#i wouldn’t even want to fix her
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she couldn’t very well keep calling herself the master, now could she?
#look i simply had to do missy#i don’t have the words to describe how obsessed i am with her#i like all incarnations of the master as i simply love a petty little hater#but missy simply lives in my head rent free#i wouldn’t even want to fix her#the atrocities are part of her and i’ve decided they’re endearing#missy dw#missy doctor who#missy!master#doctor who#the master#sketch#art#digital art#illustration#fanart
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I just realized some people are confused about events in the alluded to past in Mouthwashing, particularly about how long the crew has been working together.
The only person who is truly new is Daisuke and it’s why his dynamic with the crew and role in the story is very unique and somewhat distant. Curly didn’t just get Jimmy this job on the Tulpar, he got him the job with the Pony Express. He’s been his copilot for probably a couple of years but still not as long as they’ve been friends. None of them are new with the freight industry, Anya and Swansea especially have been doing this for years, together.
Jimmy is the newest on the regular crew, maybe just a few assignments, but it’s not his first time working with them. I think it’s just something important because this isn’t just one bad mistake that snowballed with giving Jimmy the job. None of them thought Jimmy would do anything, no matter how off-put by him they could’ve been, since he hadn’t done a thing since being there. Generally unpleasantness isn’t a crime and he’d be aware of that.
It was a festering thing and a sort of forced trust they had to give him that he knowingly took advantage of. He was the black sheep and still a wolf under the wool. He expected when he lashed out, that he had been there long enough for it to be looked over completely. Got too comfortable in the space he inserted into and did a lot of damage with his claws when he felt he was going to get shaken out.
#I think acting like if Curly just didn’t give Jim the job this wouldn’t have happened is underplaying that they’ve all been working for PE#for a bit and that Jimmy got comfortable enough to do something horrible like#a lot of factors made the trip being out the worse parts of them but Jimmy was slowly letting his worse parts show and I think people assume#that this was one a few mission he went on with Curly and that he advocated for him completely when it was more likely#he pulled some strings so Jimmy could work right under him and stay out of trouble with a decent job and it back fired cause Jimmy is just#not a good person like I see people acting like his breakdown and choice to crash the ship was because this was probably one of the last#chances to fix his life and he couldn’t admit he fucked up soemthing literally handed to him so badly and cruelly#I think people forget that predators like Jimmy rarely do anything the first day. or week or month or year#they ingrain themselves into the schedule and dynamic and build a sort of stability that make it harder to knock them down or push back#he has Curly’s trust as the co pilot and as a friend#Swansea doesn’t like him but doesn’t trust him and Anya is just wary initially#he doesnt even attack her at the start of the trip it’s implied it happens after the psyche evals and when she confides in Curly how#patronizing he is to her and her position. he’s retaliating against a perceived slight to his stability to him it was pure act of power and#anger because he’s at his core an avoidant bully who can’t take responsibility#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#jimmy mouthwashing#I didn’t want this to be a Jimmy post but it is#more so about how abusers like Jimmy work but I digress cause most of it’s in the comments
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🫣
#i am absolutely not condoning the death threats and other excessive hate she is receiving#but play stupid games you win stupid prizes#posting a video reiterating that what she said was simply misunderstood is not taking accountability#and I don’t think she’s sorry about what she said she’s sorry about the consequences of her own actions#and her wanting Simone to ask people to stop hating is crazy bcs she literally blocked Simone so in theory she wouldn’t even see the video#also why should Simone have to fix MyKayla’s mess
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I finished Rebirth! The last leg of the game gave big KH vibes imo (the name of the last chapter (End of the World) is even the name of the last level/world in KH1). But that ending was crazy. Does Cloud, like, know Aerith is dead, or is he so deep in denial that he thinks she’s alive?
