#i'll start posting the odyssey ones eventually

[friedmagazinebouquet]

Inspirational Iliad: Final Part

[buttercupshands]

I feel like crk finally became a true teapot (ref to genshin bc I love that place so much) experience

a rample post ahead I cut it bc it's long as hell (tags are their own story LONG AS HELL too!)

Like literally falling asleep while watching how those little ones interact

if I ever make a tier list or something of gacha games that I've played longer than a year AND enjoyed for at least a month it'll be interesting to see the difference

like I love teapot-like mechanics EXPECIALLY if characters in there have a special way of interacting on their own - see hi3 Dorms system

and crk made it its core mechanic to which EVERYTHING loops back to, not arena, events or even the story

genshin has a way to make your teapot as pretty as you want and clipping through objects create fantastic sets (many creator have made at least something fantastic there, and people who don't care - don't care) but character interactions are limited to 2 max and 3 dialogues from lvl of friendship which is... fine but they just stand there while you can look at your pretty decor for years for no reason

I love the process but the end result is like "yeah this is pretty" and leave after 5-10 mins bc I'm bored of it

hsr has some interesting decor interactions in the event for our room that we got a year into the game, which is fine, characters don't visit our room but they're randomly placed so it's a mystery who'll talk tp you now, not to mention some characters leaving due to story reasons, interesting! interactible! but decor doesn't change after we finish the event aside from little things - a bit.. boring but that suits MC! still.

hi3 has Dorms which have chibi versions of character of your choice to put there, it's less like genshin and hsr and closer to crk actually, with chibi characters having a way to interact on their own and you getting at ability to play as them too, pretty fun, but there's like 3 rooms there and only 5 characters per room so it's REALLY not much, when there's so much cool stuff, which is also expensive if you don't play like 24/7 for like 6 years, which is my situation

the interesting thing there is that all characters in the room go to bed when it's bedtime according to your time which is neat and actually super cool

tears of themis system might be my least favorite as it's fully connected to p2w and gathering items for years to fully decorate everything which is... kind of extremely boring when the end result is closer to genshin teapot mixed with hsr placement only on one specific location so it's like a cute miniature that offers you like 3-5 options you can slowly get and like 10+ p2w ones

crk on the other hand has the balanced version of all of it (and of stuff from their other games improved too!) with 100 cookies on the screen ALL doing their own thing at all times including helping with production of stuff important for them to grow so it's like a collaborative effort of growing rather than you just doing tasks over and over by yourself via simply adding characters with animations there so you actually see them working AND their work animations are unique (with weak cookies struggling with hard work and tree-related ones looking uncomfortable in the wood cutting related tasks while some will actually look excited to work on something like that) and show their personality that you've already seen or read about, so it makes sense for the player to see that

while there are games that work similarly aka farm ones this is a gacha farm-like game, like I remember the mlp game that worked similarly, but it didn't have as many tiny details to look at also getting characters was strictly tied to your finances and p2w in some cases which made the game a bit empty when you can't exactly pay to get every character at that moment

gacha aspect of getting the characters combined with the way crk works with soulstones lets you focus on just growing to manage tasks you'd like more - like getting strong to get this or that in the story, or even jsut simply going through the story, which requieres a lot of resources

all of the games I mentioned require you to waste time in them, get characters either through gacha OR paying a lot of money (mlp, but ALSO any gacha when you gon't have enough resourses which requires that you play thing game EVERY DAY) and it's simply up to the player to decide what do they like more at any given time

I personally liked having tiny figures with some cool place to play with (and a dream that never came true to have a doll house for those little ones) as a kid and even looking at the videos of that I never had dolls participate, they're dolls, you just make them pretty and... that's it.

at least kid me never did any cool story stuff with actuall full on dolls, bc mini figures allow your imagination to run wild much like when you have a full model in 3d and a simple 2d pixel thing, second option is preferable for me

so having a ton of small things interact with stuff while I can just silently watch and see the unlikeliest characters getting along fine is the to-go way to just relax for me

and I need that for my brain

[rin-sith]

*That* scene in Six Hundred Strike is not about vengeance, it's about vulnerability ... because the Vengeance saga isn't about vengeance

To think all of this started because I was trying to determine why it feels so natural to read intimacy into the torture scene in Six Hundred Strike ... See, I'm personally not someone who reads an angle like this into things easily, but this time I found myself doing it too. And I just needed to know why.

It just made no sense for a while, because if you look at it superficially, it shouldn't make sense; it's a freaking torture scene. But I don't know, somehow, I must have felt that there was something there ... and I think I figured it out.

See, the reason why it feels so natural to read intimacy into this scene is because ... it actually is incredibly intimate. Not in an actually sexual way, but more so in a, "Imagine you were suddenly able to read someone's mind, and they yours" kind of intimacy.

It's really easy to just assume Six Hundred Strike is literally about vengeance, but it isn't. Now, please stick with me for a bit because we are going on a bit of a tangent here, but I promise we'll get back to this eventually.

The tangent I want to explore first is (as you've probably seen in the title) that the whole Vengeance saga is, ironically, about the unnecessity of vengeance and how destructive grudges and resentment can be. Think about it:

In Not Sorry For Loving You, Odysseus lets Calypso rant and then walks away without confronting her or accusing her, even telling her what she wants to hear one last time. I already discussed why Odysseus is an incredibly non-judgmental, non-resentful person in my Monster essay, and here is another excellent example of that.

Charybdis (I'm skipping Dangerous because he doesn't encounter any enemies there) is the first "monster" enemy he leaves alive since Polyphemus (Scylla doesn't count because he still "kills" for the sake of getting past her, even if it's in the form of sacrificing his men.) While one might argue that he had no choice since Charybdis is virtually impossible to kill, I think placing this encounter here might be an intentional choice especially since it differs greatly from the way that Charybdis is in the Odyssey. There has to be reason behind this change.

In Get In The Water (my beloved 🫶) we are explicitly shown that Odysseus offers Poseidon (the god who killed his whole fleet and is responsible for most of his suffering) forgiveness. The reason Odysseus has to torture him in the first place is Poseidon's own refusal of this mercy—he's literally torturing Poseidon in order to make him finally release the grudge because he has proven that this is the only way to actually get through to him. It actually shows perfectly that Poseidon's own inability to release his resentment became his downfall in the end, disproving his own "ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves" motto as his own ruthlessness bit him in the a** this time, as I talked about in this post.

... And there is no resentment or vengeance in Six Hundred Strike either.

On one hand, it's easy to assume phrases like "For every comrade, every one of my friends, almost all of whom were slaughtered by your hand" or "How does it feel to be helpless? How does it feel to know pain?" indicate resentment, but ... not really.

We already know that Odysseus doesn't want vengeance, or he wouldn't have tried to lead from the heart one song earlier.

And then make yourself aware of something else: Not once during any of their encounters is Odysseus actually accusing or resenting Poseidon for anything.

"Almost all of whom were slaughtered by your hand" is an objective fact. It's just true. Someone vengeful may have said "I'll make you pay for all of those you slaughtered" or "All of their deaths are your fault" ... Odysseus just says, "for every comrade". He doesn't specify what he's doing for his comrades ... and it sure as hell isn't that he's (trying to) cause Poseidon pain or harm for them (which would be vengeance.)

For every comrade, he is fighting Poseidon, in order to finally reach his goal. For every comrade, he's doing everything that he has to do in order to get home, and in order to end this feud.

And then we get to the torture scene and it's ... actually so incredibly freaking intimate. Because it's not actually about vengeance, it's not about accusing Poseidon, or making him pay, or suffer more than necessary. If Odysseus were speaking from a genuine vengeance angle, he'd probably sound more like, "You killed my friends, now you pay for it. You did this to me and now it is your time to suffer." But he doesn't.

The torture scene in Six Hundred Strike is actually ... just another, much more extreme, repeat of Odysseus' lines from Get In The Water (my beloved 🫶): "Aren't you tired, Poseidon? It's been ten years, how long will this go? We're both hurting from losses, so why not leave this here and just go home?"

Odysseus tried saying it nicely ... now he's stabbing him with his own trident, hoping, practically begging, that he finally listens and accepts. Just lets them both go home.

And the thing is, this time, he isn't just saying "we're both hurting from losses" ... All you have to do is repeat to yourself Odysseus' entire monologue that he unleashes while he's stabbing him in a calmer, gentler tone and you'll see that what he is actually yelling out at Poseidon are all of the reasons why he is hurting. Sharing with him all of the pain that he probably hasn't shared with anyone ... ever.

"How does it feel to be helpless? How does it feel to know pain?" -> How does it feel to be vulnerable? I've felt vulnerable for so long without anyone to talk to or because no one truly understood me or what I'm going through.

"I watched my friends die in horror, crying as they were all slain. I heard their final moments, calling their captain in vain." -> This is why I am hurting. These are my losses.

"Look what you turned me into. Look what we've become." -> Look what I could be if I actually followed your lessons. Is this what you really want? Why can't you understand the harm that this is causing both of us?

"All of the pain that I've been through ... haven't I suffered enough?" -> Aren't you tired, Poseidon? It's been ten years, how long will this go? We're both hurting from losses, so why not leave this here and just go home?"

"You didn't stop when I begged you." -> I asked you to "Stop this, please" mere minutes ago. You didn't stop. That's why I'm doing this.

"(You) told me to close my heart. You said the world is dark. Didn't you say that ruthlessness is mercy?" -> I'm doing what you said you wanted me to do. Do you really want this? Do you really believe this? Can something like this really be mercy?

The first time I heard this, I firmly believed that Odysseus was actually crying during this part, and honestly, I believe that to this day. The canon visuals don't show us his face and I want to almost say that's intentional.

This whole scene is about vulnerability. Forced vulnerability, in a lot of ways, but raw, real vulnerability nonetheless.

This isn't just a torture scene; it's actually one of the most intimate scenes we've ever seen Odysseus share with anyone on screen. Seldom do we see him this honest in front of others (the vulnerable scene with Circe at the end of There Are Other Ways is the only other example I can think of.) Otherwise, all of his honest, raw songs are his solo songs (Monster, Just A Man, ...)

But here, Odysseus is essentially using the symbol of Poseidon's invulnerability—his trident—to force him into the most vulnerable position that he's probably been in centuries, if not ever ... and at the same time, he is being incredibly vulnerable himself. He's opening up to Poseidon in a kind of absolute way that we have actually never seen him open up to anyone.

... If that is not intimacy in its rawest, most painful, uncomfortable, and yet cathartic forms, I don't know what is.

As if that weren't sad enough... The saddest part about all of this is actually Poseidon's "Monster!" ... Because it tells us without a doubt that he is actually incapable of receiving or understanding those words from Get In The Water (my beloved 🫶). He is incapable of understanding vulnerability. All he can see is the "monstrous" act that accompanies it because that is something he knows and recognizes.

Although I believe, in the end, Odysseus did get through to him, and did get him to drop the grudge, I believe it happened on a kind of subconscious level rather than genuine acknowledgment or agreement. It's further proof of how Odysseus is capable of growth while Poseidon isn't (yet.)

Poseidon remains stuck in his ways, in his "ruthlessness" philosophy, because he isn't ready to acknowledge its flawed nature, essentially making it his own cage that prevents him from growing or moving forward. Meanwhile, Odysseus is walking away, walking ahead.

... Part of me almost wants to claim that he started begging Odysseus to stop so quickly not because of the physical pain, but because of his words. Because the vulnerability forced on him was hurting in a way that physical injuries, even from his own trident, never could. Because deep down, very deep down, he must've ... "felt" what Odysseus wanted him to understand and feel anyway.

Remember how I compared this type of intimacy to the sudden ability to read someone's mind before? I chose this analogy for a reason. What is intimacy if not using the very source of a god's invulnerability, essentially putting yourself into his divine shoes, doing what you know he would do to you ... in order to force him to connect to your mortal feelings and pains, even if he can still not truly understand them?

Here is where we see, for the first time, maybe ever, what even Odysseus and Athena couldn't do (yet), and the core reason why their partnership broke apart: a mortal and a divine genuinely understood each other's perspectives ... saw themselves in the other, even if only for a moment.

