try putting your character into a generic setting and write down almost meticulously what their thought process would be. Follow them realizing they've just stepped in mud or dreading the start of the day. Pick a mundane thing and describe them working through it. This will not only get your writing going, but it will wake up the character's voice in your head.

Ongoing storytelling. Did you know that Whinnie the Poo was A.A. Milne's warm up story? He would jot down a quick little story with those very basic characters and did so every day. Whatever came to mind. He kept writing little tidbits on the same characters and eventually it turned into a series. Having that ongoing plot with isolated scenes and simple characters can help you feel more motivated to sit down and write.

Get-to-know-you-questions. Google a list of basic first-date questions (there are a million out there) and answer one yourself. Go into specifics. Where do you most want to travel and why? Let yourself ramble until the question is fully answered.

Writer's block blues. This is a favorite of mine. If you're truly stuck, write about being stuck. Eg: 'I'm supposed to write for ten minutse, but that feels so stupid and impossible. No one is goign to read this anyway. I have no ideas and the page is so overwhelming when its blank. I used to be able to write on and on and nothing could stop me. it was like breathing. but now I have nothign and do nothing and I can't even do a stupid prompt-' Even the rambling and ranting got me writing. It made things easier. It made writing this post easier. Also -- notice the typos? Yeah, don't fix those. You're in writing mode, not editing mode when you're doing this. If you edit while you write, you're forcing yourself to stay in your executive and calculating headspace rather than falling fully into creativity and dream. Ignore the mistakes. That's for future you to handle.

I've officially rambled far too much, but I hope that helps even a little bit. Live well and write often, my friends. Best of luck to you <3

[h1biscusgal]

I fucking entered the void.

Long post ahead!

@premiumbitch I owe u every shit wtf, your method was INSANE?

REMEMBER HOW I TOLD Y'ALL IMMA BE ENTERING THE VOID ON MY BIRTHDAY???? I did it, and guys it's literally the easiest shit idk why some people see it as smth big 💀

I didn't manifest anything, why? Because guess it or not I actually just wanted to be familiar with it, I love how I'm slowly knowing everything is mine, and yesterday I didn't want to manifest anything I just wanted to try the void out especially bc I have been studying sm these days, I wanted a break.

Now I've been eating up that mindset that I'm a master at the void, which let's be obvious, everyone is, they just need to get to the point and slowly realize it, it has to click.

Okay I'm going to stop yapping and fucking get into it 👍🏻, either way, yesterday night, at 1:32 AM or smth, after the day turned 6th April, I got in bed and made myself comfortable, and simply told myself I'll enter the void under 5 minutes, which actually and unsurprisingly, it was the case, I used a standard boring ass method too yk, the one where it's usually always what people do.

On my back, started slow breathing, and i set the intention of keeping myself awake when my body sleeps (best advice I got from idk who it helps sm) and then I let myself sink in the bed for some minutes, like I just laid there, and already I immediately was in the SATs.

So naturally I affirmed for the void, knowing I'm already in there, and mf I slipped in there after two or three minutes of affirming, just saying "I am the void." Or "I am in the void."

I think the reason I actually got out myself or sometimes used to slip in and back, is how I immediately focused on my body signs or anything connected me to myself, so I have a note to myself next time, to allow it naturally happen and focus just on the blackness behind my eyes.

ANYWAYS I STAYED THERE FOR LIKE I THOUGHT 2 OR 3 MINUTES BUT IT WAS A WHOLE WHOPPING 1 HOUR TF, and get that, how did I know it's the void? I just wanted to see stars there and I fucking did 🎀

IMMA GO CRY I FINALLY AM THE CREATER OF MY OWN REALITY.

anyone reading this, babes please don't give up, genuinely don't, I've been in this game for 6 years and I know a lot of people that'll leave for this long, saying they have no patience, girly you can do it if I did, I used to be in SUCH a bad place you can't even imagine, I pulled my shit and started living in the end for 2 months (and no it doesn't take two months, I just was stubborn af and kept slipping in and out my beliefs).

