#bc he has trauma from making all those mistakes himself but cannot talk to a smart boy (like himself 🙄) like a human being

[jackmischief]

Where’s that meme with the buff Shiba Inu and the wimpy one and the buff one is Steve mentoring Wanda and the wimp is Tony mentoring Peter??? That shit’s the best

[astrangergivingthestrangewelcome]

Incoherent Renfield meta I guess???

So in terms of what Stoker wanted to convey, I don't think he was quite aware of the extent of awfulness and psychiatric abuse Seward was dealing out to Renfield (although you cannot convince me that he was unaware that Seward was a bit of a little freak like that's just characterization how could he have done such a thorough job of creating such a pathetic little man by accident)- however there definitely is this story of idk. growth that comes from compassion, and I wish I could hear from Stoker himself what he was going for with it.

We all want to root for Renfield bc god anyone that goes through Victorian lunatic asylum trauma you immediately want to see win- but when we do see Renfield use his limited agency to do things, they are often selfish and violent things. He very much does want to join the Count, and wants to gain that immortality and power that the Count has. I don't know that there's evidence Renfield wants to dominate the way the Count does but Renfield believes that blood will strengthen him and he for sure is all in on taking human life and feeding on human blood. He does attack Seward and also those guys who were moving the Count and I fully believe that he would have killed them if left to his own devices. He has no power and has been systemically abused... but he's also dangerous.

However, the more I examine his actions... why would he be anything other than selfish and dangerous. Who does he have in life that would cause him to bother with empathy? We know so little about who he was before being admitted. He almost killed two people in the course of this novel- but before that did he try anything violent or was it just the consuming animals thing that got him locked up? Did he have people he cared about? We just don't know.

What's interesting to me is he seems to be on this track of enthusiastically aiding and abetting the Count in his efforts to kill others (and the Count is for sure manipulating him and it's not an equal relationship, but I do think that Renfield understands that the Count does hurt and kill people, and accepts this at the beginning of the novel) but the moment Mina speaks to him and seems decent and kind he immediately has a fit of conscience. There's this implicit understanding "oh she will be hurt, I like her, she doesn't deserve to be hurt." It's more than just an immediate change though. He begs Seward to not let him be alone at night bc he knows that he's not going to be equal to resisting the temptation to let the Count in- and he's super not. And the Count may have been doing vampire mind powers on him, but I don't think that's the full story. The Count tempts him with life. and Renfield despite understanding that Mina is going to be hurt, still wants that life and that immortality enough to let him in. He has a developed dream and he has the desire to do right by Mina and they're at odds.

His ensuing conversation with Seward about souls is so interesting because it's this conflict put under a microscope. He is pleased and excited at the thought he's going to finally get to consume life and be immortal, and he's seemed to make the decision to just ignore the part of it he knows is wrong, but Seward presses the fuck out of the idea that every life he takes means that he is responsible for the soul of the organism as well and this just. Undoes Renfield. When treated like an adult Renfield is capable of engaging with morality and finding his own moral code of right and wrong, and this combined with the fact that he has a face for Mina in the way he never had a face for Lucy is what causes him to give up everything trying to right his mistake.

I think he could have gotten there much sooner than he did. But he lives in an asylum and the person he talks to the most is a doctor who is obsessed with studying him like a lab rat and who does not think about Renfield as a human being who might be able to function in society again after treatment. Isolated and friendless as Renfield was he could ignore the morality of his actions and pursue his own ends. The moment Mina treats him normally that worldview becomes untenable and he begins a slow days long process of accepting that he cannot go on helping the Count. It's a very thought out decision for him. He is giving up his life's work because he realized his life's work was wrong. That's a lot.

This seems like a cautionary tale to treat people like people honestly. Even when they have severe and rather unpleasant mental illnesses that make then kill and consume animals raw. In the end Renfield was perfectly capable of understanding that he didn't have the right to fuck with the lives of others to suit his own ends. He learned that lesson. I bet he could have learned that lesson without so much bloodshed if anyone had cared to reach out to him earlier.

[practicalmagicintuitions]

“The fates lead the willing and drag the unwilling”

I was thinking about that last MT podcast HC had when he mentioned stoicism and a book I have but I haven’t read yet. So I decided to deep dive in a little bit because I studied philosophy at the university at a very basic level but I always wanted to know more, so this seems a good occasion. I am also interested in what HC could see in this philosophy school. I think we all know at this point he is interested in things that interest his people, not necessarily him or he is dropping ideas, new things fast. So one part of this will be a summary of stoicism because I feel many people have misconceptions or don’t know what is this just saying this is sh*t even don’t have the slightest idea about it. The other part will be a little HC armchair analysis by me throughout this topic. And I also decided to read the book he mentioned - Viktor E. Frankl Man's Search for Meaning - and maybe I will walk through it or give you a summary if you interested. 

Bare with me, because this turned out to be long, but I had to get out his from my system.

Not soon after the pandemic and the lockdown started in 2020 Penguin Random House said the print sales of Marcus Antonius’s Meditations are up 28% for the first quarter of 2020 vs 2019, while print sales of Letters from a Stoic are up 42% for the same period. The ebook sales rose by 356% . This boom was because of the pandemic but the popularity of modern stoicism has been an upcoming thing for a while especially since people like Bill Gates or Warren Buffet allegedly used stoicism in their business and Thomas Kaplan is supporting a Stoicism Course at Brown University. But unfortunately, modern stoicism has become kind of a ready-made lifehack, a self-helping method, that’s why books like Ryan Holiday’s one could be published and becomes a success. This is where I see modern stoicism’s faults. 

Stoicism seems a good school to support or to follow in the pandemic because this is about we have to accept the things we have no control over. Probably that’s why the sales went up. This is about don’t letting uncontrollable things or events messing with your judgment and clarity. Fear, screams, panic, rages don’t help. And I think we can agree this is true. Aurelius wrote his Meditations in the middle of a battle when his men were dying not just because of the fights but because of a pox epidemic and top of that he was an Emperor. So to maintain his sanity he had become a stoic. He didn’t have an influence on the epidemic so he just accept it and didn’t spend his energy raging about it. 

Stoicism was founded by Zenon around 300 BC. And it was a thriving and popular school without huge wars or pandemics or anything. Back then it was not a reaction to something but a preparation for something. More directly prepare yourself the thing you cannot be prepared for. And probably this is the OG stoicism most valuable teaching that there are events in this world we simply cannot control. What we can control however how we react to those events. Are we remain calm or think this is a catastrophe. Let see a very basic example. We are mortals, we will die no matter what. This is a sure event we have no control over. What we can control that our view on this. Will we panic? Refuse to even talk about death or refuse to make a will because “OMG I will die then!!” Like spoiler alert, it will happen, will or no will. Or we understand our time is limited and try to enjoy it and not see smaller inconveniences are tragedies. I am sure we all know people who think if they spill themselves over with coffee or the handle of the grocery’s bag comes off it’s a pure tragedy and they are capable of thinking about this all day as something it is happening with them always an exclusively. 

Until this, I think it’s all good we can use this in our daily life. What is dangerous in the OG stoicism is that the stricter wing of it thought emotions as a whole or almost all of it cause confusion so you basically should eliminate emotions to have that clarity on life. That’s why Diogenes wrote that the wise is emotionless. And this is the main and very valid criticism again stoics, that with taking away the emotions they basically ripping of humans from something very unique valuable, important, because our emotions make us humans. And because living totally emotionless is kinda impossible this goal is not realistic, so it causes many frustrations ( oh my... even more emotions!) Because think about it, who are described as emotionless? Psychopaths. 

You have cases, events, when your emotions, even overflowing ones are right and acceptable and suppressing them, could be dangerous. Because realistic or not Marcus Aurelius and Seneca and the other stoics idea was not just watching the world and letting things happen, shrugging a shoulder and say nothing, no! Their philosophy and aim were to eliminate the bothering things which not let you think calmly. And since we are talking about philosophy the reality of this in practice is secondary. Critics also think ( and maybe the modern stoicism is going in this direction) that a hardcore stoics care only about themself and their egos while Seneca says friendships are important and in general most stoics accepted positive feelings (to a certain extent).

Stoicism comes back to life mostly in psychotherapy around 1900 by Paul Dubois ( before him there was another new wave of stoicism in the 16th century) and that’s where Victor E Frankle is connected to this topic. I haven’t read his book yet but I know his method is called logotherapy (logos= meaning) and this was born in the deepest existential crisis when his whole family was killed in a concentration camp and he felt he had remained only one personal freedom, the way how he reacts to the circumstances. Frankle invented his own method so he is not just planted some ancient in the modern world but he in fact thought Socrates and his philosophy is his inspiration. I won’t talk about this more until I read his book. 

* I wanted to listen to the whole podcast again, but I couldn’t so I just went to the part we care about now.

So they are talking about morning routines and he mention that one of his teachers in primary school said to him “Always expect the unexpected” This is pure stoicism and while I am not suggesting he is lying I noticed he likes to blend his current interest with his childhood memories like when he said at the WitcherCon how they had to build a fantasy castle in the school (or something) and this was such good preparation for him because he has a fantasy series now. Convenient right?

