#i wouldnt give a shit if it was a college class but this is a class on my highschool transcript. youre literally being paid to teach 17-

[hiroshotreplica]

my english teacher recommending us to use ai so much is making me hate everything. what do you mean you want us to use ai to check our papers and generate ideas. arent you supposed to teach us how to fucking do that? not tell us to rely on ai to do it for us? hate the world

[shivasdarknight]

#THANK YOOOOU#also re literacy: we learn he wrote reports in the moogle tribe quests#and his vocabulary and dialect is more ''posh'' Ishgardian than it is country or Brume#he's not stupid he's not any of that stuff#he's just not super gabby and I imagine he's feeling awkward around all the academic Scions#he chimes in plenty anyway often with a more practical or intuitive view#(and he's autistic coded to me so that's part of the selective socializing in my eyes)

YES EXACTLY. YOU GET ME.

I only brought up the "we don't fully know" mostly because of specifics like what level of functional reading vs functional writing, but that mention of the reports is another thing people completely skip over: the Azure Dragoon wasn't just...whoever killed dragons the best. Their role within the Knights Dragoon was that of the top commander, which meant organizational skills, reports, etc. Estinien was effectively in a similar position to Aymeric, just exclusively within the Knights Dragoon compared to the wider Temple Knights and Ishgardian military. That's a big fucking deal!

But back on literacy, that point exactly. He's still got the mid-upper class Ishgardian speak compared to how they write Brumites or rural people regardless of where they're from. He speaks like his adoptive father, who - as an aside - is a minor Lord, because House Bale is a minor house thus Alberic is still nobility to an extent. Meaning Estinien wouldn't be escaping stuff to do with reading or writing; he's just stuck with the frustrating thing of potentially a later in life learning. It's still very likely that he knew how to read even prior to being taken in by Alberic, as reading was a more common skill than writing (we just link the two together these days and take it for granted). He may have also had rudimentary writing skills, but that's something we do not really fully know - kids in xiv tend to talk about "learning their letters" if they're from places like upper Ishgard compared to places like rural La Noscea, which is where I'm basing this thought from. Regardless, a shift from farm kid, to troubled teen being raised by a guy from a minor house, to an adult and fairly high ranking officer with Lots of paperwork is a fairly drastic shift. And if you aren't used to something like, I dunno, writing? It's physically painful.

This is again something we take for granted because writing is taught pretty early on, but scribes were a legitimate profession due to it not being a common skill. Writing was a separate skill from reading, so many people hired scribes. Additional and related piece of information: writing is such a physically intensive task that the bones of scribes are physically warped compared to people who didn't write whatsoever. The action has your tendons create new connection points in your phalanges, and actually elongates them over time for more surface to grab onto. So if you're a late learner, that's more painful. If you didn't write a lot and now suddenly have a large workload, that is also going to be very physically painful. I see a lot of interpretations of "Estinien doesn't send letters" as him being illiterate or a dickhead, but I don't think that's really fair to him. Now, I do personally write him as someone who now avoids writing when possible due to how much it does hurt, but even with that he's not illiterate! He definitely reads, he can definitely write - it's just looking to his circumstances and trying to figure out something that makes sense within my writing.

I derailed a lot there, but it's absolutely that point about what group he's in now: he's the odd one out, and really only able to relate to the WoL and kind of Thancred - otherwise, he's at a loss. He's not one to hang out in groups anyways, but a group of scholars is beyond anything he would seek out. He can't contribute much to conversation and debate, so why bother speaking when the others are more valuable in that task? He sees himself as being more useful when it concerns action, and this is shown countless times as the one to actually act instead of standing around theorizing. He knows what to say and when, he knows when to act or went to talk - he just talks when he's not intruding on more important matters. He's very opinionated, he just doesn't try and intrude?? Action over theorizing, and chatting for when there isn't anything to do.

And hey!! Similar brain! I'm sure I'm slipping autistic stuff in there w/o fully realizing it, but I'm very intentionally writing him as ADHD as so much of his actions post hvw scream RSD. Which just makes it more important with regards to how I write him to not portray him as stupid or illiterate with that intentional inclusion of ADHD (and probably also autism). The guy's not dumb, he just doesn't think or act the same way that the Scions do. He's at his most chatty when its one-on-one, and he's at his most curt and quiet when there's stuff going on within a large group. None of that means super quiet, curt or even dumb ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

one of the things that gets me about fanon lens - especially when you entrench yourself so much in a fan version of a character - is how a character can just slowly be stripped of what they are and who they are because of the self referential nature of fanworks (which isn't inherently bad, don't misunderstand; neglected characters can have new life breathed into them)

which is a long way of getting to: where did people get the idea that estinien's not one to talk, or is bad at effectively talking? I don't mean selectively mute hcs, i mean just very curt. like he's not as flowery as many of the scions or even compared to aymeric, but he's still dramatic and talks a lot. he's precise when he needs to be and extremely blunt, but just because of that doesn't mean he won't ramble

like his whole tangent about where he is today because of the wol right before the Dead Ends in Ultima Thule. his chattiness seems to fluctuate with how comfortable he is with someone, so i'm not really sure where "estinien's bad with words" came from?

he's no politician, but he's good at saying what needs to be said and saying it in a way that matters. yes, there is the whole aymeric thing but avoiding a difficult conversation rooted in guilt isn't the same as being bad at talking. he clearly knows how to get to people - especially to antagonize them into action (see: tiamat, azdaja) - so where did this come from?