#i personally interpreted this as his delusional ass has another layer of denial to deal with now#and we’re gonna have an inverse situation of the beginning of this game#instead of being convinced tifa died now he’s convinced aerith did not die#maybe in another world she didn’t or something but in this one she definitely Did#and he does not seem to process that he is not grieving at all like the others#cloud’s whole thing it seems is his inability to process the past and face reality so this is definitely in line for him i have to say#you can’t grieve if you don’t accept the loss#aerith seems to represent that sweet escape from reality I mentioned before even more now#i don’t think she means any harm by it she’s trying to make him feel better#unless it’s not even her it’s jenova fucking with him or something idek anymore. sephiroth did say cloud needed a push#but i want to think it’s really aerith i mean hopefully#then again would her spirit not recognize he absorbed the black materia in his sword wouldn’t she feel that through the lifestream#and be like uh hey watcha got there#so maybe it’s not her? aughhhh idk lmao#whole time sephiroth was yapping about forever and eternity i kept thinking#maybe watching rgu would’ve fixed him shdbdbshhs#there’s no such thing as eternity my guy. the only constant is impermenance. let’s get you some fruit
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Despite how much I suffered making my last isat au Aris sprite redraw, I decided to do it again and once again went through hell doing it. There’s like a billion mistakes in this (such as her having the wrong arm rip) but at the end of the day I’m still happy with how it turned out :]
#keese draws#oc#oc art#eternal gales#isat#in stars and time#sorry for main tagging feel free to excecute me if you want or whatever#grips sink cringe is dead cringe is dead cringe is dead#anyways this is a very fuzzy and vague au as I don’t rly feel comfortable going off too hard with this one#this is pretty much entirely because I know I’d have to fuck around with the worldbuilding a decent amount and I don’t rly wanna do that#Isat’s worldbuilding is one of my favorite parts of isat so I don’t wanna fuck it up yknow?#I might do some other sprite redraws once I stop thinking too hard abt aris and tali#for context tali is the king aka complicated design that makes me wanna cry especially since I made it worse by changing her imagery#instead of having tears as a thing she has like. fracturing if that makes sense?#it’s supposed to be a nod to her ‘cracked’ eye in canon#she also has threads coming from her limbs instead of long hair for similar reasons#also she doesn’t have straight hair so yknow#but yeah for additional context aris and tali are half sisters and they make me go insane#in this au the idea would be that when their grandparents divorced when the two were little tali and their grandma left the island#aris wouldn’t leave until five or so years later when she was around 12#at which point the island disappeared and all that#the two have mostly completely forgotten about eachother but there still is familiarity between them#tali isn’t any less of a piece of shit than the king in this au tho#aris for a brief moment almost remembers who tali is during act 3 but she dies before she can fully grasp it#which almost hurts more to her despite not even knowing what she was trying to recall#during act 5 her inner sadness fight is against the hazy image of a very young tali 👍#just tiny 5 year old tali using the voices of the others to scream at aris that she’s been nothing but a burden to them all#and that she’s done nothing but hurt them in her selfish attempts to fix a problem that she refuses to admit she caused#and that time and time again she’s lied that she’s doing her best to protect them and that she’s failed all of them#it’s a mix of current guilt and her hazy but longstanding guilt towards tali
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been playing emerald for the first time on and off as of late and RSE Brendan is so different from ORAS Brendan it’s funny like you’re NOT my son who is this bratty kid 😭