Given all that ... there is absolutely nothing I can say against kicking my feet and giggling excitedly over this scene.

[marymayday]

No ones going to unpack flashpoint Joker and Batman and what it Implies about OG Joker and Batman.

Fine I'll do it myself.

Welcome to the brain rot take a seat and a glass of whisky cuz we are going to get deep in some mind slime. I'm going to write a fic on this eventually but I first need to get my initial ideas out of my head and on the page.

Also if you don't like batjokes your not safe here. DC thinks that it can just make a straight version of batjokes and not deal with what that says about OG B man and Joke boy. I AM THE CONSEQUENCES!!!!

Also, also I'm going to have Dick and Tim on Martha side and Jason and Damien on Thomas's so if you want to read about that it is coming. Shout out to @peachblossom-odyssey for this idea, I stole it from the bank of there mind and I'm now running with it.

(P.s Interesting that Martha is similar to Mother like in how you spell it)

Also, also, also another shout out to @bloodymary83 for a post about the similarities of Joker and Martha, Got the creative obsession going.

Ok if you want a simple version of these two it's a classic case of "I can fix her". All the while the fixer in question has massive issues but is soooo emotionally constipated he's shiting bricks. yer thay where doomed from the start.

Martha

Basically Martha's deal is that she was a woman raised in the kind of 40s where the best mental health facility was god dame Arkham. (yerrr not the best) She struggled with mental health issues for most of her life and was in and out of Arkham frequently. Not that it helped, there best attempt of a diagnosis was hysteria aka women be crazy. This gave her a bad reputation, but she didn't let that drag her down and became a very popular singer and actress. Bit of a party girl she was here for a good time not a long time.

Thomas

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this guy, Shock to all being a wartime doctor doesn't do wonders for your mental. So what dose a wealthy traumatised man do. see a therapist, HELL no you fuck and drink the emotions away like a real American. Thomas was a good man he did use his wealth to fund hospitals and when out on to the streets to help those who couldn't afford healthcare. He had a strong sense of justice and believed in helping the weak. Unfortunately this resulted into a bit of a hero complex and viewing people more as projects more than people.

Ok that's my brief overview on there's two, more is coming.

[e-b-reads]

@bigcats-birds-and-books tagged me to post some books I want to finish before the end of the year, and @wearethekat tagged me to post some I want to read next year! Since I generally am not planning super far ahead on my own reading, and I have no books I feel I must finish by Dec 31, I'm doing a combo list! Here's some stuff I want to read next (with "next" meaning probably sometime within the next couple months).

The Alpine Zen, by Mary Daheim - For the end of November and the beginning of December, I was just binge-reading a 26-book (it's alphabetical) mysteries series on Libby. It's not a perfect series, but it's good enough that I was sucked in, and I have more time for reading this time of year. Unfortunately, my county's Libby doesn't have the last book in the series!!! Luckily, I was already starting to get less invested by book 24 or so, but I sure would like to see how it wraps up. So putting a pin in this one.

To Live and Die in Dixie, by Kathy Hogan Trocheck - While suffering withdrawal from the above series, I've been poking around looking for a new (maybe shorter) mystery series to distract me. This is book 2 in a promising one. When I say I will read this next, I really mean it - I'll probably be reading it tomorrow.

Conrad's Fate and The Pinhoe Egg, by Diana Wynne Jones - I was doing a spur-of-the-moment reread of the Chrestomanci series this fall, and stopped at these two, so I'd like to pick them back up and finish the reread so I can make more posts about it!

The Signal and the Noise, by Nate Silver - This is a book I need to just grit my teeth and finish - nonfiction, interesting in some ways, I think Nate Silver is smart but that doesn't mean I always agree with how he thinks about things. I got further this time than the last time I tried to read this book several years ago, but I haven't picked it up in like a month or two.

Braiding Sweetgrass, by Robin Wall Kimmerer - This probably is a 2025 book, because I asked for it for Christmas and I think it will be a good book to read slowly in between other things! So assuming my parents follow through and I receive it...

I also have this urge to read The Odyssey, probably the Emily Wilson translation, but my library copy keeps coming due before I get very far. So that may be an eventual 2025 project and/or purchase.

I have not been poking around the most recent posts on tumblr in a minute, and also I combined tag things here, so I'm just going to take the route of saying: if you want to make a list like this, please do! and tag me in it! open invite!

[letoilepourpre]

New King AU basics

this is basically an introduction to the New King AU, since you all enjoyed the premise! It has some personal headcanons included, but for now I'll just make the basis settled so you all can accompany whatever I post about it from now on!

Basics:

In this AU, the soul jam doesn't make cookies immortal, just makes them live wayy longer than an average cookie, and the ancients got old. Cacao was the last one to give up on his jam but, eventually, passed it to Caramel Arrow.

The main plot evolves around Caramel, but Raisin, Choco and Royalberry also get soul jams. Still haven't decided on stuff for the Golden Cheese Kingdom though, I'll wait for when ep 18 is out ASKSMMR

This AU has my personal HC where the soul jam changes its holder's physics. I think you already noticed Caramel's horns already but yeah she gets more dragon-like traits and abilities, Raisin gets crow/angel like features (a mix of Vanilla's angelic appearance and her own touch) and Royal's dragon features are more evident (him being a hollytaya child in this AU. They divorced but eventually get back but it's a whooole story that I might explore later). Choco's appearance is never consistent as Dark Enchantress' soul jam is corrupted, but it's always something to do with shadows.

There are some changes in the kingdoms! I might go in depth with it as the AU expands.

Cacao Kingdom:

Cacao gives the throne to Caramel after the Affogato incident happened, as he doesn't believe he's capable of ruling over a kingdom anymore, that he should've passed the soul jam through before all of that and that he knows that the kingdom will be fine in Caramel's hands. (He already didn't feel too confident in the start of the og story I just kinda focused on it 🤷🏽.

Also Cacao didn't randomly tried to kill Choco in the middle of the story he just felt bad for being the reason for his son to have joined the dark side all because of their fight long ago, another reason for him to pass his throne and jam to somebody he trusts.

Affogato didn't manage to run away, instead getting caught by the Beast Tamers and jailed until Caramel was crowned and decided what to do with him. She makes him join the Beast Tamers as punishment (knows he doesn't like getting dirty)

A lot of cookies didn't like that decision but Carrow has Principals™ and wouldn't kill anyone who was defenseless (now that Affogato didn't have followers, weapons or venom or whatever). She acknowledged that at the same time as she still hates his guts.

Vanilla Kingdom:

Pure Vanilla passes his jam to Black Raisin after she saved everyone's asses in the end of ep 12. They rebuilder the kingdom and then she got the jam. Kinda became the leader of the kingdom since she doesn't like a title like "queen", feels too abundant and she doesn't like it.

Umm nothing changes much rlly. Everything's fine until the odyssey stuff happens (I'm still getting into it)

Hollyberry Kingdom:

Hollyberry being gone was the last straw for Pitaya, who took the kingdom for themself to try and get her attention (misses their wife). A princess contest was made to settle the next heir after Royalberry just to be sure, as the soul jam was kept a secret from Pitaya so they didn't use it to get Holly's attention too. For that, Royal didn't have the power (or courage) to confront Pitaya using it, and even ordered the royal guards to not mess with Pitaya, even Wildberry (look at what divorce leads to /silly).

Like in the story, Princess invades the context and wins it, giving Royal courage to use the shield with the soul jam and fight confront Pitaya with Princess in the only way Pitaya would listen: in a fight. Hollyberry eventually joins in too, her role is very similar to the one she has in the og story, except she was thereby get the soul jam back but decides to let Royal stay with it.

Cookies of Darkness:

Choco got White Lily's/Dark Enchantress' soul jam as he's the most powerful (combat-wise) of the cookies of darkness. Even if upset about not being chosen to be its holder, Pomegranate stills obeys her master and keeps controlling Choco with his blade (now powered by the soul jam) to get to her goals.

After ep 14 Choco doesn't give up on the sword, as Pomegranate stops him before he does. He still thinks about running away for a while though, but since Pomegranate has even more power over him because of both the cursed sword and the corrupted soul jam he still has to find out how to make his body stable without Pomegranate's help.

He eventually does, taking the soul jam and Poison Mushroom with him. He still struggles with how corrupted his body became, but finally the voices are gone and he can focus on himself. He only took Poison Mushroom because he felt bad leaving a child behind (and mayyybe he got attached. They reminded him a liiittle bit of Caramel from when he first started training her)

[syn4k]

Established Ideas For Writing Projects That Will Probably Also Be Quite Large And Time Consuming That Ive Been Idly Rotating for Months While Working On Ashes

That one play that the theatre kids in the Emhec Café universe are working on (untitled)

Formatted as a script for a play; will need to do additional research on how plays are created and formatted

Because I'm me, will also include some metadata (i.e annotations, scribble marks as allowed by ao3 formatting, might have to make a whole work skin for it dear lord i hope it doesn't come to that) from the three authors (Ren, Sausage, and also Wilbur Soot because he's here too)

Play is about a werewolf knight who receives an order from the king to hunt down and kill a werewolf that has been spotted in a nearby forest, which also happens to be the werewolf.

Sausage and Ren are writing the play as a comedy/drama with a healthy bit of gay subtext interjected because why on earth would they not; Wilbur is using it as an outlet to vent about his recent divorce and mostly just adds dramatic angsty monologues that are NOT in line with the tone of the rest of the play at all but the other two let him keep helping because 1. it's funny and 2. nobody knows how or where wilbur lives and they're worried that if he doesnt come to these meetings anymore rhen he might just straight up die.

none of my ideas for this are actually written down anywhere, all of them were brainstormed on a call with a friend like five months ago

immensely ambitious project but would also be fun as hell to write

The Odyssey but make it a modern day roadtrip AU- working title atm is "Took a Wrong Turn at a 7-11 (The Modyssey)"

(original idea by @ wolfythewitch here on Tumblr)

yes, i am going to attempt to interpret a millennia old classic work that has become a part of western literary canon. no, i have not actually read the odyssey before.

everyone has the same name and im like 90% sure that nobody dies. dunno how anything will work again i havent read the odyssey

instead of the argo being a ship, it is a camper van.

i literally have no idea how this is going to work but trust me okay i will do it eventually and it will be glorious and it will be posted to ao3.

Writing Projects That I Need To Actually Complete Before Starting Anything Else Mentioned Above

Echoes in the Halls of the Deeps

YOU HAVE ABANDONED IT FOR LITERAL FUCKING MONTHS GET BACK TO THIS PROJECT IT IS TFC CENTRIC YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING

Arsenic Tea (or Death and her Angel)

this one's been shoved way down the priority list i'll get to it someday but i started it for nanowrimo 2022 and burnt out so bad that i had to just scrap it and do something else to get a grade because i did it for a grade. it's a great concept! i was just in the trenches at the time

[oflights]

💘🍭 for the ask game!

thank you, dear!!

💘Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

hmm, i don't do this much. i do have a collection of drarry fics that i wrote while i was still in undergrad that i eventually took down (so, previously posted??), and have often sort of fantasized about rewriting them (because they were def rough and very representative of how young i was/how new i was to writing fanfic). people still ask for the files a lot, which i feel weird about, so maybe some day i'll make them respectable again?? and beyond that, i'm trying to figure out ways to be kinder to my past work, which is something i've always struggled with. as i've grown as a writer i always wish i could've known the new things i've learned and tried over the years, which is not actually a productive attitude!! like for writing or life, tbh.

hilariously, they really do echo my current drarry revival: one of them is a super long workplace romcom where draco is a healer and harry is a volunteer and they work on the magical bugs and diseases ward. another is a retelling of the part of the odyssey about odysseus and calypso. apparently my writing tastes have not actually changed in 12 years!

🍭 why did you start writing?

again, hmm. i honestly don't know if i have a great answer for this! i guess the easy answer is that i read a ton as a kid and had a truly unhinged imagination that was fed by all the reading, so writing was a way to make sure that stuff didn't just stuff up my head, and that's just how i learned to engage with things that interest me.

send me an emoji for some fun fic asks!

[thessalian]

Thess vs Accumulation

I got my new computer, Phineas, up and running on Monday.

