#i’ve been on the verge of tears for like 2 weeks

[joapmactavish]

hihi! i saw your requests open, so could i request soap, gaz, and ghost (separate) trying to deescalate the reader who's been crying and on the verge of a panic attack because the work stress has been getting to them.

if that's too many characters, feel free to choose one of the three!

apologies for the sad scenario. i had a rough week (´；ω；｀)

first off, im so sorry you’ve had a rough week, know that it’ll get better dude! confide in someone you trust if possible, you’re going to be ok 🫶🏻 - comments are appreciated <3

Soap

he walks into you at your desk, sitting in your chair with your arms wrapped around your legs while tears are streaming down your face. his smile immediately turns into a frown, and he walks over to you.

“oh no sunshine, what happened to ya?” he pets your head a bit and tilts your chin up toward to face him.

“it’s just been so hard soap, im trying my best every single day and yet it keeps piling up. i finish one thing and i’m already handed 4 more, i can’t do it- i can’t!” your chest starts picking up fast and you feel your breathing become shortened.

“woah woah, easy there lass you’re gonna overwhelm your system. take some deep breaths with me yeah?” he grabs your hand and puts it on his heart so you can feel his heart beat, “breathe in, 1-2-3-4. hold. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7, out for 8 alright?”

you repeat that pattern with his help about 6 more times and you start to feel less tense.

“relax, im right here with you. ease your shoulders, relax your neck and unscrunch yer eyebrows.” you follow the steps and he smiles, “that feel a little better hm?”

you nod and he takes you into his arms. he grabs his phone from his back pocket, dialing a number. you hear the ringing and when you hear the name of your favorite restaurant in the greeting you beam up a bit

“can i get uh one cheeseburger - no onions! and eh… let me have a diet coke with it would ya? thanks mate” he covers the phone with his free hand, “you want the usual?” you nod and he orders your usual order. “let me also get one of those ah.. what do ya call em?” he snaps his fingers “those ice cream sundaes, yeah extra whipped cream! that’ll be all.”

“should be here in about 15 or so bonnie, ya feelin a bit better?”

you nod and he sighs in relief, “you need a break, im callin yer boss tomorrow mornin - who cares if i’ve got to lie you’re getting a week off and we’re spendin it together! no work, we can even get out of here if you want.”

“i can’t just leave work like that johnny-“

“ah ah! nonsense, i’ll make it happen.”

you don’t protest against him but rather just accept it and wait for your food to arrive with him.

Gaz

“hey love! what’s u- oh no..” he stops in his tracks and finally hears your crying and heavy breathing.

he quickly moves to where you are and wraps his arms around you - squeezing a bit and pulling you in. the scent of his cologne helps your mind start to slow down.

“easy now, what’s wrong?” he pulls back and searches your face for an answer.

you look down and explain how work has been stressing you out, “i’m so tired gaz, i work all the time without any breaks and it seems like my efforts get me no where. i don’t even feel like i can stop because anytime that i do it just racks up. i know you work a lot and never complain ,i shouldn’t even be making this scene.”

“hey hey… none of that, yeah?” he boops your nose lightly and you smile a bit which makes him smile also, “there’s my sweetheart, cmere. just because i work a lot doesn’t mean you don’t too love, and i want you to know we don’t ever have to compare ourselves - we both have challenges.” you nod your head and he nods back.

- “how about you take the rest of this week off? i know your boss wouldn’t bother letting you go - you’re her best worker! call in tomorrow and we can focus on you.”

(or, alternatively if you’re a student! :>)

- “how about this week you just go in tomorrow, then take the rest of the week off. i know you’ll have to email your profs but your health comes first - yes even mentally. you’re a hard worker and you’ll be able to catch up before winter break love - but what i’m seeing now? you’re going to burn out if you don’t take this break.”

you listen to him and take the break, spending some days alone with him and he even messages his captain that he’s got to keep his eye on you.

“cap sends his best love, we all care about you.”

Simon/Ghost

unlike the other guys, ghost catches on quickly that you’ve been feeling upset. as someone who has his own internal battles, he recognizes easily when someone is fighting theirs. in fact, the night before he sees you rub your temples in frustration before slamming your laptop shut, he doesn’t have a huge reaction because he doesn’t want you to feel embarrassed or upset - instead he minds his business and waits for you to be ready.

although, when the next day rolls by he sees you on the verge of a panic when your whole assignment/document completely vanishes after hours of work. at this point you’re bawling your eyes out and he can hear from his office so he quickly gets up to check on you.

“you alright in here?” he asks, keeping a bit of distance not wanting to intrude on you even though you’ve told him before that he isn’t pushing your boundaries, he prefers to tread lightly and respect your space.

you explain to him what’s happened, or what’s been happening for that matter. not only did your work just vanish out of thin air on your laptop, the workload you’ve received has been insufferable.

you’re the one who initiates seeking him out and that’s when he fully goes to you with a warm embrace, hand on the back of your head holding you softly. “it’ll be alright, i’ll ask one of the guys to help you get that work back love.”

“i’ve been feeling terrible simon, i know i don’t say anything but i think i might just explode - or i kinda have.. haven’t i.” he chuckles a bit and sighs, “i noticed but i didn’t want to make you upset by bringing it up. you’ve gotta be easier on yourself, you do a lot and even though you might not have all your work done by tomorrow you need to take a break for your well being. not for me, for you. promise me a you’ll take a break?”

you nod, “good. i’m glad you’re listening to me for once.”

“hey i do listen to you! when i want to!” you say with a sniffle.

he laughs and holds you a bit tighter, he won’t let you go through this alone. you’re gonna spend the next few days just with him - relaxing till you’re feeling better.

-

I HOPE THIS IS ALRIGHT! thank you so much for the first ask <3 im not like a writer of any sorts but i did try :) i hope you enjoy 🫶🏻

[thetriplets3]

❊ never alone ❊

TW: mentions and alludes to mild to severe depression, descriptions of physical signs of an eating disorder, allusions of an eating disorder, talks about nightmares, and panic attacks are mentioned

You have the sweetest soul there is. You are so mindful of how I’m feeling and always asking if there’s anything you can do for me or if I’m okay. Usually I find this annoying because the answer almost every time is no, every day is a struggle for me, every day is the same. But I’ll never get annoyed hearing you ask because you care so much and would take my problems in a heartbeat if you could. You’re my medicine. You radiate this comforting and healing energy that is slowly healing all my wounds.

The wounds you have started healing in me are beginning to open back up. I’ve moved 2 hours away for school, 2 hours away from you and anyone I know. I’ve gotten to the worst place I’ve ever been mentally, and it’s noticeable physically. Whether you say it or not during our facetime calls, you noticed everything. You noticed how much weight I had lost, that I was merely just a skeleton. You checked in on me occasionally but never brought up the change in my appearance, not entirely sure how to approach that. I don’t think I realized just how bad it had gotten. When you deal with something every day for so long, it becomes a new normal for you. It makes you blind to the things around you.

I had tremors 24/7, graphic vivid nightmares that I can still see when I close my eyes, permanently scarred in my mind. I could barely sleep because I was so afraid of the nightmares. I’d start my days with a shower hoping it would add a little pep in my step but that was always unsuccessful. Putting my music on, I’d turn the water to scolding hot and just think about how I couldn’t stand every day being the same, it was a never ending nightmare. From the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep I would cry and cry until I cried myself into a panic attack to the point of not being able to breathe. I didn’t recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror, it was as if I was a ghost watching myself bleakly trying to survive. Food was impossible. Everything tastes different. Barely able to get a snack down, I was on a fine line between life and death, and no one seemed to notice. All I needed was for one person to realize I was barely able to keep my head above the water and no one did. I was desperately and silently pleading for help.

Waking up everyday and knowing exactly what will happen, as it’s been like this for weeks, knowing there’s nothing you can do to make it stop, knowing you are merely just an empty vessel of a skeleton leads me to think of only one option. To think those thoughts weighs so heavily on my mind it will forever haunt me. I’m laying in bed, crying so hard I’m on the verge of a panic attack, I hear a knock on the door. Waiting to see if my roommate will answer the door, the knocking stops, must have been for her. I’m sucked back into my thoughts and tears, clawing at my chest desperately gasping for a breath when I’m interrupted by a knock. I freeze, confused as to who would be knocking on my door. I crawl my way out of bed, bringing the blanket that’s wrapped around my shoulders with me. With a heavy sigh I opened the door not really wanting to see anyone. I was in shock, you were the last person I thought would be at my door but the one person I needed.

“You gonna say hi or just stare at me?” You ask with a smirk on your face.

I attack you in a hug, causing you to stumble backwards. My blanket covered body engulfs your torso as you wrap your arms around my shoulders and back comfortingly rubbing them. I refuse to let go because this is the one thing I’ve been needing so badly and I’m afraid if I let go it’ll all disappear. One thing I love about you is that you won’t let go of a hug until the other person does first, so we stay hugging each other in my doorway like our lives depend on it. Pressing a sweet kiss to the top of my head, you briefly pull away from the hug to wrap your arms around my torso, lifting me off the ground. I move my blanketed arms to wrap around your neck, burying my face in the crook of your shoulder and neck. I can’t help but let the tears continue to fall, wetting your neck.

“Oh sweetheart, I’m here it’s okay, let it out I’ve got you” you coo into my ear, resting your head against mine. You walk to my bed with our bodies still clinging to each other. Placing yourself under my covers with my body laying partly on yours, holding on to you for dear life. You reach up to remove the blanket that’s been hiding my body.

“You’ll be too warm honey, you gotta take the blanket off” you say.

I release my grip on the blanket letting you put it to the side, covering me with my bedding. Now that my blanket is gone my body is revealed. You can see and feel just how much I’ve been struggling. A tear slips your eye as you quickly wipe it.

“I see you sweet girl, I see that you’re not okay, I’m here to help” you whisper in the sweetest voice, rubbing my back soothingly.

That’s what I’ve been needing to hear, to know that somebody sees I’m not okay and is willing to help. Cuddling into your side, you delicately trace your fingers along my back. You can feel the tremors that have taken over my muscles. You knew I had hard days but weren't aware they got this bad. I didn’t know what was happening to me and I was scared. Seeing me in this fragile, vulnerable state breaks your heart. Your gentle tracing on my back is lulling me into a much needed nap.

