#i’m trying so hard to curate my experience

[onward--upward]

me: oh i know this is going to annoy me

also me: reads it anyways

[ingydar-phan]

Ok I do want to chime in on the convo but actually this is gonna be really long because I’ve been planning to make a huge post about this since the tour trailer came out. Like genuinely I messaged some people asking for tips on how to make a big conversation post weeks ago and then just never did it. So here goes I guess.

I am a firm believer they are going to hard launch soon. In some way shape or form. Before tour starts. That is a stance I have held ever since I watched pizza mukbang 2. And I have explanations.

My main points come from the coming out parallel surrounding Dans internalized homophobia and trauma responses and fear of rejection (more on that later), and also my hypothesized “3 stages” of the gaming channel revival.

I believe that when the gaming channel was revived, starting with the Heartthrob video, they entered stage 1: experimenting with audiences desire for a return to content. This was a phase they themselves discussed in Dans Birthday Stream and in Pizza Mukbang 2. The first few months were experimenting with what a new audience would look like and how much they were wanted, in what contexts, and what kind of content. I also think this wraps into the dynamic difference between Dan and Phil as people. Note, I love them both dearly and want nothing but the best for them both. It has been made clear that they did very different things during the hiatus, with Phil initiating the gaming channel comeback. Before Dan came out, he was under an immense feeling of guilt and pressure, even by his own mind. He had the option of leaving the internet forever, and he certainly considered it. Finish off the gaming channel, go on one last tour, and leave. Never having to adress anything again. But he didn’t do that. He came back. He came out. And he was greeted with the kindest, warmest, most accepting response. And he did work! He wrote a book! He went on a solo tour! And to echo both Dan himself and all of the community, he needed this. He needed this time of healing and this era of self discovery. He wouldn’t be who he is today without it, and I’m so proud of him.

But Phil? Oh Phil was just cruising along. That’s not at all to discredit any form of hardship Phil went through, but it certainly wasn’t the same. Phil was making content before Dan was, back in 2006. In uni, Phil was comfortable in his sexuality (or some form of queerness). But he waited. He waited to come out until Dan was ready. Because he’s a wonderful partner. He was happy continuing Amazingphil regardless of hiatus, of Dans needs, because he knew he didn’t have to pressure Dan into anything he didn’t want or wasn’t ready for. And then, presumably when Dan was ready, Phil proposed a gaming channel comeback. Just try it out, just see how it feels, low commitment. And what happened? Once again, they were showered with love and adoration and support and acceptance. Was the fandom different than how it used to be? Absolutely. But it was beautiful and loving. So that’s stage 1. Experimenting with content and viewership and re-entering the branding of Dan and Phil (Games).

Then, I believe after stage 1 came stage 2. Experimenting with audience reaction to Dan and Phil as a couple. I want to stake my claim here that everything they do is meticulously curated. Sure, Phil’s toe popping out of his sock wasn’t purposeful, but it was certainly handled intentionally. They’re extremely seasoned creators, and everything they do is for a reason. (That’s why I love rpf hehe). This, my “stage 2”, is when they were dipping their toes more into phan stuff. The orange heart. The “gay” community tab. Using the “ph-“ prefix THEMSELVES a lot more. Dab and Evan comparisons. This was the middle ground. How would people react? Would they turn away because it’s too much? Would they begin stalking and creeping all over again? Or would they accept these people for what they are. As much as people like to think Dan and Phil are just silly whimsical guys who are perfect no matter what they do (which is accurate as well tbf), they also know what they’re doing. They do these things on purpose to gauge audience reaction, to see how people feel about it. As others have said, what we see publicly is just a tiny sliver of their real life. Yea, even the domestic videos. It’s curated. And it’s wonderful. It’s so endearing they choose to share these things. Even in times of uncertainty. But that uncertainty was met with absolute acceptance.

Which is how we get into stage 3. I think “stage 3” started developing around the time of Dans Birthday Stream, but really actually started when the tour trailer was posted, and then all the videos after that (pizza mukbang, dressing each other, chained together, tiktoks, etc etc). So, very recently. But something shifted. Maybe it’s in the air, maybe it’s just me, maybe we all need to go outside. But something shifted. Dan and Phil, but especially Dan, saw how they were being accepted and took that as an affirmation. An affirmation that everything is going to be okay. They can commit now. They can go full on. Full hard launch.

I think everyone has a different definition of hard launch, and even I think it varies by context. But what I mean here is not necessarily them making some video called “Dan and Phil are romantically together” and staring at the camera with a gun to their head. It doesn’t, and shouldn’t, have to be that.

Straight people get this privilege of being assumed straight without having to “come out”. They get this comfort of having relationships without having to scream it in everyone’s faces.

And I do indeed agree with what people mean when they say they have already hard launched. They’re husbands, soulmates, 4000 year old tortoises, “basically any other gay couple”, more than just romantic, yea. I get it. But people are fucking stupid. Non-queer people don’t understand nuance, and need everything handed to them on a silver platter. Dan and Phil are together. People who try to twist and turn to try and “prove” they’re anything but a committed romantic and sexual relationship are ignorant at best, but mainly using homophobic wishful thinking. However, there’s more to go. There’s a reason we’re all “terrified” for what is to come. Because everything, the past 15 years of all of our lives, of their life, is coming together. It’s genuinely beautiful.

So what do I mean by hard launch then? Well, I mean a lack of censorship (besides what’s reasonable. Though we’d all love to see them fuck on YouTube, I’m not sure that’s happening any time soon). I mean a lack of shame. A lack of hiding. And it’s already begun. That’s what I feel stage 3 to be and have been. In pizza mukbang 2, they say things such as “cheers dear”, which is intentional. The “gay uncles” and the “kneeing” is all intentional. It’s not just throwaway jokes, it’s them looking us in the eyes and saying “we see you”. I have a whole list of stage 3 things. The intentional Incohearant cards. The “my face hurts from smiling” comments. THE HANDS ON THE SHOULDER TO THE HAND ON THE KNEE. Them being so open about their secluded romantic holiday. The relentless Phil bottom jokes. The yaoi day tweet from the outfits video. The “who would jump for you like that dog jumped for that man” “you”. It’s all there. It’s all intentional. And I’m so grateful for it.

One of my mutuals who I talked about this with (not gonna name cuz idk if they want me to) talked about their theory that DNP have given barely any info about tour because it requires some form of hard launch to preface it. And honestly? I didn’t even realize that was a theory. I sort of already accepted that as fact. How open IS the door gonna be?

So yea, I hope this makes sense. Please feel free to respond with or send asks of any nuances or questions or theories you’d like to add. I don’t intend this to be shaming anyone who thinks differently. Even if I may vehemently disagree with someone in my head, I don’t think these people are evil or malicious or objectively bad or deserving of hate. These are just my thoughts. I’ll likely be adding more. Thanks for reading.