So he mentioned the teacher and a little later hinting that he is into stoicism lately. Question is, which comes first? The teacher with the stoic idea or the stoicism as a new interest somehow repainted his childhood memories? 

Then he again is talking about the stoic’s way of control. Or does he? 

“ focusing on the thing you can control and make yourself better to control them” 

This was never part of the OG philosophy because that is not about being a control freak. It is actually the opposite. If you cannot control something let it go, not force things to go on your way and if you failed then you let go. 

The next part it’s not about this topic but I have to mention it because I kinda overlooked it when I listed this at the first time.

He is asked about the fitness industry’s mistakes and he said

“I wouldn’t be the kinda person to point my finger at anyone and say there is a big mistake there…. I wouldn’t ever want to point to finger at anyone saying there is a mistake “

So… should I insert the FO post here? And I know the question and the answer was about fitness but he clearly has no problem pointing fingers at people. 

This leads to us again to the control topic. His FO post is creaming about controlling. “ You don’t like the way I am dating? You don’t like I have a covid romance? Then I will tell you what to do and how to behave because I need to have control over my fandom”

When the host asked him about overcoming obstacles he mention the book - Victor E. Frankl Man's Search for Meaning. (he also said it’s difficult to give advice…)

While he is talking about the book (and for me, it’s clear that the host doesn’t give a damn about this) so HC’s whole tone is changed. Just compare when he is talking about MT and training and so on, he is so irritating and unlistenable but here he is calmer, doesn’t use his voice so expressively, doesn’t emphasise that much in a sentence etc. This to me shows he is actually craving after something more, something deeper, something serious. Not just talking about his ties and blueberry smoothies. I don’t think is dumb (I think he has dumb choices thought) I think he could be more both as an actor both as an individual because when he was talking about the book I felt he has a true, genuine interest and it was a one-second opportunity to talk about something interesting not just fart powder.  

I feel his interest in stoicism is an attempt to validate why he is oppressing his feelings. I am sure he does this because he is uncomfortable with his feelings, past and present. For example, I think instead of the bullying his main trauma is being sent away from home to a boarding school and experiencing cold treatment from his mom (the infamous stop calling story). But he oppressing this because I guess all of his brothers he is looking up to loves their mom and he feels he needs to be a good son but questioning his mom means he is a bad one. So instead of admitting that he is hurt and damaged by it he is saying the bullying was his worst experience. 

This means to me he doesn’t understand stoicism, ancient or modern he just wants and moreover, he needs something he can hold and cling to, something that gave himself meaning. As a book’s title says: Man’s search for meaning. And I feel HC does this maybe a little bit desperately. Searching for the answers and this moment he thinks stoicism is the key to finding what he is looking for while in reality, the main problem is he doesn’t ask the right questions. And without them, he won’t find any answer. Or meaning. 

Title quote from Seneca

[angstlizard]

wait why do you hate hawks?? just curious not wanting to start an argument or anything

hawks is a lil bitch and if I ever saw him irl it'd be on sight. unfortunately he is a fictional character so that cannot happen, but it'd be fun to beat him up. like, sure, I might be even shorter than him with no ability to fight, n my only defenses are knives and fire, but in my soul I know I could win against this sky bastard.

nshsksjsj but like in all seriousness (warning for manga spoilers)

im a league stan first n foremost and holy shit was was everything involving twice's murder horrific and i cried so much fkdjkdk

hawks really went "twice was a good guy and I wanna be like him. how do I do that? hmmm.... I know, by supporting an abuser!" how dare u disrespect my mans honour. perish.

he's a grown ass man who is also in a position of power as not only a hero but the number two hero. and he decides to support an abuser. idc if his fans argue that "he has trauma from abuse so that's why he still supports endeavour." if I was in the bnha universe I wouldn't want someone who tries to argue that "he's changed now" in charge of protecting me.

speaking of his job as a hero, and twice, he states his mission clear as day. he was not tasked with murder. he was only to apprehend him and take him into custody. and legally, that's all heroes can do! their job is not to kill villains, nor even arrest them, but to detain them until the actual police show up to arrest 'em.

ALSO. LOOK. as much as I love dabi, and I don't wanna see him suffer any more than he already has, if hawks would've killed either of them in self defense, it would've been dabi. you don't-- you don't kill an exhausted man via literally stabbing him in the back (neck, technically) and claim the moral high ground

^^ that was specifically aimed towards his fans tbh. with the except of a few, his stans make me hate him even more

they shove him in EVERYTHING. can the league exist without hawks??? y'know, like they've been doing??? hawks is unnecessary and we as a society have progressed passed the point of needing him (we never needed him actually)

any time I see the infernal trio + hawks I am sent into a rage. y'all really erasing the rest of the league??? there is No Need to use hawks in ur "traumatized league members" posts or whatever bc the majority of the Actual League Members have tons of trauma already

dabihawks. need i elaborate

good god hawks has permeated dabi content so much there is at LEAST like, three untagged d/h posts or just solo hawks posts every time I make the mistake of going into the dabi tag. spare me

I have what I think might be a genuine phobia of being murdered or smth, might be related to trauma things, and christ was the "hawks shows duffel bag body" scene NOT it for me. bad vibes all around n it makes me sick to even think of it. horrifying to me even tho I hate best jeanist

(also dabi didn't even say "murder someone" this man just instantly went to murder, we should've known what would happen w twice)

speaking of trauma, hes like... very narcissistic and manipulative imo and when it comes to characters like that I bounce bc those r traits way too close to my own abuser

thank u for coming to my ted talk and I am SO sorry for writing like... a whole ass essay on why I hate him dnksbskdj I sincerely hope none of this felt like I was being aggressive or hostile towards you, and I apologise if it came off that way btw!! it Was pretty aggressive but it was meant towards hawks himself + certain types of hawks stans

[transsexualhamlet]

okayokayokay i have like. Q U E S T I O N S because i have *wanted* to read no longer human but have been afraid to SO -

1) what's it like? what do u think of it? im sooo curious 👀

2) do u think that asagiri-sensei based bsd dazai sorta off the book more than off the actual authour? i seem to remember reading that once but i dont remember if it was speculation or not

3) .......just infodump as much as you want, really; im Curious™️ and it looks like ur having fun with the book XD

p.s. - have fun with crime and punishment; thats a book ive DEFINITELY been meaning to read (but i havent had time to yet djfjdjfjf)

AHHHHHHH HI TYSM I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD ASK. I read the entire book in 2 hours before going to bed like four days ago, though it probably wasn't the best time to do it, that shit is nightmare fuel

I'm just gonna preface this with I know basically nothing about the actual author other than what's in the book, also I read the manga version (the junji ito one, yeah) so yeah I'm not sure how much that differs from the original text.

So for how much he based it off of the book vs the actual author, I couldn't really tell you- no longer human is somewhat of an autobiography, so I'd say that those work together. (it's complicated, bc the main character of no longer human is not actually dazai, but dazai is there, and they like??? basically say that that character and dazai are like actually the same person???? and they like, switch places at the end?? its really confusing, but basically, I'm treating the mc of no longer human as dazai himself.) The important stuff about the author that I know of worked into dazai's character is all in no longer human too so,,, yeah. I think saying that it's based more off of that book is probably true, though I don't know what asagiri was thinking.

But about the book itself- Yeah uhhhhhh seriously, I don't really recommend reading no longer human if you have much of a sensitivity to basically anything, especially the graphic novel version because when i say graphic novel i mean Graphic there is so much nudity, sex, s/a, addiction, violence, Mental Illness of all types, religious trauma, obviously suicide, and frankly just visually horrifying stuff

So everything under this is gonna be under a cut just cause Uh Yeah It's A Lot and i do not want to subject everybody to it

But reading it was certainly something I am glad I did, because it did teach me a lot about dazai and how he was created, as well as confirming a lot of theories I had about him that can't be confirmed or denied in bsd canon.

Like me and my friend were just like examining his character and kind of coming up with ideas about him- like we both agreed that he had Motherless Energy TM and that his dad had to have been an absolute fucking piece of shit. Also, we thought that he definitely had to have had A Lot of csa trauma and probably issues having to do with his neurodivergency when he was a child.

Literally all of that ended up being true within the canon of no longer human, so I was kind of impressed that we were so right?? It makes me feel better for thinking a lot of those things, especially since they're just Pretty Fucked Up.

But yeah its. No wonder he turned out that way when he was So Autistic and Masking So Much And So Badly and with absolutely no guidance as how to deal with his neurodivergency other than just fucking let anything anyone wanted happen sooooo he got raped, as a kid, like. A lot. A LOT. And basically ended up thinking that because of this all humans were just horrifying awful monsters and yeahhhhh things pretty much went downhill from there

I don't have a ton of time so you can send me more asks about it lol this is just barely scratching the surface this thing is pretty intense

A lot of other things that I think I can apply to bsd dazai as well, tho they're not gone into that much in the canon:

-This dude is like always fucking drunk or high, cause he just cannot stand being sober that much. He's a serious alcoholic and actually addicted to opioids and I cannot think that much differently about dazai. He's got issues.

but there are a lot of differences between Dazai and the no longer human mc, though there are enough similarities that this is definitely the dude he was based off of.

