#i’m telling you that speech CHANGED the trajectory of my life

[clockwork-carstairs]

Jem’s “I can offer you my heart” speech to Tessa in Clockwork Prince is so permanently etched into my brain that I saw the entire paragraph written in a language I do not understand (I think it was Portuguese) and immediately recognised it

[oscopelabs]

Isn’t Everything Autobiographical?: Ethan Hawke In Nine Films And A Novel by Marya Gates

When asked during his first ever on-camera interview if he’d like to continue acting, a young Ethan Hawke replied, “I don’t know if it’s going to be there, but I’d like to do it.” He then gives a guileless shrug of relief as the interview ends, wiping imaginary sweat off his brow. The simultaneous fusion of his nervous energy and poised body language will be familiar to those who’ve seen later interviews with the actor. The practicality and wisdom he exudes at such a young age would prove to be a through-line of his nearly 40-year career. In an interview many decades later, he told Ideas Tap that many children get into acting because they’re seeking attention, but those who find their calling in the craft discover that a “desire to communicate and to share and to be a part of something bigger than yourself takes over, a certain craftsmanship—and that will bring you a lot of pleasure.”

Through Hawke’s dedication to his craft, we’ve also seen his maturation as a person unfold on screen. Though none of his roles are traditionally what we think of when we think of autobiography, many of Hawke’s roles, as well as his work as a writer, suggest a sort of fictional autobiographical lineage. While these highlights in his career are not strictly autofiction, one can trace Hawke’s Künstlerromanesque trajectory from his childhood ambitions to his life now as a man dedicated to art, not greatness. 

Hawke’s first two films, Joe Dante’s sci-fi fantasy Explorers with River Phoenix and Peter Weir’s Dead Poets Society with Robin Williams, set the tone for a diverse filmography filled with popcorn fare and indie cinema in equal measure, but they also served as touchstones in his development as person drawn to self-expression through art. In an interview with Rolling Stone’s David Fear, Hawke spoke about the impact of these two films on him as an actor. When River Phoenix, his friend and co-star in Explorers, had his life cut short by a drug overdose, it hit Hawke personally. He saw from the inside what Hollywood was capable of doing to young people with talent. Hawke never attempted to break out, to become a star. He did the work he loved and kept the wild Hollywood lifestyle mostly at arm’s length. 

Like any good film of this genre, Dead Poets Society is not just a film about characters coming of age, but a film that guides the viewer as well, if they are open to its message. Hawke’s performance as repressed schoolboy Todd in the film is mostly internal, all reactions and penetrating glances, rather than grandiose movements or speeches. Through his nervy body language and searching gaze, you can feel both how closed off to the world Todd is, and yet how willing he is to let change in. Hawke has said working on this film taught him that art has a real power, that it can affect people deeply. This ethos permeates many of the characters Hawke has inhabited in his career. 

In Dead Poets Society, Mr. Keating (Robin Williams) tells the boys that we read and write poetry because the human race is full of passion. He insists, “poetry, beauty, romance, love—these are what we stay alive for.” Hawke gave a 2020 TEDTalk entitled Give Yourself Permission To Be Creative, in which he explored what it means to be creative, pushing viewers to ask themselves if they think human creativity matters. In response to his own question, he said “Most people don’t spend a lot of time thinking about poetry, right? They have a life to live and they’re not really that concerned with Allen Ginsberg’s poems, or anybody’s poems, until their father dies, they go to a funeral, you lose a child, somebody breaks your heart, they don’t love you anymore, and all of the sudden you’re desperate for making sense out of this life and ‘has anyone ever felt this bad before? How did they come out of this cloud?’ Or the inverse, something great. You meet somebody and your heart explodes. You love them so much, you can’t even see straight, you know, you’re dizzy. ‘Did anybody feel like this before? What is happening to me?’ And that’s when art is not a luxury. It’s actually sustenance. We need it.” 

Throughout many of his roles post-Dead Poets Society, Hawke explores the nature of creativity through his embodiment of writers and musicians. Often these characters are searching for a greater purpose through art, while ultimately finding that human connection is the key. Without that human connection, their art is nothing.

We see the first germ of this attraction to portray creative people on screen with his performance as Troy Dyer in Reality Bites. As Troy Dyer, a philosophy-spouting college dropout turned grunge-band frontman in Reality Bites, Hawke was posited as a Gen-X hero. His inability to keep a job and his musician lifestyle were held in stark contrast to Ben Stiller’s yuppie TV exec Michael Grates. However in true slacker spirit, he isn’t actually committed to the art of music, often missing rehearsals, as Lelaina points out. Troy even uses his music at one point to humiliate Lelaina, dedicating a rendition of “Add It Up” by Violent Femmes to her. The lyrics add insult to injury as earlier that day he snuck out of her room after the two had sex for the first time. Troy’s lack of commitment to his music matches his inability to commit to those relationships in his life that mean the most to him. 

Reality Bites is also where he first positioned himself as one of the great orators of modern cinema.” Take this early monologue, in which he outlines his beliefs to Winona Ryder’s would-be documentarian Lelaina Pierce: “There’s no point to any of this. It’s all just a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know, a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle, and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.” 

Hawke brings the same intense gaze to this performance as he did to Dead Poets Society, as if his eyes could swallow the world whole. But where Todd’s body language was walled-off, Troy’s is loud and boisterous. He’s quick to see the faults of those around him, but also the good things the world has to offer. It’s a pretty honest depiction of how self-centered your early-20s tend to be, where riding your own melt seems like the best option. As the film progresses, Troy lets others in, saying to Lelaina, “This is all we need. A couple of smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You, me and five bucks.”

Like the character, Hawke was in his early twenties and as he would continue to philosophize through other characters, they would age along with him and so would their takes on the world. If you only engage with anyone at one phase in their life, you do a disservice to the arc of human existence. We have the ability to grow and change as we learn who we are and become less self-centered. In Hawke’s career, there’s no better example of this than his multi-film turn as Jesse in the Before Trilogy. While the creation of Jesse and Celine are credited to writer-director Richard Linklater and his writing partner Kim Krizan, much of what made it to the screen even as early as the first film were filtered through the life experiences of Hawke and his co-star Julie Delpy. 

In a Q&A with Jess Walter promoting his most recent novel A Bright Ray of Darkness, Hawke said that Jesse from the Before Trilogy is like an alt-universe version of himself, and through them we can see the self-awareness and curiosity present in the early ET interview grow into the the kind of man Keating from Dead Poets Society urged his students to become. 

In Before Sunrise, Hawke’s Jesse is roughly the same age as Troy in Reality Bites, and as such is still in a narcissistic phase of his life. After spending several romantic hours with Celine in Vienna, the two share their thoughts about relationships. Celine says she wants to be her own person, but that she also desperately wants to love and be loved. Jesse shares this monologue, “Sometimes I dream about being a good father and a good husband. And sometimes it feels really close. But then other times it seems silly, like it would ruin my whole life. And it’s not just a fear of commitment or that I’m incapable of caring or loving because. . . I can. It’s just that, if I’m totally honest with myself, I think I’d rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way than that I’d just been in a nice, caring relationship.”

The film ends without the audience knowing if Jesse and Celine ever see each other again. That initial shock is unfortunately now not quite as impactful if you are aware of the sequels. But I think it is an astute look at two people who meet when they are still discovering who they are. Still growing. Jesse, at least, is definitely not ready for any kind of commitment. Then of course, we find out in Before Sunset that he’s fumbled his way into marriage and fatherhood, and while he’s excelling at the latter, he’s failing at the former. 

As in Reality Bites, Hawke explores the dynamics of band life again in Before Sunset, when Jesse recalls to Celine how he was in a band, but they were too obsessed with getting a deal to truly enjoy the process of making music. He says to her, “You know, it's all we talked about, it was all we thought about, getting bigger shows, and everything was just...focused on the future, all the time. And now, the band doesn't even exist anymore, right? And looking back at the... at the shows we did play, even rehearsing... You know, it was just so much fun! Now I'd be able to enjoy every minute of it.”

The filming of Before Sunset happened to coincide with the dissolution of Hawke’s first marriage. And while these films are not autobiographical, everyone involved have stated that they’ve added personal elements to their characters. They even poke fun at it in the opening scene when a journalist asks how autobiographical Jesse’s novel is. True to form, he responds with a monologue, “Well, I mean, isn’t everything autobiographical? I mean, we all see the world through our own tiny keyhole, right? I mean, I always think of Thomas Wolfe, you know. Have you ever seen that little one page note to reader in the front of Look Homeward, Angel, right? You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, he says that we are the sum of all the moments of our lives, and that, anybody who sits down to write is gonna use the clay of their own life, that you can’t avoid that.”

While Before Sunset was shot in 2003, released in 2004 and this monologue refers to the fictional book within the trilogy entitled This Time, Hawke would take this same approach more than a decade later with his novel A Bright Ray of Darkness.

In the novel, Hawke crafts a quasi-autobiographical story, using his experience in theater to work through the perspective he now has on his failed marriage to Uma Thurman. Much like Jesse in Before Sunset, Hawke is reluctant to call the book autobiographical, but the parallels to his own divorce are evident. And as Jesse paraphrased Wolfe, isn’t everything we do autobiographical? In the book, movie star William Harding has blown up his seemingly picture-perfect marriage with a pop star by having an affair while filming on location in South Africa. The book, structured in scenes and acts like a play, follows the aftermath as he navigates his impending divorce, his relationship with his small children, and his performance as Hotspur in a production of Henry IV on Broadway. 

Throughout much of the novel, William looks back at the mistakes he made that led to the breakup of his marriage. He’s now in his 30s and has the clarity to see how selfish he was in his 20s. Hawke, however, was in his forties while writing the book. Through the layers of hindsight, you can feel how Hawke has processed not just the painful emotional growth spurt of his 20s, but also the way he can now mine the wisdom that comes from true reflection. Still, as steeped as the novel is in self-reflection, it does not claim to have all the answers. In fact, it offers William, as well as the readers, more questions to contemplate than it does answers.

The wisdom to know that you will never quite understand everything is broached by Hawke early in the third film in the Before Trilogy, 2013’s Before Midnight. At this point in their love story, Jesse’s marriage has ended and he and Celine are parents to twin girls. Jesse has released two more books: That Time, which recounts the events of the previous film, and Temporary Cast Members of a Long-Running But Little Seen Production of a Play Called Fleeting. Before Midnight breaks the bewitching spell of the first two films by adding more cast members and showing the friction that comes with an attempt to grow old with someone. When discussing his three books, a young man says the title of his third is too long, Jesse says it wasn’t as well loved, and an older professor friend says it’s his best book because it’s more ambitious. It seems Linklater and company already knew how the departure of this third film might be regarded by fans. But it is this very departure that shows their commitment to honestly showing the passage of time and our relationship to it. 

About halfway through the film Jesse and Celine depart the Greek villa where they have been spending the summer, and we finally get a one-on-one conversation like we’re used to with these films. In one exchange, I feel they summarize the point of the entire trilogy, and possibly Hawke’s entire ethos: 

Jesse: Every year, I just seem to get a little bit more humbled and more overwhelmed about all the things I’m never going to know or understand. 

Celine: That’s what I keep telling you. You know nothing!

Jesse: I know, I know! I'm coming around! 

[Celine and Jesse laugh.] 

Celine: But not knowing is not so bad. I mean, the point is to be looking, searching. To stay hungry, right?

Throughout the series, Linklater, Delpy, and Hawke explore what they call the “transient nature of everything.” Jesse says his books are less about time and more about perception. It’s the rare person who can assess themselves or the world around them acutely in the present. For most of us, it takes time and self-reflection to come to any sort of understanding about our own nature. Before Midnight asks us to look back at the first two films with honesty, to remove the romantic lens with which they first appeared to us. It asks us to reevaluate what romance even truly is. 

Hawke explores this same concept again in the 2018 romantic comedy Juliet, Naked. In this adaptation of the 2009 Nick Hornby novel, Hawke plays a washed-up singer-songwriter named Tucker Crowe. He had a big hit album, Juliet, in the early ‘90s and then disappeared into obscurity. Rose Bryne plays a woman named Annie whose longtime boyfriend Duncan is obsessed with the singer and the album, stuck on the way the bummer songs about a bad breakup make him feel. As the film begins, Annie reveals that she thinks she’s wasted 15 years of her life with this schmuck. This being a rom-com, we know that Hawke and Byrne’s characters will eventually meet-cute. What’s so revelatory about the film is its raw depiction of how hard it is for many to reassess who they really are later in life. 

Duncan is stuck as the self-obsessed, self-pitying person he likely was when Annie first met him, but she reveals he was so unlike anyone else in her remote town that she looked the other way for far too long. Now it’s almost too late. By chance, she connects with Crowe and finds a different kind of man.

See, when Crowe wrote Juliet, he also was a navel-gazing twentysomething whose emotional development had not yet reached the point of being able to see both sides in a romantic entanglement. He worked through his heartbreak through art, and though it spoke to other people, he didn’t think about the woman or her feelings on the subject. In a way, Crowe’s music sounds a bit like what Reality Bites’s Troy Dyer may have written, if he ever had the drive to actually work at his music. Eventually, it’s revealed that Crowe walked away from it all when Julie, the woman who broke his heart, confronted him with their child—something he was well aware of, but from which he had been running away. Faced with the harsh reality of his actions and the ramifications they had on the world beyond his own feelings, he ran even farther away from responsibility. In telling the story to Annie, he says, “I couldn’t play any of those songs anymore, you know? After that, I just... I couldn’t play these insipid, self-pitying songs about Julie breaking my heart. You know, they were a joke. And before I know it, a couple of decades have gone by and some doctor hands me... hands me Jackson. I hold him, you know, and I look at him. And I know that this boy. . . is my last chance.”

When we first meet Crowe, he’s now dedicated his life to raising his youngest son, having at this point messed up with four previous children. The many facets of parenthood is something that shows up in Hawke’s later body of work many times, in projects as wholly different as Brooklyn’s Finest, Before Midnight, Boyhood, Maggie’s Plan, First Reformed, and even his novel A Bright Ray of Darkness. In each of these projects, decisions made by Hawke’s characters have a big impact on their children’s lives. These films explore the financial pressures of parenthood, the quirks of blended families, the impact of absent fathers, and even the tragedy of a father’s wishes acquiesced without question. Hawke’s take on parenthood is that of flawed men always striving to overcome the worst of themselves for the betterment of the next generation, often with mixed results. 

Where Juliet, Naked showed a potential arc of redemption for a father gone astray, First Reformed paints a bleaker portrait. Hawke plays Pastor Toller, a man of the cloth struggling with his own faith who attempts to counsel an environmental activist whose impending fatherhood has driven him to suicidal despair. Toller himself is struggling under the weight of fatherhood, believing he sent his own son to die a needless death in a morally bankrupt war. Sharing the story, he says “My father taught at VMI. I encouraged my son to enlist. It was the family tradition. Like his father, his grandfather. Patriotic tradition. My wife was very opposed. But he enlisted against her wishes. . . .  Six months later he was killed in Iraq. There was no moral justification for this conflict. My wife could not live with me after that. Who could blame her? I left the military. Reverend Jeffers at Abundant Life Church heard about my situation. They offered me a position at First Reformed. And here I am.” How do we carry the weight of actions that affect lives that are not even our own? 

If Peter Weir set the father figure template in Dead Poets Society, and Paul Schrader explored the consequences of direct parental influence on their children’s lives, director Richard Linklater subverts the idea of a mentor-guide in Boyhood, showing both parents are as lost as the kid himself. When young Mason (Ellar Coltrane) asks his dad (Hawke) what’s the point of everything, his reply is “I sure as shit don’t know. Nobody does. We’re all just winging it.” As the film ends, Mason sits atop a mountain with a new friend he’s made in the dorms discussing time. She says that everyone is always talking about seize the moment—carpe diem!—but she thinks it’s the other way around. That the moments seize us. In Reality Bites, Troy gets annoyed at Lelaina’s constant need to “memorex” everything with her camcorder, yet Boyhood is a film about capturing a life over a 12-year period. The Before Trilogy checks in on Jesse and Celine every nine years. Hawke’s entire career. in fact, has captured his growth from an awkward teen to a prolific artist and devoted father, a master of his craft and philosopher at heart. 

[nightingaelic]

Not a good idea, maybe, but still... NV Followers' reaction to how the Courier tells the follower that sometimes all their adventures seem like a kind of deathbed dream to them (a bullet in the head after all...)

Just know, anon, that I am strongly resisting the urge to go full Shane Madej and Ryan Bergara with every single one of these reactions.

"Maybe this is all just... me." The courier waved their hand through the scorching air, tracing the shimmering line of the horizon that sang false promises of water. "A mirage. An oasis in the desert that I can't quite reach, but my eyes keep telling me is there if I just walk far enough."

Their hand went to the scar on their forehead. "I don't know. The things I've seen, since Goodsprings... if I told them to half the people in the Mojave, they'd toss me in the same shack as No-bark. HELIOS One? The Burned Man, in the crispy flesh? Jason Bright and his followers? Hell, the Sierra Madre? How do I know I didn't actually bite the dust in that graveyard, and all of this is the work of the bullet Benny put in my noggin?"

Arcade Gannon: "I guess there isn't a very convincing way I can answer that question," Arcade admitted. "But the fact that I know exactly how close you came to dying could be some evidence to the contrary. I doubt you were walking around with much medical knowledge about cranial vulnus sclopetarium prior to encountering it firsthand."

The courier looked somewhat interested, so the researcher continued hesitantly. "Did that doctor who checked you out not explain what happened to your brain? It's honestly a miracle that you're still walking around."

"I might've been a little preoccupied with the shock of being awake," the courier admitted. "Here, show me."

They guided Arcade's hand to the wound site, which he felt gingerly, trying not to awaken any pain. "Okay, close, very close range, left side... trajectory was too high, so it missed the speech center... probably sustained the most damage in the frontal and parietal lobes... well that tracks, that would affect problem-solving skills and spatial relationships..."

"Arcade?"

"Mm-hm?"

The courier grinned. "Just keep talking to me in Latin and I'll stop caring whether I'm dead or not. It sounds nice."

Arcade blushed.

Craig Boone: "Mmm." Boone pondered the thought, but immediately felt the shadow of guilt fall over his shoulders. Had any of his targets felt that way as they lay dying? Had Carla? He tried to shake the feeling off before it reached his face.

The courier, for their part, didn't notice, or at least knew enough to pretend not to notice. "That snake Benny was using a handgun, too, and who knows what caliber," they said, looking off into the distance.

"Low," Boone offered.

"Come again?"

"The bullet," Boone clarified. "It's still in your head. Slow and small caliber, if you're not already dead from it."

"But I could already be dead from it."

"Nah."

The courier looked as though they wanted to probe further, but Boone straightened his sunglasses and walked past them, signaling that the conversation was over. Headshot wounds, hypotheticals, they weren't his strong suit, but he did know one thing: The orders he had followed and the lives he had ended were far too real to be the figment of some Mojave wastelander's imagination.

Lily Bowen: "Come now, dearie, you're giving your imagination too much credit." Lily patted the courier lightly on the shoulder. Well, as lightly as a nightkin could. "Grandma's seen many strange things too, ever since she left the vault behind."

The courier smiled. "Stranger than the ones I've seen? Like what?"

Lily made an ugly face. "I saw many things when working for the Master. Golden geckos in Klamath. Ghosts in Baja. The Master himself, with his brain in the computers and the computers in his brain."

"Eugh." The courier mimicked the face Lily was making. "One of those, huh? Always seemed unsanitary to me."

"Good things too," Lily went on wistfully. "I saw Marcus' first city, when it was big and full of people. Humans, but also super mutants, ghouls. How I would have liked to take Becky and Jimmy there."

Her voice faltered a little, remembering the grandchildren that had been lost, left behind long ago. The courier reached out and took her hand. "I'm here, Lily."

After the memory passed, Lily returned to her smiling self. "You are, pumpkin. We're here together."

Raul Alfonso Tejada: "I know how you feel, boss." Raul sighed. "There are plenty of things in my past that I can't help but question the authenticity of. All I can say is that after a while, you stop asking and just go along for the ride."

"Right." The courier crossed their arms. "I suppose it's not that different a mindset from becoming a ghoul. Time stretching on in front of you, no clear end in sight, no expectation there will ever be one."

"Eh." Raul shrugged. "That might just be a mindset of mine. I stopped worrying about dying a long time ago. Or maybe I was looking for it, but never managed to find it. Either way, time doesn't bother me the way it used to."

"But it still does?"

"Sí. Now I worry more that I'll forget the crazy things I've seen altogether, or that they don't mean anything."

The young courier looked like they weren't quite ready to ponder that possibility. They stood together in silence for a while, watching the horizon's haze.

"Should we keep going?" the courier finally asked, shouldering their pack.

"Desde luego."

Rose of Sharon Cassidy: "Sometimes I wonder the same thing," Cass replied with a nod. "Well, not the exact same thing, but somethin' similar. Plenty of times in my life, I've woken up in someone else's bed or on the floor of a bar and wondered if I actually survived the fight I was in the night before, or if I finally drank enough to make my heart stop. It's a strange feeling, but then someone douses me in water or slaps me too hard on the ass and the pain of the wakin' world creeps back in, little by little."

"Do you slap them back?" the courier joked, chuckling.

"Them and the world," Cass confirmed. "I always figured if I'd actually died in my sleep, why bother makin' up some desert full of sadness and sunburns to fill my time? Had enough of that in life, so I can't see my mind keepin' it around. Much rather conjure up a house by the beach somewhere, with a basement full of caps and enough booze to last me 'til the bombs fall again."

The courier eyed her mischievously. "Maybe you're in hell."

Cass held her canteen up. "Well then. To bein' stuck in hell with a true friend."

She drank, long and deep, and the courier retrieved their canteen to do the same.

Veronica Santangelo: "Oh, Six." Veronica's face filled with sympathy. "Is that really what you think about, when you're trying to sleep at night in the casino and Cass is snoring in the bed next to you?"

The courier blinked. "Cass snores?"

"How have you not noticed?" Veronica pulled her power fist off and flexed her fingers, re-stimulating her circulation as best she could. "Arcade said he wanted to trade with me, after Boone had his second night terror incident, but he changed his mind again after one night of her racket. At this point, I'm used to it. When she's not around, I have trouble sleeping, can you believe that? Brotherhood bunks really prepared me for the Lucky 38."

"No, I hadn't noticed." The courier sat down on a nearby rock and stretched their legs out. "I guess I haven't been there much, lately."

Veronica sat down next to them. "You know, the more often you're gone having adventures around the desert, the more crazy things you're going to see. People who rest on their laurels and stick to the Strip don't lie awake wondering if they actually died back when they choked on those buffalo gourd seeds at The Gourmand."

"Touché."

ED-E: The eyebot let out a few beeps of disagreement and rolled from side to side in mid-air, indicating as best it could that in its experience, being shot in the dome was a good method for scrambling circuitry but was actually terrible for fusing new connections. The courier laughed and reached out to rub the robot's side. "Thanks, buddy. Maybe I'm right, or maybe reality is just a weird place."

ED-E beeped its satisfaction and bounced forward as if chasing the mirage. The courier trailed after the eyebot, their giggles blowing out with the wind into the desert for all to hear.

Rex: The old cyberdog whined and licked its companion's hand, uncertain what they were asking. Any dreams the canine had were good ones, long runs over grassy plains and prey that was always a hair too slow. Life with the courier was good too, but full of many more dangers than a savannah dotted with rabbits and deer. The courier scratched the dog on his ruff affectionately, before continuing over the hot sand toward their destination. Rex followed behind, happy and panting.

[wiypt-writes]

Stark Spangled Banner

Stab Me In The Front Part 3: The Redemption Of Ransom Drysdale.

Intro: It’s the Public Launch of Harlan’s book and SIP have pulled all the stops out. Once again there’s a clash of wills between Katie and Ransom, but this one is firmly a score draw…

Warnings: Bad language. Mentions of rape and violence.

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC Katie Stark

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Katie Stark and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

A/N: Huge thanks to @angrybirdcr​ for the banner!

Part 2

Stark Spangled Banner Masterlist // Main Masterlist

November 2015

Fiasco.

That was the only word to describe the operation in Dubrovnik

The computer banks they were working on exploded as soon as Sam and Rhodey tried to extract any information. Thrown backwards, stunned, they luckily escaped any severe damage thanks to their armour but it didn’t stop Steve from worrying.

