#i'm getting scared lately because
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While I intend this blog to remain a largely news-free space due to the constant hellstate of the world, let me be clear that I stand in full support of both the Palestinian and Jewish peoples who are currently experiencing relentless hate and suffering in these horrid times.
I am disgusted at the number of people, especially "progressives" on this website who have used this situation to spread both Islamophobia and Antisemitism. This goes double if you dared to reblog those "punch nazis/fascists <3" and "[x] are welcome here!" posts while in the next breath spreading dangerous fucking narratives that kill people.
So many people in online political spaces evidently see this as nothing more than a case of picking "sides", when ultimately what matters is supporting the oppressed against fascist governments and militias, wherever they are.
Common people will always have more alike with each other than their leaders. This is not a novel concept. Your activism should always be motivated by love and compassion first, and hatred second. If you use your beliefs as an excuse to find an acceptable target to vent your hatred towards regardless of the actual material outcome, you are no fucking activist.
You're a bigot.
#current events#antisemitism#islamophobia#scrawny rambles#scrawny speaks#again i have not been saying much both for the fact that this blog is meant to be a quiet place#and that i do not consider myself to be a reliable source of serious information and/or morals#but regardless i have been watching i have been taking note#i see you i hear you#and while i am currently in no position to materially help right now#the moment i can i will#i don't like signalling this kind of thing because i want it to be evident in how i *act*#but as this cannot be taken as a given i will say this:#you are welcome here. i am so sorry the world is hateful and vile and i wish i could wipe it all away.#you and your folk did nothing to deserve this and you are right to be scared. and i wish to give you my love.#fascism and genocide are not things to be taken lightly. bigoted 'jokes' are vile and dangerous. human life is what's at stake.#we are heading into a wave of hate that has the potential to repeat history in the worst way imaginable. get a fucking grip.#i'm unlikely to address this further as again. reasons stated above. but i wanted to make my stance clear.#it is late as fuck and i'm pissed. people who should know better miss the fucking memo completely.#i'm fucking glad i unfollowed a popular blogger when i did because look what they're posting now. antisemetic 'jokes'.#i really wonder how common this shit truly is. how many people get away with cloaking themselves as 'progressive.'#or perhaps they genuinely think they are. cognitive dissonance is one hell of a drug. fuck them regardless. scum.#you are no progressive. you are a bigot. a leftist bigot is a bigot regardless of how 'revolutionary' you posture to be.#anyhow apologies for any errors. again. it's late. hope you guys are doing well <3
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For a solid month I used to keep getting recommended on youtube “this song sounds like you’re 14 and in love” and every time my honest reaction as an aromantic was: Y’all were experiencing LOVE at FOURTEEN???
#aro#arospec#greyromantic#late bloomer#aromantic#thsi post is older because i drafted it with full 'aromantic' - i definitely identify closer to 'greyromantic' now#releasing this from the drafts bc of realizing that the dead boy detectives were originally 12 but i'm pretty sure still#had the romance subplots and definitely had canoncial sexualities#i cannot imagine experiencing something closely akin to love at TWELVE like infatuation i get i had my first 'crush' at 14#but that was nothing CLOSE to being 'in love'#allos scare me....#i said this#'15 and in love' i woudl believe. 15 is a good age for a first love. 14? ur in an actual relationship with genuine feelings?????? whaaaaat#like i know i'm being silly that's just one year difference but it's how i feel
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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So, here's the TFP/Skulduggery Pleasant AU fic I've been working on and eluding to since may. Very Optiratch focused, although I'm trying to expand and add more characters and dynamics and such. For SP fans I can jingle the keys of Larrikin, Skulduggery and Ghastly making appearances and a bunch of worldbuilding about different magic disciplines, The Caves and Proto-Cleavers
In terms of where in the timeline the fic is, the latest chapter takes place in 1620, and so far only the oldest of the characters are around (because the rest of them quite simply haven't been born yet)
Also, here's a drawing I made related to the AU, a bit farther down the timeline than the current most recent chapter but still nowhere near present day
Unfortunately the giant Pyrenese dog with the Wolf collar is symbolic in nature, there are no giant dogs in the fic. It would be an altogether less grim affair if there were giant dogs, I think.
