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#i wont act on them though
blackkat15 · 7 months
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It would be so easy to crash my dad's car into a tree right now.
I AM TRYING.
I have to do TAFE work but you won't let me.
I am in a low glucose episode and you still want me to work.
It would be so easy to crash the car into a tree.
I am not lazy dad.
I am trying so fucking hard.
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leynaeithnea · 4 months
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Hellowww obssessed with EPIC still
Had a thought
Listening to Mortius and Casper react to the Ocean Saga, they pointed out that theres a considerable tone shift for Odysseus in "Luck Runs Out" especially considering he just lost the first men in 10 years, including his best friend
Now the question
Could the shift of tone in "Luck Runs Out" to Odysseus sounding weirdly optimistic be because
1. he's in denial and desperate, straight up "ignore the past and go home asap have a mental breakdown later"
2. he's putting on a brave face for his crew so they still believe in their captain and general who got them all through the trojan war even after what just happened
3. he's trying to live up to Polities ideals as a way to "Remember Them" as he promised three songs ago
4. he's slowly descending into madness; and its all three of that
Or is there another reason (canon or not) that could explain that?
My personal favorite will be number 4, he's taking another step towards madness, being in denial about what just happened and trying to hold out and show a brave face to his crew to show them he's still capable and wanting desperately to believe in Polities ideals
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the-acid-pear · 3 months
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Having thoughts about Davetrap... Honestly the fact that he's So sentient is so tragic to me. It's like he said he's still a person he just looks different. Even the fact that he still needs food and is eating rats (which he ripped foxy's leg to do so better, unforgivable) yet seems capable of leaving but thing is WHERE to, y'know... I think this is a reality for most non human characters in this game but him being in such a state of disrepair definitely doesn't help, i mean, he literally couldn't be sold off, something he was clearly upset about (I also like that he called the maze shit a gig like that's cute, that's just his job).
Like its just, Dave was never much of anything, at all, we don't even know if this guy has a fucking home, but he still had some things in his favor, he was still somewhat well put and social and shit, so for him to be left like this it's like... I said it like thrice but its tragic its just tragic, man OT2
#luly talks#dsaf#dsaf davetrap#davetrap#dsaf dave#dave miller#im. kinda pained rn. like physically. i think i pulled a muscle too but also my eye spill is acting up#and i have a headache so forgive me not being able to make this post better but i hope my rips my hair off is being conveyed properly#like he's just. so... normal. for the standards he's being held at#HE'S A BETTER WORKER THAN JACK BY ALL MEANS FOR CRYING OUTLOUD#i actually am Not forgetting the henry tape that mentions this is the second time dave has been put thru this but i dont remember#the details and i wont look for them bc henry makes me Way too upset in those tapes but if someone wants to quote him be my guest#though i think i did see a fic where dave had to eat a rat im sure it was a fic and not the tape#i thiiiiiinkkkkkkkkk#but yeah its just. he is just kind of tied by hands and feet yknow!#like its super cruel. like he is too far removed from humanity physically to be considered a person. even if he wanted to...#just do anything. get a job. be able to afford shit. live. it'd be fucking Hard#he's literally a fucking cryptid. and his mental state only helps to worsen this. in typical these cunts fashion#nobody dehumanizes them like they dehumanize themselves PRAYING EMOJIIIIIII#its just sad. i'd fix him. i'd fix him so fast. i'd patch him up and wash him. i'd be beautiful. i'd do it. trust me bro. trust me.#<- (has no experience w mechanisms nor textiles arts)#<- ((makes it up w a big and genuine heart tho))
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autisticlee · 2 months
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sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.
but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.
I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.