It is now Thursday.

I am still downloading Steam games.

I mean, in all fairness to myself, this is a Steam library that I've been putting together for at least a decade. It's a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I'm not even downloading all of them, because some I just can't really play. Others I'm not sure I will - am not even sure that I should - but am willing to try again at some point. It's like with my books, you see. The day may well come when only one specific game will give me the required dopamine, and woe to me if it's not ready to play, because that level of requiring dopamine is a probably-ADHD thing and downloading the fucker will probably feel like too much effort come that day.

Especially, and I say this after four days of near-constant download, with the sheer size of games nowadays. I mean, take Skyrim for example. It's one of those ones that's considered this huge open-world experience. Well, it doesn't even crack 6GB of hard disc space. Fallout 4? Just a little over 25GB. Dragon Age: Inquisition? Around 26GB.

Now, Baldur's Gate 3 I get being as big as it is. It's ... well, it's fucking huge. But Veilguard's going to be pushing 100GB as well. Horizon Forbidden West is 122GB, when you add the Burning Shores DLC. Call of Duty: Black Ops 6? Over 300GB. Now, I don't play CoD, but what exactly is taking up all that space? Shiny graphics, probably. But, I mean, the graphics of the Silent Hill 2 remake are pretty spiffy but that one's only in the 50GB range - if you can call doubling the size of the average game from ten years ago "only". Then again, Assassin's Creed: Odyssey is from 2018, and it's a little over 108GB. (Hate to think what kind of size we're looking at for Valhalla, Mirage, and especially the upcoming Shadows - Ubisoft sandboxes tend to have the bloat.)

Thing is, all of those are big-developer games (because while Larian isn't exactly AAA, it is a big developer). Dredge is only about a year and a half old and it doesn't even take up a full GB of disc space, even with two DLCs. In fact, a lot of my games fall into the < 1GB-5GB range. So when I say I've been downloading games for four days, there have been a lot of games. It's just those relatively few that end up in the double or even triple digits in terms of hard disc space that are taking up the time.

And the stupid part is that those huge ones? The ones that are taking all the time, and will take more once I stick Neir: Automata and Total War III into the queue? Most of those are on my list of "least likely to actually play".

Baldur's Gate 3? Sure. Yes. That one's the big one, and it's definitely on the To Play list, forever and ever amen. Horizon Forbidden West? I either have to finish that one or start all over again from the perspective of knowing what the fuck I'm doing, but yes. But ... that's it, for the big ones. Odyssey, Total War III, Neir: Automata? They're "just in case" games. I'm probably not even going to bother with Jedi: Fallen Order - much as I'd like to play it, I can't hack anything that's in the same post code as a Souls-like. ...But I probably will install KOTOR and KOTOR 2. The graphics will be janky and I'll have to download mods that make things work better, especially in the case of KOTOR 2 where way too much plot-salient content got left on the cutting-room floor because something went badly wrong with budgets or something at Obsidian... But I'm more likely to replay them than I am the big budget hugeness.

And this is what I mean about why I accumulate games. One day I will be in the mood to poke at Odyssey again, probably. I will probably get the hang of Total War III eventually, even if I do find some of the UI kind of janky. So I will download and install them, while I play the ones that got prioritised either because I play them more often or because they're shorter and thus quicker to download. And if the smaller, less bombastic, less expensive indie titles get more of my time, attention, and overall love, and have done for years? Well, they deserve that love, and at least they're not that expensive.

And, thankfully, neither are external SSDs.

[l0yalkn1ght]

I've always had an insatiable urge to create. From as long as I can remember, I've been interested in expressing myself through various mediums, though none have been as successful as my writing. I can attest to producing four unpublished novels and a constant growing number of "beginnings," as I like to call them. But I've always yearned to teach myself how to draw.  There's just something magical about visual modes of expression that always amazes me.

My elementary school had a pretty decent art program, which eventually led me to take a drawing class in high school. The teacher let us sit wherever we wanted, so I chose to take up space at a table with my friends. This was a big mistake for me because I wasn't fully aware just how talented my two friends were when I decided to share the space with them. Most of the time while we were working on the various assignments, I kept silently comparing my work with theirs and this filled me with a sense of doubt. Near the end of the year, another teacher approached my friends about joining an advanced class for the next year, and it became sort of an inside joke that I was the only one at the table that didn't get this privilege. When it was time to pick classes for the next school year, my mind was racked with doubt and shame, so I decided not to pursue the Drawing 2 class, thinking my time was better spent on other subjects. It's one of my biggest regrets that still creeps up on me when I'm sitting in bed staring up at my popcorn-less ceiling.

Although I'm not really sure how I stumbled upon it, I ended up purchasing Alex Huneycutt's Solo Artist course a few months back. Since then, I have been letting my fear of failure get the better of me. Procrastination loves to munch on this fear because it's always more convenient to not do what drives you, no matter how bad you want it. But it is something I want to do. I want it more than Pacman wants dots, Gordon Freeman wants crowbars, and Bowser wants Peach. But if I go it alone, I'll need some accountability so that I stick to the entire course.

That's where this blog comes in.

I'm going to start Term One of the course this month, even though I get chills just thinking about it. I plan to spend at least 4 weeks on each Unit, but might repeat one if I think there is more to be learned from that topic. I'll try to write a post at least once a week summarizing what I did, what I learned, and showing off pictures of the art I did. This should (hopefully) light a fire under my ass to get started on this long odyssey.

Can't wait to start making progress on my art journey!

[zanyana626]

Princess Zazie 🍹🌋

I've been slacking off on posting about her & it's been a month already since I saw the Mario Movie, so sorry for the wait! I used this picrew cuz I have no artsy drawing skills.

Zazie's the chaotic neutral ruler of the Lost Kingdom from Mario Odyssey, along with the Soda Jungle from New Super Mario Bros U. Out of all the princesses in the Marioverse, she's the more intimidating one (mostly bc of her medusa-like/prehensile hair powers) but she has a good heart when it comes to protecting what's left of her kingdom!

After a rough battle to protect the Lost Kingdom from Bowser & the Koopa Troop, she became allies with the Koopa King and eventually started to fall in love with him. She understands what it feels like to be seen as an intimidating leader, when in reality, both Zazie & Bowser long for someone to love.

I'll post Zee's full backstory later on bc it got too long here so stay tuned for that!

[bangct]

A bit jealous?

Pairing: Ot7 x FEM reader

Genre: fluff, slight angst, slight nsfw

Warning: y/s is a crybaby, she's jealous and it shows, Yoongi is sorry but won't have it, aside from that, this is fluffy comfort and words of love. Choking, just a little bit, suggestive thoughts and that's it i think.

Summ: Being in a secret relationship with "the" band of the moment was by far an odyssey, it was not a secret how jealous you could get sometimes, and they would do things on purpose to make you mad, even when you tried not to show it, however not feeling quite good that specific day had an effect on you, and seeing you boyfriends have a little too much fun with 'that' girl made you lose it.

Word count : 13k(msorry)

Date: April, 19 2022

a/n: Right, I'm posting this as a first story, i had this in my drafts for so long I just needed to throw it out. I don't remember the time i wrote so it might not be that good, but i don't wanna loose it so il leave it here. i usually post nsfw but i wanted to start soft and I'll eventually show the dark side of this lol. I appreciate a good feedback, so do not hesitate, also be constructive not destructive.

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The headache I had was becoming unbearable, I had been assigned to cover for a stylist who had called in sick, and of course, the staff was not going to risk the  members by keeping a sick hairstylist. It was these moments that reminded me why I only worked in the music area and not as a stylist or makeup artist, of course I was capable to do it, but my patience was not so much under pressure, so once we had finished, I didn't hesitate to throw myself on the couch in the dressing room, my head was throbbing and my mood was going downhill. Several minutes had already passed and on the monitoring screen I could see how the guys were having fun and laughing in that interview. I got distracted for a moment and when I turned to see the screen again, I saw the girl who had been causing so much controversy but so much joy for the BTS fans, Halsey.

So, great, Halsey was there, as a surprise I guess, I couldn't hold back the smile that adorned my lips, I liked seeing them like that, genuinely happy, and Halsey was a good person, at least as far as I had known her, I was never a big fan of her music, but she seemed to get along with them, so it was all good. 

The minutes passed and I was starting to get irritated with the way they were looking at her, although I wasn't going to deny my jealousy, I've always tried to stay out of it and not get carried away with my thoughts, however, the headache and my mood seemed to say otherwise and my annoyance only increased. My eyes wouldn't leave Jimin, who seemed quite comfortable being almost on top of her. 

Can't they give her her own microphone? 

Ugh, I wanted to stop watching them, it was starting to annoy me too much, I tried to calm down but couldn't, their bracelets, their matching outfits, ah, and what was that? Perfect mentioned Yoongi, of course, perfect. 

I felt my blood boiling, so i decided to get up and go to the car, I knew it was the last interview of the day, so I went to manager Sejin and asked him if I could go to the car, he clearly noticed my state and as always in his concern, he asked if everything was ok. 

"I am, there is nothing to worry about, you know how much these interviews stress me out, I just need to rest." Sejin narrowed his eyes without believing much in my words but he let me go, I mentally thanked him for not asking more questions, while I was gathering my things I could hear the commotion that the guys were making as they came back, I tried to do it as fast as possible so I could escape, but it was impossible.

I watched as they entered one by one, I frowned when I noticed that Namjoon was not there, but seconds later I saw him enter the dressing room together with Halsey, wonderful, just what I needed...

She saw me and smiled broadly, something that only made me feel terrible.

"y/n!!! What a surprise, I haven't seen you in a while, I'm so glad you're here." Without thinking about it, Halsey came closer and wrapped me in a tight hug, kissed my cheek and smiled even wider than before. "I was just asking Joon about you, it's good that you are accompanying him in these things, it can get tedious and it's great to have someone to take you out of the routine even for a moment, isn't it Joonie?" 

Joonie?

The audacity of this woman, I restrained the urge to roll my eyes, and it seemed that Namjoon noticed it, since I got a glimpse of the way his frown was furrowing, I tried to put on my best smile and cleared my throat to be able to answer, at this point, the rest of the guys seemed to be very interested in what I had to say.

" Yes, it's so good seeing you too, I'm glad to hear that your collaboration is going in the best direction. I listened to it and well, you have a beautiful voice that suits it amazingly." While my words were genuine, the following was clearly a very direct dig at the seven who seemed pleased with my response. 

"I mean, the guys have already told you how perfect and wonderful you are, I guess I have nothing more to say after such praise, I don't blame them, they are absolutely right." The smile on her face told me that she definitely had no idea about the reality of things, while looking at the guys, I could tell the hint of surprise and confusion at what I had said. 

"Now, I really hate to say goodbye, but there's a car waiting for me, it was nice to see you, i hope to see you in the future, and congrats on the song. I'm sure it will go great." Without further ado, I gave her a short hug, grabbed my stuff and headed to the door. Of course the guys were even more confused, and I was more irritated than ever.

 As soon as I was home I didn't hesitate to rush to the shower, wanting to scrub the stress out of me with soap. Once ready, I changed into my most comfortable pajamas and jumped into bed. 

My head still felt like it was about to explode, and it definitely got worse when I heard the sound of the door opening. I think it was the first time in 7 years of our relationship that I hated hearing the sound of the door opening. 

I tried to pretend to fall asleep while the noise increased, a few seconds passed, and I noticed how suddenly silence was the only thing that filled the place. Just when I was about to get up, the door to my room opened, and a black-haired man peeked his head out looking for a sign to enter.

"Noona? Can I come in?" Jungkook, it was more than obvious that they would send Jungkook to check that everything was okay. 

"Yes, you can come in" my voice sounded muffled and somewhat irritated, which made jungkook frown.

I watched as he closed the door to my room and approached the bed. I looked at him from where I stood and couldn't help but sigh as I noticed the youngest of the seven, he was still in the same clothes from the interview but no makeup or shoes. He smiled at me and didn't hesitate to climb onto the bed, his hands traveled to my waist and in a second he pulled me to him, squeezing me and clinging me to his chest. I couldn't help the sigh that left my lips the moment I felt him close, my arms moved on their own and wrapped around him tightly, hugging him as if I was afraid he was going to disappear. 