Special thanks to them for keeping my motivation up 💗

@joc3lynn @catherineaboutlife @salemlunaa @premiumbitch @prettygirl444sblog @mercifulstate @shimmershifts @littlemissprettyprincess @luckykiwiii101 @carlyshifts111 (I adore her oml her RAS thing? ATE the fuck up)

And of course can't forget @gorgeouslypink but idk if she's here anymore? And every old blog back in the 2022 and 2020, I adore y'all sm even though I don't have your blog's names 😔🎀.

[hedgehog-moss]

I need to confess something—my last post presented a deceptively idyllic vision of my hike in the snow. I only posted photos from the tranquil walk home at dusk and neglected to mention that I (once again) got lost in a featureless expanse of snow and briefly became convinced I would never find the road again and would have to dig a little den like an Arctic fox to spend the night.

You see, there's this place where Pandolf really loves to go for a walk on snowy days—it's on top of this plateau here:

^ see the fence in the middle, that curves to the left? Nothing bad can happen as long as you follow it. There are lots of landmarks in this direction, like trees, more fences, and a couple of houses.

In the other direction, however, lies The Nothing.

Here's a photo of Pandolf (eagerly) standing near the edge of The Nothing:

Characteristics of The Nothing: it is vast, and white, and becomes more and more featureless the farther you go into it—

��and Pandolf really, really loves it.

Even when he falls into a surprise hole where the snow is suddenly three times as deep (another characteristic of The Nothing), he'll just push himself out in one great powerful jump and keep frolicking.

Or he'll remain in the spot where the snow is deeper and try his best to bury his entire self into it.

He sometimes gets crazy eyes in The Nothing.

We always start this walk with such good resolutions.

We're definitely staying close to the fence this time! With all the lovely landmarks on the left!

And then, inevitably,

Further notes from my studies: • The Nothing has some small plants and rocks, but using them as landmarks is foolish, as they will eventually disappear. • No matter how many foot-, paw-, and dog-headprints you leave and how deep they are, they will disappear before you are able to retrace your steps, probably because The Nothing is always so windy.

Pandolf thinks this is a great characteristic of The Nothing, as it means he never runs out of immaculate snow to dive into.

The wind and the resulting snow mist are the really treacherous things about this place. These photos were taken in roughly the same spot, a couple of hours apart. In the first one, the fence on the left is clearly visible; in the second one, it has started to melt into The Nothing.

There's always a moment when I end up standing in the middle of, well, nothing, with indistinguishable whiteness in every direction, under my feet, above my head, left, right, and I start thinking about writing poignant farewell messages in my Notes app for my family to find at some point in the future.

One last interesting thing about The Nothing is the way Pandolf reacts when I finally find my bearings again and start walking faster, determined to get back to the safety of the road before it gets dark.

Pandolf then just

It's very different than the playful, energetic way in which he normally buries his head in the snow. This second type of burying is clearly a form of protest—if I continue walking away Pan will reluctantly follow me for 20 or so metres, then flatten himself to the ground again, in the same despondent way.

Hypothesis #1: He is trying to play dead like a possum, hoping I will go "well, I can't lug a dead dog all the way home, I'd better leave him here." And then he'll stay with The Nothing forever.

Hypothesis #2: He is trying to lay as flat as possible so as to become all but invisible against the snow. It's unclear if he knows he is the wrong colour for this.

Hypothesis #3: He is trying to commune with The Nothing, burying words of devotion and friendship deep into the snow and promising to return soon.

Conclusion: I'm sorry, I know that's a very long post, but seeing as each of these photos depicts perfect felicity on Earth, I find it hard to delete any. I also like how I intended this post to be about my long disoriented trek through the snow, wondering if I was going to find the fence or the road again before dark—and then I got distracted by how happy Pandolf was. Which is exactly how I end up getting lost in The Nothing every single time!!

[yandere-romanticaa]

Seen the request, so I shall deliver. Could you pls write a drabble or hcs of a yandere sunday with an isekaied reader?

