#i’m like. not good at handling stress as it is
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A Choice Made
Summary: When Howzer comes to you in the middle of the night, panicked and frantic, you realize you must make a choice. Of course, the reality is that you made your choice years ago.
Pairing: Captain Howzer x F!Reader
Word Count: 764
Warnings: None
A/N: Hello and Happy New Year everyone! this is my first story of 2025, and sorry if it's not the greatest. I got a new keyboard for Christmas and it's a lot bigger than the one I was using. Anyway! I hope you all like it~
Your home is quiet again.
Howzer, your Howzer, is sleeping peacefully in the bed next to you. He looks peaceful, and you’re glad for it. When he showed up several hours ago, he had been filled with a frantic energy that, frankly, worried you.
But a hot dinner and a warm shower did wonders to settle him, at least enough that he could explain what sent him to you in such a rush.
And that is why you’re still awake.
His words echo through your mind even now.
“The Empire knows about you. They’ll use you as a weapon against me. We need to leave.”
You knew this was a possibility when you agreed to date him all those years ago. And you knew the threat to you would only increase when you agreed to marry him.
But things had been so peaceful, even with everything going on in the core, so you allowed yourself to believe that everything would be okay. You’ve always been good at lying to yourself.
You shift in the bed and focus your attention back on Howzer, your fingers gentle as they comb through his hair. He doesn’t even stir.
It’s a testament to just how stressed and tired he is.
He stirs as your fingers fall to the scar on his cheek, and his pretty eyes flutter open, sleepiness vanishing in a heartbeat when he sees you sitting against the headboard.
“What’s wrong?”
And, despite the seriousness of the situation you’ve found yourself in, a smile lifts your lips. That’s your husband, always alert for any danger directed towards you. “Nothing,”
He sits up and shifts so that he’s leaning against the headboard as well, and then coaxes you into his arms. Something you’re only all too happy to do. You always feel safest when wrapped in his arms after all.
“Then why aren’t you sleeping?”
“I was thinking.”
He pulls you so that you’re sitting on his lap, and one of his hands comes up to press against your cheek. Immediately you close your eyes and press your cheek against his hand, rubbing your cheek against his rough palm.
“Are you considering staying here?” Howzer asks, his voice quiet.
“No, of course not.” You slide your arms around his neck, “My place, Howzer, is by your side. You know that.”
“I’m asking a lot from you, cyare.”
“You’re not asking anything that I won’t happily give.” You press your forehead against his, “I was thinking of the logistics of moving. About where to go and how to get there.”
“You don’t have to worry about that. I’m going to handle everything.”
You shake your head, “You don’t have to.”
“Yes. I do.”
He sounds so convinced of this, that you pull back to stare at him, “Howzer?”
“You…” he trails off, and then a small smile lifts his lips and he pulls you into a gentle kiss. “I love you, so much. You know that?”
You blink at him, “Well, I would hope so. You did marry me, after all.”
“I did. And it remains the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life,” Howzer replies with a small smile, “And you…you’re the daughter of the Organa Family—”
“Distantly. I’m distantly related to the Organa family—” You remind him.
He ignores you, “And you came to Ryloth in the hopes to stop slavers from kidnapping the twi’leks and you set up a center to help former slaves adjust to being free,” Howzer trails off again, his expression soft as he looks at you, “You would have been well within your rights to tell me to go to hell when I asked you out. But you didn’t. You agreed. And kept agreeing.”
“You make it sound like it was a crazy thing,” You reply.
“It was a crazy thing. And it’s even crazier that you said yes when I asked you to marry me.” Howzer says with a grin, “But I’m asking you to abandon your life’s work. So let me take care of everything. Please.”
You sigh softly, “If you insist.”
“I do.” Howzer trails his lips down your face, “Assuming, of course, you choose to come with me.”
“You silly, silly man.” You shift on his lap so you’re straddling him, and press your hands against his cheeks, “I made my choice. Years ago. You’re my choice. No matter where you lead me.”
Howzer stares at you for a moment, and then he pulls you into a deep kiss. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Silly,” You reply against his lips, “I made that choice years ago too.”
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#star wars#tbb#captain howzer x reader#howzer x reader#star wars fanfiction#x reader fic#f!reader fic
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Stress Is Bad For The Brain
*ੈ♡⸝⸝🪐༘⋆
ੈ♡⸝⸝🪐༘⋆
🌷🧺*:・ warnings: smut, blowjobs, female reader, use of good girl and baby
🌷🧺*:・ summary: The Heart Pirates have been underwater for the longest. Trafalgar Law is stressed and he hasn’t been able to grab you at all… only quick grabs and make out sessions. After things settle more, you take the time to visit him in his office
🌷🧺*:・ im a fein for law.