“You’re not alone now sweetheart, I’m here I’ve got you. We’ll get through this together” you whisper in my ear as I drift off into sleep.

You stay awake and watch me for a while to make sure I don’t need anything. Your eyes graze my face watching as it contorts and slightly reacts to the nightmares. You tighten your hold on me, reminding me that you’re here. You eventually drift off into sleep yourself. I’m awake at 5am, unable to go back to sleep. You’re a heavy sleeper so I know reaching over you to grab my laptop to put on a show won’t disturb you, even putting my headphones in to make sure I don’t wake you. Putting on my comfort show, I try to relax. I zoned out that I didn’t see you wake up.

“Good morning sunshine, how are you feeling today?” you say with a sleepy voice that makes my heart skip a beat.

I grumble in response and shove my face into your neck. “Nightmares, only slept till 5” I mutter into your neck.

“I’m sorry honey that’s gotta be unpleasant” You say sincerely.

We stay in bed for about an hour watching tv as your hand rubs against my back, in an attempt to soothe my body. “We should get up and get ready” You tell me. This is the hardest part of the day for me. It always feels like the most difficult thing for me to do. I stay in bed while you go to the washroom to do your business and get changed. Coming back to my room you find me sleeping. Letting me sleep for a little while longer you pick out something comfy for me to change into. You even go as far as pairing items together to make outfits for me, so it takes less effort. You tidy up my room a little just by straightening and putting things where they belong. I wake up as you're doing so and sit up in bed stretching. You hand me a hoodie and sweatpants to change into, you turn around as I change.

“Shower? Skincare? What do you want to do?” You ask.

“None, too challenging” I mutter, embarrassed that I couldn't manage basic self care.

“I can do it for you, well at least the skincare. I can stay in the room while you shower if you don't wanna be alone” you suggest. I nod knowing that I should take care of myself.

I hear you enter the bathroom and you announce that you're just on the counter. It feels easier knowing that you're here encouraging me every step of the way. I take my time and wash my hair while I'm in here, not knowing when I'll be able to manage it again. I call out to you letting you know that I'm done and I see your arm stick through the curtain holding a towel that you must've thrown in the dryer to warm it up. My heart melts at the small but meaningful gesture. Drying off in the shower I reach for my robe and put it on, stepping out to see you. You pat the counter telling me to hop up so you can begin my skincare. You know my routine by now having seen me do it plenty of times. My eyes flutter shut as your fingers delicately take care of my skin. You’re always so gentle with me it makes my heart do backflips.

Everything feels easier when I have you here. I no longer feel like I’m drowning, you keep me afloat. It’s been about a year since I’ve moved back home, it’s a long healing process and you’re here to help me every step of the way. With you by my side, I’m never alone.

[bihanspookies]

15 Lines Game

Rules: Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture their character/personality/vibe. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you’re free to include those as well.

Ty @thesingularityseries for the tag 🫶

Alora:

1. “…Are you fucking stupid?”

2. “It’s a roach, not a fucking— it flies?!” Alora yells, hand forming into a fist.

3. Rolls her eyes and makes a gun gesture to her temple. “Sure it’s not like I’ve been awake for the past 3 days cleaning up your bullshit.”

4. “Alright well, I’m gonna go hang out with Michi now.”

5. “You are seriously a fucking stain on my sanity.”

6. “Oh fuck, my tomatoes!” Alora exclaims, sprinting towards her greenhouse.

7. “Yeah okay Mr. America.” She makes a jacking off motion with her hand, rolling her eyes heavily.

8. “¡Esto es una puta mierda! ¿Estás realmente bromeando? ¡Qué demonios—“

9. “You push and push and push. Just stop! Okay? Stop trying to force me to open up!”

10. “Get the hell out of my face before I break yours.”

11. “Sure whatever, I’ve got nothing better to do.” She follows Alex and Kate, mentally preparing herself for whatever comes her way.

12. “Not that one… Alex and I got banned last week.” She says nonchalantly, looking to Alex who nods in agreement.

13. “I just wanna go home…” She’s tired, so so tired…

14. She inhales deeply, smearing the blood on her face even more. “I fucked up.”

15. “Don’t leave me… please…” She was on the verge of tears, her jaw tight and body shaking.

Kasiya:

1. “Don’t be frightened, you are safe now.” She offers a kind smile, reassuring the new soul that just appeared.

2. “Raiden! So lovely to see you! Ah and Kung Lao!” She’s momentarily flustered, quickly displaying a grin. “What brings you two here?”

3. “…Excuse me for one moment please.” She turns and quickly walks away, bristling subtly at the off handed comment made by Cetrion.

4. “Mother this is wrong— why are you doing nothing to stop it?!”

5. “You are going to get me in trouble!” She laughs, allowing Kung Lao’s fingers to intertwine with hers to pull her along.

6. “My apologies but I am bound by my duty here in the garden. Now please…”

7. “Please do not stick your hands into my fytó stámnas, that is very rude.”

8. “You are really quite different from your counterpart…” She mutters, eyeing the monk up and down.

9. “Surely my nose cannot be that interesting Kung Lao.” She muses, her eyes following his finger as he traces down its length.

10. “Why do you sit back and do nothing? Shinnok is out there running rampant and—!” She’s silenced when Cetrion suddenly appears behind her, eyes glowing like vibrant jewels and oh so full of anger.

11. “I assure you I am much older than your mind could possibly fathom.”

12. “And you are still handsome even looking like battered meat.” She laughs softly, sniffling and leaning forward to cup a hand on his cheek.

13. “Thank you for allowing me to love you.”

14. “For the last time you two— no! Now stop pestering me, I have other people to take care of.”

15. “That must be absolutely the most cheesiest pick up line you have ever used on me and I am even more surprised that it’s working.”

NP Tags: @luna-di-fuoco @malicedragoness @valyrra @theelderhazelnut

[greenjacketwhitehatdocmui]

Jon Kent Week: Found Family

This is a little something I pounded out for #jonkentweek, prompt: Siblings. This is based on the idea that Teen Jon traveled the multiverse, not just Earth 3, and learned to be stronger. This takes place in an alternate universe and is not Tom Taylor's Jon Kent.

--Doc

      Jonathan Samuel Kent pouted in the way that only 11-year-old boys could.  His nostrils flared with irritation, which only served to remind him that dinner was waiting.  At the stove, his father was making the last few touches on the stew while his mother tapped away at a story.

      “Mom, he’s late,” Jon whined.  “I’m gonna call him.”  He reached for the heavily modified phone at the center of the table.

      Lois raised an eyebrow as she glanced meaningfully at him.  Jon retreated from the phone.

      “He’s not late,” she corrected him, noting the time.  “He still has ten minutes.”

      “He’ll be home, Jon-o,” Clark promised.  “If not, I’ll have a word with your brother’s boss.”

      Jon grunted, defeated by logic.  He glared at the fourth, empty seat at the table.  Maybe he could somehow wish his brother to appear right now.

      It was such an odd concept, having a brother.  For most of his life, he’d been an only child.  Then again, for most of his life, he hadn’t been aware that his father was Superman, nor did he have powers.

      And then, there had been that little “roadtrip” with Grandpa Jor-El.  It was supposed to have been a 2 week-long affair.

      Looking back, even Kelex couldn’t figure out what had been in that black hole.  One moment, he’d been skimming the surface just before the event horizon.  The next, he’d been flung lightyears away, nearly colliding with Space Cabbie.  He also felt like he’d been torn in half.

      Low on power, he basically begged the cabbie to bring him home.  He figured that he could at least get to the Fortress and send out a signal to say he was OK.

      It had taken a week to get back to Earth, Space Cabbie grumbling the whole time.  His onboard AI navigator kept the peace, but everyone was glad when they arrived.

      The happy moment lasted until Jor-El’s ship appeared before them.  A very contrite, sorrowful grandfather requested that Jon come aboard.

-----

      “Jon, something happened while you were away,” Lois said.  She looked like she was on the verge of tears.

      “Is everything okay?” Jon asked.  His parents were here, as well as his grandfather.   Everyone looked unhurt.

      Jor-El waved some kind of scanner up and down Jon.  He frowned at the results.

      “There was some unknown element in the black hole,” Jor-El began.  “From what I can tell, it split you in two.”

      Jon blinked.  “Okay, I’ve had that happen before.  Where’s the other me?”

      “Right here,” came an unfamiliar voice.

      Jon’s jaw dropped.  Before him was…him.  Well, he was an older version of Jon, though not the paunchy, middle-aged version he’d encountered before.  This Jon was lean and maybe seventeen years old.

      “Hey,” Teen Jon greeted him nervously.  “Look, you’re probably thinking that I’m some kind of fake, a clone, a dimensional counterpart or a time traveler.”

      “Yeah…” Jon agreed uneasily.  “You’re not?”

      Teen Jon shook his head.  “Grandpa scanned me down to the subatomic level.  We’re—we’re both Jon Kent.  I just spent the last six years bouncing around dimensions, learning from every Superman there.  For everyone else, it’s been about a week.”

      Jon looked lost.  His heart thudded against his chest as he looked at his mother, then his father.

      “Mom?  Dad?”  Jon’s voice was raspy.  “Am I—am I the fake?”

      Lois shook her head as she knelt down and hugged him.  “No,” she whispered.  “You’re both mine.  Both of you.”

      Teen Jon and his father knelt down as well.  There were whispers and mumblings that he didn’t remember, but he felt…safe.

-----

      It hadn’t been easy adjusting to the new family status.  There had been friction and squabbles, but nothing apocalyptic.  Young Jon would keep going to Reeves-West while Teen Jon opted to transfer to Metropolis University.

      More than a few favors had been called in to create “Finn Connors,” Teen Jon’s new identity.  Thanks to glasses with a holographic projector, “Finn” wouldn’t need anything like a wig.

      Of course, there was the matter of Teen Jon’s part-time job.  He hadn’t mentioned it at the time, but the guiding force for his dimensional travels had come from the guardian of Hypertime himself—Hyperman, aka another Jon Kent.  Hyperman had offered Teen Jon the opportunity to become a dimensional troubleshooter—with the caveat that it was a dire emergency, and that weekends were off-limits.

      Teen Jon had agreed.  The arrangement had been working out well, so far.