#I hate to say it but I wouldn’t have cared for hoennshipping if RSE was my intro to it instead of ORAS 🫢#and that’s saying a lot cause hoennshipping is… literally the reason I draw.#I was so obsessed with dorky neighbor Brendan that I see RSE Brendan with his stupid lowkey 2000’s misogyny and I’m like….. bruh#the fact he says this shit while being dressed with that horrid outfit…..#Ugh I know hyo would kill me for saying all this crap he’s been wanting me to play emerald for ages and I just think it’s ok 🧍🏽♀️#I see emerald and all I can think is “wow Oras was such a good remake actually wtf” and I’m angry it took until BDSP for ppl to admit that#like if it took you until BDSP to realize ORAS isn’t a shitty remake then you don’t deserve ORAS in fact ur a faker Hoenn fan than I am!! /#Anyways I told Lexie and Maple this and Lexie was like “there’s a reason Brendan didn’t rank high until ORAS”#And Maple said “I didn’t even ship them until I met you and you were so passionate about it lmfao”#ORAS fixed Brendan tho maybe I’m exaggerating saying I wouldn’t like yuuharu if I played RSE first when I had a crush on CALEM in HS#CALEM YOUR FRIENDZONE SCENE GAVE ME SO MUCH PTSD I MADE MY SERENA A LESBIAN (nah I made her a lesbian for other reasons)#Ally shut up#Ally speaks words
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i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane
(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)
#i feel so isolated from everything bc i’m not in school rn but all my friends are and 90% of the ones who are in state go to the same school#so they’re all in the same town and here i am 45 minutes away#i never get invited to anything bc 1) my friends all tend to make plans really last minute#and 2) if we want to go out and drink - which we usually do bc that’s the stage of life we’re in rn - i’d have to stay the night with#someone bc i absolutely cannot afford a 45 minute uber home and most of my friends don’t like staying over / having people stay over#so i have basically no social life and it’s only gotten worse in the past couple months since i got laid off from my main job#not only did i love that job but i loved my coworkers and work was pretty much the only time i left the house and interacted with people#and without that job i can’t even do the little solo things i used to do to cheer myself up like go see a movie#or even just go for a long drive bc i’m broke (as in i have $17 in cash to my name and am like $1000 in debt rn)#so all i do is rot in bed all day and apply for jobs that i’m overqualified for yet still don’t get hired#i barely even leave my room bc i avoid my family which just makes me feel guilty bc i love my family#but they get on my nerves so easily and most of the conversations i have with my mom end in her lecturing me about something and me crying#and on top of everything it’s just straight up embarrassing to be unemployed and completely directionless about college and living at home#logically i know i’m still very young and it’s common to live at home when you’re 20 but literally none of my friends do#i had a couple friends who lived at home for the first 2 years after high school and went to community college but by now they’ve moved out#and they’re all at universities and either graduating this year or next year meanwhile the earliest i could possibly graduate is in 2 years#i should be finishing my junior year rn but i’ve only completed my freshman year#i hated the school i was at and planned on transferring sophomore year but long story short that didn’t work out#even longer story short i ended up doing a semester each at 2 different community colleges and failed all my classes both times#and took 2 semesters off so now i’m a full 2 years behind and even though my freshman year was miserable#i’m starting to wish i stayed at that school anyway bc at least i would be at a university and accomplishing something#plus theres a huge difference between staying at home for a couple years after high school then moving out later#vs living on your own right away then having to move back home after you’ve already experienced having your own space#and on top of everything i have an older sister who’s a literal genius and graduated last year#and a younger sister who just finished her freshman year at the school i hated but she loves it and got perfect grades and made friends#so they’re both thriving and here i am living with my mom and my 13 year old brother and just completely failing at everything#i’m just so miserable and obviously moving out again and going back to school wouldn’t magically fix everything#but at least i would feel like my life was going somewhere and i wasn’t getting left behind by everyone i know#i just have no idea how to move forward and i feel like ever since high school not a single thing has gone the way i wanted it to#vent
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which is also why I think - in a vengeance shri’iia au where she ends up as astarion’s spawn and he inevitably gets tired of her bc he has all the power in the world and he can have anything and anyone he wants and everything is his for the taking - when she inevitably turns from his ‘eternal lover’ to just his ‘first spawn’ - she will be sooo amy gone girl about it.