[billshxsband]

can you do 2011 tom and hes your college professor and the reader hates him, she walks into class with a short skirt and he doesnt allow the skirt in class so he takes the reader to detention and hes there and you are the only two there

(have a blessed day :D)

OFC SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY I WAS HAVING A BAD DAY YESTERDAY 😭🙏

Im assuming its smut so im sorry if its not 😔❤️

(P in v, hair pulling, a bit of degrading!!)

————————————————————————

Another day with this annoying teacher, i will admit he may be cute but i do not like him. Every girl is obsessed with him i don’t understand what they see in him..

I decided to wear something kinda showing today, just to piss him off i guess, didnt go as i expected it to..

“Y/n.. that skirt is way too short.” He pointed me out again. “You’ll survive. Whyre you looking anyway?” He immediately looked away, a bit flustered.

“Whatever, i need you to stay after class we have to talk about your grades.” Theres nothing wrong with my grades.. i get As and Bs, Ds at worst but nothing under!?

Eventually class ended and we walked over to my desk, everyone had already left. “Why would you wear that, do you know how distracting that can be for some people?” He asked. “So what? If they fail they fail. They can keep their eyes to themselves and their own work!”

“Wanna keep giving me attitude? I will say it wont end well. I suggest  you stop, now.” Was he trying to scare me? If so it was not working at all. I ignored his warning and rolled my eyes, then he grabbed my face making me look at him. Ok.. was not expecting that ill admit..

“Did i not just tell you to stop? Do i have to punish you?”

“I dont know, do you?” I gave him a small smirk, he sat down in a chair and pulled me onto his lap. “Do i?” He made me look down at him.

It was kinda hot not gonna lie.. he grabbed my hand and placed it onto his crotch. Fuck i didnt know he meant this.. im not complaining tho..

“Wait mr kaul-“ he immediately interrupted me with a kiss, which then turned into a makeout..

Eventually he bent me over the desk. “G’na fuck you dumb.. cant listen then ill teach you.” He pushed my skirt up, moving my panties to the side and unzipping his pants.

“You on the pill?”

“Yes..”

“Perfect.”

He took off his boxers and without a warning rammed his dick into my cunt. “Shit! No warning!?” “I warned you didnt i? I told you it wouldnt be good, now shut the fuck up before someone hears us.”

He started pounding into me, not gentle at all. He grabbed my hips, slightly digging his nails into them. “Fuck.. so tight..” he grabbed my hair, pulling it slightly so he could see my face, i was a moaning mess.

He slapped my ass roughly. “I told you to shut up didnt i!?” “I-i can-t.. t’much.. ugh mmhhh!..”

“You’ll survive.. im almost there.. shit.. g’na cum in this tight little pussy..”

He started rubbing my clit fastly, my legs starting to shake as i came on his cock. He kept thrusting, overstimulating me. “P-please i cant! It hur-rts..!”

He slammed in one more time, coating my insides with his cum. He then pulled out, shoving the cum back in with two fingers, wiping my cunt and his dick with some tissues.

“Now go to your next class. You should listen to me more often if you don’t want that again.”

I nodded.

Well.. looks like i wont be listening any time soon..

[magnuscomedybracket]

Quarterfinals Match 3

034 Anatomy Class vs. 131 Flesh

Propaganda under the cut!

034 Anatomy Class

The delivery. The teacher going crazy because students asking questions.

#fear beings who want to know more about the human body and decide to go to college about it (via @/the-goose-caboose)

#all those “students” had like. sneak 100 surely their behavior was completely unsuspicious lmao #and at the end theyre genuinely just like “hey thanks for teaching us about the insides” and the teacher's just completely traumatized (via @/silverywillowtree)

131 Flesh

so the episode starts with jonathan IDIOT sims of the FUCKERY INSTITUTE deciding you know... to get into the torture coffin i need to have a connection up here on the surface so i can find my way out... so, obviously, youre like awwwhh is this the moment he realizes he needs martin and saves him from the lonelt❤️❤️❤️ does he have a heartwarming connection w his coworkers and realize he needs his friends and cant just do everything alone❤️❤️❤️ and then that fool, that absolute bastard, that CIRCUS of a MAN goes. i nees physical pain AND THEN TRIES TO CHOP HIS FINGER OFF FOR FIVE MINUTES WHILE THE EYES GOIN hey ! hey stop ! hey ahahhaha stop what are you doing hey ahahah you need your finger hey stop doing that !! and regeneratjng his finger and then goes damn this wont work... IM GOING TO REMOVE ONE OF MY RIBS ! :D and then he goes to find JARED BONETURNER HOPWORTJ who yk has KILLED PEOPLE which helen just had IN HER DOORS, YK, FOR FUNZIEZ !! ands like heeey can u remove my rib bbggg hahahahaha ;] and even JAREDS like what the Fuck. then sure ! if u let me out of the DOORS ! then jons like hey btw :3 can i have ur statement :3 and jareds like yah sure if u give me another rib, and jon, jonathan fucking sims. AGREES ! that is like the equivalent of tradinf a rib for a burrito. so jared gives jon his statement and. SURPRISE ! its shit and unhelpful. and now jon has two less ribs, THEN jareds likd yoooo ur rib feels weird as hell and then helen promptly dumps jared into the nearest river. and rhe entire timd tou cannot make out SHIT of what jareds saying i wouldnt be surprised if you told me that guy was speaking in TONGUES. but oh wait ! it gets better ! elias fuckdd up and thd apocalypse wouldve at LEAST been delayed if jon DIDNT take his ribs out. BUT OH WAIT ! IT GETS EVEN BETTER ! later in the gardner jareds like hey ur ribs weird take it back i dont want if anymore it feels weird and then jon fucking smitss him [why the fuck does his rib feel weird btw..does hd have rib eyes? would that mean hd has eyes on all his bones? organs too??? id likd to think so.] *bows* thank you ! thank you !