      He had to admit, it was kind of…nice having a brother figure.  Every once in a while, they’d go on patrol and take a break on a rooftop.

-----

      The patrol had been fairly uneventful.  There were a few robberies, a mugging or two, but it had been a fairly slow night in the city.

      They sat on a rooftop overlooking Hob’s Bay.  Teen Jon had bought ice cream cones for both of them.  They ate in relative silence.

      “What’s bugging you?” Teen Jon asked.

      Young Jon didn’t look him in the eye.  Teen Jon knew that tactic very well.

      “I missed this, you know,” Teen Jon said.  He gestured expansively to the city.  “I missed Hamilton, too.  Other worlds…it’s just not the same.”

      “But you got stronger, right?” Young Jon asked.  He still didn’t look his brother in the eye.

      “I learned a lot,” Teen Jon acknowledged.  “There wasn’t any version of Dad that wasn’t willing to help me out.”

      There was another bit of silence.  After a few minutes, they finished their cones.

      “Do you think I’ll be as strong as you?” Young Jon asked.  His voice was shaky and tentative.

      Teen Jon shook his head.  “Nope.”

      Young Jon glared at him.  “Really?”

      Teen Jon smirked.  “Really.  You’ll be stronger than me.”

      Young Jon blinked.  “Wait.  Really?”

      Teen Jon nodded.  “Absolutely.  You won’t have to hop dimensions to learn what I know.  And you’ll have Mom and Dad around, too.”

      “Huh,” Young Jon grunted.  “So…when can I learn that super ventriloquism thing?”

      “I wouldn’t recommend learning before your voice breaks.  It really strains your vocal chords before then.”  Teen Jon glanced in the direction of home.  “Mom’s really tapping away at the keyboard.  We’d better get home while she’s in the zone.”  He paused and winked.  “And we never stopped for ice cream.  Got it?”

      Young Jon managed a smirk.  “What ice cream?”

-----

      “Jon.”  There was no mistaking the warning in his mother’s voice.

      He blinked.  He looked at the slight dent in the table he’d created by tapping his finger impatiently—at super speed.

      Jon chuckled nervously.  “Sorry.”

      Lois sighed.  “Fine, you can call your brother.  I’m sure he’s okay, though.”

      Jon heard the slight skipping of his mother’s heartbeat.  She’d been nervous, too.

      He dialed the first preset in the HyperPhone.  A holographic rendition of Teen Jon’s face appeared.

      “Hey, Big Brother,” Jon greeted Teen Jon.  “When are you coming home?  Dinner’s almost ready.”

      Teen Jon smiled.  “I’ll be there in a little bit.  The Chief had me detour to talk to someone.”

      “`Big Brother?’” came a voice to the side of Teen Jon—the same voice as the dimensional troubleshooter.  “You have a brother?”

      “Um, yeah, it’s a long story,” Teen Jon said.  Then he turned his attention back to the camera pickup.  “I’ll be right there; I just have to say a few things.”

      “It’s beef stew night,” Clark said.  “I made extra.”

      “I’ll be right there,” Teen Jon promised.  Then the holographic display winked off.

      Moments later, Clark and Young Jon heard the faint whine as the dimensional walls were breached.  Teen Jon sped through an open window and changed into jeans and a polo in a blur.  He gave his parents a hug, then ruffled Young Jon’s hair.  This elicited a squawk of protest before they got settled for dinner.

      “Sorry I cut it so close,” Teen Jon said over his second bowl of stew.  “The Chief wanted me to talk to another version of myself who had it rough.  I think he’ll be okay, but he really needs to open up and maybe get some non-super friends.”

      “I’m sure he’ll be fine as long as he talks it out,” Clark said.  “Which reminds me…your therapist called.  He wanted to make sure you were still good for Monday.”

      “I should be,” Teen Jon confirmed.  “I don’t think the universe is going to end on Monday,” he joked.

      “Isn’t your Journalism project due this Monday?” Lois reminded him.  “Jane called and asked ‘Finn’ if he’d done his part.”

      Teen Jon’s eyes widened.  There seemed to be a palpable aura of dread surrounding him.

      “Is that a ‘project isn’t done’ dread or ‘talking to Jane’ kind of dread?” Clark asked.

      Teen Jon squirmed a little.  “Not so much the first, but more of the second,” he admitted.  “We broke up because I saw a lot of red flags.”

      Lois leaned forward.  “I get it.  It’s kind of hard to talk to the ex, but at least you’re trying to get along.”

      Teen Jon rolled his eyes.  “It’s trying all right, Mom.”  Then he diverted his attention to his little brother.  “Learn from my mistakes, little brother.  Exes are not to be trifled with.”

      Young Jon shrugged.  “I dunno about that.  I haven’t had one yet.”

      Teen Jon affected an expression of doom.  “Yet,” he said dramatically.

      The table broke out in laughter.  Thankfully, nobody had snorted stew out of their noses.

      Young Jon just smiled.  It had taken a lot of work on everyone’s part to get to this new status quo.  They lived a crazy life, but moments like this were worth it.  It was good to have a brother.

[ravennasgf]

the new headmistress pt 2

TW: swearing, please let me know if there’s more 

y/n’s POV 

I wake up. There's a week till school starts again. I decide to go and have a shower getting ready for the day. I then head to the dinning hall for breakfast after putting on a suit and some light makeup. I grab an apple once I’d entered the dinning hall sitting down with the rest of the teachers who were at the table as I wait for Rissa and Nora to arrive. After waiting for a few minutes they both arrive.

“Morning, how are you both this morning?”

“Good and you?” Clarissa asks 

“Fine,” Lesso responds

“I’m doing good would I be able to talk to the both of you after breakfast?”

“Of course,” Dovey says Lesso just nods. 

We walk to Clarissa’s classroom since it was closer we sit down. 

“Ok Clarissa, I’ve been thinking about what you said yesterday, and I’ve come up with a solution, but I want both of your opinions on the two options on the table.”

“Well y/n I really don’t mind you’ll be making the most decisions because you’re the balance,” Rissa says. 

“I don’t care,” Lesso says bored.

“Well then my solution is this… we can try all three of us but if it doesn’t work out or there’s too many arguments and fights we got to just me.” dovey and lesso just look at each other. 

“Works for us,” Dovey says. 

“Great, let’s keep this between us for now,”