like she’s devoting her oath and her entire life to him, he doesn’t get to change that. he’s not allowed to change even. she will do everything in her power and she will even set fire to them both if he tried to change. like he’s making a mistake that she’s rectifying! she lives to serve, and if he doesn’t want her servitude that means there’s something that’s not right and she will personally correct that. like he doesn’t need to worry about anything ofc - worrying doesn’t look good on him let her fix what needs to be fixed. she is such a good lover after all. it doesn’t compute to her that she’s going to be replaced. like it literally doesn’t make sense, not when he promised her eternity. so when he starts looking at someone else, when he starts to favor someone else and lavish them with his attentions and praise she will get rid of them because he’s getting distracted! and he doesn’t need distractions! and when he gets mad at her she will forgive his transgressions and soothe that anger away - he doesn’t need anymore wrinkles. and she will know about every little lie he says and hold them close to her chest then recite it back to him when she gets rid of another one of his new favourites. and when he tries to kill her she’ll do the same thinking it’s some game or courtship - this is how it was back in menzoberranzan after all! the fact that he was willing to learn her traditional courtship is so sweet 🥰. and maybe she’ll scare him even, so he can learn what fear is again. it’s a good kind of fear bc she’s showing what kind of person she could be so it would be dumb of him to throw her away.
but the thing is! she’s operating out of love and devotion! and they have eternity together! and there’s something sooo sicko yes about how ascended astarion’s first spawn - his first creation - being something that he will eventually resent and fears. bc it would be so much easier if she hated him like how he hated cazador. but she doesn’t. she’s deranged and in love and so obsessive about that love to the point where it literally can not be changed - and he can’t change it or manipulate it. what was once useful to him became a detriment. their love turning so sick and rotten, like a leftover apple, and she becomes a nuisance that he can’t get rid of, and he’s stuck with that nuisance for eternity. he eventually realises what a mistake it was seducing her back then when they had those tadpoles in their heads, when they had that strange freedom. like if he knew things would turn out like this, and she was actually this kind of person, maybe he would’ve done things differently but instead he’s stuck with her for eternity.
and I do think he’ll try to kill her lmfao I mean he’s a vampire lord and she’s just a fucking spawn so he’ll get rid of her once he gets bored and annoyed, but she thinks it’s some game between them so she’ll try to get him too - not kill him ofc but just close enough to scare him and remind him that she does bite even before the vampire teeth. I mean before him, she was literally a drow high priestess’/matron mother’s trained hound.
anyway I really love the idea of them being miserable with each other lmfaoo and I think she will be so miserable as a spawn actually and the moment when she potentially gets replaced something is gonna break inside of her bc it’ll just like before when she broke her oath. but she won’t be that bewildered and confused girl again, nope. she’s not going to accept it this time, she refuses! she doesn’t get to be the only miserable one, he doesn’t get to win..!!!
#they’d be so rancid together im like sicko yes ..‼️‼️#anyway I think it’ll be very late down the years when he gets tired of her but he WILL ! like I’m sure of it#but she won’t allow it 🫶 like he doesn’t get to do that#he’s not allowed. even. and then they’ll clash and he’ll hate her 🫶 but she forgives him every time !#he doesn’t mean it after all. it’s just one his moods and she knows him SO well. and it’s this cycle of resentment and mindfuck and love#and a whole fucking eternity of that loool#anyway that kind of toxicity def needs to be contained rip to the new spawns who gets caught up in that fuckery#like she’s still a paladin so she has an innate power advantage over the vamps since they’re undead#but now I’m wondering how would a vamp paladin work lmfao#she’s literally willing to smite and kill herself if it meant smiting him also like you don’t understand she will drag him down to hell#with her if it meant they go together. it doesn’t matter if he wants to or not 😭#she is really so deranged the best possible ending for her is to take all that energy and focus it on herself not someone else 😭#bc she’s the only one who can handle it you know ..!!! hence why I think spawn astarion/vengeance shri’iia wouldn’t work either bc she’ll#be too much for him like you can’t fix her…! she can only fix herself if she wanted to ..!#shut up about bg3.