#flesh is so funny I love melanie in that episode #she’s so pissed off and done with jon #idiot can’t even cut off his finger right :/ god jon you useless piece of shit come with me I know a guy (via @/backslashmagpie)

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas!!

im gonna rant at you for a bit if you dont mind :)

Im a minor that lives in a super tight night, close minded community. Super religious, super homophobic transphobic ect. Seeing as im a teenage girl whose questioning their gender and is definitely attracted to women thats kinda problematic lols. Honestly idek how to explain the situation without a bunch of details, but basically, theres a fifty-fifty chance of me being sent to conversion therapy or just cut off from any internet access (and i mean ANY. i have a flip phone for fucks sake.)if my fam finds out im queer, i have no support system outside of some internet friends who know nothing about my situation, and within the next few years(so like once i turn 20ish, thats in like 4 years but whatever) my family is going to expect me to get married to a man and start popping out babies asap. Btw thats whats expected of me in this community, marriage under the age of 25, have like as many kids as physically possible and god forbid higher education. And im not okay with that . Ffs i want to go to college, major in fine arts, meet a person i like and fall desperately in love or maybe not just have a bunch of close platonic relationships i want cats and a dog and a cute studio in a big city where i can dye my hair whatever color i want aand get an obsene amount of piercings, i want to wear pants!! I just want to live. Without expectations or limits or people who love me hating everything they dont know about me. Is that truly so much to ask for?

And im incredibly dramatic cuz i literally have the dream life. My family loves me, my parents are upper middle class, theyve never hurt me before(besides for all the anti everything rants haha) i literally have a full sized bed, which for some reason i see as the peak of being spoiled idk why. I go to school, not even public, a private religious school that prob costs thousands of dollars, i have friends(who are all part of this community btw and id bet my entire savings that most of them think gay is only a word that ppl use to mean happy lol) close ones even!! I have adorable neices and nephews(my 3 sisters all were married by the age of 20, so i have 11 niecesand nephews while my oldest sister is 31) im living the dream life. But i hate it and i have no way out. No hope of college to get on my feet and find someway out, no people that'll help me fucking run away or some bullshit like that, hell ive considered it and then felt like shit, cuz what am i even running from? Im probably attracted to men it wont kill me to marry one. And i like kids, i wouldnt mind having any either. But.... i dont want to be trapped anymore. Cuz ill be honest thats what i am.if some one asked me to run away with them rn i would, no hesitation.

God im a mess😭😭 anyway this was me ranting in my notes app, im just apologizing for dumping this on a complete stranger(we're moots actually!!) albeit a very kind one :) i dont know what im looking for, but ill take whatever your comfortable giving ig.

I love and appreciate you<333

And hey this has been oddly cathartic so lmk if its okay for me to do this again sometime :))

"im living the dream life. But i hate it and i have no way out."

Hon, you're not living the dream life...there's a difference between financial privilege and being happy, you know? It's pretty clear that this isn't what you want.

I'm not sure if you're asking for my advice here, or if you just want to vent. But I care about you, and if you want me to research some things to try to help you, I'm more than willing to (that way it's not on your search history.) Just say the word!

Until then, you are ALWAYS allowed to vent to me.

I'm naming you venting anon in case you write again!

[pottedfairies]

that post asking what we do outside of tumblr reminded me of the prof i had last semester that was like. what do u wanna do after u graduate. and i said teach. and she was like. teach what! and i was like. idc. and she was like. but ur a crwt mfa! wouldnt u be happier teaching crwt? and i was like maam i actually don’t give a shit. i want a job that lets me eat. and she was like. u don’t want to teach fiction? and i was like. well yes—AND THEN SHE INTERRUPTED ME like she got her point across. like of COURSE i have a goal. but i was GOINGGGG to say. yeah i wanna teach fiction but theres little money in it and actually im quite content teaching college level essay composition rn like im chillin idgaf bc my current load as a TA pays my rent. i actually do not have a goal beyond that. none of us in that class did. she was just so insane honestly. AND SHELTERED. uc berkeley mfa graduate ass. shes never had a job outside of academia and it Shows