[g-n-c-quoi]

went to a Big Gay Party last night called sapphic factory and it was the first time i’ve ever been at an event specifically curated for lesbians (and other queers but it was mostly dykes) and here are some things that made me happy about that experience

- a femme dancing for her butch and the butch visibly being unable to handle it. like trying SO hard to maintain composure

- HOT TO GO! coming on and the entire dance floor doing the dance

- taking a picture of the crowd and accidentally getting this really cute couple in the foreground and coming up to them with a little note explaining in my notes app and airdropping them the photo

- a butch taking off their shirt and grabbing their chest to coconuts by kim petras

- same butch as above walking around a fire after going too close to it and saying “I’M NOT THAT BUTCH FUCK YOU”

- SAME BUTCH absolutely BOOKING IT from the patio to the dance floor when red wine supernova came on

- a handful of twinks just absolutely vibing throughout the entire night

- a couple that very obviously had some kind of d/s dynamic going on and the dom told the sub to go on ahead to the dance floor while he got them drinks

- the dj having a projection on the wall behind them of a supercut of a bunch of scenes from lesbian movies and music videos by queer women

- a woman dancing by herself when i got there who was the reason i gained the confidence to go out there and dance myself after standing on the wall with my water cup in hand for twenty minutes

- the crude bathroom graffiti of ass cheeks on the inside of a stall door

- a butch having the suicide hotline on the back of their battle jacket

- multiple couples dancing with just each other not giving a singular damn shit or fuck about anyone else

can’t wait to do it all again next year !!

[kings-highway]

Fighting off severely suffocating boredom at work so here are some haikyuu headcanons and shit for some of my favourite characters and ships with no particular theme

Asahi and Daichi do a lot of very casual bets or gambling with each other, and Daichi almost always wins. And if he doesn’t win, he’s nonchalant enough about it or is able to spin it so that Asahi doesn’t even really process it as a genuine win. Asahi is constantly looking for a chance to “beat” him but the harder he tries the more it seems Daichi keeps winning. 

I think, and I’m not afraid to say it, I think Tanaka can sing. Even if he has no interest in it and doesn’t even know this himself. 

A list of characters I think can sing beyond well, like, just, stupidly well: Tsukki, Ushijima, Oikawa, Semi (obviously), Fukunaga, Asahi, Kita

A list of characters I think can’t sing quite as well but have a lot more fun: Suga, Daichi, Kuroo, Yamaguchi, Matsukawa, Tendou, Atsumu, 

A list of characters I think can’t sing at all, and have the most fun: Bokuto, Futakuchi, Noya, Hanamaki, Hinata, Tora

Tendou cannot swim. I actually hold this one right up there beside Ushijima having a bee allergy in that you’re safe to assume it’s true in all my fics unless proven otherwise. Tendou can’t swim, Ushijima can be killed by bees. Perfect. 

Iwaizumi has an anger response to his own jealousy because he hates that he’s a jealous person. He spends so much time trying to verbally tell people like “no jealousy is bad, trust in a relationship is important and being possessive isn’t a good thing,” and then he’ll turn around and see a guy just like, handing Oikawa something he dropped and will immediately cycle through: “oh, he needs to take ten steps back right the fuck now before I kill him - goDDAMNIT HAJIME THAT’S NOT NORMAL-”

On the topic of jealousy for some of my favourite ships… 

A list of characters I think do experience a heightened degree of jealousy: Iwaizumi, Tendou, Noya (specifically when he’s not in a relationship and doesn’t know if the other person Asahi likes him), Aone (but he just gets sad about it and doesn’t do anything), Tora

A list of characters I think experience a totally normal amount of jealousy: Suga, Oikawa, Bokuto + Akaashi both, though Akaashi hides it better, Kenma (but mostly for the best-friendship stuff with Kuroo he’s not worried about him as a boyfriend. He can get another boyfriend. He’s not sure if he can find another person who knows every food order he has and doesn’t make him talk to waiters)

A list of character who really think their boyfriends should experience more jealousy and be a little more concerned about the fact that they could, like, totally be getting hit on right now: Suga, Tendou

A list of characters who really don’t understand why they’re getting yelled at for trusting their partners and feeling safe in a relationship they’ve worked hard to curate healthy communication in: Daichi, Ushijima

Suga’s first kiss was with Daichi but about a year before that he had lied to look cool and said he’d kissed one of the basketball girls and it’s been fifteen years of a relationship now and Suga hasn’t had the guts to start unraveling this very minor detail and just continues to tell the story of this fake first kiss even to groups of people who weren’t involved in the initial lie and don’t know Daichi. 

Iwaizumi regularly donates blood, and he got the other Seijoh 3rd years doing it, and then it spread and it’s like a weird group activity but when they convinced Kindaichi and Kunimi to come along for the first time Kindaichi discovered he has a phobia of needles and then Kunimi fainted after his blood was drawn and he tried to stand up. 

Tendou once tried to give himself scurvy just for the challenge of trying to avoid vitamin C. He only failed because he got bored and stopped caring. 

Oikawa kept a journal all throughout middle and high school, and to be little shits, Matsukawa and Hanamaki stole it to find either blackmail material or just something to make fun of him for, but what they actually found was a really genuine journal filled with a lot of really normal but affectionate thoughts like “Wow the team is so good, here’s all the reasons why, I really think these guys can take us to nationals, I hope my own ego doesn’t stop us from winning” and a series of long, thoughtful insights about his day and his friends and his future plans and goals and there were technically things in there they could gossip about (like confirmation on a few pages regarding his crush and/or relationship status with Iwaizumi) but overall they just felt really bad about it so they never told anyone they’d opened it. 

I know everyone really loves filipino Iwa, but hear me out: Indian Iwa. i have more thoughts on this. maybe for another post.

Atsumu once spiked a serve into Kita’s face so hard his nose started bleeding and he had to sit out the rest of practice because he couldn’t get it to stop. Kita kept insisting it was fine but the bruise on his face the next day made Atsumu want to resign from the school entirely. 

Daichi is the only Karasuno third year to hold a job before graduation.

Kita has a really low pain tolerance but a really high level of “mind-of-matter” ability. 

Daichi has a really high pain tolerance.

Tsukishima also has a really high pain tolerance. 

Tendou has a very low pain tolerance but he’s a masochist so it’s okay.

Oikawa has a higher pain tolerance than Iwaizumi, and this is set directly below “height” on the “things I hate about Oikawa” list Iwa keeps

Michimiya probably would chat with the boys more but she keeps coming to their gym and seeing things like Noya throwing Asahi around, Kageyama throwing Hinata around, Daichi screaming he’s going to ban them all from the club, Tanaka is never wearing a shirt, and Yachi is always near tears and every single time she just decides to not bother.

Anyway idk i guess that’s all. Part two? Idk you tell me. 

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

just a girl 1

Warnings: this fic will include elements, some dark, such as possible cheating, low self-esteem, noncon/dubcon, and other untagged triggers. Please take this into account before proceeding. It is up to curate your online consumption safely.

Summary: you move in with your sister when your luck turns for the worst.

Characters: Walter Marshall, possible Andy Barber

Author’s Note: Please feel free to leave some feedback, reblog, and jump into my asks. I’m always happy to discuss with you and riff on idea. As always, you are cherished and adored! Stay safe, be kind, and treat yourself💜

It isn't your proudest moment. You don't have many of those. There is little remarkable about, nothing of note, nothing admirable. You might stand a bit taller than most but it's rarely given as a good thing. 

You never expected much of life. You resigned yourself to living in the shadows. In particular, you knew you would always bet outshone by your sister's light. You can't hate her for it; it's your own shortcoming. Besides, no one can hate Riannon, she's just that nice. 

You are dark smear on the family name. It's why you didn't even think to ask your parents for help. You didn't even ask your sister, she offered, insisted really. You could never deny her and in this instant, you couldn't afford any other option. 

It’s just for a while, you keep telling yourself. You’ll find a new job and a place soon. For now, you’ll just stay out of the way. It isn’t very hard; you take up much more room than your few possessions. 