(continue in tags)
#dont know why continuing in tags but here is more#sometimes we need to ask “why” and not just get mad about how we feel personally. because other people feel differently#yes im guilty of only thinking my feelings and situation and how it relates too and forgetting other peoples. i also need to learn#and everyone's feelings should be valid. just because something might “hurt” you it might be important for someone else#everyones feelings are valid. but we cant protect everyones feeling. so idk the solution#but stopping someone from having a small positive among a sea of nevgative seems a little mean to me#youre not being empathetic to their side. and i can turn it around and be not empathetic to your side and say stop being upset#and get over it and let people have fun. but i wont. i hear you. but at the same time maybe hear us too.#not everyone wants to live only negatively. youre allowed to but dont expect others to.#and yes i GET IT these things can make the allistics and neurotypicals be even worse towards us. but what do we do?#throw out any positivity we can find and grovel in our struggles because the allistics wont take us seriously?#DO THEY TAKE US SERIOUSLY WITHOUT THOSE SILLY TRENDY THINGS? NO! THEY NEVER HAVE#like i said i dont know the solution and everything still be used against us by those people anyway so might as well have fun?#if we focus on struggles they baby us and dont let us do things and block us from living life#if we focus on positive they dismiss our struggles and try to make us do what we cant and dont help us#we cant win! so its not “the 'tism” or whatever other things people made up that cause them to act this way#they already act that way and wont stop unless we figure out how to teach them! but i dont know how! im just a useless little creature#this is probably controversial and someone will get because i dont agree with their perspective despite respecting it#someome will comment to lecture me even though i get it. i do. but two things can exist at the same time!! idk what to tell you!#autistic#autism#actually autistic#lee rambles#words are hard so dont know if i worded it well or not. probably not#also why take away fun things because another group used it for bad? make them stop the bad not stop the good!#i also might be missing more context. i think is about tiktok using these for bad. tiktok is just bad in general and i refuse to use it#why tiktok dictate and ruin our lives now in general? tiktok is really bad 😂 but that another conversation#no one yell at me and say i dismiss struggles of struggling autistics. maybe you dismiss me needing negative thing to have positive?#not in mood for negative response. will probably cry fhhddhsjdjdjkd#today is real struggle day but if i be little creature i feel better
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httpiastri · 6 months
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paul is a 100% a boob man OMG
and, also, WHYYY do I think he's the type that whines . theres a prema video where they're trying to guess the circuit blindfolded and when they ask paul to confess to kimi that hes been cheating he starts to literally WHINEEEEEEEEE those 30s lives in my mind rent free and im not kidding
!!!!!! im HOLLERING!!!!!!!!!!!! that's one of my fave vids ever omg and paul freaking whining is like music to my ears istg. it's so on point for him too.... i wrote a little about that in the paul nsfw alphabet that i never finished 🫠🫠 but yeah like we've been through, i think he has a slightly submissive streak and he enjoys being teased. and to hear those sweet sounds as rewards when you tease him, or kiss him with a bit of force, or roll your hips on his.... 😶
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deus-ex-mona · 28 days
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has chizuutan been sitting this close to aizo in class all this time…?
#when the classroom is huge but you’re only like 3 seats away from the dude you’re delulu about#careful chizuchan one wrong move and aizo will see your pics of him looking incredibly dumb mid-jump#but man. all of them suck at keeping secrets. lxl and hiyo suck at pretending to not know each other.#and chizuchan sucks at pretending to not be a crazed aizo stan. juri never had any secrets to begin with so she’s all good. good girl.#tried rereading the [redacted] manga to check (big mistake) and left wonder wth the [redacted] anime writers were on when they wrote it#chizuutan’s personality flipped too abruptly. and wdymmmm she was able to sneak pics of aizo properly pre-notice board scene#o n l y to suddenly become a very obvious and suspicious stalker the moment she outed her bestie#and her throwing her bag and colouring hiyo out of her stalking snapshots was. very weird.#it’s as though she only did it so that a randomly spawning yujiro could catch her in the act to expose her for her misdeeds later#lord forbid people write flawed women properly#man. it feels like the [redacted] anime writers wrote themselves into a brick wall one too many times#and resorted to butchering their characters to plothole their way out of it.#they totally bit off more than they could chew with their attempts to resolve and rationalise all existing plot points in the series so far#that someya bros bar scene is still dumb as heck im sorry#anyway live laugh love kawaikute gomen manga: the spinoff that’s >>>>>>>>> the original (aka the [redacted] anime)#mmmmmm anyway i hope there won’t be an mv tomorrow (delusional) i may be hauled off to bid my bro safe travels s o.#wouldn’t it be funny if we finally got kimikawaii tomorrow though lol#ik we probably wont since the mona album countdown is still goin but. still.#if we must get an mv… nakamahazureplsplsplspslsplspslpslsssssd#chizuutan chizpost
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ocpdzim · 2 years
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what you’ve got to understand about working conditions in education (and also other care-oriented careers) is that if they’re shit, two things are true at once:
that does not ever excuse being cruel to a kid, no matter what
until those conditions are fixed, education will continue to suck absolute shit
this is because when working conditions for teachers are really bad, many of the good teachers who recognize when they are reaching a point where they can no longer be the sort of teacher the kids deserve due to burnout WILL quit. they will do the responsible thing and go away for their own sake and the sake of the kids. and you end up stuck w a combination of new teachers who are trying their best but won’t last long, burnt out teachers who are trying their best but have nothing left to give and therefore aren’t very effective at actually teaching, and cockroach shitheads who take out their misery on the kids.