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The hypocritical dichotomy of “I have the right to separate myself from those who have hurt me, I hold no obligation to them or to the connections we once had” and “I will hold the people who have hurt me personally accountable for the pain they have caused me and prioritize myself above their feelings” is the kind of thing that makes me want to tear my hair out and start biting people
#this is about ‘going no contact’ with family members in case you couldn’t tell#i understand that the terrible things tend to float to the surface of the internet#and garner the most attention therefore getting the most upvotes and likes and highest priority on the youtube algorithm#but every time i read or hear a story about someone cutting their parents out of their life#i literally don’t know how to respond#like on the one hand yes its importnat to keep yourself safe#and if you are in an unsafe situation you should 100% remove yourself#but don’t act like you’re not also causing damage#if you’re upset with your parent/s for causing you damage by prioritizing their feelings/needs/wants/etc over yours#then doing the same thing to them isn’t actually fixing anything#and while it does carry with it a kind of poetic justice#you are in a lot of ways continuing an unhealthy behavior pattern that’s only taken on a new face#idk man#i just#do you ever lie awake at night considering your inherent hypocrisy?#do you ever wonder what kind of impact this is going to have on not only your personal future but that of those around you?#my mom still talks to her horrendous siblings and while I genuinely wouldn’t blame her for stopping because htey’re actively harmful#I also can get behind the personal honor and maintaining your own values in keeping up connections because you value the person#even when they continue to hurt you in order to feel better about themselves#actively saying ‘you are more important to me than the hurt that you continue to cause me’ takes a lot of guts#and i know if my siblibngs and i became their targets then things would change#but the fact that she’s willing to continue to take it from them as they continue to target her?#infintely admirable imo
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i love. y’shtola. so much
#way back in ARR when she was letting everyone know she thought the beast tribes were being treated terribly#and that the people responsible for that had to accept responsibility for the primals#and then when minfilia sends the wol to ask her what she thinks about the scions accepting money from other organizations/patrons she’s like#no because i want to tell people when they’re at fault without needing to spare their feelings 😌 and she’s right to do so!!!#and then she didn’t like how the crystal exarch was doing things. keeping secrets etc so she just. LEFT!!! and did what she felt she had to#she didn’t like uri keeping secrets so she told him. she didn’t like the way thanny was reading ryne so she told him even when he was angry#she literally had to separate herself from him so she wouldn’t say MORE#and all the times she puts herself in harms way for the people and causes she cares about it#ugh. i love cori’s tiny very direct impatient but empathetic and kind and also kind of mean wife i love her so much#also love that she can curse to an extent that makes BIGGS blush#and when she rejects magnai and he is so mad but she’s just like i don’t have time for this agshdjdks#i got here btw by way of that shtola and squelch gifset and was thinking about how he’s like ‘you are not people to me so it’s not murder’#well is it murder if shtola uses her staff to blow you up. what about that!#i need a text post tag#clearly i am doing so well today friends. so well.#*thanny was TREATING ryne omg. i’m not going back to fix that
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I feel so physically ill with anxiety right now I can hardly think
#I have to tell my mom something that’s probably going to make her mad and disappointed#and I’m a people pleaser#so I’ve been trying to hide that I’ve been struggling in general#cause I don’t want to cause even more turmoil in this house#my mom has threatened my step dad with divorce several times now#both are trying to quit smoking now so tension is even worse#I wanted to live here for a few more years cause rent is expensive but idk it’s been so bad lately#I’ve actually thought about moving out#but like. I don’t work enough. I don’t make enough money#and even if I did then I wouldn’t be able to save enough to even consider university#but anyways. I have to tell her something and she’s going to be so mad probably.#I don’t know if I can do it. but it will be worse if I leave it.#I can’t fucking do this anymore#going from the smart kid who got awards and was top of their class for years to the kid who didn’t graduate on time or at all yet is…. shit#I just want to disappear I feel like I can’t do this#I had a lovely conversation with a friend I reconnected with last night. made me realize how nice it is to talk to people who actually care#she was so reassuring and supportive and while it pushed me over the edge emotionally it felt so good to be cared about in a way that wasn’t#trying to fix me. she was just sympathetic and that meant so much#el talks#breakdown hours
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now what the hell-
#i HATEEEEE when authors do this#like what the hell did we read all that for if they didn’t actually fix everything????#just write a new series in a different world don’t drag these bitches back into it#if you have more to say then say it. but say it SOMEWHERE ELSE#juli reads redacted#mine#meanwhile before i stop talking about this series forever let me say darcy was ROBBED#last chapter tory pov??? second to last was orion??? no darcy in SIGHT???#and tory and darius having more kids and also having kids SOONER than bluelance? IN WHAT UNIVERSE#no let’s talk about how they did tory so dirty she got rose callowayed#because i would’ve assumed she wouldn’t really want kids at all#but they gave her two sets of twins plus a set of triplets AND ALL OF THEM ARE BOYS?#now yes torydarius are for sure boy parents i’ll give them that it checks out#BUT NOT EVEN ONE GIRL FOR THIS POOR WOMAN? THAT IS NEFARIOUS!!!!!!
