#i'm am so sick and fucking tried
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are. are you telling me that if the romanced mage warden dies and alistair is king, he deadass stares greagoir down over her dead body and grants the circle of ferelden its autonomy after ordering it rebuilt somewhere safer. first you have to deliberately leave him behind so he won't die for you and then he does that for you once you're gone, even when you're broken up??? absolute and literal king behaviour of the highest order????? the actions speak louder than words of it all??????? I think I hauve covid
#that's the hottest thing I've ever heard I feel nuts#what an absolute chad alistair continues to be tbh there may be a day when men fail but it will not be when he's here#like I'm very sorry to the blond chantry boy repeat crowd but cullen could & would NEVER!!! they are NOT the same!!!!#dragon age#dragon age origins#alistair theirin#alistair x warden#can u imagine what it must be like to be irving standing there watching this happen. you're free and your kid is dead. congrats#tried to free her from the circle and she's the sacrificial lamb that bought the circle's freedom instead. fuck dude#it does make for a very sad kind of symmetry that every time irving tries to get clever with it he triggers a monkey's paw situation fhdskj#I am replaying the game with my new canon (mistress amell + king alistair to save him from the da:i fade choice lol)#and in doing research I found out about this and had my world rocked. I've never had my warden die before so this is new to me#(my warden isn't dying in this canon to be clear she's going to be the reason no one would dare assassinate king alistair lol#nightmare bae eminance gris behind the throne/loving and supportive partner with a fade connection and a vengeful side#she's going to be like sam vimes tiredly fending off assassins as the watch books go on except she murders a lot more people back)#the way his voice breaks in the version where they were broken up tho... sick and twisted and mean to me specifically
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PHOBIA OF SEAWEED IS AN ACTUAL THING?????????????????? you see i am not afraid of the open waters nor am i scared of the things that live there,, like i regularly spend time watching deep sea videos i think they're so cool but oh my fucking god the idea of KELP IS MAKING ME LIKE ACTUALLY TWITCH EEEEEEEEUUUUUUUGHHH okok actually looking at it is kind of fine but the thought of it touching my feet is genuinely making me wanna throw up😭😭😭😭😭
#this is such a stupid thing bc sometimes it's fine#i live by the ocean i am a fish i have seen seaweed i have touched seaweed but it's different when you grab it on purpose compared to it#just randomly touching you#DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE#OMFG I'M GONNA SPIRAL#like once i thought i was gonna drown#mickey lore time#we were paddleboarding with my family and then me and my brother got off it and we started swimming to the shore and like we're both very#good swimmers so this was nothing insane aaand there were no waves or anything and my parents were still close by#but then at one point i was like oh i wonder how deep this actually is and i went under and i tried to touch the ground and sEAAWEEEDDDDD#EEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I FEEL SICK JUST THINKING ABT ITTT#and it freaked me out so fucking bad and then i suddenly felt so tired and i just wanted to get out but i was still far away and i couldn't#stop thinking abt how it's gonna touch my feet again lmao#and i was very very very close to a panic attack in the water😭😭#oops#anyway i survived and i never told anybody i thought i was gonna drown bc i am not a pussy like that whewwwww#also. when i played subnautica (i only played for a few hours) i was more afraid of the fuckass kelp forest than anything else😭😭😭#i started thinking abt this bc i saw a video of a man in this dark scary cave (????) and like it was fine i was super intrigued until he pu#his fucking foot on the rock and you can just see the layer of seaweed i almost jumped out of my bed FUUCKKK THATTT
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look okay it's bad to erase marvin's canonical sexuality and the fact that She Likes Men but i literally genuinely with all my heart think that she is a trans woman