The main difference is that the no longer human mc is actually just a good guy. He's made a shit ton of stupid fucking mistakes, but he's trying to be a good man and he feels awful for the things he's done, which, I really cannot say Dazai has. Dazai is not a good man, I think everyone knows that. He doesn't really care that much lol

-both of them are like. Weirdly popular with women. Which is hilarious but like, with Dazai he doesn't really take it seriously, and he actually flirts with women. The no longer human guy like. He doesn't hes just like Tragically Attractive and women want to be with him and he has no clue how to say no so he just ends up being a whore bc hes socially useless. It causes a lot of problems bc hes like constantly cheating because of this lol.

-Dazai has a much more poetic view of it all? The no longer human guy is just fucking suffering and hes like why is this happening to me im so awful and i bring misfortune to everyone around me and its not fair and he wants to die and everything but it's not at all in the same way that Dazai does. Dazai acts more like an author than him, in the sense of his "I want a death that is narriatively satisfactory and I want to know the meaning of living by seeing the worst of it and observing how it is to be a human" yeah that's not the same at all. No longer human man really just doesn't understand them and is just. Not having fun

-Also, it's really the thing about Dazai having such an utter lack of religion compared to his original counterpart. Like, the main thing that kept this dude alive for so long was the fact that he had so much religious trauma and was constantly guilty and worried he would go to hell and basically scared of everything. Bsd dazai is like, nearly the opposite, he's the kind of dude who was born and raised atheist, and in the kind of way that he's trying to basically come up with his own meaning of life and religion to follow, whereas the original is struggling to live with one that's been perscribed to him. Both are Very Neurodivergent but it was, handled differently

And yeah i really do have to keep this short, you can totally ask me more and I have a lot more to say but one thing I want to bring attention to is the fact of something they do have in common- their masking. It's a big part of no longer human, about how the mc doesn't understand social customs and what is acceptable or how to talk to people or seriously be happy, so he basically comes up with this "clowning" which is basically, make a fool of himself on purpose all the time so people will never take him seriously or think he's good or smart. That's something dazai completely does, wholeheartedly, and something that fucks him up bad in no longer human. And I think that could be examined a lot more deeply, this dude has issues and so many of them are related to autism. God, I have so many thoughts but aghhhhhhhhhhhhh i hope u enjoy

[musical-chick-13]

And Theon bc I love him

WHAT A COINCIDENCE I LOVE HIM TOO (this answer is gonna be a combination of books and show)

Send me a character and I’ll tell you the following:

• Did they live up to their potential? / In what ways was their potential unachieved?

-I would say yes. The only negative I have about his general arc is his death (which, see below). But Theon from the very beginning was, though not a particularly nice person, still relatable. Feeling othered, wanting to be accepted by an immediate environment that doesn’t accept you, isolated from and ostracized by your family, and the tension that comes between serving the different types of familial relationships in your life. Theon has no idea who he is, tossed aside by his blood family for not growing up with them and being “soft,” aka sort-of moral and having emotions that aren’t selfish rage or smugness (which, yep, that second part is a mood, see: my entire childhood and how no one wanted to be around an “emotional” “soft” child). And from there, he spirals out of control in a way that, while certainly not admirable by any stretch of the imagination, is still understandable in the context of the narrative and his characterization. And from there, after going through hell and quite literally losing himself (even to the point of straight-up denying rescue), he builds himself back up gradually, to the point where he expressed extreme regret for what he’s done, helps an innocent woman escape a truly horrifying situation, acknowledges that his family is generally garbage, and (in-show b/c again books aren’t finished), helping to restore his sister to power, rescuing her after his PTSD relapses while confronting Euron, and ultimately opting to protect the Starks come hell or high water in order to genuinely atone for what he’s done. He is no longer conflicted because he wants to do the right thing, and that right thing is defending the kingdom from the White Walkers and making sure Sansa and Bran are safe. And it’s no longer about fulfilling a duty or finding a family to fill the void. Because now he has found himself. I will contend that Theon has one of the best, most nuanced, most organic redemption arcs of all time. I will forever be grateful that I got to see that piece of storytelling unfold.

Although, I would love to know what he thought of Dany. A missed opportunity, that.

• How they negatively and positively affected the story.

-Positive: His arc of identity and finding where your loyalties lie ties into the overall theme of “How do you find yourself in a world where goodness, authenticity, and honesty are often punished and increasingly rare?” And it proves that governmental politics aren’t the only defining factors in decisions: familial politics can be just as difficult and dangerous, which adds yet another rich, complicated layer to the overall story. He has a genuine, honest-to-Drowned-God redemption arc, which is...not really present anywhere else in the story (no, Jaime is not on a Redemption Quest, I will die on this hill). But I think the biggest draw of Theon’s presence is that it deconstructs the whole “Character Revenge Fantasy” idea. He does bad things. We want him to be punished. But not like that. No one deserves that. How far is too far? What does retribution really look like? Given how easily that idea can be abused and go off the rails, is retribution even something to strive for? What is the point of using extreme violence/torture/mutilation/breaking someone’s psyche when it doesn’t really accomplish anything? Isn’t atonement and genuine justice a better option? It certainly was for Theon. He could only piece himself back together and do anything meaningful once he was out of his abusive environment. All of these are imporant questions that are posed by his existence in the narrative.

-Negative: Idk if I have much to say here. My biggest problem is his death (see below), but that’s not really a negative story effect so much as...being disappointing and narratively irrelevant. I gotta say, his introduction via his sister was...really weird. I genuinely have no idea why GRRM wrote that. It never came up again or had any kind of narrative ramifications and kind of cast a strange, uncomfortable light on his relationship with Asha/Yara for the remainder of the story. I can ignore and enjoy their later relationship it if I don’t think about it too hard, though, so I guess I’ll chalk it up to GRRM having a Bad Idea.

• What my favorite arc for them is.

-All of it?? Theon’s journey is kind of...one big arc, which is why I think it works so well. He has this overarching redemption plot which spans the entire series and informs every decision he makes (for good or for bad, depending on where in the aforementioned journey he is). The redemption arc isn’t bogged down with side plots or other pieces of narrative clutter, meaning it has time to grow and, thus, be gradual and realistic. If I had to choose a specific point, it’s probably when he tries to reintegrate back into society via supporting Yara. Gaining the Iron Islands’ support for her ruling, spiriting away with Euron’s fleet, and ultimately rescuing his sister after her capture. He can’t just go back into society. He’s scared. He has really bad PTSD. But he recognizes that putting his home in good hands is something bigger than just him because it’s Yara’s home, too. I just...I really love family relationships, y’all.

• What I think of their ending.

-I’m not really sure how I feel about this one. I get that the series is GrimDark™ and that people who make the right choice and fight for good die all the time, but Theon dying just felt...wrong. To me.

And, like...I get it. It makes sense to parallel his original descent into villainy (cemented by executing those two boys and pretending they were Bran and Rickon) with him dying to protect Bran himself. It ties into the whole very common trope of completing a full redemption arc by committing a completely selfless act at great personal cost. It’s kind of like the whole Missy thing in Doctor Who (which...hoo boy, that post is coming, make no mistake), where selfishness is directly opposed by making the ultimate sacrifice with no motivation for personal gain. And the fact that the last words he ever heard were “You’re a good man?” I cannot even begin to describe how much that makes me sob. But...honestly, I’m really tired of this idea that redemption has to end in death in order to be achieved or “complete.” I think it’s much more poignant to have a redeemed character live to help build a better world. Because what’s the point of telling people to be better if the “reward” is death? No one’s going to want to reform themselves if they think that’ll be the result.

I think the thing that Bugs Me™ the most is that Theon never really got to have a moment of peace when he was alive. Sansa gained the North’s love and at least had a secure childhood. Ned and Cat were happily married for years. Arya had parents who loved her and a good relationship with Jon. Jon fell in love with Ygritte and found his Night Watch Bros, and Robb (in show verse) had some very happy moments with Talisa. Davos put great stock in what he considered fulfilling friendships with Stannis and Shireen; Brienne was treated respectfully by Renly, Catelyn, and Sansa; Missandei and Grey Worm had each other and their friendship with Dany, who herself had many personal successes in her quest for the Iron Throne and saw the death of her abusive brother. Cersei even had moments with Jaime (who himself had several notable military victories and at least some time with Myrcella, as well as being gladly and deeply in love, however dysfunctional that love was), times when she successfully fought off enemies (including her dad), and some sweet moments with Tommen, as well as a huge victory via blown-up sept at the end of season 6. Theon was treated as a second-class family member by the Starks his whole life by being “traded” to them as a condition of war resolution AS A BABY, is immediately disparaged and mistreated by his immediate family when he tries to return to them, makes terrible decisions that almost cost him his conscience completely, is brutally tortured by Ramsay, is on the run with his sister from Euron almost immediately after, and has a PTSD attack that ultimatly results in him having to launch a rescue mission. And then he fights ice zombies. And then he dies. He never really...got to be happy at all? There was never any kind of “win” for him. Not even survival. The narrative couldn’t even give him that.

TLDR: Theon’s death seemed less shock-value-y than others (like, for example, Shireen or Missandei or, heck, Melisandre even), and it isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It’s narratively-informed and it makes sense as an emotional through-line, but, ultimately, Redemption Cemented By Selfless Death is a tired trope, and I honestly thought this story (which...you know...serves as a deconstruction of common fantasy tropes/book tropes in general) was better than that.