Good timing because I'm actually planning a non yan isekai fic for him, I wonder if you saw that post. Here it is in case you haven't.

Sincerest apologies if this isn't the best, this fic is 100% emotionally charged by my obsession with him and frankly with a little bit of a high for passing a tricky exam. This is a treat for myself.

EDIT: Please check out this wonderful comic that @danijaci made me based off this fic!! 😭🫶

Picking up the cup from the fine oak table, you gazed towards the eerie galaxy before you, hundreds upon thousands of stars giving you a constant reminder of just how far from home you truly were. Taking a sip from the little porcelain cup you could not help but to hum in delight, the soft notes of the tea soothing your nerves ever so lightly as you pretended to ignore the heavy gaze which lingered at the back of your head.

Even from this distance, it was easy to tell that Sunday was eager to approach you. Still, he kept his distance and made a silent offering in the form of the very tea you drank at the moment.

Anything is better than Himeko's coffee but you were never going privy her to that.

In a not so distant past, all of this was nothing but fiction. The Express, the story, the characters - it was all nothing more but fiction, something to pass the time as your days went on and on, the same monotony repeating each and every day.

It was hard to not think about your friends and family, what sane person would not? Lord knows how they must be feeling right now, worried sick out of their minds with indescribable sorrow. In their eyes you had merely vanished, not a single trace to be found. For all they knew you could have been left for dead in a ditch somewhere, beaten, bloodied and broken, never to see the light again or if they were even more inclined to be morbid, you had succumbed to a fate worse than death. Death at the very least grants you finality, that all is over regardless of what happened moments prior.

But that was simply not the case for you.

Here you were, lounging about in a comfortable chair as you pondered on your old life while enjoying tiny little luxuries, far away where none of your loved ones could reach you. However, life was funny sometimes because it had some fun games in store.

Sunday was very kind upon arrival. He made sure to always be there for you, always checking up on you, always there to keep you company. You were already smitten with him but now to actually witness him in the flesh was just... Indescribable. You got along like a house on fire, so much so that the crew liked to tease that you ought to just get a room. Sunday, ever the gentleman, would just brush their words aside and assure you to not take their playful little jabs to heart.

You wouldn't say anything, resorting to merely giving him a smile but not because of what he said but rather of what he did not - never once did he actually shut down those perverse accusations. Never, not even once did he deny them.

He became an emotional crutch, someone to whom you would come running to when things got tough and he would always welcome you with open arms. Sunday would hold you tenderly, his serene voice dripping with honey along with a tender drop of ecstasy, for his excitement with holding you would just show itself sometimes. His grip would be too tight at certain moments, never quite ready to let you leave. His hugs were warm and comforting, he always smelled so good too. He smelled like kindness and sweet wildflowers, always lulling you back to him no matter the time. In dark corners and perhaps even under the watchful eyes of the crew, Sunday would wrap his scarf around your head, securing the soft fabric in order to provide you with a sense of comfort.

It was humiliating just how much you would try to inhale his scent as much as possible. You wanted it etched deep inside your memory, you wished for it to linger on your very soul and for it to follow you everywhere you went, sticking to your being like tar. The fabric of the scarf would muffle your ears a little but someone was always chatting in the background. Be it March bickering with Dan Heng, Mr Yang scolding someone for doing something they were not supposed to, or just Conductor Pom Pom trying to give a speech, all of it was irrelevant.

You were ready to kill whoever would try to pry you away from sweet Sunday. That thought came often which had left you worried - just what kind of person had you become? Regardless, you kept your mouth shut and had no plans of sharing such violent sentiments with anyone, particularly not to the one you held so dear.

When it was time to part for the evening you would bid the crew farewell and wished them a good night. You always made sure to take a few extra seconds with Sunday, just to ease your aching soul. He would tell you to sleep well and would see you in the morning, ready to take on any endeavor that crossed your paths.