“Sure,” 

~~~~~

After a while Lesso and I leave to prepare for classes. My castle has finally been finished, and we decided that we’d have an office for the three of us so we can have our dean meetings in one place in the middle. 

~

It’s been three days since we decided that the three of us would be headmistress of the school but so far dovey and lesso have been at each others throats and lesso making me feel more like shit than I have previously. I am fed up. I only wish that we could go back to our childhood when we were really good friends. I’m going to tell them that I’m done, and it’s not working and that I’m the new headmistress. 

~~

Sitting in a meeting with the two of them I’m once again on the verge of tears due to the constant arguing throughout this stupid meeting. 

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” I yell fed up about to cry. “THAT’S ENOUGH!” they both shut up instantly. “I’m fed up with this constant arguing between us, I have been hoping and praying that we could fix this friendship, but I can’t keep dealing with this, I’m done, I am now the only headmistress, I warned you last time, you will listen to me when I say something and do exactly what I say when I say it. You’re both on very thin ice, congratulations you’ve both been demoted this will be announced tomorrow morning at breakfast with the rest of the staff.” I say as a few tears fall down my face as I stand up to leave the office. 

“I understand,” Rissa says softly looking at me with a sad smile. 

[theshadowrealmitself]

Who wants to be salty with me?

Anyways, so I went to my first day of class today (I have no fucking idea why they started the week on Thursday?) which was,,, terrifying. there were so many people, despite the professor’s assurances the coursework looked terrifying (mandatory coding class, I’m shit with computers), and I just kept thinking “I don’t belong here, I’m not smart enough”

Honestly spent the entire lecture on the verge of tears

But I made it through!! Treated myself to some food afterwards, I’m sure it’s just the first day jitters

Anyways, that wasn’t the salt stuff, just some updates about my day

The salt stuff is that the professor made a discord (never had a prof make it, it’s always been student created ones), and it’s only got 3 channels and one of those channels is for pet pics, apparently the professor found that it helps students deal with stress, and tbh I’ve really been enjoying it, there’s so many cute pets!!

But one dude decided to write that he didn’t have any pets so here’s a pic of him in his apartment and then just posted a selfie in it????

I don’t like it, it reads one of three ways to me, 1) he thought his face was such a blessing (since this channel is for de-stressing) 🙄 that he had to share it to help us, 2) dude couldn’t stand not participating and needed attention, or 3) it’s his own inside joke with himself which I still hate

Now there’s just this dude’s face when I scroll through the pet pics and it annoys me 😭

Okay mini rant done, just had to be a hater for a couple of minutes, back to wishing the very best for all my fellow students just trying to navigate college

[mirrorballsss]

this book is the rebirth of my soul it was that good. i was GAPING at the plot twists at the end and almost on the verge of tears and omfg i loved it sm what the hell is this poetic smart ass masterpiece omg thank you world for making me read this book it’s probs my favorite book of the year so far

i’m gonna watch s1 now of sab but i have to wait like another 2 weeks to get the next one because my friend has to finish it and she’s lowk slow at reading so yeah.

final thoughts: new brainrot omg i feel like i’ve been changed inside and out

shoutouts to @ketterdam-snack-bar @bazkrekkers @sleepless-crows and any other soc related acc on here for helping me read this masterpiece :)

[donniesbabygirl28]

Dallas x single mom! Reader (pt7)

Later in the day, it was time to pick Ally up from preschool.

Dallas of course offered to walk with you, which you agreed. Duh.

You two walked to the school building as kids ran to their parents and siblings.

“Mom! Dally!!” Ally exclaimed as she raced to the both of you, holding a pretty piece of paper.

“Look what I made!” She yelled, holding up the paper to you.

You took it gently from her, reading over the messy handwriting.

It was a picture of you and the gang.

Some of it was scribbles and it was hard to make out.

Above johnny it said “jonnycake” as she spelled his name wrong and put what she thought his name was. You smiled to yourself.

Above Darry it said “mom #2/dare bear”

Above two-bit his name was written as “two-butt” you laughed as you remembered you used to call him that in elementary school.

Above ponyboy she wrote “hors boy”

Sodapop was “Pepc” (pepsi)

Steve was “boy wif crazy tooth” you laughed to to yourself as it seemed so accurate.

But you and Dallas were not too far away from the gang but you two were separated by a big heart with you and Dallas in the middle.

Above you it said “mommy”

Above Dallas it said “dad ♡⃝ ◡̈”

You almost wanted to cry with happy tears.

“It’s beautiful, baby. It’s absolutely beautiful.” You complimented her on her art work.

She smiles and then looked at Dallas and lifted her arms up, signaling she wanted him to pick her up.

He picked her up, holding her on his hip.

The three of all went on y’all’s way home and stopped at the door, opening it.

But there was a small change of plans.

You had bought the house next to the Curtis house.

But ally was already used to being so close with them, you didn’t know how she was gonna take it.

You had all of your stuff in the house and you already knew where you were gonna put everything so it wouldn’t take long to move in since you didn’t have a shit ton of stuff.

You did half of it last night when everyone was asleep. You snuck out to put the big stuff up like the beds and tv and tables and chairs.

You just didn’t know how to tell Ally.

You gathered the gang into the living room.

You sat Ally in your lap waiting for everyone to be ready for the big news.

“So..I don’t know- I don’t know how to tell Ally. I’m sure you guys won’t be a problem but Ally is definitely gonna be- I don’t know.”

You paused.

“Last week, I registered Ally into school. And I also bought a house so we wouldn’t be in y’all’s hair. Cause, you know I’ve been looking for a house and the-“

All the boys groaned and complained.

And Ally wasn’t having it.

“Wait what?! No! I like it here! This is our family! We can’t leave them-“ you put your hand over her mouth.

“Boys. Let her speak. This is her decision and her life. If she has to leave then let her. Be respectful.” Darry corrected the boys.

Dallas looked like he was gonna break.

“So..I won’t be able to see y’all anymore?” Dallas questioned sadly.

You chuckled.

“You didn’t let me finish. I swear the two of you are just alike.” You laughed.

But Dallas didn’t.

“I was gonna say. That I bought the house next door. So that way we could visit. This is the only family Ally has. I would never take her away from family. Y’all are my family too. I’ve practically known y’all my whole life. Even if I didn’t know you that well. We all went to school together.”

“I did half of the unpacking last night. When everyone was asleep. I did all of the beds and the hard stuff I just have to put the dishes away. I put groceries in there and everything.”

“I moved all of our clothes over there. And y’all can most definitely come visit any time. I don’t care what time it is. Y’all have did so much for us and I don’t even know how to thank y’all.”

You were on the verge of tears.

“Thank you guys so much.”

Darry smiled.

“Of course. You’re also still welcome to visit any time. We all love y’all and it was absolutely an adventure.”

You laughed, wiping your tears.

“You guys are making seem like I’m leaving earth.”

The boys laughed.

Dallas didn’t know how to feel.

The boys went back to what they were doing.

“Wait!! I wanna say bye to them!” She yelled.

She got off of your lap and hugged all the boys..

“Bye darbear.” She said.

“Aw. Bye Ally. You’re only moving next door. That means it only takes a few steps to get back to us.” He said, hugging her.

They pulled away.

She was crying by the time she got to Dallas.

She hugged his leg, sobbing.

It broke his heart.

“Aw. Hey, man. You’re tuff. I’ll try my best to visit, alright? I came over here almost every day just to see you. You know that? Come’re.” He said, pulling her into a hug.

You could tell he was crying too.

“Alright.” You said, picking up ally.

“Come on Dallas.” You said, opening the door.

He was confused.

“Huh?”

You rolled your eyes playfully.

“You stayin’ the night ain’t you?” You said

He jumped up so quick and bolted for the door after saying goodbye to everyone.

“Mama? Can we listen to Elvis while we unpack?” Ally asked tugging on your shirt.

You looked at her like “wtf”

Of course you listened to Elvis. But you never thought that she liked it. But I mean. Who doesn’t like a little bit of Elvis.

Before could answer Dallas did.

“I gue-“

“Oh my god. Yes!” He exclaimed, picking her up, running for the door.

He looked back at you with a frown when he realized the door was locked.

“Hurry mama!!”

“Yeah. Hurry mama.” He said with a glare and you laughed while unlocking the door.

You had your bed put together and where you wanted it and Ally’s bed in her room you even decorated a little bit.

Dallas put Elvis on the speaker and danced with Ally.

You put the dishes in cabinets and decorated the bathroom.

You put some LED lights in your bedroom and put them on blue.

You swept and mopped the floors and put posters up in your room.

People forget that you’re only 17.

So of course you’re gonna have posters in your room.

Everything like Aerosmith, Elvis, Stevie Nicks, Prince,

Terminator, Predator, journey.

All of that was in your room.

It looked like a 17 year old boy’s personality just threw up all over your room.

Which was what you were going for.

Dallas got some clothes and the stuff he needed from bucks.

You made the bed and chose which side you sleeping on, which was next to the wall.

Ally walked into your room.

She gasped.

“Terminator!!”

She was in love with all the posters.

Dallas walked in with his stuff and set his bag on the ground.

“Wow! It looks great in here.”

“Thanks.”

You laid on your bed.

Which was hella comfortable.

You almost fell asleep until Dallas started tickling you and Ally started jumping on the bed.

You laughed until you almost pissed yourself.

You looked at the time and figured you would start dinner.

Ally went to play with her toys in her room.

You started making spaghetti.

Dallas walked up and hugged you from behind.

He gave you a peck on the neck.

“Dallas. I’m trying to make dinner.”

He smirked.

“Am I distracting you?” He said, rubbing your sides.

You rolled your eyes.

“Shut up.”

“Daddyyyyy!!” You heard from Ally’s room.

You chuckled.

“That’s your que.” you said as you stirred the pot.

He laughed and went to see what she wanted.

A few minutes later as you were finishing up with dinner, he returned with a tiara on his head and a pair of shades which were crooked on his face.

You laughed and ran to get your camera.

You came back and right as he flipped you off, you snapped a picture and literally died laughing.

You put it on the fridge and fixed plates.

You called Ally in to eat and grabbed forks for everyone.

Dallas forgot he had the tiara and shades on and ate while wearing them the whole time.

You almost choked on your food trying not to laugh.

“What.” He said, finishing up eating.

“Oh, nothing.” Ally said snickering.

Everyone was done with eating and you gave Ally a bath and put her pajamas on which was a yellow onesie with polka dots.

You took a shower and put on your pajamas which were a pair blue plaid pajama shorts and a cami top.

You laid Ally down for bed and walked into your room.

“Oo. You look sexy in those.” Dallas said playfully while watching tv on your bed.

You blushed and jumped onto the bed.

“Shut up.”

You got under the covers and laid next to Dallas.

He wrapped his arms around you and turned the tv off.

Dallas was almost asleep.

“I love you..” he said, tightening his grip around you.

“I love you too, boo.” You said, kissing his cheek before turning the lamp off and drifting off to sleep.

[umichenginabroad]

Stockholm Week 3: Travel Preps!

Hej! I can’t believe it’s already February. Time flew by as I made more unforgettable memories in Stockholm :)

I am definitely getting more used to school and living like a local (we went through so much recycling in the past three weeks).

But for now, I'll dive right into my third week:

1/29 Mon: Freedom in Gamla Stan

During lunchtime, my friends and I visited Matchaya to get bubble tea and lunch. It was only a 10/15 minute walk from the DIS building! Very convenient. The bubble teas were AMAZING and the ramen was good too :)  