He couldn’t take any more of this waiting. The little touches, kisses and smirks you gave him… it was too much.
If the crew—Bepo, Shachi, Penguin—any of them! Took you away from him one more time, he was going to teleport them into the ocean and drive away so he can fuck you all over the ship (of course he would go back and find them). It’s not like he would tell you this anyways but, yeah, that’s what he would do!
ׂ╰┈➤
Hearing your voice from outside his office. Bepo was also out there
“No honey, I just got to talk to the captain privately, okay?” Just hearing your voice made him hard… which was happening, “Shit.” He cursed under his breath. Bepo whined from the outside, “Aw okay…” Once the door shut, Law turned in his chair with his tattooed arms crossed.
You smiled at him, mumbling “Hey cap.”
In a harsh tone, he said “I’m working.”
Obviously, you knew that was a lie. Putting your arms behind your back and tilting your head, “Working with an erection?” Taking your pointer finger, pointing it out. Law felt his cheeks heat up, clearing his throat, “It can be handled later.” It was frustrating for you, he never wanted to admit how bad he wanted you.
Rolling your eyes and walking over to him and in a sultry tone, “C’mon Law… I know you want your cock in my mouth.” Running your index finger along his jaw, slowly sinking on to your knees. His breath hitched, looking into your eyes, that were pleading.
“Hm… you wanna be a good girl?” He stiffened when you began to unzip his pants. Mumbling, “Yes… I’ve been wanting your cum down my throat for so long.” All that big talk from your lover just for him to have shaky hands. Law groaned as you palmed the print, licking on the wet spot that his precum created. “Can I? I promise I’ll be a good girl and make you come.” And who was he to decline?
Throwing his boxers away as soon as they hit his ankles and finally letting his hard dick out. Your eyes looked like you were about to eat him alive… wrapping a hand around the thick shaft, slowly rubbing up and down. Multitasking, of course, your tongue ran between his slit which had more precum leaking, making Law’s legs shake.
“Oh fuuckk…” His strong hand played with your hair, “Please baby… make me cum.” Giggling, flattening the tip on your tongue before finally taking him all in.
A slow pace, it’s what Law loved, mainly when you were in control. In the situation, he would’ve preferred a quick throat-fuck but you made him feel so good. “God damn, baby, I forgot how good your dirty mouth felt.” Moaning, loving how he talked… he chuckled, “Yeah? You like being a good girl?” Nodding on his dick, beginning to pick up the pace, making Law’s jaw drop while letting out a moan.
Trafalgar Law isn’t a loud man in bed, maybe a few moans and groans in your ear sometimes but that’s it. So he must’ve been real desperate to be moaning like a teenage virgin.
Looking up through your eyelashes, beginning to jerk off the part you couldn’t fit. Law began thrusting into your mouth, “Oh god—yes, good girl, I’m so close.” Pushing the back of your head, making you gag. “Want me to come down that pretty throat?” Nodding, whining on his dick, he grinned… god was he wrecked. Messy hair, cheeks pink, mouth agape, and those bedroom eyes… “Or,” Moving some hair “Come on this pretty face?” Moaning… you couldn’t chose.
So you were gonna let him decided. You picked up the pace, letting him fuck your throat raw.
“Fu—fuck, yes, ple-“ Before he could even finish his sentence, he pushed your head down one more time before coming down your throat. Law let go of you, letting you calm down, removing his dick from your mouth. “Lemme see,” Law sat up, grabbing your chin with his thumb, making you open wide. Humming, “Good girl.” You wiggled, pushing him back into the chair and sitting on his lap. “Now I need you to fuck me…”
Law smirked, “God I love you.”
Rolling your eyes and smiling, “I know.”
“Glad you know I do because Ima fuck you like I don’t.”
last sentence was inspired by smb I follow 🫶
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𝐓𝐲𝐩𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐒𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐬 | (𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 4)
➳❥ 𝐑𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭: If it's not a bother for you, can you please write types of simp they are for rojuro, kenpachi, kensei, sajin and iba? Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
➳❥ 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬: Zaraki Kenpachi, Unohana Retsu, Ichimaru Gin, Muguruma Kensei, Ulquiorra Cifer
➳❥ 𝐀/𝐍: Anon, I’m so sorry that I didn’t write for most of the characters you requested. Majorly because I don’t write for them. However, I didn’t want to turn down your request and decided to answer for Zenpachi and Kensei while adding in extras. I tried my hand with Kensei for the first time even though I’m uninterested in writing for him.
𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 | 𝐍𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧
Zaraki Kenpachi — Aggressively Affectionate Simp
˚₊‧꒰ა Firstly, he’s fiercely protective of you, even though he knows you have strength and skills and all that, he still keeps an eye on you during battles, ensuring no harm comes your way. And god help those who do harm you.
˚₊‧꒰ა We all know he has his roughness, but just for you, he’ll grow a little softer. Ruffling your hair, bumping your shoulders, pulling you onto his lap or letting you piggyback ride across Seireitei or wherever he goes (because he gets lost). Aware of when you’re stressed or tired and forces—scolds—you to take it ease. “You’ve been pushing yourself too hard. Take a rest, I’ll handle things here.”
˚₊‧꒰ა You’re his favourite sparring partner from now on. Whether you have the strength to go against him, he’s sparring with you. Consider it his way of indirectly training you for tough opponents because once you can handle him, you’re good to go.
˚₊‧꒰ა His hands roam and wander and they do not apologise. Walking through the barracks and suddenly feeling a slap to your ass, standing beside him or bending over and randomly feeling his hands on your hips, out of nowhere, a giant, towering six feet figure drapes over you, or a bone-crushing hug that turns you into jelly. Yup! Expect it.
˚₊‧꒰ა Your number one hype man, or maybe Yachiru fights him for that position. But he’s your hype man and makes sure that his division also hypes you up anytime you’re fighting or celebrating a victory or accomplishment.
˚₊‧꒰ა Constantly makes bets with you to see who can kill more Hollows or beat up (in his case, kill) bad guys. The winner…gets something only he could think of giving. I’ll let you all decide.
˚₊‧꒰ა “Say that again, and you’ll regret it. Do you wanna die?” Yes, he threatens everyone and anyone because they dare ill-speak about you?! Never around or not around him. Would tell you to spar with him so you can feel better. Hit him as many times as you want since he’ll tank every hit.
˚₊‧꒰ა He’s fiercely loyal, never letting anyone mutter a single word about you. Which brings about his bluntness when it comes to letting you know how he feels. “I don’t like when you’re upset. Tell me who did this?”
˚₊‧꒰ა Doesn’t like when people interrupt your time with him. “Shoo. Can’t you see we’re busy?” Which leads to his possessiveness, always making sure others know that you’re his. “They’re with me, got a problem with that?!”
Unohana — Gentle-Natured Simp
˚₊‧꒰ა “Have you eaten today? You need to keep your strength up.” Yeah, for all of you who don’t like to eat (proper food), you’re gonna have her on your case when she learns you haven’t been taking care of yourself properly. (don’t think anyone wouldn’t mind though)
˚₊‧꒰ა Super supportive and always there to lend an ear anytime you need something to just listen to or give advice. Words of encouragement will be returned whether you ask for them or not, she will always boost your confidence. “You have so much potential. Never doubt yourself.”
˚₊‧꒰ა Tea dates, which probably start off with cooking dates. I can see her inviting you over to her division to spend time making your favourite meals together before moving to her quarters for a more private setting where you can enjoy your meal and some tea.
˚₊‧꒰ა I really don’t believe anyone is that foolish enough to harm you when she’s protecting you. Like everyone knows her reputation back then, and it hasn’t vanished, so you are well protected. Even if she doesn’t need to revert to that old version of her, her legendary skills in Kido are enough to keep you safe.
˚₊‧꒰ა Randomly pops up out of nowhere when you’re minding your business. All you would suddenly hear is her voice behind you, calling your name sweetly, or suddenly feel her arms sliding around your waist. It gives you quite a scare no matter how many times she reminds you that it’s all in good spirit.
˚₊‧꒰ა She had a habit of touching you as a gesture of reassurance, more for her sake than yours. A silent reminder that you’re real, you’re safe and alive, you’re still here with her. She sees you as her haven, her peace of mind and source of all things good. A light among all her transgressions in her past. Something good in her life.