You keep yourself holed in the guestroom as you settle into your second day. You have your laptop on your thighs as you scroll the job boards. You have the experience but you expect your reference would be any good. You didn’t exactly end on cordial terms. Starting from square one, though the industry isn’t exactly even ground for men and women alike. 

You hunker down to search through the various postings within your purview. Every classification is ticked off, even the years, it’s just that little note about contacting your previous employers that makes you nervous. Well, you at least have to try. 

A knock comes at the door as you edit your cover letter once again. You sit up and close the computer. You slide it aside and get up. You cross the room and crack the door open. You sister smiles from the other side. 

“Am I making too much noise?” You ask as your music plays music from its tiny speaker. 

“No, no, not at all. Um, so you know Andy is out of town for the day so it’s just us,” she rocks, “and there’s a barbecue down the street so... I thought you could get to know the neighbourhood.” 

You look down at her, the offer catching you off guard. You were prepared to spend the whole day hidden away and poring over job listings. Even when you had your own place, you tended to spend most of your own time inside. 

Still, she is doing you a huge favour and it would be rude to say no. You shrug, “okay.” 

“Great, I have some potato salad I'm bringing,” she chirps.  

“Uh,” you look at her blue checkered capris and pristine white blouse, “should I change?” 

“It’s up to you. I'm just going to get packed up. I’ll meet you in the kitchen.” 

Her excitement is palpable. She probably expected you to say no. You don’t want to let her down again. You’re tired of that feeling. 

You close the door as she bounces away and you retreat to search through your still unpacked suitcase. Your clothes hang over the sides. You pick out a band shirt and a pair of dark grey jeans. You don’t have any shorts and you know your repertoire of dark colours only draws in the sun’s fury, and like of the vaunted HOA, but you don’t have many options. 

You emerge with a pair of converse in hand and head into the kitchen. Rhiannon snaps the lid onto a big bowl as she beams up at you. You don’t understand how you share the same blood, she’s so different than you. Where you’re tall and gangly, she’s small and dainty; where your dour and reticent, she’s bright and bubbly. Your parents even kidded that you must’ve been switched at the hospital. 

“Ready?” She asks. 

You nod and look down at yourself. 

“If you want to borrow a skirt or something, it’s pretty hot out.” 

“It’s fine.” 

You don’t take her offer as any comment on your choice, only genuine concern. If it was your mom, you would know it was more than that. To be fair, your mother is very direct with her critiques. Besides, even if her clothes would fit you, you don’t want to risk ruining any of her things. 

“Alrighty, well, Marge will kill me if I’m late again,” she sings and sweeps around with the bowl. “It’ll be nice to get out, huh?” 

“Mhmm,” you grumble and follow her down the hall to the front door. 

She steps into her wedged sandals as you sit to pull on your converse and lace them up. You stand and get the door for her as she prances towards it. She thanks you and you trail her out. The sun hits you like fire. It’s so hot, though you think some of the heat comes from your own self-consciousness. 

As you catch up to your sister at the bottom of the steps, you slow down to keep from outpacing her shorter legs. Even with her platformed soles, she’s still ahead shorter than you. You turn down the sidewalk as you shy away from the strange faces headed in the same direction. 

“You want me to carry that?” You offer. 

“Hey, I might be small but I can handle a salad,” she chirps. 

“I know, I wasn’t--” 

“I’m teasing. It’s fine, I got it,” she assures you as she hugs the bowl to her stomach, “I just want you to have a good day. Don’t think about everything else, okay?” 

“Mm, okay,” you keep your head down as you slink next to her jouncing steps, “sorry, I'll try not to be too grim.” 

“Whatever, you’re awesome,” she nudges you with her elbow, “you just be yourself and I know you’ll find some good friends around here.” 

You try to smile but it hurts. She always sees the best in others, even when it’s not there. You keep pace with her and turn up another curated lawn. The walk is perfectly laid and the blossom tree sways overhead. 

Rhiannon is welcomed through the open gate by one of those blonde women she has her book club with and you shuffle in with your hands in your pockets. You feel the woman’s harsh gaze and peek up. She looks at you the same way your mother does. Her name is Marge and her friend is Callie and there are dozens of the Stepford-like figures posted throughout the yard. 

“Come, let’s put your salad out,” Marge insists. 

Rhiannon looks at you and you chew your cheek, “go, I'll be fine.” 

She looks reluctant but you’re already walking away. You ignore the smell of sausage and beef rising from the barbeque and the splash and laughter of children from the pool. You aren’t going to find any friends here. That much is clear. Housewives and little kids, you don’t really fit the bill. 

You find your way to the far end of the lawn and stand by a tree you might just blend into. Or maybe you might bury yourself in the rose bushes. You pull your hands from your pockets and hook your fingers into your belt loops, swaying as you watch a bumble bee hover over the grass. 

“Foo Fighters, huh?” A low drawl brings your head up as a man approaches with a beer bottle in hand. 

“Um, yeah,” you look down at your shirt, tugging on the hem. 

“You go to a show?” He asks as he stops near you, drinking from the bottle as he waits for your answer. 

“Never been to one,” you cross your arms, “but I listen to them.” 

“Ah, yeah, well, they put on a hell of a show,” he wiggles the bottle as he talks, “lot more fun than these things.” 

You look up the yard towards the mingling of voices and sound. Despite your efforts to hide in a corner, you must have stuck out like a sore thumb. Shoot, maybe he thinks you’re trespassing. 

“I came with my sister,” you point and shift towards the party, “sorry, um, Rhiannon. I didn’t... I was just looking at the roses.” 

“Not my party,” he scoffs, “I don’t care.” 

“Oh,” you blink and look at him. He's about your height, dark curly hair, and vibrant blue eyes. His dark beard is thick and stubble prickles along his neck. He wears a plain white shirt and jeans; the bare minimum. “Right, er, well...” 

“Not a bad idea, hiding behind a tree,” he remarks, “but you're missing the key ingredient.” 

He stops and stares, crooking a brow as if you should know what he means. 

“Alcohol,” he raises his bottle, “they got a keg even. Probably the only good part about these bull—these things.” 

“I don’t drink,” you mutter, “but thanks.” 

You put your head down and stare at the grass around his shoes. You don’t know why he’s bothering you if it isn’t to make you leave. Obviously, you don’t belong. 

“Never too late to start,” he snorts and stays as he is. 

You don’t know how to make him leave you alone so you say nothing. The bee dips into a tulip’s mouth and you turn to watch it. Maybe he’ll take your silence as a hint. 

[skyfallscotland]

@heartfeltletters-written asked me 💥 How do you feel about criticism? and it felt like something that needed its own post, so here goes: the hypocrisy of critics in modern fandoms, an essay.

Criticism. I don't like getting it or giving it when it comes to writing. I struggle to even gently give it to friends, even when they ask me what I think of their work. Writing is such a personal thing that we pour our heart and soul into and like you say, many criticisms aren't necessarily valid. By that I mean, there's a difference between "Amy you use em dashes a lot babe" (I do) and "This story would have been so much better if Remi were a virgin" (actual criticism I have received, lmao). 

Unlike traditional authors, we will never make money from this, we do it for the love of it and it's time we will never get back. For some of us, it's time we could be working on our own original manuscripts too. I don't think people who give the second type of criticism are writers, generally. They don't understand the craft and what goes into it. Whenever I post and someone says a chapter was short or they immediately ask when the next one is, and that's all they say, I die inside a little. I try not to take it personally, but it's hard.