"You okay?" he asked, stepping forward as they both straightened up.

The movement saved the Captain’s life. There was no pop of breaking glass or crack of gunfire as alll the windows in the room had been blown out in the explosion, and no doubt the gun had a silencer. The only sound alerting any of them to the fact something had happened was Steve's pained grunt as he went to his knees.

Sam dropped with him, forcing him below the level of the window sill as he tried to stand again.

"Don't move," he ordered, as his hand pressed to Steve’s back, blood seeping out through his fingers.

Natasha sent three bullets speeding on their way before Rhodey tore past, shattering what was left of the window on his way out.

"Sam," Steve protested, trying to get up, but Sam pushed further, shaking his head.

"They're fine," he said firmly, "they've got this. Just stay down until I can tell how bad this is."

Natasha walked over, kneeling down. “Cap, you need evac?" she asked, but Steve shook his head firmly.

"I'm okay," he panted.

Natasha glanced over at Sam and he nodded to her as she started to talk into the coms.

"Evans, get in here with a couple of those compression bandages. Cap's been hit."

Reluctantly, Steve settled under Sam’s hands, face drawn with pain and concentration, completely focused on his team as ever.  Sam kept his hand pressed against his back trying to stop the bleeding.

“That bullet should have killed you.” Natasha said grimly as she looked at the trajectory. “If you hadn’t moved…”

“Thanks Romanoff…” his said between gritted teeth, fighting the urge to roll his eyes.

“What I’m trying to say…” She repeated patiently. “Is that this was a set up…whoever he is, he’s got a hell of a grudge.”

Steve groaned again. Not least because of the agony in his back from the wound but also the realisation that he had been so stupid. They should have spotted this was as set up right from the start. Fucking Crossbones and his stupid fucking hockey mask…why would he want to target an old warehouse of all places?

And he’d made the decision to go in shorthanded as well. Katie was busy prepping the ‘Colour of Revenge’ launch which was due to take place in little under a week, Vision and Wanda had remained at base, neither of them particularly ready for a field operation, Wanda still working on channelling her powers and Vision…well, he was still ridiculously conspicuous. And, as they’d initially decided it was recon only, Steve had pulled Natasha, Rhodey and Sam in on the job along with a couple of the support staff, thinking it would be a quick in and out to gather intel on what it is Crossbones is intending on stealing next.

Rhodey’s voice crackled over the connection. "Um, guys?" He sounded oddly grave. "We've got civilians."

Steve didn't wait for the bandages. He twisted out from under Sam’s grip and bolted for the doors, barking instructions to the support team, ignoring Sam’s calls as he ran.

“You all need to get back inside!” Rhodey was instructing as Steve emerged from the building, voice loud from the speakers on his suit “This is not a drill. For your safety, step inside."

“It’s Captain America…” Steve heard someone say as he began to stride forward, Sam and Natasha hot in his heels,

“No sign…”  Rhodey turned to him. “You alright?”

“Perfectly.” Steve said, his mouth thin before he turned to the crowd. Thankfully, at that point the local authorities had arrived having been called by the support team, and Steve pushed through the throng of people to speak to them.

“How is he really?” Rhodey asked, looking at Natasha then Sam.

“Being stubborn…” Sam said, scanning the surroundings as the civilians reluctantly began trickling indoors, directed by the Police on Steve’s instructions. 

Ironically it was the suddenly widened eyes of the bystanders around him that was the only warning they got as to what was coming. Sam just managed to spin round extending his wings to shield Natasha from the shot as another one bounced off Rhodey’s suit.

“Take cover!” Rhodey said as he took off, followed by Sam. The pair scanning for a shooter.

The screams and various yells from the public rang out all over the area and it was then that Steve felt himself run cold. One of the bystanders was down, blood seeping from a wound in his abdomen. As he watched the medics moved in Steve tapped Evans on the shoulder.

“Keep the emergency crews covered” he instructed, looking up to see Sam and Rhodey circling the sky. "Rhodey, Sam report," 

"No sign of anyone Cap" Sam announced wearily, "He must have taken that last shot and gone.”

With a frustrated groan Steve spun back towards the Emergency relief to coordinate with their chief with regards to a clear up.

**** "You know, when a man gets shot, he's supposed to accept medical assistance before running back into a fight," Katie looked at Steve as he walked down the ramp of the jet. “Why are you not on a gurney?” “Because my legs work.”

“Steve…” she sighed gently, “I’ve been so worried.” “Which is why I told them not to call you.” he looked at her softly.

“Yeah, not gonna fly.” she shook her head “That’s not the deal and you know it. You better not have shouted at Sam too much.” “Define too much.” Sam quipped as he walked past and Steve rolled his eyes before he turned to the man.

“We need to…” he only got 3 words into his sentence before Katie shut him down.

“No, you need medical.” she said, in a tone that meant it was not up for debate. Steve glanced down at her and gave a resigned sigh, and then winced involuntarily at the movement. “Come on” she said gently, nudging her self under his arm as she guided him away from the jet and across the landing pad, through to the facility. Once inside she pushed the button for the elevator.

“You don’t have to put on a brave face in front of me.” she looked at him and immediately his body language changed.

“I know.” he said softly “But it ain’t the first time I’ve been shot. It tends to happen.” Katie glared at him as he looked down at her, eyebrow raised slightly “Yeah, and the last time I nearly lost you.” “I’m fine.” he insisted, his face softening as she stared at him, green eyes alight with worry. “You know, I still have an old bullet…” “Yeah, yeah, it’s embedded too deep near your spine to be easily removed.” she said, “I know, you told me that when we first started hanging out. Remember? It kept setting off the metal detector in Tony's lab.” Steve gave a huff of laughter, instantly regretting it as the movement jostled his wound.

“Tony was pissed because he couldn’t figure out what was doing it.” Katie watched him “I think you took pity on him after a month as he was threatening to have them all ripped out and replaced.”

“See, I did have a sense of humour back then after all.” Steve chuckled a little as the elevator arrived, immediately stopping as another sharp pain shot up his back.

“I never said otherwise.” Katie smiled, bustling him into the elevator when it opened, slapping the button for the medical floor. As the elevator doors shut, Steve leaned his shoulder and head against the wall. Now that they were alone and away from any of the staff that had been bustling about Katie knew he’d give in and sure enough, he took a deep breath and gave a small cry of pain. She moved behind him and started undoing the buckles of his harness, letting the heavy straps slide forward over his shoulders and fall to the floor.

"Sam would be joking about this for years if he knew." Steve mumbled as Katie started working on his gloves. "You taking my clothes off in the elevator."

"Not the first time.” she replied calmly, pulling off the second glove and sweeping up the tangled mess of items from the floor. The doors opened and she took her place back under his arm.

"Come on, let's get you fixed up before you heal over that bullet entirely."

Peggy had told Katie once about how she had dug a bullet out from Steve’s thigh during the War with no morphine as the supply was so limited and, as he needed about 4 times the dose for it to do anything, he had insisted they saved it for the others. Now, he didn’t refuse the pain killers or the anaesthetic as the medics put him under to remove the bullet, although he probably would have done given half a chance, which thankfully he wasn’t. They were done in under an hour and he was left to recover in one of the rooms. Katie took a call from Tony, assuring him that Steve was ok and settled in a chair by his side, flicking through the tablet which held the final details of the organisation for the book launch.

It was an hour or so later when she was half way through putting the finishing touches to her speech that a slightly slurred mumble from the bed to her right took her attention.

"Hey pretty girl."

Katie smiled.

"You probably say that to all the ladies," she teased, reaching out to take his hand. He smiled at her touch and something tender stirred in his unguarded eyes.

"Just the one I'm married to," he countered, eyelids fluttering as he fought off the effects of the drug. Then he frowned. "Don't suppose you can stop the walls from wobbling?"

Katie felt her lips twitch with amusement as she stood up and reached to turn the IV drip containing his anaesthetic down a touch. Steve’s eyes almost immediately began to focus as his powerful metabolism worked to clear up the drugs in his system. He shifted uncomfortably and tried to sit up, but Katie’s hand on his chest stopped him at once.

"Lie down, Badass," she ordered firmly. "Even you don't get over a bullet to the back that easily."

With a sigh, he lay back, eyes intent on her face, bringing up his hand to cover her left on his chest, his fingers gently skating over the rings that adorned her finger. "You okay?" 

“I am now you’re awake.” she smiled “This is the second time you’ve been shot on me.” “Sorry, I’ll try not to make it so awful for you next time.” he quipped.

“Err, I’d rather there wasn’t a next time full stop, thanks.” Katie looked back at him and he smiled back at her before he nodded to the tablet that was resting on the bed by his side

“What you working on?” “My speech for the launch. Just about done.” “So you’re not winging?” He asked and she chuckled.

“Too much to say, although I’ll probably end up improvising some of it.” she shrugged. “And that is another reason you need to make sure you’re properly healed.”

“I’ll be right as rain in a day or so, I promise.”

“Good, because I can’t have my soldier unable to dance with me now can I?”

Steve smiled at his wife and reached up with his hand, to gently brush her face “No, we can’t.”

***** True to his word, thanks to the serum Steve was back on his feet the next day, but was instructed to take it slow for a while, which was easier said than done when you had the constant energy and drive he did. However, one stern gaze from Katie when he offered to help her set up for the launch was enough to make him retreat to their quarters, hands up in surrender, Sam’s loud guffaws at the way he’d literally quivered under his wife’s gaze like some sort of naughty kid echoing in his ears.

Now, he was stood in The Rainbow Rooms, simply admiring his wife as she moved around. She was dressed in a stunning floor length midnight blue lace dress, embellished with beading and detail. The plunge neckline gave him a perfect view of her cleavage (and everyone else for that matter, not that Steve cared, she was his, he knew that) and it hugged all of her perfect curves and pooled on the floor around her high heel clad feet. She’d blown him away when she’d emerged from the room before, hair elegantly twisted up, make up immaculately applied and that flash of scarlet lipstick she wore had almost sent him over the edge.

The fact she looked utterly stunning was one thing, but the other was that it never ceased to amaze Steve how at home she was at big events like this. He watched her, a swell of pride in his chest as she milled around with Tony and her Chief Editor, a nice man that Steve liked called David Jones, welcoming people to the launch. She introduced Steve to Harlan, the author, who he had instantly liked and it had left him completely puzzled about how a man like that had such an insufferable shit as a grandson. Mind you, he hadn’t been overly enamoured with Ransom’s parents to be fair. Linda seemed far too full of herself and as for his father, a grey haired weasel of a man called Richard…well, the way his eyes had blatantly travelled over Katie had set Steve’s teeth on edge. Katie hadn’t missed the way Steve’s arm had curled protectively round her waist and his lips had brushed softly against her temple in a display of gentle possessiveness and she’d simply grinned up at him and flashed him a wink, letting him know he was well and truly busted. But did he care? Not one damned iota.

As more guests arrived Katie excused herself to go and speak to the Compare for the evening, checking her timings for when her speech would be taking place, which was when Tony’s attention was drawn to Evans who was manning the door. There was a strict guest list, and it looked like he was arguing with someone who was trying to get in. Excusing himself from his current conversation he strode over.

“Evans?” Tony asked as he drew up besides the man.

“Mr Stark, this man is trying to gain entry…”

“I’m telling you, Harlan is my grandfather…” “Your grandfather could be the King of England, Sir.” Evans responded drily “You’re not on the guest list so I can’t let you in…” “This is bullshit!”

“Sorry, who did you say you are?” Tony asked, knowing full well who he was after Katie had told him all about her encounter with him in Boston. He looked Ransom up and down, taking in his long black coat which he wore open over an expensive suit, blue and black striped woollen scarf draped round his neck. But it was his face that really drew Tony’s attention. Katie had been right, he did have an uncanny resemblance to Spangles. Differences were there, but still…

“Ransom Drysdale.” Ransom responded, his teeth grit together.

“Oh, you’re the mush whose ass my sister kicked in Boston!” Tony nodded, raising an eyebrow “What you doing here?” “This is my Grandfathers’ book launch.” Ransom glared back at Tony, his jaw twitching.  “Well last I heard your grandfather approved the guest list and you’re not on it. At least I don’t think you are.” Tony made to move and took the clipboard off Evans, glancing at the names “Nope, don’t see anything down here for Felonius Gru…”

“You mean Felonius Hugh.” a voice spoke and both Tony and Evans wheeled round to see Katie stood there hands on her hips. Ransom gave a snort as he looked back at her “What are you doing here?” “I was in the area.” He shrugged.

Katie took a deep breath and stared at him, the last time she had seen him he had been on the floor getting his coat defiled by a dog. As the image stirred in her memory she smirked a little before she sighed and glanced around. There were too many people here, too many reporters to make as scene and she didn’t want the night to be overshadowed by some spoilt shit of a man who she had no doubt would get fairly loud if this little stand-off continued.

“Let him in.” She said to Tony and Evans.

Tony looked at her “You sure Kiddo?” “Yeah.” She nodded, her eyes not moving from Ransom’s.

“Your funeral.” Tony said, stepping back. Evans did the same and Ransom strode past them both, an infuriatingly smug look plastered on his harsh features.

“Cloak room is over there.” she directed him to her right.

“Thanks.” he muttered. She paused to look at him, frowning. He rolled his eyes. “What?”

“You, I didn’t know you had manners.” “I’m not a complete heathen.” he shot back, removing his coat.

“Could have fooled me.” she shrugged, “By the way, I’d kinda like my reputation to be unsullied after tonight so please try not to demand all the staff call you Hugh, it won’t look good on me or my company if they realise I’ve allowed in a complete douchebag.” With that she turned and headed back into the main room, making straight for Steve who was stood chatting to Wanda and slipped her arms round him from behind, underneath his blue tux. He glanced down at her and smiled.

“Hey, was wondering where you had gotten to.”

“We had a gate-crasher.” she said.

“Gate-crasher?” he instantly spun round “Why didn’t you come get me?” “Because Tony, Evans and I handled it…well, sorta.” “Sorta?” he frowned even further.

“I let him in.” “Why would you do that?”

“Because he would cause a scene if he wasn’t admitted, plus he’s full of shit anyway as we well know.” “We well know? Just who…” Steve trailed off as he looked around the room and spotted Ransom strolling in like he owned the place “Oh hell, no!”

With that he set off walking towards the man, his strides purposeful. He was fuming at the out and out audacity that this utter, utter prick had shown in turning up, especially after everything he had said and done in Boston, not to mention the fact he had dared to grab Katie that day when she was leaving his Grandfather’s house.

“You’ve got some nerve.” he spat.

“Hey, look, don’t rip another one of my shirts.” Ransom said, lazily “This wasn’t a cheap one either.” “Your shirt is going to be the least of your worries, trust me.” Steve snarled, his hands falling to the buckle of his belt.

“Steve.” Katie gently grabbed his arm, feeling the furious energy radiating off him in waves. “Please Soldier, don’t cause a fuss. The press are here and, I’ve worked so hard for tonight.” Steve took a deep breath and looked at his wife. Her face was pleading with him. Fuck, she was right. He didn’t want to ruin what she’d spent so long preparing for, not when it meant something so personal.

“Fine.” he said, a little gruffly. He glared at Ransom and took a step forward so that he was eye to eye with the man “But just for the record, you so much as lay one finger on my wife again, I will rip you limb from limb.” There was a silence as Ransom’s face slipped ever so slightly before he recovered and held his hands up.

“Understood.” he said.

Steve’s eyes held the man’s gaze for a few more seconds before he looked down to Katie, his expression and face softening as she looked at him with those eyes he would never tire of seeing. “I’m going to get a drink, you want one sweetheart?”

“Gin and Tonic, please. I’ll come over in a minute.” she said. He took a deep breath, not entirely happy she was staying to talk to the self-absorbed asshole but he nodded. Dropping a kiss to her cheek he shot Ransom one last glare before he headed off to the bar.

"You’re doing it wrong," Ransom said, shaking his head as he watched Steve walk away.

"Doing what wrong?" Katie frowned, turning to him.

"Marriage," he answered shortly, looking at her. "You should be fighting about the colour of your drapes or his latest affair that you’re desperate to ignore or something."

“Well if that doesn't say something about your parents…" Katie trailed off.

Ransom snorted “My parents are all kinds of fucked up Doll, trust me.” he took a deep breath

Katie sighed “Look, I’m only letting you stay because I know what a scene you’d have caused otherwise, not to mention how it would make your Grandfather feel…” Ransom shook his head, dropping his gaze slightly before he looked back at her “I’m not here to cause trouble and I genuinely was in the area. It’s just, well, this would be the first of his launches I’ve missed in years.” “Oh my God you do have a heart.” She said, looking at him.

“Don’t tell everyone.” He said with a shrug, “Listen, the last time we met, I wasn’t… well, I guess, you rubbed me up the wrong way…” he trailed off somewhat lamely, shrugging. “That’s about as much of an apology as I’m gonna get isn’t it?” Katie said after a pause. “I wasn’t apologising.” Ransom sniffed. “Simply stating facts.”

“Oh go fuck yourself with a cactus.” Katie shook her head causing Ransom to throw his head back in laughter. And it was genuine laughter too, Katie was surprised to see. His eyes crinkled up and his entire body shook. She waited for him to calm down before she looked at him, a faint smile on her face. “Here was me thinking you’d actually shown some remorse!”

“Well, to be fair, you left me on the ground where the dog pissed on my coat and left a knife in my tyre.” Ransom’s laughter died down and he looked at her, his eyebrow raised.

“Then we’re even.” Katie shrugged. She nodded to where Ransom’s Grandfather was stood observing them and Ransom followed her gaze. The old man took a deep breath and gave him a questioning look.

“Suppose I best go explain why I’m here.” Ransom sighed, and Katie was surprised to find he was actually coming across as slightly nervous. His hands were shoved in his trouser pockets but she could see from the way his shoulders had slumped slightly, and his arms were twitching which made her think that that he was balling and un-balling his fists. Maybe there was a slightly softer side hidden under that brisk exterior after all.

“You want my advice?” She looked at him.

“Not really but something tells me you’re gonna give it me anyway.” he said, his eyes turning back to her.

“Try being honest.” Katie suggested, her tone slightly softer. “Tell your Granddad you’re here for him. You might be pleasantly surprised.”

Ransom snorted but didn’t reply. Giving her one more appraising look and a small jerk of a nod he headed off to join his family before Katie made her way to Steve who was waiting for her at the bar. **** When the time came, Katie took to the stage, welcoming everyone and inviting Harlan to say a few words. The old man accepted, smiling and spoke for a few moments about the book, his inspirations, and how honoured he was that the profits were being donated to such a worthwhile cause. There had been a few shared looks amongst the rest of his family, Ransom had noticed, much to his amusement, but he knew they’d save face and pretend they actually gave a shit about the people the money was going to help when all the time they were just thinking of their bank balances.

When his grandfather stepped down, he watched as Katie stepped forward, her insufferable husband watching her carefully, all doe eyed and so evidently in love… frankly it made him want to barf.

But then she started talking.

“Most of you here will know that I was missing last year as result of a mission gone wrong” Katie spoke, looking out across the audience. “In reality, I was…” She took a deep breath, before she licked her lips. “I was held captive and tortured for information on what the Avengers were doing. And when the usual methods of torture didn’t work, they moved on to trying other things. And given the charities we are supporting tonight, I’m sure you can all guess what those other things were.”

Shit. 

Suddenly her reaction to being grabbed by him outside the house made perfect sense. Hell, what was it he was feeling all of a sudden? Was that guilt?

 No, Ransom Drysdale didn’t do guilt…

“I was subjected to an ordeal that no one should have to suffer.” Katie continued, speaking clearly and calmly “But sadly, the figures speak for themselves. I won’t bore you with statistics but it truly is frightening. And something else I found frightening is that I didn’t even know about half the charities that exist to help people who find themselves subjected to the same ordeal. I was lucky. I have an amazing support network of friends, family, an amazing substitute father in my brother and a loving, wonderful husband, or fiancée as he was at the time, who I wouldn’t have coped without. To all of you, and Tony and Steve, I would never have gotten through any of this without your constant support and encouragement, and I love you all from the bottom of my heart.”

A small round of applause and mumblings spread across the room and Ransom cast his eyes over to the Captain who was stood not far from the stage, his eyes shining as he glanced up at his wife a look of sheer pride and adoration on his face.

Yep. Utterly sickening. But yet…what was that? Was he moved? 

No, Ransom Drysdale didn’t do sentiment…

“But the point is, not everyone is that lucky, which is why I wanted to do something positive, have something good come out out of what happened to me. Giving money to these causes is one thing but the most important way of ensuring people get the support that they need is to make the world aware they exist. By Mr Thrombey agreeing to let us use his book to create awareness, well this is the kind of publicity that money can’t buy, and for that I thank you sincerely Harlan.” She looked directly at his grandfather, who raised his glass in her direction, flashing the woman a smile.

“And now, because I know this will be repeated on various press platforms, I want to speak directly to anyone who is dealing with the after effects of rape, sexual assault or sexual violence. Be it having happened to you or someone you know. You probably feel broken, alone, like no one understands, maybe you blame yourself, or maybe you just don’t know what to do to help a person you love or care about deal with their trauma. These support networks exist for you, to help you, to lend an ear when you think no one else will listen or understand, to share your experiences with others going through the same thing. The first step is always the hardest, but sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you gotta, but take the step. Please, don’t suffer in silence. Thank you.”

She finished and the room erupted into applause and Ransom glanced at his Grandfather, before he too started clapping.

**** “Was it ok?” Katie whispered to Steve as he gently helped her down the steps again, the applause ringing around the room.

“Ok?” Steve looked at her, his eyes shining with emotion “Honey, you were amazing. I’m so, so Goddamned proud of you.” he pressed a kiss to her temple, his arm pulling her closer as the Compare once again took to the stand to announce the rest of the evening’s activities. There was an auction to be held to raise more funds, then the band would start, food would be available, and then the DJ would see the evening out.

After a hug from her friends, Katie took off to talk to a few of the reporters that were around and it felt like she had hardly spent any time with Steve before the DJ started signalling they were into the last hour of the night. That was when Harlan found her to come and bid her goodbye. She thanked him again, shook hands with all of his family, before she found herself face to face with Ransom.

“It was a, err, good speech.” He offered and she smiled, shrugging a little.

“Thank you.” She nodded, taking the praise for what it was.

“I erm, I had no idea about…” He gestured with his hands, a faint flush on his face

“Why would you? You don’t know me.”

“No but, if I had I wouldn’t, well, I wouldn’t have said what I did to you outside my grandfather’s.”

“Wouldn’t you?” She asked, curiously.

“No.” he said, sincerely “I get why you reacted like you did now. I’m sorry.” “Ok so this is an apology, just so we’re on the same page?”

“Yes, it’s an apology.” Ransom rolled his eyes.

“Well then I accept it.” She nodded. “Burying the hatchet huh?” “Or in this case knife” He drawled and she laughed “Preferably not in my tyre this time. Or my back come to think of it.” “I only stab people in the front” Katie quipped and he shook his head with a smirk.

“I don’t doubt it. Goodnight Mrs Rogers.” he said, holding out his hand. Katie looked at it for a moment before she took it, his grip surprisingly gentle.

“Goodnight Mr Drysdale.” “Call me Ransom.” he said, and with a last wink he headed off after his family.

“Weird.” Katie mumbled to herself, before she felt two arms circle her waist and a soft pair of lips pressing a kiss to her neck.

“He gone?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, he was…surprisingly nice” She mused, turning to face him “Apologised for his behaviour.” Steve snorted. “Like I said, weird.” Katie shrugged.“Anyway, is it time to dance yet?”

Steve laughed and allowed her to lead him out onto the dancefloor where he took her in his arms, the pair of the swaying to a fairly upbeat song.

“You know, I did some digging.” Steve said, as he revolved them both across the space

“Yeah?”

“The resemblance between us got me curious.”

“You’re nothing like him” Katie said “trust me.” “No, I know but looks…” Steve shrugged “Anyway, I had FRIDAY do some research and it turns out that there’s a Rogers way back on his mother’s line.”

“So you could actually be related?” Katie grinned.

“It’s possible. It would make me like his great, great uncle or something, maybe.” Steve mused as he twirled her round “But trust me when I say this, that’s one thread I really aint going to pull on!”