we have all had terrible experiences with bad teachers, many of them flat out traumatic, but for fuck’s sake please try to look at the systemic underpinnings of the problem for one minute. spitefully declaring that teachers don’t deserve good working conditions or even the right to complain about bad working conditions because ms. whoever in 5th grade was a bitch is only going to create more of her. if you want good teachers then we need an education system they can survive in
#i get so irritated w the post where like.#95% of it is a good post and then at the end op is like WAAAHHH teachers are complaining about burnout on my post about a bad teacher#like yeah no shit. if the field of education wasnt so hostile to everyone who works in it maybe they could have found a better teacher to#replace that motherfucker with. and then she would not be there to bother the kids any more.#as someone who Has had traumatic experiences w bad teachers.#its scary enough walking into a field i know is pretty much built to chew new teachers up and spit us out#hoping to be able to survive it long enough to do some good and be the kind of teacher i needed as a kid#without people acting as though it is some sort of crime for teachers to want. like. basic human dignity at work and enough money to survive#even people who are nominally pro-workers rights#you guys have no fucking idea how bad the situation is in schools right now#the reason bad teachers didnt get fired perhaps USED to be tenure#but nowadays its the fact that its rare for a school to be fully staffed *at all* bc so many teachers quit or died#so they'll hire and keep absolutely fucking anyone simply because the alternative is No Teacher. and an empty classroom#full of kids who wont learn anything except that the system doesnt even care about them enough to put a teacher in the room.#i have gotten job offers ON SIGHT from principals who know nothing about me and im literally not even legally qualified to teach yet#like before even telling them my name lmao#and im sure everyone else in town who expresses any interest in teaching whatsoever gets the same.
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mint-is-here · 6 months
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ok so i read @cherrly moana x lmk fic and i really liked it!!! but it gave me an idea on macaque's powers
so, you know how macaque is refered to as the Moon?? the moon shines on the sky every night, but how does it do that?
it reflects the light of the sun
now, macaque is shown to be able to absorb Wukong's powers by MK, apparently by just spending time with him
but its never quite the same.
the moon can reflect the light of the sun, but it will never be able to shine as bright as it. it only holds a glipse of the power it has.
(also. macaque is the only one shown to be able to use LBD's ice powers without being possesed. like yeah bai he and wukong could also do that but a) possession b) wukong is wukong, he can mostyl handle it and C) bai he was the main host. she might have been able to posses wukong but it's shown how her using her powers might have destroyed bai he if she wasnt careful. Not even the Mayor could use it and whatever was inside him was strong enought to possess The Great Sage. just something to add)
idk its just something i thought ramdonly byeee-
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phantajam · 1 month
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my hot take about descendants is that NONE of the core four were ready for a relationship until maybe like, the third movie (rant in tags)
#they were still adjusting to living life without struggling to survive#a girl should not be jumping into a relationship the same week she just tried her first piece of non-rotten food lol#thats not to say I don't like the canon ships#but mal married literally the FIRST man she met in auradon. at 18.#and even as far as in descendants 2 we see them still struggling to adjust in different ways (mainly mal)#in d3 they seem to have fully assimilated into life in Auradon (as much as a VK can anyway)#so it makes sense for them to THEN seek out relationships if that's what they want.#but disney ofc wanted to act like romantic love just automatically fixes a person's problems ig?? as if a relationship wouldn't just be#added stress given the position the VKs were in in d1#not to mention dating just like. wasnt a thing on the isle (mal even says this)#and I get that the kids are craving to be loved because their parents didn't gaf about them. But I wish the first movie focused more on the#finding that love in each other than romantically with outside people. a sort of “they had love in them all along” moment.#and then this fandom loves to argue about whether Jarlos/Janelos was 'rushed'. at least Carlos (and Jay +lonnie) waited a few months before#throwing themselves into the dating scene. Poor evie had her heart broken within like 3 days of being in Auradon. no wonder she was willing#to help steal the wand lol.#Anyway to wrap up this rant I didn't even mean to go on#I just think that kids who have spent the first 14-16 years of their lives fighting to survive and being put through continuous trauma on a#daily basis don't need dating right away. they need THERAPY.#if anyone here has seen stranger things its kinda an El and Mike situation were its like. the girl grew up in a lab and fell for the first#boy in regular society who was kinda nice to her lol. thats how I view Mal and Ben#same with doug and evie. he was nicer than chad but he still fell for her for her looks and she still fell for him because he was the first#guy in auradon to be genuinely interested in her. also evie had a whole “I dont need a prince” arc and ended up with a man anyway?