Personally, I think fandom behaviour is getting worse and that flows over into our comment sections and tumblr asks. I have a whole other dissertation on this that we’ll call ‘the slow death of fandom as we know it: an essay’, but that’s perhaps for another post. I don’t know how welcomed that commentary would be. 

You said the word ‘entitled’ in your original ask and I think that’s spot on. People have become more entitled in general and downright rude (which is not restricted to online spaces, by the way). I write for ACOTAR, but you’ve never seen me discuss it here because no matter what you say in that regard, you can’t win. Someone will always attack you and I do mean attack. Even in regards to Fourth Wing, I don't talk about my opinions a lot outside of my own little bubble of friends and readers.

And that's the kicker to this whole conversation, really. If I were to criticise Iron Flame/RY everyone would jump down my throat (as has happened on other platforms), even though I'd never say it to her face. Do I stand by my opinions? Absolutely. But it would be rude to tell her them, unless asked. I’m not allowed to (validly) criticise certain elements of her story, a published novel, without being attacked for it, but those same people are fine criticising my work directly to me. Hypocrisy at its finest.

There’s a new influx of people to fandom spaces who are completely unwilling to integrate and completely unwilling to be kind. You mentioned those who criticised your work could have saved themselves the trouble and read the tags, but the thing is: they don’t want to. They can’t be bothered to take five seconds and figure out how they work, to curate their own experience, because that’s what half these people are like. They want an algorithm to do it for them, gods help us.

For me, personally, I'm my biggest critic. I also have raging generalised anxiety, so just posting on the internet is enough to send me spiralling (seriously, I feel sick just typing this out). It's very, very out of my comfort zone and I've been very, very lucky so far to have cultivated the readership I have, full of very like-minded people. Perhaps due to some of the darker content matter. But the second I get harshly worded comments, I get upset.

I don't say that to elicit sympathy, it's just a fact. I get upset about it the same way I would if you were standing in front of me saying it to my face, and for someone with depression and anxiety, that lingers. I'm getting better at laughing at them, but it's like when someone tells you they don't like you and your mum says "just ignore them"—not that easy, right? 

So yeah, I don't mind if you want to tell me I use a lot of em dashes, or that I've used a word incorrectly in context, but I don't need to hear how much you hate original character fic when you could just use your last remaining braincell the back button and continue on with your day. Just be kind, is all I'm saying.

[excalibur-gone-missing]

[TEASER]

Paring: seungcheol x you

Requested: no

Release date: 24-04-24

Genre: mafia au, reverse of getting kidnaped by the mafia boss, fluff, e2l, crack, assistant au

Warning(s): mention of abduction, guns?

summary: It was not supposed to be like this, it was a meticulous plan perfectly curated by you, Jun and Seokmin. You were supposed to go get the man who was the future heir of the Kim Corps named Mingyu, you ever had a pic of his. Most importantly it was definitely not supposed to be the man who now sits in your basement claiming that he is the leader of the mafia organisation you three work for.

words: 342

Other works

disclaimer: this is not the exact representation of the subjects in real life. I just use them for my inspiration.

a/n: taglist is open, comment if you want to be tagged.

[permanent taglist][for those who want to join the permanent taglist]

“So, you are telling me these three, these newbies who literally didn’t have any good job for them to gain experience drugged your ass and took you to god knows where, and you couldn’t even put up a good fight?!”

Jeonghan exclaims looking at the seated, nervous and scared faces of the three of you from Seungcheol’s office’s glass.

“Apparently not”, the older man sighs.

“My friend are you sure you are a real mafia? Because in the light of the current happenings I am starting to question your integrity a lot.”

Jeonghan says as he barks out a laugh, taking pleasure at his friends’ humiliation.

The bitch continues to make fun of the older man.

“Or maybe you were too immersed in staring at the pretty lady to notice that you were getting kidnapped”.

“I just thought I was getting mugged, so I didn’t fight hard enough, who knew I would be kidnapped instead.”

Seungcheol grumbles pouting a bit.

“Which is even worse, because you are telling me you would have let people just mug you for no reason when you are one of the most influential people underground!” now Jeonghan did look pretty concerned about the statement his superior just spewed and he does indeed have a hard time accepting it.

“Ahh! Just get over with it and let me go and make sure the three of them face the appropriate consequences for not only abducting me, but also trying to abduct my friend”, Seungcheol barks out while walking out, thoroughly humiliated and annoyed that his junior was having fun at his expense.

So Jeonghan does what he is good at. Right after his superior leaves, he strides towards the group and says, “so because the boss has instructed me to do something with you three which will stop you guys from going off the hook, I’m going to assign you some jobs in the organisation because I can.”

Now, anyone even vaguely familiar with Jeonghan would recognize the expression he wore just before chaos ensued, but contrary to popular belief, Jeonghan is actually quite amiable—at least, that's what he believes, and that's what matters, right?

He continued, “Junhui, you’ll be overseeing the artillery division our deputy head Chan will ensure you are well informed about your job. You’ll meet him tomorrow. As for Seokmin,” he paused, a sly smile crossing his face, which made Seokmin visibly nervous, “you, my friend, will be our esteemed boss's driver. Lastly, y/n, you'll be his assistant. You'll meet Chan tomorrow too; he'll explain the workings of your new role.”

Normally, in any ordinary conversation, you wouldn't dare ask inappropriate questions, but the circumstances were far from normal, so you proceeded with the most audacious question you could muster: “Why did Chan leave his previous post?”

Jeonghan politely responded, “He left because the job didn’t suit him, so we shifted him to the artillery department as a deputy head.”

Unspoken was the fact that Chan had been worn down by the boss's relentless bullying, quietly requesting a transfer for at least three years before Jeonghan finally relented. Since then, the turnover of assistants had been alarmingly high. Jeonghan desperately hoped you would stick around. Moreover, if either you or Seungcheol objected to this arrangement, he had enough leverage to ensure you both compile.

Enough dirt to keep both of you in line.

[agustdiv1ne]

congratulations on 3k!!! can i request beomgyu + the devil wears prada + smut please

NOW SHOWING...

pairing: choi beomgyu x fem!reader

genre: smսt

wc: 2.2k

details + warnings: mdni!!!, assistant!beomgyu, boss!mc (girlboss moment), mc is Mean, power imbalance, dom!mc, sub!gyu, oral (f receiving), hair pulling (m receiving), mc calls gyu: good boy, baby (once), gyu experiences slight subdrop but it's ok in the end !

note: thank uuuu ^^ enjoy!!

beomgyu knows next to nothing about fashion. in fact, he has no interest in the subject — that’s more his friend, yeonjun’s, speed — and he’s quite critical of the industry itself, so he’s genuinely unsure why he decided to accept the position of junior assistant to you, the devil herself.

he initially found it hard to believe that you, someone a mere few years older than him, had climbed all the way up to the top of the corporate ladder to become the editor-in-chief of a major fashion magazine. nepotism was his working suspicion, but he quickly realized that you were just that good at your job. fashion is what you live and breathe, it’s what runs through your veins, and while he doesn’t have a particularly keen eye for cohesive style, he can tell that your outfits are intentionally put together. he gets an eyeful of your wardrobe (and, if he’s being truthful, your ass) each day when you come into the office, throwing your designer coat and bag onto his desk without a single glance in his direction. recently, he’s found himself trying harder to curate his own sense of style, though he is not entirely sure why — perhaps he’s seeking approval from you, even if the words you direct towards him are consistently scathing in nature. he kind of likes it, though.

