#i would like to see myself represented as a superhero. just once. please.

[slightlycomicobsessed]

i know the reason is racism but it's still wild to me that comics have 5 bajillion white guys with blonde/black hair blue eyes. and like. 0 sikh characters. meanwhile baby me created like 3 by the time i was 16. like. maybe you guys should chill with Generic White Protag #9897 and write like. one more minority. please.

[cjstheshethey]

I really wanna talk about Blue Beetle and why it's so important to me. SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!

Ever since this movie was announced, I was excited because I have familiarized myself with the character of Jaime Reyes for over a decade now. My sister introduced to me to the character when we had our late night Young Justice marathons during a vacation in Mexico back in 2013. Eventually, we got to season 2, where Jaime was introduced. I remember when he would speak Spanish, I would say "Hey he speaks Spanish like us!" And sometimes my non-English speaking cousins would join us watching the show, and when he spoke Spanish, they were able to understand him. As time went on I kinda forgot about DC for a while since I was gaining other interests until Young Justice came back for its 3rd and 4th seasons(This is also your subtle sign that if you haven't watched Young Justice you should do that). Naturally, Jaime is still one of my favorite characters in the show. While I was still in my Young Justice hyperfixation, It was announced that a Blue Beetle movie was happening and even had some concept art shown. Me being the superhero loving Mexican nerd that I am, I was already hyped, and we hadn't even gotten a trailer yet. Then, on April 3rd of this year, the first trailer came out, and I was so excited. DC has been one of my special interests since literally as long as I can remember no joke one of the first shows I ever remember seeing was the original Teen Titans and so combine one of my special interests with one of the most important parts of my identity(my ethnicity) and an excuse to go to the movies? I was stoked. And so I finally saw it a couple of days ago, and I LOVED it. From the family dynamic to the music choices(La Chona in the beginning where Rudy was introduced was the most Mexican introduction ever and I love it.) and even a few references to Mexican culture I didn't expect, Blue Beetle was everything to me. Finally a movie centered around a Mexican family that wasn't afraid to go into topics like immigration and straight up racism towards Mexicans and those topics not taking up the whole story while also not stereotyping any of these characters and treating them like real people. These guys did their research, and it showed. During the part where Jaime comes back to Earth and starts saying something in Spanish, he's saying a prayer. I used to say that particular prayer a lot back when I was a kid, which is a good thing they added that in there because it makes relatable to someone like me. I really wanna make note of one of my favorite scenes from the movie. So after Jaime gets the Scarab and it attaches itself to him, he tries to find a way to get it off him. Once they go to Ted Kords' hidden lab and find out he can't get rid of it safely, he angerly walks out. His uncle Rudy follows him up to the roof. Rudy asks if Jaimes ok and Jaime apologizes for yelling at Rudy. Rudy then starts giving a really good talk about the family and how resilient they are. Then he says this. "I mean, look at your old man. He brought me here from Sonora....when I was 10." No joke, just ask @alextric-overload(Hey dude 😁) and my other friends who came with me, I legitimately gasped in that theater. Why? Because that's where my family is from. Never before did I ever imagine Sonora would even be mentioned in any media let alone a big screen superhero movie but I am so glad it was and I've said it before and I'll say it again: Never in my life have I felt so seen and so represented. The moment those credits rolled, I legit said word for word, "This! This is how you do representation. MORE. OF. THIS. PLEASE." This is why representation is so important because if we continue to make movies like this, more people like me can see themselves in media and feel the way I did. REPRESENTATION MATTERS! So please go support this movie if you haven't already, it's so worth it!

[imaginedreamwrite]

I know you've just posted the theme for tomorrow, but that headcanon for HR!Reader and mandatory attendance of the party made me giggle and think about something - Steve would know about ultimatum which Tony set for Reader and probably would 'accidentally' meet Reader somewhere in the office to 'chat' about the party. Since it will be his birthday he wants to share with her what would make him happy - from dresscode to 'gifts' (oh, he wants that pussy). After Reader tells Steve she would never consider and advice he gave her, the conversation leaves her hot and bothered - and it is enough for Steve 😏

I think I’d like to break this ask up into two days, the first (where I answer this today) and the second tomorrow (where Steve sees her at the party)

The invitation was modestly decorated with pieces of the traditional red, white & blue that both represented Steve’s birthday and the Fourth of July. It was a combination party hosted by Tony Stark to celebrate the man with a plan, and the greatest country’s birthday.

You turned it over in your hand, eyeing the card stock and decor that enhanced the simple black ink almost relieved that you hadn’t received one in person. Rather you had mulled over the invitation with other members of the HR team. They had been ecstatic to receive their invitations to the Stark party, finding themselves mulling with the superhero’s they represented, while you found yourself exhaling a sigh of relief at being left out.

Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were trouble. They were trouble by definition, and they made you feel innately overwhelmed with strengthening feelings for the two of them. Your emotional connection to the two super soldiers had long since transcended professionalism and yet you resisted every chance to let them in.

This party, had you been invited, would’ve surely broken your spirit.

“Have fun. I think a quiet night in is in the works for me.” You recalled your glee at being left out and handed the invitation back to your colleague, before ultimately heading to your office.

As you had stepped inside and closed the door behind you, you settled yourself in your desk chair and reached for the mouse of your computer. The screen loaded and you opened your emails, scouring through the inbox that heralded no real interest. However as you started to close one screen for another, a knock at the door interrupted your next task.

“Morning, doll.” Steve stepped into the office and leaned on the door frame, arms crossed over his chest with a toying smirk on his face.

You lifted your head and looked toward him, your eyes narrowing and brows furrowing. He looked as if he had just stepped foot off the training floor with his compression gear and soft beads of sweat rolling down the column of his neck. Regardless of his appearance from the training facility, he still looked commendably attractive.

And with this admission of beauty had come the flutter of your heart and increasing warmth between your legs.

“Can I help you, Captain?” You looked away and swallowed heavily, your eyes downcast and taking special interest in the notepad on your desk.

“How many times do I have to tell you to call me Steve, doll?” He stepped closer, drawing your eyes to his broad chest and thick biceps.

“Once more, Captain.” You responded softly, more than you anticipated. “What did you need?”

“Heard the HR department got invited to the party, thought I’d come talk to you about it.”

“I didn’t get an invite.” You replied with speculation, only now noticing the thick invitation in his hand.

“Are you sure?” Steve stopped in front of your desk, personally hand-delivering an invitation.

Although it retained the same information as the others, your invitation was simpler and less gaudy. It was more aesthetically pleasing to the eye and seemed more intimate than not, with each detail seeming as if it was hand picked for you.

“I wanted to give it to you myself.” Steve’s hand trailed along the edge of the desk until he had rest his hand on yours, fingers curling around the edge of your palm. “And since its my birthday-”

Heat coursed through your entire body, along with sexual tension. It was poignant, the way he looked at you as if he wanted to throw you across the desk and spread your legs to devour you.

Steve’s eyes had reflected intense desire and want, his lips pursed as he looked you over and drew closer to the desk. There was an unrelenting need to feel you pressed against him, to feel you quake as he filled you and fucked you, and made you scream his name.

“Captain,” your voice wavered as you legs shook, unable to truly breath when you noticed him walking around the desk, “what can I do for you?”

Steve pulled your chair out from under your desk, turning you to face him. He kept his hands on the arm rests and leaned in, trapping you between the chair and his chest. His eyes dropped to your mouth and back again, his teeth tugging on his bottom lip.

“Wear something pretty for me,” you knew exactly what he meant even before he lift a hand from the arm rest to toy with the buttons of your shirt, “something you think I’d like.”

Your breath wavered, your back arched against his father light touch and you swore he could feel the heat that was radiating from between your legs.

“What does a man like you want for your birthday?” Your asked airily, unable to catch your breath.

Steve hummed, the sound akin to a husky purr had stirred a reaction in your body that created wetness between your thighs.

“What I want?” His lips barely grazed yours, and his hand fell further down your chest. “You know exactly what I want, doll.”

[pastpatientlywaitingforimagines]

Wormhole | Spencer Reid x Reader Platonic

WC: 10k

A/N: This is a comfort fic disguised as a CM episode. Also, I had a lot of fun writing this.

WARNINGS: Kidnapping, murder, general CM things, hospitals, mentions of blood, psychopaths

You weren’t normally nervous to talk to Agent Aaron Hotchner. Sure, he was your boss, but he had also been leading the BAU for so long that you always trusted his reactions and motives. Still, the reason you had asked him to meet was so far out of left field that you were nervous he would tell you you were insane.

You were the first one in the office for the morning, perching on your desk in the empty bullpen while you waited for Hotch to arrive. You stood up when he entered the office, but waited to move until he made it to his office door and beckoned you to follow him inside.

“Good morning, (y/n).”

“Morning, Hotch,” you stood awkwardly in front of his desk, clutching the file in your hands.

“Please, sit. Is everything ok?” As soon as you made eye contact with him, your nerves settled. Everything about his behavior showed that he was genuinely concerned for you and interested in what you had to say. You took a deep breath, sliding the file onto his desk.

“I was looking into this cold case from the eighties, in Illinois. Mia-Rose Horn, 16, found murdered under a bridge. I have a theory, and I was hoping I could take a couple of days to go check it out.” You bit your lip while he picked up the file, thumbing through it.

“What’s your theory?”

“The only suspects considered were older transients in the area because the town was so biased against migrant workers. My preliminary research shows that the unsub profiles as younger, someone who knew the victim and her family personally. It feels like there’s a piece of the puzzle missing, and I think victimology can really help this case. I’d like to visit the dumpsite and walk the crime scene. I’d also like to go through the evidence to see if I can narrow it down a little more, and possibly do updated DNA analysis. I’ve already contacted the lead detective, he said it would be fine if I went out there.”

Hotch was quiet for a minute, reading the case information from the file. The longer you sat in silence, the more you feared he would say no. Finally, he closed the file and handed it back to you, “the FBI wasn’t invited in on this case when it was active, how did you find it?”

You blushed, hard. “I was watching a cold case documentary and when they talked about this one it just didn’t feel right, so I asked Garcia to pull the file. Once I looked it over more I realized my hunch was correct. They barely built a profile and the one they did make was wrong.”

“Do you work on cold cases often?”

“I’ve only worked on it when we don’t have an active case and I’m caught up on my paperwork, it makes me feel like I’m still making a difference when things are slow here.”

Hotch nodded, “you’re a good agent, (y/n). I trust that you’ll represent the BAU well. I can’t let you take the jet but you’re welcome to an SUV. However, as soon as we get an active case it takes priority. Do you understand?”

You stood up quickly, excitedly gripping at the file, “Yes sir, of course. Thank you so much. I promise I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t think I could do something. I won’t let you down, sir.” Hotch smiled softly at your energy. You had reached for the door handle before he spoke again, calling after you.

“(y/n),” you turned, hand still on the doorknob, “take Reid with you, I assume he knows the details of this case, too?” You nodded quickly, practically bouncing back to your desk with excitement. You checked the clock, Spencer would probably arrive in the next ten minutes or so, giving you time to arrange everything you’d need for the trip.

As soon as he stepped out of the elevator, you were waiting for him, go bag in hand.

“Hotch said you could go?”

“Not only that, he said you could come with me,” you smirked, falling in step next to him as he walked to his desk.

“Really?”

“We’re leaving now, so get your go bag.” You did a little happy dance as he started to gather his things.

“Ooh! Where are you going?” Penelope joined you at Spencer’s desk, hot cup of coffee in her hands.

“(y/n) is solving a cold case, we’re going out to Illinois to get more information.”

“The one I pulled for you? You actually solved it? Is there anything you can’t do?” Penelope asked in disbelief. Just last week she had explained to you why she was convinced you were a superhero.

You laughed brightly, “I don’t know if I can solve it yet, that’s why I need to go check it out for myself. Yes, I’ll call you if I need anything,” you answered when she opened her mouth to speak again. She hugged both you and Spencer before you left, making you promise you’d call her with updates and letting you know she’d call the detective to let him know you were on your way.

In true Spencer fashion, he had brought enough audiobooks to last the whole drive. You didn’t mind, your brain was more focused on driving. You didn’t talk about the case until you were nearing the end of the twelve hour road trip. Spencer was the one to bring it up, turning down the volume knob on the console.

“How are you feeling about this?”

“To be honest, Spence, I haven’t really been listening.”

“I meant about the case,” he chuckled.

“I’m trying not to get my hopes up. It’s been a cold case for over three decades for a reason, you know?”

“We wouldn’t be in Illinois right now if you weren’t on to something. Instincts exist for a reason, and your instincts are usually right.”

You fiddled with the air conditioning vents absentmindedly, “I don’t want to dredge up old wounds for the family and the town unless I’m absolutely certain I can bring some closure to them as well. The detective is the only person who knows we’re coming. I don’t want to start interviewing witnesses until I know I can do something to help.”

Spencer nodded, “I’ll follow your lead, you just tell me what you need.”

You spent the rest of the time discussing the details of the case, Spencer looking over the file again while you navigated to the police office. Having Spencer with you made you feel a lot better. You knew the case front to back, but this was your first time leading an investigation and you didn’t want to accidentally miss something in the file out of nervousness. Spencer’s eidetic memory and genius brain would keep you on track and ask you questions you knew would only help you in the grand scheme of things. Spencer was also your best friend, your biggest supporter. Any considerations he had would always come from a place of love and mutual respect.

When you arrived at the police station it was late in the evening, but the detective was waiting for you. He was an older man, tall and mostly bald.

“Hi, you must be Agent (y/l/n). Nice to finally meet you in person.”

“Detective Reeves, nice to finally meet you, too. This is my partner, Doctor Reid.” Spencer brought a hand up to wave. “Thanks for letting us take a look at this.”

“Thanks for making the drive out here. This case…” he sighed, “Mia-Rose went missing two months after I started this job and I’ve been hunting her killer ever since. It’s been thirty two years, a fresh pair of eyes will do this case good. It’ll do the whole town good if you can see somethin’ I haven’t.”

“We’ll see what we can do,” you said, not wanting to promise any results to him. “Is there a room we can set up in?”

“I’ve brought all of the evidence to our conference room. Use it for as long as you need.”

“Thanks,” you took off to the door that he had pointed at, Spencer on your heels. He shut the door behind you, dropping his bag on a chair while you picked up examination gloves.

The next few hours were spent meticulously going over the evidence that had been collected. You occasionally made comments to Spencer about where the item had come from and any notes that had already been documented about it.

The clock had just passed midnight when you were ready to move on to the next part of your investigation. You wanted to walk the dumpsite, but it would be useless to go while it was still dark. Instead, you retreated to a small motel at Spencer’s insistence that you needed sleep.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to shut my brain off enough to actually sleep,” you confessed once you were wearing sweatpants and leaning up against the headboard of the bed.

Spencer wandered out of the bathroom, giving you the softest look as he sat down next to you.

“What are you thinking about the most?”

“The evidence told me exactly what I thought it would, but I can’t build a decent mental picture of what happened until I see the dump site. What if I get there and it still doesn’t make sense? What if I’m in too deep on this one, Spence?”

“This case has been cold for thirty years, it can wait one more night. You are an incredible FBI agent. You’re an incredible human, at that. I know you can handle this, and Hotch knows you can handle this, too. If you aren’t able to solve it, you’re not letting anyone down. It’s been a cold case for a reason, I’m sure you’ll solve the next one.”

“Logically I know you’re right, but that isn’t making sleep happen any easier,” you sighed, sinking down onto a pillow. You could tell from Spencer’s expression that he had an idea when he reached up, turning off the lamp beside him and laying down next to you in the dark.

“This is called Image Distraction, all you have to do is close your eyes, try to relax, and listen to my voice.”

“Are you hypnotizing me?” you giggled into the darkness, feeling like a small kid at a sleepover with their best friend.

“No, it’s just a strategy to help you fall asleep. I’m going to describe a scene to you and the idea is that it takes up enough space in your brain to prevent you from re-engaging with other thoughts. Hypnosis doesn’t actually put you to sleep, just in a trance that seems like you’re sleeping. It’s been proven to help change habits and thoughts around sleeping though. There was a study done in 2010-”

“Is that what I’m supposed to be picturing? I’m seeing dudes in lab coats and creepy hospital walls.”

You felt the mattress shake next to you as Spencer laughed.

“No, that wasn’t it. I’m going to start now, picture a waterfall. As you walk closer it gets louder, pounding onto the rocks below it and spraying a mist into the air. The droplets of water stick to your face. You can see a rainbow that touches the pool at the base of the waterfall. The plants growing around the pool of water are greener than emeralds, bright and shining in the sun…”

That was the last thing you remembered him saying before succumbing to sleep. You had a very vivid dream while you were sleeping, not uncommon for someone in your field, but it wasn’t one you had had before.

There was a teenage girl walking in front of you down a long hallway. You instantly recognized her as Mia-Rose. She turned around every so often, beckoning you to come closer, but no matter how fast you tried to move your feet it was impossible for you to catch up. The hallway was familiar, you realized it was one in Quantico that you walked down every day to get to the elevator. It took longer than normal to reach the end, and just when you thought you could catch up to Mia-Rose, Hotch stepped out in front of you, holding Spencer with one arm and holding his gun to your best friend’s temple with the other.

“You have to choose, (y/n).”

“Choose what?”

“One of them has to die. Him or her?” he moved his gun to point the barrel at Mia-Rose.

“I don’t understand, why can’t I save them both?”

“One of them has to die.”

It only took you a moment to consider, “me. Shoot me. Let them live.”

“Brave choice,” Hotch’s gun came to point at you and his finger squeezed the trigger.

You woke up.

Soft morning light was coming in through the window and Spencer was already awake, quietly tying his tie while perched on the edge of the bed.

“Morning,” he grinned when he noticed you watching him.

“Morning,” you panted, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from your eyes.

“You were dreaming.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Hotch made me choose between him shooting Mia-Rose or shooting you.”

“What did you choose?”

“I made him shoot me instead.”

You expected Spencer to launch into an analysis of your dream and what it meant, but instead he asked another question, changing the subject.

“Can we stop for coffee before we walk the dumpsite?” he pulled a blue cardigan out from his go bag and stuck his arms through the sleeves.

“Sure,” you said, stretching as you stood up. While you got ready, Spencer found the nearest place to get coffee, and you stopped there before continuing on to the bridge where Mia-Rose’s body had been found thirty years ago.

“I’m too used to walking active crime scenes,” you murmured when you pulled over to the empty dumpsite. Normally dumpsites like this were taped off with officers present, as well as some news reporters and civilian gawkers. You were sure that it had looked like that when the crime had first happened, but now it was just a bridge that nobody thought about.

When you stepped out of the SUV you noticed a small memorial for Mia-Rose nailed to a tree, wilted and weathered flowers around it. You stopped for a minute to look at it, then continued through the brush to the overpass.

Mia-Rose had fallen off of the bridge onto the ground beneath, where you were standing now. Her death was originally ruled a suicide, which had slowed the investigation until her parents insisted she wasn’t suicidal and had her autopsied, revealing ligature marks and evidence of assault. Just from reading the file, you knew that her parents were right. She didn’t profile as suicidal, and if she was she could have jumped from further down the bridge into the flowing river to your right, not onto the ground where she likely would have survived.

“Mia-Rose was found right here,” you pointed, “and her belongings…” you turned to your left, Spencer moving from behind you to stand where the girl’s school backpack and shoes had been found, a handful of yards away.

“They were found next to this rock.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” you said, facing him from where you stood, “the ME found traces of motor oil on her skin, so she must have been transported in a car. That means the unsub was driving on this road, stopped here by the bridge, then tossed her over the side. Why not just toss her stuff after her?” After thinking in silence for a minute, you started moving. “Stay where you are,” you instructed Spencer as you climbed the embankment. Once you reached the bridge, you stood on the edge so you could see both locations of dump sites.

“Spence,” you called to him, “how long is the average car?”

“Anywhere between 10 and 18 feet, depending on the size of the vehicle,” he answered quickly. You positioned yourself in line with where Mia-Rose’s body was found, then paced out roughly fifteen feet, landing you almost squarely in line with where Spencer was standing down the hill.

“What are you thinking?”

“This might sound kind of out there, but what if there was a partner?”

Spencer furrowed his eyebrows, trying to figure out how you had gotten there. He climbed up to where you were standing before asking you about it, “what makes you think that?”

“Eyewitness accounts said they saw Mia-Rose in a car with a man the night she went missing, and they were both sitting in the front of the car, but that’s about all anyone can agree on. What if there was a second unsub sitting in the back? If I’m the unsub getting Mia-Rose out of the front, you’re taking her stuff out of the trunk and tossing it over the side,” you acted out.

“Which means my DNA should be on her belongings,” Spencer concluded, finishing your thought, “I’ll call the lab and start getting things processed.”

“Good idea, I’m going to call Garcia and then we can head back to the station,” you said, pulling out your own phone as Spencer took a step away to make his call.

“Crimefighter! What have you’ve got?” Garcia answered her phone quickly.

“Hey Penelope, can you go through the list of Mia-Rose’s family members and get me some updated contact info?”

“Of course! Did you get a lead? I knew you could solve this,” she rambled. You could hear the clicking of her keyboard as she multitasked.

“Not quite, just a better understanding of the situation. I want to start interviewing family members to really nail down victimology and see if they know of anyone who fits my profile. Spencer’s calling the lab to get some evidence re-examined. When they send you results can you run them through CODIS?”

“Absolutely. Anything else?”

“That’s it for now, thanks Garcia.”

“Anytime, my love. I just sent the updated contacts to your tablet. Garcia out!”

Spencer was waiting for you in the SUV, once you finished your call with Garcia you drove back to the station. Detective Reeves assigned an officer to help you call the family members and invite them in for interviews.

“Mrs. Horn, thank you for coming in to talk with us,” you said gently to the elderly woman sitting across from you.

“Anything to help you find my little girl’s killer. Do you really think you can solve it?”

“We’re trying our best. Any information you can give us will make our job easier. Mia-Rose was walking home from school when she went missing, and was later seen getting into a blue car. Is there anyone she would have willingly accepted a ride home from?”

“No, she always walked, rain or shine so she could say hello to the neighbors on her way home. Except for Tuesdays, my brother Dylan would drive her home from band practice on Tuesdays because it was after dark.”

You exchanged a glance with Spencer, silently acknowledging that Mia-Rose was abducted on a Friday.

“Did she have any enemies? Anyone who would want to hurt her, bullies or friends she might have had a falling out with?”

“No, she was sweet to everyone. That’s why it was such a shock to the town when she was killed. There wasn’t a soul who hadn’t been touched by her kindness.” Mrs. Horn spoke so highly of her daughter, further validating your theory.

“Let’s take a break,” you said, noting the way she was tearing up, “excuse us.” You stepped out of the room with Spencer.

“We should talk to Dylan,” he said once you were out of earshot of Mrs. Horn.

“I agree. He was interrogated by police when Mia-Rose first went missing, but I don’t think he’s a suspect. His alibi was rock solid, but he might know something about what happened.”

You had the detective bring in Mrs. Horn’s brother, Dylan Godfrey. While he agreed to an interview, he was much less cooperative than Mrs. Horn.

“I told the police thirty years ago, I had nothing to do with it,” he drawled, “I was at home with my wife, God rest her soul. I didn’t even have my car to kidnap Mia if I wanted to.”

“Where was your car?” Spencer asked quickly.

“My boy had it, out with his friends. He had just gotten his driver’s license. You know how kids are, impossible to control.”

This was the first you were hearing of his son. Nowhere in the records from the original investigation did it say Dylan Godfrey had a son, let alone a son who’s whereabouts were unknown on the night of the crime.

“Mr. Godfrey, let me ask you this. How old was your son the year Mia-Rose was murdered?”

“Eighteen.”

“Do you know where he was that night?”

“Out, like I said. He didn’t come home until after two o’clock in the morning.”

“Do you know where he is now?”

“Last I knew he was working on a farm just out of town, the McGilroy’s place.”

As soon as Spencer had gotten the information out of him, you were firing off texts to Garcia. She sent you the address of the farm, and you called her once you were en route.

“You’re on speaker, Garcia. What have you found about this guy and why didn’t we know about him before?”

“I’ve been asking myself the same question. He wasn’t included in any of the original witness statements. I’ve barely been able to find information about him online. I know he’s still alive because I don’t have a death certificate, but other than that no home address, no phone number, no nothing. Everything I know about him is from his childhood, before Mia-Rose went missing.”

“Something is better than nothing, what did you find?”

“Daniel Godfrey, born in 1965 to Mary and Dylan Godfrey. He was a decent kid from what I can tell. He got good grades in school, even got a scholarship to a college in Chicago but he turned it down at the last minute. I’ll hit you back if I figure out why.”

“Thanks Garcia,” you chirped before she hung up. You pulled up the long dirt drive of the McGilroy’s farm, putting the SUV in park and getting out. Spencer was by your side in an instant, you noticed the way his hand rested on his revolver.

“My goal is to get him in for a voluntary interview. If we can get him talking, we can figure out what happened that night and why his known locations on that night fit our timeline. Best case, we get a confession and the name of his partner, worst case, he had nothing to do with it and we’re back where we started.”

Spencer nodded, so you reached up to knock on the door. After a moment, a blonde woman opened the door.

You flashed your credentials, “hi, I’m SSA (y/l/n) with the FBI, we’re looking for Daniel Godfrey and we were told he might be here.”

“He’s out back in the barn,” she said, pointing down a gravel path.

“Thanks so much,” Spencer said as you stepped off the porch. You reached the barn and pushed open the large door, revealing a man inside. He was carrying a bucket of water that he poured into a trough for a horse before acknowledging you.

“What can I do ya for?”

“Are you Daniel Godfrey?” you asked.

“Depend’s who’s asking,” he chuffed, wiping his hands on his dirty coveralls. You held up your credentials.

“I’m Agent (y/l/n) and this is Doctor Reid. We’re with the FBI investigating the murder of your cousin, Mia-Rose Horn. We were hoping you’d come in to the station so we could get some more information about her.”

“What kinda information? Mia’s been dead a long time now.”

You had to play this carefully, one wrong word and he wouldn’t voluntarily interview with you, “your father told us you were out with friends the night she disappeared. We were hoping you could tell us what town was like that night and if you saw anything unusual.”

“You talked to my father? I can tell ya right now, it was quiet. Just like any other night in this town.”

“Great, that’s exactly the kind of information we’re looking for. Would you be able to come with us to the station so we can get that statement through the official channels? While we’re there I’d like to ask you a few more questions, if that’s ok.”

“Are ya saying I’m being arrested?”

“No, not at all. This is completely voluntary.”

Daniel fell silent, considering your offer. When he finally spoke again it was gruff and hostile, “will my old man still be there?”

You exchanged a glance with Spencer, hoping he had a better read on what answer would be your best choice. Spencer’s tongue flickered over his lips, then he cautioned a response, “he’s there right now, will that be a problem?”

Daniel looked dejected, scuffing his feet in the hay below his boots, “not unless he makes it a problem.”