#the repetition of in trousers = gender roles forced on him#i'm still alive and sick of counting#something's missing in my life... i have a family#i love being marvin SHE IS SOOO IN DENIAL#banging his groin with his fist#SHOULD HIS MOTHER BE BLAMED.#i tell him he's a person- he says i'm just ridickalous#btw she is literally distancing herself from her body and sense of self... man i can't begin to express how feral i am about this.#uhm also projecting onto miss goldberg because she is “perfect womanhood”#miss goldberg is transition goals#no literally she's obsessed with her !!!!#“made me what i am today” COME ON. FUCK.#also the constant references in both in trousers and falsettos to marvin being a boy. internalised transphobia you will never understand her#she's so attached to the women in her life and fails to be a “good man” for them as she tries to fit herself into a typical male role#and she's unclear and simplistic over typical male family roles (eg “daddy makes good money // that's what daddy's for)#“listen i'm a bastard bummer with a penis” she's so in denial my lord#a person who likes to lie too much SHE IS LYING TO HERSELF 😭#i try too much to impress other people#her suicidal thoughts as well! she is contantly thinking about how she will die or what will happen when she dies or whatever#LITERALLY DEADNAME.#how the body falls apart first the groin and then the heart..! she literally only considers her value as a man to be her groin#and even then she fucking hates it#uhm and also i feel him slippimg away. of course you do#“HE” is liyerally dying.#“people might ask does he feel awful that and was he grieved”#i'm done i'm tired now. maybe more coming soon#also pavelkaramazov if you see this *I* sent the in trousers ask i was just on anon because i hate my main blog#in trousers#marvin trilogy
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Wow I love waking up and my brain immediately attacking me with Zooble wouldn't love you /Heavy sarcasm
#negative#being sick is Not helping my mental health at all#I'll be honest this is was somewhat bothering me last night but i tried to ignore it#and I did a lretty good job for the mosf part#but like. wow. it's 4 am and it jsut hit me all at once </3#@ my brain pls I'm sick don't do this to me#it's actually kind of funny. I went from Episode 4 was a good reminder thatZooble would genuinely love me and care about me#to Episode 4 is a cruel reminder of how replaceable I am and how not even a fictional character wants to be with me#< all because I went kn twitter and found my entire tl filled with ship art btw#< btw I am completely aware of how stupid that sounds but when your sick and your mental health is Bad. yeah lol#makes it Very hard to stop yourself from having Really stupid sounding thoughts like that#I'm always sk terrified of being abandoned again. I don't wNt it to happen again#and like. one part of my brain js like Fitz that is a fictional character who cannot abandon you wgat the fuck is wrong with you#but the the other lart of my brain is like Okay but what if they did abandon me to get eith someone else#and I'm thinking both simultaneously. it sucks :[#thankfully jt's like. 4 am so i don't have to feel too bad about posting this#but if you're awake right now and you see this. I am so sorry idk wgat's wrong with me either lol
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Saw a mutual spouting progressive 'not all men' shit and am now considering unfollowing. Sigh.
#*most men don't benefit from the patriarchy* THEN WHO THE FUCK DOES#I am sick and tired of people who are able to grasp other forms of systemic oppression and intersectionality in some ways#but fall flat on their faces when recognizing men yes even men marginalized for other reasons#still benefit over women in some ways!#I was attacked and stalked for a period of time by a boy who was not white. I was still mocked people still made excuses for him#I was still told that maybe it was *my* fault because he might be autistic and misunderstanding social queues#BY SOMEONE WHO NEVER EVEN MET THE GUY#so don't you dare fucking tell me only a 'small' minority of men the 'ultra-rich white cishetero Christian men' are the ONLY men who benefi#you're playing the fool for misogynists who weaponize progressive language to guilt women into shutting up about misogyny#PSA this post is trans inclusive and if anyone tries to derail it into a transphobic shitstorm i'm blocking you#tw misogyny#lateral violence#intersectionality#feminism
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I'm sick.
fuck this shit
#math exam is literally 24 hours away#i still have so much to do#i got my period this morning and I've been feeling super tired but i chalked it up to periods#i tried really hard to deny it all day#all night too#headache and body pain and sore throat and blocked nose ofc I'm sick#my boyfriend told me at 12 am to go sleep#it's 5 am#i should've listened cz now i have all of that plus fever#fuck thishonestly#even after staying up all night my brain was so slow i could only do like 3 chapters#i still have like 7 left#i hate this i hate this i hate this#ugh i feel like shit#i can't anymore I'm going to sleep i don't care
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LIVE WELL, WHILE TIME REMAINS.