Katie laughed as the music slowed down and the opening bars to John Legend ‘You And I’ struck up. Steve smiled and pulled her closer, one large hand clasped around hers, the other on the bottom of her back.

“It reminds me of you this song.” he murmured as she lay her head on his chest.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…the fact you try on every single outfit you own before you decide what to wear.” “I do not.” she protested. At that he pulled back to look down at her and she looked up at him, “Ok, maybe I can be a little indecisive sometimes…” He chuckled and she moved back so she was pressed against him, as they gently swayed.

“If your mirror won’t make it any clearer I’ll be the one to let you know, Out of all of the girls, you’re my one and only girl,  aint no body in the world tonight, All of the stars, you make the shine like they were ours, Aint nobody in the world but you and I… You stop the room when we walk in, spot lights on, everybody’s staring, tell all of these boys they’re wasting their time stop standing in line, coz you’re all mine…” “Stevie…” she whispered and he looked down at her, blushing as he realised he’d been singing the words softly to her. She smiled up at him and pulled his face down to hers for a soft kiss. “Love you Soldier.” she whispered against his lips.

“Love you too baby girl…” he murmured back, before pressing his lips to hers for a deeper kiss.

“Wanna get out of here?” she looked up at him cheekily. “And leave your own gala?” he feigned shock and she smirked. “It’s my party, I’ll leave if I wanna.”

He didn’t need asking twice. Quickly and silently they headed to the cloakroom. Steve helped her into her jacket and then took her hand and led her out.

**** It was a few days later when the package arrived for her at the tower. Her secretary brought it in and Katie thanked her, forgetting all about it until she came back from lunch. Opening the box she frowned as she pulled out an envelope and a smaller box. Deciding to go with the smaller box as curiosity was getting the best of her she pulled off the lid and had to fight the loud laugh that was threatening to bubble from her chest. It was her knife, the one she’d thrown into Ransom’s tyre. Picking up the envelope she opened it and her mouth dropped open at the cheque that fluttered down onto the desk. It was for a total of Fifty Thousand Dollars, and was made out to her charity. After she stared at the numbers and the signature for a moment, she turned her attention to the note held in her right hand. The writing was actually fairly neat, but she would expect nothing less from the man who had sent it.

“I just wanted to say thank you for being part of something that pissed off my shithead family no end. Took a leaf out of your book and thought I’d put some of my trust fund to good use. It would have been slightly more but I had to replace a tyre. I was tempted to keep the knife as a souvenir but it’s quite a nice one so figured you might want it back.

Regards, Ransom

P.s. if you tell anyone I’m actually a decent person, I’ll kill you in your sleep.”

She read it and re-read it about 50 times, smiling to herself before she stood up and handed the cheque to her secretary, instructing her to have it sent to finance for the Charity Fund. She sank back into her chair, pondering something for a moment before she leaned forward and tapped at her keyboard top open up a blank webpage, biting her lip and smiling as she did. ****

“Hugh, there’s a package for you in the study.”

“Thanks Franny.” Ransom bustled over to his cupboard, grabbing his packet of cookies and frowning “This is the last one.” “I’ll make sure they’re added to the food order.” she replied. He gave her a nod before he walked out and down the hallway.

The box was fairly large. Grabbing a letter opener, his mouth full as he chewed, he slit carefully down the tape on the top and folded back the sides. He hastily swallowed, coughing slightly as he pulled out the new Burberry camel coat that was inside. Slipping it on it was a perfect fit, good quality too. Shrugging it off and draping it over the back of the chair he glanced back in the box and let out a laugh at the 4 packets of Biscoff in the bottom, and pulled out the note attached to one of them, before sitting down and reading.

“Thank you for your very kind donation, Mr Drysdale, rest assured it will be put to good use for the charity. I’m also pleased you sent me my knife back, Steve says I have an unhealthy attachment to my weapons so leaving it buried in your tyre was a real wrench. I hope the coat fits, sorry about the whole kicking your ass and the dog piss, but they really are exceptional judges of character.

Katie.

P.s Do us all a favour and have someone fix the holes in your sweaters …or even better just buy some new ones for fucks sake, hobo chic went out of fashion about 10 years ago.”

He read and reread the note again, laughing as he did so, glancing at the frayed cuff of his light blue sweater before he stood up, stuck the note into his back pocket with a smile and picked up the red packets of his favourite snack.

“Franny!” He called as he walked back into the hall “Scratch the cookies off the list...”

*****

Part 4

**Original Posting**

[girlsgonemildblog]

There Was So Much Crying - The Bachelor, Season 25, Week 11 & After The Final Rose Recap

Image from abc.com

We made it. We finally arrived at the finale of what may have been the longest season of The Bachelor ever. Perhaps not in weeks and episodes, but definitely in years it took off my life. The episode opens with shots of Matt and the two remaining ladies, Michelle and Rachael, all looking very serious. Rachael was even staring pensively off in the distance while writing in her journal. Every season there’s a shot of one of the final girls journaling, and I refuse to believe that that many people keep a journal. I try to journal, and I am good for like two entries a month, and that’s only until I completely forget about journaling for half a year until I find the notebook in a drawer I never open.

Matt then goes and sees his mom, Patty,  and older brother, John, who looked so much like him it was actually distracting.

Matt’s family first meets Michelle, and Patty starts crying almost immediately. Michelle and John then go off to speak privately, and it was clear that John prepped for this conversation. He had a line of questioning memorized, and they were personal, such as “When was your last relationship?” and “Why did it end?” I think John would get along well with Michelle’s kindergarteners.

Patty then gets a chance to talk with Michelle, and the two of them had an instant connection. Serious bonding happened. Patty starts crying (again) because she is so happy that Matt has found love. I would be remiss if I did not say that if my boyfriend’s mom were crying like this, it would be a red flag for me. Like, why are you this grateful that someone is willing to be with your son? What is wrong with him that you’re not telling me?

The next day it is Rachael’s turn with the Jameses, and John lays into her just as much as he did Michelle. He hits her with questions like “How many relationships have you been in?” and “Have you ever been in love?” It did not seem like he was as satisfied with her answers as he was with Michelle’s. When Rachael talks to Matt’s mom, they discuss the importance of religion in both of theirs, and Matt’s, lives. Patty cries, and Rachael says that the show is “God’s way of bringing her and Matt together.” God, Chris Harrison, same difference.

After Rachael leaves, Matt gets a chance to debrief with his mom and brother. His mother seems to like both girls, which was probably quite unhelpful for Matt, who needed to decide between the two. She also says that she does not think Matt is ready to get engaged, which was pretty evident at this point. She then goes into quite a speech about how “love ends,” and it’s “not the end all be all.” Patty’s clearly been through a lot, and desperately needs to go to therapy. John counters by telling his brother that he supports him no matter what, but he also shouldn’t jump into a decision if he is not ready.

This whole conversation (understandably) confuses Matt, and he asks to speak with Chris Harrison. He tells Chris that he’s unsure if he’s ready to get married and fills him in on the conversation with his mom. Chris simply replies, “that’s a lot to unpack,” which is a very fitting response. He then tries to talk Matt into it in an attempt to salvage what has ultimately been a complete shit-show of a season. My personal opinion is that if you’re not sure if you’re ready to get engaged, you’re not ready to get engaged. You need to be 100% confident before you get down on one knee. (I also think you need to be 100% confident the other person will say yes, but I won’t get into that right now.)

The next day, Matt takes Michelle to the top of a building and brings her dangerously close to the edge with her eyes closed. When she does open her eyes, he announces that they will be repelling down the side, and that would be the point where I would break up with him. If he really loved her, he wouldn’t ask her to risk her life. Matt was really bad at the repelling but still took it upon himself to explain how to do it to Michelle, who was having no issues. That night, Matt goes over to Michelle’s hotel room. She gives him a gift; matching “World Changing Warriors” basketball jerseys with “Mr. James” and “Mrs. James” on the backs and he then breaks up with her. She says to him, “just tell me where you’re at,” and he responds, “I don’t think I can get there with you.” Harsh, to say the least.

The following day, we see Rachael getting ready for her own date with Matt. Chris Harrison then knocks on her door, and she is delighted to see him, unfortunately not realizing what is happening. Chris Harrison does not show up with good news. Chris tells Rachael that Matt’s going through some things and doesn’t want to see her today (imagine getting stood up on The Bachelor), but conveniently omits that Michelle was sent home the previous night.

Matt meets with Neil Lane, the official diamond provider of Bachelor Nation. Neil asks Matt if Rachael is expecting a proposal, and he says, “she’s expecting honesty.” Uh, no, Matt. She is definitely expecting a proposal.

Rachael gets a date card asking her to “meet me by the lake,” which is extremely ominous. Rachael does meet him and gives her pre-proposal speech, which is filled with clichés like, “I’m not gonna run when it gets tough,” and “when you’re hurting, I’m hurting.” Matt then tells her that he can’t propose to her (then why the hell did he get that ring?), but he still wants to “commit” to her. Then they all lived happily ever after. Just kidding, she got exposed on the internet, and the whole show exploded.

Which brings me to the third hour of the finale, “After the Final Rose”. Because Chris Harrison decided celebrating slavery was defendable, he’s been put in time out, and Emmanuel Acho was asked to step in and host. For those who are not familiar, Acho is a former linebacker for the Philadelphia Eagles (go birds!) and current analyst on Fox. He also wrote a book titled Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man and hosts a video series on topics involving race.

Emmanuel brings out Michelle first, who looked stunning. She tells Emmanuel that after she was sent home, she asked for two minutes with Matt, not to change his mind but just to get closure, but he refused, which is actually pretty shitty of him. Emmanuel then asks for her thoughts on Rachael’s scandal. Michelle, very tactfully, says that those photos hurt her and that she does believe Rachael has a good heart, but she was just ill-informed and inconsiderate.

Matt then comes out to speak with Michelle. She confronts him over how she was forced to walk away without closure, and he says he wishes he had pushed more for that conversation. This phrasing interested me because it implied that not speaking with her may not have been his choice alone. As Oprah would say, was he silent, or was he silenced? Emmanuel asks Michelle if she still loves him. She says that she still cares for him, and he will always hold a piece of her heart. She also roasts him by saying he needs to come up with more phrases than “thank you for sharing that with me.”

It is then Matt’s turn to speak alone, and oh boy, did he look tired. It was so painfully clear that he just wanted to be done with this whole thing. He and Emmanuel discuss how he was under extra scrutiny because he was the first Black bachelor and how he is the only representation of a Black man in some of the viewers’ homes. Matt speaks about how other leads would only be asked to find love, but he also had to represent all Black men. Emmanuel asks him how much of the pressure may have been internalized, and Matt responds that the pressure comes from the fact that Black people are conditioned to make people comfortable with their Blackness.

Their conversation then shifts to his relationship with Rachael, and Emmanuel asks what made Matt first fall for her. He says her authenticity, which is a bit ironic in hindsight. Matt then breaks down their trajectory after leaving Pennsylvania. At first, they were in a honeymoon phase. When the rumors started bubbling about Rachael’s past, Matt dismissed them as rumors and just tried to be there for her. He said that “you hear things that are heartbreaking and pray that they’re not true.” When he discovered they were true, he was taken back to growing up in the south and the people and places that made him feel unwelcome. Eventually, he broke up with her. He said it was a tough conversation, but “if you don’t understand that that’s problematic in 2018, then there’s a lot of me you won’t understand.”

Emmanuel then spoke to Rachael one-on-one. He shows her the controversial photo, and she says she sees “someone who was living in ignorance without thinking who it would be hurting.” Her use of the phrase “someone who” is important to note because she is separating herself from the actions and thus not actually taking responsibility for them. She also says that she never asked herself about where the tradition comes from because if she had, she would’ve immediately realized it was problematic. Remember she said this, it’ll come up later. Emmanuel asks her who is to blame for her ignorance, and she says there is no excuse. This is the point where it became painfully clear that everything she was saying had been scripted and rehearsed a thousand times. Acho also asked her what steps she was taking to educate herself, which she did not actually answer. She said it wasn’t about reading books and watching documentaries (you know, the tools of education) and even said, “we need to take action.” I’m not sure who the “we” she was referring to is exactly because she was the only one on that stage who was photographed playing Slave-Owner.

Matt joins Emmanuel and Rachael, and calling the situation awkward would be an understatement. Matt clearly didn’t want to have to talk to her anymore, and it was evident that a lot more went on during their break up than either of them were willing to say. Emmanuel asks Matt if there is anything else he has to say to Rachael, and he was silent for a long time. They went to a commercial break, and when they came back, he was still silent for a good 10 seconds. I would’ve taken that as a no, but they just kept on waiting. Eventually, Matt says that the most disappointing thing was having to explain to Rachael why the party was problematic. Remember back when Rachael said, “if I had just asked myself where the tradition came from, I would’ve immediately understood it was problematic”? Well, apparently, that was bullshit because in the year 2021, she didn’t, and she clearly fought with Matt about it and defended herself. In addition, Matt tells her that she doesn’t fully understand his Blackness, and she wouldn’t understand that for their kids. He also points out to Emmanuel that he didn’t sign up for this conversation, which I found such a perfect encapsulation of why this entire situation has been so unfair to Matt. Emmanuel asks Matt if the door is still open for a relationship with Rachael, and Matt says that feelings don’t just go away, but she needs to do the work on her own. I.e., Matt doesn’t want to be her babysitter and shouldn’t have to be held responsible for her actions or inactions.

After a palette cleansing commercial break, we return to a different graphic on the screen, that of The Bachelorette. Michelle and Katie then come out and announce that they will both be the Bachelorette, each with their own season, and Katie going first. Katie’s season will premiere in May, giving us just enough time to recover from this shit show before diving headfirst into the next one.

[florencecastlewritings]

Writing Dialogue

Below the read more is a lesson on writing effective dialogue in fiction. As with everything in art, rules are there to be broken, so please do treat the below lesson as a guideline rather than a legal document, and remember that it is based on what works for me as well as advice I have received from other writers. It might not match your style, and that’s all right. It’s also a very lengthy blog post, but I have used headings to try and break it up and there’s a little contents of sorts at the start, so feel free to skim/skip where needed. 

If you do find it useful, however, please consider helping me through a tricky time by sending a few pennies my way via ko-fi. 

Dialogue is the written speech of your characters in your story. For some people, writing effective dialogue comes naturally, for others it feels almost impossible to master. It is worth considering, as well, the differences in dialogue for different kinds of media - in screenwriting, for example, a writer will be able to rely more heavily on actors’ expression, comic timing, body language and other effects such as music. However they will also be constrained by shorter time, more need for unnatural exposition, and lack of internal thoughts. The following lesson will focus on dialogue in fiction - for short stories or novels - although some rules will be applicable to dialogue in other mediums too, so they’re worth keeping in mind. 

The Purpose of Dialogue

Dialogue should:

Progress the story

Deepen character and relationship

Have realism

Be embellished/supported with suitable dialogue tags and appropriate narration. 

Easier said than done. Let’s take them one at a time. 

Progress the story

As with most writing, the writer needs to be constantly asking herself ‘what is the point?’ Why am I having my characters say/do/notice this? It may be to deepen character and relationship (and we’ll get onto that), but for longer stories we must acknowledge that the dialogue needs to move the plot along as well, as much as we might want to indulge in a bit of pointless fluff now and then. 

Dialogue can drive the plot in a more engaging and exciting way than plain narration. Narration on its own can be effective at building tension, but usually only in small doses, and having many pages of narration without dialogue or internal thought will feel more like a summary of events or a witness statement than the author would perhaps like. Consider the below: 

Breakfast was tense that morning. They ate silently as they pondered what to do. Michael buttering his toast so aggressively that it was surprising that the knife didn’t go through it. Susan asked him to stop, but that only started the arguing again. He accused her of expecting him to get over the affair so quickly. She threw back that there was nothing left to say if he refused to get therapy, and she had warned him for years that things had to change, and that it had been one foolish night in twenty years of unhappy marriage. She, Susan insisted, had excused plenty of foolish mistakes on his part. 

Compared to: 

‘Will you stop that?’ she said sharply. Michael did not pause in the furious buttering of his toast. ‘I said I was sorry.’ 

‘What, you say the magic word and I’m meant to shrug it off?’ he replied. ‘Pretend it never happened? Pretend you didn’t-’

‘You’ve made your anger perfectly clear, and I understand, but you don’t need to be so aggressive with everything, I get it.’ 

‘Oh, here we go. Buttering toast is aggressive now.’ 

‘Well, yes, like that - I’ve tried to talk to you like a grown up, but-’

‘It really bloody winds me up when you just say insane stuff patiently and without emotion and think that makes it acceptable, d’you know that? I’m allowed to be angry, you cheated.’

I could continue. The first example can pack a lot more information in, but using dialogue to drive the plot makes for more interesting and deeper meaning. It turns it into a story, rather than an account of events that occurred. It allows the writer to layer the plot with character work and unlock the story a little at a time.

In this regard, it is good to have your characters talking. To each other, to themselves, to the reader - whatever your particular style demands. Having that personable voice is engaging. 

There are a few “rules” to keep in mind in order to ensure you remain plot-focused with your dialogue:

Avoid small talk. Enter late, leave early. Naturally there are exceptions (if you want to emphasise the awkwardness of a relationship between two characters you might want to include some failed attempts at small talk), but the usual chit-chat and extended greetings that we are used to saying in every day life can normally be skipped or avoided. You don’t need to have lots of ‘hi, how are you?’  ‘I’m fine thanks, you?’ ‘Fine, cheers. Have you seen the rain?’ Your characters are allowed to just get to the point and your reader will thank you for it. 

Have characters on their own thought trajectories. This is a great way of driving the plot, and though it can be tricky to master it can really help in making your characters believable individuals as well as creating some conflict. If characters know each other, or both know the topic, they will likely jump ahead, make assumptions, fail to answer each other directly - this can be a great way of showing that they’re on the same wavelength, but can also be a vehicle for miscommunications and misunderstandings, or deliberately misleading one another. In that vein, don’t have the characters telling each other things they already know, unless made to sound believable. 

Similarly, don’t have characters say things solely for the benefit of the reader. This is called exposition, and while exposition is necessary, it can be clumsily handled in dialogue. It’s made fun of frequently in films where they have such limited time to get background information across. You definitely don’t want dialogue like ‘So, Michael, it’s been three years since your divorce, have you thought about dating again?’ Michael knows this, his insensitive friend knows this, the reader is not stupid and knows that it’s not natural sounding. If it must be said in dialogue, weave it into a more natural conversation - ‘I haven’t been to Ibiza in three years, and I don’t plan on going back any time soon. Don’t want to run the risk of bumping into Susan and Jorge.’ 

We’ll get onto weaving it in with narration and dialogue tags later, which makes that a lot easier, but, in short, use dialogue to drive your story. 

Deepen character and relationship

This is my favourite thing to do, and why I often prefer to write shorter stories than longer ones. A writer can find great joy in bringing a character to life through dialogue, dragging them away from plot vehicles and making them people of their own.

Firstly, it’s important to remember that your character’s background and personality will affect the way that they speak. If all your characters sound the same, they probably sound like you! A well educated character will obviously have a different way of talking than a common street urchin, but everyone has quirks and patterns to their speech that you can use to say a lot. You might use long meandering sentences with lots of rhetorical questions for a character known to be boring, for example. You might use short, sharp sentences for a character that’s grumpy or distracted with some deeper internal struggle. You can use the way two characters talk to each other to say a lot about their relationship and power dynamic, especially if you remember that good dialogue should have subtext (what isn’t being said being important).

A good example of this is from the short story Hills Like White Elephants, by Ernest Hemmingway (CW; indirect discussion of abortion). Consider the short passage below. 

‘It’s really an awfully simple operation, Jig,’ the man said. ‘It’s not really an operation at all. 

The girl looked at the ground the table legs rested on. 

‘I know you wouldn’t mind it, Jig. It’s not really anything. It’s just to let the air in.’ 

The girl did not say anything. 

‘I’ll go with you and I’ll stay with you all the time. They just let the air in and then it’s all perfectly natural.’ 

‘Then what will we do afterward?’ 

‘We’ll be fine afterward. Just like we were before.’ 

‘What makes you think so?’ 

‘That’s the only thing that bothers us. It’s the only thing that’s made us unhappy.’ 

The girl looked at the bead curtain, put her hand out and took hold of two of the strings of beads. ‘And you think then we’ll be all right and be happy.’

It’s a really interesting story that is almost entirely dialogue, so it’s well worth reading to get a good sense of using subtext. I wasn’t aware of the abortion connotations when I first read it because I hadn’t heard of the very dated term ‘letting the air in’, but really the story is great at demonstrating the uneven power dynamic between the two even without knowledge of what the operation is. Without much description (though ‘man’ and ‘girl’ says it all really, doesn’t it?), you get a sense that a much older man is persuading this reluctant girl into this act by leveraging how hopelessly in love she is with him, though he does not seem to feel the same way. He speaks most when he is trying to persuade her - the rest of the time he is snappish and short with her childish and ignorant questions about the world around them. The above passage is the only time in the story where he refers to her by a name, and we can gather that it’s a pet one. The girl’s silence says as much as her dialogue, and when she does speak it is questioning - looking to him for authority. 

Understanding character motivations and background is what makes this masterful use of dialogue. It would be tempting, for a novice writer, to have the girl argue. For her to say something like ‘what if we could be happy without it?’ But where that should be, there is silence, or repeating his thoughts back to him - because Hemmingway is not only driving the story but emphasising the imbalance of their relationship and her own naive nature. She would not argue with him, she can only wish that he will change his mind. This is all through dialogue and a tiny bit of narration, barely any dialogue tags, and really says so much without saying it at all. Show vs tell is about more than description after all. 

That kind of depth when it comes to writing dialogue is... really hard. I haven’t picked Hemmingway to suggest that this is the quality all writing should be at, and I certainly don’t mean to intimidate anyone. But it really is a golden example of thinking about your dialogue within the context of the character, and how their background, situation, and goals will affect how they respond and react to those around them. Your character may not always be able to say what is convenient for you, the author, to tell the reader, because it may not be in their nature or sound authentic. But there are clever ways around that and it can make for more powerful writing, between the lines of what is said. 

Have realism

If you skipped down to this bit, I understand. It’s the area that people most often struggle with. I find that people tend to fall into two traps here - either their characters sound like robots because they are over formal and have too much emphasis on being grammatically correct or over eloquent at the expense of natural dialogue, OR they swing in the other direction and try to replicate perfectly how people speak in day to day life. 

If you do have a problem with stilted dialogue, it is a good idea to listen to how people naturally speak and try typing it out to get yourself out of the habit. But on the whole, the way people normally speak actually doesn’t sound that great in written format. In real life, we use lots of filler words, we get muddled, we go off on tangents, we trail off, we stutter and stammer and phrase things badly, we um and ah and say far more with our body language and expression than we realise. If you ever read transcripts, from interviews or courts, you’ll see how much of it actually doesn’t make a lot of sense. Our brains make sense of it when we listen to others, based on other parts of communication. Yes, sometimes adding in a ‘er...’ is beneficial and good, and you might have a really nice character moment of someone anxious trailing off when they realise no one is listening to them. Sprinkling those moments in can absolutely make your dialogue sound more authentic, especially when carefully used with character knowledge, but be careful not to over use it. In written dialogue, our characters can and should be more articulate and quicker to formulate their thoughts than in real life for the sake of the story. Striking that balance between overly structured and too real and easy can be really hard, but it only comes with practice - reading dialogue out loud can be a big help, as can writing the dialogue first with no narration or speech tags (more on that later). 

Some common mistakes when it comes to dialogue: 

Having one character speak too long without a break. Monologues are tough to get through as a reader and don’t come up often in real life in any meaningful way. They can end up cheesy or exposition heavy. Occasionally you can get away with it with very particular characters, but in general, avoid. 

Over use of names. It’s really distracting as a reader if dialogue is constantly like, ‘what do you think, Harry?’ ‘Charlie, I just don’t know.’ ‘Really, Harry, you need to decide if you’re going to marry her or not.’ ‘I know, you’re right, Charlie.’ Use names to get someone’s attention and then don’t use them again unless you need to make it clear to the reader who the character is talking to. 

Not using contractions. Even very formal people use contractions such as don’t and won’t, it is part of natural rapid speech. Save the ‘do not’ and ‘will not’s for when the emphasis is really needed. 