“We’ll make sure that doesn’t happen. Our car is out front, is there anything you need to do before we go?”

Daniel shook his head and quietly followed you and Spencer back to the SUV. He didn’t say much while you were driving back to the police station, and neither did you. You escorted Daniel inside the station, walking quickly past where his father was sitting, still talking to the officer Reeves had assigned to your case. Dylan stood up when he noticed his son, but Daniel just kept his head down and quickened his pace. You brought him to an interrogation room, a small space with just a table and a couple of chairs.

“You can wait here, we just have to go collect some materials and then we’ll be back, alright?”

“Whatever,” Daniel said, taking the seat closest to the door. You stepped out, shutting the door behind you.

“Did you see the way Dylan reacted when he saw Daniel?” you asked Spencer quietly. He nodded.

“Did you see the way Daniel reacted when he saw Dylan?”

“Do you think it’s relevant to this case? I don’t want to waste time asking about it if it’s just some squabble they had once. Hotch said I could only work this case until we got an active one back at Quantico, and you and I both know serial killers don’t take extended vacations.”

Spencer considered the situation, you could almost see the gears turning in his mind, “it might be a way we can get him comfortable talking to us, irrelevant or not. This is the best lead we have. Just like you said earlier, you have to get him talking.”

You trusted Spencer’s opinion, not just because he was your best friend, but because he had led his fair share of interrogations during his time in the FBI. He was really good at it, his accelerated mind picking up patterns of words and behaviors that you could only be envious of.

“What do you mean ‘I’ have to get him talking? I thought this was a team effort.”

“It is, but you have to lead this interrogation.”

You weren’t surprised at his statement, but you resented the fact that he was right. Your favorite part of your job was the quick thinking, the on-the-fly deductions you had to make in the field that helped you put all of the clues together. You liked helping people and actively putting bad guys away for the greater good of the country you served. You were good at your job, too, having spent so much time developing your skills with arguably some of the best agents in the Bureau. You couldn’t not be good at your job surrounded by minds like the ones at the BAU.

Like everyone though, there were some aspects of your career that you were better at than others. You usually excelled in the takedown and arrests of suspects and left the mind games to your colleagues that were much better equipped to handle them. Sure, you could talk a suspect into putting their weapon down instead of pointing it at you or a victim, but that was a heat of the moment interaction. Cool, collected interrogation rooms just weren’t your strong suit, and nothing during your time at the BAU so far had changed it.

“You really think I can do this?”

“Absolutely. You have the skills, knowledge, and rapport to conduct this interview,” Spencer showed no hesitation in his answer.

“Promise to let me know if I’m going down the wrong rabbit hole?”

Spencer smiled, “of course. Let’s go solve this case.” He handed you a sheet of paper, a form for Daniel to sign with his Miranda rights on it.

Once you were seated across from Daniel, you handed him the paper and read him his rights.

“If you don’t mind me asking, Daniel, what happened between you and your father?”

Daniel’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked back and forth between you and Spencer, “what kind of FBI agents are you?”

“We’re with the Behavioral Analysis Unit in Quantico, Virginia. We use psychology to solve crimes. I hope my question wasn’t intrusive, Doctor Reid and I both just noticed the way your behavior changed when you saw your father. He’s been helpful in our investigation and I don’t want any family conflicts to interfere if you’re going to help us too.”

“We had a disagreement.”

“Just a disagreement?” you pressed carefully.

“Just a disagreement.”

“Alright,” you said, deciding to leave it at that and move on. He was giving you too much resistance for the direction you had wanted to take the conversation, so you changed the subject. If his disagreement with his father was relevant to the case, you’d have to get that information out of him another way.

You started off by asking about Mia-Rose and gathering any information Daniel had about her. At first he was reluctant, just explaining that they saw each other during family gatherings and when his father would drive them both home from band practice.

“You went to the same high school then, if you were in band together?”

“Uh huh. It’s a small town, everyone goes to the same school.”

“Can you tell us about who Mia-Rose spent time with? Who were her friends?”

“Everyone was her friend. She was the friendliest kid in school.”

“Who were your friends?” Spencer asked, tilting his head. It wasn’t a question you had thought to ask, but as soon as he did you saw where he was going.

“Does it matter?”

“It does to me,” Spencer answered.

“Alec Krause, Markus Sparrow, Nicolas Rush,” Daniel listed.

“Where are they now?” you asked while Spencer pulled out his phone, presumably to text Garcia for a background check, “are you still in contact with them?”

“They all moved out of town for college. Haven’t seen or talked to ‘em since,” Daniel shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

“You were supposed to go to college, in Chicago, right?” you prompted. Daniel’s eyes flickered between you and Spencer, probably wondering how much about him you knew.

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you go?”

“Got a job at the farm,” he shrugged.

“Daniel, I’m going to be real with you,” you squared up, “I’ve seen plenty of small towns in this job. I’ve talked to many people from small towns just like this one, and almost all of them in your position would have taken the out. They would have moved to the city as soon as they got the chance, so why didn’t you? Why did you choose to stay in this town?”

“I didn’t have a choice,” Daniel was quick to correct you.

“You didn’t?” Now you were on to something.

“The disagreement I had with my father was about me leaving. He wouldn’t let me leave, so he got me the job at the farm.”

“Alright, let’s take a break,” you said, standing up and stepping out of the room. Spencer exchanged a few words with Daniel, then followed you out.

“That was big,” you panted, trying to shake out the jump of adrenaline that you were feeling.

“You’re doing great,” Spencer confirmed.

“When Dylan was talking about his son earlier, during his interview, it seemed like he didn’t have control over Daniel. What was it he said, ‘you know how kids are’? Something must have changed to make Daniel listen to his father telling him to stay, something that changed after Mia-Rose was murdered.”

Right before you were going to go back into the interrogation room, your phone rang. Hotch’s name lit up the screen.

“Hold on, Spence. (y/l/n),” you answered, praying that Hotch wasn’t going to tell you to abandon the case and get back to Quantico right when you were making strides.

“I’m just checking in to see how things are going.”

“We’re talking to a person of interest right now, it’s just very slow going. We think he had been working with a partner when the murder took place, but he’s not giving up names,” you explained, “please don’t tell me we have a case that we have to come back for, we just got a break that might open this case up for us.”

Hotch chuckled on the other end of the line, “no, we don’t have a case. Garcia told me you had a lead and I was curious.”

“Honestly, I don’t know how you were a prosecutor before joining the BAU. This is exhausting, and every time I say something I feel like he’s going to invoke.”

“You’re doing fine,” Spencer whispered reassuringly.

“Spencer says I’m doing fine,” you relayed to Hotch.

“I’m sure you are. Sometimes unsubs like this take time to crack,” he reminded you.

“It’s already been thirty years, I’d like to close it now,” you decided, squaring your shoulders. “I’m going to go back in there and wrap this up. I’ll call you back when we’re done.” You hung up with Hotch, then turned to Spencer. “Let’s do this.”

Daniel seemed to tense up when you walked back in, sitting down across the table from him once again.

“Thanks for being patient, Daniel. I’d like to know why your father wouldn’t let you leave town. From what he told us, he gave you a lot of freedom in high school. What happened?”

“We had a disagreement, like I said.”

“Right, we’ve covered that. It must have been hard going from being able to do whatever you wanted to working a farm job under your father’s thumb. I was hoping you could tell us exactly what kind of disagreement. Was it because Mia-Rose was murdered?” Daniel nodded, “ok, that’s a start. Was there a specific reason beyond Mia-Rose’s murder?”

Your tactic was deliberate, validating his feelings before pressing harder in hopes that he would give something up.

“He didn’t want me getting into more trouble.”

“More trouble? As in, you got into trouble here first?”

“Correct.”

“We don’t have any police records for you, Mr. Godfrey. Usually that’s the kind of ‘trouble’ that stops kids from going to college,” Spencer chimed in.

“The police don’t know I was there.”

“Where?” Your question was burning hot, and you watched Daniel squirm as he realized he had dug himself into a hole.

“I was in the car.”

“Which car?” you hoped he meant the car you thought he did, but you needed a true confession.

“My father’s car…” you chose not to say anything and instead let him sit in uncomfortable silence, “the night Mia was killed.”

“With her? Was Mia in the car with you?”

“Yes, she was.”

You had to maintain your composure, even though your insides were doing cartwheels out of excitement. This was exactly the kind of lead you were looking for, you couldn’t blow it now.

“Your father said you were out with friends, were any of the people you mentioned earlier with you? Alec, Markus, and Nicholas?”

“No, it wasn’t with them.”

“Who else was in the car then, Daniel? It wasn’t just you and Mia-Rose.”

“I don’t remember,” he started backpedaling, a clear sign that you were closing in.

“We’re going to step out and give you some time to think about it, see if you can try to remember,” Spencer interrupted before you could say anything, nodding towards the door when you made eye contact with him. You followed him out, turning to him abruptly once the door was shut behind you.

“I was getting somewhere with him.” You were fired up, to say the least. Now that you were in the comfortable privacy of Spencer’s company, you could let your emotions come forward.

“I know, I know,” Spencer smirked, “Garcia got a hit with Daniel’s friends, we should call and see what she has so we have more leverage when we go back in there.”

You took a deep breath, pulling out your phone and calling Garcia.

“Boy Wonder got my text!” she answered after the first ring.

“What did you find, Garcia? We’re really making strides here and anything you’ve got could really close this for us.”

“I ran the names of Daniel’s friends, like you asked. Almost all of them checked out, normal guys with normal lives.”

“Almost all of them?” you caught the specificity of her words.

“Right. One of them, Markus, he checks out too… but his brother, oh my his brother has done some stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?” Spencer asked, brows furrowed in thought.

“Kyle Sparrow. When he was 11 he attempted to rob a bank, and not just as a joke. When he was 14 he was suspended from school after locking students in storage closets. He’s been in and out of jail his whole adult life. He got out a year ago and hasn’t been back since.”

“That fits our profile. How old was he when Mia-Rose was killed?” Spencer followed up.

“That’s where things get weird, I was hoping you guys would have a good explanation because this really doesn’t make sense.”

“Garcia,” you called, refocusing her.

“Right. Kyle Sparrow was 10 years old when Mia-Rose was murdered.”

“What?” you whipped around to look at Spencer incredulously, hoping he would have some kind of information about child serial killers that would clarify the situation. Instead, he just frowned and shook his head. You had to decide if it was worth bringing up to Daniel and risk wasting precious time. You considered for a moment, then spoke. “Send us his address, we’re going to ask Daniel about him. If he seems like a viable lead then we’ll head out there. Thanks Garcia.”

“Done and done. You’ve got this, crimefighters!”

“Are you ready to go back in there?” Spencer asked when you reached for the interrogation room door handle.

“Do I have a choice? This case just took a turn that I wasn’t expecting.”

“It’s been four hours and thirty six minutes. We can take another minute to get coffee if you need a longer break,” he suggested.

“I’m too close to cracking this. I can feel it,” you confessed. Spencer nodded, acknowledging that your gut feelings were usually right. You opened the door, sitting back down across from Daniel. Spencer stood in the corner behind you, hands in his pockets.

“Did you remember who was in the car with you the night Mia-Rose was murdered?” Daniel shook his head. “Ok, that’s fine. I have some names that we’ve collected as people of interest for this case. I’m going to read them off and you tell me if one sounds familiar, ok?” Daniel nodded, so you opened your file and pulled out a blank piece of paper, holding it so Daniel couldn’t see the lack of information on your side.

“Emily Prentiss.”

He shook his head.

“Derek Morgan.”

Again, nothing.

“Penelope Garcia.”

Your list was intentional, listing people you were certain Daniel wouldn’t know so you could get a baseline for his behavior. It paid off when you listed the next name, “Kyle Sparrow.”

You could practically see Daniel tense up. Though he shook his head, his leg started bouncing nervously and his eyes were flickering frantically around the room, looking anywhere but at you and Spencer.

“Daniel,” you started, keeping your voice low, “remember when I told you Doctor Reid and I use psychology and behavior to solve crimes? You may not have noticed it, but your behavior shifted when you heard Kyle’s name. You know something about him, don’t you? Was he in the car with you that night?”

Daniel finally looked up at you, eyes watering, “I’m not a criminal.”

“I didn’t say you were. Was Kyle in the car with you the night Mia-Rose was murdered?”

“He was just a kid, my best friend’s little brother. We were out in my dad’s car, I had just gotten my license so I skipped class and took Markus and Alec for a spin around town. When I dropped them off back home Kyle said he was lookin’ to go across town to the library so I offered him a ride. I even made him sit in the back because he was still just a small kid. Then we saw Mia walking home. It always took her longer because she stopped to say hi to everyone she passed. Kyle suggested we offer her a ride too, so I did.

“It all happened so fast, first she was getting into the car and then Kyle had a knife at her throat. He told me he’d kill her if I didn’t do what he wanted. He made me drive out of town to the woods and watch as he tied her up and did horrible, horrible things to her. I didn’t even know a kid was capable of doing those things. When he was done with her he made me help put her back in the car and drive to the bridge. She wasn’t dead when he made me push her over the edge, that’s why I didn’t throw her in the river. I thought she’d survive it without Kyle knowing because he was too busy getting rid of her stuff in the trunk. He still made me drop him off at the library after, even though it was closed on account of it being real late at night, and swear that I’d never tell anyone what we did or he’d kill me too.”

“How did your father find out?” you asked.

“He found blood in the car the next morning. I told him it was from Markus, that he had gotten scratched up while we were messing around in the afternoon. He made me clean it out with bleach, told me I’d have to learn responsibility if I wanted to move out. When my auntie called him later and told him about Mia being missing, he connected the dots. He told me he didn’t want to know what I had been doing the night before, but if I tried to move away it would make me a suspect. He got me the job at the farm and I’ve been there ever since.”

“Thank you for your honesty, Daniel. We’ll tell the court how cooperative you’ve been, they might ease your sentence because of it.”

“The court? What?” Pure fear crossed Daniel’s face. It didn’t sit right with you that he had to be arrested, knowing he had been coerced into helping murder his cousin, but he had still committed a felony. You had to let the court decide his fate.

“Daniel Godfrey, you’re under arrest for accessory to the murder of Mia-Rose Horn,” Spencer moved behind Daniel, taking his hands to cuff them. As soon as he was done Daniel was passed off to an officer and you and Spencer took off, SUV keys in hand.

You sped towards the home address Garcia had sent you for Kyle Sparrow, wishing the rest of the team was there so you could split up in case he was at work. This part of your job was where you felt the most comfortable, the tactical side of an arrest that was more physical than the mind games you had just played in the interrogation room. It was just starting to rain, a light drizzle that darkened the skies as you drove to what you hoped was your final location for this case.

“Is there Kevlar in the back?” you asked, realizing you hadn’t gotten vests from the police station before you had left. Spencer turned around in his seat, checking around the vehicle.

“Nope.”

“Great,” you sighed, “let’s try not to get shot at then, alright?”

“Sounds good to me,” Spencer agreed.

You pulled up to Kyle’s house, which was more of a rundown shack on the outskirts of town. You drew your weapon as soon as your boots were on the ground, approaching the door cautiously.

“Where’s Morgan when you need him,” you mumbled, hoping you wouldn’t have to kick the door down, “Kyle Sparrow, FBI,” you announced, knocking on the door. A gunshot flew through the window next to you, shattering the glass. That was all the invitation you needed to bust open the door, but Kyle wasn’t in the room inside. You moved quickly through the maze of rooms, taking one side while Spencer took the other.

“Clear,” you called every time you ensured a room was empty. You heard Spencer clear a couple of spaces, then fall silent. You worked your way to the kitchen, finding him in a standoff with Kyle.

“I’m not going to jail again. You can’t make me,” Kyle seemed unreasonably calm, grinning slightly to himself while he pointed a pistol at Spencer.

“You’re wanted for the murder of Mia-Rose, Kyle. There’s no way to get out of this one,” you had to keep things simple for him and talk him down as quickly as possible before he shot at you again, “let’s just talk about it.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not going to jail for a person I killed thirty years ago.”

“There’s no other option. We know it was you, this ends here.”

“If I have to go back, it has to be for something better. You’re right, this ends here, but not because I killed Mia-Rose Horn.”

“How does it end, Kyle?” Spencer asked. You noticed the glint in Kyle’s eye, giving you a split second to push Spencer out of the way and get hit with a searing pain in your side. You heard Spencer’s revolver fire as you hit the floor.

“Get him first,” you grunted, putting a hand on your side to try to stem the bleeding. Spencer crouched next to you, worried eyes looking you over before he pulled your handcuffs out of your pocket. Your ears were ringing, but you could just make out the sounds of Spencer talking before you blacked out.

You woke up in the hospital, an all too familiar experience. Spencer was beside you, nose in a book. You weren’t sure how much he was paying attention to it though, considering the way his brows were furrowed and his fingers were tapping against the cover. He was lost in thought somewhere, you just didn’t know where.

“Spence,” you managed to croak through your dry throat. His eyes shot up from the page, lips turning up in a small smile when his gaze met yours.

“Hi,” he practically whispered.

“Is Kyle dead?”

Spencer hesitated, no doubt weighing the value of telling you the outcome now or waiting until you were better rested. He chose the former, shaking his head.

“I did what you would have done and shot him in the hip. He’s not dead, and once he’s healed he’ll go to trial. You did it, (y/n). You solved the case.”

“We solved the case. I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“You also wouldn’t have gotten shot.”

“So?” you shrugged, “I lived. Where’s Garcia? Usually she’s the first one at the hospital.”

Spencer’s smile returned, “she wanted to but a case came in right right after you went into surgery. She sends her love and said she’d make up for not being here when we get back to Quantico.”

“A case? We should get back to help,” though you were exhausted, you brain immediately went into profiling mode.

“No, you’re going to stay here and rest. You should be staying for longer than you’re going to, but I was able to convince your doctor that I was more than capable of making sure you got home safely.”

“I didn’t realize you were a rule-breaker,” you teased, feeling your eyelids droop.

“I’m not, I just thought you would want to go home as soon as possible. You’re not the kind of person who likes being away from their family, and we’ve already been gone three days. Staying here doing nothing, although it would be good for you, would just torment you more.”

“Thanks, Spence,” you murmured, falling back to sleep. You dozed on and off for the better part of the day, Spencer staying by your side the whole time. Towards the end of the afternoon, you woke up to his seat vacant. The immediate panic you felt was squashed by calculated thoughts, he’s probably getting food or in the bathroom. You fought to stay awake while you waited for him to come back. He surprised you by returning with someone behind him.

“Mrs. Horn wanted to talk to you, if you’re feeling up for it,” he said, resuming his position in the chair next to you. You nodded, watching the older woman enter the room from where she had been standing in the doorway.

“I wanted to thank you for finding my daughter’s killer, even though it put you in the line of danger.”

“I’d do it again in a heartbeat,” you reassured her, sitting up a little against your pillows.

“I wish her father could have been here to see it solved. He always told me not to lose faith, that a blessing would come our way. You were our blessing,” she dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief.

“I was just doing my job, I’m sorry it took so long for someone to figure this out.”

Mrs. Horn tutted, telling you she was just glad that her daughter could rest in peace now. Before she left, she made sure to tell you that if you were ever in Illinois you and Spencer were welcome to come over for dinner, and that she hoped you got better quickly so you could go help other victims.

Once she was gone, your doctor came in to follow up with you. You had been shot in the side, the bullet passing through and exiting out of your back without hitting any major organs. Spencer did most of the talking for you, asking questions you couldn’t make sense of and checking over your chart for what was probably the hundredth time that day.

“You seem to be healing well and have a… knowledgable… support system, so I’m going to clear you for discharge. If anything changes you’ll need to go into the nearest hospital, ok?”

“Yes ma’am,” you answered. A nurse came in later with your discharge papers, which you signed before Spencer helped you in a wheelchair and out to where the SUV was parked.

“Are you sure you want to drive in this rain? I can-“ you winced in pain, hand flying to your side, “I can do it if you don’t feel comfortable.” Spencer stifled a laugh, reaching his hands out to give you something to brace yourself against as you moved from the wheelchair the SUV.

“I don’t mind driving,” he said simply.

“Yes you do,” you quipped quickly, exhaling as you settled into the passenger seat.

“Ok, yes. Under normal circumstances, I do mind driving, but I think I can make an exception when my favorite driver has been shot.”

“Don’t let Morgan hear you say that,” you smirked, still struggling to breathe in a way that would make your side hurt less.

“Are you warm enough?” Spencer fiddled with the heating knobs once he was settled behind the wheel. You nodded, but the shiver that ran down your body betrayed you.

“You’re the one driving. I want you to be comfortable,” you mumbled.

“You’re the one who just got shot. Here,” he reached behind him into the back where both of your go bags were stored. He unzipped his own and pulled out a cardigan, then leaned over the console to drape it across you. “The wool will help you retain heat.”

“Thanks,” you sighed, relishing in the comfort of his gesture.

“You didn’t have to take that bullet for me.”

“I did. I pulled you into this mess, I wasn’t going to let you get hurt because of it.”

“Hotch sent me with you so that you wouldn’t get yourself hurt,” he rebutted.

You brushed him off, “I’ve been shot before, I’m going to be fine.”

“I’ve also been shot before, you didn’t have to push me out of the way.”

You were quick to counter, “you didn’t have to push Blake out of the way either.”

It was an unnecessary squabble, a fact you both caught onto quickly once you realized the direction the conversation was going. Instead, Spencer changed the subject to explain the history of the small towns you were passing through on your way to the interstate.

Miraculously, once the car was comfortably cruising on the highway, Spencer fell silent. You suspected it had to do with his intense concentration on driving in the elements as the rain got harder, though he also could have been giving you the space to sleep if you needed to.

It wasn’t until you were over an hour into your journey that he spoke again, after a quick glance at you revealed fresh tear tracks down your cheeks under the passing street lights.

“(Y/n), are you crying?” His question was so soft you almost missed it, “is it the pain? You’re not due to take your meds for another three hours but I know you have ibuprofen in your bag that would be ok to take now. I can pull over-“ his hand was about to move back to the steering wheel from where it had come to rest on the console, but you reached out to grab it instead.

You and Spencer didn’t really ‘do’ physical contact. You both had reasons not to, instead finding comfort just in proximity. As long as he was around, you were happy. This time, though, it was different. Maybe it was because you were touch starved, or because you had just been poked and prodded at all angles while in the hospital. Whatever the reason, the light grip you had on Spencer’s hand to stop him from pulling over was enough to make you feel the tiniest bit better. He was there with you, he was real.

“It’s not the pain,” you managed to hold your composure, knowing that letting any kind of sob escape the confines of your soul would only physically hurt you more.

“Are you tired? I drank enough coffee to get us home by morning but if you really need to sleep we can find a hotel somewhere. There are three off the next exit.”

“Spencer,” you ran your thumb over the prominent vein in his hand, “it isn’t something you can fix.”

“What do you mean?” He was puzzled, and by the way his hands were twitching you could tell he was deciding whether or not to stop the car anyways.

“There are hundreds of thousands of cold cases. Hundreds of thousands of families that don’t have closure. Hundreds of thousands of victims that haven’t gotten justice.”

“There’s one less because of you. You made a difference to Mia-Rose’s family, you got her the justice she deserves.”

“She deserved justice thirty years ago. I feel like the system failed her, the very system I work for. She was just a kid, and the answer was right there the whole time. Why did I have to be the one to figure it out, thirty years too late?”

Spencer’s response was soft and gentle, “because you’re exceptional, (y/n).”

“I didn’t have to be exceptional to solve this case, though. That’s what I’ve learned from all of the cold case documentaries I’ve watched. The ones that get solved are because someone knew what happened and didn’t come forward about it until years later. There was a psychopathic kid on the streets for thirty years because the police didn’t think to talk to Daniel Godfrey.”

“We can’t change what happened in the past, but we can make a difference in our futures.”

“I’m just so tired, Spence. I chose this job, I love this job, but it’s exhausting.”

“Then rest, (y/n). It’s ok if the only person you save some days is yourself.”

He was right, of course. You wanted to keep saving others, but you couldn’t do that if you didn't make time to save yourself too. You finally closed your eyes and pulled his cardigan up to your chin. Though you were still conscious, limiting your sensory input helped calm you down enough that you found yourself flitting in and out of dissociation. Even when Spencer’s hand gently moved out from under yours to answer his phone, you kept your eyes closed.

“Hey JJ,” his voice was quiet, barely audible over the rain pounding against the windshield, “they’re doing ok.” He paused while he listened to JJ’s response. “No, they keep reminding me that it’s not the first time they’ve been shot. I’m worried about them though.” He trailed off.

“They’ve been shouldering this burden of over 185,000 cold cases since we started working on this one, and now that it’s solved they’re finally feeling the weight of it. I don’t want them to drive themselves crazy trying to solve all of them on their own. We deal with enough active cases as it is.”

Though you were barely in a state of mind to process his words, he had hit the nail right on the head.

“How is the case you’re working on?” You presumed JJ was filling him in on what they knew, “have Garcia look into large purchases of triacetone triperoxide… Call me if anything changes. We should be back by morning.”

“Yes,” his change in tone indicated that JJ had asked him a question, “that would be great, JJ. Thank you so much.”

He must have hung up with JJ because his hand found yours again, fingers just barely touching. It was a simple action, loaded with a lot of meaning. Spencer was your best friend, and would always be your best friend. Bullets, cold cases, marriages, there was nothing that could break the bond you had with him.

You didn’t understand why people called their significant others their “better half”. It insinuated that you weren’t a whole person to begin with, a fractured existence that only found completion by the means of someone else. The idea that your life couldn’t be fulfilling until someone else made it whole was a concept that was set up for failure and self-loathing.

Instead, you believed that you were a whole person who could live a fulfilling life without the necessity of another. Instead, you surrounded yourself with people who lifted you up and helped you achieve your goals without being the direct cause of your success. Instead, you followed your dreams and somehow found Spencer Reid along the way.

Spencer was your best friend, your confidant, the one person who you knew you couldn’t live without, but he was not your other half. He was his own whole person, a mirror image of your own being. You found solace in his companionship, safety in the complexities of his brain. When the stress of your job got to be too much, you could reliably turn to each other and exist in the little slice of the world you called yours for a moment.

No, he was not your other half. He wasn’t even yours, for that matter, but he was there. He was there in a capacity that nobody else could achieve.

This is part of my GALAXY universe! If you liked this relationship, check out the MASTERLIST for more content!