• When I wish they had died. / If I think they should’ve died.

-So here’s where we get personal™ kids.

So, it’s no secret that I am...severely mentally ill. I’ve talked about expression/presentation of mental illness in regard to Cersei a lot on this blog, and how that (as paradoxical as it may seem) helped bring a sense of comfort and emotional resonance to me. Theon, post-Ramsay, has, I think, a very clear case of PTSD. Theon is one of the few characters I’ve seen where his mental illness isn’t the cause of the bad, violent, dangerous choices he makes. It only takes root after he has made the decision and conscious effort to better himself, and it, rather than demonizing him, serve to humanize him. His trauma didn’t define him. And although a PTSD attack led to him unintentionally losing Yara to Euron’s capture, he makes every effort to rescue her, a goal he does end up achieving. It is so rare I get to see a character who goes through these things, successfully fight them and come out with positive qualities at the end. Like...switching topics a bit here, Jaime going back to King’s Landing to (try to) escape and ultimately die with Cersei made sense to me because, as Jaime says, he is a hateful man. He never made much of an honest effort to be anything else. And he never truly wanted to be good; he just wanted to be liked. He wanted to adopt some personality that would make him feel less disconnected from the rest of the world. But Theon...genuinely feels remorse for everything he’s done. He makes a concerted effort to do everything in his power to improve the lives of people he believes are good and deserve to be safe. So, just...killing him off in a Completely Selfless Sacrifice (like...you know how a lot of mentally ill people put themselves through suffering-like OCD rituals, bottling feelings, self-harm, even suicide-in a misplaced attempt to “help” or “protect other people”) seemed antithetical to everything we saw of his arc.

Ultimately, with such a humanizing, empathetic portrayal of trauma and mental health struggles, seeing Theon be killed off just...pissed me off. I am so tired of seeing mentally ill characters die. I really want to believe that I can live through and thrive in spite of the things that afflict me, and I get example after example of characters not being allowed to do that. It feels awful, quite frankly. And it makes hope that much harder. 

I also just feel like...there was nothing the story gained from his death? I get the thematic parallels as mentioned earlier, but it didn’t really move the story forward in any significant way. It didn’t motivate other characters to do anything, it had no political ramifications, it didn’t serve to contribute to any kind of happy ending or commentary on society, it just...was sad. Again, I thought this story was better than that.

[prompt-master]

Would you be willing to share how you might rewrite Yukizome, Sakakura, and Munakata to make them likable characters (if not ppl Bc there’s a big difference)???

ahhhhhhh this ask got me so stupidly excited that I was like wavin my hands around. I think about how to rewrite their characters OFTEN. very often. I’m gonna go with likeable character over likeable people because I think they work better where they’re actually not that likeable people. 

The one I think about the MOST is Munakata. He was SUCH wasted potential and I partially blame the medium for that (a single season anime is too constrained for future, it needed more time and care to be a proper story). But Munakata is actually so close to being a compelling character but they made some MAJOR mistakes with him. This ended up getting really long and more like a 3 page ADHD ramble essay. SO IM VERY SORRY to anyone who cannot read this but TYTYTY if you did because these ideas make me very happy! Oh it’s only about Munakata btw because of how long it got

The thing about Munakata is that he is designed to be a foil to Naegi. In fact a majority of dr3 future FOCUSES on this foil dynamic. It is Naegi’s hope vs Munakata’s hope. The World’s hope vs The FF’s hope. And more importantly it is True Hope vs Corrupted Hope.

This is a fantastic concept...so why didn’t it work in canon? I think that the biggest most glaring issue with Munakata’s hope is his logic. Munakata is meant to be a logical man, although with corrupted morals that lead him astray. Yet in canon his logic is laughably infallible. For example as a major figure in the FF and someone who wants to spread hope....why would he tell Naegi to kill himself? More importantly why does he continue to try and slaughter Naegi? The issue here isn’t from the fact that he wants him dead but from the fact that he is under the IMPRESSION that this entire game is being broadcast to the world.

Think about this for a second. In Munakata’s eyes he is going to kill the Ultimate Hope, an international symbol of a better life, live on TV. He doesn’t just want to kill the Ultimate Hope..he wants to do it BRUTALLY as a MAJOR FIGURE OF THE FF. IMO this should have happened later on as the game furthers the emotional turmoil in Munakata’s head and he eventually snaps and gives in to the desire to kill Naegi despite the fact that this is live. And then there should be CONSEQUENCES for that. I wanted so badly a realization where Munakata realizes that he is hurting the Ultimate Hope in front of what he believes is the entire world. 

Another issue with Munakata’s logic is saying things such as...implying that the HPA KG was...just a game. I mean...people DIED. it's not hard to see how wrong that logic is. you can't say “this is the real world now” when what Naegi experienced WAS the real world. I think that this could be fixed through a bit of world building. DR3 Future is rather isolated from its world. We don’t really know much about the world and its dynamics. I think it would make perfect sense if the general public viewed the HPA KG as a tv show, they got numb to the sight and even those untouched by despair had a hard time connecting that these are REAL people suffering. With this previously established Munakata expressing that the KG was not real would make a lot more sense and play into his corrupted idea of hope. 

There is also Munakata’s connection to his other friends. Now I’ve talked about this before but the game was clearly designed to BREAK Munakata and Naegi. This way the FF would die, both the FF and World’s hope would be broken, and upon seeing this Mitarai would have no choice but to deploy his own forced hope. So it makes perfect sense that Yukizome’s death would break him (in fact if she hadn’t died in that way, her NG code was designed to be Munakata’s fault). But something about it felt...superficial. Again I think this is the mediums fault but it almost feels as though Munakata just forgets about Yukizome until later. I think they should spend more time establishing his pain and what he has lost and why this pushes him to kill. In his eyes if she can die then nothing else matters. It should be THE breaking point, not the first push. I do like the betrayal he feels towards realizing she had despair but it needed more time to fester. 

And his relationship with Sakakura also felt weak. In all honesty it was hard for me to feel as though they were ever friends. Sakakura is written as though he just follows Munakata like a loyal dog and Munakata just orders him around. Establish their relationship more! Why are they such good friends? Why is Sakakura important to him? And more importantly why did Munakata decide to cruelly gut Sakakura knowing he was about to confess? This is because he believed that Sakaura was despair and that his confession was more manipulation, but they didn’t show this well at ALL. Munakata just comes across as a major a-sshole who does not care. I also personally found it distasteful that when changing his heart Munakata only seemed to cry for Yukizome. I understand that was his love interest but Yukizome at the end of the day killed herself. Sakakura however was an unnecessary betrayal he took into his own hands AS HE HIMSELF KILLED HIM. He should have more guilt over that! Not just in that moment where he runs to Sakakura, but ahead of time as well! Maybe even DURING his rampage they could have shown him having moments of guilt but he is so absorbed in the idea that all despairs have to die that he doesn’t even realize he has become despair in the name of hope.

A BIG weakness on Munakata’s part comes with interacting with other characters. He is a man who should know how to take charge, lead, and doesn't know what to do when things are getting too crazy even though he THINKS he does. Munakata is heavily flawed, OBVIOUSLY flawed, but many of the interactions with him are as tho his rampage isnt a big deal. There should be reasons for this! Why do people trust Munakatas guidance so much? I dont know! All ive seen from him is that hes insane! Maybe even pieces where around others hes a lot nicer so you can understand why they follow him, even though hes ready to gut Naegi alive with a flaming katana. His interactions with others feel like the writers just wanted to see the next big evil thing they could think of, but for Munakata’s character this doesn't make sense because he was appointed a high status in the foundation for a reason. Maybe even have people say they disagree with some of his methods but at the end of the day he gets the job done!

There is another major missed opportunity here and it's why Muanakata wants Naegi dead so badly in the first place. The remnants. Hiding terrorists in the apocalypse is a PERFECTLY valid reason to want someone dead and think they're a bad guy! But I think since Naegis initial arrest was already so hostile and violent we get the sense that the FF is simply just...crazy. 

And let’s think about what Munakata WANTS from Naegi. He does not just want Naegi dead he wants something worse. He wants Naegi to suffer first. He thinks that Naegi doesnt understand his own personal pain. He thinks that because Naegi protected the remnants he must also not care about the suffering the remnants caused. He wants Naegi to feel despair and then die. This is important to his corrupted hope. He thinks the suffering must be shared in order to understand who must die, but he is creating a cycle of pain. Tie this back to the broadcasting issue. He wants Naegi to break for everyone to see. I think..and this is just a concept..I think it would have been a great idea for Munkata to force Naegi to watch the despair video so that he has no choice but to understand. 

AND themes are majorly important to Danganronpa. And I don’t think its a stretch to say that there are parallels between Munakata and Naegi. In fact I would say that there are aspects of the og trio in this new trio. I think it would have been really cool if they showed how our favorite trio could have ended up if they had been corrupted as well. But the parrellels dont stick strongly. I think it would have been cool to show a past where Munakata’s idealism lies more strongly than Naegis. As the student council president there was a time where he himself had to use his words to solve problems. Perhaps he learned that sometimes his words made things worse. Munakata does not have Naegi’s talent of emotional intelligence. He is a man of action over words. So he interprets this as WORDS being the problem rather than understanding he does not have these skills. Especially when the apocalypse breaks out, it becomes all action over words. So he sees Naegi who is all talk as a genuine threat who will let everyone die through his “weak ineffective” idea of hope. 