[lilylamps]

mayumi angst/angst ideas but it’s not rlly coherent cuz a lot of it is outta order(tbh when is it even coherent):

tw ig for mentions of suicide and death??? (but i don’t write it as emotional or anything im just yapping)

also this isn’t proofread and i was delirious while writing it sooo sorry not sorry if it’s written stupid

-OKAY SO IN MY OPINION OF HER TRAUMAA shes very mitski coded as in like parental issues and age regression (IK THATS NOT THE CORRECT TERM (at least im pretty sure its not??? idk) BUT SINCE SHE WAS A KID SHES HAD TO ACT AND BE LIKE AN ADULT/MOM FOR HER SIBLINGS BECAUSE HER PARENTS WERE ALWAYS BUSY AND SHE HAD LIKE THE MAJORITY OF HER CHILDHOOD TAKEN FROM HER ESPECIALLY SINCE MAJORITY OF HER CARETAKERS ARE DECEASED SO SHE HAD TO TAKE CARE IF HER SIBLINGS ALONE) point is that she was forced to be an adult at her tween years and emotionally she’s still a child (im bad w words guys idk how to explain it)

- anywaysss to try and explain what i’m fucking on abt here r the lyrics:

(im crying????)

- but yeah the jist is she had her childhood stripped from her BOOOO 👎👎👎👎👎

- THIS IS WHY SHES SO FUCKING EMOTIONALLLL SHES EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED GUYS

- she’s also class of 2013 coded im just saying yall she just wants her mama even tho she was neglected

- SHE JUST WANTS PARENTAL LOVE GUYS

- but yes she’s also very class of 2013 coded:

- like even tho her mom like unalived herself, she still visits her grave out of respect and because she misses and loves her even tho she was neglected 2x (she values her family above anything else tbh)

- she constantly pines (???) for her childhood, wishing her parents would’ve stayed yk ALIVE DUH and would constantly wonder what it would be like if her parents actually parented 🧍🏽‍♀️

- also she had to give up everything she wanted to be so she could take care of her siblings full time and also be sea spider and also go to college (not sure if im actually gonna keep her in college tho so i might change that part of her lore, because idk how you can do all of that full time tbh IM NOT JN COLLEGE SO I WOULDNT KNOW)

- i think if i were to take her out of college, i’d think she do it to take care of her siblings, AND THATS WHY THE LINE “i’ll leave what im chasing for the other girls to pursue” (other girls meaning as in her family in general) BECAUSE SHES LEAVING ALL HER DREAMS BEHIND SO SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HER FAMILYYYY and all she wants is for her siblings to be happy and successful so they don’t end up like her 🥲🥲 ITS GIVING IMMIGRANT MOTHERRR🔥🔥🔥

- also im thinking abt making her 16 yr old self walking in in her mom post unaliving herself cuz THATD be traumaaa

- my girl is STRESSED 24/7 365 but holy shit somehow she manages to stay positive all the time (it’s her siblings she loves them) and she’s constantly pretending that she’s all good and can handle it, being positive for her friends and siblings

- but her siblings like KNOW her and how she is even though she always tries to hide it, so they always try to make her life easier

- especially manny cuz dawg is very megumi coded (for my jjk fans out there), even though he doesn’t speak majority of the time he’s always trying to take care of her urgrhyrgr he’s cares abt her a lot

- also ime but she’s more silly than anything 😭😭 love herr sm 👹👹

- but Mayumi always tries to protect her siblings from the trauma she’s experienced, like w family deaths and stuff cuz she never wants them to go through what she’s going through

do you guys even care

do you guys even care abt my shitty hcs

DO YOU GUYS EVEN CARE ABT THEM AS MUCH AS J DO DAWG

DO YOU EVEN CAREEEEE

anyways good god thanks for listening to my rambles that never make sense

I APPRECIATE YOU SEAPUNK NATION 🔥🔥🔥

[fapper]

seconding what anon said about loneliness... i get it i was like you in my first 2 years of college, maybe worse.. i almost never left my room, i was depressed, reclusive, failing my classes, not in any clubs, never socialised, terrible relationship w profs. it escalated to a crisis where suddenly i had to choose btwn being "normal" (not saying weird shit that only i find funny, trying to fit in, suppressing my real introverted hater self all of which basically meant not being autistic lol) and being Happy... i chose being happy n #authentic #free #real. now i have a small circle of friends, doing only the things i like, going outside bc i like doing things by myself. got better at homework n attendance, participated in class, stuck to hobbies which made me feel accomplished, started looking for opportunities to feel fulfilled (internships, mini personal projects, going out of my way to meet friends i cherished and who i knew cherished me, saying Yes to things i wouldnt otherwise do just to challenge myself). im a senior now and obviously things arent perfect but theyre better. And when i look at you, like i look at my younger self, i have the greatest sympathy bc i know you will grow into yourself. this is just the hard part of not giving up. TLDR be with people YOU like, do things YOU like, and have faith in yourself. Easier said than done but i believe in you fr.