Galaxy Taglist: @kermitsaysgayrights @niallthedancingharry @shadyladyperfection  @thatsonezesty13  @lexshead @ceeellewrites @howdycharlie @girlycakepops @fantastic-fans @canimarrypizzaornah @daisyflower138 @dyingrexx @taylormobley @bazzleslynn @tj-drinks-tea @willa-wonky @eddiesbifocals @tee-mbrown @reniescarlett @bone-hurty-bitch @messyacademia

[cosmicheromp3]

let’s talk about snowbirds don’t fly for a second, shall we: the arc where roy’s addiction was first introduced, and how it actually affected the relationship between roy and ollie.

people’s perception of snowbirds don’t fly and the events surrounding it is so... weird, to the point where it often makes me wonder whether they’ve actually read the comic (and roy’s appearances right after, but i realize those might be less known) or whether they’re just going off a few very specific panels and inaccurate recounts – usually from people that will twist anything in their favour to call ollie a bad guy.

because, if you pieced together what most people seem to think happened – and this is what i was expecting to find once i decided to read it myself –, in snowbirds we should see: roy, not yet an adult and still under the active care of ollie, starts using drugs, and oliver’s so caught up in himself and negligent that he doesn’t notice what’s happening. when he finally finds out, he lashes out, hits roy and kicks him out of the house, leaving roy without a home. this makes their relationship crumble, and roy starts hating ollie because of it. they don’t speak to each other, and leave in awful terms.

and... in many aspects, that’s so far from the events you'll see if you actually go read green lantern #85 (snowbirds don’t fly) and #86 (they say it’ll kill me... but then won’t say when!). i’m assuming a lot of misconceptions happen because of a) writers with a grudge against ollie who retroactively, and unfairly, painted him in a bad light, and people took this at face value, and b) retcons that came with the new 52 reboot – but, i'll be honest, i don’t care enough to go read that mess even for this post. in general, i’m pretty sure we all agree that we ignore out of character comics; let’s not make roy and ollie the exception to that, yeah?

first i want to get something out of the way, that i feel like i need to mention even though there’s probably people that have talked about it better than i could. when we analyze this comic we should keep in mind that the characters in the story were meant to fill specific roles for the sort of... PSA comic that dc was trying to make, and in the 70s, at that. considering this, both roy and ollie are plot devices.

the creative team behind the story (o’neil and adams) have said that they chose roy to be the average “good” teen who fell into drugs – as a way to say “this could happen to anyone, even to this reputable superhero”. ollie was the caring but imperfect parent who missed the signs – not abusive but distant at the moment, he was meant to be more like a nudge to parents to pay closer attention. it was written to play as a sort of “this could happen to the best of us” situation. and in that context, ollie is made to react in a way that is at most "not ideal" for the standards of its time: he hits roy, and denies to himself that roy’s addiction is a real problem that needs to be dealt with delicately. this is used to send the message of “don’t react like this”.

that isn’t exactly the point of this post, and i don’t want to downplay the harm ollie did with his reaction or absolve him of any blame. the point of this post is: people seem to think that’s where the storyline ended, that was ollie’s final reaction, and those are the terms in which ollie and roy parted; which is just not true.

instead, ollie hitting roy happens in the very first page of green lantern #86 – we have an entire issue in which ollie is faced with his initial reaction and made to confront his mistake (which is more than we can say for, um, other father superheroes that have hit their children. i won’t name names.) the only moment you could read as him “kicking roy out” – which is the phrasing i’ve seen applied to this – happens the very next page, where ollie tells roy to “get out”.

the thing is, roy was not living with ollie at the moment. there was nowhere that ollie could kick him out from. “get out” means just that: get out of this room (and ollie didn’t intend anything more than that with his words.) the comic makes a point of stressing that roy is, by that point, independent, and old enough to be living without a guardian.

ollie, right after roy leaves, thinks: “but he shouldn’t need attention–at his age”. ollie is in the wrong here because of his close-minded view of addiction and because he’s not considering that, though a legal adult, roy is still young and needs care, but it still shows that roy was largely on his own by then. ollie’s reaction is definitively negative and a rejection, but can’t in any way be seen as “kicking roy out”, because it isn’t. (note, also, how ollie’s first thought is that he failed roy, but his denial and stubbornness get in the way and he shifts the blame. he’ll eventually have to get over this and change.)

we see that ollie plays the role of the father that reacts poorly, and he is directly contrasted with the adults who do take responsibility for roy – hal at first, and dinah after, are the ones who play the role of “this is how you should react.”

hal finds roy without knowing what happened between him and ollie, and his first reaction is to take roy to a doctor; he immediately recognizes that what roy needs is help – and will later say so to ollie. when roy refuses, saying he wants to kick the addiction on his own – to prove himself to ollie, because even though he doesn’t think ollie was right he still values his opinion and their relationship, but i’d say there’s something he’s trying to prove to himself, too –, hal recognizes that he doesn’t know anything about drug withdrawal or addiction, and he’s receptive to roy, asking him questions and listening without judgement.

so he takes roy to dinah, who is the one that (very kindly, might i add, because dinah and roy weren’t that close at the time) cares for roy while he goes cold turkey. roy, possibly rather unrealistically, though i’m no expert, kicks the addiction in the span of a few pages. before the ending of this arc, roy has already gone clean.

there’s a one week timeskip there, where we assume that out of the characters featured in this story, roy only interacts with dinah, and ollie’s been with hal. then, before the conclusion of this story, roy is given a place to confront ollie and call him out for his mistakes. roy calls him out for turning his back on him, and he gets to tell him – and show him, punching him in a scene where it’s implied that ollie completely deserves it, unlike the opposite situation that this issue started with – about the pain he’s been in. we are given, in text, a moment where roy can express to ollie what he’s been going through, what he did wrong, and how it affected him.

(this is a moment where the intentions of the comic are very clear, not only because roy practically turns to the camera to deliver the PSA, but also because of the wording: roy told ollie that he turned his back on him, and in the same page he talks about society turning its back on drug addicts, same wording twice. ollie and roy are both meant to represent something other than just themselves, even if this happened in continuity and ended up affecting their characters in the long run.)

and ollie – unlike in that first page, now ollie is shown to listen and understand. he’s not in the same place or mindset he was in when everything started. in the beginning, ollie thought that there must be something inherently bad about a person who does drugs, in a reflection of society’s – and parents’ – views of the issue. and that shows in his initial denial and reaction: ‘how could my son, who’s a good person, do this?’ then, in this scene, when roy tells him he beat the addiction, he answers “good boy” – roy immediately rejects this notion, and emphasizes that there’s more to it than his own goodness: what’s important is the help he received, namely from hal and dinah, and a caring environment. ollie, at the very least, begins to understand this, and in doing so understands very clearly what he needs to change about their relationship if he wants roy back.

this means that ollie starts undergoing character development in this one issue alone. the thing about ollie, in regards to his relationship with roy, is that he has made mistakes and the narrative acknowledges it; but, when well written, he realizes and admits it, making a point of learning from his mistakes. roy knows that ollie has fucked up, too, and doesn’t let him off the hook for it, but he also recognizes that he makes an effort to be better. especially after snowbirds, this informs their relationship a lot.

by the end of the issue they’re not hugging, and roy is leaving on his own, but that’s completely of his own accord. and these are the last panels in the entire issue:

the whole original comic, but mostly these panels specifically, is what makes me wonder about people’s perception of these events, and the misconceptions i previously mentioned – because i really am confused as to how you could reconcile these two opposite readings. unless, you know... people are speaking without ever touching the original comic. (i don’t want to blame anyone for not reading older comics, but please, if you’re gonna speak, especially if it’s to shit on a character or call them abusive the way people do with ollie, do it in an informed way.)

so, right after the events of snowbirds, because roy was allowed to speak up and ollie was made to listen, at least as much as can be expected through his stubbornness, they’re in much better terms than people usually think. if you look at roy’s chronology, he interacts with ollie in his next few appearances (barring the teen titans ones), teaming up as they normally would, with the one difference being the emphasis that’s put into the fact that roy has grown away from ollie – in the same way as any young adult would grow away from a parent. there’s also roy’s resentment for ollie’s actions, but this resentment is portrayed as deserved and it doesn’t turn their interactions into something negative. it’s still clear that they both care for each other, and there’s certainly no hate.

[from action comics #436/2]

this first one takes place a few months after roy goes his own way. roy is in the middle of working a case when ollie gets involved, and they work on it together. green lantern #100/2 is their next appearance and has a similar plot, this time with dinah working with them as well. in both of these, they still work well together, are able to communicate in action and have each other’s backs.

in the action comics issue, ollie insists that roy is still welcome by his side, and that he should still feel free to ask for help whenever he needs it. roy refuses in the way that’s shown in the panels above – saying that he needs to “be a loner for a while” and build a life of his own (though it’s not an exact parallel, because ollie is ollie and takes “loner” to a whole other level, the wording here reminds me of the way ollie tends to leave on his own whenever he feels like he needs to find himself). you’ll see that these interactions aren’t hostile at all – quite the opposite.

world’s finest #251/3 might be the one where their interactions are the most tense, and that’s mostly just in the end. when they’re done with the usual superhero team-up, ollie shows willingness to talk to roy:

“i can’t help out. roy’s back, and, well– we’ve got a lot of talking to do.” through these issues, we realize that ollie has learned: his previous mistake was not paying enough attention to roy, and not showing him that he could always count on ollie (both in noticing roy’s addiction, but also before, in not taking enough care so roy wouldn’t get to that point). he tries to make up for it every chance he has, but it’s always on roy’s terms. everyone is aware that ollie is the one who was in the wrong, and it’s up to roy to forgive him or not, but no one ever pressures roy to do so. when roy doesn’t want to stay and talk, ollie accepts it.

ollie atones again and again, and their relationship isn’t magically fixed and they don’t go back to being close without effort – effort which rightfully has to be done, again, mostly on ollie’s part. but they never, ever go so far as to hate each other.

then, in green arrow (1988) #75, ollie feels so bad about what happened between them, about the way he screwed up, he essentially says to roy that he wouldn’t fault him for wanting to shoot him. “so go ahead. god knows, you’ve got plenty of reason.” roy has been brainwashed here; he breaks through it because of ollie’s words. 

and, after this whole ordeal is done, this is how they part ways:

by this point, roy already has lian and a life of his own. he’s gone back to being speedy and then arsenal, he’s in the titans again and he will become a renowned hero in his own right. he might have forgiven ollie a long time ago, but now that he has found himself – like he set off to do at first – he seems more prepared to make amends and see where he stands with him (maybe i’m attributing more consistency among these issues, that happen years apart, than we should actually give them credit for, but i can’t help trying to find the common themes.)

after these, which are the most immediate interactions after snowbirds, we have multiple instances of them being close again. it’s in every small moment they have together, really, but off the top of my head, a couple that are illustrative for their relationship are green arrow: the archer’s quest and justice league of america (2006) #7, even though they don’t directly interact in this last one. i was gonna include panels from both, but this is getting long enough; i urge you to read them, especially if you followed along reading the issues i’ve mentioned, because they’re great. what i am gonna include, cause it’s amazing, is this panel from justice league of america wedding special.

in my opinion, these misconceptions around ollie and roy not only are a disservice to their characters but also mean that people are missing out on what i think is a really interesting relationship. it’s almost rare to see a relationship evolve in a way that feels so organic in comics, not only because the interpersonal conflict here is shown to have real, tangible consequences but also because the characters are allowed to grow in a way that is gradual and natural and even satisfying.

ollie and roy's relationship might have never been the exact same after snowbirds – but which father-son relationship stays the same after the son grows up? and i think it's a testament to the strength of their bond that without ever ignoring these events (because, as i’ve shown, they’re very much acknowledged again and again) they not only never stop loving each other, but are also able to keep building something meaningful going forward.

[cayleyshortstories]

Lucid

Written by Janry Deoduco & Illustrated by Kiefer Tayawa

They say that family is the only joy you’ll ever need in life, and if there would be a perfect embodiment of that, the Santiago Family would be a good candidate. On a peaceful evening, the Santiagos decided to play a game of Monopoly as they waited for their pizza dinner--just like any normal happy family. “You landed on my property, Dad! Where’s my 200?” said the Santiagos’ only child, Lucy, lightly bossing her father out. “Okay, fine! But…” replied Daniel, “aha!” He exclaimed as he threw a card down looking very proud of himself. ‘Once you land on your opponent’s property, the fee will revert to the owner,’ the card said. “Come on, Dad!” dismayed, Lucy fell to a defeated kneel as she handed the 200 creds she owed her father. After a while, the doorbell interrupted their heated, exciting match of Monopoly. “Oh, finally! That must be the food,” almost jumping out of her seat, Daniel’s wife, Sandra Marie hurried towards the door to pay. The two left at the coffee table right in the middle of their living room looked relieved, both from the heat of the game and their rumbling stomachs. “Here, babe,” Sandra handed Lucy a slice of her favorite shrimp pizza from her favorite pizza place, Maximus’ Pizza. The child thanked her and retreated happily back to the coffee table, analyzing the board as if it were a chess match.

The night started with a warm and comforting vibe, but as it grew past its youth, an eerie gust of wind blew leaves from trees, as if devouring the harmony and peace the young night gave its inhabitants.

“Lucy! Time for bed baby girl,” said Sandra. Their game of Monopoly ended with Daniel losing. It had been a weekly tradition for the Santiagos, as they played Monopoly in their living room and ordered the same pizza from the same place at exactly 7:00 in the evening every Sunday. “Already? I’m not yet sleepy, Mom.” Lucy replied, though her tired eyes and relaxed gestures seemed to contradict that. “Did you forget? We’re going to the park tomorrow,” Sandra said as she carried the sleepy Lucy from the living room floor and started walking up a few steps. “Really? Yehey! Well, I guess it’s time for bed, Dumdum,” the young girl said to her stuffed animal, gently resting her head on her mother’s shoulder. As the night grew out of its youth, the cryptic whistles of the wind blew harder, that even the tree branches outside the Santiagos’ home lightly tapped onto their windows, almost as if the elements outside were luring them out. Though the circumstances did not stop the three from their slumber, something else seemed to stop Daniel’s.

He heard and saw people screaming and being tortured, and then he screamed of fear until he awoke at 3:07 am and walked downstairs to get a drink of cold water. After that, huge lightning flashes, and a strong wind blows while he felt something strange crawling on his body but couldn’t find out what it really is. Suddenly, he touches his body because of his weird feeling and then he finally notices that he can see everything differently. He noticed that something looked upside-down and the places started to change and change due to an unexplained situation so he finally realized that something weird was happening. He is questioning himself “Am I seeing these things normally?” “Are these things the things I saw yesterday?”

People being tortured, bloody scenes of utter violence, and complete chaos appeared in Daniel’s vision as he came slowly into a distorted state of consciousness. At the sight of these, he screamed and wailed, completely overwhelmed and terrified at the same time. Daniel tried to walk away, but his feet seemed to be glued onto the floor. A beastly being suddenly roared and broke from inside the ground to the surface, adding to the raging fear and panic Daniel was experiencing. “Help! Get me out of here, I can’t move!” He screamed repeatedly until he could barely speak. After all that took place, the hell he woke up to disappeared as if a switch had activated it. Shocked, he felt for his own skin, somehow examining the reality he’s in.

After so many questions that came to his mind, he finally realized that he was still dreaming and was thinking of everything that can make his house back to normal. “Oh my! I can control everything. What if I think of something interesting. How about some new shoes hmm. It worked!” He is finally getting interested in his dream called the Lucid Dream. “Dad, what are you doing late at night?” Lucy said while going downstairs. “Oh, you’re awake! I think Lucy will love this. Hey Lucy, come. Here’s your new plush toy.” “Wow! Dad, you have some awesome and cool superpowers.” Lucy ran upstairs and called Sandra to show Daniel’s new unexplained power. “Mom! Wake up, look at Dad, he is a superhero.” “What is it my darling?” said Sandra. “I was a masked magician and will give you some lovely roses. Give some three claps and the roses are yours.” Sandra clapped three times and then she suddenly noticed that she was already holding sweet-scented roses. “Unbelievable Daniel! I think this is very interesting.” said Sandra while smelling Daniel’s lovely roses. “Let’s see what more can I do.” Daniel thought of a big mansion. “Wow! My dreams came true. Can I fly?” Daniel started to fly together with his family having their fun while laughing. “Gimme a cape and a talking DUMDUM Dad!” Daniel gives all he can give to fulfill his family’s dream. After they enjoyed their fun Moments together, they started to rest while Daniel saw a huge dusty mirror and wiped it with his own hands. He saw nothing until he heard a huge scream from his family. Lucy is screaming of fear while Sandra is crying and then he saw the mirror again and suddenly saw a reflection of himself as an old man staring at him. “WAKE UP!!!” said the old man and suddenly pulled him inside the mirror. He lost his consciousness for a minute until he woke up in a blank space with a strange atmosphere and said, “Where am I?! Why did you bring me to this kind of worthless place?” He tried to run fast because he thought it was the only way to escape but nothing happened. He is like running out of nowhere and hoping for nothing. He tried to close his eyes but nothing new happened. It was like closing his eyes, but his eyes won’t really close. After a second, he stopped for a bit and heard some whispering uncleared voices and he said, “Who are you?” Different kinds of voices started to shout at him with random languages until it became so annoying and made Daniel suffer. “Stop! Why can't I control this thing?” said Daniel. The noise started to grow and grow until he finally heard his family screaming and crying of fear. “Dad! Help us! Please look for us. We’re scared Dad.” said Lucy while Sandra said, “Daniel, do something! Stop this kind of suffering!” After that, the whole place started to burn and Daniel heard all the suffering of every person he encountered. “IT HURTS!” said the woman. Daniel said, “Why can't I feel anything? Why can’t I do something about it?” After minutes of suffering, flashes of people suffering from torture went to Daniel's eyes. “Stop it! Don’t hurt us! We’re innocent people. We don’t deserve this kind of thing.” Daniel suddenly looked at the man crying until it looked at him with reddish creepy eyes and said, “It’s your fault! STOP THINKING ABOUT US!!!” “But I can’t control myself! I don’t know why but I can’t stop thinking about all of this.” The crying man started to move his feet up and tried to stab him; however, he suddenly pushed the guy very hard and felt the anger crawling at his back. “I can’t control my emotions! AM I CRAZY?! Is this really a Lucid Dream wherein I can make things I want to become a reality? Why do I can’t control myself thinking of this kind of image over and over? I just wanted to play with my family and have fun together seeing my daughter and wife’s smiles. I want to go back to our past wherein we are spending our time playing Monopoly and eating pizza together. I missed the time wherein I can kiss my wife over and over again like there is no tomorrow. I want to go back. I just wanted to get them back!”

“I missed them. I love them. I cared for them. Give me back my family...” The nurses were shocked and started looking at a 95-year-old guy who has suffered from critical mental illness complications for the past many years. He is one of those innocent victims who survived in a War whose families are tortured and killed by those heartless foreign soldiers. He suffered from a deep trauma since the death of his family which makes him unconscious and dream of his memorable pasts. “It is the first time that Mr. Santiago talked like that.” “I think It is a miracle for him to speak.“ “Wait, let me talk to him.” said the nurse while looking at Daniel cautiously. “What is it, sir? May we help you?” said the nurse. Daniel looked at the nurse directly into their eyes for the first time and said, “Sandra? Lucy? I finally realized that you’re all fine now.” He laughed quietly until he passed out smiling since he finally realized that the true peace in life is to accept reality and let go of the past.

____________________________________________________

ILLUSTRATION EXPLANATION:

The whole theme of the short story is about lucid dreaming and love for family. In this still image, the eyes directly looking at the family represent Daniel’s love for his family. The mood of this still image looks dreamy and dark, yet full of colors because it is about lucid dreaming in general which is very pensive. Ever since Daniel lost his family, he can never forget about the memories he and his family have shared, and that caused Daniel to reminisce it over and over again.

[2manyfandoms2count]

#MarichatMay Day 7

Another submission because the procrastination is strong in this one *points to self*. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy this piece!

(And again thanks @marichatmay!)

---

Day 7: Disguise

“You know the Agreste superhero ball is tonight, right?” 

Chat Noir was lying on Marinette’s sofa, completely relaxed as his favourite civilian paced around the room, flicking through the pages of her notebook.

“Thanks, Sherlock.” She shot him a dark glare.

That cat would be the death of her. How weak had she been, accepting his invitation as his date? She’d worked all week to plant the foundations of a lie that would have justified her absence with her friends. On Monday, she had started to cough. On Tuesday, she’d pretended to sniffle all day. Wednesday she’d maintained her act, complete with a non-faked tiredness from working on her Ladybug dress overnight. The coup de grâce came on Friday: she had used Tikki’s powers to fake a small fever. The Kwami had disapproved at first, but had changed her mind when she had seen how stressed her carrier was at the prospect of juggling between Marinette and her Miraculous persona all night. Was it wrong to want to be just Ladybug for an evening?

That night, though, Chat had paid her a little visit, having heard through the “cat-vine” that she hadn’t been “feeline” well. Except that instead of finding her feverish and buried under a pile of covers, she’d been running around fixing up a characteristically red and black, Ancient Egyptian-style dress. 

“Oh my God, I can’t believe Ladybug is exploiting you for a disguise she doesn’t even need!!” He’d started dialling her on his baton, but Marinette had interrupted him.

“She’s not exploiting me, I’m very happy to be working on this dress,” she huffed. “And I promised my parents I’d spend the evening with them.”

“Oh but please, come tomorrow! Be my date? I purr-omise it will be fun!” He used the kitty eyes move she had trouble resisting with Manon, except his were much more enticing. She felt oddly drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. In that if she got too close, it wouldn’t end well.

“I’m not a super hero though, I’d need a disguise. And I don’t have time to make myself one.”

“Just take Ladybug’s. She won’t mind.” He shrugged.

“Yes, she will. She announced on TV that she would be wearing one of my creations. If she doesn’t, she won’t be in Gabriel Agreste’s good graces anymore.” She sat down on the floor and adjusted the dress’ hem. “She declined his offer to be dressed by him, you know.”

The mysterious designer had reached out during one of her patrols, offering her a tailored creation that would leave the “tout Paris” gaping. As much as she’d been dying to see him work, something had felt off. She didn’t know if it was that day’s biais of Mr Agreste, who’d once again refused to let Adrien join their crew for yet another activity, but as much as she admired the artist’s work, all she had seen was a man who prevented his son from leading a normal life. Besides, as she knew all too well, tailoring meant measurements, which could let out too much information regarding her real identity. She couldn’t afford the risk of Hawkmoth getting his hands on her physical specifications. 

“Why do you want me to go so badly anyway?” She asked the cat-boy. He was busy playing with a ball of yarn that was lying on the floor. 

“I don’t want to spend the night alone.” He lost interest in his toy, and his eyes glazed over as he looked into nothingness. A sort of fatigue seemed to have washed over him.

Marinette’s heart softened. He looked so sad she wanted to hug him. “You know you’re never alone, Chat. You’ve got Ladybug.”

“You’re nicer though, purr-incess” He looked at her, a small smile forming on his lips. “I like spending time with you, it’s... refreshing, being able to breathe for a bit, and have a proper chat with an actual human being. Ladybug’s always running around, I wish she’d slow down sometimes, you know?”

She thought about all the times she’d left Chat Noir hanging after akumatisations or even on patrols. So the reason why he was constantly trying to get her to go see a movie with him, or eat an ice cream, or just hang out, was actually to get her to relax? And to not be alone? She closed her eyes, thinking about how dense she’d been to his feelings. Of course Chat felt alone. She also did. It came with the job. 

It hadn’t been her intention to hurt him though. Most of the time there was a valid excuse as to why she had to bug-ger off (he rolled her eyes at the realisation that she was being contaminated by Chat’s puns). Like imminent detransformation. 

“Fine, then. I’ll go.” She had sighed, cursing her good heart and his persuasion skills. 

“Really?” His eyes had lit up, and he’d started dancing around the room, sing-songing his thanks. He’d dragged her along, hugging her tightly. “Don’t worry, I’ll bring your disguise. You can count on me!”

And she’d believed him. Because if Ladybug could always count on him, then so could Marinette.

But she wasn’t Ladybug.

“Oh come on, cheer up! It’s not like it’s a complete cat-astrophe. I still don’t understand why you won’t wear my disguise. Banana-noir has saved Paris at least a couple of times.” He smirked, eyeing the bright yellow suit that was hanging on Marinette’s mezzanine. “I even got it signed specially for you!”

Marinette glanced at the “stay peachy!” scribbled on the costume and sighed. 

“It’s one of the most important fashion events of the year. I’m representing my brand. I can’t go as a fruit!”

“Not a fruit: bananas are actually berries, you know.” Chat grinned.

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes.

“How about Marino? He was a stylish character.” Chat asked absentmindedly.

She felt heat rise to her cheeks. She hadn’t interacted with Chat Noir that day in her civilian attire. Had he been there? At Adrien’s party? “What... How do you know about Marino?”

Chat’s cheeks burned up, and had the girl looked up she would had noticed the sheer panic in his eyes. “Um... At the end of the fight, I went inside the Agreste’s mansion to check if everything was okay. I... I saw you hiding behind a seat.” He breathed, trying to calm his tachycardic heart. “Strong disguise, but I’d recognise those pretty eyes of yours anywhere.” 

She almost snorted.  

“Thanks, but I’m afraid Marino won’t be making an appearance today.” 

“Everybody’s loss I guess.” He laughed awkwardly. That had been a close one. “Oh I know! Why don’t I go and get you the mouse Miraculous? You can pretend you copied the design. Or just own the fact that you ARE Multimouse. Bugaboo already made it clear she wouldn’t give it to you again because I know who you are, but I mean technically Paris doesn’t know.”

She thought about it. She doubted Master Fu would be willing to give out a Miraculous as a disguise even if it was for her, but she guessed there’d be no harm in trying. And she could actually whip up something like Multimouse’s costume in the short amount of time that separated her from the ball. She’d have to be careful about it, but there was a good chance she could make the double identity work. She could just make an appearance as Ladybug at the beginning of the night, “leave” and come back as Marinette. 

“That’s actually a good idea.”

“Ah see, I’m not just a purr-etty face!” Chat smiled. He leapt up and  made his way to the trapdoor.

“I’ll be late though, I wasn’t lying yesterday when I said I promised my parents a family night.”

“I’ll be waiting!” He kissed her hand, as he usually did Ladybug’s. “Can’t wait to see your designs. You know I’m your number one fan.” He winked.

She couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks kitty.”

Later, as she was finishing her Multimouse outfit, she heard a knock. The trapdoor opened and she saw a black hand throw a small box on her bed. Before she could react she saw Chat Noir jump to a nearby roof, and disappear into the sunset.

She climbed to her bed and picked up the box. A note was stuck on it, reading:

I don’t want to bother you during Ladybug’s fitting/family night, but here is the promised disguise. Thank you for being the Souris to my Chat. Can’t wait to see you later, it’s going to be paw-some! xxx Your number 1 fan

She pocketed the box, and put the note away in a drawer, with Adrien’s poem. She had to take care of her Chaton, he was too purr-ecious to lose. But she’d need to find a way to stop using his puns all the time though. Because that simply wouldn’t do. 