(what can he say, he’s a bit of a masochist.)

he’s well aware that your chronically stoic, unimpressed expression and sharp tongue help you keep everyone pinned under your perfectly manicured thumb. you may not have authority in age, but you sure as hell do in attitude. the whirlwind that the office becomes right before you enter is enough to indicate the sheer amount of influence you hold over his fellow coworkers — and evidently, him as well. it’s fear-based admiration, he thinks. fear, yes, but there is that tiny little part of him that experiences this overwhelming attraction to you as well.

on the bright side, even though his lack of fashion knowledge has gotten him in trouble more often than he’d like to admit, he’s eventually gotten in your good graces, albeit with quite an unorthodox method — one which also satisfies his odd fascination with you.

“tell him that i will not be accepting the girl he sent for that layout. i asked for clean, athletic, and smiley. i received dirty, tired, and drabby—  no, i will not be changing my mind. if he does not fix his mistake by tomorrow morning, i will not be working with him in the future,” you sigh on the phone, voice monotone and unaffected despite him kneeling beneath your desk between your legs. this is his master plan: if beomgyu can’t get you to approve of him through his (to be fair, subpar) work as your junior assistant, he’ll just have to prove himself worthy in other ways. please you in other ways. 

“so, what i’m hearing is that you want to whore yourself out to me in order to keep your job. what an…interesting proposition,” you had said to him when he’d first come to you with the idea, while he quaked like a leaf in the wind as he sat across from you. your stone-cold face allowed little of your internal state to slip, your eyes scanning over his pressed suit jacket and fashion-forward button up shirt (that he had, admittedly, stolen from yeonjun’s closet that morning). he didn’t expect you to savagely twist his words and throw them back in his face. though once you put it that way, he realized how naïve, how utterly idiotic, it all sounded. his ass was going to be fired and out your office door in t-minus three, two, one—

but then you beckoned him around the desk with a stiletto-shaped, red-painted fingernail, urged him down onto his knees, and spread your legs to reveal thin, lacy black panties beneath your tight, mouth-watering skirt. your expression still hadn’t changed, though your words caused his mouth to water.

“you have five minutes to prove your worth.”

several months have passed since then, and he’s officially demonstrated himself useful to you in ways other than what he was originally hired for. beomgyu finds this type of work far more gratifying than taking calls, cleaning out files, and organizing potential magazine spreads for you to review. he’s sure the his co-workers wonder why someone in such a lowly position spends a significant amount of time in your office with the door shut — but he couldn’t care less about their stares. maybe it’s the sick, perverted crush he’s formed on you that’s talking, but the thought of being used for his body isn’t appalling. rather, it actually really, really turns him on. whenever you call him into his office, he has to suppress a pathetic hard-on and ignore the twitching of his cock while he wonders if you need him for something practical or for…relief. 

relief is what you require today, it seems. the slight furrow of your brow is enough to indicate that you’re stressed. being an editor-in-chief at your age is no joke. the job demands all of your time and energy, every waking hour of your day — and he’s grateful that you’ve given him the chance to be your reprieve from the pressure, even if it’s only for a small percentage of your time. sometimes, he wishes he could take up more of your day, bask in your attention for longer, sit beneath your desk for hours and allow you to use him like a stupid sex toy — but at the same time, he thinks this is enough for now.

his teeth dig into his bottom lip as your hands curl into the locks of hair at the crown of his head, pointed nails pressing into his scalp, nipping at the sensitive skin. the gel that slicks back his hair crunches beneath your unrelenting grip, his head stinging as you jerk it back. his eyes nearly roll back into his head at the sensation, a pitiful whine falling from his lips as he feels his trousers grow the slightest bit tighter. narrowed eyes meeting his, you press your mouth into a thin, straight line. the phone is no longer curled between your fingers, attention now fully on him. scrutinizing. 

“twenty minutes,” is all you say, and he takes that as his cue to get to work. gently, he slips your skirt off of your legs and lays it out next to him, knowing how much you’d hate for it to wrinkle — it’s unfashionable, trashy. you scolded him the first time he attempted to bunch it up at your hips in haste. now, he knows better, has learned the vast majority of your quirks and preferences, as strict as they can be — he’s your good boy, even if you don’t give him the satisfaction of hearing it that often. he’ll do anything to hear that come from your painted lips. 

thumbing your panties to the side reveals your glistening folds to his hungry eyes. he swipes his tongue over the seam of his lips before kissing up your right thigh, avoiding using his teeth because you don’t like marks. he hums as he tongues your folds, the muscle dipping down to your entrance and he nearly moans at the taste that hits his tongue. fuck, why do you always taste so good? it’s like an addiction at this point, the way he needs his tongue buried beneath your thighs every day to feel sated.

above him, you sigh out, stiff shoulders relaxing into your chair. he takes this as a positive sign. fingers curl into his hair as soon as his lips find your clit, enclosing around the tiny pearl, tongue laving across it with practiced motions. typically, you don’t moan, but today, you allow a soft, breathy curse to slip — oh, fuck, he’s done for. he’s on the verge of losing it and cumming in his pants right now. whining against your folds, his incoherent words vibrate against your clit. fingers curl into his hair and tug just hard enough to sting, but he doesn’t stop, insatiable as he drags his tongue from your clit back down to your entrance. his nose bumps against your clit now as he takes laps up the juices flowing from your hole, feeling your walls clench when he dares to dip the muscle into you. dizzy, dizzy is how he feels. dizzy with the warmth of your thighs muffling his ears, with the scent of your musky perfume that you seem to dab on your inner thighs, on your taste, on everything about you. you’re more reactive today, less mean, and he has a half a mind to wonder why. 

“fuck, good boy,” you sigh, nails scratching at his sensitive scalp, making him moan. his trousers feel painfully tight, and he can’t help the hand that comes down to stroke over the hardness straining against the fabric. his eyes roll back into his head, eyelids fluttering shut as he switches his attention back to your clit, basking in the sensation of your legs tightening around his head, your hips grinding up into his lips. your breathy pants spur him on further, and when he finally looks back up at your face, he finds your lips bitten to hell, your eyes dark and hooded as you stare right back at him. the eye contact is enough for you to warn him of your impending high, your squirming growing worse until you freeze, legs quaking and hips jumping as he continues to ravage your folds, his hand squeezing himself harder. he could burst at any moment now, but he can’t do that. he has to hold it in, he has to prove that he can listen.

“get up, go handle your problem,” you’d usually say afterwards, leaving him to fend for himself in a bathroom stall, fist pumping his red, aching cock until he spills all over his fingers. today, however, it’s different. instead, he watches as you pick up your phone, dial some number, and say, “yes, tell everyone not to disturb me for another hour. if anyone does, they’ll be fired.” 

oh. you’re not…making him leave. what’s going on? is this some sort of cruel way to fire him? he just did so well for you though, you can’t. no, no, no — you can’t get rid of him. he needs you. you need him. dewy tears line his eyes, the amber hue of his pupils shining beneath your warm office lights. as you set the phone back down and look back down at him, your brows pull down into a frown, though there’s little concern and more confusion. 

“up,” you urge with another tug to his hair, and he swallows down the squeak that hitches in his throat, blinking back the tears. as he stands, head tucked into his chest, you question, “what is wrong with you?”