#oc: brendan trevelyan#shhhh we're posting this at 1 am on a weeknight and untagged#bc i actually have tried to gif this exact scene 800 times before#and i'm so sick of trying to format it#fuck it we do it live#this is the one we get#i need it on the books and thats that#*mine: gifs
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mentioned to some friends today that someone nailed me as a roy mustang enjoyer a few days ago. none of them knew who he was. tried to convey how hot he is. got told he looks like a teletubby. attempted to find the tower scene where they're flirting over the phone, couldn't find it. showed them the lust fight and none of them got it. finally got home and watched a royai supercut. now i'm having royai feels alone at night and three of my friends think my taste in men is even more unhinged than it actually is. this feels like an L
#also pretty sure i'm sick so this feels even more insulting#sb and l rambles#sb and l watches fmab#otp: i'd follow you into hell if you asked#can you imagine they didn't think roy was hot. yes one of them was a lesbian but THE OTHER TWO#tried to at LEAST argue that riza's hot as fuck. one of them was skeptically like ''but she's blonde''#me: yeah i know i am also not generally attracted to blondes. she's my exception#friend: my only exception is that woman from atlantis#me: RIZA IS A BETTER VERSION OF THAT WOMAN FROM ATLANTIS#do you guys see what i'm dealing with here.#essbie does college
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my sister’s new Pride tradition is apparently pressuring me to come out to our parents which is frustrating not only because it’s shitty behavior but
a) I did come out to our mom. Years ago. She told me I was going to die miserable and alone and no one would ever love me.
b) I came out to my sister the same night and she responded in the exact same way
and she both has completely overwritten this in her memory and continued to be sort of a shitty ✨ally✨ about it by being like “oh well asexuality is really hard to understand” and “if you told mom you were dating girls I think she’d be fine with it”
and like. I’m not a lesbian, I’m not bisexual, I’m not dating girls, I’m not dating guys, I am just, still, fucking ace.
#i'm tired of stewing about this but i'm also just really fucking sick of this rhetoric#like she tried to be like ''isn't part of pride being proud and out??''#and i was like ''well being told you're going to die alone and she hopes you have major depression sucks a lot''#and she tries to spin it as like ''it's really coming from a place of love''#and i'm like then y'all should have responded with love instead of being giant shitty assholes#personal#aphobia#also my sister just has this delusion that i'm a poor closeted little kid#and like#i am and have been out to all the people who care about me EXCEPT our family for years#because again#i was very clearly told that my family would not accept this about me#so no m** you're not being a doting caring supportive big sister#you're pretending away the hurt that you actively participated in causing#which doesn't actually make it not have happened#UGH#i am grumpy tonight
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just muttering to mutter cuz I find it fun to have meaningless opinions but having watched the trailer for The Fall of the House of Usher, I really just feel like everyone should sit down and read What Moves The Dead by T. Kingfisher instead
#it's not even long! it's less than a hundred pages! and it is fucking incredible!#WHERE IS THE EPONYMOUS FALLING HOUSE. THE POINT IS THAT THERE IS A LITERAL HOUSE FALLING ALONG WITH THE FAMILY.#to be clear this is not 'don't pit two bad bitches against each other' this is 'one of them understood the assignment and one did not'#I have adaptation opinions okay. and I AM fucking qualified to have them.#to be clear it doesn't look like a BAD show by any means! it just looks like...... every other mike flanagan show.#which isn't Bad it's just like. he's very much a one trick pony okay. he's very good at his one trick! but I need a little more than that#also like. it feels like otherwise rewatch succession? idk man. what are we doing here.#the variety plot summary reads like they decided to slap a poe name on it so the sacklers couldn't sue them for libel#and I'm like. the sacklers couldn't. and if they tried they would lose bro.#the more I think about this the more incensed I am about it#like this is a different concept entirely my dude!!!#stop trying to back up all of your shit with existing IP and own the fact that you're trying to do something original#it straight up feels like original content has become a crime in hollywood and I am SICK OF IT
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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.