[starkerparkerpony]

I Scold Because I Stan Pt.2

AU where Tony (44-45 y/o) meets an aged up (23-24 y/o) Peter after Civil War, Tony is broken up with Pepper and all kinds of sorry for himself. Peter is a ESU graduate and currently has an internship with Oscorp and is a photographer for the Daily Bugle he is also spiderman and therefore perpetually exhausted and has very little patience

Read part 1 here, part 3 here

Not much scolding in this one but very dialogue heavy... Please continue reblogging. Continuing on -

Tony believed there's certain feelings in life that you must absolutely not feel once over the age of 25... for example, no middle-aged man should have anxiety about calling a potential romantic interest. Especially if said 'potential romantic interest' shamelessly hit on Tony in the first place. The guy was definitely interested, he had made it clear to Tony that he was definitely interested. Tony could just call the guy... but would he.

A week earlier when Peter Parker woke from the nap he was taking in a booth at an Irish pub for some reason, Tony absolutely did not imagine that any conversation they might have would go the way their's did. It was a testament to Mr. Parker's extempore prowess. It was also mildly embarrassing and almost traumatizing to be scolded and praised all at once. But after Parker left, Tony found himself... smiling... and blushing, like a complete idiot, but smiling and blushing nonetheless.

When back at home Tony set Friday on the curious case of Peter Parker. Which led to spending an ungodly amount of time on the guy's Instagram. Which in turn led to Tony gleaning some useful information about him, Peter Parker wasn't exactly new to the world of the rich and famous, he appeared to be a close friend of Harry Osbourne, posing with him in not just generic selfies but also pictures taken at high profile society events.

It also appeared that Mr. Parker was no stranger to superheroes either, his work with the Daily Bugle was almost entirely photos of Spiderman... Tony didn't know Spidey personally but going by the coverage the newspaper gave him, it was hard to imagine that the masked hero would be a friend of Parker's but the guy somehow always managed to get the best picture of Spidey, which indicated a willingness to follow trouble on Parker's part.

And then there was the entire thing about how gorgeous and intelligent and utterly disarming the boy was...

The 3 patents he had told Tony about were no joke- a medical grade adhesive, an industrial grade adhesive and a potential replacement for spandex. Not to mention his eyes...

Tony kept telling himself that he was too old to have a crush... but he knew it was too late. He thought back to the way he felt when Peter smiled at him, bruised and all... The damage was done.

The first time Tony called Peter, he didn't pick up and it went to voicemail. Tony didn't leave a message. It was just 9PM, there was no way he was already asleep. Right? For a second he dreaded the possibility of Parker being one of those millennials who don't take phonecalls, then for another hour he wondered if this was a sign from the universe about an endeavor that should be abandoned. So of course Tony called again.

"I don't do booty calls past 10 I have a job now" was how Parker answered the phone. Jesus Christ.

"Good to know, I was thinking about lunch tomorrow actually." Tony said without missing a beat

"Jesus Christ!" Parker exclaimed, obviously thrown.

"Close. Tony Stark" He chuckled

"No I know... Crap, I'm sorry, my friend Harry is the only one I know who calls with a private number. I thought it was him." He explained

"Am I Sorry to disappoint?" Tony asked trying not to sound anxious.

"Absolutely not. I actually definitely would do a booty call after 10 for you." Tony could hear the smile in his voice.

"But not after 11 though?" Tony joked trying not to blush.

"No that honor is reserved for Bruce Banner and Bruce Banner only."

"You have good taste in men" Bruce was Tony's friend, he had to admit he was warmed by the fact that Peter wasn't one of the assholes who held 'big green' against him.

"Ha Ha thanks... he represents us bio-chem nerds well, one of my projects is actually inspired by him and also he is very cute in press conferences."

"The spandex replacement?" Tony guessed

"Oh no... you googled me. Ew."

"Hey that's rich coming from the guy that sticks my photos on his wall." He defended himself

"No no... there's this god awful picture of me that comes up on image search from when my team won the scholastic decathlon, I look like a single prepubescent noodle in it." Parker grouched

"Good tip... also nice covert bragging with the decathlon thing Mr. Parker" Tony said as he pulled the picture up and sniggered.

"Thank you I'm so glad you caught that... so what was it you were saying about lunch?" Parker enquired.

"Right... Lunch? Tomorrow?" Tony hoped he didn't sound desperate.

"Sounds good to me. I mean it sounds like a bizarre dream I'm having but I don't wanna stroke your ego unnecessarily, you already called first... I love that I have the upper hand here"

"Congratulations on the upper hand smartass... do you wanna do 'Nobu'?" Tony suggested

"Oh my god... I'm gonna throw your P.A. and your PR team a bone and nix that idea... you beautiful disaster" Peter laughed

"Umm... what?"

"Nobu has papparazi outside of it 24/7, and I hate to break it to you buddy but your break up with Ms. Potts was kinda' public. I can't even begin to imagine what hell you, being photographed with a strapping twunk half your age would be on your team." He explained himself

"Okay calm down strapping twunk... How would anybody even know its a date?" Tony scoffed

"Umm Mr. Stark if I have the chance to grab your ass in public and have photos taken of the event then I absolutely will do it." said Peter, very sincerely.

"My God how can you call me Mr. Stark and talk about grabbing my ass in the same sentence?" Tony cursed his susceptibility to blushing whenever talking to this guy.

"Listen man, I'd call you Tony but this 'Mr. Stark' thing lowkey turns me on though." Peter said in a teasing voice.

Same, Tony admitted to himself.

"Kink noted. You do have a point though... I haven't had to deal with my personal PR or had a P.A. in a while." Said Tony, thoughtful.

"How can you not have a P.A.? Is that even legal?" Peter asked

"Well, I made my last one the CEO of my company, fell in love with her, started dating her and then very publicly got dumped by her... so I'm apprehensive about replacing her." Tony regretted this outburst as soon as he finished talking.

"I think about you when I touch myself." Peter informed

"What. The. Hell. Parker" Tony said, trying to sound affronted when he could barely contain his laughter

"Oh sorry buddy I thought we were playing the oversharing game." Peter sniggered. "You know what you should do? You should get an older Jewish lady to be your P.A. it's what Norman Osbourne did for his son when he kept hitting on his P.A.s.

"Because you know what, Mrs. Leibowitz would bring you Passover brisket and she would never dump you publicly." Peter was almost giggling now.

"Right, she would write me a considerate note." Tony laughed along with Peter.

"Exactly!" He chuckled

There was a lull in the conversation then, during which Tony made up his mind.

"Lunch at the tower tomorrow." Tony decided

"Fine by me. Wait. Do you have any dietary restrictions?"

"No. I sometimes go gluten free but not because of celiac just because I like to be an asshole. Why?"

"Cool, I'm bringing Pizza. You paid for drinks last time." stated Peter

"You do realize that I have chefs on my payroll?" Tony asked

"You do realize that I'm offering to bring you Joe's from Greenwich?" Peter countered

"Point taken." Tony conceded

"Good"

"See you"

"Not if I see you first"

"Oh my God"

"I know... I hate myself"

"I'm gonna' hang up now"

"Wait! What do I tell your security tomorrow?" Peter asked

"Tell them you've been summoned by the king" Tony said, only half joking.

"God you're such a douche but I'm so into you..." Peter replied

"I'm glad" Tony admitted

"Okay bye."

"Bye."

The next day Peter Parker texted to confirm the time and then showed up at Tony's place with pizza and a dozen red and yellow roses. And Tony didn't know what to do with himself.

Taglist- @spidey-nerd @areluctantsblog @briesb1tch @starkerhoefangirl @fleet-of-ships @darker-soft-starker @heybrotherpourthewine @buckybarnes-is-bae @starkerlovestony @nachtvuur @theginkosakata @plsstopgivingpetertrauma @highbloodprinz @supernaturalpadfoot @jealouspeachtea @strkrmdnss @thewolffearsher @starkravingspiders @whenfandomscollide @starkerrifics @starkersenses @merwinist @starkerdarling @this-starker-hoe @sad-princess28 @smidnite @inz-zer0 @mystarkershame @somethingihadtocarry @goodtimesstarker @frenchfrostpudding @lacechains @hermit-fangirl @ensdarktreasures @colorofpearls @narutoyaoifans @birdycurtainswrites @ravens-starker-stuff @lover-starker @littlemonstercupcake @antonystxrk @starkerkitty91x @tigger232 @mcusicals

[taliaquinn]

Marinette did an extra twirl for the mirror. She had loved the feeling of the fabric on the dress, She made sure to put in extra effort into the dresses of the night, although not too much, she still wanted Nadia Chamack to be the highlight.

Her work on covering how the Frequent Akuma attacks were affecting the everyday Parisian psyche was getting recognition from the International Journalism community. She could hear her Mother greeting Chloe and Aurore downstairs. Making sure to put on the finishing touches of her makeup, she quickly grabbed her newly bought purse and put in a few macarons for Tikki. Tikki quickly swooped in and settled herself in the secret compartment. She quickly opened her cellar door to allow Chloe and Aurore up.

“Netti~ that dress of yours is truly exceptional” Aurore gushed while grabbing Marinette's hand and twirling her around. Marinette's’ Dress had a more professional style since it was a formal event. The skirt reached above her knees and the top was gray and the skirt was white. The Cape, however, was white as well. The dress was formal but still had a twist like all of her MDC designs. Marinette felt sophisticated, for once.

Suddenly her Mamans’ head popped up, she pushed herself up and that was when Marinette noticed she was carrying a small box.

“Chloe, Aurore, Tom has a few pastries and hot chocolate prepared for you two downstairs, Chloe dear I believe he has prepared a few cheese and berry danishes as well…...” Sabine teased with a knowing smile, Chloe's love for Cheese and Berry danishes were well known throughout the Dupain Cheng household.

‘MIIINNNEEEE thankyouthankyouthankyouu” Chloe squealed, quickly dragging Aurore down the cellar door opening.

Marinette couldn't help but shake her head at Chloe's antics. Honestly, that girl will probably hand over government secrets just for a plate of those Danishes.

“Marinette Honey, I have something I want to give you that once belonged to your mother Alexei.” She gently handed her the small jewelry box.

Gently opening the box Marinette couldn't help but gasp when it revealed a gold armband that was decorated with thin golden leaves. Her mother gently lifted it out and clasped it onto Marinette's arm. It matched perfectly with the dress.

Over the last few days, Sabine has been giving Marinette jewelry, clothing and other stuff that once belonged to Alexei. Some of the clothing was too big but Marinette is nothing but a miracle worker when it comes to upcycling.

Marinette had Alexeis’ old fencing uniform set up in the corner. Maybe Marinette should take up Fencing next year? And Actually, focus on it and not do it for the sake of a boy. A spineless cowardly boy.

Quickly hugging her Maman and whispering a thank you, Marinette climbed down the cellar door after her Maman.

Once in the living room, Marinette spotted Chloe inhaling Danishes and Aurore frantically pressing buttons on her game controller, trying to beat her Papa, and her papa was winning.

"NOOOO HOW'D YOU EVEN DO THAT!?" Aurore practically screamed, Tom had used a cheat and managed to beat Aurore ruthlessly.  With her head hanging low, she stood up and walked towards Marinette Marinette thought she saw the shadow of a pout. Chloe quickly joined them after one last gulp of hot chocolate.

"Mr.Dupain I hope one day you will teach me your ways," Aurore asked with admiration.

Giggling at her friend's antics Marinette quickly kissed her dad and Her Maman before pulling them out the doorway. Marinette was grateful for her friends and parents. However, she was less grateful whenever she saw signs that her room was slowly getting taken over by Chloe. Seriously she had already called dibs on the top bunk and had covered it with Custommade Queen bee sheets.

“Girls are we Queens or are we, Queens?” Chloe asked with a flair. She knew damn well they all looked bloody gorgeous. Quickly making sure to open the limos’ door, Chloe Bourgeois goes all out or nothing, she practically shoved Aurore and Marinette in. Quickly they sped off but not before making a quit stop to pick up Kagami. Chloe did not stutter when she saw Kagami in her dress thank you very much. Still, Chloe couldn’t help but keep stealing glances at her while in the limo what can she say she liked red.

Aurore and Marinette couldn’t help but look at them in Exasperation. Really could they not save the ogling until after they were out of the limo?

Marinette quickly turned around and decided to content herself by staring out the window. She couldn’t help but be nervous, now would be a perfect time to tell the girls about her discovery around her origins. She knew they could keep it a secret heck they would probably help her in her endeavor to find and talk to Mr.Wayne. Still she was worried. What if they looked at her differently, not as Sabine and Toms child, but as the child of Bruce Wayne?

“We’re here~” Chloe loudly announced the door was quickly opened and the girls were helped out. Thanking Jean-Paul, Marinette followed the girls in.

Grand Paris Hotel                                                                                       Paris City                                                                                                      8:15 pm

Bruce was quickly adjusting his cuffs.

He then proceeded to help Damian with his, despite his protests.

“Father I can do them myself” although Damian didn’t fight it off as much. After assuring himself that the Cuffs would meet Alfreds Standards, Bruce couldn’t help but make sure that Dick's tie was well adjusted, although he didn’t protest it all of course. Quickly taking a final glance around the suite he quickly ushered Damian out and followed leaving Dick to lock the suite's door. Soon they were situated in a limo that was provided to them by the representatives of Wayne's Industries Paris Branch.

Dick couldn't hide his excitement. He might have another little sister

“Oh my gosh, I can't wait to see this kid. What if she is a Wayne kid. I'll get another little sister, ohmygosh I'm going to have to introduce her to Wally, Artemis, Zatana and ohgeeezzz Babs I-”

“Grayson shut up or I will” Damian bit out. Honestly, Damian wasn't happy at the fact that he might have another blood relative. At least he's older and obviously far better. He's a superhero and an heir to the League.

Bruce could tell that Damian was a bit Miffed about the fact that there might be another Wayne Blood child and worse off she was a girl. Thank god that they weren't that different age-wise.

Once they arrived, they quickly stepped out. Damian was flagged by Dick and Bruce. Once inside Bruce was immediately approached by an overeager mayor.

"Mr.Wayne We are so deeply honored to have you join us this night. Please Please if you have anything you need us to do to make your evening more comfortable please feel free to inform me" Mayor Bourgeois urged although he didn't seem to want to stop shaking Bruce's hand anytime soon.

"Mayor Bourgeois Please allow me to introduce you to my Sons, This is my oldest son Richard and this is my youngest Damian" Bruce quickly pried his hand out of Bourgeois' grip to push Dick and Damian in front of him.                  

Yes, he knew that it was very dirty of him to sacrifice his sons to Andre Bourgeois but honestly Bruce was keen on finding Dupain-Cheng. Although that didn't stop Dick from sending him a glare.

Quickly walking off he started walking around and occasionally stopped to chat with Journalists or Businessmen. He quickly passed two blondes who were too busy talking to another Journalis-Hold up.

"Lois Kent? I didn't expect to see you here tonight?" Oh god, Bruce has the worst luck. If she was here that most likely meant that boy scout wasn't far away.

"Bruce Wayne, I was invited to attend. I am a respected Journalist outside of the States, also I have the assignment to cover in Brussels concerning recent events within the United Nations " Lois couldn't help but be entertained by his slight confusion. Lois and Clark have received recognition and awards for their work, especially since certain people like to take some of the most dangerous jobs. Lois used to take extremely dangerous assignments up until she got pregnant, now she only takes slightly dangerous jobs.

Yes, there is a difference. No matter what Jon says. Before she can even tell Bruce that Clark was still at home with Jon, he hurriedly shook her hand goodbye.

"Well, we will have to catch up later Lois" I have to go.

"That's Fine Bruce." Do what you have to do. Lois quickly turned her attention back to Ms.Aurore and Ms.Bourgeois and went back to answering their questions surrounding Journalism.

Bruce had caught a glimpse of blue hair while he was talking to Lois. Still scanning the crowd he was able to catch another glimpse of Dick and Damian who both seemed to be still stuck in a conversation with Bourgeois. About to take a quick turn he suddenly bumped into someone. Grabbing the arms out of instinct. He quickly steadied them slightly crouched down due to the short stature of the person. He suddenly looked up. With a jolt of realization, he realized that he was staring into familiar baby blue eyes.

His but on someone elses face.

[sigilscriber]

Origin and Casting of my Sigils.

Origins of the Sigils I create and cast:

  The Sigils you see here are created from a magick runic alphabet that I created myself many MANY years back in my childhood. At first they started off as just a simple alphabet I created for my own story series I was making. However I quickly discovered as I was drawing them, events in my life were changing in tune with the story. I realized then I had created something much more powerful than just some silly runes and symbols. I was already pagan as well as practicing magick so I adapted them to my faith and working, and well, that’s was that. After a couple of more years of mastery, I converted my whole holy book and BOS into the sigils: All hand drawn and written. Over the last 5 years I have had my sigils displayed and sole in local metaphysical shops and the Tea house where I work. I have also had two art expositions with them.

 The runes that I use here are used not just for sigil work and writing but also divination practice as well. Being that my practice is all done its own language, there are more and less letters that you typical A-Z English/Latin alphabet. For instance, there is NO letter “C”. In total there are 32 letters.  Each letter also represents an aspect of magick all its own. All much like as a Norse Rune.

 The often asked question at this point is “Do I need to learn the alphabet you follow to work with the sigils?” The answer to which is “No.”

 How to Cast/Manifest the Sigils that I post:

 To this question there are many options. But of course you first should indeed be a student of the arts of magick and witchcraft. Or at the very least, and open mind, the understanding of manifestation and the strong will of desire, belief and release.

 “Do I need to believe in a pagan pantheon” You ask? No. The sigils manifest no matter what your belief and if you are willing to work to make then be.

 There are many ways to cast/release sigils depending who you ask. Some techniques will work better for others. I find there is 2 major popular ways if releasing a sigil. Burning it, Burying it or Tending to it. I personally opt for Tending to it. Meaning it is not destroy or discarded. Instead it is carried and/or left in a special place to be constantly fed more energy. HOWEVER you may find a few in my list that I WILL suggest burning or Burying. By in large I will not burn, bury or release a sigil unless the sigil is used in either a spell to release someone or something or curse someone.

 “Hold it! You perform curses??” Yes my friend, I do. It is part of my faith. However I do not do it blindly and I take many precautions prior. Normally when I curse someone it is because the person or action is hurting/hurt someone or something so badly that I ask the Gods to assist me in making sure what comes around goes around.  I also see cursing someone like healing an illness or disposing old food from your fridge. Left Unattended, such elements are not healthy. I do believe in Karma does come back around but I always watch my words carefully as I cast a spell or sigil.  

 “Do you have curse sigils in your list?” Yes I do. BUT I do not suggest you use them UNLESS you are willing to be completely accountable of your actions and know exactly what you are working with. And I highly encourage you to ask for my help over attempting to do it hap-hazzardly on your own. One does not just grab rancid food from the fridge and toss it into the kitchen bin. It must be disposed of cautiously and properly, so it does not come back to make you sick or stink up the house. And then you should still cleanse the place and self after.

 So let’s start with first taking a sigil from my board that you need to use. PERSONALLY I would prefer you to redraw the sigil yourself. I use a slight cursive digital brush but you do not need to. As long as you get the basic shape. You can draw in a color that works with the spell you are wanting to manifest (if you know anything about color magick) or just in pencil or pen. Color is NOT vital. Of course not everyone is an artist. You can trace it over if you have something like tracing paper or a light box. But you certainly can just use a print out. However you choose, the next step is to charge it. Again depending how you ask there are many ways of doing this.  The following technique is mine and the one I suggest:

 Using a pencil, pen, wand or your finger, slowly trace over the sigil. As you do concentrate on your goal and the person who you are casting it for. There is no order that you need to follow in the drawing: Top to bottom or vice verse. At the same time take slow deep breaths. As you exhale, envision energy coming from your core center, down your arm, into your hand and out your finger or implement, setting the sigil ablaze in a great light. If it helps, imagine yourself like a superhero or Wizard on a movie that casts energy from their hands. (This part may sound silly for some, but I find it works well for many that have a hard time envisioning and focusing.)

 Sigils can also be carved into objects such as candles, wood, clay and other soft materials. They can also be draw into sand or dirt, even traced on water or drawn in the air with a stick of incense.  

 Okay your sigil is traced/etched. Now, hold it in your hand for a good while. Close your eyes and with all your will, want and heart (and help from whatever gods you believe in) empower the sigil or the object the sigil is etched into, empower it with your goal. Take time with this. See in your mind your goal clearly and coming true. You can chant any prayer, wish, words or oral spell you want. By the time you are done, the sigil/object should almost physically feel like it has a small pulse of energy all its own.

 At this point what you do with the sigil depends on the sigils intent. For desires of money, wealth or anything to come into your life, I would place it somewhere special, such as a home altar or stored somewhere safe. Every time you pass by it, take a moment to say a incantation or prayer over it. At the very least once a day. If the sigil is to release something away (a bad person, ill health, a bad habit, dangerous influence) You may wish to either burn it or tear it up and let the wind carry it away. Some people that carve such intents into a candle, will just want to have the candle burn all that way down, or if carved into clay or wood, will want to bury it.

 If your goal is true, your intent honorable with no lie attached and you are willing to help it manifest, Gods willing-the intent will come to be. Always remember “Even a Miracle Needs a Hand.” So if you are asking for money, get out there and see what you can do to make it so. Spells do not work like they do in movies and TV. If your goal is for heath, make sure you are eating healthy, taking whatever meds are needed and listen to your doctor.

 There is so much more I can go on with this but for now this is the skinny. PLEASE I encourage you to ask questions. You can ask me here or send me a private message. 

[nothingbutfangirlsmut]

Girl Out of Time

Pairing: Bucky x Reader and Sam x Reader

Background: Willow Roffe was born and raised in Brooklyn. She lived her life as happily as she could with her two childhood best friends Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers. When they both left her to join the military she tried to continue with life but that didn't get to happen for her for the simple fact that she meant something to James Buchanan Barnes.

Rating: Story will be overall MATURE but not every chapter. There will be strong language, talk of both mental and physical abuse, some good ole angst, and smut. There will be a warning at the beginning of the chapter when it includes smut.

Chapter 18

Thor, Steve, and Bruce joined the rest of us on the couches. Steve sat on the other side of me squishing me between him and Sam. Thor laid his heavy-looking hammer on the table instantly sparking chatter among the group.

"It's a trick!" Clint shouted over everyone else.

Thor laughed as he shook his head.

"No, no, it's much more than that." The god said with an amused smile.

"Who shall ever be, he, worthy shall haveth the power." Clint said in a mocking accented voice.

I had to laugh at that.

"Whatever man, it's a trick," Clint said dismissively.

Thor laughed again.

"Please be my guest." Thor said with a smile as he gestured to the hammer.

"Really?" Clint asked as he stopped twirling the drum stick in his hand.

"Yea" Thor nodded.

"Oh, this is going to be beautiful." Rhodey chuckled.

"Clint, you've had a tough week. We won't hold it against you if you can't get it up." Tony teased.

The group laughed as Clint stopped in front of the hammer.

"You know I've seen this before." Clint said as he wrapped his hands around the handle.

He started to pull but the hammer didn't budge. His face started to turn red from the strain. He let go then chuckled as he shook his head.

"I still don't know how you do it." Clint laughed as he looked at the hammer curiously.

"Smell the silent judgment." Tony teased.

I leaned my head on Sam's shoulder as I watched the group of superheroes.

"Please, Stark, by all means." Clint said gesturing to the hammer then going back to his seat.

"Never one to shrink from an honest challenge. It's physics. So what, if I lift it I then rule Asgard?" Tony questioned as he stepped over to the table.

"Yes, of course" Thor nodded.

"I will be reinstating prima nocta.” Tony said nonchalantly as he pulled at the hammer.

He let go with a grunt then stared at the object for a moment.

“I’ll be right back.” He said holding a finger up.

Maybe a minute passed when Tony came speed walking back into the room. One of his hands was now covered in a metal glove from his suit. He grabbed the hilt once more then tugged. Before I knew it both Tony and his friend Rhodey each had a gloved hand pulling at the hammer together. The group around me was laughing and cheering them on.

“Are you even pulling?” Rhodey asked Tony harshly.

“Are you on my team?” Tony asked his friend.

“Just represent! Pull!” Rhodey ordered.

“Alright, let’s go” Tony said as the two of them tried pulling the hammer together.

Once more the thing didn’t even budge. I laughed with everyone else.

“Now this is some good entertainment.” I chuckled softly to Sam.

He laughed then nodded in agreement. Next up to try for the hammer was Bruce Banner. He grabbed the hilt tugging on it as the others did. He pulled off it then pretended, very badly, to turn into the hulk. Steve stood up then stepped over to the hammer. He looked it over for a moment then wrapped his hands around it. Not even super soldier Captain America could move the thing. Steve chuckled as he stepped back from it.

“Nat?” Steve asked gesturing to the hammer.

“Oh no, that’s not a question I need answered.” Nat laughed and shook her head.

“All difference to the man who wouldn’t be king but it’s rigged.” Tony stated.

“You bet your ass.” Clint nodded.

“Steve, he said a bad language word.” Hill said pointing at Clint.

I laughed as Steve sighed.

“Did you tell everyone about that?” Steve asked Tony.

Tony wasn’t paying him any mind. He was staring at the hammer looking completely lost in thought.

“The handle’s imprinted, right? Like a security code. Who so ever is carrying Thor’s finger print is, I think, the literal translation.” Tony said keeping his eyes on the hammer.

It must really bug him not being able to figure this out.

“Yea, it’s uh, a very very interesting theory. I have a simpler one. You’re all not worthy.” Thor shrugged and laughed.

“I think we are going to head out.” I told Steve quietly.

Steve nodded then hugged me tightly. He kissed the top of my head then turned to give Sam a bro hug.

“I’ll be in touch soon.” Steve said with a nod.

Sam and I got back to his apartment in record time. We were both exhausted from our hunt in Mexico. It was nice to meet everyone tonight and have a bit of fun but really all I wanted to do was sleep. I cuddle under the blankets wrapping myself around Sam. He was always so warm.

A few days later I had woken up to a cold and empty bed. Sam was no where in the apartment. Where the hell did he go?

As I waited for everything I needed to be sent to me I started to pack a bag. Once I was done and finally dressed I pulled up my email to find the file Steve had sent me. I pulled on my leather jacket as I opened the file. This was infuriating. Steve would rather me hunt down these ridiculous and always cold leads than help him with whatever SOS he has going on. I'm a super soldier. I could help him better where ever he is. I hugged shoving my phone into my pocket then throwing my bag over my shoulder. Looks like I'm going to England. Alone.

I had never been to England before but I was a little surprised by the place. So many things were the same but different. I felt like a stood out compared to everyone else. It wasn't until late in the evening that I got to where I needed to be. I got a hotel room then left my bag so I could talk to some of the residents. My first stop of a small pub down the street from my hotel. I walked inside straight to the bar where an older man was standing.

"Excuse me" I said to get his attention.

"What can I get ya young lady?" The man asked with a polite smile.

"I wanted to ask if you've seen this man." I said pulling the photo of James out then laying it on the bar.

The older man picked it up. He squinted as he looked it over. He handed it back to me.