˚₊‧꒰ა On that note of her being touchy, she does enjoy it when you cuddle her. Even if it’s just leaning into her side and wrapping your arms around her or sleeping beside her—she loves it. A small kiss to your forehead or head while she holds you closely and whispers, “You’re my everything,” or “You bring me much joy.”
˚₊‧꒰ა She loves to call you affectionate nicknames and terms of endearment, which makes your heart race when you look at you so sweetly and softly. “My dear,” “My heart,” “My love,” “My stars.” She’s a romantic one as well, in her own way of course. Surprising you with unexpected acts of kindness, a massage, a hot bath, or a spa day.
Ichimaru Gin — Devoted Simp (obviously)
˚₊‧꒰ა He loves to keep you on your toes, making you flustered or leaving you blushing, when often teasing you in a light-hearted manner. Sometimes, he likes to appear out of nowhere, always keeping an eye on you. “Miss me? I was just around the corner. You look so cute when flustered, you know that?”
˚₊‧꒰ა Fiercely protective and will never let anyone harm you while he’s around or not around. “Touch them, and you’ll regret it.” During any situation that becomes tense, and he notices your discomfort, he’ll use his charming words to defuse the tension. “No need to worry, everything’s under control.”
˚₊‧꒰ა Has a soft spot for seeing you happy and goes out of his way to make you smile. Using the moment to call you affectionate nicknames, often in a teasing yet endearing tone. “Hey, sunshine, come here for a second,” or “Looking lovely to today, cutie.”
˚₊‧꒰ა You don’t have to worry about Gin being honest about his feelings or expressing his thoughts, even if they’re difficult to express. “I care about you more than you know. You’re my everything.”
˚₊‧꒰ა Loves when it’s just you and him together amidst the moments of chaos where he can let his hair down and be at ease. He is protective of those cherished times between you two. Doesn’t appreciate when someone encroaches or attempts to drag you off. “I love moments like this. When it’s just us. You and I.”
˚₊‧꒰ა He’s very attentive to your needs and wants while listening to your troubles or ambitions. He’ll remember that you only drink beverages of a certain colour or sit on a certain side of the room—as silly or odd as your preferences are, he respects them. As for your goals, he’s there to support you. “I believe in you, and I’m here to support you at all times.”
˚₊‧꒰ა His form of physical affection is as subtle and gentle as the wind. A gentle brush of his hand against your cheek, a kiss to the back of your hand, a gentle hug before he pulls you onto the futon to cuddle and peppers your face in soft kisses, landing the last one on your forehead.
Muguruma Kensei — Tough and Dedicated Simp
˚₊‧꒰ა He naturally has a tough exterior, often giving you a hard time, but it would be clear that he cares deeply about you. His teasing would be a way of showing affection to break the ice in case you felt like he was being a bit too tough on you.
˚₊‧꒰ა Despite his gruff exterior, he’s not immune to your teasing. If you call him out on being soft for you, he’ll scowl, but the faint pink on his ears gives him away. “Tch. Soft? You’re seeing things.”
˚₊‧꒰ა He tries not to let his affection affect his leadership, but it’s clear he values your opinion above others. If someone questions it, his response is simple: “Their insight’s solid. Got a problem with that?” But if that person doesn’t know to back off, he is fiercely protective, even if there’s no real danger. If someone so much as raises their voice at you, he’s immediately in their face.
˚₊‧꒰ა He’s awkward with words when expressing how he feels, so he opts to show his care through actions—like fixing something for you or standing watch during late-night shifts. “What? You needed help, and I had time. No big deal.”
˚₊‧꒰ა Though he tries to act cool, his flustered moments give him away. If you catch him staring, he’ll clear his throat and mutter something like, “You’ve got something on your face—never mind.”
˚₊‧꒰ა Kensei always finds himself drawn to your presence, his usually stern expression softening whenever you're around. “Oi, don’t think I didn’t notice you sneaking into my thoughts again.” On rare, quiet nights, he lets himself be honest. “You make all this crap easier to deal with, y’know? Don’t go running off, yeah?”
˚₊‧꒰ა He’s surprisingly attentive, remembering small details about you that most wouldn’t. If you casually mention liking a certain snack, it’ll mysteriously appear in the barracks the next day. “Don’t overthink it, yeah? It’s not a big deal.”
Ulquiorra Cifer — Stoic Simp
˚₊‧꒰ა “Why do you insist on holding my hand?” Struggles to understand physical affection and your need for it. To him, it’s confusing and foreign, though, he slowly eases into the act bit by bit.