REAL SHIT 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 ON TOP 👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆 dude let us prayyyy i find the right ppl on this campus, everyones such a loser like all they do is study meanwhile im trying to procrastinate in peace 😭 and im gonna take ur advice on neing with people I LIKE, bc i rlly dont rock with anyone omg…im gonna keep doing me just like how i yelled out my answer while answering on of these anons while my roommate was trying to sleep LMFAO… lord knows that bitch does worse to me every single fucking morning Inshallah we will get through this dark period of time

[kittysyrup]

mole game 2

today is febrary fifth

rewriting this because the discard button really seemed intriguing to me like 10 minutes ago i dont know what came over me. I had gotten like so much more then i thought i would yesterday. you actually get super powers in learning when ur actively putting off a college paper.

I be recording bits and pieces of the process of putting it all together idk how much i want to describe in detail, it really takes alot of time to say it all.

I did finally open up that unity program and make a cube, hard part was makin it move

I decided i was gonna use the new unity input system module thing, idk shiny new thing obviously better, no way it isnt, then it like wouldnt be new and i wouldnt be using it.

funny thing is that i spent 30 minutes tryna optimize code and shit because i thought i messed up and was laggin my game, but the like context menu for the player input module just straight up lags the game look at this

i was usin the character controller module to setup the movement and i was tryna use the SimpleMove() function, which should've just taken raw inputs and added gravity, which should've been fine for my game since i don't need a jump and the character wouldn't need to be affected by physics. However it seems like that function is kinda awful, like it doesn't seem to work with Time.deltaTime or have a built in clock, so its all studdery and gets faster when at lower framerates, which i was able to test with my trusty player input context menu lol

yeah but then i just kinda rewrote it in the Move() function and manually just did the funny "+ Physics.gravity" and it just kinda works

void Update(){

characterController.Move((moveVector * moveSpeed + Physics.gravity) * Time.deltaTime);

}

public void Move(InputAction.CallbackContext moveAmount){

vectorBeforeTranslation = moveAmount.ReadValue<Vector2>();

moveVector.Set(vectorBeforeTranslation.x, 0, vectorBeforeTranslation.y);

}

so yeah this is all u need for a character controller folks i hope this helped and i hope someone bullies me for this at some point moveVector is a Vector3 and vectorBeforeTranslation is a Vector2 declared empty earlier in the class.

Now then was to make the character rotate, idk i kinda did it but not really but like hey look holy shit the cube is moving

i like couldnt figure out how make a transition so that the rotation looked clean so i kinda threw out that code

so i guess i just decided that i would work on making the character face my mouse, this was a travesty

a mixture of deciphering how to grab the mouse position from the input system garbage and deciphering how to convert it into real coordinates in the actual game

its like difficult finding any material for understanding quaternions on like a programming or unity level, like i dont actually need to know quaternions just show me where to plug the variables, it seems like the internet is deadset on giving me alternatives so that i never have to touch it so i ended up using the LookAt() function and inserted the mouse position which like semi worked

it made it look towards the ground which was goofy, but also i fixed this by just pretending like the y axis of the mouse position was the same as the character :^)

thats about all i achieved, i spent a long time tryna make a sort of transition for the rotation of the character for like some game feel or something, but idk i can do that later.

i think the next big thing is to work on terrain and how its gonna be destroyed, im lookin into like how to variably change like the vertices and stuff on a mesh, not looking to win any rewards, just dont wanna end up using blocks or somethin stupid for the rocks and shit.

I also gotta research alot into shaders for how i want the insides of the tunnels you would be creating would be.

seems like this would be the stage that would cause burnout since I'm not really sure where to go on from here but i guess ill just learn more about the engine and come back at another day.

one thing to note is that I tried to make my code like modular so i can use them again at a later date, thats probably a fairly good idea, always thought it was weird how much people online tell you to split up ur code and nonsense but dont tell you how they personally do it or like explain how ur supposed to come up with your own system on ur own projects.

hoping seeing so many nonsense libraries and doin so much damn math in my head doesn't rob me of my personality

[sadshitonmain]

DICEY I S DRUNK

Needdd to write my note before i ctb in a week ish so

Fuck u mom how dare you fucking give up on me. Picking new family and popping out kids like a goddamn pez dispenzer instead of like faking interest in shit i actully enjoy for five mins.

Same goes for dad but extra FUCK you for never visiting when you had the chance and extra extra fuck you for getting sick and losing what little ego you had left so you dont even recognize me anymore. Asshole move.

FUCK YOU EMILY GOD FUCK I LOVED YOU AND I ONLY FUCKING LEFT BC I KNEW I COULDNT STAY AWAY IF YOU EVER CALLED BACK AND IM STILL WAITING FOR IT 6 GODDAMN YEARS LATER. Im sorry too. I wish I'd had the help i needed before we tried to run away. I wish my wife coulda seen me at my best instead of my worst and ill never stop dreaming of a world where at least you're happy -even if itsone without me, Bc as far as i know you're probably dead and its all my fault. It never got better for me but at least im in control and hot now.

I'm sorry Sebastian. JP and FL and Kitsu. For my own good i shoulda stayed out of it. But at least i tried unlike you idiots. At least you had only one dead kid that year, if not for me there'd be two so fuck you. I just wanted to do some good for all my fuckups and i couldnt stand the idwa of another dead qu*er child. I miss you all, I hope missing me eats you alive.

To my new friends.

Skye, plz dont beat urself up over this one,.its my choice. Im not the same as her and you couldnt chamge anything, you just got caught in the crossfire.