[Image ID: A digital painting of a younger, human Ratchet from the AU described above, accompanied by the front half of a giant great pyrenees dog. The background is a muted cyan color. The dog is farther away in the background, leaping forward with its teeth bared. Its white fur is stained red with blood, mostly originating from a rusty anti-wolf collar on its neck, which means that most of the blood doesn't belong to the dog itself. It has a sad look in its eyes. The rest of the dog disappears where its silhouette crosses over Ratchet's, who is likewise charging forward with a scythe wielded with both hands, bent backwards for a swing. The scythe's blade has gone black in certain parts, and is covered in blood. One of his legs is bent in front of him and the position of the scythe makes his arm cross over his face as an intentional reference to "The Fallen Angel" by Alexandre Cabanel. He's wearing an outfit that consists of white trousers, black boots and a white tailcoat with gold details, like buttons and epaulettes. The outfit is also stained in blood, with two large red spots on his side and thigh, from which Vitakinetic life energy is spilling out as white sparks. As an added effect of Vitakinesis ( the Skulduggery Pleasant version of healing magic) his bones are glowing white through his skin and his pupils are white. He's drawn as a white man with pale, lightly freckled skin and red hair. His irises are cyan-colored, and there are distinct dark spots under his eyes. He has very thick eyebrows and long, slightly wavy hair. The artist's signature, "Silverior968" is overlayed over the image in white. The color palette is inspired by the album cover for "The Albatross" by Foxing. / End ID]
#skulduggery pleasant#fanart#transformers prime#optiratch#tfp ratchet#tfp optimus prime#humanformers#technically? These are kinda souped up humans though#humans who age slow past age 18 and can live over 1000 years#and also have magic powers#tw animal injury#I mean technically the injury looks way worse than it is because of the scary collar but just in case#even though the collar is for the dog's protection it still looks scary#Also! followers might recognize this drawing as the wip I shared in late July!#I've been waiting for a very long time to post this I just wanted to get the fic to a point where I felt confident enough to post the link#I still don't but I'm doing it anyways#do it scared etc#Also fun fact I learned to draw semi-realistic dogs for this!#cw blood#cw injury#I need to come up with an actual name for the AU#because Of The Ancients And The Faceless is simply the backstory fic#I intend to separate the current day and post-movie stuff into their own fics each
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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I am so genuinely anxious for how the season finale of A New Wish is gonna go but whatever happens I'm going to make sure everything turns out okay for my kids. I'm not a huge fix-it fic person, but I will if I have to lol.
Also my theory on what's going to happen (since the crew has been hinting that Dev is gonna do something really bad) is that Dev might accidentally (or on purpose, but under emotional distress) wish away fairies or magic and have to fix it. Or possibly he'll only wish away Cosmo and Wanda, I don't know. Whatever he does, it'll be a doozy, but I legit could never hate this boy.
I would literally do anything to see Dev and Hazel keep being friends. T^T Like, I love having in-universe angst for them but I really want them to end up friends in the long run, even if I have to make it happen myself, I guess. Lost in Fairy World is my favorite episode, I really want more of that.
I don't even mind if we have to wait until season 2 to see them actually become friends for good. I can handle that. I just really want their friendship to pull through whatever happens. I want to believe.
Legit, even if I've gotten into a lot of shows over the years, this is the first time I'm hitting a season finale, especially one with such high stakes, while this deeply mired in hyperfixation since. Gravity Falls ended, I think. Which is quite a long time. I am not gonna shut up about this show for such a long time.
#gosh this was such a ramble#I am so fucking obsessed with this show right now you have no idea#I am like. Sick to my stomach excited and nervous for the finale on. Thursday? I think?#I mean I'm probably gonna get the finale a little late because I don't have cable BUT STILL#I am SO HYPED but SO SCARED lol#starry talks about not writting#random rambles#fairly oddparents: a new wish
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I HATE BEING DISABLED!!!!!!!!!!
#I hate the constant doctors appointments and tests and procedures!#I hate all the medication!#I hate using my mobility aids!#I hate being so fucking scared and paranoid when I'm alone that my parents feel like they have to invite me on their anniversary trip!#I hate being unable to reconsume specific media because they remind me of my psychotic episodes!#I hate always being late to school because getting up is so hard!#I hate constantly obsessing over whether or not I'm keeping my movements even!#I hate not knowing what not being in pain feels like!#I hate being so goddamn tired all of the time that I can barely keep my eyes open!#and I just have to make my peace with all because I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life!!#I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!!!!!
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on the subject of Phil's red flags. i definitely agree that someone not taking an interest in you in return for your interest on them IS a red flag, and it's shitty to put a lot of effort into a relationship with someone without a reciprocating level of interest from them. I've been in that situation before, and it sucks.
but also (and this is not me saying they're being ableist or anything like that, I really think they just haven't considered it) sometimes the reason a person doesn't visibly return your interest in a conversation has nothing to do with them being rude or disinterested. Sometimes that person's just neurodivergent. Maybe their brain works differently than yours, maybe they got carried away, or maybe that person just... assumed that if you wanted to share something about your life, you would.