˚₊‧꒰ა Incredibly observant and always noticing the smallest details about you and remembering them. “You prefer you tea without sugar, correct?” or “You enjoy a warm blanket during the rain.” Even when your interests might be odd to him, once he understands that it brings you comfort, he strives to achieve it.
˚₊‧꒰ა His form of affection of performed through acts of service. Perhaps something of yours finished or broke. He will repair it or retrieve a new and better version for you, in the same colour with greater efficiency, so it doesn’t crash out on you. “Your vase was broken, so I took the liberty of repairing it.”
˚₊‧꒰ა Quiet moments with you are heavily appreciated—often sitting together in comfortable silence or engaging in deep, meaningful conversations. “Your presence is…calming. I enjoy your company.”
˚₊‧꒰ა He’s so straightforward with his feelings, never beating around the bush to leave you second-guessing what he was attempting to say. “I care about you. That is the truth and should anyone harm or take you away from me, they will suffer.” Protective and honesty as well.
˚₊‧꒰ა Enjoy teaching you about the Hollow world and his experiences, finding satisfaction in sharing his knowledge with you. Sometimes he would talk about his time before becoming an Arrancar and the room might grow silent as you feel sorry for his loneliness or the fights he got involved in back then.
˚₊‧꒰ა Has a habit of silently watching over you. At first, it came off as stalkerish since he was always lurking behind you, five paces silently. It was unnerving, but you eventually grew accustomed to his silence as he followed you around for your safety since other Espada might let their superiority go to their head and attempt to harm you.
©satsugacafé 2025: no permission to repost, plagiarise, copy or translate my work onto any other platform or this one.
#˚₊‧꒰ა satsugacafé ໒꒱ ‧₊˚#zaraki kenpachi x reader#zaraki kenpachi headcanons#zaraki x reader#unohana retsu x reader#unohana retsu headcanons#unohana x reader#ichimaru gin x reader#ichimari gin headcanons#muguruma kensei x reader#kensei x reader#kensei headcanons#ulquiorra cifer x reader#ulquiorra cifer headcanons#ulquiorra x reader#bleach x reader#bleach headcanons#bleach x you#bleach x y/n#bleach imagines
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ha ha h a just spent 15min hiding in the bathroom bc i started crying like a big baby in the middle of pd because wahoo someone’s overwhelmed as shit
#i’m like. not good at handling stress as it is#and everyone warned me about burning out but I brushed it off because#‘how can i effectively do my job unless i push myself to be better’#but alas#it’s only been *checks calendar* two months?#two months#and I am consistently crying myself to sleep because I am once again so overwhelmed and stressed out#it haunts my nightmares. it ruins my every waking thought.#i want a week of fucking peace like come on.#no support no help no one cares if i cry though so.#gotta chew my tongue pretend it’s allergies and convince myself it’s going to be okay#just can’t complain can’t cry can’t think can’t breathe#whatever though right it’s nbd who cares it’s just the socially awkward new girl#kasey screams#vent#whatever i forgot i’m just. not okay basically#delete
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my fellow anxiety havers what is one of your mundane day-to-day tasks that should by no means be anything remarkable but feels like you are being hunted for sport. i’ll go first: putting all of your groceries on the conveyor belt during checkout is like a long series of quick time events to me
#marzi speaks#it’s bc like. you have a cart Full of groceries#there is a cashier looking to scan the groceries#there is (often) a bagger looking to bag the groceries and put them back in your cart#goal: get as many groceries onto that belt as fast as possible#REMEMBER: heaviest items go first so that nothing gets crushed when the bagger puts the groceries back in your cart#it is so stressful. move so fast ‘which of these items is gonna be heavier’ getting to the end and realizing you missed like 3 cans…#it’s even worse if there are ppl behind you. i live in texas so i can at least make socially acceptable conversation with the cashier#EXCEPT i’m already way overthinking the conveyor belt situation. i’m already frazzled#and now i gotta do small talk? oh god#on the bright side i am so fast at it it’s insane. i move faster than the cashier can keep up with#which is A Good Thing. bc that means i am at max efficiency#but like. WAAAUUGHH#and then u pay and hope the card reader isn’t gonna be a bitch#and you sit there for a moment while the cashier and bagger bag the rest of your groceries#and ur like ‘….should i help should i stay here’#tbh checkout is why i like never go grocery shopping alone if i know i won’t have self check out#bc what if there is no bagger. then i gotta balance Get Groceries On Belt. Pay For Groceries. AND Bag The Groceries#ouh god the time concerns. no . never. you can’t make me do that alone#someone handles the transaction while the other person bags it’s the only reasonable way to do it#i KNOW logically that it is not a big deal. but i hate the idea of making anyone wait for me
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i wanna live on my own again …. i’m so ready to put my books on a shelf and my clothes in a closet