Maddy, be smart be safe be yourself. Fuck someone and chase that femboy.

Thylia.. fuck you're the first real person ive met in a decade. I wish id met you sooner. Be strong.

Pip. Make a goddamn choice girl. Either be yourself or play it safe and be miserable. This life is hell and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. You still have a future, just be smart about it. Finish college, chase your passions. Transition quietly, practice looking how you want and move far the fuck away when its safe. Everyone goes through an ugly phase and thats fine. And seriously SERIOUSLY, just chill the fuck out and go with the flow.

No one else is worth mentioning. You all betrayed me. You all said id be nothing but a burnt out worthless fag and then you made that reality not me. I hate you all for it. Hopefully these bottles do me in.

Emi.. Alex.. whatever you go by now, howdy stranger. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry my ideas abt love and passion and loyalty were so fucked up.. it really was how i was raised and it still really was my fault. There isnt a day that goes by i dont wonder what would have happened had i stuck around for a few more days and let us both cool off. I was completely obsessed and jealous and who could really blame me, I clung to that stupid dream for dear fucking life for years and when i finally had the chance the world literally came crashing down around us. If not for covid, if not for SPDs fucking power trip, if not for how i was raised if not for how broken i was if I had just listened to you and respected you fuck our dream could have come true. I love you. I'll never love anyone else, I've always loved you since the day you were quietly introduced and sat in Mr. Baker's class across the room all those years ago. I knew then and I know now 14 years later that you were always my better half.

I hope eternity is real, I hope I suffer for it. This shitty trailer has been my exile for 4 years and in a week it will be my tomb.

In truth if id had any courage at all id have ended it a long time ago, but im a total goddamn coward even piss drunk on a work night. Im still praying you'll save me but i know it wont happen, it cant happen. I'll never change, I'll always be the crazy ex, always be another person that abused your trust and chased you across the city we were supposed to grow old in. I hate everything i was, and everything i had to be to survive and everything i am now. I don't blame you, i don't even hate you.

You were always right.

I still love you.

Dicey,

(Formerly Lusy, formerly Lyrah)

Fuck you all, i give up

[theuniverseawakens347]

CHEMISTRY TEACHER … yeah girl THE WHOLE CLASS SHOULD HAVE FAILED YOU WAS DOING MAGIC ON THEM GRADES CAUSE BABRELY ANYONE RETAINED ANYTHING OFF THEM AP TESTS .. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.. AT MICHELL LEDESMA AND KENNEDY LAUGHING CAUSE I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO CALL HER OUT AND SAY WHAT THE WHOLE CLASS WAS THINKING

“Miss you lead the class”..

So again YOU ALL WORK FOR OR ARE HIRED OR OWNED BY LEE HOWARD NUGARLINGTON… SO ITS LIKE YOU KNEW SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT ABOUT ME .. KIROLA MISTER ANDERSON .. wanted to fuck but got in trouble … cheese it you telecommunicated to bring you snacks I did .. I read your mind for desk sex.. HAPPENED MENTALLY.. at scared when we matched on tinder but WANTED TOO SAME W SEEING ME WORK AT PANTAGES WICKET MERCH SHOP … AND THE ART TEACH MARTIN…YOU WOULDNT KILL A SPIDER FOR ME CRAWLING IN MY FACE BC YOU WERE MAD I FELL ALSEEP IN CLASS… you weren’t teaching anything NEW TO ME.. AT USE MY ART IN YR BOOK AND SABOTAGE MY NAME 🖕🏽😌 OUT OF JEALOUSY BEING BETTER AT A YOUNG AGE… PLACED ME NEXT TO AP ART SOPHIA LOVED HER WORK DANGLED AP ART IN MY FACE BUT NEVER PUT ME THERE PAID OFF EXTRA FOR YOUR MOUNTAIN HOUSE BY LEE NUGENT …Douglas… ALWAYS PUSHED BC THEY KNEW I WAS SPECIALLY GIFTED INSPIRED DOUGLAS TO RETIRE BY MOUNTAINS AND PAINT SAME W KNUDSEN LET THAT INNER CHILD FLOW AND DO YOUR OWN THING … RECIVING THE ELDERLY THRU THE YOUTH .. Sophia Dixon was ALWAYS INSPIRED BY ME AND LOVED SITTING NEXT TO ME .. we weirdly SHARED COMPETITION FRIENDLY SAME W LOGAN BAYS BUT TOOK THE SAME BAIT TASHA DID AND THEYVE HAD RELATIONS IN COLLEGE PARENTS FOUND OUT AND KOCKED BAYS TO THE CURB SHE APPRECIATES ME CAUSE I WOULD TELL HER THE WAY HER PARENTS TREATED WAS SHIT .. YOU FAIL THIS YOURE FORCED TO PLACE THIS SPORT .. same w EJ JACKSON ERIN.. DAD HATED ME BUT LOVED ME BC I PUSHED THEIR KIDS TO BE BETTER..