"I sure have miss but the man made it clear he didn't want anyone to find him." The man said slowly.

"Please, I'm a very old friend of his. I promise he won't mind if it's me finding him." I tried to sound as genuine as possible.

The man looked me over as he chewed his lip.

"Alright but I wasn't the one who sent ya. He's been hiding out in the old abandoned factory at the end of the road." The man told me.

"Thank you" I said quickly then ran out of the bar.

I jogged down the street not stopping until I saw an old run down building. That had to be the one. I was slow and cautious to go inside. I pushed the large door open letting it close behind me. The room was open and dark. I couldn't hear anything and I could barely see.

"Hello? James?" I asked threw the darkness.

I took two steps forwards when a large arm wrapped around my neck then pulled me backward. My back slammed into a hard chest as something cold and sharp pressed against my cheek.

"It's Willow" I choked out in a panic.

The person holding me let go then grabbed my arm turning me to face them. Cold metal grabbed each of my cheeks holding my head in place. The man stepped forward as he pushed me backwards. He only stopped when he got me into the moonlight streaming in from a broken window. He let go of me face then stepped into the light so I could see him. It was him. It was really him. He looked tired and scruffy. His hair was much longer and unkept.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He asked harshly.

"Looking for you." I said breathlessly.

He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Why?" He asked slowly.

"Steve has had us searching the world for you. It's all been cold leads until now. I honestly didn't think I'd find you." I explained quickly.

James sighed then fell into a chair by the broken window. I moved to stand in front of him. He rubbed his eyes then leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees.

“What do you want?” He asked looking up to meet my eyes.

“I guess Steve wants me to bring you back. Your his childhood best friend after all.” I chuckled softly.

“No, I asked what you wanted.” He repeated.

I was taken back by that. What I want? I never thought about it. I’ve only been doing this for Steve. I didn’t think I had a reason for it. Not a personal one.

“I’m just doing this for Steve.” I said softly.

James stood to tower over me. He brushed a piece of hair out of his face.

“Still no memories of me I see.” He said quietly.

I shook my head. For some reason I felt bad about it. I felt sorry for not knowing him like he apparently knew me. His eyes seemed to fix themselves on my jacket. A small smile rugged at his lips.

“If I could remember I would but whatever they did to me it seems permanent.” I shrugged.

James chuckled darkly as he stepped closer to me.

“I thought the same thing about myself but I was wrong. So are you. All you need is a little spark to get those memories started again.” He explained in a menacing voice.

I knew he was trying to intimidate me for whatever reason. I didn’t move from my spot. I wouldn’t back away. I wouldn’t flinch. His face moved closer to mine until his lips were hovering less then a inch from mine.

“Let me help you.” He whispered.

Before I could reply he pressed his lips softly to mine. It was such a small simple kiss yet everything in me roared to life. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced. As James pulled away a sharp pain went threw my skull. What seemed like a million images flashed before me. It was like a true ‘my life flashed before my eyes’ moment. It was so incredibly overwhelming. I felt myself be overcome by whatever was happening as my body went limp and fell to the floor.

I woke up the next morning in my hotel room. I was safely and comfortably tucked into the bed. I sat up slowly trying to recall what had happened. The last thing I remember was talking to James. I found him! I jumped out of bed then quickly pulled on my shoes. Without thinking I ran as fast as I could out of the hotel all the way to the end of the street where that old building was. I pushed my way inside to find absolutely nothing. He was gone. Just like that. I had him. Steve is not going to be happy.

—

[niel-trbl]

TOP 20 OF 2019

Here we are, first day of 2020! Can’t believe it’s been a year since the Top 20 of 2018 list. 2019 has been a year full of ups and downs, but it’s also the year of amazing music releases. So without further ado, here’s my top 20* of 2019! (*songs are listed in chronological order)

Sleepless in __________ // Epik High

Epik High back at it again with yet another amazing album, packed with amazing featurings. I managed to catch them live during their tour and WOW I still can’t believe I saw them IRL for the second time. If you ever get the chance to see them live, I would definitely recommend it!

Other Recommendations: Eternal Sunshine, No Different, The Tablo Podcast

HALO // pH-1

I LOVE THIS ALBUM CONCEPT SO MUCH! Home Alone Lights Out - hello, this is the most ideal scenario for a homebody like me. And I love the album so much that I bought myself a physical copy. Also, the transitions between the songs are amazing.

Other Recommendations: Rain Man, Olaf, Dirty Nikes

Too Much // BIGONE (feat. PENOMECO)

Well, I checked out this song coz first - Penomeco’s doing the featuring. I’m so surprised by how much I love this album. It’s so good!!! I also love the overall aesthetic of the music video.

Other Recommendations: Imgonnaparty, One Step Closer

Movie // PENOMECO

There’s gonna be whole lot of Penomeco in this list and I’m not one bit sorry about it. Anyway, back to the song - it’s so nice to be able to hear him sing a full song. Number 1 fan of Peno’s singing voice here!! When he sang it live on Sketchbook, sobs I love it so much.

Other Recommendations: Movie live on Sketchbook, Two Melodies live cover on Sketchbook

Is it Love // Sik-K (feat. MOON) (Prod. GXXD)

HELLO I LOVE YOU MISS MOON!!! She sounds so damn amazing all the time like how do you even do that......... I really do hope she releases more music projects this year!

Other Recommendations: Day n Nite, XIBAL

Beer // Ambition Musik

This is the song that ‘properly’ got me into Ambition Musik. And their series with Dingo! They’re honestly just hilarious and amazing musically. 10/10 would recommend.

Other Recommendations: Ambition Musik Dingo series, AMBITION (With Leellamarz’s changmo hook)

The Voyager 737 // DPR Cream

DPR back at it again with the most visually appealing music video and concept ever. DPR Cream’s music style is definitely one of my favourites and can’t wait to hear more from him. And also, I hope I get to witness him perform his songs live at least once please.

Other Recommendations: Gravity

Time of Our Life // DAY6

Day6 really be out here, releasing the most incredible musical piece. This time I actually went to catch them live during their tour and can I just say, I’m 100% sure they eat their albums for breakfast. They’re also super encouraging and sweet boys - I actually cried during their ending ment. That’s emotional it was.

Other Recommendations: Emergency, 365247, OUCH

FACE // Woosung

This one!!! I can safely say that this music video is easily one of my top favourites from last year. Honestly, I just love Woosung’s voice so much that I had this song on repeat for a week when I was working.

Tempo // PENOMECO (feat. Sik-K)

This song is beautiful. Nuff said.

Other Recommendations: PLAY ME

WATER // Sik-k (feat. Woodie Gochild, pH-1, HAON, Jay Park)

THIS IS THAT SUMMER SONG!!!!! I remember when Sik K and Woodie performed during the FL1P tour, it was so turn up!! I think no one expected them to perform it and GIDDY UP so when they did, everyone LOST IT. So that was nice.

Other Recommendations: GIDDY UP

Blue // Dynamic Duo (feat. Crush, SOLE)

Came across this song in my Spotify playlist radio and I just went !!! First, coz I love the colour blue. Second, coz this song is filled with my favourites. Can’t believe it took me so long to actually listen to the song and watch the mv.

Other Recommendations: MSG (feat. PENOMECO), Career High (Paloalto, Nafla, Chancellor)

‘Y’ // FANXY CHILD

This music video and the concept behind each member and the hidden things that represented each member. They’re so beautifully shot and well thought through. I cried watching their live performance video. sobs a lot of the music released last year made me emotional

Other Recommendations: ‘Y’ live performance

Room Service // Leellamarz, Groovy Room

When I found out that Leellamarz was doing a collaboration album with Groovy Room, I was soooooo excited. I’m seriously impressed by their attention to detail for the physical album. It really looked like a hotel room service menu!! I appreciate this little details.

Other Recommendations: Pick Up Your Phone (feat. MOON), When You Are Alone (feat. Changmo, ASH ISLAND)

SOS // Sik-K, Coogie

This was like part two of their SMTM777 performance. And I didn’t realised that I listened to the title track that often till it came up in my Spotify top songs 2019 playlist. But overall, this did satisfy my hopes of them collaborating again.

Other Recommendations: Watch Me Ballin’

Honey Bee // sogumm, dress (feat. PENOMECO)

Another one of my favourites for this year!!! I definitely feel that this is a spring-summer song. It makes me feel pretty lighthearted and happy - just overall very positive feelings. And can we also celebrate the fact that sogumm is a part of AOMG as well!!! Can’t wait to hear more things from her!

Other Recommendations: baby // dress (feat. sogumm, PENOMECO)

Departure // Hoody

SOBS I LOVE HOODY! And this album drop really didn’t disappoint!! Especially the title track, Adios. I was going through some things at the point of time. When the title track dropped, I knew it was what I needed. Also, I never knew I needed a bad-ass, superhero, ass-kicking Hoody in my life.

Other Recommendations: Love Again, What Shall I Do

ODD // ELO, PENOMECO

OKAY so I may have too many favourites this year but this album is definitely ranked pretty high on my list. They’ve teasing about this collab for SO LONG and when it finally came out, I just felt so happy. I also like that the songs were arranged in a ‘storyline’ manner? Not sure if it’s done on purpose but I felt like it made sense to me.

Other Recommendations: View the whole album tbh

Boyhood // Changmo

We are finally at the last one and this one - I would definitely say it’s a new re-discovery for me. This is just an amazing album. Changmo really outdid himself and served this masterpiece! He even made it to the top of the charts like YOU REALLY DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOBS I’m so proud of him.

Other Recommendations: REMEDY, meet me in Toronto, Hotel Walkerhill

Hate Everything // Golden

Our Golden boy is back (no pun intended)!!!!! I had to re-edit this list just to add this album to this list. I love his songs so much and HIS VOICE - my goodness, so beautiful...

Other Recommendations: Broken Record, Confidence, Dingo Killing Voice

Honourable Mentions: Stray Kids, CL, BiBi, SAAY, Crush, punchnello

That’s it for my Top Songs of 2019! Was any of your favourites in my list? Let me know!

[idontknowwhatsarcasmis]

The Lost Moments - Endgame

I’ll admit that the film reaaaaaaaaally got me upset and I was very much discouraged to write the next chapter…. Sorry about that! BUT my life has also gotten ridiculously crazy with post graduation, work and shit soo it wasn’t juuust cause I was angry at the franchise… But recently I watched the trailer for “Away From Home” and Maria *talks in the trailer*, guys! She has LINES!! =D

Soooo I sat my ass and tried to write more haha! Hope you enjoy it =D

Also, hooray for me for posting this BEFORE the new Spider Man comes out… it was hard XD I’m sleepy, but almost yay!

P.S.: Sorry for the possible tears… but pleaaase comment! :D

P.P.S.: Pleaaaaase don’t hate me! If you guys ask nicely I miiight continue!

Ao3

Ff.net

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The ship had barely landed and Natasha was already tripping her way down, arms wide and ready as her daughter threw herself at her. Tears broke out as soon as she felt the slim arms around her body. Pain shot through her side because of her injuries, but she barely felt it.

She didn’t care.

As soon as she felt she sweet smell of her daughter's perfume as she cradled Nicky's head closer to her, the shaking started. Natasha could not tell if it came from her or Nicky, but soon the sobs that came out had a very clear point of origin. Natasha had to fight hard not to wallow in despair alongside her daughter.

"Momma, Ka-kaelan, momma…"

Natasha pulled her tighter, tapping into whatever pool of strength she had left to keep control over her emotions.

She could feel the others back on the ramp, giving them time.

“I know, little one.” She said, voice trembling. For the first time in decades, Natasha wished she hadn’t tried so hard to overcome her Black Widow’s training. She wanted to be able to talk to her daughter without falling apart.

“He’s just gone, momma. G-Gone.” Her daughter kept saying, voice becoming an incomprehensible sound as the sobs become worse.

Natasha closed her eyes tighter, biting her lip so hard it drew blood. She couldn’t say anything. There was nothing she could think of… Maria would have known what to say. Oh, she knew her wife would have been heartbroken as well, but she knew Maria would know just the right words.

God, not even 24 hours and she was already a mess without her.

She opened her eyes and looked up to the sky, trying to blink away the tears, taking deep breaths.

Making shushing noises, Natasha crouched to pick up her daughter – not a feat as easy as it once was, especially with her whole body aching from the fight and grief, but the weight still brought her comfort. To have her daughter so close to her, a piece of her and Maria.

She walked up to the front porch, opening the door and picking up a blanket before sitting down on the couch with Nicky on her lap. She felt more than saw the others approaching and closing the door behind her.

“It’s gonna be alright, little one.”

She let her daughter cry on her shoulder, just repeating the words like a mantra. Her eyes glanced around the room, watching her friends who were still there, standing in her living room with tears in their eyes. They were all silent, staring at nothing, minds far from this place, where they’d met so many times to celebrate or joke around. Natasha’s eyes closed once more as she caressed Nicky’s hair.

“W-where is Clint?” Steve said after what was probably half an hour. Natasha froze, looking around her, and it clicked. Something really didn’t add up. Clint. Where was he? Why was he not here, with her daughter, his goddaughter?

“He left.” A broken voice whispered.

Silence.

“What?” Thor asked, taking one step closer, voice barely above a murmur.

“H-he came to see me after…after…” She trailed off, but now she wasn’t the only one shaking.

"He did WHAT?!" Natasha asked, using her hands to push Nicky away a bit so she could look her in the eyes.

"He left... aunt Laura and… and Nataniel and Cooper and Lila... they vanished… l-like Kaelan…"

Natasha just kept looking at her, her mind blank.

"Uncle Clint, he looked at me.... hugged me... said he was sorry... and left."

Steve was quick to pick up Nicky from her lap one second before she got up, phone on her ear as she stormed through the house towards the backyard.

Voicemail.

Redial

Voicemail.

Redial.

Voicemail.

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Natasha screamed as soon as she was far enough. “How DARE you Clint?! My kid just lost her brother and her mother, and you left her?! ALONE?!” She was fuming, walking around blindly, hoping that Nicky couldn’t hear her. “You fucking bastard! How could you?! You are her godfather!! COME BACK! She needs you! We need you! Clint, for fuck’s sake! I need you!” She dropped on her knees, tears back on her eyes as she punched the ground.

“Please Clint…what do I do? I can’t do this by myself…”

Strong arms wrapped around her, tightly.

“You’re not alone, Nat.” Steve’s voice sounded soothing in her ears. Broken, but sincere. “You’ll never be alone, okay?”

Natasha just nodded, letting her phone drop as she let herself beheld for a second. Steve pulled away to look at her. He hesitated on saying something, and Natasha almost scoffed.

“What is it, Steve?” What else could happen to hurt her, after all.

Steve looked pained. Even more than before.

“Nicky… Nicky’s asking where’s M-maria...” He finally said, and Natalia wished that she hadn’t asked anything.

Her daughter needed her. Needed her to answer that her mother was not coming home. That Natasha had failed. That Maria was never coming home, cause Natasha had been too incompetent to stop that fucking bastard.

Taking a deep breath, Natasha got up and walked back to her house, head held high, hands shaking with the effort of trying to look calm. Trying to look comforting. Trying to look exactly the opposite of what she was feeling. She felt more than heard Steve right behind her, whispering her name, but she couldn’t stop. She needed to do this now.

She could do this. She could look her daughter in the eyes and comfort her as she said it. As she told her Maria would not come back.

She walked through the back door and the kitchen. They were still in the living room. Nicky was sitting on the sofa, wrapped around a blanket Maria had gotten especially for her.

She could do this.

Silence.

She could d-

"Momma... where... where's mama?

Natasha closed her eyes, fists tightening. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. She tried a second time. Nothing.

Nicky got up, shaky hands touching Natasha’s.

“Momma?”

Silence.

She didn't need to say anything anymore. She felt her daughter jerk one step away. Knew she was looking at the others for confirmation.

She knew the second she found it.

The tears fell down once more and the shaking doubled.

Shame.

She'd failed the Universe and her team.

She'd failed her daughter.

She'd failed her son.

She'd failed Maria.

She was no good. To anyone.

It should have been her.

Xxxx

Natasha hugged Nicky tightly as the others got ready to get on the ship.

“You’ll bring them back?” Her daughter asked. “Both of them?”

Natasha didn’t dare answer. What if they couldn’t?

They had to…

But what if…?

“Momma?” Her daughter’s voice was desperate with hope.

She felt all of her companions hold themselves back at that. Knew they all wanted to come and hug Nicky with her. All of them, no exception. They’d grown as a family. Despite all the pain and anger that may have happened through the years between them, Maria and her two kids were a point of reference for every Avenger. The superheroes were all rather tied around Nicky and Kaelan’s fingers.

“Ma?” Nick asked again, voice once more worried and Natasha broke.

“Yeah…” she whispered, hearing everyone sucking in their breaths. “W-we’ll…” she swallowed “We’ll do our best, okay? We’ll bring them back.”

“Promise?”

Natasha closed her eyes, tears forming up.

“Baby, please…”

“Promise, momma!”

Her daughter was crying and Natasha caved.

“I promise.”

They had to bring them back. They had to.

Cause Natasha just didn’t know what she’d if they didn’t.

It should have been her.

Xxxx

Hope.

Hope was a funny thing, wasn't it?

So easy to build. Equally easy to destroy. Very hard to forget.

All very much represented in one phrase. In the swoop of Thor's axe.

In one head rolling on a dirty floor.

Gone.

Poof.

Swish.

Just like Kaelan and just like Maria.

Now she'd have to go back home and take the hope away from Nicky again. She closed her yes.

She wouldn't blame Natasha. She had too much of Maria in her. Of her Masha. She wouldn't blame her. No one would. They didn't have to. Natasha blamed herself enough for it.

She felt Danvers’ hand on one shoulder and Steve’s on the other. She wanted to shrug them off, but couldn’t muster the strength.

It should have been her.

Xxxx

Five years.

Five years go by really fast.

And, at the same time, it went by so painfully slow

Nicky grew up, of course, into an amazing teenager. At the age of 13, she was already so very much like Maria in personality that it was actually quite scary to look at. If she didn’t know better, Natasha would have said the two were actually blood related. Even after five years, Natasha wasn’t sure if it hurt more or less to see her wife in the movements, the words, and the looks her daughter would throw around. In the pose of a hand. In a raised eyebrow. In a glare…

All of the Avengers had kept in touch in a way. Always showing up for her birthday and special occasions. Tony, Pepper and their little girl in particular made sure to always come by and let the two girls get to know each other. Steve was always around. The most frequent visitor. It seemed he’d taken upon himself to be there for every little thing Natasha and Nicky needed. Natasha appreciated it more than she had words for, and she knew that Maria would have as well.

As for Natasha herself, well... She had no idea how she’d survived those past five years. She didn’t really remember how she’d gotten day by day. She just knew that she’d tried her best. She’d been right; Nicky hadn’t blamed her. There had been no need, though, as the broken sobs her daughter cried in her arms when the group returned from their failed mission had stayed with her since that day. Every time she kissed her girl to sleep (cause she still did it every night, even with her being a teenager now), she’d hear it as she closed the door. And she’d fall asleep with that sound. With the sound of a ringing phone and no answer.

It should have been her.

Xxxx

Natasha just kept looking at Steve on the other side of the table.

Hope.

As she heard Scott talking and talking about time travel, and all that crazy stuff, the only thing on her mind was ‘hope’.

Maria.

Kaelan.

Hope.

It was selfish, but she didn’t care. Hope of fixing this sad excuse for a life. Hope of having the love of her life in her arms again. Of having her little boy running around their backyard.

Her whole family together.

“So, who do we talk to about this?” Scott asked.

Natasha was halfway through the room by the time he’d finished asking. She didn’t bother to turn back; she knew Steve was gonna take Scott to the ship and tell him to keep his mouth shut.

She had a daughter to wake up and a billionaire to visit.

Xxxx

As soon as Morgan saw Nicky, she ran from Tony’s to her daughter’s arm.

“Nicky!”

“Morgan, hi!”

“You came to see me!”

Natasha had to laugh at the statement, not a question. that came from the little Stark. That was all Tony.

“I have! Let’s continue that game we started last time you came over?” Her daughter asked, voice excited, and Natasha knew it wasn’t fake at all, even though she’d asked Nicky to distract Morgan when they arrived.  She hadn’t questioned anything, and Natasha thanked her lucky stars (if there were any) for that; she did not want to give Nicky hope again if it had no foundation.

The group watched as the two girls excitedly entered the house, hearing Pepper greet them warmly inside.

“That was below the belt. Using your kid. Not fair, ‘Tasha.” Tony said in lieu of greeting. Eyes never leaving Scott. “You’re alive.”

 Natasha stepped between them.

“We need to talk, Stark. Now.”

“Stark? This is serious.”

“You’ve no idea.

…

Every rebuttal from Tony’s lips made Natasha’s fist tighten with anger.

“That’s right, Scott, I won’t. Even. Got a kid.”

Natasha snapped.

“And weren’t you lucky she wasn’t born yet five years ago.”

Everyone went silence. She knew why. She knew how her voice sounded. Dead silent. Devoid of any apparent emotion, just a deadly fury hiding underneath.

She was done being nice. She didn’t care about the slim chances. Didn’t care if it was based on a fucking film. She wanted her family back, and he was denying her that chance.

“Yeah. I was. Very lucky, and I don’t intend to mess with that.”

“So all those that weren’t that lucky? Screw them, right? You’re still the same damn selfish son of a –“

“Oh, don’t act like you’re all so different, Natasha!” Tony raised his voice to match hers, both ignoring the warning tone from Steve. “If it was the other way round you’d-“

“I’d what Stark? We’ll never know what I’d do, cause I don’t have them! I don’t! I didn’t even get to say goodbye, Tony! All I’m asking is for you to give us a fucking chance to get the people we love back!” She knew she was crying, could feel the tears running down her cheek and she got madder.

“You’re asking me to risk the life I have!”

“I’m asking you to get off your ass and fight, goddamn it!”

She said, taking one step forward, hands gripping the lapels of his jacket. Steve and Scott both took a step closer with her.

“Nat, stop.”

Steve was trying. Natasha knew he wouldn’t succeed.

“Natasha, it’s suicide. There is absolutely no guarantee-“

“I’m good with that.”

“We’ll, I’m not in the mood for dying!”

Natasha heard steps coming on the porch. Part of her knew that both their kids were now watching, and so was Pepper. She didn’t care. He needed to agree to this.

She wasn’t the only one to notice the new spectators though.

“Think of your daughter, then. What if you die in this?” Tony said, voice low, hands gripping her wrists back just as tightly.

“I’m trying to get her other mother, brother and the fucking world back.” she seethed, gritting her teeth so hard it almost hurt.

“You really think Maria wou-“

She didn’t hesitate, her fist left the jacket and flew straight to his face at the mention on Maria’s name.

“Momma!”

“Dad!”

The two kids shouted, but no one moved, not even Pepper.

“Do not. She’d do anything. She’d have rationalized a plan. And she’d have done it years ago.” Natasha whispered, voice broken.

“Yeah… she would have.” Tony agreed, fingers lightly touching his nose to check the damage. As she looked back at him, she saw tears in his eyes, but Natasha knew it wasn’t from the pain. She’d held back. His nose wasn’t even broken.

“I’m sorry, Nat. I really am.”

Natasha turned around and left. Not looking at her daughter’s slightly confused, slightly hurt eyes. Didn’t look at the pity in Pepper’s. She just walked, focusing on her breathing. Already planning on how to get to wherever the fuck Bruce was.

As they were all sitting and the quinjet was taking off, Natasha just mumbled.

“Green.”

Steve nodded. Scott and Nicky looking confused.

“We need a bigger brain.” He explained.

Nicky got it. Scott didn’t.

Her daughter rolled her eyes.

“Uncle Bruce.”

“Who?”

She stared at him and, at any other moment, Natasha would have laughed at her daughter telling off Ant-man.

“The Hulk… duh.” Steve did laugh. Scott just looked ridiculously embarrassed with blushing cheeks.

“Ah…”

Xxxx

“Well, you pulled this off. I remember a time when that seemed pretty impossible too.” Natasha said, eyes never leaving Bruce’s.

He sighed, shoulders dropping, and Natasha held back her breath.

“He said no, didn’t he?” Bruce asked, eyes on the ceiling.

Her fists tightened, and she let Steve answer that.

“Yeah… He did. He has… reasons.”

Before Natasha could open her mouth, Steve was already speaking again.

“We might not agree with his decisions, but we can’t deny his reasoning behind it, Nat. You know we can’t.”

She just shook her head, refusing to speak at all in fear of saying something she might regret later. She just looked at Bruce again, who was analyzing his hands.

Silence.

“Bruce… please.” She mumbled, and at any other time she’d have flinched at her own tone. At how pathetic and desperate she sounded. She knew all eyes were on her. She didn’t care. She’d do anything for a chance at getting all of her family back. Anything.

“Okay.”

It was like she could breathe again.

Xxxx

“Momma?”

“Yeah?” Natasha mumbled, eyes fixed on Bruce and Scott as the he gave instructions to the latter.

“This is crazy.”

Natasha bit back a laugh.

“Well… most of our plans have always been crazy.”

“Momma…”

“Good! Cause if we blow the grid, I don’t wanna lose tiny here in the 1950s!” Bruce said, and it snapped Natasha to attention, her eyes widening like her daughter’s and everyone else’s in the room.

“Excuse me?” Scott panicked, almost backing away from the machine.

“He’s kidding!” she was quick to say, taking a step closer to Bruce, knowing her daughter was right behind her. “You can’t say things like that!” She angry whispered to him.

“It was a bad joke!”

Natasha shook her head. Glancing at Nicky, who was just now shooting her an incredulous look, she turned back to Banner.

“You were kidding, right?”

“I have no idea. We’re talking about time travelling here!”

Natasha felt a tug on her top.

“Momma…”

Natasha just nodded this time.

“Yeah, okay…”

3

Maybe this was a bad idea.

2

But… Maria…

1

Kaelan...

Bruce pressed the button and all of them held their breaths.

A teenager… a teenager was in front of them.

“Guys… who’s that?” Nicky asked.

“Ahm…” Bruce said as he stared.

“Is that Scott?!” Natasha asked incredulous.

“Yes!”

Button.

“Oh dear…” Nicky said, hands sort of covering her eyes, but not really. Natasha felt like doing the same.

Old Scott.

“Momma, this is not working.” Nicky deadpanned.

Sometimes Natasha hated how similar her daughter was to her and Maria.

“Yes, baby, I can see that.”

Another try. A baby.

A fucking baby.

They were doomed.

Bruce waved his hand at her urgently.

“When I say kill the power, kill the power!”

“Oh my god.” She mumbled heading towards the generator, ignoring her daughter’s disbelief look.

As soon as she hit the switch, they all stopped, holding their breaths.

“Somebody peed my pants...” Scott, an apparently normal Scott, said.

“Oh, thank god.” Natasha exhaled, letting herself drop against the wall. She saw her daughter shaking her head and leaving the room right about the time Bruce yelled something about this being time travel.