#text post#like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late#and god why do we have to do another visit#they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out#can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after#i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel#i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that#they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically#and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor#and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt#that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it#bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it#they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like#im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything#unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care#anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great#that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday#(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week#and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure#for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up#he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at#so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that#and that's money i don't fucking have rn#i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this#and now i definitely cant bc like#it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried#what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule#that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November
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me? I'm nauseous
#i am now having violent Thoughts about getting a shot and my whole body is all fucked up about it#i can barely breathe and my limbs are tingly (unpleasant) and i'm just sick to my stomach#vaccines are incredible but boy i will cry and scream if someone tries to give me one#not to trauma dump but when i was a child two adults had to hold me down to vaccinate me and i couldn't get into the car#without crying for genuinely weeks after because i was so scared my mother would do that to me again#once a kid pointed a toy shot with a big ball on the tip at me and i panicked and had to leave the room lol#child me was so fucked up. iconic of her
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My mother cheating on my father with a guy 30 years younger than her and when we tell her it's disgusting and unacceptable she tries to justify herself like "Oh, this is so Christian moral and catechism puritanism from you" and "This is the patriarchy that's talking".
.... Are... Are you trying to justify your CHEATING on your husband since 1990 on feminism and freedom? ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT, YOU WILL. She thinks she's not in the wrong because, what, fuck her Christian education and she's a woman, she can do anything she wants ? Is she FUCKING KIDDING ME???
YOU CHEATED, YOU ARE CHEATING, YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING FOR MONTHS, YOU FUCKING JERK.
You hurt your husband, you threw him out of the house, you hurt your children, you think you can come back to my father's village? Your youngest daughter is TWELVE, and you're hurting her so much she's bottling everything in so well she could win an Oscar already, AND YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS OKAY AND YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG OR MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE ?
What sort of fucked up imaginary world are you living in that cheating is acceptable. For heaven's sake. She had the galls to tell me "adultery is banal, it's ordinary, everybody is doing it, it's not serious; don't be so dramatic". *screams* Hi, hey, if everybody is jumping off the bridge, are you going to jump too? Have you not PAID ATTENTION? Wars, murders, catastrophes have been done because of CHEATING, it is not a MODEL, it's a warning!!! Wtf, wtf, WTF.
I'm tired, I'm so tired. I have a thesis to write and I can't bring myself to work because my mother is throwing away all her life, acting in a shameful and unacceptable way, and disrespecting her family. My grandfather and my uncle and aunts aren't aware yet, but when they learn, oh boy, they might jump in a plane for Morocco to go yell at her.
Anyway. I'm having a real bad time these days and my only solace, my only salvation, are my sisters and my brother.
#rapha talks#so this rant is on one hand to let you know why i'm not very active right now and on the other hand just to rant bc i needed to get it out#on telling her that there is a real imbalance a giant red flag in her rship with the guy she tries to tell me i'm being patriarchal#Is she fucking kidding me#did she get a lobotomy in secret and that's why she's dropped her brain off and is acting in that unrecognizable way????#because we (siblings+father) are truly starting to believe that she's actually sick for acting like that#she tried to explain that she's free and she can do whatever she wants because it's her life and she can't resist her desires#????????????#I AM CONFUSION#i know you guys don't have all the details in hand but please please tell me we're not blowing things out of proportion#because i'm seriously starting to doubt my sanity my morals and my grasp on reality#i'm having a bad depressive episode right now and the one person who was 50% of my support system is gone#(as an added layer of unhealthiness: the guy in question is 23 + a blackafrican immigrant in morocco undocumented - she's white and settled#yeah there ABSOLUTELY NO aspect of this whole thing that's either sane or moral or acceptable#and i am going crazy and my father is in very bad shape he's not sleeping or eating anymore#and she refuses to question herself or think over her actions#oh and the other thing is that they both (parents) want me to come home to get a job back where i worked last year#her because she wants the money i could bring (my salary last year wasn't mine it all went to the family)#him so i can take a flat and take my youngest sister with me because i'm the second mother and she can't stay with Her and her lover#and i am so tired#so very tired
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I love my friends
#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind#for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!!#secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart#i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and#allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother.#she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way#i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know?#not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her.#...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics#i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling.#like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did.#hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either#but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time#but that's the only way I can get those emotions out#I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved.#and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah.#but we dont talk about her#... i dunno. I'm just here.#guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going#I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys.#so uh. thank you.#i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you#probably dead.#💖#vent
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sorry i've been mia and not responding much to replies or messages. i'm really unwell right now and last night got so bad i almost had to go to the emergency room. which sucks because i've been waiting for today for months because i have a fic to post but that's just not going to happen. hopefully next week i guess.