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(extremely long tag rant)
#sometimes it’s like ‘I have a handle on my ocd and it’s been pretty good!’ but that’s a lie actually#it’s just that I haven’t been constantly triggered and degraded in a while#but m’s parents are visiting! and they simply refused to do anything differently than they’d do it at their house#and listen. listen to me. I know I have a disorder that makes people moving things around in my house and leaving their shit everywhere#a big problem where for most it wouldn’t be an issue at all#and I don’t actually expect or even really ask my guests to follow my rules bc I think that’s unreasonable#I just have to fix the house every night before bed or I can’t sleep#but they keep staying up until like 1am and I’m not sleeping every night so I’m exhausted and I can’t wait up for them#so I wake up - house wrong. I fix it and then leave a room for 5 seconds - house is wrong. I go to bed - house is wrong.#I just get no fucking relief from it its constant. they don’t even push in their fucking chairs. it’s like living with children#and she complains about shit all the fucking time. ‘your floors are always so cold you know it’s not like that at our house’#okay well we rent so we have no control over that and also we live in entirely different places maybe houses are different here#she started making chicken - didn’t ask about a cutting board so she tried to use a cracked one I only keep as decor and THEN#she goes to start doing the chicken stuff after I get her out the right stuff and there’s fucking dog food out on the counter next to her#and she looked at my like I was such a bitch when I moved the bowls of dog food away. I’m not having raw chicken AND dog food on there#I asked them to not leave the dogs bowls on the counter too but that’s a lost cause ig. better than the diaper on my couch#it’s just constant and I obviously can’t just pick up their shit and tidy it the same way I can m’s#and he slides back into all these rude habits bc he’s around his parents again bc obvi that’s how they raised him so he regresses#I’m just so tired and I have another day and then they want to do 5 days for thanksgiving and 7 for Christmas#and I have to find a way to tell m that if they’re in my house for 7 days I’ll actually have to barricade myself in the bedroom#usually I feel like he and I are on the same side when it comes to his parents but lately I’ve just felt pretty abandoned and that’s hard#I had to take a benzo just to deal w them yesterday bc my heart rate was like 180 for an hour#AND I’m on my PERIOD#this was a long tag rant but I needed this#personal
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Man if I attempt to do that trend on my own and do some serious editing then it’s gonna look stupid and I’m gonna look stupid and I’d look like I was when I was a kid trying to get my family friend to play with me but she would just ignore me ;-;
#I would get my toys for her and I to play with but she always wouldn’t#she acted like it was excruciating to talk to me or something#and she was younger than me too like#plus she would just always ignore me and stuff#dora daily#and was srsly rude#ughhh I swear like the more time goes on the more I simply do not care how little I speak to anyone#like I am srsly fed up#and as usual apparently it’s my responsibility to fix up the impact ppl have on me#what if I don’t WANT to anymore ppl can just fuck off if they want idrc anymore#it’s better than pandering and begging everyone for a morsel of their time#likeeee ik I kin wanderer and kaveh etc BUT at least they have ppl who ‘save’ them to some capacity#I always have to save myself 👹 who said I was even bothered enough to do that be fr ugh#does it look like the person who always sh’s is interested in saving herself ? nuh uh lmao anyways
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Weight talk tw I guess idk how to describe the post sorry im a little high
It’s so weird being around people who talk about weight problems (IOP) and like idk it brings up weird shit in my brain almost anxiety that I should feel bad about myself somehow like I’m doing this wrong being confident idk. Weird self doubt thing that happens when you’ve loved yourself (hmm. Rephrase. I don’t care about being fat. let’s say that.) and then you’re in a room full of people having a group discussion about how they avoid living their life in happy ways because they don’t want to become like you. But you love yourself. But everyone in your life since you were little has been dieting and talking about weight and specific numbers (someone was anxious about gaining seven pounds! SEVEN. If they saw my scale they would shit themselves. I put on seven pounds taking a big bong rip Jesus fucking Christ seven pounds. I wanted to rip my hair out.)