"What's wrong, Noona? You left without even saying goodbye, do you feel sick? Do you need me to call the doctor?" I quickly denied all his words, instead I hugged him tightly, feeling my eyes start to sting, which only indicated one thing, crying. 

Jungkook pulled me away from him and cradled my face in his hands, concern filling his face.

"Baby, please tell me what's wrong, I hate  seeing you like this, please." His words made my heart flutter, I knew that they all worried about me, and Jungkook had always made it clear, it was endearing.

"I'm just stressed and tired, I'm exaggerating, don't mind me."  I grunted and lifted my face showing that all traces of crying were gone. He smiled, caressed my cheeks and moved closer to meet his lips with mine, I sighed and didn't hesitate to reciprocate, I loved the taste of his lips against mine, his hands traveled to my waist once again and he squeezed me gently, making me gasp slightly at the sensation.

 He pulled away as he let out a light chuckle, which made me blush in a second.

 "Cute" he murmured before leaving a small peck on my lips. "I'm sorry the hyungs made you feel bad, you know we all love you the same way and there's nothing or no one that will make us change our minds."

His words took me by surprise, making me lower my gaze for a moment in sorrow. I bit my lower lip and did not hesitate to hug him once again. I was so lost in his arms that I didn't notice the door opening once more, until I felt the bed slightly undulating next to me, clearly on the side where Jungkook was not. I pulled away from him slightly and turned my face to see Namjoon sitting there looking at me with a pout, yoongi and Jimin were also there, while hoseok, taehyung and jin were standing at the foot of the bed.

"We are truly sorry, you know we love you more than anyone else, and there is no one who can replace you." This time Jimin spoke softly, a slight pout on his lips and seemed to want to get closer, but he looked hesitant. The rest of the boys looked almost desperate, looking for an answer from me, anything to tell them that everything was okay.

I bit my lips and didn't know what to say, as I was quite embarrassed, Halsey had a boyfriend and her relationship with the boys was evidently professional and work related, of course, they were friends, but only that. I turned to Jungkook and hugged him tightly, hiding my face in his chest, which made him giggle. He didn't hesitate to put his arms around me and leave a kiss in my hair. 

"She is clearly annoyed with you, I was clearly interested in snacks, losers." Jungkook laughed and as soon as he stopped I felt a pair of hands grabbing me from behind.

A gasp escaped my lips, and when I realized, Namjoon was pulling me to him, leaving me on his lap, which only made my face turn into all shades of red. 

"Baby...Please don't be upset, I'm really sorry, you know it's all business, I never meant to make you feel bad." His words came out almost in a whisper, and of course, he was right, I was overreacting because of my annoyance and irritation.

"She called you Joonie" an unconscious pout appeared on my lips making the dimpled man laugh, and I swear I could hear the others let out slight giggles. 

"You know I'm yours, baby, only yours, no need to feel jealous." His hands traveled to my face to caress it gently. Having the rest of the guys there, made it all quite familiar, being all together in my room, me on Joon's lap, yes, it was definitely all quite familiar, although the context was quite different, if you know what I mean....

Anyway, my thoughts were starting to consume me wandering way too far from what was happening, memories of other occasions filled me and I couldn't contain myself from biting my lips. Of course Namjoon noticed. He always does, as a low chuckle came out of his mouth making me feel almost like floating, one of his hands caressed my face while the other one went down to my waist. 

"What are you thinking of, love? That mind of yours flies so fast, care to share?"

He murmured In a low tone that always made my knees weak and my head fuzzy.

"Hyung, you are making her blush too much, let us at least say something too" it was Taehyung who came closer to pull me into his arms, without waiting he started to fill my face with kisses as well as apologies for making me feel bad. 

"Jagi, you know we love you, I love you the most but that's a different conversation, please forgive us." 

Well, it was definitely a  hard image to resist, just when I was about to say something I heard several grumbles from the others, who were complaining at taehyung's words.

"Yah, you don't love her more than us, brat" said Jin, coming closer to stand near me, as well as Yoongi and Hoseok who looked amused at the situation. 

"I'm sorry I reacted like that, I was irritated and tired, but you know I didn't mean it, I love you guys it won't happen again." At this I felt how more arms tried to wrap around me without really succeeding, I noticed how Yoongi stayed behind, looking at everything with a smile. It seemed like Jungkook noticed it, so he threw a pillow at the older one while laughing.

"Yah, Hyung, aren't you going to hug her? I think she was most upset with you when she saw us in the dressing room." Said Jungkook while still laughing lightly, making Yoongi blush, something that didn't go unnoticed by anyone in the room.  The aforementioned scratched the back of his neck, not really knowing what to do, Hoseok left a space next to him and pulled his hand to bring him closer to the bunch of bodies on my bed. 

"Don't be shy hyungnim, it's been almost 8 years, get over it already." With that comment, Hoseok got a kick from Yoongi and laughter from the other five in the room. Yoongi reached over and grabbed my face to close the distance and kiss my lips, which I didn't expect. Yoongi was usually reserved when it came to affection, so it was a bit of a surprise when he kissed me. His hands roamed over my waist and torso. It was looking all innocent, until his hand wrapped around my neck with some strength, my eyes went big and of course, my face turned red. He looked at me with some intensity and something else I couldn't describe, as he came closer to my face, I could hear how my other boyfriends were whispering God knows what. 

"I don't want to hear again that you are jealous, I don't want to take other actions, although I'm sure you wouldn't mind those." He smiled and oh god, it was that smile that made me turn into a quivering mess. I wanted to say something but I was way too focused on him to even do something. "I need you to understand that you are ours, and if you're ours there is no human force that will manage to make us stop loving you, so quit it, or we'll show you how it is."

A quite high moan escaped from my lips,it was now a different atmosphere, before I knew it, hands were once again trailing all over my body, they were soft but it was a matter of time for them to turn into something else.

"Please show me.."

[burnt-kloverfield]

Happy New Year! Just dropping links to some of my sideblogs, because hey, why not? I think they’re pretty neat. Anyways, there’s a bunch of random things, some aesthetic stuff, a Reylo sideblog, I mean, you might find some more stuff you just love, right? And likes come from me, this is my main, but I might reblog the stuff I love to my sideblogs. That’s how that works. Anywho, links below the read more:

Aesthetic Blogs

@darkspringaesthetic​  If you’re looking for cottagecore, classical paintings, green countrysides, purple flowers, stormy skies, etc. you’ll find it all here. Perhaps most regular of my sideblogs. It really started before cottagecore took off. It’s that feeling of a rainy spring day, where there’s new life everywhere, but it’s dark and rainy. 

@feverdreamsummer This is a vaporwave aesthetic blog. "VaporWave Americana It's the feeling you get, when you're on a road trip, and you've just woken up from a nap, and your face is hot from the sun coming in through the window, and you might have just missed the Hollywood sign, but you're catching sight of the most beautiful sunset you'll never see again."

@royalwinterkingdom Wintry, snow, velvet. It's gotten a tad pink/purple/pastel, but it was originally meant to feel like you're royalty in all your fur and velvet looking over the pine forests of your snow covered kingdom.

Fandom Blogs

@pulltothelight Reylo sideblog, need I say more? Okay, well, I do write Reylo fanfic, and you can find that there. It's a mix of classic Reylo stuff, new Reylo stuff, Star Wars, Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, etc.

@buildingverse I'm going to catch up one day, I promise! "The center of Multidimensional Chaos caused by AsheRhyder's Roommates and all the Buildingverse Fandom. A fanblog who went on hiatus and then never caught up but will, eventually. " I mainly reblog Labyrinth, Phantom of the Opera, and Pirates of the Caribbean here. Like I reblog all of those on my main, too, but here is specifically for that kind of stuff. I never finished the comic, but I am going to sit down and completely binge it, one, day! I swear!!!

@kloversims I play sims, and I used to post more. Now, I guess this is cc or something, IDK. Pretty dormant? Maybe I'll start up a new legacy or something *shrugs*

Random Blogs

@cringydashboard This one is pretty much me digging through the depths of my ancient dashboard (I just figured out a way to see how my dashboard would look in like 2011, etc) and I'm reblogging old, classic, funny, interesting, truly cringy tumblr posts. It just feels like time to dig back into the past and relive why we all love tumblr.

@dollchronicles Look, I love cute things, games, toys, childish things. I personally have a tag about wanting to live with the muppets. This blog though is about toys and cute games. Originally for Toca Boca, but now it's mainly Tsuki Odyssey.

@becominglolitaprincess Speaking of cute things, You wanna follow my selfie blog?

@autismwehaveaproblem I'm autistic, I love autism, I post enough about it to really have a whole blog for itself, right?

[auroraknux]

(EDIT: This is somewhat out of date now lol)

My SPM AU has evolved since the last posts I made about my ideas (which I can't find now anyway), so I figured it was time for an updated post. It's still a mess of ideas with no clear outline, unfortunately. I'll try to keep it as brief as possible, so some details are going to be left out. So, in no particular order, here are a bunch of my ideas:

There is only one Prognosticus. It tells of a terrible future where a void will consume the world. The "twin in green" will play a significant role in this. The book states that the only way to destroy the Chaos Heart is if the "twin in red" destroys the "twin in green". Mario doesn't want to lose Luigi, so he's desperate to find another way.

Blumiere never became Count Bleck. Timpani was never "killed" and never became Tippi. Dimentio is the main villain from the very beginning.

Mario and Bowser are dating. Luigi and Prince Peasley are dating. Peach is either dating Pauline or has a crush on her. (I don't think Pauline will play a huge role either way, but she may still show up at some point.) I was considering pairing Nastasia and O'Chunks but I'm not sure yet.

Peasley is one of the main heroes, alongside Mario, Peach, and Bowser.

Mario and Luigi have their Firebrand and Thunderhand.

Nastasia can change between her human form and her original bat form at will.

Luigi becomes Mr. L right away and stays that way for most of the story. The characters actually recognize him here. However, they don't know about Mr. L at first, and think that Luigi has been captured or something. It's a huge shock to them all when Mr. L first shows up and starts attacking them.

Mr. L is basically the personification of a lot of things that Luigi has kept pent up over the years. The heroes think he's just under mind control at first, but later realize that the situation is far more complicated than that.

Nastasia was still the one who turned Luigi into Mr. L. However, she was more reluctant about it here. She is unhappy working for Dimentio, but feels trapped in her situation. Luigi was really sweet and his visits made her happy, so she feels guilty about what she did to him. She doesn't want the world to be destroyed--but again, she feels trapped. (I'm not sure what convinced her to join Dimentio or why she's afraid to leave.)

Dimentio spent a lot of time manipulating Luigi into joining him, so that he could fulfill his role in the prophecy. It was when Luigi started to realize that Dimentio was evil that the brainwashing took place.

Nastasia, O'Chunks, and Mimi also have roles in the prophecy (though I have no idea what they are). They all eventually turn against Dimentio for whatever reasons, completely defying the roles they were meant to play. (This gives the heroes hope.)

There's no flipping or other worlds. Everything takes place in one world. The current plan is that the story will mostly use locations from the M&L games and Odyssey.

Mario and Luigi still have their mental connection they had as babies that allowed them to sense where the other was, and if he was in danger. Mr. L deliberately cuts off the connection, which causes Mario a lot of distress.

One of the Pure Hearts is in the Pi’illo Kingdom. There's a scene where Mario has a nightmare involving Mr. L, and the gang go into the dream world to help him. This strengthens the bond between the group, which causes the Pure Heart to appear. (I'll give more details about the nightmare if anyone wants to know.)

Peasley and Mr. L can't stop flirting during battles. It drives both sides nuts.

The Chaos Heart is still created by a sham wedding between Bowser and Peach. I was considering having the day be saved by a Bowsario wedding, since I'm pairing them here. (They don't die/disappear like Blumiere and Timpani did in the original, don't worry.)

That's all I can think of at the moment. Feel free to ask questions (or, you know...suggest things to help me out...)