#absolutely adore my parents but i’m just excited to Have My Own Place again. where i can unpack all my shit & decorate & stay for a year#and be back downtown tbh. the suburbs are very quiet & it’s peaceful but i feel so lonely out here#i’m gonna have to wait til october for prices to drop a bit but i’m determined to make it work#i got a dope job as a neurofeedback technician but it’s only 9-15h/week ($22cad/h) soooo that ain’t gonna cut it#little nervous cuz frankly i dunno if i can handle working more than ~30h/week rn & also. holy fuck it’s hard finding decent part-time jobs#although! last night my old manager asked if i’d consider coming back to the restaurant to host/do cash on a casual basis/for the holidays#which means i’m probably going to end up balancing 3 jobs again. which is kinda fucked up lol but it’s good money so i can’t turn it down#anyways i’m getting ahead of myself#i do feel like i’m genuinely looking forward to things for the first time in a while though#like grad school next year & tattoos this fall & hopefully making friends w new coworkers n shit. even if it’s unbelievably stressful 👍#pegasus speaks#hi btw i am alive. i just haven’t really been very interested in tumblr at all lately. which is kinda weird but probably for the best
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I do wish there was a Mr. Qi fan discord, but would I want to run it? Not particularly! Modding discords sounds entirely too stressful for me.
#rambles#I have a number of friends who run decently sized discords and they always know I don’t want to be a *mod*#but I’m happy to do organizational tasks like make emotes and pin posts#I’m not like conflict averse and I’m good at handling it it just cranks my internal stress level up to 11
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Actually lots of good things happened today I’m choosing to be positive
#soup for lunch and dinner (TWO!! different kinds)#no accident notes in the toddler room today#got some new face cream that I’m excited to use#in my bed watching YouTube after a stressful phone call that my mom said I handled like a champ#we had a good nap time in my classroom#idk actually a lot of good things#gotta look at the positives
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“You did not live in a house of horrors. I was raised to believe in hellfire; now that was bad!” Okay and impending global genocide of any culture that disagrees with your beliefs isn’t? Being raised mentally preparing to withstand torture at the hands of police in a “do it to Julia” situation isn’t? Being socially isolated from your peers on the grounds that they’re evil uneducated dumb worldly heathens controlled by Satan isn’t a bad thing? No. Those are all good things which every child should be taught in order to experience “the real life.”
The legitimate truth is that we are all in “the real life” right now and in “the real life,” the Governing Body is doing the very best they can to cover up the fact that they’re a cult by relaxing the cult’s rules in a futile attempt to prevent the prosecution in the numerous ONGOING child sexual abuse cases from handing their non-tight-pants-wearing asses to them. And the other legitimate truth is discovering this fact to be the legitimate truth while having to navigate a sea of lies and high school is extremely traumatizing, especially when you feel the need to take a hard stance against the cult to prevent others’ children — children like you — from befalling the same fate by dressing up as some miserable wretch who cooked and ate children, hoping the way you look and carry yourself and stare into the parents’ eyes will scare them away. And even more traumatizing is that your tactics worked; proving that you are just as bad and scary as your preexisting OCD made you out to be. Yes I did it to myself; but consider the reason why I felt so compelled to sacrifice the entirety of my mental health to sabotage you with what little tools I had. I wouldn’t have done it had I not had a very good reason, and my very good reason was that I was a child who loved children. You were trying to protect me and it was a sacrifice; but I was also trying to protect children. My endeavor is not — and was never — a selfish one. It is not that I don’t care about you; I only prioritize the class which is most oppressed, and you are not a part of it because you are adults. Your feelings, unfortunately, are expendable in my mission to end religious child labor. I will not support your corrupt religion to make you happy when I know what it’s done to others and to myself; it is wrong, and you are wrong for supporting it. I, as a paraprofessional, refuse to support a religion which hides the sexual abuse of children for its own gain. By law I am now a mandatory reporter; I must report child abuse when I see it under penalty of law. Therefore it stands to reason that I must report your cult from the top of every mountain for the entire inhabited earth to hear so they may not even take so much as one step in your direction. I am sorry if I seem like I hate you; if the fact that I reject your ideals of theological expectational fascism disturbs you so much, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your choices.