I don't believe that you can determine a person's level of interest in your life by one conversation, and I don't believe that you're an asshole for not asking questions in return; there are so, so many reasons a person might not do that beyond "they don't care"
#phan#mine#dan and phil#personally. it just doesn't often occur to me to ask questions until later on when it's too late and the conversation os over#and even when it does occur to me i often get scared by the intimacy of asking so i just assume that if they want me to know they'll tell me#anyway. I'm posting this largely because i felt like shit when i heard him say that was a red flag. because this isn't me being an asshole
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i need to find other jobs... But I can't let go of this one yet... maybe more freelance work... but idk... I dont think I have the time hhh they keep saying I should make more Money QwQ or make my own business. just... more Money. idontknoww QwQ im running out of time. if i reached 30 it's all over for me and Everyone in my extended families and the neighbors will Talk abt Me, The Failure Daughter who can't have enough money and marry a decent man
#red rambles#i know its not true and i have friends irl and online who are women and over 30 and Thriving#but they always make me feel like im running out of time#im too old now and too late to start anything#im stuck in shitty retail job and cannot make more money to provide my family#they brought me to college and invested all that money for my education#but they still said I 'grew up Wrong'#immm sooooooooo hhhhhnghhhhhhhh#at least i can still pay the bills...#im Scared i will suddenly off to marry the next man im intriduced to just because of the Pressure#its okay... lets not think abt it...#I will make plans to resign tho but it's because I'm Miserable in this job haha#getting called names at home is Enough already
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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Sometimes it seems like the anti fandoms are more toxic than the actual fandom that the anti fandom people hate on, it's actually really sad.
MLP fans will know what I'm talking about
#I saw a post saying that they wish Taylor Swift's private jet would crash since that'd be upsetting towards her fans and people were saying#it's cause mass suicides which would be a good thing since Swifties are toxic#look. you can dislike a group of people/a fandom due to their behavior but that does NOT make it okay to say they should kill themselves.#I've seen lots of nasty posts about furries too#saying that people should kill furries like you would a deer (hunting) and saying that they should all die#just because you find something “cringe” doesn't mean it's okay to wish death upon people#someone pointed out that oftentimes hate towards furries (and other groups) is partially rooted in ableism (mostly towards autism) and LGBT#LGBTQ hate#since furries are oftentimes associated with those two groups#people hate on furries due to their hate on those other groups#there's really a lot of small forms of hate which cause even worse forms of hate#you can find something “cringe” but that does NOT make it okay to wish death towards people. especially those in groups oftentimes victims#victims of oppression#autistic lesbian here and I've heard many stories about autistic people being killed by their parents or caretakers#and sometimes I'm genuinely scared for my life#I loooooove my parents they really take good care of me but I've dealt with some absolutely horrible teachers#ramble over. I just had to get this off of my chest#I've been seeing a lot of negativity lately
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i should listen to one full album of new (to me) music every day. except make it two, because i should've been doing this my whole life already. gotta catch up.
#i feel really bad about how shallow and fragmented my knowledge of even the types of music i like the most is#it's wrapped up in a broader sense of grief over the fact that i mostly stopped playing music for about a decade#getting back into that is really hard. physically and emotionally. i wish i was where i would've been at already#there are entire categories of skills i wanted to learn but never got into... i'm scared to try them because i feel kinda hopeless about it#listening to music is something i definitely never stopped doing but i feel kinda disconnected from it all the same#i feel like there's so much stuff i should've already checked out. i feel like a fake music fan#i typically don't even know what else is on the albums that most of the songs in my music collection came from#i think instead of feeling sad and doing nothing i should be trying to rectify this. and probably still feel sad but we'll get there#it's also really easy to listen to music. even the most active analytic listening is so much easier than making anything myself#of all of the problems i could be trying to solve right now this is some low-hanging fruit#do check up with me on how i've been going with this. ask me what i've been listening to lately. i want to have good answers for you#(just wait a day before you do because i only had the idea just now and i'm about to go to bed)
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idk if it's my delusions or if it's actually real
but i feel like the stupid bone jutting out behind my ear has gotten a tad smaller?
like it's not as jutty-outty as Monday and it doesn't feel tender when I touch it
so like, that's a GOOD thing, right? I don't need to go to urgent care RIGHT this moment, right?