[petri808]

Fandom: Fairy Tail. Rating: Mature.  Nalu AU ANGST trigger warning.  Based on this post.  Just under 10k words

Lucy Heartfilia is diagnosed with a heart defect. Stuck in the hospital waiting on the transplant list, there is only one thing bringing any light to her dreary world; a volunteer named Natsu Dragneel who truly becomes her bittersweet savior.

@uzumaki2810 Here you go, I hope you like it :)  Also thank you to the angst queen @doginshoe IM SORRY I FORGOT TO ADD THIS MESSAGE ;-; she beta’d and bore the tears with me to make sure it was a good story :)

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

It all started back in her last year of middle school when puberty really kicked into overdrive and she developed a well-endowed chest.  She assumed the little pricks of pain related to the added weight cause they sure gave her a backache if she pushed herself too hard.  Exercise was overly exhausting, so there went any chances of making the cheer squad in high school.  Not that Lucy was really interested in sports, but by the start of high school she realized any physical activity needed to be avoided.  But she didn’t want to worry her father since it was a random pain that would only surface if she exerted herself; ergo it was her boob’s fault, and she kept the pain to herself.

As time passed, and her high school years carried on, Lucy did her best to ignore the symptoms, even when something new manifested itself.  Fatigue…  she was studying too hard.  Rapid heartbeat… well, there was that cute boy that just walked by.  Shortness of breath when she laid down…  it’s just from the weight of her chest.  Each and every time, Lucy found a rational explanation.  She buried her nose in her studies as an outlet, which she really didn’t mind so much.  Her favorite thing to do in the world was to write quick fantasy stories she’d make up, and she’d often spend her breaks holed up in the library researching some new topic of dragons or fairies or whatever had caught her attention.

“Ugghhhh,” Lucy flinches as the blinding white light breaks through the surface of her vision.  She shields her eyes and slowly opens them but can only manage a tiny squint.  Her mind was groggy, and she swore her limbs felt like dead weights.  “W-Where am I?”        

She hears the muffled sound of her father’s voice calling for a doctor.  Why was there a slight ringing in her ear?  Something about she’s awake now, hurry?  The rest had been too muffled to understand.  Had she been asleep?  Lucy was completely confused. But the light… the light was so bright!

“Ms. Heartfilia?  Ms. Heartfilia, can you hear me?”

It was a strange male voice talking to her.  Where did her father go?

“Yes,” she croaks out, flinching as her body is coming out of its slumber and suddenly a sharp pain hits her again.  Lucy winces, this was worse than before.

“Ms. Heartfilia, do you know where you are?”

She shakes her head.  

“You’re in the hospital, dear.”

Wait!  It was her father’s voice again.  What did he mean she was in a hospital!  Lucy forces herself to open her eyes fully, though, keeping her hand between her face and the overhead lights.  “Why am I in a hospital?!”

Lucy hears the doctor's voice again, seemingly at a distance because her viewpoint was limited, speaking to someone.  Fainted.  Temporary amnesia.  Congenital heat disease.  Wait what?!  “Hey what’s going on?!” she calls out then is hit by another spike of pain.  Damn it!  “Dad?   Hello?!”  But it’s like she was being ignored.  Birth defect.  Advanced case.  Surgery.  “Someone please talk to me!”  Tears prick at the corners of her eyes.  “Talk to me!!!”  A third, and now the largest stab of pain hits her.  Lucy cries out at the pain and curls in on herself.  More shouting and the voice returns, hands probing something near her chest, and machines starting to blare out warning beeps.

“Please calm down Ms. Heartfilia, calm down, don’t push yourself too much or the pain will get worse.”

How could this get any worse…

That was 3 years ago, and the sands of time were running low.

Her father had done all he could, dragging her to specialist after specialist, exhausting a chunk of his fortune on doctors from one coast to the other, only to be told Lucy would need a heart transplant or she may not see her twenty-first birthday.  The most they could do for her while she waited on the transplant list was implant a ventricular assist device into her body.  It gave her a small measure of freedom instead of being tied to a normal transcutaneous machine, but it was still uncomfortable.  Her movements were restricted, she had to be careful of catching a cold, and what ended up being the hardest part, was the breast reduction surgery they had her undergo at the same time of the VAD surgery to reduce the weight and strain it added to her heart.

For so long she’d blamed her large breasts for causing all her pains, but now that she knew they weren’t, it was sad to see them go.  They were a part of her after all, no matter how much of a headache they could be.  For weeks after the surgery, Lucy could barely look at herself in the mirror.  She didn’t recognize herself anymore.  This youthful woman with tubes sticking out of her stomach which attached to a device around her waist that helped her weakened heart muscles do their job to keep her alive.  That had been the diagnosis, a congenital birth defect that weakened her heart muscles, and as she aged, the muscles would continue to deteriorate.  Oh, her father was so furious when they were told she didn’t qualify for an artificial heart because death wasn’t imminent.  

It hadn’t taken long after completing high school that the depression had surfaced.  All of her friends were moving on to college, most to distant campuses so she had no one to talk to.  Lucy would hide away in her bedroom for days at a time as the internal struggle mounted.  Why continue to go through this pain and struggle… why not just end it quickly and painlessly.  It was tempting.  From the research she’d done on heart defects, the end wasn’t very pretty.  Her only hope was a donor, but people die every day on the transplant list waiting for a heart that never came, just growing weaker and weaker….

At least the VAD had given her two decent years, but her days of being an outpatient at the hospital had come to an end.  Even with the device assisting her heart, Lucy’s body was struggling to deal with the strain.  The smallest exertions required fuel from her heart to power her body, so even something as minimal as the fatigue of reading a book for too long could trigger an arrythmia or worse, and the pain that may accompany it.  She needed to stay in the hospital so that her heart could be constantly monitored and if there was any sudden change, they could address it quickly.

The doctors were doing their best to keep her alive in the hopes a donor would surface.  But you never knew when one would become available, and her time was running short.  The original prediction of not making it to twenty-one was fast approaching.  Frankly, Lucy felt like it was by the luck of the draw and the odds were better at a Las Vegas casino.  It was a lonely experience being cooped up in the hospital and thankfully there was one glimmer of happiness amongst the sterile white halls.

“Lucy!”      

“Hi Natsu.”

He smirks, “I brought you something.”  The young man was bouncing on the balls of his feet with his hands clasped behind his back.  

All the volunteers that visited the hospital were kind people, but there was one that made Lucy smile the most.  A young man named Natsu Dragneel.  She’d told herself at the beginning of her medical odyssey that she wouldn’t let anyone get too close to her, not only for her protection but there’s.  The pain of losing someone you care about was an emotion Lucy had borne at the tender age of five when her mother lost her own battle to cancer, and it was a feeling she didn’t wish upon her worst enemy.  But this man sure made that promise a tough one to keep.    

Natsu’s adoptive mother was a long-time surgery nurse at this hospital, who had had taught him the value of life.  It was because of seeing her kindness towards people that spurred his decision to be a volunteer.  Even at eighteen years of age he knew that volunteering would be difficult, and five years later, he would admit it never got any easier.  Many volunteers eventually burn out, especially when dealing with the terminal patients, but Natsu pushed through, reminding himself it was those very patients that needed their support the most.

“Oh,” she quirks an eyebrow, “what is it?”

“Tada!” he whips out a single yellow rose with pinkish-red tipped petals and hands it to her.  “My younger sister showed me how to dye the tips, isn’t it cool!”

Lucy takes the flower, “wow that is really beautiful!  The pink even matches your hair.” She lifts it to her nose and picks up on the light rosy fragrance it exuded.  “Smells nice too.”  She tries to hand it back to Natsu.

“Tch, my hair’s not pink, it’s salmon, and I made it for you,” he smiles, “something to brighten your day.”  Natsu then walks over to the small bathroom and fills a cup with water, brings it back and places it on the small windowsill next to her bed.  “For the flower.”

“Thank you,” Lucy blushes a little and hands him back the bloom since she couldn’t reach the cup herself. “It was really kind of you to bring me that Natsu.”

“Nah,” he places the flower in the cup for her, “I’d do anything to make you smile.”

It wasn’t every day, but Natsu would come to see her as often as he could.  His regular job as a construction worker wasn’t a regular 9 to 5 kind of thing.  Some weeks he might work five days straight, while on slower periods like the winter and early spring months it may only be a couple of days a week depending on weather.  He’d told her that working with his hands was something he enjoyed immensely, and the company was training him to be a carpenter.  

Natsu sure wasn’t what she’d expected of a construction guy.  Oh, his hands showed the roughened appearance of someone who worked hard for a living, but she thought they would be these rough and tumble kind of men.  Not Natsu, with his goofy and sweet personality.  She could only imagine how well such a line of work helped to keep the man in shape.  He always wore t-shirts and jeans, but his trim features hidden behind the fabric were easily discernable.        

The light of the sun brought the yellow rose to life along with a slight tremor in her heart, not of pain but of adoration.  Lucy smiles sweetly at his remark, her eyes crinkling, glinting with a tinge of moisture she had no control over.  She didn’t want to admit her growing affection for this man who always said the sweetest things or made the most charming gestures.  Natsu was always so compassionate and supportive, while never making it seem like it was just his job as a volunteer to comfort the patients.  It was easy to wish that maybe… he was doing it just for her?  

Lucy ducks her head, hiding the hint of jealousy coating her cheeks and tone, “I’m sure you make such kind gestures for the other patients too.”

“Oh, no,” Natsu sits beside her and takes her hand, “just you.”  He gently lifts her chin, forcing her to face him.  She averts her eyes, but he stares forward, softening his glare, almost wanting to chuckle that he’s had such an effect on her.  “You’re special to me.”

Of all the patients in this small hospital, Lucy Heartfilia was the one his heart grieved for the most.  It wasn’t fair, at only twenty years old, for this beautiful and intelligent woman to be tied to a hospital bed, watching her life flash by in the form of ridges and valley peaks.  The first time they had met was two years ago, but back then she would only come in for overnight monitoring’s or check-ups, and after her major surgery, she stayed for a few months during the recovery process.  By now, they were friends, but it had taken work on his part to get her to open up to him.      

“No, I’m not…” Lucy sucks the corner of her bottom lip in to stifle the tremor.  

His tone deepens in a comeback, “Yes, you are.”

Her eyes finally snap to his, and when she sees the determination behind them, reality kicks in.  He was telling the truth!  Oh, heaven help her.  It was cute to dream, but not for it to be real.  She feels a sting in her chest and pushes his hands away.  “Please don’t,” her voice is barely a whisper, trembling from the stinging pain in her heart and her soul.  “I-I shouldn’t be….”  ‘This is so wrong…  Because I’m dying and he deserves someone better.  I shouldn’t have said anything.’  Stupid little daggers of jealousy!  She clutches her chest, willing her heart to still, and pain to subside, ‘please go away!’

“Hey, hey!” Natsu immediately switches his concern from being flirty to concerned.  “Lucy please calm down, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you!”

“I-It’s okay, I-I’ll be okay.” She fights the tears back with all the strength she can muster.  Lucy didn’t want to cry in front of Natsu.  “Please, Natsu, I don’t want to get our hopes up l-like that…. If this… If things were different….”

“Shhh,” he cradles her face, “shhh, it’s okay Luce, I feel the same way.”

After a few moments, Lucy lets out a long exhale.  “I appreciate it, I really do.”  She looks up and cracks a pained smile.  “You’re the only thing keeping me going, but I-I just don’t even want to think about not being there for you…”

It was Natsu’s turn to crack.  “Please don’t finish that.”  He looks down, holding back the urge to cry or show how upset it makes him.  “I don’t want to think about that.”

“But it…”

“You don’t know that, no one knows that, and I,” his voice falters, seething with all the will of his soul placed behind it, “I will cling to hope till my dying breath.”

The sudden change in his demeanor, switches Lucy from feeling so self-absorbed in her own thoughts to realize, Natsu has had an effect on her, but she truly had an effect on him too.  It hurt even more now that his behaviors weren’t just a rouse to make her happy, and it killed her to think of what he will suffer when she goes.    

“I’m sorry, Natsu.  I didn’t realize.”  She grabs his hand, squeezing it hard.  “Natsu I’m sorry.  Let’s stop thinking about this then, hmm,” doing her best to keep her tone soft and comforting.  “Look at me, Natsu, please, I don’t want to keep fighting with you.”