“Your actions affect others.” I know my actions affect others; I know how they affect others as well. You’re crushed and demoralized and suffering physically from all the emotional stress; I’ve likely dug you both early graves. I know what I’ve done and I can live with it — Not easily — but I am not defeated because I know I’m in the right, and have always been in the right. No. The real question is: Do you know how your actions are affecting others? In exquisite detail? Have you listened to the victims? Have you allowed yourself to hear both sides of the story with your human ears, not ones made of tin and thought-blocking strategies and “I had it worse than you” excuses? No? Then you’d better start because the key to healing yourself is to aid in the healing of others. We are all connected as one body; and I refuse to be a cancer cell. Sorry I’m aiding in your downfall but it’s got to happen at some point.
#You know if my mom is praying for me to come back then it’s only fair I perform spells for her to get out. Nonconsensual be our watchword#My dad is surprisingly handling it much better than my mom which I did not anticipate at ALL#Because he was the most volatile when I got forcibly outed. Like yelling and throwing books levels of volatile#I think it’s their respective emotional proximity to the cult. My mom is more in than my dad#My dad is not attending meetings as far as I’m aware (and if he is listening on Zoom then he leaves when a certain person speaks)#All my mom does is study and walk (in preparation for the Tribulation) and work a bloodsucking corporate job for ten hours a day#She attends all the meetings on Zoom#And she’s the one constantly saying in a grave tone of voice “You’ve made your choices. I just want what’s best for you and this isn’t it.#It’s hard when you put in 21 years and your baby is gone. I feel like I’ve lost you. I don’t feel like I know you anymore.”#Because you’ve never known me. The environment did not feel safe enough for me to make myself known#and therefore I split in two at approximately age five or six#Whereas my dad is like “Hey I know we have our differences; but I’d like to focus on our similarities because that’s what matters.”#Like uh… Can I get a hell yeah?#He mentions religion a lot but it’s not as stressful as my mom basically hammering into me that my choices are “bad”#exjw#ex cult#It’s hilarious and sad to see them deny it’s a cult or that they’re brainwashed while trying to impose that same emotional control over me#without even realizing they’re guilt-tripping because they’re running on hurt feelings and faltering religious autopilot#Anyway if anyone’s got me I know “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan has got me good god#The first time I listened to that song I almost broke down sobbing in a car of people I just met on the way to a pride dance#But I kept it together
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This is the most pointless case of new job jitters I’ve ever had.
It’s both a low-stakes filler part-time job until I find something better/full-time AND it involves the same type of tasks I’ve done in some form or another in practically every job I’ve worked. Ugh anxiety is a nonsensical bitch. :/
#🎃 cryptid sighting#I start tomorrow and I’m so oddly nervous#Admittedly it has the potential to lead to better jobs at the same place so I still want to make a good impression#But I literally did this job in the madhouse that is a Walt Disney World park - I can handle this#It’s custodial. It’s like the most chill type of job I’ve ever worked.#I should not be stressing#Yet here I am. Stressing.
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need therapy again.
#tbt this friday when my supervisor asked me if smth bad was going on in my life just because I misundertstood#vague instructions two times that day (with no consequences btw)#and instead of telling her I’m struggling w our diff communication styles I told her I haven’t had rest since December began (also true)#and that my stress is totally manageable#and she told me some shallow shit abt how balance is important (or else) even after I admitted I couldn’t get any rest at home either#I feel horrible all the time and I’m trying to be a good boy by managing it but I rlly can’t. I feel stuck I thought I could handle 2 month#of this but I can’t believe it’s only been a week into january!! and I’m already like this!!!!!#and when I resign? what then? I still don’t know what to do with my life. will I get into another job in hr???????? it’s the easy route if#wanna find a new job and resign asap but#there are. so many things.#tapos bukas traffic pa kasi papasok na rin lahat so magigising pa ako nang maaga#tas may naisip na naman siya na ipapagawa na kailangan namin irush this week#walang katapusan
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Where’s that meme with the buff Shiba Inu and the wimpy one and the buff one is Steve mentoring Wanda and the wimp is Tony mentoring Peter??? That shit’s the best
#Fuck tony stark in the MCU especially. Yeah yeah he saved the universe good redemption after the war profiteering and whatever but#I’m talking about how he handled Peter Parker. Baby spidey.#and basically all he did was get angry at a literal child for a) trying to help#b) dealing with more of HIS MESS without his help#and then proceeded to#a) not explain himself or ACTUALLY LISTEN and then revoke a piece of a child’s identity#bc he has trauma from making all those mistakes himself but cannot talk to a smart boy (like himself 🙄) like a human being#he did a bad job mentoring Peter and i resent the mcu for connecting them the way they did#they did both characters dirty actually and in the process continued to make EVERY OTHER SUPER’S STORY ABOUT TONY FUCKING STARK#and half of the bad shit in the mcu was his direct fault.#i want to stress that nobody is wrong for liking mcu tony stark. or comic Tony stark. multiversal stark#i am very attached to spider-man and you’re lying to yourself if you can’t admit Tony dominated too much of the mcu bc hes the ‘godfather’#also ffs Peter Parker worshipping a FUCKING BILLIONAIRE is downright insulting
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It’s not October yet and I promised to work on finishing my WIPs but y’all have no idea the excitement I hold as a Swiftie and a Sportie. I am winning and the October prompts are about to be so much more fun for me!