Having characters speak in unison. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes this can be used to hilarious effect and can always be used for a bit of comedy. But on the whole people don’t do this, including twins. 

Misuse of slang or dialects. If you’re going to use it, make sure you do your research. It’s also worth bearing in mind that if you over use it, it will be hard for the reader to understand and may break immersion. 

Over explain for the reader. I mentioned this before but it’s worth repeating. If you went outside right now and saw a UFO, you would probably shout something along the lines of ‘wtf is that?’, and you would perhaps point or scramble for your potato to take a shaky video. You would probably not shout, ‘look at flying saucer! I’ve never seen anything like it!’ Think carefully about realistic reactions, even if they are not particularly convenient to you as a writer. 

Over use of exclamation marks/caps lock. People aren’t that vibrant and it’s tiring to read. The less you use it, the more punch it packs. 

Using narration and dialogue tags

First, a quick grammar lesson. Sorry. 

‘This is some speech.’ 

‘This is also some speech,’ said the character. 

‘Is this also speech?’ asked another. 

‘Well,’ said the first, ‘yes.’ 

‘Brilliant,’ said the other. ‘Thanks for letting me know.’ 

I use single quotation marks because I’m British and annoying, the conventional double quote marks the Americans use (”like this!”) is also correct. The only important thing is that you pick one and stick to it. Quotation marks always surround the words that are being spoken aloud, and must be opened and closed. Where the sentence ends, you must use a full stop (period), or another piece of punctuation like a question or exclamation mark before closing the speech with the marks. 

Where there is a dialogue tag (he said/said/replied, etc), the sentence is continuing, so a comma is more appropriate (but you can also use a question/exclamation mark and the sentence still continues), and again this must go before the speech marks close the dialogue. If you want to continue the sentence with the dialogue tag in the middle, you can continue by using another comma, or you can end the sentence with a full stop and continue the dialogue as a new sentence. 

Use a new line for a new character speaking.

Phew, that’s over so you can pay attention again. But unfortunately I still have more to say. 

Here is a fun little exercise. Take the below dialogue between two characters, A and B. 

‘Do you love me?’ 

‘You’re drunk.’ 

‘Why won’t you answer the question?’ 

‘Sit down. I’ll make you a tea.’ 

‘I don’t want tea, I want an answer! Tell me!’  

The dialogue alone already tells us a bit of a story - a picture is probably already forming in your head, perhaps of the characters, perhaps of the setting. As it stands it’s ok, and if you struggle with dialogue it can be effective to write only the dialogue out in this way (this tip from my writing teacher also helped me cut down on purple prose!). But now look at the scene: 

It was not the first time, nor would it be the last, that Alex was woken at 3am by repeated bangs on the floor and shouts through the letterbox. Nothing else would have made her rise from bed. If she had suspected even for a moment that it was anyone else, she would have called the police. 

But as usual, it was Sam. Blonde, tousled hair a mess, eye make up smudged, pouting lips trembling as she swayed. 

‘Do you love me?’ 

‘You’re drunk,’ said Alex, wincing as Sam’s grey eyes shone with tears. ‘You’d better come in.’ 

‘Why won’t you answer the question?’ 

Alex ignored her, pulled her in by her slender arm. ‘Sit down. I’ll make you a tea.’ 

‘I don’t want tea. I want an answer. Tell me!’ Sam’s voice was loud and high, and it pierced her. 

So, we haven’t actually added that much narration or dialogue tags (t’s best, if you can, to avoid using them too much), but we’re able to give a clearer picture of these two characters. You may even now be reading the dialogue in a different tone to the one you originally did - picturing the scene with a different feel. Not convinced? How about now? 

Yet again, as had happened dozens of bloody times before, Alex was woken at 3am by incoherent, slurred shouting through the letterbox. 

‘Do you love me?’ was Sam’s immediate demand as Alex wearily opened the door. 

Alex rubbed her hand over her bleary eyes and sighed. ‘You’re drunk. You’d better come in.’ 

Sam turned on the tears at once, mascara running in thick, spidery lines down her blotchy cheeks. ‘Why won’t you answer the question?’

‘Sit down,’ Alex muttered. ‘I’ll make you a tea.’ She stood aside and jerked her head towards the living room.

‘I don’t want tea, I want an answer! Tell me!’ 

Wincing once more at her piercing shriek, Alex closed her eyes. 

The very same dialogue can be shaped by carefully worded narration and dialogue tags. It’s a fun exercise to do with writing buddies - all use the same dialogue and see how different the stories come out. It can also be a pretty nifty way to challenge writers block or shake up a scene you’re struggling with. 

Some extra tips from my writing teacher - I fully confess that I am not always the best at following these ones, because my writing has been heavily influenced by JK Rowling who also doesn’t seem to set much store by them. But they are good, and since I’ve kept them in mind my writing has improved. 

Avoid overuse of adverbs (’she said nervously’). Use action or dialogue alone to convey this information instead. 

Avoid overuse of verbs besides ‘said’. The reader will skim over said and barely notice it, if every character is whispering and muttering and shouting all the time it stilts the flow of the scene - use sparingly.

Use tags when necessary to ensure clarity as to who is speaking, otherwise let the dialogue stand for itself. 

Use internal thoughts in place of speech tags sometimes. 

Use action beats (’he turned to stare coldly out of the window’) in place of speech tags sometimes to help set the pace of the scene. 

I hope this very lengthy post has helped! Please do get in touch if you have any further questions or would like any elaborations on anything I’ve mentioned here, or if you have suggestions for future lessons!

Lastly, I hate to do this but times must - if you have even just a couple of quid to send my way it would be a massive help to me. If you did find this useful, please consider donating to my kofi. 

[astrovian]

Richard Armitage & Shaun Dooley on The Red Production Company Podcast for the Stranger - Transcript

Unfortunately the video is too long/too big a file for me to post directly but the video can be accessed online here

Transcript under cut

Interviewer: Welcome to another episode of the Red Production Company Podcast. I’ve got the wonderful Sean Dooley and Richard Armitage with me. Lead actors in The Stranger. So Sean, as you’re closest to me, let’s start with you. How did – how did you get started in acting? What was the uh… path?

SD: Which camera? Straight down that one? Ah, no, joking. Well, um, I was a young child and Richard Armitage was in his twenties, and he came into my school and did a talk *Laugh* That didn’t happen.

RA: *Laugh* I’m not gonna tell you who came to my school and taught me.

SD: *Laugh* Um, er…right, basically, in a nutshell because I know we haven’t got long, um, I failed miserably at being a vet.

Interviewer: Mm-hmm.

SD: At being a – uh… or marine biology, or whatever I could go into to do with animals. Failed everything, failed my GCSEs, um, I should have gotten all the sciences and everything, and I went to put in exams, I suffered really badly with the uh… the nerves, tension, when I was going into kind of exam situations. So I would get into exams and just clam up and not be able to do anything for the – for the whole exam. Whereas my course work was all A’s and that, so I got one GCSE, um, and a C instead of 8. And um, so basically consequently my whole career trajectory was done and over. You’re gonna put violins behind this, by the way, yeah?

Interviewer: Yes, yeah, of course.

SD: Good.

RA: I’ve actually got a single tear coming down.

SD: *Laugh*

Interviewer: *Laugh*

RA: I’m just gonna wipe it away.                      

SD: *Laugh* He’s been saving that all day.

RA: *quietly* okay *sniff*

SD: And he’s heard it before.

RA: I haven’t actually, I’m fascinated.

SD: *Laugh* Um… and, uh…

RA: I’m just fascinated that you were a vet!

SD: *Laugh*

RA: You’d be really good as a vet.

SD: I’d love to be, I still wanna be! I want Attenborough to kind of go ‘He’d be quite good’-

RA: I always thought you were quite good with animals, aren’t you?

SD: Yeah, well-

RA: Yeah, stroking dogs, and – sorry, go on.

Interviewer: Stroking dogs.

SD: *Laugh* Stroking dogs.

Interviewer: Stick that on the CV.

SD: And uh, so yeah, basically the pits was shut in (?), which would have been my kind of next step, following my dad’s, grandad’s - dad’s, and grandad’s, um and… it was all gone to pot and I used to do once a week a thing with Barnsley Youth Theatre, which used to be around, y’know, once a week. And I went into them and I’d told them the week before about my – failing my GCSEs, and the following week I went in, and they said, ‘listen, we’ve had a chat. We, uh, think you should become an actor. And here is a play called The Caretaker’, that I’d never heard of, and they went ‘and this is a speech by Aston. Read this speech, learn this speech. Read the play. Get it under your belt, and we’ve got a date and time for you to audition for a B-Tech course in acting in Barnsley. And it – basically, I didn’t know at the time, but they’d handed me a life, in a way. Without that moment happening in my life, there is no way on Earth that I’d be saying – no way on Earth, it was never an option, it was never – it was never, uh, a career that somebody like me would’ve, would’ve chosen. Or thought I – I would be capable of doing, and still don’t really think I should be, but anyway. So they handed me that, I went to B-Tech, got into that B-Tech course, uh, went to my dad’s ­­­­­­---- first, and went, “listen, they think I should become an actor”, and my dad, in a very un-Billy Elliot sort of way, said, “You’re gonna be unemployed whatever you decide to do, because of the pits and everything, so you may as well be unemployed doing something that you like doing”. Basically, I was handed it by strangers.

Interviewer: Yeah.

SD: In a way. Which is amazing.

Interviewer: By The Stranger.

AR: *Laugh*

SD: Ooh, by- *gestures pulling off mask, turning to Richard* it was you!! No, it wasn’t.

AR: Ooh!

Interviewer: And then you went onto Arden-

SD: I did a degree, uh, in Manchester, and then left and was the only person to leave my year without an agent.

Interviewer: Oh, wow.

SD: So then I was like, rock bottom, totally pointless, all over, and then I did everything to get my equity card, which I was the last year that needed an equity card in order to kind of prove you were an actor, which I still think is missing today. I think should – y’know, I think something that it – it was invaluable back then, ‘cause you had to kind of graft to get there. I did theatre education for six months, I did plays in the middle of nowhere, just purely to get points. Purely to get my equity card, to then be able to say, ‘I am a legit actor, I can work’. I think it is – I do wish it was still there, I think, because it just – it means you’ve gotta graft, and if you’re prepared to graft, you’re prepared to go a little bit further than somebody who just goes, ‘oh, you know what, I wanna be famous’.

Interviewer: Mm-hmm. Richard, what about you? How did you get started in acting?

RA: Talking of Billy Elliot…

SD: You didn’t!

RA: No, I was, I was sent – for some reason, I can’t figure it out now, I was sent to tap-dancing classes when I was four. Um, so I don’t really have the memory of why I was there, um, I wasn’t very good, though I liked the music. I think I had quite good rhythm. But I was always being told “smile and look like you’re enjoying yourself”. And I got to about nine, and I – I suddenly thought, ‘why do they keep saying “smile and look like you’re enjoying yourself” because if I was enjoying myself I’d be smiling’.

So I kind of travelled on that line for a while, and I was bullied for it as well. The problem with me is that as soon as you try to push me down or say “you can’t do this” and “I don’t think you should do that”, I immediately push back. So I did – I’d decided really young that I was going to try to make a career out of it. Um, but nothing to do with film or television. It was always theatre. I joined the Scouts so I could do the Gang Show. So I ended up going to, um, like a vocational school in Convetry called Patson College, um, and then when I left that – that school, I hadn’t been to a big London school, and needed an equity card.

So I ended up joining the circus in Budapest for six months to get the points to get my card. Got to a circus, I didn’t have – I didn’t know what I was doing, I was throwing hula hoops at – at, um, skateboarders, and waving feathers around and holding onto ladders for jugglers and uh, but – but came back with an equity card, and then started going for auditions that were advertised on the back page of The Stage newspaper. And doing classes at the same time, heading towards musical theatre, which I did for probably four or five years. I was a hoofer. That’s – that’s nothing to do with animals, I know it sounds like it. *Neigh*

So yeah, I did that and then – and then realised I was still having that tiny voice at the back of my head saying “smile and look like you’re enjoying yourself”, and I’m like ‘I’m still not enjoying myself’. And that’s when I decided to kind of have like a little career shift, and I went back to drama school. Um, ‘cause I’d always been a reader from really, really young, and I’d always just devoured books, and I – y’know, I realised that it was my, it was the other side of my creativeness that was driving me, the sort of literary side.

So I went back to drama school quite late, um, at the age of 23. It’s quite late for drama school. But still, I was always focused on theatre, I didn’t in a million years think that anyone with my face and my nose, which was uh, referred to as ‘concord’ when I was a kid, belonged on a screen. So had no, absolutely no kind of aspirations to be on film in any way, shape, or form.

Interviewer: Following on from that, how – one, do you think drama school is a good place to go? And two, do you think it’s essential? ‘Cause I know a lot of young people, they will audition for drama school, audition, audition, thinking it’s the only way into the industry. So what kind of – how important do you think drama school is?

RA: I, um, first of all, I don’t think you have to go. And yes, I think it’s a good place to go. I don’t think they can really teach you how to act. But what they can do is teach you all of the skills that you need when you try to work in the industry, which is changing all the time. I mean – I think when I was at drama school, they – they taught me how to make my voice survive over, y’know, eight shows a week from a – for a twelve-week run, which, when it uh, y’know, when I did The Crucible at The Old Vic five years ago, I really went back to all of that training, ‘cause I was – I was about to lose my voice on the first preview. And uh, so all of that, those skills that they give you – but in terms of, uh, the instinct to be an actor, I don’t necessarily think anyone can teach you that.

Interviewer: Hmm. What do you reckon, Shaun?

SD: No, I totally agree. Um, totally agree. I think one of the good things about drama school is being in an environment, I ‘spose, with people who are all so, uh, y’know, striving to set off on that, y’know, that course. And also a place where you can fail, I think. I went back a bit at Arden and taught at uh, I taught naturalism and Stanislavski and all this – you wouldn’t believe that, would you? *Laugh*

RA: Stanislavski?

SD: Yeah *Laugh* And ‘cause he was my hero at drama, y’know I was a massive – and what I did love about my drama coach, and we did not do telly, we did one day, um, telly with a lovely lady called Maggie Ford, so when I did my first telly I had no idea what to do, ‘cause we were told – doing predominantly theatre, um uh… um, what we did do is we studied all the different practitioners of theatre, and we were left to then choose what you wanted to choose. And y’know you could all just pick little bits of different people, and theorists, and just take a bit from everybody you want, and hang onto that, y’know. So it was never forced that you had to be a particular kind of way. And I – I really loved that element of just finding all these, just y’know, Artaud, and-

Interviewer: A holisitic approach.

SD: -Brecht, and all these things, just going actually, ‘Oh, y’know actually’, it – it was nice to be able to have three years to be able to do that. However, saying that, a B-Tech course, I think, prepped me even better for, for life. Because in that B-Tech course we did – and do y’know what, annoyingly, I heard some kids talking, it’s become – B-Tech’s become a bit of a derogatory word now.

Interviewer: A B-Tech, yeah.

SD: And, and it’s become a bit of a thing-

RA: Is it because it’s got the letter ‘B’ in it?

SD: *Laugh* Yeah

RA: As opposed to-

SD: -A-Tech! And uh, which is really not fair, really. But uh, um in that course we did set design, lighting, and sound design, and – and across the spectrum, learnt – pretty much had a little walk in different shoes. Which was amazing. I think that, for everybody then able to leave a job, and y’know, Richard’s very similar on, on set, just to kind of go - respect for everybody else’s jobs within the machine of making something.

RA: I’m usually looking at everyone else, thinking ‘I wish I’d done your job instead of this one’.

SD: Yeah *Laugh*

Interviewer: Is there anything you’d dip your toe into on the other side?

RA: Ooh, I’m always fascinated with editing, um, but I love production design as well. I look at – when you arrive on a set and the, the detail just blows my mind. I think that’s a really interesting job, ‘cause you’re doing something similar to what we’re doing, which is creating the illusion of life which is so believable. Um, and I – I, originally, if I was clever enough, I would probably have been an architect. To look at buildings, and I look at sets, and I’m sort of fascinated.

Interviewer: So you kind of said that you like to take different bits of different methods of acting, different schools. What about you, Richard? Do you – do you do similar?

RA: Um, you know what, there are – there are, um, a couple of teachers that have crossed my path, or um, through my life, probably I can count them on one hand that I still retain um, all of the detail that they – that they teach. And I didn’t realise it at the time, but um, Di Trevis was one of them, at drama school she came and worked with us on our second term, and literally everything, everything I do now, there’s always something that she would have referenced in, in the work. Even when I’m reading an audiobook, structuring things, and uh… just, just the honesty of, of everything that you do. Y’know, it’s the two schools of, of – one is pretense, and the other is truth. And some people feel that – think that acting is turning up and pretending to do something, and the other school is to – turning up and y’know, convincing yourself that something is real. Uh, and I – I prefer to sit in – I think they’re both valid, actually! – but I prefer to sit in the one where I believe it’s real.

SD: Mmm.

RA: Um, and it, it came from that teacher, yeah. I’d really like to go back into a drama school and try and take everything that, that I’ve gained in the industry, and try and impart that knowledge to kids that, that are just starting out, ‘cause I think TV and film technique is, is something that – it’s so, it’s so kind of complex, and complicated and being able to sort of literally drop into the middle of a scene and pull out one shot from a – from a whole kind of, uh, scene of high anxiety or heart or humour, and to just find these pieces that you – you have to do it a lot on film. I don’t know where – where the technique comes for that.

SD: It’s hard, isn’t it, ‘cause you just gotta – it’s almost kind of learnt over the years in a way, isn’t it?

RA: Mmm.

SD: And it is difficult. I mean, I – we were – little daft things like hitting your mark for a, for a scene and not looking down at your feet, which you watch some of the old films, you beautifully see them walking to set and then go *looks down* and then stop.

RA: *Laugh*

SD: Yeah, but it’s beautiful, it’s really lovely. But uh, first – first time I was asked to hit my mark, I was scared for – I had to lose my mark if it keeps me in the job. Joke.

Interviewer: I only learned to split the difference about a month ago.

SD: Did you?

Interviewer: Yeah, I was – I had no idea what it meant.

RA: Split the difference? Brilliant. Do you know what, my first class, if I was to go back into drama school, and I’d be like – so the title of my first class would be ‘Hitting Your Mark on a Horse’.

SD: *Laugh*

RA: Yeah, I’d be – I’d be like, ‘bring your own horse and then hit your mark on horse’, so you had to get the horse’s feet on the mark so you’re in the right place.

Interviewer: That does sound like a skill that-

RA: I’ve had that a few times.

SD: I’ve heard that recently on The Witcher.

RA: Me too! ‘Cause you’re like trying to get their horse to hit the mark.

SD: And they say, “you can ride, can’t you?” I said, “Yeah!”

RA: Put the sandbag down for the horse.

Interviewer: So, um, is there kind of, any kind of specific advice you would say for someone who’s done loads of theatre, that wants to do screen, or is it so kind of… a myriad of things that… if they want to cross over. ‘Cause I know a lot of people want to do more screen stuff, but have come from a theatre background.

RA: I don’t think there’s – I don’t think there’s a crossover.

SD: No.

RA: ‘Cause I don’t-

SD: I think it’s just volume, yeah. I think it’s a volume thing. I think you still have to go – I mean, the beautiful thing about – God, if you could put them together, the beautiful thing about theatre is having three weeks, if you’re lucky, if you’re unlucky three weeks, which is what I’ve normally had, or if you’re lucky, six or seven weeks, to find the character, to develop the character, to work on the character, to find the through lines. Look at absolutely everything in minutia, and then get rid of it for theatre, that’s why I think we all love doing theatre. Whereas telly, you’re basically in your hotel room doing it, or you’re on your own. We – we, y’know, it don’t happen very often, we, we met up before big nights of filming to work together on stuff, but quite often you – you don’t work on stuff, there’s no place to fail in television, is there any more? We used to work with – when you first started you’d get rehearsals, but for me, I think it’s the same technique, you’re just still striving to sort of get that truth, still striving to be believable, and for yourself to believe what you’re saying, and to listen to what – somebody else talking, and how they’re effecting you. But it just happens, you’re on a stage, you’re doing that *gestures arms wide* more than that *gestures hands close together*, I think.

RA: Yeah, you’re right. It’s just the truth, but at a – at a larger scale. Something that I, that I struggled with really early on when I, um, starting out, when you’re a little bit unsure of what you’re gonna do, and what you’re capable of, and um, because I was always in a rehearsal room, ‘cause I was a theatre actor, there was – there was always this voice at the back of my head saying, ‘You’ll do it on the day’, or ‘You’ll do it when – when there’s an audience in’, or you’ll – and actually, something that I’ve, I’ve taken from TV back into the rehearsal room for theatre is that, in a way, television is like one long rehearsal. So every take is just another rehearsal that you commit to fully, so that when I’m in a rehearsal room now, I , I work as if we’re filming everything, and everything’s usable, even if, even if we’re not – there’s no audience in the room, you’re trying various versions of the scene. All of them are correct, none of them are wrong.

Interviewer: Yeah.

RA: Um, and I think if you – I think if you, you – you work in that way all the time, no matter where you are, um, but yeah, volume is – it’s, it’s – you still um, I think on stage you still can work in close-ups, because there’s somebody sitting three feet away from you, but also you have to – you have to gauge your body movement a bit more. If you put than on film, then someone would be like, “Whoa! What are you doing?! Back off!”

Interviewer: You’re probably out of shot by that point, yeah.

RA: Yeah.

SD: But also I think as well, in, in this sense that when you’re on stage, and I might be wrong here, but this sense that when you’re on stage you’ve got a – Stanislavski called it a concentration – you’ve got another circle that’s encompassing the audience, and where you’re stood and how you – where your physicality is, to where your body is blah, blah, blah. You’ve got a camera, which is one audience member looking at you, and I think that’s some of the technical psychobabble, and I – I don’t look at that and go, ‘that’s an enemy’, I, I enjoy – it’s always a third – y’know, we’ve got the scene, it’s always a third person that’s in the scene in a daft way, and I like the fact that technically we have a little dance around this, around this inanimate object that is, is one audience member looking at you. And I, I really like that. There’s a lot of people who it, uh, I think the thing is, if you kind of go all method blah, and shut that out, that’s like going on stage and going ‘Kadush!’ and putting a curtain down, and it kind of y’know, I don’t know. I’m probably talking bollocks, but-

RA: No, not at all.

Interviewer: The, the idea, it’s the implied narrator of the scene, is the camera. So, and – and that viewpoint impacts the – how the scene is played out, y’know. I did think about the idea, if you set up a 360 camera in a room to film a scene, it’d be completely different because you wouldn’t be having that snap viewpoint. Um, I think it could actually be impossible, but y’know, I thought with something like Twelve Angry Men, you could theoretically, ‘cause it was based on one long take, and see what happens really.

RA: It’s also – it’s very nice when you work with um, y’know, we get exposed to so many different types of actor in the career, but when you with with people that come from theatre, they, then – they never stop the work when the camera’s not on them. They’re – they’re always in the world, and um, I just didn’t – I really enjoyed that. And that’s the one thing about theatre that you don’t necessarily get on film, is that you’re far more in control of it, so when the play starts, you know that you’re driving it and you will continue doing this for the next two and a half, maybe three hours sometimes, maybe four hours. And um, on film there’s always someone else that will say cut and you think, ‘Ah, I was just about to have a moment!’

SD: Yeah!

RA: Um, but to be in the driving seat is actually quite satisfying.

Interviewer: Just moving on, as we are strapped for time, um, ‘cause you sort of said, you – you were the one that didn’t leave with an agent out of your drama school, how important do you think an agent is, especially early on? Is it get one as quickly as you can, or…

SD: It’s so hard – I think it’s so hard for people, this, the – the number of people who’re in drama colleges has upped, the number of charlatan agents that are out there who get kids who don’t have very much money to pay monthly so that they can be represented, which I think are just scum, to be honest with you. And take the money when you’ve earnt it, or take the money off these kids before they’ve earnt it is not fair. It’s a message to any of you out there, who may be listening. Um, sorry, I got a bit angry there. Uh… what was I saying?

Interviewer: Is it important to get an agent at the start, kind of as quickly as you can? Kind of a – a good agent, anyway.

SD: Oh, it’s so hard. I don’t know.

RA: I think-

SD: It’s the aim, ain’t it?