“i–i just,” he whimpers. “i—”

your eyes trail down to the tent in his pants, a nail coming up to trace along his covered erection. he visibly shivers. humming, you grope it softly, and he emits a tearful whine. “look at me.”

one, two seconds pass before he follows your command, red-rimmed eyes somehow making him prettier. while he’s a tall man, he’s shrunken into himself, hair mussed, lips still slick with your arousal — you think that he must be deep in some vulnerable headspace, so you decide to say, “you’re not in trouble. you did well.” 

the words come out flat, monotone, but it’s enough to cause the panic swelling within his chest to recede. he nods, still unable to look you in the eye. he feels you stand in front of him, reaching for his chin so he has no choice but to face you. your expression remains neutral while you slide a finger back and forth against his jaw. soothing, in a way, lacking the typical sharp edge that your actions have. gently, you push him to the side, and he watches with bated breath as you sit atop your desk, legs dangling off the dark wood. with a single wave of your finger, you guide him between your legs, hands on his hips as you start to help him grind against your panty-covered core.

“do you want to be even better for me?” you ask, and he nods silently. “words, beomgyu.”

“y-yes, i do,” he whispers, watching as your tongue swipes over your lips. a ghost of a smile plays on your lips, barely there — but he notices. he notices everything about you, really, even in this hazy state of his. 

“good,” you sigh, reaching down to stroke him once more. he sighs, eyes squeezing shut and vision blurring as they open again. he mouth falls open before he can stop it, a shuddering moan falling from his lips. tilting your head, a single quirk of your brow has his heart pounding harder.

“then go ahead and fuck me, baby.”

3k event masterlist | masterlist

© to agustdiv1ne. do not copy, repost, steal, and/or translate.

[lawrence-eagleburger]

Sorry guys, I need to get some election stuff out. Feel free to scroll by. Or read. Your call, man. This will be 80% despair capped off with why I’m not going to quit on this shit.

I really don’t want to say too much in detail about my previous political experience because it could identify me and I’m honestly slightly embarrassed by it, but I’ll say that I used to be a social media manager/content curator/director for a (at the time) major American political party during the 2016 election. I was way too young to be pulling the levers I was pulling, and I didn’t really know what the hell I was doing.

Suffice to say, I got exposed to how the political sausage was made in an intimate manner before I graduated high school. It is truly absurd and I have no way to prove this, but you’ll have to take my word for it. I only say that to give this all a shred of credibility.

Folks, it’s incredibly hard for me to focus on hockey right now. This is such a disaster on almost every conceivable level. I live in Utah, a deeply red state, and I watched as they called it for the GOP with…zero reported votes. This was always going to be the case and it is the furthest thing from a surprise of all time, but it sunk me a bit.

I stayed up until the bitter end last night. It was like watching a gunshot victim bleed out over the course of 10 hours. It was never really even remotely competitive. I sat on a call with a couple of my dearest friends in silence as North Carolina fell…then Georgia…by that time the race was functionally over, and we were trying to wrap our heads around what that meant for us. And then Pennsylvania flipped.

It’s impossible to overstate how disastrous a loss this was for all things good and decent, and even more impossible to pin down any one reason things went so horribly wrong.

We have to contend with the fact that we lost the electoral college AND the popular vote for the first time in two decades and try to confront this deeply sinister truth that maybe this really is what Americans want after all.

We have to contend with the fact that electorally, progressives are dependent on a political organization in the DNC that spits on them at every turn and is willing to nuke their election chances to lock them out of decision making positions.

We have to face a harsh truth that this should have been one of the most winnable elections in American history and the Democrats genuinely, legitimately fumbled it away and got killed on every single policy except abortion.

We have to face an even harsher truth that we may be entering a new frontier of post-truth politics, in a world where right wing misinformation has corroded the media infrastructure so thoroughly that it’s nearly impossible to tease out what’s even happening.

All that said, I won’t lose to despair. At least, I can’t. I’m going to sleep on it, but I think I’m going to get back in the game. I have felt like a child slamming an ear to the wall trying to listen to their parents argue about whether or not to sell the house for the past two elections. I cannot bear to simply vote and watch next time. There is so much at stake and so much work to do.

I hope you guys are okay. Rest up, take care of yourself, recharge your batteries as best you can. Call your friends. Check on them. Check on yourself.

The fat lady might be getting ready backstage, but she ain’t singing yet.

It’s not over until it’s over.

[66sharkteeth]

I am SO sorry about that other anon good lord, who do they think they are??? You're a human being with feelings and emotions and hardships!! Or a shark I guess in your case, but my point still stands.

I, too, have been a long-time fan of your comic. CoB is my favorite webcomic and I've been loyally following and reading the updates since... end of s1?? It's been a while. BUT despite that, I know that you're still a person at the end of the day, and that sometimes you just need to get shit off your chest. It's far healthier to vent and get things off your chest than it is to bottle it up.

I haven't paid attention because I'm following like 500 different tumblrs, but may I suggest tagging your rants? That way, if people don't want to see it, they can just blacklist the tag, and you can keep getting things off your chest.

>>> Also just a reminder to everyone that YOU CURATE YOUR OWN ONLINE EXPERIENCES. The tag blocker and unfollow button is there for a reason. If you don't like what someone posts, either block the tag or just unfollow them. It's not that hard.

Sorry to that anon in that I didn’t mean to send any hate their way. I appreciate what you’re saying but I understand their point. I made this as a space for fans and I shouldn’t be using it for personal baggage. I’m just going to try to avoid using it like that from now on, so hopefully a tag won’t be necessary but I’ll make sure to do so if I do fall in that hole again. I hopefully just find a better outlet, but I just always appreciate being heard here, even if only by a few people. Even just a like on one of my posts tells me someone heard me and sometimes that’s just all I need. This was just kinda the only place I can get that since Twitter and IG would attract too much attention, and well, my private accounts… just feel like screaming into a void that just echos everything back and confirms everything I’m venting about. I’m gonna try to avoid venting here from now on and do my best to just keep it a positive fan space, but I appreciate all the support up til now whenever I’ve been having a bad night

[ingydar-phan]

My question is why is everyone just chomping at the bit for a "hard launch"? These are human beings I just want them to be happy whatever that means to them, we shouldn't be theorizing about whether or not they are gonna announce their relationship whatever it is

Genuinely confused at what this is asking or trying to get at but I’ll try.

Why? Because, as I wrote about in my big text post, everything is intentional. No matter how good of actors they are, when in front of a camera, (only 1% of their actual life), they are making content. They are curating their actions. When in front of a camera they are content creators.

Recognizing that being in content only makes up 1% of their life is the boundary that creates this comfortability. You’re so right, they are human beings. Human beings with 15 years of experience in public relations. Whether you like it or not, realize it or not, their content is based around them. If we only saw their gameplay screen recorded, their content wouldn’t be their content. They are where they are because of how they interact. Because of who they are as people.

I also want to point out that the hard launch thing didn’t come out of nowhere, as of right now, it’s come from pattern recognition of them leading up to something coming. Us watching them isn’t having a hidden camera in their house, it’s them intentionally choosing to put out what they want to put out.

We all want them to be happy. I want them to be happy. What is this weird, coping mechanism defense tactic style, of idea that hard launching (whatever that means) is at all a bad thing? Where do people get the idea that it would suddenly make their life hell, or that we or they would somehow be ��losing” in some made up battle?

“We shouldn’t be theorizing” yes we should. I’m taking this lightly as I suppose this is a subjective opinion, but Dan and Phil are RPF enjoyers to their core. Dan got with Phil by obsessing over him online. Like I said, the internet is only 1% of their life. What seems majorly catastrophic to you or us is minuscule to them.