My first bubble tea (Mango passion fruit) in Stockholm was a huge success <3 They put chunks of real mango in the drink too!!

I’ve always wanted to go back to Gamla Stan to go into some specific stores that I passed by when I was with my friends, hence I went to Gamla Stan again. Granted that I have been there multiple times now, I didn’t need Google Maps to use the metro or get to the stores. In a small souvenir shop, I found the perfect key chain for my housing key!

It’s a tiny little fuzzy Viking friend! 

As I walked in the warm sunshine and the occasional breezes, I could feel the definition of peace of mind. It was exactly what I came to study abroad for and I was suddenly on the verge of tears due to pure happiness. It was an inexplicable moment :)

1/30 Tue: Searching for the One 

I had never imagined that finding a cream-colored puffer in XS size would be this hard.

There was this white jacket that I saw in UNIQLO during my arrival shopping, and it had been living in my head rent-free since then. I have visited other stores to look for jackets with similar properties but I never succeeded. Moreover, UNIQLO was out of the size I was looking for both online and offline. When I went to the website and applied the filters it said “VERY LOW STOCK” in the mall. I had no option other than to go to the Mall of Scandinavia to look for the exact jacket. I had to try!  

I took the astonishingly smooth commuter train for the first time, and it only took 25 minutes in total. Much to my joy, I was able to snatch the last one at the mall!

1/31 Wed: Let’s Book Everything 

I didn’t have any field trips today, so I had a great time waking up late in the morning (afternoon to be exact). 

I appreciate the sun so much more than I did back in the States 

My roommate and I had a conversation the day before about going to Austria, Vienna together as a weekend trip. We searched through Ryanair (at 1 am) and found the best flight that perfectly suits our class schedules. It gets better: it was $65 per person for a round trip to Vienna! That’s what I call a deal.

Next, I called my dear college friends back home. They have been talking about going to London ever since my study abroad in Sweden was confirmed. My friend and I scheduled a time on Wednesday with Google Calendar (this is what we need to do when we each have 10 billion events going on in our lives) to finalize the trip. Again, Ryanair did its trick and I got my flights booked in an hour. 

** Ryanair is recommended if you are on a tight budget AND don’t have a lot of stuff! I’m only bringing my backpack since these are all weekend trips :)

My roommate and I also had a fabulous dinner, ramen. 

As you can see from the photo, we had a feast

2/1 Thu: Self-Care Day

My morning film class was canceled today, so I had the pleasure of turning off all the alarms. For once I had plenty of time to make breakfast. 

*･+:*｡･ Golden French toast *｡･:*+*

When I was done with my late afternoon three-hour core course, I really didn’t feel like doing anything. So I didn’t! 

The view from the DIS building 

We just cooked together following an Instagram recipe

(could have used thinner meat)

and watched Memento together. It played with my mind too many times… I highly recommend it + a video essay that unfolds the movie from a different perspective! 

2/2 Fri: Banksy!  

To make up for the work I didn’t do last night, I woke up at 5 am to finish my homework. 

Sunrise view at 7:30 am 

After class, I briefly ate lunch and headed to The Mystery of Banksy.

I had no prior background knowledge about Banksy, which allowed the museum trip to be a fun learning experience. There was a lot more political and social criticism than I imagined in Banksy’s artworks. The pop-up ends on February 4th, so if you are interested check out the Banksy website! 

Here are the pictures we took: 

My roomie even brought her camera!!! I was so jealous

2/3 Sat: Fika with Friends

Of course, I went to Gamla Stan again. I was invited for a fika brunch and there was no reason to say no.

We walked around until there were seats available at Fika and Wine.

The food and the desserts were all flavorful. 

After devouring everything, we strolled around the city to digest. All four of us took pictures of each other at the same time and the conversations we had were too funny.

So much laughter &lt;3

I started turning around and around while my friend was taking pictures of me - it resulted in me getting a new nickname of rotisserie chicken.  

The picture depicts a chicken in the midst of rotating

Your answer better be YES to this question!

Maybe it was the turns that led me to lose my transportation card. That’s right, I lost my 90-day SL card. Thankfully, I registered for the replacement guarantee during the first week because I knew it was bound to happen at some point (but not this early ;-; ). I went to the SL Customer Service Center in Central Station, near the T-Centralen metro station, and got my 90-day plan transferred into a new card for $2. 

Sending love to my roomie who stayed with me until the problem got fixed. Couldn’t have done it without you <3 

2/4 Sun: More Planning (Hopefully the Last)

I finally finalized all the details for my Spain trip during the Exploration Travel Week Break! I got the flight and the hotel in Barcelona, and I am extremely excited for this trip. Going to Spain has been on my bucket list for a while now, and I can’t describe how THRILLED I am. I will write more about it when the time comes :) 

My plans for the rest of today are doing more homework and maybe getting dinner with my friends at a Ghanaian restaurant. 

I hope you enjoyed my relaxing but vibrant third week! The past three weeks in Stockholm have been exactly what I came to study abroad for, and I wouldn’t change this experience with anything. 

I hope to share more of my everlasting memories with you!

 

Vi ses, 

Jiwoo Kim 

Chemical Engineering

DIS Study Abroad in Stockholm, Sweden

[olderjodijournals]

MONDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1990

My mother said something astounding. Not only was I shocked, but I also shed a few tears. I called Mom and told her that I bought a little tiny fork and spoon for Sarah and socks for Becky and Lisa. Then I told her that I agreed as far as having money and someone to help as far as having a baby is concerned. But I also told her I didn’t like being told what I should do or should not do at this age.

So I finally asked the two questions of my main concern in blunt plain English. I said, “If I have a child someday, are you going to disown me or call the state?”

She said no. I freaked with shock and joy. I absolutely and totally could not believe it.

Otherwise, no more news going on lately. Just that I had a very nice weekend with Brenda and also Gail and Judy. Gail and Judy are so nice. You feel as if you’ve known them for years. They, of course, don’t turn me on but they’re very attracted to me, so I hear. Also, it’s rather obvious by the way they look at me. Same thing with Bonny. I did their nails for them and also, a couple of weekends ago, Brenda, Judy, Gail and I went to Jam’s. We had fun, and I ran into Tracy there who said she broke up with Nancy. Guess Nancy was an alcoholic and a troublemaker. She seemed a little irritated by talking to me and left with some other girl who seemed slightly offended when I asked her if she was single.

Tracy said she was in California on the 4th of July and was so shocked at how feminine the gay women were there. That’s what she likes, too.

She did tell me to leave a message with my number at this dentist’s office where she works on Maple St. But should I really leave a message which I seriously doubt will ever get answered?

My friendship with Andy has been excellent the last several months and he admitted he was being cruel and selfish for a while and then realized it and didn’t want to lose me as his friend. He was also jealous of my looks and my abilities but instead of being negative he’s encouraging and appreciates what I do.

It’s really too bad his relationship with Miles isn’t doing too great. According to Andy, he’s too clingy and constantly wants sex. Also, cuz Andy didn’t give Miles sex for two days, Miles cheated on him. Andy’s pissed and is on the verge of dumping him. He says, though, he thinks Miles is the way he is cuz his father molested him. Also, he says Miles has a big mouth and blabbed some sexual stuff about him and Andy real loud in Friendly’s. He also talks 10 times more gayish than Andy does.

Tomorrow, I want to go see Paula and get something for Brenda, but I still can’t sleep yet and it’s now 3:17 AM. I was beat before. Sometimes life as a night owl sucks.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4, 1990

Right now I’m on the phone listening to Fran talk to Bobbie. Andy and I wish to hell Tracy would call us.

I’m turning into a very, very slightly ok artist. Of course, some of my drawings are a wee bit explicit. Guess I’ve been horny lately.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5, 1990

Gee, I have exactly 1 day short of 2 months till I’m 25 years old. A quarter of a century.

My new little kitten, which Brenda got me, is sitting here in bed with me and he’s so loving and so affectionate. The one thing you couldn’t do with Sasha was pick her up and cuddle her or have her come to you and let you cuddle her for more than 3 seconds. His name is Bandit. He’s now trying to distract me from writing by rubbing up against my book and me and giving me kisses. He’s fairly gentle with his claws but when he gets a little older I’d like to get him neutered and declawed. You know I hate being clawed when you’re playing with them. I mean they can just sit or stand on you and their claws hurt like hell. Now he’s playing with my hair which all kittens, cats and babies love to do.

Brenda’s cab broke down yesterday afternoon and while she was at the office, the owner’s wife just happened to be giving away kittens, so that’s how I got him. That was yesterday, the day after Brenda’s b-day. He’s 6 weeks old and looks a lot like Sasha, but Sasha was gray and white. He’s orange and white and his hair’s a little shorter. It’s the same pattern as Sasha’s. I think they’re both tabby cats. He’s so loving and follows me everywhere. And he’s pretty calm and gentle, too. He knows how to pee in his litter box, but he’s still going to have to learn not to go on furniture or chew wires.

I have had absolutely no sneezing fits!!!!!!! And this cat is here to stay till death do it part. My mom was right as far as all my problems being due to smoking and I’ve known it too for quite some time but it was just too scary to admit. It’s scary to think of dealing with withdrawal after quitting but my congestion is getting really bad so I’ve had only 7 or 8 cigarettes today.

The pigs were a little jealous and depressed about Bandit, but otherwise, they’re still the usual loving troublemakers.

I bought Brenda a pair of earrings and a pair of sexy underwear for her b-day and we went to her sister Donna’s house in Palmer. And as I mentioned before, I’ve known her husband Kevin for 4 years. He knew Crystal C, too.

Donna’s a great person who anyone feels comfortable with. The type you could talk to about most anything and who accepts people for what and who they are. The kids were great and Donna’s great with the kids too, and I’d have loved to have someone like her as my mother.

Tomorrow, I’ve got to call John R and maybe I’ll try to leave a message with Dr. Goodman’s receptionist for Tracy, but only once. I also have to call Philip and go to Food Mart. Also, I wonder if Kathy will fix my bangs if I call her. She works at Food Mart and she gave me her number. We went to La Baron together. She hated it too, and she only does it on the side. My bangs really look pretty stupid so maybe she can trim and layer them.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1990

Yesterday, I only smoked 7 or 8 cigarettes. Today, even though I still slept till 9:00 tonight, I’ve had 3 so far. I am very, very congested so that’s part of the reason why I’ve smoked so little. Also cuz I have these sneezing fits and cuz of my wheezing. In 48 hours I’ve smoked only 11 cigarettes so that’s why I’m constantly blowing my nose like there’s no tomorrow. It gets worse before it gets better after you’ve either quit or cut down cuz all that tar and shit starts draining.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7, 1990

Tracy called me and Andy last night. We were both thrilled to hear from her. I played her the edits which she thought were great. She didn’t contact us, she said, cuz she needed space and time to sort things out.