Another parallel could be drawn from the fact that they both have hope based careers. Their job is too keep things hopeful. Maybe Naegi stays safe doing public broadcasted speeches, while Munakata is on the field weeding out despairs. This would cause Munakata to feel as though Naegi is doing no real work yet getting all the credit for being a savior.

Munakata constantly complains that Naegi does not know true pain. But he and we as an audience have followed Naegi through his entire process of trauma. We know he is in the wrong. But what do we as an audience know about Munakata’s suffering? We are shown almost nothing! There are some implications, but for how intense he is implications are not enough. We need to see his suffering. We should see how he has witnessed death. Yukizomes death is not nearly enough for this because he talks as though he has suffered for years. How can we as an audience understand that when we have never seen it? How can we understand Munakata when he is outright denying Naegi’s trauma that we KNOW existed with no proper justification for his reasoning?

I also believe that Munakata should have died. It actually upsets me a bit that he was PLANNED to die but didn't. He should have died protecting Naegi after all that suffering and relentless brutality he offered him. Munakata again is a man of action over word, and protecting Naegi with his last breath is the perfect way to show how in the end he changed. Especially when all he wanted initially was for Naegi to die. I find that much more satisfying than just…...walking off to who knows where.

So lets recap some changes. Munakata needs a proper display of his past traumas and his relationship with Sakakura and Yukizome. Munakata needs a proper display of his work relationships and the respect he has earned. Munakata needs to fall into corruption at a better pace, and have geniune reasons for his illogical attacks on Naegi. Munakata needs to care more for his friends. Munakata needs to deal with the turmoil of wanting to hurt Naegi while he believes the world is watching. Munakata needs to die for Naegi

This has gotten long...and I still have things to say. There is so much to make Munakata a good character. Future had a lot of potential and is amazing for a rewrite concept. As for Sakakura and Yukizome since this has gotten long feel free to ask for another round of this individually when asks are open again! If you read all of this somehow….TYSM

[kdotan]

My Jason Grace Headcanons (part 1)

He can seem really cold and unnerving when you first meet him. I mean, he’s the son of Jupiter, Champion of Juno. He slayed the Trojan Sea Monster and defeated Krios by himself, and rose the ranks to Praetor. But, when you actually get to know him, he’s a enormous dork.

He’s actually a pretty powerful demigod, but doesn’t like to show it a lot for fear of intimidation. He has control of air pressure and can sort of sense the air patterns if that makes sense?? And he can create tornados!! Also it’s a major hc of mine that he can talk to birds and that birds (especially eagles) flock to him.

This bitch has terrible self-care. He’s always busy helping other people and planning temples that he just forgets to eat sometimes?? And also sleep too. The reason why he gets knocked out so easily is because he’s always tired as shit. Reyna has to drag him to bed and position of her dogs there so he doesn’t try to get up again.

SPEAKING OF REYNA, you cannot tell me these two are besties!! I mean rick like set their friendship up at the end of TLH and then forgot about it? They dated for little while when they were younger (not really serious) but then decided they’d be better off as friends. Jason definitely cried when they reunited. Just gimme platonic Jeyna pls.

He doesn’t like to cry that often? He has that Gifted Kid(tm) thing where he thinks his trauma isn’t that bad bc other people have had it worse. He doesn’t like to let out his emotions in a healthy way and bottles everything up until he becomes unresponsive.

When he gets into battle mode, he’s absolutely feral. I’m talking about sparks flying, rain falling, wind blowing in your face. It’s probably the being-raised-by-wolves thing.

He has like 0 self-esteem. His confidence really struggled with being held up as the son of Jupiter and trying to live up to those expectations. Also, he’s low-key suicidal, and thinks of himself as expendable.

His favorite type of weather is probably thunderstorms. Piper has found him just laying in the middle of one multiple times. It just fills him with calm.

His favorite place to visit in new Rome is the book store, run by a legacy of Providentia. He used to make trips there all the time with Dakota and Reyna to get information on mythology and just rant about special interests.

Speaking of which, his special interests are codes (and args in general), Roman history, and physics.

Juno and him have a... complicated relationship. He’s obviously a bit annoyed with her for stealing his memories, but she’s still his Patron and he respects her. Sometimes she pops in and checks if he’s eating or not.

((Also, he gets a bit high-key annoyed by Annabeth, who refuses to give Juno/Hera respect. He gets it, but still, she’s a goddess, one who is a bit temperate, but still has redeeming qualities))

At CHB, he spends a lot of his time either at Bunker Nine with Leo, or in the Zeus Cabin.

He’s actually a good artist somehow?? Like he sucks at drawing people but tell him to draw a bird or like, a tree, and boom. Bitch will give you a realistic drawing in 10 minutes flat.

He also draws really complex maps of CHB and new Rome. Annabeth flips her shit when she sees them.

He’s biromantic asexual. It’s funny because Reyna’s the same so they joke a lot about that.

He literally trips over his own feet. We Stan one clumsy bitch.

He looks messy, but in a cute/handsome kinda way. His hair is always ruffled by the winds, and his eyes are a bright sky blue. He has very subtle freckles that rest on his nose and around his cheeks.

His expression is mostly very serious. Pensive and soft, his smile’s always a little melancholy. He carries an air of sadness around him.

Around when he was 12/nearing 13, he found out who his mother was. She had just recently died in a car crash, he was very silent that week.

Surprising to no one, he’s a dog person. He always tries to get the wild wolves to come talk to him and gets super sad when Reyna’s dogs ignore him.

He has ADHD, Dyslexia, C-PTSD, GAD, and clinical depression.

He’s very hard on himself. Criticises himself to no end for simple mistakes and constantly apologizes.

He’s very touch-adverse. He only allows close friends from the fifth cohort, Reyna, Leo, and Piper touch him without explicit permission.

[downspiral]

* / BPD ( borderline personality damon )

lil talk about damon’s behaviour, emotional patterns and mental health! i’m categorising this as a headcanon for simplicity’s sake but this is all based on canon material, whether unintentional or not i do genuinely think he has it in canon and will sort of be elaborating on why that’s clear to me. as a disclaimer none of this is meant to excuse any of his behaviour and hopefully it won’t come off that way either, but bpd and its associated stigma is a personal topic to me, so please go in with sympathy and an open mind. under the cut bc this could get lengthy!

so to start off with i’ll just briefly explain borderline personality disorder (BPD) for people unfamiliar with it— it’s a mood disorder that has many associated symptoms with various mental illnesses like depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder, as well as substance issues, eating disorders and other personality disorders eg. antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder. it’s classed by four groups of symptoms:

emotional instability

disturbed patterns of thinking or perception

impulsive behaviour

intense but unstable relationships with others

( obviously this definition is too broad for any specific diagnosis, since everyone is different, and can’t be used alone to diagnose someone without ruling out other disorders and subjective opinion of a professional who knows enough about your behaviours to make an assessment, so from here on out i’m going to be drawing on my own experiences, and hopefully i’ll be able to articulate it in a way that makes sense, but please let me know if it doesn’t. )

***

the first and most glaringly obvious identifiers of this where damon is concerned in my opinion is a), his tendency to spiral very suddenly and abruptly after even minor triggers, such as failure, rejection or even just feeling insulted by someone he cares about, and b) his frequent impulsive behaviour, and what might be termed a lack of self-control in following those impulses - the first examples that come to mind would be his leaving for a road trip with katherine despite hating her, or killing jeremy because he was the first person he saw after feeling rejected by elena - and as he later admitted honestly, not knowing that it wouldn’t be permanent. 

so starting with a), his irrational spiralling — i’ll preface this by saying that in my own experience, my initial diagnosis where my therapist suggested BPD as a possibility was immediately after i told her that i felt my emotions were just more severe than most people’s, which is why i always felt i was overreacting to things, both bad and good, alternating with feelings of extreme numbness and dissociation which would follow immediately after as a coping method. bouncing between extremes of emotion is also something we see damon do constantly; not regarding the humanity switch detail and focusing solely on his ‘humanity-on’ behaviour, we still see him go between extremely cold, numb and uncaring (albeit often this is hidden behind deflection and humor) to deeply hurt, loving, and willing to make huge sacrifices for causes or for people. 

this is also a little muddled by the in-world lore of vampires having very heightened emotions. if you consider that damon already had BPD while a human, which is highly plausible given what we see of the decisions he made even then, then it follows that as a vampire those already-dysfunctional behaviours would be driven to extremes. this isn’t only obvious to the person watching; other characters comment on it constantly, e.g. almost any time katherine shows up, everyone immediately starts worrying if damon’s going to snap, having learned that the tiniest of things can send him into extreme behaviour, harmful to both himself - picking a fight with julian out in the open, described as having a death wish, and various suicide missions - and other people - e.g. attempting to kill jeremy and bonnie, despite it being abundantly clear that those two murders would make everything worse for him, and logically, make no sense, and serve no benefit to him. they were not thought-out decisions, not premeditated, and not something he would do in a sound state of mind, which is part of why they’re so painful to watch - they’re stupid, unjustified decisions, and seem irrational and disproportionate to whatever triggered him to make them. this also falls into the category of ‘lashing out’, something damon is frequently noted to do - often in the form of destroying or severing relationships, which may be done via simple purposeful negative interaction with someone, or doing more, genuine harm so that those relationships are ended regardless. 