Maybe her kid and Tony had a point... this was too crazy even for them.

Xxxx

“Feeling more confident?” Natasha asked her daughter, a smile on her voice.

The beam she got in return made her heart lighter. Hope. Hope shone brighter than the damn sun in her Nicky’s eyes, and it lit up Natasha from the inside out. Because this had to work. There was no way around it.

“Well, Uncle Tony is in on it now! Nothing against Uncle Bruce, but I mean…”

Natasha laughed; it’d been a long time since she’d seen her daughter this free. This… happy.

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” Pulling her into a hug, Natasha just sighed happily. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell him.”

“Don’t tell either of them… Uncle Tony would get an even bigger head!”

The two shared a laugh at that.

“He really would.” Natasha agreed.

Mother and daughter stood quiet for a few moments, both staring at the frame on the opposite wall.

It was the four of them. Maria and Natasha each had a kid on their hips. Smiling like it was the happiest day of their lives. Natasha smiled; she remembered that day. Natasha had just settled home for good and Maria had been ‘fired’, so it had been the first day of a long period of time where they would just be together. Just the four of them and visits from their odd little family once every so often. They were happy.

The happiest Natasha had ever been.

“We’ll get them back, momma.”

Natasha started when her daughter spoke. She was so focused on the picture and the memory that she’d had a momentary lapse. She looked at Nicky; the intensity of her gaze made Natasha think of her wife once more.

“Yeah. We will.”

Cause she really had no idea what to do if they didn’t this time.

Xxxx

“Natasha, someone has to get him. Someone has to stop him.” Steve said, voice clear.

She hummed, eyes fixed on the ground outside. Steve sighed.

“Natasha-“

“He left, Steve. He just left her here. Alone.”

There was silence. Steve knew there was no possible excuse for Clint having left Nichole alone the way he did. None of them would have done it. None of them should have done it. No matter the circumstance. They were family. Family.

“Nat, he… he knew we’d get there so-”

“He did not know that. He didn’t. He had no fucking clue if any of us were alive, Steve. So don’t bullshit me. He left like it didn’t matter. Like he didn’t care, so why should I go now then?! Why should I try to save the bastard who left her, who left all of us when we most needed him?!”

She didn’t realize she’d started shouting, but she had. By the end of her tirade, she’d turned around and was starting at Steve with tears in her eyes, heart beating fast. The wound was 5 years old, but it still hurt. Everything about that day still hurt deeply. But there was nothing to be done about some things… anger was easier. More liberating.

“Why should I bother, Steve? Just because we have hope? He wouldn’t stick around when we needed him, so why would I try and giving him anything?”

She asked and saw hope leaving his eyes.

“Nat-“

“Because it’s the right thing to do.”

Natasha and Steve both turned around fast towards the door.

“Nicky…”

“Because it’s the right thing to do, momma. Yes, he was a coward. Yes, he left. But he’s still Hawkeye. He’s still Uncle Clint in there somewhere. Even after everything... You got him back once, ma. You can do it again.”

“Nicky, what he did… How can I-“

“We’re not the only ones hurting, momma.” Her daughter came closer, grasping both her hands in her slightly smaller ones. “You still had me left. And I had you. Can you imagine if that hadn’t been the case?”

“Nicky!” she admonished her. She didn’t wanna think of it. Never. It’d come so close to it.

“Momma.” she said, voice steady and serious, the look on her eyes so full of trust, love and determination that it was as if Maria was staring at her, chastising her for being too stubborn. “I know you wouldn’t have done the same as him, but momma, I know enough to know that it’d have crossed your mind.”

Natasha stopped, staring at her daughter. At the faith she had in her. Natasha wasn’t so sure she wouldn’t have done the same as Clint… the killing part, not the-

“I’d never have left any of the kids. Never.” she said instead.

“I know, momma. I’m not saying to forgive and forget. But he needs to be stopped. If not for himself, ma, then for Aunt Laura and my cousins. When they come back, they deserve better than what Uncle Clint has become.” she said, with such an air of certainty and finality that Natasha felt as if she was being sent off on a mission.

A chuckle coming from behind, told her she wasn’t the only one.

“It’s uncanny, isn’t it?” Natasha asked, cupping Nicky’s cheek with one hand.

The girl blushed as Steve laughed. Natasha smiled, feeling a bit of laughter coming up as well. She needed that.

“Mommaaaaa!” Her daughter complained, making both adults lose their restraint and really give in to the moment, making it much lighter than it was before.

Cheeks still red, Nicky puffed “I was being serious!”

Still chuckling, Steve approached her, putting one arm around her shoulders.

“We know, squirt. But it was really funny how it brought back many, many memories.” There was a nostalgic smile on his face, and Natasha knew the same was on hers, if perhaps a bit more pained.

There was a small silence.

“Do I really act that much like her?” her daughter’s voice was quiet. Almost as if she were afraid to bring up Maria’s name. Natasha knew it was her fault… She’d always get in a weird mood when Maria was mentioned. Her punching Tony was proof enough of that. She swallowed the lump on her throat and managed as proud a smile as she could.

“Yeah. Especially when you get bossy like that. You look and sound exactly like M-Maria.” She said, and both Steve and Nicky’s eyes widened at that.

…It hadn’t been that long since she’d said her name… had it?

“Yeah?” Nicky asked, shyly.

“Yeah.”

“And you’ll talk with Uncle Clint?”

“I’ll kick his ass.” She answered.

“Back here?”

“I’ll try.”

“Good. I’ll take that.”

Steve laughed again. “This is ridiculous!”

Mother and daughter laughed at that.  Natasha looked at Steve.

“Stay with her?”

He looked her in the eye.

“Always.”

Xxxx

“Alright, I’m going…”

It’d be the first time they were apart since coming back with news of Thanos’ death. Natasha was really reluctant. And now that they had to say goodbye, she could see Nicky (despite her hard orders) also hesitating.

“Yeah… kick his ass, momma… then bring him back, yeah?” Her daughter asked, arms still around Natasha’s waist.

“Yeah, I’ll try.” She answered. “To bring him back, I mean. I know I can kick his ass.”

“Okay!” Nicky laughed, squeezing her one more time before letting her go. Natasha was a bit slower to do the same.

With one last smile, she turned to head to the quinjet.

“Momma… be careful.”

Natasha pause. Closing her eyes, an unbidden smile came to her lips.

“Is that an order, little agent?”

She just knew her daughter was straightening her shoulders.

“It is, agent Hill!”

“Aye, aye, ma’am.”

With a smile, and an ease she hadn’t felt in years, Natasha boarded the ship.

Xxxx

"You son of a bitch." Natasha said quietly. Silent fury still there, reaching this massive strength that was just ready to explode.

All of her guilt, all of her frustration and anger and hatred and hurt of five years about to come unleashed and she couldn't stop it.

She did not want to stop.

He turned.

"Nat...I'm-"

She didn't let him finish, she attacked.

It was ugly. It was bloody. And both her wife and daughter would be sorely disappointed in her (or them both). By the time it was over, Natasha was hurting in places she did not remember could get hurt. Lying on the floor opposite of Clint, who also looked like he couldn’t move at all, she spat some blood.

“Ouch.” Clint said after a while.

“Yeah.” Natasha mumbled, feeling her ribs hurt at even that. Maybe those five years had made her soft.

“Let’s not do this again.” he said.

“Don’t make me want to do it, then.”

She couldn’t see it, but Nat knew he was nodding.

Silence.

“I am sorry, Nat.”

“That doesn’t cut it, Clint…”

A sigh.

“I know.”

“But it’s a start.”

They both smiled at each other. It was a start.

As they both helped each other to the quinjet, Natasha started to laugh.

“What?”

“You do know that as much as this hurts right now, Nicky’s waiting for you when we get home, right?”

The fact that Clint went paler than ever before made Natasha feel better than a punch or two possibly could.

Xxxx

"Barton." The clipped voice, the squared shoulders reminded Natasha so much of Maria she had to look away. She saw some of the others do the same.

She saw the hurt appear and disappear from Clint's face, and she knew that he didn't believe he deserved to feel hurt. He was right.

"Nicky."

Everyone held their breath as she approached him.

She was expecting a punch. He was expecting one. Hell, everyone in the room was probably expecting one. Natasha would definitely have punched him. Natasha had punched him.

Repeatedly.

But then again, Maria was there as well; it was not just Natasha.

Nicky just looked him in the eye for close to one minute. One tense minute, before she turned and started walking away.

Natasha was about to let a relieved breath, when it happened.

"I'm so sor-"

The punch was so fast that Natasha would have admitted she was impressed even if that wasn't her daughter right there. As it were... she was hella impressed. And also very proud.

"I don't hate you. But please don't speak to me. Not now."

She turned around before anyone could say anything, walking from the room.

Silence ran for a bit longer, the echo of her steps fading away.

"Clint?" Antman asked.

He made a very pained noise.

"That hurt."

Natasha smiled. Well, she had a lot of Maria in her alright, but she also definitely had some of her in there as well.

Xxxx

As everyone was just standing there, looking at the glass platform, Natasha took one step forward. The chance to see Maria and Kaelan, if just for one second, was more than enough.

“I’ll do it.”

Before she could take one more though, a hand on her top pulled her back.

Nicky.

Natasha froze.

This had a huge probability of going ridiculously wrong. The chances of her not coming back were real. And she was just gonna go and leave Nicky behind?

What the hell was wrong with her.

None of the avengers said anything as she stared at her daughter’s eyes, worry clear there, a sort of desperation that Natasha hadn’t seen in years. She was the cause of that. She was the reason her daughter’s hand was gripping her shirt with fear. She didn’t even have to say anything; the silence and emotion on her face was more than enough.

Maria would not have made this mistake. Would not have so willingly offer herself up when Nicky still needed her.

It should have been her. It’d been a while since she actively thought that, but it was true, wasn’t it? Maria would have… Maria...

“I…”

“I’m game. I’ll do it.” Clint offered himself up, interrupting whatever stupid excuse she’d have come up with.

Natasha looked at him; he just nodded.

Taking one step back again, Nicky wrapped her arms tightly around her torso, and Natasha put her own arm around her shoulder, pulling her close.

I’m sorry, she wanted to say. But no words came out.

As she watched Clint go up the steps, she held her breath.

5

4

3

2

1

Back. He was back.

She ran towards him, and this time Nicky didn’t stop her; she was right there with her.

“Hey, hey. Look at me. You okay?” she asked, wanting to ask so many other things, but holding herself back.

“Yeah. It worked, Nat. It worked.” he said, eyes meeting hers right on. A light shining fiercely there. A hope so strong, that Natasha’s heart started to beat faster.

Her daughter’s hand was gripping her arm tightly.

“It worked?”

“We’ll get them back, Nat.”

“All of them.”

“All of them.” The answer didn’t just come from Clint, but from everyone in the room. Natasha looked around. At her family, determinated faces, a united front with one goal. Saving the ones they loved. Saving the whole universe.

She smiled, tears in her eyes.

“Let’s do this.”

Xxxx

“You guys look very sad right now.”

From her uncomfortable position on top of the table she and Tony decided to have an impromptu nap on, Natasha raised her head to look at her daughter

“Well, thank you.”

“You’re as tactful as your mama.” Tony’s voice came from her side, but he didn’t move at all.

“And as smart.” Nicky said in a voice that brook no argument, making the three adults in the room move to look at her properly.

“Not that I doubt it, but what?” Tony asked.

“Well, genius.” the sarcasm in her voice was too much and Natasha had to cough not to laugh.

“Yeah, little Hill?”

“You didn’t realize that, if you pick the right year, there are three stones in New York, did you?”

Silence.

Wait… what?

“What?!” Tony jumped off of the table, along with Nat and Bruce.

“Shut the front door!”

Nicky rolled her eyes, a smirk on her lips.

“And you call yourselves superheroes.”

That little smirk, that light in her eyes, Nat could see, made the whole room relax.

That was her girl.

Xxxx

They were all there, up in the glass platform already. Except her.

Natasha was standing with Nicky. Her hand gripping hers so tightly, that Nat was sure she must be hurting, but she didn’t show. She knew what could happen… she sniffed to get rid of the tears gathering in her eyes.

“Momma?”

Closing her eyes quickly, Natasha opened them and turned to hug her daughter as tightly as she could.

“It’ll work out, baby.” She said, fiercely. “Mama will be back soon, with your brother, okay?”

“And you, momma. It has to be all of us. We’re a team, remember? You said so.”

Natasha squeezed her tighter.

Silence.

“Yeah. We’re a team.”

“You’re coming back.”

It was an affirmative, not a question, but Natasha would not know the answer even if it was.

She squeezed her tighter.

“Momma?”

“We’ll succeed, okay?” She said, pulling back to kiss Nick’s cheek, but refusing to meet her eye.

“Momma?”

“You stay here, we’ll be back before you know it.” She said, caressing her cheek and kissing her forehead before getting up.

Natasha turned her back, tears running down her cheeks now.

“I love you.”

She stopped at her place beside Clint and finally turned to meet Nicky’s teary eyes.

“I love you too, baby. It will work.”

She said loudly.

“It will work.” Her daughter repeated, and with a last tight smile, without moving her gaze, they were gone.

Xxxx

A soul for a soul. So this was how it was gonna end… It’s wasn’t too bad, exchanging her life for those she loved. She couldn’t leave Clint to die. As she looked at Clint, she tried to push the image of Nicky’s teary eyed face from her mind.

“I guess we do.”

“I’m starting to think we’re thinking of different people here, Natasha.”

A raised eyebrow from her side, a slight foot movement from his, and they were off. It was that day in Japan once more. running, punching, tripping, and somehow, they were both dangling off the damn cliff. Clint holding on to Natasha so she wouldn’t fall.

“Come on, Nat! This makes no sense!”

“How doesn’t it?!”

“All I’ve done, Nat! How can I face Laura and my children like this?!” he shouted.

“Don’t be a coward, Clint! They will love you regardless! Don’t run from your mistakes! You taught me that!” she said, and immediately regretted it.

Natasha closed her eyes, the hand gripping her arm tightening.

“Have I taught you that? Am I really the one running here, Nat?” His voice was quieter now, but it was ringing louder than a shout in her ears.

She shook her head. It should have been her; it would be her. Natasha had screwed up. She did everything wrong. Maria would do it right. Her daughter wouldn’t be alone. She had her uncles and aunts. She’d have Maria.

It should have been her.

“What if it doesn’t work, Nat? Nicky will need you!”

“If this doesn’t work, we’ll be as good as dead anyway!”

“No, we won’t! You told me not to leave her, you don’t get to go ahead and do it well, Nat!”

“I’ve been surviving, Clint. Not living. I can’t carry on without her, Clint. I can’t!” she cried out. “If this doesn’t work, if I can’t bring them back … I don’t know how I didn’t the first time! I’ll lose it, Clint!”

“No you won’t! Nicky knows you won’t, I know you won’t… You’re stronger than me, Nat. You’re stronger than all of us… You could have lifted that damn hammer if you’d tried!”

She shook her head at that, tears running freely on her face. Maria had told her that once. She still didn’t believe it.

“And what if we do it, Nat?! What if they come back? How do I look Maria in the eye, and tell her I let you jump to your death?!”

She closed her eyes. She couldn’t imagine Maria’s face in pain. No.

“How do I tell Laura?!”

“You have a daughter that’s ALIVE, Nat! ALIVE!” He screamed and Natasha’s heart clenched. “If our positions were reversed, would you let me jump?!”

“Bu-“

“No! Nicky needs you, Nat… Maria and Kaelan will need you too… They already lost their parents once, Nat…”

Natasha laughed out of despair. She couldn’t do it… It should have been her, but to cause this much pain to Nicky… to Maria, to Kaelan. She couldn’t. Damn Barton, for making her think.

“Fuck you, Barton…”

Nicky, I’m so sorry for what I almost did… Maria, Kaelan…

“If Laura kills me for this, I’m punching you in the afterlife!” Natasha screamed, hand tightening on his arm as she prepared to climb back.

Clint laughed, a teary and desperate sound.

“Yeah, you do that.”

Looking in his eyes again, Natasha put a foot on the hill, to get impulse.

“Come on, Nat.”

“Love you, brother.”

“I love you too, sis.”

Push.

Stone crumbled.

Loose hand.

Fall.

Natasha only realized what was happening because of the horror in Clint’s eyes. She didn’t hear his scream. Didn’t feel the wind on her back.

Nicky…

Kaelan…

Maria…

I’m sorry.

Xxxx

The sound of Nicky’s scream would forever stay with all of the Avengers, of that they were very much sure. The punches she threw on Clint’s chest were nothing, nothing compared to the hole he felt inside. They were nothing compared to the complete and utter destruction they saw in her eyes.

As they gathered around to snap the damn fingers, she wouldn’t leave Steve’s side. Glued to him as if he was the only thing keeping her up. And he probably was. Tears in everyone’s eyes.

Birds. Plants.

It worked.

And then it was a mess and they were fighting Thanos again.

“Where is Nicky!?” Clint shouted into his comms.

“She’s safe! Tony, get her away from here! To a quinjet to her house, go!” Steve screamed back.

“Laura will be there, tell her to go!” Clint shouted back.

“Will do!”

He was gonna save her. He had to.

As portals started appearing left and right, and a gigantic Hellicarrier showed up, Clint felt a huge wave of relief, but also an even bigger weight on his shoulders.

Maria.

Fuck.

Xxxx

As she observed the field beneath her, barking orders left and right, Maria zeroed in on the little group of superheroes at the front.

No redheads.

Well, her sight wasn’t that good. It was quite far away.

She ordered people to stand at the ready and prepare to engage, making sure all hands were at the proper stations, before tapping in her comms.

“Nat?”

She asked, trying to keep her voice from showing her longing to hear her wife.

Silence.

Her hand started to shake. She closed them into fists, crossing her arms.

“Steve! Clint! Where's Nat?”

They were silent, and Maria stopped all movement.

“Clint?”

Silence.

“BARTON! ROGERS!”

No answer.

“Stark? Thor? Bruce?”

No one answered her.

That in itself was all the answer she needed. The one answer she didn’t ever want to have.

“Maria... I-” Steve started, but she interrupted him.

“Don't." Her voice was numb. Devoid of any emotion. She kept looking ahead, at the war waging under her, but it meant nothing anymore.

Natasha... Nat was...

She closed her eyes, a ringing sounding in her ear so loud that it made everything else fade away.

She started to feel dizzy, a sense of out of body experience taking over her. Why shouldn't she leave? Why shouldn't she go and, hopefully, meet Natasha in whatever it was that came after this? What was the point in coming back if her wife, the one who has made sure she was happier than she'd ever been, was gone? What was the point?

There was none.

She felt her knees buckle. Her body and mind were screaming at her to just give up. Her heart was broken and bleeding and just begging to see Natasha again.

She let go.

But before she could actually fall, before she could reach the ground and just let it all just go away, two arms grabbed her around the waist.

She tried to fight it, eyes still closed but the ringing started to lower in volume. She suddenly became aware of far too many voices in her ear screaming her name, pleading for her to respond, to talk.

She didn't wanna talk.

"Maria."

Coulson. The arms around her, a voice not in her ear but by her side.

She gasped.

"Maria, Nicky and Kaelan are at home, waiting for you to go back after this.” His voice was fast and quiet, but starting to make sense. “The Avengers need you right now. The Universe needs you present. We need you to be strong just a little longer."

Her kids. They were both alive. She had to make sure they remained that way. But...Nat...

Nat...

She opened her eyes to look at her best friend, the tears that somehow gathered there making it harder to see. By how close they were, though, she could see his eyes were red, and his whole expression was that of pain.

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

She tried again.

"Nat…" she said. Or tried to, she wasn't sure that the sounds she managed to produce could count as a word.

The voices in her ear went quiet.

"I know." Phil said, voice low. After a beat he continued "Nicky and Kaelan, Maria. They're waiting for you."

Maria closed her eyes and shook her head. She had seen out of the corner of her eyes everyone in the Hellicarrier looking at them. She must have been louder than she thought. She could feel their sympathy. She didn't want their sympathy. She wanted her wife.

"They are waiting for their mums. Together." Maria rasped out. Her voice hollower than ever before.

"You're not alone, Maria."

Everyone in their comms repeated the sentiment, Nick's voice resounding louder than everyone else’s.

"For Nicky and Kaelan, Hill."

She opened her eyes and looked around. Everyone was waiting for her. Waiting for her orders, for her to get herself together as a war waged on down on Earth.

'Come on, commander' she heard her wife's voice, saw her face. 'Kick them to hell and back'

She squared her shoulders and put her hands behind her back, taking one step away from Phil with a nod. Her body was still shaking, her heart still broken. But there'd be a time for this. A time to grieve. Now she had to make sure there'd be a tomorrow for her kids. Her friends. Her family.

"For Nicky and Kaelan. For... Natasha." she whispered, and Phil nodded at her.

She looked at the room at large. She took a deep, shaky, breath.

"To your stations, agents. Rain it down on them. Protect our people. Now!" she barked the orders, and everyone turned around, fire in their eyes. She let muscle memory take over her, let the years and years of command take control in this hour of need.

She'd break down later.

Xxxx

Steve looked at the stones, and looked at what he could have.

He could give them all back, go back to the 70s and stay there... he could just live the rest of his life with Peggy. But then, he stopped. He remembered. He remembered Maria's face as she saw Natasha walking down the aisle. He remembered Maria's kind smile when she put the lasagna on the table. He remembered Kaelan and Nicky running around the backyard, laughing and shouting and just being kids. All the Avengers together on that house, just being friends. Being a family.

He remembered Natasha's expression of pure and unaltered joy after so much pain and suffering. He remembered the joy of the two kids at having two mothers that loved them. The pain they went through when they lost their biological parents. He remembered all of it. He could see it as clearly as the mountain in front of him.

And he couldn't do that. He couldn't alter the future.

He knew what he had to do.

Xxxx

“A soul for a soul.”

Hollow eyes stared back at him.

The skeletal face nodded, ever so slightly

“A soul for a soul.”

Xxxx

[jbuffyangel]

The North Star: Arrow 7x08 Review (Unmasked)

Well I wasn’t expecting this that’s for sure. I’m not listening to reviewers with screeners anymore. Their descriptions of the episode are almost identical, but inevitably whatever episode they watched is not the one I watched.  I’m starting to wonder if reviewers are paid for writing agreed upon talking points. Then again I might just be moody.

“Unmasked” has a lot of good stuff. It also has a lot of bad stuff. And then there’s the WTF stuff.

Let’s dig in…

Olicity

Before I dive into our faves, I wanted to clarify a few things. I’ve been noticing some push back online about the phrase “dark spiral” in terms of discussing Felicity’s current arc. The general complaint seems to be when Oliver does whatever it takes to protect his family he is called a hero, but when Felicity does the same thing it’s called a dark spiral. Therefore, there are some misogynistic connotations using this term regarding Felicity’s arc. Since I am someone who frequently uses dark and light terminology to describe our characters I thought I should address this.

Dark spiral does not mean evil to me. It means a moral crisis. Every hero, at one point or another, goes through a moral crisis where they reexamine how they look at the world. This is typically brought on by trauma, loss, anger, grief, etc. This means the hero is not in the best emotional place to be making moral judgments. 

Please note I am using the word hero. A character does not stop being a hero simply because they are going through a dark spiral. The hero doesn’t suddenly become a villain because they are crossing some lines to get the job done.

Light and dark are terms to represent the best part of ourselves and the worst. We all have light and dark in us. We all have the ability to make wonderful, righteous, selfless and virtuous choices. This is the light. We all have the ability to make bad, questionable, uncompassionate and immoral choices. This is the dark. 

It doesn’t matter if you are male or female; we all have these opposing sides in us. We all have the space between light and dark, the shadows, or white and black, the grey, where our morality and choices are not clear cut. This is what it means to be human.

I don’t describe what villains do as darkness either. Damien Darhk, Ra’s Al Ghul and Diaz are evil. Can our darkness lead to evil? Yes, this is why we must be vigilant about it. However, Oliver Queen, Felicity Smoak and John Diggle aren’t going to become the villains in this story. They are the heroes who will sometimes experience a moral crisis and make questionable choices.

Oliver Queen is a character who consistently makes questionable choices and whenever he does I call it darkness. It doesn’t mean Oliver stopped being a hero. More often than not, his intentions are very good and he has a moral justification for his decisions. The problem is we can justify just about anything, which is why it is important to have some kind of moral code. This isn’t a standard I merely hold fictional superheroes to. It is one I hold myself to.

Arrow is being extremely sloppy about the kinds of situations they are putting their characters in, particularly Felicity. They are conflating very different scenarios into the same scenario and then saying it requires same response. This could not be further from the truth.

There is a very big difference between self defense and murder. If Felicity had to kill Diaz after he broke into her apartment, while in witness protection, then it would be self defense. It would be a completely necessary and reasonable decision. Felicity absolutely has the right to protect herself and her child.

However, killing Diaz when he’s unarmed, handcuffed, and in protective custody is not okay with me. That wasn’t about self defense. That was about retribution. Felicity wanted to take Diaz’s life because he took hers. That is murder.

I apply the same morality with Oliver Queen. Oliver had to kill Ra’s Al Ghul when they fought on the mountain. He couldn’t work out an agreement over Sarah’s death over tea with Ra’s Al Ghul. However, I had an issue with Oliver killing a de-magicked Damien Darhk. Yes, I know he killed thousands with a nuke. Yes, I know he was only de-magicked because the city imbued Oliver with hope and he was able to repel Damien’s powers.

However, there’s the rub. There was another way to stop Damien short of killing him. Would Oliver have to think outside the box a bit? Yes, but my frustration with Arrow is they never allow Oliver those types of outs, even though Barry Allen is given multiple options to avoid killing the villain. It’s always about killing or not killing with Oliver.  He couldn’t even use the friggin underground prison he had on Lian Yu. This is one of the reasons I am very excited about Arrow giving Oliver the option of the justice system.

Every Big Bad deserves to die. They are all horrible, evil people, who murder innocents, have unstoppable ninja skills, magic, super strength, armies, a city under their control, and the ability to escape from prison. So why does Slade Wilson get to live? Why does Malcolm Merlyn? Oliver is making emotional decisions when he’s choosing whether or not to end someone’s life. This is why he picks up and sets down his no killing vow as it suits him. That’s not having a moral code. I’m not losing sleep over any of these bad guys dying, but it doesn’t mean I agree with the decisions. Nor does it mean I believe this is the kind of hero Oliver Queen should be.

There have been several times Felicity Smoak is acting in self defense and that is perfectly acceptable. There are other times she is making the same moral judgments I disagreed with Oliver over and I’m going to call her on it even though it is Felicity. Am I saying I don’t like Felicity or believe she’s a bad person who has gone all evil? No, absolutely not. 

This is part of the hero evolution process and Felicity Smoak is as much of a hero as Oliver Queen. This is why exploring a darker arc is vitally important. Is Felicity morally justified in some of these more questionable choices? Yes, but simply because you can morally justify a choice doesn’t automatically make the choice morally right. I also hold Oliver, Felicity and Diggle to a higher standard than I do a regular Joe because they are heroes.