#my problem with janelos was always that Carlos never quite worked out his mommy issues or his anxiety. I feel like he'd be afraid of hurtin#her even though that boy wouldn't hurt a fly. and we see Jane get pretty stressed out herself- have you ever been in a relationship where#both of you have anxiety? cause it either goes really well (you help keep each other calm) or REALLY terribly (you make each other spiral)#I actually really liked Lonnie and Jay (though I feel like it would've had a bigger payoff if she was in d3. not sure why she wasn't but I#wont dunk on that because it couldve been smth to do with her actress). I think Lonnie is someone who can 'handle' Jay well and match his#energy. And I like the idea of Jay finding someone he's loyal to after being commitment-phobic for 1 1/2 movies and the whole first book lo#and ofc I have to throw this in here: any auradon kid the VKs get with is never going to grasp even half of what they went through.#this doesnt mean they can't try to understand and be empathetic. but it will always cast a shadow on VK/AK relationships.
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mestos · 1 year
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CoAi moments in the old DetCo Games (part 1)
idk if anyone else knows this but detco does have a bunch of games ranging from Gameboy colour all the way up to nintendo switch era. around 3~4 years ago a friend at the time and i went through and watched some playthroughs and i vividly remember thinking that the DB focused games were so CA heavy ...
The gameboy advance games were especially impressive, they had full voice acting and animations plus the cutest pixel sprites
(The Greatest Partner - The Old Magician and the Playing Cards Mystery) (GameBoy Advance)
first, context. the plot of this case is that while the DB were visiting a theme park (it's sort of a weird fusion of a zoo and an amusement park...) a magician that they went to see gets a phonecall where his grankid gets held hostage. the magician gets a heartattack from the shock and is sent to hospital, leaving the DB to figure out what it is that the kidnappers want from him.
when they're splitting up, haibara says she's going to sit this one out, but conan asks her to go with him
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(conan's voice is very gentle throughout this whole game, actually. he's very sweet to the kids, which is twice as effective bc he asks her to come with him so gently.)
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(and she didn't mind at all ;) )
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(haibara's voice here is very gently nudging.)
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(ai says this. she's very calm. the music has a romantic, relaxing vibe lowkey but i might just be delusional)
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its worth noting that they spend this moment at the park going back and forth about the case.
case in point:
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i already mentioned this, but depending on the director on the anime conan's aggression or snarkiness changes per episode as well as his parental instinct towards the kids. but he spends this game acting very sweet towards the detective boys and haibara.
since this is a coai moment list i wont include it, but there's a scene where he comforts ayumi while she cries and its very worth watching if u need a reminder that conan/shinichi canonically can be very kind towards the children and cares for them despite everything
anyway, next scene is SUPER CUTE, but the kids stick their nose in danger after fooling conan, leaving him to save them and they all take turns saying they believed in him—especially, because haibara told them to.
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(should note—he says the first line in a soft, relieved way, and haibara has a very teasing tone while he fondly says her name. it drives me crazy.)
haibara actually leaves the group at this point in the game to go meet with agasa, so there arent any more moments for this case. the other two cases in the game are The Masked Knight Murder Case (with Conan, Ran & Sonoko) and The Greatest Partner (with Kogoro and Ran, no Conan). not really interested in those so that's all for this
the next game that has a DB focused case is in The Great Deduction of Three People—where you can play as Ai, Heiji and Conan. i'll cover that in a diff post since this is already so long
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no1ryomafan · 1 year
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I’m saying this only out a vague of a irl even though I feel bad for this but someone please tell me there isn’t a collective of people who haven’t seen a lot of mecha yet played super robot wars and act like because they played that game they have authority to talk over mecha shows they know exist thanks to it despite still not watching them and ignoring the fact SRW butchers plot sometimes-
Because as much as I hate gatekeeping in mecha circles and hardly dabbled into SRW this basically happened to me irl with a person I already don’t like and I’m just like:
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lupismaris · 5 months
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..