He sighs, “you’re right.  That’s the last thing I wanna do with you.”  It was a surprise even to himself that he’d lost his cool, and for the first time the awareness of his growing infatuation became real.

“Good,” she squeezes his hand again.  “Hey, um, you know its lunch time, we could eat outside since it’s a nice day…” her voice grows tentative, “if you’ll join me.”

“Lucy Heartfilia, are you asking me out on a date?” He chuckles, ready to put all the sadness behind them.  “Because if that’s the case,” the sparkle in his eyes return, “I would be honored.”

For the next couple of months, Natsu and Lucy’s friendship flourishes, as her physical body slowly deteriorates.  It was hard, he couldn’t lie, to watch this happen, and if it wasn’t for the strength of his convictions or his plain stubborn attitude about it that kept him upbeat.  He knew that she needed him to be her strength, and that fueled his desire to make sure she smiles every day.  

Lucy didn’t know, but his mother would keep him updated on her condition.  Not that he needed to know all the technical jargon, for he could see it with his own eyes.  Lucy herself would tell him just enough information when she needed to, but he never pushed or pried for it, letting it always be on her terms.  The cardiomyopathy was getting worse, her heart muscles barely functioning on its own at this point.  She had her good days and bad days but walking around wasn’t really an option anymore aside from brief steps for a purpose.  It also meant that the muscles in her legs were weakening too.  Physical therapy once a week worked with Lucy on light stretches to keep them from completely atrophying, but it was all they could do for her at this point.  But no matter how much weight she lost, or that her hair didn’t hold its familiar luster, to Natsu she would always be the same radiant woman he adored.  

She’d resigned herself to this fate a lot better than Natsu would have thought a person could do.  When he tried to picture himself in her shoes, he was sure he wouldn’t have the strength to keep going, but that was what amazed him even more about her.  On her agreeable days, Natsu enjoyed getting her out of her room, even if for brief periods of time.  Lunch or dinner in the cafeteria, the grounds of the hospital on a sunny day, or even stargazing when the evening air was warm.  He’d bring a wheelchair, and off they’d go, talking about anything or nothing, avoiding the subject of her condition, just giving her a smidge of a normal existence for once.              

Lucy opens her eyes at the knock on her door to see a familiar face pop through.  “Hey Natsu,” she cracks a pained smile.  

“Hey Luce, how ya doin’ today?”

She starts to sit up in the hospital bed, but when it’s clear to Natsu the woman was struggling, he quickly rushes over and assists.  “Thanks,” another light smile.  “I’m sorry, I’ve been a little sore today.”

“Never apologize to me,” he smiles back warmly.  No matter what, he always did his best to appear upbeat for the patients despite his heart literally breaking for them.  He places his hand on hers, “so, tell me gorgeous, are ya hungry?  We could dinner date in the cafeteria if you’re up to it.  My treat,” he winks.

“Stop calling me gorgeous,” Lucy chides the sunny young man, despite the small rosy glow of her cheeks.  “I know I’m not, and that’s okay.”  With the help of a psychiatrist and over a year of therapy, Lucy had finally accepted her fate and kept moving forward as best she could.  If she will die someday, she will die with dignity.  Stress wasn’t very good on her heart, so once she made peace with her circumstances, even her physical ailments had benefitted.  

“Pfft,” Natsu pretends to be offended, “are you calling me a liar because I know I’m not blind.”  His grin growing along with the deepening of red along her cheeks.  “Besides, you know I won’t stop no matter how much you complain about it.”  

Lucy laughs and her eyes twinkle, “I know, so we’ll keep agreeing to disagree.”

It was in these moments, and why he did what he did, just to see this woman’s eyes light up, that sent his own heart into palpitations.  Deep down Natsu knew that the chances of Lucy making it out of this hospital were slim to none, but you’d never know it when he spoke to her.  He stifles the urge to sigh. Oh, how he wished the circumstances were different.  In a perfect world, Natsu would love nothing more than to walk this woman down the aisle.

He circles the topic back around, “so… dinner, on me?” he teases lightly with a wink.  “We can take a trip through pediatrics where there are a few recent arrivals.”

Her gaze lowers as she hides the seventh heaven emotions the young man stirs in her.  “I’d like that.”

Natsu squeezes her hand, “I’ll be right back, lemme grab your carriage milady.”

As Lucy waited the few minutes for Natsu to grab a wheelchair, she closes her eyes and does a breathing technique to calm her heart.  She hadn’t wanted to show the slight tinges of pain she was getting as they spoke, because she knew it would have worried him.  They’d been steadily increasing in frequency lately, and she fought to keep him from discovering that.  But she couldn’t help it.  Despite her condition, Lucy was still a young woman with an intact mind, she still had desires like any other, and when a handsome young man close to her age flirted with her, of course she would react to it!  She did her best not to let these thoughts sink in too deeply and told herself he was merely doing it to make her feel better.  It was a lie, but it was the best way to shield herself.

“Ready?”  Natsu extends his hand to help Lucy to her feet.

She nods and takes hold, gripping on while he maneuvers her around and onto the chair.  It weakened Lucy to where her muscles were slowly losing their strength because her heart was struggling to keep her body oxygenated and functioning properly.  With support she could stand for brief periods, but only with support.  At least with Natsu, she could put her faith in his hold that he’d never let her fall.  

After adjusting the foot plates and making sure Lucy was comfortable, Natsu takes off towards the cafeteria two floors down.  He’d already alerted dining when he’d gone out for the chair they were coming down, to prepare a meal within Lucy’s dietary needs.  It wasn’t a terribly restrictive diet, but there were some limits, such as no stimulants like caffeine, or anything with a high fat content.

Natsu loved these little dates as he called them.  On warm sunny days it may include a stroll outside for some fresh air, or if it was cold and rainy, merely sharing a cup of light hot chocolate in the visitor's lounge in front of the massive floor to ceiling windows.  But if Lucy wasn’t feeling well, he was content to sit by her side in her room, talking, telling stories, or doing anything just to cheer her up.  Sometimes he would fantasize during these events as if they were simply at home and relaxing like a normal couple.

“Oh yay, beef barley,” Lucy stirs and lifts a spoonful up before letting it flow back into the bowl.  “My fave.”  She knew why they gave it to her, but that didn’t make it anymore appetizing.  Barley was supposedly good for heart health, and the protein it contained was useful for her body.  She crunches up the soda crackers the meal came with and drops them into the soup, letting the pieces soak in.

“I don’t mind it,” Natsu shovels a spoonful into his mouth.  He always made it a point to eat the same thing they gave Lucy, so she felt more normal about it.  “But if you really don’t want it, I could ask them to make you a sandwich instead.”

“No, no,” she waves her hand, her voice oozing with a sense of longing mixed with frustration, “it’s okay, I’m fine with it.  I just would kill to eat a fatty, tasty, slathered in sauce cheeseburger with a side of waffle fries or something you know.”

Natsu snorts a laugh and almost chokes on his food as a mental picture of Lucy chomping down on a burger, with sauce dripping down her chin both amuses and arouses him.  “I-I can imagine,” he bangs his chest a couple times to dislodge some liquid that made it down the wrong pipe.  “Throw some sriracha sauce on that vision and you just named one of my favorite foods.”  Could this woman become any more of his dream girl?!

She giggles, “So, um…” Lucy hesitates for a second.  She didn’t want to sound desperate or anything, but loneliness was the quickest way to send her back into a depression and she cherished the time the man spent with her.  “How much time are you spending with me today?”    

“As long as you’d like,” he winks.  “I always do my rounds first and come to you last so I can stay as long as I want to.”

Ugh!  The flirty thing again!  Lucy wills her body to behave.  “Wow, that makes me pretty special, huh?”

“Extremely,” he leans in, letting his gaze grow half-lidded, and his tone mellowing into a soothing cadence. “I’m gonna steal your heart one day Luce, that’s a promise.”

“What?!  Pfft,” damn, she can feel the heat rising in her cheeks, “there’s no point in stealing a broken heart sir…”  Despite the desire to feel aroused over his comment, it also brought a sense of sadness to her she fought down the urge to let tears rise to the surface.  ‘He’s just teasing… he’s just being sweet, trying to make me feel normal… It’s not real Lucy, It’s not real!’  But oh, how she wished it was!  Natsu was the perfect man that any woman would kill for.  Sweet, strong, handsome, silly, she could go on and on with the list.  He was the one ray of sunshine in her dreary world now that she truly was all alone in it.  The stress of caring for her had driven her father into his own massive heart attack last year.  She had no one, except Natsu.

“I mean it Luce,” he reaches out and takes her hand, letting his thumb sweep over the skin.  “Broken or not, I want to steal it and have the person it’s attached to a—ll to myself.”

“Please don’t,” Lucy pulls her hand back.  She could feel the tears pooling and if she didn’t stop it now, they’d soon fall.  “You know I appreciate it, really I do Natsu.”  Lucy looks back up at him and cracks a pained smile.  “But you deserve someone who’s not broken.”

The absolute pain measured in Lucy’s eyes, and the sorrow in her voice was like a dagger straight through Natsu’s soul.  He could understand her desire of not wanting to believe in miracles or to shield herself from further pain, but that only killed him more.  She deserved so much more out of life. Ugh, if only he had a direct line to destiny so he could kick its ass and tell it to leave Lucy in peace!  He didn’t want to upset her anymore.  “Okay, I’ll stop pushing too hard.  But I promise you Luce, one day you will walk out of this hospital a healthy woman, and you can steal my heart instead.”

She sighs, “You can’t promise something like that.”

“I have faith,” Natsu gives her his wide, ear-to-ear grin and a wink.  “You’ll see.”

How could she stay upset after seeing that smile of his?  That damn ear-to-ear grin that lit up his eyes.  The eternal optimist, Natsu Dragneel trying so hard to keep her spirits up.  He and that smile may very well be the one thing keeping her going at this point.  “Okay, okay,” Lucy chuckles, “I give up, yes it's possible.”

“Woo Hoo!”  He pumps his fist in the air in an exaggerated victory, “that’s the spirit!  Now eat, so we can go check out the babies!”  

Lucy laughs again and nods with a smile, “okay.”

It was harder than she let on to him because she knew how much he enjoyed checking out all the new arrivals, but seeing those babies coming into this world while she would be leaving it shortly was painful.  All those hopeful, bright little lives….  They were a bittersweet reminder that a hospital holds two balances; the power to bring life into this world or take it away by not being able to heal a person.  She didn’t blame the doctors, for they were doing their best, because sometimes the sands of time runs its course and there is just nothing more they can do.  It was simply a part of life, to be born and die, never knowing when the grim reaper would come calling.  

“Look, look!  I was told three were born yesterday.” Natsu points excitedly as he parks her chair in front of the viewing window of the nursery.  He plasters his face against the clear glass.  “Two girls and one boy.  Awww, one already has some hair!”  Turning back to Lucy, “can you see okay, would you like me to help you stand up?”

“Thank you for the offer, but I can see just fine,” Lucy throws on a smile for effect.  “They are quite adorable, aren’t they?”

“Are you sure?  You know the doctors want you to stand sometimes so that your legs don’t atrophy as quickly.  I will gladly bear the weight.”

“Are you saying I’m heavy?!”  She was just teasing, but it was the perfect setup to do so.

“What?!” he waves his arms, “n-no way!  You’re not heavy, I meant I’m stronger so I can hold you up…”

“So, I’m weak?”

“Wait, what, no!”

Lucy giggles at how much the man was stepping all over his tongue.  “I’m just teasing you, Natsu.  I know I should, but I’m just a little tired today.”  That was partially true.

The man pouts, “so mean Luce,” he whines and throws on the saddest puppy dog expression he can muster, even a sniffle for effect.  “But it was an excuse to hold you in my arms.”

Oh, how quickly the tides can turn as his bold little statement sets her face ablaze.  He re—ally needed to stop with the flirting, or she was about to have an actual heart attack!  “All right,” Lucy groans, “just for a few minutes.”  It wasn’t the first time she’s allowed him to help her stand and maintain her balance, but before his little retort, she’d never thought twice about it.  