#long story short i think my doctor tried to mercy kill me by poisoning me with iron supplements#i mean sure obviously that's not what happened but i am so so so angry right now#i'm not sure i've ever been this angry in my life#she knows that not only do supplements do nothing for me but they make me extremely sick#she knows this#but giving me iv infusions inconveniences them because of my fucked up veins#so she gave me supplements#i told her no but she said i had to try before i could get infusions#and so i have been sick for fucking months#every time i told her this she was like 'oh yeah that happens with iron supplements keep taking them and the side effects will wear off'#so i did and it all ended with me spending hours lying on my couch screaming and crying in pain#until i finally managed to vomit them up#and now today i have the worst migraine#i get that this is partially my fault for taking them when i knew i shouldn't have#but i'm just...so fucking angry#i trusted my doctor and i told her everything i was supposed to tell her and she failed me#i am so fucking angry and in so much pain#next appointment is on the 26th and i'm going to have to beg her to actually help me this time#let's hope it works#personal
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getting so so fed up with the fact that i can't stop my phone from updating. it's killed my sleep tracker apps multiple times just bc of a stupid security update. it wakes me up in the middle of the night (today it was at 3:30am!) by turning on FULL BRIGHTNESS WHITE SCREENS (when i literally never ever go past even 10% brightness on this thing and often need MULTIPLE dimmer apps when the page is all white). on multiple occasions it's updating in the middle of watching a video or even in the middle of a brushstroke in an UNSAVED drawing. it disables every single notification until i interact with it so calls and alarms literally just don't go through whatsoever. it never warns me with a notification it just updates out of nowhere. it makes half of my apps super fucking buggy every time. i fucking hate technology nowadays why do i have to literally break my phone's warranty and fuck with its internals and possibly brick the entire device just so it doesn't disable my fucking alarms and force me to miss important calls and appointments THAT COST ME OVER 100$ ON NO-SHOW BTW
#I'm just glad it did this TODAY and not. tomorrow. when I'm going to NEED to be woken up VERY VERY EARLY#because early voting was so swamped i was physically unable to do so#the lines were so long in VERY physically inaccessible areas so even though i had my wheelchair i wouldn't have been able to wait in line#not to mention the sun and heat would make me sick very very quickly#i was already getting sick while in an AIR CONDITIONED vehicle just bc i was directly in the sunlight#it's 4:30 am for me rn#and i have a headache and am exhausted#but bc I've slept more than 4 hours it's physically impossible for me to go back to sleep so. hooray. fuck me ig#and i can't just. like. cover my phone screen so it doesn't bother me#bc. my alarms have to work SOMEHOW. and since i literally am incapable of sleeping without earplugs now#i HAVE to use my alarm the same way my mom does (she's Deaf so she NEEDS it to be brightly flashing)#and i can't use my phone flashlight for it bc it genuinely hurts my eyes so goddamn bad#this is the only thing that works that doesn't actually hurt me in some way i DO NOT have alternatives#I've tried the lamp alarm like my mom has but it gives me migraines#bc it's flashing from solid complete darkness to full brightness so fast it just hurts so bad#and bc I've got a mold issue in this apartment my migraines get triggered by the tiniest fucking things now#even just a few minutes of walking out of my room while my mom's lamp is going off can set it off it's annoying
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