#cynful babbles#a sports AU you say? I know it should be soccer but I’m very American#also my team won today too so it’s been a very good sports day for me#I cried cause I was so emotional and screamed and cheered and was stressed as per usual#Tay helped save me but sports kept me sane so yeah I can’t be normal about either#it’s why I’m so happy to see my favs collide. and I will be extra upset when I see slander#I’m not exaggerating when I say watching my team play was the only thing that kept me going during those days#I could not have handled all the weight I was carrying if I didn’t have those few hours to scream at my team#it’s just like a fandom. my dedication and love for it is just as strong#I would not be here today if it wasn’t for music and sports and my fav shows#this really should be a lots of love post but I kinda wanted it on the writing blog so here we are
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I just watched my grandma being taken away by paramedics
#she’s got chest pain. god I hope she’s okay. i thought I was handling it well but I started crying after they left#my dad and my grandpa don’t seem too stressed so let’s not stress either#she’s going to the hospital she’ll be fine they’ll take good care of over#*of her#this is the first time I’ve seen something like this#she turned 74 on Friday#I’m gonna stop talking because I think if I keep going I’ll cry again
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just remembered a friend describing my anxiety as “severe” the other day n i still don’t know how to feel abt it
#marzi speaks#i’m one of those. i hate this term but don’t know a better one#‘high functioning’ types of folks#and i mean. the GAD went undiagnosed for 17 years so#i’m at the very least good enough at masking to fool ppl into thinking the anxiety isn’t that bad#but. i guess some of my stuff could be considered severe#the agoraphobia i had after lockdown was lifted was for sure really bad#i remember making plans with friends and being really excited#and then day of i was so stressed i threw up and had to tell my friends i couldn’t come#bc i was just. too ill. from anxiety#i felt nauseous every time i left the house for a good couple months after that. managed to convince my body i wasn’t gonna die eventually#i guess that qualifies as severe even if i handled it relatively well. hm.#i have a hard time gauging that sort of thing. i’ve been like this my whole life so it just feels normal to me#i don’t know what the ‘standard’ level of anxiety is in any given moment#is it 0?#bc like even when i’m hanging out it sits at a 3/10 i think#i’m only really at 0 when i’m really relaxed and/or high#much to ponder
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guys i’m… reading books?? very occasionally over the last decade, i’ve found something interesting enough to read, but this isn’t like that. i just want to read the way i used to when i was young, so i’m just grabbing books off my shelves and reading them. i read the hunger games last night, then today i read a small book of short stories by kris straub and part of a book of hp lovecraft’s short stories that i’ve never even opened. i’m 29 and i’m reading like i’m 16 again. it’s fully crazy
#y’all i’m autistic and adhd with ptsd#i’m a gifted kid burnout and all i read is fanfic#(which is not at all a bad thing but it’s different y’know?)#my therapist thinks it’s because i’ve been focusing on myself and my needs#which i haven’t done in… ever. i’ve never done this.#but suddenly it’s like maybe i don’t need everyone me to be perfectly happy for me to be happy#like maybe it’s time for me to step back from the big brother/substitute father figure and let my siblings handle their own lives#it’s not like i can tell them what to do i’m just stressed constantly worrying about them#like they’re adults#but even as i’m typing this a big part of me still disagrees#so it’s definitely gonna take more time but this is a good sign
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