Natsu locks the chair and adjusts the foot plates out of the way so that Lucy can put her feet on the ground.  “Just take all the time you need,” his voice grows soft and soothing, “don’t rush.”

She tests her leg strength by pushing with the balls of her feet against the floor, rocking them and applying pressure to warm up the muscles.  Brief movements, like getting from the bed to the wheelchair were one thing, standing for a few minutes or walking a few feet were another.  It was frustrating and embarrassing, so she avoided it as much as possible, like when going to the bathroom.  Lucy didn’t mind when the nurses assisted her with that compromising predicament, but this was embarrassing in a different way.  

Once she feels her legs are ready, she holds out her hand which Natsu quickly takes hold of and braces her other on the arm of the chair to push herself up.  When she gets to a standing position, Natsu moves around her body, placing an arm around her waist as he gently guides her the two feet to the window.  He stays on constant alert, monitoring any change so if her legs decide to buckle, he can catch her.  As soon as she reaches the window, Lucy places her hands on the slight ledge of the sill.  Natsu then switches his position to stand directly behind her, wrapping both arms around her upper chest to hold her close, but above the tubes in her lower abdomen.  

Could he feel how much her body was heating up from the intimate contact?  Lucy fought her own emotions to keep from escalating and stressing her heart out, for she was keenly aware of how they would look to anyone passing by.  Dear heavens, it was hard to do with his chest pressed up against her back…. She wished they could stay like that forever.  ‘Breathe… just breathe, Lucy…. Look at the babies, just focus on the babies…’  That only made it worse.

The babies….  Just a day old. The little angels were like moldable clay.  They’ll grow… they’ll change…  Will they become teachers or astronauts some day?  Oh, look at the one, smiling in his sleep, how precious.  Someday, will they make their dreams come true?  What will they be like?  Good little kids or naughty, friendly, the life of the party or a shy introvert?  Like many young girls who dreamt of becoming a mother someday, Lucy had envisioned having a family of her own with the love of her life and the white picket fence.  A little girls fantasy.  She closes her eyes, praying that Natsu wasn’t paying attention to her.  The tears pool behind her eyelids and she stills the desire to sniffle.  That fantasy was now dashed like a shipwreck against the shoreline, never to sail the seven seas again.  Natsu would have made the perfect husband and father for such a fairytale, and he will one day, just not in her storybook ending.

She’d been so focused on fighting back her emotions, that Lucy hadn’t noticed Natsu’s head was now resting against her shoulder or how his face was curled against the nape.  

“It’s okay to cry sometimes Luce.”

His whispered voice, so close to her ear, breaks the dam.  Lucy squeezes her eyes tighter and fingertips curl, tensing against the windowsill.  Shit, he knew all along.  Her knees tremble as the tears flow freely, but she feels his hold tighten around her to keep her from falling.  It had been some time since she’d allowed herself to release the pain in this way.

Natsu hadn’t been certain of it until now, but in the last several times they’d come to the pediatric ward, he’d sensed a change in Lucy’s energy.  She always wore a smile with a hidden agenda and now he’s confirmed his suspicions.  Well, it was his mother really that pointed it out one day when he’d mentioned it to her.  The woman was great at understanding human emotions and after years of caring for patients, she’s learned to follow her intuition.  

“Lucy was a young woman who may not live to be a mother or have a family of her own, of course it might upset her to see the infants.”  His first inclination was to stop bringing the woman to this ward, but his mother gave him a second option.  “Help her grieve.”  Those three words coming out of his mother’s mouth stunned him briefly. What did she mean to help her grieve?!!  “If Lucy has no one to turn to, how can she process what is happening to her.  Show her it’s okay to be upset, help her let out the pain before it consumes her.”  

“I will hold you for as long as I need to Luce, just let the pain go.”

But it was killing him to do this!  Natsu had told his mother that he didn’t think he was strong enough. The woman simply smiled, patted his cheek and said, “I believe in you son.  If you truly care, then you’ll have the strength to move mountains for her.”  Damn his mother and her intuition, though Natsu realized only a fool couldn’t see how much he was falling for Lucy.  He’d sell his soul to a demon to get her a new heart.

Strangely, Lucy’s body wasn’t reacting like she thought it would.  Stress usually caused her blood pressure to rise and strain her heart muscles, but that wasn’t happening.  She couldn’t stop the tears from flowing like a broken spigot, and maybe that was the best thing, like a release of the pressure that had built up unbeknownst to her.  Her hands move from the windowsill to Natsu’s arms, clutching to and resting her head on them.  Lucy couldn’t look up, not yet, but she needed to let him know she heard his words, and they meant the world to her.  

She would have made an amazing mother, Natsu was sure of it, and it would be a lie to say he’s never thought of or imagined them staring through this viewing window at their own little boy or girl one day.  Would the child have Lucy’s beautiful golden waves or chocolate brown eyes?  Or maybe take Natsu’s salmon pink hair and onyx eyes.  No matter what, the child would be perfect and loved.  A child that as the day ticked down on the transplant list was losing hope of ever being born.  Crap!  Natsu squeezes his eyes closed tight.  He couldn’t let her see him struggling with this, but damn if those images didn’t just cut him deep.

Neither of them knew how long they were standing there or even if any of the other hospital staff had noticed.  They were in their own little world while time passed them by.  It was Lucy who finally let out a small exhale as a last release of all that had struck her today, and with that tension gone, the tears turned into exhaustion.  Ever cry so hard and for so long that your body became lethargic?  Lucy yawns wide and deep, her eyes growing heavy and clouded, a little lightheaded, ready to go to sleep.

Natsu kisses the crown of her head and without a word, maneuvers her so she can sit back down in her wheelchair.  He sets the foot panels in place and helps her feet onto them, then pushes her back to her room.  There is a companionable silence, as if all their wordless exchanges had communicated volumes that needed no explanation.  Once back in her own room, Natsu helps her onto the bed and set the wheelchair aside.

After helping to re-attach her heart monitors, Natsu checks, “is there anything else I can get you before I go?”  She shakes her head.  “In that case…”

Lucy motions for him to lean in closer and once he’s close enough, she hesitates briefly then places a kiss on his cheek.  “Thank you for everything Natsu.”

His eyes widen, shocked by what she’d just done.  “Luce?”

“I just felt like doing it,” she blushes.  “Tonight… I don’t know, I just feel so much better and it’s all because of you.”  Lucy closes her eyes as a yawn cuts through.  They were so tired…    

“You are very welcome,” Natsu smiles.  He moves to leave, but Lucy grabs his hand and squeezes.  When he turns back to look, her eyes are still closed, and there is a slight smile on her face which brings a swelling of his pride.  He leans down and kisses the back of her hand.  “Rest now, and I will see you again tomorrow.”

Mister Sandman beckoned to Lucy of mystical creatures bathed in glittering stars, calling upon father time to bring peace to a weary soul.  She didn’t know why, but though the pull was strong, she fought his dreamy reverie.  Today had been the most emotionally charged day in a long time.  All the tears Lucy had shed brought a new peace to her spirit, something in this entire experience not even a trained therapist could have given her.  The amount of love that Natsu provided, whether platonic or wishful yearnings, calmed her, and pushed away the emptiness she had felt for so long…. So long stuck in this pain.  She wanted to relive this day forever, safe in Natsu’s arms, drowning in the pool of his obsidian hues.  ‘… to steal his heart…’  Lucy knew she already had, just as he had stolen hers in a way.  A sense of warmth floods through her body, shielding her to the cool air-conditioned room.  Lucy’s smile widens as her mind slips into the abyss of dreams, of a pink-haired prince who’d finally set her soul free.

“Natsu wake up,” the voice repeats as the person attached to it shakes his sleeping form.  “Natsu wake up.”

“Huh?” His clouded mind hears the voice of his mother.  “What is it?”  He turns his head, his eyes temporarily pin-pointed from the harsh lamp light next to his bed.  “Mom, what are you doing in my room?”  Natsu pushes himself to a sitting position as his mother takes a seat next to him.  With his vision focusing better, he finally notices the moisture clouding his mother’s eyes.  “Mom, what is it?!”  

She takes his hand, squeezing it tightly with her head slightly lowered in pain.  “I-I’m sorry, son, but the hospital just called me…. Your friend, s-she had a massive heart attack.”

By the time his mother had finished the sentence, Natsu had stopped listening to anything she was saying. He knew, the moment she’d said I’m sorry… to wake him up in the middle of the night, it had to be….  All the blood drains from his face and his shoulders slump.  He felt dizzy, weak, like all of his strength were stripped away, leaving him an empty shell.  He turns his head slowly, the tears already flowing down his cheeks in an endless trickle to meet the woman’s sullen gaze.  This wasn’t happening!  Not yet!  Lucy was fine today!  Fine!!  He wanted to scream!  But his throat was closed up, choking back the sobs that wanted to break free.  

“Oh honey,” the woman wraps her arms around her son and pulls him tightly against her chest.  “I’m so sorry,” her own tears flowing freely and hitting his face.  “Don’t give up hope, they were able to save her, but she’s been placed in a medically induced coma.”

It couldn’t be true!  Why weren’t his cries coming out?!  Natsu’s voice refused to make a sound and all he could do was weep.  It hurt so much!  His fists clench at his stiffened sides.  This wasn’t fair!  

“Let it out son, don’t hold it in,” she coos, doing her best to soothe the pain.  “They believe she didn’t suffer because it happened while she was asleep, that should give you a bit of comfort.”

No, it doesn’t!  She was still in a coma!  He’d almost lost her!  And, “I-I never g-got to s-say good... good…” he couldn’t finish it.  What if she never woke up again?  Natsu’s heart ached at the thought he may never again hear her beautiful laughter or that silly snort she would sometimes make when he teased her.  This world was too cruel to do this to a woman who should be in college, starting the next stage of her life.  A fit of sobs racks his body, ‘I never got to tell her I love her…’

“Would you like me to drive you there, son?”

“Yes, please mom, i-if you don’t mind.”  

“Of course.”

Natsu paused in front of the closed door to Lucy’s new room, unsuccessfully preparing himself for what he knew he would find behind it.  On the way to the hospital, his mother had filled in a few more details that tore the man up and brought a wave of guilt flooding over him.  Had he caused the heart attack?

The heart monitor alarms had gone off only 30 minutes after he had left her for the evening, and the doctors wasted no time in implementing emergency resuscitative efforts.  They deemed it a miracle, but after 10 minutes of herculean efforts they were able to get her heart restarted.  Lucy was then moved to the ICU unit and placed on other machines such as a feeding tube and ventilator to keep her alive.

Maybe he shouldn’t have pushed her to see the infants after all.  Maybe the crying had stressed her out and neither of them had known it.  She seemed perfectly fine when he’d left!  Happy, in fact, happier than he’d seen in a long time.  Natsu’s fingers absentmindedly trail over the area she had kissed.  Lucy was at peace when he’d left.  His mom told him her sudden fatigue may have been a sign.  Or maybe he clenches his jaw, that kiss was her way of saying goodbye, like she knew something might happen once she’d closed her eyes.  The way she’d grabbed his hand when he tried to leave….  “Fuck!” he grits outs as the tears pool in his bloodshot eyes again.  “I shouldn’t have left her…”  

He pushes the door open and his knees buckle instantly at the sight.  Tubes… all the tubes, and monitors, the beeping and lights, bright flashing lights of the stat graphs, subcutaneous fluids hooked to her arms, the drips… slow drips of liquid and medicine flowing into Lucy’s body.  He wasn’t ready for it.  Her beautiful face partially hidden by the feeding tube running into her mouth and the breathing tubes entering her nostrils.  If it wasn’t for his mother standing at his side, Natsu would have collapsed to the floor when his legs lose all their strength and crumple.  The woman guides him to a chair placed beside the bed.  

“Oh god, Lucy!”  The tears pour out and sobs take control of his body.  He throws his upper body over hers, clutching desperately to the blanket covering her, and burying his face into its folds.  Natsu felt a part of his soul die right then and there.  “You don’t deserve this,” his muffled words stolen by the fabric.  Why couldn’t they find her a heart?!