RA: -y’know what, I’ve seen many of my friends and colleagues, I’ve seen people function in the industry without an agent, um, it’s much more difficult. I think it – I think it’s crucial, really, to um, to creating a long and healthy career. You just – you do need somebody guiding you, because you – most of the time you can’t even get in the door without, without someone on your behalf knocking on it, with the right people. In a way it was – going back to drama school, one of the – there were two reasons why I went back to drama school. Because I didn’t have the confidence to, to move into an industry without the – in a way, the qualification, or the – the certificate, but I also knew that I couldn’t function in the industry without an agent. And drama school was the only place to really cultivate that, I think.

Interviewer: Yeah. Is there anything that you feel has changed dramatically from the start of your career towards the point now, is there anything that surprised you on the way?

RA: My face! I mean *laughing*, please, can I just like pick it up off the floor! It’s really hard to age on screen. Over, over twenty years. It’s really hard when you look like a-

SD: Can still see it, yeah, I know

RA: -my goodness. You’ve really got to embrace that side of it, y’know.

SD: I used to be the youngest on set! Always, for like ages, I’m always the youngest on set.

RA: Do you behave differently now though? Still behave like you’re the youngest?

SD: Yeah! *Laugh* I do! Um, what’s changed? What’s major things have changed?

Interviewer: Something that surprised you that you weren’t expecting about the industry when you kind of started out.

SD: I think we’re moving in a better direction now, towards more… is the word ‘inclusivity’? Is that a word?

RA: Yeah.

SD: Um, which I think is sadly lacking in our industry, and needs to be wrestled with – should’ve been wrestled with a long time ago – and different jobs, people being educated with different jobs, that’s starting to, starting to open up now to different people from different backgrounds, and I think that’s – as far as I’m concerned, the more you open up, the more talent you’re gonna get. And it’s as simple as that really. It’s nothing to do with where you’re from, or what you’re age – it’s y’know, you open up, you open your search wider, you’re gonna find better, better people. And um, so I’m glad about that. That’s a really good, positive thing. And even daft things, like the amount of female directors I’m now suddenly being directed by, and it’s just – it’s great, it’s really nice, ‘cause different people bring different things, and different backgrounds, different experiences, life experiences – they bring that to the table and they can’t help but make you - make it all better.

RA: Actually, there was something I wanted to add to what Shaun said, about inclusivity, is that um, no matter how – how much confidence you have or how, in my case, lack. Y’know, I always felt like a misfit, or an oddball, or that I didn’t belong. But I always – I always told myself that ‘you exist in the world, so therefore there’s a place for you in this industry’. I think anybody who feels like, “I can’t become an actor because…” – you exist. And, y’know, the job of filmmakers is to write about our life and society, and if you are a part of that, then there’s a place for you in the industry.

[echodrops]

Home and a Half Pidge Headcanons

An ask I got yesterday reminded me that I never posted the HaaH headcanons for Pidge like I promised, so here they are! (I’ll answer the actual ask as soon as I can with some new material instead of headcanons I already had written... oops...)

Anyway, without further ado, some headcanons for Pidge related to my fic Home and a Half!

Pidge:

- Grew up in the picture of the nuclear family: mom, dad, two kids, dog, nice upper-middle-class house in a quiet neighborhood, dinner on the table at 7:30pm on the dot… Of all the paladins, Pidge had the most stable and “average” childhood… at least on paper.

 - In reality, there is not a single person in the Holt family who isn’t eccentric as fuck. Grandma Holt? May or may not still be an active intelligence agent for MI6. The dog? Woofs in Morse code. Auntie Ariana? Has actually seen the Jersey Devil. Colleen Holt? Has killed a man. If you ask Pidge, she’ll say that her upbringing was perfectly normal and she’ll genuinely mean it, but this is a consequence Pidge having no idea what “normal” even means.

 Rest under the read more to save your dash:

- Not actually a girly-girl when she was young. Although they’re eight years apart and thus unlikely to be mistaken for one another, very early on Pidge got frustrated by how similar she and Matt look, and she definitely did not want to wear his tacky hand-me-down clothes, so she pitched a royal fit and insisted on wearing dresses and hairbands so that her family would have to buy Pidge all her own things. (They probably would have bought them anyway if she’d just asked calmly, but Pidge was three at the time, and they were all very impressed by her grasp of cause and effect.)

 - Of course, when Matt disappeared on the ill-fated Kerberos trip, those tacky hand-me-downs ended up being some of the most important items in Pidge’s life. Even outside of infiltrating Garrison, wearing Matt’s old clothes was one of the few comforts Pidge would allow herself—when she cut her hair and put on his baggy shirts, for a second, looking in a mirror, she could almost convince herself he was still there—

 - Pidge has no intention of changing the way she dresses or styles her appearance until she’s reunited with Matt and her father. After that? Well, they may not be the coolest looking things ever, but Matt does have a point that baggy t-shirts are very comfy…

 - And okay, because I’m sure everyone expected this headcanon first: Pidge and gender is a surprisingly uncomplicated subject. Side note before I go further: I’m sure everyone has their own headcanons for this and none of what I say here should be taken as rejecting or invalidating any other fan’s views on Pidge. The only thing invalid in the Voltron fandom is canon. Anyway, I personally like to imagine that Pidge is very ambivalent on gender. There is so much else going on—the war, Sam and Matt being missing, freaking giant robot space cats—that sitting down and sorting out the question of “Do I identify as male, female, nonbinary, or anything else?” is just really, really low on Pidge’s to do list. Pidge thinks of Pidge as “Pidge” and even that’s rare because Pidge doesn’t sit around thinking about herself or what other people think of her.

 - In fact, what strangers think is, in general, extremely low on Pidge’s radar. Although she used to be more self-conscious due to bullying from both classmates and her teachers, the combination of her parents’ consistent support and Matt’s… extreme tactics (“I’m telling you Pigeon, nanobots in their lunches will solve all your problems.” “That’s illegal, Matt.” “Nothing is illegal until you get caught.”) Pidge (mostly) overcame the phase of being affected by other people’s opinions. Who cares what strangers think? Absolutely none of them will ever be even close to as smart and talented as her family anyway. (My IQ is three times yours, your argument about my gender is literally invalid.)

 - By the way, I’m using “her” simply because that’s what I’m used to seeing in the fandom and to keep the fic and headcanons consistent, but in the functional world of HaaH, Pidge answers to any pronouns and doesn’t have a preference for any set in particular over others. In fact, Pidge is used to going by different sets of pronouns coming from different people, and might be “he” to one person, “she” to another, and “they” to yet someone else. Pidge is just… Pidge.

 - Again, with the war and Voltron and missing family and literally everything else going on--and the fact Pidge is far more practical than all of the rest of her fellow Team Voltron members combined--she isn’t wasting time and energy doing something as troublesome as falling in love with an alien. (“Keith, can’t your melodrama wait until after we win the war?” “My drama waits for no man.” “Then please explain how you and Lance manage to engage in synchronized dumb-fuckery at least three times a week.”) Eventually, after life has settled down and Pidge has had some time to think about it, she’ll realize that the reason she somehow managed to avoid any romantic entanglements in space isn’t because she’s just much more mature than her teammates (although this might be true)—it’s that she’s just not really interested in romantic engagements with anybody, period. 

 - Pidge’s one true love is discovery; she feels far more passionate about knowledge and learning new things, encountering new puzzles, and grasping new concepts than she does about anything else. In between all her creations and codes and experiments and observations, it just doesn’t feel like there’s room—or that there needs to be room—for a romantic relationship with a real person.

 - Pidge will make room for friends though, if and when they insist on worming their ways into her life. She tends to be a fairly private person who has never really had a large friend group (back on Earth, before Garrison, there wasn’t anyone but Matt and her parents who really understood her, and she didn’t have much in common to discuss with children her own age), but once someone earns Pidge’s trust, she does open up and form close bonds and she will give her all to help and be there for her few, but close, friends.

 - Meeting Hunk at Garrison was a huge revelation. Up to that point in Pidge’s life she had never really met any young person outside her own family with a soaring genius-level IQ that was a match for her own. Although she and Hunk bicker frequently because their approaches to science are extremely different, she’s still over-the-moon to have someone who doesn’t stare at her like she’s talking gibberish whenever she goes off on one of her tangents.

 - If you ask Pidge, she will violently swear up and down that Lance never and in. no. way. reminds her of Matt, fills in for Matt in the lame-older-brother role, or helps her miss her brother just a little bit less. That did not happen, never had a chance of happening, what are you even talking about—

 - But if you ask about Shiro, she will be flat-out honest and admit she totally thinks of him as Space Dad. It’s not her fault. Shiro literally hero worships Sam Holt (still to this day!!) and may or may not have taken on more of his mentor’s mannerisms in order to fill the leadership role for Team Voltron. Sometimes Shiro will say or do something and Pidge will be absolutely dumb-struck because he got that from my dad is an actual thing she has to deal with.

- “Pidge” is actually a derivative of “Pigeon.” Everyone in the Holt family has a bird-based code name. Mr. Holt is Eagle Two.

 - People often get the impression that Pidge is scatterbrained because she can talk about ten different things at once and pounces on leaps in her own logic that other people just can’t follow, but her thoughts and speech are very organized. It’s not her fault you couldn’t understand her system of organization if you tried.

 - Put Pidge on the spot on a subject she doesn’t know, though, and watch the awkward jump right out. (“Oh, you meant the pop band Galileo, not the person. You know, that’s really an easy mistake to make. You can hardly blame me when you stop to consider all the similarities between modern chord progression and the trajectory of supermassive objects like—”)

 - And if it’s not awkward, it’s defensive. Pidge may be hyper-intelligent, but she’s still very, very young, and it’s hard not to get snappish when challenged by people whose opinions she really does care about. She has a far quicker temper than Matt (who is a “revenge is a dish best served cold” champion), a trait she shares with their mother. Colleen, in turn, blames it on her having been born in New Jersey. Pidge has flipped so many tables on the Castleship that Coran and Lance eventually went around and bolted them all down.

 - Do not even so much as hint that Sam and Matt Holt might be dead instead of just missing in space. Keith is still scared after his last attempt at reasoning with Pidge about her family’s fate.

 - Has a bad hoarding habit. Back on Earth she had her parents there to insist she clean her room at least once a week, but in space, things are getting a bit crazy. The Castleship closets and cabinets can hyper-condense their contents and she’s STILL running out of room for all the neat doodads and parts and scientific wonders she finds on their adventures across the galaxy. Is definitely in the “Look, there’s still a mostly clear path to the door; it’s fineee” category. It’s not like she finds it hard to let things go once she’s gotten attached to them or anything. Nope. Definitely not.

 - Pidge’s mess is absolutely of the “everything has a proper place” type though. Move anything with her name on it and you will feel her wrath.

- As the only one of the Earth paladins to have technology on her when they were unexpectedly swept off to war, everyone on the ship relies on Pidge’s laptop for their monthly dose of Earth nostalgia. Good thing for them Pidge and Matt’s pirating skills put Pirate Bay to shame, and she’s got basically every Earth movie from 1980 to the present. She even has every episode of the timeless classic F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (Keith hates that show with a burning passion that even he cannot explain.)

 - Speaking of technology Pidge had on Earth—every single person in the Holt family is (and has been for decades) aware of the existence of aliens. Pidge’s family tree has been involved in communications, radio wave technology, and interpreting space observations since those fields were first invented. When Earth first identified patterns of waves that obviously corresponded to alien communications going on outside Earth’s galaxy, Pidge’s great- great- grandfather was there. When world governments covered up the discovery, he was the loudest voice of dissent. Since then, the Holt family has been deeply involved in military and space operations across several countries, operating from within an oppressive system they fundamentally disagree with, using their positions of authority to monitor the Milky Way and beyond, keeping tabs on what the aliens might be saying—and what messages Earth might be inadvertently sending back.

 - Of course this is top secret work—secret even from the Garrison and government where the Holts were employed. Other kids learn how to play piano and soccer; Pidge and Matt learned how to hack virtually impenetrable military databases and hide their data behind uncrackable ciphers instead.

 - But the Kerberos Mission was supposed to be safe. They’d all monitored the chatter so closely—there hadn’t been anything hostile anywhere even near Earth’s galaxy, no sign at all of any technologically advanced race like the Galra in years and nothing about one little Earth mission that would disturb any other intergalactic travelers anyway… Why would they...

 - Pidge is surprisingly athletic for a self-professed nerd. With youthful energy to burn and a family to save, Pidge took to Allura and Coran’s intense Altean training like a duck to water, and while she’s not quite Shiro or Keith when it comes to hand-to-hand combat, she can definitely holds up better than Hunk or Lance.

 - Favorite color is actually yellow, and if Green wasn’t totally The Coolest™ lion, she’d be sort of salty about Hunk getting the Yellow Lion instead.

 - Absolutely capable of cursing up a blue storm, and hasn’t been friends with Hunk quite long enough yet to remember to censor herself around him all the time like Lance does with his “Holy crow!”s. She’s trying, dammit!

 - Big on pets. Gets attached to pet-shaped creatures (whether living or robotic) very easily. 110% kept the space caterpillars, who live happily free-roaming the piles of space junk in her bedroom. The space caterpillars and the space mice do not get along, however, as the space mice do not take well to having their status as the favored fuzzy team mascot squad threatened. In their micro-Cold War, which is occurring without any of the ship’s humanoid occupants being aware, the space caterpillars are currently winning.

 - The caterpillars’ names are Copernicus, Kepler, and Newton.

 - Remember that one post about Lance drawing angry brows on the space caterpillar and siccing it on Keith? I very much accept that as canon. Pidge was Not Happy™ when she found out what Lance had done and she is NOT letting anyone else near her caterpillars again any time soon. Is very, very careful not to let Niresh see the space caterpillars so that they don’t end up stolen right from under her nose.

 - Speaking of the kids, Pidge is super awkward with them and skedaddles at the first sign of tears. Next to Allura, there is probably not any member of the team worse suited to babysitting duty. That said, as someone who has lost members of her family in the war, Pidge is probably the member of the team who most directly understands Dulsara’s anger and the children’s loss. That doesn’t mean she’s really ready to let herself sympathize with the Galra though, at least not until she finds her own family first.

- Pulls all the most bullshit moves in Monsters and Mana. Whenever the team reminiscences on the truly legendary moments from their campaigns, somehow Pidge is the star in all of them.

And that’s all I’ve got for now!

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “Trapped” Part 4

Almost one year ago, someone tried to kill The Joker in a speeding car and Y/N pushed him out of the way, getting hit instead. With a fractured skull and broken bones, she was out of business for 6 months; when she finally recovered, The Queen of Gotham wasn’t the same anymore. Trapped inside her own mind and exhibiting severe cognitive impairment, Y/N’s life switched upside down without any hope of ever returning to normal.

Part 1       Part 2      Part 3      Part 5

Next Morning

“We’re done here, OK?” The Joker shouts and you stomp away, furious at his behavior.

“Of course we are done, who the hell would put up with you?!! You’re horrible!!!”

“It finally clicked? Good!!!! Come on, speed it up and disappear!!!!” he points at the top of the hill where your car is parked.

You walk faster and J is increasingly frustrated with each step you take.

“So what you said was a lie?!” he yells before he can stop himself. “You assured me I’ll get used with being loved and here you are running from me! Hypocrite! Who’s the liar now, huh?”

You turn around, stunned.

How dare he twist your most intimate confessions in such a manner?

Y/N and The Joker glare at each other for a few moments before you voice all the bitterness and resentment building up in your heart loud enough for him to hear:

“I hate you!”

“Oh yeah?” he smirks. “Perfect! I’m used to it!”

You reprise your stroll, determined not to fall into his little traps anymore: this time is over and you have to put as much distance in between the two of you in the next few seconds before he attempts one of his tricks.

Not that you would fall for it again, but you never know…

One last glare while you try to open the car door and you see him flair his arms around loudly screaming at his phone; your fingers keep missing the lock and you kick the metal frame, irritated. Another glance and you spot a vehicle driving in the parking lane towards where The Joker is.

“J?...” you hesitantly call out to him yet The Joker probably has the earbuds in so he can’t hear you. “J!!!” you wave to get his attention without success. “Oh my God!” you rush back in his direction when you realize that SUV will hit him if it continues the present trajectory. “J!!! J!!!!”

The King is too absorbed in his business conversation thus he finally sees Y/N next to him as she violently pushes him out of harm’s way.

The strong impact wakes you up and you gasp for air, panicked. Your troubled mind has difficulty catching up with reality: a damaged brain can’t possibly render any type of comfort in this situation.

“Why are you crying?” J mumbles half asleep. “Did you have a bad dream?”

You seem confused and unresponsive to his questions, no other choice besides waking up to check on you.

“Calm down. You had a nightmare, ok?” he pulls the agitated Y/N in his arms. “ Hey, it’s me!”

You whimper at the pain paralyzing your body and don’t complain when he drags you on top of him; it actually feels soothing having someone close that understands what’s happening to you.

“Don’t hold me so tight, I can’t breathe,” J pecks your forehead where the blood clot pressing on your frontal lobe should be. “Better?” he asks a tearful girlfriend that ultimately begins to understand she wasn’t hit by a car minutes ago: it’s an ordeal she already went through months ago despite the aftermath of the accident still creating problems. “Such an early bird,” The Clown yawns since he won’t be able to doze off after your episode. “Only 7 am Princess…” the grumbled noises make you receptive to his complaint. “What about you give me some sugar in exchange for my services?” J suggests, quite puzzled when you roll off him and stumble out of the bedroom. “Where are you going?!”

You don’t answer because you’re concentrating just on what your neurons were able to translate in such a short notice: your man wants sugar. That’s why you’re in a big hurry to bring him a bag containing the sweet product, happily offering the item to his majesty The King of Gotham.

“For God’s sake, Pumpkin!” he accepts the gift nevertheless and places it on the covers. “That’s not what I meant,” he snatches Y/N in his arms and kisses her.

“No…sugar?...” you inquire out of genuine curiosity.

“I already got it,” he mischievously smirks at your bafflement, deciding to exercise your skills at once. “Say Princess: if I give you two kisses and then I give you two more, how many kisses do you get?”

“Ummm…” you debate on the question,”… not enough?”

“Due to your high standards, certainly,” The Joker huffs at the genuine reply. “Your solution is not wrong, but I’m looking for a number. Two plus two? Come on, you already know this one!”

“Mmmm… Four?...” you blur out and get groped as reward.

“Good girl!” J proudly applauds your abilities at crack of dawn. “Enough algebra for this morning,” he changes topic. “Your doctor appointment is at 10; you should take a shower soon,” and he rambles on until something is clear: the blank expression on your face hints at the outcome.

“You’re not listening, are you?” he suspiciously inquires.

“No.”

Why would you? Your brain’s self-defense mechanism prevailed at all the information flooding your deteriorated synapses and the result was blocking the outpour of sentences.

“That was a 10 minutes speech, Pumpkin!” The Joker grouchily admonishes the carefree Y/N.

“11,” you gesture at the clock on the wall.

“11 what?”

“11 minutes, not 10,” you nonchalantly conclude.

“Oh, so you have the audacity to time me while you don’t bother keeping up?!”

“Yes,” you giggle and hide your face under the pillow.

“That’s preposterous!”

“Hm?...” your nose emerges from under the cushion at the fascinating word you can’t recollect being in your current vocabulary.

“Preposterous, Princess!” J repeats.”… Stop laughing, would you?” he forcefully hijacks your pillow and you snicker because whatever-the-heck- it-means Preposterous Princess sounds like a hilarious nickname. “You wanna play games?” The Clown Prince of Crime sucks on his silver teeth willing to bring a final showdown to this magical day. “Fine, remember you made me with your abominable behavior!” he reaches for the nightstand in order to grab his favorite deck of cards. “Pick a card, any card; I won’t peak,” J watches the captivated woman pluck her choice from the mound. “Now put it in the stack,” he urges and you follow the instructions.

The Joker vigorously shuffles the cards then searches for yours.

“Is this it?” he triumphantly flicks the Joker card out of the bunch.

You nod a yes completely smitten he guessed again and your terrible half steals a kiss, triumphantly growling to himself:

“Who’s  laughing now, huh?”

*************

After Your Doctor’s Appointment

J slides the screen on his phone and before he can utter anything you announce:

“Hi, this is Pre… Pro… Mmm… W-wait,” you stammer and gather your thoughts. “This is Preposterous Princess.”

The Joker sighs, definitely unamused at your 5th call in a row to tell him what’s going on at your routine consultation: he barely finished counting the ammo boxes he received with the shipment after you left and going over the heist scheme for next week it’s made impossible by Y/N.

“Pumpkin, I will remind you that’s not what I meant when I said that word. It was Preposterous COMA Princess!! Two separate entities, alright? We need to have a serious discussion after you get home.”

“I have to go, Pro… Ummm… Preposterous Princess is at…at the gates,” you say it very fast and hang up, excited to share news with him.

Yet The Clown is already acquainted with the whole development on your condition: the doctor’s office contacted him after your departure in order to brief him on Y/N health. The blood clot is a bit smaller since it keeps reabsorbing; the cognitive issues are there, tests ended up pretty much within normal range except one, thus it’s necessary for the two of you to have the dialogue he mentioned about.

Five more minutes and you barge in his office holding your yellow teddy bear and for the first time in his life The Joker can’t help regretting he’s about to burst someone’s bubble.

You approach the desk and set the ultrasound picture in front of him waiting for his reaction; your bright smile doesn’t go well with how gloomy he appears, literally an understatement anyway.

“Baby,” you tap the image just in case he didn’t realize what he’s staring at.

“I know, Pumpkin. We can’t keep it.”

“Hm…?” your smile gradually dies out as you comprehend he’s not on the same page with your wishes.

“We can’t keep the baby, it’s very dangerous given you merely survived a severe trauma. I was told it’s nearly impossible for you to have kids, that’s why I didn’t use… Anyway… I admit this one’s on me and the conclusion is… … we can’t keep the baby.”

“No baby?” you sniffle.

“Nope, it would be too harsh on your body. Plus, you won’t be able to use your anti-inflammatory medication if you’re pregnant.”

“I want baby!”

“Are you deaf??!” J slams the desk with his fist, annoyed. “You can’t have a child, it could kill you. Do you want to perish?!” he rises from his chair.

“No… I want you and baby.”

“No way in hell!” he snarls at your defiance.

“Why can’t I h-have baby? Because… because I’m stupid?” you cuddle with your plush toy, heartbroken at his approach.

“You’re not stupid, but I’m beginning to have doubts if what I told you doesn’t make sense!”

“I want baby!” you whisper on the verge of crying.

“I want baby,” The Joker mocks and watches your demeanor change: it doesn’t take a genius to detangle the mystery of how hurt you seem.

“Are…are you making fun of me?!”

The King is a jerk, no doubt about it. Despite his obvious flaws he never ridiculed someone’s disability; it’s simply beneath him. One could say this is a new low for him and he cannot erase it: Y/N’s cognitive impairment is clearly sacred ground he trespassed on a whim when he shouldn’t have.

“If…if you were like me… I wouldn’t laugh at… at you,” you wipe your tears, sobbing. “I’m not smart… anymore but I can m-make decisions, ok? I want baby!”

“I said no!” J yells, fired up you won’t listen to reason.

“I don… I don’t care!” you storm out of the office and trip on the carpet, almost falling to the ground. “It’s my baby!”

“It’s mine also unless you have another boyfriend!!”

**************

You’ve been gone for the last hour; it’s a big place yet it shouldn’t be so difficult to find one’s partner.

The Joker dials your number and inquires as soon as you blow your nose on the other side of the line.

“Is this The Preposterous Princess?”

Dead air again; Y/N isn’t in the mood to speak to the man she can’t forgive for his transgression. In addition to him disregarding her intention of keeping the offspring, he made her feel dumb and that’s unforgivable.

“Y/N, where are you?!” J descends the steps leading to the basement, the last area he didn’t searched for his missing woman. He opens the boiler room, nothing. The pantry reveals zero clues either. The janitorial supplies closet is a different story; a box of sponges flies by his ear, immediately accompanied by a hateful tone:

“Go away!”

“You almost broke my nose,” he over exaggerates. “What are you doing here anyway? I’ve been looking all over the house!” “I’m hiding baby from you,” you clearly enunciate without stammering.

“Give me a break,” he drops on his knees in front of you. “I don’t want you to kick the bucket, why is that a bad thing?”