this ties in both with the impulsive behaviour aspect, but also a comment elena once made which struck a huge chord with me as an identifier of BPD - she said he felt that everyone hated him, and in an attempt to face those perceptions or correct them as someone of sound mind would do, he instead tries to come to terms with the pain of that by making himself believe that they were right - ‘proving’ both to others and to himself that they were right to hate him, via doing bad things. while this particular incident was partially due to enzo’s influence and damon seeking approval from the only person he felt he could still get it from, he still had the agency to make that decision, and this wasn’t the only time where that behavioural pattern could be observed. 

the depth to which those thought processes go can sort of be seen when you consider season 8, where enzo and damon were both under the mind control of a siren, leaving only their subconscious with free will to resist. enzo’s instinct was to try and weave messages into the things that the siren had him do, knowing that bonnie would recognise them and be able to save him from doing more harm. on the other hand, damon’s instinct was to sever those relationships so completely that none of them would ever attempt to save him again, thus keeping them, in his eyes, out of harm’s way. 

i don’t wanna make this so long it’s unreadable so i’ll try and end it with this last point, which is that another symptom of BPD is latching on to one particular person - whoever might feel most significant to them at the time, whether a friend or romantic interest, though often those feelings can combine and become confused when that emotional connection is made (most obvious example being elena, who damon had a relatively good and stable friendship with, that seemingly functioned fine as it was, yet progressed into romance anyway and became destructive). when that said person is found, the intensity of your emotion leads to a usually unhealthy amount of attachment on your part - often leading to possessive, manipulative or even emotionally abusive elements of relationships that more often than not become toxic. this person becomes the sole way that you feel validation/love/approval/happiness, any good emotion at all - in a way, your brain compensates for previous and more significant traumas, e.g. parental abuse/neglect, by channelling all this emotion into the nearest outlet of love and acceptance you can find. as a result even the tiniest fraction of attention or approval from that person can completely brighten your mental state for weeks, while the tiniest perception of disapproval or neglect from them - note perception, this could be something as miniscule as a misunderstanding, a tone being read wrong in a text, a genuine mistake being interpreted as a deliberate attempt to separate - can be enough to drive you to suicidal ideation. 

obviously, whether it’s known to them or not, all this puts an unrealistic amount of expectation on the other person - one individual cannot possibly be responsible for the entire mental state of another, and will often - quite rightly - lead to the decision to end the relationship out of self-preservation. this is observed very frequently with damon’s close relationships; at some point, most of the people he’s been closest to have, with some degree of regret, been forced to write him off, because he puts too much strain on their own mental state. without significant effort to change on the part of the disordered person, sadly, this situation doesn’t usually have a resolution, because one’s own mental health is never the sole responsibility of others. it’s worth saying that most of these behaviours are done unintentionally and instinctively, as what seems the first logical conclusion in a brain that has been wired - physically, neurons and pathways in the brain have been grown by trauma that leads to those paths becoming the ‘right’ ones, rather than the healthy alternatives, which is usually what therapy’s end goal is - minimising the disordered pathways while reinforcing the positive ones, via practice of healthy behaviours and identifying bad thought processes so they can be stopped with the hope that those ones will take priority eventually. that being said, decisions that are motivated by and followed by, self-hatred, doesn’t excuse them from the harm they may cause other people. and it’s not fair - none of it is, because immediately what that situation seems to become is, ‘i didn’t ask to be this way, i don’t want to be harmful, but because i have been traumatised this is how i turned out, and now if i want healthy and good relationships, i have to work twice as hard against all my natural instincts just to ensure i come off as a person worth caring about’. 

this is getting a little off-topic, but to say - there is a stigma about BPD, often associated with emotional abuse and manipulation, and it’s too complex a topic to sum up in one paragraph, but the gist of it is that sadly in my experience there is truth to it. i feel as though my disorder increases the likelihood of me being harmful, which means i have to work twice as hard to stop it - things that seem like common sense, basic decency, human logic that comes naturally and as first instinct to many, have to be actively strived for by people with this particular disorder. so while failing to do so may happen more for those people, and thus lead to them coming off as a worse person, there is some explanation as to why - and of course that doesn’t mean excusing that behaviour, never! but, there is a grey area between ‘excusing and enabling unhealthy behaviour’ and ‘your disability grants you no leeway whatsoever’. there is a middle ground and it’s hard to find the right place to walk it, and probably differs for everyone, but for me that’s why damon is relatable, and why i think i have more tolerance for things that he’s done. 

i’ll just end this by saying that this is all one person’s experience of bpd and what i’ve observed from a few others i’ve known. i don’t speak for everyone with bpd, it’s not my call to make, mental disorder is overwhelmingly complex and hotly debated even in medical circles. but all that being said, i have recognised a lot of my own emotional experiences in damon’s and how the characters around him react to it (without the murder, obviously) and to me it is slightly more complex than ‘this is a shitty person’. thank you for reading all this if you did, it’s kind of hard to talk about, but hopefully for some this adds a little more insight into my portrayal and attachment to the character. 

[katalicz]

mmkay so I wasn’t actually expecting anyone to ask and I may have forgotten about it which is why it took so long, but anyway!! Cedrik!!

All we know about him is that he's Bandit’s twin, they joined bpol at the same time, and he was forced into an early retirement for reasons to do with Bandit’s CED. And we know that he would’ve thought the Rtila fun, so we can assume that he was a prankster too and that they were therefore friends at the very least. So, not to get too deep into things (bc I could go for a while and trust me, it's boring stuff lol), I'm gonna assume the timeline goes something along the lines of: Bandit gets trapped in Frankfurt and develops the CED1s (I imagine the name are a dumb joke - “I've finally got a CED to save my life hahaha”/”fuck off Dom I’ll slit you”), then Ced gets hurt, Bandit goes undercover, comes out (with enough terrible coping mechanisms to sink a ship) and eventually gets put on a team with the other 3 and then goes to Rainbow.

So. I imagine the two as those kinda guys that just cause chaos to entertain themselves, in an eternal game of one up manship, because twins, right? So they're pranking each other and irritating/amusing the rest of the base - at which point they're still in bpol, because Bandit doesn't join GSG, presumably, until he's about to go undercover. So it's probably like 2004/5, so they're late 20s. Ubi please give me a better timeline I'm having to guess way too much. And please take the word ‘so’ away from me because I’m using it way too much lmao sorry.

Anyway, so they're being dicks to each other, Bandit gets trapped, makes the CEDs, bla bla bla. Maybe Cedrik plays a trick on him that startles/scares him enough that he gets pissed off, maybe they're just that dramatic idk, both are possible. But Bandit retaliates with something bigger than usual. Maybe he uses the CEDs to trap Ced in a room by shocking the door handle, maybe it's the bedframe, who knows. But for it to cause something big enough to force Cedrik to retire, it's gotta either be one hell of a lot of voltage (like we're talking power line levels here, which you're not going to get out of a device that small so is therefore unrealistic), or there's gotta be a predisposed condition.

I'm a physics/biology nerd and studied this kinda thing a lot this year which is why I'm so intrigued so sorry about that lol. But basically, the nerves are just electric signals, right? There's a voltage and a membrane potential which alters with a stimulus to send signals, and these signals controls literally everything - like heart rate and volume and other fun stuff, which is why defibrillators are used to resusitate - not to restart the heart, but to shock it back into pumping at a regular rhythm so blood supply returns to normal and nothing goes into ischaemic shock. Introducing an outside voltage may have an impact, especially on the heart or brain, which can be massively multiplied if there's a preexisting condition - a weakness in a membrane or blood vessel, or a node that's not working properly, maybe a heart murmur, that kinda thing. If you apply the shock at exactly the right time, it could cause the heart to seize pumping or alter its rhythm, causing things like a heart failure or a stroke, or if it affects brain signals then maybe a seizure, all of which are more than enough to force someone into retiring from the forces, because if it happens once you're automatically at risk of it happening again and you're never going to recover back to your previous health.

So that's what I think happened - there was a weakness (and it only has to be tiny!) and the timing of the shock caused some kind of internal disruption resulting in a major medical issue. Was it an accident? Yes, because you cannot predict these things at all and can’t detect them unless your specifically looking for them, and the chances of them all happening in perfect alignment are exceedingly slim, but they're there. If it was on purpose, I'm pretty sure that a) Bandit would’ve been kicked out, not invited to the elite forces and b) he would've needed insane amount of power to do it, which just isn't feasible considering the size of the CEDs. It wouldn't have caused enough damage to be permanent unless he hooked it up to a generator, and besides, there's much more efficient ways he could've done it if his aim was to get rid of Cedrik (like shooting him in the back during training and calling it a mistake lol). And we've already established they were friends, so... Yeah. Very unlikely it was deliberate, it makes no sense at all. Also we can assume Bandit comes away from that whole thing with trauma - I imagine Cedrick hates him, his family punish him, the base avoid him, and he buries himself entirely in work and self loathing, bc same. That's another tale that I cba to tell because this is already LONG, and it'll come up in the big huge long fic that I'm planning fairly soon anyway. 