I also recognize killing a villain is not the same as killing an innocent person. Let’s say Felicity killed Diaz while he was in police custody. This is not the same as Bl*ck S*ren murdering a bunch of innocent people. If a hero kills a villain it doesn’t automatically make the hero a villain. If I believed Oliver Queen was a bad person because he killed bad people then I wouldn’t have watched the show. I recognize Oliver’s heroism when he’s making decisions nobody is willing to make and accepting the responsibility for those choices.  

However, I don’t believe killing is right. There are very few circumstances where I believe killing is justified. This is just my personal morality. It doesn’t have to be yours. However, I am applying the same morality to Felicity I apply to Oliver. I am going to keep describing it in the same terminology as well.  So, I hope this clears up any confusion regarding my meaning behind dark, light, dark spiral and my general view on morality in regards to Arrow.

Okay. Enough of this. Let’s talk about the sex.

To be honest, it was a letdown. 

We started out so good. 

We were micro inches away from shower sex y’all! But Oliver goes into full prison PTSD mode. 

Source:  oliverfelicitygifs

He pulls the shower curtain back to reveal a startled, but silky robe clad Felicity Smoak. She was about to hop in the shower with him. Nobody can tell me different. I know my truth.

Oliver is available to zip up her dress though. ( I want you to zip it down you big pine tree. We really should be united on this. I am shocked I have to explain it to you.)

Felicity leans into his touch as he slowly zips the dress up. 

She rests her head back against his chest and broad shoulders and feels the warmth of his breath as he whispers in her ear.

This is what she missed. Not simply having someone around to help with her dress, but the physical reassurance she is not alone. 

Felicity can finally lean against the man she loves, take comfort in the strength of his arms, and find reassurance in his soft, gentle voice. The voice meant only for her. 

There’s no more glass separating them. Felicity can touch Oliver again. He’s real. Her husband is home.

Source:  oliverfelicitygifs

Oliver tries to wiggle out of going to the fundraiser being held in his honor. 

He’s clearly nervous about seeing his friends and citizens of Star City post prison. Oliver is quieter, softer, reserved and more withdrawn after his violent life at Slabslide. He’s gingerly dipping his toe back into the water, unsure of his next steps, like a child walking into the ocean for the first time. Oliver has returned from yet another island. After seven months, everything that was once familiar is now unrecognizable.

Source: andjustforthismoment 

Everything except Felicity… or so he thinks. She still believes in him, even if Oliver is uncertain. He knows the people of Star City are angry with him. He feels apprehensive because Oliver also understands they have a right to be. 

Star City citizen’s can clock a 2 on an angry scale of 1-10, due to the inordinate amount of times Oliver Queen/Green Arrow saved them from mass destruction and certain death. Not to be a stickler on the maths, but facts are facts. At least the ungrateful twats are publicly recognizing Oliver as a hero. I’m still waiting on the key to the city though (side eyes B*rry All*n bitterly). 

However, Felicity explains this is finally Oliver’s opportunity to show Star City who he truly is without a mask. Oliver may be apprehensive, but Felicity knows once the city sees Oliver for the hero he is they will fall in love with him just like she did.

Source:  oliverfelicitygifs

This is what he missed. Not simply the softness of her skin or the way she looks in that dress, but Felicity’s unwavering unconditional love and belief. 

Oliver could feel it while he was in prison, but it’s very different when she’s kneeling before him and he can stare into her big, blue eyes while holding her hand. There’s no more glass separating them. Oliver can touch Felicity again. She’s real. He is home.

Oliver runs his fingers over her wedding band, the infinite loop reminding him of the promises they made each other one year ago today. Remembering the anniversary is Husband 101, but Felicity is trying to give Oliver time and understanding as he eases his way back into everyday life. So, Felicity is thrilled when Oliver repeats a line from his vows.

Girl, he’s been separated from you for months and you are the literal air he breathes. Anniversary also equals guaranteed sex and it’s been seven months. Oliver ain’t forgettin’ it.

We start out with so much promise. 

Source:  oliverxfelicity

Stephen Amell and Emily Bett Rickards should teach a course on how to kiss on camera. We shall call this course “How to Be Hot 400.” Yes, it’s an upperclassmen course. Sorry freshmen. 

Source:  whoeveryoulovethemost

Oliver takes off his shirt (no invitation needed - thatta boy) and Felicity runs her hands over his chest. 

Source:  oliverxfelicity

Oliver lifts her up into his arms and they fall back onto the bed. Yes, yes… go on.

AND THEN THE CAMERA CUTS AWAY. 

We didn’t even get that great of a shot in the mirror’s reflection. 

Source: oliverxfelicity

I’ll take a lower half shot if Oliver is getting handsy, but there’s no handsy. WHERE’S THE HANDSY? It’s been seven months. He should be migrating to the glorious Felicity Smoak arse in record time. The dress should be off by now. I should see it fly across the room in the mirrored reflection as Oliver moves other… places. I won’t get into too much detail. I’m a lady.

Listen, I’m a nice person. I deserve nice things. We waited a year and a half for a shirtless 15 second make out session??? 

We didn’t get post nuptial sex and now they shorted us on anniversary sex. 

 I demand angry sex as recompense.

At least they had the common sense to include some dirty innuendo. 

Source:  oliverfelicitygifs

Hehehe. Oh, we all know your first meal, big fella. Say no more. Wait, isn’t a double double four? WELL DONE SIR. 

Felicity, girl you deserve it.

Every time Oliver returns home from an island there is the inevitable mob of aggressive reporters and cameras. One of the loneliest scenes in Season 1 is watching Oliver fight through it on his own. 

Source:  hollandrooden

Now Oliver has Felicity and she not only holds his hand through it, but is his friggin bodyguard to boot. (Yeah, I said what I said Diggle.) 

Ugh, Max Fuller. This douche bag again. Weirdly has not aged a day, so he may be a vampire. 

Source:  oliverfelicitygifs

At least his asshole comments provide an opportunity for Felicity to mark her territory and that never gets old. 

Source:  felicitysmoakgifs

No, Oliver was not the marrying type until he met this genius, funny, warm, insightful, bullshit detecting, red pen-chewing, blonde sunshine and then all he wanted was to have lots of sex and babies with her. Catch up Fuller.

Bl*ck S*ren swings by to keep up appearances and Lyla asks in a not so hushed tone, “Are we friends with her now?” 

This cracks me up any time any character says it. I’m comfortable with the classification of frenemy. Bl*ck S*ren is the Cordelia Chase of Team Arrow. You know, if Cordelia was a murderer. Scratch that. Bl*ck S*ren is the Spike.

Felicity reminds everyone the only person who actually helped her get Oliver out of prison was BS. 

Oliver for his part tries to be gracious and thank her. 

Bl*ck S*ren’s response is a back handed compliment, but it reveals an uneasiness between Oliver and Felicity not even four orgasms can fix. 

Source: katie-mcgraths

Worth a shot though.

Olicity has the fight we’ve been waiting for after Max Fuller sends one of his goons after Oliver.  First, we need to talk about Felicity’s state of mind. She is clearly traumatized from her experiences with Diaz and as a result is obsessed with security. 

When Curtis asks Felicity what is next she tells everyone she’s building a new security system. It’s her Spidey sense tingling, and not Oliver’s, when she realizes the security system she installed didn’t go off when Oliver entered the apartment. Then, Felicity hides behind her chain linked curtains, which can stop arrows, when the goon breaks into the apartment. And finally, she goes for her gun. 

So, clearly Felicity is experiencing PTSD no different from what we witnessed with Oliver in the shower earlier.

Oliver is handling the situation with the Fuller goon. It’s one guy. Arrow has finally remembered Oliver Queen can take down ten without breaking a sweat. This will not be a problem. Is it taking a minute? Yes, but he’s still Oliver. He dove over counter tops and furniture to throw his body in front of arrows to protect Felicity. He’s got this.

Oliver throws the goon into a wall and he’s essentially down. He begins to question said goon in his big, scary, lower octave, Green Arrow rumble when Felicity joins in with her gun. 

I agree with Oliver’s reaction which is, “What the fuck are you doing?” 

This distracts Oliver for a microsecond and the goon gets up. 

Prosecutable in a court of law? No, the goon broke in. Technically it is self defense, but also whoa babe! Stop shooting suspects!!! 

Let’s holster the happy trigger finger.

Source: oliverfelicitygifs 

Do I feel the use of the gun is necessary in this circumstance? No, Felicity is married to The Terminator. He’s home now and perfectly capable of protecting her from one guy. 

However, this break in is clearly meant to echo the one we saw in the premiere with Diaz. Her security system failed then too. Only she was home alone with a 12 year old boy and Diaz was the one with a gun. All Felicity had to defend herself was a pot of coffee and a poker stick. 

She is literally reliving Diaz’s attack, so Felicity responds to this goon with what she wished she had back then – a gun. It doesn’t matter Oliver is there now because her trauma is triggering this response. 

It’s no different than Oliver with the shower curtain.

Do I think it is madness for Felicity to carry a gun? NO!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Oliver’s response to it drove me nuts. He’s more concerned she has a gun than with how she’s using it. This is missing the forest through the trees.

I don’t have any problem with Felicity carrying a gun. I’ve had a general annoyance with Oliver and Diggle for the past seven years regarding Felicity’s training. They’ve trained her to defend herself somewhat. Is she as physically proficient at self defense as everyone else on Team Arrow? No. Not even close, which I find grossly irresponsible on Oliver’s part. 

While we’re training L*urel, Rene, Dinah and Curtis to be ninjas, Felicity is just sitting at the computer typing. We can’t toss the girl a staff and go a few rounds? Instead, they send her out into the field in high heels and a mini skirt as she uses a stick, laptop, or whatever she can find to defend herself.  Give me a break.

Diggle warned Oliver about this when Felicity joined the team. Oliver’s entire defense strategy for Felicity was HIM.

She didn’t need to know how to fight back the same way other team members did because Oliver always planned on fighting for her. 

He would throw himself in front of any bullet or arrow before he let it touch her. 

It’s romantic, but not very practical. Oliver also never planned on Felicity going into the field as much as she has. As soon as she did he had a responsibility to train her more and he didn’t.

Generally speaking, Oliver has does an extremely good job protecting Felicity. 

He is true to his word.  Oliver always uses his body to shield Felicity from anything coming her way.

Oliver did teach Felicity to defend herself too. 

We’ve seen her defend herself time after time. 

By no means am I saying Felicity Smoak is a damsel in distress.

She was not, however, capable of defeating someone like Ricardo Diaz. Felicity Smoak is the wife of the Green Arrow.  The minute Oliver made that announcement to the world he put a target on her back and then disappeared into his island.

The only defense Felicity has against someone like Diaz, or anyone else with a fighting capability beyond her own, is Oliver. But he was gone. She was alone to defend herself and their son.

The security system Felicity had in witness protection was A.R.G.U.S. and they were completely worthless. What does A.R.G.U.S. do besides screw up? Their big plan was to watch Felicity and William, which equated to a failed security system and taking five minutes to respond when she’s under attack. News flash: it doesn’t actually take that long to kill someone.

It is irresponsible for Felicity not to have some kind of weapon to defend herself with. Oliver, Diggle, Dinah, Rene and L*urel all carried guns, but the minute Felicity does it’s, “GASP. OH NO! SHE’S EVIL.” Talk about your Madonna/Whore complex. She has a gun so she’s a whore! Unbelievable.

I have a problem with how Felicity used the gun. I have no problem with Felicity having a gun. It is just smart.  In the immortal words of Frank Castle, “You still got that hand canon?” Start packing baby girl. Go with God.

But we’re not dealing with Frank Castle. Unfortunately, we’re dealing with Oliver Queen. Who has apparently forgotten all the bullets and arrows he’s pumped into suspects the last decade, because he’s super judgey.

Oliver: Where’d you even get a gun? You’re new best friend Laurel?

Felicity: Of course not. I got it from your ex-best friend Anatoly.

Oliver: You what? I’ve barely been gone seven months and you’ve aligned yourself with two of the most immoral people we know?

Listen, pretty boy. I am glad you’ve found moral enlightenment and are now walking the higher plane, but you’ve been there for all of five minutes. 

Let’s not forget you’ve made an entire career of aligning yourself with the most immoral people on the planet. In fact, you worked with Talia and Turner inside of prison!!! Neither one is exactly a Care Bear. Turner may have some good in him, but he’s also a murderer. So, dial down the moral condemnation.

Thank goodness Felicity is not taking any of Oliver’s crap.

Felicity:  Oliver, you don’t get to judge me.

Oliver: You just shot a man in our living room.

Felicity: Something you’ve done a million times.

What’s frustrating is Oliver isn’t asking the right questions. 

Source:  felicitysmoakgifs

He’s not focusing on the clear trauma Felicity has suffered. He’s not asking why she feels unsafe, what her fears are or how he can help her. It’s all about who Felicity has been working with, which is again, missing the forest through the trees.

I have a real beef with Oliver’s remark, “This isn’t you.” Felicity is going through a dark spiral and is reexamining her morality. However, this concept Felicity is this lily white Virgin Mary character is baffling to me. 

Felicity was already breaking the law as a hacker before she even met Oliver. Then, she signed up with a guy who was dropping bodies regularly and fell in love with him. We aren’t dealing with Rainbow Brite! Felicity’s morality was light years ahead of Oliver’s, but she could reconcile murder and breaking the law for the greater good. That’s a darker skew on morality.

And apparently Oliver has just erased all of Season 5 because he clearly has no recollection of Helix. Maybe one of his head wounds is more serious than I thought and he’s experiencing amnesia. 

Felicity showed she would do whatever was necessary to avenge her boyfriend of five minutes. What did Oliver think she was going to do when her husband and child were threatened? She wasn’t going to Pottery Barn to pick out fabric swatches for the new apartment, Oliver.

Arrow is really focused on Oliver putting people in boxes because he has to learn not to. I get it. However, it’s resulting in some sloppy writing because he’s blatantly ignoring Felicity’s history to keep her on this pedestal. Oliver needs to realize his wife is human. I thought he already realized this in Season 5, but I guess we’re repeating it in Season 7. It’s fine. Hopefully they do a deeper dive on it than they did in Season 5.

Source:  felicitysmoakgifs 

“This is me because of you,”  is the line I’ve been waiting seven months to hear Felicity say. We had a little taste of it when she visited Oliver in prison, but she couldn’t unleash her anger full force because he was in prison. 

Oliver is home now though and it’s time to deal with this. 

Felicity reminds Oliver he destroyed their lives. He left his wife and child to the wolves without even discussing it with her Felicity. I mean, sweet mother of Moses, what did he expect?

Source:  felicitysmoakgifs

Oliver’s response to Felicity’s completely warranted anger pissed me off too. He’s very, “How many more times do I have to apologize for this?” MORE THAN ONCE ASSHOLE.

But Felicity isn’t looking for an apology anymore. What good is an apology at this point? What’s done is done. 

Source:  felicitysmoakgifs

Oliver’s actions have consequences. He continually lies and believes an apology will somehow be a magic wand erasing all the damage he’s done. Marriage doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.

I just had this fight with my husband, which is why I respond so much to Felicity in “Unmasked.” She is saying very similar things I said to my husband. Believing you are not going to impact each other’s personalities over the years is naive. You can’t continue the same hurtful behavior and expect it not to change who your partner is.

Felicity has told Oliver several times she feels abandoned when he makes decisions without her. This behavior hits Felicity where it hurts. This is her greatest fear. Her pain is raw and exposed. Yet, Oliver continues to make decisions without consulting her. I don’t even think he checked with her before going back out into the field as Green Arrow. I hope to God he did, but if not this is exactly what she’s talking about.

Felicity is required to make changes inside of herself due to the impact of Oliver’s decisions. Oliver abandoned her. He left her alone, with a child and defenseless. As did their “friends.” 

So, Felicity had to learn how to defend herself. She had to learn how to survive.

Oliver Queen wasn’t the only one on an island. Felicity is on one too, but her island was made by her husband. Oliver may be home, but Felicity is not. 

Felicity is still on that island, fighting alone every day to survive, because she can’t trust Oliver won’t make another decision without her. Felicity doesn’t trust Oliver won’t abandon her all over again.

Felicity is making decisions for herself that, yeah Oliver, maybe aren’t typical to the woman you knew seventh months ago. His behavior in this marriage is impacting the decisions Felicity makes and those decisions are changing who she is.  It is cause and effect.

Oliver can say he’s sorry all he wants, but it doesn’t erase the trauma Felicity is dealing with now. Oliver needs to walk through these consequences with his wife and understand the impact he’s made. There’s no magic wand.

I understand Oliver is dealing with trauma too and acclimating himself to life outside of Slabside. He’s missed a lot and needs a moment to catch up. We are dealing with two traumatized people. However, Felicity has always treated a traumatized Oliver with compassion. One of my main frustrations with Oliver in “Unmasked” is he’s coming to this fight with a lot of moral condemnation.

We’ve been down many dark spirals with Oliver Queen. He is constantly reexamining his morality. Oliver is constantly pick up and putting down his “no killing” vow. He expects everyone to get on board with whatever he decides whenever he decides it. Felicity has never approached Oliver’s darkness with moral condemnation. If anything she treated him with kid cloves. 

Felicity harnesses Oliver’s light with cups of coffee, reassurance, forgiveness, belief and unconditional love. 

Oliver’s response to Felicity’s dark spiral in “Unmasked” is, “Who the hell having you been working with?” 

Oliver realizing criminals are human too does not make him morally superior to everyone else. Felicity has been arguing this kind of morality for the last seven years. I’m happy Oliver has finally gotten on board, but he’s not suddenly Jesus.

That said, Oliver’s experience in Slabside, and his new found moral code, will make him into the superhero Felicity Smoak needs right now. He is absolutely capable of harnessing her light, but unfortunately we did not see much of that hero in this fight.

There is a glimpse of that hero though. We get a clear view of the deep hole Felicity is in when she tells Oliver the person she was before was weak. 

Oliver is just completely dumbfounded by this. How can Felicity believe she is anything, but the strongest person Oliver knows?

Source: whoeveryoulovethemost 

I shared Oliver’s shock because I too cannot fathom Felicity ever viewing herself as weak. The line really bothered me, but it’s supposed to. This is another manifestation of Felicity’s trauma. She’s viewing herself as weak both physically and emotionally. The person she was couldn’t physically protect herself.  The gun and new security measures are all coping mechanisms for Felicity’s deep rooted fear.

Felicity can feel her fear inside and she views that as weakness too. She never wants to feel afraid like this again.  So, she’s reviewing her morality. The woman who was not willing to do whatever it takes was weak. 

This is a very Oliver Queen Season 1-3 attitude. Oliver always believed his humanity was a weakness. 

Now Felicity is viewing her humanity as a weakness, which is so heartbreaking.

Oliver is shocked and saddened by Felicity’s remark because her humanity inspired his humanity. 

Source: whoeveryoulovethemost

It’s why Oliver believes Felicity is the best part of him. Anything to the contrary is unfathomable. Felicity needs to see herself through Oliver’s eyes, just as Oliver saw himself through Felicity’s eyes. He needs to be a hero to Felicity like she was to him. That’s the love, the light, which will illuminate the path out of the dark.

However, there’s another reason Oliver repeated those vows. “You’re the very best part of me” assigns an ownership and responsibility to Felicity over her husband’s soul that is unfair. It’s something Felicity touched on when she tells Oliver ultimately who she is, and the decisions she makes, aren’t on him. Those decisions are on her.

Source: oliverfelicitygifs

The same goes for Oliver. Felicity can’t be responsible for harnessing Oliver’s light all the time. He has to inspire himself. Oliver has to harness his light on his own. He did a good job in Slabside, but now that he’s home he can’t fall back to relying on Diggle and Felicity to be his cheerleading squad. Oliver has to be a good person all by himself without someone holding his hand.

This pushes both Oliver and Felicity in new and important directions. This dark spiral gives Felicity’s character a freedom she’s never had before. Oliver’s enlightenment gives him a new sense of accountability.

Source:  olivergifs

We finally achieve a moment that has been a long time coming in Oliver Queen’s journey toward becoming a fully realized superhero. Oliver lied to the people of Star City and understands the only way to gain their trust is by being honest (*cough*apply this to your marriage Oliver*cough*). He decides to go out into the field as Green Arrow with his hood down and without a mask. 

Source:  olivergifs 

For the first time, Oliver is merging both personas. He realizes part of being a hero is being accountable for his actions.  He doesn’t remain in the shadows, but steps into the light as Green Arrow for the entire world to see. 

Source: whoeveryoulovethemost 

This is a moment I’ve written about for years and it fills me with a lot of joy watching Oliver finally putting the pieces together.

While their argument is necessary, it also feels mishandled by the Arrow writers because Oliver and Felicity are acting so extreme. Oliver’s reaction to the gun is extreme. How Felicity uses the gun is extreme. They cram a discussion we’ve waited seven months for into two little scenes. There’s way too much other nonsense going on. The Olicity scenes don’t get the time and attention they deserve. It feels sloppy as a result.

Source: oliverfelicitygifs

The two circle back to one another at the end of the episode to find some way to merge their diverting paths.  This time Oliver tries the softer and gentler coffee approach. See? He’s learning!

Source: oliverfelicitygifs

The last seven months has impacted each of them in permanent ways. Felicity is right. Oliver simply can’t talk her down to the old Felicity chewing the red pen. 

Life changes us, but I don’t believe this is about getting the old Felicity back. Oliver’s journey was never about restoring an old version of him. It was about finding the new person, the new hero, he had become. It was about learning to balance the light and dark.

Oliver may not be able to talk Felicity into her old self, but maybe he can inspire the new hero she wants to be. Someone who has light and dark. Someone who is impacted by their trauma, but not ruled by it. Someone who makes choices not out of anger, fear or pain, but from compassion. This is the hero Felicity inspired Oliver to be. So, now it’s his time to return the favor.

I am not remotely concerned about Olicity. There is no shortage of love between these too. They didn’t spend seven months fighting to be together just to separate.

Source: oliverfelicitygifs

I know they are on different paths right now, but they will find their way back to one another. This happens in marriage. Learning how to repair broken bridges is a large part of being married. My sincerest hope is they continue with Felicity’s moral crisis and keep examining the kind of hero she wants to be.  

She’s going through the same trajectory Oliver went through. It’s a mini trajectory. It won’t take Felicity seven years to get there, primarily because she’s smarter than Oliver, but I do hope the writers give the character the freedom she’s earned. I certainly was patient with Oliver crossing lines, so I have to give her character the same in turn.  

That said, Felicity Smoak is always a person who valued human life. So, the moments she’s not are when I am questioning her moral justifications. She admits to Oliver she would have killed Diaz and I don’t mind Oliver being shocked by her actions. Killing an unarmed man in police custody is A-typical Felicity Smoak behavior and Oliver has a right to be concerned.

What drives me nuts about this final scene is when Felicity says this:

Source: oliverfelicitygifs 

The idea that Felicity’s darkness is incompatible with their relationship makes me want to pull my hair out.  

I realize Felicity is channeling Season 1 – Season 3 Oliver and he always used his darkness as a reason why they couldn’t be together. However, they weren’t married at the time. Yeah, that’s right kids. You signed the paperwork. You are legally required to wake up next to each other.  Felicity doesn’t need to be sunshine and rainbows all the time for their marriage to function. It’s okay if Felicity gets lost. Oliver needs to put on his big boy pants anyways. This gives him a perfect opportunity to do so.

The line doesn’t even really make all that much sense given the context of their conversation. 

To be honest, it feels like the toss away divorce line. NO I AM NOT SAYING THEY ARE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE.  In fact, that’s why I’m annoyed with the line because I know they aren’t getting a divorce. Arrow isn’t even considering divorcing Olicity. It’s just relying on a tired, old television trope to bring viewers back after winter hiatus. “Oh no! I better tune in January to see if Oliver and Felicity get a divorce!” This is spectacularly lazy writing. 

If Arrow is incapable of drumming up drama in Olicity’s marriage without threatening divorce every time there’s a bump in the road then they are just crappy writers. Plain and simple. Dig deeper, Arrow. There’s plenty to mine in Olicity’s relationship without fake threats of legal proceedings.

I’m not ending on cranky though because I found some additional hope, should you need it, in the flash forwards. Yes I found hope in the flash forwards. It’s a friggin miracle.

Dinah shows William a tattoo on her wrist. 

Source:  mei-pellegrino

It’s called the Mark of Four and is something Oliver came up with. It represents the four pillars of heroism: courage, compassion, selflessness, and loyalty. It’s the reason Roy came back to Star City with William.

Dinah: We all got them as a reminder that no matter what happened if one of us was in trouble the other ones would be there.

The tattoo is shaped like a compass. Three of the marks have arrows as end points, but the one at the top faces north with a star end point. Oliver’s legacy, the kind of hero he inspires, is one who embraces courage, compassion, selflessness and loyalty. If they follow the four pillars like the North Star then they’ll never become lost in the dark. Everyone on the team has the tattoo. Everyone decided this was the kind of hero they wanted to be.

We can look at symbolism multiple ways to find more than one meaning, which is the fun. This tattoo also tells us everything we need to know about Felicity’s trajectory. Dinah began at the star when she listed the four pillars. She started with courage. Courage is the North Star and Oliver always says Felicity Smoak is the strongest person he knows.

Her strength has never been physical to Oliver Queen. She may not be able to take down Ra’s Al Ghul in a sword fight, but Oliver believes Felicity is stronger than him. Why? Felicity embraces her humanity even when the world has given her every reason to shut off her heart. For Oliver Queen, this is the most courageous thing a person can do. This is why she has always pointed the way for him.

We know Felicity has the Mark of Four tattoo because she inspired it. Courage, compassion, selflessness and loyalty are the very best parts of Oliver Queen. The Green Arrow encapsulates the four pillars because of the light Felicity harnessed in Oliver. When Oliver became lost in the dark he looked to Felicity for his way out. She was the North Star for Oliver, so he could become the North Star for everyone else.

Felicity is on the same path. She is not only Oliver’s great love, but his equal in every way. They are becoming full realized superheroes together. Oliver will remind Felicity her humanity is the very best part of her.  We all become lost in the dark at some point, but Felicity will find her way again. She simply needs to find the North Star inside herself again.  Felicity inspired the four pillars because she is the four pillars. The Mark of Four is the kind of hero Felicity will become because it’s the hero she’s always been.

Flash Forwards

Maya is Blackstar. (Waves excitedly at Katherine McNamara).

Source:  Source:veronica-lodge

Well done fandom.  

However, William, Dinah and Zoe don't know who Blackstar is. 

Does this mean she is not Olicity’s daughter and William’s sister? No. I still believe she is for reasons I’ll get into in a minute.  I genuinely wasn’t expecting any kind of confirmation from William or even a hint she may be his sister because it blows the lid off Beth’s big surprise. If Felicity is pregnant at the end of the season then it’s Arrow’s big May sweeps shocker.  