As everyone parted ways, Sunday would wander off somewhere dark and distant, somewhere no one could see nor hear him. He would fall to his knees and clutch his chest in agony, fat tears streaming down his face as he did everything he possibly could to steady his raging heart. In a rush he would reach for the scarf which clung around his neck, his grip tighter than iron as he would bring it close to his nose. Taking a large, deep breath, Sunday was greeted by your familiar scent which would promptly calm his poor heart.

He sometimes wondered if his heart would start bleeding from the pain due to the sheer intensity of his emotions.

This was wrong, everything about this was not right and it hurt. Sunday was obviously ill but he had no clue on how to fight this... This emotion, this white hot feeling of need whenever you stood by his side. He started to choke on the air around him and fell into an abrupt coughing fit but even then, he could bring himself to remove the scarf from the lower part of his face.

Sunday wept and sobbed, filthy snot coming out from his nose but he could not handle that now. He needed you, Oh Heavenly Aeons, how he needed you. However was he going to tell you how he felt? How, oh how was he going to express the sheer magnitude of his true thoughts? He would scare you off, he was sure of it.

Even with this pain, even with these clipped wings and bleeding heart, Sunday had never felt so alive, so harrowingly present in the moment whenever he was with you.

Perhaps, he was doing himself a kindness by just letting you be. Drink your tea, be at peace.

He can always just make you another cup if you so desired.

Without knowing, you both haunted each other in the most agonizing way known to mankind and neither was strong enough to face the reality of the situation.

[dduane]

Just a local update

For those who'll be wanting to know how I'm doing: I think right now the line from The Right Stuff is probably apropos. I'm "maintaining an even strain."

I sort of have no choice, because there's a lot of bureaucratic stuff surrounding Peter's loss that has to be dealt with, and there's not really anyone else to fall back on in terms of local legalities; this burden falls on me. (shrug) So, I'm keepin' on keepin' on. It's not easy, when half your world has ended: but there's nothing else to do.

Just repeating the news that I just edited into the original post about all this: the "funeral expenses" issue is now handled.

And I want to thank EVERYBODY who so incredibly generously has stepped up to assist. You are all, every one of you, in my heart right now... not least due to the many, many kind things you've had to say about Peter. Current events mean I'm going to be backed up on the thank-yous for some days yet. Please bear with me.

For those who feel inclined, the Ko-Fi account here is open as usual for those who might simply want to drop something into the pot tagged "GNU Peter Morwood."* I'm looking into his notes about his preferred charities so that I can split all such donations in those directions. (For example, P. lost a beloved cousin to childhood leukemia, so I'm looking around for appropriate cancer charities. ...But more of that later.)

In local issues (ETA, 28 May 2025): The post-mortem required by law in Ireland when a death is so sudden has occurred, and I'm now waiting for the full report (which has to be delayed until pathology is done analyzing tissue samples and getting culture-&-sensitivity data back). This routinely takes from two weeks to a month. Not much to be said about this except that the sooner that's all handled and resolved, the happier I'll be. Then other adjacent issues can start being dealt with.

At the physical end: I haven't been sleeping terribly well, but that's probably no surprise. My appetite has been recovering somewhat (to the point where at least food is no longer a source of "no interest whatsoever" or of active distaste). Right now it seems I get better results from eating out instead of cooking in: so that's the way things will go in the very short term.

But for now, pretty much all I can do is sit tight, try to keep household business from getting out of hand (why does it suddenly take so much energy just to do the dishes? ...like I don't know perfectly well why), and wait for Forces Beyond My Control to get moving.

Meanwhile, let me take a moment here to thank everybody who's expressed concern about the state of my wellbeing (and that at a time when I care a whole lot less about it than usual). It's heartening, and I very much appreciate it. I promise to do my best to do right by myself, on all of your behalf. (Behalfs? Behalves? Pfft.)

Thanks again, everybody. —D.

*People are also reminding me that the financial health of the household's still-living member in the immediate future is also an issue here. 😏 Heaven forbid I should argue the point. If you want, tag such donations as "DD" and I'll note that. ...And thanks again, all. I can always count on y'all to look after me. ❤️