“Their relationship, whatever it is”. Sorry? I genuinely don’t want to be mean, so I’m going to laugh. What a silly little jokester you are. But no, I cannot comprehend people who are intentionally or unintentionally obtuse to the point of boggling when having to think of what DNPs relationship is. To take some sentiments from @dysthoepiadaily, what more can they possibly do? Are people really this dense? They’re husbands, soulmates, more than just romantic, more than friends, 4000 year old tortoises, companions through life, a ranch metaphor, gay uncles, whatever. Sorry it’s not handed to you on a silver platter because you’re terrified of using critical thinking skills out of fear of….judgement? Insult? I don’t even know.

As far as it goes with Dan and Phil as “human beings”, they have done all they can to show us, like any other couple on earth, what they are to each other.

As far as it goes with Dan and Phil as a commercial brand of media, it’s not all about that. The buildup, the complexity, is what makes them interesting. No matter how talented and interesting they are, they undeniably profit off of their romance and relationship to one another, no matter the topic of content. That’s obvious, and it’s a positive aspect, not a negative. Taking that final step of hand feeding or “hard launch” would definitely change the way they’re viewed, but it wouldn’t change who they are. You’ve had the illness even before it got diagnosed, to use a metaphor. We’d just be proud. We wouldn’t change, we’d just be proud of them.

[autistichalsin]

Okay, I’ve been a bit scared because I’ve been observing from the sidelines, but I do want you to know this isn’t a hateful or troll ask, I’m genuinely asking for clarification.

In my experience, “pro-shipping” has always meant ‘problematic shipping’, and all of the people I’ve talked to about this have said the same thing.

Am I the one who’s misconstrued? I really don’t get it.

Being called “pro-harassment” or “pro-censorship” is hurtful and confusing as all hell.

I don’t harass people for what they create. I don’t care to do that. I block and move on, and warn people if I know they could be upset by the content.

But I also don’t understand how certain things are justified.

I am personally not bothered by much, but I have watched friends and acquaintances go through visceral traumatic reactions because people have decided to air out their coping by sharing it with the public. (I.E, people who write romantic incestual fics, etc)

I don’t give a shit what people write. I really don’t. But it feels harmful to use the excuse of coping when you, in turn, could be hurting dozens of others.

Like I said, I genuinely am not trying to be hateful here. I’m confused, and still distraught that all of this is happening. I don’t think anyone deserves to be harassed. I just also don’t get the logic here.

Pro-shipping never once meant problematic shipping. It meant opposite of "anti" because antis would come and invade the tags and asks, calling them all kinds of names if they found their ships distasteful.

Sorry that being indirectly accused of supporting harassment hurt your feelings. Imagine how I felt, being DIRECTLY accused of supporting rape in real life because of my taste in fiction. You are throwing in your lot with people who can't distinguish fantasy and reality.

I don't like incest fics either, anon. They are triggering for me. So you know what I do? I don't read fics tagged as incest. For that reason, I have never been triggered by an incest fic. I suppose I would be if I read an incest fic that wasn't tagged as much, but you will never find a single pro-shipper who defends posting such content without a tag. You are responsible for your own experience online; it is your job to curate the content.

If it was just seeing that the fic exists that triggered the response, then I'm sorry to say they're still in the wrong. As a survivor, learning that triggers exist and how to navigate those triggers is on you. We are responsible for how we deal with our trauma. Your friends didn't deserve their traumas, and they deserve kindness and support, but requesting that people never be allowed to write distasteful fiction so that they don't have to be upset by the idea that someone somewhere shipped incest is not reasonable. Their feelings are valid; it's totally reasonable to be triggered, to strictly curate your online experience. It's reasonable to block everyone who ships the upsetting incest ships, to put an "incest shippers DNI" on your page, all of it. It's not reasonable to call them supporters of IRL incest or to accuse them of causing your trauma. It isn't hard at all on AO3 or Tumblr; they even give you the option to blacklist/filter out certain tags so you can avoid it without blocking users. There's easily half a dozen safeguards that already exist that are a lot less radical, a lot less likely to be weaponized against queer users, and a lot easier to enforce than trying to remove them.

Me writing fics, such as a character using kink to cope, can only harm a user who doesn't curate their feed (and who reads fics they know will trigger them, which I can only assume would then be a purposeful form of self-harm). Denying other survivors their coping mechanism, though, IS a direct form of harm. Stigmatizing recovery by saying that survivors are in any way akin to abusers for creating fiction is a direct form of harm.

It sounds to me like you've absorbed some very harmful and very narrow ideas of what recovery should and should not look like, and what is and isn't a good/valid survivor. You might want to reflect on why you're turning your attention to policing what survivors do to cope so much.

[sensitiveheartless]

different from the fanfic writer ask thing, but I just wanted to thank you for always always always being such a friendly and positive ray of sunshine in the fandom! BSD fandom is generally a hostile place to be, but your tumblr is and always has been such a chill place to be! It’s always so fun to see your fic ideas and fanart, and it’s always a relief to be able to interact with you, knowing you’re not going to overreact and lash out unexpectedly! Thanks for being such a bright, safe spot that makes this fandom worth staying in and interacting with!

Anon I will CRY, don’t tempt me — but seriously, I’m really glad I’ve been able to be that for you!

I think I’ve been pretty lucky, to be honest — I might have grown up with too much unsupervised internet access, but one thing that my mom did hammer into my head at a young age was to never ever share anything personal about myself with anyone online. Which my child brain interpreted as “never talk to anyone ever or they will find out where you live”, so I then proceeded to avoid making any social media accounts, and in general tried to never interact with anything online at all up until I was in college.

…Anyway, as a result of that, my default state is not interacting with things, which makes it pretty easy to ignore random internet squabbles or people trying to be inflammatory. (Also I don’t go in the main tags for bsd so I just see things through the blogs I follow, none of which are particularly drama-prone, so I’ve overall had a pretty positive experience in this fandom, considering it’s the first one I’ve ever interacted with. I think in general that kind of curation makes for a much more chill experience, so I do recommend that.)

But yeah! I will never lash out at someone for saying hi, or just interacting with me in general, and I fully intend to keep this a chill blog where I just share the stuff I’m working on :D I am here because I like making things and I like talking with people about the blorbos!

Ah, also, a somewhat related guarantee: on the rare occasions I’ve gotten bad faith hate mail on here, I have ignored it and gone to draw something that makes me happy instead of responding. I will continue to utilize that strategy, and that is a promise. Y’all don’t need to see that kind of negativity, and it’s a waste of energy to respond, so I don’t.

(This also seems like a good time to say that I am dearly sorry if I’ve ever blocked a real person while mistaking them for a bot, it’s just genuinely hard to tell sometimes alskdjfj)

[palomahasenteredthechat]

Hello! I am so thankful for you still entertaining open dialogue about all of this. I took a hard stop break from social media since last Sunday because the feeling in my stomach was unbearable. Part of me knew this would happen the second he signed to marvel and started getting more famous. Part of me was thrilled for him and part of me knew he would change. I know he was never partial to his fans and he is mostly weirded out by us, but I just feel very stupid, pathetic, and heartbroken in a way that honestly embarrasses me. I am thankful for the break from new photos this weekend but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before more pop up. I hate this I hate it so much I am devastated. I feel like he’s laughing at us and rubbing it in our faces with every new photo that comes out, and I fear this is the real deal.