Last night was awful. I was so full of congestion. I never knew one could have to blow their nose so much. It’s red and sore now and I feel much better now that I drained out all that shit so I guess it was worth the misery. Tomorrow, or today I should say, Bill will be here at 1:00 so I hope I can get a little sleep. I had to sleep all day today as I was so miserable. It’s called “sleeping it off.” I’m thankful I feel much better though and also thankful it wasn’t the flu. Anything but the flu. Smoking very little also helped get rid of it quicker but I couldn’t have smoked much if I wanted to. The funny thing is, though, for the last 3 days I really haven’t had much of a desire to smoke. Today I had 5 or 6 and psychologically I still think of it, but the physical part isn’t too bad.

I love this little kitty of mine to death. I’m so glad Brenda got him for me.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12, 1990

It’s been one week now and I still feel like shit. Oh well. It also looks like I’m gonna have to cancel going to my sister’s tomorrow. One reason’s cuz I feel like shit and the other’s it’s contagious. I don’t want to stand and just look at my nieces from 3 feet away, I want to hold them and hug them. Tammy mentioned going next weekend if I couldn’t make it this time.

Then I’ll be seeing Mom and Dad on the 15th, and it fucking figures I’m sick so I can’t sing.

Yesterday I got 3 journals at an excellent price. I mean a really fantastic deal. Normally the 3 of them would’ve cost close to $24, but I got them for $12 in the secondhand department. I’m glad I discovered that they sell them there which is weird cuz these books are brand new and just as nice as the regular main part of the store.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1990

I was exhausted before, but as usual, I woke right up. Man, oh man, was I just through a hell of a nightmare since the last time I wrote! I had to go to the ER 3 fucking times and I was terrified! I literally thought I was going to die and it hurt so bad I wished I would drop dead till it was over. I had the worst asthma in my life. They had to take me immediately (usually you wait forever) to give me oxygen treatments, and the last time I had an IV. It was really scary. I could only smoke 3 cigarettes in one week’s time. I’m on Prednisone for 12 days and Bactrim which is an antibiotic for 10 days. Also, I’m on Theodur and Alupent which is the same stuff in my inhaler. Theodur and Alupent are the two most common drugs used for asthma.

I saw Mom and Dad on the 15th and we had a fairly good visit. They came up for about an hour or so. They’re back in Florida now.

I may possibly be going to my sister’s this Saturday. Tammy’s really sick now, too.

Steve and I spliced a wire today so I can edit from the CD player onto the stereo and it sounds great, too. I have plenty of editing to do as well as story writing.

They raised my food stamps to $114, so I did a huge grocery order and I never had so much food in my life, but I really need to lose weight. I’m getting pretty chunky lately.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1990

Brenda brushed out my hair for me, and God is it getting long. It’s almost to my very lower back and the layers are growing out. The very top layer, though, is completely destroyed. I have massive split ends.

Shadow’s climbing all over me. I think I mentioned before why I changed his name from Bandit to Shadow. He’s like glue. He loves to be near me constantly. Follows me everywhere like a shadow. However, when I go to bed, I shut the bedroom door cuz he always wakes me up.

One thing that’s starting to annoy me is that I’m very bloated. I wanna hurry up and get my period so I drop some water. I don’t want to take my water pill while I’m still finishing up my other medications. I did some exercising and I’m gonna do more later. Also, I’m gonna get more Slim-Fast and eat very little till I drop 10 pounds. It’s funny to say I’m chunky at 105 pounds, but then again I am a very short person, right? It’s not that I weigh too much pound-wise, it’s my shape I guess, I have so much water, too.

I took all my pictures of Gloria down last night. There are only a few in the bedroom. I wanted a change and a break from them so I put them in my file box in my closet. I’ll never throw them out cuz I’ve put so much time and money into them and it’ll be really neat to look back at them someday. Maybe I will put them back up, though, in a matter of months or someday. I still wish I could afford a duplex as I’d make the cellar the music place with the posters, the stereo and keyboards and I wish I had a washer and dryer. By God, I’d love to be able to afford that. I’d have 2 bedrooms, 1½ baths and a dishwasher too, no doubt.

Later…

I’m now watching the premiere of Law & Order. Before this, I saw In the Heat of the Night. Brenda left after Matlock. I put Brenda’s hair in a braid. It looked nice.

I still never got any notification as far as the police exam is concerned. I’m not stupid, though. They’ll never notify me worth shit.

I’m gonna go make some angel hair pasta. It is so good.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1990

Well, I’m going to need to go to sleep as soon as possible so in order to help myself sleep, I’m gonna listen to music for a while.

Tomorrow morning I’ve got to call Philip about fixing my stereo. I can’t put it off any longer.

Also, I see Martha at 4:00. I’m not sure if I mentioned it but I think she just may have a thing for me. It’s just this feeling I get and it’s also certain things she says and certain ways she says things. Oh well. Of course, I’ll keep my mouth shut about it. She is married, after all, and she also swore she never mixes business with pleasure and that’s fine and respected by me.

I want to go to Caldor’s too, to see if Gloria’s new album is out. I’m not sure of the name of it and it’s not new songs. They’re all old hits, but they’re in Spanish.

Later…

I just finished killing a spider, which like most spiders, was on the ceiling. I sprayed it with lots of Lysol and perfume to get it down so I could swat it.

Today I got this awesome and I mean totally awesome speakerphone I ordered last week. Now I need to make 4 payments of $22 but it’s worth it. I love it. I can be doing something like writing or making coffee and still talking to someone. Also, I can play people the edits which they can hear well and hear their reactions, and if it’s an answering machine, I can hear it beep when it ends. Another thing too, is if my call waiting beeps, I’ll hear that too.

This insurance company’s got a hell of a long machine. Brenda and I passed it on the way home from Baystate Waste after I saw Martha and I said to myself, “I bet they have a machine.”

By the way, Martha definitely has no desire for a woman. She’s 100% straight as an arrow.

Andy’s got company now so he’s gonna call me later, and Fran’s not home. I’m bored and I love this phone so I may as well go and have a field day with it and look under insurance companies in the yellow pages. It does seem like a lot of insurance companies have answering machines.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1990

I’m still wide awake and probably will be for a while. I’m just having a grand old time with the new phone. There’s a mute button on it too, and you don’t need to keep holding it down like you do on most other phones. You hit it once and a red light glows which tells you it’s in use, and to discontinue the mute, you hit it again and the red light goes off.

A little while ago I listened to the 45 of the song Take a Chance On Me by ABBA. I bought it today at One Stop Records. I always liked that song and I used to have that record. I don’t know whatever happened to it, along with tons of other records. They either got old or I got sick of them or they were stolen.

Later…

Why, oh, why didn’t I stay the fuck off cigarettes!?! I had 3 cigarettes in 1 week and here I go and smoke a whole pack yesterday and today I’ve had close to a pack. What a jerk, huh? I’m gonna go chuck the rest of my pack, try again till I absolutely can’t fight the urge to smoke, and listen to music.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1990

I’m going nuts just sitting around here, so since I can’t have music, I’ve got to find something. Those dickheads never sent me my notice for the police exam, but I figured as much to begin with. I don’t know who’s responsible, therefore, I don’t know who to call to bitch about it. Oh well, like I said, I figured I’d never be notified just like I knew I’d never get that security job at Mercy with John.

Why is it that anything I’d be good at and want to do I just can’t? It just wasn’t meant to be. If I was smart, a long time ago I’d have chosen a career I hate, never want to have a baby and if I’m ever single again, I’d pick all the ones I don’t want or that are just ok. Actually, they pick me, so I should say.

Later…

I tried calling Philip about the stereo but he’s not at work and not answering his phone at home.

Today, I’m gonna go to Food Mart for cat food, stamps, and paper plates. Also, I want to go to Brightwood Hardware in Longmeadow for pig and mice food.

I’m getting tired as hell but I want to push it as far as I can so I sleep somewhat into the night. With my luck, however, after 3 or 4 hours of sleep, I’ll bolt wide awake and not be able to fall back asleep.

I’m really starting to want to work. I need extra money and this being at home all the time bit is really getting to me. But since I can’t sing or be a cop and am too chicken to drive the cab, what can I do other than McDonald’s or something really boring and stupid?

I’m gonna call apartment rental people for general information about duplexes. I know I can never afford it, but it never hurts to get some information. I’ll go get the yellow pages.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1990

I fell asleep at 5:30 PM after being up 21½ hours and of course, almost an hour ago I woke right up. I was kind of hoping I’d sleep till 5 AM. Anyway, guess what I’m doing today at 9 AM? Taking the police exam. I called Boston after talking to Tony today out here on Locust St. during a car accident. He said the people weren’t hurt too bad and that it had to do with insurance and he was tired of supporting the welfare recipients. So, I mentioned the exam to him and some other cop and they said that maybe the test was canceled due to all the layoffs, and to call Boston and check. When I called, I told the woman I never received my notice and she said that they did have trouble with their mailings and asked me for my social security number. I gave it to her and then she read back my name and address and said it was tomorrow morning at 9 AM. It���s at Converse High on State St. They allow you 3 hours for the test, but you’re free to leave when you’re done. There are 100 questions which means I cannot get more than 30 wrong. She said it’ll be 120 days before they mail me my marks. That’s 4 months, unfortunately, and she says there are around 2000 people taking the test. Lastly, she said to bring a birth certificate, a photo ID, and some number 2 pencils. Brenda took me to Shopper’s Drug where she met Emily and Emily gave me the pencils. Well, I bought them, of course. And a pack of cigarettes like a jerk.

I was going to go to Tammy’s tomorrow but Brenda’s got a visit with her kids she can’t cancel and Bill’s here tomorrow and Monday. Maybe Tuesday. Tammy’s gonna be pissed and I understand that and I’m dying to see Sarah, but this test only comes up once every two years.

Later…

It definitely doesn’t look like I’m going back to sleep so I’ll write for a while. I’ve got a CD playing. Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits. It’s pretty good. I like most of the songs on it. Some are boring.

Tomorrow, after the test, I’ve still got to get pig food and a heavyweight bowl for Tigger. I’m getting pretty sick of him either knocking it over or slamming it up against the side of his cage. I’ve got to get food for Gremlin and Shadow, too. Also stamps and paper plates. And it’s also about time to buy another big bail of sawdust. There’s always something to buy. Such as Gloria’s new record.

I think maybe I’ll go hem some more of those pants Kacey gave me.

Later…

Well, I didn’t hem the pants. One pair didn’t quite fit since I gained weight, but I just took my measurements and I’ve gone down an inch since 3 days ago when I started exercising my ass off and taking Slim-Fast. I did, however, hem an old shirt that was almost to my ankles. I brought it up to mid-thigh length. It came out better than I’d thought but I’ll have Brenda check it out to make sure it’s not crooked. I’m not too thrilled with the way it falls but I’ll ask Brenda.