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healingheartdogs · 5 months
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People who don't know dog body language who have pushy sketchy dogs are so awful to be around. I told our housemates that their dog Klaus doesn't like me when we went out to watch the eclipse earlier today because I didn't want to go in the fenced yard with him out and they were like "oh no he's fine don't worry." When he saw me he charged up to the fence, high flagged tail, snorting and barking and jumping at the fence and they still were like "oh he's friendly, he just wants to smell you, see his tail is wagging". Like my dude... tail wagging does not mean friendly, and what about the noises he's making rn sounds friendly to you?
Selene's sister grabbed him and I thought she was going to take him inside because she acted like she was going to, but instead she stopped halfway and just held him back while I came into the yard and then let him go to run up and sniff me, which he had very stiff body language the entire time he did so. For a while after that he ignored me because of the kids calling him away and was chill, but still kept coming over and sniffing me occasionally and was very tense each time so I just tried to stay calm and sweet talk him and didn't try to touch him to help defuse the situation.
Then I walked a little away from the group to point out a plant in the yard to Selene's mom which was a mistake because once I was out of the little circle we were standing in he started body blocking me, tense face, stiff body, whale eyeing, and then jumping at me and barking. They tried to call him away and were like "oh he's just trying to get you to play, sorry he's so demanding of attention." I started trying to walk toward the gate to leave because he very much was NOT trying to get me to play and I did not feel confident in their ability to control him, and he immediately did it again. And again they tried to call him away. And I got maybe another two steps before he turned right back around and did it again. And they called him away again saying he was just trying to play. Rinse and repeat for a total of like six times of him body blocking me, tense and whale eyeing, and then jumping at me and barking. All while they're just laughing like "Sorry, Klaus just really loves playing". Dudes your dog is actually behaving aggressively toward me right now, please get control over him so I can leave he is NOT TRYING TO PLAY WITH ME.
This is the second time I've been invited into the yard while Klaus was out and the first time they kept telling me the same thing but he was actually following me around growling at me then and they were still like "oh it's just cuz he doesn't know you yet, he'll warm up to you, he's friendly". YOUR DOG IS SKETCHY. I DONT WANT TO INTERACT WITH HIM. HE DOESN'T LIKE ME. PLEASE JUST PUT HIM INSIDE WHEN I'M IN THE YARD WITH Y'ALL. And PLEASE learn some dog body language because nothing about his right now says "friendly" at all!!!!! Not even a little!!!! TAIL WAGGING DOES NOT MEAN FRIENDLY, ESPECIALLY A HIGH FLAGGED TAIL.
#i will not be going back into the yard while he is out#i only did this time because they made it seem like they were going to put him inside#but then didn't#i do not trust that dog#and they are oblivious and just laughing while he is actively menacing me#cant tell them shit about it though because they act like we're criticizing their parenting if we do and get offended#and then be like 'well your dogs are out of control so what do you know' because my dogs bark at strangers#like... okay your dog growls at and menaces strangers???? mine just bark at strangers who talk to them and try to rile them up#and i dont correct them for that because its not worth correcting and also not their fault#your dog is actually dangerous and you dont have control over him#my dogs are not dangerous and when i tell them to be quiet and get inside they do#so who doesnt have control huh????#theyre just mad because theyre the strangers my dogs bark at sometimes and since i dont like how they interact with my dogs i allow it#because they are rude as fuck and do not respect my dogs' boundaries at all#and think that dogs shouldnt be allowed to have boundaries because they should be 'kid safe“ which really means shut down from punishment#thats how they are with klaus which is a big part of why i dont trust him too#because they have created a dog who gets punished for setting boundaries so that the kids can 'safely' climb all over him and annoy him#and to me that is a recipe for a dog that doesnt give a lot of warning before becoming aggressive because hes been punished for it#i do not trust dogs who have been punished for having boundaries#and i dont trust their owners either#also them doing that means their kids think they can do whatever they want to dogs and interact very rudely with them#so i dont let their kids interact with my dogs at all now because even with me constantly correcting them they ignore me and are rude#and that definitely is something theyre also salty about because their kids want to play with my dogs#and they also want my dogs to play with Klaus and there is mo way in hell I'd allow that which they also dont like#hes an intact bully who they have admitted can be 'really fiesty' with other dogs#and Hermes is an intact male who seems to have a 'kick me“ sign on him for other dogs and i just wont risk it#and it drives them crazy that i dont trust their strange dog not to be aggressive to my dogs and wont let them all be 'friends'#DOGS DONT NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH STRANGE DOGS THEY DONT KNOW OR LIVE WITH#I hate ignorant pet owners that make their ignorance my problem#rant
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mcpicklebreath · 1 year
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questions I have about astarion romance storyline, I have lots of thoughts about him and want help from people who have played already, uh spoilers for his early romance plot below
does anyone know if you have to have sex with astarion for his romance scenes to lead up to you both working together to figure out what you both really want?