“I want baby!”

“Stubborn mule, you sound like a scratched CD that skips and skips and skips,” he barks at your persistence.

“Hm?” you crinkle your nose.

“Scratched CD!” he brings his face close to yours, pleased an opportunity for his plan has arisen. “First of all, if you want to keep the kid you have to promise not to die; second, I have no desire to become a father and third of all pick a card!” he shoves them in your fingers, perfectly aware that if you can’t process all the stuff he’s yapping at an amazing speed, you’ll get distracted and forget you’re mad at him; including one of your favorite games to the equation should seal the outcome.

“Hm?”

“Chop, chop, pick a card Pumpkin!”

You suspiciously pluck your item and then shove it back in the bundle.

The Joker steals a kiss while figuring out your card and you protest:

“I don’t… I don’t want your four kisses!”

“That’s too bad, I do come with four kisses, it’s a bundle deal!” J dismisses your logic connected to this morning’s algebra lesson. “Is this your card?” he shows you the Jester card and your mouth opens in amazement.

“A-ha!”

He fights with himself if he should disclose the secret: you don’t seem totally diverted and his plot could misfire due to inaction.

It’s not worth it.

“Do you know how I select the correct card?”

“No.”

“Each single time Pumpkin you invariably pick The Joker card.”

You sulk at the revelation since it’s true: you don’t recall sorting another card from the deck.

“I do… I always choose you…”

He doesn’t have a response and the chat is taking a strange turn, not precisely what he was aiming for.

“Yeah, well… good for you, Princess…” he stands and offers his hand to help you up.

Another smooch as bonus for his assistance whilst The Queen pouts at his impertinence: he has such a nerve!

Perhaps because he comes with four kisses.

It’s a bundle deal.

 Also read: MASTERLIST

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

[joealwyndaily]

 Joe Alwyn — Red Magazine (Jan 2020) interview 

You’d think that a back-to-back Hollywood movie career and a megastar girlfriend might have changed Joe Alwyn, but he’s quick to assure Nathalie Whittle that his feet remain firmly on the ground. 

“So you didn’t see the part where the aliens attack?” asks Joe Alwyn, a playful smirk on his face. He’s referring to his latest film, Harriet, which I had a sneak preview of the previous day, although the fire evacuation (false alarm) meant I missed the ending. The biographical drama tells the story of Harriet Tubman (played by Cynthia Erivo), the historic abolitionist who escaped slavery and led hundreds of others to freedom. Alwyn plays her insufferably cruel and capricious slave master Gideon Brodess. He is, of course, joking about the aliens. At least, I hope he is. Today, we’re tucked away in the corner of a dimly lit bar at London’s Covent Garden Hotel. It’s the sort of drizzly afternoon that might dampen the moods of most, but not Alwyn. He appears cheery and at ease, sporting country casuals: a grey mohair jumper, blue jeans, and brown boots along with an unkempt beard; perhaps an attempt to disguise the boyish good looks he’s become known for. He stops to interrupt me only once with a look of alarm: he’s forgotten to offer me something to eat or drink. I can have anything I want, he assures me.

At 28, Alwyn has had the sort of career trajectory that most aspiring actors wistfully dream about for years, even decades. His education included a degree in English literature and drama at the University of Bristol, followed by a BA in acting at London’s Royal Central School of Speech and Drama. But within two weeks of his graduate showcase, Alwyn received a life-changing phone call. He refers to it as the thing “I owe everything to.”

“I’d just signed with an agent and I was kind of pinching myself, you know, how surreal is that?” he says. “She sent me a portion of the script for a film, Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, that Ang Lee was directing. I’d grown up watching his films — Brokeback Mountain and Life of Pi — so I couldn’t believe I was even going to do a tape for someone like that. I got my dad to film me in a scene in my bedroom and some mates to film me during a lunch break. The next thing I know, Ang wants to meet me in New York.” Cue a series of auditions and screen tests that led to Alwyn bagging the title role in his first big-budget Hollywood film. He was just 24. “It was so much so fast that I didn’t really compute what was going on,” he concedes. “Before that I was just a poor student who barely understood how people got auditions, let alone landed jobs.” Did he have any jobs before that? I ask. “I did have this one job in London,” he says wryly. “Do you know that frozen yogurt place, Snog?” I’m struggling to picture Alwyn serving up frozen delights. He’s laughing now. Was it a good gig? “Exceptional!” More laughter follows. “I mean, I was paid some money! Then I worked in a menswear shop. I did what I could to make some extra cash.”

A far cry from a frozen-yogurt counter, doors started opening to bigger and better opportunities as soon as Billy Lynn hit cinemas. The next script Alwyn read was Yorgos Lanthimos’s The Favourite (released in 2019), in which he secured a small but riotous role as young baron Samuel Masham alongside acting greats Olivia Colman and Emma Stone. “Putting on giant wigs and running around in make-up and chasing Emma Stone through the forest — what more could you want?” he laughs. The film earned widespread critical acclaim, receiving seven BAFTAs and a record 10 British Independent Film awards. 

Having further honed his craft in subsequent films Mary Queen of Scots and gay-conversion therapy drama Boy Erased, Alwyn is about to enter into unknown territory. This Christmas, he’ll play Bob Cratchit in his first-ever TV drama, BBC One’s A Christmas Carol; a “darker, twisted, less glossy” version of the Charles Dickens classic. He’s “feeling good about it,” but I’m curious as to how he’s approached this change of scenery. Was he not nervous? “Oh, very. I tried to watch other people. It’s the second time I’ve worked with Guy Pearce [who plays Scrooge] and I asked him a lot of stuff, which probably annoyed him. I watched the way he works and the questions he asked on set when he was approaching a scene.”

Two people who will definitely be watching Alwyn’s TV debut are his mother, a psychotherapist, and his father, a documentary-maker. “They’d better be watching!” he laughs. Born in London’s Tufnell Park, Alwyn recalls being given stacks of videos every birthday and “watching them to death, until the tapes burned up.” One of his favourites was The Mask of Zorro. In fact, he was so obsessed with it that he and his best friend took up fencing lessons at a local community centre in Crouch End, where, by chance, he was spotted by a local casting agent for the hit British romcom Love Actually. She asked him to audition for the role of Sam; he breaks into a wide smile when I ask what he remembers of it. “I didn’t know much about what the film was; I was most excited about the fact I got the day off school! But I remember being in a room with Richard Curtis and Hugh Grant reading scenes, many of which didn’t make it into the film. And I left the audition thinking, ‘I really recognize that guy from somewhere’.”

Alwyn didn’t get the part. Instead, he forgot about acting for a while, with the exception of summer holidays, where his parents would send him and his older brother off to “some drama camp as a way of preoccupying us.” He explains that when he later realized he wanted to act on a serious level, he kept it a secret. Was it because he was worried how his parents would react to a somewhat precarious career choice? “Well, it meant putting myself out there in a performative way, and that wasn’t necessarily something I did or was used to doing. It felt like it should be quite a ‘look at me’ job, and that wasn’t really how I felt growing up. I wasn’t a painfully introverted kid, but I wasn’t a particularly extroverted one, either. So maybe I was self-conscious about the idea of saying to people, ‘Look, I can do this’.”

He credits drama school with giving him “permission” to go for it. “Plus my parents were great about it. They’re both freelance themselves, so while they recognize the perils, they also couldn’t say to me, ‘We can follow what we want, but you can’t’. There wasn’t a boundary, which helped a lot.”

I wonder if it’s been difficult acclimatizing to the level of fame that’s come as result of his roles. “There have definitely been changes that have taken some getting used to, whether it’s sitting down and doing an interview or someone recognizing you,” he says. “There are things that have changed in my life, but I still very much feel like the same person. It probably helps that I’ve been hanging out with the same friends literally every day since I was 12 years old. Maybe it’s when those things change that people change, I don’t know.”

It’s fair to say that the level of interest in Alwyn has, in part, been heightened by the fact that, in his spare time he plays the role of Mr. Taylor Swift. The pair reportedly met in late 2016 and became in item shortly afterwards. I’ve been warned ahead of our meeting that Alwyn “doesn’t talk about that”, and he’s keen to justify his stance in person. “I feel like my private life is private and everyone is entitled to that.” he says. “I’ve read stories recently about people like Ben Stokes and Gareth Thomas, which are a gross invasion of their privacy and of their lives. It’s disgusting. That’s not journalism, that’s just invasive.”

It must be tough, I suggest, being in a relationship that is surrounded by so much scrutiny. “I just don’t read the headlines,” he says. “I really don’t, because I can guarantee 99% of them are made up. So I ignore it.” Recent rumours suggest the pair are engaged, and are owed in part to one of Swift’s latest songs, Lover (’My hearts been borrowed and yours has been blue. All’s well that ends well to end up with you’), as well as a piece of string tied around Swift’s finger in a Vogue cover shoot. According to die-hard fans, this means something. But to Alwyn, it’s clear it means nothing at all. Is he never tempted to respond to the mistruths, to shut them down? “No, because it’s just pointless,” he sighs. “It won’t change anything. I just don’t pay any attention. I have my life and it’s kind of separate to all that stuff.”

I’m curious as to how much time he gets to simply enjoy the success he’s experiencing. “There’s lots of time not working, I wish there was less in a way!” he laughs. “I go to the pub, play football, go to gigs, watch TV (he’s just finished season three of True Detective), pretty normal things. There’s no ‘secret life’. But ultimately, I worry about finding the next job; that’s the truth. In the midst of everything, there’s always that feeling of ‘I’m never going to work again’. It’s a cliche, but you can’t just sit there waiting for the phone to ring. You have to try and take control. You’re at the mercy of the things you seek out — the directors and the connections — so I try to be on top of that as I can and read what I’m sent and be discerning. I try to pick wisely and follow up on people and leads that I’m interested in.”

Is there an end point he wants to get to, where he’ll feel like he’s made it? “Things have certainly shifted in my twenties,” he says. “Success to me now is doing things that make me happy and that make me feel fulfilled, doing what I want to do and being on the right track. Not in terms of being on a results-based track, but just doing something I love.” He pauses and smiles. “That sounds a bit sentimental, doesn’t it?” 

[superlinguo]

Linguistics Jobs: Interview with a Community Outreach Coordinator

I often talk about the time I spent working in community radio. Not because I worked there very long (it was only a few hours a week in my final year of undergrad), but because it was a very formative experience, it still influences the way I teach, and the importance of communicating my research to different audiences. In today’s interview, Olivia Fava also shares my enthusiasm for radio. You can follow Olivia on Twitter (@o_fava).

What did you study at university?

I attended McMaster University in Hamilton (Ontario, Canada). Fun fact: I actually started my university career in the chemistry/physics stream! I didn’t know what linguistics was in high school while I was deciding my major, but I realized pretty quickly that the sciences weren’t for me. Once I learned about linguistics, I realized it would be a perfect fit and switched over in my second year of university.

I took a broad range of courses in my first couple of years, but by my fourth year, I had concentrated the most on semantics and pragmatics. Linguistics majors at my university are also required to study at least two languages from two different language families; I studied Japanese, Italian, and American Sign Language (ASL). I also spent a semester on exchange in Japan in pursuit of my language credits, which worked out well because it was both a great experience and one that was very useful towards my degree.

I graduated this past June, but I’m currently working at my university, so I’m still continuing to take linguistics courses that I didn’t have the time or space to take while I was a full-time student. I’ll be starting a course on programming for linguists soon, which I’m very excited for.

What is your job?

I work at my university’s radio station (93.3 CFMU), and my job title is Community Outreach Coordinator. I’ve volunteered there as a radio host for about three years now, so once I graduated I applied for a job and the rest is history!

Day-to-day, I host the morning show and do interviews on local news, culture, and politics. I also plan, oversee, and write and/or edit all of our other news and arts coverage, mostly articles or videos. Communications-wise, I manage a fair bit of our external communications and all of our social media. I also help train and supervise our part-time staff and volunteers. Our staff is small, so I end up wearing a lot of hats, but I’d say most of my work falls under the umbrella of media and journalism.

In a given day, I’ll most likely go from hosting the morning show, to training volunteers, over to editing articles, and then researching ideas for new articles or documentaries (and, of course, there’s always emails to answer in-between). It’s a very fast-paced job that demands a lot of creativity and adaptability. As a campus radio station, we’ve been moving a lot more into podcasting as well since that’s very popular with my generation, so I also spend some time on audio editing. With how popular podcasting has been recently, that’s experience I’m really glad I’m getting now!

How does your linguistics training help you in your job?

It helps me immensely! Being able to pronounce names more accurately in interviews is the one that non-linguists will immediately pick up on, but linguistics training also helps me in subtler ways.

I’m especially grateful for having studied semantics and pragmatics, because picking up on the finer shades of meaning words have can really help in interviews. Listening carefully to the words my guest uses and understanding presupposition and other speech acts really helps me understand precisely what they’re trying to convey, whether they’re experienced speakers or first-time interviewees. It also helps me pick up on how they feel about a particular topic, what they might be hinting at or not saying directly, and what lines of questioning I should explore more for maximum impact. And, most importantly, it helps me do all this quickly.

That quick linguistic analysis ultimately helps me come up with good, pertinent questions to ask as I am met with new information, which is a very useful skill for doing interviews. A secondary part of my job is also training other people on how to do interviews, so I definitely appreciate having the terminology on hand to really break down how spoken communication works.

The other thing about my job is how many different people I speak to every day. Studying linguistics has really helped me quickly grasp how a person speaks, and I find that I’m able to modulate my speech to ‘match’ them when necessary. It might seem like a small thing, but it can really help people feel more comfortable.

Also, linguistics has definitely made my writing more accurate and more interesting. My understanding of semantics, syntax, and pragmatics helps make my writing accurate, well-structured, and interesting. With regards to speaking on-air, I find it also helps me understand how to properly use verbal cues like emphasis. I write my own scripts for radio, a medium without visuals where you need to keep your audience engaged with just your writing and your speaking voice, so linguistics has been very useful for that.

Do you have any advice do you wish someone had given to you about linguistics/careers/university?

I mostly just wish I had known about linguistics in high school. The dilemma for me was that I didn’t feel like I quite fit in with either sciences or the humanities. I was more oriented towards languages and literature, but the analytical framework the sciences appealed to me greatly as well. In short, I wanted to do analysis with words, something I didn’t think was even possible. I spent a lot of time in high school and early university worrying over finding the right major, time I don’t think I would have spent if I had known about linguistics sooner. Regarding university more generally, I really wish I’d been told more that changing your path is an absolutely natural thing to do. I always worried that I had a limited number of years to solidify my life path, so redirecting would mean I had “lost” those years I’d spent on whatever I was doing before. Once I adjusted my perspective and realized that life is more than just a single linear trajectory with set time limits, I became much more adaptable – and happier, as well!

Any other thoughts or comments?

Dear reader: if you’re like me and you appreciate both language and scientific analysis (and/or find yourself studying the etymology section of the dictionary in your spare time), you should definitely explore linguistics if you haven’t already. Even if it’s not as a major or career, it will probably a) fascinate and delight you and b) help you better understand how communication works, which can only serve you well in work, school, and life.

And if you are considering going to school for linguistics, I can tell you from my own personal experience that I’m very proud of my major, I can’t think of a single course I didn’t like, and although I’m just starting out in the working world, I can already see the massive benefits studying linguistics has had on my work. I’m very excited to see where my linguistics knowledge will take me in the future!

Recently:

Interview with a Marketing Content Specialist

Interview with a Software Engineer

Interview with a Product Manager

Interview with a Communications Specialist

Interview with a Learning Scientist

Check out the Linguist Jobs Master List and the Linguist Jobs tag for even more interviews 

[jelloopy]

Murder on The Rockport Limited Notes

Previous: Character Creation, HtbG, Moonlighting

Ch 1

Robbie is a halfling who is pretty shitty but he’s good at making “potions” (Robbie is the roommate that everyone really hates but doesn’t want him to leave because he is their plug)

Taako is on the top bunk, Magnus is under Taako, Robbie is next to Taako and Merle is under Robbie

They are woken up at 3 am to report to Lucretia (3 am really?)

”Yeah it’s like Mario Mario or Luigi Mario” ~Griffin (This is so funny because this actually proves that Taako’s last name really is Taaco. Before Justin played it as a joke but this kinda derails that)

Robbie asks them for Pringles when they leave (Thus the beginning of me and the boys not remembering him by anything other than Pringles)

They arrive in their PJs (Taako is in footie pajamas and Merle’s has a flap in at the butt with a Kenny Chesney tattoo on his ass) (When the hell did Merle get that tattoo. Also, why is Lucretia in her full BoB garb right now? Was she asleep and get changed really quickly? Do her robes double as PJ’s? Did she just not go to sleep?)

Taako says he gets night terrors that’s why he’s in like a full-body Onesie/sleeping bag (That is so fricking sad if you think about his backstory later on…)

Magnus just starts changing clothing right then and there when Lucretia tells them that they don’t have time to get ready (This man really has no shame or boundaries. I imagine it was the same in the century tbh)

Leimann Kessler (half-elf man) was murdered before he was even on the train but was able to secure the Relic on the train (Personally, don’t know a lot about how trains work but this to me is kinda odd. Who knew he died? Do their bracers know when the wearer perishes? Is there like a body temp check and a pulse check in there too? We know that it can track them but… how much more can it do…)

All the relics come from a different school of magic. They were never in the hands of someone long enough to learn what they are capable of (Potentially this is a lie. We would have already known the names, schools of magic, and possibly what they could do based upon that alone. I bet Lucretia is hiding that info in her office)

The Gauntlet deals with Evocation magic (Hmmm, I can only imagine why. Maybe because Lup also worked in Evocation magic?)

Avi is manning the cannon! The whole scene with Magnus High as hell. Avi Never learned how to Wink (Avi you’re adorable I love you. Magnus. Get your shit together man.)

Taako pulls the lever too early and they change trajectory into a swamp

Leech fight! (I honest to god forgot this even happened before listening to it again. Not my fave fight)

Ch 2

Merle gets a lot of blood sucked from him by the leeches

Merle is completely submerged in the swamp and Magnus pulls his ass out (Why is it always Merle)

”Scientists have yet to agree” ~Griffin (I personally use this phrase all the time. It just makes me laugh so hard every time.)

Taako can levitate (I really wished he used this more ngl. I would also like to see some more fanart of this)

They are in Rockport! Covered in swamp shit!

Tom Beaudette! We see his house and they get hosed off then they see him at the ticket station again. (What a nice guy!)

Leimann, Diddly, and Justin Kessler (10/10 best alias’ ever)

Taako Charms Tom (It’s a nice go-to huh?)

Merle really wants to murder tom he wanted him to step in front on the train (Merle really is the one who goes straight for murder)

Ch 3

Hudson, Jess the Beheader, Graham Juicy Wizard, ANGUSSSSSSSS, and Jenkins McShittywizard (My favorite train gang!)

Travis making fun of Griffin for how he needs to sleep with 100000000 pillows (I cherish all of these out of character bits where they really just dog on one another)

Angus, my sweet summer child don’t talk to strangers. We know your grandfather’s name was long forgotten even though you’re going to visit him in Never Winter.

The boys legit think Angus is evil and Griffin yells at them bc they are being racist. (1- how are they being legit racist? You haven’t introduced anything about Angus’ race at all?) (2- Jesus he is only 10 years old my dudes)

Graham is 36 years young and is crazy obsessed with trains and his real name is Percy? He is shadowing Jenkins in hopes of learning more about working on a train

Taako from TV! (And so his legend begins!)

Ch 4

Jenkins is harnessing a limited version of teleportation magic

Angus calling the boys out on their bullshit

Taako calling Angus “pumpkin” (Literally melts my heart. I wish someone called me cute nicknames. Also, Taako hasn’t even talked to this kid that much and that name is reoccurring)

Angus has a nondescript blue book that is able to intercept messages sent through magical means (Where did this child get this book and who let him keep it? This is legit just like letting children under 13 have access to the unrestricted internet. It’s literal Hell)

The bit with Angus and “PRYING EYES AND EARS!” (uh foreshadowing my guy)

They find “Jenkins” Dead body after hearing Graham scream

Merle is able to identify a lot of things by looking at the body (It still scares me that he is technically a Physician.)

Angus pulls a small CROSSBOW OUT OF HIS SLEEVE? (Where did he get this, how did he keep it from Hudson, Why the fuck does he have it)

Angus really said “you guys run I’ll get rid of him!” and grabs Graham and runs (How strong is this child. He’s legit lifting and pulling a grown-ass man without help)

”I’m following Angus I’ll see yall in hell!” ~Taako (Yes follow the badass 10-year old please)

”I wanna tell you about the time about this time there were three ogres…”~Taako

The Foley work bit and then Griffin just snapping “The train derails and you all die” (Another out of character goof that I cherish)

”I shit and take 14 damage” ~Griffin (are you okay? How much health do you have? What’s your max HP dude?)

Taako makes the Crab monster Levitate

Magnus punched the crab monster out of the window and it got scrapped up on the side of the train

Ch 5

They follow the Crab into their sleeper car and Magnus attacks with a chair and Griffin says “I imagine because you are so skilled at carpentry that you’ve had to attack someone with a chair before so you are in fact proficient in this attack”

Jess comes in and finishes the crab off with her Soul bound ax that she can conjure at any time (This legit just means that Jenkins did not need to carry her ax to the crypt safe. She let him do it for shits n giggles. We stan)

Jess got her last name legally changed to “Beheader” and Magnus says that he got his legally changed to “The Hammer” (Really Magnus… this isnt 3rd grade stop trying to impress her. It’s that or it could be another sad reference to “Hammer and Tongs” which would mean Julia was “Tongs” D: that is so depressing and cute)

Magnus and Merle are making good progress in solving the murder

”Alright lads” “oh fuck” When Merle keeps up his disguise as Leimann Kessler (It’s so funny because his fake Leimann Kessler is just his current Argonaut Keen.)

”I cast ZONE OF TRUTH” “Jesus you’re like a zone of truth cleric” (Oh honey. This is just the beginning)

Magnus wakes Graham up with a 5% smack with his left hand and then a 6.5% smack also with his left hand (Wtf is this BNHA? Alright Deku)

Taako is an Alcoholic? (He keeps asking for a drink ...This is a bit concerning but it makes sense)

Magnus slaps Graham again with 7.2% and he popped something in Graham’s jaw and he begins screaming but Merle heals him (OKAY DEKU COOL IT MY GUY)

”I wanna be a guy... with a head!” ~” Hudson” (hehe foreshadowing)

SCUTTLE BUDDY!!!!! (A short but adorable life you have my Lil man)

Ch 6

The “fisticuffs” scene with Taako and Angus (Now this is really concerning considering his backstory. I know it’s a joke because of how many people they accidentally kill all the time but like dude… little do you know…)

Angus leading them through the mystery is so cute. But also you know its Griffin trying to get his family to really think it through and I love it. (It really makes my heart really full to hear Griffin get really excited when they figure it out slowly instead of mocking them when they guess wrong)

MERLE YES! MAGNUS YES! YOU’RE GETTING IT! YOU’RE SO CLOSE! (Teamwork makes the dream work baby!)

Magnus jumps out of the train and Griffin gets really serious and gives him the “if you fail this you will actually die” speech (This coupled with the fight scene that Magnus accidentally skipped and the fact that originally Travis did want Magnus to die so he could re-roll a rogue is so wild)

Magnus is gonna become a wrecking ball Jesus (very Magnus-core)

Hell yeah, Magnus! Knock the meat monster into Jenkins!!

Magnus gets hit for 10 points at 1hp and paries it for 10 points! (Top ten anime near-death experiences)

Jenkins threatens to kill the meat monster. Horribly misses then is thrown off the fucking train by the meat monster (Get fucked wrecked Jenkins that’s what you get for being cocky!)

Ch 7

They find the dousing rod compass that Jenkins was using and find the monocle (Pirates of the Caribbean much?)