So yeah that's my take it’s nothing particularly thrilling and it got really long again I'm sorry I have no control over myself lol.

[arctic-urpo]

A..ALL of the oc asks for trolly?? ;v; they look so sweet and i couldnt narrow it down sakjdfh

!!! I presume you mean Tolly!! Thank you so much for asking about him, he’s my precious son and I’ve missed him

I’ll put this under a cut though bc this will get long x)

1. What is their favorite word

Hmm, I’m not sure he’d have one absolute favorite but I think he likes soft words, like ‘bubble’

2. How do they sleep

He has troubles sleeping and gets bothered by disturbances easily, so he wears that, what is it called, that blindfold-like thing to block out light, and earplugs etc. He sleeps better when he’s in company he finds safe, though.

3. Favorite companion

The closest friend he has is Will, and then of course he loves his eventually-to-be-boyfriend Neal :’) Both are his favorites, just in different ways!

4. What secrets do they keep, untold to anyone?

He’s really, really insecure about his body, he has freckles and moles all around his upper body and he’s chubby, both of which he tries to hide by wearing a lot of baggy clothes. (I wanna make clear that I don’t think these are “ugly” features at all personally but, he was bullied about these at one point and he has a really bad complex about being seen now)

5. How do they feel about magic

Huh… I think he finds it interesting and fun, he loves to read fiction and a lot of his favorite books include magic. I think if he played more games or trpgs he’d play mages (or clerics specifically if those are in the game). 

6. How do they feel about killing 

Bad!! Horrible!! Death is something he really mourns a lot, even with people he never knew, and he cannot comprehend killing someone…

7. How do they feel at night, in silence, all alone?

Lonely and scared. He doesn’t like darkness so he usually goes to sleep early. And while he is mostly introverted and has avoidant personality disorder and finds other people usually stressing, he also struggles with being alone a lot as well. So he’ll just listen to calming music and go to sleep before it gets too late.

8. Tell me about them in a modern AU

Well, he practically does live in modern world, perhaps a bit more advanced than ours. He’s currently a college student, he spends a lot of time hanging out with his friend group and often proofreads essays etc for his friends because he’s good at it (both writing them and editing them - everyone keeps getting surprised how strict he is proofing them when he’s usually kind and calm). He reads a lot of books and magazines on his free time and goes to therapy once a week… 

9. What is their favorite meal

Filled bell peppers! He usually makes them without any meat if he’s making them himself but he’ll eat them any way.

10. What guides them

A wish to be a good influence on the lives of others, which he hugely looks reference for from books and other sorts of fiction. He also wants to get better with his mental illness, and he has gotten really far from where he used to be.

11. What hinders them

His own inability to believe in himself, mostly. He wants to get better and understands kind of what he should do but, he just ends up always backing off because he can’t believe in himself.

12. Do they have hidden talents

As mentioned before, he’s really good with academic text, but that’s not so much ‘hidden’ talent as it is just his talent. He’s also pretty good at giving massages, which many don’t know. He also reads… really fast…. and he’s super fast at sorting. He’s also really good at comforting people, although he doesn’t realize it himself.

13. How do they carry themselves

Hmm… He mostly kind of keeps to himself and tries to take as little space as possible. He seems meek and, well, he is too. He tries to stay out of the way, seem small. He fiddles with his fingers a lot and has a bad posture. 

14. What are their vices

He has hard time gathering determination for anything and in turn loses it really quickly. He gives up on things and doesn’t usually try to pursue things even if they make him happy. He doesn’t say when things make him uncomfortable because he’s so afraid of causing any kind of conflict… In fact, he avoids anything that can lead to conflict, even if sometimes they are things he would need to do.

15. What was a turning point in their life

Meeting Will, probably. While they both struggle with their own mental illnesses, they’ve found a lot of comfort in their friendship and the strength to get better respectively. Will was the first one to know of Tolly’s struggles and he helped Tolly find friends.

16. Do they ascribe to any religion

He’s agnostic, for the most part. Religion is something that confuses him since, well, it’s not something easy to understand.

17. How do they react to trauma

Not well… He carries his trauma with him for long, finding it hard to let go of them. Every single hurtful word will haunt his thoughts for many, many years if not forever. He’s trying to learn not to mind them but, any wounds trauma has caused him always returns to echo in his thoughts.

18. What is their relationship to their parents

These days he has good relationship with them. In the past he had a lot of difficulties, his parents were distant and busy which partially caused his AvPD. They also used to be pretty conservative so he felt scared about coming out for a long time. Anyways once he finally got the courage to talk and start therapy, his relations have gotten a lot better, especially with his mother who is a psychiatrist and has actively tried to right the things she did wrong so far. His father is not that good at these things, but he tries his best.

19. Do they have siblings

He has an older sibling I haven’t yet defined that much, not even their gender identity;; All I know they’re a lot older than Tolly, something like 8-13 years older. They get along with Tolly but work in an another country so they don’t see a lot.

20. Tell me about their love interests

He gets crushes easily, so he has had a lot. He tends to get crushes on gentle and confident people (or at least people who seem confident, he can’t really recognize faked confidence). His current love interest who’ll in the story become his boyfriend is Neal! Neal is asexual, really calm and quiet and good at taking care of others. Tolly also did have a crush on Will but it didn’t really go anywhere.

21. What sexuality/gender suits them

Tolly is completely homosexual and a cisman!

22. Tell me about their body, are they tall, or smol

Tolly is pretty tall (if I remember correctly he was like 6′4″ - 193cm). As mentioned before, he has a chubby stomach but to the point that he can hide it with big clothes, mostly. His legs especially are long. 

23. What is their combat style and weapon of choice

I’m not sure if he’d ever get into combat… If there’s a possibility of magic then that is his choice, especially healing spells. He’d in any cases rather play support, and not hurt others.

24. Do they have any fears/phobias

Strangers, and other people in general. He’s mostly fine with people he has gotten to know and he has gotten better about this so he’s not constantly scared when he’s out somewhere with people, but he still can’t approach people and will avoid places with a lot of people. Also people yelling or being loud in general makes him uncomfortable. He’s afraid of being hated or being thought of as disgusting or gross and especially being called by those words. He is also really, really uncomfortable with sex scenes with a male-female couple.

25. Do they follow their instinct or hard facts

Mostly he goes by his emotions, so instinct. Logic he can approach well in studies etc, but when it comes to his own life and things that affect him, he goes by what his feelings say.

26. How do they cope with sorrow

He shrivels into his shell, isolates himself from others and cries alone a lot. He used to lock himself up in his room, would hardly sleep, and listen to a lot of music. He also ends up in the cycle of not eating and then binge-eating, repeating this again and again.

27. What makes them burst out laughing

Very few things, he doesn’t really show emotions that strongly. Laughing out loud would gather attention after all and his self-esteem gets in the way too and he feels stupid if he laughs loudly. If he’s at home and watching a comedy show alone or with close friends, he’ll laugh a lot though. Just, often it is quiet and muffled since he covers his mouth when he laughs.

28. Tell me about their grooming routine

He takes a shower every morning and makes sure to dry his hair soon after with a hairdryer. He also lotions his face daily and his body once a week. 

29. What makes them blush

Oh, gosh, many things. He blushes really easily, especially from either embarrassment or being flustered. Being complimented, mocked, making mistakes, seeing his crush, sometimes just talking with his friends… 

30. What makes them cry

Getting mocked or shamed for something, or in general feeling like he’s stupid or has embarrassed himself. He’ll also cry really easily at animal videos that are even a bit emotional

31. Tell me about their aesthetic

Books. A lot of books. Also winter clothes and snow, small and comfy apartments, pictures of the sky.

32. If they had a tumblr, what would they post 

He’d probably mostly use it to reblog things, like pictures he found pretty or things about the books he has read or series he has watched. Not really anything too involved, just nice looking things. Perhaps some occasional pictures of his life, especially study things :>

[authenticaussie]

Ahhhh, so I was told that you like Marvel stuff and that I was supposed to send you my Marvel AU asks. This is the only one that I can actually ever remember sending anyone, but M/S/A Marvel AU where those three are effectively Coulson, Clint and Natasha. Also Lunarshores said you like my stuff and I honestly cannot even cause I'm just like meep. Anyways, I hope you have an awesome rest of your day cause you deserve to! Also have fun with that thought. Also, what are your thoughts on Budapest?

Commissions! || Ko-fi! 

Welcome too: this ask is literally so old that it existed before we Became Friends. 

ANYWAY FUN TIME HEADCANONS BELOW THE CUT BC I CAN’T THINK OF FIC.

Sabo as the Coulson equivalent (SHIELD spy) and Ace as Widow and Marco is Hawkeye

Marco grew up in the Whitebeard circus and they were super close and really good and supported each other and were a b i t out there, just like performing people are wont to be, but they also….lived a good hundred years ago.