Next time weight issues come up in IOP I’m stepping out of the room. Like idk how to explain it cause it’s like not a trigger but I guess it is ? But it’s just so weird like the way I’m triggered makes me want to cry why does the world hate me for being fat what the fuck !!!!
#me when I gain weight issues through thinking about my own body in a group setting#ughhh#whatever fuck it#taking an anxiety med chavas at work Levi’s on a train (EXCITED!!!!) I’m gonna take my little sedative friend and try to take a nap bc six#and a half hours after the last two days I’ve had is fucking nothing. going to nap city will fix me.#also taking my morning med. I haven’t done that yet I need to eat *stares into camera* to take my meds gahhhh I hate having a human form an#intestines just take the med with one cracker and not get sick what the fuck body I’m so sick of heart burn I want to burn down the world#and now that I’ve had a med increase I get fucking withdrawal symptoms if I miss a morning dose which I found out bc I left my meds at home#accidentally on Monday when I was so overtired and forgot to put them back in my bag for IOP (cause they have food at IOP so I take them#there once I’ve eaten) and then I had a headache for like half of the day and I was so overtired I was crying on the drive home cause I#wanted to sleep so bad and then I got home and my brain wouldn’t shut the fuck up even on the sleep meds until I talked to kath and she#calmed me down just existing the little sweetheart god I love her okay anyways babble over I’m very overtired and a little cranky and my#brother has been in a very bitchy mood recently idk what’s got him on edge but everything is setting him off into little fights like not#just with me he was fighting with mom this morning he’s just kick to getting worked up recently which leads to me being angry wanting to be#rude which means do the opposite which means show extra compassion woohoo coping skills 🗣️🗣️#anyways. post panic attack sedative nap (my beloved) or perhaps work on editing my vlog#I’m high I forgot you can’t hit comma on tags. edit my vlog. vacuum. (I always spell vacuum with two c’s and not two u’s and I think#autocorrect should not correct me on that one bc I think I am right in my soul idk why#there’s another word I’m like that with but I forget what it is . okay bye thank you for listening to my type words goodbye goodnight mwah#it’s nap time babyyyyyy#idk if I have to trigger tag this ? someone let me know if I do please
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thinking. of. when i am less poor. getting 2-3 lotto tickets. and losing.
#i’m thinking big ones like ones where if i win i can just buy a house and pay my debt and even some of my moms debt off#i hate her but she gives me a lot of money so i feel like if i won the powerball or smthn that i would owe that to her#i don’t hate her anymore i guess but i don’t really like her very much and i don’t trust her. anyway.#other than taking music lessons and finally getting my jaw fixed idk what i would do with it but i would want to use the rest to help people#but i don’t trust charities because i fr don’t know a single soul who’s gotten help from anything other than a food bank#and i feel like with so much money maybe i could do more than just disperse it to peoples gfms u kno#but idk how to go about lobbying the US government for universal healthcare and tbh i am not sure if i agree with lobbying even if it’s for#something good idk#and big pharma probably has at least 100 powerballs to throw at legislators:/#these are very silly thoughts i know i wouldn’t win and i know i couldn’t single handedly lobby for health care idk i just want to not#struggle financially or be dependent or let people suffer in some greedy fucking mansion
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