After I take my shower I’m gonna put another coat of nail polish on and I’m not sure yet what I’ll wear. Something casual. I hope after the test and my errands are done that I can catch a couple of hours of sleep so I can go out to the Halloween party at the Pub tonight. I want to wear my new black lace skirt. Part of me hopes Brenda ends up too tired to go so I can observe others without her observing me observe others. But then again we mutually do look at other women and we’re honest with each other. In the long run, Brenda will never have anything to worry about cuz gay women, of course, are a major turn-off to me in general, and it’s against the rules for me to have someone I’m attracted to. Oh well. At least God allows people to be attracted to me which is nice as long as it’s not major sickos. I mean, everyone gets that here and there, but the good thing is, is that as time goes on I’m having an easier time getting better people even if I don’t quite meet my desired standards.

Ok, time for my second coffee, then my shower.

Later…

Brenda dropped me off at 8:30 this morning, and they made everyone who didn’t get their notice to appear for the test go into a room, and they gave us an “appear” card after checking to see if our names were on the list, and also our photo IDs and birth certificates, in which I’ve got to photocopy and mail to Boston.

They had us print and write our names and they compared them with our signatures on our licenses.

There were several butches there and I got stared down good by guys and butches. This Hispanic girl was sitting next to me. I’m not sure, but I think she was gay with the way she gave me this huge smile and waved at me the second I walked in. I sat next to her and we chatted here and there before the test. She urged me to choose South Hadley for 1 of my 4 choices of cities or towns I wanted to work in. My first choice was Springfield, however, and I had no choice cuz you had to pick, for first choice, the place you lived in for the last 12 months. My second choice was East Longmeadow. I would’ve chosen Longmeadow, but it wasn’t listed. My third choice was West Springfield. My fourth choice was Chicopee.

Another thing was that there were two classroom monitors. One man, one woman. The woman constantly stared at me. I caught her once and her face turned bright red. Then after the test, as I was leaving, I could see her grinning to herself with the same red face.

We didn’t start the test till 9:30 and I finished at almost 12:30. I’m not sure whether I passed or failed. There were some tricky questions that I had to go over and over. I’ll know sometime in February. I am anxious though and never have wanted to speed up time so badly in my life. I usually don’t care about time or wish I could stop it and drop dead.

The landlord will be here any minute to fix the heat. Today and all last night I froze my ass off.

I told Tammy I’d be down next weekend and she said she wasn’t mad and that she understood and to think positive about the test.

After the landlord leaves, I hope I can catch a few hours of sleep so I can go out tonight.

I called Philip and told him about the test and he’s happy about it and he asked me to keep him posted. He also told me to call him tomorrow. I called John too, and he was both pleased and proud. Then lastly, I spoke with Andy.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1990

I wish I was just waking up, but instead, I am wide awake. I slept till 6pm. I’ve been so zonked out cuz I’ve had to be up at a certain time for a certain reason and wasn’t getting enough hours of sleep.

I have many errands to do such as buying pig and cat food. I also need a bail of sawdust, stamps, and to make a photocopy of my birth certificate.

The mouse, who’s getting bigger, is now riding his wheel, and boy is Shadow ever getting big fast.

Andy came over earlier and we made some phone calls to people who had ads in the Advocate to sell things.

Andy’s really upset. He’s having trouble with Miles. Needs to find a job. Needs to pay bills. Got in a car accident which he’s going to have to pay almost $1,000 to fix. It’s not fair that some drunken girl, who did get arrested, slammed into a parked car, then Andy slammed into her, yet Andy’s at fault. He was wearing his seatbelt and the scary thing is, is that if I was in the car, I probably wouldn’t have had my seatbelt on and I’d have gone through the windshield. Who knows how many stitches I’d have to have gotten in my face. There are so many fucked up drivers it’s amazing. And very, very scary, too.

I’m so pissed at myself cuz I just remembered I was supposed to have called Philip 3 days ago, and John, and see Paula.

Later…

I’m writing here on the waterbed and I put the mouse on the floor inside his plastic ball, and Shadow’s having a hell of a time watching him and wishing so desperately to play with him. Or eat him. It’s quite a funny sight to see when he’s in his ball running around with Shadow chasing him. It also was so cute when Shadow was sitting in Toffee’s cage. He doesn’t want to harm the other animals, but he may accidentally cuz his playing may be too rough for them cuz he claws and bites.

Those drawings I did really blew my mind. I never could draw a line on a piece of paper before and I feel good yet weird. It’s like - what’s next? I discover one thing after another I can do. If not perfectly, then better than most.

Here comes Shadow once again to enjoy Gremlin after taking a dump in his shit box.

Me and Andy may possibly go to an audition together early this evening so I hope I get some sleep before then. Right now I’m gonna go listen to music. I haven’t listened at all today. After that, hopefully, I’ll get some sleep, get up early in the afternoon and get my errands done, call John and Philip and maybe even see Paula.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1990

I deliberately slept till 8:30 this evening as Andy and I couldn’t have auditioned cuz Andy’s without a car till it’s fixed. Brenda’s also without a car, but tomorrow morning at 7:00, she and Kevin are going to look at a car this guy’s selling for $600. Or, I should say instead, they’re going to pick it up. They’ve already seen the car. So anyway, I made myself sleep long and late to reverse my schedule for a week or so. Then it’ll go back to nights till I want to or need to reverse it again.

I’ll tape Unsolved Mysteries, but I’ll have to miss Hunter. I’m also gonna cancel Martha.

Early in the morning, Brenda’s gonna call me so I can get stamps to mail my mail which is all set and ready to go. Also, she’s going to take me to Food Mart, then when she brings me home I’m gonna do laundry.

Tonight I finished putting up my pictures in a different way and it looks really nice. I also changed the cat box and swept the kitchen floor. After I finish my tea, I’ll listen to some music and do some drawing.

Later…

John isn’t working today. Meanwhile, I tried to get a hold of Dr. Statz, but she’s on vacation I guess for a couple of weeks. I don’t know if I wrote about her but one of the 3 times I was in the ER, she treated me. I’m 100% sure the male nurse, working with her was gay and I’m about 85% sure she was gay. I was just totally touched by her and it was weird cuz she wasn’t overly attractive. There was just something about her, you know, like Linda’s song goes; It’s not that you’re attractive, but oh my heart grew active when you came into view. And I had a crush on her. Sweetie pie.

And ever since then, I haven’t forgotten about her. I can hear God too, saying, “Uh-uh, against the rules.” I think he wants me with someone less attractive so I can learn to look at only people’s personalities. But I’d never be with Brenda if she were a bad person. Maybe another reason God has is that if I get dumped, I won’t be as hurt as much as I would be if I were overwhelmed. I still long for that someone with the character and personality I most desire and to feel that special once-in-a-lifetime sexual spark.

Please, God, please! Answer my prayers. Do it someday very soon. Please. God, what if I made a deal with you right here in this book? And that deal is if I promise to try my hardest to quit smoking, then will you think about it? Also, a beginning break with my singing, then I’ll pursue it from there. I hope you put some big and serious consideration into my requests. If singing and having that special someone and a baby are 3 too many things to ask for, then I’ll understand. I’ll settle for the singing and the special person only and give up the baby without ever asking for anything else.

Later…

Around 9:00 this morning Kevin and Brenda came and got me and dropped me off at Food Mart. Then, I waited a good long exhausting wait while Brenda brought Kevin to Palmer, then back to pick me up. After she picked me up she brought me to Shopper’s where I got a photocopy made of my birth certificate and stamps for my mail which I mailed in the box right outside the store.

While waiting for Brenda at Food Mart I saw Allison. We spoke briefly and she said she’d give me a call soon.

So all my errands are done except for Friday when I get the pigs more food and their big bail of sawdust. I still need to call Philip and John and tomorrow I’m definitely, no matter what, going to go see Paula. Jessie’s probably gonna call today. She’s another one I need to see, and she and Brenda can meet each other.

I finally got back here at 10:30 this morning and I fell asleep till 3:30. I’m exhausted but I’m gonna stay this way so that at 11:00 tonight, after Hunter, I can go to sleep. I better not wake up either, like around 3:00 in the morning and not be able to go back to sleep till 6:00 or 7:00, then sleep till mid-late afternoon. I want to be up in the mornings from tomorrow until next Tuesday. That means the next 5 mornings.

Later…

When I got up I made a pork chop and some angel hair pasta and got a call from my sister. Tammy said Ma said to her, “I don’t want Jodi alone for her b-day, Chanukah or Thanksgiving.”

Tammy also said Ma said to drive in and get me in the morning and bring me back the next day. Tammy said she then tried to explain to Mom that it’s impossible with 3 kids, the business, and with Bill working till 6:30 at night. Then Tammy said Ma pulled her typical line of, “Good-bye, Tammy.”

I guess Ma fails to remember that I’m not alone. I’m not single anymore and my girlfriend is fully willing to drive me down this Saturday and for Thanksgiving and also for my birthday and Chanukah which Tammy says she’ll combine into one big party. I mean, Tammy’s right. She can’t up and go drive for that amount of time and it’s pretty strange why Ma’s so concerned about me not being alone for all these things.

I’ve spent them alone before but then again when your own God damn aunt and uncle invite you over for Thanksgiving like they did last year, then conveniently forget to call you and pick you up, that’s not my fault, is it?

Another thing Tammy mentioned is that Ma bragged about all this time she was gonna spend with Tammy, Bill and the kids which turned out to be a joke. Tammy said she wanted to spend the day with me. HA. It was a wonderful hour we had.

All I can say is, I’ve had it with this family shit and I don’t wanna know from nothing. I haven’t had to deal with it for 5 years and I’m not about to deal with it now. Also, I’m not going to Florida either. A week’s vacation isn’t worth a week of her bullshit along with it. I mean, that’s not how my vacation packages or anyone else’s should be. Really, if it were an ad it’d read like this: We’ll give you a week’s free vacation with all expenses paid, but the catch is that you must put up with Dureen O’s bullshit.

Another case of taking the bad with the good. Fuck that!

[schizo-toddhoward]

It’s 1:37 am. I got school but I’m currently on the verge of tears cause I think my girlfriend has lost interest in me.

I understand I’m a bit kooky and not in a good way but she’s genuinely the most happiest I’ve ever been in a relationship. She doesn’t force me do things for her, she doesn’t yell and scream when I mess something up, I feel safe when talking about my interests and my issues with her but for the past 2 weeks she’s barely talked to me.

I send her silly things like pictures of my cat or memes, but I often get no response for days. I don’t need a relationship to aid me in life, but she’s the only girl who’s reciprocated my feelings back.

When I came out to her about my gender fluidity she accepted me, she called me by my preferred pronouns and my new name. If she leaves I’ll miss her

[copingmechanism1899]

Sept 29, 2025

yiKes. I’ve been spending too much time around- around… I’m not sure who but sometimes without thinking, it’s just.. possible pickup lines running straight from my brain to my mouth.

Tell me why my RA came in for Touchpoints, and as she was leaving, told me Health and Safeties are coming up, I ask if the regulations have changed, and we joke about how you can’t have air fryers, anything fun, and she said “or anything that brings you joy”. And without thinking… I said “so I guess you’ll have to get out of here then.”