So, they aren’t going to confirm anything in the mid season finale. In fact, the smart thing to do is to cast a lot of doubt she has any connection to William.

However, there are signs she does. Arrow made a really big show of Oliver drinking scotch this week.  Max Fuller breaks out an expensive bottle and Oliver sits down for a drink.

Source:  whoeveryoulovethemost

Oliver ordered scotch on his first date with Felicity. 

It was his drink of choice while drowning his sorrows in the Arrow bunker in 5x19

Scotch is Oliver’s drink. 

He only switches to vodka when he’s drinking with Diggle.

William asks for Blackstars’ help at the bar while she’s drinking, you got it, scotch. 

Source: veronica-lodge

She’s cage fighting in Max Fuller’s old club. It doesn’t hurt Katherine McNamara tweeted about the booze. 

What’s the reason for making such a big deal out of such a small detail?

The second big hint Blackstar is Oliver Queen’s daughter is her fighting style. 

Source: veronica-lodge

The cage fight is very similar to the Oliver’s fights we’ve seen this season. She’s obviously been trained by Oliver Queen or at least by someone who knows Oliver Queen. Not to mention her whole attitude and vibe felt very Oliver Queen.

Source: veronica-lodge

Why does it matter if she is similar to Oliver Queen? Well, Arrow has spent a lot of time showing how similar William is to Felicity. Their connection may not be biological, but it is familial. 

I think they are doing the same thing with Blackstar only she is her father’s daughter.

There are still more clues:

She has a Queen Bee tattoo on her back shoulder – the same place Oliver once had his tattoo.

Her code name Blackstar could be a reference to the Mark of Four. As I explained earlier, the first pillar has a black star as an endpoint and it faces north. Blackstar seems to be a particularly on the nose code name for someone who doesn’t have any relationship to Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak, the people who inspired the Mark of Four.  

The camera transitioned from the Olicity love scene directly to William looking for Blackstar during her cage fight. These transitions are extremely important to pay attention to because they connect the dots.

Blackstar is protective of Felicity Smoak as well. At first, she pretends not to know her, but when William informs Blackstar Felicity is dead she immediately looks upset. 

Source: veronica-lodge

Blackstar confirms she worked as a broker for Felicity to obtain trigger mechanisms for a bomb. But her warnings sound more like a threat. 

Source:  dctvladies 

Sort of like, “I’ll slit your throat if you mess with my Mama.”

Did you notice how quickly Blackstar changed the subject when William said she has a lot in common with Felicity? Maybe they are not only working together, but are mother and daughter.

Finally, the characters went to great pains to avoid calling Blackstar by her real name or even asking what it is. She didn’t even use the name Maya, which I still maintain is an Arrow code name to avoid spoiling the surprise. There’s something about Blackstar’s name which gives away her identity. Could her name be Moira? Methinks yes.

Could Blackstar be Arrow’s version of Mia Dearden, Oliver Queen’s ward? No, I don’t think so. Marc Guggenheim said many times in early interviews Thea Queen was Arrow’s version of Mia Dearden. Thea’s middle name is Dearden and she used the code name Mia Dearden while living in Corto Maltese with Malcolm Merlyn.  

Technically, Roy was Oliver’s ward. Roy was essentially homeless and Oliver took him in. It is Roy who ultimately inspired Thea’s superhero identity – Speedy. Mia Dearden is Speedy in the comics. There are too many Mia Dearden threads in Thea’s character. They’ve already been there and done that.

Is it possible they are repeating the character because Thea is off the show? No, because they already have replacement sister waiting in the wings with Emiko Queen. If there’s a character who is trying to fill Thea’s role on the show then it’s Emiko, not Blackstar.

Source:  arrowdaily

Stephen welcomed Katherine McNamara to the show by tweeting, “Welcome to the family.” This is also what he tweeted to Sea Shimooka and Ben Lewis when they joined the show and they are playing Oliver’s blood relatives.

“But Jen these are such minuscule details! They don’t meaning anything!” We’ll have to agree to disagree these subtle not so subtle hints don’t mean anything. I think they do. This is how it starts. We often have very little evidence of the direction Arrow is going in the beginning of these mysteries/surprises. 

The bouquet was the first hint for the wedding.

In the beginning of Season 4, we had very little hints as to who was in the grave. K*tie C*ssidy’s lack of storyline discussion at SDCC was honestly the biggest clue.  

These minuscule clues Arrow offers via symbolism or imagery are often all we have to go on.  

As the season progresses there will be more clues. Once the big surprise is revealed everyone will look back at the earlier scenes and realize the signs were there all along. So, yeah I’m going all in on scotch.

If Blackstar is William’s sister then it’s heartbreaking to realize he doesn’t know or recognize her. This means William has been separated from his family for much longer than we thought. 

If Olicity gets pregnant this year, then William will be at least 12 years older than his sibling. He’ll be leaving for college in about six years. Maybe whatever happens to break the family apart happens after William leaves home. It is possible he wouldn’t recognize his sister if the last time he saw her was around age 5 or 6. Or maybe William doesn’t recognize his sister because he believes she’s dead.  

There are tons of plot holes right now because we don’t have all the information. However, there are many plausible explanations for William and Blackstars’ separation. It echoes Oliver and Thea’s separation in the beginning of the series only on a much larger scale. If Arrow’s goal is to expand the show, and William and Blackstar are brother and sister, then this gives the writers tons of story potential to build the relationship going forward.

So, either Felicity or Oliver don’t have any more children other than William, which makes me sad or William has been separated from his family even longer than we anticipated. This also makes me sad. Neither option is great. Fingers crossed William is just pretending not to know Blackstar to keep her cover (but I doubt it).

The essential problem with the flash forwards is there’s  just bad news on top of bad new week after week. I know Arrow is a dark show and I like that it is because it means there are consequences. However, Arrow isn’t only dark. There’s a lot of hope too.

Unfortunately, we aren’t getting a lot of hope in the flash forwards and it’s casting a shadow over any happiness in present day.  This is why we’re not supposed to know the future. Not that there’s much happiness in present day because the writers are trying so hard to sell Felicity is becoming evil. I know the flash backs were dark too, but the present day scenes countered it because we knew Oliver was moving towards a happier place, even when things weren’t going well. Unfortunately, we don’t have that balance this season.  

It’s making me very concerned about a tone shift. I know I said the minute the flash backs were introduced the writers expanded the story and they needed a Lian Yu level event to kick it off.  However, I understand the frustration and sadness. Oliver either never saves the city or his happy life with Felicity is destroyed in a relatively short amount of time. It’s difficult to get hammered with despair on top of despair every week. Oliver needs a win at some point.

Stray Thoughts

Emiko Queen is the new Green Arrow. Oliver has another sister. We been knew.

Oliver is now a Green Arrow consultant for the Star City police department. He’s a legal vigilante. Uhhh... okay? 

Dinah has her own Canary network and Blackstar hates vigilantes. So who are the good guys and who are the bad guys?

Diggle and Lyla are the stupidest to ever stupid by going to Diaz for help. They could have talked to Oliver and Felicity about it beforehand, but noooo. Can the whole “Diggle only gives a crap about himself” storyline end now?

I’m extremely irritated Diaz is back on my television screen, but if Arrow kills Curtis that’ll make it up to me.

I wrote a scene in The Gift where Oliver helps Felicity by zipping her dress down, so dreams come true.

Seriously Oliver you’ve been in prison. We couldn’t break William out of boarding school for a long weekend?

I love crab cakes.

Isn’t Max Fuller a character on Fuller House? Hahaha. That’s funny to me.

I like WASP-y sweater Oliver. Feels very S1. We could throw in a leather jacket again though.

“We didn’t get this treatment when we put Diaz behind bars.” Rene, you’ve been released from time out on account of good behavior, but if you keep saying narcissistic and arrogant crap like this I’m going to throw you back with Dinah, Curtis and Diggle.

“If anyone in here actually gave a crap they’d use that money to help people in hard up neighborhoods who end up in the system because they don’t have anything else.” This sounds very similar to the anger rumbling around The Glades in the city hall meeting. It also sounds very similar to the “Defend the Glades ” attitude in the flash forwards. Calling it now. Given Dinah’s remark about running for office, Rene is the mayor of Star City in the future. Yeesh.

I looooved Bl*ck S*ren’s sparkly jacket and wanted to purchase it for myself, but it was $1700 on sale. I think not.

Oliver catching the arrow with his bare hand was sweet. And hot.

Curtis had one line. This is the way it should always be.

Stop wasting my time with all the Newbie crap. I swear, this show is tone deaf to what an audience is interested in. I also need about 50% less Dinah.

Arrow took 2 ½ minutes to replay the same crossover set up scene they showed on Supergirl the night before. There could have easily included this scene once at the beginning of the crossover during the, “Previously on Arrow/Supergirl and The Flash.” There’s no reason to cut into my show and steal minutes which could have been used for sex.

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[leilas-digital-scrapbook-blog]

Giving Love a Bad Name – Confessions of a Fanfiction Writer

I know we’re supposed to blog about our major projects this week and I promise I will get to that soon, but I’d like to go off book for a moment to address something that’s been bugging me since last Thursday’s class. As someone who’s always tried to engage with fandom in as creative a way as possible, I hoped a class on user generated content would offer a fresher perspective than the usual amount of prejudice and self-righteous superiority that sadly seem to accompany the subject of fanfiction even amongst people that make stories and their passion for it their bread and butter.

Guess I should have known better.

In the world of professional writers, fanfiction is still a filthy word. It sums up everything that’s wrong with the people you’re sharing your stories with: the obsessiveness, the entitlement, the disregard for boundaries, the penchant for making everything about sex. Worse, gay sex, as unspeakably dirty as it’s hilarious. Be warned, writers: if you make it big, your stories will inevitably become a free-for-all at the mercy of those people. A worse fate than even George R. R. Martin could wish on his own characters.

I’m used to seeing the world of fanfiction belittled and disparaged, of course, and I’m the first to admit that the community is often its own worst enemy. But for some reason it still hurt a little to sit in class and listen to people I’ve come to like and respect during these past few months buy into every bad stereotype associated with the form. Not because I felt called out (though yes, I do write fanfiction from time to time, and I happen to quite enjoy reading it too), but because of the underlying assumptions that 1. something that’s not 100% original cannot be art, it’s a violence in fact, especially if it twists someone else’s creation into something it was never meant to be (in this case, queer representation); and 2. there’s something wrong with creating exclusively out of love, without ever expecting to be paid for it. And I have Strong Opinions on that.

So let’s talk about fanfiction.

Actually, scratch that, let’s talk about my favorite subject – yours truly. As you may have gathered by now, I love fanfiction. A whole fangirly lot. My gateway drug into it was my obsession with Lost about 10 years ago and its pesky habit of offing every character I was foolish enough to get attached to. But lo! Someone was keeping them alive through their stories! I felt blessed. I got to spend more time in a world I loved, and I stopped flirting with the idea of giving up on the show every time another character I liked bit the dust. Everybody won.

Even more than as a fan, though, I appreciated the world of possibilities that fanfiction opened up to me as a non-native speaker. I come from a small town in the north of Italy; the access I had to foreign books in their original language was limited, and if I wanted to read something in English I’d have to spend quite a lot of money on one of the very few novels (usually chunky airport bookshop thrillers or housewife romances – not exactly my preferred genres) that shared a single shelf in the bookstore with German, French, Spanish titles. But fanfiction was free, accessible, and there was so much of it. If I didn’t like a story, all I needed to do was move on to the next. Suddenly there was an infinite library of engaging stories to help me make my English better. True, they didn’t all read like a published novel would – there’s a lot of unpolished, error-plagued, stream-of-consciousness-y material out there. But there are also so, so many beautifully written works, and believe me, even for a non-native speaker it’s very easy to spot the difference.

Fanfiction also gave me the chance and motivation to practice my English writing in a way school never could have done. I’ve been writing my own stories since I could hold a pen, but I didn’t dare write in English until I was a fanfiction-loving teenager. It was a marketing decision, really – my first foray into writing fanfiction was for a fandom so small that I wouldn’t be surprised to find out I’m the only Italian representative, so if I wanted any kind of feedback on my work I’d have to suck it up and try my hand at writing in a language that didn’t come natural to me. I would never argue that the feedback I got on my works made me a better writer – contrary to popular opinion, the fanfiction community is made up of the nicest, most supportive people, and alas, you’ll never get a comment on everything you did wrong with your structure or even just pointing out common grammar mistakes from them (though I was lucky enough to have someone explain to me how dialogue punctuation works differently in English than in Italian, so I guess something can be learned even from the Internet). It did motivate me to keep writing, though, and that made me a better writer. If you think I’m being too dramatic, dishing out this monster of a post nobody asked for just to declare my eternal devotion to fanfiction, it’s because it’s personal to me. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been told that I write in English as well as native speakers, and fanfiction is a big part of why that’s true. I doubt I would even be in this course if it wasn’t for it.

And then, of course, there’s the gay thing. I’m not going to argue about how heteronormativity sucks and representation matters because I’m sure everyone’s as sick of talking about it as I am, but please try to understand how it felt for a gay person like me, used to be depicted in media as a plot device or token secondary-character representation if at all, to be able to step into a world where queerness was the default for once. Where queer protagonists had meaningful queer love stories and queer friends and got to save the world from the Apocalypse too. Or to fight the Empire or go to Hogwarts or everything else fictional straight people have had a right to do since the dawn of storytelling in addition to romancing the hottie of their choice. I’m not asking you to feel as passionately about it, of course, but (especially if you’re straight) you might try and empathize the next time you think a fanart of two boys kissing is something deserving of your amused contempt.

I hope I’m not coming across as the person that screams “homophobe” at everyone who disagrees with her because I guarantee that’s not what I’m trying to do here, but I think the general distaste for slash says a lot about the way our society sees heterosexual relationships as love and homosexual relationships as sex. Yes, there’s a lot of gay porn in the world of fanfiction. But you know what you’re most likely to find? Romance. Not in the saucy literary sense of the word, but in its simpler, most literal acceptation. Fanfiction is just one more way for humans to express themselves, after all, and love has always been front and center in our art. Love, not sex – even if it’s gay. In fact, explicit material doesn’t even make up the majority of what you’ll find on a fanfiction website. Don’t worry, I don’t want anyone to taint their souls by visiting one of those dens of iniquity so I pulled some stats myself. Here’s the number of works for each rating in three of the most popular fandoms on Archive Of Our Own, the current go-to website for the fanfiction community (sorry Fanfiction.net) – Harry Potter, Supernatural and the Marvel Cinematic Universe as of 9/3/2019:

Even counting both Mature and Explicit works as straight-up porn (which I don’t think is quite fair, but that’s a discussion for another day), they only make up less than 1/3 of the material. Kinda disappointing, for a medium that’s supposed to be all about filthy graphic gay sex. Imagine if only one in three musicals actually featured singing and dancing, or superheroes weren’t in the majority of superhero movies. They’re lucky fanfiction is shared for free, or I’d be screaming for my money back.

Maybe I’ve just been brainwashed by SJWs, though, and this has nothing to do with my being an immigrant or a lesbian. Maybe my inability to see what’s so bad about appropriating someone else’s intellectual property for your own amusement is a cultural thing. I apologize – as mentioned, I’m Italian, and we all know Ancient Roman culture was basically just a ripoff of everything those inventive Greeks came up with. It’s in our blood. Hell, our 2€ coin, the biggest, has the face of Dante Alighieri on it, a writer most famous for having written 14.000+ verses of self-insert real-person-fic in which the girl he fancied as a teenager, his favorite author, and God himself all fall over themselves to tell him how awesome he is and he gets to prophesy an eternity in Hell for his political enemies. Talk about wish-fulfilling entitlement. Not to mention all those creatively arid Renaissance “artists” celebrated for stealing characters from the Bible and Greek mythology (seriously, the fact that Greece hasn’t unleashed an army of lawyers on us yet is nothing short of a miracle) and putting them in their cheesy paintings. Other countries can rely on a much stronger moral backbone and endless imagination – I’m sure Shakespeare, Milton, Goethe, those creative geniuses at Disney and countless others never had to resort to something as cheap and despicable as borrowing other people’s characters to tell the stories they wanted to tell.

Either way, I can’t help it – I see the prospect of creating something that will resonate with people so strongly that they’ll make it a part of themselves, that it’ll compel them to make more art, to reach out and connect with other fans, as something incredibly beautiful rather than scary. Maybe this is my usual naiveté speaking, and I will come to eat my words. It’s certainly disturbing that a bunch of entitled fans bullied the Mass Effect developers into changing the series’ ending, and sending actors explicit fanart of themselves is straight-up harassment, but is fanfiction really the problem here? Or is it social network culture, with its power to destroy all barriers and foster hive mind? To give resentment a platform to spread and be heard? I promise that the average fanfiction writer wouldn’t campaign to get an ending changed. They’d just roll up their sleeves and write a better one themselves.

[thedeadishscribe]

Sidestep/Ortega

My Fallen Hero fic is, more or less, finally done! It features my Sidestep, Rysen Adri, and his thoughts on post game Fallen Hero: Rebirth. I seem to be doing a lot of post games.

I’m probably gonna post this to ao3 later because formatting is a bitch.

Please, enjoy!

Love, the dead dude

Julia had asked a fair question—what did that kiss mean?

I’m not sure myself, all I knew is that hearing the name Rysen was sweeter than I cared to admit. Was that even my name anymore? Again, not sure. What the hell, exactly, was going on in my life? Ortega, John, Mortum, The Rangers. Ouroboros. The new name I had chosen. The thought came to me at the party, the classic description of a serpent devouring its own tail, often used to signify the cycles of the universe and the process of rebirth—and it felt right at the time—but it felt positively wonderful in the afterglow of the gala. Fitting as can be really. Reborn, baptized in flame, smoke, and blood. Definitely several bruises and broken bones. Hopefully no corpses.

An odd sentiment for a demon of Los Diablos.

          First I had considered ‘Mindflayer’, but it wasn’t exactly me, as menacing a choice as it would have been. ‘Demon’ would have been too cheesy, too on the nose. Can’t really remember what made me think of it, but it simply fit. Even now I savor it on my tongue. Ouroboros. That one news station somehow fucked it up into ‘aurabeesknees’, but they’re in the minority so I guess I can let them off the hook. May have to pay a visit at a later date, however.

          Her and I text, call, all the things kids do nowadays. I hate that I can’t get enough. Of her laugh, her smile, the damn way she seductively wiggles her eyebrows to make me blush. Fuck, I hate admitting I blush too. I’m supposed to be a damn villain, not an anime protagonist. Speaking of which, I haven’t checked up on that lately. Like at all. Been too busy with villainy things. Anime can be villainous, right? We all know the ones. Not gonna name names though, that wouldn’t be fair.

          Just skirting around my problems now though, as per usual. I keep meaning to bring up how I’ve changed (minus the specific details, of course), to say something, and yet every time I choke and bring out my classic comedic deflection bullshit instead. I’m almost entirely positive Ortega can see through that, she’s just gotten… more subtle and less brash. Well, ‘less brash’ isn’t a good way to put it. ‘More selective in her bullrushing’ is more apt. Selective dumbassery is still dumbassery. I should know, I started my own little dumbass enterprise, may as well make a sign to post around the city. I can see it now, ‘Dumbass Incorporated seeking henchs now, will provide free lunch, health, and dental’. That’ll really draw them in. You don’t see many villains offering dental anymore. Could be a real selling point for when I want to expand.

          Truth be told, I’m a fan of the whole angels and demons trope we’re playing out. Sure, being a hero is nice and all, but being bad simply feels so good. Clichés? As many as you want. Monologues? Not recommended, but certainly entertaining. The utter sense of power? Fantastic. Maniacal cackling? My favorite part. No really, there’s nothing like a good laugh over the beaten forms of your enemies.

Beaten.

          That’s right, I had beaten Julia… no, Charge, to a pulp. Herald first though, and then Lady Argent not quite as much. There’s a sense of guilt around the first two mentioned. Argent not so much. It felt good in the moment to finally feel an equal to that massive shadow that loomed over me, coddled me, treated me as glass. It felt so good to beat down that perfect picture of a hero with his own vanity in front of his adoring fans, the new guy that got everything I didn’t. Yet, I mangled the woman that I, well, I dare not use the word. Then after learning that Herald wasn’t just a fan of Sidestep, but that Sidestep was his idol? His hero (pardon the pun)? I didn’t think it would hit me this hard but Jesus-fucking-Christ. Just another person I let down. No. No, not me. Sidestep. Sidestep let him down. Ouroboros simply fought him. That’s all. No more, no less.

          Of course, that feels like a lie, though at the same time, it doesn’t? It was difficult enough trying to distinguish Rysen from John sometimes—if Rysen even truly existed anymore—but now I have to differentiate three personas. Four if you included Sidestep, but they are firmly dead and gone. The exhibit, or rather lack thereof, is proof enough of that. I wonder how Ortega feels about it. Angry that someone defiled the memory of the former hero? Motivated for pay back? Does she not care? That would almost feel the worst, and I don’t know why, and I hate it.

God, I can hear her words now, ‘Don’t say you hate things so much, it’ll make you ugly on the inside’. Well guess-fucking-what, Julia. I’m ugly on the inside now. Or have I always been? Everything’s kind of a blur since Heartbreak, which is a long time. Seven years now, more like seven and a half. Yet it all felt like nothing. A bittersweet blob of memory, oddly enough. Incredibly bittersweet.

Should I ask her out on a date? She had promised one. Would that be going too far, however? Too close? Too prone to liability? I’m already in the position, what’s the threat of a little more tragedy in the already turbulent storm? Villains thrive on tragedy, right? Why am I asking so many questions? Too many already.

Fuck it, I’m gonna ask her. Not over the phone, that seems a tad disingenuous. When she asked me to the gala she asked me to meet in person, I should do the same. I’m sure as hell not going to the Rangers HQ. Don’t want to give myself away, let alone the fact that I’d feel like I was asking Steel if Ortega was home and if I could talk to her as if he were her dad. ‘Excuse me, Mr.Chen, is Julia home?’. As team leader was he the dad of the troop? Herald’s the baby and Argent the angsty teen, so definitely. Dear gods, Steel’s a father. Devils help us all. He certainly has the glare down.

I still miss him oddly enough. Not enough to give up my life of crime and don Sidestep’s mask once more. Hell no. I’m not even sure if it’s still in one piece. I’m not sure I want to know.

          Would I do it for Ortega though? As much as I’d love to help, I can’t, I just can’t. Y’know, aside from being a villain now and all, I just… couldn’t. The thought of feeling that thin nanomesh over my form alone made me want to chuck my skin like a meatbag alias. I guess in my position it really is a meatbag alias that I can toss aside whenever I so wish. Rysen and John. I often wonder what would happen if I just decided to live in John full time. What would happen if Rysen were to die while I were inhabiting John’s body. Would I—my consciousness that is—die? Would I just be stuck in a head blind body for the rest of said body’s life? Become him in every sense of the word. I don’t see why not, not that I’m seriously considering it or anything. Though the thought of resigning to a life of underworld business alongside Doctor Mortum isn’t half bad. Not one bit.

          Sometimes dating Mortum as John and trying to respark the old flame with Ortega as Rysen at the same time feels wrong, feels weird, but then I remember that Ortega was flirting with both John and Rysen at the same time, so I guess that totally excuses bad behavior. Definitely. I mean, she’s the master of flings, or at least was. It’s an interesting debate if nothing else. When I’m playing John, I’m still me and yet not. I’m john. John’s even developed his own mannerisms and behaviors, things Rysen would never do or wouldn’t even think of. I suppose this is like how superheroes have their hero and civilian identities. Both are just as real, right? And functionally they’re different people. This is way too much like way too many science-fiction pieces on the self and personal identity. I take ghost in the shell to an entirely other, meaty level

          But boy oh boy, Los Dioblos, hold onto your pants; you’ve heard of the double identity, I now present the triple identity! Groundbreaking, truly. Worn down, tired and retired telepath. Villain representative who just wants to keep his boss happy, hoping to get his cake and eat it too. Then finally the villain himself, Ouroboros, mastermind behind the impossibly elaborate plans. Ok, no one knows Ouroboros is a he, but that’s a good thing. The longer they’re all guessing, the better. I thought balancing Rysen and John was difficult, but Rysen, John, and Ouroboros? Son of a bitch, I didn’t know one person could get this tired. Thank the universe for coffee. Lots of cream lots of sugar preferred, but I’m not too terribly picky in a pinch, I already buy the cheap shit as is. Cheap ol’ Rysen. Yep. That’s me.

I keep talking about all these different identities, and yet I keep coming back to Rysen. Rysen. Rysen. Fuckin’ Rysen. I’m beginning to grow tired of the name. After… everything, I fully expected to shove off that particular shell of a man when I made my debut. I was apparently wrong. He keeps coming after me like a damn ghost. Ortega coming back into the mix certainly didn’t help, any chance of falling off the map died with her recognizing me in the diner. Oh well, I suppose, no plan survives first contact. I should really be surprised it didn’t all snag sooner. A lot sooner. Oh, but what a snag. That jawline, those lips, and gods above, those biceps.

She gives excellent hugs. Yep. That’s definitely what I like about them. The only thing.

          It was only recently that I realized a good memory I often draw upon—one of my few good memories—was that of Ortega kissing me after a particularly hard fight. She almost always initiated, and one time she even used her sparkles to shock my own lips ever so gently. I miss that sensation, funny enough, even if it was only the once. And, despite the fact that she always looked at me like I was fragile, she gave me this look like I was wanted. Like I belonged. Another thing I hate to admit, but I belong in her arms.

Fuck, what am I thinking? I shouldn’t allow myself to think like that, and yet such was the tendency of any good snag.

One other thing I hate to admit to myself—I love her. Son of a bitch, I always loved her, and I regret never telling her.

          I don’t think I could work up the courage to tell her though. Not then, not now, not ever. Aside from not being able to afford it, I don’t have the guts. Attacking a gala with some of Los Diablos’ richest and finest? No problem, just give me some time to plan. Facing a woman significantly larger than me on a date, looking at me with a sweetness in her eye? Nah nah nah nah nah. No way. Can’t do it. I’m weak, absolutely weak. Positively weak.

I hate myself.

          Julia doesn’t want me talking like that, she already made me promise to see a shrink, but she’s not here, inside my head walking down the street to get a cup of sweet, sweet addiction. She can’t dictate my self-talk. Except myself no one can. I doubt it will change any time soon, therapy or no. I hope the couch is comfy enough though. They always look comfy in the movies and on tv. Teary eyed tortured souls letting out their deepest secrets to some stranger taking notes on their entire life. Ew. Probably won’t tell them about the whole villain thing. I wouldn’t go at all and lie about it if I knew Julia would keep tabs on me and make sure I went. She’d probably drag me there herself. She always did care like that.

Oh well, she won’t leave me alone; but that’s a good thing, right? Because damn, what a kiss.