Taako grabs The Oculus because he has escaped the thrall of a relic before

It tells him that it can make anything he can imagine (This is really interesting tbh)

The Umbrastaff eATS JENKINS WAND!!! and a Lil sigil appears on the handle of the staff that also looks like an umbrella (Lup gets fed lmao. Don’t really understand the Sigil appearing tho. It doesn’t come up any other time I don’t think so it’s cool)

Taako grabs the teleport wand thing and asks everyone to leave and he grabs a bunch of shit from the Cryptsafe pile (Very Taako-core)

They make it to the engineer’s room and Graham tries to slow the train down but he can’t

Taako wanted to open the gate to Never Winter to Phandalin but they change it to Jenkins’ garden because it needs to be a room with “one entrance” (Solid idea on Taako’s part. If it were to work no one would have been hurt)

Taako pushed Angus off the train and he looses two teeth (This man pushed a whole child off the train… ‘Ight)

Magnus dies by jumping off the train (Top ten anime death scenes)

Taako successfully opens the gate into Jenkin’s garden and the train crashes into the garden

Magnus is stabilized by Merle (Awe so the Cleric can do his job!)

Angus gives them pringles for Robbie and the compass. Taako gives Angus one of the forks from his grandfather’s set.

They go to a nearby Never Winter Clinic to get patched up

Out of character, they choose to work on voices and Griffin calls them out bc he’s been doing 8 “different” voices and Clint goes “Yeah try doing that for 40 years” get fuckin rOASTED Ditto! (Also Griffin I love you but like 3 of the voices were the exact same and 2 were so similar it wasn’t funny. Don’t get me wrong different voices aren’t my strong suit either but ya did give it your best shot so.)

We goin’ back to the moon baby!

AVI MY MAIN MAN! (I will forever and always want and need more Avi screen time)

The oculus works with illusory magic (Which is very interesting bc I know it was made by Davenport because he also worked in allusory magic but I don’t ever remember him using any magic… who knows maybe he has and I just never realized)

Lucretia thought they were gonna get it off the train before it left... woman… (You’ve known these men for how long and you thought they were gonna w h a t?)

Next: Lunar Interlude I, 

[plsbyallmeans]

Hillary Clinton on Her Surreal Life and New Hulu Doc: “I’m Not the President, and I Got More Votes! It’s So Crazy!”

The former candidate looks back and laughs. What else is she gonna do?

Hillary Clinton sat serenely before me, as if she didn’t have a care in the world. That was my first surprise as I was ushered into a room at a Pasadena hotel to talk to the former Secretary of State and the woman who won the popular vote in the 2016 election about Hulu’s four-part documentary series, Hillary (premieres March 6). Although she’s been accused of being plodding and dour, Clinton exuded buoyant warmth. And then there was her laugh. At first I was convinced that it was deployed for effect. (Politicians get media training; is laughter training a thing?) But gales of it tumbled out so regularly and recklessly that it seemed clear Clinton was just relaxed—maybe for the first time ever?

Sure, sometimes her laughter sounded rueful, but a lot of us feel rueful these days. And while she has stopped ascending the political ladder, Clinton’s name still sparks both adoration and loathing, as well as generalized post-traumatic stress. Some people wish she would withdraw into media exile rather than shadow the current election like the ghost of campaigns past. That gave some pause to Nanette Burstein, the documentary filmmaker behind The Kid Stays in the Picture and American Teen who took on this project in 2018. Burstein knew the Clinton defeat was still a raw wound for liberal America. But it was a cross she was willing to bear, given the complete editorial control and 35 hours of interviews with her subject she was granted, along with leeway to pose any questions she wanted.

I started to ask Clinton how it felt to participate in this legacy-defining project after so many years of having her life’s narrative framed by others, but the word “framed” triggered an explosive howl of laughter. “By all definitions of that word!” she said, eyes flashing, before collecting herself again.

“I decided to do it because I’m not running for anything and I think my life and my story has parallels with women’s lives and stories and what’s going on in politics,“ Clinton told me resolutely. (This was several weeks before the rumor circulated that Mike Bloomberg was considering asking Clinton to be his running mate.) “Thirty-five hours sitting in a chair answering questions is grueling but I felt like if I didn’t tell my side of the story, who would?” she added with a shrug. “At least there’ll be a baseline: Here’s what actually happened in my life. Here’s what I actually said about it.”

That led to some very uncomfortable conversations about the many scandals that engulfed the Clintons, including her husband’s affair with Monica Lewinsky. (“It was awful what I did,” Bill Clinton tells Burstein, barely able to look at the camera. “I feel terrible about the fact that Monica Lewinsky’s life was defined by it.”) “I had to ask the ex-president of the United States about the most personal thing in his life and why he would make such a decision,” Burstein recalled. “It was very intimidating! But it was about: How did this affect Hillary and her marriage and the repercussions of that, which followed her 20 years later, into this last election.”

The series flickers back and forth between Hillary Clinton’s youth and the present, weaving together a complicated and flattering (if not quite hagiographic) portrait of a woman who’s provoked admiration and abhorrence for much of her life. Sometimes she seems like a real-life Zelig, popping up near the center of American culture for the last half century. But Zelig was a bystander, whereas Hillary got right in the thick of the action, sometimes changing the course of events and others times being swept along by them.

Clinton came of age at the exact moment that the women’s liberation movement was rising, and her 1969 Wellesley commencement speech landed her a spot in Life magazine. As a young lawyer, she wrote briefs as part of the staff for Nixon’s impeachment hearings (decades later, in a savage irony, she saw the process from another angle when her own husband was impeached). After following Bill to Arkansas, she confronted good old boy sexism, encountering judges who thought women shouldn’t be lawyers and constituents who felt the first lady of Arkansas should take her husband’s name. When Bill cheated on her in the White House, some women were furious with Hillary for standing by him. Conversely, when Bill entrusted her with the daunting task of devising a universal health care plan 16 years before Obamacare, right-wing rage, and revulsion boiled over. Footage in the Hulu series features protesters brandishing posters with slogans like “Hillary makes me sick” and “Heil Hillary.” At a Kentucky rally, they even burned her in effigy.

“I was threatened when I went around the country talking about it,” Clinton told me of that heated Hillarycare moment, shuddering at the mention of the burning effigy. “The Secret Service made me wear a bulletproof coat at one event because they had taken guns and knives off of people trying to get into the outdoor event. I thought, Shit, I’m trying to get people health care! It’s not like I’m stealing your firstborn here! What is the matter with you?” she shrieked, howling with laughter. “It was so weird—like, what’s happening here? Were they paid? A lot of them were riled up by talk radio…. But yeah, I had a lot of very unusual experiences.”

In the Hulu series, former adviser Cheryl Mills recalls “Hillary hater sessions” during Clinton’s 2008 campaign for the Democratic nomination: Women complaining that the candidate was too power-hungry or that she’d been weak for staying with Bill. “It was like watching The Exorcist: The bile would just keep coming up,” Mills said. Clinton herself told me that before she ran for president, a psychological researcher warned her she’d have problems with white women “because they don’t want any conflict with their husbands, their fathers, their sons, their brothers, their boss. And white men are not going to vote for you—they didn’t vote for your husband, they didn’t vote for Obama, et cetera. So there was a lot of pressure on these women.”

Whatever your view of Clinton’s politics, Hillary reminds us that she was voted the most admired woman in America in the Gallup Poll for 16 years in a row. (Michelle Obama knocked her off the top slot.) Clinton fervently believes she had the white woman vote nailed down in 2016 “until Jim Comey dropped that letter on me,” she said. “I was going to win, I am absolutely convinced of that…. What happened is that white women left me, because their husbands or their bosses or whatever said, See? See? She is going to jail! It was a very effective assault on me.” The series points out that not only was Clinton’s career shaped by her own husband’s infidelity, but it was derailed once again by the sexual misbehavior of Anthony Weiner, husband of her top aide, Huma Abedin. The FBI probe into his sexting a teenage girl ultimately led to Comey’s announcement that they were reopening the investigation into Clinton’s use of a private email server. This reignited the frenzied right-wing smear campaign and, she believes, turned off enough vacillating voters to throw the election to Trump.

Burstein didn’t want to lean too heavily on the gender angle because there are elements at play in Clinton’s turbulent trajectory that “have nothing to do with that,” she said. “They have to do with politics. With her own personality. But there are also things that are very specific to being a female when you’re trying to do something no one else has done…. You really see that play out in her story over and over again.” The documentary shows how the battery of conflicting public expectations and right-wing vilification over several decades caused Clinton to build up defenses, which made her seem ever-more guarded and humorless. That armoring process started as early as law school, where she learned to put her head down and work hard “despite whatever obstacles were put up. And when you fast-forward into an age where everybody wants to see what your emotions are and how you respond and all that... It’s really a different environment in which we find ourselves now.”

Clinton first sat down with Burstein for interviews just a few days after the 2018 midterm results came through with their record number of women elected to Congress. The former first lady and Secretary of State regards the anger-fueled impetus that drove so many women to run for political office as the silver lining to her 2016 defeat. “She doesn’t feel that it’s a tragedy, so why should I depict it that way?” said Burstein. “She’s not bemoaning her existence every day. She’s like: Okay, what’s next?”

Sitting in front of me in a nubby tweed blazer, Clinton said she tries to be realistic about the progress women have made during her lifetime. “A lot of legal barriers have disappeared, and that’s a big step. So now we deal with all of these pent-up stereotypes and judgments about what women should and shouldn’t do or should and shouldn’t be. And we have all these forces—political and ideological and religious and financial—arrayed against further progress. And we have a president who is a willing tool. He doesn’t believe any of this stuff. He has absolutely no core beliefs whatsoever.”

Clinton won’t endorse anyone in the primary, she told me: “I just want whoever can beat him to get the nomination. Beat him in the Electoral College. That’s all I care about. I’m not going through this again!” she said, dissolving into laughter once more.

I asked Clinton if she ever thought about what she’d be doing in a parallel world where she hadn’t moved to Arkansas and married Bill. She evaded the question, telling me she moved there because she wanted to decide whether to marry and just fell in love with her life there. But then I mentioned to her William Gibson’s new novel, Agency, which takes place in a world where Hillary is president.

“Oh, I’d love to read it!” she gasped, asking for more details. In our own reality, “I’m not the president and I got more votes. It’s so crazy! So I’m interested in somebody writing something about a different ending.” She smiled and wailed, “I want to live in that world!”

(Link)

[aunti-christ-ine]

As much as I dislike Biden, this guy makes a very good point.

...several of them, in fact. 

____________________________________ 

Why I'm skeptical about Reade's sexual assault claim against Biden  

     by Ex-Prosecutor  MICHAEL J. STERN 

A former staffer to Joe Biden in the early '90s has accused the presidential candidate of sexual assault. Here's everything you need to know about it. 

During 28 years as a state and federal prosecutor, I prosecuted a lot of sexual assault cases. The vast majority came early in my career, when I was a young attorney at a prosecutor’s office outside Detroit. 

A year ago, Tara Reade accused former Vice President Joe Biden of touching her shoulder and neck in a way that made her uncomfortable, when she worked for him as a staff assistant in 1993. Then last month, Reade told an interviewer that Biden stuck his hand under her skirt and forcibly penetrated her with his fingers. Biden denies the allegation. 

When women make allegations of sexual assault, my default response is to believe them. But as the news media have investigated Reade’s allegations, I’ve become increasingly skeptical. Here are some of the reasons why: 

►Delayed reporting … twice. Reade waited 27 years to publicly report her allegation that Biden sexually assaulted her. I understand that victims of sexual assault often do not come forward immediately because recounting the most violent and degrading experience of their lives, to a bunch of strangers, is the proverbial insult to injury. That so many women were willing to wait in my dreary government office, as I ran to the restroom to pull myself together after listening to their stories, is a testament to their fortitude. 

Even so, it is reasonable to consider a 27-year reporting delay when assessing the believability of any criminal allegation. More significant perhaps, is Reade’s decision to sit down with a newspaper last year and accuse Biden of touching her in a sexual way that made her uncomfortable — but neglect to mention her claim that he forcibly penetrated her with his fingers. 

As a lawyer and victims’ rights advocate, Reade was better equipped than most to appreciate that dramatic changes in sexual assault allegations severely undercut an accuser’s credibility — especially when the change is from an uncomfortable shoulder touch to vaginal penetration. 

►Implausible explanation for changing story. When Reade went public with her sexual assault allegation in March, she said she wanted to do it in an interview with The Union newspaper in California last April. She said the reporter’s tone made her feel uncomfortable and "I just really got shut down” and didn't tell the whole story. 

It is hard to believe a reporter would discourage this kind of scoop. Regardless, it's also hard to accept that it took Reade 12 months to find another reporter eager to break that bombshell story. This unlikely explanation damages her credibility. 

►People who contradict Reade’s claim. After the alleged assault, Reade said she complained about Biden's harassment to Marianne Baker, Biden’s executive assistant, as well as to top aides Dennis Toner and Ted Kaufman. All three Biden staffers recently told The New York Times that she made no complaint to them. 

And they did not offer the standard, noncommittal “I don’t remember any such complaint.” The denials were firm. “She did not come to me. If she had, I would have remembered her,” Kaufman said. Toner made a similar statement. And from Baker: “I never once witnessed, or heard of, or received, any reports of inappropriate conduct (by Biden), period." Baker said such a complaint, had Reade made it, "would have left a searing impression on me as a woman professional, and as a manager.” 

►Missing formal complaint. Reade told The Times she filed a written complaint against Biden with the Senate personnel office. But The Times could not find any complaint. When The Times asked Reade for a copy of the complaint, she said she did not have it. Yet she maintained and provided a copy of her 1993 Senate employment records. 

It is odd that Reade kept a copy of her employment records but did not keep a copy of a complaint documenting criminal conduct by a man whose improprieties changed “the trajectory” of her life. It’s equally odd The Times was unable to find a copy of the alleged Senate complaint. 

►Memory lapse. Reade has said that she cannot remember the date, time or exact location of the alleged assault, except that it occurred in a “semiprivate” area in corridors connecting Senate buildings. After I left the Justice Department, I was appointed by the federal court in Los Angeles to represent indigent defendants. The first thing that comes to mind from my defense attorney perspective is that Reade’s amnesia about specifics makes it impossible for Biden to go through records and prove he could not have committed the assault, because he was somewhere else at the time. 

For instance, if Reade alleged Biden assaulted her on the afternoon of June 3, 1993, Biden might be able to prove he was on the Senate floor or at the dentist. Her memory lapses could easily be perceived as bulletproofing a false allegation.  

►The lie about losing her job. Reade told The Union that Biden wanted her to serve drinks at an event. After she refused, "she felt pushed out and left Biden's employ," the newspaper said last April. But Reade claimed this month in her Times interview that after she filed a sexual harassment complaint with the Senate personnel office, she faced retaliation and was fired by Biden’s chief of staff. 

Leaving a job after refusing to serve drinks at a Biden fundraiser is vastly different than being fired as retaliation for filing a sexual harassment complaint with the Senate. The disparity raises questions about Reade’s credibility and account of events. 

►Compliments for Biden. In the 1990s, Biden worked to pass the Violence Against Women Act. In 2017, on multiple occasions, Reade retweeted or “liked” praise for Biden and his work combating sexual assault. In the same year, Reade tweeted other compliments of Biden, including: “My old boss speaks truth. Listen.” It is bizarre that Reade would publicly laud Biden for combating the very thing she would later accuse him of doing to her. 

►Rejecting Biden, embracing Sanders. By this January, Reade was all in for presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. Her unwavering support was accompanied by an unbridled attack on Biden. In an article on Medium, Reade referred to Biden as “the blue version of Trump.” Reade also pushed a Sanders/Elizabeth Warren ticket, while complaining that the Democratic National Committee was trying to “shove” Biden “down Democrat voters throats.” 

Despite her effusive 2017 praise for Biden’s efforts on behalf of women, after pledging her support to Sanders, Reade turned on Biden and contradicted all she said before. She claimed that her decision to publicly accuse Biden of inappropriately touching her was due to “the hypocrisy that Biden is supposed to be the champion of women’s rights.” 

►Love of Russia and Putin. During 2017 when Reade was praising Biden, she was condemning Russian leader Vladimir Putin’s efforts to hijack American democracy in the 2016 election. This changed in November 2018, when Reade trashed the United States as a country of “hypocrisy and imperialism” and “not a democracy at all but a corporate autocracy.” 

Reade’s distaste for America closely tracked her new infatuation with Russia and Putin. She referred to Putin as a “genius” with an athletic prowess that “is intoxicating to American women.” Then there’s this gem: “President Putin has an alluring combination of strength with gentleness. His sensuous image projects his love for life, the embodiment of grace while facing adversity.” 

In March 2019, Reade essentially dismissed the idea of Russian interference in the 2016 American presidential election as hype. She said she loved Russia and her Russian relatives — and "like most women across the world, I like President Putin … a lot, his shirt on or shirt off.” 

Believe all women? Now that Reade has accused Joe Biden of sexual assault, never mind. 

Pivoting again this month, Reade said that she “did not support Putin, and that her comments were pulled out of context from a novel she was writing,” according to The Times. The quotations above, however, are from political opinion pieces she published, and she did not offer any other "context" to The Times. 

Reade's writings shed light on her political alliance with Sanders, who has a long history of ties to Russia and whose stump speech is focused largely on his position that American inequality is due to a corporate autocracy. But at a very minimum, Reade's wild shifts in political ideology and her sexual infatuation with a brutal dictator of a foreign adversary raise questions about her emotional stability. 

►Suspect timing. For 27 years, Reade did not publicly accuse Biden of sexually assaulting her. But then Biden's string of March primary victories threw Sanders off his seemingly unstoppable path to the Democratic nomination. On March 25, as Sanders was pondering his political future, Reade finally went public with her claim. The confluence of Reade’s support of Sanders, distaste for the traditional American democracy epitomized by Biden, and the timing of her allegation should give pause to even the most strident Biden critics. 

►The Larry King call. Last week, new "evidence" surfaced: a recorded call by an anonymous woman to CNN's "Larry King Live" show in 1993. Reade says the caller was her mother, who's now deceased. Assuming Reade is correct, her mother said: "I’m wondering what a staffer would do besides go to the press in Washington? My daughter has just left there after working for a prominent senator, and could not get through with her problems at all, and the only thing she could have done was go to the press, and she chose not to do it out of respect for him." 

As a prosecutor, this would not make me happy. Given that the call was anonymous, Reade’s mother should have felt comfortable relaying the worst version of events. When trying to obtain someone’s assistance, people typically do not downplay the seriousness of an incident. They exaggerate it. That Reade’s mother said nothing about her daughter being sexually assaulted would lead many reasonable people to conclude that sexual assault was not the problem that prompted the call to King. 

Reade’s mother also said her daughter did not go to the press with her problem “out of respect” for the senator. I’ve never met a woman who stayed silent out of “respect” for the man who sexually assaulted her. And it is inconceivable that a mother would learn of her daughter’s sexual assault and suggest that respect for the assailant is what stands between a life of painful silence and justice. 

The "out of respect" explanation sounds more like an office squabble with staff that resulted in leaving the job. Indeed, in last year's interview with The Washington Post, Reade laid the blame on Biden’s staff for “bullying” her. She also said, “I want to emphasize: It’s not him. It’s the people around him.” 

►Statements to others. Reade’s brother, Collin Moulton, told The Post recently that he remembers Reade telling him Biden inappropriately touched her neck and shoulders. He said nothing about a sexual assault until a few days later, when he texted The Post that he remembered Reade saying Biden put his hand "under her clothes.” 

That Reade’s brother neglected to remember the most important part of her allegation initially could lead people to believe he recounted his Post interview to Reade, was told he left out the most important part, and texted it to The Post to avoid a discussion about why he failed to mention it in the first place. 

In interviews with The Times, one friend of Reade’s said Reade told her she was sexually assaulted by Biden. Another friend said Reade told her that Biden touched her inappropriately. Both friends insisted that The Times maintain their anonymity. 

On Monday, Business Insider published an interview with a friend of Reade’s who said that in 1995 or 1996, Reade told her she was assaulted by Biden. Insider called this friend, Lynda LaCasse, the “first person to independently corroborate, in detail and on the record, that Reade had told others about her assault allegations contemporaneously.” 

But Reade alleged she was assaulted in 1993. Telling a friend two or three years later is not contemporaneous. Legal references to a contemporaneous recounting typically refer to hours or days — the point being that facts are still fresh in a person's mind and the statement is more likely to be accurate. 

The Insider also quoted a colleague of Reade’s in the mid-1990s, Lorraine Sanchez, who said Reade told her she had been sexually harassed by a former boss. Reade did not mention Biden by name and did not provide details of the alleged harassment. 

In prior interviews, Reade gave what appeared be an exhaustive list of people she told of the alleged assault. Neither of the women who talked to Business Insider were on that list. 

The problem with statements from friends is that the information they recount is only as good as the information given to them. Let’s say Reade left her job because she was angry about being asked to serve drinks or because she was fired for a legitimate reason. If she tried to save face by telling friends that she left because she was sexually assaulted, that’s all her friends would know and all they could repeat. 

Prior statements made by a sexual assault victim can carry some weight, but only if the accuser is credible. In Reade’s case, the statements coming from her friends are only of value if people believe Reade can be relied on to tell the truth, regardless of the light in which it paints her. 

►Lack of other sexual assault allegations. Last year, several women claimed that Biden made them uncomfortable with things like a shoulder touch or a hug. (I wrote a column critical of one such allegation by Lucy Flores.) The Times and Post found no allegation of sexual assault against Biden except Reade's. 

It is possible that in his 77 years, Biden committed one sexual assault and it was against Reade. But in my experience, men who commit a sexual assault are accused more than once ... like Donald Trump, who has had more than a dozen allegations of sexual assault leveled against him and who was recorded bragging about grabbing women’s genitalia.  

►What remains. There are no third-party eyewitnesses or videos to support Tara Reade’s allegation that she was assaulted by Joe Biden. No one but Reade and Biden know whether an assault occurred. This is typical of sexual assault allegations. Jurors, in this case the voting public, have to consider the facts and circumstances to assess whether Reade’s allegation is credible. To do that, they have to determine whether Reade herself is believable. 

I’ve dreaded writing this piece because I do not want it to be used as a guidebook to dismantling legitimate allegations of sexual assault. But not every claim of sexual assault is legitimate. During almost three decades as a prosecutor, I can remember dismissing two cases because I felt the defendant had not committed the charged crime. One of those cases was a rape charge.  

Reopen the Biden campaign: Ramp up social media and name a vice president now. 

The facts of that case made me question the credibility of the woman who claimed she was raped. In the end, she acknowledged that she fabricated the allegation after her boyfriend caught her with a man with whom she was having an affair. 

I know that “Believe Women” is the mantra of the new decade. It is a response to a century of ignoring and excusing men’s sexual assaults against women. But men and women alike should not be forced to blindly accept every allegation of sexual assault for fear of being labeled a misogynist or enabler. 

We can support the #MeToo movement and not support allegations of sexual assault that do not ring true. If these two positions cannot coexist, the movement is no more than a hit squad. That’s not how I see the #MeToo movement. It’s too important, for too many victims of sexual assault and their allies, to be no more than that. 

Michael J. Stern, a member of USA TODAY's Board of Contributors, was a federal prosecutor for 25 years in Detroit and Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter:  @MichaelJStern1

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/full-moon-lunar-eclipse-in-sagittarius-june-5th-2020/

FULL MOON Lunar ECLIPSE in Sagittarius June 5th 2020

FULL MOON Lunar ECLIPSE in Sagittarius June 5th 2020

By Mystic Mamma

*FULL MOON* Lunar ECLIPSE in SAGITTARIUS

June 5th 2020  12:12 pm PDT | 7:12 pm GMT 

June 6th 2020 6:12 am AEDT

★

With things in the state that they are right now, it should come as no surprise that we are headed into Eclipse season beginning with this FULL MOON Lunar ECLIPSE in Sagittarius on June 5th 2020.

Eclipses usually come sets of 2, but this year they come in sets of 3, so this is the first of these 3 consecutive Eclipses which continue to precipitate life-changing shifts.

Current Gemini energies continue to reflect and communicate the reality that we all experience life through different fractals. 

Our collective lens has focalized the experience of our black brothers, sisters and relatives that continue to be subjected to racism rooted in white supremacy and abuse that has been systematically allowed to perpetuate.

Our expanding realizations are transforming into bridges of solidarity and action calls to the ways we can each proactively participate in the active dismantling of the oppressive systems that we consciously or unconsciously maintain.

We are in a time of collective and personal awakening to what has been in the shadows, oppressive and imbalanced across our implemented systems as well as our personal myopic realities. 

The process of awakening can be painful, because new realities precipitate trajectory shifts.