“Son,” Natsu feels his mother’s hand resting on his shoulder, but he doesn’t respond.  “Son, there’s no telling how long Lucy will stay in this state, so it’s best you say your goodbyes now.  They say that people can hear you even if they are in a coma.”

But all he can do is shake his head fervently, denying it to the world and himself that Lucy wouldn’t come out of this.  He had hope, damn it!  Natsu refused to say goodbye because that meant he’d given up hope Lucy would recover somehow.  

The woman seemed to understand her son’s frustration and didn’t push.  “Then, just talk to her son, let her know you’re here.”  

“Mom, could you… I wanna be alone, please?”                

“I’ll come back in an hour to take you home.”  

Natsu just nods in response.  He hears the door open and close, the click of the lock like the final latch being set on a coffin, sealing them to their fate.  He’d known the dangers of giving his heart to Lucy and yet despite what was happening, still had no regrets.  She deserved the peace of knowing someone loved her, and if this really was the last moments, Natsu could have that tiny measure of satisfaction knowing he was the one who had provided it to her.

“But you’re not gonna die yet, Luce.  You can’t, do you hear me, you can’t!  It’s not your time yet, so you need to fight for me please…”  Oh, how his heart was shattering into a million pieces as if he was the one with the problem.  It fucking hurt!  Emotional daggers stabbing him in the chest repeatedly.  “You’re stronger than this, Lucy!  I know it, you’re gonna wake up from this!”

By the time his mother returns an hour later, the sheer exhaustion had consumed Natsu.  She finds him passed out, and it takes a bit of begrudging effort to get him to leave Lucy’s bedside.  He was so afraid to leave again in case she passed away, because he didn’t want her to die alone.  It was his mother that coaxed him into believing that she wasn’t alone as long as he kept her in his heart.    

Day after day, week after week, became a never-ending cycle of zombiesque activity.  Natsu’s body was there, trudging through routine, but his mind was broken, battling between keeping hope alive and giving up.  He went to work, did his job, then headed to the hospital.  It got to where the staff had placed a spare bed in the room, and he practically lived in the ICU with Lucy.  He was lucky that his mother was a long-time nurse and he a volunteer with an impeccable standing that the hospital allowed him to bend the visitor hour rules.  They knew the woman was alone in this world, so maybe they also felt a sense of duty to become that family for her, because nobody deserved to die alone.

He grew obsessed with anything to do with her condition and used the lonely hours to scour the internet for information.  Sure, much of the stories about coma patients being able to hear weren’t really solid or verifiable, but any glimmer of possibilities was worth the effort.  It couldn’t hurt to try.  Whether it was telling her about his day or what was happening in their town, Natsu would keep talking.  He bought a kindle and read stories he thought she would like, fantasies of princes saving princesses filled with mythical creatures.  He remembered her saying she used to write such stories and wished he had been able to read them.

When he was too tired to read, or his throat was too sore to continue, Natsu wrote her letters.  The staff and his family were getting worried about Natsu.  So, the hospital’s mental health service counselor had come in one day and spoke to him on the off chance that they could get through to him.  While he refused to listen to most of the advice, he found the writing to be helpful.  Maybe when Lucy awakens, she could read them. But for now, it was one way he could pour out some of his thoughts in silence.      

He was always tired and exhausted, pushing himself through this day-to-day routine, sometimes forgetting to eat.  Concerned staff would often pop their heads in to check on him to make sure he had or scolded him when the hours grew late and they knew he needed to work the next day.  His bloodshot eyes held dark bags under them, and his mother swore he was losing weight.  But he would always push them off saying he was fine.

“No, you are not son.  As a mother I am supremely proud to know I raised a son who cares this much, but I don’t want to lose you too.”

“And you’re not, I’m perfectly healthy.”

“You know as well as I stress is harmful to the body.”

Natsu sighs and runs a hand over his face, “mom, I’m fine, I even cut back on work hours to make you happy.”

“And I appreciate the gesture, but you’re still working, just here!”

“Mom, I’m fine!  Please, just leave me be, I-I don’t want to fight.  I just want… I’m not leaving her.  End of discussion.”

His mother sighs, knowing that her stubborn boy would not listen.  “Just please, Natsu, eat more, get more sleep, do it for me.”

“Okay, okay, I will.”        

“I love you, son.”

“I love you too, mom.”

She kisses his forehead and turns to leave, taking one last look at her boy, and to Lucy.  Grandeeney Dragneel pauses with a bittersweet smile as Natsu resumed reading quietly from his Kindle.  Somehow, she knew that young girl loved her son back, and it broke her heart to know they were like those star-crossed lovers from a long-lost folktale, never destined to truly be together.  She liked Lucy.  The girl was smart and sweet, very articulate whenever she visited during her rounds, and her strength through this all was remarkable.  Even after being dealt such a cruel hand by fate, she never grew bitter or resentful.  Her son couldn’t have fallen for a better girl.  Grandeeney slips away quietly before the moisture building in her eyes could be seen by Natsu, bracing against the closed door, and praying for a miracle.

Is this that tunnel people talk about?  Lucy wonders as all she could see through her eyelids is the brightest light that seemed just too brilliant to be normal.  Her eyes hurt a little from it, but if this was heaven, why is there still pain?  She forces her lids open and tries to shield them with her hand that… doesn’t seem to move, huh?  But it wasn’t just her arm, her entire body felt heavy.  The images filtering in through her vision were blurry, slowly gaining focus as her pupils adjust to the light to see, wait, ceiling tiles?  Why does heaven look so much like a hospital?

“Oh good, you’re awake.”

Lucy looks over and sees a doctor standing beside her.  “Where am I?”  Or more like why am I here?  

“Do you remember the heart attack?”  She shakes her head.  “You’ve been in a coma for two months after you suffered a massive heart attack.  But luckily, a local donor came through...”  He goes on to explain about the surgery telling her that the transplant surgery went well, her body was accepting the new heart, and while she’ll still be going through three to six months or rehabilitation and monitoring, she was on track to make a full recovery.  

“Oh-okay, thank you so much, doctor.”  It was a miracle to be alive again with a new heart.  But something felt wrong, missing?    

“I’ll be back in a couple hours to check on you again Ms. Heartfilia, but if anything feels off in the meantime, be sure to ring the nurses.”  He moves to leave, but she stops him.

“Doctor, the donor, can you tell me about them, please?”

The man hesitates for a moment.  “Well Ms. Heartfilia, privacy laws don’t allow me to….”

“You don’t have to tell me their name or anything.  Please, just a little information.  I’d like to know who saved my life.”

The man sighs and takes the seat next to the bed, clearly torn with what he was about to say.  “He was a young volunteer at the hospital who tragically fell asleep at the wheel and passed away from a car accident…”

The doctor's voice droned on for another minute as he tried to reassure her that the man didn’t suffer. It was quick and painless from a one-car crash.  As if that was supposed to make her feel any better.  Lucy didn’t need to be told the name as tears poured down her cheeks, because she knew.  She just knew.  That was what was missing, for she knew that if she’d had received the new heart, Natsu would have been the one by her side when she’d woken up… unless he could be there.  With all the wires attached to her arm, she could barely move them without the sting of the I.V. lines, but she didn’t care.  Lucy’s hands cover her lowered face as the tears continue to stream.

“I’m very sorry, Ms. Heartfilia.  Would you like me to have someone from mental health support to come see you?”

Lucy shakes her head. She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t even think.  

“Mrs. Dragneel would also like to speak to you when you’re up to it.”  

More tears and sobs choke out. Oh god that was Natsu’s mom, how could she face Natsu’s mother!  

Seeing the woman’s distress, the man nods and squeezes her shoulder, “Again, I’m truly sorry Ms. Heartfilia.  We all miss him very much.  Please try to get some rest,” and leaves the woman to grieve in her own way.  

Her head was spinning.  It wasn’t supposed to happen like this!  Why was destiny such a malicious bastard to take away the one person she had and leave her in this world all alone?  Lucy clasps a hand over her chest, recalling the last conversation, that last night with Natsu.  She squeezes her eyes to the pain of the memories…  He’d made her so happy… so very happy, and yes, she remembered thinking for the first time since her diagnosis; she didn’t feel alone anymore.  Fuck if she didn’t want to just keel over again, but that would mar the beautiful gift that she’s received.  Natsu believed with every fiber of his being that she would walk out of here one day and she will live on for him, that’s a promise.  “Our heart,” Lucy breathes out…  But how ironic that he was right all along.  She really did steal his heart in the cruelest of ways… 

[bipolarinboston]

MHM Social Media Post 1

Spring is in bloom and soon I won't be able to see the most interesting part of the nature center. I don’t know which came first, the pillar or the brick. But eventually the green takes over. 

This time last year the Nature Center was closed and slowly reopened, but our access to it remained a mystery. This time last year I had plenty of old photos to use for #MentalHealthMonth but with Covid I'll have to be more creative. 

So much has changed from last May to this May. I'm writing and sharing more online, I started a mental health twitter account in January, and I present my story for NAMI's In Our Own Voice. I'd trained February right before covid and we started zooming 6 months later. One of the best things I did for my mental health was allow myself to talk about my bipolar outside of therapy. 

But I'm not universally out. I still fear repercussions if I were to tell work, Work, where I was in the hospital twice my first year and needed a note from partial to clear my return. Or post on a public social media like twitter, which is why I started atypicalbipolar. I had only just discovered the overlapping Neurodiverse, Mental + Chronic Illness and Disabled communities on twitter last year and felt restrained interacting on my main account. 

I know I've come far since last May, but at the same time the stigma is still there and it just feels like baby steps.

It's always been so quick for me. The insomnia turns into incoherence and there’s no stopping it once it starts. The only thing we can do is go to the ER. I was admitted Five times. Two years.

The first time they just chalked it up to steroids. Which mania and psychosis are rare side effects. NWH just put me on lamictal and I was able to fall asleep with melatonin. To this day I don't know if the lamictal does anything, but that's a story for another post.

But it happened again several months after I was off steroids. This time they put me on a medical floor because my heart rate was high. Really just a physical symptom of my state of mind. MGH withheld my meds until they were sure I didn't double dose. Nothing was solved and I ended up inpatient again the same month.

Mom says by the third time the doctors at McLean wanted to investigate and have me stay longer, but I was so unsettled and worried about work I wanted out. I could not stay at McLean, I wasn't comfortable.

At least I went to partial at triangle but as nothing had been fixed the last 18 months I was on borrowed time. Fourth time's the charm and the doctors at MGH told me I was Bipolar pretty quickly once I was admitted. Finally things seemed to settle in place.

These trees are unique in the nature center as the sign points out that they were here on the hospital campus. I believe it's the only place the nature center actually mentions Boston State Hospital. If the brick houses along the entryway and the pillar in the tree don't remind you of the hospital then this sign explicitly points it out.

This land was left fallow after that hospital was emptied out, closed and demolished. Mass Audubon bought their lot from the state and took four years to turn it into the nature center. I don't think a lot of people who haven't been in the area 30+ years really know what used to be here. For now I think of the pillar in the tree as more of a memorial than the allée.

It's traumatic when you end up in the *psych* hospital. When I was a junior in high school dealing with this new depression, I started writing. It was a coping skill that helped me process when I was wrapped up in shame and isolation and unable to really talk about what had happened outside therapy.

I called it Memories of an Odyssey and I went back to it a couple times over the years. It wasn't until 10 years later that I completely revised it - Retitled it Self Preservation. I was brave enough to share on fb in April 2016, the 10th anniversary.

It's just as traumatic if not more so when I went in for the first time as an adult in Jan 2017. No idea what was going on or what had happened to me. When I had finished partial I started working on another poem. I used T. S. Eliot's "Not with a bang, but with a whimper" line as a beginning and ending.

I am not a poet, I barely know free verse and that's it. But writing mental health poems is a coping skill. After my last hospitalization I wrote about my rediagnosis to bipolar. I went back and tackled my delusions. It's something I'm proud of even if sharing the poems themselves is hard.

April 17th (or 18th) 2006 is when I was admitted to Franciscan's at 17. It's my original mental health anniversary. I collected all my poems starting with Self Preservation and made an anthology for myself as a belated anniversary present to myself.