I just feel so stupid and upset and I muted a lot of his stuff on instagram and twitter, and am heavily trying to curate my experience on here, but it’s hard not to search and look at gossip and hurt my own feelings. Of course everyone I know keeps mentioning it to me since I’m the known fan amongst friend groups. I’m just so sad and disappointed in him, in me, and how I wish it would go away so I don’t feel a pit in my stomach every time I go online.

Sorry, thank you, and I really appreciate the space. It’s hard out here everyone is so self righteous and tries to play some kind of role that they’re above being invested in personal lives, but whatever I obsessed over him for over 2 years and just need to get it out. Hope you’re doing ok. Thanks again.

Oooohhh Nonny. It's going to be okay.

I'll say it again: it's going to be okay.

First of all, good for you for curating your online space. That was probably hard to do, but it most likely helped you. So give yourself a pat on the back for being proactive.

Second, don't apologize for your feelings. Fuck the haters. Anyone who mocks someone for feeling sad about something, no matter how trivial or ridiculous, isn't worth your time. Decent people don't do that.

Third, and this might sound harsh but isn't, I promise you: he's not throwing it in your face, because he's not thinking about his fans at all. It feels personal, but it's not.

I use this phrase jokingly, but remember, Joe's gonna Joe. He's going to do what feels right in the moment. He's young, he's on an upward career trajectory, he's feeling himself, he's not thinking about the past. He's living in the present.

He will show up again, doing things that might seem cringeworthy, or funny, or enraging, and the world will go on. Sometimes it's good to get some perspective away from a lot of this by changing your physical space - spend time with new people, or reconnect with old friends, or volunteer - I cannot stress volunteering enough, it really, really gets you out of your head.

I also give you permission to lie in bed and be a slug if that is healing for you, but don't make that your go-to forever. There's a big wide world out there, and it's meant to be lived in.

Hang in there Nonny. I promise you will be laughing hysterically at things sooner than you think.

[creature-wizard]

I don’t know how to stop looking at other people as competition, it’s how I was raised. Even with my friends (or former friends, considering they don’t talk to me now), I’m constantly trying to one up them and the ones I’m not trying to one up, my brain has already deemed that I’m “above them” (clearly I’m not or else I wouldn’t be here). My mom repeatedly told me since I was a little kid that the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen to me is to be the one clapping for my “friends” while they receive awards and achievements instead of it being me receiving those awards. It’s literally ingrained in me and my cousins, we don’t even like each other because we hate that one is more successful than the other.

Holy shit anon, that's an awful thing to have put in you as a kid, and I'm so sorry that your relationships were sabotaged this way. This was not a normal way to be brought up, and you deserved so, so much better.

What I have found to be effective is to challenge these beliefs and essentially crowd them out with other, beneficial beliefs. Curate an online experience that helps you with this.

As you probably know by now, I have the capacity to be pretty impatient and mean, and one of my Weird Tricks is to channel that onto my inner demons. Like oh, this fucker has the gall to hold me back? Fuck him, I'm gonna kick his ass. This isn't to say that I'm hard on myself or tell myself cruel things; it just means that I take a proactive role in dealing with what's messing me up.

Since this is childhood indoctrination we're talking about, it's going to take awhile. And like any psychological healing journey, your recovery won't be linear; you'll make progress and then you'll have bad days where you slip back for awhile. The bad days don't mean that progress isn't happening; they're just part of the healing journey.

Searching up "how to challenge negative core beliefs" on DuckDuckGo, I can find a number of resources, including this page with a worksheet. I can also find the article How to Spot and Challenge Your Negative Core Beliefs, According to a Therapist, which might also be useful. You can also search up "how to challenge negative core beliefs" for yourself and find more help.

And again, I recommend my post "I'm in a bad place and need to get out, what can I do?" It's got a list of resources, tips, and blogs you can follow. Hopefully at some point you can get an actual therapist, maybe even get on medication of some kind, if that's a thing you're open to. But if you can't do that - at least, not anytime soon - you can at least do the other things I've suggested.

And above all, be patient and kind to yourself. You can do this. It'll take time and work, but you can do this.

[ofmermaidstories]

hi merms, i hope you’re doing great. i’m sorry if this is different from your usual asks but i wanted to ask you, since you are literally blog goals, but how can i be more like you and enjoy my own blog? i love how you’re so free in your own space and express yourself, and you’re just full of happiness and all the bright, good things. going to your blog always makes me smile. its like you spread joy and warmth so easily. is it weird i feel more at home with your blog 😭 i wish i could enjoy my blog too, but sometimes drama makes the experience un-fun, like mean anons, or worse, your own readers constantly putting you in weird competition with your own writer friends over things you and your friends never even noticed before. i know the easy answer is to just ignore the haters and enjoy writing, and i really love writing, but its hard sometimes. i wish i could make my blog feel as homey as yours. visiting your page is like comin home to fresh hot chocolate after a long day of work 💐 thats all luv, sending you lots of love always 🌸

oh anon. i’m sorry. 🥺 i am sitting with you and we will piece this out together though, okay? 🧩 it’s hard! i’ve actually been feeling kind of dejected, lately, like with tumblr in general and my usage of it—because i haven’t been using it like i used to! so i guess that’s the first thing: to figure out what you want out of it, and then figure out what it takes to make it happen. for me i enjoy this place most when i’m treating it like a scrapbook: quotes or pictures that inspire me, asks, things i doodle. the pros of that: you fill your space with stuff you love, or that means something to you! the cons: it can be a little isolating if the stuff you love, or the things that mean something to you, aren’t like… current writing or posting trends, lmao. but it all just depends on what you value! 🥺 i’m not a fast writer, and tend to favour long-term projects, so while it sometimes makes me sad when i fall out of the loop of things, ultimately i just accept (or try to) that that’s how i work in this space. 🥹 as mama cass said, sometimes you just gotta make your own kinda music.

drama makes everything boring! and tbh i think my biggest cheat with that is that i only follow a relatively small amount of x reader blogs. 🥹 that’s not intentional; i curate a pretty strict feed based on my other interests, though, so there ends up being a lot of competition for my attention. 🥺 the pros of this is that i tend to miss most discourse that happens (lmao). the con is that i tend to miss everything else, too, though. 🥹 you basically have to choose whichever bothers you less lmfaooo. and even then—drama or meanness or plain old weirdness will still find it’s way to you. 🥺 i think that’s just the unforch reality of being on social media. especially in a niche that’s so… driven by something as personal as literally self-inserting, and dependant on the validation of others. 🥺 i’m sorry people have made you feel like you’re in competition with your friends! it sucks, because i think we as writers like… live in our own heads, lmao. we know so much about the worlds and characters we’re trying to write. but people outside of our heads don’t—think the same way! 🥺 they will draw comparisons where maybe we don’t want them to. 🥺 i think that’s a natural response, tbh; especially if they love something, and see work with like, a similar theme or tropes, but despite it being a compliment it doesn’t always feel great. 🥹 i guess the only advice (and reminder, for myself) i can offer is that you and your friends aren’t in competition—but rather thrown into the same maze together. 🥺 the only way out is to hold hands to make sure none of you get lost, and walk through. 🥹

anon!!! 🥺 i hope you find a way to make your blog feel more homely. you’re always welcome here—the door’s always open for the sunlight and the bees—but i want you to feel like the important part of the neighbourhood you are! 🥺 and safe enough that you can leave your door open, too. 🪟🎐🌾