AGAIN ITS LIKE YOU ALL KNEW SOMETHING WAS SOECIAL ABOUT ME …

COACH BRI TRYING TO GET ME TO CONDITION W BASKETBALL AND ME TALLY ABUSING ME TO STAY ON TRACC WHILE THREATENING TO GIVE MY SOOT AWAY AS CAPTAIN AND TEAM MATE I SAID IF I QUIT THE WHOLE TEAM QUITS AND WELL.. how’d did sr yr go for us AFTER MAKING JUNIOR YR CIF OR WAS THAT SIPHOMORE YR W PRESTON.. z

CALLED YOU OUT ALL THE TIKE ABOUT LYIBG ABOUT YOUR COLLEGE SPORT ACOLADES AND THEN THAT DAY WE PASSED BY THE STAIRS W COACH FEDI A JEALOUS NIGERIAN OLYMPIAN OF ME .. YALL WAS AFRAID TO LOOK ME IN THE EYES…

THE STARE OF DEATH WHEN YOU PISS ME OFF / I KNOW YOURE A SHIT LERSOB..

MADDIE SR .. WANTED TO FIGHT ME MY FRESHMAN YR BC I CALLED HER OUT FOR CUTTING THE LINE AT LINCH AND THEN BECOME “friends” OVER FB CONVO OF “girl this how you wana spend sernior yr” … Sam JOSEPHS MOM.. ALWAYS BEEN INSPIRING YOU FOLLOWING MY GRAMS.. MISS YA 💋 FAMILY!!

AJIMA FAMILY MAD CAUSE I CALLED YO BRAIDS PLASTIC THEY WERE AND YOU ALSO ALWAYS TALKED SHIT ABOUT ME WITHOUT KNOWING ME..

IT WAS ALWAYS JEALOUS BITCHES LIKE LAURYN REESE WHO KNEW OF ME BEFORE THEY MET ME PERSONALLY AND I HAD TO VERBALLY OR OHYSICALLY EVELYN PUT IN THEIR PLACE … MISS RUCKER ASKIJG ME TO TAKE HER IN AS A FRIEND BC SHES CHALLENGED IN MAKING FRIEDNS AND I DID PUT MY EGO ASIDE AND LEE PAID HER TO FUCKING DRUG ME JUNIOR YR HE GET BACK FOR CALLING HER GORILLA WHICH SHE WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL MY GET BACK FROM WEST HOLLYWOOD CAMP AND 7th grade WANTING TO “pretend” LIKE YOU DIDNT KNOW ME IN MATH CLASS ..

miss rosalez THEY REASON I FAILED GEOMETRY TOLD YOU I WASNT READY TO LEAVE ALGEBRA AND YOU FORCED ME 🤷🏽‍♀️😌🖕🏽

[rechnermensch]

actually incredible how I procrastinated on scheduling an advising meeting for 2 months because i needed to call, ended up not even meeting with my ACTUAL advisor, and then that advising meeting did nothing but give me an autistic meltdown .

I thought when scheduling an advising appointment to get help registering classes, i wouldnt just get told how there was a bunch of shit I was supposed to do ( but never got any reminder for, or even clear instruction on in the first place ) and then get sent a video explaining how to register for classes, instead of like, being walked through it on call .

I sure do wonder why no one wants to go to college anymore !

[sitronel]

Been going to therapy for my depression and anxiety and I just feel nothings working :') its like im dead inside. Been feeling shitty since my diagnosis & health anxiety kinda exacerbated to insane levels. Just living with fear, sadness and a lot of stress. Never would think of needing to take meds for my heart. One and half month after im still coping with the diagnosis, like idc if my fam calls me a dramatic, being sick out of nothing just feels weird and its so f difficult. Ngl, Im depressed bc I ended dropping art college bc I was SO stressed with all this shit. Then my dad and brother spend like a LOT of money on my Holters and exams, I feel like im in debt with them. Then Im here going to languague learning classes to distract my mind but dont feel complete happy. Also I really wanted to study gastronomy but the mensuality was around 16,000 pesos and have to give up, no fucking way im paying that shit. I want to do comissions to help my fam, but I dont have the strength to draw, just feel like a useless shit rn. I mean, Im not even lying when I say the news about season 4 mantains me alive, even if some days I think I wouldnt make it to next year... Wich sucks bc technically im not in risk bc my meds are really useful but my god, Im just so discoursged, angry, sad and tired 24/7. Never would thought to be chronically ill. Also I dont have any friends, after things I ended alone and my Internet friends just dissapeared. Maybe im the problem here but who knows. Now I just want to stop being a coward and be brave enough to try to be happy again. I hope someday...

[areyouafraid]

I Wish I Wasn't Fucked Up!

i was immensely depressed in middle and high school and it only got worse every year. it became increasingly difficult for me to focus on schoolwork and at some point i just gave up on doing most of it. i ended up doing everything last minute or late if i even did it at all and obviously my grades took a hit. basically all of my teachers saw me as some little punk kid who just didnt give a shit about school and was being difficult just to be a dick and looking back i wonder if they had really all never dealt with any of that. i was going to school every day with dirty hair and shitty clothes often not eating and sometimes flat out passing out in class. did no one see that?