And Marco….just kept living. As his family started dying around him, as the years passed and he just stayed-

Marco can get hurt and has the scars to prove it, but he….he can’t die by anything like old age or sickness, and so he just keeps living. Keeps living as the circus starts to wither into obscurity, keeps living as the last traces of his family vanish like pieces of sand, keeps living and gaining skills and getting stronger and smarter but he can’t ever forget the feeling of watching his family die.  

He was a freelance head hunter/bounty hunter before SHIELD picked him up, and was bored and didn’t know what else to do, so just sighed and agreed to join them. They have a better pay rate, at least, and the healthcare is a nice bonus 

Sabo and Ace used to know each other as kids!! 

But Sabo forgot ;n; Sabo vanished and then Ace was found sneaking out of the facility that was training him and kept under better security. But one of Ace’s missions takes him to Luffy and he doesn’t look back. Grabs the kid he used to call brother and runs. 

And Sabo was the one who brought in Marco and got sent to tail Ace and see if they could convince him to join, because they were close in age, and Ace had killed almost everyone else who’d come after him and Luffy, but then this was Sabo, and he-

He hesitates (he’s never hesitated, before, in his line of work you can’t but this was-)

Ace being so cautious and quiet at first bc they bought in him and Luffy and Ace was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, for them to threaten Luffy to make Ace do something, but that just-

it doesn’t happen. 

It ends up making him Really Jumpy and Fidgety all the time until Marco starts Super Casually refusing orders and giving Ace outs and the ability to choose without any sort of punishments threatening him and letting Ace adjust to SHIELD at his own rate. 

Sabo has retrograde amnesia, and everything close to the explosion the red room (Ace’s institute) organised to kill him is basically gone, but he does have a few scattered memories of Luffy and some bits of Ace that are super blurred. They come back a bit, but that’s mainly because Luffy + Ace fill in the parts he’s missing

Sabo talks Ace through a lot of missions and Marco gets jealous (and denies it ofc, he doesn’t get jealous he’s an adult)

And he ends up casually bringing it up in conversation with Sabo and Sabo gets really startled because he didn’t think anyone had noticed, and then goes really quiet

“Ace- never had anyone on the comms. When he did- missions, before- no-one was there, helping him. I dunno, I guess I just- I just want him to know I’m there. That I won’t leave him to do it alone.”

And everyone thinks sabo will do a bad job because he’s so young, right? But he’s so tactical, he fights so hard to learn because he won’t ever let anyone else die under his command, he won’t let them get hurt, he’s lost people before because he was overconfident and arrogant and rude and he just wants to prove himself!!!

ALSO LOOK I KNOW IT’S A WEIRD SHIP BUT COBY IS CAPTAIN AMERICA AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT SABO AS COULSON WITH HIS Big Gay Crush AND IT’S KIND OF SUPER FUCKING ADORABLE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT BECAUSE COBY IS JUST SO NOBLE AND HEROIC AND KIND AND SABO’S IN THE BACKGROUND LIKE DYING AND ALSO LIKE “ACE, MARCO, IF YOU TRY AND SET ME UP WITH HIM ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH. I DON’T CARE HOW HIGHLY TRAINED YOU ARE, I’M GOING TO SLAUGHTER YOU.”

But Sab!!!!!!!! Also gets SUPER FUCKING FLUSTERED around Coby, because Coby was basically the original fucking revolutionary 

Basically it’s a Good Fucking Time okay ;u;

(P.S everyone Totally Flirts With Coby because he gets flustered super easily and is like 100% the stereotypes of Dorky Captain America ;u;)

Ace Totally huffs about it and fidgets a lot and is baaaaaaaasically a little envious of all the attention Sabo gives Coby by accident, but they eventually get over that when they’re dealing w/ Ace’s issues w/ self-confidence and it basically turns into the biggest running joke, and !!! Ace befriends Coby because COBY IS SO USELESS AROUND LUFFY!!!! AND ACE THINKS IT’S HILARIOUS!!! BECAUSE LUFFY IS OBLIVIOUS AS FUCK!!! 

MARCO GETS CONTROLLED BY LOKI

and his one rule, his one stipend to working with SHIELD is that he will never ever shoot someone with his bow and he requests missions where killing is avoided at all costs or if unavoidable than only against those of the worst calibre/situations of extreme danger, and Loki makes him break that

Robin (Director Fury) questions Marco’s loyalty for a moment when Marco turns on them and Sabo grabs the table so hard that it almost breaks in his hands and Ace doesn’t even say a word, just leaves. Koala has to quietly explain to her about Marco’s code, and how he’d never do this unless influenced by something else. 

Ace who loves the fact that Marco chose that. Marco chose to never kill, and SHIELD respects that, and Ace knows he doesn’t ever have to be forced to kill - to hurt - ever again. 

Ace talking to Loki to try and find out his plan / where Marco is and Loki only smiles and promises that Ace will find out where Marco is when Marco shoots him through the throat-

And Ace can’t help the fraction of a second where fear almost overwhelms him, because that-

That’s one of his greatest fears. 

That Marco is going to realise how awful Ace is, and  get rid of him. Clear out the mistake he made. 

Ace hiding the fear he feels because he’s been trained and he knows how to do this, he has to figure out what Loki’s plan (he has to save Marco. He has to prove that he was worth it)

ACE LOVING MARCO SO MUCH BUT REFUSING TO SAY IT????? NOT EVEN REALLY REALISING WHAT HE FEELS IS LOVE BUT KNOWING HE’D LAY DOWN EVERYTHING FOR MARCO, IF MARCO NEEDED IT. IF MARCO ASKED IT OF HIM.

When they’re fighting, when Marco’s still under Loki’s control, Marco just whispers so carefully, so pleadingly, for Ace to stop and he almost does because this is Marco-

And then the to-vibrant blue of Marco’s usually dark eyes gives him away and Ace knocks him out and has to swallow the nausea that caused him

(And least Marco will be okay, he thinks, but can’t drive away the thought of Marco’s pleading expression, Marco begging him to stop)

Ace refusing to say that he loves either Sabo or Marco because he’s just- 

He doesn’t think he is in love with them, Love is bright and vibrant and fluttery, messy, nervous feelings, he just feels-

Comfortable. Around them he just feels comfortable 

(That’s not love, right? That’s not-)

and look okay you know what isn’t a good time???

Sabo dying

(or, at least, mar+ace thinking he’s dead ala Coulson)

Ace regretting that he’d never told Sabo how important he was, never telling Sabo how much he meant, and when they get a spare moment he pulls Marco aside and tells Marco that he loves the fuck out of him and Marco’s his best friend and he’d basically do anything??? for Marco???

And it helps Marco as well because he’s suffering some serious trauma from being forced to fucking kill people when he didn’t want to, from being forced to kill innocent men and women who were trying to protect others, from having to fight and manipulate Ace……

whispers marco and ace not. doing anything abt ace’s confession, tho. it’s there, and they both know it, but Marco wants to get better first, and Ace wants time to mourn the fact that for the second time in his life he’s lost his best friend.

And theyre toooootally not dating

even though they move all of marco’s stuff into ace’s room. and have date nights. and marco presses kisses to ace’s forehead whenever ace leans on him (which is often). and ace curls up into marco’s side when they’re sitting on the couch. and they defs don’t hold hands, or press quick kisses to each other’s cheeks just before one of them has to leave on a mission without the other

Totally not dating.

Totally

Not

Dating

And then just when they think everything is going back to normal, when there’s been two years of dealing with grief and pain and growing closer and supporting each other even more intimately than before-

Ace thinks he sees Sabo. For a fraction of a second, on one of their missions, and he barely believes that it is him-

But there’s a moment of surprise and regret on the stranger’s face, and Ace knows it’s him.

SHIELD fixed Sabo with some of Captain America/Coby’s blood and he’s alive but he’s different now. He’s stronger and faster and he just-

notices things. 

Notices how Marco’s fingertips linger on Ace’s hand but Ace doesn’t act like anything is out of the ordinary. Notices how Marco looks like he’s about to kiss Ace before a mission but aborts it at the last second and hides his promise to return in the crook of Ace’s neck. 

Sabo who goes on solo missions because no-one thinks he’s alive and he’s highly-trained and now he’s got super soldier serum in his veins…But he’s there the moment they need him but he’s unable to look at marco and ace 

Looking at how close they are and just realising what he’s missed. Quietly letting them he supported them and cared about them and was sorry in as many ways as he could - through cards, through care, through always having their backs, through trying constantly to protect them, because he could now, in real life instead of just directing them while he sat behind a computer screen. 

(#tfw you can’t figure out who is who in a marvel au bc all the charas are assholes/morally grey)

Carrot is Thor!!!! and Detective Fury is Robin and Maria Hill is Koala

Ace gets confused by language metaphors sometimes!!! But he won’t say it because he hates being seen as weak, or that anything needs to be explained to him. He has to be perfect and in control and mysterious all the time, no-one can know that puns confuse him. 

(Sabo+Marco totally figure it out and always casually explain the joke/idiom so that Ace isn’t left out of the loop, and even when he figures out they’re doing it he can’t ask them to stop.)

They both know how much he hates feeling/looking weak or stupid, and they do!!! everything they can to make sure he doesn’t feel like that,,,,,,,,,,