#eprika rambles#i'd be lucky if it un-juts itself soon like maybe before my doc appointment#but also i doubt it so i guess the doc will have at least SOMETHING to see#i did google--yes i know terrible idea after my mistake back in late 2019 when i thought my dry eyes were diabetes--#it's a long story.#but doctor google said there are two reasons and the second i don't feel anything with my inner ear like there's no pain#*KNOCKS ON WOOD*#but the first reason would be because there's pain#iirc anyways#but i also didn't want to google even more to see if it'll go away on its own because i'm scared and my anxiety will quite literally kill m#also i've now been paranoid that my LEFT side will get it#*KNOCKS ON WOOD AGAIN*#i truly from the bottom of my tiny little heart absolutely hate--LOATHE having all these stupid health complications spring up on me#like it's the worst type of jumpscare imaginable--worse than the stupid horror movie jumpscares.
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Hm... never trust how you feel about your life past 9pm or however that goes and stuff, but sometimes I do be pondering what I do on the regular and it gets to me, the silliest things
#I'm once again getting anxious over putting myself out there in every sense I can think of#Socially. Business-wise. Art-wise#if there is one trait I dislike about myself the most in the past few years—#is that for whatever reason I have a tendency to be way too open about myself and what I feel#it could be annoying. It could be tmi (I dislike that concept). It could scare people off because I'm too forward and I fuck up#I spent a big chunk of my late childhood -> teenage years -> early adulthood putting a tamper on my emotions and what I'm passionate about#and now I'm oscillating between being unable to do otherwise and being thoroughly exhausted of suppressing... anything#I genuinely don't want to do it no more and the problem is that I have no idea how to navigate the opposite end of that conduct#I feel like I'm constantly messing it up. I have no experience but I am so tired and now incapable of masking#more like my body and mind are uncooperative and refuse to keep on putting up an act. It was always a way to support others#but I disregarded myself most of the time. I don't know how to enjoy myself in front of people I love without feeling guilt or shame#I feel like I'm overstepping or being disrespectful. How do you do it#it should come easy#Heh... I'm even embarrassed to voice sincere praise to artists I admire because I never know if what I'm saying could be perceived as —#—cringey or if it makes someone slightly uncomfortable. I'm tired of being clueless about a whole dimension of social interaction#and possibly coming across as inept. I could've sworn for the longest time that I was doing it right#and I can't be sure now#I want to share my work with others but I'm always hesitant and petrified by fear of all the potential ramifications that path could have#There's so much I want to do#why does the world seem so hostile to my eyes I genuinely don't know. It makes no sense. None of that is real#Annnnnd that sure is some venting#Sheesh#Hm. Funny how tumblr keeps on being this perfect void where you can just scream into without a single worry#I should go to sleep
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I was just feeling absolutely devastated about a month ago and couldn't do anything with myself because distractions wouldn't work, so I tried to draw the specific feeling I was experiencing at the time. It isn't even meant to be good or well thought out, it was just a "draw-whatever-I-can" sort of situation and this was the product. That is all
#I'm posting because I feel this way now but I lost the drawing tablet so I can't do anything#It's nothing that deep. Me and my girlfriend just broke up at the time#We broke up right after her birthday#And my gift wasn't finished in time so I never got to give it to her#So instead I mailed it to her and asked that she let me know when she gets it#It was supposed to arrive at her place today and I haven't heard anything from her yet#I'm pretty sure she either forgot or the package is just late#but im scared that she just doesn't care about it and thus won't text me#I put every piece of my heart and soul into her gift so I just want closure that she got it#Sorry for ranting in the tags. I don't really have anyone else to go to
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It's the end of the semester for your girl and she somehow pulled through with zero non-passing grades; please clap and cheer.
#I was absent for the final assignment for my Makeup class but I passed anyway because the professor is a champ.#I got full marks on my Voice midterm.#I got a 9/10 in Acting class and very nice feedback#(side note: I think the prof thought I was about to cry because my face twitched with the exertion of making an appropriate facial#expression because I was scared of looking ungrateful. I hate responding to compliments)#about how he really likes how I work but feels there's a slice of my range I haven't explored yet.#He doesn't know what it is but the clue he gave me was 'I think it's dark'.#Anyway Actoral Training was an 8/10 for all of us because we only had three classes after the professor changed.#I retook my Dramatic Literature exam and got a 100% but since I initially got a 20% it averaged at 60%.#I think I'll get a 7/10 overall for class participation.#Theories of Perception is a ?/10 but since I'm positive I at least passed the exam and I have class participation I know it's good.#And Movement was a 9/10 for reasons unknown to me given that I handed in my report way late.#Anyway. A good semester academically if we ignore the fact that I got those grades at the last possible second with immeasurable stress.#l33chsp34k
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