brUh. She laughed and said it was cute, and we went lurking separate ways… but damn. This is the first time I’me met her face to face. agh.

Anyways, debating if I should get food. Not really hungry and it’s already 8:47p. But like, if I get pizza now, I have it for breakfast tomorrow.

But I don’t know if I’m gonna want breakfast. Because once again, it’s a painting day. Technically 10-3, but I’ve gotta get there early to set up (there are 2 practicum coming) and it always takes time to get into the shop.

It’s so frustrating because our Production Manager (and asst. prod man) made sure to send an email to security (on Friday) that I would be in on the weekend, and that they need to unlock the scene shop and the film studio.

But I get there, and the security guard says that they have no note saying they can let me in, and that they need permission to do so. I show them the text that says an email was sent, and the APM sends another email (she’s on a train at this time). But I’m told that it needs to be a phone call.

So, 20 minutes after I wanted to start, I’m finally allowed up. And this is ridiculous because the same thing happened last week. Nothing is ever simple, and as I was leaving I was told to tell the PM/APM to call tomorrow before I come. So , they’re not going to get their email shit together then.

Whatever. Painting today was uneventful, the 2 practicum were quiet, and it was a little awkward for A (a friend who was on shift) and me.

B (who’s costume for this prod) stopped by, and we got a late lunch before I got back to painting after the others left.

I feel so… drained and on the verge of tears in tears. For so long, every part of this process felt so slow, but now shooting is in less than a week and nothing is how I want it to be.

We can’t be in the space because there are classes in the space during the day, and I’m busy during the week so tomorrow is really my last full day.

Which is messed up because we’re supposed to go out to get more set dressing on Tuesday. Technically it was supposed to be last Tuesday, but the elevator broke down so we got moved.

I don’t know the state of our floor “tiles”, and our double sided tape is both the stickiest thing and not holding up our pieces. So, not great.

I’m so nervous that something is going to go wrong, or it’s not going to be good enough. And it needs to go well. I have to make this look good or I think I’m quitting design altogether.

Big Fish was a disaster, the last film I was on looked like shit, and next semester is my last semester.

Do I want to do another school production? No.

Do I want to do Oklahoma (the rumored musical? No.

Do I want to complete with S (the only other scenic focus in my year) and win so that I’m doing the “biggest” show of the semester? Yes.

And there’s no guarantee that she’ll even apply. Maybe she’ll get an outside job and brag that she doesn’t need to do a school production. Maybe she’ll get it and I won’t. There are too many unknowns. But every production I’ve done here has made me feel awful, and I’m not proud of any of it.

I even joke that this director is the best one I’ve ever had because she hasn’t (directly) made me cry. And that’s a really low bar.

But whatever. The production is still making me miserable. And I have all day tomorrow to hide it. Practicum 11-3, key GG 2-6, and I guess I’m going to be 9:30-6:30 because we have to move everything out of the way for key GG, but then move it back later so it’s not in the way of the classes that happen during the week.

I ordered food. It’ll go in the fridge.

[episbep]

eight days sober

I didn’t post yesterday cos I spent the day at a theme park, got home super late and was exhausted so went to bed p much straight away - had a great, fun & sober day with friends tho (ex called back in the morning and briefly spoke to him but was literally just less than five minutes checking in, he didn’t come over or get in touch on sunday bcos he was playing fifa, honestly why am I so into him?)

I’ve been slacking on meetings recently (after planning to go to 2 a day🥴) but finally went to my favourite one tonight which was good and motivating but my friend that I’ve made through meetings wasn’t there for the third week in a row and I’m so worried about her. No one has heard from her. Genuinely really hope she is okay…I’m terrified that she’s relapsed and died, I know that’s dramatic but it is a real possibility…

I also had acupuncture to help with cravings and calm me down, heal my body and all that good shit, loved it as always and can’t wait for the next session early next week. Also signed up to a couple of relationship groups that start in a couple of weeks that I’m also looking forward to☺️👌

also forgot to take my meds last night and have been on the verge of tears over such teeny things and getting brain zaps again this evening, love that for me. did do some pen colouring in though so that was nice. and it’s been sunny today and yesterday and I’ve got a good little tan going. oh and I didn’t have enough money at the shop today and the lady behind me in the queue got the thing that I put back while paying and gave it to me as I was leaving the car park - sometimes people can be kind and the world is full of love 🥰 like she didn’t have to do that but thank you kind stranger for that random act of kindness

love u xo

[incriminatingimages]

i’ve been dreaming of my mother lately . someone she used to be , i miss her a lot . i don’t know where that woman went but she’s not in my mothers body anymore . it makes it hard to miss her because that’s her body but that person is gone . there is no warm love where there used to be . it’s the same legs that used to go on long walks with my brother and i , the same arms that carried me inside when i fell asleep in the car , the same hair i learned to braid on . in some years , it will be a new body , all the cells renewed , and maybe i will feel better , since all of the mother i knew will be gone .

i got too high the other night , and froze in fear at the thought of living an unremarkable life . i sat , staring at someone else’s freezer , on the verge of tears , praying that this was not all my life was going to be . always dramatic . always on the verge of tears . always scared of dying without having done something worth talking about .

my legs hurt . more than they ever have . i went to a club and i jumped and i danced and i moved my young body around for all of 3 hours . and now , almost 2 weeks later , i can barely make it up my stairs and i feel like i have to curl into myself from the pain of walking . this is the pain that replaced my grandmothers knees , but she was in her 50s . how has it caught me so young ? will it subside with time ?

many passing thoughts lately . my dad got sick and didn’t tell me , according to my brother he was dying . i became stuck in my own monotony again . i keep getting unshakeable nostalgic feelings that hurt so badly i just start each day by trying to smoke the feeling away (it’s not working, today im living in stayton again, picking blueberries in the front yard and tie dyeing clothes with my grandma , who is just visiting. i stare for hours at my bedpost , it has stars on it , i hope that if i stare at it for long enough something will happen, it never does).

[galariangengar]

💭

Good news: my mom did buy us tickets to see Melanie Martinez in May 🥹💜 I’m just so happy that I’m finally gonna see Melanie in concert and she’s singing from all 3 albums

Bad news: I’ve been on the verge of tears all day so far and can not stop stressing and worrying about money. I have so many things I need to do asap. I have to work on and submit 2 graduate applications cuz their deadlines are on Dec 1 (my birthday of course) and letters of rec need to be received by then too. I still need a job. I’m gonna apply to Macy’s and see if my dad can help me out and look at Indeed. Still have work for my pharmacology class and study this week’s set of flash cards. Also I’ve only eaten like a quarter of an apple today so far…

[winderlylandchime]

1/2 To answer any questions, he stayed outside for 40 minutes. 6 cigarettes and a NAP in the middle of the grass. I had to check up on him twice bc my cousins forced me to check if he’s still alive. Then his alarm clock went off, he got up, came inside, took his pills and then sat down and went to 2x17. Not a single word said. I fear we are slowly witnessing his breakdown.

‘THEY’RE GOING ON A TRIP FOR A WHOLE WEEK! Hallelujah! I was so fucking worried before. Oh thank you fucking hell!’ He visibly relaxed and is now smiling. ‘They’ve been together only for 7 years and yet they act like they wrote the fucking book on couples counseling! Oh are they gonna have a threesome?..oh sweetheart, Melly doesn’t do spontaneous, she does judgey’ ‘oh shit, so Brian’s company is being taken over but he’s still making time for the trip? where are mel and linds now with their bullshit? SEE! I told you my boy cares!’ He just went on his phone and checked his bank account just in case if someone accidentally gave him money too. The second time he looked at it, his bank automatically payed a bill that just came through and he almost had a heart attack. ‘This little baldy is going to ruin my plans for the episode, isn’t he?! MAN FUCK ALL OF THIS SHIT. What does he carry in that briefcase? I want one, i could put my pills in it and maybe like a sandwich or something. BALD MAN IS GONNA FUCK UP MY TRIP TO VERMONT!…*pauses tv* now tell me baldy, why is the fuck is it any of your business where he puts his dick? THATS RIGHT BRIAN TELL HIM! THATS MY BOY!’ ‘PICKLE GUY TOOK CARE OF EMY!! He made sure his baby boy was taken care of! Pickle guy, i miss you so much’ he is once again stressed because of the trip. I had to yell at him because he almost lit up a cigarette inside. ‘I like his assistant! Look at them working together and kicking ass. She knows about his extracurricular activities. I like her. Seems like he gets along with blondes’ he is currently once again on the verge of tears because of George’s tape. He just broke down in actual tears and paused the episode ‘he said he’s off on his adventure, oh Pickle Guy, i hope you have a blast on your adventure. You deserve a really fun one, full of opera and naked dudes and clubs and pickles!’ When George blew a kiss to Emmett this dumbass blew one back. ‘Oh shit there goes the trip doesn’t it? Wait no, Justin knows that Brian has a big boy job, he’s not an idiot. He knows. And he will understand so either he’ll go with him OR they’ll go a few days later. But my boy is understanding!’ He has been completely quiet since that scene up until now when the scene where Brian leaves for Chicago comes up ‘….or not….(brian says the ‘thats exactly who you’re fucking’ line) ohhh that was a nice one. I like being reminded about how badass he is at his job. *pauses tv* justin, my boy. Trust me, i get it, I’ve been rooting for you to go on a trip since like last week but he just told you if he doesn’t go, he loses his job AND you know his company is being sold. MY BOY, cmon, be understanding with me here, i thought i thought you better than this. I get it I’m like 10 years older *starts counting on his fingers* oh god…okay maybe older but my boy, my blondie, youre smart. Stop being dramatic, or be dramatic for 5 minutes but don’t fuck things up for ME, okay? Thank you, now proceed’ *starts the ep again* ‘look Mikey and Justin are friends!! I like this *pauses the tv* MY BOY HE IS NOT DEFENDING HIM, HE IS JUST STATING THE FACTS, wait hold up, i cant raise my voice at kids *takes a deep breath and looks at paused Justin* my sweet sweet oh so sweet summer child, sometimes career unfortunately takes the lead. It fucking sucks but sometimes you have to cancel on shit in order to afford food. Life sucks, especially in America, god bless it whatever. I cannot believe I am agreeing with Mike *looks at Justin in horror* look what you made me do! What else does he want?! JUSTIN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD HE JUST TOLD YOU A SCENE AGO THAT HE COULD BE FIRED. What do you think unemployment is? Do you want me to rewind the episode so you can hear it again? Exactly MICHAEL! Oh for fucks sake Justin, you fit in exactly where you are BUT HIS CAREER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU BUT ALSO EVERYTHING LIKE BABY BOY YOU CANT POSSIBLY BE THIS FUCKING STUPID?! I cannot believe what I am witnessing. This is outrageous. Me me me me, the dude is about to lose his job!’

Oh dear... your brother is falling apart here. He's now on like a death march through the rest of this season.

He blew a kiss back to George? I love this man.

And yeah Justin is a brat about the VT trip. He really is. And also your brother is closer to 20 years older than Justin... sorry Brother.