In the process of things dismantling, disassembling, and crumbling, we can feel unstable and this is why change is often so dreaded.

But we are the changemakers of this time, and we are here at this time for a reason.

We each carry our own truth, but a universal truth is that we’re all here ultimately to learn to love.

All those who have had crossed over and come back through near-death experiences, and those who are mediums between worlds echo this truth: Life is a school of learning, and we are here to learn to love. 

At this time, like Rumi said,  that is our task, and not only to love but to seek to dissolve “all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

It is also a time to have courage and not be afraid to communicate, even as it makes us feel increasingly more vulnerable.

Vulnerability is the straight path of the heart, the direct access point.

Gemini continues to teach us that through communication we can heal our separateness and isolation.

As we’ve heard it said, the more difficult the subject, the more healing is to be gained from talking about it.

In what ways can we speak from our experience like elders, like our grandmothers and grandfathers, with compassion but with strength that illuminates another facet to be taken into account?

Like Einsten said “we cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.” Let’s expand our thinking and let’s get massively creative with new ways to implement change.

Let’s use that surge of Sagittarius creative power to launch new Life affirming ways to support our existence and everyone’s right to Liberty. Because we’re in this together.

We are lovers, We are love. That’s what we are here to remember, here to learn, here to BE.

Here are the MYSTIC MAMMA Astral Insights from our beloved featured astrologers:

PAM YOUNGHANS from her NorthPoint Astrology says:

“Our Milky Way galaxy is part of a great river of galaxies that flows through space, being magnetically pulled in the direction of a massive galactic anomaly called Abell 3627, more commonly known as the Great Attractor (GA)…

“Our Lunar Eclipse this Friday is… aligned with the GA… (and) will be activating its influence in our awareness.

“Since the GA continuously draws us toward itself, it represents the inexorable pull of our Higher Destiny.

“When it is activated in our collective awareness through events such as an eclipse, new insights and unexpected viewpoints become possible.

“We can experience a major shift in our perceptions and beliefs, which in turn alters our trajectory. 

“Astrologer Philip Sedgwick, who has studied the GA in great depth, explains:

  ‘The enormous gravity of the GA actually bends light around it.

“It bends the light so much, that a glimpse of what is behind it can be taken.

‘This provides clear behind-the-scenes insights, while simultaneously offering other refractive illusions.’

  “Friday’s Eclipse, being conjunct the GA, represents a profound juncture in our evolution.

“As we stand at that crossroads, we must expand our understanding of reality, while also accepting that each person may rightly have their own version of truth. 

“Another quote from Sedgwick:

  ‘A narrow view (or opinionated nature) does not fit with the Great Attractor.

‘There is not one simple answer.

‘Perhaps each point of focus is only a fragment of the hologram of understanding.’

  “Sedgwick advises that in order to find our own truth, our own ‘fragment of the hologram,’ each of us must ‘Center the source of your light within the matter of your life. What matters clearly focuses your truth.’

“The last time we had a Lunar Eclipse that aligned with the Great Attractor was on June 4, 1993.

“Events that occurred around that time, and subsequent changes in our perspective, pulled us into a new future, perhaps a different destiny than the one we had thought we were building toward.

“We may have gone willingly toward that new future, but maybe not. And yet, looking back, we can see how essential that trajectory shift was, and how it forever changed the course of our life.

“We are at a similar time now. This Lunar Eclipse conjunct the Great Attractor alters the landscape, requiring us to reroute.

“In time, we will find that our new road is more aligned with that greater destiny we came here to fulfill.”

© Copyright 2020 PAM YOUNGHANS

  SARAH VARCAS from Astro-Awakenings.co.uk her says:

“An alliance between Chiron, Uranus and Mercury at the time of this eclipse unlocks fresh perspectives.

“But to benefit from them we must reclaim the fundamental right to honor our own experience and not have it dismissed, ridiculed or silenced if it runs contrary to the received wisdom of the time.

“This takes courage in a world where people are being demonized and discredited for daring to question… and reflect more deeply on the narrative they’re being fed.

“But if ever there was a time for courage it is now!

“Courageous thought, courageous speech, courageous hearts open to a new world in which we’re not told how things are but instead discern, through digesting many perspectives and listening, perhaps most importantly, to the voice within that knows truth..

“As we stand at this juncture in human history there are weighty choices to be made and we must each make them as best we can.

“This eclipse season will both reveal the shadow side of readily accepted sources of information – hidden interests, inaccurate assumptions, covert agendas –  as well as illuminate in their wake new sources of knowledge previously eclipsed by the might of received wisdom and unquestioned ‘truths’.

“The path ahead remains scattered with obstacles and the battle for dominion over the collective mind continues unabated.

“This lunar eclipse is just the beginning and there is much to be revealed and digested before we can decide, collectively, the quality of our future.

“Saturn is now retrograding through Aquarius before returning to Capricorn in July. (You can read more about what this means for us in terms of freedom of thought and speech in full here.)

“..Saturn is a key player in the unfolding of events this year. As signifier of the establishment and authorities, its alignment with Pluto speaks to the extension of government powers and the reduction of civil liberties.

“It illuminates who gets to shape a dominant narrative, how they do it, and the use of fear to suppress and control.

“Indeed, the Saturn / Pluto conjunction of January speaks far more deeply to issues of power and control than of health and disease, signifying the imposition of authoritarian power over the masses in ways never before seen on such a vast scale.

“As Saturn completes its shift from Capricorn to its new home in Aquarius during the course of 2020, it illuminates the suppression of free-thought and open debate.

“The silencing of free speech and what happens when those silenced refuse to be so…

“Initially, Saturn in Aquarius can continue to manifest as the metaphorical boot that kicks dissenters back into line, stifles independence and acts contrary to collective well-being.

“It’s the fear of having to think for yourself in a confusing and paradoxical world.

“It wants to be told what to think and believe, who to love, who to hate, how to keep yourself safe…

“As Saturn tiptoes from the familiarity of conventional perception (Capricorn) to the uncharted terrain of independent thought (Aquarius) this year, fear arises: What if I’m wrong? They’re the experts. What would I know? How do I justify gut instinct when what it tells me goes against the grain of accepted belief? What if I’m left standing alone in my beliefs, ridiculed for daring to think differently? What if I’m roundly rejected, left in a group of one?

“But Saturn is nothing if not steadfast!

“Its presence in Aquarius empowers us to think for ourselves whatever it takes.

“To take responsibility for our own well-being. To enjoy maturity of thought and behaviour, not surrender our sovereign view to a surrogate ‘parent’ who tells us what to believe.

“Saturn in Aquarius reminds us that even the oft-uttered refrain ‘everything is happening as it should’ doesn’t mean there’s nothing to be done but let it all unfold.

“We don’t download awakening, we cultivate it, nurture it, question those aspects of self that mitigate against it.

“And in doing so we discover that wise action in this moment can change the next.

“That by being present to the full triumph and catastrophe of the human experience we can recalibrate it and shape the course of history rather than simply be shaped by it.

“And we’re currently living at a historical crossroads of monumental proportions.

“To choose well we need to harness the power of Saturn’s journey into Aquarius to engage courageous thought and nurture fresh perspectives.

“Not to stifle debate and feed the fear of dissent.

“Black Moon Lilith and Chiron were conjunct the Sun when Saturn first entered Aquarius in March 2020, highlighting the influence its Aquarian journey would have over our individual and collective sense of self.

“They affirm the healing radiance of the human spirit and the unadulterated power unleashed when we remember who we really are – divine through and through, and equally human. Of this world and all others everywhere.

“This power cannot be diminished by tyranny or lies, by manipulation or fear.

“It is unassailable. Always. And it knows the truth. We know the truth. This is the message of Saturn in Aquarius…

“It’s a long road ahead. Courage will be needed.

“As will a sense of humor and the ability to know when to speak up and when to keep one’s counsel for a more propitious time. No outcome is assured so complacency is best avoided.

“That said we need to know our own limits and take care of ourselves first and foremost.

“Saturn in Aquarius can be a game changer if we let it, opening up debate, revealing hidden truths and endowing each and every one of us with a deep sense of responsibility for what we believe, such that simply accepting what we’re told by anyone will be anathema to our finely tuned moral compass.

“Let the prevailing narrative place its evidence alongside that of alternative views. Let us debate and explore, question and analyze. Let us be convinced of an argument, not receive our beliefs by dictate.

“But most of all, let Saturn in Aquarius cement the sovereignty of our mind and our right to form our own opinion from external evidence and our internal knowing about it…

“For whatever’s going on in this world today, it is we the people, not the privileged elite with vested interests in our obedience to their cause, who can – and must – decide the shape our lives take from here.”

© Copyright 2020 SARAH VARCAS

  DIVINE HARMONY says:

“The North Node in Gemini is about coming back to beginner’s mind. This is about cultivating the mind of a child- full of openness, curiosity and generosity.

“This is about saying ‘show me where I am wrong’ and ‘hmm I don’t know- what is the Truth here? Show me the Truth Universe.’

“The Highest expression of Gemini is open mindedness.

“The karmic South Node in Sagittarius highlights where we do the opposite of this. This is where we have hubris, self righteousness and dogma.

“This is where we think MY beliefs are the right ones and yours are the wrong ones- you just need to listen to me, I will teach you the RIGHT way of doing things/seeing things/believing.

“In any conflict if anyone is coming from this position I can guarantee you it is a no win situation.

“But cultivating an open mind and willingness to see other perspectives and work to understand other positions WILL open doors in communication rather than close them.

“The thing to remember here is when we listen to another’s perspective it’s not about right or wrong. It’s about understanding where another comes from.

“Understanding another person’s world view and lived experience…

“Vesta is conjunct the North Node – drawing us forward to our Sacred Focus and Greatest Devotion.

“The North Node is in Gemini but Vesta is in Cancer- the sign of the Great Mother.

“One of the great necessities of this time is to honor and reinstate the Divine Feminine…

“The denial of the Mother has had horrific ramifications on our planet.

“The Feminine elements are Earth and Water- body and soul, physical reality and emotion…

“We need to heal our disassociation from our emotions and (Water) and our detachment from and abuse of the body (Earth).

“If we were fully connected to these elements we could NEVER harm another person, dump toxic poison in the water or air, abuse a child, kill, murder or go to war.

“If everyone’s heart chakra was fully open we would FEEL what we do to another and we would never be able to do the horrific things happening on the planet right now.

“Reclaiming and restoring the Divine Feminine to her rightful place is NECESSARY… (and to be clear- this is not about men vs women- as men and masculine identified beings have an inner feminine just as women and feminine identified beings have an inner masculine)

“Use this sacred Eclipse portal to question your assumptions, beliefs, attitudes and ways of perceiving the world around you.

“Use this time to anchor more deeply into your heart, compassion, empathy and love for all beings- human, animal and non-human- everywhere.

“Use this portal to open up to Higher Truths that go beyond ego-mind perspectives. See beyond the veil of delusion/illusion/manipulation so you can get to the Truth.

“Start with yourself (do your shadow work) and then extend that inner work out into the world around you.”

© Copyright 2020 DIVINE HARMONY

And ELLIAS LONSDALE interpretation of the Chandra symbol for this Full Moon Eclipse is:

SAGITTARIUS 16:A man shearing sheep.

“Practical fortitude. Resiliency to keep finding a way to do it, to keep discovering how to get through the deepest quandaries, the greatest karmic traps. Ingenious and resourceful. Paying attention to the cues, going to get it right.

“You’re involved within a path which requires discipleship or apprenticeship, learning the ropes. Building up fresh capacity in this lifetime to scale the heights. But you remain preoccupied and absorbed within honest tasks.

“A pervasive conviction grows and forms, of how it really is.

“You’re willing to take every step to reach a far goal, and attentive to what is really there. A throwback to the old ways of a rural past.

“Oddly comfortable in adopting forms and moving through phases and taking on the worlds.

“The journeyman learns the ways of the journey and gathers Earth wisdom in small bundles.

“Knowing how to be there when it counts.“

© Copyright 2020 ELLIAS LONSDALE

This has been a very tough week. For me personally, I lost one my very best friends and allies on this physical plane. This last line, “Knowing how to be there when it counts,” is what she embodied and reason we all continue to do what we must.

Sending so much love to each of our hearts during this trying passage,

With all my heart~

MM ☾☾☾

Thank you for your kinship!  ♥ If you feel moved to offer reciprocity for my work, I extend my gratitude ahead and here are the ways you may do it :::

As a One-time Or Monthly basis HERE, at whatever level feels right for you. Or by making a purchase of my Artwork in my SHOP  A Tree is planted with each purchase.

*******

LoveHasWon.org is a Non-Profit Charity, Heartfully Associated with the “World Blessing Church Trust” for the Benefit of Mother Earth

Share Our Messages with Love and Gratitude

LOVE US @ MeWe mewe.com/join/lovehaswon

Visit Our Online Store for Higher Consciousness Products and Tools: LoveHasWon Essentials

http://lovehaswonessentials.org/

Visit Our NEW Sister Site: LoveHasWon Angel Numbers

https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/

Commentary from The First Contact Ground Crew 5dSpiritual Healing Team:

Feel Blocked, Drained, Fatigued, Restless, Nausea, Achy, Ready to Give Up? We Can Help! We are preparing everyone for a Full Planetary Ascension, and provide you with the tools and techniques to assist you Home Into The Light. The First Contact Ground Crew Team, Will Help to Get You Ready For Ascension which is Underway. New Spiritual Sessions have now been created for an Entire Family, including the Crystal Children; Group Family Healing & Therapy. We have just began these and they are incredible. Highly recommend for any families struggling together in these times of intense changes. Email: motherofallcreation@lovehaswon.org for more information or to schedule an emergency spiritual session. We can Assist You into Awakening into 5d Reality, where your experience is one of Constant Joy, Wholeness of Being, Whole Health, Balanced, Happy and Abundant. Lets DO THIS! Schedule Your Session Below by following the Link! Visit:  http://www.lovehaswon.org/awaken-to-5d/

Introducing our New LoveHasWon Twin Flame Spiritual Intuitive Ascension Session. Visit the link below:

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-twin-flame-spiritual-intuitive-ascension-session/

Request an Astonishing Personal Ascension Assessment Report or Astrology Reading, visit the link below for more information:

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-ascension-assessment-report

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-astrology/

Experiencing DeAscension Symptoms, Energy Blockages, Disease and more? Book a Holistic Healing Session

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-holistic-healing-session/

To read our Testimonials you can follow this link: http://www.lovehaswon.org/testimonials

Connect with MotherGod~Mother of All Creation on Skype @ mothergoddess8

Request a copy of our Book: The Tree of Life ~ Light of The Immortals Book

Order a copy of Our LoveHasWon Ascension Guide: https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-ascension-guide/

**If you do not have a Paypal account, click on the button below:

If you wish to donate and receive a Tax Receipt, click the button below:

Donate with Paypal

Use Cash App with Our code and we’ll each get $5! FKMPGLH

Cash App Tag: $lovehaswon1111

Cash App

Donate with Venmo

VENMO

Support Our cause in the creation of the Crystal Schools for Children. Visit our fundraising link below:

LoveHasWon Charity for Crystal Schools

Support Our Charity in Co~Creating the New Earth Together by Helping Mother of All Creation. Visit our fundraising link below:

Support Mother Earth!

Support Us on PATREON

PATREON

Support Us Through Our LoveHasWon Wish List

LoveHasWon Wish List

We also accept Western Union and Moneygram. You may send an email to michaelsilver@lovehaswon.org for more information.

***If you wish to send Donations by mail or other methods, email us at motherofallcreation@lovehaswon.org  or  michaelsilver@lovehaswon.org***

**** We Do Not Refund Donations****

MeWe ~ Youtube ~ Facebook ~ Apple News ~ Linkedin ~ Twitter ~ Tumblr ~ GAB ~ Minds ~ Google+ ~ Medium ~ StumbleUpon ~ Reddit ~ Informed Planet ~ Steemit ~ SocialClub ~ BlogLovin ~ Flipboard ~ Pinterest ~ Instagram ~ Snapchat

[bthump]

This is the essay I wrote for @berserk-zine Memory Fragments, which can be ordered in hardcopy or digital here. If you have the means it’s well worth checking out.

Like Lightning

In the Golden Age, Guts and Griffith’s narratives centre around the conflicts between their respective dreams and their relationship with each other. Their dreams are self-destructive ways of coping with deep-seated issues while their relationship is shown to have the potential to heal and emotionally strengthen them. The Golden Age is a tragedy entirely because neither man recognizes the significance of their relationship until it’s too late - they turn to their dreams instead of each other, which leads them directly to the Eclipse.

Guts’ issues stem from his abusive childhood. Gambino’s neglect and emotional abuse left Guts craving attention, affection, and respect.

“But wandering the battlefields made me realize... that wouldn’t do me any good in tryin’ to survive. It was just somethin’ of a childish complaint. Even so... incidentally... I found someone I really wanted... to have look at me.”

That person is Griffith, a boy who delivers a thoughtful personality analysis after observing one fight, who specifically tells Guts that he wants him, and who risks his life for him after knowing him for only one week.

Three years after they meet, they encounter Zodd together. Gambino selling Guts to Donovan left him with trust issues, and killing Gambino in self-defence added guilt and self-loathing to his collection of emotional scars. This scene with Zodd is a powerful reminder of these aspects of Guts’ childhood, with a much more positive outcome which solidifies Griffith’s place in Guts’ life. Griffith is someone who can fulfill his emotional needs in ways his last family, Gambino, never did.

Miura uses strong, consistent imagery to illustrate fear: bright eyes in an indistinct, towering form, and huge, grasping hands. These images recur constantly in Guts’ nightmares and flashbacks, during apostle fights, several times during the first Zodd encounter in particular, and chronologically we first saw these images when Donovan entered Guts’ tent, and again when Gambino told Guts that he sold him.

Donovan was the first monster Guts killed, and the impression Zodd makes on Guts is deliberately reminiscent of him for the purpose of drawing a life-changing contrast: while Gambino sold him to a monster, Griffith risks his own life to save him from the monster.

When Guts asks him why, Griffith’s answer is that he did it for Guts. “Do I need a reason each time I put myself in harm’s way for your sake?” Now that Griffith has proven that he values Guts as a person over and above even his dream by very nearly dying for him, Guts feels the respect and love which he has craved since childhood. With someone at his side who will face the monsters with him, he is finally ready to replace one family with another and begin to heal from his trauma and guilt.

This is the purpose of the scene on the rooftop, when Guts reflects on the night he killed Gambino, contemplates that the same bright full moon is shining down on him now, and dedicates his sword to Griffith as an answer to the question he asked back when he was eleven: “where am I going?” He finally feels like he may have found the place where he belongs.

And then he accidentally kills a kid and overhears a speech and it all goes to hell.

After the assassination Guts hits his head, falls unconscious, and has a dream: as a child he watches a monstrous figure kill Gambino, and then run Guts through with a sword. The figure represents both Donovan and Zodd, as it’s essentially the Donovan-esque monster from Guts’ nightmare in chapter 13 with some additional Zodd detailing, and its face is revealed to be Guts’ own.

Flooded with reminders of his traumatic childhood and feeling like a monster after killing Adonis, Guts seeks Griffith out, presumably in the hope that Griffith can provide the same feeling of being valued and respected that he felt after Zodd, to counter his self-loathing. Instead he hears a pretentious monologue about a dream which just nails that self-loathing into place and, primed by years of neglect and abuse, he’s readily convinced that Griffith looks down on him after all, the same way Gambino always had. So, taking Griffith’s speech to heart, Guts decides he needs his own dream.

And the dream he eventually lands on is to swing his sword as much as possible.

Guts’ sword is his method of emotional repression and his original defense mechanism.

We see this same sentiment when he jumps to Casca’s defence after brooding on Griffith’s speech: “Anyone will do… I just feel like swinging this with all my might… until I can’t think about anything else.” We see him swing his sword as a distraction from his feelings during the hundred man fight, in his rage after the Eclipse, and eventually the notion of his sword as an escape from emotion becomes very literal with the berserker armour, which wipes away every feeling except bloodlust.

Guts falls back on his dream of challenging himself by “crossin’ swords with stronger and stronger enemies” when he loses trust in his relationship with Griffith and departs the Hawks, and again when he loses Griffith entirely in the Eclipse, as Griffith essentially sells him out to a hoard of monsters in a reversal of the affirming Zodd encounter and repeat of his childhood trauma.

The way Guts describes his dream neatly applies to the Black Swordsman arc, and to hammer that point home the Promrose Hall speech that inspired his dream flashes to his mind when he makes his war declaration after the Eclipse. This ties Guts’ dream to his emerging inner monster, the Beast of Darkness, and we see the attitude of emotional repression that brings it out in statements like, “I’ll take my urge to kill… and black everything else out.”

When Griffith risked his life to save him from Zodd, Guts chose to wield his sword “for his sake.” After overhearing the Promrose speech, Guts chooses to wield his sword “for no one else’s sake.” This is the difference between finding comfort and strength in mutual trust and companionship with Griffith and the Hawks, and roaming the countryside as the lone Black Swordsman, swinging his sword and feeding his own inner beast. Griffith’s dream is associated with becoming a monster in as blatant a way as possible, but Guts’ dream also has that same self-destructive association, and both are a result of throwing away relationships to pursue those dreams.

Now, whereas Guts began with a positive relationship and replaced it with his dream, Griffith’s narrative has the opposite trajectory: he begins with a dream and Guts becomes a potential positive replacement for it.

We learn everything we need to know to understand Griffith’s dream when Casca tells Guts about her past. Griffith scratches his own arms bloody while claiming he feels no responsibility for the deaths of his followers, after prostituting himself to a sexual predator to prevent as many of those deaths as possible. This contradiction between words and actions tells us loud and clear that Griffith is driven by immense guilt and self-loathing - which we see when he asks Casca if he is dirty, and when he insists that he has to win “for the sake of the dead.”

Casca tries to comfort him but he turns around with a reassuring smile and says “I’m all right... It’s nothing,” blood dripping down his arms.

This tells us that Griffith constantly buries that guilt and self-loathing behind the image of a perfect leader. He can’t admit his true feelings even to himself, except in extremely rare moments of vulnerability, because it is absolutely necessary to maintain this image for the sake of his dream.

When Griffith achieves that dream, everyone who died will posthumously attain what they died for and every act that makes him feel dirty or cruel will be proven to have been worth it. To Griffith, the dream represents absolution. Success will absolve him of his guilt, assuage his self-loathing, and even justify his very existence, as implied in his words: “to be born and then to simply live for no better reason… I can’t abide such a lifestyle.”

After a second night of assassinations, Griffith asks if Guts thinks he’s cruel. This is an echo of asking Casca if he’s dirty, and it’s another chance to see himself anew through the eyes of someone else, someone aware of the harsh reality behind his image - the assassinations, Gennon, the intrinsic brutality of war - and who still sees him as “dazzling.”

Griffith clings to his dream as a defence against his self-loathing, but in this moment the dream is forgotten and he turns to Guts for the affirmation he needs instead. But Guts fails to reassure him, having already been taken in by the image Griffith projected during his Promrose Hall monologue. He reminds Griffith that cruelty is “part of the path to [his] dream,” implicitly and unintentionally confirming that he is cruel, and voicing Griffith’s own guilt-fueled justification for him - the same justification Griffith gave when he self-harmed in the river.

This is the moment the Godhand uses to finally convince Griffith to make the sacrifice, bury his heart, and become the monster he thinks Guts - of all people - knew him to be already.

The cruel irony of the Golden Age is that Guts and Griffith both respect, admire, and love each other, but they fail to realize that those feelings are returned, so they retreat to the emotional safety of their dreams. Guts pursues a dream of sword swinging because he believes that Griffith looks down on him, but, the very chapter after Guts waxes poetic about his dream to Casca, we learn that this is how Griffith really feels about him:

Conversely, Griffith believes that Guts sees him as cruel and that he wants to escape from him, when we know this is the real reason that Guts left the Hawks:

If Guts and Griffith had realized that their feelings for each other were mutual, they might have been able to heal from their inner demons by finding support and reassurance in each other - by having someone they trust and respect in their life who knows them and believes them to be worthy of love and respect in turn. They each try to reach out for emotional support from the other in moments of self-loathing, but both times dreams stand in the way.

So instead they return to those dreams, which help them bury their feelings and bring out the worst in them: Femto and the Beast of Darkness.