i still remember how helpless i felt. school counselors and child therapists tell you they have this rule that they have to tell your parents if youre thinking about hurting yourself or others or whatever. based on what i had heard from other people, they might tell your parents if you tell them anything less than that as well. you have no agency as a minor. youre at the mercy of the adults. everyone wanted to know why i wasnt doing any work. i was afraid i could end up in an institution if i told them i was depressed. if i told them i felt hopeless. if told them i thought about killing myself every single day. so i told them i didnt know. it felt like they cared less about WHY i wasnt working and more about the fact that i wasnt working in and of itself.

i still remember. "what's the point of doing any of this shit? i don't have a future. i can't afford college and i'll never have a decent-paying job. i'm not good at anything and i'm not smart enough to get a scholarship. cops are killing people in the streets and everyone i know is poor." i remember not being able to pay attention in class because that was all i could think about. i remember trying my hardest to focus on a math test but all i could think about was that i wanted to go home and go to bed.

i literally thought i was going to kill myself before i graduated 12th grade. i still dont know if i can say i was "really" suicidal because i never made any attempts to kill myself. but i did think about it literally every single day. i had a plan. there was a river within walking distance of my house. i thought i was going to sneak out one night and drown myself. maybe i would take some drugs so i wouldnt be able to swim to shore. even suicidal people try to fight in the throes of death and i figured it was for the best that i wouldnt be able to. it never did happen. i hated the idea of anyone finding my body and obviously i was a pussy. i wonder if i would have killed myself if my parents had a gun. i sometimes still feel like it was a mistake that i survived. sometimes i feel like i never stopped being 15.

[girljokes]

I did a rant and it’s a long post

okay I washed my face and now I’m ready to rant bc im just so, like, fatigued at being in a relationship. like I love him and all but its just so much easier to be single bc it feels like i do something that makes him upset every other day. i mean granted he doesnt get in my face about it. actually its quite the opposite bc he’ll just go really cold and give me one word responses like “yeah” “cool” and the like. and its just exhausting to think if what i’m gonna do next is gonna make him upset or not. i wish he’d break up with me. and you may be thinking “but giana why dont you just break up with him” I would except I already did once and it fucked him up really bad and also i love him. if i break up with him again then IM the bitch, which sucks bc we have mutual friends we met through a mutual friend!! and i dont want their opinion of me to change. and i wouldnt mind also being friends with him but i doubt hed want anything to do with me. im contemplating breaking up with him if/when i leave town. because thats another thing. I want to leave this shit town (ladybird moment) and he doesnt mind staying. like I told him that one of my big standards is he has to do something after high school like college (not even a bachelors, get an associates degree!!!!), or a trade, or a certification. just SOMETHING. but no he was sooooo resistant to the idea bc he thinks he’s gonna be a big musician someday which is fine, pursue your dreams, i’ll support them and be your biggest cheerleader but be reasonable! you live in a shit wisconsin town with NO MUSIC SCENE and half of your “band” barely shows up to the one rehearsal a week you have. and i know he’s not gonna break up with me any time soon bc he’s like. also super in love with me. he might actually during this new semester bc he got upset when i wasnt always available during my 13 credit semester and he missed me but this is a 17 credit semester. thats 17 hours of instruction and 17 projected hours of outside class work. plus me working my job and trying to go to the gym as much as i can (within reason), i’m not gonna have a lot of time for him. he already wants to plan for valentines day and i told him it depends on my schedule. and he gets all in his head about it. i figured out what i want to do with my life and that involves years!!!! of studying. i just dont see this lasting if he’s gonna be temperamental and not understanding of how full my schedule is gonna be from now to may. whatever i guess, he’s very sweet a lot of the time too. when he wants to be.

i didnt think “dont get mad at me for a decision you made” was something that had to be said but here we are

[tulipanthousa]

you mentioned like casually ages ago about laoft logan wearing a vibe plug to a revel and giving the remote to virgil who doesnt know what it is and just turns it up all the way and i havent stopped thinking about it since i am so enamoured with the idea of (once they get over the apologies and making fun of them) shy logan in public just outright giving virgil control over his pleasure theyre so cute

ALSO thoughts on virgil gifting logan an app controlled vibe linked to his, pattons and romans phones whilst hes away at college..?

(side note this made me think of a totally non-sexual dialogue and then spawned an entire bit of worldbuilding for the bell backstory so thanks for that /pos)

i dont know if an app would be necessary when virgil could make a magicaltoy that did the same thing, and also the dodgy cell tower shit with wickhills (wickhills wireless my beloved niche worldbuilding) but do like the idea of all three of them having it and like..... Logan even getting a sense for whose messing with him based on the timing and patterns of usage.

knowing roman will give him brief little high-power jolts in class of only a second, just enough to make him react and leave him on edge waiting for the next one that may or may not come. just enough to infuriate him.

recognizing Patton late at night, coaxing him with long, lowest setting vibration s that become impossible to ignore until he finally groans and calls patton on the mirror "yes i get it im going to bed can i please orgasm now"

virgil waking him up out of a dead sleep (obvi theyve established this is ok/expected or he wouldnt have gone to sleep with it) with an orgasm so brutal and quick that its barely satisfiying and mostly just leaves him feral and furious, calling for virgil in the mirror and chewing him out that gradually devolves int helpless whining as virgil just keeps calmly overstimulating him until he cant anymore

yes yes. very good concept. i rotate it