haven't gotten to play yet, and while he's undeniability charming (like he's trying to be) I'd like to refuse him without it shutting off the romance if that's an option? I'd still want to pick flirty options when I think they'd be fun but the character I have in mind would see through the more performative bits and wouldn't really be interested in sex with someone they think is lying to them, it would fit the character more if they refused.
I'm okay with mild spoilers if it relates to his story.
I feel like the answer will be no, and given the story stuff with him I've seen I could understand why, but this game has a lot of branching options so thought I might as well ask!
and if it is possible and because of everything astarion is dealing with we don't end up fucking ever that's totally okay with me
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supermonkeyball2 · 1 year
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cool that mgs3 is being remade i hope they do well. it makes sense as the obvious pick for a remake tbh, it has the most mechanics that i think make sense in modern games. im worried they're gonna make it feel too open world though. also i hope they remake the other ones, as much as i love it, 3 is probably my least favorite of the mainline MGS games (excluding 5 i consider that a spinoff lmfao). not that i think 3 is bad i just like the others a lot more.. mgs2 is prob in my top 5 all time best games ever
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pepprs · 1 year
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misery despair suffering etc etc
#purrs#delete later#two thoughts about separate things both causing the despair. thought / thing number 1 which i think ive talked abt on here many times before#but im saying it again: i am not good at being a friend in the ways my friends need me to be a friend. and in the ways friendship is thought#of societally i guess. i isolate myself constantly. i pull away from the opportunity to get closer with people i don’t know as well. i don’t#text back and then when im finally ready it’s been so egregiously long since it was appropriate for me to respond or reciprocate or#whatever it is i am so crushed by guilt and shame and embarrassment that i can’t bring myself to do it. i have so many unread messages and i#wont even let myself open them. and ive been like this for years. and i hurt someone very badly many years ago by being that way. and it was#more complicated than that but sometimes i remember it and how i acted and how i treated them. and i wonder sometimes if they check up on me#and i don’t want to be immature or weird or whatever for talking about it or wondering that openly. but if you do read this and you know who#you are: i am so sorry. i meant whst i said that i would never stop wishing you well and hoping the very best for you. and i hope you have#all of that and more. and im so sorry for not being brave enough to communicate with you or stick around. i really really am. and im sorry#to all the other people i have hurt by pulling away and shutting down and shrinking inside myself and not talking. ik it’s weird to post#that instead of just telling people directly but it’s the guilt. i am fully aware of how many people / groups of people i owe things to /#for but also just… miss. a lot. and want to talk to even though i won’t let myself. i don’t know why im like this and i don’t know how to#stop. but im sorry im not a good friend or even acquaintance or community member. and im talking to everyone now i guess including anyone#reading this bc god knows how many asks and messages i have on here. im sorry. i want to be a better friend. but i also never have spoons. a#and i also want to stay spoonless and cocooned on myself forever and never come out. and i hate that. i want to be a friend. i want to be#kind and giving and loving and generous in the ways you all have been with me. i want to hang out with people and send messages and be there#to lift people up and celebrate with them. but all i can muster is tapping like on social media and it’s horrific. i have gifts to make and#hello / checking in messages to reply to and roleplay starters to post and i just can’t do it right now and im scared i’ll never be able to#again. but it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. if i say i can’t do it then iwont. it’s not enougu to just be aware of it i have to act on it#and change it. but im exhausted and hurting right now and i have been for years and i need to heal first but what if this is healing.#idk. i rambled on that for much longer than i thought i would so nowim gonna say the second thing in a separate post. and it’ll be weird to#post about that in light of this and it’ll be weird to post this at all. but its been weighing on me so heavily today and i don’t want#anyone to think im ignoring them or not aware of being like this or whatever. and posting into the void is easier than telling individual#people to your faces even though i know it’s cowardly. im really truly sorry. i will try to get better once i have the strength to try.#actually yeah no not gonna say the second thing yet. it would be weird to say it now. this needs to sit a little first
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